EEn Idiot's Guide To Tantric Sex

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Tantric Sex
by Dr. Judy Kuriansky

A Pearson Education Company

To all those who are working toward more love … and peace … thank you.
Copyright © 2002 by Dr. Judy Kuriansky
All rights reserved. No part of this book shall be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording,
or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher. No patent liability is assumed with respect to the use of the information contained herein. Although every
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assume no responsibility for errors or omissions. Neither is any liability assumed for
damages resulting from the use of information contained herein. For information, address Alpha Books, 201 West 103rd Street, Indianapolis, IN 46290.
THE COMPLETE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO & Design is a registered trademark of Pearson
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International Standard Book Number: 0-02-864175-2
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Contents at a Glance
Part 1: An Introduction to Tantric Sex:
The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love


1 What Is Tantric Sex?
Tantra and tantric sex as a pathway to love, sacred sex,
transformation, healing, and bliss. How the West is reviving and embracing ancient Eastern techniques. The benefits of tantric sex. A test of readiness for tantric sex.


2 The Basics: Yes, Yin Yang, Yoni, and Yab Yum
Sex as energy not activity. Now, how do you activate and
use it? Achieving balance and union of opposites. Do opposites attract? The love position of yab yum. New terms
for sex that honor your love.


3 Spinning Your Wheels and Breathing to Ecstasy
New ways to breathe your way to bliss. How energy centers in your body bring you to transformation. Creating
the inner flute and using your third eye. Symbols and
sounds that help your practice.


4 Awaken and Worship the God and Goddess in You
You are a divine being! Getting to know the ancient deities
and finding the god and goddess in you and your partner.


Part 2: Getting Started in Sacred Sex


5 Prep Your Body Temple of Love
Your body as your temple of love, learning to love it, getting to know it and use it for higher loving. The mirror exercise and love muscle workouts. A test of your spine.


6 Amp Up or Damp Down Your Sexual Energy
Controlling your energy to relax or activate. Techniques to
help you do that: the sacrum tap, the chakra thump.
Dancing up an energy storm and getting your pelvis


7 Setting the Stage for Your Tantric Nights of Pleasure
Making time for lovemaking and preparing the sacred
space for your tantric nights of pleasure. Cleansing the
tantric way. Rituals to sanctify your love temple. Dedicating your lovemaking and dressing the god/goddess way.
Setting your intentions to get ready for the best nights ever
to come.


The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Tantric Sex
8 Practices for Beloveds to Reach Bliss
What is bliss? Spark your love connection with simple
techniques like the eye lock and heart tap. Stimulating
your senses and using them to turn you and your partner on.



9 Breaking Through Blocks to Bliss
Solutions to common problems that get in the way.
Making time for love through 10-minute connects and the
morning blessing. Solving anger, battles over control and
fears of separation. Letting go of past abuse through emotional release. Seven ways to balance male and female energies. Take the Sex Relations Review.


Part 3: Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy


10 Giving Her the Best Nights Ever
The value of taking turns. How to make her night different
from all other nights. The Date Checklist. Boudoir basics
to please her. Six promises to make to your Goddess.
Getting her to relax and moving her energy. When love
and love liquid flows. What women want most.


11 Giving Him the Best Nights Ever
A checklist to prepare for his best nights ever. The four R’s
to please him: relax, relieve, reassure, reward. What to do
and say on the first night and beyond. Helping him surrender to love and pleasure. Secrets to arouse his passion
with exciting ways to stimulate his lingam and God spots.


12 Make Lovemaking Last … and Last … and Last
How long is a man supposed to last? Test his and her reactions to lovemaking length. Myths about lasting longer.
The keys to ejaculation control. How the partner helps.


13 A New View of Love, Sex, and Orgasm: The Big TTO
The new focus on conscious love. Approaching sex, the
sexual response cycle, and orgasm in a new way. Different
kinds of orgasm. The power of the TTO, the tantric transformative orgasm. How to connect sex energy to love energy. The ooo-ahh path to passion and the total body
orgasm, cosmorgasm, and mega-orgasm. Spots to feel the
big O. Orgasmic waves that keep on coming.


14 Getting Fit Together for Tantric Sex
Exciting new routines for physical activities to do together.
Yoga poses to help your love practice. The new trend—and
value—of belly dancing for men and women. How lovemaking is a workout. The benefits of a new technique of



Part 4: Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex
Than You Ever Imagined


15 Make It Juicy with Magic and Play
Games lovers can share. Fun ways to enjoy connecting.
Dancing for and with each other. Toys and gifts in sacred
loving. How to achieve sex magic in lovemaking.


16 Advanced Tantric Lovemaking Techniques
What makes a technique advanced? An exercise for timeless love. The maithuna ritual and kundalini snake
dance. Advanced yoga poses, lovemaking positions and
new erogenous zones. Oral pleasure, bringing in divine energy, and tuning in to vibes that create more intimacy.


17 Sexual Healing to Set You Free
The special techniques of sexual healing to heal your
hurts to rebuild trust and release your love and joy.
Instructions for the healer and the receiver. What happens
in a healing. How you, too, can be healed.


18 Sex, Song, and Videotape
The value of stimulating eyes and ears in sacred sex. CDs
and videos that complement your tantric mood. Recommendations to help you on your path.


Part 5: Dating and Mating Tantra Style


19 Singles, Sex, and Tantra
You don’t need a partner to follow the tantric path to
bliss. You are the beloved. How to take yourself on a
tantric date. The search for Mr./Ms. Right tantra style.
Who is the perfect tantric partner? Unusual couplings
that really work. Where to go to find a tantric match and
how to bringing in your soul mate.


20 Tying the Knot Tantra Style
The unique rituals in marriage ceremonies, tantric style.
What tantric brides and grooms wear. Who comes, what
they say in their vows, and priests and priestesses who
preside. Dedications to each other. Special participation of
the guests. Ideas that you can use.


21 When He Resists or She Strays
What to do when you are enthused about this tantric
path but your partner doesn’t share your interest.
Deciding what’s best for you and your relationship.
Understanding and dealing with affairs the tantric way.
The energy booster and other ways to survive affairs and
differences, and get back on a loving track.



Part 6: Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium


22 A Lifetime of Tantra: Learning to Love at All Ages
How tantra leads to longer life. The value of tantra for all
ages. How tantra is helpful in mid life and menopause.
How college kids and teens are taking to tantra. The techniques of tantra to raise healthier kids and how tantric
principles can be integrated into a school system.


23 Lifestyles and Situations: Tantra for All Relationships
The pros and cons of cybertantra. How a tantric lifestyle
works regardless of your situation or relationship status.
The new tantric sex workshops for gay men. The value of
tantric sex in case of disability. Healing relationships with
parents and families.


24 Which Path Is Right for You?
Who’s teaching what? Making sense of the various tantra
traditions. The noted contemporary teachers and the importance of having a guide or teacher. Questions to ask
about a workshop and ways to keep your tantric practice
going. Retreats, gatherings and the new trend of exotic


25 A Healing Force for Now and the Future
The healing force of tantric sex in racial tensions, generational tensions, teen sex, abuse, and drug use. How you
are not alone: creating tantric community and family.
New hope to help heal the world.


A Glossary


B Workshops, Web Sites, Teachers, and Tantra


C Tantric Tools


Part 1: An Introduction to Tantric Sex:
The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
1 What Is Tantric Sex?


What Is Tantra? ....................................................................4
Sacred Sex the Tantric Way ................................................4
How Tantric Sex Frees Your Mind, Body, and Soul ................5
Tantric Sex as the Path to Healing ........................................6
Tantric Sex as Magic ............................................................6
A Powerful Chemical Cocktail to Bliss ................................6
Find and Follow the Pathways of Energy ..........................7
How the West Revived Eastern Tantric Sex Practices ..........7
Sacred Sex ..........................................................................10
Myths About Tantra and Tantric Sex ................................11
Why Tantric Sex Now? ......................................................12
Twelve Benefits of Tantric Sex Practices ............................13
Are You Ready for Tantra? ................................................15
The Ten Pledges of the Tantric Sex Path ..........................16

2 The Basics: Yes, Yin Yang, Yoni, and Yab Yum


Yin and Yang: What Is Male and What Is Female? ..........20
The Circle of Coupled Consciousness ..................................20
Shiva and Shakti ................................................................21
Getting in Touch with Opposites ........................................22
Achieving Balance and Union of Opposites ....................22
Position Yourselves for Love in Yab Yum ..........................23
Sex as Energy—Not Activity ..............................................24
My Partner, My Beloved ....................................................24
What Do You Call Your Sex Organs? The New Terms
for Yoni and Lingam ........................................................25
A New View of Desire ........................................................26
Empowered to Say “Yes” or “No” ......................................26
Taking Care of Your Body Temple ....................................27

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Tantric Sex

3 Spinning Your Wheels and Breathing to Ecstasy 29
The Importance of Your Breath ........................................29
Why We Don’t Breathe Correctly ....................................30
The Chakra Wheels ..........................................................31
Breathe Through the Chakras ..........................................33
The Third Eye as Window to the Soul ..............................37
Making All the Connections from Coccyx to Crown ......37
Your Inner Smile ................................................................38
Be Both Participant and Observer ....................................39
Mantras ............................................................................39
Yantras ..............................................................................39
Mandalas ..........................................................................40

4 Awaken and Worship the God and Goddess
in You


What Is “God/Goddess”? ..................................................44
Integrate All Your Roles ....................................................44
Seeing Beyond the Superficial ..........................................45
The Importance of Worshipping Each Other ..................46
Clearing Up Confusion About Gods and Goddesses ........46
Getting to Know the Ancient Goddesses ..........................46
Major and Well-Known Goddesses ....................................46
Other Goddesses Around the World ....................................49
Gods from Different Cultures ..........................................51
Modern-Day God/Goddess Icons ......................................53
Gods and Their Goddess Counterparts ............................53
The Essence of the God/Goddesses Within You ..............54
Using Deities in Your Sex Practice ....................................55
Festivals and Other God/Goddess Gatherings ..................55
Fertility Festivals in Japan ..................................................55
Burning Man Festival in Nevada ........................................56
Goddess Gatherings ............................................................56
Temples ..............................................................................57

Part 2: Getting Started in Sacred Sex
5 Prep Your Body Temple of Love


Your Body as the Bridge to Bliss ........................................61
Building Body Love: Through the Looking Glass ................62
Describe Your Sexual Parts Inside and Out ..........................63



If Your Penis or Yoni Could Talk ........................................64
Go on a Genital Exploration ..............................................64
The Two Colors of Tantra: Merging the Sexual and
the Physical ......................................................................65
The Yoga Connection ........................................................66
Some Simple Yoga Movements ............................................66
Hold It: These Are Called Bandhas ....................................66
Love Muscle Exercises for Men and Women ....................68
Follow a Conscious Workout ............................................68
The Spinal Tap ..................................................................69
Food for Thought: You Are What You Eat ........................70

6 Amp Up or Damp Down Your Sexual Energy


Ways to Calm Down ..........................................................74
Air Yoga as a Stress Reducer ..............................................74
Amping Up for Good Loving ............................................75
Control Your Breathing ......................................................75
Practice the Sacrum Tap ....................................................75
Do the Chakra Thump ......................................................76
Practice Streaming ..............................................................76
Dance Up an Energy Storm ................................................76
Get that Pelvis Moving! ......................................................77
Fantasize ..........................................................................78
Let Yourself Go! ................................................................78
Do the “Shakti Shake” ......................................................78
Take Lama Breaths ............................................................79
Ask Your Partner for Help ..................................................80

7 Setting the Stage for Your Tantric Nights
of Pleasure


Making Time Enough for Love ..........................................82
The Conscious Cleanup ....................................................82
The Tantric Bathing Ritual ................................................84
God and Goddess Dress Up ..............................................86
Your Ideal Romantic Setting ..............................................87
Prepare Your Sacred Lovemaking Space ............................88
Change Your Setting ..........................................................89
Music to Make Love By ......................................................89
Building an Altar ..............................................................90


The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Tantric Sex

Honoring Rituals to Sanctify Your Space ..........................90
Quiet the Mind ..................................................................92
Set Your Intention Together ................................................92
Going Out on Your Tantra Date ........................................93

8 Practices for Beloveds to Reach Bliss


What Is Bliss? ....................................................................95
Synchronizing Your Energy ..............................................96
Look into My Eyes: Eye Gazing ..........................................97
The Heart Hold ..................................................................98
The Partner Passion Pod ....................................................99
Stimulating the Senses ......................................................99
Call It Sacred: Finding Your Tantric Love Triggers ..........102
Sex in the Flow Lane ......................................................102
Advanced Body Exploration ............................................103
Her “Yoni Show” for Him ................................................103
His “Love Arrow Show” for Her ........................................103
Making Sacred Water Magic ............................................104
Staying in Bliss: The Afterplay ........................................104

9 Breaking Through Blocks to Bliss


When Big Emotions Burst Forth ....................................108
Making Time for Each Other ..........................................109
Couple’s Morning Blessing ................................................109
The Ten-Minute Connect ..................................................109
Diffusing Your Anger ......................................................110
Overcoming Feelings of Separation ................................111
Balancing Your Male and Female Energies ....................111
The Sexual Relations Review ............................................111
Seven Ways to Balance Sexual Energy ..............................113
Frustration Over Who’s on Top ......................................115
Getting Past Desperation and Attachment ....................115
Purging Panic and Obsessions ........................................116
More Ways to Clear Blocks ..............................................117



Part 3: Making Major Progress on the Path
to Ecstacy
10 Giving Her the Best Nights Ever


The Value of Taking Turns at Pleasure ............................122
What Do Women Really Want? ......................................122
Step 1: Set Your Intention ................................................122
Step 2: Remind Yourself That This Is Her Night ................123
Step 3: Be Prepared to Serve Your Goddess ........................123
Step 4: Face Your Fears ....................................................123
Step 5: Decide How You Will Call On Her ........................123
Boudoir Basics ..................................................................124
Night of Pleasure 1: Promises to the Goddess
in the Pleasure Palace ....................................................125
Relaxing Her ....................................................................125
Night of Pleasure 2: Getting Closer ................................127
The Resolution Phase ......................................................129
Night of Pleasure 3: When Love and Love Liquid Flow 129
The One Thing Women Need Most ..................................131
The One Thing Women Want Most ..................................131

11 Giving Him the Best Nights Ever


Night 1: Taking Your Man into Tantric Bliss ..................134
Preparing Him for Pleasure ..............................................134
Leading Him to the Tantric Love Temple ......................135
Preparing Him for His Night of Love ..............................135
Step l: Put Him at Ease ....................................................135
Step 2: Bathe Him ............................................................136
Step 3: Enter the Love Temple ..........................................136
Step 4: Promise Him Pleasure ..........................................136
The Tantric Shiva Massage, a Time to Surrender ............137
Languishing Over His Lingam ........................................138
The Second Pleasure Night ..............................................139
A Variation on Massage ..................................................140
Include More Lingam Strokes When Pleasuring ................140
Pleasing His God Spots ....................................................141
Building His Sexual Charge ..............................................141
The Secret to Moving His Energy ......................................142


The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Tantric Sex

The Third Night of Pleasure ............................................143
Entering His Sacred Space ................................................143
Exploring and Exciting His God Spot ................................143

12 Make Lovemaking Last … and Last … and Last 145
How Long Is He Supposed to Last? ................................146
When It’s All Over Too Fast ............................................146
Her Reaction to Three-Minute Sex ....................................146
His Reaction to Three-Minute Sex ..................................147
Why Men Come So Fast ..................................................149
No Expectations, Please! ..................................................149
Ejaculation and Orgasm Are Different ..............................150
The Stages of the Male Sexual Response Cycle ..............151
Traditional Control Tactics ..............................................151
“Sealing the Penis,” or Sexual Kung Fu ..........................152
Tantric Sex Versus Other Methods of Prolonging
Lovemaking ....................................................................153
The Transmutation Breath ..............................................154
Tips on How She Can Help ............................................155
If He Ejaculates Before She Is Ready ................................156

13 A New View of Love, Sex, and Orgasm:
The Big TTO


What’s Love Got to Do with It? ......................................160
A New View of Orgasm and the Sexual
Response Cycle ..............................................................160
The Cosmorgasm ............................................................162
The Mega-Orgasm ............................................................162
The Clearing Orgasm ......................................................162
Reaching Multiple and Simultaneous Orgasms ..................163
The Tantric Wave ............................................................163
The Stock Market Orgasm ................................................164
How to Have the Big TTO ..............................................164
Taking Sex Drive to a New Level ....................................165
The Shiva Shakti Mudra ..................................................165
Variations on the Shiva Shakti Mudra ..............................165
Connecting the Sexual Energy to Other Energy
Centers ..........................................................................166
Using Movements to Send Sexual Energy ..........................166
Using Sound to Transmute Music Energy ..........................166



Where Do You Feel the Big O? Alphabet Orgasms ........169
The G Spot ......................................................................169
The X Spot ......................................................................169
The AFE Zone ..................................................................169
The PFE Zone ..................................................................169
The Anywhere-in-Your-Body Orgasm ................................170

14 Getting Fit Together for Tantric Sex


The Importance of Physical Activity Together ..............171
The Love Muscle Exercises for the Man and
the Woman ....................................................................172
Partner Pelvic Thrusts ......................................................172
I Could Have Danced All Night ......................................173
An Eight-Step White Tantra Twosome Routine ..............173
Couple Connect ................................................................174
Circling Couple Celebration ..............................................175
Squat-to-Stand Support ....................................................175
Partner Pelvis Press ..........................................................176
Dangling Duos ................................................................176
The Couple Cobras ..........................................................178
Lovers Table ....................................................................178
Couple Cuddle ................................................................179
Bedroom Bodybuilding ....................................................179
Yogaboxing ......................................................................181

Part 4: Going Deeper: More Love and Better
Sex Than You Ever Imagined
15 Make It Juicy with Magic and Play


The Spirit of Play ............................................................188
How Much Juice Is There? ................................................188
The Importance of Play in Sex ..........................................188
Affirmations About Joyful Sexual Union ..........................188
Laugh Your Way to Better Health ....................................189
Dancing for Each Other ..................................................189
Mirror, Mirror ..................................................................190
The Hand Dance ..............................................................191
Using Your Body Parts ......................................................191
Belly Dancing ..................................................................192


The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Tantric Sex

Ecstatic Dance ................................................................192
The Temple Dance ..........................................................193
Feasting on Your Love ....................................................193
Games Lovers Play ..........................................................194
Creating Sex Magic Through Tantric Sex ........................196
Toys for Tantric Play ........................................................197
Gifts from the Heart ........................................................199
Where to Find Tantric Love Toys and Gifts ....................200

16 Advanced Tantric Lovemaking Techniques


What Makes a Practice “Advanced”? ..............................201
A Slow Ride into Timeless Love ........................................202
The Magical Maithuna Love Ritual ..................................203
The Snake Dance ............................................................203
Advanced White Tantra Twosome ....................................204
Advanced Passion Positions and Acts ............................206
Enflaming of the Dragon Goddess ....................................207
The Kabazzah ..................................................................208
The Full Stop ..................................................................208
The Two New Erogenous Zones ........................................208
Tongue Fu ........................................................................209
Mudras ............................................................................209
Advanced Visualization in Tantric Sex ............................209
Advanced Tuning In: You, Too, Can Be Psychic! ............210
Eight Steps in Deity Yoga ................................................210
Base Chakra Pleasuring ....................................................211
Advanced Aids in Tantric Play ........................................212
Entering the Time and Space Machine ..........................213
Past Lives Connected to God/Goddess ..............................213
Astral Projection ..............................................................213

17 Sexual Healing to Set You Free


What Is a Sexual Healing? ..............................................216
Who Can Be a Healer? ....................................................216
What Happens in a Healing ............................................217
Healing the Goddess ........................................................217
When the Goddess Love Liquid Flows ..............................219
Healing the God ..............................................................219
Overcoming the Two Major Hurdles in His Healing ..........219
Instructions for His Healer ................................................220



Healing the Pain of Abuse ..............................................221
Handling Emotions in a Healing ....................................222
Rules for the Healer ........................................................222
Rules for the Receiver ......................................................224
At the End of a Session ....................................................224
Are Healings Effective? ....................................................226

18 Sex, Song, and Videotape


Tantric Music ..................................................................229
What Makes Tantric Music Special? ................................231
Let the Music Flow Through You ......................................232
Sounding Chakras ............................................................232
Chants That Charge Your Connection ..............................233
Tantric Videos That Tantalize as Well as Teach ..............234
The Kama Sutra Series: Videos with a Tantric Twist ........235
Honoring the Goddess on Video ........................................236
Other Videos ....................................................................236
Tantra-Related Workouts to Watch ................................237
Related Videos on Sex ......................................................237
Tantra on Radio, TV, the Silver Screen, and
the Internet ....................................................................238

Part 5: Dating and Mating Tantra Style
19 Singles, Sex, and Tantra


You Are the Beloved ........................................................244
Meeting Your Match ........................................................245
Conscious Flirting ............................................................245
Who Is Mr. or Ms. Right? ................................................246
The Beloved Shows Up in Surprise Form, If Only
for Now ........................................................................247
Quiz: Are You Ready for Your True Tantric Sex Partner? ....248
Sensing, Not Scoring ........................................................249
Finding Your Soul Mate on the Tantric Path ..................249
Getting Ready for the Beloved ..........................................251
Bringing in the Beloved ....................................................251
Where to Go ....................................................................252
Two Love Lessons You Wish You’d Learned When
You Were Young ............................................................253
Safe Sex When Practicing Tantra ....................................254


The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Tantric Sex

20 Tying the Knot Tantra Style


The Unique Aspects of a Tantric Marriage Ceremony ....258
Feast for the Tantric Wedding ..........................................259
Music for the Tantra Marriage ..........................................259
Guest Participation ..........................................................260
Special Ceremonies for Tantric Lovers ............................260
Christina and William’s Tantric Marriage Ceremony ........260
Rundy and Lisa’s Four-Day Wedding Ritual ....................265
Mark and Patricia’s Hindu Fire Ceremony ........................267
Keeping the Fires Burning ................................................268

21 When He Resists or She Strays


When One of You Is Convinced But the
Other Isn’t Sure ..............................................................272
Hell No, I Won’t Go! ........................................................273
Know What’s Best for You ................................................274
Honor Your Agreements ....................................................274
Don’t Sneak Off to a Tantra Talk ....................................274
Share Your Growth ..........................................................275
When the Going Gets Tough ............................................275
When a Relationship Has to End ....................................275
Tantric Tolerance ............................................................276
What to Do About Tantric Sex Affairs ............................276
An Affair as Energy Booster ..............................................277
Considerations About Tantric Affairs ................................278
The Energy Booster Checklist ..........................................279

Part 6: Tantra for Everybody in the New


22 A Lifetime of Tantra: Learning to Love
at All Ages


Want to Feel and Look Young Again? ............................283
The Real Fountain of Youth in Amrita Flow ....................284
Tantra in Older Years ......................................................284
Facing the Changes ........................................................285
Easing Her Time Through Menopause ..............................285
When He Has a Mid-Life Crisis ......................................286
Seven Keys to Happier Life Transitions Through
Tantric Love ..................................................................287



Filling the Empty Nest ....................................................288
When a Partner Dies ........................................................288
Tantra for College Students ............................................288
Tantra for Teens ..............................................................289
Healthier Kids When You’re a Tantra Parent ..................290
How the School System Can Be Tantric ..........................291
The Payoff of Sensory Training at All Ages ....................292

23 Lifestyles and Situations: Tantra for
All Relationships


Cybertantra ......................................................................293
The Pros of Cybertantra ..................................................294
The Cons of Cybertantra ..................................................295
Seeing Beyond the Physical ............................................295
Lasting Love for Seemingly Odd Couples ..........................295
Facing Society’s Opinions ................................................296
The New World of Sexuality ............................................296
Tantric Sex for Men Who Love Men ................................297
Tantric Sex for Goddesses ................................................298
Tantric Love for Those with Disabilities ........................299
Healing Relationships with Your Parents ........................300
Tantra with Your Pets ......................................................300
Tantra with Your Plants ..................................................301

24 Which Path Is Right for You?


The Importance of Guidance ..........................................304
Finding the Right Guide ..................................................305
The Different Traditions of Sacred Sexuality ..................308
Osho: The Spiritually Incorrect Mystic ..........................310
Different Trainings ..........................................................310
Types of Healers and Other Practitioners ........................311
Starting and Keeping Up Your Practice ..........................312
Continuing Your Tantra Education ..................................312
A Few Things to Be Aware Of ..........................................313
Costs ................................................................................315
Do Tantra Weekends Work? ............................................315
New Trends in Tantric Experiences ................................316
Integrating Tantric Sex with Other Techniques ..............317


The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Tantric Sex

25 A Healing Force for Now and the Future


You Are Not Alone ..........................................................320
Sending Energy, Especially in the Face of Tragedy ........320
Healing the Cycles of Abuse ............................................322
A Healthy Way to Get High ............................................323
Tantra as a Healing Force in the Face of Illness ..............324
How Tantra Promotes Tolerance and Diversity ..............324
How Tantric Sex Can Help Heal the World ....................325

A Glossary


B Workshops, Web Sites, Teachers, and
Tantra Communities


C Tantric Tools





It’s exciting for me to see the tantric perspective coming more and more into mainstream thought. People may be drawn to tantric practices hoping to enhance their
sexual satisfaction. It does an amazing job of improving what you already know and
enjoy, but it also takes sexuality to another dimension entirely, an experience way
beyond “normal.”
Tantra is much more than a sexual teaching. Tantric practice can transform every aspect of your life, helping you to expand your physical health and vitality, emotional
healing and expression, psychic sensitivity, satisfying relationships, creativity, productivity, and abundance. It is not unusual for someone to tell me after a few months of
tantric involvement that he or she feels like a different person, much less stressed,
much more comfortable, more joyful.
Dr. Judy is uniquely qualified to be a major tantric communicator, to be the means
through which this message goes forward to a broad population. Through her studies
and research, her writings, her years on radio and in the media, she knows her subject
and knows how to capture people’s interest. She speaks directly of sexual matters, but
also appreciates the deeper potential of tantra.
In this book Dr. Judy has presented a broad overview as well as specific things you can
do to begin your personal exploration. Tantra is really a spiritual path, leading to selfdiscovery, to realizing you are much more magnificent than you ever guessed. If you
have the courage to try something new, this book will guide you through your first
steps, get you started on a great adventure.
Bodhi Avinasha
Founder of Tantrika International and author of Jewel in the Lotus

Part 1

An Introduction to Tantric Sex:
The Spiritual Path
to Sacred Love
You’re about to embark on a wonderful journey! Would you like to feel more intense
excitement than ever before? Experience more love for yourself and others than you
ever imagined possible? Have the best sex ever—truly, because it’s not just sex; it’s
much more?
If you answered yes, get ready to be transformed, to feel freer, and more enthusiastic
about yourself and your life. I can make these promises to you because I know it’s possible and because I have seen inspiring transformations happen to men and women of
all ages, young and old, when embarking on the exciting journey you can make in this
In this part, I’ll introduce you to the ancient arts of lovemaking that started in the
Eastern parts of the world thousands of years ago but that were lost over the centuries
until now—when we in America are reviving them. You’ll learn powerful breathing
techniques, ways to generate powerful surges of sexual energy through your body, how
to honor yourself and your partner, and all the basics to get started on the tantric path
into deeper intimacy and higher states of ecstatic consciousness!

Chapter 1

What Is Tantric

In This Chapter
➤ What is tantra and tantric sex?
➤ How tantra affects your senses, spirit, mind, body, and soul
➤ How tantra is compatible with the modern Western way of life
➤ Fact or fiction: correcting myths about tantric sex
➤ The benefits of tantric sex
➤ Quiz: Are you ready for tantric sex?

Are you ready to experience bliss like you’ve never felt before? Imagine a sexual experience in which light flashes explode in your brain and every cell in your body feels
alive. Imagine exploding with pleasure at even the slightest touch anywhere on your
body. Imagine being in a sexual embrace of such utter joy and peacefulness that you
“melt” into one another and then expand to feel “at one” with the entire universe.
If you would like to have those experiences, you’re reading the perfect book! I’ll take
you through the world of tantric sex in which such experiences are possible and attainable. You will learn the basics teachings that bring you to these high states of
pleasure and consciousness, and actual step-by-step practices you can perform immediately to reach these states of bliss and enlightenment.

Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
The ancient practice of tantric sex is enjoying new popularity in America, making this
the perfect time for you to harness what you already know about love and sexuality
and take it to the next level. The world we live in is more ready than ever for tantric
sex because of our new appreciation for deeper spiritual practices. In addition, as life
is increasingly driven by technology so that person-to-person contact is diminishing,
there is more desire for the intimate, meaningful contact that tantric sex offers. Read
on through these chapters to achieve just that!

What Is Tantra?
To understand tantric sex, first you must understand what tantra is. The word “tantra”
comes from ancient Sanskrit language meaning “expansion through awareness.”
Tantra is a spiritual path that involves very specific practices that use breath, sounds,
movements, and symbols to quiet the mind and activate sexual energy, directing it
throughout the body to achieve states of consciousness
and bliss. Tantra traditions come from ancient practices
in India, Nepal, and China. Whereas once they were reserved for royalty, now they are for all of us.

Tantra Tutorial
Tantra is a Sanskrit word meaning the teachings and practices
that use energy to lead to a high
state of bliss and enlightenment.
Tantric sex applies the teachings of tantra to the sexual union
in order to reach these high

The practices also help heal past hurts, often stored in
sexual centers of the body, so that you can be more fully
present in the moment and open to love. When practiced together, the techniques bring about a powerful
flow of energy between you and your partner, which energizes your being and expands your love for each other
and the universe.

Sacred Sex the Tantric Way

Feel your sex center now and sense any energy flowing
there. Press yourself against the chair if you are sitting, or
squeeze the muscles of your buttocks if you are standing.
Therein lies a powerful energy generator, according to
the tantric sex tradition—but the path does not end at
just physical pleasure. Imagine feeling volts of electricity surging in your sexual area,
which you could direct to your heart to feel more love—or to your mind for mindblowing orgasms that last endlessly and put you in a state of complete joy and bliss.
Tantric sex involves the practice of various meditations and exercises (including yoga)
to arouse and channel tremendous energy within the body, cycle that energy with a
partner, and send it out into the world. It is intended for personal fulfillment, interpersonal intimacy, and connection to the entire world of beings. The energy generated by tantric sex can be used for either pleasure intended for blissful enlightenment
or for healing. In Parts 1 and 2 I’ll discuss tantric sex for pleasure. In Part 3 I’ll tell
you how to harness that pleasure for healing.


Chapter 1 ➤ What Is Tantric Sex?
Achieving bliss is a major
goal in tantric sex.

So what is tantric sex? It can be any and all of the following:
➤ Achieving a balance between male and
female energies within the self and with a
➤ Sexuality that directs energy toward free expression and breaks barriers internally and interpersonally. This is attained by elevating sex
acts into a divine practice and uniting as
beloveds for whom every touch and movement is considered a divine gift.
➤ Aligning with another being and with the
world through divine sexual experience.
➤ Celebrating sexual union as an honoring of
all beings and creation.
➤ Practices that liberate the soul to experience
the highest levels of bliss.

Blocks to Bliss
The term “tantric sex” is often
misinterpreted and potentially
dangerous for the uninformed
because it is used to refer to a
mixture of different paths, as a
buzzword for wanton sexuality,
and as an excuse for sexual
affairs, sex addictions, and sex
for sale.

How Tantric Sex Frees Your Mind, Body, and Soul
As in any meditative practice, a crucial key to achieving the wonderful benefits of
tantric sex is to quiet the mind; you will learn many methods of doing this in this
book. Tantric sex is mindful in that you pay attention to what you’re doing in the


Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
exchange between you and your partner. Being mindful induces a sense of respect
and reverence for the experience, which lends itself to honoring each other as god
and goddess, as you will learn in Chapter 4, “Awaken and Worship the God and
Goddess in You.” Consistent with mindfulness—but not at all contradictory—is the
goal of tantric sex to get out of your mind and release your body. Through this kind
of release you can freely express yourself and feel deep states of love outside of sexual
pleasure that touch your soul.

Tantric Sex as the Path to Healing
An advanced use of tantric sex is for healing the body, mind, and spirit. Men as well
as women suffer various hurts, rejections, and abuses—either real or perceived—from
previous relationships. Through exercises and rituals explained in this book, tantric
sex can be used to heal these hurts and free the body, mind, and spirit to feel peaceful, empowered, and open to love without fear, guilt, embarrassment, shame, or
As you will see, specifically in Chapters 9, “Breaking Through Blocks to Bliss,” and 17,
“Sexual Healing to Set You Free,” sexual healing involves three steps:
1. Identifying past hurts (either real or imagined) through sexual stimulation and
2. Releasing powerful emotions attached to these hurts.
3. Replacing the hurt with positive experience and emotions.

Tantric Sex as Magic

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
You might enjoy renting the
popular movie Bliss, which is
about the healing and personal
growth that is possible through
tantric practice. However, be
aware that the true spiritual aspects are barely touched upon
and the story is obviously skewed
to conform to the needs of a
marketable Hollywood drama.


Throughout this book and specifically in Chapter 15,
“Make It Juicy with Magic and Play,” I’ll guide you
through rituals and creative new techniques that will
heal your hurts, make you feel young, and expand
your ability to love and experience joy.

A Powerful Chemical
Cocktail to Bliss
Tantric sex practices affect you in many dimensions—
your senses, spirit, mind, body, and soul. Real changes
occur in the body that are consistent with ecstatic
states, including the flow of chemicals that lead to euphoria. These include endorphins (called “the pleasure
chemical”), oxytocin (called the “cuddle chemical”),

Chapter 1 ➤ What Is Tantric Sex?
phenylethlyamanime (another pleasure chemical), and adrenaline (an activating chemical). Different practices stimulate the nervous system to create either excitation or
Although tantric sex practices have not been studied in the laboratory, other related
research has shown how certain activities that alter the brain and body are routes to
bliss. Meditation, key to certain tantric practices, has been extensively researched and
shown to have positive effects on brain wave activity, specifically causing relaxation
responses. In preliminary research, a California sexologist measured women’s brain
wave activity during relaxation, imagery, and tantric-related masturbatory activity
and showed that women who practice tantric activities can induce brain waves during self-pleasuring that are associated with pleasurable altered states of consciousness.

Find and Follow the Pathways of Energy
In tantric sex you discover energy pathways in the body and concentrate on controlling the movement of that energy within those pathways. You interweave those energies with your partner to dissolve feelings of separation and to become united. As you
will discover in Chapter 2, “The Basics: Yes, Yin Yang, Yoni, and Yab Yum,” tantric sex
brings together key glands in the brain (the pineal and pituitary glands) that correspond to energy centers, or chakras. When this happens, you will see how grand it is!

How the West Revived
Eastern Tantric Sex Practices
Ancient Eastern cultures have been practicing
some of these sacred sex traditions for centuries.
Unfortunately, through political upheavals, religious objections, and cultural changes in those
societies, the practices were suppressed or forgotten. It’s amazing that these practices are being revived now in America and being returned to their
origins by key figures in the field—as well as by
me in my current extensive work in the Orient. I
call this the “Enlightenment Road” for new
thinkers, bringing precious new ways of life from
one country to another, much like traders
brought their wares along the famous “Silk Road”
through China centuries ago.

Blocks to Bliss
Don’t get so carried away in the
pursuit of bliss that you forget
that the goal behind the practice of tantric sex is the attainment of wisdom, enlightenment,
and the benefit of all mankind,
not just individual pleasure.


Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
Me with Chinese colleagues answering calls on
a Shanghai hotline.

Signing books at a national Chinese book fair.

Although meditation from Eastern gurus such as Swamis Muktananda and Sachidananda became popular about 25 years ago, and tantric sex practices were similarly
introduced by Easterners such as Mantak Chia, the practices became mainstream only
about a decade ago. Tantric sex practices were revived mainly by students of related
arts of yoga and meditation in the West, who came upon teachings of tantra and integrated them into their own practices.
Although tantric practices were developed in the Eastern part of the world, they are
particularly applicable and appealing to the Western world today. Here are 10 ways
tantric sex has modern-day appeal to the West:
1. Tantric sex promises simple steps and instant results, which are appealing to
Westerners who are conditioned to “instant” lifestyles (instant coffee, fast food,
instant gratification) and quick fixes.
2. The practices are based on channeling and using desire, rather than denying desire. Most Westerners don’t like the idea of abandoning desire, but adapting it to
reach higher states is acceptable and even appealing.


Chapter 1 ➤ What Is Tantric Sex?
3. The practices don’t require the traditional retreat from society. Mainstream
Westerners are not willing to find ecstasy and enlightenment by joining an
ashram for years of quiet meditation, shaving their heads, wearing orange robes,
or giving up worldly goods.
4. Tantric sex is based on the principle of transformation of energy; Westerners are
familiar with this concept in physics, electronics, and modern technology.
5. Westerners like to control (things, themselves, others); tantra harnesses control
by practices that channel energy into different body parts and for specific

Tantra Tales
Perhaps one of the most notable bridges between Eastern and Western thought in our
time is the Indian mystic Osho, who knew he had to adapt the most austere Eastern meditation practices to make them more appealing to Westerners. He set up a retreat center
in America in the 1970s. His lectures were peppered with jokes and included freeform
dancing to live bands and celebration, and courses taught subjects like psychic massage,
aromatherapy, and astrology.

6. Tantric sex practices encourage experience and self-determination, practical dayto-day rituals, and a step-by-step approach to achieving higher states of peacefulness, bliss, and consciousness rather than blind faith, which is not as
appealing to Westerners accustomed to questioning belief systems.
7. Tantric sex starts with individual practice, which generates into practice with a
partner that can then benefit the whole society. This is consistent with the individualism that is the basis of Western society.
8. Tantric sex hails self-discovery, a practice consistent with the Western obsession
with self-improvement and self-mastery.
9. Tantric sex honors the human body, consistent with Western appreciation and
focus on the body. Far from being a hindrance to enlightenment, the body is
considered the vehicle for bliss.
10. Tantric sex practices encourage heightening the senses through beautiful clothing, attractive surroundings, and stimulation of all the senses, which is consistent with Western obsessions with worldly pleasures.


Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love

Sacred Sex
Sacred sex refers to the connection between two higher selves for the intention of a divine union—not for physical thrill, lust, or intent to use another person for personal
sexual or emotional satisfaction. The coming together of two beings is considered an
act of godliness, to be taken seriously and done with great reverence, serving as a
bridge between the physical world and the spiritual
world and reached via the vehicle of the body and

Ecstasy Essentials
Critics claim that Westerners have
diluted or tainted the practices
of tantric sex from the pure form
that originated centuries ago.
Westerners actually should be
credited for reviving (even if
somewhat revising) practices that
were neglected for centuries.

Several different types of tantra are practiced and
taught in modern times. Some of these preserve the
ancient traditions; others have adapted some practices
to suit more Western or modern ways. However, most
of the ideas are based on similar principles, such as:
➤ Sexuality is sacred.
➤ All beings are connected and equal.
➤ Sexual energy can be directed and channeled
for the benefit of the individual, couple, and all
➤ Sexual union is the road to higher consciousness and ecstasy.
➤ The breath is the key to releasing this powerful

Tantra Tutorial
To release the ego, you can call
upon your higher self, or the
wise part of you that is above
judgments, worldly fears, and
fear of the unknown. In quiet
moments, some people find it
easier to visualize this self as actually above the head, looking
down on the problem or situation and witnessing it.


Even if you know nothing of tantra yet, you might
know about, have heard a friend talk about, or had a
taste yourself of an experience in which you were
making love and “melted into” your partner, or “felt
at one with the universe.” Tantric lovemaking leads to
this merging of the self with the beloved and the universe. This can be a challenge, because it requires suspending the rational mind—the thinking, worrying,
critical part that defines who we think we are and our
daily interests, needs, and problems. Oh, the mind
struggles against giving up its worrying—after all, as
tantric teacher Bodhi Avinasha says, “If it gave up
worry, might the mind then be out of a job?” The
mind constantly tells you, “I need this”; “I should do
that”; “I don’t like this.” Tantric sex gives you a
chance to stop the ego and the mind from this longing and worrying.

Chapter 1 ➤ What Is Tantric Sex?

Myths About Tantra and Tantric Sex
Because tantra celebrates sexuality, it has become ripe for criticism and misunderstanding. Here are some myths and truths about tantric sex:
Myth: Tantric sex is all about sex.
Truth: Tantric sex practices sometimes do not even include genital contact—they are
really about energetic and spiritual contact between partners. Intercourse or the connection of genitals only serves to heighten the energetic connection when a couple is
ready for that intimate stage.
Myth: Practicing tantra means you give up pleasure.
Truth: This myth is the opposite of the mistaken belief I just addressed that tantra is
all about sex; neither extreme is true. Tantra does not require a renunciation of pleasure, even though some yogic practices do; rather tantra is an enhancement of joy and
pleasure. The tantric sex path does not see desire as something to be denied, as if you
have to mimic the image of the Buddha sitting silently meditating cross-legged,
alone, not thinking of anything—and giving up sex. Instead, tantra recognizes the
powerful force that sex plays in our lives and harnesses it to achieve states of bliss beyond just physical pleasure.
Myth: Tantric sex encourages indulgences of the
appetites, which leads to affairs or orgies.
Truth: Tantric sex does not advocate indulging uncontrolled sexual or other appetites, or multiplying
your desires and wallowing in pleasure. In fact, it
trains us to control desire to channel it to higher
purposes. What’s more, connection between two
people is meant to be considered very seriously
and commitment highly regarded. Although some
people use tantric sex as a way to rationalize having sex with many different people or many people at once, this is not the spirit of true tantra.
Sexuality is not meant to be flittered away mindlessly or thoughtlessly, but honored and intended
for the purpose of higher states of consciousness,
rather than simply physical stimulation or satisfaction. You could even say that you can resist sexual
contact with others because you are trained to be
able to connect with others emotionally and spiritually, without having to engage bodies in sex. In a
true tantric practitioner, a newly liberated libido
does not act out promiscuous desires.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
To understand the difference between allowing pleasure rather
than grasping for it, imagine a
person you desire in front of you.
First, picture stepping forward
and grabbing for that person,
who stays out of your reach. Feel
your frustration and heart
pounding. In contrast, picture
staying in place and seeing that
physical being dissolved into a
ray of light that either comes to
you or not. Experience a more
peaceful and expansive feeling
within yourself.


Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
Myth: Tantric sex turns you into a sex maniac.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
If a married woman feels attracted to another man, instead
of having an affair, in tantric
practice she would watch her
feelings, meditate on them, and
follow the force of that fantasy
to bring new energy into her sex
life with her husband.

Truth: Tantric sex does release your sexual energy and
give you full permission to express yourself—so the
tendency to act out sexually is possible, but only if
you misuse the practices. If you learn the practices responsibly, you will overcome any tendencies to have
random, meaningless sex.
Myth: Tantric sex is for Easterners and is not consistent with how we see sex in the West.
Truth: As I mentioned earlier in this chapter, tantric
sex practices are actually quite consistent with our
Western way of thinking. The focus on the individual,
the acceptance of pleasure, and clearly defined steps
are a perfect fit with the way Westerners currently live
their lives. Tantric sex retools these approaches to be
more aligned with the road to true ecstasy.
Myth: Tantra is a religion and a cult that will trap or
brainwash you.
Truth: Tantra is neither a religion or a cult. The genuine ethical tantra teachers do not want to control
you; they merely guide you in a series of practices that
you choose for yourself and adapt into your life.

Blocks to Bliss
Beware of anyone, tantra
teacher or otherwise, who demands that you follow them
rigidly; give up your life, friends,
or family; or sign over your

Myth: It takes a long time to learn how to do tantric
Truth: One of the beautiful aspects of the tantric path
is that the practices can be put into effect immediately
and results noticed. In just one weekend workshop
you can learn enough basic ideas and practical exercises to immediately improve your sex life and general
feelings about yourself, which will generate to every
part of your life.

Why Tantric Sex Now?
Several factors have led to the popularity of tantric sex in our modern times:
➤ In the last two decades of the twentieth century, couples and singles suffered
great distress and frustration over relationships and searched for solutions in all
directions. Self-help books and courses have become increasingly popular as people seek solutions to finding and keeping the love they want. People could
choose from a growing number of approaches once considered “alternative” or


Chapter 1 ➤ What Is Tantric Sex?
“pop psychology,” but that are now much
more mainstream. The options are innumerable, as is evidenced by the growing number
of self-enrichment and alternative health and
healing centers.
➤ Co-dependency and addictions of all kinds,
which stem from lack of love and true intimate connection, have escalated. Sufferers
and health experts are seeking, and willing to
try, many new kinds of solutions to these
➤ We are moving away from the view of
relationships as “dysfunctional”—which emphasizes only negative patterns of behavior—
toward a more positive view, which focuses
on the potential for healthy interactions.

Tantra Tutorial
Once “alternative” but now
more mainstream methods for
personal growth and health
range from bodywork or massage
techniques to past-life regression
(imagining eras in which you
might have lived previously that
helps explain your relationships,
problems, or goals in the present).

➤ People have increasingly turned to medications to relieve depression and anxiety
(disorders that have reached epidemic proportions), yet found these solutions disappointing.
➤ Pressures of corporate downsizing, increased consumerism, and technological
advances have put increasing strain on relationships, causing loneliness and isolation and turning people toward Eastern philosophies, which shun materialism.
➤ The growing interest in improving relationships and attaining a deeper connection between lovers has led gradually to the resurgence of the Age of Aquarius,
with its interest in what’s come to be called spirituality. This spirituality focuses
attention on the deeper parts of one’s soul, instead of just rational reasons for
coupling or particular ways that couples can stay together.
➤ World tensions, terrorism, and war have increased people’s distrust and distress,
and therefore a desire for peace both internally and in their daily life. Tantra
stands for that trust and peace, in the internal and external worlds.

Twelve Benefits of Tantric Sex Practices
Devoting yourself to any practice has to have payoffs. There are many dividends from
investing time and energy into tantric sex. Tantric sex practices can help you achieve
the following:


Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
1. Expand your possibilities for love. Tantric sex shows you how to deepen the
physical and spiritual connection with your partner, and nurture and love
2. Rejuvenate your health. Practicing tantric sex has physiological and psychological effects that maintain—and regain—health. For example, breathing techniques bring more air into the body, nourishing the tissues and muscles. Research
has shown a link between the effects of relaxation, meditation, and spirituality
and better physical and emotional health. People who are spiritual have lower
blood pressure, lower levels of anxiety and depression, more stable hormone levels, and better functioning immune systems.
3. Tap into the fountain of youth. For all the health benefits mentioned previously, practicing tantra can make you feel and look young again.
4. Empower women. Many women suffer from low self-esteem. They might have
a poor body image or they might give in to sex when they would really like to
say no or not tell their partner what they really want. In tantric sex, women are
treated with the respect and honor they desire and deserve.
5. Empower men. So many men worry about their penis size, and how long they
last in sex. Many also don’t know how to commit or really please a woman.
When men feel more empowered in sex, they become more confident and open
to being more caring in their relationship.
6. Help you achieve true satisfaction from sex. When the sex act is over, are you
ever left with the feeling that you’re not really finished? This is often because
the sexual act does not go beyond the genitals—it does not touch the heart. In
tantric sex, you can reach the state in which every cell in your body feels nurtured from the soul connection you feel with your partner. When sex happens
with this kind of heart connection, both body and mind are fed.
7. Alleviate anxieties and depression. Statistics show millions of men and women
suffer from anxiety and depression, including symptoms like fatigue, listlessness,
and sleeping and eating disturbances. Tantric sex provides an enormous source
of energy to the body and peacefulness to the mind that overcomes these
8. Elevate sex. When you elevate sex to a level of sacredness, it takes on a richer
dimension than a mere physical act.
9. Prolong pleasure. Tantric sex techniques make lovemaking—including the afterglow—last a long time. This occurs not only through ejaculatory control but
by learning to direct sexual energy anywhere in the body or into spiritual manifestations.
10. Heal past emotional wounds. Tantric sex can help you heal past hurts from all
kinds of painful or traumatic experiences in which you felt betrayed or abused.


Chapter 1 ➤ What Is Tantric Sex?
Instead, it helps you create experiences of being honored and respected in sex
and in life in general.
11. Deepen your connection to others. Tantric sex gives more meaning to life and
enriches your relationships.
12. Affect the world positively. Your personal gains cause you to generate more
positive and loving energy outwardly, extending to everyone you come into
contact with, even altering the energy of the planet (since all things on a metaphysical or spiritual level are interrelated).

Tantra Tales
Michelle noticed that her husband was less enthusiastic about their sex life after only two
years of being together. She admitted that she had grown more inhibited, spending less
time touching him and only allowing intercourse without giving him the oral pleasure he
once enjoyed so much. Learning tantric sex practices turned all this around. Michelle
committed herself to becoming a better lover, offering to massage her husband all over,
experimenting with new ways of pleasing him, following her instinct and sensing what he
would enjoy.

Are You Ready for Tantra?
How do you know whether you’re ready for tantric sex practices? Take this quiz to see
whether these practices will be consistent with where you are now in your spiritual
journey. Share this quiz with your partner to see if he or she is also ready to begin
these practices.
The “Are You Ready for Tantra?” Quiz
Check Yes or No for each of the following questions:
1. Are you willing to change the way you have sex now
to have a deeper, more meaningful experience?

❏ Yes ❏ No

2. Do you believe that how you breathe affects your
sexual experience?

❏ Yes ❏ No

3. Do you think that women can have multiple orgasms
but men cannot?

❏ Yes ❏ No


Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
4. Do you think a man should be a “man” and a woman
should be a “woman,” with no crossover in those roles?

❏ Yes ❏ No

5. Do you think that a man has to ejaculate to achieve

❏ Yes ❏ No

6. Do you want lovemaking to last longer?

❏ Yes ❏ No
❏ Yes ❏ No

7. Do you think you must have an orgasm to be
satisfied in sex?
8. Do you need a certain type of lover to be happy?
9. Do you want to have sex with your partner on a
high spiritual level?
10. Do you think that your loving can influence more
peace on earth?

❏ Yes ❏ No
❏ Yes ❏ No
❏ Yes ❏ No

Scoring: Count the total number of Yes and No answers you have to the preceding
questions, according to the following:
Number of Yes answers to questions 1, 2, 6, 9, 10:
Number of No answers to questions 3, 4, 5, 7, 8:
My total score =
My partner’s total score =
If your total score is more than 5, you are really ready for tantric practice. You believe
in channeling pleasure for higher purpose and want to use lovemaking to achieve an
energetic exchange with a partner. You are willing to enthusiastically participate in
tantric training and are ready to learn the skills that will enable you to use your sexuality in a sacred way.
If your total is between 3 and 5, you have the potential to start tantric practice and
would benefit greatly from taking a tantric course. Read on to learn more about
tantric sex, and spark your interest and commitment to harnessing the potential you
already have.
If your total is less than 3, you have skepticism about how to harness sexuality, but
still should read on and consider how to integrate these new, exciting practices into
your life.

The Ten Pledges of the Tantric Sex Path
Once you have committed to the path of tantric sex, see how the following pledges
feel to you. Hopefully, a peaceful feeling washes over you (your breath more even,
mind restful) as you read these sentences:


Chapter 1 ➤ What Is Tantric Sex?
1. I pledge to explore the divinity within myself.
2. I pledge to honor the god and goddesses divinities in others.
3. I pledge to explore my sensuality and sexuality as a way to rejuvenate my organs of blocked emotions.
4. I pledge to balance my inner being, my relationships, and my environment.
5. I pledge to apply my balance and bliss for the good of the rest of the world.
6. I pledge to discover my sensuality for harmonious relationships.
7. I pledge to remove emotional obstacles from my past or present, to free me to
express my inner being and joy.
8. I pledge to connect with my inner child for joy.
9. I pledge to be both a healer and a lover for my partner and myself.
10. I pledge to use my sexual energy wisely and judiciously for increased selfconfidence, gentleness, power, pleasure, harmony, and freedom for myself, my
beloveds, and others in this world.

The Least You Need to Know
➤ The practices of tantric sex can lead you to more satisfying, blissful sex; but
even more important, to higher states of consciousness and better relationships.

➤ Although tantric sex practices originated in ancient Eastern cultures, they can
be easily integrated into the Western way of life.

➤ Tantric sexual practices have many physical, emotional, interpersonal, and spiritual benefits.

➤ Anyone can follow tantric sex practices as long as they are willing to make
changes in their attitudes and behaviors and make a commitment to an honorable and respectful way of life.


Chapter 2

The Basics: Yes,
Yin Yang, Yoni,
and Yab Yum

In This Chapter
➤ Achieving balance and uniting male and female, yin and yang, Shiva and Shakti
➤ A test of opposites
➤ The lovemaking position of yab yum
➤ Sex as energy, not just an act
➤ New terms for lovers and sex organs
➤ Setting boundaries of “yes” and “no”

Now that you are embarking on the study of tantric sex, you’ll find yourself changing
how you view certain aspects of yourself, your relationships, and the world—a paradigm shift from what likely is familiar or comfortable for you. Through your new exploration, you will learn to look beyond the physical being to see the divinity in every
man and woman. You’ll view sex as sacred and spiritual rather than simply a physical
act. What’s more, you’ll learn a new language of love as you progress to higher states
of consciousness and bliss.
As you embark on this journey, suspend any limiting beliefs of how you think you
have to be, what you think you need from a lover, and what has to happen in sex for
you to be fulfilled. As you read this chapter, allow yourself to embrace new ideas
about who you are, what a really happy partnership entails, and how to have truly
great sex.

Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
In this chapter I’ll introduce you to those basic concepts and practices of tantric sex
that are important to your understanding of this exciting new way of life and loving.
Get ready to stretch—I promise it will be worth it!

Yin and Yang: What Is Male and What Is Female?
I’m sure you’re familiar with traditional stereotypes of men as assertive and powerful,
and women as soft and nurturing. We also know too well the criticisms that men
don’t express feelings (thinking that’s a “female” thing to do), and that women don’t
speak up or take credit for what they do (characteristics considered more “male”).
Fortunately, an increasing number of men and women are allowing themselves a
broader range of behaviors.
Tantric sex might seem to affirm these opposite characteristics, since a fundamental
principle of tantra is that male and female are considered polar opposites. According
to Eastern theory, yin represents feminine characteristics and yang represents masculine traits. However, that’s not to say that a woman can’t be “yang” and a male “yin.”
Rather than taking this principle literally, try to imagine male and female as energies.
The path to bliss in tantra is the union of these two powerful forces.

The Circle of Coupled

Ecstasy Essentials
Tantra asserts that all problems,
fears, and unhappiness in relationships derive from the feeling
that we are not whole and are
searching to complete the unfulfilled parts of ourselves. Yet each
of us has the capacity to embrace our male and female energies, to become whole, and to
come together in a healthy

You’ve undoubtedly seen the circular yin yang symbol
before, with one white and one black side. It’s the classic Chinese symbol of the male and female energies
uniting into a whole. According to Eastern theory, the
circle represents the union of yin as the feminine or
female energy and yang as the masculine or male energy. Yang is the force of father, heaven, sky, and all
that is logical and penetrating. Yin is the feminine
force of the earth and mother, representing aspects of
being that are nurturing and receptive.
Yang is quick to fire whereas yin is slow to heat. Think
of how similar this is to the typical sexual response
cycle of men and women—he’s always so ready for sex
while she needs more romance to get in the mood. (In
fact, men need only three minutes to get excited,
whereas it takes women fifteen minutes to reach
equivalent arousal.)

Yang corresponds to the upper part of the body, including the throat, brain, and
power center, while yin is linked to the heart and lower body (the womb and sexual
organs). (I’ll discuss more about these energy centers in the next chapter.) Again,


Chapter 2 ➤ The Basics: Yes, Yin Yang, Yoni, and Yab Yum
these ideas are consistent with stereotypes that men are more “in their heads”
and into power, while women are more in touch with their body and emotions.
Tantric sex practices give you specific tools, disciplined practices, and fun games
that bring these two parts and characteristics into balance—to assist your journey
to cosmic bliss.
The Chinese symbol of
the union of yin and

Shiva and Shakti
Another common image in tantric tradition is the Hindu couple in the form of Lord
Shiva and his female consort, the Goddess Shakti. He is considered the mighty creator, and she the essence of energy. Their symbolic union inspires us to expect to be
treated like a god or goddess, and to surrender to the god or goddess in our partner.
(I’ll discuss more about how honoring in this way leads to sacred love and magical
sex in Chapter 4, “Awaken and Worship the God and Goddess in You,” and in Part 3,
“Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy.” There you’ll learn exactly how to
treat each other to have awesome and enlivening loving experiences.)
Lord Shiva and Goddess


Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
Shiva’s male energy also represents bliss, and Shakti’s female energy represents wisdom—another magical combination of two essential elements necessary to reach enlightenment. The perfect pair is often depicted in statues and paintings in many
entwined positions—embracing, sitting, standing, balancing on one leg, or dancing,
with Shakti wrapped around Shiva’s body or hiked on his hips. (Dancing, as I’ll tell
you later in this book, is a sacred ritual to free the spirit and facilitate enlightenment.)
The pair also might be sitting inside a lotus (a plant in the water lily family, considered in Hinduism to be the source of life).

Getting in Touch with Opposites
To reach the ideal balance of opposite energies, first you must recognize any divisions
you have made. Look at the following list of stereotypic characteristics. Circle the ones
that you identify with or that best describe you. Read
the opposite quality and see if you can imagine being
like that as well. Add some other qualities you can
think of.




Tantra Tutorial



The left side of the body is considered the receiving side (yin);
therefore many tantric sex practices I tell you about in this book
are meant to be done while gazing mainly into your partner’s
left eye, or by visualizing energy
entering through your left hand
and flowing out toward your
partner with your right hand.














Imagine going from one extreme to the other, and then what it would be like to embrace both characteristics.

Achieving Balance and Union of Opposites
An ultimate goal of tantric sex is to balance polarities, which you explored in the previous exercise. Different cultures might use different terms, but all similarly search
for balance of opposites and use rituals to achieve sacred union of male and female


Chapter 2 ➤ The Basics: Yes, Yin Yang, Yoni, and Yab Yum
energies. Some of these practices seem esoteric to us; others are familiar. For example,
prayers invoke both energies, as in “God’s will be done on earth as it is in heaven.” In
tantric practice, energy from heaven (also considered male—yang or “father” energy)
has to unite with energy from earth (also considered female—yin and “mother” energy) in a cosmic circle, in order to reach the desired higher
states of bliss.
People often ask me whether opposites really attract. Think of your past relationships. Have you
and your partner been opposites in any way?
Perhaps one of you was the pursuer and the other
the pursued. Perhaps one was more emotional and
the other more rational; one more extravagant and
the other more prudent. These couplings are common and represent the self seeking balance. These
relationships can certainly work, and being different can create excitement, but it’s unhealthy to
seek an opposite to fulfill a part of you that is lacking (as in the case of a woman choosing a man
who is extremely logical because she feels too

Tantra Tutorial
In ancient times among certain
groups, androgyny (being both
male and female) was honored,
and hermaphrodites (people
born with genitalia of both
sexes) represented perfection.

Position Yourselves for Love in Yab Yum
The Hindu term yab yum refers to the position
you might have seen in tantric art: The man sits
with legs crossed and the female straddles in his
lap, their legs are wrapped around each other and
if possible, meet behind the back (the same position is called Cranes with Necks Intertwined in
Chinese). Yab yum represents the union of opposites, like the male and female forces of yin and
yang. This position accomplishes several goals,
as it …
➤ Enables lovers to look directly in each
other’s eyes.
➤ Aligns their energy centers (something I’ll
discuss in the next chapter).
➤ Gives easy access to each other’s bodies.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
When assuming the yab yum position, choose a place to sit that
is comfortable for you. Experiment (try sitting in a chair). Use
a pillow to be more comfortable
and aligned, especially if one
partner is much shorter than the


Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
Couple sitting in yab yum

Sex as Energy—Not Activity
Sex in the Western world has all too often been a matter of performance (how much
the woman moans, how long the man lasts) or behaviors (such as oral sex or intercourse). Tantric sex redefines what sex is—not as an
action, but as movement of energy within you individually, and between you and your partner. The practices guide you to generate sexual energy, transform it
into love energy, and transmit it to your partner and
even to the universe. (I’ll discuss this further and give
you specific techniques on how to do this in Part 3.)

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
A man’s energy “enters” the
woman (and vice versa) through
penetration or the exchange of
body fluids; an important reason
to be selective about with whom
you have a sexual embrace or
physical encounter.


My Partner, My Beloved
Tantra is about sacred love; so, the partner is considered a beloved to be honored, cherished, and loved unconditionally. Use the term “beloved” when you speak
to your partner and see how just the word alone
arouses loving feelings. Say, “John, my beloved, I
would like to ….” Also, when speaking about your

Chapter 2 ➤ The Basics: Yes, Yin Yang, Yoni, and Yab Yum
partner to someone else, refer to him or her as
“My beloved ….” It might seem strange at first,
but you will also be sending out that loving energy to the person with whom you are speaking,
who will share in that love.

What Do You Call Your Sex
Organs? The New Terms for Yoni
and Lingam
Tantric sex also gives you a new vocabulary for
the genitals, to honor the sacredness of those
parts of the body and their role in sex. I’ll tell you
about these shortly, but first it’s important to
identify how you already feel by the labels you
use. Look over this list of names for the female
and male genitalia and add any others you can
think of. Circle the ones that you feel sound positive, and make you feel good about yourself and
your body, or your partner’s body. Put an X through
the ones that you feel are negative and pejorative.

Ecstasy Essentials
Tantric sex is commonly associated with the Kama Sutra, the
ancient Hindu texts of love that
contain advice on love and many
positions for lovemaking. Some
of these will be presented in Part
3, where I’ll tell you about many
specific practices for pleasing
your partner.




Momma lips

Down there

Jewel gate (Japanese)

Pleasure pot

Mystic rose

Doorway of life (Chinese)


Sacred cave

Kohe (Hawaiian)


Other: _____________

Other: ______________

Now do the same for words that refer to the male genitalia:

Phallus (Greek)








Family jewels

Arrow of love

Jade flute (Chinese)

Wand of light

Other: ____________

Other: ____________

Consider using these words for genitalia (as I will be doing throughout this book)
from the tantric sex traditions:
➤ Yoni is a Sanskrit word meaning “womb” and “source.” It refers to the vagina, a
woman’s sacred temple.


Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
➤ Sacred space refers to the divine insides of the
female, meant to be treated with great reverence, as it is the source of Shakti, female power
and feminine divine energy.
➤ Pearl is a word for the clitoris.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Using tantric terms might feel
stilted to you or your partner at
first, but with practice it will become more comfortable and infuse you with positive energy.
Honoring words convey more respect. Practice saying, “I adore
your lingam” or “What a beautiful yoni.”

Ecstasy Essentials
Asking permission of your partner
for any sexual act (or anything
else) you would like honors the
other person and is a rule of
tantric sex. I’ll discuss this in
more detail in Chapters 10,
“Giving Her the Best Nights
Ever,” and 11, “Giving Him the
Best Nights Ever,” which cover
pleasing your partner.

➤ Lingam, vajra, or thunderbolt refer respectfully
to the male phallus, and evoke the male energy
of the Hindu Lord Shiva.

A New View of Desire
You feel desire every time you feel the urge to have
something you think will make you feel better. “That
chick is hot,” you might say about how a woman
looks, or “I want that guy,” you might exclaim about a
man you think will make your dreams come true.
These desires can come from feeling incomplete, expressing the feeling that “If only I had (him or her,
this or that), I would be happy,” reflecting a neediness
and driving you to possess someone or something.
Ironically, once you have what you desire, you often
become disillusioned; for example, you might search
for someone prettier, richer, or more interesting.
Through tantric sex practices you are no longer desperate, or attached to superficial needs, allowing you
to create healthier relationships.

Empowered to Say “Yes”
or “No”

When people are empowered to set their boundaries,
both in sex and in general, they gain valued selfesteem. In tantric sex, you are in charge of your body
and soul. A lover should always ask your permission to
enter your sacred space, and you have the right to say
yes or no. Are you ready to say no to being disrespected, pressured into sex, touched in a way that
makes you uncomfortable? When you speak your
truth in this way, your partner is empowered as well, by knowing your limits and
how to please you. Are you also ready to say yes to longer lovemaking, ecstasy in
multiple orgasms, deeper satisfaction and intimacy, spiritual love connected to blissful
sex? If so, you’ve come to the right book!


Chapter 2 ➤ The Basics: Yes, Yin Yang, Yoni, and Yab Yum

Taking Care of Your Body Temple
According to tantra, your body is your temple. To reach enlightenment through
tantric sex, you have to take care of that temple. Any fitness routine you prefer is
helpful, although many tantric practitioners mix their sexual practices with some
form of yoga (a gentle choice). Yogic poses have roots in tantric lovemaking positions
from ancient texts (although they also became the route to asceticism and abstinence). Read more about useful, interesting, and fun routines you can use individually or with a partner in Chapters 6, “Amp Up or Damp Down Your Sexual Energy,”
and in 14, “Getting Fit Together for Tantric Sex. “
Tantric sex practices also balance the opposites of meditation and activation. This is
done through breathing practices, which send breath through your body, as I’ll tell
you about in the next chapter.

The Least You Need to Know
➤ Tantric sex involves the union and balance of opposites, female and male energies referred to as yin and yang that symbolize dark and light, moon and sun,
receiving and giving, heaven and earth.

➤ Yab yum, the position for lovemaking described in ancient Hindu texts in
which the woman sits in the man’s lap, helps align energies necessary for a
powerful tantric love connection.

➤ Tantric sex is not simply an act but the buildup, movement, and transmission
of energy through your own body and between you and a partner.

➤ Setting boundaries by saying yes or no to what you want builds self-esteem
and empowerment that is essential for a healthy interaction with a partner in
tantric sex.

➤ Honoring and respecting your partner is essential in tantric sex. It is accomplished by asking permission for any sexual act and in using terms like
“beloved” to refer to your partner and “sacred space,” “yoni,” and “lingam”
to refer to sexual organs.


Chapter 3

Spinning Your
Wheels and
to Ecstasy
In This Chapter
➤ Powerful breathing techniques for better sex
➤ The chakra wheels keep spinning: seven energy centers in the body
➤ Seeing love more clearly through the third eye
➤ Sounds that evoke bliss
➤ Symbols that evoke ecstasy
➤ The inner smile necessary for joy

You will explore many sacred practices in this book; I promise all will be fascinating
and fun. They will include using sights, sounds, and symbols in your journey to bliss.
I’ll tell you about these in this chapter.
However, all require one practice also presented in this chapter. It’s something that
you are doing at this very minute: breathing. Breathing properly and directing the
breath is essential to reach the deepest possible intimacy and highest possible states of

The Importance of Your Breath
Proper breathing supplies necessary oxygen to your cells and frees emotions and sensuality. It can lead to euphoria and even orgasm. The breath is key to lasting longer in
sex, having more intense orgasms, and feeling more intimate love. Sounds simple,

Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
doesn’t it? Hold on! There’s the problem: We hold our breath too much! How are you
breathing now? No doubt it’s shallow and barely expanding your chest. Shallow
breathing is not healthy!
Here are three simple practices I teach people that you can do now for bigger breath:
➤ The Source of Life Notice the place in your body from which your breath is
coming. Is it from your throat, chest, or stomach area? Make a deliberate effort
to make it come from deeper within your body. With each breath, trace the
breath and bring your hand to where it stops before you exhale. Lower your
hand and make the breath come from as low down as your genitals. That is key
to firing up your sex energy.
➤ Egg to Eagle This one is great to do if you’re sitting. Exhale as you crunch
down into a ball, bringing your elbows in close to your body and resting your
hands gently on the back of your head. Feel the stretch across and down your
back along your spine. Inhale, lifting up slowly, and stretch to bring your elbows
as far back behind you as you can. Feel the stretch in your chest, throw your
chest out, and arch your back. Feel all the air rushing into your lungs. Repeat.
➤ The Bellows The goal of this exercise is to take in as much air as possible by
imagining that your lungs are a bellows. Keep your arms comfortably by your
side. Blow all your air out forcefully, making a loud “whoosh” and then suck in
as much air as possible with as much noise. Continue, taking longer breaths and
making louder noises. Feel better already? (These are sounds you will eventually
emit during sexual experiences—freer sounds allow more intense sexual

Why We Don’t Breathe Correctly
The more air you get, the better your body, brain, and organs are fueled; the more relaxed you are; and the clearer your thinking is. The fact is that many factors inhibit
our breath. Are your clothes too tight? Don’t be vain—
my whole life changed for the better once I started
wearing looser clothes, elastic waistbands, and easierfitting clothes! Is your posture terrible? Do you slump,
like I do, over the computer?

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Don’t worry (like I used to) if
you yawn; that’s a good sign your
body is taking in more air!


Some causes of poor breathing are more difficult to
identify or change. Do you have a physical disorder?
Side effects from medications? Undiagnosed food allergies? (My life and breathing also changed for the better once I realized how creamy foods created phlegm
in my throat and inhibited my breathing—not good
for my work on the radio!)

Chapter 3 ➤ Spinning Your Wheels and Breathing to Ecstasy
Another fault lies in fear. Shallow air protects us with shallow feelings. Emotions can
come flooding out with intense breathing. For this result, many tantric workshops include emotional release exercises.

Tantra Tales
One patient of mine, Kim, protested that her boyfriend did not love her enough. But
when I asked her to take deep breaths and focus on her body sensations, she resisted.
Whenever she complied, floods of tears would fall, revealing her pain as a little girl desperately wanting love but deep down being afraid that if she received it, she would lose
it. So she kept the breath—and the love—at a distance. With encouragement and understanding, she was able to take deep breaths, allow the emotions, and feel more loved.

The Chakra Wheels
Energetics is the “in” word of the new millennium. It means focusing on energy.
Physicists agree that everything in our world is energy. Think of how we talk about
being drawn to someone “like a magnet,” or feel “electricity” in their presence—all
signs of energy.
According to tantric philosophy, energy centers
known as chakras go along an imaginary axis down
the core of our physical body from the bottom of
our pelvis to top of our head. These are not physical entities but subtle energy fields associated with
different qualities. If you could see them, they
would look like energy forces spinning in a wheel
out of seven different centers in your body. Being
familiar with these chakras is crucial to all the
practices you will learn in this book.
The second chakra, located in your genital area, is
the seat of the powerful force that I will keep referring to throughout this book because it is key to
all the practices that you will learn to control and
direct—through breath and other movements—to
bring you to deeper levels of intimacy and higher
levels of enlightenment and bliss.

Tantra Tutorial
Chakra is a Sanskrit word for
wheel, disc, or hub. Rather than
being physical entities or points,
they are best considered as centers or energy forces.


Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
Energy centers, or
chakras, and their

The following chakra chart shows the colors, sounds, and issues associated with each
energy center. The questions in the chart reveal whether you have strength or blocks
in that area. The idea is to focus on a particular chakra (area of your body) and recite
the sound associated with it, or think about the particular color, to connect with the
energy in that center.
Another approach in using this chart is to read the issues and questions and see
which ones are relevant to you (either that you feel good or bad about them). Then
focus on the chakra, color, and sound, in order to strengthen yourself regarding that
issue. For example, if you’re feeling stifled in expressing yourself (the fifth chakra),
put your hand on your throat, visualize the color blue, and repeat the sound “ham”
to give yourself more courage to speak up.

Chakra Chart Evaluation







(1) Base




(2) Sex




Do you feel
insecure, needy,
helpless? Or safe,
secure, grounded?
Do you feel
undesirable and
inhibited? Or sexy
and alive?

Chapter 3 ➤ Spinning Your Wheels and Breathing to Ecstasy






(3) Solar plexus




(4) Heart




(5) Throat




(6) Third eye




(7) Crown




Do you feel
weak, threatened,
powerless? Or
confident and
Do you feel unloved
and abandoned?
Or loving and
Do you feel
passive? Or
expressive and
Do you feel
confused? Or
inspired and
Do you feel spiritually void and
Or enlightened,
ecstatic, and

In another exercise, you can chant the sounds one by one (they are ancient Sanskrit
words) as a way to connect with each chakra, and therefore have an experience of
moving your energy through your body.

Breathe Through the Chakras
Your breathing practices help you create a clear channel in your body through which
air can travel past these chakras; cleansing, feeding, and fueling you. Air going
through a clear channel in your body is called an inner flute because of its sweet flutelike sound. You then can send your breath to your partner, who will cycle it through
his or her chakras and return it, fueling and empowering you both.
As you breathe, picture the breath going through the chakras. Try the following two


Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
➤ The complete breath relaxes you. Inhale deeply into your lower belly and chest
(until it pouches out like a contented Buddha). You can do this on your own or
with a partner; either face to face or back to back. Sadly, many people resist
doing this breath, feeling unattractive with their belly popping out, but it is a
good breath to do in the middle of sex. Say, “Let’s do the Buddha breath” and
press your bellies and chests against each other.
➤ In contrast, as its name suggests, the fire breath fires you up. Take continual
rapid breaths in and out of the nose (like snorting) causing your stomach to pulsate quickly. You can accelerate the energy even more by raising and lowering
your arms (a familiar motion if you exercise on a stationary bike).
Once you get your individual breathing going better, you are ready to breath with a
partner for more powerful love connections. One word of caution, however: Too
much energy in the brain before you are prepared to handle it can cause you to literally “blow your fuse,” like too many electrical appliances in an outlet. This results in
headaches, confusion, passing out, or even a panic attack. For this reason, it’s a good
idea to take a workshop about tantric sex if you are going to practice the techniques
➤ Synchronizing breath In this exercise you breathe in and out at the same
time as your partner to get on the same wavelength. Sit comfortably cross-legged
facing each other on a pillow if necessary, as long as your spine is straight. Give
each other a wink or touch to signal your pacing. After a while, close your eyes
to sense each other’s energy pattern.
➤ Reciprocal breath In this breath imagine that you are exchanging air, inhaling your partner’s breath (or imagine breathing for each other). Sit in the yab
yum position and inhale while your partner exhales; then exhale while your
partner inhales.
Reciprocal breath: exchanging energy between


Chapter 3 ➤ Spinning Your Wheels and Breathing to Ecstasy
➤ Circulating breath For this breath, inhale, imagining energy rising up from
your sex center (second chakra) through
your body (passing through all the
chakras, as listed in the previous table),
traveling to the top of your head, then
back down to your genitals and the base
of your spine on the exhale. Picture tracing a loop inside yourself and then out to
a partner. Practices can be called by different names by different disciplines. Thus,
the Hindu circulating breath is known to
Chinese Taoists as the Microcosmic Orbit
or the Golden Circle.

Tantra Tales
I’ve counseled many patients
who start crying when they really
look deeply in a loving partner’s
eyes and breathe. Don’t be
alarmed by this. The experience
can trigger deep feelings about
finally experiencing love you always wanted but never had.

Circulating breath: cycling
energy through beloveds’

➤ Bliss breath Inhale deeply through your mouth and exhale naturally and continuously, allowing any natural sounds. Smile.
➤ Ecstatic breathing To do this breath, lie on your back with your knees up and
inhale long, slow breaths through the mouth; counting to five, expanding the
abdomen, and creating an archway under the small of the back. Exhale to the


Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
count of five, bringing your back to the floor and tilting your pelvis slightly
upward. Allow the air to rush into the chest, opening your throat. Repeat
rhythmically to create a wave-like motion throughout the body. Release any
tightness in the throat, neck, chest, shoulders, abdomen, buttocks, or pelvis by
purposefully tightening and then releasing the muscles in those areas. Allow
sounds and feelings (sadness, anger, joy) to emerge freely on the exhale. This
technique has been developed by Lori Star in her California “Celebrations of
Love” courses (see Appendix B, “Workshops, Web Sites, Teachers, and Tantra

Tantra Tutorial
The cobra breath involves a particular pattern of breathing with
moves and imagery that are
powerful tools for mind expansion (invoking the shape of a
snake). To ensure that tantra students are prepared for its powerful effects, some traditions, like
Tantrika International, insist that
this breath be taught orally and
only by those given permission
to do so by experienced tantra

Ecstatic breathing.


➤ Partner pelvic passion breath I named this
breath that way because it really perks up your
passion by intensifying the energy created by
the circulating breath with the pelvic holds that
I will explain in Chapter 5, “Prep Your Body
Temple of Love.” An additional benefit results
from pressing your heart chakras together. Lie
side by side or sit face to face with the woman
in the man’s lap (yab yum position). Keep eye
contact while you inhale and exhale together to
a count of five, and draw the breath up from
the base of your spine to the top of the head,
and back down again. Create a cycle of breath
with one of you inhaling while the other exhales. Imagine sending love out to your partner
and receiving love from your partner with each
breath. Gently press your heart areas together.
You can amp up or damp down your arousal
by pumping your pelvic muscles (see Chapter 5,
for a full description of these) to force more
breath—and therefore more energy—into your

Chapter 3 ➤ Spinning Your Wheels and Breathing to Ecstasy

The Third Eye as Window to the Soul
No doubt you have heard the phrase “The eyes are the window to the soul.” In
tantra, the most effective door to your soul is not your real eyes, but that symbolic
eye called the third eye (actually, it’s behind your
eyes, in the middle of your brain). Opening your
third eye helps you delve deeper into your own
being and connect on a higher level with your
loved one. (Fortunately, more men these days seem
to want the intimacy that women have always
craved; that kind of connection is possible only
when both people really want it to happen.) I
Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
often find myself putting my middle finger on that
To help you with different
spot on my forehead to connect with the third eye
breathing patterns, play a CD to
deeper within, imagining breathing into it when I
pace yourself. Excellent choices
want to tap into deep relaxation and inner
are any of Gabrielle Roth’s CDs,

Making All the Connections
from Coccyx to Crown
Your energy needs to flow in a clear channel, with
the major checkpoints being the chakra energy
centers. At one end is the base of the spine, at the
coccyx bone. Just above it is a triangular area called
the sacrum (you will later learn to tap it for energy). Also in this area is the kunda gland, the
source of the powerful kundalini energy (or life
force). You can see where these are in the body on
the following illustration, and also in the anatomical drawings in other chapters.
The breath carries energy up the spine and into
the brain. In various breathing patterns the breath
goes past the primitive brain (medulla oblongata)
and then you direct it to connect the vital pineal
and pituitary glands. Through this connection, god
and goddess (Shiva and Shakti) energy can meet in
the magical place in between, called “the jewel in
the lotus.”

the CD called “Tantric Sexuality,”
and Osho’s “Dynamic Meditation” CD (see Appendix C,
“Tantric Tools,” for more

Tantra Tutorial
One of the best books about
harnessing sacred sex energy for
the purpose of enlightenment is
Jewel in the Lotus by Sunyata
Saraswati and Bodhi Avinasha
(Sunstar Publishers, 1996).

The most effective breathing practice using the chakras is to imagine energy going
through them in order, from top to bottom or vice versa; drawing breath up from the
base (or earth) and to the top of your head (the sky)—or the opposite way, down
from the top of your head to the base.


Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
The breath needs to follow a clear channel up
the spine and into the

Your Inner Smile
Smiling is a powerful tool for happiness and bliss. It boosts your confidence and
makes you and everyone around you happier. Research has even proven that smiling
triggers the limbic system in the brain, which is the center for pleasure.
You know about the smile that is visible on your face, but there’s another smile
tantric practice teaches about. It’s called the inner smile. You imagine it happening in
the back of your brain, at the nape of your neck, in the primitive brain. Picturing it
creates not only a positive attitude, but helps you reach the desired state of bliss that
tantra is all about. Put your best smile on your face and imagine an equally broad
inner smile when you look at your partner and at yourself in the mirror. This will
boost your self-esteem and create good energy in your inner and outer world.


Chapter 3 ➤ Spinning Your Wheels and Breathing to Ecstasy
Try this exercise. Allow yourself to have any facial expression, even a scowl. Now purposefully put on an outer and inner smile and notice how your energy shifts. Make
this inner smile during any of the exercises described throughout this book.

Be Both Participant and Observer
Key to stilling the mind for tantric sex (as well as many other meditative practices) is
being in a mental state in which you are simultaneously participant and observer.
This means that you are “doing” at the same time as observing yourself while you are
acting. When you watch yourself act, it is called being the witness. This is a technique
that helps you get over a common problem that interferes with good sex. So many
men and women complain about distracting thoughts that cause sexual performance
anxiety; for example, “How long can I last?” “Will I please her?” “Does he think I’m
attractive?” To solve this problem, in tantra, you notice (witness) yourself having
these thoughts (instead of fighting them as many people do, which only makes them
more persistent!), and then simply refocus your attention on your breath and the sensations in your body.

Mantras are spoken or silent sounds, or a series of sounds that trigger specific reactions in the body and mind because their vibrations correspond to specific chakras.
Repeat any sound and notice its hypnotic effect.
Try drawing out the sound “om” and feel the vibration move from your body up into your head.
The sound helps you focus your mind and move
energy where you want it in your body. You probably already know how sound can affect you (and
send you into other realms) when you listen to
your favorite music and feel sensations in your
Tantra Tutorial
body, or feel like you are carried into another
The commonly used Sanskrit
world. Using sound in mantras allows you to conchant, “Om Mane Padme Hum,”
trol what you feel and where your mind goes.
Mantra sounds are usually short and repetitive (to
help quiet the mind) and range from a single word
(“om”), a line (“Om Mane Padme Hum”) or a verse
(such as the Lord’s Prayer). You can recite a known
mantra or make up your own. Any word or phrase
that you enjoy saying will work fine.

A yantra is a geometric figure that you concentrate
on to still your mind and be stimulated by the

is the oldest and most famous
Buddhist mantra, written on
prayer flags and chanted thousands of times by Tibetan and
Nepali people as well as tantra
practitioners. It expresses the
idea of enlightenment through
union of male and female.
Chant it for five minutes alone
or with your partner to create a
peaceful and delighted space.


Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
particular state that the symbols are meant to evoke in you. The idea is to focus on the
figure and then close your eyes, letting it be projected on your inner mental screen.
There are symbols related to each of the seven different chakras. These yantras are used
like mantras, to focus your energy on a particular issue related to that energy center.
The six-point Star of David is another popular yantra, which I will talk more about in
Chapter 9, “Breaking Through Blocks to Bliss.”

Mandalas, a kind of yantra, are patterns with concentric rings that come out from the
center and contain symbols, figures, or forces of nature (like deities, waterfalls, or dolphins) that reveal mysteries of the universe. Psychoanalyst Carl Jung is credited with
introducing mandalas into the West, using them as a therapy technique and map of
the psyche to “uncover the mystery of the unconscious and the soul.”
California artist Paul Heussenstamm, a master of painting mandalas (see the following
illustration), often depicts patterns that evoke tantric sex imagery in the union of god
and goddess surrounded in exquisite nature. Heussenstamm makes custom mandalas
and teaches classes on how to make this art, in California and on journeys to countries like India and Nepal. “You don’t have to think of yourself as an artist,” he says.
“Just close your eyes and notice the lights and colors that appear in the visual field.
People draw what their mind has conjured up, and it gives you clues as to what’s really in your soul.” (See Appendix B for contact information.)
An original mandala
by artist Paul


Chapter 3 ➤ Spinning Your Wheels and Breathing to Ecstasy

The Least You Need to Know
➤ Breathing practices are key to directing sexual energy to other parts of the
body to connect with the beloved, maintain health, achieve ecstatic states,
and melt into unity.

➤ There are seven energy centers called chakras throughout the body, each associated with colors, sounds, and issues. Tantric practices help you connect and
use the energy in these centers to achieve desired feelings and connections in
yourself and in a relationship.

➤ Practicing breathing exercises with a partner can greatly intensify your love
connection and achievement of mutual sexual satisfaction.

➤ Quieting the mind and directing energy is key to reaching high states of consciousness in tantric sex and can be accomplished through meditation on
sounds and designs.


Chapter 4

Awaken and
Worship the God
and Goddess
in You

In This Chapter
➤ The role of god and goddess energies in tantric sex
➤ Significant deities from varying traditions, cultures, and eras
➤ How to connect with divine forces within you
➤ How to use deity meditations
➤ Uniting your god and goddess as beloveds
➤ Festivals and temples that honor god and goddess energies

Tantra is a path to God—the feeling of divine blessing and presence in every aspect of
your life, including sex. This connection with the divine is achieved by ecstatic union
with a beloved as you both experience your own—and each other’s—divinity. In
tantra, every man and woman is a god or goddess. That means you are a divine being
just as you are, with wisdom and abilities that need only to be recognized and released. Honoring yourself—and being honored—in this way gives us the self-esteem
we all need but often feel lacking. Once you see the divinity within yourself, you can
see the divinity in others.
This chapter helps you connect with the essence of the god and goddess in yourself
and your partner because it is so important to your practice of sacred sex and to your
goal of enlightenment. I will introduce you to different gods and goddesses related to
tantric practice, and techniques of using their divine energies on your journey.

Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love

What Is “God/Goddess”?
In tantra the terms god and goddess refer to treating yourself and others with the
respect and honor you would extend such revered beings. Through this honoring
in tantric sex practices, your divine consciousness will embody the power of the
Deities in tantric practice are essentially archetypes of spirits, guides, angels, and light
beings that are symbols of various energies, qualities, or relationships. Other terms for
male and female deities are deva and devi, daka and dakini, priest and priestess.
Although deities are portrayed as external beings, they can be considered projections
of qualities within our own nature.
The word “goddess” is widely used in the tantra community but has become more
mainstream lately, used to refer to a woman who is proud of and in touch with her
power as a feminine force. The goddess embodies a range of qualities of a woman,
from being soft and nurturing to being strong and fierce. The term “god” is not used
as popularly, possibly partly due to the reverence in Judeo-Christian tradition for
“God” as a superior being.
Some traditions promise that you can be gods or goddesses in another life, or only by
changing in some way to become more divine. Tantric sex poses that being god or
goddess is your birthright. You are divine now, without change.

Blocks to Bliss
Even if you are skeptical, deities
and spirits might be helping,
supporting, and guiding you.
Suspend disbelief for the
moment to notice how these
energies might help heighten
your experience of love and
blissful sex.

Being a god or goddess refers to your energy, creative
force, and cosmic power. Every woman is a goddess.
That means she is the embodiment of all that is feminine to be honored and worshipped. She is a lover, seductress, healer, and nurturing mother, as well as a
hunter and wild woman. She must reveal and embrace
all these parts of herself and be similarly honored.
Similarly, every man is a god, the embodiment of
many roles, including being a provider, protector, and
a symbol of power; as well as being nurturing, healing,
and surrendering. He must embrace and be honored
for all these parts. These qualities are present in all
people, regardless of age, race, culture, status, or any
characteristic. We either display these qualities or they
are available as potentials.

Integrate All Your Roles
As a start on your path to embracing god/goddess within you, think of all the roles
you play in your life and how you feel about yourself. Are you a parent? An entrepreneur? Are you feeling nurturing? Sexy? Powerful? Introspective? Review your qualities


Chapter 4 ➤ Awaken and Worship the God and Goddess in You
in your mind or write them down. I often have participants in my workshops make a
collage of their roles (as shown in the following illustration, for example), with themselves in the middle surrounded by symbols or photos or written words for their feelings.
After you read about the gods and goddesses in this chapter, go back over your list
and write in the names of deities you most relate to. For example, if you wrote
“sexy,” write in Ishtar; if you feel “powerful,” write in Shiva.
Integrating the goddess

Seeing Beyond the Superficial
You know the experience of judging others or being judged, by looks, job, or stock
portfolio. Likely you know the pain of statements such as “She’s too fat” or “I need a
guy who has more money.” Your body or bank account becomes your eligibility quotient in the wide world of dating and mating. But in the tantra world, there are no
such criteria; you are encouraged to see beyond superficial characteristics into the
divinity of each being.
Three essential steps in worshipping the divine according to the tantra tradition
are …
1. Embrace the divinity within yourself.
2. Acknowledge divinity in your partner. Tantric sex emphasizes the equality of
both male and female deities to achieve necessary balance of energies.
3. Unite god and goddess in the union of you and your beloved. This achieves the
perfect balance of male and female energy necessary to achieve bliss and higher


Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love

The Importance of Worshipping Each Other
Through my years of work as a therapist, I know how happy people become when
they are acknowledged. Do you know what it feels like to be truly appreciated? To be
really noticed? To be deeply known as when someone “gets” who you are? Tantric sex
takes acknowledgment one step further: to being worshipped! Worship doesn’t mean
blind obsession; it means loving unconditionally and limitlessly. Nor does it mean
having power over someone who is your slave; it means serving each other equally
from the highest state of personal power and mutual respect.
Think of all the compliments you would like to hear about yourself, and wonderful
things you could say about your beloved. That’s what it means in tantra to be worshipped like a god or goddess.

Clearing Up Confusion About Gods
and Goddesses
All deities are involved with life and death. However, understanding their roles can be
confusing because some have hundreds of incarnations or manifestations, which represent different aspects and therefore have different names. I remember being very confused by the most dramatic example of these—the Hindu Lord Shiva, who is also
called Brahma and Vishnu, and who has more than a thousand different manifestations ranging from his Protector form to his more evil form called Bairab. Similarly,
the power of the goddess Kali can be seen in her “light” form as powerful but also in
her “shadow” aspect as manipulative and controlling. The goal is to accept and merge
these aspects within yourself.
These qualities can be those you like or dislike, want to emulate or discard. As you
read about them in this chapter, see which resonate with you. Do the exercises later
in this chapter to understand their role in yourself and your relationships.

Getting to Know the Ancient Goddesses
Male and female divine figures can come from ancient cultures such as the Sumerian,
Teutonic, Egyptian, Greek, and Roman. They can also come from modern times. Let’s
take a closer look at some of the gods and goddesses from around the world, starting
with the goddesses.

Major and Well-Known Goddesses
Most goddesses represent fertility. Goddesses are loving and nurturing in their light
manifestations; however, they also are portrayed as seductresses engaging in ritual
prostitution. As you read through this list of goddesses from various cultures, circle
names you find yourself drawn to:


Chapter 4 ➤ Awaken and Worship the God and Goddess in You
➤ Lilith A Near Eastern goddess portrayed in many legends as an independent
woman refusing to be dominated by men (and therefore named for a music festival a few years ago that celebrated female artists). In one myth she is the first
woman in paradise, but she did not submit to Adam as did Eve. In ancient
Sumerian lore, she gained a reputation as a seductress and harlot, using her secrets of sexual techniques to lure men to the temples of Inanna, Ishtar, and
Astarte to worship her, hail infidelity, and participate in tantric sexual rites.
➤ Ishtar The “Exalted Light of Heaven,” with her sweet lips and beautiful body,
is known for her eroticism and sexuality but also depicted as the goddess of battle, carrying a bow and sword and riding on a lioness. Deriving from ancient
Sumeria as Inanna, and later appearing in the Babylonian era as well as in
Egypt, she is symbolized by the evening star and revered for her prophecy, leadership, and healing of the sick. In annual rites, this high Priestess unites with
the king in sacred marriage.
Ishtar, the great goddess
of eroticism.

➤ Aphrodite The most popular goddess from Greek tradition is associated with
love, desire, ultimate sexuality, and ecstasy, and is often symbolized by a dove,
dolphin, rose, apple, or even an opium poppy. She is also popularly known as
Venus, famous Roman goddess of love, known for purity, and supposedly invented by the Romans to turn the citizens toward chastity.


Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
➤ Artemis In Greek mythology, she is the virgin goddess of the hunt and the
moon. She is the female counterpart to Ares, the god of war.
➤ Guan-Yin This is the great Chinese goddess of compassion, whose statue is
sold everywhere in China. I’ve been moved after seeing one of her tallest statues
on Puduo Mountain, the site of three of her most revered temples; another
statue of her is planned to be placed in the water at China’s most expansive
Buddhist gardens on the island of Hainan, meant to evoke the impressive welcome of our own Statue of Liberty.
Guan-Yin, Chinese goddess of compassion.

➤ The Virgin Mary

She is the ultimate Christian symbol of purity and

➤ Hindu goddesses Various goddesses are of great importance in India and
Nepal. I have witnessed ceremonies and seen temples to many of them, and also
have many small statues that I keep in my home and even carry in my pocketbook. They include …
➤ Durga, the mother of goddesses.
➤ Tara, a goddess representing kindness and wisdom.
➤ Lakshmi, the goddess of abundance, wealth, happiness, and prosperity.


Chapter 4 ➤ Awaken and Worship the God and Goddess in You
➤ Saraswati, goddess of the arts.
➤ Kali, the goddess of power and strength. I have witnessed many sacrifices
at her shrine outside Kathmandu, Nepal, where goats and chickens are
slaughtered and their blood offered to her statues, as a request for her
Kali, Hindu goddess
of power.

Other Goddesses Around the World
Almost every culture has goddesses that might be
equivalent to deities from other cultures and eras.
Even if your own background differs, you might
identify with these entities (especially if you believe in past lives when you may have lived in
those times and places). Here are several countries
and some of the goddesses associated with them:
➤ Japan The goddess Benzai Tennyo is associated with sexuality and fertility, but also with
granting good fortune and with the art of
music (similar to the Hindu goddess
➤ Mexico Tlazolteotl is the Aztec goddess of
love and sexuality whose worship included
prostitution. In her dark side, she is associated with death and human sacrifice.

Tantra Tales
Some women today rename
themselves with Sanskrit names
of goddesses, such as Lakshmi,
Kamala, and Usha. Or they may
refer to a goddess to describe
their own behavior. For example,
one tantra friend of mine talks
about her expressions of anger or
confrontations with other people
by saying, “My Kali came out!”


Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
➤ Ireland Maeve is considered a magical goddess
of Ireland. On one hand she is associated with
wanton sexuality, but on the other she is a warrior who uses her sexuality to win battles.

Tantra Tutorial
Greek goddess prototypes, such
as Demeter as mother and
Artemis as the warrior, are described in Agapi Stassinopolous’s
book, Conversations with the
Goddess: Revealing the Divine
Power Within You (Stewart, Tabori
& Chang, 1999).

➤ Scotland Riannon, a Welsh goddess often depicted mounted on a white horse or who transforms into a white mare for a marriage
ceremony. In mythology, she was chased by a
Prince who could not catch her until he asked
her permission—a story evoking the importance
of a man’s surrender to the goddess (a key
tantric sex principle).
➤ Africa Mboze is the goddess of the Woyo people; she represents fertility through rainfall.
Odude is a Northwest African goddess, whose
name means “the black one” and who is often
imaged as a serpent, evoking the tantric kundalini energy rising.

➤ Israel The Hebrew goddess Shekinah, whose name means “creative force,” is
equivalent to the Hindu “Shakti,” and is meant to establish balance. Ruth is a
real woman revered to have saved her people in ancient times, and thus can be
considered a goddess.
➤ Egypt Qadesh is the goddess of love and sex from the Akkadian and
Babylonian empires often depicted as a ruler of fertility in the animal world; her
worshippers also practiced prostitution.
➤ United States Mother Maui is the goddess of the New Age movement; Gaia is
the goddess of the Earth; and Pele is the goddess of fire, often depicted as arising
from a volcano. (Having spent much time on the island of Maui in Hawaii, I
know firsthand the powerful goddess energy there, and recommend you go
there to experience it, too.)
➤ Thailand Tap-tun is celebrated in Thailand (and as Chao Mae Tuptim in
China) with offerings of hundreds of symbols of lingams (male sexual organs).
➤ Haiti The Voodoo goddess Erzuli, also called Empusae, is known as a sexual
vampire, sucking out men’s strength by seducing them while they sleep and inducing erotic dreams or ejaculation. She is worshipped in modern times with
champagne and perfume.
➤ Middle East The Islamic goddess Al’Lat (also called Hecate) is the feminine
form of Allah and similar to the Hindu Lord Shiva in that calling her is like saying “the Lord” or simply “God.” She symbolizes three aspects of the moon: the


Chapter 4 ➤ Awaken and Worship the God and Goddess in You
virgin, the mother, and the aging wise woman. Her reign ended when her shrine
was taken over by the prophet Mohammed, signaling the change from matriarchy to patriarchy.
➤ Near East Cybele is reputed to perform both fertility and castration rites.
Archeological finds dating back to 6000 B.C. prove her early worship, usually in
the form of a black stone.
Remember to circle the goddesses whose energies you connect with. For example, I
connect with Guan Yin because I spend so much time in China; all the goddesses in
Nepal; the Greek goddess of the hunt, Artemis, which was the name of the women’s
rock band I played in; and the Welsh goddess Riannon, the subject of a Fleetwood
Mac song I sang while in the band.

Gods from Different Cultures
Like goddesses, gods come from every culture, tradition, and era. Despite their association to a particular religion, many gods similarly represent a higher power, such as
Jesus in Christianity, Allah in Islam, Buddha in Buddhism, or the Hindu Lord Shiva.
See which ones you relate to:
➤ Hindu gods These include the most important, Lord Shiva; also known as Vishnu, god
of all gods, with more than a thousand manifestations, including his dark side as Bairab.
He is worshipped in the form of the Shiva
lingam (a phallus) in temples throughout
India and Nepal. As I mentioned in Chapter 2, “The Basics: Yes, Yin Yang, Yoni, and
Yab Yum,” Shiva’s consort is Shakti (the female force); together they are a union of energy and enlightenment.
Another popular Hindu god is the oft-beloved
Ganesh, known for his kindness and removal
of obstacles, and well recognized as a boyishlooking figure with a human body and an
elephant head.
➤ Jesus This is the Son of God and savior of
the Christian people, who performed the ultimate self-sacrifice to deliver others from their

Blocks to Bliss
Some beings are considered to
have given tantric sex a bad reputation. Aghora is a rebellious
manifestation of the Hindu god
Shiva, famous for orgies and cruelties, such that his devotees
have sex in cemeteries. Bhogi
supposedly volunteered as a
human sacrifice to achieve sacred
status; his dying wish was to have
sex with many women.

➤ Greek gods As in the case of goddesses, there are many Greek gods, all of
whom have equivalents in Roman culture. The highest god among all other


Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
Greek deities, Zeus is symbolic of power and domination. He is the archetype for
the macho, alpha male. Other Greek gods include …
➤ Eros Called the god of love in Greek and Cupid in Roman, Eros evokes a
familiar image as a cherub who mischievously aims arrows at people’s
hearts to make them fall in love. He also has been depicted as androgynous
(not clearly male or female).
➤ Dionysus Called the god of lust in Greek times and Bacchus in Roman
days, Dionysus symbolizes overindulgence of wine, women, and song, and
is known for wanton feasts and drunken orgies.
➤ Priapus A Greek phallic god and son of Aphrodite and Dionysus, Priapus
is known for his unusually huge erection; therefore symbolizing men’s sexual potency (the word now refers to an erection that lasts too long!). In
cases of impotence, venereal diseases, or other sexual problems, paintings
or figures of private parts were offered to this god with prayers for healing.
Virgins would also deflower themselves on his erect lingam. Many gods
from other cultures are similar to him, such as the Roman Tutinus, the
Egyptian Min, the Teutonic Frey, and the Japanese Sarutahiko.
➤ Satyr Related to Pan and Eros, Satyr is well recognized as the half-man,
half-goat mythical creature who symbolizes unrestrained male passion and
the pursuit of erotic adventures.
The unrestrained male
passion in Satyr.

➤ Hercules Endowed with great strength and cunning, this Greek hero of
classical myth is most often portrayed as a slayer of monsters and beasts.
➤ Apollo One of the greatest and best known Greek deities, Apollo is called
Mars by the Romans, and is pictured as a handsome young man. He is god


Chapter 4 ➤ Awaken and Worship the God and Goddess in You
of the sun, music, poetry, medicine, and fine arts. We know his name well
as the series of manned spacecraft, one of which landed on the Moon,
marking one of the greatest achievements of our time.
➤ Ares The Greek god of war, he is equivalent to the energy of the female
warrior, Artemis.
➤ Egyptian gods Ra is the god of the Sun, and another god, Osiris, is infamous
in stories of dismemberment, incest, and adultery.
➤ Japanese gods These include Musuri-Kami, a Shinto deity honored at annual
fertility festivals where hundreds of people march through the streets toting
huge phalluses made of stone or wood.

Modern-Day God/Goddess Icons
Modern-day figures (alive or dead) also serve as cultural icons of gods or goddesses,
usually because of their media exposure. Some believers think that the spirits of ancient figures are channeled through these people. Modern goddesses might include
Marilyn Monroe and Madonna (the rock star) as sex goddesses, Mother Teresa as the
Chinese goddess of compassion Guan-Yin, or even Barbara Bush as the strong mother
energy of the Hindu goddess Durga. Modern-day sex gods might include Sean
Connery or John F. Kennedy Jr.
In the following exercise, write down a few modern-day figures you think embody energies you either like or want:
Your Modern-Day Diety Exercise
Name of Person:

Qualities This Person Evokes in You:

Gods and Their Goddess Counterparts
Tantra is a partnered as well as a personal practice, as is evidenced by tantric gods and
goddesses depicted with partners, called consorts. Entwined in embrace, they project
the male/female balance that is central to tantric practice. Think of some famous
people—deities, heroes and heroines, or historical figures—who are linked together.
What feelings do they evoke in you? How are those reactions related to your own relationships in life? Make your list, adding to some of the examples I give you here.
Have your partner do this exercise, too, then discuss your choices.


Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
Couple’s Energy Exercise
Name of Couple:

Qualities This Couple Evokes in You:

Shiva and Shakti

Ultimate ecstasy, perfect balance

Samson and Delilah

Women turned on to men’s displays
of power and strength

Romeo and Juliet

Tragedy, love thwarted by disapproval

Lancelot and Genevieve

Passion fallen by infidelity

Edward of England
and Wallis Simpson

Love so deep that he would give up the

Elizabeth Taylor and
Richard Burton

Passionate love that can’t sustain
itself; can’t live with or without
the person


The Essence of the God/Goddesses Within You
As I’ve mentioned, certain gods and goddess and their essences will resonate with
you, giving you insight into how you are or how you want to be. Review the list of
deities, especially those whose names you circled, and consider whether you are like
them or want to be like them. Don’t be concerned with the details of their stories; because tantra is the transmission of energy, it is only important if you feel their energy.
In the following exercise, write down the names of the deities whose names you circled. Notice how you feel when you read each name; if you feel drawn to that deity
in a positive way (excited, energized, happy), place a checkmark in the Positive column. If you feel something negative in your body (tightness, pain, pressure), you
might have a negative charge on the qualities he or she embodies; place a checkmark
in the Negative column.
Ask yourself, “What am I trying to avoid?” For example, because Kali is the goddess of
power, some women might feel attracted to her to express more assertiveness in their
life; others might be frightened by that energy. Don’t judge what you feel, just notice
it. Don’t worry whether the deity’s sex matches yours. Remember that according to
tantra you have both male and female essence within you, and must embody both.
Have your partner do this exercise, too. Discuss the energies stimulated in each of
you, as a way to learn more about yourselves, each other, and your relationship.


Chapter 4 ➤ Awaken and Worship the God and Goddess in You
Your Reaction to the Deities’ Energy

















Using Deities in Your Sex Practice
The gods and goddesses can add great power to your tantric practices. In Chapter 16,
“Advanced Tantric Lovemaking Techniques,” I’ll discuss more advanced ways to draw
from their energy.
You can buy a form of the deity as a statue, photograph, mandala, or thangka. Ask at local yoga centers or check your local Yellow Pages for stores
specializing in Eastern artifacts, or check the stores
within Web sites listed in Appendix B, “Workshops, Web Sites, Teachers, and Tantra Communities.”

Festivals and Other
God/Goddess Gatherings
All kinds of celebrations honoring deities have existed in every age. The following are some that relate to tantric principles.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Visualization using pure light,
described here to identify with
qualities of a deity, has also
proven effective in other situations. For example, some cancer
patients who have been taught
to imagine healing light through
their bodies have been shown to
produce fewer cancer cells.

Fertility Festivals in Japan
Each spring hundreds of worshippers parade through the streets of small towns, carrying effigies of the phallus through the streets, chanting testimonies to its power and
potency. Legend has it that every time a princess laid down with a mate, he woke up
the next morning with his penis bitten off. A suitor who was a smithy proved his
worth and finally cured the princess by forging a steel phallus that was inserted into
her vagina, whereupon steel teeth lodged inside her vagina gripped the rod and were
extracted; his prize being her hand in marriage. Local worshippers and hundreds of
tourist onlookers (like myself!) attend the charming circus-like parade that has more
recently been turned into a street fair (selling phallus-shaped candy) and distributing
educational materials about AIDS prevention.


Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love
In this annual fertility
festival in Japan, worshippers carry effigies of the
phallus through the

Burning Man Festival in Nevada
Although it’s dusty and 107 degrees, thousands of free spirits journey to the annual
Burning Man festival at the end of summer for the week-long experiment in temporary community dedicated to radical self-expression. Participants set up villages and
theme camps (like Fertility, Outer Space, and The Seven Ages) in a psychedelic maze
of art installations (like the “Boom Boom Womb” or “Impotence Compensation
Project”) and rest stops. The scene is unique, but some recall their days at Woodstock,
sharing food, art, music, and love.
Many tantric devotees come to Burning Man each year because of its kindred spirit to
tantric energy, creativity, lovingness and sense of community. A favorite attraction in
past years has been the Temple of Ishtar (, a magical community dedicated to raising awareness, educating, expanding and healing sacred sexuality, sensuality, and relationships.

Goddess Gatherings
During the women’s movement of the 1970s, women formed “consciousness raising
groups,” meeting in homes and talking about men, sex, and how to have orgasms.
Similar gatherings of today often are called goddess groups, in which women come
together to share their stories, support each other in careers or relationships, and connect with their priestess energies. Often they perform ritualistic ceremonies, lighting
candles, invoking feminine spirits, forming drum circles, declaring intentions, and
celebrating femininity.
These can be held on a private, small scale with selected invited friends, or they can
be large gatherings such as the “Goddess Gather,” an annual weekend of workshops
and rituals for women to connect with their feminine spirit, held at a nature farm in
California. (For more information, e-mail


Chapter 4 ➤ Awaken and Worship the God and Goddess in You

A tantric temple is a place where tantric rituals take place. There are several varieties
of such temples. In ancient cultures, women were considered priestesses and goddesses because they were the holy creators of life, thought to be sent to Earth from
heaven with secret powers as healers. Girls were brought to buildings, called temples,
before puberty and taught by older women all the secrets of using sexual energy to
heal; and the sacred arts of sex, including love, lust, rituals, magic, and spiritual practice. These temple goddesses also taught younger men how to reach realms of bliss
through the pleasures of the female body, rejuvenated older men by practicing their
skills of lovemaking with them, and healed warriors with sacred waters. Some
tantrikas today form collectives for similar purposes.
The town of Khajuraho, south of New Delhi in India, was the heart of medieval
tantrism. The ancient temples here are renowned for their erotic sculptures. Figures in
a seemingly infinite variety of combinations and positions adorn the edifices from
the base to the top. The reliefs at ascending levels become more refined, as a symbol
of the ascension to higher states of consciousness. Many were destroyed in wars, but a
large number remain. I can assure you—because I’ve done it—that visiting them is an
awesome and educational experience.
An erotic scene from the
temple at Khajuraho.


Part 1 ➤ An Introduction to Tantric Sex: The Spiritual Path to Sacred Love

The Least You Need to Know
➤ Every man and woman is a god or goddess. Consider yourself as having the
qualities of divine beings, to embrace the highest level of self-esteem and to
confront powerful characteristics you consider positive or negative.

➤ Gods and goddesses that you may relate to come from every era and culture.
➤ Think of lovemaking as a divine act that expresses the sacred union of you and
your partner as enlightened beings (god and goddess).

➤ Visiting sacred temples and festivals can inspire you to embrace the divinity
within you.


Part 2

Getting Started in Sacred Sex
Now that you’re breathing right and sending powerful surges of sexual energy through
your body and out to your partner, you’re ready to start using that energy. When you
can turn up the heat or calm it down at will, you’re more in control and therefore
more ready to lose control—into bliss.
In this part you’ll learn specific practices to amp up your sexual energy—or to bring
it down a few notches—at will to prepare you for long-lasting lovemaking. You’ll discover how to look at love through totally new eyes and learn techniques that will take
you further into sensuality than you ever thought possible. Discover the secrets of the
sacrum tap, the Shakti shake, the heart hold, and the muscle locks that unlock your
door to sexual pleasure. You’ll learn how to break through any blocks you have to embracing bliss, opening the door to a whole new world by setting your stage for love—
preparing your room, your mind, and your body as a temple of love.

Chapter 5

Prep Your Body
Temple of Love

In This Chapter
➤ Getting to know and learning to love your body
➤ The two colors of tantra
➤ How white tantra helps your tantric sex life
➤ Inner muscle holds that give you better control in sex
➤ How to keep your spine healthy and straight
➤ Eating right the tantric way

Tantric practice asserts that your body is your temple. You must keep it healthy and fit
for your journey to bliss. In this chapter I’ll introduce you to some principles and routines that help you honor this temple.
I’ll also share with you some ways to tone your body to facilitate the important practices that you are undertaking to heighten, channel, and control your sexual energy to
reach a higher consciousness.

Your Body as the Bridge to Bliss
When studying tantra, be prepared to experience a thrilling ride: energy soaring up
and down your spine, and electrifying every cell in your body from your toes to the
top of your head. Your entire body becomes the bridge between the earthly and the
spiritual on your road to bliss.

Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex
Consider the metaphor of you as a car. This requires remembering about the chakras,
or energy centers I described in Chapter 3, “Spinning Your Wheels and Breathing to
Ecstasy.” Your sex center is your gas tank; your chassis and tires are the first chakra, or
base center, helping you hug the road (remember, the first chakra’s job is to ground
you). Your breath mixes with your sexual energy (as air does with gas in a car) to
serve as the fuel injected through your spine (your gas line). The muscle holds (bandhas) described later in this chapter are your spark plugs. Every system in your car
(ignition, battery, exhaust, electrical), like every system in your body (circulatory,
endocrine, nervous), has to be working for you to cruise down the highway
effortlessly—or to gun the motor and speed ahead.
All too often we are not even aware of the body temple we live in. We take it for
granted—usually until we have some breakdown (pain), or look in the mirror and get
distressed about what we see. Worse, we’ve abused our body temples with toxic food,
lack of sleep (I’m guilty of this one!), overeating, drugs, alcohol, and even sex that
we’ve regretted afterward. Another abuse is self-criticism—but to be ready for tantric
love you must turn body hate into body love.

Building Body Love: Through the Looking Glass
A fundamental part of every sex therapy seminar or workshop (I have taught a vast
variety of them over the last 25 years!) involves looking at your body and changing
any negative attitudes. Often called “homework,” I prefer to refer to such exercises as
“homeplay,” since everything you do to increase pleasure should be play and fun,
rather than work. Do this exercise for your whole body and private parts:
1. Stand naked in front of a full-length mirror (a good time to do this is after a
bath). Look at every part of you, starting from your feet and moving slowly up
to the top of your head (as in Chapter 3, when you moved your energy through
the energy centers). If you catch yourself criticizing, stop and say something
kind instead; for example, “My breasts are too small” becomes “My breasts are
nice and firm”; “My thighs are too bulky” becomes “My legs are so strong.”
Don’t obsess that you are not telling the truth; you are simply shifting your
focus and being gentler with yourself.
2. Examine your genitals. Women can sit on the bed and use a hand mirror (and
flashlight) because the female genitals are less obvious than men’s. Open the lips
and notice colors, moistness, shapes.
3. Examine your first chakra (your base center located around your anal area, the
symbol of security). An easier position to do this for men and women is to
squat. As in the genital exam for women, men can use a mirror and flashlight to
see more clearly. Notice colors and skin texture.


Chapter 5 ➤ Prep Your Body Temple of Love
Examining, and loving,
your body temple.

Describe Your Sexual Parts Inside and Out
Most men have looked at their genitals, because they’re so accessible every time they
go to the bathroom. In contrast, women have been taught not to look—and even
today most females are shy or unsure of what’s
“down there.”
I am always surprised at how little even sophisticated men and women know about their sexual
parts. I remember not knowing much when I was
young—my mother just gave me books to read,
and my confusion lasted until I was well into my
20s. Compare your descriptions of your body to
the following figures, which show the major parts
of the male and female genitalia.
Both men and women should note the following:
➤ There are actually sets of muscles in the
pelvic area, including those around the genitals and around the anal openings, that play
an important role in sexual toning and excitement. These are affectionately called the
love muscles; I’ll tell you more about them a
little later in this chapter.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Women have rarely seen inside
their vagina at the view their gynecologist sees. You can get a
plastic speculum (the instrument
the doctor uses for your examination) from a reputable outlet
like Eve’s Garden (see Appendix C, “Tantric Tools”). Carefully
insert it inside your vagina, creating an opening. Position a mirror
and flashlight so you can see.


Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex
➤ The sacrum is actually a triangular area above the tailbone which, when tapped,
awakens energy, as I’ll describe in Chapter 8, “Practices for Beloveds to Reach
➤ The kundalini gland is the seat of blissful energy that lies dormant within the
spine until activated by tantric practices. It is often depicted artistically like a
coiled serpent.
A closer look at the female anatomy shows …
➤ The clitoris is more than the bump, knob, or tip that you feel. It actually has a
shaft that extends into the body, which is also pleasurable to stimulate.
➤ The urethral opening is in front of, and separate from, the vaginal opening.
➤ There is a sponge-like tissue surrounding the urethra (called the “urethral
sponge,” consisting of glands, ducts, and blood vessels) that produces fluids
emitted through the urethra during high states of arousal. These “love juices,”
also called female ejaculate, can be triggered from stimulation inside the vagina
in the goddess space (also known as the G spot). This process will be described
in Chapters 10, “Giving Her the Best Nights Ever,” and 17, “Sexual Healing to
Set You Free.”
A closer look at the male anatomy shows that you can reach (and stimulate) the
prostate gland from the outside along the perineum and from the inside through the
anal opening, as will be described in Chapter 17.

If Your Penis or Yoni Could Talk

Tantra Tutorial
Tantric homeplay often includes
a genital display for your partner,
where the partners “play doctor”
for each other, showing each
other what they have learned
about their bodies. This is not
only educational, it helps overcome embarrassment and increases intimacy.

Fans who listen to me on the radio tease about hearing me ask callers, “If your penis could talk, what
would it say?” The truth is, our bodies do talk to us—
and we talk back. Try this exercise and say aloud what
your genitals might say to you (such as “Why do you
criticize my size?” or “Can’t I have a rest?” or “I’d like
to be adored”).

Go on a Genital Exploration

Take some deep breaths. Center yourself. Now that
you’ve looked at your genitals, touch them with the
primary intention to explore. Notice the colors,
shapes, and textures. After your exploration with a
more objective view, get emotionally involved. Allow
yourself to touch your genitals with pleasure in mind.
Watch what happens in the mirror, or just lie back and enjoy the sensations. Focus
on the smallest sensations, without any expectations.


Chapter 5 ➤ Prep Your Body Temple of Love

A closer look at the female and male body.

The Two Colors of Tantra:
Merging the Sexual and the
There are two types of practices, or colors of tantra,
which I’ll be telling you more about throughout
the book:
1. White tantra refers to the practices that are
more physical, and related to yoga and other
physical fitness.
2. Red tantra refers to the practices that are
more sexual in nature or that use powerful
sexual energy, channeled in a highly spiritual

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Masturbation might bring up old
feelings, particularly from early
childhood; you might have
learned it is “wrong” or “bad.”
Tell yourself the opposite: Selfpleasuring is healthy and will
benefit your love life.


Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex

The Yoga Connection
Yoga is the most popular of the white tantra paths. Many tantric masters are also yoga
masters who have studied and practiced poses for many years. Yoga helps you focus
on your body, still your mind, strengthen and stretch your body, and control your
movements. All that can help you achieve ejaculatory control and multiple orgasms,
and benefit your overall health as well as the physical experience of the transcendent
energy you share with your beloved.
Take a course at a local yoga center or contact any of the resources listed in Appendix B, “Workshops, Web Sites, Teachers, and Tantra Communities,” about whether
they offer yoga classes. Most tantra workshops will introduce you to simple yoga

Some Simple Yoga Movements
Here is a brief description of a few simple yoga movements in many individual routines. See Chapter 14, “Getting Fit Together for Tantric Sex,” for interesting yoga
poses your can do with your beloved as part of tantric practice.
➤ The head lift. Stand up as straight as possible. Reach your head up to the sky as
if a string were pulling it upward from the middle of your crown. Inhale
through your nose, pulling your shoulder blades back toward each other. Exhale
and press your feet solidly into the ground, as if rooting yourself like a tree.
Relax and repeat.
➤ The cobra pose. Lie fully extended on the floor on your stomach. Place the
hands under the shoulders, arms close to the body with elbows back, and slowly
lift the upper body and head in a curve, looking upward.
➤ The cat pose. From the cobra pose, bring the
head down slowly and rise up on the knees,
rounding the back to stretch the spine in the
opposite direction from the cobra pose.

Blocks to Bliss
Always move slowly, and always
have a teacher instruct you on
proper breathing, form, and progression of yoga poses for maximum benefits and to protect the


➤ The resting pose. From the cat pose, lower the
chest to the knees and forehead to the ground,
keeping the arms outstretched. Breathe

Hold It: These Are Called
In certain yoga poses or breathing practices in tantra,
you hold a body part a certain way or create muscular
contractions to control your energy; these are called

Chapter 5 ➤ Prep Your Body Temple of Love
bandhas. They act like waterway locks in that energy is pooled in a certain area by
tightening muscles there, then the energy is released in a stronger force and sent
wherever you want it (up or down the spine, or up to the sky).
The three most common holds are …
➤ Throat hold. To do this, inhale and turn your chin down toward your throat,
drawing the back of your neck straight; then lift the chin and exhale slowly.
➤ Belly hold. Exhale, suck your navel back toward your spine, and pull your belly
up toward your throat.
➤ Pelvis hold. Tighten your PC (pubococcygeal) and anal sphincter muscles. (I’ll
discuss more about how to exercise those PC muscles in the next section.)
The bandhas greatly benefit your sex life. Here’s
➤ The three-step lock, as I call it, incorporates
the three most common holds and helps men
control their ejaculation without losing their
erection. Inhale and do the throat hold.
Exhale and do the belly hold. Squeeze the PC
(or “love”) muscles for the pelvis hold. Repeat.
➤ Pelvis holds help both women and men to
strengthen their pelvic muscles, which results
in more powerful orgasms.
➤ Muscle holds help men and women condition the entire body, strengthen lower back
muscles, and intensify the effects of love
muscle exercises to create more intense sensations in self-pleasuring or intercourse.

Tantra Tutorial
Bandhas increase the energy
you can cycle within your own
body or out to your partner. As
you breathe in, do the pelvis
hold and imagine drawing energy
up from the earth through your
body and out to your partner
and cycle it back again.

You can do these holds any time—while you’re waiting in a movie line or stuck in
traffic—for an energy rush. (Once while teaching a class I was saying that no one
would notice, but when demonstrating how you can practice in secret, the students
laughed at how my skirt was lifting!)
In doing yoga, keep the following important tips in mind:
➤ Always check with a doctor before starting a yoga program or any physical
➤ Warm up before each routine.
➤ Never force your body beyond its limits.
➤ Rest when you feel tired.
➤ Always keep balance (for example, bend forward after you twist or bend


Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex

Love Muscle Exercises for Men and Women
Women’s pubococcygeal muscles run along the sides of the entrance to the vagina.
Strengthening and toning them creates more pleasure in sex for the woman and her
partner (and tightens the muscles, especially after childbirth). Locate them by squeezing, as if to hold back urine, and then release as if forcing the urine out. Now purposefully contract them in faster and faster progression for about 30 seconds. Do this
several times a day. (You can even insert a finger to help you better focus on gripping
with these muscles.)
Men’s PC muscles run through the perineum and connect to both the anus and the
scrotum. Locate them as for the woman, by squeezing as if holding back the flow of
urine, then release as if forcing the urine out. Contract and release 10 times, at an increasingly faster pace, several times a day. This is a powerful method for men to control the timing of their ejaculation.

Ecstasy Essentials
The secret to using the PC muscles to send powerful energy through the body and brain is
to coordinate the breath. Inhale through the nose as you pull up the muscles, hold the
breath as you contract as many times as you can, and then exhale through the nose.

Contracting and releasing the anal sphincter muscles for the man and woman also increases sexual pleasure. Locate these muscles by squeezing as if to prevent defecating,
then bearing down as if forcing yourself to eliminate.

Follow a Conscious Workout
There are many workouts that will tone your body and build your strength. These can
complement your tantric sex practices as long as you stay aware while you do them,
which means focusing on how the particular exercise is moving your energy and how
you are moving your breath. These workouts can include …
➤ Western-style workouts such as weight lifting, aerobics, or specialized routines
from your own gym or trainer.
➤ Eastern style practices such as T’ai Chi or the increasingly popular Qigong (pronounced chee-gong) are systems of Chinese yoga movements that open the body


Chapter 5 ➤ Prep Your Body Temple of Love
to allow the flow of life-force energy. Some exotic-sounding movements include
T’ai Chi Bo Balancing to build a strong and supple back and Bagua Xun Dao
Gong, which stretches and strengthens the legs.

The Spinal Tap
Having a healthy spine is crucial to the practices of tantric sexuality. The spine is the
pathway of the breath through the body, from the base (first) chakra through the
inner flute to the top of the head (the crown chakra). It brings the sexual energy from
the genitals through the body and into the head for transformation and awakening.
Pay attention to your spine! At this very moment, how is it positioned? How is it
when you walk, sit, or stand? Your spine is, of course, directly related to your posture.
Take the following quiz to see what kind of shape your spine is in:
Your Spinal Condition
Check Yes or No to each of the following questions:
1. Are you slumped over when you stand?
2. Do you slump over when you sit?
3. Do you stand in a crooked position (leaning to one side)?
4. Is your neck protruding forward (instead of sitting on top
of your spine)?
5. Are your hips thrust decidedly forward when you walk?
6. Do your feet turn inward or outward when you walk?

❏ Yes
❏ Yes
❏ Yes
❏ Yes

❏ No
❏ No
❏ No
❏ No

❏ Yes
❏ Yes

❏ No
❏ No

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you
need to pay more attention to your precious spine
and your posture.
Everyone worries about getting that slumped-over
look as they age. Not only is this unpleasant aesthetically, it’s not good for your breathing, which
is necessary to send that crucial breath carrying life
energy (called prana) through your body. Pay attention now to keeping your precious spine as
clear a channel as possible. If you need help getting your spine in correct alignment, see a doctor
or a chiropractor.
Many variations of chiropractic practices help realign the spine for more freely flowing energy; one
new trend is called network spinal analysis (NSA).
California NSA practitioner Lexi Fisher explains

Tantra Tutorial
Life experiences or traumas
(physical, emotional, or biochemical) that are left incomplete get stuck and stored up in
the spine just as they do in your
unconscious, preventing the
body from healing or responding


Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex
that this gentle form of chiropractic adjustments (developed in 1979 by Dr. Donald
Epstein) consists of a series of very light contacts (pressure similar to that you might
place on closed eyelids) to areas of the spine along the vertebral column. These contacts re-awaken the body to unresolved experiences and traumatic tension patterns to
release them and free up the channel for more energy.
Fisher explains how it works: “Gentle rocking of the vertebrae frees what was stuck
there, allowing it to be integrated back into us. As the nervous system becomes more
flexible, chronic holding patterns let go as a wave of muscular contractions and pulsation moves through, discharging tension stored there and reorganizing the nervous
system. Once the spinal cord becomes more flexible we experience increased ease and
more energy flowing throughout our body, as we are not as invested in our old ways
of resisting life.”
Just as important as how you move your body to achieve the total good health crucial
for your tantric practice is what you put into it. That means paying attention to your

Food for Thought: You Are What You Eat
Food is the body’s fuel, so it is crucial to pay attention to what you eat. Of course,
you know that fatty foods are bad for your health, and that eating heavy meals is not
conducive to good sex. However, healthy eating practices go beyond this; they must be part of your entire
tantric life routine.

Blocks to Bliss
Never go on a fast or other radical dietary routine without
proper consultation and supervision about what’s right for you.


A clogged or unclean digestive tract can seriously interrupt the flow of energy. Many tantric devotees do
an occasional “cleanse” to purify their body of toxins.
Cleanses range from eating only raw foods to juice
fasts. Not all approaches are right for everyone. To
find the right one for you, get a full medical evaluation and consult a nutrition expert, read books on
nutrition—especially those with a tantric perspective—
and ask friends and tantric teachers for recommendations.

Chapter 5 ➤ Prep Your Body Temple of Love

The Least You Need to Know
➤ Your body is a temple of love; pay attention to how you treat it as a sign of
how you treat yourself.

➤ Exercise routines such as yoga draw attention to your body, promote health,
increase your sexual energy, and prepare you for tantric sex.

➤ Pay particular attention to the position of your spine because it is the channel
of life energy through your body.

➤ A healthy eating plan contributes to your general health, which in turn contributes to a healthier relationship.


Chapter 6

Amp Up or
Damp Down
Your Sexual

In This Chapter
➤ You are in control of your energy
➤ Exercises to calm down your energy
➤ Reducing stress with air yoga
➤ Exercises to amp up your energy
➤ The sacrum tap, chakra thump, and pelvic thrusts to shake up your Shakti

➤ How a partner can help

Now that your body is in good shape, you can progress to the next step: controlling
your energy by relaxing or intensifying it as part of your tantric practice. It’s important that I discuss these two states because they are consistent with the tantric principles of opposites. That is, energy can be still or active; dynamic or in motion. You
need to know how to move your energy in both of these directions.
In this chapter you’ll learn some exercises to put you in a mellow mood, with your
sex energy at a calm, flowing pace, or to amp you up so you’re fully energized and hot
to trot. Remember that you are in control of your body temple; as long as you have
been properly prepared, it will respond to what you ask it to do.

Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex

Ways to Calm Down
Life is stressful, so understandably it might be difficult to do some of your tantric
practices if you aren’t in the right frame of mind. Worrying about work, a health
problem, or a relationship can prevent you from directing your energy as you wish.
Here are some ways to calm down and relax your energy:
➤ Control your breath. Take a deep breath in to the count of seven and exhale to a
longer count (see how high you can go). Exhaling longer than you inhale relaxes you and decreases your heart rate. Refer to Chapter 3, “Spinning Your
Wheels and Breathing to Ecstasy,” for more details about using your breath to
direct your energy.
➤ Sit still and empty your mind. Let thoughts come and go without focusing on
them. Or try meditating on a single word, such as “om,” to calm your mind.
➤ Adjust your environment to eliminate distractions such as ringing phones, irritating street noise, or glaring bright lights.
➤ Light candles and soak in a warm bubble bath.
➤ Take a long walk, play with the dog, or toss a ball around with your kids. Just
about any physical activity is a stress reducer.
➤ Close your eyes and picture a soothing scene, such as the ocean. Imagine the
smell of the salt air and the feel of the sand between your toes.
➤ Soothe yourself with massage. Use long, smooth strokes to calm you while you
breath slowly and deeply. Use cream to glide your hands over your skin.

Air Yoga as a Stress Reducer

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Notice the level of your energy
at any particular time by rating it
on a scale from 0 to 10, with 0
being the least energetic and 10
being the most. Watch how the
rating changes by activities you
purposefully do to raise or lower
your energy.


You likely have a basic idea about yoga, if you don’t
already practice it—but air yoga? What is that? It’s a
fascinating variation on more traditional yoga that incorporates tantric principles. Developed by Washington, D.C., tantric teacher Joshua Smith, it involves
moving the body into traditional yoga poses, then letting your body settle comfortably into positions it
feels it wants to move into.
Start by assuming one of the simplest yoga poses, the
tree pose. Stand with feet shoulder-width apart, knees
slightly bent, looking down. Exhale deeply through
the mouth, focusing on a spot on the ground, falling
deeper and deeper into your body with each exhale.
Close your eyes, inhale through the nose, raise your

Chapter 6 ➤ Amp Up or Damp Down Your Sexual Energy
head, and allow your hands to drift upward as if holding a balloon in each hand
(until level with your head). As you exhale through the mouth, allow your arms to
arch forward, letting the head and body to be guided gently toward the ground. Relax
the head, arms, jaw, and shoulders, feeling like a rag doll.
Now move in whatever way your spine and body want to move. This is different from
other yoga, Smith explains, because you are not following poses that are defined in a
book or established practice, but moving completely in the unknown. “With each exhale in your mouth,” Smith instructs, “allow your body to move in a different way.
Stay tantrically aware of your breath and you will be carried into a state of transcendent stillness.”

Amping Up for Good Loving
Sometimes you really feel too tired for sex or not interested enough, even if part of
you really wants to make love or satisfy your partner’s desire. The good news is there
are many ways tantric sex practices can help you energize your body for lovemaking.

Control Your Breathing
Take a deep breath in to the count of seven and
exhale to a shorter count. Inhaling longer than
you exhale increases your heart rate. (This is the
opposite technique of what I described earlier, to
calm down your energy.)
Another breathing technique that can recharge
you is the fire breath. Inhale and exhale rapidly
through the nose. Let your belly fill up and then
deflate with the air.

Practice the Sacrum Tap

Blocks to Bliss
Consider your physical condition
in any activity that alters your
energy, especially since accelerated breathing can make you
lightheaded or dizzy. For example, people with heart conditions should be especially careful;
consult your doctor.

Tap on your sacral area (the triangle above the end
of your tailbone and below your waist). This is the
home of powerful energy (called “kundalini” energy because it is released from the kunda gland located at the base of the spine). Tantra workshops,
like those taught by a highly respected organization called Tantrika International (see Appendix B, “Workshops, Web Sites, Teachers,
and Tantra Communities”), often include more elaborate variations of this practice.
For example, one partner lies down and the other adds motions (running thumbs up
the spine, breathing warm air up the spine) to move the energy up the spine after
tapping the sacrum.


Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex
Taps to awaken energy.

Do the Chakra Thump
Tap on any of your chakras to awaken the energy there. This doesn’t mean tap dancing with your feet! Rather, it means making rapid repetitive up-and-down tapping
motions on the body with the pads of your fingers. You can also make a fist and use
the softer sides of your hands. Review the locations of the chakras in Chapter 3.

Practice Streaming
Streaming is a variation of the previous exercises. The giver taps forcefully on either
side of the receiver’s spine with the fingertips, starting from the sacrum and progressing up to the neck. A nice addition: When you get to the shoulders, do a nice massage!

Dance Up an Energy Storm
The benefits of dance as movement, body conditioning, and just having fun are endless! I’ll discuss this more in Chapter 15, “Make It Juicy with Magic and Play,” when I
share some playful things to do with your partner. Put on some music at home and
let yourself sway, bob, shimmy, and shake. Improvise. When I do this, I go from
imagining being a ballet dancer to thinking of myself as a Chinese god wielding a
sword. Don’t worry if you don’t have a partner to dance with. Consider taking a
dance class, whether modern, jazz, ballroom, swing, or tango (quite popular now).


Chapter 6 ➤ Amp Up or Damp Down Your Sexual Energy

Get that Pelvis Moving!
Pelvic thrusts are essential to generating sexual energy and pleasure in sex. Doing
them is like downing a power bar for your sexual energy. This is the movement men
naturally make when they have sex—but usually don’t prolong long enough to get
the true benefits.
Pelvic thrusts are one of the favored and fun exercises in tantra workshops. It’s quite a
sight to see a room full of men and women standing or lying on the floor, arching
their back and thrusting their pelvis forward. When everyone adds sound to the
movement, the energy in the room is nearly enough to lift off!
Pelvic thrusts can be done from a standing position, progressing to the floor through
various levels of squatting; or in the opposite direction (starting from a lying down
position and getting up). Doing them basically involves thrusting the pelvis forward
and backward. It’s important to coordinate your breath (exhale through the mouth as
you thrust forward and inhale through the nose as you arch backward). Once you get
the hang of it you can move your arms to help move your energy. When you do
these exercises alone, you can picture yourself thrusting against a partner, having intercourse to help allow yourself to get really sexy and seductive. Or you can do these
exercises facing a partner—and feel as if you are already in the sex act!

Pelvic thrusts to build sexual energy.


Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex

It’s normal and even healthy to have sexual fantasies—fleeting thoughts or extended
stories in your mind about past experiences or imagined situations that are arousing.
Give yourself permission to have these thoughts without worrying about whether
they are bad or wrong. However, keep in mind that tantric practice requires that you
always bring your attention back into your body sensations and the present so you
fully appreciate your real experience, your partner, and what is going on in the

Let Yourself Go!
An important principle in building sexual energy is to free your thoughts and movements from inhibitions. One technique to do this is called “the dynamic meditation.”
This is a technique developed by the Indian mystic, Osho, who originated many
tantric practices to bring about enlightenment. The first time I did this practice, at
the Osho retreat center in Pune, India, I was impressed with how brilliantly and artfully it can help move energy.
The “dynamic meditation” is done in several parts. In the first part, shake your body
for up to 15 minutes while breathing in and out forcefully and quickly. Flap your
arms (you’ll look humorously like a chicken!) to get more energy flowing. Let your
voice go and say gibberish. Free your mind and loosen your jaw, and let your limbs
fly where they may. Bolts of energy will surge through your body and every cell will
feel alive and tingling. Afterward, stop abruptly and go into a state of meditative silence to absorb the energy. After this period of meditation, let yourself become active
by dancing and having uninhibited fun. You can purchase a tape of this meditation
from Osho International (see Appendix B for contact information).

Do the “Shakti Shake”
Another way to activate your energy is to do the “Shakti Shake.” This is a wonderful
technique I use in many of my classes and workshops, especially when participants
come in feeling tired from their days of classes, studying, or work. The technique is
very simple: Put on some music that you can’t resist moving to. Start by shaking just
your right leg, then your left leg. Keep up with the beat of the music. Get your hips,
arms, and hands moving. Rock your shoulders. Let your head go (careful with your
neck!). Get your whole body into the action. Notice how alive you feel.

Take Lama Breaths
Lama breathing is one of my favorite ways to amp up. When I give lectures I even
have the attendees do it to refresh themselves, even at times in the middle of my
speech! It’s quite an exhilarating experience—and quite a sight! The monks in Tibet


Chapter 6 ➤ Amp Up or Damp Down Your Sexual Energy
use these movements and find them so effective in
warming the body that they can go up in the
mountains naked and stay warm. There are an extended series of moves in sequences. Here are two
simple techniques that I have adapted for use in
my groups with great effectiveness:
➤ Stand straight with knees slightly bent and
shoulder-width apart. Inhale and raise your
arms straight out to your sides. Exhale, dropping your arms to your sides, blowing the air
out and making a bellows-like sound until
your arms come to rest at your sides. Notice
how you feel. Repeat this three times.
➤ Stand firmly rooted to the ground, legs
shoulder-width apart. Inhale and raise one
arm, making a fist, up above your head and
drop it while exhaling, blowing out the air
forcefully, and letting a sound come out.
Alternate arms. (Twice might be enough to
jazz you up.)

Tantra Tutorial
Spinning—twirling around in a
joyful dance movement—is part
of energizing ceremonies in
Sufism, an Islamic mystical movement that some Westerners follow. Spinning is intended help
you connect with the divine
(God). If you try it, don’t spin so
long that you become dizzy and
lose your balance, and take care
not to bump into anything.

Lama breaths.


Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex

Ask Your Partner for Help
Any one of the techniques in this chapter can be done alone or with a partner.
Letting your partner know the level of your sexual energy and your willingness to adjust, or to match his or her interest, increases trust and intimacy between you.
For example, Andy knew that his partner Ali had planned a special evening for their
anniversary and would want to be especially close and to make love. But he had had
an especially bad day at the office, with an important deal that fell through, leaving
him feeling fatigued and discouraged. Not wanting to disappoint her, he explained
the dilemma. She happily allowed him time alone to calm down by breathing, meditating, and taking a shower, and then helped him shift his mood by giving him a
long, relaxing massage.
Moving your energy alone or with a partner prepares you for sharing nights of pleasure, as described in the following chapters.

The Least You Need to Know
➤ You control your energy and decide whether you want to be sexual; don’t give
up, feeling that you’re just too tired and can’t do anything about it.

➤ It is possible to calm your energy for tantric sex by controlling your breath,
thoughts, and movements.

➤ You can also amp up your energy for sex by particular ways of controlling your
breathing, or performing certain exercises or movements that get your body

➤ You can increase or decrease your energy levels with certain movements or activities on your own or with your partner; let your partner know your energy
level and what help you would like.


Chapter 7

Setting the Stage
for Your Tantric
Nights of Pleasure
In This Chapter
➤ Making time for lovemaking
➤ Preparing for your tantric night of pleasure
➤ Bathing rituals
➤ God and goddess attire to spark your desire
➤ Arranging your temple of love and your love altar
➤ What to do and where to go on your tantra date

Consider lovemaking as your “tantric date,” a special get-together in two steps: planning and preparing for your night of pleasure, and spending the actual time together.
Having sex is not just an act; it is a ritual experience that requires thought and deliberate actions as part of the seduction.
Every action serves a multiple purpose: to quiet your mind, put you in the mood,
build anticipation, and honor your partner. Dress up your self and the space where
you will make love, paying attention to the smallest details. Attention to details is a
sign of honoring each other and your time together; it shows the value you place on
each other and on your relationship. Your tantric night of pleasure starts with setting
aside time to be together—something many couples neglect.

Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex

Making Time Enough for Love
We never have enough time for sex. This is one of the most common complaints I’ve
heard from couples over the years! Of course you’re busy with work, family, friends,
and a full calendar; but what could be more important than making time for this special kind of loving?
Set aside time for one another to do these practices. Start with an hour on two different occasions during the week. Agree on the specific time and write it in your calendar. This will affirm that your relationship is of primary importance from which other
aspects also flow, including your job, family relationships, and your life in general.
“But where’s the spontaneity?” complained Donald when I told him to set up such a
tantric sex schedule. “Who wants sex to be so organized? That sounds like no fun.”
Donald’s objections are common, especially for men. However, every new exercise or
self-improvement effort requires allotting time and expending effort, whether it’s
yoga, weight lifting, or a weekend workshop. To keep your priorities in order in our
busy world, you have to insist on scheduling, at least at first; later you can be more
spontaneous. Use the following calendar to check off when you will be together for
your tantric sex practices. Start with one hour twice a week and add more time as you
advance in your practices.

The Conscious Cleanup

Ecstasy Essentials
Falling into a passionate
embrace—spontaneously, anytime, anyplace—is exciting and
certainly adds quick fire to a
relationship—but preparing for
that special encounter can build
a steady burn. Putting time, energy, and care into preparing for
your time together makes you
both feel special!

Surely you know the experience of dressing your best
for a special date, or a quick cleanup if you anticipate
taking your date back to your place (tossing newspapers in the garbage, hiding piles of papers, throwing
clothes in the closet). If you’ve been together a long
time and take each other for granted, it’s time to go
back to those days of dating when you were making
an effort to impress. Consider the following 10 tips for
conscious cleanups, both alone and with your partner:
1. Always keep your fingernails clean and neatly
clipped. Neatly trimmed, clean nails are not
only attractive (dirty nails are most often mentioned as turnoffs by both men and women),
they are important for hygiene, because you’ll
use your fingers to stimulate your partner’s skin
and pleasure his or her internal organs.

2. Brush your teeth regularly, especially before a romantic interlude with your partner. Like nails, unbrushed teeth are high on the list of turnoffs mentioned by
both men and women. Use toothpaste with baking soda for a good cleansing,
and swish with mouthwash for an extra feeling of freshness.


Tantric Love Together Time






6P.M. 7P.M.














Chapter 7 ➤ Setting the Stage for Your Tantric Nights of Pleasure


Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex
3. Wash each other’s hair. This is particularly good for the man to do for the
woman, as it is often the first time he has done such an act for her.
4. Shave him, paying careful attention to being tender on his skin. Trusting her to
do this will make her feel proud and pleased.
5. Paint her toenails. Do his nails, too, for something new, as more men are letting
themselves enjoy this primping without thinking that it is unmanly.
6. Adjust the lighting in the bathroom. Most bathrooms have harsh lighting, especially over the
sink. Replace the bulbs with rosy colored ones
for a special evening, or bring in a special lamp.
Place candles on sink counters, bathtub ledges,
and floor to create a sensuous atmosphere.

Tantra Tutorial
In the Arm and Hammer First
Impression Study of more than a
thousand men and women, top
turnoffs included body odor (89
percent), unpleasant personality
(86 percent) bad breath (84 percent), discolored or yellow teeth
(70 percent), too much perfume
(62 percent), and dirty fingernails (60 percent). More than
half of those surveyed said fresh
breath becomes more important
the longer they are in a romantic
relationship. People with bad
breath were described as unclean, unhealthy, lazy, unattractive, and unsuccessful.

7. Take turns preparing a bath for each other or
share a romantic bath together (more on that in
the next section). Check the water temperature.
Although a cool bath is stimulating, warm water
usually is best for relaxation and to generate
feelings of warmth.
8. Play music during your bath. One couple I
know mounted stereo speakers in their bathroom! A simpler idea is to bring in a CD player
or radio (be careful, of course, that electrical appliances don’t fall in the water!).
9. Buy special scented soaps, bath oils, soft
brushes, and even bath mitts. Most department
stores have large sections for bath items, and
stores such as Bed, Bath and Beyond and The
Body Shop specialize in all kinds of accoutrements for the bath.

10. Prepare your exit with a mat (to avoid stepping
on a cold floor), cozy bathrobe, and large, plush
towels. Keep the latter two items separate from what you use everyday, to make
the experience special.

The Tantric Bathing Ritual
I’m sure you’re familiar with taking a quick shower or swish in a tub after a stressful
day to get ready for sex. But when’s the last time you languished in the bath with
your lover? Languorous, deliberate showering and washing together is an essential
part of tantric sex. Time in the tub is for far more than getting clean; it also is to …


Chapter 7 ➤ Setting the Stage for Your Tantric Nights of Pleasure
➤ Enjoy the experience of being together in
the water.
➤ Get in touch with your bodies.
➤ Arouse your sensations.
➤ Build your awareness of each other.
The most important aspect of tantric bathing is to
make washing each other a ritualistic act, done
with deliberate attention. Instead of swishing
soap quickly over body parts, linger on certain
spots. Be creative as you would during a massage.
Soapy hands offer a wonderful opportunity to
slide over your partner’s skin. Use different
touches to delight the skin; from long, smooth
strokes to circular tracings around areas such as
the back and buttocks. Alternate your touch,
using the soapy palms of your hand on especially
sensitive places and light fingernail scratches on
places such as arms and legs.

Tantra Tutorial
Bathing is an ancient tradition as
a prelude to lovemaking.
Ancient Roman and Greek lovers
stepped down into large open
baths, and in Japanese tradition
lovers went from an extremely
hot tub to an extremely cold tub
to stimulate circulation, a practice continued at Oriental spas.

The beloveds’ bathing


Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Water striking the skin can be
pleasurable. If you don’t have
the luxury of jets in a hot tub,
buy an attachment that can be
installed in your tub to circulate
the water, or a shower head that
emits either diffuse or pelting

Just as you would in massage, start with nonsexual
areas to build anticipation for more sexual parts. Trace
around the breasts and chest deliberately, and up the
inner thighs. Slip hands delicately onto more sexual
areas. It can be an entirely new experience for couples
to wash each other in these private parts. Clean with
an air of innocence—still intending to stimulate your
partner—to add an element of teasing and tantalizing.

God and Goddess Dress Up
Remember when playing dress up was fun? Little girls
love dressing up as mommy or dressing their dolls,
and boys like donning cowboy outfits or GI Joe gear.
As we grow up we tend to become conservative and
cautious about attire. On your tantra date, let yourself
have fun again; play with styles and fabrics, pick
clothes you might never imagine wearing, or use that
finery in your closet you’ve been saving for a special

Of course, you like to think you’re loved for exactly who you are rather than what
you look like or what you wear. Indeed, your inner being is what really matters in
tantric lovemaking, but beautifying your outer being is a statement of respect for
yourself and your lover.
Most men get quickly to the stage of being naked in lovemaking, and of course you
can choose to be au naturel; but tantric sex involves dressing up before you undress.
Dressing up to seduce your lover—and to feel good about yourself—is a meditative act
to draw attention to your body, to put you in a seductive mood, and for just plain
fun. Let yourself be creative, following these suggestions:
➤ Tantric clothes are usually loose fitting and diaphanous, to match the feeling of
flowing. Sensuous fabrics such as cut velvets and silk encourage touch. Women
can wear flowing dresses, wrapped scarves, or beaded collars, the more revealing
the better, to entice and please the eye and invite touch! The tantric man can
wear a silk shirt (with top buttons open), silk boxers, or even cotton slacks.
Tantric men are not afraid to wear wrapped materials (commonly worn on exotic islands such as Hawaii and Tahiti) called pareos, which look like skirts but
are actually quite masculine.
➤ Make sure these clothes are special, not the same things you wear every day,
working around the house, or just hanging out.
➤ Clothes can be loungewear or outerwear, as long as you feel good in them and
they delight your partner.


Chapter 7 ➤ Setting the Stage for Your Tantric Nights of Pleasure
God and goddess dress up.

➤ Wear jewelry that draws more attention than what you would normally wear in
public. Be dramatic, letting a string of pearls dangle into your cleavage. Try
extra-long dangling earrings, or a thin belt strung around your belly. Extra spark
can come from ankle bracelets or toe rings. Some tantric men let themselves go,
wearing a bracelet or necklace (as men did in ancient Roman or Egyptian times)
to add extra sparkle and to surprise their partner.
➤ Experiment with new styles of clothing you haven’t thought of wearing before.
Pick attire for your tantra date that gives you an opportunity to explore new
parts of yourself and new fantasies.
➤ Use color. The traditional tantric colors are red and purple. Refer to Chapter 3,
“Spinning Your Wheels and Breathing to Ecstasy,” to review the colors associated with different chakras, and choose colors of clothing to stimulate and accentuate certain energy centers. Wear orange underwear to awaken the sex
center, a yellow scarf around your waist to boost your power, a necklace with a
turquoise stone at your throat to help you express yourself, or a purple shirt to
inspire you to achieve a more spiritual state of mind and union.
You can undress alluringly for your partner, even putting on a strip show. Or undress
each other slowly and seductively, or even rip each other’s clothes off in a fit of

Your Ideal Romantic Setting
Lights! Camera! Action! Think of a movie set for the most romantic or exciting love
scene you can imagine. What does the set look like? Fill in the following chart for
yourself and with your partner. Do you have the same ideal lovemaking space? Talk


Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex
about your different ideas of a perfect setting for lovemaking. Take turns describing
your scenes fully and enjoy your partner’s scene, allowing yourself to imagine yourselves being there.
Describe how the most romantic scene would look, if you were directing a love scene
in a movie. For example, under Place, your ideal scene might be outdoors in a field of
lilies, whereas your partner’s might be indoors in a bedroom with a crackling fireplace. Under Era, you might choose ancient Rome as being most exciting or romantic;
your partner might choose seventeenth-century France.
Our Ideal Love Scene
What I Like:

What My Partner Likes:

Other characteristics (specify):

Prepare Your Sacred Lovemaking Space
Think of the most elegant temples, cathedrals, and synagogues you have ever been in.
Remember your awe at the stained glass windows, elaborate ceiling paintings, marble
floors, gilded wood carvings, gold satin, or red velvet drapery. Think of your lovemaking space with the same reverence and care as such temples.
Dressing up your lovemaking space follows the same principle as dressing yourself
up before a special date. Think of going to a special event: Just as you’d put on your
best finery, dress up your room. Be mindful of stimulating all the senses, following
these tips:
➤ Light candles all around the room. Put dimmers on your lights, replace harsh
lighting with softer fixtures, or put colored bulbs in lamps. If you have overhead
lights, place lamps strategically. Drape scarves over lampshades with lights that
are too bright (a favorite tantric trick). Think of yourself on TV or in a movie,
where lighting creates flattering views of the people’s faces and the environment.
➤ Add scent. Put fresh flowers in the room, light incense, or spray aromatic room
oils. (Don’t overdo it, and, of course, be attentive to any allergies you or your
partner have.)


Chapter 7 ➤ Setting the Stage for Your Tantric Nights of Pleasure
➤ Dress up your bed. Put on a new coverlet,
drape it with colored materials purchased specially for these occasions, and add soft pillows as decoration and to support body parts.
➤ Keep love toys handy, including massage oils,
feather boas, and silk scarves to run over your
partner’s body to awaken sensations.
➤ Have sacraments nearby that stimulate your
taste buds and to toast your lovemaking.
These can include anything from chocolatecovered strawberries to the traditional chilled
glasses of champagne.
➤ Neaten up. Store messy piles of papers in a
closet, stash exercise equipment under the
bed, cover distracting items such as stacks of
videos with scarves or attractive swatches of

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Don’t inhibit lovemaking by fearing that your fancy satin sheets
will be ruined by oils or body
fluids. Buy them for that purpose, replace them when necessary, or put towels down for
protection. Use silk sheets for
sensuality or put on flannel
sheets because they are warm,
absorbent, and feel comfortable
on the skin.

Change Your Setting
Be creative in your lovemaking. Make love in different places inside and outside the home, blessing
each area with your love. Flowers will bloom and
trees will grow taller where you come together
with blessed intention and spiritual union.
However, making love in the same setting and
keeping your love altar in the same place are also
good ideas, as your lovemaking creates an energy
vortex that builds and intensifies your union when
you return to that space. Cellular memory and
mental associations are triggers, so that even if you
are not in the mood, entering that space can get
you there.

Music to Make Love By

Blocks to Bliss
One tantra teacher I know recommends not always making
love in your bed, saying it can
trigger physical reactions and
mental associations with sleep
and the release of melatonin
that induces drowsiness. In addition, a too-soft mattress or waterbed does not provide as much
friction of body parts pressing
against one another as a floor
(padded, of course).

Music stirs the soul. Research has proven that certain sounds and tempos directly affect our breathing and heart rate, which in turn affects our mood.
For these reasons music will play a very important
role in your tantric date. Choose music you and your partner enjoy, whether it is
classical, operatic, or even rock-and-roll. Most important, select music consciously to


Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex
create the mood you desire. I’ll go into more detail about this and give you suggestions about what kind of music to play in Chapter 18, “Sex, Song, and Videotape.”
Check out that chapter when it’s time to stack your CD changer for your date.

Building an Altar
An altar is a space on a ledge, table, or on the floor where you place sacred objects
symbolic of your prayers and respect for spirits. Just as in a religious institution, looking at these objects inspires you to a higher state of consciousness. Be on the lookout
for sacred objects to decorate your house that trigger spiritual feelings when you look
at them. Collect the objects and design this space together, as an experience that
brings you close together and a testimonial to your togetherness. Approach this altar
before your lovemaking and say a prayer together—silently or aloud—to bless the
items and your upcoming union.
Items on your altar might include …
➤ Photos of yourselves that you cherish, or photos
of revered religious leaders or tantric masters.

Ecstasy Essentials
As is done in ancient Native
American traditions, light sticks
of sage (available at health food
stores) to purify the air with its
pungent aroma. Move it around
the room, into each corner, and
around your body.

➤ Objects from your life together that are especially meaningful (shells from a trip to Fiji, the
class ring he gave you, the crystal she bought in
a small shop in the mountains).
➤ Items representing the elements: earth (a special
stone), fire (candles), water (a bowl), air (a
feather) and spirit (crystal).
➤ Flowers, especially fresh flowers.
➤ Special gifts that you’ve given each other.
➤ Sacred objects such as statues of Shiva and
Shakti in embrace, or the bell and dorje (symbolic of the male and female spirit).

Honoring Rituals to Sanctify Your Space
Love rituals involving movements and dedications help create a safe space and a
sanctified area in which to surrender to each other. Here you can achieve transformation and trance-like states that lead to ecstasy. The following are some ways to sanctify your special space:
➤ Walk around the space in each of the four corners, saying a prayer at each corner. Make up your own prayer, such as: “I dedicate this experience to you, my
beloved, may it fulfill all your heart’s desire.” Or recite a prayer that comes from


Chapter 7 ➤ Setting the Stage for Your Tantric Nights of Pleasure
your ancient people. Maria Yraceburu is an American Indian descendant in
touch with her spiritual heritage, described in her book Legends and Prophecies of
the Quero Apache (Inner Traditions International/Bear Books, 2002). Here is her
suggestion for a chant:
We come from the Earth Mother, We come from the Sky Father,
We come here to be all that we can be,
The legacy unfolds here in life,
Moving like soft warm rain, Our love ascends
Cascading to Earth. Spirit’s saving grace.
Daaiina, and so it is.
➤ Walk around the space in each of the four corners, blessing it, saying a prayer to
make it safe, or invoking and inviting the spirits of the four directions of the
universe, and any other spirits you would like to bless and protect you in your
lovemaking (good guides, holy spirits, or ancestors). For example, walk to the
north corner, ring a bell, and say, “We invite spirits of the north to send their
blessing and protective energy to our lovemaking.” Say something similar at the
south, east, and west corners.
➤ Give each other a gift as an offering of your love and devotion, and to sanctify
the space as holy and honoring. This can be a small gift that does not have to
cost a great deal of money. Make it something thoughtful that you can use immediately in your lovemaking ceremony, such as a small stone, a CD of his favorite music, a scarf, or scented oil.
Giving gifts of love.


Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex

Quiet the Mind
Settle down into your space after bathing and honoring the space rituals, and quiet
the mind to allow your energies to mingle. Sit in the yab yum position, as described
in Chapter 2, “The Basics: Yes, Yin Yang, Yoni, and Yab Yum.” Do eye gazing and
breathing techniques as described in Chapters 3, “Spinning Your Wheels and
Breathing to Ecstasy,” and 8, “Practices for Beloveds to Reach Bliss.” Chant to synchronize your energy and quiet your mind. Follow the repetitious mantras of a particular CD, do traditional ones (such as simply repeating “om” or “aum”), or make up
your own.

Set Your Intention Together
All too often couples jump into bed—and sex—silently. But since tantric sex is a dedication and not a mindless act, sit opposite each other and set an intention for your
lovemaking. Sexual and love energy is powerful energy—say what you would like to
manifest in this lovemaking session, and it will be more likely to come true as you let
your energy expand and merge. Take turns, speaking from your heart, allowing whatever needs to be said to come up. Ask for anything from your partner or from divinities, including personal happiness and world peace.

Tantra Tales
Barry’s intention in making love with his girlfriend Beth was: “I intend for this time together to bring us to a better understanding of each other, to cleanse our hearts from the
anger of last week, and to blend our bodies so that we feel higher states of pleasure than
we ever have before.” Beth said, “My intention is for us to go deeper in our love than we
have ever gone before; for me to feel better about my body; and for the love energy that
we generate to spread out to heal the children in other parts of the world who are suffering, and the men and women who are the victims of cruel unloving acts from others,
and to inspire all those who do not yet know the joys of these practices.” Alex had a similarly touching blessing for his beloved, adding a dedication to her health, but also a humorous request: “… and may you have that Mercedes Benz car you drool over!”


Chapter 7 ➤ Setting the Stage for Your Tantric Nights of Pleasure

Going Out on Your Tantra Date
The tantra date refers to your lovemaking ritual in a private space, usually at home.
However, the prelude to this date can certainly include activities you do on a regular
date, in which you actually go somewhere to do something—before coming home for
lovemaking. Excitement can build when you are out somewhere together. What are
the most exciting things you can do together that will increase your feelings of togetherness and build your anticipation for private time together?
Review the following list and check off activities you would most enjoy. Add to the
list. Write down pleasurable activities you can think of, ask your partner to do the
same, and compare your lists. Did you come up with similar activities? Read your list
to each other and discuss what you would most enjoy about each one. Go over them
one at a time, slowly, enjoying the description of what you would do. Notice how
you feel when you imagine the activity. Where is the pleasure—or resistance—to
these activities? What fears do each of you have about doing what each of you chose?
Activities List

I Like:

My Partner Likes:

Have a romantic dinner
Walk in the park
See a movie
Go dancing
Ride bicycles
Visit friends
Attend a concert
Work out together


Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex

The Least You Need to Know
➤ Even if you have a full calendar of work, family obligations, and other commitments, it’s important for you and your partner to make time for love.

➤ Prepare for lovemaking to make your encounter special by pampering yourself
and setting up your ideal love scene (your bedroom or wherever you choose
to make love), paying attention to appeal to all the senses.

➤ Create a sensuous bathing ritual not just for cleaning but for adding to your
sensual pleasure.

➤ Dress up for a special occasion, selecting apparel that flatters your shape and
seduces, and adornments that draw attention.

➤ Sanctify your body and your space with ritualistic purifying and prayers and set
your intentions that honor the special event you will make of your union.


Chapter 8

Practices for
Beloveds to
Reach Bliss

In This Chapter
➤ How to reach the state of bliss
➤ Simple methods to synchronize your energy
➤ Spicing up your senses and stimulating your partner
➤ Finding your tantric love triggers
➤ Learning “sex in the flow lane”
➤ Rituals that make lovemaking special

Now that you’ve set the stage for your tantric connection, what are you to do? A natural answer would be to do what comes naturally. But since tantra is a ritualistic practice, there are some activities and ceremonies you can do together to facilitate your
pleasure and help you reach those higher realms of bliss. This chapter introduces you
to some of those practices.

What Is Bliss?
Have you ever been so happy you almost couldn’t believe it? Been so attuned to
everything around you and smiled so hard that your face hurt? Felt a bright white
light enveloping you and maybe even transporting you to another dimension?

Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex

Blocks to Bliss
Many people actually resist bliss,
living with the limiting belief
that “It can never be this good!”
or fears that they will lose that
feeling of happiness. I invite you
to give yourself permission now
for it to be that good! Believe
that you deserve it!

That’s the state of bliss—deeper than delight; juicier
than joyful. You’re enraptured and have the feeling
that all is perfect. “Bliss” is the highest happiness. In a
word, “heaven,” says Bodhi Avinasha, master teacher
of spiritual transformation and author of Jewel in the
Lotus and Living in Bliss (Tantrika International, 2002).
“Bliss means feeling so good that every cell in your
body feels alive,” says tantra teacher Laurie Handlers,
who leads workshops titled “Being in Bliss.”

How do you get to that magical state of bliss? By being
present in the moment, breathing, channeling your
energy, feeling your love, and practicing the techniques I’m sharing with you in this book. Bodhi
Avinasha has developed this dynamic bliss formula: simultaneous activation and integration of mind, body,
and soul. The magical process involves activating the
body and stilling the mind; then channeling sexual
energy through the body to reach higher states of consciousness. “With this formula, you go from survival to service, from pleasure to creativity, from control to surrender,” says Bodhi. It’s brilliant, and it works.

Synchronizing Your Energy
Because life is so stressful and you can’t always expect that you and your beloved will
be in the same mood, it is very important before beginning any tantric practice that
you do as much as possible to be on the same wavelength. The magic of tantra is that
you can start out in a different space and place, figuratively speaking and through
certain practices, you can get into the same groove.
One way to synchronize your energy is by breathing together. Review the breathing
practices I described in detail in Chapter 3, “Spinning Your Wheels and Breathing to
Ecstasy.” You’ll recall that the breath guides your energy in various ways that you
want it to go.
You can do these breaths in different positions to achieve interesting new sensations.
For example, sit back to back while you do the breaths (instead of facing each other)
and feel your partner’s chest, sides, and back expanding through the contact with
your back. You can feel this easily if you both have taken a full breath so that your
chest and back expand. As you breathe, make up a sound to chant together (use “om”
or any sound both of you like). Adding a sound to breathing together intensifies your
connection to each other.


Chapter 8 ➤ Practices for Beloveds to Reach Bliss

Look into My Eyes: Eye Gazing
Eye gazing is a basic tantric sex practice, widely taught by tantra teachers of all schools
of thought. It’s a fundamental practice that leads to intense experiences when you do
it right. It sounds so simple—looking at each other—but in fact, think about how difficult it can be to actually look into anyone’s eyes for any amount of time. Fears of intimacy can make it even more uncomfortable to look into a lover’s eyes deeply for an
extended period of time. How do you feel when a lover looks deeply and directly in
your eyes? You might be delighted, but you might also feel vulnerable, self-conscious,
or embarrassed. These feelings are normal!
Eye gazing in tantric sex practice means looking deeply into your partner’s eyes, to
see behind the obvious (eye color, eyelashes, expression) into his or her soul. It can be
challenging and take practice.
Eye gazing with deep
breathing and energy

You should do eye gazing in most of the exercises I tell you about throughout this
book because …
➤ It stills your mind and focuses your attention on what you are doing rather than
on distracting thoughts, to keep you present and in the moment.
➤ It gives your partner a good feeling that you’re totally paying attention and are
present for him or her.


Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex
➤ It enables you to confront your fears of deep connection with your beloved.
➤ It transforms your relationship to each other by getting beyond mental distractions and physical judgments to enter each other’s soul.
Eye gazing is the favorite sexual practice of the husband and wife tantra teaching
team of Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson. “When people first fall in love, they
often spend extended periods gazing into each other’s eyes,” says Michaels. “In perfecting eye gazing you are consciously re-creating the experience of falling in love.”

Ecstasy Essentials
Teachers Michaels and Johnson
recommend starting with the
classical practice of Tratak, in
which you fix your gaze on a
candle flame for several minutes,
usually just before bed. This helps
you develop the concentration
necessary to exchange intense
gazes with your partner.

To do eye gazing, stand facing your partner in a relaxed and open posture and gaze softly into each
other’s eyes for at least three minutes. (You can also do
eye gazing while sitting in yab yum or any comfortable position as long as your energy centers are
aligned.) Look predominantly into each other’s left (receiving) eye. Remember it’s not a staring contest; keep
your eyes relaxed and blink if you have to. Come back
to gazing if you get distracted. Instead of focusing on
the outward act of looking, be receptive so you can
melt deeper and deeper into the union with your
beloved. “Recognize and appreciate the beauty and joy
that you find in your partner’s eyes,” advises Johnson.
Notice whatever feelings come up (fear, embarrassment, attraction, love). Keep breathing. Notice your
body’s reactions (lips tightening, squinting, coughing,
shifting). Eventually you will be able to keep more

The Heart Hold
This exercise sends love energy through your hands and into each other’s heart. Place
your right hand over your partner’s heart. At the same time, your partner places his
right hand over your heart. Imagine sending out your love energy through your heart
down your arm and out your right hand into your partner. You have several options
for where you can put your left hand to run the energy between you:
➤ Over your partner’s right hand, pressing it over your heart.
➤ On your partner’s middle back, directly in back of where his or her heart is.
➤ On your genitals or on each other’s genitals.
Experiment with different places, to experience heart energy cycling through your
body in various ways. On each occasion, go slowly, breathe, and feel the energy actually passing between and through you.


Chapter 8 ➤ Practices for Beloveds to Reach Bliss
The heart hold sends love
energy through your

The Partner Passion Pod
Being encircled by your lover’s arms feels secure, comforting, and even exciting.
Tantric practice encourages connecting between partners in all types of positions and
situations. In this exercise, approach each other slowly while eye gazing and let your
bodies float into each other and embrace in any way that seems comfortable. As you
embrace, do the synchronizing breath while slowly inhaling and exhaling. As you
breathe, feel your bodies melting into one another. Stay in this position as long as
you like. When you separate, move apart slowly, still maintaining eye contact since
abrupt separations should never occur in tantric connections. Look at each other and
notice how different you look. After such a connection, you might look as relaxed
and happy as you do after a massage.

Stimulating the Senses
All the senses are honored in tantric lovemaking. That means all the organs involved
with these senses are also centers of the body. Here are some examples of exercises
you can do with your partner to create bliss between you that activates each of the


Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex
➤ Mouth and face Trace around your beloved’s mouth with your fingertips and
pull the lips apart gently. The lips are related to the genitals, according to
Eastern tradition, and licking and sucking them can stimulate the sexual organs.
Press your lips to your partner’s and make motions. Extend your touch to the
area around the mouth and to the cheeks and face. Blindfold your partner and
feed him or her various tasty morsels with different textures (try strawberries,
chocolate-covered cherries, a spoonful of ice cream, a slice of crunchy cucumber). Tantalize your partner as you do this. (Later this feeding will get more playful in Chapter 15, “Make It Juicy with Magic and Play.”)
Sensuous touch.

➤ Eyes The eyes truly are the window to the soul. At the beginning of this chapter I mentioned the importance of eye gazing as fundamental to all tantric connecting. Go a step further by touching your partner’s eyes gently around the eye
sockets and across the lids, making circles at the corners and tracing out to the
temples. Let your gaze roam from each other’s eyes down to other parts with
wonder and appreciation.
➤ Nose The nose is cherished in tantric practice, since along with the mouth it is
the entrance for the vital breath that is the life force (called prana). Besides, its
function (scent) plays a vital role in attraction! Stimulate your partner’s sense of
smell by blindfolding him or her and passing various scents (scented oils, oranges, wine) under his or her nose. Sniff various parts of each other’s body in a
natural, uninhibited way, as animals do, as if scouting each other out. Use your
nose as you would your fingers to stimulate each other and see what new sensations you can create.


Chapter 8 ➤ Practices for Beloveds to Reach Bliss
➤ Hands Touch has been proven to have
healing effects, and the role of massage is
paramount in tantra. As I’ve mentioned, it is
an excellent idea to take a massage class, read
a book, or watch a video about tantric massage to hone your skills.
Here’s an exercise I use in my workshops to
teach participants how to enjoy sensations
through touch. Taking turns as giver and receiver, close your eyes and hold your partner’s hand. Feel the energy of the hand
you’re touching and that of your own hand,
so you can identify the different sensations of
touching and being touched. Breathe deeply,
sending energy through your hand, and explore your partner’s hand. Feel the different
textures (bony parts, soft palm, sharp nails).
Massage, using different strokes and pressures, with the intention of making your
partner feel good. Give each other feedback
about the different sensations of touching
and being touched.
➤ Ears Too often neglected, this part of the
body can be very erotic. Press your thumbs
into the openings of the ears, pressing
around the inner skin. Stretch and tug at the
earlobes (they can take pressure)and around
the outer ear. Whisper sweet nothings into
your partner’s ear. Sing a song; it doesn’t matter whether you can really sing, just let yourself improvise to express yourself into your
partner’s ear.

Ecstasy Essentials
Consider aromatherapy and the
use of essential oils in your individual and partner practices.
Research has shown that such
scents actually have particular effects on the brain, facilitating
certain mood states.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
While you and your partner are
both in the shower, soap up,
turn your backs to each other,
and rub your back and backside
against each other. Bump up
against each other’s sacrum, to
stir up energy.

As I mentioned, music is so important in your tantric practice. (I’ll discuss this
in more detail in Chapter 18, “Sex, Song, and Videotape”), so improvise making
music together. That means you don’t have to play someone else’s CD; instead,
use anything around the house on which to keep a beat, or get some simple percussion instruments (drums, rattles, bells, chimes) from a music store. (As a musician, this is one practice I particularly enjoy!)


Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex

Call It Sacred: Finding Your Tantric Love Triggers
Consider your relationship as sacred, meaning that you hold it in the highest esteem,
reflect on it with awe, and treat it with the utmost respect. To infuse your love with
this quality, preface any descriptions of your relationship with the word “sacred.”
Infuse this sacredness with words or symbols that are special to the two of you and
evoke your tantric union (I call these tantric triggers). One of my personal tantric triggers is the depiction of the dragon and the phoenix, two magical beings and auspicious symbols in China often paired together as statues, etched on sidewalks, or
printed on wedding invitations, as shown in the following illustration.
The auspicious pairing of
the phoenix and dragon.

Sex in the Flow Lane
Tantric sex requires an awareness of every sensation—but so often we’re so busy
“doing” that we don’t really feel how we’re moving. Personal coach Greg Ehmka developed a technique he calls Sexyhan (I call it “sex in the flow lane”), in which you
don’t move any body part until your body feels the motion from within. Ehmka describes this technique in his book Money, Sex, Power and You: Transforming Your Ego,
and many tantra teachers, including myself, use a variation of the process in their
workshops. It is quite wonderful to run a workshop where everyone starts moving in
slow motion and gets the experience of this sensation of allowing experience to happen instead of forcing it!
Ehmka, who lives in a tantric community in Austria, recommends doing this exercise
on your own for 20 minutes and then with a partner. Start by sitting or standing together with your eyes closed, making low sounds and being still until you get motivated to move (called inner guidance). As impulses come, you can touch each other
gently, curl up together, or over time get more vigorous even to the point of screaming—as long as it’s not a preconceived or automatic motion. “After this practice,
measure on a scale of 0 to 10 how joyfully empowered you feel,” says Emhka, “I guarantee the more you do it, the higher will be your rating.”


Chapter 8 ➤ Practices for Beloveds to Reach Bliss

Advanced Body Exploration
There are endless secrets hidden in your body temple, to be uncovered though your
tantric practices, either alone or with your partner. Don’t be afraid to show yourself.
Even if you have been making love for years together, or doing tantric practices, your
partner’s genitals might still be a mystery. Here are some exercises that go a step further than the body explorations and physical sharing that I have mentioned in previous chapters.

Her “Yoni Show” for Him
This exercise is an ultimate act of trust and intimacy. It’s also very exciting—
physically and energetically—to allow your partner to truly see you inside. Most
women are embarrassed about how they look in their most sacred space: their vaginas.
In this exercise the woman is given tremendous encouragement to display her most
private, sacred temple for her beloved. It must be preceded by many of the rituals described in Chapter 7, “Setting the Stage for Your Tantric Nights of Pleasure,” so that
she is extremely relaxed and feels adored by his bathing and massaging her. She then
either disrobes or he lovingly disrobes her. As I’ve emphasized, he must ask permission to see her. At her own pace she reveals her most private parts, using her fingers
to direct his attention and open her lips more.
Some couples worry that this exercise will be too
clinical—like a medical examination—but actually, if you have prepared together using tantric
breathing, it is inevitable that the mood and
spirit will be one of loving rather than objectivity.
If you feel objective, do not criticize yourself.
Realize that this is a way of controlling any fears
or self-consciousness. Breathe deeper and let these
feelings transmute into more calm, connected
This exercise could evolve to another activity; for
example, a demonstration of how she likes to be
pleasured, or more free-flowing play leading to a
tantric sexual interaction. However, there should
never be a goal, as the purpose of the exercise is
for her to be relaxed.

Tantra Tales
When Matt and Julie did this exercise, she was excited for him to
truly see her but extremely
frightened and embarrassed. With
his reassurance, she could continue, slowly opening her thighs.
“I needed to hear him say that
he really wanted to see,” she
said. Once he did, she was more

His “Love Arrow Show” for Her
In tantric sex, lovers always take turns at different activities, usually with the woman
going first. After her show of her sacred gates to heaven to him, it’s his turn to show
her his lingam (the “jade stalk” that can enter her gates of heaven). As with other


Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex
exercises, remember not to have any expectations or make any demands, but to simply enjoy the experience with a spirit of curiosity and adoration. As mentioned for
her yoni show, his love arrow show is best preceded by many of the rituals described
in Chapter 7.

Making Sacred Water Magic
Water serves many purposes in tantric sex practices—it’s cleansing, healing, playful,
and a turn-on. I’ve already mentioned in other chapters many ways you can pleasure
each other in the bath or shower. For example, you can do many of the breathing exercises, eye lock, and heart hold. Sit in the bathtub in yab yum position with genitals
close together. Breathe slowly and rock your pelvis toward each other on your exhale.
Do this for a few minutes.
There are also some interesting techniques some tantric experts use to awaken powerful energies in water. For example, California tantra teachers Steve and Lokita Carter
are experts in a bodywork technique called Watsu Water Shiatsu, in which the receiver
is cradled, stretched, and slowly moved in warm water, interspersed with intervals of
stillness. The resulting experience can be a wonderful combination of feeling loved
and peaceful. But powerful emotional releases can also happen (I know from experience!).
While working with an expert is certainly helpful to work through any strong emotions that arise, couples can do a more elementary variation of this technique together. Next time you have the chance to be in a pool of warm, still water (a moving
sea or cold ocean won’t work since you have to be relaxed) you can try this exercise
that the Carters recommend. (As in every exercise throughout this book, always greet
each other first with loving words and compliments.) Take turns, in water about waist
deep. For example, the man stands in the water and helps the woman lean backward
in the water. He gently sways her from side to side, holding her by the ribcage or
hips, keeping her nose out of the water and pressing her sex center (yoni) to his genitals or belly. (It’s a nice addition to put a water pillow under her head, leaving his
hands free to gently stroke her chest, belly, and sex center.) Change places. When
you’re done, thank each other for this special time.

Staying in Bliss: The Afterplay
What if neither of you wants to fall into that post-sex syndrome in which he falls
asleep and she lies there unfulfilled? Tantra teacher Robert Frey has a favorite tantric
solution for this dilemma, which he calls the afterplay, to keep you in bliss.
After ejaculating, says Frey, keep the lingam in the yoni and sit up in the yab yum position. Take a deep breath in and picture drawing that powerful energy of the ejaculation up the spine, like heat rising. Then picture a golden light or mist coming down
the spine as you exhale.


Chapter 8 ➤ Practices for Beloveds to Reach Bliss
Frey suggests doing this for up to a half an hour—and promises that if you do, you
could build into a profound full-body orgasmic state for both of you. “Both the man
and the woman may have several additional orgasms, simply from being completely
turned on by the power of the circulating energy,” he explains. In this way, afterplay
means there really isn’t any “after,” because bliss just keeps on coming.

The Least You Need to Know
➤ Bliss is an ecstatic feeling of connection with a loving energy that expands inwardly and outwardly.

➤ Simple exercises can create intense pleasure and deep connection; for example, looking deeply into each other’s eyes, sending energy through each
other’s hearts.

➤ Stimulate all your senses for a truly all-consuming experience; explore tastes,
smells, sights, sounds, and touches.

➤ Each of us has particular thoughts, sounds, or symbols that can trigger sensuous
feelings; know what these “love triggers” are for yourself and for your partner.

➤ The most blissful sexual experiences can happen when you do not force any
actions, but rather when you are still and allow the urges to move to come
from within (what I call “sex in the flow lane”).

➤ Instead of abruptly ending your lovemaking, stay in bliss by taking deliberate
actions to stay connected.


Chapter 9

Through Blocks
to Bliss
In This Chapter
➤ How issues from the past can interfere with your practice of tantric sex—
and with your life in general

➤ The importance of making time together
➤ Releasing intense emotions
➤ Getting past desperation, obsession, and anxieties
➤ Balancing your male and female energies
➤ Lifestyle practices that keep you healthy

On any new path of self-discovery, self-improvement, or spirituality, you can make exciting discoveries about yourself and the world around you. However, as you make
changes in yourself, your relationships and your lifestyle, blocks can arise from resistance, conflicts, or anxieties. These blocks can come from unresolved problems in your
past, partnerships, or even your upbringing. You need to be free of these blocks so you
can experience ecstasy not only in love but in all areas of your life.
There are many therapeutic techniques that offer help. I use a wide variety and combination of these in my workshops, and with private patients as well as in my work giving advice on radio, TV, and the Internet. In this chapter I’ll address some tools and
techniques that will be especially helpful in solving conflicts and clearing emotional
blocks so that you’ll be free to explore the tantric sex path.

Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex

When Big Emotions Burst Forth
Sexuality is a powerful force, and these tantric sex practices generate intense sexual
arousal! As a result, it makes sense that you could confront some strong previously
suppressed issues. It can be scary when upsetting feelings emerge unexpectedly, but
it’s important to allow them to come up and resolve them. Instead of repressing problems or traumas, welcome the opportunity to work through them. Trust that their appearance means that you are ready to deal with them. To ease your fear, seek the help
of a trained person; ideally a tantric master also schooled in psychotherapeutic and
clinical techniques.
To release blocks caused by unresolved issues in your past, some tantra teachers include what’s called emotional release in their workshops. Deep-seeded emotions stored
in the body can be freed through particular patterns of breathing and movement. A
partner can also act as a witness and guide. It’s amazing to be in a workshop, such as
the ones held by those of us trained in the techniques of Tantrika International (see
Appendix B, “Workshops, Web Sites, Teachers, and Tantra Communities”), in which a
roomful of people are lying on the floor, doing pelvic rocking, breathing, and making
sounds, when suddenly a large number of people connect with intense past experiences. Some people might be joyful and laughing, while others express explosive or
angry outbursts when they remember a past experience that made them feel that way.
Not all emotional releases are loud or connect with pain; I’ve had many that are calm
and blissful. One of my emotional releases was so powerful that I began to see colors
radiating from my body, leading to a feeling of jubilance. Some lead to astounding,
physically obvious transformations. When facilitating one woman in an emotional release, I witnessed her transform from looking sad and haggard to looking joyful and
20 years younger!
Transformation as a
result of an emotional
release process.


Chapter 9 ➤ Breaking Through Blocks to Bliss

Making Time for Each Other
I often hear couples complain that they have no
time for sex. Everybody is too busy and other priorities can push quality tantric time together to
the back burner, so it’s important to find practices
you can realistically do together to keep the energy
flowing between you. Here are some simple practices you can do that don’t require much time
but that create an intimate connection in your

Couple’s Morning Blessing

Blocks to Bliss
Critics of emotional release, such
as tantra teachers Mark Michaels
and Patricia Johnson, maintain
that emotional release exercises
focus on potential pain, which
they say can become a selffulfilling prophecy. They assert
that tantric practices themselves
are healing, and deeper work is
best left to professional

Tantra teacher Robert Frey suggests doing this
daily morning practice with your partner before
getting dressed for your day. Begin by sitting on
your knees facing each other. Bow to each other
with hands in prayer pose. Take 10 deep belly
breaths in unison, the first five with eyes closed,
and the second five making eye contact with your
partner. Take turns saying the following blessing to
each other, with a breath between sentences and three breaths with eye contact between turns (writing these words on a 3 × 5 index card can be helpful). Feel free to
improvise and make up your own words for this blessing:

I recognize you as an important ally for me, and I am grateful that you are in
my life. I feel blessed to be co-creating with you. My life is enriched by knowing
you. I want you to feel fulfilled, victorious, happy, and at peace today. I wish
for you love, wisdom, creativity, and a flowing, meaningful experience today.
I love you.
After you have both said the blessing, take three more breaths while maintaining eye
contact and end with a bow, hug, and kiss. Further conversation is optional; usually
the best choice is simply to get up and move on with other activities, with your
beloved in your heart.

The Ten-Minute Connect
In his workshops and book on conscious loving, Charles Muir poses a solution to
couples who don’t connect due to lack of time or interest—a simple exercise called
the “10-minute connect.” I have often heard Charles emphasize how couples should
do this connect even if they don’t feel like it because it keeps the love flowing. He’s


Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex
A loving 10-minute

Here’s how to do the 10-minute connect, along with two other simple exercises you
can do to connect with your partner:
➤ The 10-minute connect The couple takes 10 minutes at some point in the
day, preferably at the beginning or end, to lie quietly together, just feeling each
other’s energy. This can be in a spoons position, with synchronized breathing.
➤ The 10-minute sharing Take 10 minutes to talk about what happened in your
day, how you feel, anything that is on your mind.
➤ The 10-minute acknowledgment Take 10 minutes to tell each other what
you most appreciate about each other. Recognition makes us feel alive and
The sharing and acknowledging connects can be done in addition to the silent 10minute connect, or at another time in the day whenever you can both give each
other your complete attention.

Diffusing Your Anger
It’s inevitable that at times you and a partner will get angry at each other, but instead
of storing that anger or confronting it head on, tantra offers another option. The
lion’s play is an exercise that California tantra team Steve and Lokita Carter find
highly effective for couples who have tension between them. Put your hands together
and roar loudly like a lion, and push on each other’s hands with equal strength. It
might sound silly, but try it! After a few minutes even the most skeptical of you will
probably start laughing. Keep it up until you and your partner are both laughing and
watch your anger dissolve.


Chapter 9 ➤ Breaking Through Blocks to Bliss
The lion’s play exercise
can help diffuse anger.

Overcoming Feelings of Separation
Tantra is about connecting; therefore, when you are in pain or feel a block impeding
the progress of your practices, you are probably experiencing some degree of separation. You could be feeling separated from your own self, from your beloved, from
your work, from your family, or from the world in general; indeed you might know
that terrible feeling of being isolated or not belonging. Tantric practices heal this separation by opening your heart.
Think of the ways you create a feeling of being
separate from others: judging yourself, judging
others, or having unrealistic expectations. In my
classes and workshops I lead people through
experiences of separateness and connectedness by
facing each other and saying “I feel separate
from you when I …”; then saying “I feel connected
to you when I ….” This gets you in touch with
how you create those feelings, and empowers you
to choose which situation to create.

Balancing Your Male and
Female Energies

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Any time you protest that you
don’t have the love you want in
a relationship, consider how you
might be creating the blocks
yourself. Perhaps you are not
ready to receive the love you say
you want.

In Chapter 2, “The Basics: Yes, Yin Yang, Yoni,
and Yab Yum,” I explained that uniting male and
female energies is key to tantric practice. Sometimes blocks come from the inability to
balance these energies, which throws you off balance and causes tension or incompatibility between you and your partner.

The Sexual Relations Review
As a therapist for over two decades, I certainly know how past relationships affect
present ones. Painful pairings keep us panicked about their repetition. In my previous


Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex
books, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dating and The Complete Idiot’s Guide to a Healthy
Relationship (see Appendix C, “Tantric Tools”), I presented many exercises to get free
from “the ghosts of the past.” Do those exercises to see how patterns in your past relationships affect your present ones.
The following exercise is based on the tantric principle that imbalances in male and
female energies in relationships can cause incompatibilities that you might not even
be aware of. For this exercise, consider “male” and “female” to be whatever comes to
your mind that defines those qualities. Use the following table to review past important relationships and see which partner has demonstrated more male or female energy, or whether these have been balanced. Rate the degree of male or female energy
on the scale by putting a mark on the line closest to the description. Include what
your parents’ relationship was like, and several relationships that have been important to you, even if they have not been overtly sexual. Note in the space provided
what happened in the relationship (we broke up, I was dissatisfied, he left me, I left
him, we fought, and so forth).
Notice whether you are repeating your parents’ pattern (for example, if you are a
woman and rated your mother and yourself as extremely “female” and your father
and your partner as extremely “male”). Also notice from the chart whether you consistently pick partners with similar energy, and whether they are similar or opposite
to the energy you bring to the relationship. Knowing your pattern in important relationships gives you more freedom to choose to change it, either by changing yourself,
or by choosing another type of partner next time. Notice your emotional reaction to
the relationships. Were you happy about or annoyed by the female or male characteristics of a person?

Tantra Tales
Juliette found Damian sweet and attentive during their first dates. But after a while his
high voice and tentative manner annoyed her. When he looked at her like a hurt puppy
or begged her to come to bed she would snap at him. She found herself longing for her
ex-boyfriend who had a much deeper voice and was more strong-willed. She couldn’t put
her finger on the problem until she realized from doing the Partner Sexual Review that
Damian was being too “female” (or yin) for her taste, while she rated two ex-boyfriends
higher on the “male” scale. In her therapy sessions with me, Juliette realized she had to
become more balanced in her own male and female energies to attract a man who was
similarly balanced.


Chapter 9 ➤ Breaking Through Blocks to Bliss
The Sex Relations Review: Getting the Yin and Yang of It

Degree of Male or Female Energy
A great
deal of

male and



A great
deal of

My mother:
My father:
Any other significant
parental figure:
(fill in):
My partner 1
(fill in):
Me with partner 1:
What happened in the
relationship? (describe):
My partner 2
(fill in):
Me with partner 2:
What happened in the
relationship? (describe):
My partner 3
(fill in):
Me with partner 3:
What happened in the
relationship? (describe):


Seven Ways to Balance Sexual Energy
Once you become aware of your male and female energy from doing the Sexual
Relations Review, how do you balance them (as in Juliette’s case)? All the tantric practices mentioned in this book help you to do that. Be patient; this achievement takes
time. Meanwhile, here are several simple ways to balance those energies:
➤ Nostril breathing You can control the balance of your male or female energy
by choosing which nostril to block or open. To stimulate more male (yang)


Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex
energy (active, analytical, assertive), block your left nostril and breathe only
through your right nostril. To stimulate more feminine (yin) energy (receptive,
passive, nurturing), block your right nostril and breathe through your left nostril. You can also turn your head to the left to be more in your male energy; this
assists in breathing through your right nostril. Turn to the right to activate more
female energy.
➤ Alternate nostril breathing This is a common exercise in yoga classes. Sit quietly. Put your right index finger on your third eye and rest your thumb and middle finger on your nostrils. Exhale forcefully and then close one nostril with
your finger and inhale through the other nostril to the count of seven. Then
close that nostril while releasing the other nostril and breathe through the open
nostril to the count of seven. Without pausing, continue alternately closing and
opening the nostrils as you breathe. In more advanced practice, you would contract the PC muscles (see Chapter 5, “Prep Your Body Temple of Love”) to create
more force in the breath.
➤ Use different sounds Chant “om” to stimulate more male energy and “aum”
for more female energy. Then chant the two sounds alternately for several minutes until you feel the sounds are merging.
➤ Focus on symbols of male or female The Star of David, commonly identified
as a symbol of the Jewish religion, is actually a mediation design, with the two
intersecting triangles symbolizing the male and female, mind and body. The
points on the Star of David also symbolize the sex organs, with the penis and
vagina at the upper and lower tips, the breasts at either end of the top line, and
the testicles at either end of the lower line.
The Star of David.


Chapter 9 ➤ Breaking Through Blocks to Bliss
➤ Walk a mile in his or her shoes In my workshops I often invite the class to
purposefully walk around the room as if they were a stereotypic male and then
walk purposefully like a stereotypic female. (This often leads to most amused reactions and amusing demonstrations!)
➤ Focus on colors Because male energy is cool, logical blue, and female energy is
emotional, passionate red, surround yourself with either color. Mentally focus
on red or blue, look at an item colored red or blue, or purposefully put on red or
blue clothing.
➤ Move your body To draw in more male energy, sweep your hands out from
your sides over your head, into the sky; looking up, imagine calling in the energy from the sky. For more female energy, bend down slightly and scoop the
energy up from mother earth and into your heart. In a variation of this, use just
the right arm to sweep the sky and the left hand to sweep the earth while keeping the other hand on whatever energy center you want to empower.

Frustration Over Who’s on Top
Many relationships are about control and battles of control. In tantric terms the center for control is in the third chakra (the area below the belly). To resolve control battles in your relationship, do exercises related to this center. Pick exercises in this book
and hold your hand on your power center as you do the exercise. For example, you
could do eye gazing with your partner and put your left hand on your power center
to receive more power. Breathe. Then bring your right hand up and out to your partner as a symbolic gesture that you are expressing your power and right to be heard.

Getting Past Desperation and Attachment
Part of any spiritual path is to reach a state in which you are not attached to anyone
or anything. You might know this feeling of desperation or clinging to a partner. For
Janine, it pushed all past lovers away from her. She admitted to me, “They all said I
was too needy.” One way to ease this feeling of desperation is to understand it.
Review in your mind about your past with your parents to see whether they abandoned you (in which case you are still panicked over being left) or suffocated you (so
you felt used). These dynamics can make you resist intimacy out of fear of repeating
abandonment or suffocation.
Besides understanding, the following two tantric practices might help:
➤ Breathe deeply When you feel needy, before you do or say something that
grasps at someone, take a deep breath, letting the sound come out loudly as you
exhale. Let the energy go through your body and out of you.


Part 2 ➤ Getting Started in Sacred Sex
➤ Ground yourself Feel yourself rooted to the floor. Stand with feet comfortably
apart and bend your knees slightly. Bounce up and down (be careful not to put
pressure on your knees!), taking deep breaths that go into your first chakra, the
center that symbolizes security. Feel rooted to the ground like a tree. Doing this
helps ground you so you feel more secure, safe, and more your own person.
When you are breathing deeply and feeling grounded, you won’t grasp at a partner.

Purging Panic and Obsessions

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Try this favorite breathing variation of mine: Put your thumbs in
your ears and your fingers on the
top of your head. Listen to the
sound of your breathing. (This is
one of the wonders I discovered
while scuba diving. It accomplishes a womblike relaxation.)

Fears and anxieties that can lead to panic attacks, and
repetitive distracting thoughts that become obsessions,
are not only distressing but take you out of the
moment—yet, as I’ve discussed throughout this book,
all tantric practices require you to be present in the
moment. To overcome this, you need to create being
present. To achieve this, use the two techniques in
the previous section to get past desperation and
attachment. Other breathing techniques are helpful,
like exhaling for a longer time than inhaling.
Focus on what is present in the moment. Ask yourself,
“What is present now?” “And now?” “And now?”
When you catch yourself fretting about the past or
worrying about the future, keep asking, “What is present now?”

Tantra Tutorial
Rebirthing is an advanced (and controversial) technique that can help people cleanse
the pain during their birth by reliving the experience. People play certain roles (for example, the mother) to facilitate the process and to offer support and structure. In some exercises, the love partner is present. Because the process involves regression and birthing,
some practitioners submerge the receiver underwater. Rebirthing should be done only
under the supervision of people trained in this process because it can bring powerful
emotions to the surface that must be processed and worked through.


Chapter 9 ➤ Breaking Through Blocks to Bliss

More Ways to Clear Blocks
In addition to you mind, blocks can be cleared through working on your physical
body! One way is to clear blocks physically is through exercise and the practices described in Chapters 5 and 15. You might already
know the experience of being able to clear your
mind and work out your problems with physical
Blocks can also be cleared through working on
your nutrition. What are your eating habits? There
is convincing evidence that food affects our
moods. Could you be eating foods that are creating
trouble (too much sugar, not enough protein)?
Also, evaluate whether you have any food allergies.
Investigate eating plans that could be more
healthy for you. Ask friends, read about nutrition,
or consult tantra teachers and other tantra students you meet about what they do.
I have mentioned that some tantric practitioners
do a cleanse as part of their health routine, in
which they drink only juice for a period of time or
follow other eating plans to clear their digestive
system. Removing toxins from your system in this
or other ways can also help unblock emotions.

Blocks to Bliss
Uncovering emotions should
always be taken seriously.
Although any loving person can
assist and witness, it is important
to be cautious. Consult a qualified therapist if you feel you
have any distress that persists a
few weeks or to answer your

The Least You Need to Know
➤ Blocks to reaching states of bliss can come from feeling separated from others,
storing up anger, and obsessive thoughts—all of which can be eliminated
through processes like emotional clearing and tantric breathing techniques.

➤ Misunderstandings and tension between you and a partner can be eased by resolving to spend even short amounts of time together to exchange acknowledgements and blessings.

➤ Simple breathing and meditative techniques can help you balance male and
female energy in yourself and in your relationship that cause incompatibilities.

➤ Although many blocks to bliss can be eliminated, it is important to seek professional help when problems are persistent or deep seeded.


Part 3

Making Major Progress on
the Path to Ecstasy
Now that you know all the basic steps toward bliss and have cleared away roadblocks
on your journey to joy, you’re ready for the “best nights ever”—truly!
Get set for great experiences in this part, as you learn step by step exactly what to do
to treat your partner to unforgetable nights of pleasure. Best of all, you’ll learn how
you can make it last as long as you want using effective practices that lead you to
extended lovemaking and more orgasms, and better than that—much more love. This
requires a shift in your ideas about sex and orgasm, though; so get ready for some new
ways to look at lovemaking. And get fit in the process, as I show you some wonderful
workout routines that will make your journey with your partner more fun and keep
you physically and spiritually in tune.

Chapter 10

Giving Her the
Best Nights Ever

In This Chapter
➤ Preparing to please your goddess
➤ What to do on the first of her nights of pleasure
➤ What to do on the second and third pleasure nights, and beyond
➤ What to say and which specific pleasure techniques to use
➤ The possibility of love liquid flow
➤ Giving her what she really wants and needs

It’s time for the culmination of all the work you have done in the previous part of this
book: his and her nights of pleasure, when the partner promises to be totally present
to please the beloved. It’s delicious and ever so much fun—and yes, a little scary; but
I’ll guide you through the steps so that you’re bound to have an amazing time and
look forward to the next.
The goddess gets her turn first, consistent with ancient worship of the goddess and
the Taoist tradition of the male “consort” as servant to his goddess, considering her
satisfaction ahead of his own. In this chapter I speak directly to the man as giver, but
of course the woman will want to read closely to see what’s in store for her as receiver.
In the next chapter she’ll be the one orchestrating his night of pleasure. For now,
men, it’s your turn to please your goddess.

Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy

The Value of Taking Turns at Pleasure
Taking turns at pleasing and being pleased might sound programmed, but the technique has proven successful in many sex therapies. I’ve recommended it for years, as
it is highly effective; particularly because so many women worry, “When is my turn
up?” and “Have I taken too much time?” and because many men fret, “Have I performed well?” and “Have I really pleased her?” Taking turns is crucial in some tantric
lovemaking practices to allow full focus on either giving or receiving without worrying about taking too much time, being selfish, or your partner getting tired.
Ultimately, when the energy of lovemaking is truly flowing, the partners are so intertwined that it’s hard to distinguish who is giving and who is receiving. Body parts
and souls merge into one and into universal consciousness. The receiver and giver
blend into one.
Choose one night when she will be the total receiver and you will be the full-on
giver, attending to her every need and delight. Choose another night when it is your
turn to receive all of her undivided attention.

What Do Women Really
Ecstasy Essentials
Of course, your pleasure time
together does not have to be
nighttime. It can be any time of
day—morning, afternoon, or
evening. Whatever suits your

What do women want? It’s the question the famed
psychoanalyst Freud asked, and that men have been
asking for ages. When you’re a tantric man, you really
know. Even if you have any doubts, you won’t after
this chapter, which shows you exactly how to please
your woman. In short, women want caring, attention,
and love. The tantric man is committed to giving that.
How can you make sure this night is different from all
other nights? Let’s go over the five basic steps to prepare you to receive your beautiful goddess and then to
please her.

Step 1: Set Your Intention
“Winging it” on a date can get some good results, but you’re better off if you deliberately plan a good time. Write your intention here:
What I want to happen tonight:

Go back over your intention and make sure it has some encouraging, positive statements in it, such as “I want to make her feel good.” Make your intention even more
positive: “I want her to have the most memorable evening ever.”


Chapter 10 ➤ Giving Her the Best Nights Ever

Step 2: Remind Yourself That This Is Her Night
This is one of the most fulfilling aspects of tantric practices. It means that you are totally devoted to your goddess on this night. It’s not about your tension at the office,
your aching back, and your aroused erection; in fact, clear your mind of those worries. Notice how you feel (irritable, nervous, excited, confident) and what physical state you are
in (tired, energized) so that you can focus on your
role—being there to please her.

Step 3: Be Prepared to Serve Your
For some men this is the first time they have considered this concept: serving the woman 100 percent. She will not bring you the newspaper, put
your socks in the laundry, or lick your lingam. It’s
not easy to be totally selfless, but it’s worth it to
make this night work and to earn your own—and
her—deepest appreciation.

Tantra Tutorial
Men who are used to concentrating on themselves have to remember that they’ll have their
turn on “his night,” when he’ll
be the focus. This is described in
Chapter 11, “Giving Him the
Best Nights Ever.”

Step 4: Face Your Fears
“What will she expect of me?” “What if I can’t take this much intensity of feeling?”
“What if this means I have to be like this or even better next time and I can’t live up
to it?” “What if I don’t do it right?” These all are natural feelings that you need to
recognize and face now, so you can be clear of them as you go deeper in your loving
connections and sexual pleasuring. Being clear now will allow you both to enjoy the
evenings and look forward to more. In true tantric
style, let fears come up, feel any reactions (tight
chest, weak knees), and breathe through them.
They will pass and the anxiety will transmute into
energy, which leads to being turned on. What a
wonderful twist!

Step 5: Decide How You Will Call
On Her
Notice I use the phrase “call on,” a dating term
from the 1930s, to purposefully evoke the gentleman style (as gentlemen “came calling”); it works
well for this first night of pleasure.

Blocks to Bliss
Some men might be thinking,
“When do we get to the sex?”
Hold on, that’s why you’re on
this path: to relish all the delicious buildup, especially since
that’s what the goddess wants!


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy
Here are some ideas:
➤ Call her at work and tell her to meet you somewhere first. Pick a romantic spot,
or someplace where you know she’ll have fun (a concert, play).
➤ Arrange for her to do something that treats her first (like getting a manicure or a
massage at a spa).
➤ Tell her to meet you at home (where you will already have prepared a love nest).
Fill out the following, to help you prepare for her night of pleasure; then go over your
list and picture doing the steps in your mind:
Preparing for Her Pleasure Night
Where you will first meet (for dinner, a show):
Where you will end up (in your bedroom, at a hotel):
How you will invite and entice her:
What you will say:
What you will wear:
How the room will be set up:

Boudoir Basics
Women are bound to be impressed with a man who has put some effort into preparations, especially in the house, making the setting look romantic. Here are some tips to
set the stage for romance:
➤ Turn both the bathroom and the bedroom into a sensuous seduction scene. Use
scents (jasmine, rose, ylang-ylang), soft lighting (candles in purple shades to invoke female energy or blue shades to enhance size), and flowers (rose for female
genitals; hibiscus for fulfillment).
➤ Choose the music you are going to play. It’s usually a good idea to pick something sensuous and slow for this first evening (see the suggestions in Chapter
18, “Sex, Song, and Videotape”).
➤ Set out sensuous food and drink to surprise her during your pleasuring (chocolate kisses, fresh fruit slices, sparkling water).


Chapter 10 ➤ Giving Her the Best Nights Ever

Night of Pleasure 1: Promises to the Goddess
in the Pleasure Palace
Greet her at the door dressed in your god attire (silk pajamas, silk shirt and slacks),
freshly shaved and bathed. During the evening use words of endearment and reaffirm
your enthusiasm; for example:
➤ “This is your night.”
➤ “I am totally here for you, at your service, devoted to your pleasure.”
➤ “Take all the time you need.”
➤ “Be sure to tell me exactly what you want.”
➤ “I am enjoying tonight so much.”
➤ “It gives me such pleasure to be able to give
to you fully.”
➤ “You don’t have to do anything for me

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Women need to be reminded
that they can make requests and
that their partner is enjoying the
role of giver. Keeping asking
questions such as “What can I do
to make you feel good tonight?”

Tantra Tales
In Charles and Caroline Muir’s weekend workshops on Conscious Loving, his and her nights
are central to the couple’s pleasure. The sharing after their nights of giving is heartwarming
and inspiring. Many men report delight in serving their goddess. One man said, “I was so
proud to make her so happy”; another, “I never knew it could feel so good to give.”

Relaxing Her
Everyone needs to be relaxed before sex; in tantric practice, every step of the way is
sex. Remember that tantric lovemaking is about moving energy through the breath,
and being present in the body and in the moment. Here are several ways to help her
relax to achieve these goals:


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy
➤ Invite her to express her feelings. Encourage her to say whatever is on her mind.
She will be ecstatic at that suggestion alone! Invite her to vent about whatever
may be bothering her from her day to clear her mind so you can concentrate
fully on the good feelings between you. Venting feelings inevitably leads to a
release, which produces warm feelings toward the person who witnessed the
➤ Bathe her. Prepare a bath with scented bath oils. Pay particular attention to
washing her feet, an ancient tradition that shows respect and service. Bathing
also is meant for purification.
➤ Give her a massage. Once her mind is at peace, she is more ready to be touched.
Ask permission to massage her. Don’t worry that you are not a professional
masseuse, or that you don’t know anything about proper techniques. This is
about a gift of love through your loving touch; as long as your hands communicate love, the techniques are not important.
Massaging the goddess.

In giving her a massage, keep these techniques in mind:
➤ Always use a nondemand touch, which means you are not expecting your
touch to lead to intercourse. Touch just for her pleasure of being touched
and your pleasure in touching.
➤ Never take your hands off the body when you massage; always maintain
some physical contact to keep the person feeling safe and secure.
➤ Focus your attention on your touching, without allowing your mind to get
distracted into worries, fears, or plans.
➤ Be confident about what you are doing. Don’t fret that you are not touching her right; ask for feedback right away so you are reassured that she is


Chapter 10 ➤ Giving Her the Best Nights Ever
➤ Close your eyes, connect with your feelings, and tune in to her; let your
fingers do what you feel her body is asking for.
➤ Encourage emotions and be prepared for their release. Encourage her to
make sounds and move in any way that feels comfortable.
➤ Pay attention to often-neglected sensuous areas such as the palm, side of
the little finger, and base of the spine.
➤ Ask her what part she would like you to pay specific attention to. Linger
on that part.
➤ Send your love through your hands and all parts of you.
➤ Move her energy by focusing your attention to where you feel she needs it
(to her heart to be more open, to the power center around the midsection
to empower her, to her base chakra at the base of her spine for more security and grounding).
As I’ve emphasized, using a loving touch is all that matters in massage, but getting some training in techniques can add something extra. Buy books or videos
on erotic and tantric massage, such as those from expert Kenneth Ray Stubbs
(see Appendix C, “Tantric Tools”), or take a couples’ massage course together.

Night of Pleasure 2: Getting Closer
When something is pleasurable, why not repeat it? On a successive night that you
identify as her night, you can repeat the previous steps. Add something extra as a surprise, such as a small gift, new massage stroke, different music, or new outfit that you
wear. With each date you can get more intense about pleasuring her sex center and
her sacred space. Remember to do the following:
➤ Hold your hand on her sex center (yoni) and ask permission to enter her
sacred space.
➤ If you and your goddess are comfortable with it, use flowery words to label this
area (“your love cave,” “your flower garden,” “your secret love space”).
➤ Do the Double Love Blast. I use this term because he sends and she receives love
from both her sex and heart centers—just what women want: sex with love!
Send your love through your hand and into her “sacred cave” (a tantric term for
vagina), and through your breath into her heart.
➤ Ask to examine her body all over. Be enthusiastic (“I’m enjoying this”) and complimentary (“You look so beautiful”).
➤ Use different strokes to touch her sexual area inside and out.
➤ Keep looking in her eyes and encouraging her to look at you. Breathe together
to harmonize your energy.


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy
Sending love energy from
her sex center and his
heart into her heart.

➤ Add oral pleasure. A woman who has gotten over her shame or embarrassment
about her genitals can experience tremendous excitement from your lips and
mouth on her genitalia. She will feel truly adored and pleased. Be sure to tell her
how much you enjoy doing this. Include “polishing the pearl” (a tantric term
for oral stimulation of the clitoris), and exploring her sacred cave. Ask her what
kind of stimulation she likes.
Sending pleasure by polishing her pearl and
pleasing her sacred space
into her heart center for
total love connection.

The tantra man who can bring a woman to heights of oral pleasure is rightfully
pleased with himself. As one man told me, “I’m even happier knowing I can
please her than when I get satisfied first. Women think we’re all selfish but
we’re not!”


Chapter 10 ➤ Giving Her the Best Nights Ever
➤ Encourage her to pleasure herself. Before one
of her nights, encourage her to pleasure herself; then, on one of your dates, ask her to
show you what she does so you know exactly
how to please her. Likely she will concentrate
on her clitoris, using motions you should
study carefully so that you can repeat them.
Reassure her how much men enjoy watching
a woman do this.

The Resolution Phase

Ecstasy Essentials
Learn everything you can about
the clitoris, as it is an important
trigger for a woman’s pleasure.
Read The Clitoral Truth by
Rebecca Chalker (Seven Stories
Press, 2000) to ease into the
conversation about exploring exactly where this pleasure button
is, how far it extends into a
woman’s body, and how it becomes erect (like a lingam) when

In tantric sex, the resolution phase, or cool-down
period, is meant to continue the intimacy. Keep in
mind that women usually need more of a coolingdown period after intense lovemaking than men.
Of course, you both could be tired and want to
sleep; this is fine. But she might want to spend
some time dwelling in the moments of pleasure,
talking about how she feels or about what happened, and certainly would want you to be awake
enough to listen and share. Be sensitive to her
needs on these special nights and resist the desire to fall asleep. (Over time you can
better coordinate your timing in this phase, because you will have learned to control
your ejaculation and both of you will be able to continue cycling your energy.)
Some tips to accomplish this phase in ongoing delight:
➤ Assume the spoons position, in which one of you nestles into the chest of the
other, so you are essentially back to front.
➤ Continue the synchronized breath so you are breathing in and out at the same
time, staying in tune.
➤ Lightly tap on each other’s energy center—not enough to generate a great deal
of energy, as you both want to relax now, but enough to keep you both awake
and drinking in the delights of your experience.

Night of Pleasure 3: When Love and Love
Liquid Flow
Honoring the goddess takes on a special meaning on the night that she is ready to
allow you to explore her sacred space freely. Always start with giving her a loving
massage and repeat the steps in the instructions for the first two nights. Ask


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy
permission to pleasure her and to enter her sacred space. Using your finger, enter her
yoni gently, guided by her response. Use your middle finger to make a “come hither”
motion to stimulate the sacred space on the front wall of the vagina, one third of the
way up (commonly called the G spot, but actually an area, also called the goddess
space and sacred sector). The tissue might become a little rougher to the feel and expand, yielding more lubrication. If she responds with pleasure, you can become more
vigorous. As her excitement mounts, call out encouragement and quicken your
How to pleasure the
goddess space.

Always wait for her invitation. Do not enter her until she asks you to by words or actions. Then enter slowly, feeling each exquisite sensation. Move to her rhythm. Keep
reminding her to breathe. Keep reassuring her that you are enjoying yourself, that she
has all the time she needs, and that you appreciate her.
Remember to avoid having expectations about how she will respond. Some men feel
challenged to “make” a woman have a female ejaculation. Take the pressure off her,
just as you don’t want any pressure to perform! While any woman can ejaculate, not
all do, partly because the sensation immediately before often feels like the urge to urinate, which confuses women and makes them stop what they are doing. It’s also not
as easy as men’s ejaculation, because women (except those practiced in this art!) take
longer to get exited. Additionally, women really do have more emotional prerequisites
than men for letting go in orgasm.


Chapter 10 ➤ Giving Her the Best Nights Ever

Tantra Tutorial
Some sex therapists are skeptical about female ejaculate. However, researchers such as
Gary Schubach prove the earlier now-famous research of Whipple and Perry about the
existence of the G spot (see Schubach’s studies of female emission
from stimulation of the area he calls the G crest show it is a mixture of fluid from urethral
glands and ducts, and the bladder (although definitely not urine). The fluid seeps from
the urethral sponge tissue surrounding the urethra and exits the body from the urethral

The One Thing Women Need Most
In all my work with couples over the years and teaching women to have orgasm, the
one thing women mention as being most important to them is trust. A woman needs
to be able to trust that you care about her and that you love her. Obviously it would
be best if you really do love her—and then profess your love openly, honestly, and

The One Thing Women Want Most
Yes, it’s still about that four-letter word: love. Show your love abundantly at all times,
but especially on her night. Granted more women are becoming “liberated,” willing
to choose a sexual connection without intense emotion, but when it gets down to it,
women want to love and be loved. Fortunately, more men are willing to reveal that
they want this, too; on his night he can get that—and more.


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy

The Least You Need to Know
➤ A very rewarding and pleasurable tantric practice is for couples to alternate
nights devoted to each other.

➤ Prepare your night of pleasure for her beforehand by making the room and
yourself look special. Come up with your own ideas and ask her what she

➤ Pleasing her usually includes relaxing her with a massage and appreciating both
her body and her soul.

➤ Always start by harmonizing your energies and connecting at the heart level
before you progress to more sexual actions. A solid foundation of trust, loving,
and sharing will open her—and you—to pleasure.

➤ As you progress in pleasuring her sexually and more intimately, ask her permission and continue to send your love energy into her heart.

➤ Include oral pleasuring and pleasuring her sacred space, encouraging her to
allow the fullest extent of expression, including the possibility of a female


Chapter 11

Giving Him the
Best Nights Ever

In This Chapter
➤ The beginning of many nights of pleasure for him
➤ Helping him surrender to pleasure
➤ What to do on the second and third nights, and beyond
➤ What to say and which specific pleasure techniques to use
➤ Moving energy to his heart to create more love
➤ Lingam strokes to send him into bliss

She had her night in the previous chapter; now it’s his turn! In this chapter I’ll guide
you through several nights of pleasure for him. Of course, you can use the exercises in
this book to inspire you to design your own night of pleasure. I encourage you to use
your imagination—after all, tantra is about you expressing your inner self! Although I
speak directly to the woman in this chapter, since she is the giver, the man will want
to read about the delights in store for him as receiver. (Even though you both did this
exercise for “her night,” there will still be surprises for you.)
Remember, you are goddess to his god; Shakti to his Shiva. You are the embodiment
of all eternal beauty of women, the source of all nourishment, the essential other half
to complete his path to bliss. He is the embodiment of all that is eternal strength in
man, the source of light, an essential completion of your being on your path to bliss.
He is Zeus to your Hera, Lancelot to your Geneviere, Romeo to your Juliet (but no
tragedy, please!).

Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy

Night 1: Taking Your Man into Tantric Bliss
The first evening of pleasing your man will be only the beginning of many nights
of pleasure. Keep in mind that this night is different from the other nights you have
spent together. This night will incorporate the specific tantric rituals you have been
learning about in this book, including your preparation and what to do during the actual time between you.

Preparing Him for Pleasure
Blocks to Bliss
Of course you might be nervous
during this evening, doing something new, and worrying about
getting it right. Don’t be! In time
you will become more comfortable. It’s only important that you
are devoted to adding a new dimension to your lovemaking and

Decide on some surprises for your man, such as
where you will meet and how he will get there.
Make it original and special. For example, tell him
to meet you at a restaurant that you know has a romantic atmosphere. Call him and tell him where to
be. Be mysterious. Be yourself, or pretend to be a secret admirer. Dress in a way that you know will excite him.

Gather the items you’ll need for his night of pleasure so you are prepared (see Chapter 7, “Setting the
Stage for Your Tantric Nights of Pleasure”). This includes music, sacraments (wine, special drinks or
foods), and clothing. Prepare the pleasure den as
much as possible beforehand by arranging the furniture, adjusting the lighting, placing candles in the bathroom, and making any other preparations.
Fill out the following checklist—just as he did for your night of pleasure in the previous chapter—to prepare for his pleasure night. Go over your list and picture doing the
steps in your mind:
Preparing for His Night Checklist

Where you will first meet (for dinner, a show):
Where you will end up (in your bedroom, at a hotel):
How you will invite and entice him:
What you will say:
What you will wear:
How the room will be set up:


Chapter 11 ➤ Giving Him the Best Nights Ever

Tantra Tales
Although Patrice and Hank lived in New York for years, they had never taken a horsedrawn carriage ride through Central Park, one of the tourist attractions, and a romantic
experience. For his pleasure night, Patrice called Hank at the end of his work day and
said, “I’m waiting outside for you; come downstairs.” When he arrived on the street,
Patrice was in the horse-drawn carriage, waiting to whisk him away. As they cuddled
under the blanket in the cool air, Patrice promised him the evening was for him—and the
tantric pleasures that she had prepared for him.

Leading Him to the Tantric Love Temple
Once you’ve been out on the town, or whatever place your god enjoys, you are ready
to go back to the tantric love temple to begin the rituals of pleasure. Your tantric love
temple is whatever place you have decided you can have private time to enjoy your
tantric love ritual. Of course, you need to spend some time and energy on the

Preparing Him for His Night of Love
Once your man is in your sacred space, the next
stage of your pleasuring begins.

Step 1: Put Him at Ease
Make him comfortable by seating him in a soft reclining chair or laying him on a couch while you
go prepare his bath and yourself. Put on music he
enjoys to ease his mind; then dress in your goddess clothes. It is always a good idea to dress separately to create surprise when you see each other,
just as a bride and groom dress separately before
their wedding. Come out in your goddess clothes
and pose before him, allowing him to appreciate
your beauty.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
If you are at his house or another
place, prepare your goddess bag:
a traveling bag with your goddess
clothes and all the accoutrements you will need for his night,
including special music, candles,
and foods.


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy
You can also ask him to prepare himself in his clothes while you wait. Do this even if
you will be disrobing him either for his bath or for lovemaking. His dress-up makes
him feel the evening is special, and delights you when you see him.

Step 2: Bathe Him
As I’ve pointed out earlier, bathing is an important part of the tantric love ritual.
Escort your Shiva god into the bath with your most seductive smile. Tilt your head,
expose a thigh, drop a strap off your shoulder. Undress him, admiring every part of
his body.
Proceed with the bath:
➤ Suggest that he shave and then watch as he does, or do it for him, if he agrees
(carefully, of course!).
➤ Wash each part of his body including his feet and hair (if he agrees); this is especially erotic.
➤ Tantalize him by washing other parts before you get to his genitals. Run soapy
hands up and around his lingam and scrotum area, and the cheeks of his buttocks and gently around his first chakra (anal area).
➤ Make appreciative remarks about his body parts as you are bathing them.
➤ When you’re done, wrap him in a soft towel or bathrobe and walk him into the
bedroom or other room designated as your love temple.

Step 3: Enter the Love Temple
Lay him down on the bed, mat, or whatever you decide will be your love nest. Give
him a few minutes to relax in the space and get comfortable.

Step 4: Promise Him Pleasure
Tell him a few exciting promises about how the evening will go. Although men are
not always verbal—often responding to just action—tantric lovemaking stimulates all
the senses, which includes offering verbal statements about your love, what you want
to do, and reassurances. Men also often like to be in control, so giving him some cues
about what is happening and what will happen will probably make him feel more
relaxed. Say just enough to put him at ease but not too much; that would be a distraction or engage his mind. The idea of tantric sex is to feel in the body and quiet
the mind.
Use the following four R’s as guidelines:
➤ Reassure him Assure him that he does not have to perform or do anything to
please you. “You don’t have to do anything to please me. I’m here totally to
please you tonight”; “This night is totally for you.” As the pleasuring progresses,


Chapter 11 ➤ Giving Him the Best Nights Ever
add statements such as “You don’t have to have an erection or get excited, just
enjoy the feelings in your body.”
➤ Relax him Say, “I’m going to massage you to relax you and you just have to
lay there and enjoy the sensations. You can tell me what to do that you would
particularly like.”
➤ Relieve him Constantly tell him that you are enjoying what you are doing, so
he does not worry.
➤ Reward him Men (just as women) love to be acknowledged, so tell him how
delighted you are with him as a person. Compliment who he is and tell him
what you particularly like about his body.
Now that he feels relaxed and appreciated, you can begin more physical pleasuring.

The Tantric Shiva Massage, a Time to Surrender
A massage should always be part of a pleasure night. Nothing is more relaxing, or
makes a partner feel more open emotionally. Spend at least half an hour doing this.
Here are the key steps and points to remember about giving your Shiva a tantrically
superlative massage:
➤ Begin by laying him comfortably on his back on a flat but padded surface. Run
your hands smoothly over his body, then rest them along the top of his spine
and the base of his spine (this connecting the entire spine). What do you feel? Is
he warm or cold in one of those spots?
Cooler places may need more of your love
energy to warm them up.
➤ Warm his skin with lots of oil. Use your body
as much as your hands, rubbing your breasts
from his mouth down his belly. Tell him,
“You feel so good.” Rub his back and legs and
turn him over to pleasure his chest.
➤ Keep looking into his eyes and encourage
him to make sounds of pleasure.
➤ Open his heart. Run your hands from his sex
center (lingam) to his heart, transmuting his
sexual arousal energy into loving feelings.
This is what you want from him—and what
he wants for himself! Send your love through
your hands. Always be conscious and respectful that you are moving energy in the massage, bring his energy from his sex center up
into his heart.

Tantra Tales
Be aware that as your man lies on
his back (in a traditionally “female” receiving position), he may
feel vulnerable. Reassure him that
these feelings are natural, and
expect him to resist. Kelly found
all kinds of excuses (“I’m tired,”
“that’s enough”) but Joelly insisted they continue. As she
rubbed his stomach, he began to
cry, feeling never before opened
in this way or so loved.


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy
Using massage to draw
his sex energy into his

Languishing Over His Lingam
After you have massaged his entire body, you are ready to begin concentrating on his
lingam. Most men delight in being touched there. After a body massage, he might be
so excited when you touch his lingam that he feels the urge to ejaculate. In that case,
use the stop-start technique (see Chapter 12, “Make Lovemaking Last … and Last …
and Last”) and transmute the energy, so he gets a chance to dwell in the pleasure of
this part of the massage.
At this point reassurance is very important; reassure him he doesn’t need to get an
erection, only to lay back and enjoy it. There are more than three dozen strokes you
can choose from. All of the massage strokes that are relevant to the body massage can
be applied to the lingam massage. Keep in mind the different degrees of pressure,
firmness of your touch, and different touches: from smooth strokes to light, feathery
touches and from presses and squeezes to light scratches.
When pleasuring his lingam, tune in to his energy and the degree of touch he wants
at any particular moment. Vary your touches to surprise him and heighten the stimulation. Remember that in tantric lovemaking you are not trying to turn him on, get
him hard, or make him come, you are playing with and moving his energy. Be attentive, respectful, and aware of the power of this massage act as part of your union.
Consider these lingam love strokes:
➤ Start by delicately feathering the lingam by lightly brushing your fingers up the
shaft and around the tip.


Chapter 11 ➤ Giving Him the Best Nights Ever
➤ Do a traditional up-and-down motion, gripping the lingam fairly firmly (ask
him what pressure feels good for him).
➤ Move your hand up and down the lingam with your fingers working their way
up in a motion like a spider’s legs.
➤ Work your hand up and down the lingam, pulsing your hand as you move it up
a notch.
➤ Hold your hands with palms stretched out, press the lingam between your
hands, and twist the lingam inside your hands as you move your hands up from
base to tip as if kneading dough. This stroke is called rolling thunder.
Loving the lingam with
rolling thunder along
the shaft.

➤ Grip his lingam with one hand at the base—
this helps him keep his erection. With your
other hand, start at the base and run your
hand up the shaft and over the top of his
lingam, stopping to caress the head in a circular motion, and then run your hand down
the shaft again.
➤ Hold the lingam between your hands and
gently “toss” it from one hand to another.

The Second Pleasure Night

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Many men want women to be
more assertive in how they caress
their lingam. Ask what degree of
firmness he likes. Shift from more
yin (light, gentle) touches to
more yang (strong, firm) ones,
and vice versa.

Repeat all the steps you’ve learned so far, but add
some variation. Wear a different goddess outfit. Put
on different music (see Chapter 18, “Sex, Song,
and Videotape,” or Appendix C, “Tantric Tools,” for some ideas). Make love in a
different room or place, or decorate the room and bed differently.


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy

A Variation on Massage
For his second night, repeat the strokes and techniques he liked in the last massage
you gave him, then surprise him with new approaches or touches. Some more advanced massage techniques include:
➤ Don’t just use your fingers; use your palm, heel
of your hand, your breasts, even your feet.
➤ Insert his lingam between your breasts and press
your breasts lightly together. Move them up and
down and side to side.
➤ Brush your hair lightly against his body parts.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Always remind him to breathe;
when he gets excited he might
hold his breath (just as women
tend to do). This holding can be
helpful only if it is done in the
context of a tantric breathing
practice in which he is consciously moving his breath to
move his energy. Encourage him
to make sounds as a way to ensure that he continues breathing.

➤ Use longer strokes that start at the top or bottom of his body and end at his lingam, then
trace back to the extremities.

Include More Lingam Strokes
When Pleasuring

Here are some advanced strokes to try for pleasuring
your partner. Use lotion on both hands to make the
movements glide more smoothly and the sensations
more pleasurable. Some lotions become too sticky or
will irritate the penis, so experiment with different
kinds. Vaseline will feel good for him; just be sure not
to insert the lingam in the yoni unless this is wiped
off because it is not healthy for the chemistry of the vagina.
➤ Corkscrew Hold the lingam firmly at the base while the other hand slides
from the base to the tip with a twisting motion. Change hands and continue
the motion. Ask him how tight a grip he likes of your hands, and how vigorously he would like you to rotate your hands.
➤ Heady trip Hold the base of the lingam firmly as you caress the tip by making
circles. Alternate this caress with pulling the head up and twisting it gently.
➤ Polishing the helmet Move one hand up and down the shaft, as you cradle
the head in the center of the palm of your other hand and move that hand in a
circular motion.
➤ Palming the crown Hold the shaft firmly with one hand and rotate the tip
with the palm of the other. Move the hands so they change position.
➤ The lingam mudras Press two fingers lightly on two different parts of the
lingam, scrotum, perineum (the space between the scrotum and anus), and anal
opening. This runs powerful energy through his pleasure spots.


Chapter 11 ➤ Giving Him the Best Nights Ever

Loving the lingam by
holding the base and
caressing the tip.

Pleasing His God Spots
In popular jargon the woman has the infamous G spot—that spot inside the vagina
that is super-sensitive. Similarly, the man has sensitive G spots, hot spots or god areas.
On night 2—focus on his two external hot spots:
➤ The frenulum, which is the knob-like protrusion on the underside of the penis
where the tip meets the shaft.
➤ The perineum, located between the testicles and the anal opening.
On night 3 you can get to his internal god area. This can be done only when he is
more relaxed and prepared to get more intimate, because this type of stimulation will
raise many more feelings in him, possibly even resistance and fear. (I’ll discuss these
concerns in detail in Chapter 17, “Sexual Healing to Set You Free.”)

Building His Sexual Charge
To drive your man wild in tantric sex, build a sexual charge starting in his sex center
(lingam) and then assist him in sending this energy throughout his body. The techniques to do this have been described in earlier chapters in this book, but to review
them follow these steps:
➤ Sit together in yab yum position, or whatever position feels comfortable for you.
Do the synchronizing breath for five breaths and then the alternating breath for
five breaths, to get yourselves in tune.


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy
➤ Do your own PC pumps (bandhas) as described in Chapter 5, “Prep Your Body
Temple of Love,” to build a sexual charge in your yoni, so that when you cycle
your energy into his body, you will be sending intense sexual energy into
his body.
➤ Do five cycles of breath between you from your sex center through your power
and heart center and into his heart, and down through his power center and
into his sex center. Be conscious about how powerful this energy is.
➤ Do five fire breaths together, inhaling and exhaling vigorously through the nose.
➤ Ask him to do his PC pumps, squeezing his PC muscles on the inhale to build
the intensity of the energy, and letting go on the exhale, drawing the energy up
his body. Do this five times.

The Secret to Moving His Energy
As you are pleasuring him, concentrate on directing his energy to connect the sexual
charge from his genital area to other body parts, particularly his heart (to create more
love). Choose which part of him you feel needs energy or that you want to energize.
For example, if you feel he needs to be more sensitive at that moment, you can help
move his energy to his heart center. If you feel he needs to speak something at that
time, you can move his sexual energy to his throat center.
While stimulating his lingam with your right hand, move your left hand up the center of his body to his other energy centers. Send your breath into his lingam through
your right hand and trace the breath with your imagination as it goes up his body
into the chakra you have chosen, then out your left hand and into your body again.
Exhale as you send the energy into his body and inhale as you draw it into your body
to be recharged, creating a cycle. With these chakra connects, you can actually move
the energy up by sweeping your hands up his body. Adjust your own position from
sitting between his legs to sitting at his left (receiving) side, so you can reach his energy centers easily.
➤ Move your hand to his power center and gently hold your hand there. Keep
your other hand on his lingam. Encourage him to feel any feelings he might
have, including any sensations of power.
➤ Move your hand to his throat center and gently hold your hand there. Keep
your other hand on his lingam. Encourage him to feel any feelings that he
might have, including his ability to communicate and say what he wants.
➤ Move your hand to his brow center (third eye) and gently hold your hand there.
Keep your other hand on his lingam. Encourage him to feel any feelings he
might have or see any visions that may come.
➤ Move your hand to the top of his head and gently hold your hand there.
Keep your other hand on his lingam. Encourage him to have any feelings or


Chapter 11 ➤ Giving Him the Best Nights Ever
Be aware that as you touch these places on his body, he might feel flashes, bolts of
light, or electricity. This is because you are acting as a conductor of powerful energy,
facilitating its travel from one place to the other. Experiment with different touches
and ask him what he likes.

The Third Night of Pleasure
On each successive night of pleasure for him, repeat some of the previous techniques.
While you are pleasing his lingam, don’t forget other areas of pleasure:
➤ Stroke his inner thighs.
➤ Stretch his legs apart and squeeze the muscles that connect the thigh with the
genital area (the ones that seem to pop out when you stretch his legs). This feels
exceptionally good.
➤ Start at his belly button and “walk” your fingers down his body into his pubic
area, pressing his sensitive god spot located in the perineal area (as described
earlier in this chapter). Repeat the same steps in reverse.
➤ Pay attention to his testicles (be gentle) at the same time as the lingam.

Entering His Sacred Space
Now you’re ready to enter his sacred space—the anal opening that most men panic
over. They usually have never been touched there or fear the homosexuality they believe it implies. When he seems extremely relaxed, ask him, “May I enter you?”
Remember, always ask permission!
If he says no, go back to doing something he was enjoying. If he wants you to continue, rest your finger at his opening. Encourage him to breathe, allowing whatever
feelings come up. Cover the area and your finger with lots of oil. Hold your finger
steady, and let him push against you showing his readiness. Entering slowly, he can
tense his anal muscles and release them against your finger. Remember to go very
slowly. Allow him to guide the degree, speed, and depth with which you stimulate
him. Rest your finger inside in a still fashion.

Exploring and Exciting His God Spot
Once he is more comfortable with being entered in his sacred space, read his signals
about when to be more vigorous and experimental with how you please him there.
➤ Add manual pleasure with your other hand to his lingam and scrotal area while
you are pleasing his sacred space.
➤ Add oral pleasure to his lingam and scrotal area while you are pleasing his
sacred space.
➤ Move the energy with your other hand to his other energy centers as described
previously for night 2.


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy
➤ Let your fingers explore his sacred space by varying the depth and type of
touch. Let your fingers sweep inside his sacred space, imagining a clock inside
and sweeping from 10 o’clock to 2 o’clock.
➤ Press your palm against his perineum (external G spot) and anal opening to add
pleasure. Use your other hand to stroke his lingam up and down. With the tip
of your thumb gently and rhythmically stroke the frenulum, the sensitive underside at the tip.
Pressing a male G spot
for pleasure.

As you do these advanced stimulation techniques, remember to transmute the energy,
always drawing it up to his higher energy centers. Lightly “hum” into an area, or
blow warm breath onto it. The warmth of your breath and your love will surely warm
his heart besides making him excited all over.

The Least You Need to Know
➤ On his nights of pleasure, let him know that you are totally his servant; you
are there to please him, and he does not have to do anything in return.

➤ Prepare yourself (what you will wear, say, do) and your space for lovemaking,
then be spontaneous and create new delights.

➤ Build the types of stimulation in several steps so that he is able to receive
pleasure comfortably and without fears or anxiety.

➤ Build his sexual energy by pleasuring his lingam, and then direct that energy to
other energy centers, particularly his heart, to build more love between you.


Chapter 12

Last … and Last
… and Last
In This Chapter
➤ How tantric sex makes men—and sex—last longer
➤ What’s your reaction to quickie sex?
➤ Myths and facts about lasting longer
➤ The pros and cons of delaying ejaculation
➤ Sexual Kung Fu and other secrets of delaying ejaculation
➤ What the woman can do to help the man delay

Wouldn’t it be nice if you and your partner could have those long lovemaking sessions of your romantic fantasies? Suppose he could be alert and pleasuring her for
hours … wouldn’t she be delighted? And best of all, what if he could last as long as he
wants instead of having such a quick sexual high and then falling asleep? More and
more men have the same desire for long lovemaking and more pleasurable orgasms
for both of you.
The great news is that this height—and extended length—of his pleasure (which gives
her pleasure, too) is entirely possible through the secrets and practices of tantric sex.
Yes, men can make love for hours, once they know what to do; this chapter will tell
you how. Best of all, it’s not a difficult effort for him but a real pleasure for both of

Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy

How Long Is He Supposed to Last?
Several dimensions have been used to determine how soon is too soon for a man to
reach his peak, or how long he should last before ejaculating. Consider the following:
➤ Famous 1950s sex researcher Alfred Kinsey thought “too soon” was lasting only
two minutes.
➤ Statistics show that about 75 percent of men last between four and seven
➤ Because a woman needs about fifteen minutes to reach an excitement level that
takes a man only three minutes to reach, he would need to delay himself five
times the male average.
➤ The timing is based on the man’s ability to control his excitement level, not an
actual amount of time.
➤ Is the man (or his partner) upset about his performance? Is his partner satisfied
at least half the time? If the answers to these questions are no and yes, respectively, there’s no reason to worry.
Here’s the tantric take on how long a man should last: Both the man and his partner
should be satisfied—and they will be, when he learns control. Essentially it doesn’t
matter how long you have sex, as long as you are channeling energy between you in
a mutually satisfying way. But if you want to last longer, you can—and there are more
joys in store for you if you do so. Acquiring the skills found in this chapter will boost
your self-esteem sky high and delight your partner—
and you can choose to come whenever you please!

When It’s All Over Too Fast
Tantra Tutorial
Traditional Taoist belief demands
semen retention, claiming that
spilling sperm other than for
having children weakens the
man’s health and even provokes
anger toward women. Releases
are allowed once every three
days in spring, twice a month in
summer and autumn, and not at
all in winter, and only 5,000 in a
lifetime. But please don’t let
that you scare you!


It’s a complaint so many women have, as one woman
appearing with me on TV said, “An egg takes three
minutes, why does my husband?” She was referring to
the disappointment women feel when the sex act lasts
only about three minutes. When the man reaches orgasm so quickly and the woman is left unsatisfied it
has an effect on both partners that can be hurtful to
the relationship.

Her Reaction to Three-Minute
Remember that women have a different natural sexual
response cycle than men—she needs more time physically to get to the same level of pleasure. Women are

Chapter 12 ➤ Make Lovemaking Last … and Last … and Last
also stereotypically more emotional about sex—they want lovemaking to last longer
because they want the intimacy, communication, and closeness, both in foreplay and
afterplay (concepts not necessarily consistent with tantric sex, because all of lovemaking is the main act!). If the buildup and cool down are both cut short as it is when
the man reaches his peak in three minutes and then withdraws, and falls asleep, the
woman can have many reactions that are not healthy for her or the relationship.
The following list will help you evaluate your reactions to the length of time spent
lovemaking. Pick what best describes how you feel by putting a checkmark next to
that item in the Yes column; then think of another possible way you can react and
fill it in the column under the Instead I Can Feel This Way column. The idea is for
you to have an alternative way of reacting. Read over your reactions and what you
have written as new affirmations.
Her Reaction to How Long Lovemaking Lasts
Do I Feel …


Frustrated, unfulfilled,


Angry toward my partner?


(withdraw from sex)?
Responsible (like I
don’t turn him on)?


Less confident (lose


Abandoned and unloved?

Like I’m not attractive?


Like he’s probably having
an affair?


He’s selfish?


Like I’m too fat?

Instead I Can Feel This Way


His Reaction to Three-Minute Sex
Some men and their partners are okay with a short sexual experience. Some women
may not like sex much and are relieved to get it over with. This sadly cuts off her potential for pleasure, and reveals deeper problems that likely stem from childhood or


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy
earlier sexual experiences. However, if you know your partner wants to make love last
longer and you’re willing to find out how to do this, be reassured that this is possible.
Changes in a relationship happen most effectively when both people are motivated.
Even if men defend, rationalize, or joke about “quickies,” they are often unhappy
about not lasting longer. They might have fears, inhibitions, and past hurts that get
in the way (I’ll talk more about those and how to help heal them in Chapter 17,
“Sexual Healing to Set You Free”). The man who comes too quickly wonders to himself “What’s wrong with me?” He feels cheated out of a better experience, just as his
partner does. Worse yet, he feels out of control, as his body seems to take over, leading him quickly from excitement to ejaculation.
Now it’s the man’s turn to fill out the following checklist, this time focusing on his reactions to the length of time spent lovemaking. Pick what best describes how you feel
by putting a checkmark next to that item in the Yes column; then think of another
possible way you can react and fill it under the Instead I Can Feel This Way column.
His Reactions to Lovemaking Timing
Do I Feel …


Like I’m a bad lover?


Disgusted with myself?
Frustrated and angry?
Anxious, like my partner
will lose interest in me?
I’m to blame?
My partner is to blame?
Like I want to block it out
(try not to think about it)?
(withdraw from sex)?

Instead I Can Feel This Way


Review your list. Come up with alternate ways you can handle these reactions. For
example, instead of deciding you’re a bad lover, be hopeful that you can do something about it. Instead of refusing sex again, purposefully decide to try the exciting


Chapter 12 ➤ Make Lovemaking Last … and Last … and Last
and effective techniques I’ll discuss here. There is no reason to suffer disappointment
in sex any longer!
Compare what each of you said in your lists. Talk with your partner about your answers to better understand those reactions. Review what you both wrote in the column about how you could react more positively.

Why Men Come So Fast
You can’t always blame him for being a “three-minute man.” Men essentially train
themselves to respond quickly. This stems from childhood, when a young man learns
to masturbate quickly, so he won’t get caught by someone walking in on him in the
bathroom or his bedroom. If he was looking at sexy magazines or an X-rated video in
the family VCR, he’s even more in a rush—so his “naughty” act won’t be discovered.
This get-done-quick routine perpetuates even our computer age, when he could get
caught checking out sexy Web sites.
Another reason men peak fast—faster than women—is that they can. Messages in the
male brain go quickly to the sexual organs, and sperm is released quickly with the
contractions of the musculature. Once these behavior patterns are established, the
man has to be motivated to do the practices that will help him last longer. It takes effort and a change in beliefs. These include overcoming myths such as the following:
➤ Controlling ejaculation is not possible.

Wrong. It is possible!

➤ Holding back ejaculation is dangerous.
a gasket.”

Wrong. You won’t explode or “blow

➤ If he lasts a long time, he won’t be able to repeat the good performance.
Wrong. Of course, he will!
➤ It’s not pleasurable for the man to hold back.
still have pleasure?” is a resounding “Yes!”

Wrong. The answer to “Can I

No Expectations, Please!
Expectations are the absolute ruination of a man’s ability to enjoy sex. If the man
thinks he has to last long, his body will be sure to sabotage him and he will ejaculate
quickly. Emotionally he will also cut himself off from the pleasure, out of pressure
and resentment about how he is supposed to behave. Men typically expect that they
have to get it up quick and keep it up. The more a man expects he has to have an
erection, the harder it will be to have one; the more he thinks he has to last forever,
the quicker he will come.


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy

Tantra Tales
Mick found one night of pleasure so fulfilling, he shocked himself by admitting “I didn’t
even have to ejaculate at all!” It happened when he was performing oral sex on Noreen
and she was sending energy down her body and out her clitoris. The energy was so strong,
he felt it shoot throughout his body. He wondered, “How can I feel as good without
ejaculating as I feel when I do ejaculate?” He described to Noreen, “I felt bolts of electricity going through my head.” Without realizing it, Mick was receiving Noreen’s energy
and allowing the energy to cycle through him and go into his crown chakra (the reason
he felt the bolts in his head). The experience was so powerful, he did not need to ejaculate!

Ejaculation and Orgasm Are Different
The relationship between ejaculation and orgasm is crucial to how long a man lasts in
sex. Read the following two statements and circle whether you think they are true or
➤ True or false? A man can ejaculate without experiencing an orgasm.
➤ True or false? A man can have an orgasm without ejaculating.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
There is a place in tantric sex for
a “quickie,” as long as the couple
stays conscious of what they are
doing. Have a quickie if you
have no more time before work,
or get the urge before a dinner
engagement, as long as you both
feel connected and honored.


Both are true. Understanding that ejaculation and orgasm are two separate functions is crucial to the delight of tantric sex. A man can delay ejaculation or not
ejaculate at all, but still achieve orgasm—and not just
one orgasm, but many. Men can have multiple
orgasms, just like women. To understand this, one has
to understand the physiology of the man’s body.
The mechanism of ejaculation, like an erection reflex,
is triggered from the spinal cord (the sympathetic
nervous system). The penis responds to stimulation by
sending a message to the lumbar portion of the spinal
cord (the ejaculatory center) through the nerves. This

Chapter 12 ➤ Make Lovemaking Last … and Last … and Last
triggers contractions of muscles in the internal genital organs. Although, it all sounds
so automatic, the timing of the process can actually be controlled consciously.

The Stages of the Male Sexual Response Cycle
The traditional model of the male sexual response is composed of four stages:
➤ Excitement (increase in muscle tension and sex flush)
➤ Plateau (vasocongestion, pronounced muscle tension, increased respiration)
➤ Orgasm (reduced muscle control, increased heart rate, involuntary pelvic
➤ Resolution (reduced muscle tension within five minutes, loss of vasocongestion,
heart rate and blood pressure return to normal)
Other theories have added concepts such as desire, but none has taken energy into
account. In my model, the initial stage is one of attraction in which energy is being
stimulated. With continued interaction, the sensations build and are felt in various
parts of the body and mind. Tension rises in response to the energy. The energy
mounts and surges through the body, causing more general physical and emotional
alert. Using the tantric transmutations properly (using breath to direct the energy)
causes an overall sensation of both relaxation and excitement. In the next cycle, energy can go to either higher or lower levels, depending on how the person and partner play with the energy. The resolution phase is less abrupt than in traditional
models, as the energy can be moved into many surges.

Traditional Control Tactics
Traditional ways to help a man overcome premature ejaculation have included the
following techniques:
➤ Stop-start This technique was popularized by the famous sex therapist and research team of Masters and Johnson more than 40 years ago, but is still effective. The man stimulates himself to the point where he feels he will ejaculate
and then stops the stimulation. When he feels more in control, he starts stimulation again.
➤ Squeeze When he feels the urge to ejaculate, he applies pressure on the shaft of
the lingam, where the shaft connects to the head, with the thumb on the top and
the forefinger and middle finger on the underside, on either side of the bump that
is sensitive (the frenulum). When the urge subsides, he resumes stimulation.
➤ The testicle tug At the point of no return the man pulls his testicles down
(gently) to inhibit the ejaculation. This method is tricky and potentially dangerous (don’t pull too hard!), so try the others first, please.


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy
The man can do these techniques on his own or his partner can help. It’s best if he
learns on his own what works best for him and then teaches her. Give her precise
cues (sounds, movements) about what to do.

Ecstasy Essentials
One traditional technique to find the point of no return is the ladder, in which during
masturbation the man pays attention to his level of excitement as if going up and down
steps on a ladder, to pinpoint which step comes close to ejaculation (as if on a split
screen in his mind). He imagines climbing a ladder, looking ahead, and not falling off the
top. While he (or his partner) does whatever is stimulating, he switches his attention from
the sensation to another part of his body and asks, “Where am I now on the ladder?”
When he is close to the top, he stops stimulating until he goes back a few steps to the
bottom of the ladder, where he waits until he is calmer and then starts again.

Certain aids to delay ejaculation that are not compatible with tantric practices (which
requires being tuned in to every sensation) include lotions that desensitize sensations
in the lingam, devices to trap blood in the penis, or
purposefully distracting thoughts (like of baseball
scores or other nonsensual subjects).

Blocks to Bliss
Some critics charge that continual high pressure on the perineum can damage nerves and
blood vessels crucial to sexual
functioning, and warn that injaculation (causing the semen to
flow back into the bladder) can
force bacteria into the bladder,
causing an infection.


“Sealing the Penis,” or Sexual
Kung Fu
The spot located halfway between the anal opening
and the base of the scrotum—called the in-between spot
or “million dollar spot”—can be pressed to inhibit the
flow of semen out of the penis. Look for its location
on the perineum as shown in the diagram of the
man’s body in Chapter 5, “Prep Your Body Temple of
Love.” To find it, feel for a slight indentation where
your finger seems to press into a softer area, and press
this spot at the moment when you feel the sensation

Chapter 12 ➤ Make Lovemaking Last … and Last … and Last
that you are about to ejaculate. Putting two fingers behind your index finger (for
more support) is called the finger lock. Variations of this practice are called sealing the
penis, or sexual Kung Fu in Chinese.

Tantric Sex Versus Other Methods of Prolonging
Of course, you can delay ejaculation through these traditional sex therapy methods—
sex therapists have been teaching certain ejaculation delay methods for decades, since
Masters and Johnson popularized them more than 40 years ago. The stop-start and
squeeze techniques are effective; however, they can be even more effective when you
add techniques of tantric sexuality while carrying them out. The secret: encouraging
the man to focus on, direct, and channel his sexual energy.
Conscious awareness of sexual energy when performing any of the traditional methods of ejaculatory control is important in tantric practice, and makes the man and his
partner more attuned to his body’s needs and responses. In tantric practice, techniques for ejaculatory control include breathing exercises and other specific actions,
which I’ll describe a little later in this chapter.
The following table summarizes the several differences between traditional sex therapy techniques for premature ejaculation and tantric sex techniques.

Traditional Sex Therapy Versus Tantric Sex


Traditional Sex Therapy

Tantric Sex

Uses mind control, such as
identifying grades of excitement
and imagining steps on a ladder
adder to measure excitement
Advises the man not to be on
top, but rather the woman be
on top, so he can relax.

Insists on awareness of
energy and directing

with the partner

He gives her feedback.

success rates

Squeeze or stop-start training
is 90 percent effective within
10 weeks.

The man can be on top
to move energy more
freely; preferred position
is yab yum with female
in male’s lap.
Their energetic connection helps her sense
where he is in the
sexual response cycle.
Considers measurement
contrary to the
experience of energy.


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy
There are also similarities between traditional sex therapy techniques and tantric sex
techniques. Both …
➤ Emphasize relaxation.
➤ Focus on enjoying sensations in all parts of the body (called sensate focus in traditional sex therapy).
➤ Recommend practices for the limp lingam, such as stuffing in traditional sex
therapy (the woman inserts the nonerect penis in her vaginal opening, and
tightens her muscles to hold it there). This is similar to second chakra connecting or kareeza, in which the man is inside the woman feeling their energy comingling but unconcerned with how erect he is, since energy can be transmitted
regardless of the erection.

The Transmutation Breath
This is the tantric variation of the stop-start—but a lot more fun! As soon as the man
feels the urge to ejaculate, he draws up the energy from his lingam through his spine,
up his chakras, flooding his heart. He can do this on his own or with a partner. The
circuits can vary, according to what you have practiced. She can move her hand from
his lingam to his heart, sweeping the energy to his heart, or she can charge it even
more with her own sexual energy, by holding one hand on her yoni and sweeping
the other hand from his lingam into his heart and then into her yoni and out again,
in a continuous cycle.
Moving his own energy
from his lingam to his

As soon as she (or he) feels he is at the point of no return, she can say, “Breathe,
sweetheart,” or “Let’s breathe together,” or “Imagine my love going into your lingam
and your heart and your love coming out to me.”


Chapter 12 ➤ Make Lovemaking Last … and Last … and Last
Helping him move sexual
energy to his heart.

Tips on How She Can Help
It can be threatening for a man to ask his partner
to help him control his ejaculation, but a partner
can be very helpful. Here’s what you both can do:
➤ He can teach her about how ejaculation and
male orgasm work, and what it feels like for
men—specifically for him.
➤ Spend time together “playing doctor” and examining his body. Get over any embarrassment or shame about how you look or what
you want. The man should let her get close.
Sit down on the bed with plenty of light so
you can both see.

Ecstasy Essentials
The more a man thrusts vigorously, the more likely he is to
feel the urge to come. A good
solution: While keeping the
lingam in the yoni, sit up in yab
yum and breathe together. The
change in position will quiet
down the energy but still keep it

➤ Show her how you respond. Yes, that means
pleasuring yourself in front of her. Men and
women will have differing reaction to this—
some are excited, others are embarrassed. As
in all tantric practice, allow yourself to feel these feelings. Sometimes talking
about them aloud can help you process them so they will clear.

➤ The man should give his partner cues and feedback in movements and sounds,
even if he thinks she already knows. Needs can change over time, so don’t make
your partner guess.


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy
➤ She should be enthusiastic about discoveries
and appreciative of his courage in revealing
➤ She should encourage him that it is possible for
him to have control.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Remember the tantric sex rule,
“Always ask permission.” This applies equally when she is approaching him, especially
because we assume that men
would agree to anything about
sex. Ask if he wants to move his
sexual energy rather than assuming he does and telling him to
breath, or rushing to touch his
body on places that aid such

➤ Stay with each other energetically. This helps
her know the level of his excitement and when
he might be reaching his point of no return.
➤ Never criticize if he ejaculates, even if she has
not reached her peak.
➤ Be careful not to pressure him to come or not to
come. Always be sensitive to his needs and
where his energy is at.

If He Ejaculates Before She
Is Ready

If you are practicing the techniques I have been describing, it is more likely that you will be harmonizing
your energy so well that you are able to be at the same point at the same time often.
This makes it more likely that you will reach that experience that many couples
want—simultaneous orgasm. However, don’t despair if there are times when you are
out of tune in your energies, or if he ejaculates before she is ready.
If that happens, avoid all the traps you filled out in the earlier checklists in this chapter, such as criticizing, feeling like a failure, or that you are not right for each other.
Remember that there is always another time for lovemaking, and that not each experience is going to be the ultimate—even though you are attempting these new techniques. If things don’t go exactly as you wished or planned, rely on another principle
of tantric sex: whatever happens at that time is right to happen; just respect where
the energy goes.


Chapter 12 ➤ Make Lovemaking Last … and Last … and Last

The Least You Need to Know
➤ A man’s ejaculation is a physical act that is separate from the emotional experience of orgasm, a distinction that makes it possible for men to delay his ejaculation but still have pleasure.

➤ Delaying ejaculation is a matter of choice; such acts in tantric sex practice can
lead to extended periods and intensity of pleasure.

➤ A man can use several methods to delay ejaculation or teach his partner to
help him do this, so that he can last as long as he wants and ejaculate when
he wants to.

➤ Being sensitive to your energy, and purposefully directing it within yourself or
cycling it through your partner is one of the most exciting and satisfying ways
to make lovemaking last as long as you want.


Chapter 13

A New View
of Love, Sex,
and Orgasm:
The Big TTO

In This Chapter
➤ How to approach love, sex, and orgasm in a new way
➤ New patterns of sexual arousal
➤ New orgasms possible through tantric sex, including the TTO
➤ Uncovering secret places of excitement
➤ Connecting sound to movement to raise sexual energy

I’ve been talking about tantric sex throughout this book, but notice the emphasis is
always on sex energy to empower love. This is a new view of love. Tantra also requires
a new view of sex. Sex is no longer simply an act, nor is it a performance; instead, it is
a spiritual transformation. Consistent with this, the tantric transformation orgasm (TTO)
is even better than that “Big O” you’ve been striving for.
In this chapter you’ll learn about the different kinds of cosmic experiences, including
orgasm, that you can have in tantric sex. You’ll also learn some exercises to spark your
desire and move toward those higher states. As if I weren’t already challenging you to
shift your perspective about relationships, here’s yet another step I invite you to take:
a new view of sex and orgasm.

Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy

What’s Love Got to Do with It?
The answer is, everything! In my many lectures about sex to diverse groups, even
when discussing the latest techniques or the hottest new trends, I always mention
that the underlying message is really about how the
sex act itself generates love—for yourself, your partner,
and even the world.

Tantra Tutorial
Tantric sex energy is harnessed
into a force for love. Women
have always bemoaned using sex
to get love; ironically, tantric sex
energy is an adaptation on that
theme: Sexual energy is used to
inspire, create, and expand love.

Although this book is about tantric sex, it really is
about harnessing sexual energy to empower your love
for yourself and everything around you. Consider
yourself as the beloved—reflected in everything.
Tantra teachers Charles Muir and his wife Caroline express this concept perfectly as conscious love (the title
of their popular workshops and book, Tantra: The Art
of Conscious Loving; see Appendix B, “Workshops, Web
Sites, Teachers, and Tantra Communities”). This means
making love with keen awareness about what you are
doing—and learning to honor each other as beloveds.
Tantric sex allows an expanded view of what sex is,
the nature of the sexual response cycles, and what’s
possible in orgasm.

A New View of Orgasm and the Sexual
Response Cycle
I remember the early days of sex therapy (only a quarter of a century ago!) when sex
experts argued that there were two types of female orgasm: the clitoral and the vaginal, originating from stimulation of those two parts of the women’s genitalia. Over
time, professionals came to recognize a third type, called blended, because although a
woman’s orgasm is triggered by stimulation of the clitoris, the sensation can also be
extended into deeper internal areas or can start deeper and spread to other genital
Traditional views of orgasm for men were even more limited: the one quick release.
More modern views revealed that the processes of ejaculation and orgasm in men are
in fact separate, as I described in the previous chapter. Orgasm for men is the psychological experience of pleasure, much like for women; ejaculation is the release of
sperm. This opens many possibilities of sexual response and pleasure for men. The
practices of tantric sex reveal even more thrills for both sexes.
Over time, we are increasingly aware that there are more types of orgasms, based on
the locations, timing, and intensity of the experience. This is true for men as well as


Chapter 13 ➤ A New View of Love, Sex, and Orgasm: The Big TTO
Not only are there many types of orgasm, but I have postulated that there are several
directions of expression of the energy: outward and inward. Both are powerful, can
lead to states of bliss, and can be expressed alone or with a partner. They are different
in that …
➤ The outward orgasm can be wild and uninhibited, as you let out emotions or
scream and move vigorously.
➤ The inward orgasm can be quiet and subtle; however, it can release as much energy and reveal as much feeling as a more active response. Thoughts are powerful enough to trigger these responses. Imagine inhaling a ball of energy from
your sexual organs, up through your body, and back down again. You can experience quiet inward orgasms as explosions that take place subtly.
Traditional views of sex also posed four progressive
cycles: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. However, the results of tantric practice prove
different: You can fluctuate within these stages and
stay in these stages for extended periods of time.
In fact, the sky’s the limit as far as how high you
can go.
Notice the three couples in the following figure.
The couple on the bottom line are building their
sexual energy gradually. The middle couple are
generating more sexual energy and building more
quickly. The couple on the top are having strong
spurts of sexual energy, and then resting (or rather
nesting, as you see the birds in the figure doing!).

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Remember that everyone is individual in his or her intensity and
variety and self-expression.
Appreciate your individuality and
allow responses to emerge from
all parts of your body.

The figures are based on tantric practices of couples in lovemaking that are described later in this chapter. By transmuting their sexual energy during their lovemaking, at different intervals and times they blast off or
come down to earth, as they want—together!
Most couples think they have to keep at it to increase the intensity of their arousal.
You can add more charge by relaxing into a “sexual quiet place” and then doing a fire
breath (quick nostril breathing in and out) for even more intense buildup. I recommend alternating your energy in these ways—the process sustains arousal and also
brings you to higher states of pleasure, multiple orgasms, and an expanded sense of
well-being so that you can control your sexuality and yourself!
I am always asked about how to have the best orgasms (and have spent years teaching women how to so this), so here’s a look at the different kinds of wonderful orgasmic experiences possible with tantric sex.


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy
Couples riding different
tantric waves to bliss.

The Cosmorgasm
The cosmorgasm is the orgasm that extends out into the universe, or the cosmos. It
happens when you alone or the two of you build your energy within yourself, and
then when you are fully charged and grounded, extend your energy out the top of
your head, through your crown chakra, into the air and sky above.

The Mega-Orgasm

Blocks to Bliss
Whenever you send energy out
your crown chakra for cosmic orgasms connecting beyond your
physical body, you have to be
sure you are not “throwing it
away” or “losing yourself.” You
must cycle the energy fully, and
ground it first within yourself.

The mega-orgasm, like the Energizer Bunny, keeps
going and going and going. It continues in an upward
direction, showing increasing excitement, with small
valleys where you linger in the good feeling, but then
spurt again to an even higher level of excitement and
pleasure. Follow the birds in the previous figure to see
how the couple on the top line are having a mega-orgasm; they keep going upward for a long time, taking
a few rests.

The Clearing Orgasm

The clearing orgasm is unleashed from a big release of
emotions rather than direct sexual contact—and can
be just as powerful. This big release of tension can
clear out stuck emotions. Because of this, the release
can sound painful, with screams and wails. These reactions might frighten a partner
(and will be described more in Chapter 17, “Sexual Healing to Set You Free”), but
such releases should be welcomed as a sign of freeing the soul, body, and mind. After


Chapter 13 ➤ A New View of Love, Sex, and Orgasm: The Big TTO
such an orgasm, you can feel spent, exhausted,
and drained; however, the experience is worth it
because of the pleasure it brings—and the pleasure
it frees you to experience.

Reaching Multiple and
Simultaneous Orgasms

Ecstasy Essentials

The secret to multiple orgasms lies in controlling
the level of your excitement through your breath
and cycling your sexual energy. This is similar to
what I described in the previous chapter on how
men can control their release to make lovemaking
last longer. When you get to one of your peaks,
you both can do a transmutation breath (drawing
the energy up from your genitals) at the same
time. Remind each other by saying it aloud, “Let’s
breathe now!” Do this twice and even three times,
building your excitement.

Hollywood’s classic portrayal of a
woman’s orgasm was Meg Ryan’s
noisy imitation in the movie
When Harry Met Sally. My favorite is the scene in the film
Cocoon, in which Tawhnee Welch
(playing an alien) transmits powerful orgasmic energy across a
pool to Steve Gutenberg.

Tantra Tutorial
According to ancient Eastern tradition, the male is expected to bring the woman to nine
levels of orgasm. Progressively, the woman sighs and breathes heavily; offers tongue kissing;
grasps the man with her muscles; has vaginal secretions and spasms; feels the urge to bite;
undulates like a snake; grabs the man furtively; desires to bite more vigorously; surrenders
and collapses. Modern views and some tantra teachers point out that the biting response is
not necessary and might occur in cases in which women have more unresolved aggression.

The Tantric Wave
The tantric orgasm is an undulation that is shaped like a wave. The body flows like a
dolphin moves through water, in smooth motions up and down; in natural curves
that keep coming and coming.


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy
The tantric wave of bliss.

The Stock Market Orgasm

Ecstasy Essentials
Valley orgasms do not refer to
valley girls, but to continuous orgasms that extend through the
time in between your peaks.

Banking on a quippy analogy of the sexual response
cycle and cycles in the stock market (men’s erections
go down when the Dow dips!), California sexologist
Ava Cadell created a new lovemaking system. It combines sexual techniques such as erotic talk, oral sex, G
spot stimulation, and intercourse (in various positions)
for men; combined with sensual techniques such as
synchronized breathing, body massage, love toys, and
the “Venus Butterfly” for women. She calls it the stock
market orgasm (also the title of her book, Peters
Publishing, 1999) because there are seven peaks of sexual excitement, and then seven dips of sensuality
maintaining a level of arousal for both partners.

The profit that couples get from their investment is multiple orgasms for both people,
once he learns how to separate his orgasm from ejaculation. Says Cadell, “The best
lovers are those who are long-term investors rather than those who are addicted to

How to Have the Big TTO
The Big TTO—tantric transformative orgasm—comes from cycling sexual energy,
using all the exercises I’ve told you about up to now (and more to come in later chapters). Since the time I developed this technique, I have taught it to many men and
women, with great results. The process includes the ways to amp up or damp down
your energy (as described in Chapter 6), breathing patterns (as in Chapter 3), and


Chapter 13 ➤ A New View of Love, Sex, and Orgasm: The Big TTO
many other techniques I am teaching you about in this book, including ways to play
and have fun (because I think loving should be about fun!). All of these help you respond freely and connect with love and a beloved.

Taking Sex Drive to a New Level
A pervasive problem for couples today is complaints about sex drive; this ceases to be
a problem when you follow the tantric path. It’s all about building peaks of sexual excitement, but not leaving it there. Once you got the energy going, the practices invite
you to move it. This process is called transmuting the sexual energy (a process I refer
to often in this book, and one I teach extensively in the workshops I run because it is
especially effective in connecting love energy to sex).
The following exercises show you how to do that. You can do any of these exercises
by yourself or with a partner. When you do them with a partner, it’s a good idea to
face each other, sit knee to knee or in the more intimate classic yab yum position,
with one of you in the other’s lap.

The Shiva Shakti Mudra
One of my favorite exercises is called the Shiva Shakti mudra. It connects energy from
the earth and sky, bringing it inward to the heart area, then directing it outward to a
partner or to the world. You can also add words to the exercise.
Here’s how it’s done. Stand with feet shoulder width apart and knees slightly bent.
Take several deep breaths. On the inhale sweep your arms up from the earth, scooping up energy from Mother Earth, and bring the energy into your heart area. Feel the
warmth, security, and love of earth energy going in to your heart. Exhale. Inhale
again, this time reaching up to the sky and gathering energy from Father Sky. Sweep
your arms down, crossing your hands over each other as you pass your face and into
your heart area. Feel the energy of enlightenment and vision going in to your heart.
This exercise is called Shiva Shakti mudra because it connects the Mother Earth/female Shakti energy with the Father Sky/male Shiva energy. It’s a good exercise to do
when you are tired, to give you more energy in general.

Variations on the Shiva Shakti Mudra
To do this with a partner, stand facing each other. After bringing the energy into your
heart as described in the previous exercise above, exhale and extend your arms and
hands out toward each other. On the next round the two of you can extend your
arms and hands out to your sides, sending your collected love energy out to others or
to the world in general.


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy
The Shiva Shakti mudra:
bringing strength and
vision into your love,
getting help from the
earth and sky.

Make up your own dedication and say words about your blessings while doing this
exercise. For example, say, “I bring all the love of Mother Earth up into my heart and
send it out to you my beloved, and I bring down from the sky all the inspiration and
vision and vastness of the universal love and send it into you, my beloved.” When
extending your arms out sideways, you can make a dedication, “I send all collected
love energy out to the world, to heal all those who are suffering or who are not as fortunate to feel the love we have, so that they may share in our bliss.”

Connecting the Sexual Energy to Other Energy
Through the breath, sound, and movements, you can send sexual energy to other
parts of the body to empower them. Here are some exercises to do that.

Using Movements to Send Sexual Energy
Put on music with a powerful drumbeat and sway your hips to the music. Start with
side-to-side movements, then forward and backward, and then circular motions.

Using Sound to Transmute Music Energy
Remember that all sounds are associated with different energy centers, or chakras.
You can send your pooled sexual energy to different energy centers by chanting the
sound of the sexual center and then connecting it to the sound of any of the other
chakras. In the following exercise, breathe in through your nose and on the exhale,
open your mouth and let the sound come out. Allow the breath to pool in your belly
and then exhale like a bellows, to get the maximum energy from the sound.


Chapter 13 ➤ A New View of Love, Sex, and Orgasm: The Big TTO
➤ The ooo-ahhh exercise: Opening the heart
This is another favorite exercise, both to do
and to teach. “Ahhh” is the sound of the
heart center. Connecting the sex and heart
center is one of the primary techniques of
tantra. Use it to prepare yourselves for lovemaking. Build the energy in the sex center
and feel it bolting through your body as you
thrust the pelvis forward, saying “ooo”
(sounding like the “ou” in the word “you”
but with a more rounded mouth). On the inhale, arch your back as you say “ahhh.” The
chest will thrust forward, the action itself
opening the heart center. In addition, the
“ahhh” sound itself opens the heart. Do this
repeatedly; as the flow of these two sounds
and the movements build they will take you
on their own ride after a while, without any
effort on your part.

Tantra Tutorial
The ooo-ahhh exercise is particularly important for men, who
often separate sex and love.
Chanting these two sounds brings
sexual energy up to the heart
center, making a man more open
to feeling his love energy, and
more able to create an emotional connection with his partner. It is magical how doing this
exercise can open—and melt—a
man’s heart.

The ooo-ahhh exercise.

➤ The ooo-ehhh exercise: Freeing the throat Do this exercise the same way you
would the previous one, but use the words “ooo-ehhh.” Sending sex energy to
the throat chakra is also a major part of tantric sex, so you can express yourself
freely. Too many women—and men, too—are inhibited about speaking up at all;


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
The sex and throat centers are
closely connected; once you
open the throat to make noises
in sex, you’ll be surprised how
much more responsive you are
sexually. I’ll say more about this
in Chapter 18, “Sex, Song, and

particularly about making sounds during sex. I
have heard so many men complain that women
lie too quietly during sex and how they wish
women would “talk dirty” (use raunchy words),
which many women consider unrefined or demeaning. Yet free expression during an erotic
encounter is essential for ecstatic freedom
of sex.
➤ The ooo-uhhh exercise: Grounding more security Do this exercise the same way you
would the ooo-ahhh exercise, but use the words
“ooo-uhhh.” Move energy generated by pelvic
thrusts from your sex center into your base
chakra or anal area. As you emit the sound
“uhhh,” feel yourself getting more and more
rooted into the ground like a tree. This grounding stops distracting thoughts and worries that
invariably intrude in your intimate interaction.

Sound healer Karin Schelde teaches workshops on freeing up the voice. “Every
sound and every part of the body has a vibrational energy that has tremendous
healing capacity,” says Schelde. “We just need to know that it’s safe to be
heard.” In Schelde’s “sound meditations,” participants make sounds to express,
and release, whatever feelings they have without judgment. “Let the feelings
flow through you like a river,” she instructs, “to free your expression to heal but
also to experience joy.”

Tantra Tutorial
Researchers at the recent World Congress of Sexology in Paris presented photographs of
what was happening inside the vagina during intercourse, and corresponding measurements of excitement levels. The results showed that in different positions in intercourse,
the penis touched various areas of the women’s internal genitalia, all of which registered
signs of stimulation. Other research shows these physical indications of excitement can
occur even if the woman herself does not express the same level of excitement as the
measures indicate.


Chapter 13 ➤ A New View of Love, Sex, and Orgasm: The Big TTO

Where Do You Feel the Big O? Alphabet Orgasms
More modern views of orgasm have expanded not only the types of orgasm, but also
the places that those delicious sensations occur. There are spots to cover many letters
of the alphabet used as shortcuts for the names of these responses.

The G Spot
The G spot is actually an area on the front wall of
the vagina, one third of the way up. Although
stimulating, at first some women feel discomfort in
the form of numbness, pain, or the urge to urinate.
However, many women feel intense pleasure and
can even release female ejaculate.

The X Spot
This spot is deep in the vagina around the cervix.
Although it does not have many nerves, when
stimulated it can tug on the internal walls and
cause radiating sensations. Taoist views of the orgasm pose that the tip of the penis and the cervical area both correspond to the heart, making it
understandable that this area would be pleasurable
to the woman. However, it is also easily stimulated
manually, with the man inserting several fingers
and encircling the cervix at the end of the vaginal

Tantra Tutorial
The most recent extensive research on a woman’s G spot, or
sacred area, is by Gary Schubach.
He posts information on his Web
site at

Blocks to Bliss

The AFE Zone
The anterior fornix erogenous (AFE) zone is the area
from the end of the vaginal canal downward about
two thirds to the opening. As with other areas,
some women might find this pleasurable; others
do not.

Some women find that stimulating the cervical area is painful,
especially during their menstrual
and hormonal cycles.

The PFE Zone
The posterior fornix zone (PFZ) is similar to that described in the previous section, but
on the opposite wall.


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy

Tantra Tales
After learning tantric sex, Nancy found, “I can have an orgasm in my wrist! The energy
just explodes whenever Michael touches me, wherever he touches me. It’s like my body is
on fire. I can send the breath anywhere in my body, almost on demand, and make those
cells come alive. As soon as he touches me there, it’s like the light goes on and he can
feel the heat, too.

The Anywhere-in-Your-Body Orgasm
This is probably the best news of all: By practicing tantric sex, every cell in the body
can be orgasmic. The orgasm does not just happen in the genitals; you can send it
anywhere in the body and make it accessible within seconds.

The Least You Need to Know
➤ Practicing tantric sex requires a new view of sex in which sex is a transmission
of energy between the couple.

➤ Orgasm, like sex in general, can be a new type of experience through tantric
practice, in which energy that is pooled in the sex center is sent, through the
breath, to other parts of the body.

➤ There are many places on the body and inside the woman’s genitalia that can
be experienced as orgasmic.

➤ Through tantric practices any couple can achieve these high states of sexual
ecstasy in addition to a mixture of physical, emotional, and spiritual bliss. For
example, connecting sound to movements helps direct energy and heightens


Chapter 14

Getting Fit
Together for
Tantric Sex

In This Chapter
➤ How exercising together can pump love muscles
➤ Yoga poses to do together
➤ Workouts that also work your sex energy
➤ How emotional issues are worked through in workouts

In Chapter 5, “Prep Your Body Temple of Love,” I told you about the important role
that being physically fit plays in pleasurable sex. Your body is your temple of love,
and now you’re ready to share it with your partner.
Review the steps in Chapter 5 and do them with your partner. In this chapter you’ll
learn more physical routines and movements you can do together to honor your body
temples—and to have some fun!

The Importance of Physical Activity Together
Research proves exercise is an aphrodisiac. In one national survey, 8 out of 10 exercisers credited their workouts with boosting self-confidence, 4 in 10 felt more sexual
arousal, and 3 in 10 made love more often. Physical activity is energizing (important
for sex), forces you to focus on the body (heightening sensual awareness), builds
strength and endurance (for sexual positions and staying power), and releases pleasure
chemicals in the brain.

Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy
Working out with your lover has immediate payoffs. Your adrenaline is already pumping and you’re already feeling better about yourself. Chemicals will flow in your body,
such as the love chemical endorphin and the cuddle
chemical oxytocin, prepping you for pleasure in love
and sex.

Blocks to Bliss
Relationships in which one partner is physically active and the
other is not can lead to trouble.
In a California study of relationships where one partner jogged,
the inactive spouses often became jealous of the runner’s independence and attractiveness
to others.

The Love Muscle Exercises for
the Man and the Woman
Just as I talked earlier in this book about the importance of contracting and exercising your pelvic muscles on your own, you can also do this together. Sit
facing each other, look deeply into each other’s eyes,
and breathe in and out rapidly through your nose (as
in the fire breath; see Chapter 3, “Spinning Your
Wheels and Breathing to Ecstasy”).

Hold your breath and pulse your pelvic muscles 10
times. Relax the muscles and do the fire breath again.
Repeat several times. Remember that you both have
more than one set of pelvic muscles; one set is around
your urethral opening and another set is around your
anal opening. As you do this together, don’t worry about technique until you get the
hang of it; then you can inhale at the same time, hold your breath, and pulse your
muscles in unison.
Pulsing PC muscles while you’re breathing together does a lot to turn you on to each
other. It synchronizes your energy more powerfully than just breathing together, and
sends supercharged sexual energy up your spine, which you then can cycle into each
other. Deliberately knowing that you are doing this in the same momentum makes
you feel very connected to each other, adding intimacy to your excitement.

Partner Pelvic Thrusts
Pelvic motions are the most powerful generator of sexual energy. I’ve already emphasized that they are important exercises to do on your own; now you’re ready to do
them with a partner. Put on some music that gets your blood going. Stand side to side
or better yet, facing each other. (Later you can let loose and move around any way
you want.) You can start from a standing position, gradually thrusting at lower
heights until you’re thrusting while lying down on your back on the bed or floor
(knees up); or start on the floor (knees up) and progress to a standing position. Follow
your mood; ending up lying down can leave you in a good position for more intimate
contact, while ending up standing could make you want to move around for more active play.


Chapter 14 ➤ Getting Fit Together for Tantric Sex
Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Just thrust your pelvis
forward and backward. But that might not be so
easy, considering that for many of us, our pelvis is
stiff! Stand with feet shoulder width apart, sacrum
tucked in. Thrust forward and backward in a
steady motion, picking up speed. The trick for the
best effect is to keep your upper body straight and
isolate the hips. Feel the energy surge through
your body and send it out to your partner. Use
your hands to guide the energy out to your partner
by making a sweeping motion into his or her
pelvis and then up into the heart.

Ecstasy Essentials
Add sound to intensify your energy and excitement. In unison,
say “ooo” as you thrust forward,
and “ahhh” as you arch back.

I Could Have Danced
All Night
Dancing is a wonderful workout that exercises all kinds of muscles and frees your
spirit in the process. It’s a powerful way to activate your entire body and move sexual
energy through your body—even to the point of sensing orgasmic highs for both
men and women. That makes the activity a perfect warm-up for when you want
to get more interactive. Use your motions together in dance to express your attraction and desire. I’ll explain more about different kinds of dances you can do to express and experience your pleasure together in Chapter 15, “Make It Juicy with Magic
and Play.”
Pace your dance for your desired heart rate, doing slow sensuous movements and
building to faster, more free-flowing motions. Let yourself go into a frenzy, allowing
your limbs to fly where they will.

An Eight-Step White Tantra Twosome Routine
As I mentioned earlier in this book, white tantra refers to personal practices, including yoga poses, that connect to the chakras, or energy centers. Each time you make a
pose, it is meant to stimulate one or several of the energy centers, and the emotions
or issues associated with those centers.
Follow along as I describe a wonderful tantric yoga routine for couples, and you’ll see
what I mean. This practice was designed by New York tantra teacher Carla Tarantola
as a result of her practice with her beloved, John. It was so effective, she decided to
include it in tantra classes she teaches around the country. “Most couples finish their
day too exhausted from work or taking care of the kids to enjoy sex,” says Tarantola,
“but if they do these physical poses together, they can flood themselves with such a
river of sexual energy that they won’t even remember they were too tired for sex.”


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy
These twosome yoga poses benefit your relationship by …
➤ Establishing deep trust because you depend on each other for the movements.
➤ Creating balance because you really have to physically balance on each other
and adjust to the other person’s weight to get into and out of the poses.
➤ Requiring and reflecting genuine cooperation because you have to figure out
how to get in and out of the poses together.
➤ Providing an example of how you communicate through your bodies, which is a
metaphor for how well you can communicate emotionally.
➤ Giving you a chance to support each other in developing the physical strength
and resolving any emotional issues associated with these chakras.
➤ Giving you a chance to laugh and have fun together!
The following sections describe the suggested poses, all demonstrated by Tarantola
and her beloved, John.

Couple Connect
Start your session by being fully present to one another. Sit facing each other and
looking in each other’s eyes. With knees bent out, place feet comfortably in front of
you with his feet on the outside of hers. Encircle each other by stretching out your
arms to hold on to your partner comfortably on the sides or under the shoulder.
Inhale and exhale together to synchronize your energies. Do this for about seven
breaths, or longer if you like.
Couple connect.


Chapter 14 ➤ Getting Fit Together for Tantric Sex

Circling Couple Celebration
Stay on the floor opposite each other. Stretch
your legs out as far as possible with feet touching
or overlapped at the ankles (as comfortable). Hold
hands as one partner leans toward the other and
the other leans backward. Reverse this. Do alternating breaths (breathe in as your partner
breathes out). Make circles moving to the left together, stretching your right side, and then the
opposite side. Reverse directions. Make smaller
and larger circles. Be spontaneous, guessing which
way each of you wants to go, and have fun! Feel
more looseness in your base and sex chakras,
which will help you in sex.

Tantra Tutorial
Adjust every position to accommodate your sizes and ability;
never strain. Remain in each position for as long as you want or
as long as you feel comfortable.

Circling couple

Squat-to-Stand Support
Help each other into a squat position still grasping each other’s wrists. Bounce gently,
feeling your lower energy centers getting stimulated. Lift up to a standing position
slowly, playing as you balance each other. Lower down and rise again, synchronizing
your breath to inhale as you rise up and exhaling as you lower. (Be careful not to
strain your knees while doing these movements.)


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy

Squat-to-stand support.

Partner Pelvis Press
Stand close together facing each other, pressing against each other’s pelvis for balance
as you lean back and lift your arms toward the sky, looking upward. This opens your
heart center, but because your pelvis is the seat of power, by pressing your pelvis together you are giving each other strength (from the pelvic energy center) to love. On
the exhale, make noises, making the sound come from your pelvis, heart, and throat.
“If I lean too close to my partner, he could fall back, but if I don’t lean back enough,
he will fall on top of me,” explains Tarantola. “Because we are responsible to not let
each other fall, we have to balance male and female energy in the way required in
tantric sex.”

Dangling Duos
Bring your hands together from the pelvis press and step apart gradually, guiding
each other to droop downward and hang like a tree (being careful to go slowly and
lowering the spine one vertebrae at a time). Relax your neck and shoulders and allow
your head to hang loosely.


Chapter 14 ➤ Getting Fit Together for Tantric Sex
Partner pelvis press.

Dangling duos.


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy

The Couple Cobras
Lie fully extended on your stomach with heads touching. With hands under the
shoulders, slowly lift the upper body, opening the heart to each other and stretching
the head and neck upward and curving backward, opening the throat chakra. This
will enable you to speak honestly to each other. Lower down and rise up again, inhaling and exhaling at the same pace.
Couple cobra.

Lovers Table
This is a wonderful experience! One partner kneels on all fours, keeping his back
straight and creating a table over which the partner can lean backward and drape his
or her own body with outstretched arms, opening all chakras and feeling trust in the
partner. Reverse places if your weight allows.
Lovers table.


Chapter 14 ➤ Getting Fit Together for Tantric Sex

Couple Cuddle
This is the typical resting pose in yoga, but with one partner cradled over the other.
Breathe together and feel the energy, connection, trust, and love. Change places.
Couple cuddle.

All of these balance postures relate to relationship skills, explains Tarantola. Notice
whether you have trouble with any of the poses (not just physically), that might indicate you are afraid to open your heart, speak up, or trust.

Bedroom Bodybuilding
As a yoga teacher and former professional athlete, Rundy Duphiney worked out every
day until his constant cross-country trips from California to Ohio to see his lover Lisa
interrupted his fitness routine. He panicked until he realized that making love with
his beloved was a workout in itself. Currently also a sex coach, Duphiney developed a
sex workout routine to help himself and other men stay physically fit while also creating new highs with a lover. The routine works all the major muscle groups (even
several at a time) to build stamina and strength essential for great sex. Some of the
exercises include these:
➤ Stand face to face in the shower or bedroom. Warm up by looking into each
other’s eyes while rolling your head from shoulder to shoulder, and stretching
your upper body by leaning in one direction and the other.
➤ You and your partner rotate your arms and hips in synchrony while facing each
other, as if looking in a mirror.
➤ Once you’re both feeling excited, she can turn her back and lean over as he
guides her pelvis into and away from his body. This creates thrusting for her
that works out her hips and develops strength in her thighs, and resistance for
him to work out his stomach, arms, gluts, thighs, hips, and quads.


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy
➤ In the partner push-up he lies on his back, lifting his hips in the air, thereby
working his lower back and abs while she leans over him, supporting herself
with straight arms and hands on the bed, lowering and raising her body as if
doing push-ups over him. This can also be done in reverse positions, with the
man on top doing the push-ups over her.
Push-ups on your partner.

➤ With the man on his back, knees up, the woman squats on top, facing him. He
lifts his upper body and grabs her buttocks from underneath, pulling her forward and backward on his wand of light. This has the effect of doing bicep
curls, working his biceps, forearms, chest and shoulders.
➤ Sit up in yab yum position. Grasp each other’s wrists and with his lingam still
inside her yoni, lean slowly backward together and pull each other up again to
sitting position, creating a back pull for several repetitions.
The body stores a distinct memory of the movements, explains Duphiney. “So after
you’ve done this love routine,” he says, “I guarantee you’ll never be able to work out
in the gym again without picturing your partner in the same positions of pleasure.


Chapter 14 ➤ Getting Fit Together for Tantric Sex

Tantra Tales
Francisco and his girlfriend Nicole had already been doing the pelvic thrusts and partner
push-ups before realizing their favorite sex positions doubled as fitness moves. “Thinking
about how I’m getting in shape during sex makes me move my muscles more,” explained
Francisco. “So my body looks buffed and I act like a stud, making Nicole twice as turned
on to me.” Purposefully exercising during sex can benefit the woman equally. Nicole said,
“Francisco and I always loved my legs high in the air and the push-up position, but thinking of them now as formal exercises is a double payoff, because we both need the bodywork. Now I know I’ll also do better pelvic thrusts in Pilates class, thinking of his
delighting lingam going in and out of me!”

“She’s the most powerful and persistent woman I ever met,” Joshua Smith told me
about his girlfriend, “so I could never say no to her. I’d give in until I got so mad that
I wasn’t speaking my mind that I’d escape to my own house, avoid sex with her, and
think about having an affair.” The handsome, outwardly confident 36-year-old
Washington businessman is not unlike an increasingly number of men today who,
although strong themselves, when faced with an “assertive” woman, become intimidated and withdraw sexually and emotionally rather than confront the partner and
assert themselves.
So Smith decided to strike out his feelings—at his punching bag. As he released his
anger, he had a brilliant brainstorm. A long-time practitioner of marital arts, T’ai Chi,
trance dance, aerobics, and yoga, Smith came up with a new workout that he now
offers to others in a workshop. He calls it Yogaboxing, a synthesis of yoga and boxing
that Smith claims clears anger but also brings sexual energy into the heart to
renew love.
A highlight of the hour-long routine is the yes/no exercise, in which participants face
each other and shout a series of commands that are refusals (“no,” “get out,” “hear
me now”) and then affirmations (“yes,” “yes I can”) while extending fists in marital
arts motions. The steps sound like those in self-defense classes, but Smith claims his
routine proves the approach can be as effective for intimate relationships as for attacks from strangers.


Part 3 ➤ Making Major Progress on the Path to Ecstasy
It worked for him. “After doing the exercise myself over and over,” Smith explains, “I
realized that rather than staying angry with Laurie, making her wrong, and sabotaging our relationship and sex life, I could give myself permission to refuse her requests,
ask for what I needed, and expect her to honor that. The result is that I feel better
about myself and even more turned on and passionate toward her.”
The first thing Smith did was confront his girlfriend and say, “I need some time to
myself and after that I can listen to you.” She protested at first but then went along.

Tantra Tutorial
A psychological developmental benefit in Smith’s “Yogaboxing” is called “setting your
boundaries”—saying what you will or will not do, which proves to yourself and others that
you are in control of your life. (This overcomes childhood problems in which Smith and
men like him have grown up sensing yet fearing the extent of their own power, and
learning to express that power without fear of being destructive.) The physical benefits involve the combination of gentler yoga movements with more vigorous boxing, which infuses the muscles with oxygen-rich cells, stimulates the endocrine glands, and aligns the
neck and spine; all of which helps retard aging without putting undue stress on the body.

The workout starts with stretches that reach upward, as Smith instructs his group to
imagine reaching for their strength and stretching to speak up. Many exercises are
done in pairs, to simulate confronting a real partner, such as the stop sign and the tug
of war, in which each holds an end of a handkerchief, saying “yes” and “no” alternately. After each exercise, the partners share how they felt, and whether they were
able to act as strongly as they wanted. Who pulls the handkerchief harder? Whose
voice is more convincing? The participants are invited to associate the exercise with
experiences in their relationships in which they have disagreed about even small
things, such as what movie to see or where to go to dinner.


Chapter 14 ➤ Getting Fit Together for Tantric Sex
Yogaboxing tug of war.

The movements and verbalizations in Yogaboxing establish a powerful connection between your sense of power and your throat, allowing energy for self-expression to
flow more easily to the sexual area. “After this workout,” Smith promises, “a guy can
get really turned on because he knows he can speak up to a woman, so he feels safer
being more vulnerable—the very combination of qualities that women really like.”
Yogaboxing seems to be working for others as well, with women as well as men flooding Smith’s Washington classes ( So next time you’re
mad as hell and won’t go near her, grab a handkerchief and engage her in a tug of
war, and let the victor enjoy the spoils of sex thereafter.

The Least You Need to Know
➤ Working out together activates more sexual energy between you, which sparks
your attraction for each other and empowers your union for more pleasure.

➤ Yoga poses that you do on your own can be adapted to do with a partner.
➤ Facing your partner, you can do love muscle exercises, pelvic thrusts, dances,
and more complicated white tantra routines.

➤ Exercises that may seem merely physical can actually have deep emotional
components that trigger emotional issues and can deepen your relationship by
creating opportunities to establish balance, trust, communication, and support.


Part 4

Going Deeper: More Love
and Better Sex Than You
Ever Imagined
By now you’ve progressed beautifully on your path to loving passion and you’re ready
to add more advanced practices, experience more delight in giving and receiving love,
and integrate this more deeply into expanding your consciousness. As you become better at moving your energy in new and exciting ways, love becomes more fulfilling and
sex more magical.
In this part it’s time to really let go and explore your body, mind, and soul. Learn
different kinds of erotic dances to entice your mate, and discover new erogenous zones
and positions. As you expand into exploring how to move your energy, stronger
feelings can emerge, so I’ll reveal some effective ways to heal any past sexual pain,
releasing you to have more intense orgasms and greater overall bliss.

Chapter 15

Make It Juicy
with Magic
and Play

In This Chapter
➤ The importance of play in good sex
➤ Dancing for each other
➤ How food can spark passion
➤ Toys, gifts, and games to please each other
➤ Making sex magic
➤ Tantric events that encourage joyful joinings

Are you having fun yet? Remember that tantric sex is built on a principle of pleasure.
I am an absolute believer that you should enjoy loving—and your life! If something
feels not quite right, please stop and change the energy so you are experiencing, and
sharing, pleasure (unless you’re purposefully using the experience to heal, as I will discuss in Chapter 17, “Sexual Healing to Set You Free”).
All tantric workshops include time for play. One of the most enjoyable aspects for me
in the workshops that I lead is creating new and exciting experiences for the participants. I love when the whole room is energized and having a good time! In this
chapter you’ll learn some ideas for playtime that you can share with a partner. More
important, let your spirit soar and come up with fun ideas that spontaneously occur
to you. There are infinite ways to play together; part of the joy is to discover
those ways.

Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined

The Spirit of Play
Remember being a child—with no fears or inhibitions about what to do to entertain
and amuse yourself? Sadly, we develop so many fears as we grow up, usually as a result of negative experiences, punishments, and messages telling us “don’t do this”
and “be careful about that.” Tune in to the spirit of yourself as a child. What would
you do on your own or with a partner? Give yourself the permission to be that sweet,
trusting, uninhibited playful, charming child.

How Much Juice Is There?
How juicy are you? “I feel the juice between us.” “This experience is really juicy.”
When you say these words, can you feel the succulence? Referring to someone in
tantra as “juicy” means that person is being uninhibited, expressing true sensuality,
and allowing himself or herself to be turned on and excited. His or her energy is flowing in an excited, sensuous way. Women also are
called juicy when they are lubricating, reflecting their
excitement—and they’re especially juicy when they
have that female ejaculation, emitting a flow of love
liquid (also called amrita).

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Although being called juicy is a
big compliment, as with other
terms, make sure a woman or
man likes being identified this

The Importance of Play in Sex
The value of play is endless, both physically and emotionally. Research has even shown that happier people
have stronger immune systems and that couples in a
happy union live longer than those who are not so
content. It has even been proven that smiling lifts
your spirits, and that a cheerier mood leads to better
physical health.

Affirmations About Joyful Sexual Union
When you consciously decide what you want, it is more likely you will get it.
Speaking out loud what you want, or writing it down on a piece of paper is even
more helpful. Read the following affirmations aloud and breathe deeply while you say
them, to fix them in your being. Imagine yourself in a sexual union while feeling
these emotions and states:
➤ I deserve to have joy in my sex life.
➤ I enjoy every moment of pleasure.
➤ I feel good about myself.
➤ My beloved cheers me on in lovemaking.


Chapter 15 ➤ Make It Juicy with Magic and Play
➤ I have fun in sex.
➤ I give off an inner and outer glow.
➤ I delight in myself and my beloved.
Notice these affirmations are written in present tense so that they feel more real and
create the sense of being “present” that is typical of tantra.

Laugh Your Way to Better Health
It is well known that laughter improves the immune system and therefore makes you
healthier. It also has infinite benefits from an emotional point of view. Laugh aloud
now and see how it changes your mood. Laughter
opens you to more love—the goal of tantra.
One of spiritual mystic Osho’s favorite courses is
“Mystic Rose,” in which participants spend three
hours a day for a week in a room laughing (at
nothing in particular, just laughing). In fact, the
experience becomes contagious, so that even if you
don’t feel initially like laughing, someone else’s
laughter inspires you to laugh, too.

Dancing for Each Other

Ecstasy Essentials
One tantra practitioner tells a
humorous (made-up) story that
scientists have found that all
problems can be solved by opening the clown chakra, located in
the belly. All you have to do is
intentionally give a big belly
laugh and you are cleansed of
your troubles and ready for joy
with your partner!

Dance is a revered part of the art of love according
to ancient Indian texts on the subject. How right
they were! Dancing moves strong surges of sexual
energy within you and toward your partner. Let
your body speak your love by taking turns dancing
for each other. Dim the lights. Decide who will
dance first, and who will be the audience. The
dancer gets to put on his or her favorite music—
it could be a salsa, jazz, or even heavy metal. Dress
for the occasion in an outfit that makes you feel sexy and that your partner will find
sexy, too. Here’s the challenge: You have to put aside your self-consciousness.

I promise if you just take a deep breath and start doing it, and keep your eyes on your
partner’s enjoyment of your display, your self-consciousness will go away. Let any
fearful thoughts (“I look silly” or “I can’t dance”) come up and then drown them in
your mind by concentrating on the music and looking into your partner’s eyes. Feel
the music in your body and let your body move with it. Now switch and let your
partner choose music and put on a sexy outfit to dance for you.


Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined
Dancing for each other.

Guys might need extra encouragement to do this, because usually they have convinced themselves they can’t dance. Give him extra reassurance. Help him prepare
before you do this practice by going out dancing; he should let her lead and copy her
moves, getting close and grinding his groin to her

Tantra Tales
Lori was tapping away on her
computer until late in the night
when Lance turned her chair
around, and began to slither in a
winding motion, putting on a
dancing show for her. Lori was
embarrassed at first, but was soon
delighted at his display. “It
seemed like something a woman
would do for a man, and here he
was doing it for me—and I really
liked it.”


California tantrika Francesca Gentille teaches couples
sacred dancing. “Lead your partner’s attention with
your hands,” she advises. “Move them in front of your
heart area to stimulate your partner’s concentration on
the heart and therefore your loving feelings. Or, to
turn up the heat, rub your hips and thighs.”
Tantrika Marci Javril, a dancer herself, suggests a
woman can benefit from watching a stripper perform.
Go to a club with him, if you’re comfortable with that
idea, or watch it on videotape, emulating her moves to
be just as provocative.

Mirror, Mirror
Dancing together is an activity you can do in the privacy of your own home. Just put on some erotic, sensual music that moves you and let your bodies flow to
the rhythm. Moving together in a free-flow improvisational dance will lead to more stimulation, better

Chapter 15 ➤ Make It Juicy with Magic and Play
orgasms, and higher states of ecstasy together. Mirror each other’s motions to synchronize your mood, erase any sense of separation, and turn you on to each other.
Mirroring each other’s

Men should watch how a woman channels intense sensual energy through her body,
follow her and then take the lead. Bend her and let her melt in your arms—good
practice for what you want to happen when your genitals are locked in a similar
dance. Gaze into each other’s eyes and breathe together as you gyrate; when you’re
ready to reach higher states of ecstasy, fall on the floor or couch on top of each other
and continue the action.

The Hand Dance
In this exercise to do with your partner, put up your hands and let them “dance” together. Let one partner be the leader first and the other follow the steps and then
switch roles. See how it feels to be the leader or follower. Which feels more natural? If
you felt more comfortable being the leader, purposefully be the follower again. If you
were more comfortable being the follower, force yourself to be the leader and direct
your partner’s actions.

Using Your Body Parts
Stand back to back and dance against your partner’s back. Play the same leader/
follower game as in the previous exercise. Try using different body parts to connect:


Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined
your hips, your elbows, whatever you like. Have fun choosing which one, or switch
from one to the other. Get your whole body into the action!

Belly Dancing
You might think you could never do those belly rolls and graceful hand motions that
belly dancers do, but what if you tried it? Even if you can’t dance at all, you have to
give it a try to be a true tantrika (men can try it, too). The secret lies in moving the
pelvis (the key to tantric energy which is what makes tantric sex practice and belly
dancing so compatible).
“Belly dancing is an ecstatic celebration of feminine power, creativity, and sexual energy,” says Christina Sophia, a tantrika who teaches a form she calls sacred-erotic bellydance ( “The sensual, snaky actions mimic orgasm and the
breath as a powerful force moving through the body, with the muscular movements
grounding to the earth and the spinning hands reaching to the sky, connecting earth
and sky, mother and father, male and female. Also, the pelvic motions mimic the
birthing process, connecting you to the source of all life. The benefits are extensive,
including increasing your flexibility, and muscular and internal awareness of your
torso and pelvic regions. It is also a joyful form of exercise and creative expression
that you can do on your own, by looking in the mirror to appreciate your body and
gracefulness, or to enjoy with a partner. The body
awareness and spontaneous creative inspiration will
result in blissful and expansive tantric lovemaking.”

Tantra Tutorial
Belly-dancing beginners learn a
variety of pelvic and rib cage
movements, creating geometric
designs (circles, diamonds, triangles, figure eights, undulations);
correct posture; steps (to the
side, front, back); and arm,
hand, and head movements. To
find belly dancing classes, check
local community centers, telephone directories under Dance
Instruction, or see Appendix B,
“Workshops, Web Sites, Teachers,
and Tantra Communities.”


Sophia’s beloved and tantra co-teacher, William
Florian, says belly dancing brought more aliveness and
arousal into their sex. “Men need to learn to move
that way,” says Florian, who also provides original
singing at their weekend workshops. “Once they do
this, their erections get stronger, they can last longer,
and please their women more.” Sophia says that gradually men are taking up belly dancing. “It’s a way to
re-experience their sensuality, reclaim their feminine
side, and enjoy a creative, joyful outlet for their energy. The snaky, muscular movements are grounding
into more power, not emasculating. Think of powerful
arms reaching up to the sky to connect with spiritual

Ecstatic Dance
A premier dance instructor, musician, and teacher who
runs workshops around the world, Gabrielle Roth
teaches students a moving meditation and workout

Chapter 15 ➤ Make It Juicy with Magic and Play
she calls ecstatic dance. It consists of five essential rhythms: flowing (a fluid circular
motion), staccato (stops and starts), chaos (wild and free), lyrical (trancelike), and
stillness (inner movement). Dancing to these rhythms takes you through stages of
sexual arousal. Music is an essential element to create these progressive moods; use
Roth’s customized CDs or create one of your own.

The Temple Dance
The temple dance starts with a ritual bath, or an erotic version of an ancient Balinese
trance dance. As in ancient times, instead of following certain steps, you channel
your energy according to what your partner needs. In this way, your dance is not
only for pleasure, it’s also for healing.
Sit facing your partner and look into his or her eyes. Watch his or her body language
and movement. Observe everything about your partner and sense what he or she is
feeling and desiring. Then sway to the mood and the desire you sense. Let your selfconsciousness fade away. Allow yourself to change your movements when you sense a
change in your partner’s mood.
Next take more of the initiative, and purposefully entice and seduce your partner
with your movements and undulations. Raise his or her energy and interest. At first,
tantalize from a distance, then move closer. As you feel tingling and waves of energy
flowing through you, transmit those to your partner through your movements,
glances, and gestures. Let the dance go where it will, perhaps leading to a massage or
more, then switch places and let your partner dance for you!

Feasting on Your Love
I have long recommended a healthy way for couples to use food to spark passion. In a
sensuous supper, every aspect—what, how, where, and when you eat—awakens all your
senses. The experience follows the curve of sex from foreplay (shopping and cooking
together, serving each other), to a peak (consuming), to lingering in afterplay (cleaning up).
Tantric lovemaking takes the use of food for pleasure or heightening sensuality to a
new level, where you also become the table! A highlight of tantra seminars called
“Being in Bliss” and “Ecstasy,” run by Butterfly Workshops, is the Gate feast (meaning
“to go beyond” in Sanskrit). In this erotic banquet you prepare seven courses of foods
that are visually appealing, taste good, and can be easily eaten from various body
parts (such as salmon mousse, juicy fruits, and ice cream).
Make abundant portions to create the sense that you can have it all, says workshop
leader Laurie Handlers. Use no utensils and feed your lover with your hands or
mouth, or offer up courses on any part of your body for your partner to feast on. The
experience invariably leaves everyone laughing, loving each other, and wanting to
taste more.


Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined
The erotic Gate feast.

“If you go slowly and savor the experience of giving and receiving pleasure in each
sample and swallow,” explains Handlers, “you go into a dreamy state, making you
feel sexy.”

Games Lovers Play

Ecstasy Essentials
To use food as a turn-on for sex
(called sitiphilia), choose foods
with pleasing smells, suggestive
shapes (cucumbers, artichokes),
colors (red tomatoes symbolic of
her ripeness), and stimulating
textures (peaches that remind
him of her skin).

Tantric sex celebrates games. After all, that’s what kids
do, and they embody the spirit of joy and delight. The
word “game” has taken on a derogatory connotation,
as often it is used to refer to single men and women
playing games with each other, to trap them into relationships. (I have always advised in my dating workshops that you should never play games!) Redefine the
word to have a positive meaning, to represent release,
freedom, and joy. Here are some tantric games you
and your partner can enjoy together:
➤ Make up a story by taking turns to add different themes and events. Let the story go in
any direction it takes, without censoring yourselves or worrying about what it means. You can
speak into a tape recorder or write the story
down, so that you can read it back to each other
at another time.

➤ Picture your love. Make a collage of your love for each other. Collect items
that are significant both for yourself and for your partner and then create your
collage together.


Chapter 15 ➤ Make It Juicy with Magic and Play
➤ Bring out the animal in you and your
partner. Animals are uninhibited when it
comes to following their desires. Play a game
in which the two of you are animals. Get
down on your knees, close your eyes, and
use smell and sound to find each other. See
what you do with one another. See which
animals you chose to be! Are those animals
➤ Play a tune on your partner’s body.
Professional musician Paul Ramana Das not
only plays piano like a virtuoso, he plays
music on the body of his beloved. This can
be wonderful play for you and your partner.
Pretend you are the musician and play a
rhythm on any part of your beloved’s body.
You don’t have to be a musician or know
music to do this, as long as you let yourself
feel what you want to express through your

Tantra Tales
Mae collected CD covers and
Greek recipes because her
beloved is a musician who likes
to cook; he brought used airline
receipts and seashells because she
likes to travel and walk on the
beach. They told each other how
they felt about their respective
hobbies and interests, and how
warm they felt about being acknowledged for their interests.

Tantra Tales
Ted surprised his beloved—and himself—by penning a love poem. “The words just came
out of me,” he explained. “I just sat quietly, thought of Caryn, and started writing.” Like
Ted, let yourself be inspired by the feeling without any second-guessing or judging. Don’t
worry about style, rhyming, or even making sense! Ted’s poem expressed how relieved he
was to allow himself to love again without being hurt. A verse reads:
“My whole body radiates with the warmth and joy of my love and our love,
It streams from my smile for all to see and glistens in the glow of my eyes …
My body is relaxed and my mind is peaceful, calm and free;
Never again will I give up my love to protect from feeling hurt.”


Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined

Creating Sex Magic Through Tantric Sex
Sex magic is an advanced art of tantric lovemaking. Of course, any part of your union
can be magical; however, the phrase technically refers to creating what you want
through tantric union and practices. Sex magic involves several steps:
➤ Create a vision of what you want to have in your life (more love/abundance/
happiness). Lie relaxed with soft music playing. Hold your partner’s hand if you
like. Let your mind wander until an image of what you would like to manifest
comes to you (more love, happiness, even world peace!).
➤ Imagine sexual energy fueling your idea. Draw that energy up through your
body using this book (concentrating, imagining, feeling, and directing your energy to move).
➤ “Feel” your goal silently, or state it aloud to yourself or to your partner. Have
your partner repeat it to you, to strengthen the energy of your desire. Think
about that vision when you are in the highest states of pleasure, such as at the
moment of orgasm.
➤ Cry out “yes, yes” together to heighten permission for the dream to come true.
Creating sex magic.


Chapter 15 ➤ Make It Juicy with Magic and Play
Sex magic is possible through tantric practices because you can visualize what you want while in a
heightened state of bliss, making it more likely
that this will happen. This is based on a valid scientific theory that the brain does not know the
difference between what is imagined and what is
real; therefore, the more you imagine something
desirable as happening, the more you condition
your mind and body to move toward that reality.
You can do sex magic by yourself through the
steps previously described. If you have a partner,
you can take turns doing sex magic individually,
or do it together (having a joint image of what
you want).

Ecstasy Essentials
The Art of Sexual Magic
(Tarcher/Putnam, 1996) by recognized tantra teacher Margot
Anand includes lots of ways you
can create sex magic in your relationship.

Toys for Tantric Play
In tantric sex, the best toy is your imagination, and every part of your body and soul
and that of your beloved. However, because tantric sex is about fun, you also can use
many real toys. Tantric sex toys have special requirements different from just any sex
toys or love aids:
➤ They should facilitate the process of cycling your energy through your chakra
➤ They should encourage sensuality more than sexuality.
➤ They should never distract you from the real
focus of your attention—your energy exchange with your beloved.
➤ They should help you have greater pleasure
and joy and hopefully contribute to your
physical health.
➤ They should bring you increased calmness
or excitement as desired.
Some suggestions of sex toys include the
➤ Crystal onyx massage egg Stronger,
healthier vaginal muscles add more erotic
sensation and sexual energy. The egg is
meant to help develop these muscles, like
doing isotonic exercises. The woman inserts
the egg inside her vagina and pulses against

Blocks to Bliss
Sex toys can carry bacteria unless
you keep them clean. Tantrika
Taylor Lamborne recommends
disinfecting sex toys after use by
wiping them with a solution of
nutribiotic grapefruit seed extract
(available at health food stores)
and water (use 10 drops of extract to one cup of water).


Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined
it. “Such skills help a woman master the ancient eastern art of pompoir (also
called playing the flute), in which she stimulates the lingam just by her vaginal
muscle movements,” says Taylor Lamborne, creator of a Web site that sells such
tantric items at
➤ Crystal Wand This 10-inch curved crystal, clear Lucite wand can be inserted
in any sexual opening. It has different sizes at each end to stimulate either the
woman’s G spot or man’s G spot (prostate). The S shape makes it easier to reach
these areas than with your own fingers.
The Crystal Wand.

➤ Natural rabbit fur massage mitt This soft mitt fits over your hand and feels
soft as you glide it over a beloved’s or your own skin.
➤ Lubricants These applications make sexual activities—from touching to intercourse—flow more easily, and can be crucial for women with problems lubricating (from lack of stimulation or hormonal troubles). Also, gliding motions
prevent damage to delicate tissues during prolonged sexual contact. Perhaps
even more important, they feel good and are just plain fun!
Lubricants should glide easily, without feeling gummy or sticky. They should
also be made out of natural ingredients. For example, some preparations of glycerin are made from 100 percent pure vegetables, are water-soluble and edible.
Choose a lubricant that tastes good, too. Never use anything that disrupts the
chemical balance of the vagina (such as baby oil or cooking oil, which some
people reach for in a rush or when unprepared). Always use a natural substance.


Chapter 15 ➤ Make It Juicy with Magic and Play
➤ Videos As tantric sex becomes more popular, there are more videos on its practices. These are chockfull of helpful tips (more about these in Chapter 18, “Sex,
Song, and Videotape”).
➤ Vibrators Vibrators come in all colors,
sizes, and shapes, just like real genitalia.
Rather than be threatened that you are not
providing enough stimulation for your partner if he or she wants to use a vibrator, see
it as a help to spark for pleasure for both of
you. The constant motion can be stimulating for men as well as women, on all areas
of the body.

Gifts from the Heart

Blocks to Bliss
Be careful when applying a vibrator to tender areas. Ask your
partner what pressure he or she
likes. Never insert vibrators powered by electricity inside the

A tantric sex gift is anything that comes from
your heart that you give to your partner. All the
toys in the previous section could also be gifts. The following are other suggestions.
Check Appendix C for ordering information for such items.
➤ God or goddess wear Choose clothing that is loose-fitting and comfortable. It
should be made of natural fibers, such as cotton or silk, but velvets and beaded
scarves also are popular. Pareos or sarongs are also pop2ular, especially for men;
these are large rectangles of material that can be wrapped around the body in
various ways.
➤ Mandalas, thangkas, mantra designs, and paintings These are artwork of
symbols and designs depicting sacred scenes of divinities, nature, or geometric
forms meant for meditation, as described in Chapter 3.
➤ God and goddess figurines and statues Many gift shops that specialize in
Nepalese and Eastern artifacts offer these.
➤ Books or videos on tantric sex These can be instructional as well as stimulating. I particularly like the ones that add imagery of historical erotic art, like the
book Forbidden Art by Miss Naomi, or the video Hot Sex in Erotic Art from Access
Instructional Media.
➤ Adornments such as earrings, necklaces, or bracelets that evoke tantric sex
or that have the yin yang symbol In tantric sex men also wear jewelry as
adornments and symbols of power, just as they did in ancient times. These include rings, bracelets, necklaces, and even earrings. Tantric adornments also include bindis (beaded designs that are affixed to the third eye), toe rings, and
beaded straps that fit around the second toe and around the heel.


Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined
➤ A can of Kama Sutra body dust
this powder smells wonderful!

Smell is a powerful sense in attraction, and

➤ Pleasure promise coupons These are pieces of paper printed with statements
of what you will do for your partner; for example, I will give you a massage, do
a chore for you, take you to a romantic dinner, please you in any way you want
for an hour. You can make any pledge that strikes your fancy. These coupons are
available in stores, or in my book The Complete Idiot’s Guide to a Healthy
Relationship (Alpha, 2001), or you can make up your own.

Where to Find Tantric Love Toys and Gifts
Of course, there are sex shops that might carry some of the toys that fit the criteria
for tantric sex practice; however, there are also vendors who specialize in such aids.
You can find them at…
➤ Web sites for tantra teachers
➤ Resources listed in Appendixes B and C; for example, Eve’s Garden, a pleasure
shop geared toward women, which maintains a respectful attitude toward
women and sex in general
➤ Recommendations from friends who practice tantra or tantra teachers
➤ Tantra workshops, where there are usually tables of tantra-oriented items

The Least You Need to Know
➤ Tantric sex practices are meant for your pleasure and joy; you deserve it.
➤ Be creative about what you do. Let your imagination go, sense your energy,
and let yourself follow your feelings.

➤ The best sex toy is your own body and that of your partner, but if you purchase a sex toy make sure it’s safe and respectful.

➤ Give gifts to each other to increase your fun and pleasure.


Chapter 16

Advanced Tantric

In This Chapter
➤ What makes a tantric technique advanced?
➤ Examples of advanced tantric lovemaking rituals
➤ Magical love rituals
➤ Advanced white tantra poses
➤ Aids for advanced tantric use

Now that you’ve mastered the basics, had a wonderful time on his and her “best
nights ever,” and discovered some new ways to play together, I am sure you are curious about what could come next. There are endless levels of training and practices in
this tradition, as in many other paths.
In this chapter I will give you a taste of some advanced practices—to take you deeper
into sacred love and the wonders of expanded consciousness.

What Makes a Practice “Advanced”?
It takes time and practice to become proficient at any skill, and tantra is no exception.
Because moving energy in tantra is a powerful force, you need to respect the process
and not rush. But once you’ve mastered the practices as I have described them in
these chapters, you’ll be ready for the more advanced exercises. These are characterized by the fact that they …

Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined
➤ Use breathing patterns in more complicated ways.
➤ Generate more intense energy.
➤ Coordinate more steps.
➤ Clear deeper emotions.
➤ Direct energy in more diverse ways.
Be prepared for powerful rushes of energy that will catapult you to higher states of

A Slow Ride into Timeless Love
Some advanced practices might seem simple on the surface, but truly are more advanced because more skills are required to move energy in a new way. Relaxing into
ecstasy is an advanced practice that California tantra teachers Steve and Lokita Carter
discovered to be so effective in their lovemaking, they adapted it for students in their
various classes at the Institute for Ecstatic Living. It is advanced in that it requires extreme sensitivity to very subtle movements of energy that elicit intense sensations.
“We call it a ‘slow ride into timeless love,’” explains Steve, “because it includes micro
movements, where the partners connect with tiny motions that are no more than half
an inch, yet the results are exceptionally intense.”
Here are the five steps:
1. Ritual Start your lovemaking session by telling each other what you love most
about each other at this moment. This creates a feeling of safety and trust.
2. Communication Agree to try something different. Tell each other how you
feel about it and what you are afraid of.
3. The experience Do whatever you enjoy to get aroused. Once you are inside
each other and have made love for some time, slow down. Resist the temptation
to have an orgasm. Melt into each other and move your pelvis ever so slightly
toward your partner’s pelvis (in micro movements) while looking into each
other’s eyes.
When you both feel ready to do something different, contract your pelvic floor
muscles a few times. Do this at the same time or alternately. Focus on these
small movements, allowing the awareness to increase sensitivity in your genitals. Play with the speed and frequency. Tell each other what it feels like.
After a while, come to stillness. With open eyes let your breathing and the contractions of your pelvic floor muscles carry you into timelessness.
Include the micro movements, stillness, and contractions in your lovemaking.
Move faster, and then return to the stillness. This creates a slow wave of ecstasy.


Chapter 16 ➤ Advanced Tantric Lovemaking Techniques
4. Sharing

After you have made love like this, share your feelings:

➤ Did you feel relaxed?
➤ Were you able to feel your ecstasy in the relaxation?
➤ Did you feel connected to each other?
➤ Is this something you would like to try again?
5. Closing

End your lovemaking by thanking each other and bowing to each

The Magical Maithuna Love Ritual
In Parts 2 and 3 of this book, I introduced you to various rituals in tantric lovemaking. The maithuna is the most elaborate of these rituals and includes many steps. At
one of Bodhi Avinasha’s teacher-training courses for Tantrika International, we observed Seattle tantra teachers Kirby Jacobson and his co-teacher Radhika demonstrate
this ritual. “It is to be done with reverence,” instructs Jacobson. “The power of the
Maithuna is revealed when the couple believes that each movement is a dedication to
themselves, each other, and the universe.”
The sequence of the ceremony includes these
1. Prepare the lovemaking space in the shape of
a yantra (magical geometric design).
2. Purify and seal off the space with blessings in
each direction (including the corners of the
room, ceiling, and floor).
3. Prepare special powders, light lamps with special igniting substances (called “ghee butter”),
make offerings to chosen deities, and massage
each other’s chakras (energy centers).
4. Use hand movements and mantra chants
to invoke and connect energy between the

Tantra Tutorial
Maithuna refers to the coming
together of god and goddess
with the acknowledgement that
everything is sacred, from food
to acts of orgiastic proportions.
The ritual is an elaborate performance using specific items as
part of the sacred ceremony.

This ritual could go on for days!

The Snake Dance
When you really follow your intense energy, it can feel like a snake coming up your
spine. Kundalini is the name of the famous serpent power that lies coiled up at the
base of the spine. Once awakened (through your practices), this energy travels up the
spine. Its journey can take you into new intense sensations, if you go with its flow!


Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined
Intense power surges of this hot kundalini energy rushing up the spine can literally
make you shake—with fear, fury, enthusiasm, or ecstasy. Lack of preparation can lead
to a panic called a spiritual emergency, but with responsible practice you can follow the
inner snake to where it takes you, ending up dancing primitively, seeing visions, feeling outside your body, or experiencing inner knowing.
Following the kundalini
rising for an ecstatic

If you feel uncomfortable, read the book Spiritual Emergency: When Personal Transformation Becomes a Crisis by Stanislav Grof and Kristina Grof (Tarcher/Putnam, 1989),
or call the Spiritual Emergence Network for a referral.

Advanced White Tantra Twosome
Physical practices (yogic poses to move energy) complement your sexual practices, as
I discussed in Chapters 5, “Prep Your Body Temple of Love,” and 14, “Getting Fit
Together for Tantric Sex.” As you progress, these poses can become more advanced.
Here are two exceptional advanced poses, developed by New York City tantrika Carla
➤ Earth to sky salute Stand facing your partner with enough space between you
so you can bend down without bumping into one another. Take a few breaths to
center and connect, reach behind you and clasp your own hands behind your
back with index fingers pointed out. Bend over slowly (one vertebrae at a time),
dropping your head down as far as you can go comfortably and touching the
back of your head. Lift your arms behind you as straight as possible with index


Chapter 16 ➤ Advanced Tantric Lovemaking Techniques
finger pointing up to the sky. Breathe and
feel the energy of the two of you creating a
channel connecting earth with sky (Shakti
with Shiva). Lower your arms and come up
slowly taking care with your spine, and do a
backward bend to balance. Repeat three
times, then do the following pose.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice

➤ Tantric twosome trestle Sit in front of
Remember that every pose has a
each other with your legs outstretched and
purpose in how you move your
slightly bent, with the soles of your feet
energy. Also, always do preliminary poses in a routine, to prepressed together. Reach forward to clasp
pare your body for more
your partner’s hands and interlock your finphysically demanding ones.
gers. Keeping your body straight, raise your
legs at the same time, keeping them between your straightened arms (or outside
your arms if that’s easier). Do five full synchronized breaths together while looking in each other’s eyes. Notice how you maintain your balance in this position
and how that is reflected in your relationship.
Earth to sky salute.


Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined
Tantric twosome trestle.

Advanced Passion Positions and Acts
The Kama Sutra contains many positions and acts, many of which are shown on various videotapes that I’ll tell you about in Chapter 18, “Sex, Song, and Videotape.” But
tantra teachers and students often come up with new possibilities from their own
practice; you can do this, too. The only prerequisites to be sure these fit the tantric
tradition is that they …
➤ Connect chakras (energy centers) to move energy.
➤ Include breathing patterns.
➤ Are part of a practice rather than an isolated act.
➤ Honor one another.
➤ Use the intense energy for a higher purpose.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
To come down to earth and reenter the real world after such
intense energetic experiences
you must do closing ceremonies,
such as releasing spirits, acknowledging your partner, or saying a
closing prayer.


A sexual position is not just an acrobatic achievement. In tantra, it is the passageway to divinity, allowing you to be and see the god/goddess. Once
you can arouse a forceful pool of kundalini energy
at the base of your spine, intensifying it in your sex
center and then circulating it through your body,
you can then send it rising out through the top of
your head in a unified spiral together, reaching
higher states of consciousness, to the point where
you sense an expansion of this unified mass merging with the universe in outer space. There are no
boundaries. You have become divine and merged
with the divine to know true and intense god/
goddess consciousness.

Chapter 16 ➤ Advanced Tantric Lovemaking Techniques

Enflaming of the Dragon Goddess
I love this position because it invokes the dragon, the Chinese symbol of heavenly
power conferred on man. The two steps allow the fulfillment of the ultimate purpose
of positions: to connect with divine energy in yourself, your partnership, and all that
is. “This position and practice just came through me, and I knew my advanced students would love it,” explained New York tantra teacher Carla Tarantola, who discovered this technique while making love with her soul mate and beloved John.
Lie on the bed or floor on your back (head on a pillow for comfort and eye contact)
with your feet to each other’s head, base chakra pressed against each other, and
thighs interlocking. Carla explains, “In this position, John kisses my feet, an act that
opens up my appreciation and energy so much that I want to do anything to please
him. I hold his lingam in my hands, and guide it to make circles at the entrance of
my yoni. Then we make small circles with our groins pressed together, to move the
Enflaming the dragon,
first position, connects sex

Carla continues, “We help each other up into the classical yab yum sitting position,
with his lingam still in my yoni, so the penetration is deeper. We undulate while we
do the fire breath and then draw the energy up into our hearts and the back of the
brain. Then we hold the breath, press our heart centers together, and visualize spirals
of energy and fire connecting us and lifting us higher, while our hearts expand and
merge together. Exhaling, we make the sound ‘ahhh’ and allow the energy to come
back into the genitals, visualizing a golden energy coming down from the universe,
flushing and enlivening all the cells of our physical body. In this way, we experience
a nonejaculatory body orgasm. Then we go into a meditative state and repeat the
building-up process three times before John decides to go into an ejaculation.”


Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined
Enflaming the dragon,
second position, connects
heart centers and visualizes divine connection.

The Kabazzah
It’s no wonder that the sexual skills of the Japanese geishas gained such mystique
with American GIs during World War II. The women practiced an ancient sexual art
that allowed the man to lie blissfully passive. The secret: the kabazzah, in which the
woman mounted the man and only moved her internal muscles to bring him to

The Full Stop
In the full stop technique, you freeze in a position in the middle of lovemaking (take
turns giving the signal) for one minute—becoming aware of thoughts and sensations
instead of ongoing compulsive activity. The Easterners believe that only with such
valleys can the peaks be higher.

The Two New Erogenous Zones
The advanced tantra man knows the full art of polishing the pearl (pleasuring the
woman’s clitoris). One new and effective way to do this is the Kivin method, in which


Chapter 16 ➤ Advanced Tantric Lovemaking Techniques
the man stimulates the woman orally on two
erogenous points on her genitals to bring her to
orgasm within three to eight minutes. The method
requires pressing one point (between the vaginal
and anal openings) while applying pressure with
the tongue on other points located on each side of
the clitoral shaft. A videotape (www.kivinprod.
com) demonstrates exactly how it’s done, with an
introduction by California sexologist Patti Britton.

Tongue Fu

Ecstasy Essentials
The middle finger has more direct, intense energy than the
fourth finger or pinky. Be conscious of which you use with
yourself or your partner. Touch
each other with different fingers,
in different combinations, on
different body parts. Feel the
sensations of each.

In a Taoist practice, a woman strengthens her
tongue by first pushing against an orange or a
grapefruit. She also strengthens her vaginal muscles by attaching weights to hold. These practices
are described by Mantak Chia in his book, Tao for
Women: Cultivating Female Sexual Energy. Similar
routines are described in Chia’s corollary book for
men, Taoist Secrets of Love: Cultivating Male Sexual Energy.

Mudras are positions of the arms, hands, and fingers that connect the energy centers.
There are many combinations of these; they can be placed externally on many areas
of the body, on outside points correlating with inner points, and even reached internally. Every finger that is used communicates a different energy, which you must
learn to become skilled in sending energy patterns to your partner.

Advanced Visualization in Tantric Sex
Imagery sets pictures in the mind that the brain cannot distinguish from reality, so
you are likely to act on these. Taking advantage of this, sexual visions can inspire
physical actions that lead to blissful union when practiced in a meditative, disciplined way. Here are two examples:
➤ The tantric triangle Visualize yourself as a male god-like being with a triangle
of white light at your third eye that points downward (the symbol of the female
yoni), with the lower angle pointing toward the back of the tongue. The angles
become the three doors of liberation, opening to the wisdom of great bliss.
➤ The Shakti shine Visualize the goddess Shakti with blue lights radiating from
her body that enter your body through your genitals and melt a blue radiance
throughout your body.


Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined

Advanced Tuning In: You, Too, Can Be Psychic!
People in love who are having great sex seem to really know what each other wants
and needs. Everybody dreams of being so tuned in to a lover that you can read each
other’s minds—so you don’t have to say what you want because your partner just
does or says the perfect thing. Like Nicole, who was ecstatic when her new lover was
walking in the street with her and blurted out, “I’m so proud to be with you.” It was
exactly what she always dreamed of hearing. Or like Pam, whose beloved Jim whispered huskily in her ear during intercourse, “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve
ever known. I’ll never leave you.” That was heaven to her ears.
The desire to be known so well is one of the reasons people go to psychics, but the
truth is, you can tap into your own intuitive powers. If you get calm and focus, you
will be surprised at what you can accurately sense about your partner. Doing this
deliberately is called a psychic (or energy) reading. I have been to many tantric weekends and massage workshops in which we did a psychic reading of each other.
Everyone is always so surprised at how it is possible (after several preliminary exercises) to read another person’s energy (without really knowing him or her before) just
by putting our hands close to the other person’s body. Once when I did this exercise
with another tantrika, I felt sparks jumping out at my hands at even two feet away,
telling me how much energy (and power) she has!
Do a simple energy reading with your partner. Sit in yab yum and breathe together
for a few minutes to get attuned. With eyes closed, let your hands go to a certain
place on your partner’s body and say aloud whatever comes to your mind. Don’t censor your words! You’ll be surprised how accurate you can be. Some couples feel so in
tune after this, they feel like being closer and making love. If possible, give your partner what you read that he or she needs. For example, Fred was reading his partner
June and heard her (energy) saying, “I need you to hold me tightly like I’ve always

Eight Steps in Deity Yoga
In Chapter 4, “Awaken and Worship the God and Goddess in You,” I introduced you
to many gods and goddesses, and promised to tell you about techniques to bring
their energies into you. Deity yoga does this. In this exercise, you can use your favorite
gods and goddesses from that chapter—the ones you most identify with—or experiment with others. Follow these eight steps to actualize a particular deity to achieve a
certain state of being within you:
1. Set intention. Meditating on any deity should always be toward the goals of wisdom, compassion, and service to others.
2. Sit comfortably in front of a picture or statue and focus. Relax, close your eyes,
and let the image appear in your mind’s eye. After a while, the image will become a radiant being of light. You will feel inspired and blessed; realizations will
come to you.


Chapter 16 ➤ Advanced Tantric Lovemaking Techniques
3. Request the deity bestow blessings on you.
4. Picture the deity as light energy entering your head, allowing it to descend and
then rise through your spine, dissolving into your heart. Feel the essence of the
deity becoming one with you.
5. Focus on yantras, geometric forms that are associated with the deity and trigger
desired energies.
6. Look at the geometrically shaped mandalas with the deity’s image that triggers
certain imagery or emotions.
7. Listen to music invoking such energies. (See listings in Appendix C, “Tantric
Tools,” for some ideas.) Choose CDs whose titles imply the energy, such as
Ecstatica or Trance.
8. Perform mantras, prayers, and ceremonies associated with the deity and characteristics you desire. These can be simple or very elaborate.
The practice of “deity
yoga,” meditating on the
divine to realize a desired

Base Chakra Pleasuring
I will talk more about base chakra stimulation in the next chapter with regard to male
sexual healing, but such exploration can also be a source of pleasure. Be aware that
many partners will cringe at the thought, which can arouse shame, embarrassment,


Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined
and fears (especially for heterosexual men, who may
associate the act with being gay). Yet the presence
of many nerve endings around the anal opening
can lead to arousal. Always respect your partner’s
boundaries, go slowly, and follow your partner’s
cues about when, where and how to touch.

Tantra Tutorial
While you can learn about tantra
and deities on your own, such
study is best under the guidance
of an experienced teacher.

As I described in Chapter 3, “Spinning Your Wheels
and Breathing to Ecstasy,” the base chakra is associated with issues of safety and security; therefore
moving energy from the base center to the heart,
throat, or sex centers brings more solidity to expression in that area. Bring the energy there by sweeping your hand in that direction, and then holding a
hand on each of two areas to connect them.

Base chakra stimulation.

Advanced Aids in Tantric Play
Just like toys are rated for use with age groups, sex aids are appropriate for different
levels of lovers in their practices. Although there is no rating system, trust your intuition about which ones could be above your head (restraints, anal beads) for the time
being. By all means surprise your partner with new sexual pleasures, but when it
comes to some activities you know might be a stretch, discuss readiness together.
One such aid is the Pearls of Delight, a long strand of washable pearls (costing about
$12.95), that can be worn around the neck but also inserted inside the vaginal or anal
canal and pulled out slowly. “Surprise your partner,” says Taylor Lamborne, a California tantrika who sells them. “Wear them when you go out for dinner as a signal of
what’s in store for your love play when you come home that evening.”


Chapter 16 ➤ Advanced Tantric Lovemaking Techniques
Pearls of Delight.

Entering the Time and Space Machine
When you are really adept at tantric practice—specifically meditation—you can
enter deep states of consciousness that take you across time and space. Some people
can do this naturally, but most need a teacher as a guide. Attend a workshop on past
lives or astral projection.

Past Lives Connected to God/Goddess
The idea of past lives might be alien to you, in which case some of these principles
may be hard to accept. Put aside your skepticism for a moment and entertain possibilities of potential value for your personal transformation and exploration of sacred
The principle of past lives is intrinsic, although not essential, to tantric loving because the gods and goddesses come from a tradition that is traced back to the beginnings of time. Becoming one with the lineage of all these deities helps you to unite
with all that is, all that has come before, and all that will be. This merging of time
helps you reach the state of bliss within yourself and the realization that you are
complete without any partner.

Astral Projection
Advanced tantric sex partners can send their love
and sensual connections through the airwaves,
across space as well as time. This transmission is
obviously useful for long-distance lovers, forced
to be in different locations because of jobs,
schooling, or other reasons. People who don’t
think they have psychic powers can find themselves able to do such projected communication—
by deep concentration and “sensing” the other

Ecstasy Essentials
Some advanced practices require
supervision or guidance of a
teacher; seek that out freely.


Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined

The Least You Need to Know
➤ As you master the preliminaries as presented in this book, there are everincreasing levels of information and practices to study.

➤ Practices become more advanced when they add more elements simultaneously, and intensify the energy cycled and the emotions that could be

➤ Advanced practices include rituals; white tantra poses, positions, and visualization; and connecting across time and space through exploring past lives.

➤ Allow yourself to come up with new practices and variations. Trust yourself to
experience new dimensions.


Chapter 17

Sexual Healing
to Set You Free

In This Chapter
➤ The power of sexual healing
➤ Who can be a healer?
➤ What happens during a healing?
➤ Guidelines for the healer and the receiver
➤ Healing the pain of abuse
➤ The effects for the healer and the healed

Until this point I have concentrated on telling you about practices that bring pleasure.
Yes, bliss and ecstasy are the goals and rewards of your tantric path. However, along
the way, emotions will arise. Sexual energy is powerful and any such power will trigger strong emotions. This could be the very reason people resist the practices—the
emotions become too much to handle. The emotional release exercises discussed in
Chapter 9, “Breaking Through Blocks to Bliss,” can help you handle these—but you
might want to set aside some time specifically to handle these feelings.
Specific sessions to free your expression from past pain are called sexual healings. In
this chapter I will tell you about sexual healings, how they happen, and what you
need to know to participate in this most powerful experience.

Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined

What Is a Sexual Healing?
Everyone has been hurt emotionally in some way by a relationship. These hurts unintentionally get stored in the first chakra (where feelings of insecurity and lack of
safety are lodged) and in the second chakra (where feelings of shame and inhibitions
are stored) in men as well as women, blocking the free flow of energy, emotions, and
joy. The blockages can come from past painful relationships; abusive sex; physical
conditions (such as a hysterectomy); emotionally charged experiences (abortion, miscarriages); shame and embarrassment; body hate; intimacy and commitment fears; religious prohibitions; or parental punishments.
A sexual healing involves specific rituals to assist someone through an experience to
clear these pains or blocks locked in the body. It is important to distinguish these
healing sessions from the nights of pleasure we discussed in Chapter 10, “Giving Her
the Best Nights Ever,” and Chapter 11, “Giving Him the Best Nights Ever.” The healing sessions entail more ritualized interaction in which the healer and receiver have
very distinct roles, with the focus on uncovering and releasing any blocks in the receiver’s sexual responses.
When you heal your own past wounds in this way,
your newfound wholeness extends beyond just you.
In fact, you are healing all beings on this planet.
And when you are the healer, you represent many
divine beings who have healing powers. Your actions
help heal everyone suffering from similar pain and
heighten joy for everyone.

Ecstasy Essentials
Love has healing power. At a recent conference of scientists, visionaries and healers (called the
Prophets Conference), scholar
Gregg Braden reported on research that showed that the
human expression of love actually changed the molecules of
water. This proves that emotions
can change surrounding matter.
Find out more at www.

Both men and women can benefit from various techniques used for sexual healing. Hawaii-based tantra
and yoga master Charles Muir is a pioneer in developing these healing techniques for men and women and
has taught them to many trainees and thousands of

Who Can Be a Healer?

There are two types of healers. Your loving partner is a
healer every day, soothing a beloved from the stresses
of the day. However, taking on the serious role of
healer in this sense requires some training. Muir has
proven that couples can learn to do this for each other
in a one-weekend course. “Men can learn in one weekend how to free their goddess to be expressive and enjoy sex, after years of fears that
have been locked in her vagina from past mistreatment by men,” says Muir. “And
women can learn how to heal their god from any past pains he may have suffered
from her or other experiences in his past.”


Chapter 17 ➤ Sexual Healing to Set You Free
Other healers are highly trained dakas and tantrikas, some of whom have completed
Muir’s extensive training course. (The course in his methods requires a three-year
commitment of two ten-day retreats, assisting at various introductory weekends, and
producing case reports.) Some women and men who decide to be sexual healers and
offer services to the public advertise on the Internet. Some do hands-on healing;
using phrases such as “goddess spot massage” or “male sacred spot massage.”

Blocks to Bliss
Just as there are good or bad therapists, and licensed or untrained health practitioners of
all kinds, there are responsible or untrained sexual healers. Be careful when choosing
someone to whom you are entrusting the most vulnerable places in your body and soul.
Use the same criteria as in selecting a good therapist. Do research on the Internet at
tantra sites, and network with people interested in tantra). Ask respected tantra teachers
for referrals. Interview healers intensely about their experience and check references.

What Happens in a Healing
To set the stage for a healing, the healer should create a comfortable space. Spread out
a pretty sheet or soft blanket. Light candles. Ensure privacy and confidentiality (for
example, say, “I give my word that I honor your sharing with complete confidentiality. Whatever happens stays between us.”)
Start with a ceremony that sets both the healer’s and the receiver’s intentions. Hold
hands and speak a dedication. The healer might include words such as, “I devote myself to you and am here for you with the best of love and intention for you to have
the most healing experience you choose.” The receiver might say, “I thank you for
being here for my healing and intend to be fully present for myself in whatever
comes up so that I can be healed. In doing so I will heal others who are similarly

Healing the Goddess
Invite your goddess to lie down and relax. Ask permission to give her a massage. A
healing massage has a different intention from the relaxing and pleasuring massage.
Massage her thighs and entire pelvic and stomach area. When she is ready, put your
hand over her pubic area and stay still. Put your other hand over her heart (if you feel


Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined
she needs to feel your love) or over her power center
(if you feel she needs to feel stronger). Make small
movements around her pubic area.

Ecstasy Essentials
As tantra teacher and master
body worker Marci Javril describes, “Tantric touch in sexual
healing massage is a special way
to approach intimacy and genital
contact. Complete compassion
and attention gives the receiver a
chance to really feel into the
emotions held in the physical
body and to release tension,
frustrations, and anger that could
have been stored for years.”

Releasing painful emotions opens the potential to receive more pleasure, in more places, for longer periods
of time. As a result, even though the sexual healing
ceremony is deliberately not meant to arouse, it can
actually cause heightened arousal from relaxation,
trust, and release. Be aware of the receiver’s potential
escapes from intense emotions, such as ending the session, switching attention to the healer, or changing
the energy to lovemaking. Gently invite the receiver to
return to the moment and emotion that was happening before the withdrawal.
Encourage her to focus on the sensations and not to
worry if there is burning or numbness (typical signs of
emotional pain that is being brought to awareness),
and encourage her to stay with any feelings that may
arise. If strong feelings emerge (yells, screams, thrashing), tell her you are there for her and let her express
them. Reassure her she is safe and loved.

When the goddess says that she is ready to go further, ask permission to enter her sacred space. Go slowly and move your fingers gently as a particular spot might trigger
a reaction. Keep reminding her to breathe, as the breath is crucial to the expression of
the motions, and ultimately of pleasure at the other end of the pain.
The yoni massage.


Chapter 17 ➤ Sexual Healing to Set You Free
Each healing session can be different. One time
the receiver might be calm and even joyous; another time deep pain and anguish can be triggered.
Never consider any reaction bad or dysfunctional.

When the Goddess Love Liquid
If the woman is feeling pleasure during her healing
session, you can accelerate the stimulation of her
internal vaginal canal and stimulate the G (goddess) area, as discussed in Chapter 10. (This stimulation might result in a female ejaculation.)

Tantra Tutorial
For more information, watch the
videos listed in Appendix C,
“Tantric Tools,” about G spot
massage and female ejaculation.
Listen to Muir’s tape about
“Freeing the Female Orgasm.”

Healing the God
Men can achieve the same sexual and emotional healing as women. Although we expect that men more often than women are the cause of hurt in relationships, men,
too, suffer the pain of sexual rejection or emotional upset that needs healing. Sexual
healing also helps the man learn to appreciate intimacy rather than just genital sex,
and to become more open. Female partners are very appreciative, and touched, by a
man opening up, exposing emotion, and demonstrating trust in her by doing so.
The man’s healing can center around his base chakra as well as his sex chakra. Muir’s
healing techniques for the Shiva involve stimulation of the prostate gland (called one
of the male G spots, a hot spot for arousal that is similar to the woman’s G spot).
Some men may be uncomfortable with this, and some critics challenge the process,
but Muir has many examples of men who found it not only helpful to heal hurts, but
also to release pleasure and increase their capacity to love.

Overcoming the Two Major Hurdles in His Healing
During the session, the woman prepares the setting and herself as healer in the same
way described earlier for healing the goddess. There are two major hurdles to overcome in men’s healing:
➤ The man has to surrender. Lying on his back in the more traditional female position makes him feel additionally vulnerable. This is more difficult for men
than it is for women, as men generally much prefer to be in control. Continually encourage him: Say, “Allow yourself to surrender” or “I know this is difficult for you.”


Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined
➤ As I mentioned in Chapter 11, most men have a great deal of fear and discomfort about being touched or entered in their anal area. This is because being
touched there might arouse homosexual anxieties (although there are some heterosexual men who have discovered great pleasure in stimulation in the base
center). To overcome this resistance, the healer must go very slowly, rest a finger
gently at that area, and wait for him to invite her inside.

Instructions for His Healer
His healing, like hers, should always start with a body massage to relax him. After the
general massage, pleasure his lingam using the techniques described in Chapter 11.
Reassure him that he need not have an erection, but should just lay back and enjoy
it. Vary the strokes, using those I’ve suggested or making up your own. Include pleasuring the testicles. Use all your body parts (fingers, side of the arm, breasts).
As Charles Muir instructs, move the energy from his lingam to his base chakra by
stroking the lingam and gliding your hand to his base. Rest an oiled finger at his
opening waiting for him to push against it to show his readiness. Ask, “May I enter
you?” Remind him to breathe and allow whatever feelings come up, and invite him
to heal. Enter slowly, inviting him to tense and release his anal sphincter muscles
against your finger.
Doing a male sexual


Chapter 17 ➤ Sexual Healing to Set You Free

Ecstasy Essentials
There are four male G spots. The two external ones are the frenulum (knob-like protrusion on the underside of the penis where the tip meets the shaft) and perineum (space
between the testicles and anal opening). The two internal ones are inside his anal canal in
a slight indentation (reached by curling a finger toward the front wall in a come-hither
action) and higher inside the anal canal (rubbing around or on the prostate gland). Just
as with the woman, this sacred space can house past pains, memories of either real or
imagined hurts, rejections, intrusions, or abuse.

Expect him to deny feeling anything. Or he may
have strong emotional outbursts (as with the
woman when she receives) that could include
anger at you. Don’t take these personally. Keep
encouraging him to express whatever comes up.
Keep reassuring him: “You’re doing great,” “I’m
here for you.” Go only as far and as long as he
wants. You can reassure him of safety by breathing with him and reminding him to breathe;
this is reassuring when he is deep in the process.

Healing the Pain of Abuse

Blocks to Bliss
Don’t interrupt a receiver’s
process by saying, “Don’t worry
about that,” or “Don’t cry,” because that stops the process. Also
be careful to not interrupt because you are frightened or
threatened; only do so if you
feel the person is in too much
emotional distress to continue.

Sexual healings can have dramatic effects in
cases of abuse. Sadly, so many women have suffered from sexual abuse of one sort or another,
causing them to feel violated or taken advantage
of. For example, many women I have counseled
have been extremely traumatized by past abusive experiences with men in which they feel they were pressured into having sex or
performing a certain sex act—even without force—and afterward felt “used” and
angry. These feelings build over time—even years—creating low self-esteem and distrust of men.
It is important to note, however, that men also have been sexually, physically, or
emotionally abused. As a society we are just becoming sensitive to this; it can and
does happen. One man I know, Carlton J. Buller, had the courage to write a book


Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined
about his experiences of suffering from sexual abuse and the steps he has taken to recover, in Stolen Innocence: The Autobiography of a Lost Soul (Fair Weather Publications,

Tantra Tales
A sexual healing can be a powerful release that is like a miracle for a woman who has
been abused. I have witnessed many such healings; for example, in one teacher training
course, we observed Muir work with one woman who had been abused. He continually
offered encouraging instructions, such as “breathe” and “stay with the feeling”; and used
expert hand movements. She resisted at first, but then screamed as if she were re-experiencing the earlier trauma. As the feelings intensified, she appeared to be reliving a prior
attack, but this time told her attacker off. This empowerment was essential to her healing.
Afterward, her facial expression and body relaxed, and she began to express signs of
pleasure—later reporting that she felt as if a huge block had been removed from her insides and from her soul.

Handling Emotions in a Healing
Of course emotions can come up naturally when you have sex! I have certainly heard
enough stories from women or from their partners, in which the woman has cried
hysterically during or after sex, much to both her and her partner’s panic. Or she
might break out in laughter, causing him to think,
“Am I doing something funny? I didn’t think so!” I always offer reassurance that these are natural reactions,
from powerful pools of energy that are stimulated and
being released in a big burst. Crying, I always explain,
does not always mean present pain; as I mentioned in
Chapter 10, it can be the result of release from pain, or
Blocks to Bliss
the contrast between present loving and past hurt.

When sexual abuse is uncovered
in a healing, further help should
be arranged, by support groups
(of others with similar experiences) and professional therapy
to work through the trauma.


Rules for the Healer
Effective healing requires careful attunement to the
person’s energy. For this reason you need great skill to
do a healing and should only perform one after you
have been to a workshop with a qualified tantra

Chapter 17 ➤ Sexual Healing to Set You Free
teacher. There are certain conditions for the healing session to be effective for the receiver as well as the healer:
➤ Create a safe space physically. The receiver must be able to relax and feel safe.
This starts from the simple provision of privacy and quiet (phones off the hook,
locked doors) and extends to an energetic feeling that he or she can trust the receiver and let go in this setting.
➤ Beautify the space. A person feels more at
ease when the setting is clean, peaceful, and
lovely. Dim the lights or light some candles.
Put flowers and other items that invoke natural elements around such as a bowl of water
and some rocks (for earth energy).

Blocks to Bliss
➤ Take care of whatever you have to so you can
be fully present at the moment. This means
A healer, like any therapist, must
get clean yourself, make whatever phone calls
not use someone for his or her
you need to, or go to the bathroom, so that
own sexual or emotional gratification or needs. This is both unthese things are not on your mind during the
ethical and criminal.
session. Ground yourself beforehand, so you
are not in your own head, and can be aware
of the receiver’s needs. Be aware of whatever
problems, conflicts, or needs you have (anger at your partner, frustration, being
turned on) as these could influence your reactions to the receiver’s process. Set
these aside, so you don’t bring them into the session and project onto your
➤ Set intentions. Verbalize to yourself what you want to have happen. Speaking
your intentions makes them more likely to happen. Say, “I intend this session
for (the receiver’s) highest good, keeping my
own needs out of it.”
➤ Be respectful, especially of personal boundaries. Remember that you are always equal
even if the receiver seems in pain now. Pay
attention to how the receiver feels and what
his or her needs and limits are, what is okay
or not okay for you to say, do, or touch.
➤ Be empathic. This doesn’t mean feeling pity;
rather it means putting yourself in the receiver’s place, as if you are inside his or
her skin.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Be kind to yourself as the healer.
If something is too much for you
(the emotions are too high, for
example), it is better to let the
receiver know than to proceed
and muddy the experience.


Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined
➤ Don’t take anything that happens personally. The receiver might get upset about
something between you that happened in real life, but usually these emotions
can be traced to earlier traumas and feelings. Never defend, judge, correct, or
➤ Follow the receiver’s energy. Of course you might have some techniques in
mind, such as those I have introduced you to in this book, but follow what the
receiver wants and needs. This means he or she is in control of what happens
and when, not you.

Rules for the Receiver
There are equivalent requirements for the receiver as for the healer, as shown in the
following list. This follows the tantric principle that both people are creating a circle
of energy and are equal. The receiver is also healer and vice versa.
➤ Commit to being present in the moment
mind focused on the here and now.

Avoid distractions and keep your

➤ Respect yourself You’re not a victim with a sexual dysfunction but a beautiful
being who wants to be fully released of anything that holds you back from experiencing the full potential of your love.
➤ Prepare your body Take a bath, brush your teeth. Dress up in something that
makes you feel wonderful. Ground yourself to be in your body, not in your head
with worries, anger, and disappointments.
➤ Set your intention Verbalize to yourself what you want to have happen.
Speaking your intentions makes them more likely to happen. Say, “I intend to
relax during this time and allow myself to experience whatever happens for the
highest good of myself, my healer, and all involved.”
➤ Set your boundaries Let the healer know what your limits are. Are there any
parts of your body that you do not want touched? Any actions you do not want
him or her to take?
➤ Make requests Say what you want from the healer, accepting the healer’s
boundaries, too.
➤ Appreciate the healer It is a big responsibility for someone to undertake a
sexual healing for you; that deserves your gratitude.

At the End of a Session
After a powerful experience a person needs to be nurtured and held. Cover the receiver with a blanket, or better yet, ask if you can hold him or her, and how he or she


Chapter 17 ➤ Sexual Healing to Set You Free
would like to be held. A good position is a nurturing one, either spooning the person
by laying against his or her body outline from the back, or lying over the receiver’s
chest area (because the heart is very open and vulnerable now).
A sexual healing is a powerful experience, whether you laugh, cry, or think nothing
much happened. Much did happen—because a strong intention was set, and because
you both directed intense energy in some way. Sometimes the effects might not be
felt for days, weeks, or months later. Share what you experienced and ask for feedback
if you want to, or be silent and allow the experience to be integrated into your being.

Comforting and caring
after a healing.

Be kind to yourself after a healing, recognizing that you have been through a powerful time. Don’t just jump up and go about your business. Instead,
➤ Take time to allow the experience to sink in and be absorbed into your being.
Stay still, lying in bed quietly. Breathe naturally. Let your mind and body rest.
➤ Drink water. Even if your body didn’t move much to the outside world, it
moved a great deal internally. As after any intense physical exercise, drink water
to replenish your hydration.
➤ Take a shower or bath, as water soothes the soul and washes away some of the
intensity of the emotions at that moment and helps you transition into your
daily life.


Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined

Are Healings Effective?
There are no research studies that have been done to show the effects of healings (I
did the first research on the effects of tantric sex trainings, which I’ll talk about in
Chapter 24, “Which Path Is Right for You?”). But many reports from men and
women who have either been trained by Charles Muir, or couples who have taken his
weekend workshops, attest to welcome and positive changes. Some even feel profoundly transformed.

Ecstasy Essentials
The process of facilitating someone else’s healing can also heal
the healer. Being energetically
and empathetically connected to
the other person, the healer may
go through equally intense experiences. As a result, the healer
might want or need to process
whatever comes up for him or
her. Decide on the best time to
do this.

People often want to know whether there is ever a
point at which they can say, “I am healed.” It’s the
same question I have gotten from men and women
who go through any other kind of therapy who want
to know when it is over and they have been cured.
Here are some ways to measure progress in sexual
➤ The decreased intensity of emotional pain
➤ Increased feeling of trust
➤ Increased ability to experience joy
➤ More feelings of giving and receiving love
➤ Less physical pain upon touching various parts
of the genitals
➤ More freedom in sexual expression with a

The experienced healer will also be able to tell
whether there is reduced trauma in the genitals and
more joy in the person in general. Muir has said that
the healed goddess feels more moist inside, her body moves more freely, her vaginal
tissue is softer, her vagina is more open and welcoming. The vaginal muscles become
more elastic and responsive to the lingam, able to pulse and massage the lingam, expanding to receive him and contracting to embrace him. She will look younger, make
more joyful noises, and even smile more!
Some people might require many sexual healing sessions, especially in cases in which
there has been abuse of any kind, and particularly sexual abuse. Others might feel the
need for only a few such sessions.
Some tantric partners request a sexual healing when they are feeling stressed and
want to concentrate on releasing some inner blocks, even if they are not feeling a serious problem. You can request such a session at any time; remember it does not have
to start with or lead to pain. Joy can motivate healing, too!


Chapter 17 ➤ Sexual Healing to Set You Free

The Least You Need to Know
➤ A sexual healing is a powerful session that should be taken seriously; it can
lead to intense results whereby stored-up or even fleeting pains can be

➤ If you do a sexual healing on your partner, it is best to have training from an
experienced tantra teacher at a special workshop or private coaching.

➤ Appropriate conditions should be set for the healing session including creating
safety and setting boundaries.

➤ The receiver of a healing has a responsibility to tell the healer what he or she
wants and needs.

➤ People who advertise themselves as sexual healers should have extensive
training by a professional; you should inquire about their background and


Chapter 18

Sex, Song,
and Videotape

In This Chapter
➤ The importance of music to set the mood
➤ CDs to spark your tantric thrills
➤ The new specialty of tantric videos that tantalize and teach
➤ Picking videos that are right for you
➤ Tantra on the silver screen, over the air, and on the Internet

Tantric lovemaking is about arousing the senses and includes even more exquisite attention to detail than other sex traditions. That means stimulating your aural as well
as visual senses. These senses are important in your tantric practice, so in this chapter
I give you some suggestions about which CDs and videos can help your love life (flip
to Appendix C, “Tantric Tools,” for details on how to order these materials). Some of
the videos have great tips that even I enjoyed—and I thought I’d seen and heard it all!

Tantric Music
Music is key to setting the mood of your tantric sessions. In this chapter you’ll learn
how to use sound to spark your mood and some music that is the best for your practices. List your favorite music for lovemaking in the exercise in this section. Ask your
partner to list his or her choices, too, and see if your choices overlap. Put your choices
in order, as if you put them in a five-CD changer. Make sure to identify the mood the

Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined
music evokes, as that will determine the tone of the lovemaking experience, and give
you some clues about whether you and your partner will be on the same wavelength.
Music for Our Tantra Love Date

CD Title

Specific Cut


My choices:
My partner’s choices:
I have my favorite tantric music handy to load into my CD changer or to take with
me when I lead tantric seminars or teach tantra at workshops or conferences. The
mood that the music evokes varies, and so applies to different tantric practices; for example, meditation, massage, yoga, or dancing up a storm (as in the Shakti Shake or
Dynamic Meditation described in this book). I have favorite artists in the hard rock,
grunge, and even heavy metal style, and others like the classic Barry White that are
undeniably meant for seduction. There’s an increasing library of music that is specifically designed to be compatible with and facilitate tantric practices and moods. These
are designed to open the heart and stir progress from sensuality and tenderness to
tantalization and erotica to a crescendo of ecstasy and bliss.
My favorites include:
➤ Spirit of Love by Awakening Heart; it has a great song “Give Yourself to Love,”
which I play over and over at classes.
➤ Journey Into Love by Sophia, with another terrific song I play all the time in
classes, “Heal Me With Your Love.”


Chapter 18 ➤ Sex, Song, and Videotape
➤ Sex ’n’ Violets by my good friend and brilliant Maui musician Jaiia Earthschild,
whose song “Learning How to Love” is beautiful for intimate settings. Other
songs speak of honoring the goddess or the environment.
➤ Raphael and Kutira’s Music to Disappear In, which sweeps you into an ecstatic,
quietly peaceful state. All their music invokes beautiful prayers and rituals, such
as “The Calling” and “Prayer.”
➤ Gabrielle Roth’s Waves (although others of hers are equally exciting, such as
Bones, Trance, Totem, or Ritual). Some of these have one of my favorite music
styles, what I called “techno tribal trance.” Roth’s music takes you through various stages of activity and sensuality.
➤ Robert Frey’s Opening to Love, a classic in the tantra world for heart-opening and
inspiring healing, and personal growth (also used by midwives, churches, and
hospice groups). Tracks 6 and 7 are especially valuable at the end of a tantric
meditation or lovemaking session.
➤ River of Romance and Worlds of Love by Paul Ramana Das Silbey, with piano
melodies that inspire a romantic mood. Silbey describes how he “channeled”
the music, meaning that he tuned in to ecstatic states and let his fingers just
flow over the keyboard.

What Makes Tantric Music Special?
Certain themes are emphasized in tantric music to facilitate your practices. These include choruses that create harmony between lovers, rhythms that are consistent with
breathing patterns, hypnotic repetitions to still the mind, and tribal sounds to activate the body.
Tantric songs imply blessing the beloved, as in “Blessed One” written by Frey and
Ashana Lobody:
Love so divine, love so compelling
Love with a radiance that outshines the sun
In your divinity I see my reflection
In your tender glance I find my heart
Chorus: Woman and man there is no separation
Goddess and God are one and the same
Children and elder united together
All rejoice at the sound of your name
Breath of my life you shall always be with me
Sweetest Beloved and joy of my heart
Let me return to you all you have given
This treasure unfathomed
This gift of your love


Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined
Tantric songs also invoke honoring, as in this wonderful message from Jaiia
I have to feel honored by you, That’s what it comes down to.
You speak to me with words of love but I feel incomplete.
Words are fine—should be enough but I listen with my feet.
To my feet love is a verb. It’s what you do that will be heard.
I have to feel honored by you, And when I feel honored by you
Then I will unleash my passion for you.
Some tantra teachers have made tapes that talk you through a transformative tantric
experience. Excellent ones in this genre include Raphael and Kutira’s Tantric Wave,
Oceanic Tantra, which guides you through the steps of ecstatic lovemaking from
breathing, to sensuous touch, to heart opening and
sex magic. Another is Robert Frey’s Inner Male/Inner
Female, a guided meditation that evokes male and female energies and brings them together in a sacred
inner marriage in which integration, cooperation, and
harmony are possible.

Tantra Tutorial
Not surprisingly, many magical
tantric musicians come from the
island of Maui on Hawaii, the
land of gods and goddesses; and
San Francisco, known for being
experimental in all realms of exploring consciousness.

Let the Music Flow Through You
Tantra is flow of energy. Performing tantric music, like
tantric breathing techniques, is always attuned to the
energy of the moment. The most gifted musicians
know that they are in the flow, feeling the music from
the inside. I knew that magical feeling when I played
in a band; I loved playing the same sets over and over,
and really getting into the flow of the music. Musicians “feel” the music. Keyboards virtuoso and daka
Paul Ramana Das calls his music and performance
“vibrational engorgement” and “tantromatic.” “This
means I attune myself to the piano as a feminine
divine entity,” says Paul. “I approach the keys as ‘her’
senses, and respond to the inner flow with appropriate
melody, rhythm, flow, and passion.” This is the energy
with which he also “plays” on his beloved’s body.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Make a special CD for your lovemaking. Take turns being the disc
jockey during a lovemaking date.
See what moods each of you
likes to create.


Sounding Chakras
In Chapter 2, “The Basics: Yes, Yin Yang, Yoni, and Yab
Yum,” I described the sounds associated with certain
energy centers. Chanting these sounds evokes their
energies: lam, vam, ram, ham, yam, ooo, oomm. Voice
and sound healer Karin Schelde suggests using your

Chapter 18 ➤ Sex, Song, and Videotape
voice on your partner’s body to evoke energy. Put your mouth close to your partner’s
chest and make any sound at first to express yourself; then the “ahhh” sound of the
heart chakra. It is fascinating in Karin’s workshops to see how some people cry when
this is done, feeling touched in their hearts. Her audiotape Classic Sound Healing takes
you through the chakra sounds to achieve releases.

Ecstasy Essentials
Tantric music might sound “new age” but it’s not always slow and melodic. In fact, some
tantric exercises described in this book have chaotic rhythms and fast beats, intended to
create faster breathing and activation of the body. The Osho dynamic meditation is a
good example of a chaotic action, meant to energize, progressing to quiet meditation
states. Gabrielle Roth’s Bones CD is a good example of music cuts that progressively move
through the stages of relaxation, arousal, and resolution in a typical lovemaking sequence.

Chants That Charge Your Connection
Have you ever heard a song that you can’t get out of your head? When that happens
you are no longer the singer; the song is singing itself. That is how chants work. As a
form of mantra, a chant puts you in a meditative state by simple, repetitive, and
memorable rhythms. Often about love but never sad like the blues, chanting assists
you in the journey to joy and peace. Lyrics can sound almost like a tantra lesson, invoking god/goddess, grace and beauty, and choruses that hypnotically still the mind
and move the body. Often they inspire tribal movements and are done at tantric
gatherings, either in circle or free form.
Henry Marshall, master of chants in CDs such as Mantras, Magical Songs of Power, offers mantras for different purposes. The mantra to attract a partner evolved from
Marshall’s own problems finding a mate. Here’s how it worked for him. First, he
found himself chanting. “As I continued chanting, I began to feel that the mantra
was sending a signal from all levels of my being to my soul mate, and I knew I’d find
her.” After considerable practice chanting and imagining sending the signal, he began
to hear from friends about some woman who seemed to meet his expectations. With
more chanting, their paths crossed repeatedly and they eventually got together for a
date. “Success takes at least 40 days of this practice,” Marshall explains, “but you
must sing from the heart 108 times every day or else start from scratch.” Marshall


Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined
also tells the story of a man who was estranged from
his wife and began chanting. After a while, he had a
vision of his wife as a beautiful goddess, and they got
back together.

Ecstasy Essentials
Tantric songwriter Michael
Stillwater, who holds ChantWave
Celebrations in San Francisco,
describes using song and singing
as “movement that carries awareness into the field of the ecstatic
open heart, using song and
chant as the vehicle.”

Mantras can also be sung to a beloved, to heighten the
love energy. Tantra teacher Robert Frey writes songs
that are sung at many tantra gatherings because the
lyrics stimulate loving feelings and are meant to be
sung to others (not to mention they’re repeated over
and over, making the words and tune easy to remember!):
I behold the beauty in you, I know you are divine
I am inspired by your Light, Shiva Shakti am I
Another beautiful chorus to sing to a beloved is this
one from tantric musician Sophia:
I open my heart to you
and let your love flow through me.

Tantric Videos That Tantalize as Well as Teach
What you see is as important as what you hear in tantra. Instructional sex videos are
becoming more and more popular in the market of sex-oriented videos. Tantric sex
videos usually cost between $19.99 and $39.95, but they’re worth it. You can watch
them more than once, and even use them as background inspiration to your lovemaking without paying specific attention to it.
Of all the hundreds of instructional sex videos I have
seen over the years, most of those geared toward
tantra are appealing and interesting. Some have captivating tantric soundtracks; gorgeous tantric imagery;
and visual depictions of goddesses, colors, and special
effects that evoke the visions of blending energies dissolving into bliss.

Tantra Tutorial
Reportedly more than 10,000
new titles in the adult video category were released last year,
with rentals totaling more than
$3 billion. Obviously there’s
an interest in seeing the subject
of sex on celluloid.


Research by recognized professional sex therapists has
shown the value of Video Assisted Therapy (VAT) in
helping couples get over inhibitions about sex, learn
specific techniques to solve sexual issues (premature
ejaculation, anorgasmia), and learn healthy sexual
functioning. Toronto-based psychiatrist and sex therapist Frank Sommers has couples watch his videos at
home or in another room, and then discuss what they

Chapter 18 ➤ Sex, Song, and Videotape
Many tantric videos contain valuable lovemaking tips; for example, lessons on techniques for the man to delay ejaculation by contracting his PC muscles firmly and frequently.
Don’t believe the myth that men are visual and women are not. Women can be just
as sexually stimulated by what they see as men. That’s why the tantric man dresses
up for his goddess on her night and dances for her—to give her a visual delight.
Research even shows that women are renting erotic films in increasing numbers.
Watch videos on your own or with a partner. Use the videos for enjoyment, or as a
way to learn about yourself and your relationships. Here are some key questions to
ask yourself:
➤ What scenes made me excited or anxious? What is going on in those scenes that
relates to my life and relationships?
➤ What can I learn from the video? Would I feel comfortable acting out a scene I
➤ How comfortable am I letting my spouse know that I am watching these videos?
Can I talk to my partner about what we see?

The Kama Sutra Series: Videos with a Tantric Twist
Some companies specialize in sex videos and have a long history of such involvement. Several are even run by trained sex therapists who have spent years in the field,
studying and teaching about sexuality. One of these is Dr. Michael Perry, the sexologist who did the original research on the G spot.
Perry’s company, Access Instructional Media, has a
number of videos perfectly suited to show you
what other people do sexually. These couplesfriendly films have just the right mix of instruction
and stimulating erotica. The New Lovers Massage
video presents clear instruction on giving and reEcstasy Essentials
ceiving sensual pleasure. There’s nudity but no explicit sexual activity. Sexual Massage is much more
Access Media’s video The
explicit, showing actual massage strokes for the
Amazing G Spot and Female
erogenous zones including the G spot.
The Kama Sutra series, hosted by Perry and
California sexologist Patti Britton, lives up to its
name. It combines ancient secrets and modern
techniques you’re learning about in this book. The
set includes Kama Sutra, Tantra and Tao: The
Ancient and Erotic Techniques for Incredible Sexual
Pleasure, The Ecstasy of Exotic Sex: The Joys of Total
Sexual Ecstasy, and Hot Sex in Erotic Art. The latter is
like taking a trip around the world reviewing sex

Ejaculation shows an inside view,
as never before seen on video, of
the inside of the vagina during
stimulation of the G spot and female ejaculation. Seeing the
moist lining and coloring of the
internal female organ provides a
positive image that can help raise


Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined
in ancient and modern times, and bringing museums of erotic art to life. Perry quotes
the Kama Sutra, saying, “You can have health, wealth, and spiritual well-being but
without good sex you have nothing.”

Honoring the Goddess on Video
You can read about how to honor the goddess, but seeing it happen with beautiful
imagery can give you extra inspiration. Charles and Caroline Muir have made a beautiful film about tantra and female ejaculation. The Secrets of Female Sexual Ecstasy
contains detailed instructions and is erotic and visually exquisite, with gorgeous
Hawaiian scenery, original tantric soundtracks (including by Jaiia Earthschild), and
original tantric artwork that is a sight to behold in itself. The Muirs narrate and
demonstrate the processes of their workshops. The film is explicit but not X-rated,
and shows sexual loving infused with intimacy and caring. The video includes secrets
of erotic kissing and touch, techniques to achieve male ejaculatory control, and instructions about how to do the female sacred spot (G spot), massage, and achieve female ejaculation (a topic on which the Muirs are truly experts).

Other Videos
Initiate Secrets of Sex and Spirit: How to Worship Each Other in Bed shows lovemaking
tips and demonstrations by mature couple Paul Ramana Das and Marilena. There is
lots of useful information here, too; with the most powerful lessons being the use of
music in lovemaking and humming on the yoni, as music is Ramana Das’s expertise.
Ancient Secrets of Sexual Ecstasy for Modern Lovers includes comments from many of the
top teachers, book authors, and workshop leaders in tantra, including the Muirs, the
Ramsdales, Nik Douglas, and Margot Anand. Informational sound bites from these experts are interspersed with staged but sensuous scenes of five couples demonstrating
tantric techniques such as breath control, ejaculatory control, goddess spot stimulation, lovemaking rituals, full-body orgasms, and simultaneous orgasm. Lori Star’s expert demonstration of breathing techniques is very helpful (in case you can’t get to a
workshop and learn it in person).
Sluts and Goddesses is by Annie Sprinkle, who has worked as a porn star, sex counselor,
and workshop leader. Her very risqué video is presented like a “transformational
workshop” that is visually fun, very entertaining, and full of exercises for women to
bring out their inner goddesses and allow wild expression. Her suggestions include
penciling your eyebrows to look like an Egyptian; playing with wigs; decorating your
body with jewelry; changing clothes to change your consciousness (high heels, biker
boots, or Victorian bustier); posing for sexy shots; and experimenting with crystals,
vibrators, feathers, and rattles. Sprinkle mentions every possible trick of the trade,
some of which are very racy.
Kama Sutra II: The Art of Making Love from Penthouse magazine’s video collection is
60 minutes of an extensive and excellent lesson on sexual positions. The scenes are


Chapter 18 ➤ Sex, Song, and Videotape
sensuous and the words used have a tone that’s
consistent with tantra. There are scenes in which
the woman controls the activity tantrically so the
man can last longer. The narration starts with foreplay, learning about each other, taking time to
touch and caress, letting partners know what to do
to give pleasure, and progresses to oral sex and
Positions include those Kama Sutra–like titles, such
as Twining of the Creeper, in which the woman rests
her head on the man’s stomach while looking up
and he gazes lovingly into her eyes; Mixture and
Season and Rice, which entails encircling each other
completely with arms and legs; and Milk and Water
Embrace, in which she sits on his lap and he embraces her from behind.

Blocks to Bliss
Some of the positions in these
videos are complicated and require agility, as in the Kama
Sutra itself. Kneeling for a long
time can also be a strain for most
people. Only do what’s comfortable for you. Work your way up
to these positions. While many
videos do use “real” people,
don’t feel like you have to look
like any beautiful couples in
other videos.

Let your touch travel all over your beloved’s body.
Include light, gentle touches and “pressing of
nails” (an essential tantra technique that sends
shivers up the lover’s body). Start at the neck and
run down the body to the hips. Go up the chest
and down and up the arms, around the shoulders,
down the chest to the hips, making circles. Travel down to the pelvis area, and massage and pull at the thighs between the legs. Keep coming back to the chest (breasts)
to heighten feelings of love.

Tantra-Related Workouts to Watch
An increasing number of fitness experts who practice tantra have developed workout
programs that are compatible with tantric sex principles and practices. Stephanie’s
Tantric Toning combines the physical practices of yoga, T’ai Chi, chi gung, and light
aerobics with guided imagery that invokes tantric meditative states. At the end is a
color light meditation that reinforces self-esteem. Chakra Yoga with Toronto-based yoga
teacher Gurutej Kaur shows an interesting exercise program of very gentle poses
(mostly sitting) that balance each of the energy centers (chakras). The 16 poses come
from the kundalini yoga tradition.

Related Videos on Sex
Educational videos about treating sexual dysfunction were first produced in the 1970s,
and the numbers keep increasing. My cabinets are already full! Some classics in the
field present a variety of proven therapy techniques for sexual dysfunction, hosted by
top educators and therapists and used by many professionals over the years. They include the Better Sex series (with titles like Sharing Sexual Fantasies, Sex Games and Toys,


Part 4 ➤ Going Deeper: More Love and Better Sex Than You Ever Imagined
and Advanced Sexual Techniques); and the Great Sex series from psychiatrist Sommers,
who has done extensive research to prove the effectiveness of using videos to help
couples’ sexual and marital life.
The latest trend is that women are producing sexy videos, meant to present sexuality
from a woman’s point of view. Candida Royalle is a pioneer in this effort. Through
her company, Femme Productions, she has produced many videos that depict
women’s fantasies and realistic scenes where women are sexually respected and pleasured by men the way women like. “Many of my films are highly erotic and show
very exciting fantasy sequences,” says Candida, “but there’s always some relationship,
not just rushing to some sex act.” Titles bespeaking the female spirit include
Christine’s Secret, Sensual Escape, and Rites of Passion (the most tantric-oriented selection, in which a woman discovers ancient lovemaking secrets from a “mysterious
Adonis-like master”).

Tantra on Radio, TV, the Silver Screen,
and the Internet
Tantra is becoming an increasingly popular word, in large part because of shows and
story lines being aired about the topic on radio, TV, and in the movies. For example,
tantra was heavily featured in the film American Pie 2, a coming-of-age movie in
which teens dealing with adolescent angst end up in a perfect world where all the
women are gorgeous and available, and every guy gets his dream come true. As expected, tantra is portrayed as a mystical Eastern trip to perpetual orgasm.
A Hollywood feature film has been produced about Charles Muir’s tantra work, which
follows couples who have been through his workshop. Years ago, the film Bliss, starring Terence Stamp as a daka, was based on Muir’s work. Other tantra teachers have
been approached by producers to make movies about
their work; some of these projects are being pursued.

Tantra Tutorial
Celebrities also make household
words of whatever they practice
when they reveal it publicly.
Likewise with tantric sex, in
which several celebrity names
often are mentioned whenever
people talk about men being
able to last for hours in sex.


The popular TV show on HBO called Real Sex often
airs segments about workshops run by tantric teachers.
And HBO’s popular series Sex in the City included a
subplot in which one of the girlfriends attended a
tantra workshop, fearing something was wrong with
her sexually because her boyfriend had fallen asleep
during sex!
Now that you know more about tantra and tantric sex,
it will be amusing for you to notice when scenes about
it pop up in different TV shows or films. Be a watchdog, and notice how accurate the portrayals are (the
topic can be sensationalized!). When you notice, let
me know!

Chapter 18 ➤ Sex, Song, and Videotape
Over the many years I’ve studied tantra and hosted call-in advice shows on the radio,
I have talked extensively about tantra. My co-host Chris Jagger and I even did one
show in which two friends who were tantra experts demonstrated a pleasuring of the
goddess experience, in which the tantrika had a female ejaculation, thanks to the
daka’s expertise (a classic Lovephones show that many people still ask me for a copy
of!). Of course we had to do a running commentary to describe what was happening,
since it was radio after all, but it was vivid enough that listeners could hear the yelps
of joy and celebration.
Like everything else, tantra is spreading to the Internet, a topic I discuss more at
length in Chapter 25, “A Healing Force for Now and the Future.” Host Bob Berkowitz’s Love Bytes show was a pioneer program that used the Internet to
talk about sexual issues. I’ve done many advice shows on the Internet; on my site at you can send in your questions by e-mail or by video and I
will answer them!

The Least You Need to Know
➤ Your tantric evening of pleasure must have music to reflect and set your mood.
Pick anything that appeals to you, but try CDs especially made for tantric

➤ Music tones vibrate similarly to the chakras, so you can control energies you
want to stimulate with the music.

➤ The value of videos that show couples in loving interactions has been proven
by research; it can be healthy to watch educational videos about sex with your

➤ There are an increasing number of erotic films being produced that are specifically made to demonstrate tantric practices and sexual positions.

➤ One measure of how much a topic is becoming part of the popular culture is
how often it shows up in the media. This is happening with tantra, as more
shows include the theme in their broadcasts and projects. The Internet also offers a wide opportunity for sexual topics to be discussed.


Part 5

Dating and Mating Tantra Style
Hopefully you’re convinced by now of how good love and sex can be—or have had an
experience of “the best ever.” Now what about the impact on your relationship of
doing these practices? What if you’re excited about this new path but your partner is
not? Or if one of you finds someone else to share with? Or perhaps you’re enticed
about what you’ve been learning in these pages, but don’t have a partner to practice
All is not lost! Yes, on any powerful new path such as this one, things can get rocky.
But there is always a solution to any problem. In this part, I’ll help you find those solutions. If you’re looking for a tantric partner to practice such delicious loving with,
I’ll give you suggestions about how to find one and manifest the love you want! Deep,
passionate, exhilarating love IS possible—you’ll see that in some amazing stories
about couples who are sharing the tantric path, tying the knot, and doing it in grand
tantra style! The beauty of their love, and what is possible for you, will be inspiring!

Chapter 19

Singles, Sex,
and Tantra

In This Chapter
➤ You are the beloved: loving yourself first
➤ The search for Mr. or Ms. Right
➤ Attracting a tantric mate
➤ The two love lessons you should know
➤ Safe sex when practicing tantra

Now that you’ve been reading all these undoubtedly compelling things about tantric
sex, you must be excited about the experiences. Hopefully you’ve had a chance to
practice them—with or without a partner. Of course, practicing tantric exercises is
more fun if you do them with someone. I have said, after all, that tantric sex is about
union to reach bliss.
But if you don’t have a partner now, don’t be discouraged; you can reach this bliss on
your own—by being your own beloved. You can benefit a great deal from your solitary
tantric practice and continue when another beloved comes along. No excuses! Your
path of channeling your sexual energy to higher states of consciousness and bliss is
possible no matter what else is going on in your life. In this chapter you’ll learn just
how to do that. I’ll tell you how singles can enjoy tantric sex alone—but also, how to
approach that search for your beloved, and where to go to find like-minded singles
interested in pursuing the tantric path.

Part 5 ➤ Dating and Mating Tantra Style

You Are the Beloved
Whether or not you are with someone, always remember that you are the beloved;
this is a basic principle in tantra. Whether you have a new boyfriend or girlfriend, a
mate that you have been with for a short time, or a lifetime partner, you are still
whole within yourself. The first step in tantric sex is to create that wholeness within
yourself—the union of male and female energies and all the qualities that implies, as
outlined in Chapter 2, “The Basics: Yes, Yin Yang, Yoni, and Yab Yum.” Tantric sex
gives deeper meaning to a statement you are likely familiar with: You have to love
yourself before you can love anyone else. So look in the mirror and fall in love—
with you!
Fall in love with yourself
as the beloved.

One of my favorite exercises to help people develop self-esteem is to take yourself out
on a date. That means you treat yourself as well as you imagine you would be treated
by someone else. In Chapter 7, “Setting the Stage for Your Tantric Nights of Pleasure,”
I described how to prepare for a tantric date with a beloved. Refer to that chapter and
do all the steps described there, but for yourself! In summary that means …
➤ Clean up your house as if that special someone was coming to call.
➤ Take a bath or shower, and shave or put on make-up as you would if you were
about to see someone special.
➤ Pick out a special outfit that you’ve been saving for that special someone to appreciate. Choose something particularly sexy or alluring. Remember that tantric
clothes are flowing, comfortable, enticing.


Chapter 19 ➤ Singles, Sex, and Tantra
➤ Choose a place to go that you would take a special someone. You can go out to
dinner on your own! What movie did you always think would be great to see
with someone you could cuddle up to? Treat yourself to that movie.
➤ Take that special walk, gaze at the moon, or whatever romantic, fun, or exciting
thing you would do with that special someone.
Remember that you are that special someone. The more you practice loving yourself
and treating yourself well, the more you will create that loving aura around you.
People will notice and be drawn to you. You may even have noticed that as soon as
you stop looking for that special someone (and appearing desperate), that’s when he
or she appears in your life. Check out some great ways to build your self-esteem in
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dating.

Meeting Your Match
Looking for that perfect mate has traditionally been referred to as the search for Mr.
or Ms. Right. In recent years, the slang term for this has been hooking up, which actually means anything from meeting someone you really enjoy being with, to sexual interactions with that person (and even then, the term includes anything from kissing
to a one-night stand to seeing someone regularly).
In tantra, the phrases for meeting your match are different. To me they sound more
spiritual, more flowery, more respectful, more honoring. The most common word
used is connecting. A phrase would be that you “feel the energy between you.” These
words are meant to express the energy between two people, which is intrinsic to the
tantric way of life and implies not only a sexual interest, but a deeper spiritual attraction.

Conscious Flirting
In tantra, everything is done consciously. That means you are aware of your actions
and have only positive intentions, which results in the best outcome for all. Francesca
Gentille and her partner Brian Bourke, a tantra teaching team, lead workshops in
what they call conscious flirting (see Appendix B, “Workshops, Web Sites, Teachers, and
Tantra Communities”). Participants are asked to identify their intentions when meeting someone new. Knowing this intention also helps if you are “striking out.” “If you
flirt to make yourself feel good you won’t be as successful as if you do it for the others
person’s good,” says s. Being conscious of your behavior and intention allows you to
look at what you might want to shift, making you more effective.
Other exercises include role playing how you flirt, to see more objectively how you
come across and decide whether you like what you see in yourself and how you make
the other person feel (some are shocked at what they see!). Bourke notes two exercises
that particularly empower men to choose whether to follow up an interest. In the
steel ball, they imagine themselves as a steel ball rolling down a slope. The steel ball is


Part 5 ➤ Dating and Mating Tantra Style
symbolic of moving with determination toward that
goal but slow enough to stop at will. In the pass up the
pass, the men practice exchanging smiles with an attractive woman but walking by and just enjoying a
warm feeling inside without having to follow through.

Tantra Tutorial
Tantra demands respect for
other’s boundaries. Being careful
about approaches is important in
today’s society. Be aware of differences in what is acceptable
according to different cultures
and alert to approaches that are
unwelcome and therefore subject to being considered sexual

Ecstasy Essentials
Because men can go too slow or
too fast in dating, tantra teacher
Brian Bourke advises them about
the pacing window, meaning
they should ask a woman outright what she wants (“Do you
want me to call you tomorrow or
next week?”).

Who Is Mr. or Ms. Right?
In tantric sex your whole idea of the perfect mate can
change, as you look beyond the superficial values at
who the person really is. This means seeing the
god/goddess divinity as opposed to thinning hair or
size 14 dress. Be open to the possibilities. You could be
surprised who shows up in your life—that someone
special could be someone you never imagined!
Remember that the basic—and beautiful—spirit of
tantra is to look beyond the physical being to see and
connect inner souls. Remember one of the basic exercises is to look into the eyes of another to see the
god/goddess within that person. Look into his or her
eyes and see beyond age, race, height, and any of your
preconceived notions of whom you should be with. It
is striking, isn’t it, how different this concept is from
our culture, which is so bound to the physical and so
rooted in our stereotypical images. Eight out of ten
men today still rate a woman’s looks as the first thing
that attracts them.
Yet in tantra, when you truly look beyond the physical, you find new love matches. In my book How To
Love A Nice Guy, I wrote about how women can find
the true love they seek if they look beyond their usual
love criteria—beyond a dashing Armani suit, flashy
Mercedes, or shiny Platinum card—to assess instead
whether he’s a nice guy who will really treat her well.

Of course, there are factors that make a couple more
compatible. There are lots of tests you can take of your
compatibility in my book The Complete Idiot’s Guide to
a Healthy Relationship. Couples are more likely to get
along when they agree on several important dimensions of a relationship: how to
raise children and spend money, what kind of sex they like, what kind of lifestyle
(quiet country dwelling or bustling city life) they want, and basic values to follow. But
here’s my general rule: You can make any relationship work, if you really want it to
work—if you both are really committed to getting along, and you deeply love and


Chapter 19 ➤ Singles, Sex, and Tantra
respect each other enough to work out any differences. Yes, you might have to work
at the relationship to get past your own or one another’s prejudices, but you can
make it work if you want to.

The Beloved Shows Up in Surprise Form, If Only for Now
If you walked into a room of couples doing tantric sex workshops, you might be very
surprised. You might see married couples, or singles who connected for the first time
who don’t fit a classical mold of the perfectly matched couple. Why is that? Because
people following the tantra path are drawn energetically to each other and fall in love
based on deep emotional connections that have nothing to do with mere physical

Tantra Tales
Frances is 54 years old, 5’2” with gray hair, and admittedly twenty pounds overweight. In
one tantra workshop she sat next to Octavio, a 21-year-old, 6’4” Brazilian man whose
stunning looks turn women’s heads. When asked to energetically find someone to pair up
with for the next exercises, they turned to each other and ended up doing an emotional
release process together. From that time on, Frances curled up into Octavio’s arms during
the rest of the workshop. “She’s beautiful,” Octavio told me. “She’s certainly not my typical type—I date tall, stunning, Spanish-looking models. But I need to be with a real
woman here who is kind and who can help me grow.”

Over-50 Pauline, a fiery, outgoing Italian woman, met 26-year-old Lee, a quiet guy of
few words. Pauline was well into her career and owned a house; Lee was still in school
and lived at home. But Pauline fell for him; as she explained, “He was kind and faithful and I could count on him for everything. He would always come when I needed
him. He set up my computer. He listened to all my worries. Best of all, he learned all
the tantric sex practices with me.” They were inseparable for several years, but even
Pauline herself knew that it was not forever. “I had been hurt so often by so many
men and Lee was safe. Being with him taught me how to trust again.” Pauline’s new
boyfriend is her own age. “Lee was my training for love,” she explains. “Often there
are relationships that prepare us for the next true love.”


Part 5 ➤ Dating and Mating Tantra Style
Energetic connections go
beyond age.

Quiz: Are You Ready for Your True Tantric Sex Partner?
Answer the following questions about what qualities your tantric partner might possess. Add more questions, if you like.
Can Your Tantra True Love …
1. Be much younger than you?
2. Be much older than you?
3. Be of a different race?
4. Have less money than you?
5. Have dark hair instead of blonde hair?
6. Be balding?
7. Come from another country?
8. Be a different religion from yours?
9. Have children from a previous relationship?
10. Be a night owl when you’re an early bird, or vice versa?
11. Dress differently from the way you do?
12. Other:


Chapter 19 ➤ Singles, Sex, and Tantra
If you answered “yes” to six or more questions, you are open to love without being
tied to convention or preconceptions about whom you should be with. If you answered “yes” to fewer than four questions, your concept of who is right for you could
be preventing you from making a wonderful connection. Go back over your answers
and see what it would feel like if you answered differently.

Sensing, Not Scoring
Whether you consider being a sex object politically incorrect or even enjoy it for a
momentary thrill, tantric sex will shift your mind from that to a whole new attraction. Even women who have been more aggressive in scoping out men for reasons of
sexual desire find themselves using new attraction criteria. As one woman, Marcy, put
it, “I used to walk into a room and decide who I was going to hit on, which hot guy I
would take home for the night, but now that I’ve been practicing tantric sex, I realize
that’s empty. My body is my temple now, so I don’t want just any man.”
Now that she doesn’t just zone in on hot guys for sex romps, “the pickings are a little
slimmer.” Indeed, for Marcy and other men and women practicing tantric sex, the
choices for partners might seem slimmer because she is more discriminating. In fact,
there are more possibilities of partners when you look beyond the obvious and into
someone’s inner being. As another woman said, “I don’t care how old or rich he is, I
just care if he’s big enough to hold my energy, to accept my anger, and to invite my
love.” Quoting singer Sheryl Crow’s song lyric,
“Are you strong enough to be my man?”, another
woman said, “I want a man who gets who I am,
instead of having some Barbie doll fantasy.”
Similarly, men want a woman who sees beyond
their income potential or the kind of car they
drive. As Andrew said, “I’m sick of women who
just want a rich guy.” And Joe wanted to know,
“Where are all the women who want nice guys instead of all those guys who treat them badly but
they think are cool?” Fortunately, as a woman matures, she more often goes for the nice guy. Any
woman can learn to pick these more loving men;
I’ve laid out a 10-step plan to do this in my book
How to Love a Nice Guy.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Because the lingam and yoni are
energy transmitters, it is wise to
be discriminating about having
sex with someone, since doing so
invites their energy into your
body and soul.

Finding Your Soul Mate on the Tantric Path
Of course, once you’ve committed to a tantric way of being it can be wonderful to
find a like-minded person on a similar journey. This makes life easier because you understand what each of you is striving for, in yourselves and in a partnership. You’re
on the same wavelength because …


Part 5 ➤ Dating and Mating Tantra Style
➤ You already have a common language. You know what she means by “chakra”
or what he means by his appreciating your “Shakti” energy.
➤ You can encourage each other in your practices and remind each other to do the
breathing exercises or yoga practices.
➤ You can support each other in your affirmations.
➤ You can accept all parts of each other, even at difficult moments.
➤ You can trust that you will strive to treat each other with respect and honesty.
➤ You can create sex magic together, knowing the steps to do this.
➤ You can give each other space to grow.
➤ You know the feeling of being “one” together and with all that exists.
A soul mate is someone you feel is a perfect match for
you. Usually a soul mate is recognized in these ways:
➤ You feel you’ve known each other forever.
➤ You can sense what your mate feels before even

Blocks to Bliss
Don’t assume that a student of
spiritual sex is automatically
emotionally mature, sexually liberated, and psychologically
healthy. He or she can have the
same problems in relationships as
others. Problems with intimacy
and commitment can be even
more intense at times, since
practices and emotional release
processes might trigger previously
unnoticed conflicts.

➤ You feel you were destined to be together.
➤ You know and appreciate each other on a
deeper level than you feel with almost anyone
➤ You might feel you shared past lives.
Most people are searching for that perfect soul mate.
Some experts on the topic say there are only a few perfect soul mates, twin souls or twin flames. More optimistically, it is possible to develop a relationship that
feels deeply intimate and touches your soul with a
partner who might not fit the previous characteristics.

Practicing tantric sex offers even more hope, because
tantric sex means connecting; not on the superficial
level, but at your soul level. Also, according to tantric
sex, every person is considered a divine soul. As a result, you can connect with his or
her divinity if you open yourself to it. According to this point of view, you might find
more soul mates out there than you thought.
Astrological readings to connect spiritual singles are consistent with tantric respect for
the heavens and balanced matches. There are dating services based on what’s called
“Indian vedic astrology,” a particular system of interpreting the effect of the planets
on your life that promises profiles specifically geared toward earthly gods and goddesses on the tantric path. (One such site is


Chapter 19 ➤ Singles, Sex, and Tantra

Getting Ready for the Beloved
Of course you have to be prepared for that special
beloved to enter your life. That means you have to
clear your conflicts about being in a relationship
and any problems you might have stored up from
past relationships. I have encountered many men
and women who say they want commitment but
who are unsuccessful at meeting people. If you are
not attracting a partner, look inside yourself to
make sure you really want a commitment and are
not unconsciously sabotaging your efforts to meet
someone. Also, confront the limiting beliefs you
might have about finding your tantric match,
such as:
➤ There are no good ones left; they’re all taken.
➤ Even if I find someone, it’ll turn sour anyway.
➤ I can never be happy in love.
➤ Whenever you have sex with someone, it
always ruins the relationship.

Tantra Tutorial
Research shows that certain
chemicals flow in our body when
we encounter some people.
There is also conditioning involved with attraction in that if
we have positive experiences
with a certain type of person we
tend to want to repeat those experiences; negative past experiences tend to make us avoid
people who remind us of those

➤ I always get hurt in the end.
➤ I’m destined to be alone.
➤ I’m better off being alone.
➤ Tantric lovers are always prone to affairs anyway, so I’d never have someone to
➤ It didn’t work out last time, so what can I expect now?
Catch yourself in these beliefs. Read each one and turn it into a positive affirmation
that states how possible this type of love is for you. For example, change the phrase
“I can never be happy in love” to “I will be happy in love.” Feel how much happier
you already feel when you say it the new, more positive way!

Bringing in the Beloved
Tantra practices are all designed to open you to love; therefore it is not surprising that
some singles have found true love after starting their studies. As Celia told me, “I realized after my third weekend that even though I was complaining I didn’t have a man,
I was closed off emotionally and angry at men for using me in the past. Once I got
over that anger and learned to love myself and my yoni, I was open to Bill when I
met him and I could let a man touch me deeply inside and out again.”


Part 5 ➤ Dating and Mating Tantra Style
Because tantric sex involves rituals, some people do rituals to draw in the energy of a
partner. You might think of these as witchcraft or black magic; if anything it is white
magic, as we are talking about bringing in love—not doing harm to anyone.
A ritual to bring in a beloved might involve this process: Look at the moon, especially
when it is full. Invoke spirits (of Mother Earth and Father Sky, god/goddess, grandparents, those who love you) to be your aides. State a desire clearly, such as “I declare
that my beloved will come to me by next week.” State what qualities you would like.
End with assurance, “It is done” and an affirmation that “It is for the good of all.”
Bringing in the beloved.

Where to Go
So many people ask me, “Where do I go to meet someone?” My book The Complete
Idiot’s Guide to Dating is chock full of advice about where to go (and what to say and
tests about who is right for you). From all of that, my favorite advice is: Go to places
where you will enjoy yourself. This works for several reasons:
➤ You will be happy; therefore you will glow and people will be attracted to you.
➤ People with similar interests will be in the same place.
➤ You’ll be so involved in what you’re doing that you won’t seem like you’re looking for someone (which can be a turnoff).
➤ Even if you don’t meet anyone, you will have had fun!


Chapter 19 ➤ Singles, Sex, and Tantra
Here are some concrete suggestions about where to find tantric soul mates:
➤ Tantra seminars, parties, and introductory events.
➤ Classes in yoga, T’ai Chi, and related Eastern fitness programs.
➤ Spirituality conferences and retreat centers.
➤ Flyers posted in bulletin boards at spirituality bookstores, health food stores, and
meeting places.
➤ Stores that sell Eastern items or gifts.
➤ Bookstores in the section that sell books on tantra and related spiritual practices.
➤ Workshops on related topics (relationships, personal growth, spirituality)
through organizations such as the Open Center, Learning Annex, Seminar
Center, and Omega Institute.
➤ Events and retreats related to spiritual leaders (Osho and others).
➤ Personal ads posted in magazines, newspapers, or on the Web.
➤ Through friends and people you meet about tantra. (You never know whether
the person sitting next to you on a plane could be your next tantric beloved. It
has happened to at least two women I know who almost gave up on finding
their beloveds.)
➤ On the Web. Surf for sites related to tantric
sex (just type the word “tantra” in your
search engine or start from;
join tantra newsgroups; join in on chat
rooms. Set up your own Web site and include
your interest in tantra.
➤ Refer to the listings in Appendix B.
Once you go to one of these events, you will become networked into the tantra community and
more resources will naturally come your way.

Two Love Lessons You Wish
You’d Learned When You
Were Young

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Instead of waiting for the perfect
tantric mate, you can develop
loving friendships with tantra
buddies. These are platonic
friends with whom you share
some practices but who understand that you are not romantically committed partners.

Wouldn’t it be nice if you didn’t have pain in relationships, and if you didn’t feel you
wasted your time trying to make something work that was wrong all along? Colorado
tantra teacher and psychologist Shavana Fineberg suggests the following two lessons
to keep in mind to prevent those problems. “These can save you a lot of aggravation,” she says.


Part 5 ➤ Dating and Mating Tantra Style
➤ Just because you’re incredibly attracted to someone doesn’t mean it’s a good
match. Lust and looks can be deceiving, whereas real energy between people is
more lasting and genuine.
➤ If the amount of energy you’re putting into a relationship isn’t the same as what
you’re getting back, don’t pursue it. Fineberg recounts a female friend who handles dating wisely. If someone is not really interested in her, says Fineberg, she
doesn’t have to force herself to resist calling him like so many other women—
she is genuinely not interested. She says, “I have enough problems, so if the
other person doesn’t want to be with me, I don’t want him with me either!”

Safe Sex When Practicing Tantra
Some experts estimate that there is a risk of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) in
the tantra community because of the accessibility of intimate contact between men
and women, men and men, women and women, and even groups. Partners might be
misled into unsafe sexual contacts because of the expectation of “trust” surrounding
the practices. This expectation could lead to unwise assumptions and prevent someone from quizzing others about their sexual past and present health status.
I have been invited to lecture about the importance of safe sex at some tantra seminars, and have noticed there is not enough attention paid to this subject. One fact
that should be emphasized to prevent the spread of
disease is this: Even if you don’t notice any symptoms,
you can still have an STD and pass it on to someone
else (as is the case with herpes and early stages of hepatitis C). I implore all tantra initiates and experts to
pay attention to this issue!

Blocks to Bliss
Tara had unprotected intercourse
with a new tantric lover who
proclaimed that he did not have
any diseases, but she contracted
a yeast infection from him. Find
out what a person means by
“disease.” Also be aware that
men as well as women can transmit infections. And of course, always use protection!


Be aware, too, that some people with an STD that
stays in the body (such as herpes), do not admit this,
rationalizing that they are not contagious because
their energy has no intention to do so. When Lara
found out that Don had herpes but insisted he would
not spread it because he had no such intention, she
was understandably furious about not being informed.
Be vigilant about asking, and telling, your partner
about your sexual health history and risks before you
engage in any intimacy. Always practice safe, protected
sex to protect against STDs and unplanned pregnancy.

Chapter 19 ➤ Singles, Sex, and Tantra

Keeping Confidence
My advice to singles throughout The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dating is to enjoy life
and keep confident that love is possible—and everywhere. Tantra teacher Joan
Heartfield, co-founder of Conversations That Matter for singles agrees and says, “Your
love relationship is waiting for you at each unique moment.”

The Least You Need to Know
➤ You can enjoy a tantric sex lifestyle even if you are single. There’s no need to
wait for the beloved; you are the beloved!

➤ When you see the divinity in all beings, you can expand the possibilities to find
someone to love.

➤ To find other singles who are interested in tantra, go to events for tantra,
search the Web, and talk to other people about your interest.

➤ Two love lessons are best learned early: Real energy between two people is
more important than a mere physical attraction, and the amount of energy
you and your partner contribute to the relationship should be about equal.

➤ Like any sexual activity, always practice safe, protected tantric sex to protect
yourself against STDs and unplanned pregnancy.


Chapter 20

Tying the Knot
Tantra Style

In This Chapter
➤ How tantric marriages are different from traditional ceremonies
➤ Examples of beautiful tantric wedding ceremonies
➤ Dedications that couples make to each other
➤ Personal stories from tantric brides and grooms
➤ How couples continue to dedicate their love

Practicing tantra with a partner can lead to such intense and beautiful love between a
couple that they want to celebrate that love in a marriage ceremony that integrates
some of the rituals they have learned and cherish. Although not a legal process according to state laws, these ceremonies are meant to mark a couple’s commitment and
honor their union—for themselves and for their friends and family.
These ceremonies are often exquisitely original and elaborate, with eloquent dedications of love. In this chapter, you’ll meet several couples who have created such joyous festivities. Of course, the love and joy of any wedding is precious, but I know
you’ll find these stories interesting, and maybe even inspiring!

Part 5 ➤ Dating and Mating Tantra Style

The Unique Aspects of a Tantric Marriage
Every culture has its beautiful—and idiosyncratic—rituals for important events such
as weddings. Greeks dance with handkerchiefs; Jews lift the couple into the air on
chairs; I’ve even witnessed two Christian weddings where the couple was wrapped in
a braided rope to symbolize their union. Tantra, too, has its special rituals.
Bridal magazines and books today are filled with wonderful ideas on making the ceremony special. There’s even a trend for couples to be quite original—such as marrying
while scuba diving, sky-diving, or hot air ballooning! Tantric ceremonies are equally
creative, although they vary from tradition in some ways:
➤ The wedding does not have to be traditionally
legal. The couple might never get a state license
or they might get one at another time. Declarations of devotion often will do.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
A tantric wedding ceremony
needn’t be elaborate or expensive to be profound. The rituals,
dedications, and guest participation can be just as (or more!)
moving than my $30,000 wedding with eggs made to look like
penguins, and a Viennese dessert
table that could fill a bakery.

➤ The only people who need to be present for the
marriage are the tantra bride and groom! Vows
can be said that feel binding without anyone
actually presiding over or witnessing the ceremony.
➤ Priests and priestesses who preside over the ceremony do not have to be traditionally licensed
either; they could be friends given the honor to
perform the role. Often the couple’s tantra
teacher officiates.
➤ The couple might have many marriage ceremonies and events, to commemorate and celebrate their love.

Many tantric wedding ceremonies have similar elements that mark the occasion.
These include:
➤ Symbolic places to make vows The choice of locale is influenced by the elements the couple would like to call in. It might be a forest for its earth connection, as a symbol for being grounded with each other; a mountaintop at dawn
for more visionary, sky energy; or a secluded cave, dusty desert, or other holy
place where spirits abide. Ceremonies near water are always magical and consistent with tantra’s emphasis on cleansing.


Chapter 20 ➤ Tying the Knot Tantra Style
➤ Creative dedications More couples today are adding their own statements
to traditional wedding ceremonies even if they are strictly religious. Tantric
weddings have no boilerplate, so partners let themselves be totally free with
what they say to each other.
➤ Being in the moment Tantra teaches you to be present in the moment, so it’s
no surprise that some couples unite on an impulse. You’ve heard of quickie Las
Vegas weddings; well, in tantra, couples can be as spontaneous, deciding to
marry at a beautiful moment, walking on the beach at a particularly beautiful
sunset, during a party where friends are already present, or sitting together in
their bathtub!
➤ Picking an auspicious time Some tantric couples wait for a particular day,
consistent with the tradition of correct timing (as with Chinese philosophy
where certain times are more auspicious than others and predict a happier future for the couple). The determination often rests on the moon’s shape or the
particular alignment of the planets.
➤ Specific references to uniting male and female energies Because tantra is
based on the balance of opposites, tantra marriage ceremonies often include references to the coming together of male and female energy.
➤ Acknowledging that we are the world Tantric consciousness reaches out to
the world, so the activities and spoken words in the ceremonies reflect this universal consciousness.
➤ Including more than two This is an advanced idea in tantra. Because love
can extend to several people, more than two people might want to create a ceremony to testify to their love for one another.

Feast for the Tantric Wedding
The food served at tantric marriages is purposefully chosen to be consistent with the
tantric principle of sensuality. The choices include foods that stimulate all of the
senses with scent, taste, and color, such as strawberries, chocolate, and avocados.
Celebrants may offer food to each other as a symbol of offering love.

Music for the Tantra Marriage
The music for tantric weddings is often original, performed by musicians who practice tantra themselves or make original music consistent with tantric practices. Some
of these musicians and their work are listed in Appendix C, “Tantric Tools.” It is common to have drummers who drum passionately for hours on end. Guests are often
welcomed to play drums, shake rattles, or participate in any imaginative way.


Part 5 ➤ Dating and Mating Tantra Style

Guest Participation
Often friends are given roles in tantric marriages. Like priests and priestesses in a temple, they might say dedications or perform dances for the delight of the couple and
the other guests. Guests are encouraged to bring original songs to sing or poems to

Special Ceremonies for Tantric Lovers
I’m honored to share with you the wedding ceremonies of several friends in the
tantra community (who are also tantra teacher teams). They really know how to celebrate their love! Blessings to them!

Christina and William’s Tantric Marriage Ceremony
I introduced you to Christina Sophia and William Florian in Chapter 15, “Make It
Juicy with Magic and Play,” when you read about their advice on the joys and benefits of belly dancing and other dance. Christina and William’s wedding was exquisitely tantric in its elaborate attention to ritual. Both Californians, they decided not to
get a state license because, as William said, “we do not recognize the importance of
involving the state in our commitment to each other.” Many friends were invited to
play a role and also to serve as witnesses.
Tantric wedding rituals often begin the night (or even
days) before the actual vows, either in rituals the couple does alone, or that the guests do together. The
night before their ceremony, Christina and William’s
friends met for a sweat.

Tantra Tutorial
A sweat is a Native American
ritual gathering in which groups
of men or women (or both)
gather in a teepee-like structure
where stones are set on a fire
and participants incant prayers.

The wedding took place at a friend’s home in California. Everyone was in festive costume, with the couple in sensual and colorful Gypsy-like costumes. The
groom, William, wore no shirt.
Many elements of the event reflected typical tantric
rituals, such as dancing, inviting spirits, chanting, a
sensual feast, and doing the yab yum position. (The
couple was also serenaded and surrounded by the
sounds of the didgeridoo, an Australian flute-like

The festivities started at 6 P.M. Men congregated at the pool and women gathered in
the living room, holding flowers and chanting a Sanskrit mantra (“Om ManiPadme
Hum”). In keeping with the tantric theme as the union of male and female divine energies, the men and women met in a circle, dancing and chanting, with the men
singing, “I am the god, I am the father, all acts of love and pleasure are my ritual,” as


Chapter 20 ➤ Tying the Knot Tantra Style
the women chanted, “I am the goddess, I am the mother, all acts of love and pleasure
are my ritual.” Every so often they all chanted, “Pleasure sacred, sacred pleasure.”
They also reversed the chants of the opposite sex with the women singing, “I am the
god … “ and men singing, “I am the goddess … “
Christina and William
celebrate their tantric

In another demonstration of the embrace of opposites, the group gathered in a circle
chant, with the men starting on the outside and the women forming an inside circle.
The men danced counter-clockwise as the women circled clockwise. But then the
women passed through the raised arms of the men, moving to the outer circle and allowing the men to enter and create an inner circle. After a few minutes they paused
and bowed to one another and then came into one big circle, completing the union.


Part 5 ➤ Dating and Mating Tantra Style
William and Christina entered the room carrying flowers and crystals as a friend recited a poem. They placed
gifts for each other on the altar as guests hummed in

Ecstasy Essentials
Following ancient tradition, both
a priest and priestess are often
chosen as masters of ceremony
(to facilitate the activities), further maintaining the balance of
male and female energies.

To synchronize the group energy, everyone was invited
to face his or her beloved or someone near them, to
eye gaze and breathe together, recite a blessing, and affirm being a “circle of family.” The couple introduced
the guests with a few words about who each is to
them and their appreciation to them for being family.
There was much drumming and chanting; everyone
proceeded into the couple’s ceremony area, chanting,
“I am god/goddess, the mother/father, all acts of love
and pleasure are my ritual.”

In true tantric style, the couple took time just being
there, present in the moment, moving slowly, taking
time to breathe deeply. They even did exercises I have described in this book, moving
energy into each other’s heart.
Christina sending love energy into William’s heart
at the wedding.


Chapter 20 ➤ Tying the Knot Tantra Style
Dancing is an integral part of the ceremony—
many tantric couples are well versed in this art
(Christina and William teach it together). Dances
include blessings of the different energy centers
The couple made dedications and vows, ringing a
crystal bowl after each one. William’s dedication
was, “Part of our relationship is that we each have
our individual goals, intentions, and aspirations,
which we work toward and put energy into. We
want to share these with you.” His other statements to everyone included:
➤ We believe in service and extending our love
and relationship into the world through our
work together. We recognize that we are on a
journey of growth and healing as individuals
and together, and it is our desire to become
increasingly conscious and aware of ourselves
on every level.
➤ We have chosen Tantra as part of our spiritual practice because we believe the path to
god/goddess realization, and conscious evolution must include the body and all that we are.

Ecstasy Essentials
Spirits are invited to the ceremony (including family members
not present), as is everyone from
the couple’s past, all of their
previous lives (for those who believe in previous lives!), and spirits of the elements (fire, water,
earth, air) and of love and sacred
marriage. Everyone bows in
Namaste (the Hindu greeting
acknowledging that “god/goddess in me greets and celebrates
god/goddess in you”).

➤ We also recognize that we have shadow sides and we are committed to have, be
with, and love all parts of ourselves. We believe in the spiritual path of relationship and see all our experiences as opportunities for growth and healing.
➤ It is okay to be imperfect, to not know, to be open to possibility. We believe in
learning through joy, fun, and pleasure.
➤ We revel in our many dimensions and saying yes to being partners with
god/goddess in creating heaven here on earth.
➤ We experience profoundly in our bodies the love that we feel and generate together, and when we fall into a fixation that is not of this loving space the affinity that is in every cell of our bodies and permeating our beings always brings us
back to this simple truth.
➤ Support our love.
William’s vows to Christina were:
➤ I love you and I love myself without conditions or reservations.
➤ I vow to continue with you on our path of growth and service to myself, each
other, our family and community.


Part 5 ➤ Dating and Mating Tantra Style
➤ I know that I shall love you forever and beyond forever, and that my highest
good is served by acting in alignment with this great love.
After the vows the couple sat in yab yum, kissing and breathing together, as the
Didgeridoo sounds blessed them.
Christina and William
connecting at their

As I have mentioned many times throughout this book, setting intention is a fundamental part of tantric lovemaking. Christina and William’s intentions included the
➤ I am devoted to my spiritual path, bringing forth all the talent, artistry, knowledge, wisdom, and love that is my birthright for the evolution of my being and
all others. I ask for your support of this intention.
➤ Most of all I wish to grow and deepen the love for myself and you in this sacred
union, and our capacity to work together, cooperatively and tantrically. I ask for
your support of this intention.


Chapter 20 ➤ Tying the Knot Tantra Style
➤ I intend to be of service to both men and women and to help bring about a
more loving, peaceful world. I ask for your support of this intention.
Christina added, I am a mother and will always love my children. I intend to be there
for them as much as I am able. I ask for your support of this intention. William’s similar intention was, “I am a brother, son, friend, and family member to many. I intend
to be there for them as well as your children and the new family I am entering into as
much as I am able.” And he added, “It is my intention to allow for the free flow of
abundance, travel, creativity, music, enjoyable work, health, playfulness, and bodily
pleasures. I ask for your support of this intention.”
Acknowledging truths and each other is another intrinsic part of tantric love tradition. Christina and Williams’s acknowledgments included these:
➤ We acknowledge that we are multidimensional beings, different yet equal. We
acknowledge that there are infinite possibilities and we seek to know exactly
what we want so we can delight in the joy of creating it.
➤ We follow no one religion, rather we seek to understand the spiritual truths contained in all. We embrace Tantra as a way of life which gives us the key to healing, knowing, and opening our hearts and bodies to truth, and celebrating all of
life and the divine essence within all things and all beings.
➤ We honor, celebrate, and care for our physical bodies as the temple and we
say yes to full embodiment here, bringing together in harmonic vibration and
expression the sacred union of our inner male and female energies and our
➤ We are committed to nourishing ourselves body, mind, and spirit; and keeping
our bodies healthy and vibrant. Let any division between body and soul be
healed completely in this loving relationship.
➤ Our love does not forsake others; it embraces all others.

Rundy and Lisa’s Four-Day Wedding Ritual
The pretty and fit mother of an adolescent daughter, Lisa writes greetings cards for a
living but performs her own exquisite poetry. Rundy is a tall, dark, and handsome
actor, yoga teacher and professional athlete, who also is a tantra teacher. They met at
a yoga class and she knew he was her prince. Lisa joined the training classes that
Rundy was teaching, giving them added time to be together, as she was still living in
Cleveland while he was in California.
These meetings gave them an opportunity to have many magical settings for their
vows to each other. One night, particularly auspicious because of the placement of
the moon in the sky, they traveled to the top of a mountain, despite the cold, to be
closer to the sky and slept outdoors to be connected to the elements.


Part 5 ➤ Dating and Mating Tantra Style
Consistent with the tantric tradition of taking turns, as described in Chapters 10 and
11, “Giving Her the Best Nights Ever” and “Giving Him the Best Nights Ever,” Rundy
and Lisa each had their turn to be giver and also to receive the other’s nurturing, service, honoring, and loving. Their marriage ceremony lasted four days, and included
many ritualistic and beautiful choreographed steps:
➤ Day 1: Honoring the goddess Lisa’s day started with Rundy nurturing her
with massages and baths scented with candles, oils, and hibiscus and rose petals,
following an eastern wedding tradition. All day long he fed his beloved exotic
fruits, surprised her with love letters and small presents, sang to her, read poetry,
brushed her hair, and kissed every part of her to make her feel honored and
➤ Day 2: Honoring the god The following day was Rundy’s turn to receive.
During those 24 hours they made love without coming to climax, breathing in
each other’s desire, allowing the energy to build inside their bodies.
➤ Day 3: Rebirthing This day was dedicated to
the advanced tantric ritual of rebirthing, followed by a feast. The foods represent colors of
the energy centers (for example red tomatoes or
green artichokes) to symbolize total connection.
Lovemaking continued without coming to orgasm, to continue to build energy and desire.

Tantra Tutorial
Rebirthing, summarized in
Chapter 16, “Advanced Tantric
Lovemaking Techniques,” is a sacred process in which a person’s
birth is re-enacted, but ensuring
that it is a positive experience.
The process is attended and assisted by those who greatly
honor and respect it, and treat it
with great reverence.

➤ Day 4: Taking the vows At sunrise the couple
went naked to the top of a cliff overlooking the
ocean, near their home, with a shamaness minister (enlightened being) as a witness. As the sun
came up, they exchanged their vows in a
Maithuna-style ceremony (described in Chapter
16). They sat in yab yum with lingam inside
yoni to create a total connection, looking into
each other’s eyes, honoring the 108 gods and
goddesses in each other. They spoke their heartfelt promises for their life together, written by
them especially for the occasion.

Other rituals in Rundy and Lisa’s ceremony:
➤ The shamaness brought in the energies of the four directions, earth and sky, and
all the ancients so that their bodies would become one with each other’s and all
of the cosmos.


Chapter 20 ➤ Tying the Knot Tantra Style
➤ Rundy and Lisa did extended breathing together, connecting all their chakras
(sex, heart, third eyes kissing), their bodies vibrating (not having orgasm), melting deeper and deeper into each other.
➤ The couple lay back to back with their sacrums touching, to allow their powerful kundalini energy to rise, as the sun rose.
Rundy and Lisa celebrate
their love.

Mark and Patricia’s Hindu Fire Ceremony
Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson are a tantra teacher team. They got married in a
tantric ceremony, at which their dear friend and teacher Bhagavan Das performed a
Hindu fire ceremony, assisted by his wife Mira. Guests included their parents, who participated in the ritual. Later, a small group of tantrikas gathered to invoke ancient traditions and bless their union.
“It was a beautiful and profound experience,” says Mark. “We feel it is only one of
many marriage ceremonies we will have.” This is consistent with the tradition of the
Hindu wedding ceremony, in which you make a commitment for seven lifetimes.


Part 5 ➤ Dating and Mating Tantra Style
“Perhaps more important,” Mark adds, “we view marriage not as a state of being or
something brought into being by a ceremony. Rather it is a process, an ongoing unfolding. Thus, we are constantly in the process of marrying each other. “Conjugal”
comes from the same Sanskrit root as the word “yoga.” The root, yug, means yoking
or union. Dr. John Mumford (their teacher) tells us that it is the most difficult yoga of
all. As in other forms of yoga, the process of marriage is not about achieving a goal, it
is all about what happens along the way.”
Tantra teachers Mark and
Patricia at their wedding.

Keeping the Fires Burning

Tantra Tales
Tantra teachers Sasha Lessin and
Janet were at a conference at a
California retreat center, attended by many tantric friends,
when they decided one evening
to get married, and created a
ceremony on the spot. The bride
and groom were lifted in the air
in chairs as friends (and anyone
else at the conference!) danced
around them in celebration.


Antoinette and Dick Asimus, teachers at
Tantrika International, have maintained their
monogamous commitment to each other in a
marriage that has lasted more than 30 years.
“Our love is stronger because of our tantric
practice,” says Antoinette. How do they do it?
Antoinette shares two of their secrets. “We
honor our commitment to each other every
day by making love and including some yogic
and spiritual practices in our lovemaking. And
every two or three months, we make a date for
a tantra day where we experience the timelessness of tantric lovemaking for a whole day,
celebrating at the end of the day with dinner
at a five-star restaurant.” “Yummy!” she adds.
Tantra teachers Paul Ramana Das and Marilena
Silbey have been married in a tantric union for
more than a decade and call their partnership

Chapter 20 ➤ Tying the Knot Tantra Style
an alignment and aloinment, meaning they are lined up spiritually and sexually no
matter what their individual paths. On a trip to Hawaii to celebrate Marilena’s 55th
birthday, they made a promise to have “a honeymoon every day.” They also wrote a
partnership constitution, in which they pledged to continually practice the following:
➤ Love in their hearts for each other.
➤ Good intentions.
➤ Clear communication.
➤ Positive language.
➤ Celebration of their male and female aspects in the healthy dance of sacred
➤ A deep commitment to an ongoing intimate relationship.
“We encourage everyone to come up with their own list of decrees for their love,”
says Ramana Das. “This gives you a sense of joint willingness to weave a strong relationship and build love forever.”

The Least You Need to Know
➤ Tantric marriage ceremonies include many rituals of song, dance, and dedications to honor spirits, gods and goddesses, all guests, and each other.

➤ Couples who marry in tantric ceremonies do not always go through legal civil
ceremonies or get state licenses, yet still consider their union sacred and definitive.

➤ Tantric marriage ceremonies always include personal statements from the couple and sometimes from guests, to set intentions, make acknowledgments, and
state lifetime pledges.

➤ Tantric marriage ceremonies are usually one of many, to signify ongoing commitment.

➤ Ongoing and shared tantric practice can help solidify a couple’s long-term


Chapter 21

When He Resists
or She Strays

In This Chapter
➤ When you’re sure about tantric sex but your partner isn’t
➤ How to change a skeptical partner’s mind
➤ Making it work despite different points of view
➤ Can tantric love survive an affair?
➤ Energy boosters: what you can do to re-ignite the spark

Surely you are excited about your tantric journey. You’ve shifted your perspective
about sex and love, and are becoming intrigued with the possibilities for the deepest
connection you have ever known. But wait—there’s a rock in the road. What if your
partner is not as intrigued as you, even after you’ve shown him or her this book?
What can you do? Can you ever convince someone to share your new vision? This
chapter will help you with that dilemma.
Worse yet, what if you’ve already convinced your partner to enjoy tantalizing tantra,
but then he or she took it further than the boundaries of your relationship, and let
the sexual energy lead him or her into bed with someone else? Or perhaps it’s you
who is tempted to taste the treasures of another tantric lover and fears the havoc it
will wreak on your present relationship. What to do now? This chapter addresses
those issues, too.

Part 5 ➤ Dating and Mating Tantra Style

When One of You Is Convinced But the Other
Isn’t Sure
If you’re in a relationship and you both agree to find out what tantric sex is all about,
it’s easy to begin practicing immediately. You’ve started already, by getting this far in
this book. You can start right now to put into practice what you’re reading. Check
Appendix B, “Workshops, Web Sites, Teachers, and Tantra Communities,” for workshops and recommended teachers, and sign up right now for a seminar to learn more.
But what if you’ve discovered tantric sex and really want to pursue the exciting
things you’re reading about in this book, but your current paramour is unsure? It is
not uncommon that one person in a relationship is intrigued and ready for a new
path whereas the other has reservations. Don’t despair; all is not lost. I can offer you
some hope. I’ve seen it happen: A partner can come around. Here are some suggestions to approach a resistant beloved with your desire to travel this path together:
➤ Be prepared for the excuses. Your partner might say there’s not enough time for
practice or money for courses. Instead of protesting, listen and accept his point
of view. Resistance only gets stronger if you argue or make your partner wrong.
➤ Understand and accept the fears. The practices in tantric sex can make you feel
vulnerable, as feelings come up that might have been suppressed for years. It’s
not easy to be present in the moment. Instead of getting angry, empathize that
your partner might not have the strength at this time to be so open and
➤ Explain your point of view and your interest in the practices clearly and without
Talking through your differences about tantra.


Chapter 21 ➤ When He Resists or She Strays
➤ Point out the benefits that she can relate to. If your partner values physical fitness, emphasize the health benefits. If she is more psychologically oriented, describe possible growth from an emotional point of view.
➤ Supply your lover with videos, Web sites, books, and audiotapes (check those
listed in Appendixes B and C) to illustrate that this is a sacred practice. Explain
the mood, energy, spirit, and philosophy of tantra to your partner. Sometimes a
picture is worth a thousand words, so videos can offer clear pictures of what
tantra is about, especially helpful for beginners on any spiritual path. Audio
tapes can help too, as they offer a more personal touch than an advertising flyer,
with a voice talking to you. Tantra master Charles Muir sends a free audiotape
on request that describes the practices in a clear and engaging way (you’ll find
his contact information in Appendix B).
➤ Be honest about what you think and feel. Offer to show your partner what you
have discovered and why you feel tantric sex is a wonderful lifestyle choice.
Speak to your partner up front about your desire to study tantra. Give him a
chance to be supportive.
➤ Don’t nag. Attitudes can change, so bring the subject up every now and then,
but not with persistence and annoyance.
➤ Avoid climbing on a pulpit. It’s difficult to convert someone to what you think
and believe. Honor your partner’s path. Allow your partner to be herself—and
you to be you. Like philosophy or religion, deep thoughts regarding spirituality
and sexuality are unique to each individual and are very personal choices.
➤ Ultimately support your partner’s position, as that is the spirit of tantra.
Continue your lovingness, as that is the goal of the path.

Hell No, I Won’t Go!
The dread, of course, is that you are really gung ho about taking this high road to
bliss, but your partner is dead set against it. It can happen. But don’t be so quick to
throw in the towel on the relationship. Partnerships have survived when one person
studies tantra but the other doesn’t. Of course it would be better if you both spoke
the same language. Of course, it’s more serious than if one of you likes sushi and the
other cringes at the thought of raw fish; or if one of you likes romance movies and
the other prefers classic comedies; or if one of you wants to climb the Himalayas and
the other can think of nothing better than vegging out on a beach. It’s more serious
than that, because tantra is a commitment to a lifestyle. But when your love is working on other levels, you can still be a team, raising kids, sharing your dreams, and
even making love.


Part 5 ➤ Dating and Mating Tantra Style

Know What’s Best for You
Stay on your personal path. Recognize your own fears of being alone or disagreeing
with a partner whose opinion or approval you value. When you maintain your integrity you might suffer some consequences, but you’ll never lose yourself; in the last
analysis, you have to decide what’s best for you. If
your partner just won’t share this path with you, you
might have to go on the journey alone. But you can
still stay together—if you bring home the love you
learn to generate and make it benefit this relationship.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
It is possible that pursuing tantric
sex can draw you toward likeminded people with whom you
share more time and intimacy,
which can lead you to decide
that your primary relationship is
not so satisfying. That’s the time
to talk seriously with your partner about your future together
and to consider seeking professional counseling.

A partner’s reaction is a test of his or her character.
Karin’s husband told her, “If you feel you’ll be happy
finding out what this is all about, go for it. I’m not interested but I support you doing what you need to
do.” That shows true love! On the other hand, Donna
was so dismayed at Frank’s desire to go to a tantra introductory class that she threatened to date other men
and hid mail that he received from the tantra organization. Her intolerance revealed her true character,
that had not been as evident before. Eventually Frank
knew it had to be over.

Honor Your Agreements

Tantra teaches honor. Respect your agreements with a
partner, especially regarding the most sensitive issue of
commitment and exclusivity about sexuality. Be honest about what your intentions
are. Offer reassurance—if you can do so honestly—that you will not engage in any activities that are not in alignment with your relationship agreement. Your partner deserves your love and respect. Make sure you are studying tantra with a practitioner
who will honor, respect, and support your relationship agreement; ask the teacher
any questions that you have about your situation, to get some advice and support.

Don’t Sneak Off to a Tantra Talk
Be honest if you decide to attend an evening event or class, or see a practitioner or
healer without your partner. Explain that your intention in gaining this knowledge,
experience, or healing is to grow and transform your ability to deepen your love, in
this relationship and in all of your life.


Chapter 21 ➤ When He Resists or She Strays

Share Your Growth
After your tantra class, private healing session, or
tantra seminar, share what you experienced with
your partner, even if he or she doesn’t have a deep
appreciation or understanding of what you are
going through. As you learn, show your partner
the immediate effects of your training and your
newfound sensitivity, loving ways, caring attitudes,
and spiritual depth. Keep making a low-key invitation to join you at some entry-level event that
would be especially safe and nonthreatening. Be
patient. Remember to allow your partner to keep
sharing his or her concerns over time and give you

When the Going Gets Tough
Be prepared that a partner’s differing experience,
feelings, or judgments about tantra can precipitate
a confrontation in your relationship. I know this
could be traumatic, but welcome it! Don’t blame it
directly on tantra. A blowup just means that you
were headed toward some pivotal moment anyway; this just happened to be the catalyst—it could
have been something else!
The topic of tantra presses people’s hot buttons,
because it’s associated with sex (already a threatening subject) and promises transformation (worrisome if you fear the unknown). Reread and share
with your partner the sections about the corrections of myths about sex and tantra in Chapter 1,
“What Is Tantric Sex?”

When a Relationship Has
to End

Blocks to Bliss
If you attend tantra functions,
don’t keep it a secret from your
beloved. This kind of deception
is contrary to tantric practice and
erodes the energy that you are
trying to purify. In fact, your
practices may make you more
vulnerable to being caught in
any deceit, because they make
you more transparent in the
course of being open and loving.

Blocks to Bliss
A partner’s resistance to tantra
might be based on past abuse
that has been repressed.
Unconscious conflicts and fears
might be triggered at the
thought of being open to feelings and love.

Sometimes you can thank your lucky stars that things came to a head, and that you
and your partner broke up because of your separate paths. Be grateful you found out
now that you were incompatible. Don’t second-guess what could have happened.
Face the sadness and use the experience as a real-life experience of tantric principles:
that the love you have never leaves you even though particular people might.


Part 5 ➤ Dating and Mating Tantra Style

Tantra Tales
Cassie dragged Steve to three tantra weekend workshops around the country, desperate
to break through his controlling nature and get him to be more intimate. “I love making
love with him,” she said, “but when he’s deep inside me he gets to thrusting fast and I try
to get him to feel the love we have, but it’s too late.” Steve enjoyed some of the exercises during the workshops, but back home he complained that he had no time or interest to do them; eventually he told her “I can’t do this anymore,” and asked her to move
out. Cassie came to see the value of being set free from this unfulfilling relationship and
honor her own desire for a more intimate connection instead of being obsessed with
changing Steve.

Tantric Tolerance
In these modern times, there are many relationship paradigms that are acceptable.
More and more people are choosing to define their own rules. Couplings that were
once seen as alternative are now more mainstream, and people are becoming more
open about their choices and living what’s real for them instead of leading a double
life in fear of what others and society think of them.
This new era is seeing a re-emergence of the open relationships that bloomed but
bombed in the 1970s. Couples choosing more love for all, called polyamorous, accept
and invite third, fourth, or fifth parties to join their intimate circle, including sexual
activity. Polyamorous men and women face challenges with commitment and jealousy like traditional monogamous pairs, but feel this new way of relating is more satisfying for them. There are communities and conventions for couples sharing this
lifestyle (see Appendix B for references).

What to Do About Tantric Sex Affairs
Most affairs are painful, and can be even more so when tantric sex practices are involved, because of the association to higher levels of eroticism and therefore deeper
connections. One partner’s sexual relations or liaisons that the other does not sanction are inevitably hurtful. Before betrayal sends you off the deep end, evaluate the
situation, including the reasons it happened, your choices about what to do, and
what new level you can reach in your relationship as a result.


Chapter 21 ➤ When He Resists or She Strays

An Affair as Energy Booster
The reasons people cheat are diverse, including intimacy and commitment fears, situations that separate partners or put two people together under intense circumstances
anger toward the partner, or even a different philosophy of life. Some people don’t
want to be monogamous and their cheating
doesn’t necessarily point to any underlying problem in the relationship. In many relationships,
however, an affair is a wakeup call to a situation
that desperately needs to be addressed.
In tantric terms, seeing relationships as energy,
there is another reason for affairs. It’s called a
search for an energy booster. Because everything in
tantra can be seen as energy, an affair is not necessary; all that is necessary is a new and equally exciting way to boost energy.
A related theory postulates that people seek what is
called New Relationship Energy (NRE). As described
in Loving More, a magazine about the polyamorous
lifestyle, this defines the high-energy spark and
rush of chemicals felt when you meet someone
new and get a surge of excitement from the attraction. Extra Relationship Energy or External Relationship Energy has the same effect, but comes about
between people who have known each other a
while and had infrequent contact.
Affairs arise from an illusion that someone outside
of the relationship has more attractive energy—
they appear more sexy, exciting, and desirable because they’re not the one handling bills, taking the
cat to the vet, or messing up the bathroom. A good
way to affair-proof your relationship: When you’re
tempted to stray, always imagine what it would be
like in daily life with a new lover.
The most common area that breaks down in longterm relationships is sexuality. Either the sex itself
isn’t good, or other problems arise and lovemaking
goes from infrequent to never. Anger or guilt
shows up in impotence or withdrawal from sex.
Couples build up resentments and disappointments that, if left unresolved, could erode a
couple’s ability to open up in sex. If the problem is
never addressed, the entire relationship erodes and

Ecstasy Essentials
We often are attracted to, and
attract, lovers who reflect unresolved issues we had with our
primary caregivers while growing
up, and then want to hurt,
cheat, or leave them. Identify
how present partners resemble
past important people in your
life in some physical, emotional,
psychological, or energetic way,
so you don’t keep repeating the
same patterns.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
As a therapist, I am constantly
struck by how much couples
take each other for granted so
soon in a relationship. Instead of
looking for sparks with someone
else, create that desirable energy
by tapping into new parts of
yourself with your partner.


Part 5 ➤ Dating and Mating Tantra Style
can lead to a breakup over something that seems unrelated. You have to have courage
to talk about what your sexual needs and problems are and get help.
Tantric partners are tuned in to energies within themselves and the people around
them, so they are more likely to sense when something is awry. If you sense a problem brewing in your relationship, address it now with your partner before it gets bigger and more difficult to solve. Trust your tantric intuition!

Considerations About Tantric Affairs
If one of you has an affair, it’s time to ask some hard questions of yourself and your
partner. Use these questions as a guide to clarify some issues and start a confronting
➤ Are you or your partner involved romantically in a relationship with someone
else but not having sex with that person?
➤ If sex is involved, what type of sexual activity is it?
➤ Is protection being used?
➤ What types of diseases are you being exposed to?
➤ What are your agreements about fidelity and has either of you violated those
➤ What is the nature of the “other” relationship? Is the “third person” an ongoing
lover or a fleeting relationship?
➤ Are you both being honest now, or telling lies?
➤ Do you both really want to know what’s going
➤ What are the motivations behind the affair?
➤ How have you each contributed to this situation
and to any behavior you find upsetting?

Tantra Tutorial
An affair always involves some
breakdown in communication in
a relationship. Learn to effectively communicate your wants
and desires to each other. When
you open up, you might be surprised at what you each have
longed to share. From that place
of openness, all things are


➤ What steps can you do to improve or change
the situation?
➤ Do you want the relationship to end?
➤ Is the relationship already dead and you just
haven’t buried the corpse?
➤ Do you want to continue and try to fix the relationship?

Chapter 21 ➤ When He Resists or She Strays
It’s not easy to have a confrontation, but when it’s necessary, have the courage to do
it. In the course of a lifetime, everyone experiences disappointments in love, rejecting
and being rejected; abandoning or being abandoned. Neither position feels good.
Always keep in mind that denial only postpones pain; discussing difficult issues leads
to some relief—and resolve.

The Energy Booster Checklist
Ultimately an affair is an opportunity for healing—either yourself or your relationship. Look at everything that happens as a winning situation for you in the long run.
As a relationship therapist for many years, I know that any relationship can work if
both people want it to. You can heal from tantric love affairs if you work at staying
Reflect on what you and your partner can do to give your relationship an energy
booster so you continue to be fascinated with each other. Can you learn not to interrupt while he is talking? Take a class or find other interests to become more wellrounded? Lose weight to feel more attractive about yourself? Make your list here. Ask
your partner to make a list, too.
Your Relationship Energy Boosters
What I Can Do to Infuse More Energy
in My Relationship:

What My Partner Can Do:

Look over your lists and talk about which energy boosters you can both put into
practice. How do you feel about each other’s suggestions? Decide to implement at
least one of these each week.


Part 5 ➤ Dating and Mating Tantra Style

The Least You Need to Know
➤ It is possible to pursue tantric sex to enlightenment and ecstasy whether you
are single or in a couple, and whether or not your partner is committed to the
same path.

➤ When one partner wants to pursue tantric sexuality but the other doesn’t, the
relationship is put to a test. Some survive if communication and love keeps

➤ Studying tantra makes you more intuitive and sensitive to the energy between
you; therefore, more attuned to potential problems. Trust your intuition.

➤ Temptation for liaisons with others on the same path is possible and can lead
to affairs that could cause a breakup. However, staying together despite sexual
dalliances is possible if the couple really wants to.

➤ The tantric lifestyle demands honesty, so eventually if one of you has an affair
the truth has to be faced and new agreements made about your future

➤ Be clear about your agreements concerning exclusivity, and be sensitive to
each other’s needs sexually and otherwise.


Part 6

Tantra for Everybody in
the New Millennium
Now that you’ve learned how powerfully these practices can manifest sexual energy,
empowering you to have more joy, passion, and love, you’ll wonder whether they can
apply to you and people you know. The answer is yes: No matter what relationship
you are in, no matter what your age, tantric principles can make your life a thousand
times richer.
Tantra is about honor, respect, and healing. So in this part you’ll learn how to extend
that respect and healing to yourself, to be ready to adjust to life changes with new life
force. And you’ll see how you can apply tantric principles to every aspect of your relationships—and every living thing—around you. This will take you beyond sex to a
more intense force that can actually reach out and help heal the planet.

Chapter 22

A Lifetime
of Tantra:
Learning to Love
at All Ages
In This Chapter
➤ How tantric sex keeps you young
➤ Easing mid-life transitions
➤ Adapting tantric sex practices for teens
➤ Preparing kids for a healthier life
➤ Teaching tantra in schools

So far we’ve been concentrating on tantra for adults. But the principles and practices
of tantra are good for all ages. Everyone can learn to love at any age—and see the benefits in all of life.
In this chapter you’ll learn how tantra is a genuine fountain of youth—and can even
help the young. I don’t mean to imply by any means that kids should engage in sex,
but I do mean that practicing tantra yourself and teaching certain principles associated with tantra can help raise healthier kids and create better relationships for all.

Want to Feel and Look Young Again?
In our youth-oriented society, everyone is in search of the fountain of youth; in
tantric sex you can actually find it! After tantric lovemaking, you can look at least 10
years younger—and other people notice. I’ve heard men say to 40-year-old women

Part 6 ➤ Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium
after tantric sex, “You look like a kid again!” Their faces dramatically change, skin
glistens and lines disappear! Eyes sparkle and open wide, and smiles spread from
ear to ear.

Tantra Tales
The benefits of tantra happened
for Nancy. After her husband
died, Nancy panicked, fearing,
“There will never be another
man who knew me as a young
lover, who saw my face at 20.
No one will remember how
pretty I was as a young woman.”
However, practicing tantric sex
provided a solution: Much to her
delight, new lovers remarked to
her anyway, “You look 20.”

Tantra Tales
Tantrika Carla Tarantola is 59 but
looks much younger, something
she has been told by lovers. “I’m
convinced it is my tantric sex
practices,” says Carla. “I know
that bringing my sexual energy
into my heart and living from
love every moment of my life is
what makes me look so much


Rejuvenation happens on several levels. Psychologically, you feel young! And physiologically, there are
real changes. The physical activities in tantric sex
practices—cycling energy, breathing deeply, exercising
muscles through white tantra (yoga) practices—keep
organs vital by being fed with blood and nutrients,
and keep the body supple and toned. The neurons in
the brain are activated, and the immune system is
stimulated, contributing to all-around health and
maintenance of youthfulness.

The Real Fountain of Youth in
Amrita Flow
Some very experienced tantra teachers and tantrikas,
such as Caroline Muir in Maui, credit the flow of amrita (the liquid emitted during female ejaculation) for
rejuvenation. (The techniques for bringing about the
flow have been described in earlier chapters on how to
arouse the woman and stimulate her goddess space or
G spot.) “Amrita is considered the “nectar of the goddess,” the key to her immortality and youthfulness.
“It is a woman’s gift to herself and her lover,” says
Caroline, “and definitely keeps me young.” Another
expert disagrees, claiming that the amrita flow ages
women. Although this dismissal can be consistent
with Taoist beliefs that a man’s ejaculations drain his
energy, most women I know who have this experience
(myself included) agree with Caroline and treasure the
experience and its positive effects. As one woman said,
“When my love liquid flows, my whole face and being
is so full of joy and so relaxed that of course I look
young again!”

Tantra in Older Years
As the percentage of the population over 65 has
tripled during the past century, understanding sexuality throughout the entire life span has become essential for everyone. Contrary to popular beliefs, sexuality

Chapter 22 ➤ A Lifetime of Tantra: Learning to Love at All Ages
can and does play an important part in the lives of older adults. Those people who
were most sexually active in their younger years are most likely to remain sexually active as they age. Such sexual expression among the elderly has been identified as a
predicator of general health.
Forget any notions you might have about cutting back on sex as you age. Studies
show that although sexual activity does decline with age, this is partly due to illness
and unavailability of partners. Sexuality is normal and natural in older years! Studies
show that sexual activity is possible and takes place through the 70s and beyond. In
any case, remember that tantric sex as the transmission of energy goes way beyond
any specific sexual activity or intercourse; therefore, pleasure and bliss are possible for
your entire life.

Facing the Changes
Our sexual desire is bombarded with challenges from emotional, psychological and
physiological onslaughts. As we age, hormones can wreak havoc on our physical,
emotional, and sexual life. Emotional challenges escalate at critical ages, such as the
classic mid-life crisis. Some experts claim that mid-life crises are even starting now as
early as age 35, especially in our youth-dominated society. Even younger men and
women in their mid-20s are going through what I call the “quarter-life crisis,” stressing out that they are no longer “young” and now have to bear huge responsibilities
as adults in a fast-paced, competitive, and money-obsessed society. Baby boomers bemoan passing years, as their parents become ill, children grow up and leave the nest,
friends suffer heart attacks at younger ages, and they face the ever-dreaded life review
with regrets or broken dreams. But if you keep your energy surging, as through tantric
practices, biological slowdowns and emotional
lows don’t have to ruin your life.

Easing Her Time Through
Given physical and psychological benefits of
tantric sex as described throughout this book,
moving your energy this way can ease the symptoms of menopause. These include body aches and
pains, night sweats, headaches, and even depression. The flexibility and shape of the vagina can
change, and thinning and shortening of the vaginal canal and less lubrication can lead to pain and
avoidance of sex. However, tantric sex practices
limber the body, help the mind focus on other
pleasures, and can even create more lubrication

Tantra Tutorial
Several research studies show that
continued sexual activity keeps
you healthy and that general satisfaction with life, love, and sex
helps you live longer. Both men
and women who continued satisfying relationships had fewer
physical ailments and lower mortality rates.


Part 6 ➤ Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium
naturally. Instead of “drying up,” the mid-life menopausal woman can experience an
increase in her sex drive and a sense of sexual freedom that she’s never felt before.
As tantric lover Pam says, “I sailed through menopause without even noticing except
that I stopped having my period.” Menopausal women like Pam who practice tantric
sex also accept their change of life, seeing it as a blessing—a “reunion with the ancient mother.” Even though fertility is revered in the tantra tradition, the goddess appears equally in older age in the form of the wise woman.
Spiritual counselor Barbara Bizou runs workshops for people in life transition. An expert on ritual and author of the book The Joys of Everyday Rituals, Barbara recommends this ritual that a menopausal woman can do to celebrate her life stage and
acknowledge her transition into a new—and rich—stage of life. Invite your friends
over, including those who are also going through menopause, and ask each to write
down a memory about some painful time at another stage of life, to release the energy of that old memory and make room for the new stage that they are entering.
Then burn the pieces of paper in a big pot in the middle of the room, and as they
burn, each woman should light a candle and say a prayer for healing the past and
opening up to the start of a new life.

Tantra Tales
During the change of life one of the major problems is lack of lubrication. However,
tantra practices can make you moist again. Says Nancy, “Now at 49, I don’t get as excited
instantly as I did before but the tantric practices have taught me how to move my pelvis
and loosen up the energy flow in my body. When I add the movements to my breathing,
within 10 minutes I get very lubricated. Sometimes I don’t even need to reach orgasm because the practices and pleasure is enough.”

When He Has a Mid-Life Crisis
Similarly, tantric sex practices can ease the symptoms of what has become known as
male menopause (or andropause), when men gradually have less testosterone as they
age and go through slumps and depressions similar to women. Lowered hormone levels can lead to a man’s reduced sex drive, along with less interest in relationships and
career. As with mid-life women, the mid-life man can get tired, anxious, irritable,


Chapter 22 ➤ A Lifetime of Tantra: Learning to Love at All Ages
sweaty, and achy. He could feel helpless and hopeless. Sexually, he worries about
being less potent, having less ejaculate, and even whether his penis is shrinking.
Tantric sex helps these men by reviving a great storehouse of their energy and teaching them to shoot it through their bodies (instead of just out the penis!). They learn
to generate more energy in their sex center; more blood there leads to stronger erections and a seemingly bigger penis. And they learn to enjoy new levels of love and
creativity, energizing them in every aspect of their family, relationships, and
business life.
By learning techniques to prolong sexual stimulation before they come, as I outlined
in great detail in Chapter 12, “Make Lovemaking Last … and Last … and Last,” men
gain more control over their ejaculation. The result is more pleasure in their sexual
relationship, which becomes an escalating positive cycle of better sex, more love,
more happiness, and feeling more potent. What a good deal!

Seven Keys to Happier Life Transitions Through
Tantric Love
Practicing tantric sex offers many ways to keep you fit through all of life’s changes in
many ways:
➤ Tantra unleashes feelings, emotions, and attitudes that you’ve always wanted to
express in a relationship. It focuses you on intimacy, closeness, affection, and
tenderness toward a partner, which sustains
sexuality, and provides self-esteem and
inspiration—all essential with passing years.
➤ Tantric sex takes you way beyond sex as just
intercourse to realms of intimate expression
so that just looking in each other’s eyes or
breathing together can set off orgasmic
waves. Romance, kissing, hand holding and
oral sex are all honored to create closeness
even when intercourse is not possible.
Exploring these options deepens sexual expression, love, and intimacy.
➤ In tantric sex, limp lingams are just as loveable as erect ones. In fact, energy can be
generated from the lingam no matter what
its state.
➤ Tantric sex creates more lubrication for the
yoni and relaxes, heals, and revitalizes the
woman at any age.

Ecstasy Essentials
There are many benefits of
tantric orgasm to the body and
brain. Cycling sexual and orgasmic energy throughout the body
vitalizes major organs and body
systems (including the circulatory, cardiovascular, nervous, immune, and endocrine systems).
Stimulating the pituitary and
pineal glands is especially positive, because they are central to
the pathway to bliss in the brain.


Part 6 ➤ Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium
➤ Because synchronizing the partners’ energies is fundamental in tantric sex, some
physiological changes (such as a man taking longer to achieve an erection or
ejaculation) can benefit the couple’s lovemaking.
➤ Tantric sex emphasizes loving touch, which triggers chemicals from the body
that are proven to strengthen the immune system, and therefore ensure longer
life—besides making you feel loved and good all over.
➤ Tantra encourages expression and leads to higher states of sexual and emotional
satisfaction, which result in higher self-esteem, further intensifying an overall
sense of well-being.

Filling the Empty Nest
Parents often suffer distress from what’s called “the empty nest syndrome,” when kids
leave home for school or marriage. Depression can result from being separated from
children as well as from being faced with a spouse whom they hardly know anymore
because the marriage took a back seat to child-rearing or careers. Yet, this can be a terrific time for starting tantric practice, when the couple needs to get to know each
other again and when they now have more time to spend together.

When a Partner Dies
The largest obstacle for older couples is illness or the death of a partner. When this
tragedy happens, you don’t have to end your tantric love life. Go back to being your
own beloved and pleasure yourself. After you’ve mourned, seek a new love and relive
days of happiness—believe that you won’t be betraying your partner and that you deserve pleasure.

Tantra for College Students
Meghan Lambert and Ryan Deluz are a California-based teacher team trained in Kriya
tantra yoga (through Tantrika International) who specialize in teaching college students. As college students themselves, they consider their age group “indigo children”
or “children of the golden age.” According to Ryan, this means that their spiritual
consciousness has naturally evolved into an awareness of heart connections and
subtle energies. “This allows us as teachers to do a lot more with the group,” says
Meghan, “since they bring with them a creative passion for this material, which amplifies the group energy.”
“Young people are ready to discover who they are as a creative and sexual being and
to channel it in a way that will bring them to a deeper place of intimacy within
themselves and within all forms of relationship,” explains Meghan, who once referred
to herself as “Morning Star” and is author of a self-published book on dolphins, called


Chapter 22 ➤ A Lifetime of Tantra: Learning to Love at All Ages
Free Like a Dolphin. “Because they are so open to experience themselves and because
they feel so comfortable with us—since we are college students, too—our groups get
very juicy,” she explains, “which means everyone is excited and having fun.”
“Having knowledge of tantra at this age when you’re having a lot of insecurity in
yourself and your relationships, can eliminate a lot of stumbling and experiences that
end up being unfulfilling,” says Ryan. “If you receive the teachings as a young adult,
imagine what kind of marriage you can create, and imagine how rich and powerful
your relationships will be at 30, 40, or older. You are learning right from the start how
to use your relationships and life experiences as opportunities to evolve spiritually
and to heal yourself.”

Tantra for Teens
Teens even younger than college students can also relate to tantra, although formal
workshops for this age group are still in their infancy. “It’s ideal to get young people
thinking about entering their lives of loving from a tantra perspective,” says Boulderbased psychologist and teen tantra teacher Shavana Fineberg. “In my work, teens get
wonderful lessons about how to connect from their heart and redirect their sexual
energy both within their own bodies and toward their actions in the outside world,
so they don’t feel that the only thing they can do with this powerful energy is to
have sex.”
“People get scared when they think of teen
tantra,” says Fineberg, “but this work is not about
teens being sexual. In fact, the exercises give
teens more power to choose abstinence. The
workshops are equally appropriate for teens
choosing abstinence, those thinking of being sexual, and those already sexually active.” In group
discussions, girls particularly enjoy hearing what
the boys have to say about “What do boys really
want?” and boys really like the meditation exercises, says Fineberg.
Being honest and learning to say no (to what you
don’t want or to going out) is another favorite
lesson. Boys can feel a new sense of freedom and
confidence when they learn that they can be the
one, besides girls, to say “no” to sex. One 17-yearold boy told Fineberg, “Learning how to say no to
a girl when she was coming on to me was a new

Tantra Tutorial
Most teens in tantra groups are
referred by their parents who
have taken tantra workshops and
realize the value of teaching
their teens about self-esteem, responsibility, communication,
friendship, and love as contexts
for sexual sharing.


Part 6 ➤ Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium

Healthier Kids When You’re a Tantra Parent
Following a tantric lifestyle can help you raise healthy children. Here are several ways
to do that:
➤ Be a model of a loving relationship. Kids learn from what they see at home; if
you are loving, they are more likely to be loving, too.
➤ Work out any of your own problems. The happier you are as a person, the better
mood you will be in when you relate to them. If you harbor anger toward men
or women, they will pick up on it.
➤ Show affection. When I’m asked, as I so often am, “When should I teach my
kids about sex?” I always respond, “You teach them about sex from the moment
they are born by how you hold them.” Hold them often, to give them comfort
and security.
➤ Give them a positive attitude about sex and love. Too many men and women I
have counseled suffer from fears, embarrassment, and shame about their bodies
or about sex; you can prevent this by not instilling these attitudes.
➤ Teach youngsters stress-reducing techniques such as meditation.
➤ Play with kids in ways that heighten their sensitivity to relationships and to
their bodies, and let them have fun! One mother told me that on rainy days she
used to do veil dancing with her children. “This was a wonderful game that
taught my kids to feel comfortable with their bodies. Even though people think
of veils as sissy, it was a great activity for my son, to help him get past the
macho ways his father was always teaching him.”

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
I’ve seen so many women and men suffer from negative attitudes in their childhood
about masturbation that ruined their sex lives and self-esteem in adulthood. Parents can
prevent this by not telling children they are “bad” or punishing them for such behavior.


Chapter 22 ➤ A Lifetime of Tantra: Learning to Love at All Ages

Tantra Tales
The adolescent daughter of one of my best friends was getting depressed about all the normal problems of her age group (school, friends, body changes). Then she decided to redecorate her room as a meditation sanctuary, asking her mom to paint stars on the ceiling,
draping gold cloth over a dresser as an altar on which to set a statue of Buddha, and collecting other objects that felt spiritual to her (crystals, painted boxes). Doing this helped
her relax and feel more empowered, making her feel connected to strong spirits.

How the School System Can Be Tantric
Certain schooling practices may actually be tantric in nature, even though they are
not identified as such. Certainly they are not meant to be sexual, but they are meant
to increase a child’s sensory perception. That skill prepares children for more self
awareness and greater capability to be totally present in each experience and each
One certified pre-primary teacher, who is also a tantra teacher and my good friend,
recognizes the astounding similarities between adult tantra training and teaching
young children. While doing her tantra training, she noticed how some of the
exercises were similar to the exercises that she has used in her 14 years of teaching
3-, 4-, and 5-year-olds. “Of course the exercises for the children are not intended for
sexual purposes,” she told me, “But the value in terms of sensory perception, and
encouraging spirit, self-awareness, and presence in the moment are equivalent—and
Examples of these exercises include one that stimulates sensitivity to the environment by having kids truly smell the air when they go outside. Another encourages
the capability to truly experience and distinguish different sensations. For example, in
a fabric game, kids pick pieces of fabric from a box that match the texture of fabric
rubbed on their palms. Or they hold cotton, jersey knit, or velvet and answer the
question, “Are these the same or different?”
In a fruit play game, strawberries are put on the kids’ tongues and they answer the
question, “What does that feel like?” In another exercise, the kids are given 12 containers with substances inside that represent different scents (like peppermint, vanilla,
or coffee) and are challenged to put the containers with similar scents side by side.


Part 6 ➤ Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium
Sensory (“tantric”) exercises also encourage kids to fully experience each moment—
the same goal of adult tantra training. “The kids’ eyes would sparkle the more they
tuned in to their senses,” the teacher said, “because
they felt pride over mastering their environment.”

The Payoff of Sensory
Training at All Ages
Tantra Tutorial
Women enjoy soft, sensuous
touch in lovemaking, yet fewer
men than women have the natural knack for sensuous massage.
For this reason, it is especially
helpful to teach young boys
how to develop keen sensory

“Children more fully experienced in tactile sense tend
to be more sensitive, tender, and loving toward their
peers,” the teacher also told me, calling the phenomenon, “gentle hands for gentle creatures.” Such sensory
training helps develop respect, honoring each other,
and more expressiveness in communication. “They approach each other with hugs as opposed to the aggressiveness that is more common in children who are not
trained in this way,” she said.

Sensory awareness similarly improves adult communication and self-esteem. For example, the more that
adults are sensitive to touch, the more nurtured the cells in their body feel, and the
more softly they approach and touch others.

The Least You Need to Know
➤ Tantric sex practices are rejuvenating and help you look and feel younger.
➤ Tantra can help men and women deal with the emotional, psychological,
physiological, and hormonal changes that come with menopause and mid-life

➤ The principles of tantra help teens and college-age kids develop healthier attitudes toward sex, have higher self-esteem, and make wiser choices about their

➤ Raising children with tantric sex principles in mind does not encourage irresponsible sexuality; rather it helps them grow up to be loving people.

➤ Teaching the principles of tantra to people of all ages makes them more sensitive toward the world around them and kinder to other people.


Chapter 23

Lifestyles and
Tantra for All
In This Chapter
➤ Tantra in the world of cyberspace
➤ Seeing beyond the physical to the soul
➤ Tantric sex for gay men and women
➤ The value of tantra in disability
➤ Tantra in new models of relating
➤ How tantric loving energy benefits everything around you

In the last chapter I talked about how tantra teaches valuable lessons and love for people of all ages, but what about all persuasions? Yes, the practice can apply to every relationship or situation you’re in, because tantra is based on the union of energies, not
specific entities or even specific genitalia. This makes the practices applicable to everyone regardless of sexual orientation, physical form, or even presence in the flesh—
since tantra, like every other topic—is taking on a cyberform!

With the increasing presence of the Internet and advances in technology, some people
are becoming technological tantric partners, including practicing cybertantra. That
means that just as in other aspects of relationships, the practices of tantra are being

Part 6 ➤ Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium
exchanged over the Internet with tantra enthusiasts communicating with each other,
or even clients seeking sessions over cyberspace.
In the latest edition of my book The Complete Idiot’s Guide to a Healthy Relationship, I
devote an entire chapter to the upsides and downsides of new technology on relationships and how to use it to your advantage. Get a copy and read that chapter to get a
full picture of how this new world is changing and how you can keep your love alive
in the midst of it all! All the valuable advice given there serves as a good foundation
and addition to what I am sharing with you here about practicing tantra.

The Pros of Cybertantra
Tantra is about opening one’s heart to love. For many people who are too shy or
afraid to be open in personal relationships, the distance of the Internet allows them
to be more open in an apparent shield of safety. Connecting through technology
rather than in person can help those who are insecure about setting their boundaries
learn to do so.
Cyber-connecters can also practice getting close to others and test their limits to intimacy. They can allow hidden aspects of their self to emerge, without as much fear as
those who meet face to face, because they can pretend to be someone other than who
they really are and escape easily. The Internet has allowed people to achieve “instant
intimacy” by writing e-mails, pouring out their most intimate feelings and needs to
strangers, or developing “deep” sharing with people whom they hardly know and
have not met in person.

Blocks to Bliss
Be very cautious in pouring out
your most intimate feelings to a
stranger, keeping in mind potential predators on the Internet.
Deal with known tantric groups
on the Web; check them out
first or get a reference. Don’t
give out personal information to
a stranger, and if you must meet
face to face, arrange to meet in
a public place.


Technological advances beyond even cell phones and
beepers allow ever-increasing connections between
people, so that long-distance love is even more possible and physical separations less painful. Advances
such as sound cards, video streaming, and camera attachments on top of your computer now allow both
voice and visual contact between people, increasing
the potential for closer connections. Computer technology is further making contact easily possible between peoples around the world, facilitating the world
view that is consistent with tantra.
Tantra and sacred sexuality are best studied in person
because they are about human connection. Yet energies can also be felt without being face to face—even
electronically. Tantric lovers can stay in touch by typing out instant messages or sending e-mails describing
exactly what they are doing; for example, writing messages such as “I am exhaling now, sending my love energy out my heart and into your heart.”

Chapter 23 ➤ Lifestyles and Situations: Tantra for All Relationships

The Cons of Cybertantra
There is a downside to cybertantra connections.
Tantra is about honesty, authenticity, and being
who you really are; in contrast, the Internet allows
dishonesty in relating. People do pretend to be
something they are not, and they do lie about
their looks, age, or sex. Great disappointment and
deception are possible.
The depersonalization of some technological mediums can facilitate emotional distance and offer escapes from true intimacy and commitment. This
depersonalization is the bane of relationships
today! The method of interaction through words
and writing on the Internet itself can provide an
easy escape for those who have deep fears of intimacy or commitment, letting them pretend to be
close but actually keeping them away from personto-person contact. People can withdraw from interactions easily, logging off and disappearing into
the safety net and ether of cyberspace.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
An increasing number of tantra
coaching and courses are being
offered on the Internet. Explore
their value to you, but don’t use
them as replacements for faceto-face meetings. Attend gatherings or take courses in person
whenever you can; these are
available in cities across the

Seeing Beyond the Physical
Millions of people in this country are unhappy
with their weight. Over the years of being a sex
therapist, it has been painfully clear to me that
such unhappiness has also wrecked millions of
men and women’s sex lives; considering extra
pounds unattractive, they withdraw from sex.
Tantra teaches love for your body that can help
heal self-hatred about one’s own weight. It also
teaches us to see beyond the physical, which can
prevent partners from judging others by the way
they look.

Tantra Tutorial
The Web’s depersonalization has
created an even greater need for
methods that facilitate people
meeting and connecting in a
face-to-face way. Tantra offers
this through its workshops and
coaching sessions.

Lasting Love for Seemingly Odd Couples
Tantra demands seeing beyond the physical, deep into the soul of the other being—
seeing the god or goddess within. As I’ve mentioned, as soon as you do that, love is
possible where it once might never have flourished. Seemingly odd couples become
deeply committed, as the typical external perfect matches are vastly overshadowed by
the meeting and melting of inner souls.


Part 6 ➤ Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium
Couples who practice tantra might have larger age differences than even the average
couple, as well as differences in race, background, economic status, and every other
characteristic you can think of. Increasingly common are the pairings between older
women and younger men and different races.
Joshua Smith is a 35-year-old Black man and Laurie Handlers is a 5’2” 50-year-old
Jewish girl who readily admits her figure is not shaped like a supermodel’s. But
Handlers is a powerhouse, and Josh knew it the moment he laid eyes on her. “She’s
the most amazing woman I ever met,” Josh says. “I know she is the female equivalent
of me—she is the goddess to my god. I am in awe of her. She keeps me in line because she always tells the truth. I dated a lot of women who I lied to and cheated on,
but I could never do that to Laurie because she calls me on everything I do and
makes me own up to it. I like that. I grow from being with her every day.”
Josh and Laurie share a
special love despite differences in age and

Facing Society’s Opinions
Seemingly odd couples often have to deal with the criticisms or discomfort of others
who are not used to unusual pairings. Parents can have a particularly hard time accepting their children’s choices. Don’t be dissuaded by others when you know what’s
right for you. Discuss your differences with your parents, to help them understand
and accept your choice of partner.

The New World of Sexuality
Having a space to express intimacy, as is created in tantra, gives people a chance to
explore a broad range of feelings in whatever way fits their boundaries and is mutually agreeable. This allows for relationships between people that go beyond sexual
roles or orientation. Even though I’ve explained how tantra emphasizes the union of
male and female, you’ll recall I keep emphasizing that these are meant as energies; not


Chapter 23 ➤ Lifestyles and Situations: Tantra for All Relationships

Tantra Tales
Josh knew his mother was unhappy with his choice of Laurie. “I knew she would prefer
that I have someone younger and my same race. At first she was cold to Laurie, but I told
my mother she had a choice: Either accept my choice of woman or not see me! Gradually
she warmed up. At first, she came to accept Laurie as a “sister” because they were the
same age. But after taking several of Josh and Laurie’s workshops (they co-founded
Butterfly Workshops), Josh’s mother came to truly love Laurie, and now thay have a
beautiful relationship.

Learning to integrate and be open to these two energies can lead to more openness in
any type of relationship in which you see beyond the physical into the soul. Heterosexual people could surprise themselves by exploring a same-sex relationship or find
themselves bi-curious (attracted to people of both sexes). Following this principle,
tantra is equally applicable to any relationship regardless of the particular sex of the

Tantric Sex for Men Who Love Men
Bruce Anderson is a pioneer in applying tantric principles for gay men. Trained by
noted tantra teacher Sunyata, Anderson has led classes in California and a weekend
workshop for gay male singles and couples (see Appendix B for content info). Anderson notes a difference between heterosexual tantric sex seminars and those for gay
men: “Gay men are far more eager to interact with everyone in the group, compared
to heterosexual groups, in which women put many more limits on intimate interactions.”
Anderson’s groups do not include emotional clearing exercises (as others do), concentrating instead on learning the cobra breath and yoga postures. Here’s one of his favorite exercises (after reminding partners to always practice safe, protected sex). He
instructs, “As part of your erotic play, move into a position in which you sit facing
each other in a spider legs position [a modified yab yum in which one leg is crossed
over and the other leg crossed under, instead of one partner’s legs inside the other’s].
Have your lingams touching. With one hand on your beloved’s sacrum [at the base of
his spine], use the other hand to create erotic delights for yourself and for him. As
you feel the sparks rising, take deep breaths, concentrating on the inhalation, feeling
a warm current rising up your spine. Stimulate with the intention of surfing on the
edges of orgasm!”


Part 6 ➤ Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium
Foreheads touch in the
tantric kiss.

Keep gazing in each other’s eyes. As you are moved to ejaculate, allow your love to
rise up and ride the crests, pouring it through your eyes, your heart, and all of your
being into your partner. Stay connected as you enjoy and follow the infinite blissful
delight as the divine courses through you and your lover.
Anderson became motivated to teach tantra for gay men, because as a gay male himself, he discovered that intensifying his own erotic play led to his most profound experiences of the divine. “Tantra speaks to men who love men,” says Anderson,
“because it starts from the same premise and impulse upon which we know that we
are gay: deep listening and understanding from the core of our bodies.”
Anderson explains that the basic tantric sex concept, which is built on the union of
polar opposites (male and female) has to be interpreted as an alchemical marriage of
male and female within oneself, not between the partners. “According to physics, opposite poles ground each other in tantra,” he explains, “but in gay tantra, like poles—
of two men—create a tantric spark. It’s just a different flavor.”

Tantric Sex for Goddesses
There are not yet groups exclusively for women who love women similar to Anderson’s groups for men. But some women who do not identify themselves as gay are
drawn to working with other women in classes or women-only workshops especially
devoted to healing the goddess. “I found myself really understanding the meaning of
the word ‘sisterhood,’” one student told me, “but even more, I found myself appreciating being with other women in ways I never did before.”


Chapter 23 ➤ Lifestyles and Situations: Tantra for All Relationships
“Women are ideal healers for each other,” one tantra teacher told me. “They are
naturally warm, loving, and sensitive.” In one exercise in which women break into
small groups and practice dancing sensuously for each other, some women end up
really enjoying watching and holding each other. They can feel safer with other
women than with men, even in doing sacred sector healing work. This is especially
true if they’ve been hurt by men in the past.

Tantric Love for Those with Disabilities
Mitch Tepper had already had his accident—diving
into a shallow lake when he was just 20 years old,
that snapped his spinal cord and confined him to
a wheelchair—when he met Cheryl. She says she
never noticed the chair. When she met Mitch in
college she fell in love with his charm, humor, and
intelligence. Nineteen years later, Mitch can give a
woman a good whirl around on his lap at a dance
party, and the limited movement in his legs and
hands hasn’t stopped him from enjoying sex, or
running a popular pioneer Web site all about the
subject (

Tantra Tutorial
A woman’s sacred sector is another term that refers to the
most sensitive areas within her
vagina. Other phrases are “goddess space” and “G spot.”

“Tantric sex practices are a perfect fit if you’re not
the perfectly fit specimen,” says Mitch, as he describes the unique perspective that tantric sex
takes. Tantra shifts the attention away from intercourse or any particular sex act and
onto slowing down, focusing on sensations, connecting with your partner, and exchanging energy.
Here are some exercises that Mitch recommends:

➤ Look at your right hand for a few moments and pay attention to what you feel,
then focus your attention on your left hand. Pay close attention to the changes
you feel from one hand to the other. If you are able, slowly move your hands
closer together until you can feel the energy between them. Then you can practice moving that energy around by changing the distance between your hands
or the positions of your hands.
➤ Control the pace of your breathing to a slow, relaxed pace with equal time on
the inhale and exhale. If you can sense your heartbeat, you can use that as a
clock to time the breaths.
➤ Learn to connect with a partner by matching the pace of your breathing while
gazing into his or her eyes. You might want to place your hand near your partner’s heart while doing this.


Part 6 ➤ Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium
➤ Develop sensitivity to touch by paying attention to tiny sensation. Become
aware of the feelings and sensations that you have, subtle as they might seem
at first.
Tantric ecstasy and orgasm do not need a buildup of sexual tension, friction, ejaculation, or muscular contractions. In fact, there is no need for the traditional idea of sex
at all once you have discovered that orgasm can be a deeply relaxing meditation.

Healing Relationships with Your Parents
Some people who experience a growth experience want to share it with everyone important in their life, to bring them closer or to heal the relationship. Tantra teacher
Laurie Handlers finally convinced her father to come to a tantra weekend she was
teaching. “I had stored up so much anger toward him over the years,” she explained.
“He never listened to me and always made promises he never kept, even as minor as
saying he would call and then not calling for weeks.” But after her father attended
the weekend, their relationship took a major turn for the better. “I finally told him
how I felt all those years and for the first time I felt he really heard me—and he apologized. That did wonders for me.”
Her partner and co-teacher Joshua Smith had similar success getting his mother to
come to a tantra weekend. “She was always angry with men because my father left
her and she had such bad relationships, that I felt she took it out on me and expected
too much of me,” he told me. “But after she did the workshop, she felt so much better about herself. She knew for the first time that she could be happy, so she is much
less angry and controlling of me.”

Tantra with Your Pets

Ecstasy Essentials
Research has shown that stroking
your pet lowers people’s blood
pressure. Feeling love for your
pets can inspire you to feel more
prone to healthy sexual activity
with your partner.


Hold on, before you have any visions about what I
mean here …! Being tantric with your pets means
being loving, and every pet owner knows the value
of that. Being loving and open in your heart space
will transmit to all living beings around you—
including your pets—and inspire them to respond
with health and well-being.
There’s no doubt that pets pick up on human emotions. The happier and more joyous you are (from
better sex and more love), the better you will treat
your pets and the better they will respond. Every
dog owner knows how sensitive animals can be to
their owner’s moods; the calmer and more blissful
your mood from practicing tantra, the more similar
to that vibration will be your pet’s disposition.

Chapter 23 ➤ Lifestyles and Situations: Tantra for All Relationships
Research has shown that pet owners often feel closer to their pets than to other humans. Although the precepts of tantric sex would require that you open your heart to
other people, single people or those without love partners can express loving energy
to their pets and receive the benefits of a heart connection. Pet owners and animal
lovers know the joy of talking to a pet, letting out deep emotions and feelings, trusting the animal—allow yourself this as a rehearsal for deep sharing with another
human being.

Tantra with Your Plants
I hope I’ve convinced you about the value of sending love energy to your pets. So am
I pushing it too far when I say you can extend the same loving energy to plants? Stay
with me on this one! All plant lovers know that plants, like other living things, are
sensitive to human emotion and caring. The happier you are, the more attuned you
will be to the needs of your plants, from the amount of water to any extra nutrients
you give. But research has suggested that plants also respond to people’s emotions;
growing healthier in a happier environment.
In summary, love and positivity become a cycle: The more you surround yourself
with healthy living things, including people, pets, and plants, the more your own
mood lifts, and the more motivated you will be, in keeping with tantric practices, to
send that positive mood and love back into the world.

The Least You Need to Know
➤ Today’s advances in technology can help tantric practitioners stay in touch,
but should not take the place of in-person contact.

➤ The theories and practices of tantra as the exchange of energy and honoring
of self and others are appropriate for every relationship, regardless of its nature, and allows people to explore all parts of themselves without fear.

➤ Even though tantra technically represents the union of male and female opposites, this refers to energies rather than gender; therefore tantric practices
are equally applicable—and proving valuable—for homosexual partners.

➤ The road to higher consciousness and bliss is possible no matter what your
particular circumstances or health status.

➤ Every relationship you’re in, whether with people, pets, or plants, can be
positively affected by your tantric sex pursuits by generating more loving


Chapter 24

Which Path Is
Right for You?

In This Chapter
➤ Why guidance is so important
➤ Making sense of the different traditions and schools of tantra
➤ Different opportunities to learn tantric sex
➤ Various types of workshops offered and what they cost
➤ Orientation of different teachers
➤ Choosing the path that’s best for you

As in every spiritual practice, philosophy, journey, religion, and school of thought,
tantric sex practices have been passed down through the ages and many different disciplines have evolved. As such, there are many practitioners of different styles of
tantric sex, many schools of tantra, and different teachers to whom different lineages
have been passed down. This chapter will help you sort out those differences so you
can choose which path might be best for you.
The common denominator in all the tantric sex practices is harnessing sexual energy
for the attainment of enlightenment. The highest goal is to use the energy generated
by the spiritual union of two divine beings for the good of all humankind and the

Part 6 ➤ Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium

The Importance of Guidance
The use of the breath to move sexual energy through the body is a process that
should not be taken lightly. It can be dangerous to engage in some advanced breathing practices, healings, and other rituals before one is fully prepared both psychologically and physically. Thrill seekers and over-enthusiastic students can be left in
serious emotional trauma or even develop physical disorders by rushing too quickly
down the path to expected bliss. For example, one expert in tantra says that when he
was a novice at the practices, sending strong rushes of breath up and down his spine
released powerful emotions that caused such violent shaking of his head that his
spinal cord was injured, leaving him with serious disabilities.
Contrary to myth, great sex does not always happen intuitively. Even ancient wisdom
maintained that sexual arts had to be taught. Teachers help by …
➤ Giving you feedback on how practices should be
done for maximum benefit and safety.
➤ Showing how all the practices fit together until
you actually feel it for yourself.
➤ Supporting you in your pursuit and answering
any questions you have.

Tantra Tutorial
In his book Introduction to
Tantra: A Vision of Totality
(Wisdom Publications, 1987),
Lama Yeshe has likened the need
for proper guidance in a
teacher/student relationship to
the confusion that would arise if
instead of getting a Rolls Royce
you got a pile of unassembled
parts and an instruction manual.
Unless you already were a skilled
mechanic, you would likely be
completely lost.


➤ Helping you derive benefits from association
with a lineage, as enlightened experience is
often passed down to chosen students. In addition, some teachings might not be recorded
anywhere and are meant only for oral communication from teacher to student.
➤ Giving you individual tutoring in complex individual practices (such as whether the breath in a
practice goes up and down the spine, or central
body). (I remember being so worried about
whether certain experiences, such as flashes of
light or colors, were “right.”)
➤ Inspiring you, because they have achieved the
goals you seek: of sacred love union or of specific practices such as prolonging orgasm or delaying ejaculation.

Chapter 24 ➤ Which Path Is Right for You?

Blocks to Bliss
In the ideal world, all teachers and types of tantra would peaceably coexist, allowing you
to freely sample from all types. However, as with so many other areas of specialty, competition and schisms have arisen between different schools of tantra. Fallouts happen over
many issues such as violating the rules of certain practices, forcing some students to choose
between teachers. One advanced student of tantra had a falling out with her teacher and
felt excommunicated from the entire tantra community. Be careful not to fall into the approval trap, thinking that anyone holds the key to your enlightenment or acceptance.

Finding the Right Guide
It can be difficult to sort out the best direction for your tantric practice. Ideally a
teacher would be a model of developing beyond selfishness, transcending petty
concerns while still living in the world, and being
dedicated to wisdom and the welfare of others.
Some are better examples of this than others.
As the field grows, there are an increasing number
of practitioners from all backgrounds. These can
include men and women who call themselves
“healers,” “tantra teachers,” “tantra educators,”
“tantrikas,” “dakinis,” or “dakas.” They could be
spiritual counselors and body workers, sex workers,
or professionals licensed in a field of study such as
massage or dance therapy. Others have training
and might be certified by a tantra master who offers training courses; others are not. Only a few are
medical doctors with MDs or psychologists with
Ph.D.s. The maze can be as complicated as sorting
out any counselor who is right for you, for any
problem, from depression to anxiety, to a marital
Here are some guidelines to help you choose a
teacher who is right for you:

Blocks to Bliss
The spirit of tantra is to unleash
your own individuality, your own
specialness—to find your own
special path. Don’t blindly follow
someone else’s path because you
are insecure about your own
choices or fearful of trusting your
own experiences. Also, be very
wary of wounded healers
themselves—or worse yet, sex addicts or energy vampires (people
who suck energy out of others
for their own selfish use).


Part 6 ➤ Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium
➤ Check what is written in this book about what tantra involves, and about specific teachers and schools. Refer to Appendixes B, “Workshops, Web Sites,
Teachers, and Tantra Communities,” and C, “Tantric Tools.”
➤ Surf the Web for sites about tantra and follow all links.
➤ Mention your interest to friends and other people you know. You never know
who might have similar interests, experience, or contacts.
➤ Contact potential teachers for their materials and get references of other
➤ Check the teacher’s background training. What
is his specialty? What schools did she study at?
Assess qualifications in yogic practices, spiritual
journeys, and in other health professions.

Ecstasy Essentials
There is no uniform certification
system or licensure to ensure a
teacher’s credentials, but some
established teachers have offered
certification in their methods.

Charles and Caroline
Muir teaching a class.


➤ Follow your intuition. Let yourself be guided
about whether this teacher is the right person
for you to learn from.
It has been said that a true master does not want to be
called “a guru” or a “master,” because being enlightened involves a state of detachment to a title, ego
needs, or having followers. (One teacher suggested the
term fellow journeyer.) True gurus, it is said, want you
to find the guru inside you. In truth, everyone and
every experience is our teacher—but tantra teachers
have much to share with us.

Chapter 24 ➤ Which Path Is Right for You?
Bohdi Avinasha playing
music at a tantra teacher

Tantra teachers can give sessions or run workshops individually or work in teams.
Learning from a committed couple can present an example of a loving relationship,
which can be inspiring to students. Another advantage is that you get both a male
and female point of view. Some of these couples are listed in Appendix B.
A young couple, Meghan
and Ryan, who teach


Part 6 ➤ Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium

The Different Traditions of Sacred Sexuality
Adding to its complexity, tantra has filtered through and intertwined with many
other spiritual paths. Indian tantra of Hindu heritage varies from Tibetan tantra of
Buddhist heritage, which differs from tantra of Japanese Zen or Chinese Taoist heritage. Within each of these flavors of tantra are many splintered paths, each more liberal or conservative than the root path they sprang from. Yet they also have dramatic
similarities, as between tantra as practiced in Eastern cultures and that of the
American Indians. Let’s look at some of the traditions or terms that describe these
➤ Hindu The Hindus can be credited with the origins of this sacred path since
tantra studies flourished in the temples of India centuries ago. Its practices are
most commonly known by the texts of the Kama Sutra, the ancient “Bible” of
lovemaking that describes not just sexual positions but the value and practices
of love.
➤ Buddhist Tantric sex practices spread from India through Nepal and into
China, where the Taoist traditions incorporated sacred rites and added their own
specific movements, philosophy, and practices. There are many books you can
read to explore these different traditions in detail; in this book I introduce you
to techniques from various traditions (I always teach and treat clients in a holistic way) so you can design your own program that works for you.
➤ Taoist The major principle of this tradition is unswerving adherence to ejaculatory control, consistent with the view that not to do so ruins a man’s health.
One of the best-known teachers is Mantak Chia,
who has written extensively on the Tao of sex
(see the next page).

Tantra Tutorial
Seattle tantra teacher Kirby
Jacobson has deeply connected
to the tantric teachings of many
different lineages. He says his
teachers have been very generous with him and he’s happy to
share the knowledge. You can
contact him with any questions
at or


➤ Quodoushka Originally practices of sacred
sexuality from ancient Mayan and Toltec
schools of learning, this once-secret Native
American Indian system is now being revived.
Similar to some forms of tantric sex based on
breathing techniques and chakras, Quodoushka
teaches the "Fire Breath" as a means to full-body
orgasm. The teachings are based on the medicine wheel, whereby a sexual encounter is
meant to align the four directions, elements,
and corresponding powers; for example: trust
and innocence (south); introspection and intuition (west); wisdom and knowledge (north);
and enlightenment and illumination (east).

Chapter 24 ➤ Which Path Is Right for You?
➤ Trained teachers introduce this knowledge to others, including information
about five different levels and types of orgasm for men and women.
➤ In its original form, adolescent males and females would spend three days and
nights with no food and water to purify themselves in preparation for initiation
into sexual knowledge and behaviors by a Spiritual Fire Woman (also called the
Phoenix Fire Woman). This instructress would take youngsters through rites of
passage and teach adults more advanced practices (how to please different genital types, achieve five different types of orgasm, and do different breaths) to
reach ecstatic states.
➤ Similar to other forms of tantric sex based on breathing techniques and chakras
unique to this tradition is the concept of the medicine wheel (sacred hoop) that
connects all peoples and elements. As such, a sexual encounter honors the four
directions: south (representing water, heart, plants); west (representing earth,
body, rocks); north (representing wind, mind, animals); and east (representing
human beings). Sexuality is in the center, representing the soul, the life force
that and connects the body and mind, all beings, and all that exists.
The Tao of sex.


Part 6 ➤ Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium

Osho: The Spiritually Incorrect Mystic
Osho is a Hindu mystic who transcended all religions and traditions. Formerly known
as Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, and referred to as the “spiritually incorrect mystic” in a
recent biography, he wrote extensively about tantric practices as a vehicle for transformation and achieving personal, interpersonal, and universal freedom; ecstasy; and enlightenment. Unlike other meditation gurus who demand celibacy, Osho celebrated
physical pleasures, becoming embroiled in scandals in
the 1970s and 1980s that resulted in his deportation
from the United States. Osho came to be called (to his
displeasure!) the “Sex Guru.” Although he died years
ago, his spirit lives on at his popular ashram in Pune,
India; devoted followers teach his techniques throughout the world. Many current tantric masters, like
Ecstasy Essentials
Margot Anand and Bodhi Avinasha, were early students of Osho and credit him for the origins of many
Perhaps the most popular of
of their teachings as well as for their personal transforOsho’s exercises is the dynamic
meditation (described more fully

in Chapter 6, “Amp Up or Damp
Down Your Sexual Energy”). It is
done in four steps: accelerated
breathing, emotional release,
quieting the mind, and

An example of Osho’s teaching on love: “Become loving. When you are in the embrace, become the embrace. Become the kiss. Forget yourself so totally that
you can say, ‘I am no more. Only love exists.’ Then
the heart is not beating, but love is beating. Then the
blood is not circulating, but love is circulating. Then
eyes are not seeing, love is seeing.”

Different Trainings

Blocks to Bliss
Just as you should in picking any
doctor or health consultant,
check credentials and background of any healer or tantra
teacher. Use the tips throughout
this book and recommendations
in Appendix B to help your research. Interview the person
thoroughly. Ask for—and talk


Teachers of tantric sex usually offer a varied menu of
services, including individual sessions, evening seminars, weekend or week-long workshops or teacher
trainings. These are held around the country and in
many places around the world. By contacting the central office (see Appendix B), you can find out about
those in your area or request that teachers come to
your area.
Some trainings are more geared toward sexual practices (such as learning ejaculation control or helping
women free their expression), while others include
practices like meditation and emotional clearing. You
may find different trainings helpful at different points
in your journey. I recommend that you get a balanced
experience, so that you don’t just experience sexual
energy in sexual activities. The goal should be to

Chapter 24 ➤ Which Path Is Right for You?
achieve higher states of consciousness that unite body, mind, and soul for spiritual
Me teaching a tantra

Types of Healers and Other Practitioners
As with tantra teachers, there are various kinds of
healers. Tantrikas, dakinis, and dakas are Sanskrit
terms for the male and female teachers who have
been trained in advanced experiences of tantric
transformation, and are able to transmit these
teachings to others. In ancient times they were
considered holy beings. Today they are healers
with expertise in diverse fields related to healing
(you should ask about their backgrounds), such as
philosophy, yoga, sacred sexuality, metaphysics,
and intuitive counseling. Some are devoted to
tantric healing as their job while others have a career in other fields.
Some of these healers might interact with their students to demonstrate how specific practices are
done, supervise couples’ practices, or engage in
hands-on educational sessions or more intense
healings as described in Chapter 17, “Sexual
Healing to Set You Free.” They might describe their
“sultry voice” or “clear blue eyes” and advertise
their services on the Internet as “sacred space
healer” or “priestess of sexual arts”; and offer services such as temple dances, sacred spot work

Tantra Tales
The source of one tradition of
tantra (called tantric Kriya Yoga)
is an immortal called Babaji, supposedly born in 203 A.D. and living in his original form in a cave
in the Himalayas. Babaji guides
those who seek his help and
transmits the practices to many
students who have adapted the
methods to their own particular
branch. When I saw Babaji’s
image I couldn’t tell whether it
was a male or female—exactly
the goal of tantra! Babaji is
honored in the Tantrika International tradition.


Part 6 ➤ Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium
(described in Chapter 17), various kinds of bodywork and massage, bathing and lovemaking rituals, and goddess celebrations. Tantric priests might offer similar services
for women.
There are far fewer male healers than females (partly because women are more nurturing by nature). Male healers often use their given Western name, as opposed to female healers who often assume Indian or exotic names. Some men and women who
train as sexual healers don’t practice it as such, but do so for their own learning. As
one said, “In real life I have a day job.”

Starting and Keeping Up Your Practice
When you are considering a path, go to introductory tantric evenings to experience
whether it’s a good fit with you. After workshops and weekends, you can continue
your study with booster sessions that some teachers offer to keep your individual
practices growing and the community cohesive.

Continuing Your Tantra Education
Most established tantra teachers offer workshops on various themes as well as different levels of training. These usually start with an introductory weekend workshop
and progress to a week-long course. Many students
want to participate more because they enjoy it so
much and it gives them support in their practices; you
can repeat courses you like (usually for a reduced rate)
or take a teacher training course even if you don’t
plan to teach.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Treat levels of tantra expertise
with the same respect as you
would getting a black belt in
karate. It is unwise to dabble in
tantric sex, read a book or take a
course, and then proclaim, “I am
a tantrika” and to announce this
to potential partners, or use this
to entice lovers.


Related training in other areas (such as meditation,
dance, or making relationships work) can help your
tantric practice, but be careful not to get distracted by
too many other pursuits. For example, shaman training greatly deepened my appreciation for spirituality
and even the role of spirits in healing. As a result, I
spent considerable time at temples in Nepal and studied with a Tibetan shaman as part of a training program given by an American expert in shamanism,
Larry Peters.

Chapter 24 ➤ Which Path Is Right for You?
Being blessed at the
shrine of Kali in Nepal.

Training in Tamang
Buddhism in Nepal.

A Few Things to Be Aware Of
If you go to a tantra gathering, be aware of certain aspects that might cause some discomfort for you. Ask ahead of time about the following concerns:
➤ Can I stay with my partner? If you come as a couple, ask whether you will be
allowed to stay together for all the exercises, or if you will be asked to interact


Part 6 ➤ Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium
with the group and choose people you don’t know as a partner for some exercises. Some participants are insecure about a partner’s commitment, and get
jealous seeing him or her working with—and perhaps deeply connecting with—
another person, even if nothing comes of it.
➤ How will I be paired up if I come alone? If you come as a single, be prepared
to be asked to pair up with someone of the opposite sex for some exercises, although your choices and boundaries should always be respected. Most tantric
sex workshops are designed for singles as well as couples, and make serious efforts to achieve an equal number of males and females. Various games create
these pairings (picking matching cards, wandering the room to whomever your
energy draws you). Where numbers are not balanced, you might be asked to
play the role of the opposite sex.
➤ How much time is required? Everyone is busy, but you do not want to be distracted by phone calls and other business when doing your practices at home or
when participating in a workshop. It’s best to devote full attention to the experience, and not be preoccupied with phone calls or checking e-mail.
➤ Will there be nudity? While exhibitionism (displays of nudity) is generally
frowned upon, some workshops create a safe space for you to take off your
clothes during exercises if you choose. In others, various states of disrobing
occur, especially for certain massage experiences (although nudity is not intended to be sexual). Couples might do exercises together unclothed, but have
no interaction with others in the group; in others, there might be massages or
other exercises in groups of varying numbers. More advanced classes obviously
are more relaxed about such things. Be aware of your own comfort level. Ask beforehand what’s in store so you are not caught unaware or disturb others by unpredicted distress.

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Check the level (beginner or advanced) of events. For example,
one tantra event was advertised
as “We strip down and are covered in oil by multiple attentive
hands.” Know whether you are
prepared for this.


➤ Is there sexual activity? Actual sex is not what
the workshops are about, but some places and
teachers are more permissive and activities can
go on after class if people so choose. There is
some controversy within the tantra community
over physical contact. Be clear about your
boundaries and the teacher’s or healer’s orientation. If private coaching by specific types of
healers includes some intimate activity at your
request, this will usually be obvious from their
Web site or an initial conversation. More conservative practitioners—certainly those who belong to professional’s organization and are state
licensed—will not engage in such interaction;
giving couples exercises to do at home in

Chapter 24 ➤ Which Path Is Right for You?
Don’t look to tantric sex workshops to solve serious emotional or relationship problems. Seek professional advice. At one of her week-long workshops, Margot Anand offered a unique service: counseling sessions with qualified therapists. The therapists
were myself, a licensed clinical psychologist, and a medical doctor, Harold Kornylack.
This proved highly successful and useful for participants, because the exercises in the
workshop, while pleasurable, also stimulated some deeper emotional issues. For example, one woman remembered for the first time after 20 years having been abused as a
child. Another woman became intensely jealous about her husband appearing to flirt
with someone. A man became distraught over rejection when he was not chosen to
do an exercise by the woman he eyed. Ask about the availability of such assistance, or

Costs of individual evenings average about $20, or are based on contributions or ability to pay. Weekends can cost from $180 to $395. Discounts are available for couples,
or if you sign up several people, work as an assistant, or repeat the course. Because
many trainings like to have an equal number of men and women present, they might
offer better discounts if they need an extra Shiva or Shakti. If you sponsor or organize
the weekend and invite a qualified teacher, you can come free or even earn some
money for your work.

Do Tantra Weekends Work?
The first research ever conducted on the effects of teaching sacred loving and healing
the god/goddess was done on a group attending a weekend workshop led by master
yoga and tantra teacher Sasha Lessin. He was assisted by me and his wife, Janet Kira
Lessin. Before the workshop, many of the female
participants described themselves as shy, embarrassed, and even shameful about sex—feelings that
were often linked to dissatisfaction about their
body (mostly feeling overweight), fears of intimacy
and rejection, and past sexual abuses.
After the workshop, participants reported useful
lessons in improved communication, honoring
themselves and their relationships, and feeling
more open and trusting. The results indicated an
improvement in the quality of intimacy and communication, and in the amount of pleasure the
women—and the men—felt in their sexual and
everyday lives.

Ecstasy Essentials
Budget your money for your
courses. Consider it an expense
for continuing education. What
could be more valuable for your


Part 6 ➤ Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium

New Trends in Tantric Experiences
Gatherings is a recent term referring to a playful social that provides some organized
activities and ice breakers (games, pujas, massage round-robins, potluck meals) to
facilitate connecting with like-minded people in a sacred, sensual, loving, and safe environment. These gatherings are consistent with tantric principles and lifestyle but are
more free form than workshops. Although there is some structure, you never know
exactly what’s going to happen, because each gathering is co-created by the group and its unique combination of people. The events often include dance,
singing, drumming, feasts, and depending on the facilities, outdoor activities such as hiking or spending
time on a beach. Often people bring favorite foods
and musical instruments. Come dressed casually.

Tantra Tutorial

In the tantric sex community,
playshops refer to gatherings that
focus on the pursuit of pleasure
and give permission for people
to play together as couples or in
groups. Be aware of the kind of
openness this could involve.

Harmony in Paradise in
Boulder, Colorado, is the
site of tantric getaways.


Some tantra teachers are now offering exotic escapes
that are like vacations, but consistent with tantric
lifestyle and practices. These are held at elaborate
homes (sometimes their own) or other locations with
sensual environments (complete with hot tubs,
saunas, lakes, and indoor pools). These might be the
same places where they hold workshops, seminars,
and private coaching; however, the mini-vacations
offer a less structured and more fun atmosphere.

Chapter 24 ➤ Which Path Is Right for You?
Dolphin and whale trips run by tantra teachers are also increasingly popular. Dolphin
consciousness is part of the tantric wave (the undulation that is characteristic of ecstasy). Certainly, awareness and preservation of these amazing beings is consistent
with tantric appreciation of preservation of the environment, nature, and all beings.
Various retreat centers are known as locales for seminars and workshops about tantric
sex and workshops on related topics, often taught by noted teachers and experts. The
surroundings and facilities are particularly conducive to heart-centered events and
opening to loving energy. These include Harbin Hot Springs, two hours north of San
Francisco; the Omega Center, which has headquarters in New York but a retreat center upstate; and the Zen Center, east of Los Angeles.

Integrating Tantric Sex with Other Techniques
Many of the techniques of tantric sex described in this book and used by noted
tantric masters are adapted from emotional processes used in other therapeutic
modalities or spiritual practices. For example, the emotional release processes are
adapted from techniques used by other Western therapists, and some meditation and
breathing practices are taken from various Eastern traditions.
The practices of tantric sex can often be smoothly integrated into spiritual growth
routines with many other disciplines. Western practitioners of tantra are increasingly
following this trend, as more collaborate on developing workshops, and as the techniques of tantric sex become more popular. Tantric practices are increasingly used
by more traditional therapists who follow different Western disciplines. Therapists
like myself, with extensive training in clinical psychology and backgrounds in psychoanalytic theory, use tantra in a mixture of many other therapeutic tools and
techniques. This holistic approach can include disciplines like cognitive-behavioral
therapy, neurolinguistic programming, and Gestalt therapy. I call it being an “eclectic” therapist—custom designing the approach for whatever the person needs.


Part 6 ➤ Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium

The Least You Need to Know
➤ Tantra is a growing discipline, with an increasing number of options available
for seminars, workshops, and evening events you can attend.

➤ Because there are no uniform guidelines for the certification of tantra teachers, it can be difficult to choose one; do considerable research and get recommendations from others before making your choice.

➤ Research tantric teachers and events, but also follow your heart about what’s
right for you. Attending an introductory evening is a good idea.

➤ Engaging in some advanced breathing practices, healings, and other rituals
before one is fully prepared can be dangerous; find a qualified teacher to
guide you.

➤ Budget your money and time to allow for your continued education to keep
you focused on your practice and to advance your growth. Take ongoing
courses at different levels, repeating courses or getting individual coaching.


Chapter 25

A Healing Force
for Now and the

In This Chapter
➤ Tantra as a global community
➤ How tantra can interrupt the terrible cycle of abuse
➤ Turning away from artificial highs
➤ Tantra as a healing force in the face of illness
➤ More tolerance is possible the tantra way
➤ How tantra can help heal the world

You’ve learned throughout this book that the principles of tantra and tantric sex are
to keep an open heart and to heal hurts. Tantra knows no prejudices for any humans,
living things—or any things, for that matter—in the world. Therefore, you can express
your loving heart energy in many directions and receive the benefits from that experience. This approach can fuel your connection to all beings and ultimately to the universe, protect you from the normal devastation of loss that people suffer, and open
you to new dimensions of loving toward all beings.
I’ve also emphasized how tantra can be healthy for every aspect of your life. As we
move forward in this new millennium, life becomes more complicated and challenging, and world conflicts more threatening. Tantric sex can help in adjusting to the
fast-paced, stressful, and technologically digitized world we live in. In this chapter,
you’ll learn how the tantric lifestyle can help you survive—and thrive—in this new
age and make a better future for you, your loved ones, and the world.

Part 6 ➤ Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium

You Are Not Alone
People on certain paths or with similar interests tend to travel in similar circles and
pursue similar interests. This is especially true when it comes to tantra. One of the
most touching aspects of studying tantra is that you become connected to a group of
people referred to as the “tantra community.” Serious students even refer to the
“tantra family.” Of course this can lead to all the typical conflicts that might arise in
any family (from petty complaints to big fallouts). However, in general the participants feel a sense of belonging and mutual caring that is especially valuable in these
trying, isolating times.
The Internet has made it possible for everyone to communicate more freely all
around the world. For tantra enthusiasts, this means an expansion of the tantra community globally. It’s easy to join the Internet global tantra community to feel more
connected to the world, ask questions, and share your experiences.

Sending Energy, Especially in the Face of Tragedy
With a growing spiritual community and more people committed to healing, there
are an increasing number of global events intended to heal the planet. The annual
World AIDS Day is a model for this paradigm, in which people all over the world are
invited to focus their attention on a particular subject; in this case, AIDS. The tantra
community has promoted such events, consistent with tantric principles of spreading
love energy.
When the devastating tragedy of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Towers took
place in September 2001, e-mails of love and support instantly flooded the Internet.
Members of the tantra community were particularly active in sending out messages of
support and healing. I posted many such messages on my site at www.cameraplanet
.com, including “mini” therapy sessions with people I met on the street who wanted
advice about troubling issues. One man wanted to know if it was okay to want more
sex; he was ashamed to feel this way in the face of others losing their lives and loved
ones. I reassured him that was normal. Another woman asked me if she should divorce her husband, as she was consumed with anger that she needed to talk about the
tragedy but he refused to discuss it.
Any threat to life can lead to depression and withdrawal from relationships and sex,
or the opposite—a desire for deeper connection in love and even more sex, out of a
desire to reaffirm life. For example, one San Francisco hospital reported more babies
born nine months after a devastating earthquake. And think of the number of marriages and babies conceived before men went off to World War II. When life is threatened, people need love. It’s the time for the spirit, energy, and practice of tantra, with
its emphasis on love.


Chapter 25 ➤ A Healing Force for Now and the Future

Tantra Tales
People need to be told how much they are loved, and fear that they won’t get the love
they need. Saying “I love you” is a basic teaching in tantra. After the World Trade Center
attacks, one Arab college student asked me whether girls would not date him now out of
distrust for people of his ethnicity. A young woman asked my help to get her boyfriend to
commit to her. She had asked him what he would do if she were in danger, a question I
told him really meant that she needed him to tell her how much he cares. He finally understood her needs and agreed to her requests to spend more time together.

At one session of our advanced teacher training with Tantrika International, Bodhi
Avinasha invited students to spiritually join a similar advanced group in Germany, to
put our energies together to send healing energy to the planet. The practice started
with a process called Yoga Nidra, leading to deep relaxation. This was followed by
guided imagery, in which Bodhi described exactly what the hill in Germany where
the group lived looked like, and the route of light energy that we would ride to get
there. Several of the participants in both countries successfully had the experience.

Tantra Tutorial
Yoga Nidra, known as “sleep of the yogi,” is a technique to progressively relax body parts
and still the mind, to reach that moment when you feel about to fall asleep but are still
awake. This is a magical time to direct your consciousness and empower your intentions.
Being in that state is also useful to help people stop smoking and beat other addictions.

The next time you are with your beloved, send love energy you have charged through
your chakras and cycled together out to the world—for love and healing for all (as
shown in the following illustration).


Part 6 ➤ Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium
Sending out healing love
energy to the world.

Healing the Cycles of Abuse
The number of women and men of all ages who have been abused—emotionally,
physically, or sexually—is shocking. I have heard so many of these sad tales from people calling my radio show to share their stories. Fortunately, people are paying more
attention to these traumas, facilitating healing and preventing further victimization.
But more needs to be done! Tantric practices can actually create a future with less
prevalence of such violations in several ways:
➤ Tantric practices encourage men and women to set their boundaries, respect the
rights of others, and communicate with more loving intention. In this way,
there will be less possibility of misunderstanding or power struggles that lead to
sexual harassment or more serious issues.
➤ By fostering self-esteem in youngsters and teaching them to expect respect, they
will be more capable of resisting peer pressures that get them in trouble, and instead make wise decisions and develop healthy relationships.
➤ Tantric practices can actually reduce the possibility of becoming a victim of
abuse. This is partly due to the fact that becoming sensitive to energies can help
you detect potential dangers and deflect attacks.


Chapter 25 ➤ A Healing Force for Now and the Future
➤ Such awareness about energy can help youngsters resist potentially predatory
behaviors. By learning that their body is a sacred area, they can understand the
lesson that no one has a right to see or touch their sacred areas without their
permission, and if anything bad happens, they will be more likely to tell an
adult immediately and express their feelings.
➤ Practicing tantra can help heal women and men who have been abused to regain self-respect and trust, because the philosophy puts such emphasis on respect, equality of partners, maintaining control over your own body, and
self-expression. Having a partner who honors these principles and generating
loving energy can also help these women and men trust new beloveds to allow
healthy physical contact and healthy closeness.
➤ Tantric practices can help stop the victim/victimizer cycle by focusing on feeling
loved and sending out love, asking permission before you touch, transmuting
sexual urges into other energies, and healing past pains.
Fortunately, people now feel less stigmatized when
seeking help when faced with problems such as
abuse. Following a tantric lifestyle that fosters
kindness toward oneself continues this healthy attitude that problems are not shameful defects or
disasters, but opportunities for personal growth.
Couples and even extended family groups can seek
help together, consistent with the tantric spirit of
empathy, caring, and extended community.

A Healthy Way to Get High

Dr. Judy’s TantrAdvice
Encourage children to open their
hearts more readily to others of
different backgrounds. Do the
same, and you might be surprised
at the love that comes your way!

Now that you know about tantric practices, you
might be willing to see how the type of exercises,
including breathing and generating energy, can
pale the pursuit of artificial highs through drugs and alcohol. Why take drugs and
risk those dangers when you can get the same—and better—effects the natural, tantric
way? Here are just a few examples:
➤ The Shakti shake, fire breath, Osho meditation, lama breaths, freestyle dancing,
and sexercises can get your adrenaline going in the same way as the dangerous
drug, speed.

➤ The meditative practices, such as chanting “om” and alternate nostril breathing,
can make you as calm as taking a downer. Best of all, you get to control it all!
➤ Breathing and sending energy through your body can make your brain explode
in the same way as mind-altering drugs. Try doing the bandhas (muscle holds
described in Chapter 5, “Prep Your Body Temple of Love”) and hold the breath


Part 6 ➤ Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium
before you shoot it through your chakras. You’ll get a better, more natural blast
than any drug can give you, with no complication, addiction, or side effects.
Pleasure is at your fingertips. Take it in through the nose (your breath that is,)
and blow your mind!

Tantra as a Healing Force in the Face of Illness
Tantric sex utilizes energy to heal pains stored in the body. These do not just apply to
sexual hurts from past sexual experiences but to emotional wounds that are associated with hurts, rejections, and even to real physical illnesses. The techniques work
because they give a person control over his or her energy, help them build powerful
pools of energy through the sexual charge, and then direct their energy.
Directing energy through tantra practice is consistent with techniques used to heal serious illnesses, by helping patients use imagery to identify where bad cells are and direct their good cells to overcome the bad ones. This
can be used in many disorders, even life-threatening
illnesses such as cancer.

Ecstasy Essentials
Imagery techniques give patients
control over their illnesses.
Famed medical doctor and cancer specialist Bernie Siegel has
been recommending these techniques and successfully using
them with his patients for years.

California tantra teacher Diane Greenberg specializes
in helping women with cancer by teaching them
tantric sex techniques. “My major approach, and the
belief that I teach women, is that being turned on is a
major healing force,” says Greenberg. She notes that
this life-threatening disease insults a woman’s sense of
femininity, and that drugs often cause what she labels
“a libido-ectomy” or an excising of sex drive.

Greenberg invites women to consider that even during
a cancer crisis, a woman can still enjoy her sexuality
and sense of womanhood. She encourages women to
be present to their feelings, to give attention to their
yoni and breast areas, and to use breathing and mudras to send love, energy, and “juice” to their own
body and to their partners. Greenberg insists that women should not ignore their
anatomy and genitalia, as many do when their libido is low and embarrassment
about their body is high. Greenberg helps them reframe what is and is not lovely
(such as mastectomy scars), and encourages them to let love heal. “Magic happens,”
says Greenberg, “when women with cancer practice tantra and suffer less.”

How Tantra Promotes Tolerance and Diversity
We cannot avoid news stories about tragedies that evolve from racial, ethnic, and
lifestyle diversity. Religious groups are still killing each other. Prejudice against people
who choose different lifestyles—homosexuals, transgendered people—still runs rampant. History is full of wars that create an “us against them” mentality.


Chapter 25 ➤ A Healing Force for Now and the Future
Yet we are becoming a global community, with all
races, cultures, and creeds blending to create a new
breed of human. Groups with alternative lifestyles
have formed communities and action organizations. The tantric lifestyle fosters cooperation and
trust rather than distrust and aggression. A generation of humans embracing tantra is capable of
breaking the cycle of dysfunction and destruction
by fostering a desire to support rather than destroy

How Tantric Sex Can Help
Heal the World
Tantra communities often network to come together at times of harmonic convergence to anchor
in peace and love for the planet. It happened after
the World Trade attacks, when members of the
tantra community sent out e-mail messages requesting people to all pray for peace at exactly the
same time. Other tantra practitioners practiced sex
magic, as described in Chapter 15, “Make It Juicy
with Magic and Play.” During the height of sexual
energy arousal, they sent out healing love energy
to the world.
A lofty goal, indeed—tantric sex saving the world!
Yet, practicing tantric sex can actually help bring
about more peace in the world. The fact is, the
happier you are with yourself, the more tolerant
you are of others. The more satisfied you are with
your relationships, the more willing you are to
treat others well and see to it that they are as
happy as you are.
Tantric practices help you go beyond this patriarchal world of dominator consciousness in which
one feels superior over the other, and enter a world
of balance, harmony, and peace. Through tantra,
you realize that nothing in the human condition is
alien to yourself and begin to feel your sisters and
brothers and other creatures that share this world
with you. Once you feel others, you can no longer
wish them ill or harm them. With this new

Ecstasy Essentials
Diversity expert and tantra
teacher John Hill travels around
the country teaching organizations how to become more tolerant of differences in race, age,
and sex. He says, “When we realize that we are all the same, we
can approach people with the
respect they deserve, which will
not only benefit the individual
but the entire organization,
with ripples felt in the larger

Tantra Tutorial
Increasingly, research is focusing
on energy transmission for healing. Deepak Chopra’s Center for
Well Being is collaborating with
the Institute of Noetic Sciences
and Bastyr University, along with
federal monies from the
National Institutes of Health, on
“The Neural-Energy Transfer
Project” to scientifically explain
the power of prayer.


Part 6 ➤ Tantra for Everybody in the New Millennium
paradigm, you change individually, and the planet as a whole changes, to create a
true partnership society with equality for all.

The Least You Need to Know
➤ Studying tantra connects you to a global tantric community that can provide
you with a sense of belonging and mutual caring.

➤ The practices of tantra can heal the wounds of abuse and put an end to the
victim/victimizer cycle of abuse.

➤ Tantric practices hold the power to help heal many physical and emotional
illnesses, even those that are life threatening.

➤ The tolerance and understanding necessary to heal racial and international
tensions is facilitated by tantric practices, that teach people to come from

➤ Love, honor, and respect for oneself and partners consistent with a tantric
lifestyle can extend to the larger community and the world, creating the
potential for peace.


Appendix A


amrita Female ejaculate, also called the nectar of the goddess, and considered a
blessing for the partner and the fountain of youth.

Muscular lock, used to direct and intensify sacred energy.

beloved A person with whom you share loving energy at the most committed level,
and with the highest of intentions toward your mutual good.
bindi A decoration that tantric women place on the third eye; to dazzle, but also to
aid the woman and her partner in focusing during meditation. The word formally
means “seed” or “dot,” which symbolizes the union of male and female. Red dots are
received from the mother, and white dots from the father, at conception.
bliss An extremely ecstatic and expansive feeling often characterized by clear light
that fills the mind and body.
chakra A center of energy, in the shape of a wheel, that emanates from certain body
areas or centers, and is the focus of concentration in tantric sex practices. The seven
centers are located at the base of spine, genitals, belly, heart, throat, forehead (third
eye), and top of the head.
daka The Sanskrit name for a highly trained male who helps arouse blissful sexual
energy in another who wants to learn tantric practices. A male healer who embodies
Shiva energy and serves Shakti unconditionally, considered a priest who could be
versed in many disciplines including healing, yoga, sexuality, philosophy, psychology,
and metaphysics.
dakini The female equivalent of the daka. The Sanskrit name for a highly trained female who helps arouse blissful sexual energy in another person who is learning tantric
practices. Also a goddess or priestess who is a healer and, like the daka, can have varied expertise in a number of disciplines.

Appendix A
deity-yoga The practice of aligning oneself with a deity in meditation for the specific purpose of attaining the qualities embodied by that deity.
deva/devi Another term to refer to gods and goddesses respectively, a deity, cosmic
power, or holy creative force.
empowerment An initiation into tantric practices, used in modern times to refer to
personal strength to follow one’s path with convictions and overcoming any fears.
energy The life force from within that can be pooled internally and then channeled
to create magnificent results in the inner and outer worlds.
goddess/god deities Spiritually enlightened, powerful, erotic, sexual, or fertility related energies worshipped in ritualistic ways. Refers to ancient beings as well as every
contemporary woman and man, each equally deserving of being treated with respect
and honor.
grounding Connecting solidly to the earth; feeling secure and centered within
one’s body, as through the energy of the first (base) chakra.
healer A person who facilitates the growth of another while being clear of personal
needs or demands.
holding the space Contributing your positive energy to whatever is happening to
make the environment or people safe.
initiation A process by which an authorized teacher trains you in specific practices
and deems that you are ready for these.
inner flute A clear breathing pathway through the energy centers (chakras) of your
body, so that you can almost hear the air in a flutelike sound, traveling through your
kundalini Blissful energy dormant within the spine until activated by tantric practices. Often depicted as a coiled serpent that moves up the spine.
lingam The phallus. A man’s “wand of light” derived from the word “linga,” meaning pillar of adoration and worship.
maithuna Elaborate tantric ritual with many ceremonial steps, usually culminating
in some form of sacred sexual union.
mandala A diagram symbolic of a message about life and death and the nature of
being, used as a tool for meditation. The design often depicts animal forms, nature
scenes and particular deities and evokes their properties or aspects.
mantra Recitations (of words, phrases or sacred Sanskrit syllables) used in practicing
meditations, the repeating of which focuses attention and invokes spiritual powers.
meditation Concentration that stills the mind to allow pure energy to exist without
the interference of thoughts or emotions.



Sacred hand gestures to focus the body’s energy with intention.


Subtle nerve channels related to physical body and energy healing.

nirvana Reaching the highest state of bliss and enlightenment that is liberated
from the attachment to worldly possessions. Also considered as the ultimate spiritual
peace that transcends birth and death so that the soul no longer needs to incarnate
on the earth plane.
prana Energy, air, breath, life force that is generated in the body by nurturing,
healing, physical, and mental practices, healthy eating and devotion to selftransformation and enlightenment.

A specific ritual, or sacred circle of worship performed by a group of people.

rituals Actions that are special or ceremonial in nature. Those done during tantric
lovemaking include bathing, making dedications of love, and setting intentions.
safe space The experience of being protected from danger, either referring to a
physical location or to the ambiance created by the people present. This facilitates
free expression.
Sanskrit The ancient sacred Hindu language in which most religious texts are written, which expresses a total philosophical, scientific and religious body of knowledge
about spiritual and sacred practices to reach higher states of consciousness. The word
means “perfect” or “complete.”
separation The sensation of being apart from others, created by our thinking that
we are different, or by withholding emotions or thoughts.
sexual healing An experience in which a healer facilitates someone in a session
where sexual energy is aroused and allowed to be expressed for the person’s highest


A name used to refer to the ultimate energy created by the force of the feminine, and any woman as a goddess. Also the name of a Hindu deity who represents
the divine mother and lover who unites with Lord Shiva for blissful consciousness.
Shiva A name used to refer to any man as the ultimate representation of male energy. Also, the cosmic masculine force capable of creation or destruction, the divine
male, worshipped in tantric practices and manifested in many forms, who combines
with Shakti for blissful union.
Shiva/Shakti mudra An exercise of bringing the energy up from the earth (the
source of feminine Shakti energy)into the heart area and bringing it down from the
sky (the source of male Shiva energy) into the heart area.

The central energy channel, visualized as a tube of light in front of the

spooning position A position where one partner lies against the other with his
chest pressed against her back, meant to create connection or provide safety and


Appendix A
tanghka Sacred paintings, usually of deities and other life forms, that represent universal themes and forces. Focusing on the images assist in the attainment of various
states of consciousness and awareness of the nature of life and death.
tantra Sanskrit word for sacred teachings and practices that lead to high states of
bliss and enlightenment. A mystical and spiritual system that combines philosophy,
psychology and cosmology and transmutes energy in order to achieve a balance between opposites and the integration and evolution of mind, body and spirit.
Characterized by an honoring of the goddess, uniting with god energy.
tantric sex Using the teachings of tantra in the sexual union to reach high states of
bliss and enlightenment.
tantric sex master
on the path.

A person trained in tantric sex practices who can teach others

tantric temple Your body, in the sacred act of giving and receiving pleasure for
yourself and your partner; also, any place in which you engage in tantric lovemaking
rituals (bedroom, another room in the house, hotel room that you specify as a sacred
place for lovemaking for even one night).
tantrika Any woman practiced in the art of moving sexual energy to reach higher
states of consciousness and bliss for herself and a partner. In ancient times, a woman
expert in the arts of lovemaking.
third eye The symbolic eye on the forehead between our two eyes that is a focal
point for concentration toward higher states of consciousness.
transmuting energy Moving energy from one energy center to another, such as
using the breath to pull energy up from the sexual center into the heart area.
vajra A Sanskrit term for the male genital organ, or lingam (also called a jewel, or
dorje in Tibetan), symbolic of power, indestructibility and great worth. Considered a
magical weapon or thunderbolt, it is depicted in an emblem or forged into a threedimensional object with two crown-like shapes connected with a ball in the center.
The male symbol is combined with a bell, symbolizing the female, to create a union
of both energies.

The use of creative imagination in meditation to conjure up states of

yab yum A pose used in many tantric sex practices in which woman sits astride her
partner, facing him so that their chakras are aligned to facilitate their connection.
Their feet can meet behind each other’s backs, to further encircle them.
yang Energy that manifests as masculine energy, symbolic of qualities that are active, analytic and associated with the heaven and father. Meant to unite with yin
(feminine) energy in order to achieve balance necessary for enlightenment.


Mystic geometrical diagram used for healing meditation.

yin Energy that manifests as feminine, considered symbolic of receptivity, nurturance, earth and all that is opposite to yang energy. Meant to unite with yang in order
to achieve balance and wholeness, necessary for enlightenment.
yoga A physical discipline that conditions the body as a vehicle through which the
mind can attain higher states of consciousness.
yogi/yogini Sanskrit names to refer to gods and goddesses (devas and devis) or
classes of spiritual beings, as well as those males and females who engage in yoga
yoni Sanskrit word for the vagina, a woman’s sacred temple, the symbol of Shakti
or female power.


Appendix B

Workshops, Web
Sites, Teachers,
and Tantra
Listed here are some helpful resources for you to start—and continue—your practice.
I’ve listed whatever information the source provided. Once you get started, you’ll inevitably link from one site to another and find what you need. Get in touch with me
(see ad page) with any questions.

Teachers and Workshops
Here is information about various people and places you can explore for more information about tantric practices and training experiences. The list includes contact information for tantra teachers and resources referred to in this book to help guide your
choice of what’s best for you. These offer a variety of services, including events, workshops for individuals and couples, various levels of advanced work, private coaching,
and teacher trainings. Their sites also offer books, videos, CDs, clothing, and other
items for tantric practice.
Tantrika International
Executive Director: Antoinette Asimus
1-888-TANTRIKA (1-888-826-8745)
Web site:
Weekend workshops and week-long trainings at introductory and more advanced levels given by trained teachers in the Tantrika International tradition founded by Bodhi
Avinasha, author of Jewel in the Lotus and Living in Bliss. Comprehensive approach unifies mind, body, and spirit to harness sexual energy to higher states of consciousness
and ecstasy. Also offers teacher certification, books, videos, and other items.

Appendix B
Charles and Caroline Muir
Source School of Tantra
P.O. Box 1451
Wailuku, HI 96793
Fax: 808-572-8622
Web site:
A yoga master and sexual healer for over 20 years, the Muirs are pioneers in the field
of tantra in America and offer a wide variety of courses for beginning or advanced
singles and couples, including certification for teachers. Thousands of men and
women have taken their weekend workshops with special emphasis on freeing—and
healing—sexual energy and honoring the goddess. Books and videos on “conscious
loving” and secrets of female sexual ecstasy as well as other items are also available.
Butterfly Workshops
Founders: Laurie Handlers and Joshua Smith
3701 Reno Road, NW
Washington, DC 20008
Web site:
Called “the place where people fly,” this committed couple offers workshops on subjects like bliss, ecstasy, and personal empowerment; courses in creative techniques like
Yogaboxing; and vacation retreats in the U.S. and abroad for individuals and couples
at all levels. Also sells clothing, jewelry, videos, books, music, and artwork.
Carla Tarantola
Web site:
Private tantric energy sessions for men, women, and couples; and tantra seminars and
workshops for small and large groups in New York and around the country. Carla has
20 years as a yoga instructor and relationship counselor.
Celebrations of Love
Founder: Lori Star
c/o Sunrise Center
45 San Clemente Drive, Suite C-200
Corte Madera, CA 94925
415-924-LIVE (415-924-5483)
Web site:
Comprehensive programs of tantric study from a variety of teachers, and weekend
and other vacation retreats as well as celebratory evening events. Popular courses in
“Tantra, Healing, and Sacred Sexuality” and “Breath, Love, and Passion,” also in communication and massage.


Workshops, Web Sites, Teachers, and Tantra Communities
Robert Frey
P.O. Box 1006
Studio City, CA 91614
Web site:
Leads or co-leads workshops and tantric events, especially with original music.
Background in meditation and Sufism, Buddhis and counseling.
Sky Dancing Tantra
Founder: Margo Anand
P.O. Box 2967
San Rafael, CA 94912-2967
Web site:
A pioneer of tantra and student of Osho, Anand’s brand of tantra, Skydancing, is
taught by her trainees in the U.S., while she does special weeklong workshops and
trainings. Author of many books on tantric sex, including The Art of Sexual Magic, she
is currently pursuing a life-long dream to set up a spiritual church.
Marci Javril
13428 Maxella Avenue #136
Marina del Rey, CA 90292
Web site:
Certified body worker, massage therapist, talented intuitive healer, and tantric sex
teacher offers certification courses in bodywork, as well as tantra events, courses, and
coaching for men and women.
Taoist Sex
Universal Tao Center Co. Ltd.
Founder: Mantak Chia
274/1 Moo 7, Luang Nua, Doi
Saket, Chiang Mai 50220, Thailand
Fax: 1-66-53-495-852
E-mail: or
Web sites:,
Expert in Eastern Taoist techniques in sexuality for men and women, Mantak Chia
has been teaching for three decades. He has written many books on these techniques
and offers trainings at his retreat center in Thailand.


Appendix B
Deer Tribe Metis Medicine Society (DTMMS)
Web sites:,
Native American Indian tantric tradition that uses breathwork and other rituals of
special sexual skill to achieve overall well-being.
The Art of Being, LLC
Founder: Alan Lowen
P.O. Box 790269
Paia, HI 96770
Web site:
Workshops include “Body, Heart & Soul” tantra trainings and “The Universal

Teachers in a Male/Female Team
Dick and Antoinette Asimus
Cincinnati, OH
1-877-931-3030 or 513-931-3030
Web site:
Experienced tantric couple, married in loving union for 30 years, lead evening events
and workshops in their local area and around the country, in the tradition of Tantrika
Steve and Lokita Carter
Institute for Ecstatic Living
1-877-982-6872 or 707-928-6964
Web site:
Trained tantra teachers also expert in techniques of massage and watsu (healing in
water). They also coordinate Skydancing tantra workshops.
William Florian and Christina Sophia
962 Dorthel Street
Sebastopol, CA 95472
E-mail: or
Web site:
Organizes parties and tantric gatherings for evenings or weekends in romantic and exotic environments, and workshops in tantra and sensual dance, with performances of
tantric love rituals, god/goddess dance massage, and sensual feasts.


Workshops, Web Sites, Teachers, and Tantra Communities
Mark (Umeshanand) Michaels and Patricia (Veenanand) Johnson
Kailash Center for Personal Development, Inc.
1992 Commerce Street, #301
Yorktown Heights, NY 10598
Web site:
Devoted married couple who combine contemporary Western tantra with a traditional, lineage-based approach. They also offer distance learning programs with Dr.
John Mumford, a leading figure in contemporary tantra now living in Australia.
Francesca Gentille and Brian Bourke
The LifeDance Center
Web site:
Co-directors of the LifeDance Center, they teach sacred sensual dance, and give workshops in conscious flirting and relationship skills. Developing tantra community at to raise awareness about positive sexuality.

Workshops for Special Populations
College Students
Meghan Lambert and Ryan Deluz
E-mail: or
College-age couple trained by Tantrika International hold events and workshops
especially for college students.

Teen Tantra
Shavana Fineberg, Ph.D.
Web site:
Psychologist offers workshops for teens to develop self-esteem and relationship skills
using tantric consciousness.


Appendix B

Gay Men
Bruce Anderson
Web site:
Classes on tantra for gay men given by California-based tantra teacher, using Kriya
Jyoti Cobra Breath, massage, and other tantra techniques.

Mitch Tepper, Ph.D.
Web site:
Extensive Web site about all aspects of sexuality, including disability.

Web site:
Ceremonies and workshops on “Conversations That Matter” especially for Singles.

Diane Greenberg
Tantra educator certified by the Muirs’ Source School of Tantra. Greenberg is also a
sexual healer and advocate for women who specializes in helping women with cancer

Related Trainings
Tantra Sound Toning
Ohana of Joy
Founder: Karin Schelde
P.O. Box 1173
Haiku, HI 96708
1-800-841-7457 or 808-249-6434
Talented healer gives workshops and private coaching in using voice, sounds, chanting, and other breathwork exercises for transformation, expansion of ability to communicate, healing, and empowerment. Also offers videos, audiotapes, and CDs.


Workshops, Web Sites, Teachers, and Tantra Communities
Spinal Alignment
Lexi Fisher D.C.
Abundant Health Associates
Palm Springs, CA
Web site:
Tantra teacher also trained in nutritional counseling and special techniques to keep
the spine healthy.
New Relationship Choices
Deborah Anapol
Web site:
Runs events, workshops, and intensive trainings for individuals and couples interested in new lovestyle choices, based on her book, Polymory, the New Love Without
Limits. Also offers video, Erotic Spirituality, based on the first Celebration of Sacred
Sexuality Conference she organized.
Sasha and Janet Lessin
1371 Malaihi
Wailuku, HI 96793
1-877-244-4103 toll free or 808-244-4103
Web site:
Committed couple who runs evenings, parties, workshops in their home in Maui and
in other parts of the country. Experienced in tantra, as well as yoga and breathing
techniques, and specialize in creating tantric polyamorous communities.

Related Centers for Personal Growth
Osho International
210 East 68 Street
New York, NY 10021
Fax: 212-879-8680
Web site:
Also contact: Karuna Kress, Ed.D., Director, Center for Consciousness
P.O. Box 186
Easthampton, MA 01027
413-527-2697 or e-mail NEITC@earthlink for Osho-related workshops
Extensive organization dedicated to the teachings of the “spiritually incorrect mystic”
Osho, which includes a meditation resort, books, tapes, a magazine, and teachers all
over the world who offer classes.


Appendix B
Harbin Hot Springs
P.O. Box 782
Middletown, CA 95461
Web sites: or
Retreat center north of San Francisco known for its hot spring pools, that hosts conferences and workshops of various healing topics, led by noted experts in various
healing arts fields. Clothing-optional vacation spot also offers evening events such as
dances and prayer circles.
Omega Institute
150 Lake Drive
Rhinebeck, NY 12572
Web site:
A healing center headquartered in upstate New York that it also organizes journeys to
other parts of the country and abroad. Holds over 250 workshops throughout the
year related to health and wellness conducted by noted experts, and sponsors wellness vacations and a wide variety of healing services.
New Life Expo
218 West 72nd Street
New York, NY 10024
Hosts occasional weekend-long health fairs where a wide variety of health providers
exhibit their services and experts lead panels and classes.
The Prophets Conference
Travel programs and weekend conferences with renowned experts and avant thinkers
in a wide spectrum of worldviews, from philosophy to spirituality.
Body Electric
6527A Telegraph Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609-1113
Web site:
Offers workshops and retreats in healing arts that celebrate the erotic body.


Workshops, Web Sites, Teachers, and Tantra Communities

Retreats and Gatherings
Paradise at Harmony
Juliana Dahl (Shakti Joy), Ph.D., M.A., C.S.S.E,
7647 Lefthand Canyon Drive
Jamestown, CO 80455
1-888-416-3522 or 303-413-9073
Fax: 303-413-9072
Web site:
Colorado mountain retreat center with indoor pool/spa and river grounds for relaxation and vacation pleasure. Also offers healing work on sacred sexuality for individuals and couples.
Goddess Gatherings
Founder and Priestess: Marylyn Motherbear Scott
Annual weekend of workshops to empower women to develop self-awareness and
self-esteem, and to connect with their feminine spirit and power. Held in a retreat
camp in California.
Living Ecstasy Institute, American Tantra
Paul Ramana Das and Marilena Silbey
Fax: 415-499-9163
Web site:
Offers playshops, monthly parties, and musical events. Also produced a video,
Intimate Secrets of Sex and Spirit, on pleasuring techniques, specializing in using sound,
consistent with Ramana Das’ musical talent. Solo concert pianist has CDs for lovemaking.

Related Courses (Not Necessarily Tantra)
Human Awareness Institute (HAI)
Web site:
Workshops on all aspects of sexuality and intimate relationships, including topics as
“Love, Sex, and Intimacy.”


Appendix B
Woman Within, Inc.
Web site:
Offers many workshops and support groups for women’s empowerment and healing.
Mankind Project
Web site:
Offers “The New Warrior” training for men, originally called “The Wildman
Weekend,” for initiation processes and empowerment for men.
Dennis Mead-Shikaly
Fax: 541-488-2730
Web site:
Workshops by two male facilitators on “Healing Relationships with Father: Leaving
My Father’s House,” to help women face and transform unresolved issues related to
their father, which impede their relationships with men. Uses meditations, music,
visualization, guided imagery, journaling, group discussion, and individual process

Web Sites
Founder: Suzie Heumann
A pioneer Web site that extensively covers the products and services in the tantra
community, including a wide range of videos, books, audiotapes, and CDs. Also produced a video, The Ancient Secrets of Sexual Ecstasy, featuring many tantra experts and
techniques. A good source to get an idea of the breadth of products in the field of
A site that offers information about a wide range of sexuality issues from sexual
harassment to bondage, as a clearinghouse for information on the field in general.


Appendix C

Tantric Tools

Here are some books that I recommend on tantra and related topics.

Tantric Sex
Jewel in the Lotus and Living in Bliss by Bodhi Avinasha (Sunstar Publishing, 1994, and
Tantrika International, 2002).
The Art of Conscious Loving by Charles and Caroline Muir (Mercury House, 1990).
The Encyclopedia of Sacred Sexuality: From Aphrodisiacs and Ecstasy to Yoni Worship and
Zap-lam Yoga by Rufus Camphausen (Inner Traditions, 1999).
Spiritual Sex: Secrets of Tantra from the Ice Age to the New Millennium by Nik Douglas
(Pocket Books, 1997).
Sexual Energy Ecstasy: A Practical Guide to Lovemaking by David and Ellen Ramsdale
(Bantam Doubleday Dell Publications, 1993).
The Essential Tantra: A Modern Guide to Sacred Sexuality by Kenneth Ray Stubbs
(JP Tarcher, 1989).
The Tao of Love and Sex: The Ancient Chinese Way to Ecstasy by Jolan Chang (Viking
Press, 1993).
The Art of Sexual Magic: Cultivating Sexual Energy to Transform Your Life by Margot
Anand (Putnam Publishing Group, 1996).
The Yin Yang Butterfly by Valentin Chu (Putnam, 1993).

Appendix C
Ecstasy Through Tantra by John Mumford (Llewellyn Publications, 1988).
Healing Love Through The Tao: Cultivating Female Sex Energy and Taoist Secrets of Love,
and Cultivating Male Sexual Energy by Mantak Chia (Healing Tao Books, 1991 and
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to the Kama Sutra by Johanina Wikoff and Deborah Romaine
(Alpha Books, 2000).

Related Books on Tantra and Healing
Introduction to Tantra: A Vision of Totality by Lama Yeshe (Wisdom Publications,1987).
Tools for Tantra by Harish Johari (Density Books, 1986).
Secrets of Western Tantra: The Sexuality of the Middle Path by Christopher S. Hyatte,
Ph.D. (New Falcon Publications, 1989).
The Tao and The Tree of Life: Alchemical and Sexual Mysteries of the East and West by
Eric Steven Yudelov (Llewellyn Publications, 1996).
The Tantra Experience: Discourse on the Royal Song of Saraha and Tantric Transformation:
Further Discourses on the Royal Song of Saraha by Osho (Rebel Publishing House Pvt.
Ltd., 1978).
Tamang Shamans by Larry Peters (Nivala, 1998).

Generation Sex by Dr. Judy Kuriansky (Harper, 1996).
The Clitoral Truth: The Secret World at Your Fingertips by Rebecca Chalker (Seven Stories
Press, 2000).
Sex for One by Betty Dodsen (Harmony Books, 1987).
Forbidden Art: The World of Erotica and Visions of Erotica by Miss Naomi (Schiffer
Books, 1998, 2000).
The Art of Arousal by Dr. Ruth Westheimer (Artabras, 1997).

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to a Healthy Relationship by Dr. Judy Kuriansky (Alpha, 2001).
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dating by Dr. Judy Kuriansky (Alpha, 1999).
The New Physics of Love: The Power of Mind and Spirit in Relationships (audiocassette
program) by Henry Grayson (Sounds True Inc., 2000).


Tantric Tools
Getting Together and Staying Together: Solving the Mystery of Marriage by William Glasser,
M.D. and Carleen Glasser (HarperCollins Inc., 2000).
The Unimaginable Life by Kenny and Julia Loggins (Morrow, William and Co., 1998).

Here are some CDs that are excellent for meditation, massage, and lovemaking—
personal favorites that are regularly in my CD changer.
Sex ‘n’ Violets and Songs of the Earthschild
Jaiia Earthschild
Web site:
Beautiful songs about learning how to love oneself, be honored by a beloved, and
care for the planet.
Music to Disappear In II, The Tantric Wave, The Calling
Raphael and Kutira
Kahua Hawaiian Institute, LLC
1-877-524-8250 or 808-572-6006
Web site:
Ritualistic music and pulsating chants that puts you in spiritual love mood, or relaxed
or undulatory oceanic trance states. Instrumental or voice tracks guide you to an ecstatic experience.
Trance, Bones, Endless Wave
Gabrielle Roth
The Moving Center and Raven Recording
1-800-76 RAVEN or 212-760-1381
Web site:
An extensive library of selections of trance dance and urban primitive music for dancing and inspiring the soul, moving spirit, and activating ecstasy. Universal rhythms
free the body and the mind also used in Roth’s popular workshops.
Journey into Love, Return, and Hidden Waters/Sacred Ground
Ivory Moon Recordings
Profound yet simple songs that lead to deep Tantric embrace.
Spirit of Love
Awakening Heart Productions
Collection of inspiring songs that touch our heart.


Appendix C
Sounds True
Web site:
Music to put you in the mood for love.
Opening to Love
Robert Frey
Web site:
Chants that inspire loving feelings.
Ecstatica 1 A Sound Track for Lovers, Love’s Healing Touch, River of Romance
Paul Ramana Das
U-Music, Inc.
Primal, playful, passionate, or percussive sound track for love experience that goes
through seven different sensual soundscapes to a blissful completion.
Bruch Violin Concert No. 1 and Brahms Violin Concerto Op. 77
By Hideko Udagawa
London Symphony Orchestra
CHANDORS Records Ltd.
Web site:
Classical music facilitating romance.
The Essence
Deva Premal
White Swan Music
Web site:
A definitive chant album.
A Gift of Love: Deepak and Friends with the Love Poems of Rumi
raSa Music
Web site:
Recitations set to music to create the spirit of ecstatic love.
Inner Journey
Interstate Industries, Inc.
Web site:
Ethereal sounds and a special method of synchronizing brain spheres to relax and
give free reign to the imagination.


Tantric Tools
Spiritual Environment Tantra
Meistersinger Music USA Inc. Nightingale Records
Fax: 520-722-8293
Web site:
The first half is more energizing and sexually stimulating. The second half stimulates
the feminine and meditative side of sexual energy.
Songs to Shiva
Vyaas Houston and Mark Kelso
The American Sanskrit Institute
Collection of ancient Sanskrit songs to Shiva, the great god.
ORFF—Carmina Burana
Saint Louis Symphony Orchestra and Chorus
BMG Music
Web site:
Classic operatic piece evoking dynamic moods.
Graceful Passages: A Companion for Living and Dying
Michael Stillwater
Web site:
Healing music with contemporary chant and intuitive singing, to evoke the preciousness of life.
Enhancing Sensual Pleasure and many other selections
Steven Halpern
Sound Wave Rx/ESP Productions
Web site:
Stimulates passion with subliminal affirmations.
Chakra Chants
Jonathan Goldman Etherean Music
Web site:
Resonates and aligns energy centers of the body with sounds designed to balance the
physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual bodies.


Appendix C
Spirit in Sound Chant the Best of World Chant
Robert Gass
Spring Hill Music
Traditional and contemporary chant from the world’s greatest chant artists.
Companion to Gass’s book, Chanting: Discovering Spirit in Sound (Broadway Books).
Tantric Sexuality
The Mind Body and Soul series
New World Music Inc.
Facilitates and enhances tantric practice, especially ecstatic breathing.

Many of these videos are geared toward tantric sex; others are geared toward sexuality
in general.
Kama Sutra, Tantra and Tao, Hot Sex in Erotic Art, The Ecstasy of Exotic Sex, The Amazing
G Spot and Female Ejaculation, and many others
Access Instructional Media (AIM)
16161 Ventura Blvd., Suite PMB 328
Encino, CA 91436
Web site:
A wide variety of expertly produced videos, some specifically geared toward tantric
sex practices, with detailed instructions and demonstrations that are excellent how-to
guides. By sexologist Michael Perry.
Secrets of Female Sexual Ecstasy
Charles and Caroline Muir
Source School of Tantra
P.O. Box 69
Paia, HI 96779
Fax: 808-572-8622
Web site:
Depicts sexual loving with exquisite art and original music, showing secrets of erotic
kissing and touch, facts about male ejaculatory control, female sacred spot (G spot)
massage, and female ejaculation.
Intimate Secrets of Sex and Spirit
By Marilina and Paul Silbey
Sexually explicit and entertaining video shows a variety of ways to enhance experiencing your body as a vibrant temple of divine energy.


Tantric Tools
Kama Sutra, The Art of Making Love and Kama Sutra II
A Vision
75 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY 10019
Beautifully shot videos with explicit demonstrations of positions and ancient love arts
by modern-day couples.
Sluts and Goddesses: Video Workshop: How to Be a Sex Goddess in 101 Easy Steps
By Annie Sprinkle
Beatty/Sprinkle, 1992
Gates of Heck
Web site:
A workshop for women on tape, showing tantric and Taoist principles along with
very advanced activities such as group masturbation, shaving, and gender play.
Video Portrait of a Woman’s Sexuality Seminar and Viva La Vulva
Betty Dodson Productions
P.O. Box 1933
Murray Hill
New York, NY 10156
Web site:
Sexuality pioneer shows women how to reclaim their erotic bodies and eliminate
body shame. Teaches self-loving in a group seminar, combined with breathwork and
heightened awareness of body sensations to increase pleasure.
Better Sex video series
The Sinclair Institute
P.O. Box 8865
Chapel Hill, NC 27515
Web site: or
An extensive library of videos on sexual topics, from fantasy and aids to advanced
lovemaking techniques.
The Secrets of Sacred Sex
Healing Arts
1-800-2 LIVING
Video that shows tantric lovemaking with commentary by experts.


Appendix C
Sensual Escape, Urban Heat, and other titles
Femme Productions
302 Meadowland Drive
Hillsborough, NC 27278
1-800-456-LOVE (orders, catalogs); 1-888-416-6130 (wholesale orders)
Web site:
A library of erotic videos from a woman’s perspective that has erotic as well as romantic themes.
Caballero videos
Especially selections of Andrew Blake.

Catalogs and Gifts
Most tantra sites and teachers also offer various items for sale, so check Appendix B,
“Workshops, Web Sites, Teachers, and Tantra Communities.” Here are some examples
of special sites for items related to tantra.
Eve’s Garden
119 West 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
Web site:
An extensive catalog of videos, books, oils, vibrators, clothing, and other aids, all
meant to empower women and celebrate female sexuality; the boutique in New York
offers a discreet place for men and women to shop.
Taylor Soma Lamborne
Nectar Products: Sensual Tools for Tantra
4950 Coronado Avenue, Suite I
San Diego, CA 92107
Web site:
Boutique of tantric aids and gifts.
Web site:
Probably the most extensive clearinghouse and selection of all items relevant to
tantra and tantric practice.


Tantric Tools
House O’Chicks
2215 R Market Street
San Francisco, CA 94144
Fax: (415) 626-5049
Web site:
Vulva puppets of silk, velvet and gems, made to order ($200)

Tantra Goddess/God Wear
Silk Angel Productions
Special-order handpainted silk sarongs ($90–$150) with designs featuring mermaids
inside a unicorn, lavender hibiscus flowers, or ocean scene with dolphins; silk chiffon
jackets; velvet dresses.

Sacred and Erotic Art
Hrana Janto
10 Waterside Lane
New Paltz, NY 12561
Web site:
Illustrations, graphics, paintings; posters of sacred art and myth; folk and fairy tales in
historical, cultural, or fantasy style; goddesses; historical scenes; lovers. Also, goddess
oracle card set.
Paul Heussenstamm
Web site:
Custom paintings of mandalas, commissioned art of male and female unions surrounded by geometric figures and nature forms with ruby and crystal stones. Also
runs workshops in California and around the world on “Discovering Your Soul
Mandala” to connect with your “inner artist” and explore the soul.
108 Sheldon Road
Pine Bush, NY 12566-5518
Fax: 845-744-4852
Illustrations, paintings, sculptures on many subjects including eroticism. Developing
“Woodrock Sanctuary” art park, a healing center and wildlife sanctuary.


Appendix C
Al Hughes
New York-based illustrator specializing in fashion, children’s books, and celebrity


Abuse, healing cycles,
activation, 27
adornments, 199
advanced aids, 212-213
advanced practice,
advanced aids,
advanced tuning in, 210
advanced visualization,
base chakra pleasuring,
deity yoga, 210-211
mudras, 209
passion positions and
acts, 206-209
snake dance, 203-204
white tantra twosomes,
aerobics, 68
AFE (anterior fornix erogenous) zone, 169
handling, 276-279
reasons for, 277
affirmations, 125
sex, 188-189
afterplay, 104
changes, facing,
empty nest syndrome,
dealing with, 288
menopause, dealing with,

mid-life crises, dealing
with, 286-287
youthfulness, maintaining, 283-292
Aghora, 51
agreements, honoring, 274
aids (sex), 212-213
air yoga, 74-75
Al’Lat, 50
alchemical marriages, 298
alcohol, avoiding,
alignment and aloinment,
allowing pleasure, 11
alphabet orgasms,
altars, building, 90
alternate nostril breathing,
Amazing G Spot and Female
Ejaculation, The, 235
considerations, 87
sex, preparing, 88-90
American Pie 2, 238
amrita flow, 284
amrita, 188
Anand, Margot, 236
Ancient Secrets of Sexual
Ecstasy for Modern Lovers,
androgyny, 23
anger, diffusing, 110-111
animals, tantric,
anterior fornix erogenous
(AFE) zone, 169
orgasms, 170

appearance, considerations,
82, 84
“Arm and Hammer First
Impression Study,” 84
aromatherapy, 101
aromatic room oils, 88
Art of Sexual Magic, The, 197
artificial highs, avoiding,
attachment, overcoming,
dressing up, 86-87
gods and goddesses, 199
tantric clothes, 86
Avinasha, Bodhi, 37, 203
Awakening Heart, Spirit of
Love, 230

Bairab (Shiva), 46
balancing male/female energies, 111-115
bandhas, 67
base chakra pleasuring,
bathrooms, lighting, softening, 84
bathing him, 136
music, 84
rituals, 84-86
sharing, 84
taking, 84
traditions, 85
water jets, 86

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Tantric Sex
battles, relationship controls, 115
beards, shaving your partner’s, 84
bedroom bodybuilding,
mattresses, 89
preparing, 89
sexual associations, 89
sheets, 89
belly dancing, 192
belly hold (bandhas), 67
beloved partners, 24
Benzai Tennyo, 49
Berkowitz, Bob, 239
bindis, 199
bliss, 95-96
Bliss, 6, 238
bliss breathing, 35
blocks (mind), clearing, 117
abusing, 62
advanced exploration,
affirmations, 62
appreciating yours, 295
homeplay, 62-65
left side, yin representation, 22
loving, 62-65
right side, yang representation, 22
taking care of, 27
body dust (Kama Sutra), 200
books, resources, 199
Bourke, Brian, 246
Brahma (Hindu God), 46
breathing, 29
bliss breathing, 35
chakras, 33-37
circulating breathing, 35
clear channels, 37
cobras, 36
complete breathing, 34
ecstatic breathing, 35


energy, synchronizing, 96
exercises, 34-36
fire breathing, 34
heart rate, increasing, 75
incorrectly, 30-31
lama breathing, 78-79
nostril breathing, 113
partner pelvic passion
breathing, 36
practicing, 30
reciprocal breathing, 34
synchronizing, 34
transmutation breathing,
yawning, 30
Britton, Patti, 235
Buddhism, 308
building altars, 90
Buller, Carlton J., 221
Burning Man festival
(Nevada), 56

Cadell, Ava, 164
calling on women,
calming energy, 74
cancer patients, tantra
classes, 338
candles, using for ambiance,
Carter, Steve and Lokita, 104
cat pose, yoga, 66
ceremonies (tantric marriage)
feasts, 259
guest participation, 260
marriage, 258-259
music, 259
special ceremonies,
chakras, 31-33
base chakra pleasuring,

breathing, 33-37
chakra thumps, performing, 76
energy centers, 37
evaluation chart, 32
examining, 62
sounding, tantric music,
Chalker, Rebecca, 129
chants, 233
male/female enegy balancing, 114
Om Mane Padme Hum,
Chao Mae Tuptim, 50
cheating. See affairs, 277
endorphins, 6, 172
oxytocin, 6, 172
phenylethlyamanime, 7
Chia, Mantak, 8, 209
Chopra, Deepak, 325
circling couple celebration,
circulating breathing, 35
clear channels, breathing,
clearing orgasms,
Clitoral Truth, The, 129
clitorises (pearls), 26, 64
dressing up, 86-87
gods and goddesses, 199
tantric clothes, 86
cobra poses
breathing, 36
yoga, 66
coccyx bone (chakra energy
center), 37
Cocoon, 163
college students, tantra
workshops, 288
male/female, 115
tantra, 65-66

commitment, tantric sex,
communication, practicing,
complete breathing, 34
Complete Idiot’s Guide to a
Healthy Relationship, The,
Complete Idiot’s Guide to
Dating, The, 112
connecting, 245
conscious flirting, 245
Conscious Loving workshop, 125
control, relationships, battles over, 115
Conversations with the
Goddess: Revealing the
Divine Power Within You, 50
corkscrew technique (massage), 140
cosmorgasms, 162
costs, workshops, 315
counterparts, gods/
goddesses, 53-54
couple cobras pose, 178
couple connect pose, 174
couple cuddle pose, 179
Cranes with Necks
Intertwined, 23
criticisms, Western revitalization, 10
crystal onyx massage eggs
(sex toy), 197
crystal wands (sex toy), 198
Cybele, 51
cybertantra, 293-295

Dahl, Juliana, 341
belly dancing, 192
ecstatic dance, 192
hand dance, 191

performing, 76
snake dancing,
Sufish, 79
temple dance, 193
dancing, 173
importance of,
mirrors, 190-191
dangling duos pose, 176-177
Das, Paul Ramana, 341
dates, tantra dates, going
out on, 93
deaths, partners, dealing
with, 288
dedications, tantric marriage
ceremonies, 259
deities. See gods and goddesses
deity yoga, 210-211
delaying ejaculations,
partner help, 155-156
sexual kung fu,
technique comparisons,
techniques, 151-152
transmutation breathing,
expressing, 26
sex, increasing, 75
desperation, overcoming,
dimmers (lighting), 88
disabled people
tantra realtionships,
tantra Web site for, 338
diversity, promoting,
Double Love Blasts, 127
Douglas, Nik, 236
dragon goddess, enflaming,

dressing up, 86-87
drugs, avoiding, 323-324
Duphiney, Rundy, 179
Durga, 48
Dynamic Meditation, 37

ears, stimulating, 101
earth to sky salutes, 204
Earthschild, Jaiia, 236
Sex ‘n’ Violets, 231
eating healthy, 70
Ecstasy of Exotic Sex: The Joys
of Total Sexual Ecstasy, The,
ecstatic breathing, 35
ecstatic dance, 192
Egypt, gods, 53
Ehmka, Greg, 102
delaying, 146-147
partner help,
sexual kung fu,
techniques, 151-154
transmutation breathing, 154-155
fast, reasons for,
injaculation, 152
male sexual response
cycles, 151
mechanics of, 150
orgasms, compared, 150
See also specific emotions
overcoming, 117
releases, 108-109
empathy, 115
empty nest syndrome, dealing with, 288
Empusae, 50


The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Tantric Sex
endorphins, 6, 172
energetics, 31
chakras, 31-33
energy centers, 37
connecting, energy centers, 166-167
drawing, massage, 138
energy booster checklist,
entrances, 24
External Relationship
Energy, 277
Extra Relationship
Energy, 277
gods/goddesses, drawing
from, 55
increasing, 75
chakra thumps, 76
dancing, 76
fantasizing, 78
freeing your mind, 78
lama breathing,
pelvic thrusts, 77
sacrum taps, 75-76
shakti shakes, 78
streaming, 76
levels, rating, 74
love energy, sending, 322
male/female, balancing,
NRE (New Relationship
Energy), 277
relaxing, 74
sexual, 24
synchronizing, 96-99
tragedies, sending,
energy booster checklist,
energy pathways, 7
Epstein, Donald, 70
Erzuli, 50
excitement stage (male sexual response cycle), 151


bedroom bodybuilding,
breathing, 34-36
dancing, 173
belly dancing, 192
ecstatic dance, 192
hand dance, 191
snake dancing,
temple dance, 193
love muscle exercises, 172
partners, 179-181
partner pelvic thrusts,
pass up the pass exercise,
pubococcygeal muscles,
steel ball exercise, 245
workouts, 68
videos, 237
yogaboxing, 181-183
exploration, bodies,
advanced exploration,
External Relationship
Energy, 277
Extra Relationship Energy,
eye gazing, energy, synchronizing, 97-98
eyes, stimulating, 100

faces, stimulating, 100
channeling, 12
performing, 78
fears, facing, 123
feasts, tantric marriage ceremonies, 259
female/male energies, balancing, 111-115

calling on, 123-124
homosexual relationships, 298
juicyness, 188
pleasing, 121-131
sexual healing,
yin representation, 20-22
fertility festivals, Japan,
festivals, gods/goddesses,
figurines (gods and goddesses), 199
Fineberg, Steven, 289
fingernails, keeping clean,
fire breathing, 34
Fisher, Lexi, 69
flirting, conscious flirting,
Florian, William, 192
healthy, 70
tantric marriage ceremonies, 259
Forbidden Art, 199
Free Like a Dolphin, 289
freeing your mind, 78
Frey, Robert, 104, 109
Opening to Love, 231
friend participation, tantric
marriage ceremonies, 260
full stop technique, 208

G spots, 169
Gaia, 50
games (sex), 194-195
Gate feasts, 193
gatherings, 316
gods/goddesses, 55-57
gays, tantra classes,

describing, 63-65
examining, 62
terminology, 25-26
geriatrics, tantric sex,
gifts (sex), 199-200
finding, 200
global community (tantra),
god areas, pleasing, 141
goddess bags, preparing, 135
goddess space, pleasuring,
goddesses, 46-53
Al’Lat, 50
attire, 199
Benzai Tennyo, 49
Cybele, 51
dragon goddesses,
enflaming, 207-208
Durga, 48
Empusae, 50
Energy, drawing from, 55
Erzuli, 50
festivals and gatherings,
figurines and statues, 199
Gaia, 50
gods, counterparts, 53-54
Greece, 50
Hindu, 48
Kali, 49
Lakshmi, 48
Maeve, 50
Mboze, 50
middle east, 50
modern-day figures, 53
Mother Maui, 50
near east, 51
Odude, 50
Pele, 50
Qadesh, 50
Riannon, 50
Ruth, 50
Saraswati, 49

Shekinah, 50
Tap-tun, 50
Tara, 48
within, 54
gods, 46-53
Aghora, 51
attire, 199
Egypt, 53
energy, drawing from, 55
festivals and gatherings,
figurines and statues, 199
goddesses, counterparts,
Greece, 51
Hindu, 51
Japan, 53
manifestations, 46
modern-day figures, 53
Musuri-Kami, 53
Osiris, 53
Ra, 53
Shiva, 51
within, 54
Zeus, 52
past life connections, 213
roles, integrating,
granting permission, sex, 26
grasping, pleasurable, 11
Greece gods/goddesses,
Greenberg, Diane, 324
growth, sharing in, 275
guest participation, tantric
marriage ceremonies, 260
finding, 305-309
importance of,
Osha, 310
trainings, 310-311
Gutenberg, Steve, 163

hair, washing, 84
hand dancing, 191
Handlers, Laurie, 193
hands, stimulating, 101
harmonic convergence, 325
head lifts, yoga, 66
heady trip technique (massage), 140
healers, 311-312
healing, 6
abuse, 322-323
illnesses, 324
parents, 300
healing. See sexual healing
heart rate, increasing,
breathing, 75
hearts, holding, 98-99
hermaphrodites, 23
Heussenstamm, Paul, 40
higher selves, 10
Hill, John, 325
Hindu gods/goddesses, 48,
51, 308
Hindu fire ceremonies, 267
holding hearts, 98-99
homeplay, 62-65
homosexuals, tantra workshops, 297-298
hooking up, 245
Hot Sex in Erotic Art, 199,
How To Love A Nice Guy, 246
hygiene, considerations, 82

illnesses, healing, 324
in-between spots, 152
incense, 88
infidelity, fantasies, channeling, 12


The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Tantric Sex
inhibitions, relaxation of, 15
Initiate Secrets of Sex and
Spirit: How to Worship Each
Other in Bed, 236
injaculation, 152
inner flutes, 33
inner guidance, 102
inner smile, 38
lovemaking, 92
setting, 122
cybertantra, 293-295
global community, 320
resources, 238-239
Ishtar, 47

Jacobson, Kirby, 203, 308
Jagger, Chris, 239
fertility festivals,
gods, 53
Javril, Tantrika, 190
Jewel in the Lotus, 37
jewelry, 199
Johnson, Patricia
(Veenanand), 98
Journey Into Love, 230
Joys of Everyday Rituals, The,
juicyness, women, 188

Kabazzah, 208
Kali, 49
Kama Sutra, 25
Kama Sutra body dust, 200
Kama Sutra II: The Art of
Making Love, 236
Kama Sutra series, videos,


kareeza, 154
Kivin method, 208
kunda gland (chakra energy
center), 37
kundalini energy, 37
snake dancing, 204
kundalini glands, 64

genitals, 25-26
partners, 24
ladder technique (ejaculation control), 152
Lakshmi, 48
lama breathing, performing,
Lamborne, Taylor, 197
laughter, importance of, 189
left side (body), yin representation, 22
lesbians, tantra relationships, 298
energy, rating, 74
sex drives, excelling, 165
bathrooms, softer, 84
candles, 88
dimmers, 88
limbic system, 38
lingam (penis), 26
lingam love strokes, 138
lingam mudras technique
(massage), 140
lion’s play exercise, 110
Living in Bliss, 333
love, sex, importance of,
love arrow show exercise,
love muscle exercises, 63,
love rituals, honoring, 90-92

love toys, 89
lovers table pose, 178
Loving More magazine, 277
lubricants, 198

Maeve, 50
magic (sex), 196-197
maithuna love ritual, 203
male sexual response cycles,
stages, 151
male/female energies, balancing, 111-115
females, pleasing,
gays, 297-298
pleasing, nights of pleasure, 134-144
sexual healing, 219
yang representation,
mandalas, 40, 199
manifestations, gods, 46
mantra designs, 199
mantras, 39
marriage ceremonies
(tantric), 258-259
feasts, 259
guest participation, 260
music, 259
special ceremonies,
massage, 140
corkscrew technique, 140
heady trip technique, 140
lingam mudras technique, 140
natural rabbit fur massage
mitts, 198
palming the crown technique, 140
sexual energy, drawing,

massage mitts, 198
masturbation, 65
mattresses, beds, 89
Mboze, 50
meditation, research, benefits of, 7
medulla oblongata, 37
mega-orgasms, 162-163
menopause, dealing with,
Michaels, Mark
(Umeshanand), 98
micro movements, 202
mid-life crises, dealing with,
blocks, clearing, 117
freeing, 78
mindfulness, 5-6
mirrors, dancing,
misconceptions, tantra, 5,
modern-day gods/goddesses,
Money, Sex, Power and You:
Transforming Your Ego, 102
morning blessings, 109
Mother Maui, 50
mouths, stimulating, 100
movies, 238-239
mudras, 209
Muir, Charles, 109
Muktananda, 8
multiple orgasms, 163
baths, 84
choosing, 230
lovemaking, 89
resources, 346-349
tantric marriage ceremonies, 259
tantric music
appreciating, 232
chakra evocation,

chants, 233
choosing, 229-231
recommendations, 230
themes, 231-232
Music to Disappear In, 231
Musuri-Kami, 53
myths, tantra, 11-12

names, women, changing,
natural rabbit fur massage
mitts, 198
nesting, 161
network spinal analysis
(NSA), 69
Nevada, Burning Man
festival, 56
New Relationship Energy
(NRE), 277
nights of pleasure
night 1, 134-144
night 2, 139-143
night 3, 143-144
nine levels of orgasms, 163
noses, stimulating, 100
nostril breathing,
male/female energies, balancing, 113
NRE (New Relationship
Energy), 277
NSA (network spinal analysis), 69

obsessions, purging, 116
Odude, 50
Om Mane Padme Hum, 39
ooo-ahhh exercise, 167
ooo-ehhh exercise, 167
ooo-uhhh exercise, 168
Opening to Love, 231

balancing, 22-23
relationships, 295-296
orgasm stage (male sexual
response cycle), 151
ejaculations, compared,
nine levels of, 163
types, 160-164
alphabet orgasms,
anywhere-in-yourbody orgasms, 170
clearing orgasms,
cosmorgasms, 162
multiple orgasms, 163
simultaneous orgasms,
stock market orgasms,
tantric orgasms,
TTOs, 164
valley orgasms, 164
Osho, 9, 37, 78, 310
Osho International, 78
Osiris, 53
overdependence, overcoming, 115-116
oxytocin, 6, 172

pacing windows, 246
painting toenails, 84
paintings, 199
palming the crown technique (massage), 140
panic, purging, 116
parents, healing relationships, 300


The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Tantric Sex
pareos, 86
partner passion pods, 99
partner pelvic passion
breathing, 36
partner pelvic thrusts,
partner pelvic supports,
Partner Sexual Review, 113
asking for help, 80
attracting, 249-253
beloved, 24
breaking up with,
death of, dealing with,
exercising with,
making time for,
meeting, 245-253
persuading, 272-274
relaxing, 125-127
worshipping, 46
pass up the pass exercise,
passion pods, 99
pearls (clitoris), 26
Pearls of Delight, 212
Pele, 50
pelvic thrusts, 77,
pelvis hold (bandhas), 67
penises, terms, 26
permission, sex, granting, 26
Perry, Michael, 235
pets, tantra for, 300-301
PFZ (posterior fornix zone),
phenylethlyamanime, 7
pituitary glands, 37
plants, tantra, 301
plateau stage (male sexual
response cycle), 151


playing, sex, 188
dancing, 189-191
games, 194-195
importance of, 188
laughter, 189
sensuous eating,
sex gifts, 199-200
sex magic, 196-197
toys, 197-199
playshops, 316
pleasure, allowing, 11
pleasure promise coupons,
pledges, tantric sex,
advanced aids,
advanced passion positions and acts, 206-209
advanced tuning in, 210
advanced visualization,
base chakra pleasuring,
deity yoga, 210-211
mudras, 209
polarities, balancing,
polymorous relationships,
pompoir, 198
poses, yoga
advanced aids,
advanced passion positions and acts, 206-209
advanced tuning in, 210
advanced visualization,
advanced white tantra
twosome, 204-206
base chakra pleasuring,

circling couple celebrations, 175
couple cobras, 178
couple connect, 174
couple cuddle, 179
dangling duos,
deity yoga, 210-211
lovers table, 178
mudras, 209
partner pelvis supports,
squat to stand support,
partner passion pods, 99
spoons position, 129
yab yum, 23-24
yoga, 66-67
posterior fornix zone (PFZ),
advanced practice,
advanced aids,
advanced tuning in,
advanced visualization,
base chakra pleasuring,
deity yoga, 210-211
mudras, 209
passion positions and
acts, 206-209
snake dance,
white tantra twosomes,
maithuna love ritual, 203
rituals, 202
sharing, 203
snake dancing,

practices (teaching), starting
your own,
practicing communication,
practitioners, 311-312
prana, 100
pubococcygeal muscles,
strengthening, 68

Qadesh, 50
Qigong, 68
quickies (sex), 146-149

Ra, 53
rabbit fur massage mitts,
radio shows, tantric related,
Raphael and Kutrina, Music
to Disappear In, 231
rating energy levels, 74
readiness, tantric sex, 15-16
Real Sex, 238
relationships, energy booster
checklist, 279
rebirthing, 116
reciprocal breathing, 34
red, 65
affairs, handling,
agreements, honoring,
control, battles over, 115
cybertantra, 293-295
ending, 275-276
homosexuals, 297-298
maintaining, 274
obstacles, overcoming,

opposites, 295-296
parents, 300
pets, 300-301
plants, 301
sexual relationships,
tantric relationships, persuasion, 272-274
tolerance, 276
relaxing energy, 74
relaxing into ecstasy, 202
relaxing partners,
religions, 308
research, meditation, benefits of, 7
resistance, dissuading,
resolution phase, 129
resolution stage (male sexual
response cycle), 151
revitalization, tantric sex,
Riannon, 50
right side (body), yang representation, 22
love rituals, honoring,
maithuna love ritual, 203
practicing, 202
tantric marriage ceremonies, 258-267
River of Romance, 231
Roles, god/goddess, role
integration, 44-45
romance, preparing for, 124
Roth, Gabrielle, 37
Waves, 231
Ruth, 50
Ryan, Meg, 163


sacred sectors, 299
sacred sex, 10
sacred space (feminine
divine energy), 26
sacred-erotic bellydances,
sacrum (chakra energy center), 37, 75-76
sacrums, 64
Sanskrit names, changing
to, 49
Sanskrit: Tantra, 4
Saraswati, Sunyata, 37, 49
Schubach, Gary, 131
sealing the penis (ejaculation control),
Secrets of Female Sexual
Ecstasy, The, 236
semen retention (Taoism),
sensate focus, 154
sexual, awareness of, 102
stimulating, 99-101
sensuous eating,
separation anxiety, overcoming, 111
changing, 89
considerations, 87
sex, preparing, 88-90
affirmations, 188-189
afterplay, 104
appearance, considerations, 82-84
desire, increasing, 75
energy, 24
fears, facing, 123
intentions, 92
love, importance of, 160
making time for, 82
permission, granting, 26

Sachidananda, 8
sacraments, 89


The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Tantric Sex
playing, 188
dancing, 189-191
games, 194-195
importance of, 188
laughter, 189
sensuous eating,
sex gifts, 199-200
sex magic, 196-197
toys, 197-199
preparing for, 124
quickies, 146-149
sensations, awareness of,
settings, preparing, 88-90
taking turns, 122
youthfulness, maintaining, 283-292
Sex ‘n’ Violets, 231
sex drives
levels, excelling, 165
transmuting, 165
Sex in the City, 238
sex therapy, tantric sex,
compared, 153-154
sex toys, 89
sexual energy, connecting,
energy centers, 166-167
sexual healing, 216-222
abuse healing,
conclusions, 224-225
effectiveness, 226
men, 219
rules, 223-224
women, 217-219
sexual kung fu (ejaculation
control), 152-153
sexual relationships,
control, battle over, 115
Partner Sexual Review,
shakti shakes, performing,
sharing, practicing, 203


shaving beards, 84
sheets, bedding, 89
Shekinah, 50
Shiva (Hindu God), 46, 51
Shiva Shakti mudra exercise,
shower rituals, 84-86
Silbey, Paul Ramana Das
Silbey, River of Romance,
simultaneous orgasms, 163
attracting someone,
loving yourself,
meeting someone,
sitiphilia, 194
Sluts and Goddesses, 236
snake dancing, 203-204
Sophia, Journey Into Love,
soul mates, finding,
special ceremonies, tantric
marriage ceremonies,
spines, examining, 69
Spirit of Love, Awakening
Heart, 230
spiritual emergencies, 204
spontaneity, passionate
embraces, 82
spoons position, 129
Sprinkle, Annie, 236
squat to stand support,
squeeze technique (ejaculation control), 151
stages, male sexual response
cycle, 151
Stamp, Terence, 238
Stassinopolous, Agapi, 50
state of bliss, 95-96

statues (gods and goddesses), 199
steel ball exercise, 245
Stillwater, Michael, 234
stimulating senses,
stock market orgasms, 164
Stolen Innocence: The
Autobiography of a Lost Soul,
stop-start technique (ejaculation control), 151
streaming, performing, 76
stuffing, 154
Sufish, 79
superficiality, seeing
beyond, 45
sweat ritual, 260
symbols, male/female, 114
breathing, 34
energy, 96-99

T’ai Chi, 68
tantra, 4
colors, 65-66
misconceptions of, 11-12
myths, 11-12
origins of, 4
revitalization of, 7-9
Tantra and Tao: The Ancient
and Erotic Techniques for
Incredible Sexual Pleasure,
tantra dates, going out on,
tantra teachers, scams, 12
tantra true love quiz, 248
tantric clothes, 86
tantric getaways, 316
tantric marriage ceremonies
feasts, 259
music, 259-260

special ceremonies,
traditional marriage ceremonies, compared,
tantric music
appreciating, 232
chakras, evoking,
chants, 233
choosing, 229-231
recommendations, 230
tantric marriage ceremonies, 259
themes, 231-232
tantric orgasms, 163-164
tantric sex, 3
benefits of, 13-15
misconceptions of, 5,
myths, 11-12
objectives of, 4-5
reasons for, 12-13
sex therapy, compared,
tantric sex communities,
Tantric Sexuality, 37
tantric transformation
orgasm (TTO). See TTO
(tantric transformation
tantric triggers, finding, 102
tantric twosome trestles,
tantrika, 192
Tantrika International, 75
tantrikas, 197
Tao for Women, Cultivating
Female Sexual Energy, 209
Taoism, 308
Taoist Secrets of Love,
Cultivating Male Sexual
Energy, 209
Tap-tun, 50
Tara, 48

Tarantola, Carla, 173, 204,
finding, 305-309
Osha, 310
trainings, 310-311
techniques, integrating, 317
teens, tantra workshops, 289
teeth, brushing regularly, 82
temple dance, 193
temples, tantric rituals, 57
ten-minute connections,
genitals, 25-26
partners, 24
terms of endearment, 125
testicle tug technique (ejaculation control), 151
thangkas, 199
themes, tantric music,
therapists, 311-312
third eye, opening, 37
throat hold (bandhas), 67
thunderbolts (penises), 26
time, making, 109-110
toenails, painting your partner’s, 84
promoting, 324-325
relationships, 276
touch, senses, stimulating,
toys (sex), 197-199
advanced aids,
finding, 200
traditional marriage ceremonies, tantric marriage
ceremonies, compared,
tragedies, energy, sending,
transitions, tantric love,

transmutation breathing,
transmuting sex drives, 165
Tratak (eye gazing practice),
triggers (tantric), finding,
true tantric sex partner quiz,
TTOs (tantric transformation orgasms), 159, 164
tubs (bath), water jets, 86
tuning in (advanced), 210
twin souls, 250
twosome trestles, 205

urethral openings, vaginas,
urethras, 64

vaginas (yoni), 25
clitorises, 64
examining, 63
urethral openings, 64
urethras, 64
vajra (penis), 26
valley orgasms, 164
VAT (Video Assisted
Therapy), 234
vibrators, 199
Video Assisted Therapy
(VAT), 234
videos, 199, 234-237
general sex, 237-238
goddesses, 236
Kama Sutra series,
tantric sex, 199
workouts, 237
Vishnu (Hindu God), 46


The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Tantric Sex
visualization (advanced),
vows, tantric marriage ceremonies, 258

water exercises, 104
Watsu Water Shiatsu, 104
Waves, 231
Web sites, resources,
weight lifting, 68
Welch, Tawhnee, 163
Western revitalization
criticisms of, 10
tantric sex, 7-9
When Harry Met Sally, 163
White (tantric color), 65
white tantra twosomes,
witnesses, 39
calling on, 123-124
homosexual relationships, 298
juicyness, 188
names, changing, 49
pleasing, 121-131
sexual healing,
yin representation, 20-22
workouts, 68, 237
costs, 315
worshipping partners, 46

X spots, 169
yab yum, 23-24
yantras, 39
yawning, 30


yin and yang (body representations), 20-22
yoga, 66
air yoga, 74-75
bandhas, 67
cat pose, 66
cobra pose, 66
exercises, 179-181
head lifts, 66
resting pose, 66
advanced aids,
advanced positions
and acts, 206-209
advanced tuning in,
advanced visualization,
advanced white tantra
twosome, 204-206
base chakra pleasuring,
circling couple celebration, 175
couple cobras, 178
couple connect, 174
couple cuddle, 179
dangling duos,
deity yoga, 210-211
lovers table, 178
mudras, 209
partner pelvis presses,
squat to stand support,
yogaboxing, 181-183
Yoga Nidra, 321
yogaboxing, 181-183
yoni (vagina), 25
yoni show exercise, 103
youthfulness, maintaining,
Zeus, 52

Dr. Judy is an expert on relationships, sex, dating, and love, as well as other
topics like creativity, brain styles, the psychology of current events, and trends.
Get your copy of her books at your local bookstore or (English and
foreign language versions):
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dating (Alpha, 1999). Everything you need to know
about how to meet your mate.
The Idiot’s Guide to a Healthy Relationship (Alpha, 2001). Everything you need to
know about making a love relationship last.
Generation Sex (Harper, 1996). A collection of touching questions on a massive
range of topics about sex—with advice you won’t find anywhere else—and good
humor! Culled from questions from the radio show LovePhones, including comments from rock stars.
How To Love A Nice Guy. A helpful and effective 10-step program to learn to be
attracted to nice guys instead of bad boys. Also appropriate for guys who keep
going for the “wrong” girls who don’t return their interest. Log on to www. for Dr. Judy as advisory board member, or contact Dr. Judy at the following numbers.
Contact Dr. Judy at, or call Alissa at 718-761-6910 or beep
917-354-3029, to inquire about the following:

___ Giving a lecture, seminar, workshop, keynote speech. Especially designed
for your needs, on tantric sex, love, sex, and relationships.

___ Private counseling session in person or by phone. Individuals and couples,
from a unique approach unifying mind, body, and spirit, combining a
variety of techniques.

___ Hosting your event. (“The Dating Game” for Details magazine, Calvin
Klein Menswear, Bloomingdales stores, Volunteer Recognition Programs for
New York Cares, JC Penney’s community drug awareness).

___ Consulting for your company (on trends, women, men, youth).
___ Judging your contest (Revlon’s Most Unforgettable Woman, Lane Bryant’s
Real Woman, Close-Up Rap ’n Roll).

___ Being your spokesperson. (Universal Studios Florida “Theme Park
Therapy,” Durex World Survey, Virginia Slims Opinion Poll, Holiday
Depression, Church & Dwight, “First Impressions” campaign, Organon’s
blues in the bedroom, and

___ Designing your campaign for public affairs or advertising (perfumes, soft
drinks, Herpes Awareness).

___ Being on your advisory committee/board (Brides magazine, Environmental
Visionary Efforts, Planned Parenthood the Vice Chair of the Foundation of
American Women in Radio and TV, Board of TV Academy in New York).

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