The Ethical Slut Slut, Third Edition A Practical Guide To Polyamory

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MOREPRAISEFORTHEETHICALSLUT

“TheEthicalSlutwastheverybookthatfreedmyownsexuality,andalsoledmedownthepathofbecoming

asextherapist.It’sraretofindabookwiththecapacitytobothexpandyoursexualintelligenceandalso

raiseyoursexualconfidence.WeneedmorebrilliantauthorslikeHardyandEastonandthisliberating

book.”

—CHRISDONAGHUE,PhD,CST,authorofSexOutsidetheLinesandcohostoftheLoveline

podcast

“Asanethicalslutmyself,Iwasoverjoyedtodevourthisnewupdatedsexuallydiverseandeye-openingpie.

Slutsuniteethically!”

—DavidHenrySterry,best-sellingauthorofChicken:Self-portraitofaYoungManforRent

PRAISEFORTHESECONDEDITION

“TheEthicalSlutisoneofthemostusefulrelationshipbooksyoucouldeverread,nomatterwhatyour

lifestylechoices.It’schock-fullofgreatinformationaboutcommunication,jealousy,askingforwhatyou

want,andmaintainingarelationshipwithintegrity.Anabsolutemasterpieceandamust-read!”

—ANNIESPRINKLE,PhD,sexologistandauthorofDr.Sprinkle’sSpectacularSex

“Manypeoplewishforanddreamofawiderworldsexuallyandliveouttheirlivesunabletofindthe

couragetoexplore.Thisbookisathoughtful,practical,andlovinglookatthatexploration.”

—DAVIDCROSBY,musicianandauthorofSinceThen

“Thisbookisthedefinitiveguidetohavingyourmarriageandeatingotherpeopletoo.TheEthicalSlutmade

metheethicalslutIamtoday,andIamsoproud!”

—MARGARETCHO,comedianandauthorofI’mtheOneThatIWant

“TheEthicalSlut,inthisnewandexpandededition,isthedefinitiveguideforcreatingandsustainingall

consciousrelationships—polyamorous,open,alternative,andmonogamous.Don’tenterintoanother

relationshipwithoutit!”

—BARBARACARRELLAS,authorofUrbanTantra

“DossieandJanet’sblendofgoodhumorandforthrighthonestymakesforsomeofthebestwritingIhave

foundonsexuallycomplicatedrelationshipsandblendedfamilyoptions.Engaging,disarming,forthright—

thisisthebookforthoseofusstillbraveenoughtomaketheethicallycomplexchoices.”

—DOROTHYALLISON,authorofBastardOutofCarolina

Allrightsreserved.

PublishedintheUnitedStatesbyTenSpeedPress,

animprintoftheCrownPublishingGroup,adivisionofPenguinRandomHouseLLC,New

York.

www.crownpublishing.com

www.tenspeed.com

TenSpeedPressandtheTenSpeedPresscolophonareregisteredtrademarksofPenguin

RandomHouseLLC.

LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataisonfilewiththepublisher.

TradePaperISBN 9780399579660

EbookISBN 9780399579677

v4.1

Contents
PARTONE:WELCOME
WhoIsanEthicalSlut?
MythsandRealities
OurBeliefs
SlutStyles
BattlingSexNegativity
BuildingaCultureofConsent
InfinitePossibilities
PARTTWO:THEPRACTICEOFSLUTHOOD
Abundance
SlutSkills
Boundaries
TheUnethicalSlut
FlirtingandCruising
KeepingSexSafe
Childrearing
PARTTHREE:NAVIGATINGCHALLENGES
RoadmapsthroughJealousy
EmbracingConflict
MakingAgreements
OpeninganExistingRelationship
PARTFOUR:SLUTSINLOVE

19: MakingConnection
20: CouplesandGroups
21: TheSingleSlut
22: TheEbbandFlowofRelationships
23: SexandPleasure
24: PublicSex,GroupSex,andOrgies
CONCLUSION:ASLUTUTOPIA
ASLUT’SGLOSSARY
FURTHERREADING
ABOUTTHEAUTHORS
INDEX
Exercises
SlutsWeKnowandLove
SomeAffirmationstoTry
PracticeMakesPerfect
HowDoYouExperienceJealousy?
Reassurance
FifteenWaystoBeKindtoYourself
Treasures
FeelingsDyad
EightStepstoWin-WinConflictResolution
WhatIsAngerGoodFor?
HierarchyofHard
TheTwenty-MinuteFight
TheAirportGame
AHealthyBreakup

TheProcess-FreeDate
AHotDatewithYourself
Yes,No,Maybe
MoreFunwithYour“Yes,No,Maybe”List
GetLoud

WHOISANETHICALSLUT?

Manypeopledreamofhavinganabundanceofloveandsexandfriendship.Some

believe that such a life is impossible and settle for less than they want, feeling

alwaysalittlelonely,alittlefrustrated.Otherstrytoachievetheirdreambutare

thwarted by outside social pressures or by their own emotions, and decide that

suchdreamsmuststayintherealmoffantasy.Afew,though,persistanddiscover

that being openly loving, intimate, and sexual with many people is not only

possiblebutcanbemorerewardingthantheyeverimagined.

People have been succeeding at free love for many centuries—often quietly,

withoutmuch fanfare.Inthis book,wewill sharethetechniques,theskills,and

theidealsthathavemadeitworkforthem.

Sowhoisanethicalslut?Weare.Many,manyothersare.Maybeyouaretoo.If

youdreamoffreedom,ifyoudreamofintimacybothhotandprofound,ifyou

dreamofanabundanceoffriendsandflirtationandaffection,offollowingyour

desiresandseeingwheretheytakeyou,thenyou’vealreadytakenthefirststep.

WhyWeChoseThisTitle

Fromthe momentyou saw orheardaboutthisbook,youprobablyguessedthat

someofthetermsmaynothavethemeaningsyou’reaccustomedto.

What kind of people would revel in calling themselves sluts? And why would

theyinsistonbeingrecognizedfortheirethics?

Inmostoftheworld,slutisahighlyoffensivetermusedtodescribeawoman

whosesexualityisvoracious,indiscriminate,andshameful.It’sinterestingtonote

thattheanalogouswordsstudorplayer,usedtodescribeahighlysexualman,are

often terms of approval and envy. If you ask about a man’s morals, you will

probablyhearabouthishonesty,loyalty,integrity,andhighprinciples.Whenyou

askaboutawoman’smorals,youaremorelikelytohearaboutwhomsheshares

sexwithandunderwhatconditions.Wehaveaproblemwiththis.

Soweareproudtoreclaimthewordslutasatermofapproval,evenendearment.

Tous,aslutisapersonofanygenderwhocelebratessexualityaccordingtothe

radicalpropositionthatsexisniceandpleasureisgoodforyou.Slutsmaychoose

tohavenosexatallortogetcozywiththeFifthFleet.Theymaybeheterosexual,

homosexual,asexual,orbisexual,radicalactivistsorpeacefulsuburbanites.

As proud sluts, we believe that sex and sexual love are fundamental forces for

good, activities with the potential to strengthen intimate bonds, enhance lives,

open spiritual awareness, even change the world. Furthermore, we believe that

every consensual intimate relationship has these potentials and that any erotic

pathway, consciously chosen and mindfully followed, can be a positive, creative

forceinthelivesofindividualsandtheircommunities.

Sluts share their sexuality the way philanthropists share their money: because

they have a lot of it to share, because it makes them happy to share it, because

sharingmakestheworldabetterplace.Slutsoftenfindthatthemoreloveandsex

theygiveaway,themoretheyhave:aloaves-and-fishesmiracleinwhichgreedand

generosity go hand in hand to provide more for everybody. Imagine living in

sexualabundance!

AboutYou

Maybe you dream of maintaining several long-term sexual and intimate

relationships.Maybe yourdream is of alot of friendships thatmay ormaynot

includesex.Maybetheideaofgenitalsexholdsnointerestforyoubutyoustill

want to form a warm, loving partnership…or two or three. Maybe you want

monogamy but a kind of monogamy that you and your partner have created

accordingtoyourowndesiresandnottheblueprinthandeddownbythegreater

culture.Maybeyouwanttobesingle,connectingwhereandhowyouwantwithout

changingyourfundamentalindependence.Maybeyouwanttobepartofacouple

thatoccasionallysharesabedwithamutuallydesirablethirdpartyorthattakesa

planned night away from monogamy every now and then. Maybe you dream of

three-way or four-way or orgiastic connections. Maybe you cherish solitude and

wanttofindwaystogetyourneedsmetallbyyourselfwiththeoccasionalhelpof

afriendorlover.

Or maybe you want toexplore different paths,totry afew things tosee how

they feel, to see how many kinds of relating you can fit into your busy and

interestinglife.

All these possibilities and a hundred more are legitimate ways of being an

ethicalslut.Asyoureadthisbook,you’llfindthatsomeofourideaswillbegood

fitsforthewayyouwanttoliveandotherswillnot.Takewhatyouwantandleave

the rest. As long as you and the people you care about are consenting, growing,

and taking good care of yourselves and the people around you, you’re doing

ethical sluthood right, so don’t let someone else’s opinions—including ours—tell

youotherwise.

AboutUs

Betweenus,werepresentafairlylargesliceofthepiethatissexualdiversity.

Dossie is a therapist in private practice in San Francisco, specializing in

alternative sexualities, nontraditional relationships, and therapy for trauma

survivors.Shehasidentifiedasqueerformorethanthirtyyears,informedbythe

women’s and the gay men’s communities andby her years of bisexuality before

that.Shecommittedtoanopensexuallifestylein1969whenherdaughterwasa

newbornandtaught herfirstworkshoponunlearning jealousyin 1973.She has

spentabouthalfofheradultlifelivingsingle,sortof,withfamiliesofhousemates,

lovers,andotherintimates.ShemakesherhomeinthemountainsnorthofSan

Francisco.

Many of you may remember Janet from the first edition of this book as

Catherine A. Liszt, a pen name she used back when her sons were still minors.

Now that they’re grown and independent, she has gone back to using her real

name. Janet lived as a teenaged slut in college but then essayed traditional

monogamy in aheterosexualmarriage for morethanadecade.Sincethe endof

thatmarriage,shehasnotconsideredmonogamyanoptionforher.Whilemost

peoplewouldcallherbisexual,shethinksofherselfasgender-bentandcan’tquite

figure out how sexual orientation is supposed to work when you’re sometimes

maleandsometimesfemale.She’smarriedtoabio-guywhosegenderisasflexible

ashers,whichislesscomplicatedthanitsounds.Shemakesherlivingasawriter,

publisher,andteacher,andlivesinEugene,Oregon.

Together,wehavebeenlovers,dearfriends,coauthors,andcoconspiratorsfora

quartercentury,inandoutofvariousotherrelationships,homes,andprojects.We

are both parents of grown children, both active in the BDSM/leather/kink

communities,andbothcreativewriters.Wethinkwe’reagreatexampleof what

canhappenifyoudon’ttrytoforceallyourrelationshipsintothemonogamous

’til-death-do-us-partmodel.

SexualAdventurers

Theworldgenerallyviewsslutsasdebased,degraded,promiscuous,indiscriminate,

jaded,immoraladventurers—destructive,outofcontrol,anddrivenbysomeform

ofpsychopathologythatpreventsthemfromenteringintoahealthymonogamous

relationship.

Oh,yes—anddefinitelynotethical.

Weseeourselvesaspeoplewhoarecommittedtofindingaplaceofsanitywith

sexandrelationships,andtofreeingourselvestoenjoysexandsexualloveinas

manywaysasmayfitforeachofus.Wemaynotalwaysknowwhatfitswithout

tryingiton,sowetendtobecuriousandadventurous.Whenweseesomeonewho

intrigues us, we like to feel free to respond, and, as we explore our response, to

discoverwhateverisspecialaboutthisnew,fascinatingperson.Welikerelatingto

differentkindsofpeopleandrevelinginhowourdifferencesexpandourhorizons

andofferusnewwaystobeourselves.

Sluts are not necessarily sexual athletes—although many of us do train more

thanmost.Mostofusvaluesex,notasawaytosetrecordsbutforthepleasureit

brings us and the good times we get to share with however many wonderful

people.

We love adventure. The word adventurer is sometimes used pejoratively,

suggesting that the adventurous person is immature or inauthentic, not really

willingto“growup”and“settledown”intoapresumablymonogamouslifestyle.

Wewonder:What’swrongwithhavingadventures?Can’twehaveadventuresand

stillraisechildren,buyhouses,anddotheworkthat’simportanttous?Ofcourse

we can; sluts qualify for mortgages just like everybody else. We tend to like our

lives complicated, and the challenge of maintaining stable work and home lives

whilediscoveringnewpeopleandideasisjustwhatweneedtokeepusinterested

andengaged.

“Wehateboredom.Wearepeoplewhoaregreedytoexperienceallthatlifehas

toofferandarealsogenerousinsharingwhatwehavetooffer.”

Oneofthemostvaluablethingswelearnfromopensexuallifestylesisthatour

programming aboutlove,intimacy,andsex canberewritten.Whenwebeginto

questionallthewayswehavebeentoldweoughttobe,wecanbegintoeditand

rewriteouroldtapes.Bybreakingtherules,webothfreeandempowerourselves.

Wehateboredom.Wearepeoplewhoaregreedytoexperienceallthatlifehas

toofferandarealsogenerousinsharingwhatwehavetooffer.Welovetobethe

goodtimehadbyall.

What’sNewinThisEdition

In the eight years since the previous edition of The Ethical Slut was published,

polyamoryhasbecomehugelymorevisible,whichmeansthataverywidevariety

of people of all races, genders, orientations, and backgrounds are becoming

interested in exploring the possibilities of relationships beyond culturally

compelledmonogamy.Inthisedition,wehavedoneourbesttospeaktoaswidea

range of potential readers as we can. Hence, you’ll find that we’ve given more

attention topeopleof color,asexualandaromantic people,peopleintheirteens

and early twenties,peopleof nonbinary gender, andother groups thattoooften

receiveshortshriftfromsex-positivecommunities.

Along-overdueconversationaboutthenatureandnuanceofsexualconsenthas

also moved into the forefront of the cultural dialogue. We’ve included a new

chapter on this important topic. And, just for fun, we’ve also added some short

historiesofthepeopleandideasthathavehelpedmakealternativesexualitywhat

itistoday.

TheLanguageinThisBook

Whenyousitdowntowriteabookaboutsex,aswehopeyouonedaywill,you

will discover that centuries of censorship have left us with very little adequate

language with which to discuss the joys and occasional worries of sex. The

languagethatwedohaveoftencarriesimplicitjudgments:Iftheonlypolitewayto

talk about sexuality is in medical Latin—vulvas and pudendas,penes and testes —are

onlydoctorsallowedtotalkaboutsex?Issexallaboutdisease?Meanwhile,mostof

theoriginallyEnglishwords—cockandcunt,fucking,and,ohyes,slut—oftenhavea

hostileorcoarsefeeltothemandareusedasinsultstodegradepeopleandtheir

sexuality.Euphemisms—peepeesandpussies,jadegatesandmightytowers—soundasif

weareembarrassed.Maybeweare.

Ourapproachtoasex-positivelanguageistoreclaimtheoriginalEnglishwords

and,byusingthemaspositivedescriptors,washthemclean.Henceouradoption

ofthewordslut(whichweareproudtosayhasinfiltratedthelanguageintheform

ofslutwalksandtherejectionofslut-shaming).Youwillalsofindinthisbook

words like fuck and cock and cunt used, not as insults, but to mean what they

actuallymean.

Wearewritingthisbookfromasex-positiveposition,inthebeliefthatweare

workingforahealthier andhappierandsafer world. We are aware, also, that for

many people, sex has not been a positive thing in their lives, whether from

culturalorreligiousshamingorfromexposuretosexualviolence,andsometimes

becauseforthemgenitalsexisnotwhattheywant.

Ourfondestutopianvisionsarethatwhensexandloveandintimacyaretruly

free, and seen as positive forces in our lives and in the world, we will be much

moreabletosolvetheproblemsofrape,sexualbullying,shaming,andrepression.

Indeed, we hope this book contributes to a world where you won’t settle for

anythinglessthanloveandfreedominyoursexlife.

Culturalblindspotscanshowupascentrisms:couple-centrism,heterocentrism,

eurocentrism.Nonmonogamy,extramaritalsex,andopenrelationshipsalldefine

themselvesbywhattheyaren’t,thusimplyingthatthey’resomeexceptiontothe

“normal”relationshipsthat“normal”peoplehave.

Polyamorywascoinedin1992andiscurrently,wearethrilledtoreport,included

intheOxfordEnglishDictionary.FormedfromLatinandGreekrootsthattranslate

as “loving many,” this word has been adopted by many sluts to describe their

lifestyles.Itisoftenabbreviatedaspoly,asin“Iamapolyperson.”Someuseitto

mean multiple committed live-in relationships, forms of group marriage; others

use it as an umbrella word to cover all forms of sex and love and domesticity

outsideconventionalmonogamy.Thewordpolyamoryhasmovedintothelanguage

sorapidlythatwethinkmaybethelanguagehasbeenwaitingforitforaverylong

time.

Inthisnewworldofsexandrelationships,newtermsgetcoinedallthetimeto

describe, or attempt to describe, the ever-changing spectrum of ways in which

people arrange their lives. If, as you’re reading, you encounter a term you don’t

understand,pleasechecktheGlossaryinthebackofthebook,wherewe’vedefined

manyofthesetermsforyou.ThefirstusageofeachGlossarytermismarkedlike

this.

Peopleoftenaskuswhywetalksomuchaboutsex.Weseesexastheelephant

in the room: huge, taking up lots of space, and too seldom included in the

discourseaboutrelationships.Inthisbookwewilltalkaboutmanykindsoflove

andwe’llalsotalkaboutsexualexpressionofallofthem.

Finally,wearedoingourbesttomakethelanguageinthisbookaspansexual

andgender-neutralaswecan:thisbookisforeverybody.Inpreviouseditions,we

switched back and forth between “he” and “she” pronouns, but in this edition,

withthenewlyincreasedvisibilityofnonbinarylifestylesandgenders,wewilluse

the gender-neutral pronouns they, them, and their whenever possible. Pansexual

means including everyone as a sexual being: straight, bi, lesbian, gay, asexual,

nonbinary,trans, queer, old, young, disabled, pervert, male, female, questioning,

transitioning. The examples and quotations in this book have been drawn from

throughout the huge array of lifestyles we have encountered in our combined

eightdecadesofsluthood:thereareinfinite“right”waystobesexual,andwewant

toaffirmallofthem.

PolyPioneers:AlfredKinseyandtheKinsey

Institute

Throughout this book, we’ll suggest that consensual behaviors like nonmarital sex,

masturbation,homosexuality,andBDSM,stillconsidered“sinful”and“perverted”bysome,can

infactbelife-enhancingandquiteunexceptionalwaystoconductanethicallysluttylifestyle.

Andifyou’renotshockedtoreadthat,youcanthankDr.AlfredKinseyandhiscolleagues.

Kinsey, an Eagle Scout raised in a repressively patriarchal household, rebelled by studying

insect biology rather than pursuing the engineering career dictated by his hyperreligious and

autocraticfather.Beforehe’dwrittenawordabouthumansex,hewasconsideredoneofthe

world’sleading experts on thegall wasp, and hadwrittentwowell-received monographs on

thetopicaswellasseveralothertextsonbiologyandnature.

Kinsey’s investigation into American sexual practices began when he was asked to team-

teachaclassonhumansexualityatIndianaUniversity.Hisinterestwaspiquedwhenhefound

himselfunabletoanswerstudentquestions:scientificresearchonhowpeopleactuallyhadsex

simply didn’t exist. At about this time, the socially maladroit Kinsey began a more personal

experiment: he met, fell in love with, and married the bright and tomboyish Clara McMillan

(“Mac”), a graduate student in chemistry. Both Prok (a lifelong nickname, granted by his

students,shortfor“ProfessorK”)andMacwerevirginsatthetimeoftheirmarriage, asmany

young couples were at the time; their difficulties in overcoming this inexperience were an

additionalspurtoKinsey’sdeterminationtolearnmoreaboutsex.

The completist spirit that had spurred Kinsey to collect tens of thousands of gall wasp

specimens led him to spearhead an epic project: interviewing thousands of Americans of all

genders, races, and classes about their sexual experiences and attitudes. He found enough

sponsorship money that he was able to hire and train colleagues, who would go on to be

respectedsexresearchersintheirownright,toassistinthisenormoustask.

Allinall,theycollectedmorethantwelvethousandenormouslydetailedsexhistories,eight

thousandfrominterviewsbyKinseyhimself.Kinseyreachedouttopeopleinlifestylesthatare

rarely public: minority communities, churches, small town PTAs, and many more. He

campaignedforone100percentparticipationinmanyofthesecommunities,tobecertainthat

he wasn’t leaving out people who might be too shy or embarrassed to volunteer. Kinsey’s

research and his conclusions are still well regarded even though statistical techniques are

much more sophisticated today. All subsequent research owes a huge debt to the work of

Kinseyandhisteam.

Thiscadre ofresearchersandtheirpartnerswouldbeconsidered,in today’sterminology,a

polyculeorconstellation.Whensexisdiscussedopenly,peopletypicallyfeelmuchfreertoact

ontheirdesires—so,unsurprisingly,bothProkandMacweresexuallyinvolvedwithseveralof

the researchers, who in turn had sex with one another’s spouses. Whatever difficulties were

encounteredinthisarrangement—andtherewereseveral—seemtohavehadatleastasmuch

todowiththeproblemofbeingsexualwithcoworkersastheydidwithsexualjealousy.Kinsey’s

frequently insensitive personal style was undoubtedly a factor as well. In spite of such small

flare-ups,theKinseyitesremainedcolleaguesandoccasionalloversuntilKinsey’sdeathin1956,

andmembersoftheoriginalcrewcontinuedatthehelmoftheKinseyInstituteforResearchin

Sex,Gender,andReproductionuntil1982.

Even today, more than half a century after Kinsey’s death, he is a controversial figure. His

booksSexual Behavior in the Human Male (1948) and Sexual Behavior in the Human Female

(1953)sold hundredsofthousands ofcopiesand createdshockwaves throughouttheworld

when his collected interviews and statistics revealed the frequency of sexual activities like

masturbation,extramaritalsex,andsame-sexconnectionsinbothmenandwomen.

However,thisimportantworkfellsubjecttotheCommunistwitchhuntsofthe1950s,which

cost him his funding and his health. Still today, those who oppose our contemporary sexual

freedomsciteKinsey’sbisexuality,nonmonogamy,kinkinterests,andnonjudgmentalismabout

hisinterviewsubjectsasreasonstodiscounthisgroundbreakingresearch.

However, the genie of sexual knowledge cannot be easily crammed back into its bottle:

today’s liberated sexual mores, including the acceptance of sex before or outside marriage,

homosexualityandbisexuality,BDSM,and,yes,poly,owetheirexistencetoDr.Kinsey’swork.

Prok,Mac,andtheKinseyitesareclearlyamongthepatronsaintsofethicalsluthood—notjust

fortheirpioneeringsexandrelationshipconstellations,butfortheworkthey did tobringthe

truevarietyofhumansexualexperienceintothelight.

MYTHSANDREALITIES

Thosewhosetoffdownthepathofexploringnewkindsofrelationshipsandnew

lifestyles often find themselves blocked by beliefs—both their own and those of

others—aboutthewaysocietyshouldbe,thewayrelationshipsshouldbe,andthe

way people should be. These beliefs are deeply rooted and far too often

unexamined.

We have all been taught that one way of relating—lifelong monogamous

heterosexual marriage—is the only right way. We are told that monogamy is

“normal” and “natural”; if our desires do not fit into that constraint, we are

morallydeficient,psychologicallydisturbed,andgoingagainstnature.

Many of us feel instinctively that something is wrong with this picture. But

howcanyoudigupandexamineabeliefthatyoudon’tevenknowyouhold?The

idealoflifelongmonogamyastheonlypropergoalforrelationshipsissodeeply

buriedinourculturethatit’salmostinvisible:weoperateonthesebeliefswithout

evenknowingwebelievethem.They’reunderourfeetallthetime,thefoundation

forourassumptions,ourvalues,ourdesires,ourmyths,ourexpectations.Wedon’t

noticethemuntilwetripoverthem.

Wheredidthesebeliefsgetstarted?Often,theyevolvedtomeetconditionsthat

nolongerexist.

Our beliefs about traditional marriage date from agrarian cultures, where you

madeeverythingyouateorworeorused,wherelargeextendedfamilieshelpedget

this huge amount of work done so nobody starved, and where marriage was a

workingproposition.Whenwetalkabout“traditional family values,”this isthe

family we are talking about: an extended family of grandparents and aunts and

cousins, an organization structured to accomplish the work of staying alive. We

see large families functioning in traditional ways in America today, often in

cultures recentlytransplantedfromother countries,or as abasic support system

amongeconomicallyvulnerableurbanorruralpopulations.

Controlling sexual behavior didn’t seem to be that important outside the

propertiedclassesuntiltheIndustrialRevolution,whichlaunchedawholenewera

ofsex-negativity,perhapsbecauseoftherisingmiddleclassandthelimitedspace

for children in urban cultures. Doctors and ministers in the late eighteenth

centurybegantoclaimthatmasturbationwasunhealthyandsinful,thatthismost

innocent of sexual outlets was dangerous to society—male circumcision became

commonplaceinthiserainanefforttodiscouragemasturbation.Anydesirefor

sex,evenwithyourself,hadbecomeashamefulsecret.

Buthumannaturewillwinout.Wearehornycreatures,andthemoresexually

repressiveaculturebecomes,themoreoutrageousitscovertsexualthoughtsand

behaviorswillbecome,asanyfanofVictorianporncanattest.

InhislecturestoyoungcommunistsinGermanyduringtheriseofHitlerand

theNazis,psychologistWilhelmReichtheorizedthatthesuppressionofsexuality

was essential to an authoritarian government. Without the imposition of

antisexualmorality,hebelieved,peoplewouldbefreefromshameandwouldtrust

their own sense of right and wrong. They would be unlikely to march to war

againsttheirwishesortooperatedeathcamps.

The nuclear family, which consists of parents and children relatively isolated

fromtheextendedfamily,isarelicofthetwentieth-centurymiddleclass.Children

nolongerworkonthefarmorinthefamilybusiness;theyareraisedalmostlike

pets.Marriagetodayisnolongeressentialforsurvival.Nowwemarryinpursuitof

comfort, security, sex, intimacy, and emotional connection. The increase in

divorce, so deplored by today’s religious right, may simply reflect the economic

realitythattodaymostofuscanaffordtoleaverelationshipsinwhichwearenot

happy;noonewillstarve.Andstillmodernpuritansattempttoenforcethenuclear

familyandmonogamousmarriagebyteachingsexualshame.

Webelievethatthecurrentsetof“oughta-be’s,”andanyotherset,arecultural

artifactsratherthannaturallaws.Indeed,natureiswondrouslydiverse,offeringus

infinitepossibilities.Wewouldliketoliveinaculture thatrespects thechoices

made by sluts as highly as we respect the couple celebrating their fiftieth

anniversary.(And,cometothinkofit,whatmakesusassumethatsuchacoupleis

monogamousanyway?)

Wearepavingnewroadsacrossnewterritory.Wehavenoculturallyapproved

scripts for open sexual lifestyles; we need to write our own. To write your own

scriptrequiresalotofeffort,andalotofhonesty,andisthekindofhardwork

that brings many rewards. You may find the right way for you and three years

fromnowdecideyou wanttoliveadifferentway—andthat’sfine.Youwritethe

script,yougettomakethechoices,andyougettochangeyourmind,too.

“Wehavenoculturallyapprovedscriptsforopensexuallifestyles;weneedto

writeourown.”

EXERCISE:SLUTSWEKNOWANDLOVE

Make a list of all the people you can think of who are not

monogamous, including public figures; characters from TV,

movies,books;andsoon.Howdoyoufeelabouteachofthem?

What can you learn, positive or negative? What do they tell you

aboutwhatkindofslutyoudoanddon’twanttobe?

JudgmentsaboutSluts

As you try to figure out your own path, you may encounter a lot of harsh

judgments aboutthe ways different people live.We’resureyoudon’tneedusto

tellyouthattheworlddoesnot,forthemostpart,honorsluthoodorthinkwellof

thoseofuswhoaresexuallyexplorative.

Youwillprobablyfindsomeofthesejudgmentsinyourownbrain,burrowedin

deeperthanyoueverrealized.Webelievethattheysayalotmoreabouttheculture

thatpromotesthemthantheydoaboutanyactualperson,includingyou.

“PROMISCUOUS”

This means we enjoy too many sexual partners. We’ve also been called

“indiscriminate” in our sexuality, which we resent: we can always tell our lovers

apart.

Wedonotbelievethatthereissuchathingastoomuchsex,exceptperhapson

certainhappyoccasionswhenouroptionsexceedourabilities.Nordowebelieve

that the ethics we are talking about have anything to do with moderation or

abstinence.Kinsey oncedefineda“nymphomaniac”as “someonewhohasmore

sexthanyou”and,scientistthathewas,demonstratedhispointwithstatistics.

Ishavinglesssexsomehowmorevirtuousthanhavingmore?Wethinknot.We

measuretheethicsofgoodslutsnotbythenumberoftheirpartners,butbythe

respectandcarewithwhichtheytreatthem.

“AMORAL”

Our culture also tells us that sluts are evil, uncaring, amoral, and destructive,

seeking to steal something—virtue, money, self-esteem—from their partners. In

someways,thisarchetypeisbasedontheideathatsexisacommodity,acoinyou

trade for something else—stability, children, a wedding ring—and that any other

transactionconstitutesbeingcheatedandbetrayed.

We have rarely observed any Jezebels or Casanovas in our community, but

perhapsitisnotverysatisfyingforathieftostealwhatisfreelygiven.Wedonot

worryaboutbeingrobbedofoursexualvaluebythepeoplewesharepleasurewith.

“SINFUL”

Somepeoplebasetheirsenseofethicsonwhatthey’velearnedisokayornotokay

according toGodortheir church ortheir parents ortheir culture. They believe

that being good consists of obedience to laws set down by a power greater than

themselves.

Religion, we think, has a great deal to offer to many people, including the

comfortoffaithandthesecurityofcommunity.Butbelieving thatGoddoesn’t

like sex is like believing that God doesn’t like you. Because of this belief, a

tremendous number of people carry great shame for their own perfectly natural

sexualdesiresandactivities.

We prefer the beliefs of a woman we met, a devoted churchgoer in a

fundamentalist faith. She told us that when she was about five years old, she

discovered the joys of masturbation in the back seat of the family car, tucked

underawarmblanketonalongtrip.Itfeltsowonderfulthatsheconcludedthat

theexistenceofherclitoriswasproofpositivethatGodlovedher.

“PATHOLOGICAL”

When psychological studies of human behavior came into vogue in the late

nineteenth century, Dr. Richard von Krafft-Ebing and Dr. Sigmund Freud

attemptedtocreatemoretoleranceby theorizingthatslutsarenotbadbutsick,

suffering from psychopathology that is not their fault, because their neurosis

derives from having their sexuality warped by their parents during their toilet

training.So,theysaid,weshouldnolongerburnslutsatthestakebutinsteadsend

themtomental hospitals tobecuredin anenvironment thatpermits nosexual

expressionatall.

During your authors’ childhood and adolescence in the early 1960s, it was

common practice to certify and incarcerate adolescents for “treatment” of the

“illness” of being sexual—especially if they were gay or lesbian, gender-dysphoric

and thus challenging cultural norms of gender, and/or female and in danger of

damaging their market value as virgins. (Think about the cultural assumptions

thatunderlieoneinsultthrownatwomenwholiketohavealotofsex:“cheap.”In

otherwords,femalesexualityisacommodityand,likeallcommodities,ismade

morevaluablebyitsrarity—soawomanwhosharessexwidelyisreducingherown

marketvalue.)Thissortofthingstilltakesplacemoreoftenthanyoumightthink.

More recently we hear about sex addicts, avoidance of intimacy, commitment-

phobia,andattachmentdisorders.Pathologizingexplorativesexualbehaviorisfar

toooftenusedasaweaponinamoralwaragainstallsexualfreedom.

Thewholeideaofsexaddictionis a controversial one—manypeoplefeelthat

the word addiction is not well suited to discussing behavioral issues like sex.

However,everybody seems toagree thatsubstituting sex for fulfillment of other

needs—to allay anxiety, for instance, or bolster sagging self-esteem—represents a

problem.

Only you can decide whether your sexual behaviors have become compulsive

and whether you wish to change them. Some people try to validate their sexual

attractivenessoverandover,usingsexasconstantreassurancebecausetheydonot

seethemselvesasinnatelyattractiveorlovable.Sexcanfeellike,andevenbe,the

onlycoinvaluableenoughtoattractattentionandapproval.

Somegroupsandtherapists who subscribe totheaddictionmodel may try to

tellyouthatanythingbutthemostconservativeofsexualbehaviorsiswrongor

unhealthyorasymptomofaddictionordisease.Weencourageyoutotrustyour

ownbeliefsandfindyourselfasupportiveenvironment.Sometwelve-stepgroups

encourageyoutodefinethehealthysexlifeyouwantforyourself.Ifyourgoalis

monogamy, that’s fine, and if your goal is to stop seeking sex in the place of

friendship,oranyotherbehaviorpatternthatyouwishtoresculpt,that’sfinetoo.

Wedonotbelievethatsuccessfullyrecoveringsexaddictshavetobemonogamous

unlesstheywanttobe.

“EASY”

Isthere,wewonder,somevirtueinbeingdifficult?

MythsaboutSluts

Oneofthechallengesfacingtheethicalslutisourculture’sinsistencethat,simply

because“everybodyknows”something,itmustobviouslybetrue.Weurgeyouto

regard with great skepticism any sentence that begins “Everybody knows…” or

“Common sense tells us…” Often, these phrases are signposts for cultural belief

systems that may be antisexual, monogamy-centrist, and/or codependent.

Questioning what “everybody knows” can be difficult and disorienting, but we

have found it to be rewarding: questioning is the first step toward generating a

newparadigm,yourownparadigmofhowyououghttobe.

Cultural belief systems can be very deeply rooted in literature, law, and

archetypes,whichmeansthatshakingthemfromyourownpersonalethoscanbe

difficult.Butthefirststepinexploringthemis,ofcourse,recognizingthem.Here,

then,aresome of the pervasive myths thatwehaveheardallourlives and have

cometounderstandaremostoftenuntrueanddestructivetoourrelationshipsand

ourlives.

MYTH#1:LONG-TERMMONOGAMOUSRELATIONSHIPSARETHE

ONLYREALRELATIONSHIPS.

Lifetimemonogamyasanidealisarelativelynewconceptinhumanhistoryand

makesusuniqueamongprimates.Thereisnothingthatcanbeachievedwithina

long-term monogamous relationship that cannot be achieved without one.

Businesspartnership,deepattachment,stableparenting,personalgrowth,andcare

andcompanionshipinoldageareallwellwithintheabilitiesoftheslut.

Peoplewhobelieve this mythmay feelthatsomething is wrong with them if

theyaren’tinacommittedtwosome.Iftheyprefertoremainfreeagents,ifthey

discoverthemselveslovingmorethanonepersonatatime,iftheyhavetriedone

ormoretraditionalrelationshipsthatdidn’tworkout…insteadofquestioningthe

myth,theyquestionthemselves:AmIincomplete?Whereis my otherhalf?The

myth teaches them that they are not good enough in and of themselves. Often

peopledevelopaveryunrealisticviewofcouplehood—Mr.,Ms.,orMx.Rightwill

automatically solve all their problems, fill all the gaps, and make their lives

complete.

A subset of this myth is the belief that if you’re really in love, you will

automaticallyloseallinterestinothers;thus,ifyou’rehavingsexualorromantic

feelings towardanyone but yourprimary partner,you’re notreally in love.This

beliefhascostmanypeopleagreatdealofhappinessthroughthecenturies,yetis

untruetothepointofabsurdity:aringaroundthefingerdoesnotcauseanerve

blocktothegenitals.

And, we must ask, if monogamy is the only acceptable option, the only true

formoflove,thanaretheseagreementsgenuinelyconsensual?Ifyoubelievethat

you have no other choice, we believe that you lack the agency that underlies

informed consent. We have many friends who have chosen to be monogamous,

andweapplaudthem.Buthowmanypeopleinoursocietyconsciouslymakethat

choice?

MYTH#2:ROMANTICLOVEISTHEONLYREALLOVE.

Lookatthelyricsofpopularsongsorreadsome classicalpoetry:thephraseswe

choose to describe romantic love don’t really sound all that pleasant. “Crazy in

love,”“lovehurts,”“obsession,”“heartbreak”…thesearealldescriptionsofmental

orphysicalillness.

The feeling that gets called romantic love in this culture seems to be a heady

cocktail of lust and adrenaline, sparked by uncertainty, insecurity, perhaps even

angerordanger.Thechillsupthespinethatwerecognizeaspassionare,infact,

the same physical phenomenon as hair rising up on a cat’s back, caused by the

fight-or-flightresponse.

Thiskindoflovecanbethrillingandoverwhelmingandsometimesahellofa

lotoffun,butitisnottheonly“real”kindoflove,norisitalwaysagoodbasisfor

anongoingrelationship.

MYTH#3:SEXUALDESIREISADESTRUCTIVEFORCE.

ThisonegoesallthewaybacktotheGardenofEdenandleadstoalotofcrazy-

makingdoublestandards.Somereligionspreachthatwomen’ssexualityiseviland

dangerousandexistsonlytolurementotheirdoom.FromtheVictorianera,we

gettheideathatmenarehopelesslyvoraciousandpredatorywhenitcomestosex,

andwomenaresupposedtocontrolandcivilizethembybeingpure,asexual,and

withholding—men are the gas pedal and women the brakes, which is, we think,

prettyhardontheengine.Neitheroftheseideasworksforus.

Many people also believe that unashamed sexual desire, particularly desire for

morethanoneperson,inevitablydestroysthefamily—yetwesuspectthatfarmore

familieshavebeendestroyedbybitterdivorcesovercheatingthanhaveeverbeen

disturbedbyethicalconsensualnonmonogamy.

We prefertolisten toour desires withan openmindandthen make choices

abouthowweact.

MYTH#4:THEONLYMORALWAYTOHAVESEXISWITHINA

COMMITTEDRELATIONSHIP.

Anoldsawhasitthatmenagreetorelationshipstohavesex,andwomenagreeto

sex to have relationships. Believing such nonsense leads to the idea of sex as a

currencyexchangedforsecuritybothfinancialandphysical,socialacceptance,and

the other perks traditionally granted to people who have achieved the culturally

mandatedstateoflifelongpair-bonding.Ifyoubelievethismyth,you’relikelyto

seesexforfun,forpleasure,forexploration—foranypurposeexceptcementingtwo

peopletogether—asimmoralandsociallydestructive.

MYTH#5:LOVINGSOMEONEMAKESITOKAYTOCONTROLTHEIR

BEHAVIOR.

Thiskindofterritorialreasoningisdesigned,weguess,tomakepeoplefeelsecure,

but we don’t believe that anybody has the right, much less the obligation, to

controlthebehaviorofanotherfunctioningadult.Beingtreatedaccordingtothis

mythdoesn’tmakeusfeelsecure—itmakesusfeelfurious.Theold“Awww,she’s

jealous—she must really care about me” reasoning is symptomatic of a very

disturbedsetofpersonalboundariesthatcanleadtoagreatdealofunhappiness.

MYTH#6:JEALOUSYISINEVITABLEANDIMPOSSIBLETO

OVERCOME.

Jealousyis,withoutadoubt,averycommonexperience,somuchsothataperson

whodoesn’texperiencejealousyislookedatasabitoddorindenial.Butoftena

situationthatwouldcauseintensejealousyforonepersoncanbenobigdealfor

another. Some people get jealous when their honey takes a sip out of someone

else’sCoke,whileothershappilywatchtheirbelovedwavebye-byeforamonthof

amoroussportingwithafriendatthefarendofthecountry.

Some people also believe that jealousy is such a shattering emotion that they

havenochoicebuttosuccumbtoit.Peoplewhobelievethisoftenbelievethatany

formofnonmonogamyshouldbenonconsensualandcompletelysecret,inorderto

protect the “betrayed” partner from having to feel such an impossibly difficult

emotion.

Onthecontrary,wehavefoundthatjealousyis anemotionlikeanyother:it

feelsbad(sometimesverybad),butitisnotintolerable.Wehavealsofoundthat

many of the “oughta-be’s” that lead to jealousy can be unlearned, and that

unlearning them is often a useful, sometimes even profoundly healing, process.

Laterinthisbook,wewillspendalotmoretimetalkingaboutjealousyandthe

strategiespeopleemploytocopewithit.

MYTH#7:OUTSIDEINVOLVEMENTSREDUCEINTIMACYINTHE

PRIMARYRELATIONSHIP.

Mostmarriagecounselors,andcertainpopularTVpsychologists,believethatwhen

amemberofanotherwisehappycouplehasan“affair,”thismustbeasymptomof

unresolvedconflictorunfulfilledneedsthatshouldbedealtwithintheprimary

relationship. This is occasionally true, but not nearly as often as many

“relationshipgurus”wouldlikeustobelieve.Themythtellsusthatsleepingwith

someoneelseissomethingyoudotoyourpartner,notforyourself,andistheworst

thing you can possibly do to your partner. This myth leaves no room for the

possibilityofgrowthfulandconstructiveopensexuallifestyles.

Itiscruelandinsensitivetointerpretanaffairasasymptomofsicknessinthe

relationship, as it leaves “cheated-on” partners—who may already be feeling

insecure—wonderingwhatiswrongwiththem.Meanwhile,“cheating”partnersget

toldthattheyareonlytryingtogetbackattheirprimarypartnersanddon’treally

want,need,orevenliketheirlovers.

Manypeoplehavesexoutsidetheirprimaryrelationshipsforreasonsthathave

nothing to do with any inadequacy in their partner or in the relationship. The

new relationship may simply be a natural extension of an emotional and/or

physical attraction to someone besides the primary partner. Or perhaps this

outside relationship allows a particular kind of connection that the primary

partnerdoesn’tevenwant(suchaskinkysexorgoingtofootballgames)andthus

constitutes a solution for an otherwise intractable conflict. Or perhaps it meets

otherneeds—likeaneedforuncomplicatedphysicalsexwithoutthetrappingsof

relationshiporforsexwithsomeoneofagenderotherthanone’spartner’sorfor

sexatatimewhenitisotherwisenotavailable(duringtravelorapartner’sillness,

forexample).

Anoutsideinvolvementdoesnothavetosubtractinanywayfromtheintimacy

yousharewithyourpartnerunlessyouletit.Andwesincerelyhopeyouwon’t.

MYTH#8:LOVECONQUERSALL.

Hollywood tells us that “love means never having to say you’re sorry,” and we,

fools that we are, believe it. This myth has it that if you’re really in love with

someone, you never have to argue, disagree, communicate, negotiate, or do any

otherkindofwork.Italsotellsusthatlovemeansweautomaticallygetturnedon

by our beloved and that we never have to lift a finger or make any effort to

deliberately kindle passion. Those who believe this myth may find themselves

feelingthattheirlovehasfailedeverytimetheyneedtoscheduleadiscussionor

have a courteous (or not-so-courteous) disagreement. They may also believe that

anysexualbehaviorthatdoesn’tfittheircriteriafor“normal”sex—fromfantasies

tovibrators—is“artificial”andindicatesthatsomethingislackinginthequalityof

theirlove.

“Weencourageyoutoseekyourowntruthsonyourwaytosluttybliss.”

StepstoaFreerParadigm

Sointhisslightlydisorientingworldofsluthood,inwhicheverythingyourmom,

yourminister,yourspouse,andyourtelevisionevertoldyouisprobablywrong,

how do you find new beliefs that support your new lifestyle? Letting go of old

paradigms can leave you in a scary emptiness, your stomach churning as if you

wereinfreefall.Youdon’tneedtheoldmyths,butwhatwillyouhaveinstead?We

encourageyoutoseekyourowntruthsonyourwaytosluttybliss,butjustincase

youcoulduseahintortwo,thenextchapterwillcontainsomeoftheonesthat

haveworkedwellforus.

Sluthood:TheNextGeneration

Weareawarethatsomeofthereadersofthistwentieth-anniversaryeditionareyoungerthan

the book they’re perusing. Moreover, some of this new generation of ethical sluts are the

children,orevengrandchildren,ofpeoplewhohavebeenexperimentingwithalternativesexual

andrelationshipstylesfordecades.

Whenwetalktofolksintheirteensandtwentiesabouttheirsexualityandhowitdiffersfrom

thatofpreviousgenerations,theycitesomeissuesthatwearehappytohear:

• “Consentisalanguage,andourgenerationspeaksitfluently.Becausewespeakmore

openly about issues of abuse and trauma—both in our personal past and our cultural

past—we’remoreawareoftriggersandhowtheywork(aidedbyrecentyears’improved

scientificunderstandingoftheneurophysiologyoftrauma).Wetendtoerronthesideof

caution,choosingtobecarefulaboutnotimpingingonothers’triggers.”

• “We’re much more open to gender fluidity and experimentation with gender. Because

we’renottoointobinarygender,there’salsoalotofblurringaroundtheideaofsexual

orientation,andtheolddefinitionsaremorphingintoageneralcategoryof‘queerness.’ ”

• “Ecosexisthenewparadigmformanypeopleourage:takingtheEarthasourpowerful

loverandtreatingherhugeenergieswithgentlenessandrespect.”

• “We’re more aware of issues of intersectionality, the ways that different categories of

historicaloppressionaffectoneanother.Weseemanytraditionalwaysofapproaching

oppressionas potentiallyproblematic:forexample,traditionalfeminismand traditional

gayliberationmay notrecognizetheissuesofpeopleofcolor.We’realsomuchmore

sensitivetoissuesofculturalappropriation.”

• “Becausewe’reapost-AIDSgeneration,we’vedecenteredpenilepenetrationas‘real’sex

andare interestedindevelopingourskillsinoutercourseandotherlow-riskbehaviors.

Ontheotherhand,welookatthegenerationthatlivedthroughAIDS,anditseemsthat

their lives were deepened and made more spiritual by that awful struggle. We haven’t

hadtodealwithanythinglikethat,anditmakesusverydifferent.”

• “We look at older politicians who are trying to ban abortion, restrict birth control, and

outlawsexwork,anditjustdoesn’tmakeanysensetous.Ourbodiesareourown,and

onlyweshouldgettodecidewhathappenstoourownbody.Weseethecontrollingof

bodies as fundamental to capitalism and that taking the locus of control back into

ourselves will help us join together to overturn patriarchy and capitalism for a more

humanewayoflife.”

• “We’ve grown up in a world where no consensual sexual or relationship behavior is

considered‘wrong.’We’veseenkinky,queer, andpolyfamiliesontelevision andin the

newspapers, and we want to live in a way that empowers us to try a little bit of

everything,keepingwhatworksfornowandleavingourselvesopentootheroptionsin

thefuture.”

Your authorsare thrilledtoanticipatethebravenewworldthatwillbecreatedbythisnew

generationofexplorativeandself-awarepeople.

OURBELIEFS

Weareethicalpeople,ethicalsluts.Itisveryimportanttoustotreatpeoplewell

and todoourbestnottohurtanyone.Ourethics comefromourownsenseof

rightnessandfromtheempathyandloveweholdforthosearoundus.Itisnot

okay to hurt another person because then we hurt, too, and we don’t feel good

about ourselves. We don’t want to live in a world where people treat each other

withcallousdisregard.

Ethicalslutdomcanbeachallengingpath:wedon’thaveapolyamorousMiss

Mannerstellingushowtodoourthingcourteouslyandrespectfully,sowehaveto

make it up as we go along. However, being a slut doesn’t mean simply doing

whateveryouwant,wheneveryouwant,withwhomeveryouwant.

Mostofourcriteriaforethicsarequitepragmatic:Isanyonebeingharmed?Is

there any way to avoid causing that harm? Is anyone feeling hurt? How can we

supportthem?Arethereanyrisks?Iseverybodyinvolvedawareofthoserisksand

doingwhatcanbedonetominimizethem?

Onthepositiveside:Howmuchfunisthis?Whatiseverybodylearningfrom

it?Isithelpingsomeonegrow?Isithelpingmaketheworldabetterplace?

Firstandforemost,ethicalslutsvalueconsent. When we use this word—andwe

will,often,throughoutthisbook—wemeananactivecollaborationforthebenefit,

well-being, and pleasure of all persons concerned. If someone is being coerced,

bullied, blackmailed, manipulated, lied to, or ignored, what is happening is not

consensual.Andsexthatisnotconsensualisnotethical—period.

Ethicalslutsarehonest—withourselvesandothers.Wetaketimewithourselves

tofigureoutourownemotionsandmotivationsandtountanglethemforgreater

claritywhennecessary.Then,settingasideanybashfulnesswemayfeel,weopenly

sharethatinformationwiththosewhoneedit.

Ethical sluts recognize the ramifications of our sexual choices. We see that our

emotions, our upbringings, and the standards of our culture often conflict with

oursexualdesires.Andwemakeaconsciouscommitmenttosupportingourselves

andourpartnersaswedealwiththoseconflictshonestlyandhonorably.

Wedonotallowoursexualchoicestohaveanunnecessaryimpactonthosewho

havenotconsentedtoparticipate.Wearerespectfulofothers’feelings,andwhenwe

aren’tsurehowsomeonefeels,weask.

Ethical sluts recognize the difference between things they can and should

controlandthingstheycan’t.Whilewesometimesmayfeeljealousorterritorial,

we own those feelings, doing our best not to blame or control but asking for the

supportweneedtohelpourselvesfeelsafeandcaredfor.

Don’tpanic—therestofthisbookisabouthowyoucanlearntobesuchafine

sexy grown-up. Your authors are here to help. Here are a few of the ideas and

beliefsthathavehelpedusgethereandmighthelpyou,too.

RethinkingSex

Areyouhavingsexrightnow?Yes,youare,andsoarewe.

Perhaps you’re looking around you in bewilderment: You still have your

clothingon,andmaybeyou’resittinginarestaurantoracrowdedbus.Howcould

youbehavingsex?

We think that the question of when you’re having sex is actually sort of

meaningless.Sexualenergypervadeseverythingallthetime;weinhaleitintoour

lungs and exude it from our pores. While it’s easy to determine whether or not

you’reengaginginaparticularsexualactivityatanygiventime—neitheryounor

weareprobablyhavingintercourseatthismoment—theideaofsexassomething

setaside,adiscrete,definableactivitylikedrivingacar,justdoesn’tholdupvery

well.

Wethinkeroticenergyiseverywhere—inthedeepbreaththatfillsourlungsas

westepoutintoawarmspringmorning,inthecoldwaterspillingovertherocks

in a brook, in the creativity that drives us to paint pictures and tell stories and

makemusicandwritebooks,inthelovingtendernesswefeeltowardourfriends

andrelativesandchildren.Inourcombinedthree-quartersofacenturyofworkas

sexwritersandeducators,we’vefoundthatthemorewelearnaboutsex,thelesswe

knowabouthowtodefineit,sonowwejustsaythetruthasweknowit:sexispart

ofeverything.

Right now, we’re writing about sex, and you’re reading what we have to say

aboutit.You’rehavingsexwithus!Wasitgoodforyou?Itsurehasbeenforus.

Morepragmatically,wehavehadlong,intenseintimateconversationsthatfelt

deeply sexualtous.Andwehave hadintercourse thatdidn’tfeelterribly sexual.

Ourbestdefinitionisthatsexiswhateverthepeopleengaginginitthinkitis.For

somepeople,spankingissex.Forothers,wearingagarterbeltandstockingsissex.

If you and anybody else involved feel sexual when you eat ice cream sundaes

together,that’s sex—foryou.Whilethis may sound sillynow,it’s aconcept that

willcomeinhandylaterinthisbookwhenwediscussmakingagreementsabout

oursexualbehaviors.

“You’rehavingsexwithus!Wasitgoodforyou?Itsurehasbeenforus.”

Denialvs.Fulfillment

Dossie’sbachelor’sthesiswascalled“SexIsNiceandPleasureIsGoodforYou.”

Evenifanygivenpersondoesn’tfindsextobeniceforthematthistimeintheir

lives,webelievethatshame-freeaccesstoallsorts ofconsensualsexisextremely

nicefortheworldinwhichwealllive.Thisideaisasradicalnow,inthetwenty-

firstcentury,asitwasbackinthe1970swhenDossiefirstwroteaboutit.

Ourcultureplacesaveryhighvalueonself-denial,whichisfinewhenthereis

hardworktobedone.Butalltoooften,thosewhounapologeticallysatisfytheir

desireforpleasureintheirutterlyfreetimeareseenasimmature,disgusting,even

sinful.Sinceweallhavedesires,puritanicalvaluesleadinevitablytoself-loathing,

hatredofourbodiesandourturn-ons,andfearandguiltoveroursexualurges.

Weseeourselvessurroundedbythewalkingwounded—bypeoplewhohavebeen

deeply injured by fear, shame, and hatred of their own sexual selves. We believe

thathappy,free,guiltlessconnectionisthecureforthesewounds;webelievethat

sexandintimacyarevitaltopeople’ssenseofself-worth,totheirbeliefthatlifeis

good.

YouDon’tNeedaReason

Ifyouwalkuptoarandomlyselectedindividualandproposethatsexisniceand

pleasureisgoodforyou,youwillprobablyhearalotofspluttering,argument,and

“yeah-buts”—STDs, unwanted pregnancies, rape, the commodification of sexual

desire,andsoon.Noneofthesechangesthecoreidea.

There is nothing in the world so terrific that it can’t be abused if you’re

determined to do so: familial connections can be violated, sexual desire can be

manipulated. Even chocolate can be abused. Abuse doesn’t change the basic

wonderfulness of any of these things: the danger lies in the motivation of the

abuser,notthenatureoftheitem.

If there were no such thing as sexually transmitted disease, if nobody got

pregnant unless they wanted to, if all sex were consensual and pleasurable, how

wouldtheworldfeelaboutitthen?Howwouldyoufeel? Ifyoulookdeepinside

yourself, you may find bits and pieces of sex-negativism, often hiding behind

judgmentalwordslikepromiscuous,hedonistic,decadent,andnotproductive.

Even peoplewho considerthemselves sex-positive andsexually liberated often

fallintoadifferenttrap—thetrapofrationalizingsex.Releasingphysicaltension,

relieving menstrual cramps, maintaining mental health, preventing prostate

problems, making babies, cementing relationships, and so on are all admirable

goals,andwonderfulsidebenefitsofsex.Buttheyarenotwhatsexisfor.People

have sex because it feels very good, and then they feel good about themselves.

Pleasure is a complete and worthwhile goal in and of itself: the worthiness of

pleasureisoneofthecorevaluesofethicalsluthood.

LoveandSexAretheEnd,NottheMeans

Our monogamy-centrist culture tends to assume that the purpose and ultimate

goal of all relationships—and all sex—is lifelong pair-bonding, and that any

relationshipthatfallsshortofthatgoalhasfailed.

We,on the otherhand,think sexualpleasurecancertainly contribute tolove,

commitment,andlong-termstability,ifthat’swhatyouwant.Butthosearehardly

theonlygoodreasonsforhavingsex.Webelieveinvaluingrelationshipsforwhat

wevalueinthem,aseemingtautologythatiswiserthanitsounds.

A relationship may be valuable simply because it affords pleasure to those

involved;thereisnothingwrongwithsexforsex’ssake.Oritmightinvolvesexas

apathwaytootherlovelythings—intimacy,connection,companionship,evenlove

—whichinnowaychangesthebasicgoodnessofthepleasurablesex.

A sexualrelationship may last foranhour ortwo.It’s still arelationship: the

participantshaverelatedtooneanother—assexpartners,companions,lovers—for

thedurationoftheirinteraction.

One-nightstandscanbeintense,lifeenhancing,andfulfilling;socanlifetime

love affairs. While ethical sluts may choose to have some kinds of relationships

and not others, we believe that all relationships have the potential to teach us,

moveus,and,aboveall,giveuspleasure.

Dossie remembers an interview with a young flower child back in 1967 who

made the most succinct statement of ethical sluthood we’ve ever heard: “We

believe it’s okay to have sex with anybody you love, and we believe in loving

everybody.”

YouAreAlreadyWhole

Webelievethatthefundamentalsexualunitisoneperson;addingmorepeopleto

that unit may be intimate, fun, and companionable but does not complete

anybody.Theonlythinginthisworldthatyoucancontrolisyourself—yourown

reactions,desires,andbehaviors.Thus,afundamentalstepinethicalsluthoodisto

bringyourlocusofcontrolintoyourself,torecognizethedifferencebetweenwhat

is yours to control and what belongs to other people. With practice, you can

becomeabletocompleteyourself—that’swhywecallthis“integrity.”

When you have built a satisfying relationship with yourself, then you have

somethingofgreatworthtosharewithothers.

“The only thing in this world that you can control is yourself—your own

reactions,desires,andbehaviors.”

AbundanceIsEntirelyAvailable

Manypeoplebelieve,explicitlyorimplicitly,thatourcapacitiesforlove,intimacy,

andconnectionarefinite,thatthereisneverenoughtogoaround,andthatifyou

givesometooneperson,youmustbetakingsomeawayfromanother.

Wecallthisbeliefa“starvationeconomy.”Manyofuslearnedtothinkthisway

inchildhood,fromparentswhohadinsufficientaffectionorattentionforus,so

welearnedthatthereisonlyalimitedamountofloveintheworldandwehaveto

fightforwhateverweget,sometimesincutthroatcompetitionwithoursiblings.

People who operate from starvation economies can become very possessive

aboutthepeople,things,andideasthatmattertothem.Theyseethewholeworld

inthatlimitedlight,sothatanythingtheygetcomesfromasmallpoolof“not-

enough” and must thus be taken from someone else—and, similarly, anything

anyoneelsegetsmustbesubtractedfromthem.

It is important to distinguish between starvation economies and real-world

limits. Time, for example, is a real-world limit: even the most dedicated slut has

onlytwenty-fourhourseveryday.Loveisnotareal-worldlimit:themotherofnine

childrencanloveeachofthemasmuchasthemotherofanonlychildlovesher

one.

Our belief is that the human capacity for sex and love and intimacy is far

greater than most people think—possibly infinite—and that having a lot of

satisfying connections simply makes it possible for you to have a lot more.

Imaginewhatitwouldfeelliketoliveinanabundanceofsexandlove,tofeelthat

you had all of both that you could possibly want, free of any feelings of

deprivationorneediness.Imaginehowstrongyouwouldfeelifyougottoexercise

your“lovemuscles”thatmuchandhowmuchloveyouwouldhavetogive!

OpennessCanBetheSolution,NottheProblem

Issexualadventurousnesssimplyawaytoavoidintimacy?Notordinarily,inour

experience.Whileitiscertainlypossibletomisuseyour outsiderelationshipsto

avoidproblems,ortoreduceintimacywithyourlifepartner,wedonotagreethat

this pattern is inevitableor evencommon.Many people, in fact,findthattheir

outside relationships can increase their intimacy with their primary partner by

reducingthepressuresonthatrelationship.

Thischaptercontainssomeofourbeliefs.Yougettohavebeliefsofyourown.

Whatmatters isnotthatyouagree with us butthatyouquestion the prevailing

paradigmanddecideforyourselfwhatyoubelieve.Exerciseyourjudgment—isn’t

exercisesupposedtomakeyoustronger?Thousandsandthousandsofethicalsluts

areprovingeverydaythattheold“everybodyknows”mythsdon’thavetobetrue.

Weencourageyoutoexploreyourownrealitiesandcreateyourownlegend,one

thatspurs youonwardinyourevolution,supports youas yougrow,andreflects

yourprideandhappinessinallyourrelationships.

OnLove

Asourrelationshipsblossomallovertherainbowofpossibility,eachonemayinspiredifferent

feelingsoflove.Whenwelearntorecognizeandwelcomeloveaswefinditinourheartsand

in all of its many and marvelous manifestations—sexual love, familial love, friendly love,

passionate love, gentle love, overwhelming love, caretaking love, and millions of others—we

discover a river of nourishment that can flow through our lives in a constantly replenishing

stream.

Butlikearealriver,thissourcecancontainmanycurrents.Thewaytofeelsolidenoughto

swiminthatever-changingriveristolearntoloveyourself.Somepeoplebelievethattolove

yourselfisselfishandtospendsomepartofyourlifefocusingonyourselfisnarcissistic.This

questionismoreeasilyansweredbydoingthanbythinking.Webelievethatself-nurturingcan

getyouthrough hardtimes andguide youintoalovingrelationshipwith yourself. Whenyou

followthroughwithasimpleactlikecomfortingyourselfwithhomemadesoup,spendingtime

deep ina beloved book, ortaking a sweetsolitarywalkina beautiful place, then yougetan

experienceofbeingkindtoyourselfthatcananswerallthosequestionsabout“Whatdothey

mean,lovemyself?”

Another way of discovering self-love is to go love someone else. If you have a hard time

feelingvaluablewhennooneisaroundtotellyou thatyou are, thenwhynotdosomething

that is valuable to others? Many unhappy sluts with no date this weekend have gone off to

serve dinner to the homeless at a local church and come back filled to the brim with good

feelingaboutallthepleasuretheywereabletogive.

Once youhaveahandleonlovingyourself,youcanpracticesharing that lovewithothers.

You’ve probably been taught to reserve the language of love for when you’re feeling

overwhelminglytenderandpassionateandonlyforthosewhohavemadehugecommitments

toyou.Maybeyou’vebeentaughtthatusingthe“L-word”implies thatyou aremaking some

largecommitments.Wouldn’titbebettertoaskourselveshowweloveanyparticularperson

ratherthanworryingaboutwhetherwedoornot?

Imaginehowyou’dfeelifallthepeoplewhocareaboutyoumadeapracticeoftellingyou

so. Imagine what the world would be like if we allowed ourselves to recognize and

acknowledgeandcommunicateallthesweetfeelings,tomakethelittlegesturesthatmaynot

belifechangingorpassionatebutthatneverthelessmakelifeworthwhile.

SLUTSTYLES

Ethicalsluthoodisahousewithalotofrooms:itshelterseveryonefromhappy

celibatestoecstaticorgiastsandbeyond.Inthischapter,we’lltalkaboutthemany

stylesofsluthoodthathaveworkedforus,forthepeopleweknow,andforhappy

slutsthroughouthistory.Whetherornotanyofthesescenariosfitsyou,wehope

theywillofferyousomeideasaboutwheretostartyourexplorationorperhapsthe

validationofknowingthatthereareotherslikeyououtthere.

RelationshipPioneers

Althoughthephrase“ethicalslut”isrelativelynew—Dossiecoineditin1995—the

practice is not. Cultural acceptance of practices outside monogamy has roller-

coastered up and down from acceptance to stern rejection, but regardless of the

opinions of church and state, there have always been those who have found

happinessandgrowthinsexualopenness.

ANCIENTCULTURES

You could spend your life as a cultural anthropologist trying to describe the

innumerable ways that human beings have chosen to be together sexually,

romantically,anddomestically—fromthetempleprostitutesofancientBabylonto

Mormonpolygynyandfar,farbeyond.So,ratherthantryingtolistthemall,we

justwanttonotethattheprevailingculturalvaluesthattwenty-first-centuryNorth

AmericainheritedfromEuropeseemtodatebacktotheRomanEmpireandto

early Christianity, which recommended monogamous marriage only for those

whocouldn’t manage celibacy, the ideal state. Cultures without those influences

have developed all sorts of ways for people to bond—polygyny (many wives),

polyandry (manyhusbands),groupmarriage,arrangementsin whichmarriage is

fundamentally a domestic business relationship and sexual dalliance takes place

elsewhere, ritual group sex, and pretty much any other configuration of human

heartsandgenitalsthatyoucanimagine.

UTOPIANSEXUALCOMMUNITIES

History is dotted with experiments in creating intentional sexual utopias, often

withaphilosophical orreligiousbasis:ifyou’re curious,read upontheOneida

community of nineteenth-century Ohio (or see the sidebar); Rajneeshpuram in

India(fromthelate1960s)andOregon(inthe1980s);andKeristainNewYork,

Belize,andSanFranciscofromtheearly1960sthroughthe1990s…tonamejusta

few. Such communities are usually built by one leader and may falter when the

leader is no longer available. However, their philosophies live on, adding new

visions and practices to the mainstream culture. Many practitioners of Western

tantra today, for example, can trace their practice to the teachings of Oshō, the

guidingspiritbehindRajneeshpuram.

ARTISTSANDFREETHINKERS

It’s easy to point to artists and writers who have built their lives around

intentional exploration of alternative relationships. If you’re curious about the

ways in which these relationships played out in times when there was even less

support than there is now, you can read up on the Bloomsbury group in early

twentieth-centuryEnglandandaboutfreethinkerslikeVitaSackville-West,Harold

Nicholson, George Sand, H. G. Wells, Simone de Beauvoir, Alfred Kinsey, and

EdnaSt.VincentMillay.Whatwecan’tknowishowmanynonwriterswerealso

buildingthekindofsexuallyopenlivesthatworkedforthem,becausethereareno

records of such lives. We feel safe in supposing, though, that a significant

minority of people have always gotten their needs met through ethical

multipartnerliving.

THELOVEGENERATION

Dossiecameofagesurroundedbytheutopianconceptsofthe1960s,andJanetdid

shortlyafterward;bothofushavebeengreatlyinfluencedbythosedaysofradical

exploration.Manyidealsofthatera—nonconformity,explorationofalteredstates

of consciousness, equality of race and gender, ecological awareness, political

activism,opennessaboutsexuality,and,yes,thepossibilityofethicalandloving

nonmonogamy—havepermeatedthegreaterculture.Wedoubtthatwecouldhave

writtenthisbookorpublisheditinthe1950s,soifyou’rereadingandenjoying

TheEthicalSluttoday,thankahippie.

SluthoodToday

Slutscomeinallthevariousformsandstylesthathumanscomein:inallcultures,

from all parts of the world, of all religions and lifestyles, rich and poor, with

formalandinformaleducation.

“Wedoubtthatwecouldhavewrittenthisbookorpublisheditinthe1950s,so

ifyou’rereadingandenjoyingTheEthicalSluttoday,thankahippie.”

Most of us today live in communities of nonsluts, with only occasional or

limited contact with other people who share our values: some groups host

conferences, meetups, munches, conventions, and parties, all of which can

mitigateisolation,facilitatetheexchangeofinformationandsupport,andexpand

theirmembers’intimatecircles.Theseconferencesareveryimportantinbringing

sexualundergroundsintotheviewofthosewhoarelookingforthemandbuilding

institutionsabovegroundthatcanbettersupporttheirmembers.Otherslutsdrop

out of mainstream culture to live in communities composed of people whose

valuesareliketheirown.

A slut living in mainstream, monogamy-centrist culture in the twenty-first

centurycanlearnagreatdealfromstudyingothercultures,otherplaces,andother

times:you’renottheonlyoneintheworldwhohasevertriedthis,itcanwork,and

othershavedoneitwithoutharmingthemselves,theirlovers,theirkids—without,

in fact, doing anything except enjoying themselves and each other. If you go

onlineandsearchfor“polyamory”plusthenameofyourcity,you’llbesurprised

how much shows up, even if you live in what you thought was a conservative

community.

Pioneering sexual subcultures with extensive documented and undocumented

histories include communities of gay men and of lesbian women, trans groups,

bisexuals, asexuals, the leather communities, the swing communities, and some

spiritually definedsubcultures of pagans,modern primitives,tantratemples,and

RadicalFaeries.Andthat’sjustintheUnitedStates.Evenifyoudon’tbelongto

anyofthesesexuallyorientedcommunities,it’sworthtakingalookatthemfor

what they can teach us about our own options through the ways they have

developedofbeingsexual,ofcommunicatingaboutbeingsexual,andoflivingin

social and family structures that are alternatives to sex-negative traditions in

America.

Dossie’s favorite dance club in 1970 was a remarkable miniculture of

polymorphousperversity.Sheremembers:

TheOmni,shortfor“omnisexual,”wasasmallNorthBeachbarwhosepatrons

weremenandwomen,straight,gay,lesbian,bisexual,andoftentransgender.

Thesexualvalueswereveryopen,fromhippiefreelovefreakstosexindustry

professionals,andmostofuscametheretodancelikewildwomenandcruise

likecrazy.

Thankstothelargetransgenderfaction,therewasnowayofpigeonholinga

personintoyourcategoriesofdesire.Youmightdancewithsomeoneyou

foundveryattractiveandnotknowiftheywerechromosomallymaleorfemale.

It’sdifficulttogetattachedtopreferenceslikelesbianorstraightwhenyoudon’t

knowthegenderofthepersonyouareflirtingwith.

Theresultsweresurprising:IpatronizedtheOmnibecauseitwasthesafest

environmentavailabletome.Becausetherewasnowaytomakeassumptions,

peoplehadtotreateachotherwithrespect.Andifyouwere,asIwas,ayoung

womaninyourtwenties,tobeapproachedwithrespectwasamostwelcome

relieffromstraightsocialenvironmentswhereitwascustomaryformento

provetheirmanhoodbycomingontoostrong.

Sinceweseesomeoftheproblemsinattainingafreeandopenexpressionof

our own individual sexuality as having to do with living in a sex-role-bound

culture, we have found it useful to learn from people who have shifted the

boundaries of what it means to be male or female, or what it means to choose

partners of the same or opposite sex or with ways of approaching sex that go

beyondthegenital.Thinkingaboutdifferentwaysoflivingandlovingcanhelpus

asweconsiderwhetherwewanttochangeanythingabouthowwegoaboutliving

asmen,women,and/orsomewhereinbetween.

LESBIANWOMEN

Inthelesbiancommunity,wegettolookatwhathappensinaworldconsisting

almostentirelyofthosewhoidentifyaswomen.Forwomen,relationshipscanget

confused with their sense of identity, especially because our culture in its most

tradition-boundformhardly allows women anyindependentsenseofidentityat

all. Thus,many women,whomay havebeen raisedtobelieve thattheiridentity

depends on their partnered status, act as if they would lose their entire sense of

themselves without their relationship. Themostcommon relationshipsequence,

asweseeitmagnifiedinthelesbiancommunity,istheformofnonmonogamy

known as serial monogamy. Often the connection to the partner of the future

precedesthebreakupwiththepartnerofthepast,withaccompanyingdramathat

presumablyfeelssaferthanthevast,empty,unknown,andterrifyingidentityvoid

ofbeingawomanlivingasasinglehumanbeing.

Younger lesbians are questioning these traditions, and often that questioning

includeslookingintononmonogamyasawaytoformlessinsularrelationships.

Lesbian polyamory is characterized by a lot of serious thoughtfulness and

attentiontoconsentandthusbytremendousopennessaboutprocessingfeelings,

anareainwhichthewomen’scommunityexcels.

Ourlesbiansistersalsohavealottoteachusaboutnewwaysofdevelopinga

woman’sroleassexualinitiator.Inheterosexualculture,menhavebeenassigned

thejobofinitiatorandtrainedtobesexuallyaggressive.Intheworldofwomen

whorelatesexuallytootherwomen,itrapidlybecomesapparentthatifweallsee

ourselves asSleeping Beauties waiting for Princess Charming to come along, we

mightindeedhavetowaitahundredyears.

Women’sstyleofcomingon—whenshynessdoesn’tgetintheway—tendstobe

forthright, with respect for consent, and is unlikely to be intrusive or pushy, as

many women have had too much experience with being violated to want to go

downthatroad.Womenhavestrongconcernsaboutsafetyandsotendtomove

slowlyandannouncetheirintentions.Theymaybeshyintheseductivestagesand

bolderoncewelcomehasbeensecured.Womenoftenwantexplicitpermissionfor

eachspecific act,sotheir communication could serve asanexcellent role model

fornegotiatedconsent.

Wewouldliketodrawyourattentiontoanotherilluminatingdifferenceabout

sex between women. A sexual encounter between two women rarely involves the

expectation of simultaneous orgasm, as many people believe penis-vagina

intercourse should, so women have become expertsattakingturns.Lesbians are

world-class experts on sensuality and outercourse, those wonderful forms of

sexualitythatdonotrelyonpenilepenetration.Whenpenetrationisdesired,the

focusisonwhatworksforthepartners:wehaveyettomeetadildothatgothung

uponitsownneeds.Andyougettochoosewhateversizeandshapeyouwant!

GAYMEN

Thegaymalecommunityreflectssomeofthetraditionalimagesofmalesexuality

inintensifiedform.Whilesomegaymenareinterestedinlong-termrelationships

andsettlingdown,othershavesetrecordsasworld-classsluts.Thegaybathsarethe

ultimate role model of friendly group sex environments and easy sexual

connectionforitsownsake.

Gaymalesex,asarule,startsfromapresumptionofequalpower,withoutthe

dynamic of overpowering and withholding that often pervades male/female

interactions. Thus, men do not generally try to get consent from each other by

manipulationandpressuring:astraightforwardapproachmeetsaneasyresponse

andnoneedtoaskthreetimes.Gaymengiveeachotheralotofcreditforbeing

abletosayno,andformeaningitwhentheysayit—thismakescomingonvery

simple, because you are never trying to sneak up on anybody and you are not

requiredtobesubtle.Itisalwaysokaytoask as long as itis okayforthe other

person to say no. This admirably simple approach to consent cannot be

recommendedtoohighly.

Meningeneralhavehadlessreasontofearsexualviolationthantheirsisters.

Althoughitistrue,andterrible,thatboysdogetmolestedandmendogetraped,

men seem to have more confidence than women in their power to protect

themselves. Men also tend to get a lot of cultural support for being sexual. So,

although the forbiddenness of homosexuality may give many gay men a lot of

questions (about being okay or having something wrong with them or having

other forms of internalized homophobia), this is less often reflected in sexual

dysfunction.Gaymenasagrouparereallygoodatfindingoutwhatfeelsgoodto

them.

Gaymenhaveestablishedmostofourunderstandingofsafersex.Inthefaceof

theAIDSepidemic,wheremanypeoplemighthaveretreatedintosex-negativity,

thegaycommunityhelditsgroundandcontinuedtocreateenvironmentswhere

hot,creative,safersexcouldbelearnedandpracticed.

BISEXUALS/PANSEXUALS

Oftenstigmatizedas“gaysunwillingtorelinquishheterosexualprivilege”or“hets

taking a walk on the wild side,” bisexuals and pansexuals, starting back in the

1970s,havedevelopedtheirownforcefulvoiceandtheirowncommunities.

Somepeoplepreferthetermpansexualtobisexualbecausethey’reuncomfortable

withtheetymologyof“bisexual,”withitsimplicationofonlytwogenders.Welike

biactivistRobinOchs’sdefinition:“IcallmyselfbisexualbecauseIacknowledge

thatIhaveinmyselfthepotentialtobeattracted—romanticallyand/orsexually—to

peopleofmorethanonesexand/orgender,notnecessarilyatthesametime,not

necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.” Use

whichever term you feel more comfortable with, but be prepared to hear from

otherswhohavemadedifferentchoicesthanyours.

Lookingatthetheoryandpracticeofbisexuallifestylesoffersopportunitiesto

exploreourassumptions aboutthenature of sexualandromantic attractionand

behaviors.Somefolkshavehadsexonlywithmembersofonegenderbutknow

thattheyhavewithinthemselvestheabilitytoconnecteroticallyoremotionally

withmorethanonegenderandthusconsiderthemselvesbisexual.Othersmaybe

actively havingsex with someone ofagenderthatisnottheir usualchoiceand

stillconsiderthemselvesheterosexualorgay.Somebisexualspreferdifferenttypes

of interaction with different genders, while others consider themselves gender-

blind. Some can be sexual with any gender but romantic with only one, or vice

versa, and so on, throughout the universe of bisexual attractions and choices.

Bisexualschallengealotofourassumptionsaboutgender,andmanybisexualscan

tellyouwhatisdifferentforthembetweensexandrelationshipswithonegender

andwithanother.Thisinterestingandprivilegedinformationcanprovideallof

uswithnewstoriesaboutsexandgender.

Theincreasingvisibilityofbisexualityhasledtosomechallengestotraditional

definitions of sexual identity. Specifically, we are having to look at the fact that

oursexualattractionsmaysayonethingaboutus,whileoursexualbehaviorssay

another,andourgenderidentitysaysyetathird.Questionsliketheseareeating

awayatsomeofthetraditionalboundariesweplacearoundsexualidentity,much

tothedismayofpuristsofallorientations.Yourauthors,slutsthatweare,enjoy

this kind of fluidity and appreciate the opportunity to play as we like with

whoeverlooksgoodtouswithoutrelinquishingourfundamentalsenseofwhowe

are.

Janet’spathtowardhercurrentidentityasabisexualhasbeenaconfusingone:

itwasnearlyadecadeaftershebeganhavingsexwithwomenbeforeshestartedto

feelcomfortableusingthetermtodescribeherself:

Ifeltturnedoffbythetrendinessof“bisexualchic.”Andatthesametime,Iwas

hearingsomegenuinelycruelandignorantjudgmentsfrombothheterosexuals

andhomosexualsaboutbi’s.

Asaresult,itwasn’tuntilIknewforsurethatIwascapableofhavingboth

sexualandromanticfeelingsforbothmenandwomen—anduntilIfeltstrong

enoughtoclaimtheidentityinthefaceofallthosenegativejudgments—thatI

finallybegancallingmyself“bisexual.”

IlookbackonmylifenowandseethatI’vegenerallyexpressedmydomestic

urgestowardmenbutthatmyromanticandsexualfeelingsareaboutequally

likelytobeinspiredbyaman,awoman,orsomeoneinbetween.Thebisexual

communityalsooffersmoresupportthaneitherstraight-landorgay-landfor

myratherambiguousgenderpresentation:somedaysIliketowearredlipstick

andjewelryandotherdaysmen’strousersandoxfords.So“bisexual”isthe

identitythatfitsmebestandwhereIintendtostay.

HETEROSEXUALS

In bygone decades, there were few role models for heterosexual interaction in

mainstream culture: an Ozzie and Harriet household, monogamous, patriarchal,

andfocusedonconformityandchildrearing,waspresentedtousallasoursexual

andromanticideal.Yourauthorsareverygladtohaveoutlivedthisera.

Modernheterosexualityoffersaplethoraof optionsforhappy sluthood, from

long-term“vee”triads,wheretwopartnersarebothsexualwithone“hub”partner

butnotwitheachother,toorgiasticrecreationalsex—withlotsofpossibilitiesin

between,includingopenrelationships,triadsandquads,polypods,andintimate

extendedfamilieswesometimescallpolyculesorconstellations.(Janetimploresyou,

bytheway,nottoassumethatanycouplethatappearstobeamanandawomanis

infactaheterosexualcouple.Oneorbothofthemmaybebisexual,trans,orqueer

inanynumberofotherways.Asalways,ifyouwannaknow,yougottaask.)

Therehasbeenamajorchangeintheculturesincethelasteditionofthisbook:

now people of all genders can marry the person they love and raise a family

togetherifthat’swhattheywant.Whatthis meansis thatmany peoplearenow

looking to the accumulated wisdom of heterosexual sluts to figure out how to

reconcile their parenting obligations with their goals for their sexuality and

relationships.

It’s also worth noting that heterosexuals are perhaps subject to even more

gender-role-basedpressurethantherestofus.Sothoseheterofolkwhosomehow

managetobreakthroughthoseconfiningroles—whohavesucceededinbuilding

lives in which the man stays at home with the kids while the woman is the

breadwinner,orthewomancutsherhairshortandstompsaroundinheavy-soled

boots while the man struts his stuff in colorful silks and velvets, or who have

formedrankstoprotectkids whose genderpresentation isatypicalbutwhostill

needtofunctioninanotherwiseconventionallife—havemuchwisdomtoshare.

TRANSANDGENDERQUEERFOLKS

Trans andgenderqueer people form a variety of communities, all of which have

much to teach to those who are interested in transcending their gender-role

programming.Dossie,intheearlyyearsofherfeminism,foundfriendsandlovers

amongtranswomenwhobecameherwonderfulrolemodelsforhowtobefemale,

indeedoftenultra-feminine,andstillbeassertiveandpowerful.

Whatwecanalllearnfromourtransfriendsisthatgenderismalleable.From

peoplewhotakehormonestoexpressmaleorfemalegender,welearnabouthow

some behaviors and emotional states may be hormone-related. People who have

livedpartsoftheirlivesindifferentgendermodes,physiologicallyandculturally,

haveagreatdealtoteachusaboutwhatchangesaccordingtohormonesandwhat

does not, and what gender characteristics remain a matter of choice no matter

whatyourendocrinesystemsays.Genderqueerandnonbinarypeople—thosewho

choosetolivetheirlivessomewherebetweentheusualgenderroles—aresoftening

the boundaries of gender and demonstrating what life without binary gender

mightlooklike.

“Whatwecanalllearnfromourtransfriendsisthatgenderismalleable.”

Ifyouthinkthisdoesn’tapplytoyou,thatyouarecertainofyourgenderand

that it’s immutable, please consider that a great many people are born with

characteristicsofbothgenders:dependingonwhosedefinitionyouuse,anywhere

from two to seventeen babies out of a thousand are born with chromosomes

and/orgenitaliathatplace themsomewhere between theextremes of the gender

continuum. These conditions are collectively called intersex. Intersex support

organizations have arisen with the goals of preventing surgeries on infants to

make sure they conform to some gender or other, condemning them to a long

series of surgeries and hormone treatments. It appears that Mother (Father?)

Naturedoesn’tbelieveinonlytwogendersandneitherdoyourauthors.

Moreover,agreatmanypeoplewhosegenitalsandchromosomesarealllinedup

withbiologicalnormsnonethelessfeelstronglythattheywouldlivemorehappily

andappropriatelywhenpresentingasadifferentgenderthantheonethedoctor

assigned to them at birth; you may have such people among your friends and

familywithoutknowingit,unlesstheychoosetotellyou.

Transfolkscantellusalotabouthowdifferentlyotherpeopletreatyouwhen

theyseeyouasamanorasawoman.Perforce,theybecomeexpertsatlivingina

very hostile world. It takes a strong-minded person to stand up to our culture’s

rigidity about “real men” and “real women.” No other sexual minority is more

likely to suffer direct physical oppression in the form of queer-bashing. It was

mostly genderqueerpeople—butchwomen anddrag queens—whorebelledagainst

police brutality in the famous Stonewall riots of 1969 that initiated the gay

liberationmovement.

Since our last edition, there has been a lot of media coverage of transgender

people and enormous progress in acceptance of gender variance. Important

transgender legal rights are increasingly considered human rights. With the

support of mainstream pediatricians, in many places, children are allowed to

attend school in the gender they feel themselves to be. Famous people may

transitionpublicly,andarichlibraryoffilmsandtelevisionshowsarepresenting

fascinatingstoriesaboutlivesthattranscendgender.Transpeoplecanteachusa

lotaboutthedeterminationtobefree.

TANTRAANDSPIRITUALSEXPRACTITIONERS

Celibacyisnottheonlysexualpracticeofthespirituallyinclined.Earlyexamples

ofreligiouscommunitiesbasedonnonmonogamyincludedtheMormonChurch,

theOneidacommunity(seesidebar),thepracticesofmaithunaintantricyoga,and

the temple whores of the early Mediterranean goddess worshipers. Tantra as we

know it today is actually a Westernized form of classical tantric practice, which

uses breath, eye contact, and physical movement to attain altered states of high

eroticconsciousness;itistaughtinworkshopsinmostmajorcitiesandinmany

excellent books and videos. Other classical spiritual/sexual traditions have been

updatedforWesternconsumptioninpracticeslikeHealingTaoandQuodoushka.

PagansandRadicalFaeriescometogetherforfestivalsandgatheringstocelebrate

ancient sexual rites such as Beltane, or to make up their own rituals that are

appropriatetocurrentlifestyles,liketheopensexualityofFaeriegatheringsorthe

moresubtleeroticismofsacreddanceanddrumming.

Thesepractitionersunderstandthatsexisconnectedtothespiritual.Aswesaid

in The New Bottoming Book, “Every orgasm is a spiritual experience. Think of a

momentofperfectwholeness,ofyourselfinperfectunity,ofexpandedawareness

thattranscendsthesplitbetweenmindandbodyandintegratesallthepartsofyou

in ecstatic consciousness….When you bring spiritual awareness to your sexual

practice, you can become directly conscious of—connected to—that divinity that

alwaysflowsthroughyou….Forus,sexisalreadyanopportunitytoseeGod.”

KINK,LEATHER,ANDBDSM

Many cultural anthropologists believe that contemporary leather culture got its

startinthewakeofWorldWarII,broughthomebysoldierswhocamebackfrom

war with a taste for power and authority exerted by and for men. We note,

however,thatmanyformsofkinkyplaypredatethisphenomenonbycenturiesor

evenmillennia:theGreekphilosopherAristotleisknowntohaveenjoyedbeing

riddenlikeaponybyhisfemaleacquaintances,andsexualbondageisthesubject

ofJapaneseartdatingbacktotheseventeenthcentury.

Today’s kinksters offer tremendous knowledge of how eroticism can be

awakenedwithor withoutgoing for the genital,aswellas waystoplay withthe

outward appearance of inequality while staying well within the boundaries of

negotiatedconsent.Polyamoryandopenrelationshipsareverycommoninmost

kinkcommunities,asthechancesareslimoffindingonepartnerwhoisopento

allyourfantasiesandwhosecompanyyoucantolerateonanongoingbasis.Both

of your authors learned many of their sexual values and behaviors within the

kink/leather/BDSMcommunities.

SEXWORKERS

Despite what you might have learned from the TV or the tabloids, sex workers

reallyarenotalldesperatedrugaddicts,debasedvictims,orpredatorygolddiggers.

Many healthy and happy people work in the sex industry, doing essential and

positiveworkhealingthewoundsinflictedbyoursex-negativeculture.Weknow

them as friends, lovers, colleagues, writers, therapists, and educators, as well as

performersandartists.Thesefolkshaveagreatdealtoteachusaboutboundaries,

limit setting, communication, sexual negotiation, and ways to achieve growth,

connection,andfulfillmentoutsideatraditionalmonogamousrelationship.

Sex workers may be people who exchange genital sex for money, but

professionaldominants,porn performers,eroticdancers,phonesex andwebcam

providers,sacredintimates,sexualsurrogates,andmanyothereroticprofessionals

are also considered sex workers. Do not imagine that connections between sex

workers and clients are necessarily cold, impersonal, or degrading, or that only

losers frequent these businesses. Many client/sex worker relationships become a

sourceoftremendousconnection,warmth,andaffectionforbothpartiesandlast

manyyears.

CULTURALDIVERSITY

While we are looking at sexual diversity, let’s remember that we live in a

multiculturalsocietyandthateveryculturein our world,every subculture,every

ethnic culture, has its own ways ofcreating relationship,connecting in sex,and

buildingfamilies.Allarevalidandvaluable.

One of the great joys of living as a slut is the opportunity to make intimate

connections with people whose background is unlike your own. When you do

that, you will find yourself tripping, with some embarrassment, over a lot of

differences. This process can feel awkward, but every time it happens, you’ve

learnedsomethingnewabouthowpeoplegoaboutbeinghuman—perhapsjustthe

thingthatwaslackinginyourownculture.

It’s also worth remembering that many people, particularly those whose

differencesarevisible,feelsafestinthecommunitiestheygrewupinandmaybe

taking considerable risk by coming into a less diverse sexual environment. If

becoming an out-of-the-closet slut would shock your community of origin, you

mightwindupsacrificingthesafetyandacceptanceofhometojoinacommunity

wheremostpeopledon’tlooklikeyou.

Boundariesincommunication,connection,andrelationshipvaryfromculture

to culture. Personal distance differs enormously—they say you can recognize the

EuropeanAmericansataLatinAmericancocktailparty;they’retheoneswhoare

backing away from everyone who wants to talk to them because the Latin

Americanskeepsteppingtooclose.Volumevariestoo:someculturesvaluebeing

subduedandquiet,whileothersaredramaticallyexpressiveand,well,loud.

We recommend that you look for these differences and question your

judgments.Isthatpersonwhoseemstooloudactuallyabletobemoreexpressive

thanyou?Doesthatquietpersonnoticemore?What’stheintelligenceofaperson

who hasn’t read a lot of books but understands how your car or your computer

works?Whoarethesefriendly people whomakesexualpropositions openly and

enthusiasticallyandgetreallyconfusedwhenyouaccusethemofcomingontoo

strong?Maybethey’recountingonyoutosaynoifyoudon’twantto.Maybethey

havesomewaysofmakingconnectionthatyoucouldlearnfrom.

“Werecommendthatwhenyouareinthecompanyoftheunfamiliar,youlook

forunfamiliarwisdom.”

Itistragicthatsomanyofoursexualcommunitiesfailtowelcomepeoplefrom

thewholeworldofcultures,races,genders,orientations,andsexualities.Thoseof

uswhogrewup inaEuropean-descendedculturetoooftenexpectourfriends to

dealwithculturaldifferencesbyconformingtous.Whenyoulookatthepeople

aroundyouanddismissthem—or,worseyet,assumeyouknowallthereistoknow

about them—because of their skin color, gender, orientation, way of speaking,

modeofdress,religion,orcountryoforigin,you’llnevergettohearanyofthe

newandfascinatingthingsthosepeoplemighthavetosay.

Werecommendthatwhenyouareinthecompanyoftheunfamiliar,youlook

forunfamiliarwisdom.You’llfindlotsofit,anditwillmakeyouricher.

WhatCanYouLearn?

Ifthinkingaboutallthismakesyoukindofnervous,whatyouareexperiencingis

howthreateningitfeelswhenthecustomaryboundariesyoutakeforgranted,and

believe apply to all social and sexual situations, may no longer apply in some

environs. There are no universally accepted boundaries of gender or attraction

among consenting adults, and the limits of sexual exploration are not handed

downonstonetabletsbysomehigherauthority.

When you look at people who meet your standards of happiness and success

without buyingintotheworld’s standards of lifetime heterosexualmonogamous

pair-bonding,youbegintoseehowsuchthingscanbepossibleforyou,too—even

ifthesepeoplearen’tdoingitthesamewayyouwantto.Recognizingothersexual

cultures offersanopportunity tobecomeawareofyour own preconceptionsand

uncertainties.

Listentoyourfears:theyhavealottoteachyouaboutyourself.Notknowing

what’s what can feel scary—but think of it as a chance to scrap all your

preconceptionsandstartfromscratch.It’sonlybyrecognizingallthepossibilities

outtherethatyoucanchoosetheonesthatworkforyou.Thenyoucanbefreeto

figureoutwhereyouwanttheboundariesinyourlife,whatyourpersonallimits

are, and whether you ever want to expand those limits. Accomplishing this

amazingtaskwillsetyoufreetoexplorebeyondyourwildestdreams.

“Listentoyourfears:theyhavealottoteachyouaboutyourself.”

BlackandPoly

HerearesomethoughtsaboutpolyandthewayitplaysoutinBlackcommunities—fromour

friends Ron and Lisa Young, cofounders of the international support group Black & Poly

(blackandpoly.org), who have graciously allowed us to use this excerpt from their upcoming

book,Love:ABlackLoveRevolution.

“Many of us are not just looking for that ‘extra someone’ for casual sex and occasional

affection; we may see the freedom and openness of poly as key to our survival. For many

peopleofcolor,though,surface-levelconnectioniseasy,yetcomplexbondingandromantic

loveisamotherfucker.Here’swhy.

“Imaginetryingtolovesomeonewheneverythingaroundyouissetuptosystematicallypull

youapart.ForBlacks,firsttherewasslavery,thenJimCrow,thenthewelfaresystem,andnow

mass incarceration—we haven’t had time to concentrate on love. We haven’t had time to

comfortably settle into each other. Sure, we have love, family, and community within our

homes,butmovingthosefeelingsoutintotheworldcanbeaverybigproblem.

“We’ve been taught that in order to get by in this world, we need to be strong…but that

doesn’tworkintermsofdealingwitheachother.Ourculturehasaskedustomaintainstrong

boundariesthatprotectusfromharm:frombeingbrokendown,takenadvantageof,robbedof

basichumannecessities,andstrippedofourdignity.Thisfearoftenleadsustorejectanything

that places us in vulnerable positions, redirecting our attention away from the fact that only

throughvulnerabilitycanwefindtruestrength,growth,beauty,andmostofalllove.

“As Blacks, we were sent here as objects. Through polyamory, we receive the unique and

joyous opportunity to define ourselves. We don’t want to be your ‘Mandingo Warriors’ or

‘NubianPrincesses,’orjusttoattendyourplayparties.Wewanttoberespectedasequalswhen

it comes to building something real, polyamorous, and tangible. We see the love that is

abundantwithinthecommunity,andsometimeswefeelthatlovereachingouttoincludeus.

“But there’sastill a hugedivide between usand thewhitepolycommunities. How willwe

bridgethegap?”

BATTLINGSEXNEGATIVITY

Fromtheslut’spointofview,theworldissometimesadangerousplace.Lotsof

peopleseemtothinkitisokaytogotoanylengthstostopusfrombeingsexual.

Someantisexcrusaderstrytomakelovingdangerousforwomenbyoutlawing

birth control and abortion, leading to unwanted pregnancies and back-alley

abortions. Others would outlaw access to sex information, in schools or on the

Internet,sothatourchildrencannotlearntocarefortheirhealthandwell-being

and have no access to safer-sex training that would teach them how to avoid

spreadingdiseases.Inanappallingdevelopmentsincethepreviouseditionofthis

book, a vaccine that helps prevent cervical cancer in women is being met with

resistance from puritans who believe that inoculating a young woman against

cancersomehowencourageshertohavesex.Peoplewhotakemedicationsthatcan

protect them from contracting the HIV virus are called “sluts” and “whores”

(presumablynotthegoodkind).

Somepeoplebelievethatbeingaslutmakesyoufairgameforviolence,thatit

mustsomehowbethevictim’sfault.Theymightdemand,“Whywereyouwalking

downthatstreetatnightinashortdressortightpants?”orproclaim,“Nowonder

yougotrapedorassaulted”or“Youlooksoqueer—nowonderthatgangdecidedto

beatyouup.”

Weareconsideredfairgameforotherformsofoppression,too.Multiplesexual

partnerscanbeseenasagoodreasontotakeallyourproperty,yourchildren,and

yourfutureincomeinapunitivedivorcesettlement.Youcouldloseyourjobor

yourpromiseforadvancementoryourprofessionalreputationifthewrongpeople

findoutaboutyourpersonallife.

“Somepeoplebelievethatbeingaslutmakesyoufairgameforviolence.”

JudgingOurselves

Wehopethisexaminationofthedangersofslutterywillleadyoutoaskyourself

somequestions.Whatismyexperienceofoppressionandhowdoesitaffectme?

WhodoIhavetolietoinmylife?Whataremyclosets?Asyoulookdeeper,you

might ask yourself, “What assumptions have I made about how my sexuality

should be? Do I hold judgments about what ‘good’ and ‘nice’ people do that I

windupturningagainstmyself?”

When we judge ourselves by cultural values imposed from the outside, when

women believe they ought to be small and quiet, when gay people believe that

theirsexualchoiceisaneurosis,orwhenweallbelievewewouldbebetterpeople

ifwewereabletobemonogamous,thisisinternalizedoppression.Whenweapply

theseunfairjudgmentstootherpeoplewhoarelikeus,whenweseeourfriendsas

too slutty or too free, this is called horizontal hostility. We suggest you look

through chapter 2, “Myths and Realities,” as a checklist to see where the beliefs

thatyoulearnedinoursex-negativeculturemightbegettinginyourway.

It’saHarshWorldOutThere

Thoseofuswhochoosetorunourlivesandlovesinanunconventionalmanner

should probably be prepared for the fact that many parts of the world will not

welcome us with open arms. For many people, sluthood is their first experience

with being in the closet, and they learn firsthand what their queer friends have

knownforquiteawhile.

Whiletherearecertainlywaystoprotectyourselfagainstsomesocial,logistical,

and financial consequences, we can’t guarantee that there will never be

consequences.It’snoteasybeingeasy.

Ex-spouses,parents,in-laws,and otherswhodon’tshareyour values aboutthe

potentialforinclusiverelationshipsmaybehostile.Yourfriendly neighborhood

pastor may not be sympathetic, either. Bringing both your partners to the

company picnic is not necessarily a good way to ensure your continued ascent

through the corporate hierarchy. We recommend caution in choosing who to

comeoutto:yes,weknowyou’reblissfullyhappyandwanttoshareyourjoywith

the world,but remember,youcan’t un-tell. We knowpeoplewho have lostjobs,

child custody, and more because the wrong people have become aware of their

sexual choices. In some places outside the United States, the consequences of

unconventional sexual choices are far more dire, up to and including the death

penalty.

Butevenhere,somestatesandcitieshavelawsthatforbidmultipleadultstolive

together if they’re not related by blood or marriage. In others, landlords are

reluctanttorenttogroupsthatdon’tconformtothetraditionalfamilystructure.

Someleasescontainclausesthatallowlandlordstoterminaterentalagreementson

thebasisof“immoralbehavior”or“associationwithundesirablepeople”—which

insomestatesincludesnonmaritalsex.

Similarly, your personal love and sex arrangements are best kept out of the

workplace:bothofushavelostjobsandclientsforbeingwhoweare.Whilesome

cities and states offer some protection to people who are gay, lesbian, or

transgender,wearenotawareofanythatguaranteeequalrightsforsluts.

Weurgethosewhocanbeoutandproudtodosobecauseit’sharderforthe

worldtohateslutswhenitcanseelotsofuslivinghappylivesthatdonoharmto

anyone. However, unless you are absolutely certain that your workplace and

importantrelationshipsareslut-positive,werecommendcaution.

LegalAgreements

WiththankstoDylanMiles,Esq.,forconsultingonlegalaspects,andforbeing

availabletoourcommunitiesasaknowledgeableandopen-mindedfamily

lawyer.

Much progress has been made in recent years in establishing and affirming the

legalrightsofsexualminorities,includingtheSupremeCourt’shistoricdecision

to legalize same-sex marriage throughout all the states. Several states have made

provisions for children who are growing up with more than two parents, which

protectsmanyyoungstersfromfostercarewhenapersonwhohasfunctionedasa

parenttoachildcanassumecustodyifneeded;italsoallowsnonbiologicalparents

to sign up for all the rights and responsibilities of parenting. When any of our

alliesinthinkingoutsidetheboxwinsanybattleinhumanrights,weallbenefit.

Youstillcan’tlegallymarrymorethanonepersonatthesametime.Ifyouand

your partner(s) are living in a somewhat marriage-like structure, with the

expectationofsharingproperty,providingforoneanotherintheeventofillness

ordeath,raisingchildren,orrunningabusinesstogether,westronglyrecommend

official legal documentation of your status and intentions. Terrifying stories of

lover kept from lover when one of them is hospitalized, a longtime partner left

penniless and homeless after someone’s unexpected death, individuals who have

beenparentsinallwaysbutbloodlosinganorphanedchildtoapartner’sparents

orex-spouse,andsoon,shouldbe enough toconvince you thatit’s time toget

officialaboutallthis.

Youdonotlegallyownyourchildren,andthelegalagreementsyoucanmake

aboutthemarelimitedbythatfact.Youcanuseyourwilltoexpressyourdesires

aboutwhowillcareforyourchildrenafteryourdeath,butthecourtmaynotbe

obligedtofollowyourwishes.Insomecases,anonbiologicalparentcanadopta

lover’schildrenasastepparent.Somestatesandmunicipalitiesarenotsupportive

ofsecond-parentorstepparentadoption,meaningifyouareachild’sthirdparent

atthatchild’sbirth,youhavefewerrightsthananyparentfromasecond,third,or

fifteenthmarriage.

Weencourageyoutowriteoutyourplansandyouragreements,especiallyyour

lifestyle choices, and have your signatures notarized. Such affidavits may not be

enforceableinmoststates,butintheeventoflaterdisagreements,theymayserve

as evidence of everyone’s intentions on forming a family or a relationship, and

theymakeitclearwhatyouhavesigneduptodo.Writingoutyourvisionofthe

familyyouarebuildingtogetherisavaluableandaffirmingactinitsownright.

Don’t forget to make and keep current your durable powers of attorney for

financesandhealthcareandyourwills.Thesearelegaldocuments,andwhilethe

lawwillnotsupporteverythinganeagerslutmightwanttodowiththeirmoney

andproperty,yourchancesofhavingyourdesiresupheldbythelawwillbegreatly

improvedifyouexpresstheminaformalandlegalmanner.

We recommendchecking out apublishing company called NoloPress,which

puts out carefully researched do-it-yourself legal books on aspects of family and

business law, including sample forms and step-by-step instructions. However, if

your agreements are particularly complicated, or if things of substantial value

(suchasalotofmoneyorasuccessfulbusiness)areinvolved,youmaywanttogo

beyondthe do-it-yourselflevelandcontactanattorney.Ifyouhave thatkindof

money,youprobablyknowmoreaboutthisthanwedo.Dotrytofindanattorney

whoisopentonontraditionalrelationships;youcanaskthatinaquestionortwo

over the telephone,soyoudon’t have topaygood moneytofindout thatyour

lawyerthinksyou’retheWhoreofBabylon.

Wehaveneitherthespacenortheexpertisetotellyouallthewaysthatpeople

withnontraditionalsexualitiescangoaboutsettinguptheirlives—optionsrange

allthewayfromadoptingyourpartnertosettingupabusinesstrustandbeyond.

But please, don’t assume that your good intentions, heartfelt love, and general

wonderfulnesswillprotectyou.Slutsdon’thavethatluxury.Doyourhomework

andgetthelawonyourside.

“Don’t assume that your good intentions, heartfelt love, and general

wonderfulnesswillprotectyou.”

TheOldestProfession

Whatwouldtheworldbelikeifsexworkwerelegal?Ifsexworkwereoutintheopen,andsex

workerscouldbejudgedlikeanyotherworkers—bytheirskill,theirrespectfortheirclients,and

howwelltheymanagetheirresponsibilities?

Imagineifsexworkweretreatedasaprofessionliketherapy:aclientmakingacontractwith

aprovider.Ifthecustomerlikedtheworktheyreceived,they’dkeepcomingback;ifnot,they’d

moveonandtrysomeoneelse.Brothelscouldbelikeclinics,newsexworkerscouldlearnfrom

more experienced practitioners, lower-fee services could be provided by interns being

supervisedandtaughtbymoreexperiencedpractitioners.

If sexwork werelegal, a worker being exploitedby a pimp ortraffickercould leave, report

abusesandfilecharges,evenunionize—justlikeanyotherworker.Ifwestoppedcloggingour

legal system with consenting adults engaging in professional sex, perhaps our police would

havemoretimeandresourcestoendlegitimatesexualcrimeslikerape,abuse,sexslavery,and

childprostitution.

Ifsexworkwerelegal,sexworkerswouldbefreetorequirewhateverlevelsofsafersexseem

appropriate to them—sex workers are often world-class experts at ways to spend hours in

sublimepleasureandstillrefrainfrompassingaroundharmfulviruses—andtoseekouttesting

andtreatmenttoavoidpassingonanybugs.

Legalsexworkwouldenablepartnerships,toooftendrivenapartbythepressureofalong-

termrelationshipwherepassionhasebbed,torekindlesexualheatbyseekingtheservicesofa

skilled heat-kindler. Therapists could refer clients to such practitioners for embodied

explorations of their deepest dreams and oldest fears, just as they might to any other

professional. Dossie has worked with clients whose spouses bought them a session with a

professionaldominatrixfortheirbirthday.

Manysexprofessionalshaveworkedhardtoacquireskillsthatmostofusdon’tevenknow

are possible: freedom of choice about our physical responses, timing of orgasms, ease of

erection, G-spot fountains, the amazing possibilities of all the muscles in the pelvic area to

bring pleasure in so many ways. Sexual healers could help free us from the terrors and

inhibitionslearnedinasex-negativesocietyandshowuswhatamazingsexualgeniusesweall

mightbe.Healingshame,healingtrauma,theamazingnessofsexbeyondviolation,thepower

ofourfantasies…somuchisthereforustolearnandgrow.Sexcanbeapowerfuljourneyinto

healingandgeneralgoodness,andthereareprofessionalswhocanteachushow.

Somepeoplebelievethatsexformoneyisdirty.Oursex-workerfriendsproveotherwise,over

andoveragain.Wepayourministers,priests,rabbis,imams,andgurus,sowhyshouldwenot

payoursexpriests?Ourspiritualandsexualhealersandguidesdeservetomakealivingforthe

valuableworktheydo.

Right now, some kinds of sex-for-hire are legal in the United Kingdom, the Netherlands,

Germany,Australia,andNewZealand.Wenotethatallthesecountriesseemtobemanaging

justfinewithletting talentedand devotedprofessionalsmaketheirlivingdoing what theydo

best,forthebettermentoftheirclientsandthegreatersociety.

BUILDINGACULTUREOFCONSENT

People around the world are gaining awareness of the enormous prevalence of

sexual assault and smaller sexual aggressions. But bringing into consciousness

somethingthatwehaveavoidedthinkingaboutusuallyrequiressomethrashing

around. When we claim our sexual freedom and start building communities

whereinwecanexpressourselvesinasex-positiveway,weimmediatelybumpup

against the truth that we are living in a society that holds some insane values

about sex and consent. When it is not safe, accepted, or welcomed to say, “No

thankyou”tosex,buildingasex-positiveculturecanbecomeimpossible.

Dossie,giving alectureon consenttoabouttwohundredpeople, askedthose

whohadneverbeensexuallyassaultedtostandup.Onlyaboutaquarterstoodup,

mostlymen,somewomen.Thereweremanymenaswellaswomenamongthose

stillsitting.Thatlargenumberofpeoplewhoremainedsitting—let’sadmiretheir

courage and determination to free themselves and their sexuality, even though

someonehurtthem.

All our wonderful sexual freedom is dependent on two very important

conditions:freedomfromsexismandfreedomfromrape.Thesechangesmusttake

place at both the individual and community levels. Prosecuting rape and child

molestationisquitedifficult,soourcommunitiesneedtoworkforourownsafety.

Wecanseldomsendoffenderstojail,butwecanuninvitethemfromourparties,

andremovethemfromtheotherenvironmentsthatwecontrol,bothonlineand

inthephysicalworld.

Majorviolationsincludedruggingsomeoneandthenrapingthem,violentrape,

childmolestation,andanyintentionalviolationofanotherperson’sstatedlimits.

Theseareallveryseriouscrimes,eveniftheyareoftenhardtoprosecute.Other

violations require some discussion, sometimes because the accused doesn’t feel

thatthey’vedoneanythingwrong.Verbaloffenses—pushycome-ons,arguingwith

someonewhohassaid“No,thankyou,”orobjectifyingorbelittlingpeople—may

causelessharmthanphysicaloffensesbutcanstillcreateanatmosphereofdanger

in ourcommunities.Edgingoverpeople’s limits,ortryingthings thathave not

been explicitly agreedupon,cantearapartrelationships and have arippleeffect

that occasionally destroys the communities in which those relationships are

grounded.

Muchofthisconflictistheconsequenceofourabsurdculturalinsistencethat

in sex, men should be the initiators and women the withholders. Thus, some

peoplelearnthattheyaresupposedtobepushyandothersthatsayinganything

butnois,well,slutty.Thispatternleadsto“no”beingheard asaninvitationto

push harder, with predictably disastrous results. Freeing your sexuality requires

thatyoulookattheseculturalbeliefsaboutwhatitmeanstobeapersonofyour

gender,andperhapsmakesomechanges—unlessyouwanttospendtherestofyour

lifelivingdowntoyourgenderstereotype.Howwouldweproposethatpeopleof

allgenderslearnbetterbehavior?Wewishwecouldsaythatthere’sahandytwelve-

stepgrouparoundthecornerforthissortofthing,oraclasswecouldtake,butat

this writing, these resources are pretty rare. Some community members are

steppinguptotheplatetodothissortofwork.We’dlovetoseemore.

“Freeing your sexuality requires that you look at cultural beliefs about what it

meanstobeapersonofyourgender.”

ForTraumaSurvivors

Way too many people of all genders, ages, and cultures have experienced sexual

trauma.Sexualassault,outrightrape,childsexualabuse,sometimesevenmedical

trauma, can leave us with major challenges to enjoying our sex lives—including

flashbacks,disassociation,post-traumaticstressdisorder,andjustplainfearfulness.

People who have survived trauma, especially as children, have particular

vulnerabilities and may feel unsafe or violated more easily than most. A trigger

response may have been learned, and an individual may be responding to a

relativelymodestoffenseasifitweretheterriblethingthatmayhavehappenedin

thepast,orasiftheywerestillthechildthattheywerewhentheywereabused.The

fear may appear unrealistic or disproportionate to outsiders, but that’s not the

point—the fear itself is real, usually doesn’t feel sexy at all, and may leave the

personsopanickythatdiscussion,orevenhearinganapology,maybeimpossible

atthattime.

Don’tgiveup!YourtherapistauthorDossiespecializesinhealingoldwounds

fortraumasurvivorsandishappytoannouncethatmanypeoplefindwaystodeal

with their history of violation, take care of themselves when painful memories

show up, succeed in reclaiming ownership oftheir bodies, and enjoy a free and

happysexuality.

Sometimes all it takes is a little collaboration about safety, establishing clear

agreements about boundaries, creating safe space, and being supportive and

understanding. Survivors and partners alike need to be willing to deal with the

interruptionifapersonneedstostopandrecoverfromabadmemory,evenifthat

happensinthemiddleofsex.Wehopeyouwillbepatientwithyourselfifthisis

yoursituation,becausebeingkindtoyourselfandyourpartnerscanbecomethe

practicethathealsyou.

Theinformationabouttakingcareofyourselfaroundtriggersthatyou’llreadin

chapter 15, “Roadmaps through Jealousy,” is also applicable when you decide to

dealwithotheremotionallandmines.Ifyouhaveapartnerwhoisstrugglingwith

reclaimingtheirsexualityfromanuglyhistoryofviolence,wehopethatyouwill

choose to become an ally in that struggle and find the patience to support the

workthatneedstobedonetoclaimajoyoussexuality.CheckFurtherReadingfor

somegoodresourcesabouthealingsexualtrauma.

ForThoseWhoHaveBeenAccused

Ifyou’vedonesomething thathas leftapartner feeling traumatized,youhave a

differentproblem.Ournaturaltendencywhenweareaccusedofdoingsomething

wrongistogetverydefensiveandreallywanttotelloursideofthestory.Butif

thepeoplewhousedtolikeyouwellenoughtohavesexwithyouarenowangry

withyouandclamoringforyourhide,youmightwanttolookaroundandseeif

there’sanythingyou’dliketochangeinyourbehavior.

You may have been taught that “getting laid” is about getting away with

something. From that point of view, having an active sexual life may look like

consumerism:howmuchcanyouacquire,withhowlittleeffort?Doesthatmean

that your lover, or potential lover, is a commodity? Having learned this doesn’t

necessarilymakeyouaproblem,butactingonitcertainlywill.

Howwouldyougoaboutmakingchangesinyourself?Andlater,howwillyou

letpeopleknowthatyou have done somework onyourselfandit’snowsafe to

welcomeyouback?

Ifyouareinthissituation,pleaseremembertoretainyoursenseofyourselfasa

wholeperson.Behaviorthatmayhavefrightenedorhurtanotherisapartofyou,

andyouhavemanyparts.Takealittletimetoreflectonyourownstrengthsand

senseofethics.Howdoyouwanttouseyourstrength?Whatcanyoudothatisin

linewithyourethics?

ForEveryone

Herearesomestrategiesthatweknowdon’twork:

Pathologizing.This refers toturning aresponse orreactionintoadisease,as if

labelingitwereasortofantibiotic.Isthispersonapredator,asociopath,avictim

ofStockholmsyndrome,avictimofthepatriarchy?(Prettymuchallofusactlike

alloftheseonoccasion.)Arewerapeapologistsifwedon’timmediatelyostracize

theoffender?Whenwedefineaproblemasadisease,weoftenactasifadiagnosis

were a solution: paste on a label and then end the discussion as if we’ve

accomplishedsomething.Butthennothingeverchanges.

Splitting.Thisisapsychologicaldefenseinwhichapersontriestofeelsafeby

presumingthatthegoodguysareallgood—soifanypartofsome person is not

good,thenthatpersonmustbeallbadandneedstobepermanentlyexiled,with

noaccommodationforchangeorgrowth.Splittingcandividewholecommunities,

witheveryonechoosingupsidesratherthanaskingwhattheymightdotomake

thingsbetter.

Truthseeking.Inmanyoftheseproblems,thereisonepersonsaying“So-and-so

didmewrong,hurtme,causedmepainordamage,”andtheotherisinsistingthat

the person who is upset with them is making it up, getting revenge, or really

wanted it. So who do we believe? It is going to take courage to try and find

solutions when we can’t determine the absolute truth of the problem. We must

understand that we are a community, not a criminal justice system, and our

actionsneedtobeabout whateverwecandoatthis time,withtheresourceswe

havetoday,tomakethissituationalittlebetter.

Blaming.Whosefaultisthis?Whodidwhattowhofirst?Veryfewofusactually

blameourselves:weallhavewaysofrationalizingandreasonswhyourbehavioris

justifiable.Butwhenwetrytofeelsafebyminimizingourowninvolvementand

blamingsomeoneelse,thenwedisempowerourselves.Wegivethe“other”allthe

power by saying that only they can make things better. Many people, acutely

uncomfortable at hearing about how a person has been violated, distance

themselves by finding some reason to blame the victim: looking too sexy,

drinking too much, what did you expect if you want a kind of sex that’s more

extreme than most? And just to make things more confusing, what feels like

violationtoonepersonmightbeeasyforanother,andathirdmayseeitasplay

anddelightinit.

Butthereareanumberofconflictresolutionstrategiesthatwefindhelpfulto

drawon.Amarvelousbodyofwisdomisemergingfromeffortstoteachemotional

intelligence and restorative justice in some American high schools and middle

schools.Students in these programs arebeing trainedto bepeer counselors and

peacekeepers, to intervene in conflicts that might become violent or otherwise

destructive.Manystudieshavemeasuredverypositiveresults,evenin“difficult”

schools,asaresultofthesetrainings,bothinreductionoffightsandsuspensions

andinincreasesinthepercentageofstudentswhograduate.

Someschoolsnowhaveaquietroomwherekidswhowerecausingtroublecan

sitatadesktowritedowntheiranswerstoquestionslikethese:“Whathappened?”

“Whatwasmypartinit?”“WhatcanIdotomakeitbetter?”“WhatcanIdoto

makeitlesslikelytohappenagain?”Perhapswhenthereisanissueaboutsexual

boundaries,wecanaskourselvesthesesamequestions—“victim”and“villain”alike

—andseewhetherthatleadstoamoreproductivedialogue.

Backintheprotesteraofthe1960s,weusedtosay,“Whenyoudon’twanttobe

part of the problem, you need to become part of the solution.” Resources to

supportchangehappenallovertheworld,andweneedtoadaptthemtooursex-

positivecommunities:nonviolentcommunicationworkshops,angermanagement

classes, conflict resolution classes, self-defense classes where you can practice

clarifyingyour“no,”supportgroupsforoffendersandsurvivors,andmore.

Weapproveofcommunitiesthatoffernewmembersinformationonethicsand

boundariesintheircommunity,andwealsoknowthatrulesalonewillneverbe

enough. We need to be willing to enter into an ongoing process that addresses

theseissuesandsupportschangeandhealingandgrowth,eachofuscontributing

whatwecanandexpecting tocontinueindefinitely inthe processofnavigating

consent and boundaries. We do have a right to insist that people prone to

bullying,limitpushing,andotherproblematicbehaviorsgolearnwhattheyneed

tolearn—takeaworkshoporaclass,joinagroupworkingonchangingcompulsive

orantisocial behaviors,getatherapist,get sober—beforethey canearntheir way

backintoourcommunities.

We can’t prevent every problem, but we can create a sex-positive culture that

deals proactively and constructively with the problems we face rather than

sweepingthemundertherugoutofshame.

CleanLove

Can you imagine love without jealousy, without possessiveness—love washed clean of all its

clinginessanddesperation?Let’stry.

We can take some thoughts from Buddhism: What would it be like to love without

attachment,toopenourheartstosomeonewithnoexpectations,lovingjustforthejoyofit,

regardlessofwhatwemightgetback?

Imagine seeing the beauty and virtues of a beloved and letting go of how their strengths

mightmeetourneedsorhowtheirbeautymightmakeuslookbetter.

Imagine seeing someone in a clean light of love—without enumerating the ways in which

thatpersondoesanddoesnotmatchuptothefantasywecarryaroundofourperfectmateor

dreamlover.

Imagine meeting another person in the freedom and innocence of childhood and playing

togetherwithoutplottinghowtomakethispersongiveusthekindoflovewewishwecould

havegotteninouractualchildhood.

But…but…but. What if you open your heart to someone, and you don’t like what happens

next? Suppose that person gets drunk or treats your open affection with scorn? What if this

persondoesn’tfulfillyourdreams?Whatifthisoneturnsoutjustlikethelastone?Supposeall

thosethingsdohappen.Whathaveyoulost?Alittletime,abrieffantasy.Letitgo,learnfromit,

andwalkawayalittlewiser.

Lovedoesn’tmuchtaketobeingstuffedintoforms,whichiswhateverybody’sfantasiesand

imaginingsare:custom-builtplansforaconstructedindividualthey’vecreatedtosolvealltheir

problems.Yourauthorshavedreamlovers,too—butpeoplearenotmadeofclayorstone,and

itwon’tworkwelltoapproachthemwithachisel.

Howmanytimeshaveyourejectedthepossibilityoflovebecauseitdidn’tlookthewayyou

expecteditto?Perhapssomecharacteristicwasmissingyouweresureyoumusthave,some

othertraitwaspresentthatyouneverdreamedofaccepting.Whathappenswhenyouthrow

awayyourexpectationsandopenyoureyestothefabulouslovethatisshiningrightinfrontof

you,holdingoutitshand?

Cleanloveislovewithoutexpectations.

Washingyourlovecleandoesn’trequireadvancedspiritualityorweeklypsychoanalysis.You’ll

probablyneverletgoofeverysingleattachment—atleastwe’venevermanagedit.Butmaybe

youcanletgojustforaninstant:yourhistory,worries,frets,andyearningswillstillbethereto

comebacktowhenyouneedthem.Justfornow,takealookatthewonderfulpersonwhois

standingrightinfrontofyou.

INFINITEPOSSIBILITIES

The first edition of this book was subtitled “A Guide to Infinite Sexual

Possibilities.” Now that we’re older and a little bit wiser, even that sweeping

statementseemsabitlimiting:sluthoodmeansinfinitepossibilitiesofallkinds,

notjust the sexual. Ifyouthink a“celibateslut” is acontradictionin terms,we

haveafewsurprisesinstoreforyou:sluthoodlivesinthebrain,notbetweenthe

legs, and can fit comfortably and joyously into whatever consensual sexual and

relationshippatternyouchoose.

AsexualityandCelibacy

Folks who say no thanks to sex are becoming an increasingly visible minority.

Asexualityreferstopeoplewhodon’texperiencesexualattraction,andcelibacyrefers

tothosewhofeelattractionbutprefernottoactonit.Wethinkthatanykindof

sexualfreedommustincludethefreedomtonothavesex,withoutbeingpestered

orpathologized.

Asexualityisconsideredasexualorientation.Someasexualshavesexualfeelings

thattheymayprefertoexpressbyhavingsexwiththemselvesonly;othersdonot

experiencesexualfeelingsatall.Somearewillingtosharesexwithapartnertogive

thatpartnerpleasure;othersprefertoavoiditaltogether.Someenjoynongenital

forms of eroticism such as BDSM, tantra, or role-playing; others prefer to steer

clearofthewholeidea.

Celibacy,ontheotherhand,isachoice,onethatmayofferawaytofocuson

emotional,intellectual,orspiritualconcerns.Peopleforwhomsexorrelationships

have caused problems may choose a period of celibacy as a pathway toward self-

examination:“WhatkindofpersonamIwhenI’mbeingmejustformyself?”

Somepeoplearecelibate,butnotbychoice:peoplewhoareincarcerated,illor

disabled, geographically isolated, or socially unskilled may have trouble finding

partners.Othersarecelibatesimplybecausetheydonot,forwhateverreason,feel

likebeingsociableorsexualforawhile,orperhapsforgood.

Wedonotsee“celibateslut”or“asexualslut”asinanywayacontradictionin

terms.Thereareinfinitewaysofrelatingtootherpeople—romantically,intimately,

domestically, and more—and if you’ve opened your life and heart to as many of

thosewaysaspossible,you’reoneofus.

PlatonicRelationships,akaFriendships

Onefriendofoursdrivesusnutsbymoaning,“Idon’thavearelationship…justall

thesefriends!”Wehavenewsforhim,andforyou:friendshipisarelationship,an

importantonethatofferstremendousopportunitiesforthethingsweneedmost

out of our relationships: intimacy, companionship, support in times of trouble,

andmore.

Weareamusedbysluthood-skepticswhoareappalledbytheideaoflovingmore

than one person…and who nonetheless have a best friend, someone with whom

they sharetheirdeepestsecrets,whomay in factbeas importantapart oftheir

livesastheirspouseorlover.Ifyouhavealoverandabestfriendwhoarenotthe

same person, you’re already practicing many of the skills of sluthood as you

manageeachoftheirneedsforintimacy,time,andaffection.

FriendlySex

Ifoneofthosegood,intimatefriendsbecomesyourlover…whatthen?Willitruin

thefriendship?Willitleadtosomethingmore,somethingthatthreatensanother

part of your life? These are the concerns of many people encountering the

possibilitiesoffriendlysexforthefirsttime.

Theculturalbanonhavingsexwithyourfriendsisaninevitableoffshootofa

societal belief that the only acceptable reason to have sex is to lead to a

monogamous, marriage-like relationship. We believe, on the other hand, that

friendshipis anexcellentreasontohave sex,andthatsexis anexcellentwayto

maintainafriendship.

Howdoyoulearntoshareintimacywithoutfallinginlove?Wewouldpropose

that we do love our friends, whether or not we have sex with them: these

individuals are our family, often more permanent in our lives than marriages.

Withpractice,wecandevelopanintimacybasedonwarmthandmutualrespect,

muchfreerthandesperation,neediness,ortheblindinsanityoffallinginlove—

that’s why the relationships between “friends with benefits” are so immensely

valuable. When we acknowledge the love and respect and appreciation that we

sharewithloverswewouldnevermarry,sexualfriendshipscanbecomenotonly

possiblebutpreferred.Sowhileyou’reworryingthatyoursexualdesirecouldcost

youyourbestfriend,themoreexperiencedslutcouldbewonderingwhyyouare

theonlyfriendthey’veneverfucked.

“Webelievethatfriendshipisanexcellentreasontohavesex,andthatsexisan

excellentwaytomaintainafriendship.”

Dossie, when she was first a feminist, vowed to remain unpartnered for five

yearstofindoutwhoshemightbewhenshewasnottryingtobesomebody’s“old

lady.” She had many wonderful relationships during those years, a rainbow of

intimacies,includingthesharingofchildrearingandhouseholdsandfixingcars

and,ofcourse,lotsoflovelysexandaffection.Shedecidedthatifshemadesureto

be affectionate, to let people know what she loved about them, that most would

find a way to be comfortable with her, and it worked. Her quest helped her

discovernewwaysofbeingintheworldasawomanandasasexualhumanbeing—

thefoundationofwhosheisandwhatsheteachestoday.

Similarly,somepeoplelimittheirintimacytooneortwopeopleintheirlives,

and it can feel risky to expand your sense of intimate connection with more

people. Nothing increases intimacy better than shared vulnerabilities, and

sometimes that can feel scary. But when you take the risk of sharing a scary

feeling,youactuallydeepenyourconnectionandoftengetresponsesinkind,like

“I feelscared, too!” or“Ican understandthat; please tellme more.” There isno

reasonwhyanyrelationshipinourlivescan’tbeblessedwithintimacy.

Each relationshipseeksits own level,or willifyouletit.Likewater,youand

whatever person has caught your fancy can flow together as long as you let it

happeninthewaythatisfittingtoyouboth.

RelationshipAnarchy

One of the newer terms in the poly lexicon, relationship anarchy, refers to a

lifestyle decision not to take one partner as a “primary” and others as

“secondaries” (or any hierarchy of that kind) but instead to maintain each

relationshipasseparateandtomakeasfewrulesaspossible.

Anarchistsseektoavoidhierarchiesinallareasoflife,anidealisticgoalthatcan

bemorecomplicatedthanitsounds.Webenefitfromquestioningboundariesand

structuresthatoursocietymaytakeforgranted,soanarchistsarearichsourceof

exploring“outsidethebox”andlookingatwhatlifeandlovemightbelikewhen

weavoidimposingstructureonit.

Relationship anarchy generally values freedom above commitment, so its

practitionersprefertominimizeagreementsandotherpromisesregardingsexual

orromanticbehavior.Thisdoesnot,ofcourse,meaneveryonehasfreereintobe

awful—eventhewildestanarchistmightneedsomebasicunderstandingregarding

safersex,theabsenceofphysicaloremotionalabuse,andsoon,tofeelsafeenough

toengagewithanygivenpartner. Andrelationshipanarchistsstillneedtohone

their skills at intimacy, connection, and expressing affection. But if you’re the

kindofpersonwhochafesunderauthorityandfeelsrulesaremadetobebroken,

youmightfindagoodfitasarelationshipanarchist.

LivingSingle

For some sluts, being single may be a temporary condition between partners, a

recommended periodofhealing from arecent breakup,or achosen lifestyle for

thelongterm.Beingsingleisagoodwaytogettoknowwhoyouarewhenyouare

nottryingtofitastheotherhalfofsomebodyelse;learningtoenjoylivingwith

yourselfgivesyoualottosharewithpartnerswhenyouchoosetoconnect.Single

sluthoodhasitsownjoysandchallenges,whichiswhywe’regoingtodealwithit

atmuchgreaterlengthlaterinthisbook.

“Beingsingleisagoodwaytogettoknowwhoyouarewhenyouarenottrying

tofitastheotherhalfofsomebodyelse.”

In monogamy-centrist culture, singles too often journey in the Land of One-

NightStands,inwhichyougohomewithapickupandsharesomehotsex,and

then, the next morning, you look at each other and decide whether the

relationshiphaslife-partnerpotential.Ifnot,youleave,withmuchembarrassment,

andtheunspokenruleisthatyouwillneverbecomfortablewiththatweighed-in-

the-balance-and-found-wantingpersonagain.Sexasauditionhappensbecausemost

people have no script for sexual intimacy in the mid-range between complete

strangerandtotalcommitment.

Singlesluts,though,canplaythefieldinavarietyofways.Onedistinguishing

dimensionishowseparateyoukeepyourlovers.Sooneformofslutteryforthe

single involves multiple partners who have no interaction, indeed, no

information, about each other; this avoids complications at the cost of limiting

certain kinds of intimacy, such as opportunities for mutual support and the

developmentofcommunity.

Oryoumaychoosetointroduceyourloverstoeachother,perhapsoverSunday

brunch.Thismaysoundwildorimpossibleorlikeascriptfordisaster,butdon’t

knock it if you haven’t tried it. Your lovers have a lot in common—you, for

example—andtheymayverywelllikeeachother.

Ifyouareasinglepersoninanyopensexuallifestyle,youmustpayattentionto

howyouaregettingyoursexual,emotional,andsocialneedsmet.Youcandothis

inaninfinitevarietyofways.Theimportantthingistobeawareofyourneeds

andwantssoyoucangoaboutgettingthemmetwithfullconsciousness.Ifyou

pretendthatyouhavenoneedsforsex,affection,oremotionalsupport,youare

lyingtoyourself,andyouwillwinduptryingtogetyourneedsmetbyindirect

methodsthatwon’tworkverywell.Peoplewhodothisoftengetcalledmanipulative

orpassive-aggressive —terms, in our opinion, for people who have not figured out

howtogettheirneedsmetinastraightforwardmanner.

Whenyoufigureoutwhatyouwantandaskforit,you’llbesurprisedhowoften

theanswerisyes.Thinkhowrelievedyoumightfeelwhensomeoneasksyoufor

supportorahugorotherwise lets youknow howtopleasethem.Thinkofhow

competentandjustplaingoodyoufeelwhenyoucantrulyhelpanotherperson,

whether it’s by offering a shoulder to cry on or that just-right stimulation that

leads to the perfect orgasm. Give your friends the opportunity to feel good by

fulfillingyou,too.

“Monogamish”

Coined by the sex columnist Dan Savage in 2011, the term monogamish has

caught on with a rapidity that makes us think perhaps such a word has been

neededforalongtime.

Monogamishisanagreementbetweenbothhalvesofacouplethattheirbond

takesprecedenceoveranyoutsideconnections,butthattheoccasionalbrieffling

isacceptableandperhapsevendesirableforkeepingthehomefiresburning.Many

monogamishcouplestakemutuallyagreeduponthirdpartiesintotheirbedsfrom

time to time or agree together on an “anything goes” night for one-time fun.

We’ve heardof morethanafewmonogamouscoupleswhoplayfully make “one

time”exceptionsforacelebritycrush:“Okay,ifyoucangetDanSavageintobed

withyou,yougorightahead”—whichweguesscouldbefantasymonogamishness.

Forthemanycoupleswhoaretitillatedbythethoughtofanoccasionaloutside

dalliance but not ready to make the full jump into polyamory, a monogamish

agreementisthetoeyoucandipinthewatertotestthetemperature.

Partnerships

Therearemultipleformsofopenrelationshipforthepartnered,includingserial

monogamy,in which one’svarious partners areseparatedin time,and the ever-

popular nonconsensual nonmonogamy, otherwise known as cheating. We can

thinkoftheselifestylesasunconsciousfreelove,butyourauthorsfeelbothfreer

andsaferwhenweloverightoutintheopen.

Itisaxiomaticthatopenrelationshipsworkbestwhenacoupleorestablished

group takes care of each other and their relationship first, before they include

othersintheirdynamic.Sotheslutpartnershipneedstobewillingtodothework

wewill describe later in this book to communicate well and to handle jealousy,

insecurity, and territoriality with the highest consciousness. People in such

partnershipsneedtoknowandcommunicatetheirboundaries,tomakeandkeep

agreements, and to respect both each other’s boundaries and the boundaries

they’vesetfortheirrelationships.Couplesandgroupsalsoneedtomakesureto

nourishtheirownconnectiontokeepithappy,healthy,andfulfilling.

Partnerships can have a secondary relationship outside of the primary or a

number of lovers that don’t get ranked in any hierarchy. Relationships vary in

howcloseordistanttheyareemotionallyandphysicallyandinhowmuchcontact

is involved. Some may be short term, while others may last for years or even a

lifetime;somemayinvolvegettingtogethertwiceaweek,otherstwiceayear.

People new to polyamory tend to spend a lot of energy defining their

boundaries.Theyusuallyfocusmoreatfirstonwhattheydon’twanttheirpartner

to do—the activities that make them feel, for some reason, unsafe or downright

terrified—than on their actual desires. Setting these limits is, for many people, a

necessary first step into the disorienting world of sluthood. However, as

partnerships become more sophisticated at operating the boundaries of their

relationship,theytendtofocusmoreonwhattheywouldenjoyandthenstrategize

abouthowtheycanmakeitsafe.Howtocreateandfollowthislearningcurvewill

becoveredinmoredetailinchapter18,“OpeninganExistingRelationship.”

Onewomanofouracquaintancehasalifelonglifestyleofhavingtwoprimary

partners, one man and one woman, with her other partners and her primaries’

otherpartnersformingahugenetwork.Herrelationshipshistoricallyhavelasted

many years, through raising children and grandchildren, and her exes are still

activemembersofherextendedfamily.

Insomeopenrelationships,eachpartnerseeksoutotherpartnersprettymuch

separately,oftenmakingagreementsaboutwhogetstocruisewhichclubwhen,or

takingcaretoavoidrunningintoeachotherontheInternetorinpersonalads.

Theymaytalkabouttheiradventureswitheachotherandoccasionallyintroduce

playpartnerstotheirlive-inlovers.

Othersseekoutaclosematchwithanothercouplesotheycanplay,eitherasa

foursome or by switching partners, with people they have met and chosen

together. Many polyamorous couples make a fine lifestyle out of seeking

relationships with couples who are most like them, who share their values and

boundaries.Suchpairingsofpairscanbecomelifelongattachmentsandgenerate

bothhotsexandtruefamilyinterconnectedness.

Andothersallowtheirrelationshipstosettlewheretheydoandtochangeover

time.Sometimeswehavereconnectedwithanoldloverafterquiteafewyearsand

foundafitlikeanoldglove.

HierarchiesandAlternatives

Manypolyfolkliketouseahierarchicalterminologytodefinetheirrelationships:

thepeopletheylivewithinamarriage-likearrangementareprimaries, thepeople

theylovebutdon’tlivewitharesecondaries,thepeopletheyenjoyspending(often

sexual) time with, perhaps not as often or with less commitment, are tertiaries.

Other language used for couplings are life partner and the rather sweet nesting

partner.

Whilethisterminology is pervasive,andsometimes usefulasashorthand, we

have some concerns aboutasystemthatinherentlyranksthe importance ofthe

peopleinourlives.Janetsays,“EismylifepartnerandDossieismycoauthor.If

I’mbuyingahouse,E’sthemostimportant;ifI’mwritingabook,Dossieis.Each

ofthemhastheirownplaceinmylife—whydoIhavetorankthem?”

MoreThanTwo

People can make commitments to each other in numbers greater than two. The

levelofcommitmentmayvary,aswhenanexistingcouplemakesacommitment

to a third partner or even a fourth. Relationships that add, and inevitably also

subtract, members over time tend to form very complex structures, with new

configurations of family roles that they generally invent by trial and error.

Individuals in groups that come together as a threesome or foursome may find

their roles within the family developing, growing, and changing over time: the

personwhofeelslikethe“mother”ofthegroupthisyearmightwelltransitionto

“kid”or“dad”overtimeorwitheachdifferentpartner.

Triads allow three partners, in any combination of genders, to form a family

unit.Somepeoplegrowintotriadicorquadraticfamiliesastheyattaindeepening

involvement with one or more members who started as outside lovers. Others

actively seek members for group marriages to fulfill their ideal of the kind of

family theywanttolivein.Wehaveheardofpeoplewhoidentifyas“trisexual”

becausetheyaresostronglyattunedtotheideaoflivingandlovingaspartofa

threesome.

“Transcendcompetitiveness:there’senoughofeverythingforeverybody.”

Balancing triads can be challenging: in any ménage à trois there are actually

threecouples,A&B,B&C,andC&A,andeachoftheserelationshipswillbe

different.Inatriad,aswiththesiblingsofafamily,alltherelationshipswillnot

beatthesamelevelatthesametime;we’veheardoflengthyargumentsoverwhich

memberofatriadshouldrideinthebackseatofthecar.Inallformsofethical

sluthood, but perhaps especially in triads, it is vital to find ways to transcend

competitiveness:there’senoughofeverythingforeverybody.

PublicSex

Slutsinanykindofrelationshipmayenjoygroupsex.Environmentsfororgies,

partyhouses,sexclubs,swinghouses,bathhouses,andgloryholesareavailablein

manymajorcitiesinavarietyofformsandfornearlyallsexualpreferences.We

willtellyouallabouttheminchapter24.Agroupsexenvironmentmayconstitute

a safe field of exploration for a monogamish couple. They can attend parties

togetherorseparately,cruisesinglyorasatwosome,meeteachother’sfriends,and

playwithavarietyofpeople,allthewhilemaintainingwhateverconnectionwith

eachothertheyfeelgoodabout.Inthisway,sexoutsidetheprimaryrelationship

isdefinedbythespecificenvironmentinwhichithappens.

Group sex environments often develop their own families, people who

participate regularly and get to know each other and may share other activities,

like giant Thanksgiving dinners. The film Shortbus portrays the varied and

fascinating individuals who form a chosen family through their friendly

neighborhoodsexclub.

ChosenFamily

Circle is a word we use for a set of connections among a group of people that

actuallymightlookmorelikeaconstellation,withsomepeoplenearthehuband

connectedtoseveralothersandothersneartheoutsideandconnectedtoonlyone

ortwoand,perhaps,partofanotherconstellationaswell.Theseconstellationsmay

becasualormaybecomeextendedfamilies,withprovisionsforraisingchildren,

makingaliving,takingcareofthesickoraging,andpurchasingproperty.

Dr. James Ramey, in his wonderful book Intimate Friendships, documented his

observations that nonmonogamy could facilitate the formation of what he

describedaskinshipnetworks,communitiesboundtogetherbytheintimaciesof

theirsexualconnections,perhaps servingthesamefunctionsas villagesdidina

smallerworld.Someofushavetakentoreferringtoourgroupingsastribes.

Circles of sexual friends are common—some people call these friends “fuck

buddies.”Suchcirclesmaybeopenandwelcomenewmembers,typicallybrought

in by other members. When you are part of such a circle, new lovers of any

member are potential friends and family members of your own, so the focus

changes from competition and exclusivity to a sense of inclusion and welcome,

oftenverywarmindeed.

Other circles are closed, with new members welcome only by agreement with

existingmembers.Closedcirclesaresometimessetupasastrategyforsafetyfrom

HIV infection and other sexually transmitted conditions and also to deal with

alienationinanoverpopulatedworld.Inaclosedcircle,thenotionisthatyoucan

playwithanyoneinthecircle(allofwhomhavemadeagreementsaboutsafersex

and are all perhaps of known STI status), but you don’t have sex with anyone

outsidethegroup.Thusyougettoplayaroundwithavarietyofrelationshipsand

stillstayinalimitedfield.Suchlifestylesaresometimesknownaspolyfidelity.

These are justafewof the ways in which sluts have chosen to organize their

livesandloves.Yougettochooseoneorseveralorinventoneofyourown.We

think that relationship structures should be designed to fit the people in them

rather than people chosen to fit some abstract ideal of the perfect relationship.

There’s no right or wrong way to do this as long as everyone’s having fun and

gettingtheirneedsmet.

InPraiseofMonogamy

Althoughmonogamy isn’tthechoice ofeitherofyourauthors,weneverthelessapplaudit as

oneoftheinfinitepossibilitiesavailabletothethoughtfulslut—onethatoffersadifferentsetof

risksandrewardsthanotherrelationshipsbutanexcellentchoiceformany,eithertemporarily

orpermanently.

A friend of ours (born only a few years before the initial publication of this book, who first

readitwhenshewasscandalouslyyoung)recentlysaid,“Iwastalkingtoafriendofminewho’s

monogamous, and it seemed like some odd sort of BDSM contract: an agreement to share

theirsexualityonlywithoneperson.Notwrong,ofcourse,notifbothpeopleagreetoit.Just…

weird.”

Andwethinkthatifyoucan’tunderstandwhyanyonewouldchoosemonogamy,youcould

thinkofitasacontract,justliketheoneadominant/submissivecouplemightsigntosolidify

their agreements with one another, as valid as any other consensual and well-informed

relationshipchoice.

Whataretheadvantagesofmonogamy?Wethinktheymightinclude:

• Awaytofocusyourenergyonjustonepartnerinsteadofspreadingitoverseveral

• Awaytokeepthedecksclearedforothermajorresponsibilities(anewbaby,graduate

school,ademandingcareer…)

• Acommitmenttostretchyoursexualintereststomeetyourpartner’sdesiresratherthan

sendingthosedesiresoutsidetherelationship—orthereverse,tomakeawillingsacrifice

ofsomepersonaldesirestowardthewell-beingoftherelationship

• The simplicity of maintaining a straightforward calendar and not having to

accommodate anyone’s needs beyond yours, your partner’s, and those of any

dependentsyoumightcarefor

Andofcourse,there’snolawsayingthatonceyouchoosemonogamy(or,forthatmatter,

anyotherrelationshipstyle),youmuststicktoitforeverandever.Janetthinksthatinaworld

whereallrelationshipchoiceswereavailablewithoutjudgmentorsocialsanction,manypeople

mightchoosea patternofrelationship stylesthatcorrespondedtotheirlifechanges:sluttery

duringearlyadulthood,monogamyduringthefranticyearsofcareerbuildingandchildrearing,

then some sort of polyamory (either within the original couple or as a single person, post-

breakup) during middle age, and at last a gentle and loving wind down into affectionate

celibacy.Althoughwehaveheardofsomeremarkablysluttyretirementcommunities.

Theonlyobjectionwehavetomonogamyisnottothepracticeitselfbuttothewidespread

beliefthatit’syouronlymoralchoice.Bythispointinthebook,wehopeyou’vefiguredoutthat

it is onlyoneof myriad choices andthatyou gettodecidefor yourself (with input fromyour

partners)whatrelationshipstylewillworkbestforyou.

Ifyouthinkitovercarefullyanddecideyouwantmonogamy,you’llstillneedmostifnotall

oftheskillsyou’relearningaboutinthisbook:jealousy,timemanagementissues,thenatural

ebbandflowofdesire,andalltherestofithappentomonogamists,too.Sopleasereadon.

ABUNDANCE

Many traditional attitudesaboutsexuality arebasedon theunspoken beliefthat

thereisn’tenoughofsomething—love,sex,friendship,commitment—togoaround.

Ifyoubelievethis,ifyouthinkthatthere’salimitedamountofwhatyouwant,it

canseemveryimportanttostakeyourclaimtoyourshareofit.Youmaybelieve

thatyouhavetotakeyourshareawayfromsomebodyelse,becauseifit’ssucha

verygoodthing,someoneelseisprobablycompetingwithyouforit.Oryoumay

believethatifsomeoneelsegetssomething,thatmeanstheremustbelessofitfor

you.

Wewantallofourreaderstogeteverythingtheywant.Herearesomeideasthat

mighthelpyouoversomeoftheobstaclesonthepath.

StarvationEconomies

People often learn about starvation economies in childhood, when experiences

withparentswhoareemotionallydepletedorotherwiseunavailableteachusthat

wemustworkhardtogetouremotionalneedsmet.Welearnthatifwerelaxour

vigilanceforeven amoment,amysterious someone orsomething maytakethe

love we need away from us. Some of us may even have experienced real-world

hunger—havingtocompete for the food that keeps us alive—or outright neglect,

deprivation, or abuse. Or we may learn starvation economies later in life, from

manipulative,withholding,orpunitivelovers,spouses,orfriends.

The beliefs acquired in childhood are usually deeply buried and hard to see,

bothinindividualsandinourculture.Soyoumayhavetolookcarefullytosee

thepattern.Whenisitokaytowantanything?Peoplemaythinkthatifyoulove

Bill that means you must love Mary less, or if you’re committed to your

relationship with your friend, you must be less committed to your relationship

withyourspouse.Andthenhowdoyouknowifyou’renumberoneinapartner’s

heart?

This kind of thinking is a trap. We know, for example, that having a second

child doesn’t usually mean that a parent loves the first child less, and that the

person who owns three pets doesn’t necessarily give any less care to any one of

themthanthepersonwhoownsone.Butwhenitcomestosex,love,andromance,

it’shardformostpeopletobelievethatmoreforyoudoesn’tmeanlessforme,

andweoftenbehaveasifdesperatestarvationisjustaroundthecornerifwedon’t

stockpilesomeloverightnow.

LettingGo

Gettingoverpastfearsofstarvationcanbeoneofthebiggestchallengesofethical

sluthood.Itrequiresanenormousleapoffaith:youhavetoletgoofsomeofwhat

feelslikeyours,trustingthatitwillbereplacedinabundancebyagenerousworld.

Youneedtogetclearthatyoudeserveloveandnurturanceandwarmthandsex.If

the world hasn’t been all that generous to you in the past, this may be very

difficult.

Unfortunately,wecan’tpromiseyouthattheworldwillbegeneroustoyou.We

think it will, that if you loosen your possessive grip on the love that’s already

yours,you’llgetmorefromthepersonwholovesyouandmaybefromsomeother

people,too.Itcertainlyhasworkedforus.But,especiallyinthebeginning,letting

goofstarvationeconomiescanfeelalotlikeflyingonatrapeze:youhavetoletgo

of the security you already have, trusting that at the end of the leap, there will

alwaysbesomethingelsetocatchyou.

Is there a safety net for this kind of daredevilry? Well, yes, but it’s going to

requireanotherleapoffaith…becausethesafetynetisyou:yourself-reliance,your

self-nurturing, your ability to spend time in your own company. If being alone

seemsunbearabletoyou,thecouragerequiredtorelinquishwhat’s“yours”maybe

impossibletosummon.

Ontheotherhand,whatanincrediblyfreefeelingitistorealizethatthereis

enoughlove,sex,commitment,support,andnurturingtogoaround!Janetusedto

spendthenightswhenherpartnerwasoutwithsomeoneelsebysecuringadate

withoneofherotherloverssoshewouldn’thavetobealone.Now,shesays,“I

knowthatoptionisthereformeifIwantit,butmuchmoreoften,Ichooseto

spendthattime in my owncompany,enjoyingthe opportunityforsolitary self-

indulgence.” Knowing that the world offers plenty of companionship, she feels

safeenoughtonotneedthatreassurance.

Real-WorldLimits

Incontrasttostarvationeconomies,someofthethingswewantreallyarelimited.

There are only twenty-four hours in the day, for example— so trying to find

enoughtimetodoallthewonderfullysluttythingsweenjoy,withallthepeople

wecareabout,canbearealchallengeandsometimesimpossible.

Timeisthebiggestreal-worldlimitweencounterintryingtoliveandloveaswe

like. This problem is hardly exclusive to sluts; monogamous folks also run into

problemsfindingthetimeforsex,companionship,andcommunication.

Careful planning can help—if you don’t already keep a shared datebook or

onlinecalendar,nowisagoodtimetostart.Respectingoneanother’srealities,and

staying flexible, is important. Crises happen: a sick child, a work emergency, or

even another partner who needs companionship and reassurance during a

particularlybadtime.Youmightalsowanttodosomethinkingabouthowmuch

time you need to get your needs met: do you really have to stay over and have

breakfasttogetherthenextday,orwouldanhourortwoofcuddlingandtalkbe

justasnice?

However you work out your schedule, remember that everybody concerned

needstoknowaboutit,andthatmayincludemorepeoplethanyouareusedto

thinkingabout.Afriendofours,havingfailedtoinformhiswife’sloveraboutan

engagementthataffectedtheirschedule,moaned:“IknowItoldsomeone.”

Don’tforgettoscheduletimetorelatetoyourpartnerandplaywithyourkids.

Anddon’tleaveyourselfout:manybusyslutsfinditimportanttoschedulealone

timeforrestandreplenishment.Janet,whenshelivedinaGrandCentralStation–

like group household, had an arrangement with her girlfriend that she could

occasionallyusethegirlfriend’shouseforsolitaryretreats—arareandpreciousgift

—whenthegirlfriendwasoutoftown.

Space is another real-world limit for many people. Few of us are fortunate

enoughtoliveinmultiroommansionswithroomsdedicatedexclusivelytosex.If

you’re in your bedroom with your friend and your live-in partner is sleepy and

wantstogotobed,you’vegotaproblem.Crashing onanarrowcouchinone’s

ownapartmentwhileone’spartnerdisportswithsomeoneelseinone’sbedmay

be beyond the limits of even the most advanced slut. When you share your

bedroom or other play space with a partner or lover(s), we suggest making clear

agreementswellinadvanceofanydateandstickingstrictlytothem.Thisproblem

may be solved by separate bedrooms or personal spaces if you can afford them.

One couple we interviewed said, “Having separate bedrooms is a nonnegotiable

needforus;wewouldn’tbeabletomaintainthislifestylewithoutthem.”

Possessionscanalsobeanissue.It’sonlynaturaltowanttoshareourstuffwith

the people we care about. But this urge can cause problems when possessions—

money, food, art, sex toys—belong, legally or emotionally, to more than one

person. If there’s any chance that someone feels a sense of possession about an

item,westronglyrecommendthatyoutalkcarefullywiththatpersonbeforeyou

share the item with someone else. This rule is sometimes simple: you don’t let

yourloverpolishoffthecartonofmilkthatyourspousewasplanningtodrinkfor

breakfast. It sometimes gets tricky, though. While you may have the technical

righttogiveawayagiftthatwasgiventoyoubysomeoneelse,thewifewhosees

her husband’s Father’s Day tie around his lover’s neck may feel understandably

miffed.Similarly,it’s agood idea toget consentaboutsharing anitemthatwas

made for you by a lover or is something that the two of you bought together

during an intimate shopping trip on your anniversary. Many sluts, for the

purposes of hygiene and/or emotional attachment, set aside certain sex toys for

use with only one person: my vibrator, Harry’s dildo. Lending or giving jointly

owned money without discussing it with the co-owner is, we hope it’s not

necessarytosay,unacceptable.

SexualEconomies

The “tyranny of hydraulics” is Dossie’s phrase for the biological realities that

govern many aspects of sexuality. While it might be nice to think that you’re a

sexualsuperherowhocangenerateerectionsondemandadinfinitum,neitherofus

has yet met such a person. A partner who is looking forward to conventional

sexual activities with a lover may be quite understandably disappointed to find

themunavailablebyvirtueofhavingejaculatedwithanotherpartnerearlierthat

day.Andeventhemostmultiplyorgasmicofuscan’tstayturnedonforever.

Such problems can often be solved by readjusting your expectations of what

constitutessex—doesitreallyalwaysrequireanerection,anorgasm,anejaculation?

If partner A reaches orgasm before partner B, is there any reason why lovely

stimulationscan’tcontinueuntilpartnerBcomestotheirhappyending?

Practitionersoftantricyogahavedevelopedwaysbywhichmanypenisowners

can experience orgasm without ejaculation. These strategies are only somewhat

usefulforbirthcontrolandsafersexandarecertainlynosubstituteforcondoms.

But they come with a wonderful side effect: those who learn to orgasm without

ejaculating may conquer their refractory period, becoming able to come many

times. Practitioners of many other kinds of sex have developed ways in which

enthusiasticslutscangivetheirpartnersoneormanyorgasmsandenjoyasurfeit

of sensual pleasures themselves, regardless of their physiological state of arousal.

Erectionsmaycomeandgo,buttherestofthenervoussystemworksprettymuch

all the time. Before you give up on polyamory because of the tyranny of

hydraulics, we suggest you investigate at least some of these possibilities (take a

lookatchapter23,“SexandPleasure,”andsomeofthebooksinFurtherReading).

Rememberoutercourse.Rememberthehugerangeofsexualdelightsthatdon’t

have any relationship whatsoever to erections. Remember sensuality. Rediscover

massageforitsownsake.Shareafabulouslysmuttyconversationaboutwhatyou’d

liketodotoeachother.

“Erections may comeand go, but therestofthenervoussystemworks pretty

muchallthetime.”

AreYouReallyGoingtoStarve?

Whenyoutrytodecidewhatlimitsyouwanttotheopennessofyourrelationship,

it’snotalwayseasytotellwhicharebasedonrealityandwhichonfearorillusion.

First, you have topinpoint the areasin yourlifewhere youfeelinsecure,where

you perceive the possibility of deprivation—a task that requires a lot of self-

searchingandhonesty.Ithelpstoask,“WhatamIafraidmighthappen?”

Isyourpartner’sfondnessfortheirfriendreallygoingtomakethemfalloutof

lovewithyou?Whatifyourpartnerdoesn’tthinkyou’respecialanymore?Whatif

your partner is so ecstatically happy thatthey don’t needyou? Why wouldyour

partnereverwantyou,anyway?Thesearesomeofthehorriblelittlethoughtsthat

popupinourmindswhenwe’rescaredofstarving.

You need to decide whether the thing you fear is actually possible. Then you

need to choose what you want to do about it. Frequent check-ins, good

communication to keep you aware of whether anyone’s feeling deprived or

overextended,andlotsofinternalrealitychecks(isyourdisappointmentthatthey

can’tgetitupreallyjustthat,orisitangerorjealousyovertheirdatelastnight?)

can help. We’ll talk later about how to get reassurance and support when you’re

afraid.

LimitsCanStretch

Sometimes, you just have to try it and see. The old chestnut, “If you love

something,letitgo”issentimental,butmorethanakerneloftruthliesatitscore.

Inthesamewaythatdietersaresometimescounseledtoletthemselvesgethungry

toseewhatthatfeelslikeandlearnthattheycansurvivethefeeling,youmayneed

toletyourselffeeldeprived,simplytoprovetoyourselfthatfeelingdeprivedisn’t

the end of the world. Sometimes letting go of one pleasure opens your eyes to

another that was there from the start; sometimes a new one comes along;

sometimes you find out you don’t need it all that much right now anyway. We

can’ttellyouwhatlettinggowillfeellike;allwecandoisassureyouthatyouwill

learnsomethingfromit.

Learningnewthingstakestime,sogiveyourselfplenty.Itcanbeusefultoget

clearwithwhatyouareworkingonlearningrightnow—likehowtofeelsafeand

sexyandspecialwhenyourpartnerisoutonadate—andpromiseyourselfyouwill

learnthenextthing,well,next.Everychange,smallorlarge,isaccomplishedone

step at a time, so work on this step today, and you’ll be ready for the next one

tomorrowormaybenextweek—workingontoday’sstepishowyougetreadyfor

tomorrow.

PolyPioneers:TheOneidaCommunity

John Humphrey Noyes was a Protestant preacher in rural Vermont in the 1840s when he

discoveredaconnectionbetweensexandspirituality.Noyesfeltterribleaboutwantingsexafter

his wife had suffered through four dangerous pregnancies culminating in stillbirths, so he

experimentedwithsexthatcouldnotresultinpregnancy.Hediscoveredthatmen,byslowing

down the sexual act and possibly applying pressure to the perineum, could learn to have

orgasmswithoutejaculating.Thispracticemadepossiblemultipleorgasmsformen,and,tohis

surprise,intensifiedtheorgasmicexperiencetothelevelofreligiousecstasy.

Noyes embraced this expanded sexual practice as sacrament, preaching that the sexual

organswere“themediumofthenoblestworshipofGod.”(Manyreligiousgroupsaroundthe

worldhaveexploredsimilarphilosophies,creatingasubstantial bodyofbooks,websites,and

workshopsavailabletotheeroticexplorer.Ifyou’recurious,pointyourfavoritesearchengineto

termsliketantra,healingtao,andqodoushka.)

Noyesandhiscongregationsoondevelopedafreelovecommunitythatlastedinitspurest

form for more than thirty years. To escape judgmental neighbors, the congregation acquired

land in rural New York, in the town of Oneida, where they eventually built a nintey-three-

bedroommansionandestablishedbusinessestosupporttheircommunity,includingthestill-

functioningOneidaCommunitySilverware.

Oneidasoughttolivefreeofacquisitivenessandpossessiveness.Exclusiverelationshipswere

discouraged, and Oneidans worked to avoid what they called “sticky love”—by which they

meantromanceorfallinginlove—infavorofcommunallove.

The community evolved an ethos of women’s rights that was very advanced for its era.

Effortsweremadetoensureequalityinworkbetweenmenandwomen;womencuttheirhair

short and wore knee-length dresses with bloomers, giving them freedom of movement;

womenwereactiveparticipantsinchoosingsexualpartnersandweresentofftocollegesand

law schools and medical schools. Children were raised communally from about eighteen

months of age to accustom them to a communal life, discourage excessive attachment

between children and parents, and free the women to explore whatever work or learning

inspiredthem.

Unfortunately, Oneida was not immune to the nineteenth-century fad of eugenics. Noyes

jumped on the bandwagon, determining that his community was the best possible place to

breedsupermenandsuperwomenandbegantocontrolingreatdetailwhoshouldpropagate

with whom. Guess whoNoyes thought hadthebest genes?He hadmany descendants with

manydifferentmothers.

Eventually, Noyes was forced to flee to Canada, fearing prosecution under the Comstock

Lawsthatcriminalizedevenwritingaboutbirthcontrolasobscenity.IntheabsenceofNoyes’s

missionary zeal, the community continued for a while, mutually supportive but much less

communal—getting married more often, building private houses for couples and families on

thecommunalland,andsoon.Eventuallyitlookedalotmorelikeanicesmalltownthana

commune.

Themansionstillstandsasamuseum.

SLUTSKILLS

Greatslutsaremade,notborn.Theskillsyouneedtokeepyouandyourpartners

happyandgrowinggetdevelopedthroughacombinationofconsciouseffortand

frequentpractice.Thereareskillsyoucanlearnthatwillhelpstartyouradventure

ontherightfootandkeepitontrack.

Self-examination, in our opinion, is always a good idea—when you are

journeying without a map, having a clear picture of your internal landscape

becomesessential.Askyourself:Whatdoyouexpectfromthiswayoflivingyour

life? What rewards can you foresee that will compensate you for doing the hard

work of learning to be secure in a world of shifting relationships? Some people

who have already made the journey cite benefits like sexual variety, less

dependence on a single relationship, or a sense of belonging to a network of

friends,lovers,andpartners.Thepeopleweinterviewedsaidthingslikethis:

•“Igetrelieffrompressure—Idon’thavetofulfilleverysinglethingmy

partnerneedsorwants,whichmeansIdon’thavetotrytobesomebodyI’m

not.”

•“Peoplehavedifferentwaysofknowingandunderstandingthings,so

intimacywithvariouspeopleexpandsmyappreciationoftheuniverse.”

•“Icanhavehoteroticexperienceswithoutgenitalsexandwithout

compromisingmyemotionalmonogamy.”

•“Mylifestylegivesmepersonalfreedom,independence,andresponsibility

inawaythatbeinginanexclusivecoupledoesnot.”

•“Idon’tbelievethathumansaredesignedtobemonogamous.Monogamy

goesagainstmyinstincts.”

•“Ineverfeelthatthegrassmightbegreenerontheothersideofthefence—

I’vebeenthere.”

•“Outsidepartnersareaninfusionofsexualjuiceintomyprimary

relationship.”

As you read this book and hear some stories about successful sluts, you may

discoverspecialbenefitsforyou.Whatareyourreasonsforchoosingthispath?

Alas,manypeoplebegintoexploreopenrelationshipsbecausetheirpartneris

pushingthemintoitorbecausealltheirfriendsaredoingitandtheydon’twant

toseemprudish.Weaskthatyougetclearwithinyourselfthatyou’redoingthis

for you— because it excites you, because it offers opportunities for learning and

growthandfun,becauseyouwantto.Makenomistake,thiscanbearockyroad.If

you’renavigatingitforthewrongreasons,resentmentcaneasilypoisonthevery

relationshipsyousetouttoimprove.

Sexualchangecanbeapathofreprogrammingyourself,withabundantsexand

love as the carrot and the fear of deprivation, boredom, or self-loathing as the

stick.Becausewedon’tbelievetheurgetowardmonogamyisinnate,wethinkyou

must have learned your feelings and beliefs somewhere—from your parents, from

your past lovers, from your culture. What you have learned, you can obviously

unlearn,andyoucanlearnsomethingnew.Exploringyourfeelingsandchanging

yourreactionstothemcanbedifficult—butwhatafeelingofpowerandtriumph

eachtimeyousucceed!

“Sexual change can be a path of reprogramming yourself, with abundant sex

andloveasthecarrotandthefearofdeprivation,boredom,orself-loathingas

thestick.”

ToolsforSuccessfulSluttery

The people we know who succeed at ethical sluthood usually have a set of skills

that helps them forge their pathway cleanly, honestly, and with a minimum of

unnecessarypain.Herearesomeoftheskillswethinkareimportant.

COMMUNICATION

Learning to talk clearly, and listen effectively, is critical. A technique for good

listeningistolistentowhatyourpartnerhastosaywithoutinterruptingandlet

themknowyouheardthembytellingthemwhatyouthinktheyjustsaid.Usethis

clarificationtechniquebeforeyourespondwithyourownthoughtsandfeelings.In

thisway,youmakesureyouhaveclearunderstandingbeforeyougoonwithyour

discussion.Similarly,ifyou’retheonetalking,it’snotfairtoexpectyourpartner

toreadyourmind—takethetimeandefforttobeasclearandthoroughinyour

explanation as you can, and be sure to include information about the emotions

you’refeelingaswellasthefactsinvolved.

If your communications often seem to go awry, it might be a good idea to

spend some time and effort learning better communication skills: many adult

educationfacilitiesofferexcellentcommunicationclassesforcouples,andyoucan

doanInternetsearchon“communicationsskillscouples”withthenameofyour

areatofindsomethingnearyou.

EMOTIONALHONESTY

Beingabletoaskforandreceivereassuranceandsupportiscrucial.OneofJanet’s

partnersusedtorequest,whenJanetwasofftoajoyouslyanticipateddatewithone

of her other lovers, “Just tell me I don’t have anything to worry about.” Janet

reports that it felt very good to know that he was willing to ask for reassurance

whenheneededitandthathetrustedhertotellthetruthaboutherfeelings.If

youimaginehisfeelingsifhefeltinsecureanddidn’taskforreassurance,youcan

seewhyit’ssoimportanttogetyourneedsmetupfront.

Wehaveallbeenafraidtoask,wehaveallfailedtoask,wehaveallbeenirked

withourloverswhentheydidn’treadourmindsandofferusthereassurancewe

crave,andwehaveallthought,“Ishouldn’thavetoask.”Let’sremembertohonor

the courage it takes to ask for support, to share vulnerable feelings. Let’s pat

ourselvesonthebackwhenwedothethingsthatscareus,andthenlet’sdothem

somemore.

“Let’s remember to honor the courage it takes to ask for support, to share

vulnerablefeelings.”

AFFECTION

Similarly,it’svitaltobeabletogivereassuranceandsupport,bothinresponsetoa

requestandonyourown.Ifyoucan’ttellyourpartnersthatyoulovethemorgive

them a heartfeltcompliment ortell them whatyouthink is sowonderfulabout

them,itmaybeoptimistictoassumethatthey’llbeabletoremainsecureenough

toaccommodateyourotherrelationships.

Putsomethoughtintohowyoucanletyourpartnersknowhowimportantthey

are to you. We recommend lots of hugging, touching, verbal affection, sincere

flattery, little “love ya” gifts, and whatever else helps everyone feel secure and

connected.

FAITHFULNESS

Ifyouhaveoneormoreprimaryrelationships,takealookatwhatyoucandoto

reinforce their primacy. Many people in long-term relationships have certain

activities that they keep only for their life partners—particular sexual behaviors,

sleepovers,termsofaffection,orwhatever.Lookatyourpublicbehavior—areyou

comfortableintroducingyourpartnertothecutenumberyouareflirtingwithata

wildparty?Wefigureanycutiewhowouldbeputoffbymeetingourspouseswill

likely make trouble in the future, so it’s better if we find out now. Make

agreementswithyourpartnersbeforetheparty,andthenyouneedneverwonder

whetheryouarewelcometojoinagrouporaconversation thatyour belovedis

enjoying.

Pay attention, also, to how you acknowledge your nonprimary relationships.

Howwillapartneryoumayneverlivewithfeellovedandsecure?Whatrightsdoes

this partner have to your time and attention? How can you offer affection and

reassurancetoeveryonewhoisimportanttoyou?Makeitapointtoleteveryone

youloveknowit.Makeagreementswithyourlifepartnerorpartnersaboutwhat

youwilldowhenanoutsidepartnerneedssupportorhasacrisislikeanaccident

orillness.Whomakesthechickensoup?Maybeit’syou.

LIMITSETTING

Tobeahappyslut,youneedtoknowhow—andwhen—tosayno.Havingaclear

senseofyourownlimits,andrespectingthoselimits,cankeepyoufeelinggood

about yourself and help prevent those morning-after blues. Some limits may be

aboutsexualbehaviors:Wouldyouhavesexwithagenderotherthantheoneyou

usuallydo?Wouldyoutryakindofsexyouthinkiskinky?Limitsaboutsafersex

andbirthcontrolareobviouslyrequired:somethingsyoudefinitelydonotwant

to bring home with you. Limits might be about relationship styles, such as

frequencyofcontactorintensityofconnection.Wealsoencourageyoutothink

aboutethicaldilemmasandhowyou’dreacttothem.Wouldyou,forexample,bea

lovertoacoupledindividualwhosepartnerdidn’tknowaboutyourinvolvement?

Wouldyoulietoalover,fakeanorgasm?

Andthenthere’sthevery,veryimportantlimitof,“Idon’twantto,”evenifit’s

youranniversary,evenifyou’resupposedtowantto,evenifyouhaven’tforalong

time.Noexcusesareneeded.

Whenyourespectyourownlimits,otherswilllearntorespectthem,too.People

tendtoliveuptoyourstandardswhenyouarenotafraidtosetthem.Onlywhen

everyone’slimitsareoutintheopendoyoubecomefreetoaskforyourdearest

fantasies,secureintheknowledgethatifyourfrienddoesn’twantto,theywon’t.

From this position we can ask for the earth and often end up getting a goodly

chunkofit.

PLANNING

Successful sluts know that relationships don’t just happen—they take work,

planning,andcommitment.Fewofushavesomuchtimeonourhandsthatwe

can simply have conversations, sex, recreation, family time, or even fights

wheneverwefeellikeit—mundanerealityhasatendencytogetinthewayofsuch

importantstuff. Andyes,wedo thinkfightingis importantandnecessary—we’ll

talk more about the hows and whys in chapter 16, “Embracing Conflict.” If

schedulingafightseemsalittlebitabsurd,justimaginetheresultsoflettingthe

tensionbuildforseveraldaysbecauseyouhaven’tmadetimetoargue.

Get yourself a group calendar and use it: some of the online calendars, where

everyone can enter appointments and see what other appointments others have

made,workwellforthis.Onceyou’vemadeacommitmenttospendtimetogether

for any reason, keep it—we know you’re busy, but postponing important

relationship work to attend to other business does not speak well of the

significanceyougiveyourrelationships,doesit?

KNOWINGYOURSELF

Aswehavesaidbefore,weareallcarryingaroundalotofgarbageinourminds

aboutsexandgender;someofthesebeliefsareburiedsodeeptheycandriveour

behavior unconsciously, creating confusion and causing a great deal of pain to

ourselvesandthepeoplewelove.

Thesedeeplyheldbeliefsaretherootsofsexismandsex-negativity,andtobea

radicalslut,youaregoingtohavetouprootthem.Totrulyknowyourselfistolive

on a constant journey of self-exploration, to learn about yourself from reading,

therapy, and, best of all, talking incessantly with others who are traveling on

similarpaths.Thishardworkiswellworthitbecauseitisthewayyoubecomefree

to choose how you want to live and love, own your life, and become truly the

authorofyourexperience.

“Totrulyknowyourselfistoliveonaconstantjourneyofself-exploration.”

OWNINGYOURFEELINGS

A basic precept of intimate communication is that each person owns their own

feelings.Noone“makes”youfeeljealousorinsecure—thepersonwhomakesyou

feelthatwayisyou.Nomatterwhattheotherpersonisdoing,whatyoufeelin

responseisdeterminedinsideyou.Evenwhensomebodydeliberatelytriestohurt

you, you make a choice about how you feel. You might feel angry or hurt or

frightenedorguilty.Thechoice,notusuallyconscious,happensinsideyou.

Reachingthisunderstandingisnotaseasyasitsounds.Whenyoufeelrotten,it

canbehardtoaccepttheresponsibilityforhowyoufeel:wouldn’tthisbeeasierif

itweresomeoneelse’sfault?Theproblemisthatwhenyoublamesomeoneelsefor

how you feel, you disempower yourself. If this is someone else’s fault, only that

personcanfixit,right?Sopooryoucan’tdoanythingbutsitthereandmoan.

Ontheotherhand,whenyouownyourfeelings,youhavelotsofchoices.You

cantalkabouthowyoufeel, youcan choose whetheror notyouwanttoacton

thosefeelings,youcanlearnhowtounderstandyourselfbetter,youcancomfort

yourself or ask for comfort. Owning your feelings is basic to understanding the

boundariesofwhereyouendandthenextpersonbeginsandtheperfectfirststep

towardself-acceptanceandself-love.

“Whenyouownyourfeelings,youhavelotsofchoices.”

GOINGEASYONYOURSELF

Asprepared,ascentered,asstableasyouare,youaregoingtotripoverproblems

youneveranticipated—weguaranteeit.

Perhapsthemostimportantstepindealingwithproblemsistorecognizethat

they will happen and that it’s okay that they do. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll

encounter beliefs, myths, and “buttons” you never knew you had. There will be

timeswhenyou’llfeelprettyawful.

Canwetellyouhowtoavoidfeelingbad?Nope.Butwethinkyou’dforgivea

friendorloverwhomisunderstoodormadeamistake,andwehopeyou’llgrant

yourselfthesameamnesty.Knowing,loving,andrespectingyourselfisanabsolute

prerequisitetoknowing,loving,andrespectingsomeoneelse.Cutyourselfsome

slack.

A friend of ours, when she trips over some surprisingly intense emotional

response, says, philosophically, “Oh well—AFOG,” which stands, she says, for

“AnotherFucking OpportunityforGrowth.”Learningfromone’smistakesisn’t

fun,butit’swaybetterthannotlearningatall.

TELLINGTHETRUTH

Throughout yourexperience—as youfeel pain,ambivalence,joy—youmustspeak

yourowntruth,firsttoyourselfandthentothosearoundyou.Silentsufferingand

self-deceptionhavenoplaceinthislifestyle.Pretendingthatyoufeelgreatwhen

you’reinagonywillnotmakeyouabetterslut;itwillmakeyoubitterlyunhappy,

anditmaymakethosewhocareaboutyouevenunhappier.Everybodyfeelsbad

sometimes,soyouareinexcellentcompany.Andwhenyouhavethecouragetobe

openaboutavulnerablefeeling,everyonearoundyougetspermissiontobeopen

withtheirs.

Whenyoutellthetruth,youdiscoverhowmuchyouhaveincommonwiththe

people you care about. Honesty puts you in an excellent position to support

yourselvesandeachotherinalifebasedonunderstandingandlovingacceptance.

Asyoudigdeeperandshareyourdiscoveries,youmaylearnmoreaboutyourself

and others than you ever knew before. Welcome that knowledge and keep on

diggingformore.

EXERCISE:SOMEAFFIRMATIONSTOTRY

Maybetheseaffirmationswillworkforyouormaybeyouneedto

createyourown.Whateveryoucomeupwith,writethemdown,

postthemonyourrefrigerator,carrythemaroundinyourpocket,

andwhenyoufeelyouneedto,standinfrontofamirrorandtell

themtoyourself.

· Ideservelove.

· Mybodyissexyjustthewayitis.

· IaskforwhateverIwantandsaynotowhateverIdon’t.

· Icanturndifficultiesintoopportunitiesforgrowth.

· Eachnewconnectionexpandsme.

· IcontainallIneedforalifefullofdelight.

· Sexisabeautifulexpressionofmylovingspirit.

· Iamonmypersonalpathtoecstasy.

ABriefHistoryofShame

Mostofusgrewupinanatmosphereofshameaboutbodiesandsex.Weweretaughtshame

ataveryearlyage,beforewecouldunderstandmorethantheacutelyuncomfortablefeeling.

Those of us who have seen very young children explore their bodies know that toddlers

explorethoseinteresting-feelingpartsinthecrotchwiththesameinnocentcuriositythatleads

themtoplaywiththeirtoes:theyarelearningtheirbodies.

And that gets us to a very important truth: every single one of us was taught not to

masturbateinthelivingroom.Heretheparents’responsepredictsthefuture:Manyparentswill

respond to any childhood masturbation with shock and horror, teaching us that our genitals

aredirtyandshameful.Someluckyfewofushadparentswhogentlytaughtusthatbigpeople

masturbateintheirbedroomswiththedoorshut—andthatpopulationis,wearegladtonote,

steadilyincreasing.

If we take a look within ourselves when shame arises, we might find the places where we

blockourselves,wheresomehowwebelievethatsomethingisverywrongwithus,andnoone

willeverloveusorchoosetoconnectwithusoncetheyseeourbrokenness.Sohowdowe

createapathtorecoveryfromanyshamewelearnedwhenweweretoosmalltounderstand

why?

Herearewordstoliveby:theenemyofshameiscuriosity—thesamecuriositywemighthave

beenpunishedforwhenweweretwo.Curiositythatwantstobeplayful,toexplorewhatfeels

good;curiositythatlets us wonder why our tongues gettied andourcheeks burnwhenthe

momentcomestotellapersonwholovesandacceptsuswhat,precisely,wedreamofdoing

withthem.

Sohowcanwegetfromwherewearetowherewewanttobe,freeofallthatworryingand

shame? Use your curiosity to ask, “How did I learn this?” “What did I come to believe about

myselfwhenIwastaughtthattouchingmyself‘downthere’wasshameful?”“WhatdoIbelieve

aboutmyselftoday?”“WhatdoIthinkwouldbeahealthierbelief?”

Perhaps if we give ourselves some comfort and support, perhaps if we remember to offer

comfortandsupportwhensomeonewecareaboutisstuckinthesamesortofway,perhaps

wecancometobelievethatwedeservecomfortandsupport.

Anotherofthegreatvirtuesofcuriosityisthat,insexualexploration,wecanbecomethose

children we once were, delightedly exploring how this feels, how that feels, giggling and

writhing, asking how does my body work, how does your body work? We can unbridle our

curiosity.Getsillywithit.Play.

Dossiethetherapistmaintainsthatinsexwemayfindcomfortandresolutionofourdeepest

fears by giving them a healing injection of the life force in the form of an orgasm. Think of

sexualjoyasaproud,strongmessagethatIam,andweare,onsomeveryprofoundlevel,all

right.

BOUNDARIES

Manypeoplebelievethattobeaslutistobeindiscriminate,tonotcareaboutwho

youmakelovewithandthustonotcareaboutyourself.Theybelievethatwelive

inexcessivelywideopenspaces,withnodiscrimination,nofences,noboundaries.

Nothingcouldbefurtherfromthetruth.Tobeanethicalslutyouneedtohave

verygoodboundariesthatareclear,strong,flexible,and,aboveall,conscious.

One very successful slut we interviewed is outraged by accusations of

indiscriminacy,pointingoutthatslutsgetagreatdealofopportunitytodevelop

exquisitelysophisticateddiscrimination:“Weactuallyhavemoreboundariesthan

mostfolksbecausewehavemorepointsofcontact,”moreexperiencerelatingin

verydifferentwaystoverydiversepeople.

“Noonecanownanotherperson.”

WhatAreBoundaries?

It is basic to any relationship, and particularly important in open relationships,

that no one can own another person. Some of us who are kinked that way may

explorekindsofpowerexchangesthatwecall“ownership,”butregardlessofour

relationshipstyle,itisessentialandincontrovertiblethatweeachownourselves—

lock, stock, and barrel. We each have the responsibility of living our own lives,

determining our individual needs, and arranging to get those needs met. We

cannotlivethroughapartner,norcanweassumethatjustbecausewehavealover,

allourneedsshouldautomaticallybesatisfied.Manyofushavebeentaughtthatif

ourloverdoesnotmeeteveryneed,thismustnotbetruelove,ourlovermustbe

somehow inadequate, or we must be at fault—too needy or undeserving or some

othersin.

If you were brought up to believe that your relationship would provide your

other—or(shudder)better—halforthatyourdestinyistosubmergeyouridentity

inarelationship,youwillprobablyhavetoputsomeattentionintolearningabout

your own boundaries. Boundaries are how we understand where I end and you

begin,wherewemeet,andhowweareseparateindividuals.Youneedtofigureout

whereyourlimitsare,whatconstitutescomfortabledistanceorclosenessbetween

yourselfandothersinvarioussituations,andparticularlythewaysinwhichyou

andyourloversareindividualandunique.

“Whenyougraspyouremotions,youhavesomethingunbelievablyvaluableto

bringtoyourrelationships.”

OwningYourChoices

Aswe’vealreadydiscussed,eachpersonownstheirownemotions,andeachperson

isresponsiblefordealingwiththoseemotions.Understandingthisisthefirststep

toclaimingsomethingveryprecious—yourownfeelings.Andwhenyougraspyour

feelings,youhavesomethingunbelievablyvaluabletobringtoyourrelationships.

Whenyoufindyourselfrespondingtosomeoneelse’sbehavior,itcanbeeasyto

dwell onwhatthatpersonhasdoneandhowterribleitisandwhatexactlythey

shoulddotofixit. Instead,trylooking atyour ownfeelingsas amessage about

yourinternalstateofbeing,andthendecidehowyouwanttodealwithwhatever’s

goingon.Doyouwanttofindoutmore?Doyouwanttodiscussalimit?Doyou

wantalittletimetoyourselftocalmdownandgetcentered?Doyouwanttobe

heardaboutsomething?Whenyoutakeresponsibility,yougetthesechoices,and

more.

Whatyouarenotresponsibleforisyourlover’semotions.Youcanchoosetobe

supportive—we’re great believers in the healing power of listening—but it is not

yourjobtofixanything.Onceyouunderstandthatyourlover’semotionsarenot

yourjoboryourfault,youcanlistenandreallyhearwithoutfallingvictimtoan

overwhelmingneedtofigureoutwhosefaultitisortomaketheemotionchange

orgoaway.

Somepeoplehabituallyrespondtoalover’spainandconfusionwithanintense

desire to fix something. Fix-it messages can feel like invalidation to the person

whoistryingtoexpressanemotion.“Whydon’tyoujustdothis…trythat…forget

about it…relax!” sends the message that the person expressing the emotion has

overlookedsome obvious andsimple solution andis anidiotforfeelingbadin

thefirstplace.

Beingresponsibleforyouremotionsdoesn’tmeanthatyouhavetoconquerall

yourdifficultfeelingsbareknuckledandsolo.Youcanaskforthehelpyouneed—

reassurance, validation, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to vent in, a brain to

brainstormwith—fromfriends,lovers,and/oragoodtherapist.Andyou,inturn,

willdoyourbesttomakeyourselfavailablewhenyourfriendsandloversneedthis

kindofhelpfromyou…right?

Learningtooperateyour emotional system consciouslymayrequirechanging

some old habits and can feel very shaky, sort of like learning to ride a bicycle.

You’llprobablyfalldownafewtimes,butifyoupickyourselfupandkeepgoing,

eventually you’ll get the feel of it. And once you get your balance, you’ll never

forget.

RelationshipBoundaries

Relationships also have boundaries. The agreements that free-loving singles,

couples, and families make with respect for each other’s feelings constitute the

boundariesoftheirrelationships.Inanopensexualcommunity,itisimportantto

dealwitheachrelationshipwithinitsownboundaries.Forexample,youfigureout

yourlimitswithyourpartnersbeforeyougotothesexparty,youdon’tuseyour

lover to diss your spouse, and decisions are made with input from everyone

affectedbythemandnotbehindanybody’sback.

Communitiesbasedonsexandintimacyworkbestwheneverybodyhasrespect

for everybody’s relationships, which includes not only lovers but also children,

familiesoforigin,neighbors,exes,andsoon.Wheneveryoneisconsciousofand

caring about boundaries, such communities can evolve into highly connected

familysystems.

“Youcan’tlearnfromyourerrorsifyoualwayshavetoberight.”

Bewillingtolearnfromyourmistakes.Boundariescangettrickyattimes,sowe

hopeyougiveyourselflotsofslacktoexplore.Expecttolearnbytrialanderror,

andhavecompassionforyourselfwhenthingsinevitablydon’tworkouttheway

youhopedtheywould.Remember,youcan’tlearnfromyourerrorsifyoualways

havetoberight!

Dumping

Oneplacewhere peopleoftengetconfusedisdifferentiating between the honest

sharing of feelings and dumping. Dumping means using others as your garbage

pit,spewingyourproblematicstuffalloverthemandleavingit there.Dumping

usually carries the expectation that the dumpee will do something about the

problem,evenifit’ssimplytotakeontheburdenofworryingsothatthedumper

canstop.Usuallyyoucanavoiddumpingbymakingittotallyclearthatyourneed

toshareyouremotionalstatecarriesnoobligationforyourlistener:“Idon’tlike

yourhavingadatewithPaulatonight,”followedbyaheavyandpregnantsilence,

carries an entirely different weight than, “I’m feeling insecure about your date

with Paula tonight, but I want you to go ahead and have it. Are you okay with

listeningtosomeofmyfears?CanwetalkabitaboutwaysthatImightbeableto

feelalittlesafer?”

Projection

Anothertricktowatchoutforisprojection:usinganotherpersonasascreento

runyourmovieon.Youseeyourfantasyandmisstherealperson.Youimagine

youknowthisperson’sthoughts,wheninfactyouarethinkingaboutyourfears.

Maybeyouimaginethattheywillrespondthesamewayyourparentsdid:“Iknow

you’llrejectmeifIdon’tmakealotofmoney,”“You’llneverrespectmeifIshow

youmysadness.”Oryoumightbeprojectingyourexpectations,projectionsthat

yourlovers—whoarenotmindreaders—canneverliveupto:“You’resupposedto

takecareofme!”and“Whaddayamean,you’renothorny?I’mhorny!”

When you make a commitment to own your own emotions, you can stop

projecting them onto people you care about. Then you can be free to see the

people you love clearly, in all their glory. When you find yourself thinking

blameful thoughts about your partner, you might ask yourself: “What do I own

here?”Whatyouseeinsidemightbesomethinglike,“Wow,Isoundjustlikemy

fatherwhenhewasangry”or“IfeelthewayIdidwhenIwaseightandusedto

hideintheclosetwhenIwasupset.”Thenyoumightgotoyourloverandshare

how whatever was going on woke up some old tapes of yours, and you can

brainstormwhatyouwanttodoaboutthat.Wheneachofyouworktogetherto

own your stuff, then your partner can support you in exploring your emotions

and, more important, learn to stop projecting onto you as well. Then you need

neveragainfeellikeapuppetinsomebodyelse’sshow.

RoleBoundaries

Youmayfindyourselfplayingoutdifferentroles,indeed,feelinglikeasomewhat

differentperson withdifferentpartners.Withonepartneryoumightfeel young

andvulnerableandprotected;withanother,youareearthmother.Withonelover

youmightfeelcarefulandsolidandsafe;withanotheryoumightbedashingand

reckless.Theseboundariesmayseemunfamiliarorconfusingwhenwedon’thave

muchexperiencewithlivinginmultiplerelationships.

Janetoncegotawonderfulfeelingofacceptanceforallherpartsataparty:

IenjoygamesinwhichIrole-playthepartofalittlegirl,butmythen-partner

wasn’tcomfortablewiththem.Afterabitofsearching,though,Ifoundwithin

mycircleofacquaintancesamanwhoenjoyedbeinga“daddy”asmuchasI

enjoyedhavingone.MypartnerwasdelightedI’dfoundasafeplacetoplaythat

role,andwebothfeltI’dmadeagoodchoiceinselectingsomeonetowhomI

couldentrustsuchvulnerablepartsofme.“Daddy”andIgottogetheronceor

twiceamonthforfingerpainting,watchingDisneymovies,eatingpeanutbutter

sandwiches,andothersomewhatmoreadultpleasures.

AtonepointIattendedapartywherebothmylifepartnerandmy“daddy”

wereinattendance.Fromacrosstheroom,Isawthetwoofthemchatting,and

Iheadedovertosayhi.AsIdrewcloser,mypartnerheldhisarmoutinvitingly

andcalled,“Hey,hon,comeoverandhangoutwithyourdadandyour

boyfriendforawhile.”Thefeelingofacceptance,andthewarmthofknowing

thetwomenacceptedandhonoredeachother’sroleinmylife,wasamazing.

Oneofthethingspeoplegetoutofmultiplerelationshipsisthechancetobeall

of their various selves. When two people meet, they relate where they intersect,

where they have complementary roles in similar scripts. So by being different

thingswithdifferentlovers,wemightfindourselveshavingdifferentboundaries,

limits,andrelationshipstylesindifferentcircumstances.

Your own internal variety might manifest in many ways. For instance, you

might be calm and centered when Lover A is angry, but Lover B’s irritability is

distressingtoyou—it“pushesyourbuttons,”perhapsremindingyouofapastlover

orapunitiveparent.Hereisanopportunitytotakechargeofyourbuttons.When

yourbuttonsareyourown,itbecomesmucheasiertofigureoutwhatyourlimits

needtobewithLoverBandtounderstandthattheymaybealtogetherdifferent

fromyourlimitswithLoverA.

Forgetabout fairness.Ethicalsluttery does notmeanthatallthings comeout

equal. Different relationships have different boundaries, different limits, and

different potentials. So if your lover has found someone that they can share a

certainactivitywith,andyouwouldlikeyourlovertosharethatwithyoutoo,the

questionisnot,“Whydon’tyoudothatwithme?”but“Thatsoundsinteresting;

howdoyousupposewecouldmakethatworkforus?”

Thisishowonewomanweinterviewedputit:

Myopensexuallifestylegivesmepersonalfreedom,independence,and

responsibilityinawaythatbeinganexclusivecoupledoesn’t.BecauseI’m

responsible,everyday,formyneedsbeingmet(ornot),andforcreatingand

maintainingtherelationshipsinmylife,Icantakenothingforgranted.Every

personImeethasthepotentialforwhateveritisthat’srightbetweenmeand

thatperson,regardlessofhowmyrelationshipsarewithanybodyelse.Andso

thislifestylegivesmeaveryconcretefeelingofindividualitythatIre-createevery

day.Ifeelmorelikeagrown-up,adult,responsiblepersonwhenIknowthatmy

life,allofit—whoIfuck,whoIrelateto,howIrelatetothem—isallmychoice.I

promisedmypartnerthatIwouldsharemylifewithhim,andthatimpliestome

thatIhavealifetoshare—acompletelife.Andit’scleartomethathe’shere

becausehewantstobehere,wherever“here”is.Wearewitheachother,every

day,becausewereallywanttobe.

OnAsexuality

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network defines an asexual as “someone who does not

experiencesexualattraction.”Aparallelidentityisthe“aromantic,”whomayormaynotalsobe

asexual but does not relate to people romantically. There are many gradations of both

asexuality and aromanticism: people speak of “graysexuals,” who are somewhere between

asexual and sexual; “demisexuals,” who feel sexual only toward people they love; and many

others (with parallel categories available to the aromantic). We can’t possibly list all the

categories of asexuality and aromanticism here, but we encourage you to seek out more

informationabouttheseorientations ifthey’re unfamiliartoyou—many peopleare startledto

findinthemselvessomekinshipwithatleastsomeasexual/aromanticidentities.

Likeallsexualorientations,asexualityandaromanticismmaybefluid,evolvingasanygiven

individualgrowsandchanges.Ortheymaystaystablefromearliestself-awarenessonward.

Manyasexualsandaromanticsfindsluthoodagoodfit,astheycanconnectwithpartnersin

thewaysthatworkforthem,whilethepartnerscanseekwaysofconnectingwithothersthat

theasexualand/oraromanticpartnerisnotinterestedinsharing.

Janet has attended some asexuality panels and workshops and has been amazed by how

many talking points they had in common with ethical sluthood, including the idea that

connectioncanbemadeinallsortsofways,genitalandnongenital,andthathavinggenitalsex

doesnotmakearelationshipsomehowmore“real.”

THEUNETHICALSLUT

Some people treat sex as a big-game hunt—trying to conquer the unwilling and

unwitting victim, as though the object of their attention would never decide to

sharesexwiththemunlesstrickedintoit.Believingthatapersonwouldhaveto

be a fool to make love with you is often, we observe, a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Usingsextoshoreupsaggingself-esteembystealingsomeoneelse’sdoesnotwork

tobuildasolidsenseofself-worth,andthisthiefoflovewillhavetogoonstealing

moreandmorewithouteverfeelingfulfilled.

Such people often approach open sexual lifestyles as if keeping score. Set

collectorsandtrophyfuckerstreattheirpartnerslikeprizesinacontesttheyhave

setouttowin.

Theconceptofset collectorsmaybenewtoyou,butweassureyou thatsuch

people exist. A friend of ours once discovered that a would-be lover of hers had

alreadyhadsexwithhermotherandhersisterandwashopingtocompletetheset.

Sex that means treating your partners as collectibles does not meet our

requirementsformutualrespect.

Somepeopleapproach“scoring”asifallpeoplecanberankedonahierarchy

from the most to the least desirable and the way to make the most points and

assureyourselfofahighrankistocollectpartnersashighuptheladderasyoucan

reach. People gain in rank and value in these hierarchies by being thin, young,

cute,gym-toned,wealthy,and/orofhighsocialstatus.

Wedonotbelievethatloveisagamethatyoucanwinbyscoringhighona

hierarchyofshallowvalues.Weknowfromextensiveexperiencethatappearance

andwealtharenotpredictorsofgoodloving.Wetrytoavoidrankingpeopleas

betterorworsethaneachotherandareunhappywiththosewhowanttorelateto

ourrankmorethanourselves.Hierarchiesproducevictimsonthetopaswellas

thebottom,becauseitisalmostasalienatingtobeapproachedbytoomanypeople

forthewrongreasonsasitistobeapproachedbynobodyatall.

Somewhohaveahistoryofnonconsensualnonmonogamymaygetattachedto

thesenseofsecrecy,ofgettingawaywithsomething.Thesefolksmayhaveavery

hard time adapting to the idea of consensual sluthood—they’re so used to

concealingtheiractivitiesfromtheirpartnersthattheymayevenhavebuiltthat

furtivefeelingintotheireroticlife,hookedontheadrenalinerushtheygetfrom

forbiddenfruit.Ittakesaprettysubstantialleapoffaith,andmaybesomecreative

fantasizingandrole-playing,forsuchindividualstoopenuptheirhiddenplaces

andexperiencethegreaterjoythatcancomefromknowingthatnobodyisgetting

hurtbytheirfun.

Peoplewhorefusetolearntousebarriersthatgetbetweenpeopleandvirusesare

notethicalsluts.Theyare,quitesimply,playingdirtywhentheyarguewithlovers

about allowing potentially infectious sex, insisting on sex without barriers, or

attemptingtosneakaroundalover’slimitsaboutsafersex.Refusingtodealwith

therealitiesofvirusesandbacteriabecauseofembarrassmentisalsounethical:a

goodslutspeaksthetruthevenifblushingfuriously.

Ethical sluts do not make promises they can’t keep. If you are attracted to

someonewhoislookingforalifepartnershipandwhatyouwantisalighthearted

affair(orviceversa),youneedtobehonestaboutthat,evenifthatmeanssaying,

“No, thank you” to sex until your feelings for each other are more on a par.

Mistakes can easily be made—sometimes accidentally and sometimes when we

shouldhavepredictedthatsomeonewouldgethurt.

We have both made such mistakes. Now, your older and wiser authors have

discovered a couple of limits of our own: we do not share sex with anyone that

we’renotatleastpotentiallyinterestedinsharingsexwithagain,andwebelieve

that anything worth doing is worth waiting for until the time is right. One

hallmarkofaskillfulslutistolearnfromone’smistakesandkeepgoing.Dossie

madesuchamistakewhenshewasveryyoungandstupid:

Mylong-termrelationshiphadjustbrokenupandIwasprettybrokenupabout

itmyself.IwentouttothecoffeeshopinGreenwichVillageandsawmyrecent

exinearnestconversationwithacuteyoungthingwhowasnotme.Ifelt

horriblybetrayed,lost,andworthless.Justthen,ayoungmanwhohadbeen

attractedtome,andforwhomIhadnoseriousfeelings,cameuptospeakto

me.Itsomehowseemedappropriatetogohomewithhimandlethimsoothe

myruffledfeathers,butIregretteditthenextdaywhenIfoundmyselfhurting

hisfeelingsandleavinghiminthelurch.Tofurtheraggravatemyguilt,itturned

outthatwhatmyexwasdoingwiththatsweetgirlwasbeatinghisbosom

abouthowhorriblehefeltaboutbreakingupwithme—wewoundupgetting

backtogether.IhavealwaysfeltthatItookadvantageoftheyoungmanwho

offeredmehisaffection,whichIthoughtlesslytookandthengaverightbackto

him.ItwouldhavebeenkinderhadIjustsaidno.

Andthatbringsustorevengefucking.Itistrulynastytoarrangetohavesex

with one person to get back at another. To arouse one person’s insecurities,

jealousy,andotherpainfulfeelingsonpurposeisdishonorable,andtouseanother

personasapuppetinyourplay isdisrespectfulandoftendownrightabusive.In

psychopathology,being“antisocial”isdefinedasbehavingwithflagrantdisregard

for the rights, and we would add the feelings, of others. We prefer to relate to

sociablepeople.

Whatdoyoudowhensomeoneinyourintimatecircleisnotplayinghonestly?

It helps if the people in your extended family have ways to talk about what is

goingon,toshareexperiencesandfeelings.Ifeveryoneistooashamedtoadmitto

havingbeenmisusedbysomeonewithanuntrustworthyhiddenagenda,thenno

onewillhavetheinformationtheyneedtoprotectthemselves.Thereisnoshame

in having believed someone’s lies, and most of us at some time or other have

givenourtrusttosomeonewhoturnedoutnottobeworthyofit.Itispossibleto

foolanhonestperson,butwehopeyouhaveenoughhumilitytolearnfromyour

mistakesandnotgetfooledtwice.

All these difficult scripts are about somebody not being honest and are also

aboutsomebody having sexwhileavoiding intimacyandemotional connection.

When you are not telling the truth, you cannot be present; when you are not

present,youcan’tbeconnectedtoanyoneelse;andwhenyouarenotconnected,

howcanyoufeelanythingatall?

Bytreatingloversaspeopleandlettingrelationshipstaketheshapestheywant

insteadoftheformsforcedonthembytheculturearoundthem,ethicalslutscan

formrelationshipsthatlast.

FLIRTINGANDCRUISING

Flirtingandcruisingareskillsthatyoucanlearn,eventhoughfewpeopledevelop

themovernight.

Isthereadifferencebetweenflirtingandcruising?Thedistinctionisnotclear

cut.Somepeoplethinkof“flirting”aswhatyoudoinenvironmentsthatarenot

eroticallyorientedand“cruising”aswhatyoudoinclubs,conferences,bars,and

otherplaceswherepeopleoftenseeksexpartners.Oryoumightseeflirtingasa

moreintroductorymaneuverandcruisingaswhatyoudowhenyouknowforsure

thatyou’reinterested.Bothinvolveanexchangeofsexualenergyintheformof

eyecontact,bodylanguage,smilesandwarmth,andlittleflashesoferoticenergy

thatcanbesharedlongbeforeanyphysicalcontactwouldbeappropriate.

Genderrolescancomplicatebothflirtingandcruising.Peopleraisedasmenin

thisculturearetaughttopush,insist,nevertakenoforananswer;thoseraisedas

women are taught to be coy, duck and dodge, never offer an outright yes. The

morepolarizedwegetinthissillyequation,thefurtherwepushoneanotheraway

—withresultsthatrangefromhurtfeelingstodaterape.

“When all genders feel free to answer yes or no, a truer understanding and a

morepositivesexualitybecomepossible.”

Thegoodnews,though,isthatbothsetsofbehaviorscanbeunlearned.When

allgendersfeelfreetoansweryes ornowithnoconcernforanythingbuttheir

owndesires,atruerunderstandingandamorepositivesexualitybecomepossible.

SayingYes,SayingNo

Sexualsophisticatestendtogiveeachotheralotofcreditforknowingwhatthey

want.Withthisassumption,itbecomeseasierforyourpotentialpartnerstomake

very direct proposals that might seem outrageous in any other context; that’s

becausethey trustyou tosay noifyou’re notinterested.It is nobody’staskbut

your own to figure out what you want, and nobody can or should second-guess

you.Soyouaregoingtohavetolearntosaynoandtosaynoeasilyenoughthat

havingtoturndownacoupleofunwelcomecome-onswon’truinyourevening.

Mostpeoplehavetroublewith“no”—manymenaretaughtthattheyarealways

supposedtobeeagerforsex,soifsomeonecomesontothemwhentheyarenot

readyornotinterested,itcanfeelunmanlyandwrongtosayno.

Thetricktoacomfortable“no”istostructureitinsuchawaythatit’sabout

you,notaboutthem.Soinsteadof,“Withyou?Areyououtofyourmind?”you’re

saying, “No, thanks. You seem nice but I’m not feeling much connection with

you”or“No,thanks.I’mnotreallylookingforloversrightnow”or“No,thanks.I

prefertogettoknowpeoplealotbetterbeforeIdoanythinglikethatwiththem.”

Important note: the “thanks” should be sincere. Being asked, even by someone

youdon’tfindattractive,isacomplimentanddeservesathank-you.Ifyouthink

someoneisridiculousforfindingyouattractive,weworryaboutyourself-esteem.

Many women have been taught that it is unfeminine to say no directly. Ask

yourself:Whenwasthelasttimeyousaidnotosex?Howdidyoudoit?Wasit

with a polite and friendly but unmistakable “No, thanks”? Or was it with “Not

tonight;I’vegotaheadache”or“Maybeanothertime”or“I’llthinkaboutit”?We

strongly suggest you work out a “No, thanks” that feels comfortable to you;

expecting the interested party to read your mind and somehow know that your

“maybe…”means“no”isneitherethicalnorslutty.

We also need to practice saying yes. Our cultural myth is that the man in a

heterosexualinteractionpleadswithorconsorbulliesthewomanintosayingyes,

or at least refraining from saying no, and then does whatever he thinks is

appropriate.Female-identifiedpeopleneedtoequalize,todomoreofthechoosing,

toknowwhatitisthatyouenjoyandtobeabletosayclearlywhatyouwantto

whomever you find attractive. And if you are a male-identified person whose

programmingismoreaboutwhatyouthinkyouaresupposedtowantthanwhat

youactuallywant,thenyouneedtolearntosayyestoyourrealdesireswhenthey

appearonyourdoorstep.

Onceyou’vegottencomfortablewith“no,”“yes”isusuallyeasier.Tryit,inall

itsvariations:“Yes,please.”“Yes,when?”“Yes,butIhavesomelimitsIwanttotell

you about first.” “Yes, but I need you to talk to my partner first.” “Yes, but not

tonight;howdoesnextTuesdaylookforyou?”“Hell,yes!”

“Onceyou’vegottencomfortablewith‘no,’‘yes’isusuallyeasier.”

TheFineArtofFlirting

Everybodyisbornknowinghowtoflirt,andifyoudoubtit,watchthewayababy

ortoddlerinteractswithnearbyadults:lotsofeyecontact,smiles,maybeachortle

ofwelcome,andtheofferofabelovedtoy(whichmust,accordingtotherules,be

handedbackafterdueadmiration,justlikeadulttoys).

Mostofus,though,losethispreciousabilitybythetimewe’regrown-upsand

need to learn it all again from scratch. Your authors believe that great flirting

shouldbeanendinitselfratherthanameanstoanend.Practiceflirtingforfun

andmaybeputaside,forthemoment,anyspecificgoalsaboutgettinglaid.Focus

on getting good connection. Watch the way many gay men flirt with straight

women—friendly flattery, lighthearted innuendo, nonthreatening intimacy, all

madepossiblebytherealizationthattheinteractionisintendedsimplyformutual

pleasure,notinthehopesofaquickdashtothenearestbedroom.

We suggest, then, that you learn to flirt simply by practicing. The sort of

behavioryoumayassociatewiththewordflirting(“Hey,baby,what’syoursign?”)

isnotthesortofthingwe’retalkingaboutandis,infact,itsexactopposite.Great

flirtingisaboutseeing;hungertobeseenisanaturalhumanemotion,andwhen

youshowpeoplethatyou’reseeingthem,it’snaturalforthemtostartseeingyou.

A lot of flirting is nonverbal. There’s a way of holding eye contact for just a

momentlongerthanusual—morethanapassingglance,lessthananoutrightstare

—thatletsapersonknowthatyoufindthemworthlookingat.Turnyourbodyso

thatyou’refacing theobjectof yourinterestandstayphysicallyopen,armsand

legsuncrossed.Smile.

Ifyourflirtingproceedstowords,wesuggestasincere,personal,butnonsexual

complimenttostart.Isthepersonnexttoyouontheparkbenchleadingapoodle

that’ssportingafreshhaircut?Didyouhearthroughthegrapevinethatyournext-

doorneighborjustgotanicepromotionatwork?Asincerecomplimentonanyof

theseisawayofsaying,“I’mpayingattentiontoyou;you’renotjustafaceinthe

crowdtome.”Thisapproachmaynotseemlikeflirtingtoyou,buttrustus,it’sa

greatfirststep.Commentingonphysicalappearance,particularlyinasexualway

(“Those pants make your ass look great!”) is not what we’re talking about. Your

goal is to make your friend feel fully seen, not reduced to an agglomeration of

bodyparts.

Watchforfeedback.Ifwewereflirtingwithyouandyouturnedyourfaceaway

fromus,tookastepback,orcrossedyourarms,we’dknowyouweren’tinterested

in connectingandwe’dmove ongracefully.We wouldn’tlike itanybetter than

anyoneelsedoes,butwe’ddoourbestnottofeelrejected—youdon’tknowusand

don’tknow whatyou’re missing outon.Besides,for allweknow,you’re onthe

waytoadatewithsomeoneyoualreadyknowandaresimplynotavailableatthat

moment.

Oneofthemostsuccessfulflirtsweknowsayshehasanever-failopeningline:

“Hi, I’m Mike.” From there, he and the object of his attention can proceed

wherevertheirintereststakethem:theweatherorscenery,theirwork,theirkidsor

pets,thesorrystateoftheworldtoday,theirfavoritefoods,whatever.Thisstageof

flirtingisexploration,gettingtoknowthiswonderfulnewperson,discoveringthe

waysinwhichyou’resimilarandthewaysinwhichyou’redifferent,seeinghow

youmightconnect.Thesexypartofthisisintheenergy—theflashofasmile,a

brightnessin the eye.You usually can tellwhen you’re talking andwhen you’re

flirting—it’stheenergy.

We recognize that if you are shy or have been taught that nice girls or boys

don’tflirtorareaccustomedtoamorepredatorystyleofflirting,allthiscanbe

difficulttolearn.Wewishwehadamagicflirtingwandthatwecouldwaveatyou,

but since we don’t, you’re just going to have to practice. A willing friend,

preferablyofthegender(ifnottheorientation)thatyounormallyflirtwith,can

help:pretendthatyou’remeetingforthefirsttimeandtryflirting.Thefriendcan

give you feedback about whether you’re coming on too weak or too strong and

help you refine your skills. When you start enjoying flirting in and of itself,

withoutthinkingaboutwhereitmightlead,you’llknowyou’reontherighttrack.

“Wewishwehadamagicflirtingwandthatwecouldwaveatyou,butsincewe

don’t,you’rejustgoingtohavetopractice.”

ComingOutSlutty

Unless you’re doing your cruising in exclusively poly environments, it is

reasonabletoexpectthattheobjectofyourattentionsmaynot(yet)havereadthis

bookandmaynotbefamiliarwithsluttylifestyles.Atsomepoint,therefore,you

are going to have to get it out there that monogamy is probably not on your

personalmenuofoptions.

Wecan’ttellyouexactlywhenorhowtodothis,exceptthatwevoteforsooner

ratherthanlater.Ifbothofyouarejustlookingforaquickflingorapartyscene,

itmaynotbenecessarytodiscusssuchmattersatall.However,iftheflingleadsto

aseconddate,thatmaybetherighttimetoletyournewfriendknowthatyou’re

notinterestedingoingsteady,noworever.

Working this into a normal conversation about software or surfing can be a

littletricky,weknow.Aquickreferencetoyourpartners,emphasisontheplural,

oftendoesthetrick.Youcanstartadiscussionofrelationshipsingeneraltoget

spacetoexpressyourownopinionsanddesires.Oryoucanleavethisbookouton

yourcoffeetablewhentheycomeoverforadrink.

Itmayhappenthattheobjectofyourattentionisadevotedmonogamistand

thatyounonethelessfindthispersonextremelyattractive.Wehavesomewordsof

adviceforpolyfolkwhofallinlovewithmonogamistsinchapter20,“Couplesand

Groups.”

CruisingChallenges

Ifyou’restandinginthecornerofaroomfulofpeople,feelinglikeyou’retheonly

onetherewhoisn’tpartofahappygroupandlikeyou’renevergoingtobeableto

connect again for the rest of your life, we suggest finding someone else who’s

standinginacornerandstartingaconversation.Janet’sfavoriteopeninglinefor

thesesituationsis,“Hi,Idon’tknowasoulhere;canIstandhereandtalktoyou

forawhile?”

Beyondthatsimpleopening,whichgetseasierwithpractice,cruisingstrategies

dependalotonyourowngenderandthegender(s)ofthepeopleyou’reseeking.

FORMEN

Menwhodesiremenhavetheirownstyleofcruising,markedbyastraightforward

approach basedonthe understanding thatmost gay andbi men areable tosay,

“No,thankyou”withoutmuchdiscomfort.Withouttheuncomfortablethreatof

being physically overpowered that pervades man-on-woman cruising, and free of

anyrequirementsbeyondfollowingtheirowndesires,thesemenoftenareableto

cruiseeachotherwithgreaterrelianceonbodylanguageandnonverbalcuesthan

their heterosexual brothers, confident that if body language is not understood,

theywillusetheirwords.

Hetero men have different challenges. Few women like to be pushed,

overwhelmed,ornotlistenedtointhearenasofsexandintimacy.Mostwomen

are particularly offended by men who push too hard for private get-togethers or

phonenumbers,whoinsistentlymovetheconversationbacktosexualtopicswhen

the woman has tried several times to change the subject, or who touch them,

particularly in a sexual, paternalistic, or covert way, without permission. Sneaky

come-onsareapain;itworksbettertosimplyask,andifyouheara“no,”don’t

argue.

Many a man has made the mistake of approaching a woman in the way he

thinkshewouldliketobeapproachedifhewereawoman.Ifyou’renotsureif

women find your approach too heavy-handed, imagine being approached by a

large, strong man using your exact technique and ask yourself how that feels.

Successfulmalecruisersremainsensitivetoverbalandnonverbalcues,conveying

friendly interest and appreciation for the fascinating human being in front of

them.

FORWOMEN

Many women, of all orientations, can benefit greatly from learning to be more

assertive in asking for what they want, both during the meeting process and

afterward.Ifyou’reusedtosippingyourdrinkandwaitingforsomeonetomakea

moveon you,initiatingcontactyourselfmayseemterribly awkward, pushy—yes,

even slutty—at first. It’s also scary as hell to risk rejection like that. It does get

easier…particularlyifyoudogetrejectedatimeortwoandgetachancetofindout

thatitisn’ttheendofthe world.Afterall,we’renotasking youtodoanything

thatmenhaven’tbeendoingforcenturies,andyou’lldiscover,astheyhave,the

manyjoysofaskingforwhatyouwantandgettingit.

FORTRANSANDNONBINARYPEOPLE

The big question in flirting and cruising, if you’re someone whose parts don’t

match up to their gender presentation or whose gender presentation doesn’t

match up to cultural norms, is usually, “How much do they know?” For this

reason, many of our friends who live outside gender norms prefer to do their

cruising online, where they can make sure the object of their attention is

interested in someone like them before investing their hope, time, and

occasionallypersonalsafety in anewpersonwhomayor maynotbe aware that

genderisalotmorecomplicatedthantheireighth-gradehealthteachersaid.

On the other hand, as one trans woman we interviewed pointed out, “Even

whenyou’recruisinginperson,it’sworthkeepinginmindthatlotsofpeoplehave

things they need to disclose before things start getting hot and heavy—health

issues,havingapartnerathome,sexualorpersonallimits,andsoon.”Somaybe

youcanthinkofthatthinginsideyourundies,thatmayormaynotbeasurprise,

assimplyanotherissuethatyouneedtotalkaboutbeforethesmoochingbegins.

Manyofourtransfriendsrecallbeingthecatalystforsomeone’sreexamination

of theirassumptions abouttheirsexualidentity:one spokeofbeing atagender

conference with a woman who had always identified as a lesbian and who was

startled to find herself drawn to trans men, trans women, and individuals who

didn’tfiteasilyintoanygendercategory.Theyalsonotethatmanyofthepeople

theymeetareunawareofthefinerpointsofcontemporarygendertheory.“Atfirst,

Igotangrywhenpeopledidn’tunderstandmyplaceonthegenderspectrum,”one

transmannoted.“Butafterawhile,Igotbetteratbeingabletotellthedifference

betweenapersonwhowashostileormaliciousandonewhosimplydidn’tknow

and was doing their best.” This man went on to say that he’d actually come to

enjoygentlyeducatingpotentialsweetiesaboutwhatitwasliketoliveinsidehis

skin.

Whether or not you want to do some educating along with your flirting, we

thinkitmakessensetodecidehowstronglyyouwanttodrawthoseboundaries—

nobodywantstodoalltheirflirtingwithinasmallgroupofalreadylike-minded

people, but nobody wants to spend all their flirting time teaching Gender 101,

either.Figureoutabalancethatworksforyouandbepreparedtohaveitshiftas

yourdesiresandabilitieschangethroughtheyears.

FORCOUPLESANDGROUPS

Sometimes couples, or an established group of lovers, may be cruising for

somebody,orsomebodies,newtoplaywithinathree-or-more-way.Cruisingasa

group has its advantages—if you strike out, you still have someone to go home

with.However,manycruiseesarenotusedtotheideaofopenlynonmonogamous

relationships and may get a little freaked out when you come on to them with,

“Hi,Ifindyouveryattractiveandsodomypartners.”Bereassuredthatyouwill

alsofindmanylovelypeoplewhoactuallypreferthesafetyandbuilt-inboundaries

ofgettingitonwithone,both,orallmembersofanestablishedpartnership.

Somegroupscruise togetherforsomeonetoplay withinathree-or-more-way,

while others cruise individually for partners who want to play with one or the

other of them.When you’re partneredbut cruising solo,pleasedoremember to

mentiontoyourcruiseethatyouhaveapartnerorpartnersathome.Somepeople

willbedelightedtoreceivethisnewsandotherswillnot,butfulldisclosureisthe

ethicalpartofethicalsluthood.

If you plan to go home with your partners when it comes time to leave the

party, it is courteous to make sure your other beloveds know this in advance.

Reassure new contacts by exchanging contact information and, if appropriate,

choosing a place and time to get together in the future, like “May I call you

tomorrowmorning?”or“Wouldyouliketomeetforcoffeeafterwork?”

Whether you cruise individually or with others, you need to work out your

agreementsbeforehand.Whoisinterestedindoingwhattowhom?Where?When?

If one of you is looking for someone to hit the mattress with right there that

nightandtheotherwantssomethingpermanent(“Theyfollowedmehome!CanI

keepthem?Please?”),youmaybeheadedforamajormisunderstanding.

Eachmemberofapartnershipmusthavetherequisitesocialskills.Depending

on a partner to do all the work of introductions, conversation, flirtation, and

negotiation is bad for you and bad for them. It may also lead to

misunderstandings,becausefewpartnersareskilledenoughcommunicatorstoget

acrossallyourneeds,interests,andpersonalitytraits.

Apetpeeveofmanyslutsistheindividualwhotreatsoneormoreofthepeople

involvedinadisrespectfulorobjectifyingmanner.Oneexampleisthecouplethat

sendsaninnocent-lookingwomanoutasbait,andyoumaybestartled,whenyou

bite,todiscoverher spousejoiningthe party.Janetremembersonce,in a group

sexenvironment,beinginvitedbyamantohelpstimulatehisfemalepartner.As

she happily joinedthe group,shenoticedthatthe manimmediately shiftedhis

focus from his girlfriend to her —ignoring the hapless girlfriend as he grabbed

Janet’sbreasts.Needlesstosay,Janetexcusedherselfimmediatelyfromthiscreepy-

feelingscene.

Itisdisrespectfultotreatthethirdpartyassomesortofoversizedmaritalaid.

Manybisexualwomenweknowareexasperatedwhencouplesseekthemoutasa

“hotbibabe,”lookingforsomeonethattheycanslotintoapredefinedroleaspart

of their lovemaking and/or their household. Poly people often refer to such a

womanasa“unicorn,”becausetheyarerareandpossiblymythical.Theiranalog,

thebisexualmanwhoisexpectedtofulfilltheneedsofanotherwiseheterocouple,

issometimescalleda“pegasus.”

Thefundamentalruleforcruisingasacoupleorgroup,orbeingcruisedby a

coupleorgroup,isrespectforthefeelingsandrelationshipsofallconcerned.You

don’twanttocruisesomeonewhowilltrytostealyou oryourpartnerfortheir

own,andyourcruiseedoesn’twanttobeused,deceived,ormistreated.

Dossiewasonceoutonadatewithalongtimeloverofherswhenshenoticed

anattractivepersontryingtocatchhereyebehindherdate’sback.Sheexplained

thesituationtoherdate,whohadastrokeofgenius.Hestrodeovertotheyoung

manin questionandwithgreatdignityannounced,“Mylady wouldlikeyouto

have her phone number.” The young man looked terrified at the time, but he

calledthenextmorning.Dossiehasmadeuseofthisstrategyrepeatedlysincethen

andrecommendsithighly:theyalwayscall!

When you treateverybodyinvolvedwith respect,affection,and intimacy,you

canreapvery specialrewards—anything from awarmhappy fling toalong-term

multipersonrelationship.

FOREVERYONE

Thebest,mostsuccessful,andleastobnoxiouscruisersweknow,ofallgendersand

orientations,arefriendly,curiousfolkswholikemostpeopleandareinterestedin

talking to everyone. If some of the people they talk to turn into potential

relationships,somuchthebetter.

Whenyoufindyourselfworryingabouthowyouareseenbyothers,remember

thatthereisnopointinpretendingyouareanyoneexceptwhoyouare.Itdoes

younogoodtoattractsomeonewhothinksyouaresomebodyelse:allyougetis

someonewhoisexcitedaboutsomebodywhoisn’tyou.Whenyouarehonest,you

attractthepeoplewhoareinterestedinyou,justasyoumostwonderfullyare.

PolyPioneers:“ABouquetofLovers”andtheZell-

RavenheartFamily

Possibly the very first how-to guide for contemporary polyamorists was written more than a

quarter century ago. Its author had been a practicing polyamorist for almost twenty years

beforebeingmovedtosetforthherbasicprinciples.

ABouquetofLovers:StrategiesforResponsibleOpenRelationships,writtenbyMorningGlory

Zell-Ravenheart in 1990, offered some solid guidelines for relationships of the

primary/secondarymodel—guidelinesthatwillsoundfamiliartoreadersofthisbooktoday.

And,likethisbook,itscreatorandoriginalpublisherdiscoveredtheirvaluesduringtheFree

Loveera.Twoyoungseekersmetataneopaganconferencein1973.TheformerDianaMoore

and the former Timothy Zell would be together—as radicals, lovers, and elders of a

polyamorousfamilythathaslasted,invariousforms,foralmostfiftyyears—untilDiana,better

knownasMorningGloryZell-Ravenheart,diedin2014.

Togetherwithlike-mindedlovers,theZell-RavenheartsfoundedtheChurchofAllWorlds,a

neopagan and poly institution loosely based on the church described in Robert Heinlein’s

immenselypopularsciencefictionnovelStrangerinaStrangeLand.Oberon(formerlyTimothy)

Zell-RavenheartpublishesGreenEggMagazine,aneopaganpublicationfoundedin1968and

stillpublishedonline,inwhichABouquetofLoversfirstappeared.

Oberon and the remainder of the family continue to live together in two big houses in

SonomaCounty,California.

KEEPINGSEXSAFE

Thetermsafesex,lateramendedtosafersex,wascoinedtotalkabouthowwecan

design sex to minimize the risk of HIV transmission…but sex has never been

altogether safe. It’s been only a few decades since more reliable birth control

becameavailable,andonlyafewbeforethatsinceantibioticsbegancuringillness,

insanity, and death caused by sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) like syphilis

andgonorrhea.Herpesisstillincurable,andwestillhaveonlylimitedanswersto

cervical cancer from human papilloma virus. No matter what your orientation,

yourpractices,oryourriskfactors,intoday’senvironment,carelesssexcankill—

whichmeansthatyouhavetoprotectyourselfandyourpartners.

Given that sex is never completely safe, ethical sluts put time, effort, and

commitment into getting as much sex as they want at the least risk possible.

Dedicated sluts have developed a plethora of risk-reduction strategies that can

minimize the chances of infection and/or unwanted pregnancy, including

barriers, vaccines, and medications that can prevent some diseases from being

transferredduringsex.

“Given that sex is never completely safe, ethical sluts put time, effort, and

commitmentintogettingasmuchsexastheywantattheleastriskpossible.”

Pleaseresearchthesafer-sexprotocolsthatapplytoyourlifeandplantoprotect

yourself and your lover from HIV, herpes, hepatitis, gonorrhea, syphilis,

chlamydia,shigella,humanpapillomavirus,cervicalcancer,unwantedpregnancy,

andahostofothernasties.Medicalresearchandrecommendationsarebeyondthe

scope of this volume, but the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

(www.cdc.gov)maintainsawebsitewithup-to-dateinformationonsafersex,asdo

manyfeministandLGBTQorganizations.

We don’t think you need to cover every portion of your anatomy with latex

beforeyoutouchanotherhumanbeing.Thegoalformostofusisriskreduction,

sortoflikedefensivedriving.Yes,adrunkcouldkillyouatanytimewhileyouare

cruisingdownthehighway,andmostofustakeourbestshotatsafetyandgoon

driving.Therearewaystohavehotsatisfyingsex withoutperformingtheerotic

equivalentofskydivingwithafaultyparachute.Herearesomethatwe,andsluts

weknow,haveusedsuccessfully.

Barriers:TheRubber(orNitrileorPolyurethane

or…)Fence

Utterlybasic technique:Put something impenetrablebetween youandthe virus.

Today,manypeopledecidetofollowtheirsexualurgestofar-outplacesbybeing

scrupulousabouttheuseofbarriers.Wehopeyoudon’tneedustoexplainthisto

you at this point in history, but careful use of barriers includes condoms for

vaginal sex, anal sex, and fellatio; gloves for masturbation of a male or female

partner or for insertion of fingers or hands into vaginas or anuses; and dental

damsorplasticwrapforcunnilingusoranalingus.

Glovesorcondomsmakeiteasytokeepanysextoythatwillbeusedbymore

than one person nice and clean and bug-free. Clean your toys thoroughly after

eachuse,sterilizeifyoucan,andletthemrest,cleananddry(mostofthebadbugs

cannotlivelongwithoutmoisture).Iftherearetoysthatyoureallywanttouseon

morethanonepersonwithinthesamelittlebitoftimeandthatcan’tbecovered

withabarrier,wesuggestyoubuytwoormoreofthem.

Theuseofagoodwater-basedlubricantcandowonderstomakebarrier-using

sexmorepleasurableforbothorallpartners.Fortipsonhowtousebarriersina

pleasure-enhancingmanner,checkoutchapter23,“SexandPleasure,”andsomeof

thebooksinFurtherReading.Andifyou’renotcompletelycomfortableusingany

ofthesebarriers,practice!

Penis owners can masturbate with a condom until it becomes easy. We have

heardofonededicatedfellowwhomanagedtoputoneighteencondomsatonce—

hesaidthetightsqueezefeltreallygood.Andwhynotgetalittleplayfulwithyour

rubber?Femalecondomsrequiresomepracticetoplaceproperlyoverthecervix,

sobepreparedtouseupafew—preferablybeforeyouhaveapartnersittingthere

twiddlingtheirthumbs,waitingforyoutofigureitout—asyouacquiretheskill.

If you are inexperienced with condoms and plastic wrap, give yourself some

spacetolearn.Getplayful,spillsomelube,androllaroundinit;inventcreative

ways to wrap body parts in plastic wrap and then find out what interesting new

things you can feel. Plastic wrap doubles nicely as a risk-reduction barrier and a

bondage toy, and it comes in colors. Explore the taste and feel of your safer-sex

equipment,andchecklubricantsontenderplacesforallergicreactions—notfunto

discoverwhenyouareallexcitedthatititchesinsideandyouhavetogowashthat

stuffoutrightnow.Payattentiontothesensualqualities:finelatexiswonderfully

silky,andthebestlubricantsfeellikeliquidvelvet.

Wewantyoutohavefunandmakewisechoices:weneedallthereaderswecan

get,sowedon’twanttoloseyou.

EXERCISE:PRACTICEMAKESPERFECT

Forpenisowners:Committomasturbatingwithacondomatleast

onceeverythreeor four times you masturbateuntil youfeellike

youhavethatskilldownperfectly.

For anyone who has sex with penises: Buy a large box of

condoms—thecheapkindareokay forthis—and practice putting

them on bananas, cucumbers, or dildos, in as sexy a way as you

can…first with your hand and then with your mouth. Use up the

wholebox.

Foreveryone:Makealistofwaysyoucangetoffwithlittleorno

riskoffluidtransmission.

FluidBonding

One popular safer-sex strategy used by some couples and small groups is called

fluidbondingorfluidmonogamy.Theprimarycoupleorgroupagreesthattheyare

safe to play with each other with no barriers, and that they will use condoms,

dams,and/orglovesveryconscientiouslywithalltheirotherpartners.Bothofus

have made such agreements with life partners. To do this kind of agreement,

partnersgetthoroughlytestedforHIVandotherdiseases.Youmighthavetowait

six months to be sure, because HIV antibodies don’t reliably show up in the

bloodstream for some months after an individual is infected. Once you’re sure

everyone’shealthy,you’refreetopracticeunprotectedsexwithoneanotherandto

usebarrierswithyourotherlovers.Besureyou’reinclearagreementaboutwhich

sexual acts are safe enough to do without a barrier and which ones require a

barrier. To reach such an agreement, everyone involved will have to do some

homeworkontherisklevelsofvariousactivitiesanddecidetogetherwhatlevelof

riskisacceptabletoyou.Don’tforgettofactorininformationfromeverybody’s

individualsexhistories.

You may wish to restrict certain kinds of sex—often vaginal and/or anal

intercourse with a living penis, which place the participants at highest risk for

disease transmission—to your primary relationship. Any time you are actively

tryingtomakeababy,youmightnotwanttoengageinpotentiallyreproductive

activitieswithallandsundry.

If barriers were infallible, fluid bonding would be a nearly perfect strategy;

unfortunately, they are not. Some diseases live on the pubic mound, perineum,

outerlabia,orscrotum,whichlatexcan’tcover.Pinholeleakscanallowvirusesto

creepthrough,althoughthishappenslessoftenthanantisexcrusaderswouldhave

youbelieve.Condomscanbreakorcomeoffduringsex.

Ifyouarefluidbondedandyouexperienceacondomfailure,youandanyone

elseinvolvedwillhavetodecidetogetherwhethertobeginagainwithHIVtesting

andsixmonthsofbarrierusage,ortoriskthepossibilitythatoneofyouhasbeen

infected and could infect the other. If there is any possibility of an unwanted

pregnancy,talktogetheraboutthemorning-afterpill.

PreexposureProphylaxis

IfyouengageinactivitiesthatcouldpassalongHIV,orifyou’repartneredwith

someone HIV-positive, look into PrEP, a new category of medication that is

showinggreatpromiseinpreventingHIVinfection.PrEPconsistsofadrugthat

canbetakendailybyanyonewhosesexualbehaviorsputthematsignificantrisk

forcontractingHIV.Asofthiswriting,thedrugseemstohaveaveryhighsuccess

rate and negligible side effects—in cities where doctors prescribe it regularly, the

numberofnewHIVdiagnosesareplummeting.Wedowanttonotethatthisisa

relatively new medication, it can be quite expensive, and there are still some

doctorswhoare(inexcusably)reluctanttoprescribe ittoanyone exceptanHIV-

negative person who is partnered with an HIV-positive person. It’s also worth

pointing out that PrEP does not protect against other sexually transmitted

conditions,includingpregnancy;thus,condomsarestillagoodideaifyou’rethe

ownerofafertileuterusorifyou’redoingpenetrativesexwithpeopleofunknown

healthstatus.

AvoidingHigh-RiskBehaviors

Another risk-reduction strategy is simply to eliminate some forms of sexual

expressionfromyourrepertoire.Manypeoplehavechosentoforgoformsofsex

that involve putting mouths or penises into or near anuses, feeling that the

particularlyhighrisksofthisformofplayarenotworthitsreward.Othershave

decidednottoengageinanyformofpenetrationwithanorganicpenis.

Ifallthiswindsupsoundinglikenosexatall,pleaseconsultoneofthegood

booksaboutsexinFurtherReading—therearehundredsofwaystosharereallyhot

sexthatdon’tinvolvesomebodysquirtinginsidesomebodyelse.

Every decision you make requires that you balance your own desires against

yourassessmentoftherisks.Rememberwhenyou’remakingyourdecisionsthat

desire is powerfulandimportantandthatthere’s nopoint in makingrulesyou

can’t livewith.Evenabstinencecanbe risky:onefriendofourspoints outthat

celibacycanbelikedieting—“IcanbereallygoodduringtheweekbutthenIbinge

on the weekends.” On the positive side, expanding your range of hot sexual

expressionbylearningnewandexcitingwaystohavesexcanleaveyoubothsafe

andsatisfied.

“Every decision you make requires that you balance your own desires against

yourassessmentoftherisks.”

SexandDrugs

Ifyou think you can’t enjoy sex without being high ordrunk,we’dlike you to

reconsiderthatbelief.Whileasmallamount of anintoxicantcanrelaxyouand

helpeliminatesomenervousness,beingsignificantlyalteredcanleadtoimpaired

boundaries,poorjudgment,andmisunderstandingsaboutconsent.

Ifyoudowanttotrytheriskier-than-usualexperienceofstonedordrunksex,

please remember to do your negotiations before the scene begins, with an

understandingthattherewillbenosurprisesorchangingofagreementspartway

in. And make sure that everyone involved has consented: “Hey, honey, I just

droppedadoubledoseofEcstasy—let’s fuck” without the priorconsentofthose

whomightbeaffectedisoftenaprofoundlybadidea.

We prefer the natural high of endorphins, oxytocin, and all the other lovely

chemicals our body produces during good sex—and the stuff that needs to be

swallowedorinhaledorsmokedorwhatevercangetinthewayoffeelingwhatwe

setouttofeel,includingourconnectionwiththesweetindividualwho’ssharing

thesexwithus.

If you feel that your use of intoxicants has become problematic, many larger

communities sponsor theirownrecovery groups,including groups forsluts.We

encourageyoutofindagroupwhereyoufeelenoughathometodotheworkof

learningnewhabitswithouthavingtocensoryourself.

FingerCrossing

Werecognizethatdesireisapowerfulforceinourlives,andmostofthetimewe

like to celebrate that. But the reality is that acting on desire without taking

responsibility is not ethical. A whole generation of people, particularly gay and

bisexualmen,grewupknowingthattheirdesiretofeelalivingpenisinsidethem

couldneverbeconsideredsafe.PrEPhasmadethingsalittlesaferbutstillrequires

some advance, well, preparation. Barebacking (penetration without a condom)

remains a very hot transgressive thrill that has tempted many of us to throw

cautiontothewindsintheinterestofgettingthatmuchclosertoalover.

Simplyhopingforthebest,denyingthatyou’reatrisk,orfailingtokeepyour

agreementsaboutbarriersisnotanacceptablestrategyforbirthcontrolordisease

protection.Ifyoudon’thavethehonestyandcouragetofacethegenuinerisksof

yoursexualbehaviors,youcertainlydon’thavewhatittakestobeanethicalslut,

andwequestionwhetheryoushouldbehavingsexatall.

Weareshockedandworriedbythelevelsofdenialweseeamongsomesexual

communitiesthatwouldliketobelievethatbecausenewtreatmentshaveslowed

downtheprogressofHIV,thecurehasbeenfound.Peoplearestilldying.Evenif

yourlifestyleseemstomakeHIVexposureunlikely,youarestillatriskforherpes,

hepatitis,HPV,chlamydia,syphilis,andahostofotherdiseases.Kinsey’sstatistics

frombackinthe1940sindicatedthatslightlymorethanhalfofrelationshipsthat

aretheoreticallymonogamousinfactinvolvesexualcontactwithoutsidepartners.

Geteducatedandtakecareofyourself.

TestingandPrevention

We think it’s essential for ethical sluts to be tested for HIV and other sexually

transmitted diseases on a regular schedule. How frequently depends on the risk

factors in your life. Ask your doctor, clinic, or Planned Parenthood office, and

followtheiradvice.

Onefriendofours,newtomeetingotherslutsonline,wasagreeablystartledto

discoverthatsomeprospective partners routinely broughttheirmost recent test

results to the first coffee date—perhaps a new definition of the “card-carrying

polyamorist.”

While most STDs are preventable only with barriers and care, recently

developedvaccinationscanprotectyouagainstseveralpotentiallydeadlyformsof

hepatitisand,ifyouaren’talreadyinfected,humanpapillomavirus.Ifyouengage

in nonmonogamous anal or vaginal play, these are a very good idea; they are

expensive but cheaper than getting sick. Discuss them with your health care

provider.You’llstillneedbarriersagainstalltherestofthemicroscopicnasties.

BirthControl

Mother Nature is called that for a reason—sometimes it seems like she wants

everybodytobeaparent.Evenwhenyouutterlyknowthatyoudon’twanttoget

pregnantthistime,somedeeperurgecaneasilyleadyoutoforgetapillorcount

thedayswrong.Birthcontrolinvolvestrickingthebusylittleeggsandsperminto

notdoingtheirjobsandtrickingyourowninstinctsintolettingyoudothetrick

right.

Birthcontroltechnologyis,alas,farfromperfect:reliable,reversible,easy,side-

effect-freecontraceptionisstilladream.Unwantedpregnanciesneednolongerbe

thelife-shatteringtragediesofyesteryear,buttheyarestillawful,andwehopethat

noneofyoueverhastohaveone.

If you have ovaries and a uterus, have intercourse with people who have

testicles,andcouldpossiblybefertile,youmusttakeactivestepstoensurethatyou

won’tgetpregnantuntilandunlessyouchooseto.Thepossibilitiesincludebirth-

controlpills,longer-termchemicalbirthcontrollikeNorplantandDepo-Provera,

diaphragms and cervical caps, condoms, IUDs, sponges and foam, and tubal

ligation,amongothers.Somewomenwithregularmenstrualcyclessucceedatthe

rhythmmethod,particularlyiftheyandtheirpartnerslearntoenjoyoutercourse

duringtheirfertileperiods.Thereisalotofgoodinformationavailableaboutthe

risks and reliability of all these methods; your physician, clinic, or Planned

Parenthoodcanhelpyoumakeagoodchoice.

For testicle-owners who have intercourse with uterus-owners, the choices are

(unfortunately) quite limited. If you know you are unlikely to want to have

childreninthefuture,avasectomyisminorsurgerythatwillrelieveyouofagreat

dealofworry.Ifyouhopetobeaparentsomeday,usethosecondoms—andlobby

forresearchintobettermalecontraception.

When someone gets pregnant unintentionally, this can be, to put it mildly,

difficult.Ifeveryoneinvolvedagreesthatanabortionisthebestchoice,thatcan

beprettyunpleasantinandofitself;ifthereisdisagreement,itcanbeshattering.

Until such time as science enables everyone to carry fetuses in their bodies, we

believe thatthe final decision has tobelong tothe person withthefetusinside,

but we sympathize deeply with the person who would like to raise a baby and

whose partner isn’t willing or able to carry it. We do think that both partners

shouldshareinthefinancialandemotionalburdenofanabortionorapregnancy.

If one, both, or all partners are interested in being a parent, and someone is

willingtocarrythefetustoterm,ethicalsluthoodopensupawealthofoptionsfor

parenting.Pleasedon’tfeelthattheonlywaytobeaparentistogetmarriedand

buy a house in the suburbs—perfectly marvelous children come out of shared

parenting arrangements, intentional communities, group marriages, and a

multitudeofotherwaystonurtureandsupportachild.

CommittingtoHealthySex

Youmaynoticethatwehavegoneoutofourwaynottotellyouwhatdecisionsto

makeaboutyoursexualbehavior.Onlyyoucandecidewhatrisksfeelacceptableto

you,andwebelievethatlettinganybodyelsemakethatdecisionforyouvirtually

guaranteesthatyouwon’tfollowthroughonyourchoices.

Youmust,however,makechoices.Youmustchoosetodoyourhomeworkand

learnwhatyouneedtoknowaboutrisksandrewards.Youmustchoosetodothe

workofsayingnotosexthatdoesn’tmeetyourownsafetycriteriaandofbeing

prepared to say yes to sex that does: discovering you’re out of condoms at the

wrongmomentisarecipefordisaster.Youmustchoosetoapproachyoursexual

behaviors in a mature, realistic, and sober manner—intoxication plays a role in a

shockinglyhighpercentageofHIVinfectionsandunwantedpregnancies.

Youmustbe preparedtoshareyoursexualdecisionmaking andhistory with

anypotentialpartnersyouencounter.Ifconsentisatthecoreofethicalsluthood—

anditis—yourpartnersmustbeabletogiveinformedconsenttowhateverrisks

areinvolvedinhavingsexwithyou.You,ofcourse,havetherighttoexpectthat

samehonestyfromthem.

You won’t like talking about this stuff, especially not with a new lover. It’s

depressing and scary, definitely not erotic, and sometimes horrendously

embarrassing.Allowustoreassureyou:thefirsttimeistheworst.Practicemakes

perfect, and after you’ve been over all these ugly and lethal possibilities a few

times,youwillbecomelesssensitiveandlearntodealwithwhatyouneedtowith

easeandgrace.Manypeopleavoidthediscussiononafirstdatebyagreeingupon

the safest possible practices for that encounter and then negotiating more

specifically later on. If you know you have a risk condition, like active herpes,

silence becomes less of an option; you need to invite your lovers to collaborate

withyouinavoidinginfection,andtheyhavearighttoenoughinformationto

maketheirownchoices.

On a cheerier note, getting good at talking about sex has some very nice

rewards,onceyougetthroughblushing.Chattingaboutthefunstuffisaturn-on

andthebestwaytogetexactlywhatyouwantinthewayofpleasure.Thenyoucan

learn what your partner gets excited about, which will make you the best of all

possiblelovers.

We, and most of the people we know, make fairly conservative choices about

what health risks we take in our sexuality. We know from experience that it is

quitepossibletohaveexciting,satisfying,fabulouslysluttysexwithoutlyingawake

nightsworryingafterward.Andisn’tthatthekindofsexweallwanttohave?

CHILDREARING

Ifyou’reraisingkidstoday,youhaveitalittlebiteasierthanslutsofyesteryear—

images of families in books and television aren’t quite as limited to Leave It to

Beaver and Ozzie and Harriet as they were in our childhoods. Still, even though

divorceandsingleparentingarenowacceptabletopics,ourcultureisslowtocatch

uptotheotherrealitiesofourlives:mediaimagesofmultipartnerrelationships,

andothernontraditionalconstellationsarestillrare.

Yetkidstaketotheserelationshipsquitereadily,perhapsmoresothantothe

traditionalnuclearfamily:childrenhavegrownupinvillagesandtribesformost

of human history. Janet remembers having some of her first desires for group

livingduringvacationswithherthen-husband’sexpansiveextendedfamily,when

shenoticedthatherkids,surroundedbylovingadultswithplentyoftimeontheir

hands,werehappier,moredocile,andlessfragmentedthanshe’deverseenthem.

Duringherkids’teenyears,shelivedinagrouphouseholdandwatchedhersons

adaptquitereadilytothecomingsandgoingsofadisparategroupofadults—one

of whom was almost always free to answer a question, troubleshoot a computer

program,experimentwitharecipe,orplayagame.

The single parent ethical slut can check out a number of creative options for

maintainingafulfillingsexlifewhilebeingaresponsibleparent.WhenDossiewas

sharingahousewithtwoothersinglemothers,oneofherloversusedtobabysitall

thekidssoallthreemothershadachancetogooutdancingtogether.Afriendof

oursusedtobabysitheryoungersisterandthekidsnextdoorsothatherparents

couldfoolaroundwiththenext-doorneighbors.Wehaveseenfamiliesoflovers

whose kids becomefriendly“siblings,”learning fromone anotherandalladults

availabletothem,becomingwhatmightlooklikeapreindustrialsmallvillageor

tribe.

The binary nature of monogamy-centrist thinking tends, we think, to cause

problems:you’reeithertheloveofmylifeoryou’reoutofhere.Bothofushave

found that opening our lives to other kinds of connections also opens our

children’slives.Still,manyparentshaveagreatdealofdifficultybridgingthegap

betweenresponsibleparentingandinclusiverelationships.Questionsaboutwhat

andhowmuchtotellyourkids,howtopreparethemfordifficultquestionsinthe

outside world, and how to help them relate to the new people who arrive and

departintheirlivescanbechallengingforanyparent.

Wehaveneverhadproblemscreatingconsistencyandsecurityforourchildren

in a sexually interconnected extended family. While you might assume that

inclusive relationships might generate massive inconsistency, our experience is

justtheopposite.Ourconnectionstendtoformsprawlingextendedfamiliesthat

haveplentyofenergytowelcomeallthechildren,andthechildrenreadilylearn

theirwayaroundthetribe.

Someshiftsinthepopulationareinevitable,butinourexperiencechildrentake

that kind of mobility for granted and perhaps develop a flexibility that might

servethemwelllaterinlife.Ifwepreparethemforalifewhereanychangeatallis

seenasadisaster,howwilltheymanage?Better,perhaps,tolearnthatlossmaybe

difficult, butwedoget throughit, pickupthepieces,andgoon with ourlives.

Onewayparentscanofferconsistencytochildrenistomodelhealthyadaptation

to change. Another good form of consistency is to be honest with yourself and

with your children—when you live your life in integrity, everyone can count on

youtobeexactlywhoyou,wonderfully,are.

SexEducationforKids

As you’ve surmised, we think an abundance of relationships can be highly

beneficialtofamilylifeandthatchildrengainrolemodels,attention,andsupport

inthepolyamorousextendedfamily.Clearly,childrenshouldnotbeincludedin

adultsexualbehavior.Education,however,isnotabuse,andchildrenneedenough

informationtomakesenseoutofwhattheadultsaredoingsotheycangrowupto

theirownhealthyunderstandingofsexuality.

All parents must make their own decisions about what kind of sexual

informationtheirchildrenshouldhaveatanygivenage.Forthehealthandwell-

being of the child, a balance must be struck between offering too much

information, which might seem scary or overwhelming, and too little, which

mightleavethechildwiththemessagethatnakedbodiesandsexualarousalareso

dangerousandembarrassingthatit’snotokaytoeventalkaboutthem.Wedon’t

want to terrify the kids, and we don’t want them to come into their own adult

sexualliveswiththebeliefthatsexisdirtyandshameful.

Remember,sexeducationisanissueforallparents,whatevertheirlifestyle.We

wantourkidstohavegoodinformationandfreedomofchoice,andtheyareoften

living in neighborhoods and going to schools where many parents believe that

kidsshouldbedeniedallinformationaboutsex(orelsetheymightturnouttobe

slutslikeus).

To make matters more complicated, our culture currently is deeply divided

about the entire subject of sex information and kids. Some people consider any

formofsexeducationtobesomehowdangerous.Someauthoritiesfeelthatwhen

childrenhave“precocious”informationaboutsex,itmustmeanthatthechildis

being abused by an adult. We are, however, adamantly opposed to “abstinence-

only”so-called sex education.How arewe toteach our children tosay noto an

abusiveadultifwearenotfrankaboutwhatitisthattheyshouldsaynoto?When

wetrytokeepsexsecretfromourkids,theyareawarethatsomethingisgoingon,

buttheydon’tknowwhat.Andifweleavethemtogettheirsexinformationfrom

equally ill-informed kids or from online pornography, we consign them to the

jungle.Ourkidsneedanddeserveadultsupportinlearningaboutandnegotiating

sexuality,astheydoinallotheraspectsoflife.

TherearecountriesinEuropewheresexeducationintheschoolsforchildren

of all ages is routine, including information on ways to make sure the sex is

pleasurable. Films of such classes show confident, curious students, comfortable

withthematerial—andthesecountrieshaveextremelylowratesofteenpregnancy.

WhattoShare,andNot

You’llhavetodecidehowmuchyourkidsshouldknowaboutyoursexualchoices,

suchasmultiplepartners,same-sexpartners,oralternativefamilystructures.Our

experienceisthatkidsfiguresuchthingsoutquickerthanyouthinktheydobut

thattheymaynotfigurethemoutexactlyright.

Onewordofwarning:Ifyouarelivinginacommunitythatdoesnotshareyour

standardsaboutsexeducation,yourdesiretoeducateneedstobebalancedagainst

theneedforthechildtolearnwhatisandisnotokaytosharewiththeoutside

world.Whenyouteachyourkids,youwillneedtotalkwiththemabouthowother

people’s standardsoperate andaboutwhatinformationmightbe problematic to

share.

Therearestillmanyplacesinthiscountrywherelivinganontraditionalsexual

lifestyleisconsideredajustificationforlegallyremovingyourchildrenfromyour

custody. Even when you are sure you are doing no harm, you still may need to

protect your kids from puritanical neighbors, teachers, and other outsiders. We

can’t give you concrete guidelines on this, because only you can know the

atmosphere in your particular community and the personalities of your own

children.

There are also, sadly, many places in this country where children who are

“different” (differently gendered), perhaps with parents who are not the hetero

couplethatHollywoodrecommendsorwhootherwisefailtofitintothenarrow

narratives of traditional America, may be subject to soul-crushing bullying.

Schoolsoweittotheirstudents,bothlegallyandethically,toprovideasafespace

forlearning.Ifyourchildorthechildofsomeoneyoucareaboutisbeingbullied,

pleasespeakupandmakesuretheschoolisfulfillingitslegalobligationtoprotect

peoplewhoaretooyoungtotakecareofthemselves.

WhatShouldTheySee?

We think it’s a good idea to model physical and verbal affection for children;

that’s how they learn to be affectionate adults. But you’ll have to make some

decisions about the appropriate dividing line between physical affection and

sexualdemonstrativeness.

Do your kids get to see you hugging your partners, kissing them, touching

them? These are all decisions we can’t make for you. You have to think them

through yourself—taking into account such issues as their ages, their levels of

sophistication,andtheirperceptionsaboutyourexistingrelationships—andabide

byyourowndecisions.

Nudityisagrayarea.Wecertainlydon’tthinkkidsareharmedbygrowingup

inhouseholdswherecasualnudityisthenorm.Butchildrenwhohaveneverbeen

aroundnudeadultsmaybeupsetifnudityissuddenlyintroducedintotheirliving

room. Kids can be very sensitive to issues like sexual display, and flashing is

clearly a violation of boundaries. Certainly, if a child expresses discomfort with

beingaroundyouroryourfriends’nudity,theirdesiresshouldberespected.And

wehopeitgoeswithoutsayingthatnochildshouldeverberequiredtobenudein

front of others—many children go through phases of extreme modesty as they

struggle to cope with their changing bodies, and that, too, deserves scrupulous

respect.

WhatShouldTheyDo?

It is illegal and immoral to allow your kids to engage in any form of sexual

behaviorwith any adultortoallow your partners tobe sexualor seductivewith

your kids. Many children go through one or more sexually explorative and/or

flirtatiousperiods in theirlives—this is natural andcommon.Butit’s important

that you and your friends maintain especially good boundaries during such

periods; learning polite and friendly ways of acknowledging a child’s changing

needswithoutengagingsexuallyisacriticalskillforethicalslutswhospendtime

aroundtheirownortheirpartners’kids.Thebestwaytoteach yourchildgood

boundariesistobeclearaboutyourownandtorespectthechild’srighttogrow

upfreefromviolation.

AnsweringTheirQuestions

Kids’ questions about sex and relationships can often be challenging—from the

five-year-old’s,“Buthowdoestheseedgettotheegg?”totheteenager’s,“Sohow

comeyougettofuckanyoneyouwant,butIhavetobehomebymidnight?”And

today,whenmany kids comefromsmallnuclearfamilieswith littleexposureto

olderchildren,thejobofsexeducationfallssquarelyontheshouldersofparents.

Here’swheretheskillsyou’velearnedinotherpartsofthisbookcancomein

handy.Youoweyourkidshonest,heartfeltresponsestoquestionslikethese;this

isnotthe timetocome onallhigh-handedandparental.Particularly with older

childrenandteenagers,it’sfinetoletthemknowifyou’refeelingambivalentor

embarrassed about something: they’ll know anyway, believe us. If a situation

makesyouangryorsad,sharethat,too.Theymayneedsomereassurancethatyour

emotion isn’t their fault and some reinforcement that it’s not their job to help

youfeelbetter.

It’s also fine to test their willingness to receive information. Before you start

heaping data on their heads, you can try prefacing your communication with a

question like, “Do you want to know about [whatever the topic is]?” Janet

remembersaconversation with her older son when he was about ten:she’djust

done a “birdsandbees”rap and hadperhaps gotten alittlecarriedaway.Atthe

endofherlongspeech,sheaskedhim,“So,aslongaswe’reonthistopic,isthere

anythingelseyouwanttoknow?”Hereplied,fervently,“Mom,you’vealreadytold

memuchmorethanIwantedtoknow.”

Goodboundaries areimportant,too.Whileyourkidsarecertainly entitled to

expressanopinionabouttheway youchoosetorunyourlife,theydon’tgetto

dictateit.Theflipsideofthisisthatyouoweittothemtohelppreventtheirlives

frombeingundulyimpactedbyalifestyletheyneverchose.Soyoumayneedto

clearthesexybooksoffthecoffeetablewhenyourkids’friendsarevisiting,and

takedownyourfavoriteeroticart.Wehatetosuggestthatyouhideourbookin

thecloset,butsoitmayneedtobe.Well,nobodyeversaidparenthood—especially

sluttyparenthood—wasgoingtobeeasy.

“Whileyourkidsarecertainlyentitledtoexpressanopinionaboutthewayyou

choosetorunyourlife,theydon’tgettodictateit.”

YourLovers’Kids

Whenyourlovershavekids,youareinvolvedwiththosekids,too—onefriendof

oursreferstothemanychildrenhehelpedhisloversraiseashis“practicekids,”

helpinghimlearnparentingskillsforthechildofhisownthatcamealonglater.

You’llneedtomakedecisionstogetheraboutwhattotell thekidsaboutyour

relationships, and you need to learn what decisions are conventional in your

lovers’families.Itmaynotmatterwhetheryoungerchildrenknoworunderstand

thatsomeoftheconnectionsintheirfamiliesaresexualandothersarenot.Butall

adultsinfamilieswithchildrenhavearesponsibilitytomakeaconnectionwith

the kids wecome in contactwith,andtofoster our ownchildren’s connections

withourfriendsandlovers.Singleslutswithnopreviousconnectiontochildren

mayfindthemselvesinapositionofneedingtolearnhowtodealwithchildrenin

theirextendedfamily.

Fact of life: Everyone around children will eventually need to set limits with

them. There may be some challenges as you work to reconcile your own limits

withthehabitsandstylesofafamilythatwasworkingjustfinebeforeyouarrived

in it. Expressing your needs can be an opportunity for the kids to learn that

differentadultshavedifferentneeds,thatJanecannapthrougharousinggameof

InsideTagwhereasJeanneedsanhourofquiet.

It may be that you find yourself disliking one of your lover’s kids. Perhaps

somethingaboutthisparticularchildpushesyourbuttons:theymayremindyou

ofyourhorribleolderbrotherormaybeevenyouryoungself.Orthechildmaybe

angrywithyou,ordislikeyou,forreasonsentirelybeyondyourcontrol:perhaps

youare“replacing”abelovedparentorotheradultwhohasbeenlosttodeathor

divorce. Whatever the reason for this problem, you are the adult and it is your

responsibility to find a way to solve it. Resolution will undoubtedly take some

time,afairamountofenergy,andagreatdealofpatience,butwebelieveitwillbe

worthit,foryouandyourloverandthekids.

Early in Janet’s relationship with her spouse E, there was a lot of friction

betweenhimandheryoungadultson,mostlyoverissuesthatwillsoundfamiliar

toanystepparent:housekeeping,noiselevels,courtesy.Then,sherecalls,“Wewere

visitingmymotherforafewdays,andthetwoofthemwereescapingthedomestic

whirlwindoutinthe backyard.Eexpressedsympathy aboutadifficultpersonal

situation my son was encountering. They had a beer together and really talked,

fromtheheart,forthefirsttime—andsuddenlyEcouldseemysonthewayIsee

him, as a socially awkward young man, not always too aware of the physical

realitiesaroundhimbutwithahugeheartandalottogive.Fromthateveningon,

they’vehadlittletroubleworkingtogetheronnormalhouseholdstuffandhavein

factbecomegoodfriends.”

When you establish a positive relationship with the children in your

environment, they will respond by developing a positive relationship with you.

Weknowofex-loverswhohavemaintainedclosefriendshipsovermanydecades

with children with whom they had no biological relationship. Thus are slut

familiesbuiltandmaintained.

PolyPioneers:Marston,Marston,andByrne

One of the concerns that outsiders often bring up about multipartner households is the

inevitable,“Butwhataboutthechildren?”Inyourauthors’experience,childrenofmultipartner

householdsareatleastaslikelyaskidsraisedinanuclearfamilytobehealthyandhappy.One

multipartner household produced notonlyfoursuccessfulhuman children, but alsoa wildly

successfulimaginary“child”:WonderWoman,thefirstfemalesuperhero.

William Moulton Marston was a Harvard graduate, author, and psychologist; he drew the

connection between falsehood and blood pressure that underlay the creation of the lie

detector.HiswifeElizabeth“Sadie”HollowayMarstonwasaneditorandadministrator—inthe

parlance of the day, a “career woman.” Their partner Olive “Dotsie” Byrne, William’s former

research assistant, took primary responsibility for raising the triad’s four children—two from

SadieandtwofromDotsie—andcaringforthehousehold.

ItwasWilliamwhohadtheoriginalideaofasuperherowhosepowerswerebasedonlove

ratherthanviolence,butitwasSadiewhoreplied,“Fine,thenmakeherawoman.”AndWonder

Woman’s dark-haired, red-lipped appearance and forceful but nurturing personality seem to

have been based to a significant degree on Dotsie—William remarked in an interview that

Wonder Woman’s “amazonium” projectile-repelling bracelets were based on a silver pair that

Dotsieoftenwore.

Any reader of the original 1940s “Wonder Woman” comics is aware of their strong kink

component—wedoubttheycouldhavebeenpublishedinamoreeroticallyawareage.Besides

the ongoing portrayal of bondage (of which Wonder Woman’s “lasso of truth” was only one

example), themes of dominance and submission, flagellation, and even infantilism surfaced

often. William spoke in interviews about bondage and submission as pathways to a better

world. The comics also dealt with prescient questions of restorative justice and the tension

between individualism and social health, in addition to raising money for polio

awareness/preventionandotherworthycauses.

WonderWomanoutlivedhercreatorinnameonly.IncarnationsoftheheroineafterWilliam’s

death in 1947 soft-pedaled her strength and feminism: by the end of the 1960s, she had

surrenderedherAmazonianpowersandwasrunningaboutique.(A2010relaunchrevertedto

something closer to the original heroine.) Sadie and Dotsie, though, lived together, in a

householddescribedbyvisitorsaslovingandcheerful,fortherestoftheirlives.

ROADMAPSTHROUGHJEALOUSY

Letjealousybeyourteacher.Jealousycanleadyoutotheveryplaceswhere

youmostneedhealing.Itcanbeyourguideintoyourowndarksideandshow

youthewaytototalself-realization.Jealousycanteachyouhowtolivein

peacewithyourselfandwiththewholeworldifyouletit.

—DEBORAHANAPOL,LovewithoutLimits

Formanypeople,thebiggestobstacletofreeloveistheemotionwecalljealousy.

Jealousy feels really rotten, and most of us will go to great lengths to avoid

feeling it. However, your authors believe that most people take the destructive

powerofjealousywaytoomuchforgranted,thattheygivetheirjealousyfarmore

power than it deserves. After many years of living free and dealing successfully

withjealousy,wetendtoforgetthatweliveinaculturethatconsidersitacceptable

todivorceorevenmurderasexuallyexplorativepartnerwhohascommittedthe

unthinkablecrimeofarousingjealousyinus.

Let us point out that monogamy is not a cure for jealousy. We have all had

experiences of being ferociously jealous of work that keeps our partner away or

distracted,ofourlover’sdecisiontocruisetheInternetinsteadofourbodies,orof

Monday(andTuesdayandWednesday)NightFootball.Jealousyisnotexclusiveto

sluts—it’sanemotionweallhavetodealwith.

“Letuspointoutthatmonogamyisnotacureforjealousy.”

Manypeoplebelievethatsexualterritorialityisanaturalpartofindividualand

socialevolution. Morerecenttheories suggest thatitmay datefromabouteight

thousand years ago, when humans shifted from being hunting and gathering

nomadstolandedfarmers,makingthelong-termcontrolofland,families,andall

the means of production much more important. If you believe that jealousy is

natural rather than a social construct, it’s easy to use it as justification to go

berserkandstopbeingasane,responsible,andethicalhumanbeing.

Your authors don’t think it matters whether jealousy derives from nature or

nurtureorboth.Whatmattersisthatweknowfromexperiencethatwecanchange

it.

HereisastoryfromDossie’slifeaboutthestruggletocopewithjealousy:

Myloverislatecominghome.Ihopesheisallright—thismorningsheleftin

tears.Lastnightwebothcrieduntilverylate.Ihopeshewillnotbetooangry

withme,orthenagain,herangermightbeeasiertobearthanherpain.Last

nightIthoughtmyheartwouldbreakfromfeelingherpain.

Andit’smyfault,mychoice,myresponsibility.Iamaskingmylovertogo

throughthefireforreasonsmostoftherestoftheworldconsiderfrivolousif

notdownrightreprehensible.Icannot,willnot,bemonogamous.

Morethanfourdecadesago,Ileftmydaughter’sviolentfather,fightingmy

wayoutthedoor,bruisedandpregnant,promisingIwouldcallmyparentsfor

money,lying.AfterIescapedJoe,hethreatenedmurder—onetimehesetfires

aroundthehousehethoughtwewerestillin.AfterIleft,Idecidedhewasright

—Iamaslut,Iwanttobeaslut,Iwillneverpromisemonogamyagain.Iwill

neverbeapieceofpropertyagain,nomatterhowvaluablethatpropertyis

considered.Joemadeafeministofme—afeministslut.

Myloverisback.Shebroughtmeaflower.Shestilldoesn’twantahug.She

feelsherhousehasbeeninvadedbyalienenergy.Iwasverycarefultocleanup,

allisverytidy,dinnerisready,appeasementandplacation,I’lldoanythingnotto

feelsoawful.

WhydidIinsistondoingthis?MycoauthorandIhavebeenpatientlywaiting

toresumethispartofourrelationshipwhenmynewfoundandmostbeloved

partnerwasready.Shehasalreadyconqueredtheterrorsofgroupsex—

tomorrowwewillhaveanothercoupleoverfordinnerandmybirthday

spanking,whichsheherselfarrangedwithnoeggingonfromme.Withinthe

lastyearshehashadmorenewsexualexperiencesthanshe’dhadinthe

previousforty-eightyearsandhastakentoitalllikeaducktowater.

Exceptherloverhavingadatewithoneotherperson.Shehatesfeelingleft

outandresentsthatwearedoingitinourhomethistime,notneutralterritory.

Maybethiswasamistake.MaybeImakealotofmistakes.

Myfriendsandlovershavewelcomedherintothefamilywithopenarms.

Loversoftenformkinshipnetworksfromtheirsexualconnections,and

customs,evensortofaculture,havebeguntoemerge.Andsoitiscustomary,

inmybrand-newculture,forone’sloverstowelcomeanewlover,notas

competitionbutasanadditiontothecommunity.Butthisisnotherculture.

Myloverisreadytotalknow.Sheisseriouslypissed.Sheresentsmeforevery

miserableterrifiedthoughtshehashadtoday,sheisfuriousthatIwouldsubject

hertotheunprotectedexperienceofherownfeelings,andthat’snotwhatshe

said,that’smyinterpretation.Andthat’snotwhatIsaideither—thiswasnotime

togetuppityaboutcleanboundariesandtheimportanceofowningyourown

feelings.Ilistened.ThistimeIlistened,withoutinterrupting,tryingonlytolether

knowthatIloveher,Ifeelherpain,Iamhereforher.Sheisfuriouswithme,

andIamnotgivingmyselfpermissiontodefendmyself,andIhurt.

Thisstoryhasnotidyending—wetalkedforhours,ormaybeIlistened,andI

heardhowdifficultitwasforher,howshefeltinvaded,howshefearedthatmy

otherloverwouldnotlikeher,howshefeltattackedbyherandmeboth,how

verymuchshefearedIwasabandoningher.Wecametonopatlittleanswers

thatmakegoodstoriesforbooks—wejustpouredoutanguish,andwentto

sleepexhausted,andwentonlovingeachotherandworkingonthisissueas

bestwecould.

It’sbeentwentyyearssinceDossiewrotethisstory,andsheisnolongerwith

this lover. The relationship ended for many reasons, none of them particularly

aboutjealousy.Weare including this story because wethink it’s important that

our readers know that even accomplished sluts struggle with pain,

miscommunication,mismatcheddesires,anger,and,yes,jealousy.

WhatIsJealousy?

We cannot ask this question too often. What is jealousy to you? Does jealousy

reallyexist,andisitwhatwethinkitis?Whenwechoosetoconfrontthefeeling

of jealousy rather than run away from it, we can see more clearly what jealousy

trulyisforeachofus.Jealousyisnotasingleemotion.Itcanshowupasgriefor

rage,hatredorself-loathing—jealousyisanumbrellawordthatcoversthewiderange

of emotions we might feel when our partners make sexual connection with

somebodyelse.

Jealousy may be an expression of insecurity, fear of rejection, fear of

abandonment, or feeling left out, not good enough, inadequate, or awful. Your

jealousy may be based in territoriality or in competitiveness or in some other

emotion that’s clamoring to be heard under the jealous racket in your brain.

Sometimesitmayshowupasblindscreamingrage—andbeingblindmakesitvery

difficulttosee.

Dossie,whenshefirststartedthinkingaboutandchallengingherjealousy,felt

analmostintolerablesenseofinsecurity,alongthelinesof,“Nobodywilleverlove

mebecausesomethingiswrongwithmeandI’munlovable.”Shediscoveredthis

aboutherselfintheearlyyearsoffeminism,soitfitperfectly withher feminist

explorationstogotoworkonherself-esteemandbuildafoundationofsecurity

thatdidn’tneedtobegrantedbyanotherpersonandthatnooneelsecouldtake

away.Youcanprobablyfigureouthowvaluablealessonthiswasandhowmany

moreuses she hasfoundforfeelingsecure within herself.Thank you, jealousy—

withoutthislessonshewouldn’tbeconfidentenoughtobewritingthisbook.

Ifyouexperienceyourjealousyasinsensaterage,thenyoumightwanttolearn

about how other people are dealing successfully with anger. You could read

something about anger, to discover how other people are thinking about it and

workingwithit.Perhapsyoucantakeacourseinangermanagement.Maybeyou

cancometotermswithyouranger.Maybeyoucangettoaplacewhereyouand

yourloversneedneverfearyourangeragain.Wouldn’tthatbeworthworkingon?

Manypeoplefindformsofjealousyinthemselvesthatareactuallyprettyeasyto

dealwith—naggingdoubts,bitsofnervousnessaboutperformanceorbodyimage.

Othersfindthemselvesfallingintoawhirlpoolofterrororgrief,difficultevento

lookat,muchlesstoteaseapartintoseparatefeelingslikefearofabandonmentor

lossorrejection.Whydowesometimesfeelthisway?Dossiethetherapisthasa

theory about this, based not only on her own experience but also that of many

clientsshehasworkedwithontheseissues.

Jealousyis often the maskwornbythemostdifficultinner conflictyouhave

goingonrightnow,aconflictthat’scryingouttoberesolvedandyoudon’teven

know it. Because it’s rooted so deeply, it can be incredibly difficult to stay

consciouswhenjealousypeeksoverthehorizon:wetwistandturnandwrithein

ourattemptsnottofeelit.Thisis whenyouremotionsaremostlikelytobring

youtogrief—whenyoubelievethatyouneedtoavoidfeelingthematanycost.

Onewaytonotfeelafeelingistoprojectitontoyourpartner.Projectionisa

psychological defense that involves trying to move a painful feeling outside

yourselfbyrunningyouremotionalmovieonsomeoneelse,asifthatpersonwere

ascreenforyourfearsandfantasies.Itmaybethatthisistheonlyrealdefinition

of jealousy: it’s the experience of projecting one’s uncomfortable feelings onto

one’spartner.

Buthere’ssomegoodnews.Ifyourecognizeyourselfinanyofthis,thensome

partofyouhasdecidedthatyouarestrongenoughtoacknowledgetheunderlying

emotion,andthatmeansyou’reinanexcellentpositiontodosomehealingright

now.Useyourjealousyasasignpost:“Workonthisfeeling!”Takeaclass,joina

group,findagoodtherapist,startpracticingmeditation—gotoworkonyourself.

You could get a whole lot of bang for your buck if you do the work that’s

presentingitselfnow:healoldwounds,openupnewpossibilities,gainhealthand

freedomfromfear…andsomewhereinthere,almostasabonus,yougettograsp

yoursexualfreedomaswell.

Sometimes what we perceive as jealousy is actually something else. Think

throughthedetailsofhowjealousyworksinyou.Whatbothersyouthemost?Isit

thatyoudon’twantyourpartnertodothosethingswithsomeoneelseorthatyou

dowantyourpartnertodothemwithyou?Jealousymightactuallybeenvy,and

envyisoftenveryeasytofix:whynotmakeadatewithyourlovertodowhatyou

havejustdiscoveredyouaremissing?

Sometimesjealousyisrootedinfeelingsofgriefandloss,whichcanbeharder

to interpret. We have been taught by our culture that when our partner has sex

withanother,wehavelostsomething.Nottosounddumb,butweareconfused.

Whenourpartnerscomehomefromhotdates,oftentheyareexcitedandturned

on and have some new ideas they would like to try out at home. We fail to see

whatweloseinthissituation.

Orthesenseoflossyoufeelmightbethelossofanideal,apictureyouhave

beenholdinginyourheadofwhataperfectrelationshipmightlooklike.Itmay

behelpfultorememberthatallrelationshipschangethroughtime:people’sneeds

anddesiresshiftaccordingtoageandcircumstance,andthemostsuccessfullong-

termrelationshipsaretheoneswithenoughflexibilitytoredefinethemselvesover

andoveragainthroughtheyears.

Occasionally,ourdiscomfortmeansthatwearebecomingawareonanintuitive

level that our partner is moving away from us. That does happen. The fact that

supposedlymonogamouspeopleeverywhereoftenleaveonepartnerforwhatthey

perceiveasgreenergrasswithanotherisnotmuchconsolationwhenithappensto

you.

We watched a friend of ours go through feelings of deep grief and loss when

theyperceivedthattheirpartner’sloverwastryingtoabscondwiththeirpartner.

Inthiscase,theirpainthrewaspotlightonsomedishonestyandmanipulationon

thepartofthethirdpartyandgavethepartnerthestrengthtobreakofffromthe

outsidelover andtofindother lovers who hadgreater respectfortheir primary

bond. On the other hand, this scenario might just as easily have ended in a

breakup;we’lltalkmoreaboutbreakups,anddealingwiththemethicallywithcare

for your own and your partner’s feelings, in chapter 22, “The Ebb and Flow of

Relationships.”

Jealousymightalsobeassociatedwithfeelingsofcompetitivenessandwanting

to be number one. There’s a reason there is no Olympics of sex: sexual

achievementisnotmeasurable.Wecannotrankeachandeveryoneofusonsome

hierarchicalladderofwhoisorisnotthemostdesirableorthebetterfuck.Ifyou

findoutaboutsomethingthatyouwouldliketoaddtoyourownrepertoire,you

cancertainlylearntodoitwithoutwastingtimetrashingyourselffornotalready

havingknownhow.

Fearofbeingsexuallyinadequatecanadduptoaverydeepandsecretwound.

Butallowustoreassureyouthateventually,whenyousucceedinestablishingthe

lifestyle you are dreaming about, you will be so familiar with so many different

individuals’ ways of expressingsexuality thatyou willnolongerhave towonder

how your sexuality compares to another’s; you’ll know from direct experience.

Greatloversaremade,notborn.Youcanlearnfromyourlovers,andyourlovers’

lovers,andyourlovers’lovers’lovers,tobethesexualsuperstaryouwouldliketo

be.

EXERCISE:HOWDOYOUEXPERIENCEJEALOUSY?

Set aside some time for introspection. Remember some times

whenyoufeltjealous,andwriteabouthowthatfelt.Youmayfind

your mind preoccupied with thoughts about what those other

peopleweredoing.Itmaytakealittlepatiencetogobacktoyour

ownfeelings:rage,grief,despair,desperation,anxiety;feelingsof

being lost, ugly, lonely, worthless; whatever other feelings are

particulartohowyouexperiencejealousy.Weareoftentempted

to accuse ourselves about horrid feelings, as if we needed some

sort of proper justification for feeling lousy. Try having some

compassionforyourselfwhenyoufeelsobad.

Whatisyourstoryaboutjealousy?Doyoubelieveitornot?How

doyouseeyourselfwhenyoufeeljealous?

UnlearningJealousy

Changingthewayyouexperienceafeelingtakestime,soexpectagradualprocess,

learningasyougo,bytrialanderror.Andtherewillbetrials,andyouwillmake

errors.

Start by giving yourself permission tolearn. Allowyourself tonotknow what

youdon’tknow,tobeignorant:Buddhistscallthis“beginner’smind.”Youmust

allowyourselftomakemistakes;youhavenochoice.Soreassureyourself:thereis

no graceful way to unlearn jealousy. It’s like learning to skate—you have to fall

downandmakeafoolofyourselfafewtimesbeforeyoubecomeasgracefulasa

swan.

The challenge comes in learning to establish within yourself a strong

foundation of safety in your relationship that is not dependent on sexual

exclusivity.Thisdifficultworkispartofthelargerquestionofhowtograspyour

personalpowerandlearntounderstandandloveyourselfwithoutanotherperson

tovalidateyou.Youbecomefreetogiveandreceivevalidation,notfromneedor

obligation,butfromloveandcaring.Wesuggestmoststronglythatyouputsome

effortintolearningtovalidateyourself:you’reworthit.

Manypeoplefindthatastheydeveloptheirpolyamorousfamilies,theyactually

getvalidationfromlotsandlotsofpeopleandthusbecomelessdependentonone

partner’s approval. Their needs and their sources of nourishment get spread out

overawiderterritory.

DisempoweringYourJealousy

Jealousyis notacancerthatyou can cut out.It is apartofyou,away thatyou

expressfearandhurt.Whatyoucandoischangethewayyouexperiencejealousy

andlearntodealwithitasyoulearntodealwithanyemotion:workwithituntil

it becomes, not overwhelming and not exactly pleasant, but tolerable—a warm

summershowerratherthanatyphoon.

One woman we talked to had some very good ideas about what you can do

aboutjealousy:

Inoticethatjealousycomesandgoes,dependingonhowgoodIfeelabout

myself.WhenI’mnottakingcareofgettingwhatIwant,it’seasytogetjealous

andthinkthatsomeoneelseisgettingwhatIamnot.Ineedtorememberthat

it’smyjobtogetmyneedsmet.Ifeelthejealousy,butI’mnotwillingtoacton

it,soitmostlygoesaway.

Once you have made a commitment to refuse to act on your jealousy, you

becomefreetostartreducingtheamountofpoweryouletithaveoveryou.One

waytodothisissimplybyallowingyourselftofeelit.Justfeelit.Itwillhurt,and

youwillfeelfrightenedandconfused,butifyousitstillandlistentoyourselfwith

compassionandsupportforthescaredchildinside,thefirstthingyouwilllearnis

thattheexperienceofjealousyissurvivable.

Alargepartofourdifficultieswithjealousycomesfromourattemptstoavoid

feelingascaryorpainfulemotion.Perhapslongagowhenwewerechildren,truly

powerless in the world and with a very limited set of tools for dealing with our

emotions,wefeltsomethingscaryandtoldourselves,“Iwillneverfeelthisagain;

it’stooawful.I’lldie.I’llkillmyself.”Sowestickthefeeling,andtheeventthat

inspiredit,intosomethinglikeapot,andweputthelidongoodandtight.Asthe

years go by, whenever something comes along that reminds us of what’s in the

pot, that rattles the lid a little, we push down on that lid—we may not even

rememberwhy.Andthepressurebuildsandbuilds,notsomuchfromwhat’sin

thepotasfromourfranticstrugglestokeepthelidon.

Whenwegrowupandweneedtotakethelidoffsothatwecandealwithour

emotionalrealityasanadult,itcanfeelterrifying.Butsurprisingly,oftenwhenwe

actuallylookatwhat’sinourpotandfeelit,it’smuchmoremanageablethanwe

hadfeared.Youcanindeedopenyourpots,lookatwhat’sbubblingawayinthere,

and then put the lid back on. Your old defenses will continue to work just fine

whenyouwantthemto.

We have heard sluts accuse each other of being jealous as if it were a crime:

“You’rejealous,aren’tyou?Don’ttrytodenyit!”Itisparticularlyimportantthat

youownyourjealousy,toyourselfandtoyourintimates.Ifyoutrytopretendthat

you are not jealous when you are, others may believe you and see no need to

supportorprotectyou—becauseyou’refine,right?Ortheymayconcludethatyou

are failing to take responsibility for your own emotions. When you deny your

jealousytoyourself,youtakefromyourselftheopportunitytobecompassionate

withyourself,toofferyourselfsupportandcomfort.

Let us remember that feeling jealousy (or any other emotion) is not a crime.

Onlyactionscanbeacrime.Feelingsarefeelings,andthey’retherewhetheryou

acknowledgethemornot.Butwhenyoushovethefeelingsbackintothepot,they

may try devious routes to bring themselves to your attention, manifesting

themselvesasintenselyirrationalanger,unreasonablebehavior,crushinganxiety

overanythingatall,tempertantrums,cryingfits,orevenphysicalillness.“Acting

out” means doing things you don’t understand, driven by emotions you have

refusedtobeawareof,inwaysyoumayregretlater.

Sometimes acting out takes the form of making ultimatums about what your

partnersmayandmaynotdoor,worse,tryingtoenforceretroactive“agreements”

by getting all righteously indignant about how anybody could have figured out

that it wasn’t okay to take Bob to the movie you wanted to see, and aren’t they

inconsiderateandrotten?Youcannotdealconstructivelywithjealousybymaking

other people wrong. Foisting your feelings off on your partners is a dead-end

strategy:itjustplainwon’twork.Jealousyisanemotionthatarisesinsideyou;no

personandnobehaviorcan“make” youjealous.Likeitornot,the only person

whocanmakethatjealousyhurtlessorgoawayisyou.

“Actingout’meansdoingthingsyoudon’tunderstand,drivenbyemotionsyou

haverefusedtobeawareof,inwaysyoumayregretlater.”

Sometimes when a lover is jealous and in pain, we may find it easier to feel

angryandpushthatpersonawaythantostayclose,stayinginempathy,listening,

andcaring.Whenweblamethispersonforbeingjealous,whatwe’rereallysaying

isthatwecan’tstandtolistentohowmuchourbelovedhurtswhenwe’reonthe

way out the door to play with someone else. This seeming indifference is a

crummywaytoavoiddealingwithourownguilt.

Thereareeasiersolutions.Feelingsliketobelistenedto—otherpeople’sfeelings

and your own. Once you understand that you are doing something constructive

whenyoujustlisten,orasksomeoneelsetojustlistentoyou,youcangetthose

troublesomefeelingsoutintheopenandlearntosatisfythem.Theideaistobe

nicetoyourfeelings,towelcomethemasguests,untiltheyfeelfinishedandmove

on through. Remember, you don’t have to fix anything: all you have to do is

listen,toyourselforanother,andunderstandthatthishurts.Period.

Janetandalifepartnerhadadifficultmomentwhenshefirsttoldhimthatshe

wasinlovewithoneofherlovers:

I’dbeenseeingthiswomanforawhileandrealized,muchtomysurprise,that

myfeelingstowardherhadgonebeyondsimplesexualfriendshipandintoa

deepromanticemotionthatIidentifiedasbeinginlove.WhenItoldmylife

partneraboutthis,Ithinkhisfirstimpulsewastofeelthreatened,insecure,and,

yes,jealous.Icouldfeelhimgettingclosetoexploding.Itwashardformenot

totrytofixthings,totakebackwhatI’dsaidaboutbeinginloveortosimply

leavethediscussionaltogetherbecauseIfeltscaredandguilty.

Buthestayedoncourse,allowingthefeelingstopresentthemselves,butnot

allowingthemtodrivehimintoactingangryordefensive.Heaskedmesome

questionsaboutwhatexactlythismeanttous,andIwasabletoexplainthatI

wasn’tplanningtoleavehim,thatmyloveforherwasinnowayathreattomy

loveforhim,thatsheandIweren’texpectingtobecomeprimarypartners—that,

really,nothinghadchangedexceptmyownemotionsandthewordsIwas

usingtodescribethem.Wewentontorevisitthisdiscussionfromtimetotime,

especiallywhenourbusyschedulespermittedmetospendsomeextratime

withmylover.

SheandIdriftedapartfairlyeasilylateronaswemovedontootherthingsin

ourlives…and,forthatmatter,sodidheandI,lesseasily.Butallthreeofuswho

wereinvolvedinthatparticulartrianglecanlookbackwithprideatthewaywe

gaveeachotherthespaceandrespectweneededtoprocessachangethatat

firstfeltterriblythreateningtousall.

Youcanfeeljealousywithoutactingonit.Flyingintoarageandbreakingall

the crockery, or calling your lover’s lover and hanging up every fifteen minutes

during your first sleepless night, or picking a fight with whoever’s handy won’t

helpyoufeelbetter.Allthesearethingsthatpeopledotonotfeeljealous,tonot

feel scared and small. Anger can help us feel powerful when we use it to push

vulnerablefeelingsaway,butitwon’tactuallymakeusstrongerorsafer.

Whenyouholdstillwithyourjealousy,youwillfindthatitispossibletofeel

somethingdifficultwithoutdoinganythingyoudon’tchoosetodo.Youwillhave

takenyoursecondstepatdisempoweringyourjealousy.You’vetoldyourjealousy

that you will not allow it to drive you to do anything that might destroy your

lovingrelationships.

KhalilGibranwrotesomethingtrulyprofoundaboutthenatureofpain:“Your

painisthebreakingoftheshellthatenclosesyourunderstanding.”

WhitewaterRafting

Sothereyouare,shellcracked,withwavesofpainwashingoveryou.Whatdoyou

do?Getascomfortableasyoucanandseehowyoucanlearntoridethosewaves

insteadofdrowningunderthem.Gatherupthecouragetofeelwhatyou’refeeling.

Explore your feelings, nourish them, treasure them—they are the most essential

partofyou.

Begoodtoyourselfandrememberthatthemostimportantpartofloveisnot

loving someone’s beauty and strength and virtue. The real test of love is when

someoneseesourweaknesses,ourstupidities,andoursmallnesses,andstillloves

us.Thisunconditionalloveiswhatwewantfromourlovers,andweshouldexpect

nolessfromourselves.

Remember,asyoulookatyourself,tolookkindly,andalsorememberthatyou

arenotbalancingacheckbook:anythingyouseethatyoudon’tlike,orthatyou

wanttochange,isnotadebitthatyousubtractfromyourvirtues.Whenyoulearn

to reflect on your strengths, it becomes easier to look at your weaknesses with

acceptanceandcompassion.Keepyourvirtuesattheirfullvalueandcherishthem.

Startbysettingyourselfthetaskofgettingthroughashortperiodoftimewith

yourjealousy,likeaneveningoranafternoonwhenyourpartnermaybeoffwith

another.Makeapactwithyourselfthatyouwillstaywithyourfeelings,whatever

theymaybe,forthisbrieftime.Ifawholeeveningornightseemsliketoolong,

start with five or ten minutes, then arrange to distract yourself with a video or

whatever.

ItMightBeEasierThanYouThought

Oneofthepossible,andindeedcommon,outcomeswillbethatyourpartnerwill

go off on a date with another and you will feel just fine. Surprise! Your

anticipation may have been a lot worse than the actual event. Experienced sluts

often find that they feel jealous only now and then. When they do experience

jealousy,theyexaminethosespecificexperiencestoseewhattheycanlearnabout

themselves and then brainstorm strategies to make that particular sort of event

saferandeasier.

Onecouplewetalkedtoisworkingtomaintaintheirrelationshipinadifficult

situation:oneofthemisoutoftownmostofthetimeonbusiness,andthusmuch

oftheiractivitywithotherpartnerstakesplaceundercircumstancesthatprevent

themfromreconnectingphysicallyafterward.Oneoftheiragreementsisthatthey

talkonthephoneeverysinglenight,regardlessofwheretheyareorhowbusythey

are. Often, their conversations take place after one of them has spent time

connecting with an outside partner. One of them notes their experience during

theseconversations:

Heallowsmyfeelings.Idon’thesitatetosayanythingIwant;infact,he

encouragesmeto.I’vefoundthatjustbeingallowedtosaythesethings,totalk

aboutmyjealousyandsadness,somehowdefusesthem.Theylosealotoftheir

powerbecausetheymeetnoresistancefromhim;hejustlistenstothemand

letsthembe.

FeelYourFeelings

Painful feelings, even the most intense of them, have a tendency to run their

courseifyouletthem,soaninitialstrategyistomakeyourselfascomfortableas

possible and wait. Find your jealous feelings—hurt or anger or whatever—and let

themflowthroughyou,likeariver.Yourmindmayberacingwithnastythoughts,

anger,orblame,focusingonsomedetailthatyou’reabsolutelycertainthoseother

people did wrong, believing that someone is taking advantage of you or riding

roughshod over your naked emotions, and obsessing over it. You hurt a lot, so

surelyitmustbesomebody’sfault!Butsometimesthereisgreatpain,andthereis

novillain.Allowustoreassureyou:weallgothroughthis.Don’tdieofshame,

justletthesethoughtsrunonthrough.

Make a commitment to take care of yourself in a kind way. Feelings, once

uncovered, can be better understood by befriending them. It is useful to have

scriptsandstrategiesforself-exploration.Journalwritingcanbeagoodwaytovent

feelingsandlearnaboutyourselfatthesametime.Itisokaytocoverpagesofyour

journalwith“FUCKFUCKFUCKIHATETHIS!”inbrightredink;ifthisfeels

goodtoyou,werecommendyougetanextra-largejournal.Trywritingdownyour

streamofconsciousness,whichmeanswhateveryoufindinyourheadwhetheror

notit makessense,and seewhatyouget.Treasures,jewelsofself-knowledge,are

oftenfoundhere.

“Makeacommitmenttotakecareofyourselfinakindway.”

You can get a big drawing pad and a set of oil pastels, which are crayons for

grown-ups. These big crayons encourage expression with bright colors and

discouragegettinghungupondetails.Sometimesyouwilldrawandgetsquiggles,

andthat’sgreat;thesmallestthingyoucanaccomplishwillhelpyouholdstillfor

awhileandrantincolor.Othertimes,youmaysurpriseyourselfwithadrawing

thatisprofoundlymeaningfultoyou.

Somepeopleliketoexpresstheirfeelingswiththeirbodiesandmightliketo

runorworkoutatthegymorcleanthekitchenordiginthegarden.Safetynote:

ifyourfeelingslikeintensephysicalexpression,youwillneedtokeepapieceof

yourmindalert;you’reheavilyadrenalizedandfeelstrongerthanyouactuallyare,

sogivealittleattentiontowhatyoucandowithoutinjury.

Tryfindingmusicthatfitsyourmood,angryorsadorfrantic,anddanceyour

feelingsout.Itcanalsobeverysatisfyingtogetacheapplastictennisracketand

beatupyourcouch:Kneelinfrontofthecouch,raisetheracketaboveyourhead,

andbringitdownwithallyourstrength.Keepyoureyesopen,imagineanything

onthecouchthatyouareangryatexceptyourself,andyell,loudly,howyoufeel.

Whenyouexpressyourself,yougettoknowyourselfbetterandworkoutsome

of the most intensestressconstructively.At the least,youcouldwindup with a

cleankitchen.

Tryfocusingonthefeelingsinyourbody:wheredoyoufeeltheseemotions,in

your throat, chest, gut? Turning your attention to the physical sensations can

intensify themandmightbring up tears,but they willmove on through ifyou

allowyourselftofeelthemonthephysicallevel.Ifragecomeswellingup,youcan

poundonapillow.Ifyoustarttocry,letitflow,rememberingthesenseofrelief

thatcomesafterexpressingintenseemotionintears.

Sometimesyouwilltryoutawayofventingyourangerandfindthatitmakes

youfeelworse.Makeyourselfasoothingcupofteaanddon’tdothatagain—it’s

notyourway.

Somepeoplehavetroubledoingthisbecausethey’vebeentaughtthatit’swrong

tofeelsorryforyourself.You’reallowedtofeelbadforanyoneelseyouknow,so

whyshouldn’tyoutakesometimetofeelbadforyourself?Thisishardandyou’re

struggling,sobekindtoyourself.

Newneurologicalstudiesshowsomethingreallyinteresting:fearcannotcoexist

with gratitude. So if you’re feeling scared or insecure, try remembering three

thingsyou’regratefulforandseeifanythingshifts.

EXERCISE:REASSURANCE

Here’sanexercise you can do with your partner to learn how to

takecareofeachotherevenwhentimesarehard.

Make a list of ten things your partner could do that would

reassureyou.

Avoidabstractions—focusonbehaviors,notemotions.“Loveme

more”isanemotionandthushardtoacton;howwillyouknow

thatyourpartnerlovesyoumore?“Bringmearose”isabehavior

thatanybodywith adollarcanperform. Write yourlistinprivate,

yourpartnercandothesame,andthenyoucangettogetherand

lookateachother’slists.

Thisassignmentmaybemorecomplicatedthanitsounds.Many

questions may come up in your mind: How could I ask for that?

Shouldn’tmypartneralreadyknow? IfI havetoaskforit,doesit

really count?Ifmypartnerloved me,wouldn’tthisbehappening

already?

Ifyou’rehaving thoughtslikethese,imaginewhat it mightfeel

like tobe asked for reassurance by your partner. Wouldn’t it feel

good to know how you could help? We can’t read each other’s

minds,butwedocare,andwecanhelponceweknowhow.

Who’stoBlame?

As you get skilled at finding and expressing your feelings, you can try a more

challenging task: see if you can write about or talk to your friend about your

feelings without blaming anybody—not your lover, not your lover’s lover, and

especiallynotyourself.Thisexerciseisnoteasy:youwillbesurprisedhowreadily

weallslipintothatblamingmode,butitisvery,veryworthwhiletolearntohave

yourfeelingswithoutfoistingthemonsomeoneelse.

Italsohelpstopayattentiontohowweattributeintention.“You’rejustdoing

thisbecauseyouwanttomakememad”—howoftendoyousupposethat’sactually

true?Wejustaboutnevermakeanybodymadonpurpose;theresultsareusually

unpleasant.It’seasytoinventotherpeople’sintentionsforthemtotrytomake

senseofwhatyou’refeeling…butitcanbeveryhardforthemtospeaktheirtruth

ifsomeone’saccusingthemofintentionstheyneverhad.

Onlywhenwe’reallwillingtoownouremotions,andletourloversandfriends

owntheirs,doesanyonehavethepowertochangeandgrow.

WhenYouAretheThirdParty

Alltheseideasabouttakinggoodcareofyourselfapplywhetheryouaresingleor

partnered, but those of us who live alone have to make special preparations to

avoid becoming isolated with our feelings. (We’ve written about this at much

more length in chapter 21, “The Single Slut.”) You need to reach out to close

friendsorperhapsgettoasupportgroupormunchinyourarea.Makeagreements

withfriendstolistentoeachother’sfeelings.Don’tforgettoplantimeforserious

communicationwiththepartnerinquestion.Beingsingle,orotherthanalive-in

partner,doesnotmeanyouwillneverfeeljealousyoranyotherdifficultfeelings.

Whenwearedatingbutnotlivingtogether,wemayhavetroublemakingtime

forseriousdiscussionsofourfeelings,ourdifferences,or,forthatmatter,howwe

each understand and appreciate the relationship we are having. To make time,

many people place a special value on actually sleeping together: the sharing of

coffee, the slow awakening, and even ordinary old breakfast. If each time you

connectwithyoursweetieisintendedtobehotandheavysex,itcanbehardto

make space for simple conversation, talking about feelings, hearing feelings,

gettingtoknowand appreciateeach other,gettingconnected. Ifyoudon’tsleep

together,trygettingtogetherforlunchorbrunchatsomeothertime,ormakea

datetohikeinthecountryoronabeach,orvisitabotanicalgardenoramuseum.

BabyYourself

When your emotions are overwhelming and chaotic, it can help to ask yourself

whetherthereisanythingyoucoulddothatwouldhelpyoufeeljustonetinybit

safer.Letgoofthe big picture:maybeit’stoobigtofigurethe wholethingout

right now. Take a few deep breaths, consciously relax some muscles, listen to

soothing music. Try wrapping yourself in a soft blanket. It may not seem like

much,butonceyoumanagetodoanythingthatimprovesyourloteventhelittlest

bit,youaremovingintherightdirectiontobuildsomeconfidencethatyoucan

learntodealwithyourjealousy.

Giveyourselfpermissiontotakegoodcareofyourselfwhileyoulearntowork

throughhardfeelings.Treatitliketheflu:nurtureyourself.Whatarethethings

you find comforting? Give them to yourself: hot chocolate, warm towels after a

longsoak,alongsessionwithyourmostbelovedmovieorcomputergame,your

favorite teddy bear? Effective self-nurturing often happens on the level of body

awareness, so nice physical experiences—massages, hot baths, skin lotion, flannel

pajamas—cangiveasenseofcomfortandsecurityevenwhenyourmindisanxious

andyourthoughtsareamess.Giveyourselfpermissiontotakethebestpossible

careofyourself.

Whenyouanticipatefeelingjealous,makeplanstooccupyyourtime.Itmaybe

toomuchtoaskthatyoualwayshaveahotdateatexactlythesametimeasyour

lover:mostpeople’sschedulesaretoocomplicated.Sowhatdoyoudowhenyour

partner’sdatecomesdownwiththeflu?Doyoucancelyourdate?Thepeopleyou

make these dates with might be counting on you, the time they have with you

mightbeimportanttothem.Thirdpartieshavearighttosomepredictabilityin

theirlives,too.

Butevenifyoucan’troundupahotdateforyourself,youcanprobablyfinda

friend to watch a movie with, talk obsessively (with due attention to

confidentiality,ofcourse),eatcookies,chewyourfingernails,dowhateverworks.

We do not recommend drinking and drugging, as getting high might very well

increase the intensity of your disturbance and disinhibit you enough that you

mightforgetyourcommitmenttoexperienceyourjealousywithoutactingonit.A

certainamountofescapismisfine,butifyouanesthetizeyourselfsothatyoufeel

nothingatall,youwilllosetheopportunitytodevelopskillsatdealingwiththe

feelingsyou’rehaving.

Acquiring these skills takes practice, like meditating or learning to skate. At

firstyoufeelstupidandwonderwhyyou’redoingit,anditdoesn’tworkverywell.

But if you practice taking good care of yourself, after a while your view of the

worldchangesalittle,anditbecomesamuchmorefriendlyandwelcomingplace,

becauseyou’vecreateditthatway.

EXERCISE:FIFTEENWAYSTOBEKINDTOYOURSELF

Writealistoffifteeneasythingsyoucandotobekindtoyourself:

forinstance,“Gotothestoreandbuymyselfaflower”or“Soakmy

feetinhotwaterandgivethemarub.”Sometimesithelpstoask

yourself:“WhatcouldIdotofeelalittlebitsaferorbetterortaken

careof?”Puttheitemsonyourlistonindexcards.Thenexttime

youfeelupsetandcoulduseakindness,pullacardanddowhatit

says.

ToughItOut

Whennobetterplanisavailable,thereisnothingwrongwithgrittingyourteeth,

bitingthebullet,andhanginginthereuntilit’sover.Dossieremembersherfirst

challengeaftershedecidedtoneverbemonogamousagain:

IhadbeencasuallydatingayoungmanandhadtoldhimatgreatlengththatI

wasnotavailableforpartneringandhadnointentionofeverbeing

monogamousagain.Hecameovertovisitatmyhomewhenmybestfriend

wasthere,weallgotalittlestoned,andhecameontoher.Shelikedhimand

didn’tknowIwasinvolvedwithhim,sotheystartedneckingrightinthemiddle

ofmylivingroom.Eeeek!MythoughtswentracingasIwatchedthem,thinking:

“Well,it’snotlikeIwanttomarryhim,andIdon’tthinkIfeellikejoiningthem,

andIdon’tthinkmyfriendisbisexualanyway,sowhatdoIdo?”MissManners

hassaidnothingontheappropriateetiquetteforthissituation.ForawhileIsat

frozen,totellthetruth,andfinallyIthoughttomyself,“Okay,sothere’sno

script,I’llhavetomakeoneup.WhatwouldIbedoingifmyfriendandmynew

loverweren’trollingaroundonthefloorwiththeirbraceslocked?”IguessedI’d

betakingnotesfromthetarotbookIwasreading,soIwentupstairsand

studied,grittingmyteeth.Focusingonmynotesgavemeatleastalittlereliefby

occupyingmymind.Eventuallytheyleft,andIgotthroughastrangeandlonely

night,notfeelingnecessarilygreat,butatleastproudofmyselfthatIhad

survived.Ifeltnotatalldamaged,reallyokay.WhatIgotagriponwasmyown

strength,so…funkyasitwas,thiswasmyfirstsuccessfulrunthroughjealousy.

GofortheIck

Here’s a good question to ask yourself as you seek to understand your jealousy:

“What are the specific images that disturb me the most?” Chances are you are

already imagining along these lines, so you’re not likely to make yourself feel

worsebythinkingaboutthescarystuffonpurpose.

Those disturbing images, the ones that really bother you, are not telling you

whatyourpartnerisdoing—youactuallydon’tknowwhatyourpartnerisdoing.

Whenwedon’tknowwhat’sgoingon,fewofusareabletojustsay,“Idon’tknow”

and stop thinking about it. We fill in the blanks and, to do that, we make

somethingup.Whatyouseewhenyoufillintheblankshasnothingtodowith

reality:itisyourfear.Sonowyouknowwhatyouareafraidofandknownothing

aboutwhatisreallyhappening.

Ourminds,likenature,abhoravacuum.Wegetnervous.Thinkofthelasttime

youwerewaitingforsomeonetoreturnacallorafamilymemberwassignificantly

latecominghome.Didyoucallthehighwaypatrol,sendoutfrantictexts,imagine

terriblepossibilities?Maybeyoucanmakeanagreementtocalleachotherbefore

youleavealover’shouseforthetriphome,justtohelppreventthiskindofworry.

One powerful way to come to terms with your fears is to acknowledge them:

“Yes,I’mafraidofthat.”Realityisalmostalwayslessterrifyingthanfiction,soyou

cancounteryourfearswithrealitytesting.

Pay attention also to your imaginings that are less dangerous, less anxiety-

ridden.Youmaybesurprisedtofindthatimaginingyourloverinthemidstofsex

withsomeoneelseislessscarythanyouthoughtitwouldbe,ormaybeimagesof

kissing bother you more than intercourse, or whatever. Try writing down your

imaginingsonindexcardsandthenputtingtheminorderfromthemosttothe

leastscary.

Then you will know what parts scare you the most and what the safer-feeling

partsare.Nowyouhavesomethingtoturnyourmindtowardthatwillhelpyou

feel a little bit safer, which is your first step on the road to becoming nearly

comfortable.

RemembertheGoodStuff

Makealistofeverythingyouvalueaboutyourrelationshipandputitasidefora

rainy day. Be an optimist, turn your mind to the positive end of things. Value

whatyouhaveandwhatyougetfromyourpartner:thetime,attention,andlove,

thegoodstuffthatfillsyourcup.Avoidbeingthepessimistwhofocusesonwhat

is not there, the energy that goes somewhere else. That energy is not subtracted

from what you receive; relationships are not balanced like checkbooks. So when

you are feeling deprived, remember all the good stuff you get from your

partnership.

EXERCISE:TREASURES

Makealistoftenormorereasonswhyyourpartnerisluckytohave

you.Putthelistinyourpocketandcarryitaroundwithyoufora

fewdays.

Makealistoftenormorereasonswhyyouareluckytohavethis

partner.

Maybe you and this partner could both make lists and share

them.

Sharing

Youandyourpartnersneedtopracticetalkingaboutjealousy.Acoupleweknow

tellusthattheyhavedevelopedaconventionintheirrelationshipthateachcan

asktheotherforwhattheycalla“jellymoment.”Inyourjellymoment,yougetto

say what’s bothering you. Perhaps you feel scared and jealous, nervous about

sayinggoodbyefortheweekend,smallandsilly,andyourkneesarefeelinglike,

well,jelly.Yourpartner’scommitmentistolisten,sympathize,andvalidate.That’s

theresponse:not“Okay,I’llcancelmydatewithBlanche,”but“Aw,honey,I’m

sorryyoufeelbad.Iloveyou,andI’llbebacksoon.”

When we tell our partners that we feel jealous, we are making ourselves

vulnerableinaveryprofoundway.Whenourpartnersrespondwithrespect,listen

tous,validateourfeelings,andsupportandreassureus,wefeelbettertakencareof

than wewould have ifnodifficulty hadarisen in the first place. Sowestrongly

recommendthatyouandyourpartnersgiveeachothertheprofoundlybonding

experienceofsharingyourvulnerabilities.Weareallhuman,weareallvulnerable,

andweallneedvalidation.

“When we tell our partners that we feel jealous, we are making ourselves

vulnerableinaveryprofoundway.”

Yourstrategiesforsurvivingperiodsofjealousywillstandyouingoodsteadfor

the rest of your life, and you will use what you learn about yourself from this

practice overandover.All of the techniques listedaboveareapplicable toother

difficult events, like job interviews and writing your resume. Now you have a

repertoire of ways to deal with bouts of jealousy; these tools will also help you

handleotherpainfulemotionsthatmaycomeyourway.Sowhenyougetthisfar,

congratulateyourself.Celebrateyoursuccesses:Write“Iamagenius”two dozen

timeswithlotsofbrightcolors.Buyyourselfsomethingnifty.You’vedonealotof

hardworkandyoudeserveareward.

ASpiritualPath?

Whenyougrowbeyondyourjealousybydoingthehealingthatyourjealousyis

calling on you to do, you’re also stepping out of old paradigms and familiar

assumptionsintotheunknown,whichisscary.Workingtochangeyouremotions

requiresthatyouopenup,bewillingtofeel,flinchingwhennecessary,becoming

more conscious. Isn’t that what spirituality is, an opened and expanded

consciousness?

Jealousy can become your path, not only to healing old wounds but also to

openheartedness—openingyourhearttoyourloversandtoyourselfasyouopen

your relationships to fit in all the love and sex and fulfillment that truly are

availabletoyou.

A final note about love: One remedy for the fear of not being loved is to

rememberhowgooditfeelstolovesomeone.Ifyou’refeeling unlovedand you

wanttofeelbetter,golovesomeoneandseewhathappens.

OnRomance

Oneofthewordspeopleusetotalkabouttheirrelationshipsisromantic. InDossie’stherapy

practice,sometimesaclientwillshrugoffanewconnection,saying,“Oh,that’snotaromantic

relationship.”It’snotawordeitherofususesmuch,sowesetofftofigureoutwhatitmeans.

Weaskedafewfriends.Whatwelearnedisthatromance,toalotofpeople,seemstohave

to do with the depth of emotion and commitment, and/or with plugging into a particular,

idealizedstory.Romance,formany,seemstomeanaparticularkindofnarrativeratherthana

kind of feeling. Think, for example, about the distinction that many people draw between

“romantic” relationshipsand “sexual” relationships:intheformer, there’sanimpliedtrajectory.

We’veallseenthis storyoverandover inbooksandmoviesandtelevision:boymeetsgirl (or

boymeets boyorgirl meets girl),there’s a date, there’sasecond date, there’sa thirddatein

whichsexishad,thereareunderstandingsandmisunderstandingsandgiftsandfunny/quirky

moments,andthenthere’sawedding,atwhicheachpartnerpromisesalifetimeof“cleaving

unto.”

Weseenothingatallwrongwithanyofthis,upuntiltheveryend.Veryfewofusevergotto

readstoriesinwhichthehappily-ever-afterincludedthree(orfourormore)people.Evenfewer

ever considered the possibility that they might wish to do one kind of, er, cleaving with one

person and another kind with another. Fewer yet learned that parting company and

rediscovering one another as friends or coparents or loving exes can be part of the story of

romance,too.

Becauseweall grew up surrounded by this storyin everythingfromfairytales toerotica, it

sometimescreatesexpectationsthatcaninterferewithyourgoalsasanethicalslut.Theone-

size-fits-all“romance”narrativecanleadyoutotrytoforceallyourrelationshipsintoit,whether

or not that story is a good fit for you, the real, nonfictional person in front of you, and the

relationshipyoucouldbuildtogether.

Soifyou’rethekindofpersonwhodreamsofasingleredroseandawalkonthebeachat

sunset,enjoythatlovelydream,andknowthatyoucanlearntodreamitwithdifferentdetails,

withdifferentpeople,inasmanywaysasyourimaginationandlibidocancarryyou.

EMBRACINGCONFLICT

Nothing builds intimacy like shared vulnerability. We’ll never discount all the

wonderfulthingsthatwegetfromsharinglove—laughterandhappinessandsex—

butnothingdeepensintimacyliketheexperienceswesharewhenwefeelflayed,

withourskinsoff,scaredandvulnerable,andourloversaretherewithus,willing

toshareinthescarystuff.Thesearethetimesthatbringustheclosesttogether.

What’sinItforYou?

Somepeoplefinditsurprising tolearnthataslut canexperienceoverwhelming

insecurities,butthetruthisthatslutsarejustasnervousasanyoneelse,andskills

toallayouranxietieswerenottaughttousinourcradles.

Your own freedom might turn out to be a lot easier to accept than your

partners’—orviceversa. Going outandstayinghome areseparatefunctions,like

eatingandcooking,eachwithitsownrewards,andeachrequiresspecificskillsto

accomplish.

“Nothingbuildsintimacylikesharedvulnerability.”

Whenproblemsarise,agoodquestiontoaskyourselfis“WhatamIhopingto

getoutofthissituation?”Whyareyoudoingallthishardworktobecomeaslut?

The answer depends on your own individual situation, but for many of us, the

payoffisourownfreedom,andwehavetolearntogivefreedomtoourpartnersif

we’regoingtogetitforourselves.

Givingandgettingfreedommeanswealsoneedtohavesomegoodwaystodeal

with the inevitable conflicts that will arise when strong emotions are at stake.

Therearelotsofgoodways.Startbycheckinginwithyourselfonwhatyoualready

know about conflict. You already have very strong ideas about this; you learned

them,literally,atyourparents’knees,orperhapswhilecringinginthecorner.

Studying the scripts you had to live by in your childhood will explain a lot

abouthowyoureacttoangerandconflicttoday.Asachild,youhadnochoices;

you had to fit in, somehow, to your family’s script. How did you keep yourself

safe?

Wasthisneveranissue?Peoplewhogrewupinhealthyfamiliesareoftenboth

easygoing and unafraid. The downside of growing up in an unusually healthy

familyisthatitcanbehardtounderstandwhyeverybodyelsegetssoscared.

Most people, though, learned to hide for their own safety or to fight back to

protectthemselvesortobecomesmallandpatheticsothatpeoplewouldtakepity

on them. If you have any of these responses to conflict—defensiveness, rage,

withdrawal,weepiness,whatever—itiscertainthatyoudevelopedthemforagood

reason.

Once you understand how you learned your reflexes, more choices open up.

Talk with your partners—what are their scripts? What’s going on when A really

wantstohearhowBfeels,onlyBistryingtogetsafebyhiding?Maybeyoueach

have different skills you learned about dealing with conflict. Maybe you could

learnnewonesfromeachother.

FightingFair

Thinkingabouthowintimatebondsarecementedbysharingvulnerablefeelings

bringsustoperhapstheultimateactofintimacy:fighting.Many peoplebelieve

thatfightingbetweenpartnersistobeavoidedatallcosts,butmostrelationship

therapists disagree. Fights between partners appear to be a universal experience:

notmanypeopleactuallyenjoythem,buttheyseemtobenecessary,aconstructive

elementinthebuildingofsolidrelationshipsandsupportinggrowthandchange,

likethefiresthatmakenewgrowthpossibleinoldforests.

Therehas tobe awaytocommunicateangerinalong-termrelationship, and

therehastobeawaytostrugglewithdisagreements.Firstyoumayneedtovent

someanger,whichwillincludefindingasafeandconstructivewaytoexperienceit

and release some of it. You’ll probably need to make agreements ahead of time

abouthowtodothis:Notatyourpartner?Notinfrontofthekids?Notbehind

thewheel?Notaftergettinghighordrinking?Whereisitsafeforeverybodyfor

youtogetreallyloud?

Theproblem,asweseeit,isnottoavoidfighting,buttolearntofightinways

thatarenotdestructive—physically,morally,oremotionally.Agoodfightisvery

differentfromabuse.Inagoodcleanfight,thereisrespectforsafetyandmutuality

sothatbothpeoplegettofullyexpresstheirfeelingsandcomeouttheotherend

strongerandcloserthanbefore:bondedbyfire,asitwere.

Theconceptof“fairfighting”wasfirstexpoundedbyDr.GeorgeR.Bachinhis

wonderful book, The Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage.

Published in 1968, the book is terribly outdated, but the material on

communicationanddetaileddescriptionsofconstructivewaystoshareyouranger

with a partner are priceless. You might also consider reading any of the books

listed in Further Reading. Whatever book you choose, reading a book together

with your partner will put you on the same page, with some of the same

information, and get you talking about how you communicate about what’s

importanttoyou.

Occasionally,youmaydecidetodismisssomethingthat’sbuggingyoubecause

itseemstootrivial.However,ifthatissuecomesintoyourmindthreetimes,itis

obviously still bothering you. Perhaps you could start a conversation with,

“There’sasmallthingthat’sbeenbotheringme.”

So,iffeelingsliketobeheard,andangerisafeelingthatcanbeveryhardto

hear,howcanweventangerwithoutcreatingmoretroublethanwerelieve?

Win-WinSolutions

A good fight starts with the understanding that for a fight to be successful,

everyonehastowin.Ifonepersonwinsafightandanotherloses,theproblemthat

caused the fight has not been resolved: it is naive to imagine that just because

you’ve“lost,”you’vegivenupyourinterestinwhateverissueisatstake.Whenyou

feel overpowered, outgunned, or shouted down, you will be resentful, and the

problem will go on being a problem. The only real way to win is to come to a

solutionwhereallparties concernedfeelthatthey have won.Soinagoodclean

fight, each person’s feelings get heardandconsidered, andsolutions aredecided

onbyagreement,notrhetorical“mightmakesright.”

We make a fight fair by agreeing on rules and limits and by respecting

everyone’s right to express their feelings and opinions, including our own. It is

usuallyhelpfultoscheduleatimetofightandmakeanagreementtodoso;itdoes

notpromoteconstructivehostilitiesifwewaylayourpartnerinthebathroomor

onthewayoutthedoortowork.Weneedtoschedulediscussionsatatimewhen

wecangivethemourfullattention.

Scheduling fights has the added advantage that you can prepare for them,

organizeyourthoughts,andknowyouhaveatimewhenthisparticularissuewill

bedealtwith.IfyoufeelupsetaboutthegrocerybillsonTuesdayandyouknow

you have a date to fight about it on Thursday, it’s pretty easy to put your stuff

asideuntilthen.Mostpeopledon’tputtheirstuffasideverywellwhenitseems

thattheirissueswillnevergetdealtwith.

“Whaddayamean,scheduleafight?Don’ttheyjusterupt,likevolcanoes?And

when we have a fight, we are not likely to obey any rules or respect any limits,

right? Aren’t we talking about intense emotional outbursts?” Well, yes, but we

don’tbelieveyoucansettleanyissueswhenyouareinanintenseemotionalstate.

Whenyourfeelingserupt,itisimportanttoacknowledgethemandpayattention.

However awkwardly you may be expressing yourself, this is your truth; you

obviouslyfeelstronglyaboutit,soit’sanimportanttruth.

Triggering

Howisitthatwesometimesgettriggeredintoverystrongemotions,particularly

at times of intimate conflict? We all do it; it’s not just you. Dossie recalls at

nineteenhavingpanicattacksthatseemedtocomeoutofnowhere—untiloneday

she noticed that something had moved fast near her face. Her father had been

pronetosuddenburstsoftemperaccompaniedbyahardslapacrosstheface,and

Dossierealizedthatwheneversomethingmovedsuddenlynearherface—evenher

lover—somepartofherbelievedthatshewasabouttogethit.Oncesheunderstood

this,shebecameabletolookaroundandseethatnothingwasthreateningherin

thepresent,andthesepanicattacksdisappeared.

New research into brain functioning has given us a lot of very useful

information about howtriggering works on the physiological level. We have an

organcalledtheamygdalathatdoesthejobofrememberingsituationsassociated

withstrongemotions,bothpleasurableandterrifying,andsettingusintoaction.

Themostfamiliarformofthisphenomenonisitsgreatestextreme,theflashbacks

experiencedbyabusesurvivorsandcombatveterans.

The amygdala has a direct line to the pituitary gland and can set off our

emergencyresponsesystemsbeforeourintellectscancatchup.Adrenalinepours

into our bloodstream, norepinephrine floods our synapses, our cells release all

theirsugarsintoourveinstogiveusenergytofightortorunawayfromtigers.

Our entire system gets hijacked by chemical reactions, and everything instantly

feels terribly, terribly urgent. Triggering is particularly common,and intense, in

intimatearguments,where allof the oldtriggers welearnedas children mayget

stimulated. To complicate matters, many of us have learned for one reason or

anothertosuppressourfeelings,soweareoftentriggeredwithoutevenknowing

whathappenedorwhy.

Thefirstthingtorecognizeisthatnothingcangetresolvedinthisadrenalized

state. The flight or fight responses to adrenaline give us tremendous energy to

surviveacrisisbutnotverymuchinthewayofcommonsense.

But two things happen during this physiological stress response that we can

learn to use. The first is that if we can occupy ourselves for fifteen or twenty

minutes without restimulating the stress reflex, our physiology will return to

normalandwewillreturntosanity.Theprocessoftakingatime-outtogetcalm

againisdescribedbelow.

Betteryet,everytimewesucceedinspendingthatfifteenminutestakingcareof

ourselves in the kindest way we can muster, we actually physically heal our

amygdalas—by growing more integrating fibers that deliver soothing

neurotransmitters—andthusweincreaseourcapacitytosootheourselvesinacrisis

everytimewemanageit.Sopractice,practice,practicebeingkindtoyourself.

Here’showtotakeatime-outwhenyouorapartnergetstriggered.Findaway

tostopandseparate.Then,findanurturingwaytotakecareofyourselfforabout

fifteenminuteswithoutretriggeringyouremergencysystem,untilyouradrenaline

getsbacktonormal,andyoufeelrelativelycalm.

Therearesomeagreementsyouwillneedtonegotiatebeforehandwitheachof

yourpartners.First,everyoneshouldunderstandthatatime-outisabsolutelynot

aboutwhosefaultthisis.Ifwhatyou’redoingortalkingaboutiswhattriggered

the emergency overload, then both of you need to stop doing that to stop the

adrenaline.Stoppingcanbedifficult:someoneisalmostcertaintofeelabandoned,

cutoff,interrupted,orunheard.Remember,thisisforfifteenminutes,notforever.

Sinceyouwillprobablyneedtobeatleastinseparateroomsforafewminutes,a

priordiscussionastowhatroomeachofyoumightwanttobeinisagoodidea.

Whereareyourcomputers,yourbooks,yourreadingchairs?Ifsomeonelikesto

listentomusicorwatchtelevision,areheadphonesneededtoprovidequietforthe

other?Ifsomeoneneedstogooutside,it’susefultoagreeonaphonecallwithin

twentyminutestocheckinandmakesureeverybody’sallright.

Somepeoplelike toagree onasafewordtocallatime-out;maybe time-out or

perhapsredormaybesomethingsillythatmighthelpdefusetheanger.

Ifyouhavekidsandtheyarehome,whowillberesponsibleforthem?Children

may get nervous or want reassurance when the adults fight, which is in no way

wrong.Buttheymightfeelneedyorclingyatatimewhenyou’dratherbefreeto

focusonyourownneeds.

Makeanagreementtohonoratime-outwithsilence.Tryingtogetinonemore

thoughtislikelytotriggeranotheradrenalinereleaseandprolongtheproblem.

You’ll want to talk these things over with your partner to plan your initial

practicetime-out.Thenlookforanoccasiontopractice.Trycallingatime-outover

anissuethatisonlyalittlebitdisturbing,justforpractice.

Whenyoufeelyourmostfamiliaruncomfortableemotionsflaringupandyou

recognizeyou’rebeing triggered—perhapsatthe levelofirritationorfrustration,

perhapsrageorgrief—callatime-out.Strongemotionsoftenappearveryfastand

can be hard to predict, so as soon as you remember the option when you start

beingfloodedwithfeelings,callatime-out.

Wrenchyourselvesoutoftheconversationandgotoyouragreed-uponplaces.

Do whatever you’ve thought might be calming and not retriggering. Take a few

deepbreathsandremembertoexhalethoroughly;reducingthecarbondioxidein

your lungs will help the adrenaline subside. We like activities that occupy the

mind—neitherofyourauthorshasmuchluckwithmeditatingwhenwe’refeeling

triggered;ifyoucandoit,goforit,butdon’tputyourselfdownifyoucan’tempty

your mind right now. We tend to turn to a novel or magazine, surfing the

Internet,solitaire,music,ormaybeanoldmovie.Trytosteerclearofthingsthat

createmoreadrenaline:becarefulof“shoot-’em-up”games,onlinearguments,or

music with violent lyrics. Some people do very well with dancing out anger to

raging hip-hop, while others find it too stimulating. You will learn from

experiencewhatworksforyou.

Youmightwanttowriteoutyourfeelings,ordrawthem.Thequalityoftheart

is irrelevant; this is for you. One of your authors has journal sessions that start

with frankly insane projections complete with terrible accusations and gradually

growintoaremarkablynonjudgmentalinvestigationofwhatsheandherpartner

werefightingabout,sometimesendingwithnewinsightsaboutwhatupsetherso

much.

Afterfifteenminutes,checkinwithyourself—areyoufeelingbetter?Yourtime-

outscouldtakelongerthefirstfewtimesuntilyoulearnwhatworksforyouand

gainsomeconfidenceinyourprocess.

Whenyouarereadytocomebacktogether,dosomethingeasyandcomforting.

Goforawalkinapark,getyourfavoritetakeout,cooksomethingtogether,watch

avideoinacompanionableway.Makeanappointmenttoresumethediscussion

thattriggeredthetime-out.

Theprocessofatime-outisseldomelegant,pretty,orevenremotelyresembling

okay. We need to take time-outs when we are emotionally overwhelmed and

definitely not at our best. Be ready to forgive each other for being human. Be

ready to forgive yourself. The results are well worth it when you come back

togetherreadyforharmonyandunderstanding.

I-Messages

Good communication begins with everybody talking about their feelings, long

before they get to discussing the pros and cons of any solutions. Good

communicationisbasedonidentifyingourfeelings,expressingthem,andgetting

validationthatourpartnerhearsandunderstandswhatwearesaying,whetheror

nottheyagree.Emotionsarenotopinions,theyarefacts—truthsaboutwhatpeople

areexperiencing.

Try speaking in sentences that begin with “I feel.” There is an enormous

difference between “you are making me feel so bad” and “I feel so bad.” The I-

messageisapurestatementoffeeling,andthereisnoaccusationinit.Whenyour

loversdon’tfeelattackedanddon’tneedtofeeldefensive,theyarefreetolistento

what you’re actually saying. Conversely, if your sentence starts with “you,” and

especiallywith“youalways,”yourpartnermaywellperceiveanattackandrespond

defensively.

“Emotions are not opinions, they are facts—truths about what people are

experiencing.”

Thewords “I feel”then needto be followed with anemotion—sad,mad, glad,

angry—or a physical feeling like queasy, tense, wound-up, shaky. Messages that

beginwith“Ifeelthat”moreoftenexpressabeliefthanafeeling,asin“Ifeelthat

weshouldnotbeenjoyingsomuchsex,”oracovertyou-message,like“Ifeelthat

youarecrazy.”Weareoftentemptedtodescribeouremotionsinwordsthatend

in“-ed,”asin“Ifeeljudged/attacked/betrayed.”Thisisacovertyou-message:“You

arejudging/attacking/betrayingme.”

Mostofusresentitwhenanotherpersontellsushowwefeel—whetherornot

theyarecorrect,itisaviolationofourboundarieswhenanotherpersonpresumes

totelluswhatourinnertruthis.Tryaskingarespectfulquestion.“Howareyou

feelingrightnow?I’mwonderingifyou’resad.”

Wecan’taskourloverstoholdstillwhileweslingaccusationsatthem,using

them as a target for our frustrations; that would be asking them to consent to

beingabused,andtheywouldberighttoresist.Butwecanaskthemtolistento

how we feel, because putting aside their own agendas for a few minutes and

listeningtoourfeelingsisadoabletask.TolearnhowtouseI-messages,trytalking

aboutanissuethatiscurrentforyouwithouteverusingthewordyou,andwithout

talking about what anyone else is doing but only about your own feelings. This

techniquetakesalittlepracticebutislessdifficultthanitmayseematfirst.

Whenit’syourturntolistentohowyourloverfeels,putyourselfinlistening

mode.Remember,feelingsliketobeheardandvalidated,sodon’tanalyzeortryto

explainthings.Justlisten,andyoumaybesurprisedtohearsomethingyoudidn’t

know. You can learn how the world looks from someone else’s shoes, you can

appreciatethatperson’sfeelings,andyoucanvalidatethatperson’spositionand

express understanding. Then the solutions can flow more freely and more

naturally. There are no wrong solutions and no right ones—only the agreements

thatfitwellwithhowweallfeel.

EXERCISE:FEELINGSDYAD

Thepurposeofthisexerciseistospeakaboutyourownfeelingsin

suchawaythatyourpartnercanhearyouandtolistencarefullyto

your partner’s feelings. Each person gets three minutes to speak

whiletheotherlistens.

Chooseatimewhenyouandyourpartner(s)canspendhalfan

hourorforty-fiveminuteswithnointerruptions.Choosewhowill

speakfirstandwhowilllisten.Setatimerforthreeminutes.

Feelingsliketobeheard.Sowhileyouarelistening,allyouare

goingtosayarethingsthatindicatelistening,like“Okay,”“Yes,”“I

hearyou,”and“Iunderstand.”

Read about I-messages, earlier in this chapter. Remember that

wecanaskourbelovedstolistentoustalkaboutourfeelingsand

howwearedoing.It’snotfairtoaskanyonetostandstillandbea

target for accusations and blame, so for this exercise, sentences

beginningwith“You”areoutofbounds.

Both of you should try to maintain eye contact during this

exercise.

Trythisasasafewaytotalkaboutjealousy;youcanuseitlater

todiscussanyemotionalsituations.Hereisascriptyoucanfollow:

Listener:“Aboutjealousy,whatwouldyouliketotellme?”

Speaker: “When I look inside, I find…” (speaking as long as is

comfortable).

Listener(throughout):“Yes.”“Ihearyou.”“Okay.”“Uh-huh.”(and

soon).

Listener(whenSpeakerstops):“Isthereanythingelseyou’dlike

totellmeaboutthat?”

Speaker(maycontinue,orsay):“No.I’mthroughfornow.”

Listener:“Thankyou.”

Listenerswilloftenfindthemselvesfullofideas,suggestions,and

soon,whichtheyneedtokeeptothemselves.Putyourownideas

aside forthese few minutes and payattentiontowhat it’slike to

just focus on listening. Because you may be full of responses to

whatyouhaveheard,wesuggestwaitingabitordoingsomething

elsebeforeswitchingroles.

These are intimate conversations. Show your appreciation to

yourpartnerforbeingbraveenoughtotalkaboutthesestruggles.

Hugsworkgreat.

HelpIsAvailable

You don’t have to do all this on your own—many wonderful books, classes,

workshops,andotherresources are available. It’s a good idea to put aside some

time and energy to learn about communication and to do it with the person

you’retryingtocommunicatewith.

Manyexcellentweekendworkshopsfocusoncommunicationforcouples;some

churchesofferweekend marriage retreats,andsome medical centers offer classes

forcouplesincommunicationandangermanagement.Workshopsandclassesare

worthattendingeveniftheydon’tspecificallyaddresssluttery.We’veneverknown

a couple who went to a communication or intimacy workshop and didn’t gain

some goodnewskills andinsightsfromit.Someworkshops existspecifically to

work on issues arising from nonmonogamy. Don’t hesitate to take these

workshops, and remember that the facilitator has expertise in creating safe

environments to explore highly charged issues. Many couples repeat these

workshopswhenanewissuehasarisenintheirlives.Weencourageyoutotakea

class or a workshop; if money is a problem, some workshops offer discounted

admissioninexchangeforhelpwithlogisticsandphysicaltasks.Justknowingthat

othersstrugglewithsomeofthesameissuesthatyoudocanhelp.

Support,ideas,andinformationcanalsobefoundthroughin-personandonline

groupsandtribes.Seechapter19,“MakingConnection,”forideasonhowtofind

these.

A more expensive but still excellent option is to do some sessions with a

couples’ counselor. In general, we recommend this as a second-level alternative,

after you’ve already done some classes and workshops, unless you have privacy

concernsthatmakeclassesandworkshopsdifficultforyou.

Screenanyoftheseresourcesaboutwhetherthey’llbeacceptingofyouropen

relationship.Someold-fashionedpsychologists,andtheleadersofsomeworkshops

and retreats, may believe that your lust for many people is a symptom of

psychologicaldisturbance;youmaynotfeeladequatelysupportedinsuchahostile

environment. If you need help finding a sympathetic therapist or group, try

askingyourfriendsorchecking“polyamorycounselors[nameofyourlocation]”

inyourfavoritesearchengine.Mosttherapistsnowhavewebsiteswheretheylist

theirskillsandexperienceandsomethingabouttheirphilosophy:youcanemail

them to ask what their experience is in working with relationships that are not

monogamous.

Westronglyrecommendthatyouinvestigatethesetypesofhelpsoonerrather

thanlater.Justabouteveryonecanuseanoccasionalcommunicationsskillstune-

up, and if you wait until your relationship is in crisis, you’ll face much harder

workthanifyou’dbeenpracticingyourskillsallalong.

TimeIsYourFriend

In some cultures it is customary to wait several minutes after a person speaks

before responding: it is rude and disrespectful to fail to think about what the

person has said, and to speak immediately would indicate that you have simply

beenwaitingforthespeakertobequietsothatyoucanthenattempttochangehis

orhermind.Werecommendtakingsometimebeforerespondingtoanyserious

communication, especially when it’s important to the speaker. Often, when you

deliberatelyslowdowncommunication,you’llhearsomethingnew.

Peoplefrequentlyapproachadisagreementasifitwereurgentthatitberesolved

right away. They strive for a resolution within minutes of discovering that they

don’tagreeaboutsomething—somethingthattheyhaveinfactneveragreedon.

Butyou’veprobablybeenlivingwiththatdisagreementforalongtime,anda

little while more is not going to make a lot of difference. Thus, consider this

strategy: acknowledge the disagreement, give each of you a chance to state your

feelingsusingtheprinciplesyou’velearnedinthischapter,andthentaketwodays

todigestwhatyou’velearned.

Whenyoureturntodiscussthedisagreement,youwillprobablybeinamuch

calmermode.Youmayhaveaclearerunderstandingofwhatisimportanttoyou

andanappreciationofwhatisimportanttoyourbelovedandwhy.Thusyoumay

find yourself in a much better state to negotiate a solution that might make

everyonehappy.

Or after two days, maybe it will have become so easy that you won’t need a

specialscripttocometoanagreement.Remember,whereemotionsareconcerned,

timeisyourfriend.

WritingItOut

Sometimesourfeelingsaresocomplicatedthatitseems impossibletodealwith

them in face-to-face conversation with our beloveds. Under such circumstances,

youmaywanttowriteathoughtfullettertoletyourhoneyknowtheentiretyof

yourconcernsinameasuredwaythatcanbeabsorbedandprocessedattheirown

pace.Thiscorrespondenceisn’tasubstituteforactualconversation,butitcanbea

goodprecursortoit,awaytoopenupthediscussionthatmayfeelabitsafer.

Itisvital,however,thatyousendthisletteronlyafteryou’vehadtimetothink

aboutit.Thedownsidetocorrespondenceisthatitcan’tconveyallthefinepoints

of communication—facial expression, body language, touch. The upside is, or

should be, that a letter can be composed carefully, without undue emotional

overload.Ifyouclick“Send”ordroptheenvelopeintothemailboxbeforeyou’ve

had a chance to think about its contents, you’re taking on all the downside

withoutanyoftheupside.

Start by writing a letter you’re not going to send, expressing all your feelings

and concerns. Janet keeps letters like this in the “Drafts” folder of her email

program; Dossie writes them in her word processing program and pastes them

intoanemaillater.Writeoutallyourfeelings,lettinggoofanyworriesabouthow

yourpartnermayrespondsoyoucanexpressyourselffully.Thenclosethefileand

godosomethingelse.Comebackandaddstuff(oreditthingsout)foracoupleof

days,andthencheck whatyou’vewritten,makingsureyou’re owningyourown

stuffandusingI-messages.Weusuallydeletesentencesthatbeginwiththewords,

“You shithead.” Later, when you can read the message and imagine your friend

trulyunderstandingwhateveryouaredisturbedabout,it’stimetosendit.

We hope we do not have to remind you that your blog or your social media

pageoryourprivateemaillistofafewdozenveryintimatefriendsisnottheplace

torehearsethisprivatecorrespondence.Strugglewithityourself—or,ifthatseems

impossible,perhapsyoucanrunitpastonetrustedfriend,someonewhowouldbe

acceptabletoyourloverstoo,tomakesureyou’resayingwhatyou’retryingtosay.

Dossiewrotesuchaletterrecentlytoaloverofhers.Shewrotethefirstdraftata

timewhenshewasterriblyupset,onaFriday.Shewasbusyovertheweekendbut

managedtorevisitherletterfromtimetotime.ByMonday,theissueswerestill

therebut,aftersomeprocessing,seemedmoremanageable,soshecalledherfriend

onthephoneandtheytalked…andresolvedtheissuesquiteeasilyandpeacefully.

Theletternevergotsent.

OwningWhat’sYours

Whenyouarewillingtoownyourdistress,itbecomespossibleforyourloverto

comfortyou,toofferyoureassuranceandlovewhenthingsarehard.Evenwhen

youdon’tagreeabouthowyouaregoingtohandleanissue,youcanstillexchange

love and comfort. We recommend that everyone be open about asking for

reassurance,love,hugs,comfort,andstufflikethat.Manyofusgrewupinfamilies

whereweweretaughtnottoaskforwhatweneededand,ifwedid,werescornedas

onlywantingattention.

“Whenyouarewillingtoownyourdistress,itbecomespossibleforyourloverto

comfortyou.”

So what’s wrong with wanting attention? Isn’t there plenty? Remember about

starvationeconomies:Don’tshortchangeyourself.Youdonothavetobecontent

with little dribs and drabs of comfort, attention, support, reassurance, and love.

Yougettohaveallyouwant.Youandyourintimatescansetyourselvesuptoshare

lotsandlotsandlotsand,intheprocess,learnhowmuchmoreyouhavetoshare

thanyoueverthought.Sofocusonabundance,andcreatearelationshipecology

richinthegoodthingsoflife:warmthandaffectionandsexandlove.

MAKINGAGREEMENTS

Most successful relationships, from casual acquaintanceship through lifetime

monogamy, are based on assumptions that are really unstated agreements about

behavior:youdon’tkissyourmailman,youdon’ttipyourmother.Thesearethe

unspokenruleswelearn very early in ourlives fromour parents,ourplaymates,

andourcultures.Peoplewhobreaktheseunspokenrulesareoftenconsideredodd,

sometimes even crazy, because the values and judgments behind the social

agreementsabouthowwerelatetooneanotheraresodeeplyingrainedthatweare

usuallynotevenawarethatwehavemadeanyagreementatall.

In many day-to-day relationships, like your relationships with neighbors and

coworkers, it’s probably fine to rely on those implicit, built-in agreements. But

when you’re trying something as complicated and unprecedented as ethical

sluthood,wethinkit’sveryimportanttotakenothingforgranted.Talkwiththe

people in your life about your agreements, and negotiate the conditions,

environments, and behaviors that will get your own needs met and respect

everybody’sboundaries.

You’ll often hear people talking about the rules of their relationships. But

“rules”impliesacertainrigidity,thatthereisarightwayandawrongwaytorun

your relationship and that there will be penalties if you do it wrong. We

understandthattherearemanydifferentwaysthatpeoplemaychoosetorelateto

each other, so we prefer to use the word agreements to describe mutually agreed-

upon,consciousdecisions,flexibleenoughtoaccommodateindividuality,growth,

and change. These agreements are sometimes a little fuzzy, particularly if you’re

used to the hard edges of rules. A little fuzziness is okay: your agreement will

eithergetclarifiedlaterifitneedstobe—oritwon’t,inwhichcaseit’sprobably

clearenough.

How do youknow when youneedanagreement?Youcantellbylistening to

youremotions.Ifsomethingcomesup thatleaves youfeeling upset orangryor

invisibleorwhatever,that’sanareainwhichyouandyoursweetiemayneedto

discussmakinganagreement.Wesuggestthatyouletgorightnowoftheideathat

youcanpredict everysinglesituation thatmightcome upin yourrelationships

andmakearuletocoverit.Manyperfectlygoodagreementsgetmadebytwenty-

twentyhindsight:aproblemcomesup,and,insteadofarguingoverwhosefaultit

was,thepeopleinvolvedsimplymakeanagreementtotrytopreventthatproblem

fromcomingupagainortodealwithitwhenitdoes.

OurfriendsLaurieandChrisbecameextraordinarilyflexibleagreementmakers

throughpracticingalot:

WemetattheRenaissanceFaireandconnectedrightaway.Althoughwedidn’t

feelreadytojumpintomarriagerightoff,wedidgethandfasted[anancient

Celticriteofromanticcommitment]aboutfivemonthsafterwemet.Our

handfastingincludedanagreementthatifwestillwantedtobetogetherayear

andadaylater,we’dgetmarried.Andwedid.

Whenwefirstdecidedtogethandfasted,Chrisproposedanagreementin

whichwe’dbefreetobesexualwithotherpeopleduringFairebutatnoother

time.Lauriefeltshockedbyhisdesiretodothisandinsecureaboutwhatmight

happen.Sowedecidedtopostponeadecisionuntilthenextsummer’sFaire,

afterwe’dgottenmarried.

Duringthefirstyearofourmarriage,theagreementwasforFaireonly,and

thenafterthatweextendedittotheweekendpreparatoryworkshopsaswellas

toFaireitself.Atoneofthese,Lauriemetaguywithwhomshegotfairly

seriouslyinvolved—itwasourfirstongoingrelationshipoutsidethemarriage.At

thatpoint,thingsopenedupallthewaytowhereLauriewasspendingalotof

hertimewithherotherlover,andChrisdidn’tlikeitmuch;hefeltthathewasn’t

gettingenoughtimewithLaurie.

Sowerenegotiated.Wedecidedthateitherofuscouldsleepoverwith

anotherpartnertwiceamonth.Wefeltthattwiceamonthwasoftenenough

forfunbutnotsooftenastoencourageathreateninglystrongbondwith

someoneelse.That’sbeenworkingprettywellforawhile,althoughwe’ve

compromisedonacase-by-casebasisatimeortwo.

We’restillworkingoutthebugs—amongotherthings,we’rehopingto

becomeparentsprettysoon,andwe’renotsurehowababywillaffectour

relationship.Butouragreementshavealwaysbeenatleasttolerable,andat

timesthey’veofferedareliefvalvethat’skeptusfromfleeingtherelationshipin

terror!

Inthetwentyyearssincethisinterview,LaurieandChris’schildrenhavegrown

intoteenagerhood,andthetwoofthemarestilltogetherandstillhappilyslutty.

Consent

Sowhatconstitutesagoodagreement?Inouropinion,thesinglemostimportant

hallmarkofagreementisconsent,whichwedefineasanactivecollaborationforthe

pleasureandwell-beingofallconcerned.Inthecaseofpolyamory,thismeansthat

weconsiderthefeelingsofpeoplenotdirectlyinvolved—otherpartners,children,

andotherpeoplewhoselivesareaffectedbyouragreements—andobtainconsent

whennecessary.

We want to remind you that there is absolutely no way to make a list of

agreements that will cover every contingency and are so clear they can never be

misunderstood.Whendifficultiesarise,werecommendspendingaslittletimeas

possible trying to figure out what went wrong. Instead, invest your energy in

figuringoutwhatyou’regoingtodonext.

“Wedefineconsentasanactivecollaborationforthepleasureandwell-beingof

allconcerned.”

Definingconsentcansometimesbetricky.Ifsomeoneconsentsunderpressure,

we don’t think that meets the “active collaboration” criterion. And you can’t

consenttosomethingyoudon’tknowabout:“Well,youdidn’tsayIcouldn’tflyto

Boise for two weeks with this flight attendant I just met” does not constitute

consent.

To achieve this kind of active consent, everyone involved must accept

responsibilityforknowingtheirownfeelingsandcommunicatingthem—butthis

isn’t always easy. Sometimes feelings don’t want to be pulled to the surface and

examined; you may simply know that you feel bad. Give yourself the time and

supportyouneedtogettoknowthatfeeling,perhapsusingsomeofthestrategies

wediscussinchapter15,“RoadmapsthroughJealousy.”Ifyoufeelyouneedhelp

in defining what’s going on for you, it’s okay to ask for that help, possibly by

asking a partner or a friend who understands multiple relationships to devote

sometimetohearingyouout.Physicalorverbalreassuranceoftenmakesahuge

difference,andsometimesawisefriendortherapistcanasktherightquestionsto

help you untangle a complicated feeling. Once you start listening to your own

feelings,you’llhaveamucheasiertimegettingyourneedsanddesiresoutthere

whereeverybodycanhearthemandmakeagreementstohelpmeetthem.

Manyofusneedsomesupportinaskingforwhatwewant.Weneedtofeelsure

thattheneedswerevealwillnotbeheldagainstus.Wemayfeelprettyvulnerable

in and around our emotional limits, so it’s important to recognize that these

limitsarevalid:“Ineedtofeelloved,”“IneedtofeelthatI’mimportanttoyou,”

“Ineedtoknowthatyoufindmeattractive,”“Ineedyoutolistenandcareabout

mewhenIfeelhurt.”

Blaming, manipulation, bullying, and moral condemnation do not belong in

the agreement-making process. The process of making a good agreement must

includeacommitmentfromallconcernedtolistentooneanother’sconcernsand

feelings in an open-minded and unprejudiced way. If you are waiting for your

partner to reveal a weakness so that you can exploit it as ammunition to “win”

yourargument,youarenotreadytomakeasatisfactoryagreement.

Legalistic hairsplitting is another enemy of good agreements. We know one

couple whose agreement was that either of them would let the other one know

withintwenty-fourhoursiftheyweregoingtohavesexwithsomeoneelse.Oneof

themcalledtheotheronefromanothercitytoletherknowthathe’dhadsexthe

night before. “But you said you’d give me twenty-four hours’ notice!” she cried

angrily. “I never said twenty-four hours before,” he pointed out. This loophole-

findinglegalisticbehaviorleftneitherindividualfeelingthattheiragreementhad

workedforthem.Themoral:beclear,bespecific,andaboveall,negotiateingood

faith;thisisnotaboutcheatinganymore.

Agreementsneedtoberealisticandclearlydefined—ifyou’renotsurewhether

you’re keeping an agreement, it may be time to redefine that agreement. It is

unrealistic, for example, to ask your partners never to enter into sexual

interactions with people that they care about “too much.” There is no way to

define“toomuch,”andfewofusconceiveofoursluttyutopiaasaworldinwhich

youareonlyallowedtosharesexwithpeopleyoudon’tcareaboutatall.Noneof

uscantruthfullyagreetofeelonlythiswayorthatway:ouragreementsneedto

have room in them for real emotions, whatever they may be. A more concrete

agreementwouldbetolimitoutsidedatestoonceamonth,whichmightservethe

samepurpose.

Agreementsdonothavetobeequal.Peoplearedifferentandunique,andwhat

pushesmybuttonsmightbeperfectlyokaywithyou.Soonepartnermaywantto

hearallthe graphicdetailsabout whatasweetie doeswiththeir other lover—but

whenthetablesareturned,thesweetiewantsnomoredetailabouttheirpartner’s

outside engagements than absolutely necessary. One person might find it very

important that their partner not stay out overnight, whereas said partner might

actuallyenjoyanoccasionalopportunitytowatchthelatemovieallaloneandeat

crackersinbed.

Onefriendofourssays:

BillandIhaveverydifferentneedswhenitcomestorelationships.Ifeelnoneed

tobemonogamous;I’mquitecomfortablehavingsexwithpeopleIlike,but

they’renotaffairsoftheheart—whereashissexualconnectionsareeithervery

casual,likeatparties,orverydeepandlongterm.We’veformedagreements

thatmeetbothourneeds—mineforfriendlypartners,hisforlong-term

secondaryrelationships.

When thinking about agreements for an open relationship, most people start

outbylistingwhattheirpartnershouldn’tdo:don’tkissheronthemouth,don’t

treathimbetterthanyoudome.Some“thoushaltnots”arenecessary:agreements

needtobemade,forexample,aboutsexualconnectionswithrelatives,neighbors,

and coworkers. But many negative agreements are really about protecting your

partner from feeling hurt or jealous; we’re not big fans of these, although we

recognizethattheysometimeshavetheirplaceasanintermediatestep.Wethink

thatthebestagreementstoprotectyourpartnerfromemotionalpainarepositive

ratherthanrestrictive:let’s have aspecial datenextweekend, I will findtimeto

listentoyouwhenyouhurt,I’lltellyouhowmuchIloveyouagainandagain.

“Fairnessmeanswecareabouthoweachpersonfeelsandmakeagreementsto

helpallofusfeelasgoodaspossible.”

Everyoneneedsasenseofemotionalsafetytosucceedatfeelingsecureinopen

relationships, but thinking up agreements that will help both partners feel

emotionallysafecanbeconfusing.Intheprocessofunlearningjealousywewillall

atsometimebeaskingourpartnerstotakesomerisk,toagreetofeelsomepainful

feelings, to fall down a few times to learn how to ride the emotional bicycle of

trulyfreelove.

EXERCISE:EIGHTSTEPSTOWIN-WINCONFLICTRESOLUTION

1. Taketimeouttoventilateanger.

2. Selectoneissuetoworkon.

3. Makeanappointmenttotalk.

4. Takethreeminuteseachtostatehowyoufeelwhileyourpartner

listens.Hint:UseI-statements,avoidyou-messages,andconsider

allowingsometimeandachangeofactivitiesbetweeneach

person’sstatement,soyoucanrefocusawayfromwhatever

responsestoyourpartneryou’vethoughtupandtalkaboutyour

ownissues.Tryashardasyoucantodescribeyouremotions

abouttheissue.

5. Brainstorm.Writealistofallpossiblesolutions,evensillyones.

6. Editthelist.Crossoutanysuggestionsthateitherpersonfeelsthey

couldnotlivewith.

7. Chooseasolutiontotryforaspecificperiodoftime—perhapstwo

tofourweeks.

8. Reevaluatewhenthattimeisup.

One way you can make agreements to respect emotional limits is to ask for

whatevermightmakeyoufeelalittlebitsafer—reassurance,compliments,affection,

aspecialritualforhomecomingafteradate—andthenwhenthatworksandyou

feelalittlesafer,takeanothersteptowardevenmoresafety,andsoonyouwillfeel

safeenoughtoexpandyourexplorationsfurtherandfurther.Eachtinystepinthe

directionoffreedom willeventuallygetyou there.Oneofthe thingsthatworks

about reassurance is that once we understand that our partner or partners, or

maybe even their partners, are willing to help us with our feelings, we feel more

secureandneedlessprotectionaswegoalong.

The single most important thing to remember is that the purpose of an

agreementistofindawayinwhicheverybodycanwin.

MakingSpaceforDifference

Youandyour sweetie might have different visions aboutwhatyour relationship

willbe.Foroneperson,itcouldbealotofrecreationalsex,one-nightstands,or

party play; another might yearn for one primary and one special secondary

relationship.Somepeopleenjoymanyrelationshipsthatmakeextendedfamilies

outoftheirloversandtheirlovers’lovers;otherslookforathree-orfour-person

groupmarriage.

Negotiating difference, however, can be done and is being done successfully

every day. So what if one person wants BDSM or tantra or wild orgies, and the

otherwantswalksonthebeachatsunset?Onceyou’veopenedyourrelationshipto

other people who may be more accepting of those desires, anything is possible.

Agreements may be asymmetrical to account for different desires and different

feelings, and each individual may need a different kind of reassurance: the

relationship-lover may feel shy and unhip, the party animal may feel judged or

threatened by long-term partners, and each needs to have their own feelings

validatedandcaredfor.

SomeAgreements

We’ve done some asking around among our friends and colleagues to find out

whatkindsofrelationshipagreementshaveworkedforothers.Hereisapartiallist

ofagreementswe’veheardfromsomeverysuccessfulsluts.

Noticeasyoureadithowmanydifferentkindsofagreementsitcontains—some

are sexual, some are relationship-oriented; some are thou-shalts and some thou-

shalt-nots;somearelogisticalandsomesentimental.Justsoyouknowthatwe’re

not recommending any of these, you should also note that some are mutually

exclusive.We’representingthislistasadiscussionopener,notashowitoughtto

be. However, everybody has to make some agreements about sexual health and

safersex.

•Wealwaysspendthenighttogetherexceptwhenoneofusistraveling.

•We’lltaketurnswatchingeveryone’skidsontheweekend.

•Neither/noneofuswill[specificsexualact]withotherpartners.

•Wealwaysprovideadvancenoticeofpotentialotherpartners.

•Don’ttellme/usaboutotherpartners.

•Tellme/useverythingyoudidwithotherpartners.

•Otherpartnersmustbe[specificgender].

•Newpartnersmeeteveryoneinvolved.

•Sexbeyondourcouple/groupwillonlybe:groupsex/partysex/anonymous

sex/committedsex….

•Wewillcheckintoconfirmsafetyafteraget-togetherwithanewpartner.

•Everybodychipsinforthebabysitter.

•Besuretosavesomehotsexualenergyforme/us.

•Nosexwithotherpartnersinourbed/house.

•Wesetlimitsonphonecalls,Internettime,andsoon,withotherpartners.

•Weestablishqualitytimewithoneanother.

•Wedon’ttakeofftheringsthatsymbolizeourrelationship.

•Wemustreachagreementsaboutwhoistooclosetohavesexwith:

neighbors,coworkers,closefriends,formerlovers,yourdoctor,your

partner’stherapist?…

•We’llspendanhourcuddlingandreconnectingafterward.

Predictability

Ourexperienceisthatmostpeopleweknowneedsomekindofpredictabilityto

dealwiththestressesofopenrelationships:it’seasiertohandleanervous-making

situationifyouknowwhenitisgoingtohappenandwhenitisgoingtobeover.

Youcanplantodosomethingsupportivewithafriend,gotoamovie,visitMom,

whatever—andtellyourselfthatyouonlyhavetohandlethingsforthischunkof

time,andthenyoursweetiewillcomebackandmaybeyoucanplanacelebratory

reunion.

Mostpeoplehaveahardtimedealing with surprises,whichcanfeellikeland

minesexploding.Veryfewofuswouldbecomfortablelivingwiththepossibility

thatourpartnermightgohomewithsomeoneelseatanytime,fromanypartywe

goto,fromtherestaurantwherewethoughtwewerejustgoingforacupofcoffee

—no place, no time we could count on. One partner of our acquaintance was

working across the country from his spouse during a time when he was first

struggling to deal with his jealousy. He made an agreement to know when his

partnerwasplayingwithsomeoneelsebecause,asheputit,“IfIknowwhenthey

areoutwithsomeoneelse,Ialsoknowwhentheyaren’t,andthenIcanrelaxmost

ofthetime.”

If you feel that planning takes too much of the spontaneity out of your life,

thenthinkaboutdeclaringonenightoroneweekendamonthtobeopenseason—

thenyoucanmakeadecisionwhethertojoinyourpartnersincruisingorsitthis

oneoutinaquietermilieu.Anagreementtobeunpredictableatsomespecified

timeis,afterall,predictable.

WhatIstheEmotionalCost?

Onewaytothinkaboutpossibleagreementsistoconsiderthepotentialemotional

cost to each person involved. We’ve already talked about some of the emotions

youmayencounterasyouandyourpartnersbegintoexplore;yourcostiswhat

you risk feeling that might be difficult or painful. A conversation about each

person’s“emotionalcost”canclearalotoffoggyairandclarifywhat’sgettingin

thewayofmakinganagreementthatfeelsstuck.Oneagreementmightbesimply

tohavethisconversationwhencertainissuesareinplay:manyemotionscanbe

satisfiedsimplybylisteningtothem.

If you imagine little to no emotional cost in whatever agreement you’re

contemplating,maybeit’stimetotrychallengingyourselfabitmore.(Ormaybe

you’rejustabrilliantlytalentedslutwhoneverhasemotionaldifficultywithany

ofyourpartnershavinganykindofconnectionwithanyoneelse,inwhichcase

we’relookingforwardtoreadingyourbook.)Ontheotherhand,iftheemotional

costseemssogreatthatyoucan’timaginemanagingitatthesametimeasyourun

therestofyourlife,youmayhaveoverestimatedyourabilitythistime:consider

negotiatinganagreementthatfeelsalittlebiteasier.

OnVetoPower

Inmakingthedecisiontoopenuptonewpartners,oneofthestepsmanypeople

inclosedrelationshipstakeistotry“vetopower”—whereanexistingpartnerhas

therightto“veto”theirpartner’soutsidesexualorromanticconnections.

Basic slut ethics should not allow you to abuse veto power to prevent your

partnerfromhavingsexwithanyoneatallbyvetoingeverybody—astrategythat

may seem tempting, because until you unlearn jealousy,all outside engagements

canlook very threatening.Sometimesyouneedtogather upyourstrength,face

downyourfears,andunlearnbydoing.Andsometimes,whenyoudo,itmightbe

easier than you thought it would be, and what you might learn is that you are

strongerandmoresureofyourselfandyourlovethanyouthoughtyouwere.

Nevertheless, we recognize that veto power can be reassuring when you’re

makingyourfirststepsintoamoreopenrelationshipstructure.Butweencourage

youtothinkaboutwhatthatreassuranceactuallymeans.

Vetopowersays,“IfyouproposeapartnerIdon’tfeelcomfortablewith,Ican

tell you so, and you’ll abandon your relationship with that person.” But what

happensiftheproposingpartnerdecidesneverthelesstopursuetheirrelationship

withthevetoedperson?Well,weguessthevetoerhastwochoices:theycaneither

suckitupandkeepgoing(usuallyaftersomeverypainfulconflict)orwalkaway

fromtherelationship.

Which—surprise!—is exactly the same choice everyone faces when an outside

partner comesintoarelationship, whether ornotit’s by mutualagreement.For

thatmatter,thisisthefundamentalchoiceatstakewhenanykindofrelationship

conflictarises:thedecisionofwhethertodothehardworkofstickingaroundor

theequallyhard(althoughdifferent)workofleaving.Sowhatisyourvetopower

actuallygivingyouthatyoudon’talreadyhave?

Ifagreeingtovetopowerincreasesyoursenseofsecurityduringtheearlydays

ofopeningyourrelationships,that’sfine.Butwesuspectthatifyoudecidetodrop

theformalvetopowerandmovetowardamorefluidprocessofacceptingoutside

partners, you’ll notice very little difference in the way your relationship actually

works—unless,ofcourse,itactuallyworksbetter.

WhenThereIsNoAgreement

There are probably a lot of issues in your life about which you feel no need to

reachagreement.Everyonedealswithdifferencesinrelationshipsallthetime,as

any night person married to a morning person can tell you. However, lack of

agreement can feel less comfortable in the close-to-the-bone field of sexual

relationships.Whenfeelingsrunhigh,particularlyaboutsexualissues,it’seasyto

wanttobelievethatyourwayisrightandthatallotherwaysarewrong.

Onewaytoavoidthetrapofturningadifferenceintoamoralargumentisto

lookcarefullyatownership:whoownswhatinthisdisagreementanyway?Whatis

A’sinvestmentinthisparticularchoice,howisB feeling differentaboutit,and

whatareweafraidmighthappenifwecan’tagree?Trytogetreallyclearonhow

eachpersonfeelsbeforeyoueventhinkaboutwhatyouwanttodo.

It can help to remember that you have been living with differences and

disagreements with everyone in your life ever since you met them. When you

discoverasexualdifferencewithoneperson,ithasprobablybeenthereallalong.

Rememberthatyou’vebeengettingalongfinewithoutthisparticularagreement—

ifyou’vemadeitthisfar,youcanlivewiththelackofagreementalittlelonger.

Lettimebeyourfriend.Whendifferenceisdifficult,allowyourselvesthetimeto

thoroughlyexplorethefeelingsthataredrivingthedisagreementandarrangeto

leadarewardinglifewhileyouexplore.Youreallycanagreetodisagree.Between

the“yes”offullagreementandthe“no”offulldisagreementisawholebiggray

area of “no-agreement-yet,” “tolerable-disagreement,” or even “who-cares?”

Sometimesyouwill eventually findit possibleto makean agreement,andother

timesyouwon’t.

Occasionally, however, you will hit an area in which agreement is both

necessary and impossible. For many people, the whole issue of nonmonogamy

may be one of these; childbearing is another frequent point of contention. We

suggestflexibilityandcompromiseseeking,possiblywiththehelpofaqualified

therapist.

Butifagreementsimplycannotbereached,wethinktheskillsyoulearnedin

tryingtoreach agreementcancomein very handy asyou practicenotblaming,

not judging, and not manipulating, as you work to change or even end a

relationshipthatcannotreconcileitsdifferences.

Somepeopleagreetoendarelationshipandthendiscoverthatlateron,when

thestressofpartinghaseased,theycanagreeonanewkindofrelationshipwith

the same person. Others cannot. But either way, forthright and openhearted

discussionofdisagreementsandagreementswillleadtoacleanerandlessstressful

outcome.

ReachingAgreement

So how do you find an agreement that will work for everyone? A good place to

startisbydefiningyourgoals.Agoalisnotthesameasanagreement:yourgoalis

whatyou’retryingtoaccomplish,andyouragreementisthemeansyou’reusingto

trytogetthere.Forexample,ifyourgoalistopreventanyonefromfeelingtaken

advantage of, your agreement might be to ensure that nobody’s personal time,

space, or belongings are being infringed on. So start with getting clear on what

feelslikeinfringementtoeachpersoninvolvedandusethatforyourguidelines.

Often you will discover a goal by tripping over a problem: “Last night, when

youandSamwereinourbedroomtogether,myfeetwerefreezingandIcouldn’t

getintheretogetmybedroomslippers.”Thegoalistopreventthisproblemfrom

coming up again—what kinds of agreements might help achieve that goal?

Answeringthesequestionswillrequireanhonest(andoftendifficult)lookatwhat

therealproblemis:isitthatyourfeetarecoldorthatyouresentbeingkickedout

ofyourownbedroomorthatyou’refeelingleftout?

Onceyou’vedefinedyourproblemandyourgoal,it’stimetostartfiguringout

agoodagreement.Itmightbeappropriatetodoatrialagreement,toputatime

limitation(aweekend,aweek,amonth,ayear)onyournewbornagreementtosee

howitfeelstoeverybodyconcerned.Afterthetimeisup,youcansitdownagain

todiscusswhatworked,whatdidn’t,andwhethertocontinueyouragreementor

reviseitorscrapit.

Inourexperience,it’srareforanagreementtolastalifetimewithoutchange:

human beings change, and so do agreements. The way you can tell that your

agreement needs to change is when someone doesn’t agree to it anymore. Janet

andoneofherpartners,forexample,begantheirrelationshipwithanagreement

thattheycouldbesexualwithotherpeople,butthattheycouldn’tfallinlovewith

anyoneelse.Thenoneofthemdid.(Inhindsight,Janetadmits,thisseemslikea

fairlysillyagreement—asthoughyoucouldsimplydecidenottofallinlove!)She

remembers:

Therewasaperiodinwhichwewerehaving“check-ins”oneortwotimesaday.

Thiswasasituationneitherofushadeverplannedon.Wefounditwasvery

importanttostayinthemomentandtostaywithtangiblethings—yes,itfeels

okayifshesleepsoverwhileI’moutoftown;no,itdoesn’tfeelrightforyouto

bringthetwoofustothesameparty.Wefound,duringthatexperienceaswell

assimilaronesthatcamelater,thatthewords“inlovewith”madeusbothfeel

kindofpanicky—thatagreementsthatdweltonmeasurablefactorssuchas

time,behavior,andspaceworkedbetterforus.

Expect to try out some agreements and find out that they don’t work, and

expecttoneedtochangethem.Youwillgetbetteratthisprocesswithpractice,and

intimeyoumayknowyourownandyourpartner’sneedssowellthatnegotiating

agreements will be easy. But in the beginning, while you are learning, tidiness

won’tcountanywherenearasmuchastolerance.

When you first set out, some of these discussions may get quite heated:

remember,angerisanemotionthattells youwhatisimportanttoyou.Whatis

constructiveaboutthesedifficulttimesiswhatyoulearnaboutyourpartnersand

aboutyourself.

Rememberthattherearemanygoodwaystostructureyoursluttery.Structureis

notwhatmakesyousafefromhardfeelings—yourabilitytotakecareofyourselfis

what counts. So whatever structure you choose, hold it fairly loosely. Your

agreementsarenottakingcareofyou;youare.

Don’tgetdiscouraged—allthesuccessfulslutsyouseewhoseemsocarefreehave

foughtovertheiragreements.Youtoocanworkyourwaythroughthistangledweb

ofassumptionsandemotionsandlearntolovewithopennessandfreedom.

“Youragreementsarenottakingcareofyou;youare.”

OPENINGANEXISTINGRELATIONSHIP

Manypeoplecometoatimewhentheywanttoopentheirrelationshiptomore

sexual partners. But when your relationship was established under conventional

monogamousagreements,youcan’texpecttoproclaim“OpenSesame!”andhave

everything fall magically into place. Like everything else about ethical sluthood,

openinganexistingrelationshiprequirescare,thought,practice,andwork.

Therelationshipthatyouwanttoopenmayormaynotbealifepartnership;

you may or may not be living together. You might have been practicing serial

monogamy, with the usual occasional overlap. Or you may be keeping all your

loverscompartmentalized,andwanttomovetowardsomethingmorelikeafamily

ortribe.Youmaybelookingforadventuresoutsideofatriadoragroupmarriage.

Theworkofopeningisstillwork,nomatterthenatureofyourrelationship.

TurningSomeintoMore

Ifyouandyourloversarebeginningthisworkwithequalagreementthatyouall

wanttocreatethisexpansivenessinyourlives,thencongratulationsandwelcome

to the path. You will probably encounter some unexpected disagreements about

thewaythisnewlifewilllook—soyoustilldon’tgettoskipthischapter.

Inourexperience,though,it’smuchmorecommonthatonepersonwantsto

openthedoortooutsideconnectionsandanotherhasn’teverevenconsideredit

and is appalled by the idea. This situation is definitely more difficult, especially

when an outside partner—potential or actual, open or secret—is waiting in the

wingsandprobablycaresalotabouttheoutcomeofthisprocess.Alotofpeople

don’treallythinkaboutmonogamyuntiltheymakeaconnectionwithsomeone

whofeelsimportanttothemandtheydon’twanttogiveuptheirbelovedorgeta

divorceorsplitupthekids.Youcouldbeinanyoftheseroles:theonewiththe

lustforadventure,thenewlovewhoisnotapartner,andthesometimesstunned

partnertothewould-beadventurer.

In physics, the triangle is considered one of the most structurally sound and

well-balanced structures—but in relationships, the very phrase “love triangle”

carriesawhiffoftabloiddrama.Thisparticularsituationisnotmadeanyeasierby

the fact thatit’sbeen happeningforaslongas therehave been relationships.It

canhelptorememberthatitisutterlynormaltohavedifferencesindesireinany

relationship—you don’t need to both get excited about the same flavor of ice

cream.Makingroomforeveryone’sdesirescanworkforallconcerned—we know

manypeoplewhohavedoneso,reachingaccommodationsthatworkforeveryone

involved.Let’slookatthedilemmafromthreedifferentpointsofview.

TheAdventurousLover

Theadvantageofbeinginthispositionisthatyouknow,moreorless,whatyou

want.Perhapsyouboughtthisbookforapartner,hopingforsomefreedomdown

the road and wishing fervently for some way to reach agreement without going

throughawholelotofagony.However,youandyourbelovedare,likeallofus,

productsofourculture,andittakeshardworktostepoutoftheparadigmupon

whichyourentirepreviousexistencewasbased—goodwork,rewardingwork,life-

changingwork,butstillhardwork.

Guiltisoneofthemostuncomfortableemotionswecanfeel.Mostpeoplefeel

guiltywhensomethingtheydocausespaintothepeopletheycareabout.When

youplaceyourdesireforanopenrelationshiponthetableandsomeoneyoulove

hasahardtimewithit,youwillprobablyfeelveryguilty.

You can’t wave a magic wand and change another person’s mind—that’s the

hardworkwemusteachdoforourselves.Itwillhurt.Theremaybetearsandrage

andbitterness,andyouwillfeelguilty.

Libertinesareportrayedinfictionascarefreeexplorers—andalsoheartlessand

freeofcareforanypaintheymayleaveintheirwake.Wedon’tbelievethatyou

want your freedom at the cost of becoming a callous jerk. If you have invited

peopleyoucareaboutintothisexploration,thatmeans youdon’twanttocheat

but to live your life honestly and honorably. We respect you for that. A lot of

otherpeoplewon’t.

TheOutsideLover

Wedon’tevenknowwhattocallyou,whichmakesithardtotalktoyouandmay

makeithardforyoutothinkaboutyoursituation.Yourrole—apotentiallyloving,

giving individual who’s sexually involved with one or more members of a

committed relationship—is so distant from most people’s conceptual framework

that a nonloaded word for you does not exist: “homewrecker,” “mistress,” “the

otherwoman”?(Thereisn’tevenaphrasefor“theotherman,”inspiteofthefact

that many such men exist.) More civilized, but often equally problematic, are

conceptslike“secondary”or“tertiary”:thislanguagedoesdefinethesituation,but

wethinktheimpliedhierarchycanbedemeaning.Doyouonlycountwhenyou

arenumberone?Ordoeseverybodyhaverightsinthisconstellation?

Whetheryouarethesweetie,thesqueeze,thelover,orwhatever,yourposition

in the constellation comes with advantages and disadvantages. On the positive

side, most of your time with your lover can be spent having fun. You are not

expectedtosupportyourlover,nortogiveupyourcareertostayhomewiththe

kids.Onthedownside,whodoyoucallwhenyouneedaridetotheemergency

room?Whodoyoucallwhenyouaresadorwhenyouneedsupport?Doyouhave

anyrightsatalltoyourbeloved’stime,oristheresomebodywhoseesyouasthe

competition,withwhomyoumayneverspeakornegotiate?Whileyourposition

conveysfewresponsibilities,itoftenalsocarriesveryfewrights.

TheOneWhoChoseNoneofThis

Wereallyhopeyoudidn’tgetthisbookasaValentine’sDaysurprise,butweknow

thatcouldbethecase.Itisnofuntobecalledupontoexpandyourrelationshipin

waysyouneveraskedfor,nortodealwithyourbeloved’sdesiresforotherlovers

afterthey’dpromisedtoforsakeallothers.Youmaybefeelinglikeyou’vehadan

abyssopenupunderyourfeet,withnosolidgroundanywheretostandon.

Ofcourseyouaredistressed, andangryaswell—youdidnotchoosethispath.

Yethereyouare,inamaelstromofscaryfeelingsyouneveragreedtoexperience.

Itmaytakeawhileforyoutogetthatthisisreallyhappening.Eventually,though,

thissituationmustbedealtwith:oncethesubjectofopeningarelationshipison

thetable,itcannotbeshutawayinadraweragain.Onewayoranother,youmust

findaway tocope withwhat’s been handedtoyouandbegin considering what

mayhappennext.

Itisunfair,ofcourse,thatyou’rebeingaskedtodohardemotionalworkthat

youneverchosetodo.Isthereanyreasonwhyyoushouldhavetoworksohard?

Isthereanythinginitforyou?

Well,quitepossiblythereis.Perhapsthisworkwillmakeyoustronger.Perhaps

you will make an unexpected journey into your own capacities: maybe you too

have the ability to love more than one person. Perhaps it will improve your

communication skills and deepen your relationship. Perhaps learning that your

belovedwillstillcomehometoyouafteranadventurewillendupmakingyoufeel

more secure. Perhaps it will free you from traditional views of relationship as

ownership,openingnewhorizonsforconnecting.Perhapsitwillgiveyoumuch-

neededpersonaltime.Perhapsitwillimproveyoursexlife.Perhapsyoucanseea

faintgleamofapossiblefreedomsomewhereonthehorizon.

Wecan’tpromisethatanyofthesewillhappenforyou.Butthere’sonething

wecanpromise.Ifyoutacklethisdifficultsituation,andlearnwhateveryoucan

about yourself and your relationship from it, at the end of it, you will have a

choice. You may choose to separate, or you and your partner may choose to go

backtomonogamy,oryoumaytryamoreopenrelationship…butwhateveryou

do, it will be because you’re looking at all your possibilities and choosing —not

reactingblindly,notdoingwhatyou’vebeentold,notchoosingtheeasywayjust

becauseit’seasy,butmakingyourown,informed,heartfeltchoice.

Laterinthischapter,we’llgiveyousomeideasaboutwaystokeepthisdifficult

negotiation as productive aspossible.Butfirstwewanttotalk aboutasituation

thatweknowsomeofourreadersareconfronting.

Cheating

Sometimestherelationshipisalreadyopen,kindof,onlysomeonedoesn’tknow

ityet.Thissituationcanbeveryhardtodealwith,butitdoeshappen,andoften.

Discovering that you have been and are currently being cheated on can be

awful.Feelingsofshame,betrayal,andlosttrustarefrequentconsequences.Many

peopleinthispositionareplaguedwithquestions:“AmInotdesirable?”“What

did I do wrong?” All these feelings are legitimate, and we don’t believe you did

anythingwrongbeyondacceptingthestoriesyougrewuponaboutwhat“happily

everafter”issupposedtomean.

Itcanhelptorememberthatacheatingspousewhowantstoopenupaprimary

relationshipistakingstepstowardmorehonesty,showingrespectforyouandyour

relationship.Theywouldn’tgotoallthistroubleiftheywantedtogetridofyou.

It can be hard to remember your partner’s goodwill, though, while you are

strugglingtodigestthisunwelcomenews.Althoughitmaybecomfortingtofocus

your pain into righteous outrage—and you are justified in doing so—something

moreneedstohappenifyouandyourrelationshiparegoingtosurviveandthrive.

What do we see when we look at cheating with an open mind and with

compassion toward everyone involved? Our culture would like to have it that

cheatinghappensrarely,thatit’sananomaly.Kinsey discoveredotherwise more

than a half century ago: slightly more than half of theoretically monogamous

marriages back then actually were not. So cheating is not unusual and is not

perpetratedonlybyheartlesssexaddicts.

Conventionaltherapeuticwisdomisthatcheatingisasymptomofsomething

wrong in the relationship and that working on the relationship will make the

cheating go away.Sometimes this is indeedtrue.Butcheating is notnecessarily

aboutsomefailureinyourconnection,anditiscrueltotellpeoplethatsomething

is wrong with a perfectly good relationship just because desire has a way of

squirmingoutofbounds.

You may feel betrayed or grief-stricken or furious. You’ve been launched into

thesefeelingswithoutanywarningandnotbyyourchoice.Itcanbeparticularly

hardtolearnthatyourpartnerhasbeenengaginginfar-outsexualactivitieslike

kinkorcross-dressing(ifyou’restrugglingwiththisissue,pleaselookatourbook

WhenSomeoneYouLoveIsKinky).

Workingtoopenarelationshipundertheseconditionsisfarlessthanoptimal—

howisanonconsentingpartner supposedtofindaway tofeelsecureandloved

when the rughas been pulledoutfromunderthem?Butmany relationships do

eventuallyfindtheirwaythroughthisthornythicket.

We are talking about a life situation in which many people experience

particularly fiery anger. This exercise can be a first step in getting to know that

anger and understand it, rather than just avoiding it like the plague and then

eruptingwhenyoucan’tstanditanymore.

EXERCISE:WHATISANGERGOODFOR?

Forthisexercise,startoutthinkinglikeanecologist.Rememberin

schoolhowtheytaughtyouthateverythinginnaturehasitsjob,

itscontribution(themaggotseatthedeadmouseandturnitinto

richsoil,andthentherosecanbloom)?

Sowhydoweexperienceanger?Whatdoesangercontributeto

our emotional ecologies and to our intimate relationships? How

doesyourangerhelpyou?Howdoesitprotectyou?Writealist.

Examples might include helping you discover your limits,

energizingyoutoaction,lettingyoureleasetension.

Youmightputthislistontherefrigeratorandadditemsovera

weekortwoasyouexperiencethem.

Then,thenexttimeyoufeelangry,youcanaskyourself:“Howis

myangertryingtotakecareofme?”

Intellectually understanding cheating doesn’t make it that much easier to

handlewhenyoudiscoverthatit’syourlover whois doingit…butitmight help

youfigureoutwhereyouwanttogofromhere.Thechallengeofrebuildingtrust

can be hard to contemplate, and you need to figure out how you can meet it

halfway. Your beloved can’t make you trust, can’t really even earn your trust as

thoughitwereasalary—youhavetodecidethatit’sworthyourwhiletograntit.

Furthermore,thereistheproblemoftheoutsideloverwaiting,patientlyornot,

inthewings,whileyouarestartingfromscratchtryingtoorientyourselftothe

situation.Thispersonhasfeelingstoo,andhasgoodreasonsfornotwantingto

remainadirtylittlesecret.

Youandyourpartnerwillprobablyhavetospendsometimetogetherworking

through feelings of anger,betrayal, and guilt. But when you have those feelings

undersomedegreeofcontrol,youwillnexthavetolookatthefutureandbegin

working—preferablytogether—onsomesolutions.

Itmaybethatyouwillwindupseparating,orperhapsthetwoofyouwillreturn

to monogamy. Your local bookstore offers many excellent books to support you

througheitherofthosealternatives.ButthisbookiscalledTheEthicalSlut,solet’s

assumefornowthatyouareatleastconsideringthepossibilityofmoreopenness

inyourrelationship.

FirstOpenings

For everyone involved in this situation to get from where you are right now—

perhapsangry,perhapsscared,almostcertainlyconfused—tosomewherenew,you

needtomakeacommitmenttopushyourselfalittlebeyondyourcomfortlevel.

Justalittle—butstill,youneedtopushyourself.Itdoesn’tworkifsomeoneelsehas

topushforyou,anditdoesn’twork ifyouarepushingsomeone else.Youeach

havetopushyourselvessoyoucandiscoverhowmuchstrongeryouarethanyou

thoughtyouwere.

A good way to start would be to sit down together in a peaceful place and

compareyourvisionsofamoreopenfuture.Perhapsyoucouldeachwritealittle

aboutwhatyourrelationshipwouldlooklikeifitwereperfect,andperfectlyeasy.

Whenyoucomparenotes,youmayfindoutthatyouhaveverydifferentvisions:

one person may want to be the Queen of Sluts at sex parties; another may be

lookingforaloverwhowantstogobackpackingandmakeoutonamountainside.

Oneofyoumaybeyearningforanonymoussexwithnoobligations;anothermay

desire an ongoing relationship with one or two people who stay connected and

jointhefamily.

Don’tpanic.Youdon’thavetowanttheexactsamething,andyoucanfigure

outagreementsthatmakeitpossibleforyoubothtomakeyourdreamscometrue.

Itcanbeoverwhelmingtolookatthedreamwithnoideahowitcanpossibly

bebroughtintoreality—takeamomenttoletgoofpanic.Thenextpartistofigure

outhowyouaregoingtogetfromheretothere.Youdon’thavetoteleporttoyour

destinationinaninstant—youwillgetwhereyouaregoingonestepatatime.You

don’t learn to swim by jumping into the ocean, and you won’t get comfortable

withanyofthisbycastigatingyourselffornotbeingcomfortablealready.

EXERCISE:HIERARCHYOFHARD,ORHOWTOGETFROMHERE

TOTHEREINHOWEVERMANYABSOLUTELYEASYSTEPS

Here’sanexerciseaboutchoosingthefirststepyouwanttotake.

Chooseaveryconcretegoaltofocuson,oneaboutwhichyou

havesome anxiety.Polyissuesmightincludelooking at personal

ads together, introducing your lovers, making a date, having a

sleepover,talkingaboutsafersex.Chooseanissuetopracticewith

thatisrelativelyeasyforyoutoday.

Thinkaboutthestepsyouwouldhavetotaketogetfromhereto

there—agreements, negotiations, asking for what you want,

scheduling time, finding a babysitter, and so on. Write each of

thesestepsonanindexcard.Ifanysteplookstooenormous,break

it down into afewsteps. Sort oflike teaching three-year-oldsto

bakecookies,makeeachstepverysimplebeforeyougoontothe

nextone.

Thenlayoutthecardsandputtheminorderfromtheeasiestto

the hardest, or from the safest to the scariest, according to how

intenseitfeelswhenyouthinkaboutthatstep.Youmaygetnew

informationaboutyourselfwhenyoudothis.

Thenpickupthesafest,easiestcard;figureouthowyoucould

takethatstepandmarchonward!Whenyou’veaccomplishedthat,

andlearnedwhateveryoulearnedfromdoingit,putthecardaway

andgotoworkonthenextstep,whichisnowtheeasieststep.

Nevertakeanythingbuttheeasieststep.

DesigningYourLearningCurve

Thekindsofagreementsthatslutsmaketodealwithemotionalcomfortzonesfall,

loosely speaking, into two categories: agreements that avoid scary feelings and

agreementsthattakeariskoffeelingsomethingthatmightbeuncomfortableor

scary, but not terrifying. Make a list of all the agreements you might consider

entering into and divide them into “avoidant” and “risky.” Avoidant strategies

mightincludedon’task,don’ttell;don’trocktheboat;don’tletmefindout;Iwill

nevermeetyourlover;onlyonThursdaynightswhenI’moutwithmylover,so

I’ll never be home alone. These might be good agreements for people who are

startingouton thispathinthattheyaretakingthe verysmallestriskswiththe

tightestpossiblecontainers.Thisishowweformalearningcurve.

If you choose only avoidant strategies, however, you can wind up keeping

yourselffrozeninyourpresentstate;avoidantstrategiesarehowyoufeelsafe,but

riskystrategiesarehowyougrow.

Ifyouarerequiredtokeepyouractivitiessecretfromeachother,thenyouhave,

well,abigsecret.Secretswillnotbringyouclosertogether—theyoftencreatemore

distance.Supposeyouhaveafightwithanoutsidelover,andyourlifepartnercan

tellyou’reupset.Howdoyoudealwiththeserealitiesandnotdiscloseanything

aboutyouroutsideconnections?Oryoucould windupnotknowingsomething

thateveryoneelseinyourcommunityknows,andthenyoumightfindoutabout

itfromafriendwhothinksyoualreadyknow.Manypeoplefindthatthestories

they make up in their heads in the absence of information are scarier than the

reality.Howcanyoureassureyourselfwithoutknowingwhat’shappening?

Many people find it easier not to hear about the specifics of their sweetie’s

lovemakingwithothers,andwedon’tseealotofproblemswiththat.Eventually,

youmightfinditaturn-on,butthereisnoneedtostartthere,orevengetthere,

unlesssuchsharingisimportanttooneofyou.Fulldisclosureisalovelyidealbut

oftenanacutelyuncomfortablereality.

Think very hard about any agreements thataddup to“Don’t have toomuch

fun.”Agreementsaboutsafersex,ofcourse,arerequired.Butinthelongrun,it’s

notgoingtomakeyoufeelverysafeifyourloveragreesnotto,forinstance,kiss

someone,ornotdoanyofalonglistofactivities.Allyouwillgetforthatisalot

of wondering whether this agreement will be kept and a lot of uproar if you

suspectitisnot.

Youhavetherighttoexpectyourbelovedtobeopenwithprospectivepartners

aboutyourexistence.Yourpartnermaybesurprisedtolearnthatthiswillmake

themmoreattractivetosomepeoplethanasingleperson wouldbe—anoutsider

canplaywiththemandnothavetoworryaboutwhethertheyaregoingtoshow

upwithaU-Haul.Whenyouandyoursweetiesarehonestabouttherelationship

youarelookingfor,youwillattractpeoplewhoarereadyandwillingtodealwith

therealitiesofyourlife.

There are distinct advantages to connecting with experienced sluts—their

knowledge can be very helpful. But if a prospective outside sweetie is new to

polyamory, you will need to negotiate another set of agreements and establish a

learningcurveforthisrelationship.

TakingSomeTinyRisks

Entry-levelrisk-takingstrategiesmightincludethingslikecheckingoutpersonal

adsontheInternettogether.Whatphotosintheadsdoeseachofyourespondto?

Howdoyoufeelaboutthat?Whatdoesyourpartnerthinkaboutthepeopleyou

find attractive? Or you might go out to a club together and talk about what it

wouldbeliketoflirtwithanyofthehottiesyoumightseethere.

You can take the risk of arousing one of your scary emotions almost as an

experiment,toseehowitfeels,learnaboutyourself,andexplorehowyoucantake

careofyourselfandreassureoneanotherwhenjealousfeelingsarebeingfeltinthe

present.Trywritingabouthowitfeels.Maybeyoucouldinventafantasythatfeels

likethatandinventyourselfasthecompetentcharacterwhofiguresoutahappy

solution.

Oneriskthatweadviseyoutotakeinvolvesmakingthetimeinyourbusylives

totalkabouthowyouarefeelingaboutallthis.Therearealotofexercisesinthis

bookaboutcommunication:trythem.Onthenextpageyou’llfindanotherscript

fortalkingaboutdifficultfeelings.

Wehavesaidbeforethatnothingcreatesintimacylikesharedvulnerabilities—so

weadviseyoutosavoralltheclosenessthatyouopenupwitheachotherwhenyou

starttakingrisks.

Youcanalsousethe“Yes,No,Maybe”exerciseinchapter23,“SexandPleasure”

(this page), only this time list all the things associated with starting and

maintainingapolylife:coffeedates,answeringanad,exchangingphonenumbers

ataparty,flirting,allthewayuptoactualdates,sleepovers,andvariouskindsof

erotic activity. The items that wind up on your “yes” lists are the ones to start

with,andthenyoucannegotiatewhatitwouldtaketomakeitsafeenoughtotry

somethingonyour“maybe”list.The“no”liststatesyourabsolutelimitsatthis

timeandmaybeforever.Comparethistothe“HierarchyofHard”cardswetalked

about in the exercise earlier in this chapter (this page). You will use these two

exercisesoverandoveragain,becauseeachtimeyougetgoodatanypartofwhat

youareattempting,thescarinesslevelofalltheitemswillchange.Everytimeyou

learnsomethingnew,youbecomestrongerandmoreconfident.

EXERCISE:THETWENTY-MINUTEFIGHT

Makeanappointmentwithyourpartnertodiscusssomethingyou

don’tagreeonfortwentyminutes.Findagoodtimewhenyoucan

focusandwhenyouwon’thavetodoanythingstressfulrightafter

—perhapsplantowatchamovie.

Try this first with a small disagreement, something not terribly

heated,justforpractice.Howdoyoumanagetostopaftertwenty

minutes when the discussion isn’t finished? Our most difficult

disagreements are not going to be resolved in hours of talking,

arguing,oryelling—maybenoteveninweeksormonths.Difficult

issuestaketimetoworkon.Sooneimportantskillis toopenup

thecontroversyandthenfigureoutawaytostopandcloseitback

downuntilthenexttime.

Use good communication tools and set the timer. When the

twentyminutesareup,takeafewdeepbreathsandletgo,letgo,

letgoofwhereveryouareintheargument.Itisaterrificallyuseful

skilltoknowhowtostop.Itismuchsafertostarttalkingabouta

controversywhenyouhaveagreednottoyellateachotheruntil

youareexhaustedandgotobedinahuff.Youmayfindthatafter

youstoptalking,youwillbethinkingaboutwhatyousaidandwhat

yourpartnersaid,andinadayortwoyoumayverywellgetsome

newideasabouthowyoufeelandwhatmightwork.Bythetime

youcometogethernextweekforTwenty-MinuteFightroundtwo,

youmaysurpriseyourselvesbyhowmuchclosertounderstanding

oracceptingeachother’spositionsyouhavecome.

We have deliberately suggested some extremely easy adventures to start with—

like looking atads ortalkingabout all the cuties dancing atthe club.These are

verysafewaystotakeatinyrisk.Payattentiontowhatfeelingscomeupandtalk

aboutthem.Rememberthatfeelingsliketoflow.Pleasedon’tassumethathowyou

feel today is how you will always feel: the whole purpose of this endeavor is to

openupyouroptionsaboutyourfeelings.

Youmaybesurprisedbywhat’sdifficultorbywhat’seasy.Giveyourselfagold

starforwhat’seasy—that’sastrengthyoualreadyhave.Giveyourselfanothergold

star for even thinking about something that’s hard—this is the work you are

settingouttodo.

We’llmakemoresuggestionsabouthowtolaunchyourpartnershipintohappy

sluthoodinchapter20,“CouplesandGroups,”andchapter23,“SexandPleasure.”

We have also listed some good books in Further Reading, and your computer’s

searchengineisyournonjudgmentalbestfriend.

Allthesesuggestionswilltaketimeandenergy.Pleasedon’tforget,however,to

setasidesometimeandenergytosharepleasurableexperienceswiththepartner

you already have: go dancing, go to the beach, watch a favorite movie together,

play a game you both enjoy, visit a favorite restaurant for a lovely meal. Shared

pleasure is the solid foundation that will make all these wonderful explorations

possible—catchupwithyouremaillater.

MAKINGCONNECTION

Anymemberofasexualminorityfacesspecialchallengesinfindingpartnersand

friends—and,asaslutorslut-wannabe,youaremostassuredlyamemberofasexual

minority. Polyamory is not readily understood or accepted in very many social

environments. If you’re also gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual, transgender, or

interestedinaspecializedareaofsexualitysuchascross-dressingorBDSM, you

are doubly or triply challenged. Making the connections of your dreams is not

only possible but eminently achievable, as thousands of abundantly connected

slutscanhappilyattest.

However,we’dbe the lastpeopletotell you thatit will always be easy.We’ve

heard,andlived,toomanysad,frustratingstoriesaboutnearmisses:partnerswho

arefinewithanopenrelationshipuntilsomeonefallsinlove,atwhichpointthey

freak out and demand monogamy; or partners who rhapsodize about sexual

opennessandfreeloveinprinciplebutfallapartwhenfacedwiththereality.Some

partners may become successfully polyamorous but come to a time when their

needs,desires,andlimitssimplydon’tfittogetherwellenough.

Yet many people do succeed in finding each other for relationships ranging

fromcasualtolifetime.So,howdoyoufindfriends,lovers,andpotentialpartners

whonotonlyshareyourvaluesandbeliefs,butarealsoemotionally,intellectually,

andsexuallycompatiblewithyou?

What?

Agoodplacetostartisbyimaginingwhatkindofrelationshipyouwant.Doyou

wantsomeonewithwhomyoucanbuyahouseandraiseafamily,someoneyou

canmeetonceayearforahotandheavyweekendofrole-playingfun,orMs.,Mr.,

or Mx. Right Now? Knowing what you want up front can prevent a lot of

misunderstandingsandhurtfeelingslater.

Ifyou’reworriedthatnobodycouldpossiblywantwhatyouhavetooffer,don’t

besosure.Whileitmaybehardertofindsomeonewhowantstobeasecondary

partnerorarole-playbuddyortheparentofyourchildren,itiscertainlypossible—

infact,thereareundoubtedlyatleastafewpeopleouttherewhoarelookingfor

justsuchasituation.

Therearemany,many ways torelate thatlie between aone-nightstand and a

marriage. You may not know in advance what kind of relationship will develop

withthepersonwhointriguesyoutonight,andthatpersonmaynotfitwhatever

space in your life you thought you were looking to fill. Taking people as they

come,howtheyare,andtoday,canleadyoutowonderfulsurprisesthatmorethan

makeupfortheoccasionaldisappointment.Sowatchoutforyourpreconceptions

andbereadytoapproachnewpeoplewithanopenmindandanopenheart.

“Taking people as they come can lead you to wonderful surprises that more

thanmakeupfortheoccasionaldisappointment.”

Expect situations to change. Someone you thought was just an occasional

playmate may evolve into a much more important figure in your personal

landscape.Whenthishappens—andithashappenedtobothofus—itisimportant

to keep that person, and anyone else involved, thoroughly briefed on the

emotional shifts you’re experiencing. It may be that your friend is feeling the

samewaytowardyou…andthiscouldbethebeginningofabeautifulfriendship.

Or the object of your desire may not be in a place where a deep emotional

commitmentfeelsright.Inanycase,treatthischangedrelationshipasthoughit

wereanewone—inaway,itis.Itmaybethatthetwoofyoucangoonconnecting

inyouroriginal,casualmanner,oryoumayhavetopartforawhiletorediscover

your original equilibrium. Mindfulness, lots of empathy, and plenty of honest

communication are strongly recommended. It can help to spend some time

rememberingwhatwashotandwonderful,andthenpreparetomakeroomfora

newrelationship—possiblywiththesameperson.

Who?

Next, begin thinking about who you’re looking for. The trick in making this

decision is to be neither too specific nor too vague. If your “who” list basically

includesanybodywhoisbreathingandwhoiswillingtohavesexwithyou,you

areperhapsbroadeningyourfieldabittoomuch.Evenifyoudon’thavestrong

preferences about gender, age, appearance, background, or intelligence, you

probably do want someone whowill notlietoyou,steal fromyou,hurtyou,or

exploityou:basicsanity,honesty,andrespectfulnessareonmostofourlists.Itis

alsoperfectlyfinetoacknowledgethosepreferencesthataregenuinelyimportant

toyou:ifyouprefermentowomenorpeopleyourownagetopeoplemucholder

oryounger,nobodyisgoingtoreportyoutotheEqualOpportunityCommission.

Ontheotherhand,ifyour“who”listreadslikeasetoftechnicalspecifications

—gender, age, weight, height, coloring, mode of dress, educational background,

breastsize,penissize,sexualkinks—wesuspectthatyoumaybemoreinterestedin

makinglovetoyourownfantasythanyouaretoarealliveperson.Manyofusare

conditioned to react sexually to a rather unrealistic standard of appearance and

behavior:pornqueensandkingsarefuntowatchinthemovies,buttheyrarely

appear in our living rooms. If you expect your new honey to be gorgeous,

intelligent,loving,andhighlysexualallthetime,youarealmostcertainlysetting

yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment—few people can achieve those

standards,andnobodycanmaintainthemtwenty-fourhoursaday.

Wecan’ttellyoutheexactcutoffpointatwhichahealthypreferencebecomes

anunrealistic desire;only you canlook insideyourself todothat. We dothink

thatphysicalappearance,wealth,andsocialstatushavevery littletodowith the

personbehindthem,and ifanyofthose criteriaappearhighuponyour“who”

list,youmaybealittlebitstuckinyourfantasy.Trygettingtoknowsomepeople

whodon’tmeetthosecriteria.Wehaveahunchthatifyougettoknowthemand

likethem,youwilldiscoverthattheyhavetheirownuniquebeautiesjustwaiting

thereforsomeonetonoticethem.

EXERCISE:THEAIRPORTGAME

Nexttimeyoufindyourselfinapublicplacelikeanairportormall,

findaplacetositwhereyoucanlookatpeoplewithoutdrawing

attentiontoyourself.Then,foreachpersonyoulookat,imagine—

whatmightbethisperson’slover’sfavoritethingaboutthem?Do

they have a strong stride, a sweet smile, bright eyes, powerful

shoulders, hair that looks soft to the touch? Pretty much

everybody is, or has been, loved by someone—see whether you

canseewhatmakesthisparticularpersonlovableandlustworthy,

even if they’re not the kind of person you’re used to seeing that

way.

Animportantnote:evenpeoplewhoaregorgeousorrichorbustyorwhatever

don’t usually like to feel that their beauty, their wallet, or their breasts are their

mostattractivequality.Thosewhopartnersuccessfullywiththemoftenconsider

suchqualitiesahappybonusthathaslittleornothingtodowithwhytheychose

thatpersoninthefirstplace.

Where?

Where do sluts gather? What are your best-bet venues for finding the bedmate,

playmate,orlifemateofyourdreams?

Inthetwodecadessincewefirstwrotethisbook,theanswertothatquestion

has changedagreatdeal.Polyamory is nowlistedin the Oxford English Dictionary.

Newspapers, magazines, and websites worldwide have run detailed articles

describingthisstrangenewlifestyle.Supportgroupshavesprungupinallmajor

U.S. cities and many smaller ones; several larger annual conferences draw

connection-mindedslutsfromallovertheworld.

It is impossible to list the wide variety of polyamory-related venues that are

available to you, because there are too many and they change too fast, but your

search engine is your friend: useful search terms may include polyamory, open

relationships,swinging,ethicalslut,nonmonogamy,and/oralternativerelationships,along

withwhateverspecializedterms(suchaslocation,gender,andsexualorientation)

mighthelpyousortoutthewebsites thatwill bemostusefultoyou.One small

caveat: there are almost as many definitions of most of these words as there are

people using them. You may find yourself confronting people who insist that

whatever you’re doing (swinging, fuck-buddy circles, casual play, group sex,

whatever) isn’t really what you think it is: the most conservative definition of

polyamory, for example, encompasses only long-term committed multipartner

relationships.Inthis,asinsomanyotherthings,agreatquestiontoaskis,“What

exactlydoyoumeanbythat?”

If,forwhateverreason,the onlinecommunitiesdon’tfeel liketherightplace

foryourquest,therearemanyoptionsforseekingoutotherslutsinperson.Itis

difficulttofindslutsindanceclubs—themusicisoftentooloudforanexchange

ofideasorambitions.TrysearchingtheWebfor“ethicalslut”and“polyamory”

with “munch” and“meetup,” along with the name of your area, and meet some

peoplewholiketogettogetherandtalkaboutthelifestyle.Wefindalotofethical

sluts exploring alternative realities: try your local Society for Creative

Anachronism and other historical reenactment groups, and know that many

Renaissance Faires are practically sluts’ trade conferences. Check out science

fictionconventionsorlive-actionrole-playinggamegroups.Ifyourslutteryhasa

spiritual leaning, many groups of neopagans are far more open than traditional

Judeo-Christian religions to alternative lifestyles. (Many others aren’t, so don’t

make any untoward assumptions.) Atheist and skeptic groups also include more

thantheirshareofpeopleinterestedinexploringsluttery.

Anothergoodplacetolookcanbeinworkshops,seminars,andgatheringsthat

havetodowithhumansexualityorintimacy.Whilecruisingis,understandably,

notallowedatsomeoftheseactivities(peoplebaringtheirsoulsaredoingdifficult

workthatcanbedisturbedbyhavingtobeonguardagainstunwantedadvances),

graduatesoftengoonmeetingsociallylongaftertheactualsessionisover.Several

regional and national conferences about sexuality and intimacy are attended by

manykindredsluttyspirits.

Whenyougotoeventswhereyoucanexpecttomeetlike-mindedfolk,youwill

usually needtoinvest alittletime in becoming amember of thegroup you are

visiting. Start out by making friends, and don’t be friendly only to people you

wanttopursue.Makeasmanyfriendsasyoucan,andpeoplewillstarttotrustyou.

One good initial tactic is to go find some people like yourself, not your ideal

opposite number, and make friends with them: they probably know people you

willlike.

Mostofthese gatheringplacesandevents aremade possibleby alot of hard-

workingvolunteers,sotheabsolutebestwaytogettoknowpeopleinagroupyou

like is to volunteer to do something useful: greet folks at the door, help with

refreshments,jointheclean-upcrew.Youwillmeetatonofpeople,andtheywill

be grateful to you. Both of your authors have become valued members of many

communitiesbyhelpingoutandbyofferingourlivingroomsasmeetingplacesto

supportgroupsandsocialfunctions(andthenwedon’tevenhavetoleavehome

toattend).

PersonalAds

Slutshavebeenfindingeachotherthroughpersonaladsfordecades,andpersonal-

adpartnerfindinghasexpandedenormouslyinthelastdecadeortwo,fueledby

thewidespreadavailabilityofInternetaccess.

Asearchon“polyamorypersonalads,”perhapswiththenameofyourcityor

state,turnsupwebsitesthathostpolyandalternativepersonaladsforpeopleofall

gendersandorientations.Anotherfreeoptionisacoupleofonlinesocialmedia

sitestargetedtopeoplewhoshareaparticularsexualinterest,suchasBDSM.Not

onlydothesesitestypicallyofferpersonalads(oftensortedbylocation),butthey

alsohostspecialinterestgroupswhereyoucangettoknowpeoplewhoshareyour

particular interests and kinks. Many such groups collaborate on occasional in-

personmeetupsaswell.

Youcanalsodownloadappsforyourmobiledevicethatenableyoutofindlike-

minded people in your area. Some of these are used primarily for immediate

hookups, while others are likelier to produce people interested in longer-term

connections:wesuggestyoufindoutwhichoneanyparticularappisfor,ifyou

hopetoavoiduncomfortablemisunderstandings.

Some sites specialize in matchmaking. These typically cost money and are

primarily targeted to those seeking long-term relationships; some specialize in

particular religious orientations, professional statuses, racial categories, ages, or

personal lifestyles. At this time, many of these services do not support

nonmonogamouslifestyles,andsomewilleventakedownadsthatmentionpoly,

butwehopethatwillchangeaspolyfolkbecomemorevisible.

PLACINGANAD

Manypeoplefindtheexperienceofcreatingaprofile,apage,orapersonaladon

socialmediatobequitedifficult,requiringadegreeofself-examinationandself-

marketingthatfeelsacutelyuncomfortable.Afterall,hardlyanyonelikestothink

of themselvesas aproductto bemarketed—yet,when youcompose an ad,that’s

exactlywhatyou’redoing.Oneofyourauthors,aformeradvertisingcopywriter,

hasafewsuggestionsthatmaymakeitabitlesspainful.

Doyouwanttobringinasmanyqualifiedpeopleaspossibleorjustafew?Your

answertothisquestionwilldictatesomeofyourad-writingstrategies.Ifyouare

young,cisgender,heteroorbi,thin,female,andhealthy,anadthatcastsawidenet

willdrawmoreresponsesthanyoucanpossiblyanswer,soabetterstrategymight

be to “narrowcast”—to include information about yourself that will enable

inappropriateresponderstolookelsewhere.(You’llstillgetplentyofinappropriate

responses,butyou’llbeabletosortthemoutbecauseofallthenegativesinyour

ad that they’ve conveniently overlooked. Janet ran personal ads for a while that

describedherasmiddle-aged,plump,bisexual,butch,partnered,andaBDSMtop,

andstillgotdozensofresponsesfromguyswhoclearlyhadseenonlythatshewas

femaleandwilling.)

On the other hand, ifyou fall into acategory thatputs youin less demand—

which is, let’s face it, most of us—then you’ll have to decide for yourself how

widely to cast your net. If you know yourself to be charming, easy to get along

with, open-minded, and smart, then perhaps your reader doesn’t need to know

rightthissecondthatyou’recarryingafewmorepoundsthanyou’dpreferorthat

a health condition sometimes prevents you from having as much fun as you’d

wish. (It is, however, conventional to mention up front if you’re already in a

relationship in which your beloveds have some say in how you arrange your

romanticlife.)

Do you want to include a photo? Ads with photos draw more responses than

those without, so your strategy will dictate the answer to that question. Many

peopleprefertochooseaphotothatisnotimmediatelyrecognizable,forprivacy

reasons; a face turned mostly away from the camera or partly in shadow is a

compromise.Please make sure the photois recent and agood likeness—after all,

you’rehopingtomeetatleastoneofyourreadersfacetofaceatsomepoint,and

youdon’twanttostartapotentialnewrelationshipwithsomeonefeelingmisled.

Wedonotrecommendusingphotosofyoursexualpartsunlessyouarelooking

onlyforquickiehookups,andeventhen,manyreadersfindthemoffensive.

Oneadvantageovertheolddaysofpersonaladsinmagazinesandnewspapersis

that you can fine-tune your ad online if it isn’t working the way you’d wish. If

you’re getting swamped with unqualified responses, put in a few of your quirks

andflaws.Ifyou’renotgettingenoughresponses,takeafewout.

Stillstuck?Askaclosefriend—or,betteryet,anexwithwhomyou’reongood

terms—forhelp.Maybeyoucanwriteanadforthem,andtheycanwriteonefor

you.Youmaynotendupusingexactlytheadtheywrote,butitcanbeagreataid

infiguringoutwhatyourclosestfriendsloveaboutyou,whichisprobablywhat

thenewloveryou’llsomedaymeetwillloveaboutyou,too.

“One advantage over the old days is that you can fine-tune your ad if it isn’t

workingthewayyou’dwish.”

Whatever you choose, we advise you to be yourself—so that you can meet

someonewhoisinterestedinyou,exactlyhowyouare.Theconsequencesofoverly

enthusiasticadvertisingincludewakingupinthemorningwithsomeonewhois

crazyaboutapersonwhoisnotyou.Thiswon’tdoyouanygoodatall.

WHATHAPPENSNEXT?

Whenyoumeetpeoplethroughapersonalad,itiscustomarytogettoknowthem

instages,startingwithemailcorrespondence,thenperhapsaphoneconversation,

andthenano-stringsget-togetherinapublicplaceforcoffeeoramealsothatyou

cangettoknowtheotherpersonslowlyandwithaslittlepressureaspossible.Be

awarethatyouknownothingaboutthispersonbeyondwordsonascreen,sotake

thesameprecautionsyouwouldtakeinmeetinganyotherstranger.

A special case: What if you fall in love with a person who wants monogamy?

Thissituationisgoingtobetough.Weknowthatthisisavaliddisagreement,and

alsoavery basic difference.In our more thoughtless moments,wehave blithely

assumed that once this delightful person who has won our heart discovers that

ethical sluttery is possible, they will instantly want to join in—but that is not

alwaysthecase.Pleaserememberthatnobodyisrightandnobodyiswrong;thisis

abouttwodifferentwaysofstructuringarelationship,andboth,orall,choicesare

valid. You may choose for the present to continue exploring this relationship

becauseitisprecioustoyouandyouwanttoseehowthingsevolve,evenifyou

may be disappointed at some time in the future. Both of you need to agree to

tolerate the ambiguity of knowing that you want something different. Entering

intoarelationshipwhileplanningtochangeyourpartnerisnotrespectfultoyour

belovedandcouldmakebigtroublelateron.

Make“forthetimebeing”agreementsabouthowyouwillliveatpresent,and

seek out knowledge and experience that will help you understand each other’s

positions.Readthisbooktogether;readagoodbookonintimacy.Refrainfrom

bad-mouthingeachother’schoices.Attendsomeworkshopstogether—maybeone

onpolyandoneonhotmonogamy.Joinsomeonlinesupportgroupsonrelevant

topics,andfindtimetodiscusswhatyoulearnfromallofthesesources.

Consider the wide spectrum of relationship options available to you—perhaps

theonethatbestfitsyourneedsmaynotbewhatyouthoughtyouwerelooking

for. Meanwhile, we feel sure that you entered into this potentially difficult

situation because there is a great deal that you treasure in this particular

relationship and that the value of your love together outweighs the differences

betweenyou.Whetheryouwindupasfriends,lovers,spouses,orsomethingelse

that’suniquetoyourpairing,wehopeyou’llfindawaytokeeponcherishingthat

love.

COUPLESANDGROUPS

Slutsrelateinasmanycombinationsandstylesasyoucanimagine,andmore.Is

there a typology of relationships that could include every wonderful possibility?

Obviouslynot—everyrelationshipisuniqueuntoitself,andthusevenanattempt

tothink intypes andforms is notgoing toexpress the essential truths of what

happenswhenwelovepeople.

Here is one particular and fairly unusual relationship we cherish: ours! Your

authorshavebeenlovers,coauthors,andbestfriendsfortwenty-fiveyears,andwe

have never lived together. We have both lived with other partners during those

yearsandhavebothbeensingletogetherforonlyabrieftime.Ourrelationshipis

atreasure,and no other partner gets toobject—we’ve beendoing this for along

time and we do not intend to stop. Of course, if we wanted to live together we

probablywouldhavebynow,sowearealsonothreattoanylifepartner.(Aslong

as you don’t get threatened by reading in extensive detail about your partner’s

sexualadventureswithhercoauthor—thisisaproblemonlyafewofyouwillever

face.)Itisnothingshortofamiracletousthatourpartneringhasbeensofruitful

andsosereneandsointimateandsoexplorativeoverallthistime.Weagreethat

tolivetogetherwouldrunaterribleriskofspoilingagoodthing.

Everybody ought to have a coauthor. But even if you don’t write, you might

findyourselfmakingconnectionsthatremindyouofsomeofthepossibilitieswe

willdiscusshere.

Whileallconnectionscanbeguidedbythebasicprincipleswe’vediscussedin

earlierchapters,newskillsandconceptsaredevelopeddailybybrilliantslutswho

want to explore the rewards and challenges of their own customized lifestyle. In

this chapter,wewill discuss some ofthe ways of exploringopen sexuallifestyles

and makingyourconnectionssustainable.Evenifitdoesn’tseemlikewhatyou

want has much in common with any of these ways of partnering, we suggest

readingthewholechapter—thereareideasforallofusintheexperiencesofany

oneofus,andsometimesavoicefromsomewhereelsecangiveusjustthepieceof

ourpuzzlewewerelookingfor.

Weallgrewupinaworldinwhichtherewasassumedtobenothingbetween

emotionless sport fucking and committed long-term marriage-type relationships,

leavingthevastterritoryinbetweenopentodiscoverybyrelationshippioneersof

allstripes,includingourselves.Whatinterestingwaysofrelatingtopeoplemight

we,andyou,findbetweenthesepoles?Whenweincludeallourconnectionsinour

pictureofrelationship,weexpandthedefinitionofwhatarelationshipcanbe.

Eachrelationshipseeksitsownlevelwhenweletit.Operatingonthisprinciple,

we can welcome each of our partners for precisely who they are: we don’t need

themto beanybody else ortobringus any particularresourcesor skills.Ifyou

don’twanttoplaytenniswithme,I’llasksomebodyelse,andifyoudon’twantto

playbondagegameswithme,somebodyelsewill—ourrelationshipwillnotbeless

forit.Whatweshareisvaluableforwhatweshare.Period.

“Eachrelationshipseeksitsownlevelwhenweletit.”

We like to be easygoing about sex, but what people mean by “casual sex” is

perhapstoodismissive.Casualsexsoundslikewearesupposedtobedistant:don’t

get too close, don’t expect too much, avoid any expression of intimacy or

vulnerability.

We are now hearing people refer to certain of their lovers as “friends with

benefits,”aninterestingconcept.Whyshouldn’twesharethemanifoldbenefitsof

sexwithourfriends,makingsexanaturalpartoftheloveandhonorandloyalty

andopenheartednessthatwealreadyshare?

Wehavelearnedthemost,andhadthemostfun,andmadethemostwonderful,

richconnections,whenwehavewelcomedeachnewpersonintoourlivesjustas

theyare,withouttryingtoforcethemintothepicturethat’slabeled“relationship”

in our brains. This has been true whether we’ve been single, coupled, part of a

group family, or engaged in any one of the myriad other ways of relating that

creativeandlovingslutscandevise.

Couplings

Weheartoooftenoffolkswhodelightinajoyouslysluttylifestyleuntilthey“fall

in love.” Then, perhaps prodded by cultural messages that love must equal

marriage must equal monogamy, they dive into an attempt at a conventional

lifestyle, often with disastrous consequences. Both of your authors have proven

themselvesnotimmunetothiskindofprogramming.Acautionaryword:sexand

romance,nomatterhowspectacular,arenotreliablepredictorsofsatisfactionand

peaceofmindinalong-termrelationship.

Thereisnoreasonwhyweddingbells,ortheequivalentthereof,needtobreak

upthatoldgangofyours.Manyslutsfinditpossibletocombinethecommitted

stabilityofalifepartnershipwiththepleasuresofsexandintimacywithothers.

However,thereisnoquestionthatbeingaslutwithinacommittedrelationship

hassomespecialchallenges.Evenpeoplewhoknowbetteroftenfind(sometimes

totheirsurprise)thattheirexpectationsofacommittedrelationshipmayinclude

therighttocontrolmanyaspectsoftheirpartner’slives.

While we’re going to write about couples for the sake of clarity, all the

principlesapplyequallytothreesomes,foursomes,andmoresomes.Relationships

taketheirownshapes,butthebestonestendtosharesomebasicprinciples:good

boundaries, mindfulness, and a mutual desire for the well-being of everyone

involved.

As you can probably guess, we don’t much like the idea that a relationship

commitment specifies anybody’s right to anything beyond mutual respect and

caring for each other. Yet once you divorce romantic love from the concept of

ownership,whathappens?Onewomanweknow,whohadneverbeeninanopen

relationshipbefore,wasstartledtofindthatmanyofheroldhabitshadbecome

irrelevant:“Why shouldIbother tolook for stray hairs onthepillow, trying to

sniffoutanytraceofinfidelity,whenIknowthatiftheyhavesexwithsomeone

else, they’ll simply tell me about it?” Yet there are still issues of boundaries, of

responsibility, of courtesy, that complement ownership and promote

sustainability,whichmustbedealtwith.

So,howdoslutsinlovebuildalifetogether?

OurfriendsRuthandEdwardremember:

Wehadamonogamousrelationshipforaboutsixteenyears,thenopeneditup

andstartedinteractingwithotherpeople.Nowwe’retryingtofigureoutwhat

we’recomfortabledoingwithotherpeopleandwhatwewanttoreserveforour

ownrelationship.Sometimes,theonlywaytolocatetheboundaryofour

comfortzoneistocrossitandfeelthediscomfort.Wetrytotakesmallstepsso

thatthepainisminimal.We’redefinitelycommittedtoeachotherandareeach

willingtostopdoingthingsthattheotherfindsthreatening.

Herearesomespecialproblemsthatmaycomeupforpartneredsluts.

Wheneachrelationshipseeksitsownlevel,thensomerelationshipsendupas

life partnerships, which may include sharing living space, possessions, and

sometimesparenting.Othersmaytakeotherforms:occasionaldates,friendships,

ongoing romantic commitments, and so on. Yet many folks find that they’ve

gotten into a habit of letting their relationships slide inexorably into life

partnership without much thought or intent on their part. (Some clever person

coinedthetermrelationshipescalatorforthispattern,becauseonceyoustepon,

youcan’tgetoffuntilyoureachtheend.)Well-meaningfriendsandacquaintances

mayaidinthisprocessbyassumingthatyouandyourfriendareacouplebefore

you’ve ever decided to become one. In addition, many people get coupled by

accident, by virtue of an unplanned pregnancy, an eviction romance where one

partner loses a housing situation and moves in with the other, or simple

convenience.Janetremembers:

Inmyfreshmanyearofcollege,ImetaguyIlikedalot—quietandshy,but

whenhesaidanything,Ireallylikedwhathehadtosay.FinnandIwoundup

goingouttogetheracoupleoftimesandhavingsexafewtimes.Whenschool

ended,wewrotetoeachotheroverthesummer.ThenfallcameandIbegan

lookingaroundforaplacetoliveoutsidethedorms.TheonlyroomIcouldfind

wasadouble-sizedroomthatIcouldaffordonlyifIshareditwithsomeone.So

IcalledFinnandproposedthatweshareit,puttingupapartitionacrossthe

middleandsleepingonseparatemattresses,andheagreed.

Thefirstnightthere,Finnhadalreadygottenhimselfamattress,andIhadn’t

yet—soIsharedhis.Somehow,weneverdidgetaroundtogettinganother

mattress.Wewounduplivingtogetherforacoupleofyears,thengetting

married.Thatmissingmattressledtoafifteen-yearmarriageandacoupleof

kids.

While we’re all for coupledom for people who choose it, we like to see folks

maketheirchoicesabitmorethoughtfully.Wesuggestthatbeforeyouletyourself

slideintosomethingthatyoudon’treallywant,youdosomeseriousthinkingand

talking, alone and together, about what is the best form for this particular

relationship. Talk to each other about what love means to you and how you fit

intoeachother’slives.

You may discover that while you enjoy one another’s company and have

fabulous sex, your habits regarding housing, money, possessions, and so on are

wildlyincompatible.Insuchasituation,youcoulddowhatgenerationsofpeople

have done—move in together and spend years trying to change one another,

gettingfrustratedandresentfulin the process.Oryoucould reconsidersome of

yourimplicitassumptions.Doyouhavetolivetogether?Why?Whynotinstead

enjoyyourfriendforthethingsyoulikeaboutthemandfindsomeoneelsewith

whomtosharethe otherthings?Sluthoodmeans,amongotherthings,thatyou

don’thavetodependonanyonepersontofulfillallyourdesires.

If you know you’re a person who tends to slide into coupledom, we suggest

spendingsometimetryingtofigureoutwhyyou’vefallenintothispatternand

what you hope to get out of being part of a couple. It’s a very good idea for

everyonetolearntolivesingle—tofigureouthowtogetyourneedsmetwithout

beingpartneredsoyoudon’tfindyourselfseekingapartnertofillneedsthatyou

couldequallywellfillyourself.Youmightalsoconsiderexperimentingwithsome

relationships unlike those you’ve tried in the past—instead of looking for your

perfectsoulmate,trydatingsomepeopleyoulikeandtrustbutdon’tnecessarily

love,ormaybeloveinaquieterwaythanchillsrunningupyourspine.

Thekeyistobuildyourownsenseofinternalsecurity.Ifyoulikeyourself,love

yourself,andtakecareofyourself,yourotherrelationshipscanarrangethemselves

aroundyouasperfectlyascrystals.Wehopethatifandwhenyougetcoupled,you

doitonpurpose.

SpecialChallengesforCouples

The commonest form of relationship in our culture, and many others, is the

couple: two people who have chosen to share intimacy, time, and perhaps space

andpossessions,fornowandtheforeseeablefuture.Whilecouplehoodhasagreat

dealtobesaidforit—it’salotofworkbuildingalife,andmanyhandsmakelight

work—italsoofferssomespecialchallenges.

The ideas in this section are written for two-person couples for the sake of

simplicity,butmostofthemapplytothreesomesandmoresomesaswell.

COMPETITION

Oneproblemthatsometimesarisesbetweenpartnersinslutteryiscompetitionto

bethemostpopular,aconcernmostofushavecarriedaroundinthebottomof

ourpsychessincejuniorhigh.Sometimespartnerscompetewitheachothertosee

whocanscorethemostorthemostattractiveofconquests—anuglypicture.

Wecannotreiterateoftenenough:thisisnotacontest,thisisnotarace,and

nobodyistheprize.Onestrategytocutthroughanyfeelingsofcompetitivenessis

to play matchmaker for each other, to invest yourself in your partner’s sexual

happinessasmuchasyoudoinyourown—somepolyfolkusethewordcompersion

todescribethefeelingofjoythatcomesfromseeingyourpartnersexuallyhappy

withsomeoneelse.

Janet recalls meeting a new Internet acquaintance for coffee and hearing her

describe apetsexualfantasy thatwas startlinglysimilar toJanet’s then-partner’s.

Janet set up a first date for her new acquaintance and her partner for later that

week,andthetwoofthem(withJanetjoininginlateron)wentontohavealong

andintenserelationship.

CRUSHES

Wehavepointedoutbeforethatitisimpossibleforanyonetopredictwhatdepth

of feeling may potentially exist in any relationship. Many people new to open

relationshipstrytolimitoutsidesexualencounterstoacasual,recreationallevelto

avoidtheterrifyingspecterofseeingyourpartnerinlovewith,oratleastcrushed

outon,another.Itistruethatsometimesanoutsiderelationshipwillthreatento

becomeprimaryandsupplanttheexistingpartner.Whenthishappens,everyone

involved will feel horrible, especially the partner left behind: it really sucks to

spendmonthsoryearsstrugglingtoownyourjealousyandworkinghardonyour

fearsofabandonment,onlytobeactuallyabandoned.

But it is not possible to predict when or with whom a crush, or any other

deepeningoffeelings,mighthappen,andmostcrushes passin timeanddo not

needtoleadtobreakingup.Wecertainlydonotwanttodrawtheboundariesof

ouragreementssotightlythatweexcludeeverybodywelike.Thereisnorulethat

will protect us from our own emotions, so we need to look beyond rules for

solutionsandforasenseofsecurity.

It can help to do a reality check on your fantasies and expectations. New

relationshipsareoftenexcitingbecausetheyarenew,glowingwithsexualarousal,

andtoountestedtohaveuncoveredtheinevitableconflictsanddisturbancesthat

come with true intimacy over time. Every relationship has a honeymoon phase,

andhoneymoonsdonotlastforever.Somepeoplegetaddictedtothehoneymoon

(whichyoumayhearcalledlimerenceorNRE,whichstandsforNewRelationship

Energy) and wind up flying from partner to partner, always imagining that the

nextpartnerwillbetheperfectone.Suchunfortunatesmayneverstaywithanyone

long enough to discover the deeper intimacy and profound security that comes

with confronting, struggling with, and conquering the hard parts of intimacy

together.

OurfriendCarolwiselynotes:

Sexualtimeisconnectedwithintimatetimeformostofus;wecometodepend

onourpartnersforvariouskindsofemotionalsupport.Sowecangetintothis

patternwhereweshareallourhardemotionalunsexyneeds—alltheworkof

livingtogether,thesicknessandhealth,richerandpoorerstuff—withourlife

partner,andwe’reonourbestbehaviorwithourotherpartners.However,while

beinginalong-termrelationshipmayinvolvetradingawaysomeofthejuicy

excitementofabrand-newunknownpartner,theintimacyyougetinreturnis

valuabletoo,andyoucan’thavethatwithapersonyoumettwoweeksago.

Thetrickistofindawaytomanifestbothpossibilities—theintimacyofsharing

andtheheatofnovelty—inyourownlife.

Remember,please,thatfantasyisnotreality,andenjoyyourfantasieswhilealso

maintaining your commitments. When you expect a crush to be a brief, if

wonderful, experience, you and your partner can live through one with relative

equanimity and without destroying your long-term stability and love for each

other.

TheMultihouseCoupleorGroup

Not all couples or groups live together. In recent years, it has become more

common that partnerships, with all the closeness and longevity of couplehood,

maynonethelessspantwoormorehouseholds,sometimesevenindifferentcities.

Sometimes this situation comes about by happenstance: school or career

commitments,forexample,maycreategeographicaldistance.Othershavemadea

conscious choice, like one duo of our acquaintance who have maintained a ten-

year bond by deciding about three years ago that they should live in separate

dwellings.Accordingtothem,thissavedtheirrelationship.

Thislifechoice,wethink,maywellbecomeevenmorecommoninthefuture.

Intimesoffinancialsecurity,sharingahouseisnolongeraneconomicnecessity.

Individualsinthesearrangementsmaywellbesharingahomewithhousemates,

not necessarily wasting resources living alone. While some of them are

polyamorous, others may be more or less monogamous. Arguments about who

sleepswhere becomeunnecessarywheneverybodyhastheirownbeds,butthat’s

notthemainreasonthesefolksciteforlivingseparately:mostofthemsimplyfeel

thattheirrelationshipsworkbetterthatway.Yourauthors,forinstance,havebeen

coauthorsandloversforaquartercenturyandhaveneverchosentocohabit:we

understand our relationship to be a magical gift that daily living might well

destroy(ifDossie’sinexplicableneedforcleandishesdidn’tdothetrick,Janet’s

devil-may-careattitudetowardpast-duebillscertainlywould).

Weshouldnotassumethatsuchrelationshipsrepresentafailureofintimacyor

commitment.Ratherthanlookforwhatiswrong,wemightwanttoexaminewhat

isuniquelyadaptiveaboutthesearrangementsandwhatspecialskillsorwisdom

havedevelopedfromtheseassumption-challengingpartnerships.

Oftensuchpartnerscreateritualsthatmaintaintheirconnectionwhenapart—

agreements about phone calls, ways of reaffirming love at coming-togethers and

leave-takings,keepingcaughtupwiththenewsineachother’slives,markingone

space or time as “theirs” and another space or time as belonging to one or the

otherofthem.

Makingthisarrangementworkrequiressomeskillsinschedulingandkeeping

time commitments, so differences between individuals in how they handle time

andpunctualitymustbeworkedout.Differencesinpatternsofsexualdesirecan

becomeproblematicwhenopportunitiesdon’thappeneverynight.

Howdoyourespectyourpartner’sspaceinthisarrangementandfeelsecurein

yourown?Doyouhavetogohomewhenyouwantalittledistance,orcanyou

figureoutawaytomaintainyourownspaceinahousethatbelongstooneofyou?

Howmuchstuffdoyougettokeepthere?

People often have differences about how much staying-in-touch they are

comfortablewithwhentheyareapart—somepeoplechatonthephoneortextor

instant message two or three times a day, while others would find that too

distracting.

The differences that all partnerships need to manage don’t go away when

partners live apart: differences in gregariousness, tidiness, sleep schedules, work

patterns, focus on careers, how money gets handled, how often you have your

motheroverfordinner—notwopeoplehaveidenticalpatternsinany,muchless

all,oftheseitems.And—sorry—livingapartisnotautomaticprotectionagainstbed

death.Nordoesitmakeeverytimetogetherautomaticallyanoccasionforsex.

We suspect that couples living separately will not be that different in their

sexuallifestylesfromthosewholivetogether.Itcan,however,makebeingtogether

much more of a special occasion, so people tend to respect these times and be

willingtoinvestalittleeffortintomakingthemspecial.

Onequestionpeopleoftenaskaboutsucharrangementsis,“Thenhowdoyou

knowyou’reapartnership?”Theyknowbyhowtheyfeelabouteachotherand,by

extension,howmuchoftheirlivestheyaresharing.We’dliketoseeaworldwhere

all our relationships are honored and valued and where it is understood that a

partnership’s love and their journey together is in no way less important just

becauseitoccursintwoormorehousesratherthanone.

MetamourRelationships

The word metamour is a recent coinage to describe your relationship with your

lover’slovers,andtheirswithyou.Beingametamourbringsuppointsofetiquette

thatEmilyPostneverdreamedof.

Dossienotes:

IwasonceinarelationshipwithamanwhohadaprimarypartnerwhomIhad

notmet.Ihadaskedtomeether,andshewasconsideringwhethershefeltsafe

enoughtodothat.TheirarrangementwasthatwhenPatrickhadadatewith

me,Louisawouldmakeadatewithherotherlover,andeverybodywould,

hopefully,feelsafeandtakencareof.Unfortunately,Louisa’sotherlover

frequentlystoodherup,andthenPatrickwouldstandmeup,whichIbeganto

findunacceptable.Aftermuchbackandforth,Louisafinallyagreedtomeet

withme—ourfirstmeetingwasn’texactlywarmandfuzzy,morelikea

somewhatdistantefforttosurvivetheoccasion.However,shedidagreethat

Patrickcouldseemewhetherornotshehadadate,andwewouldmakesure

thatshegotplentyofadvancenotice,thathegothomeontime,andthatshe

gotlotsofsupportfrombothofus.Asweworkedthroughthis,LouisaandIgot

closerandcloser—Iparticularlyrememberonenightwhenwewereworried

aboutPatrickandsatuplatetalkingabouthimwhilehesleptinthenextroom.

LouisaandIbecamebestfriendsandwentintobusinesstogether,puttingon

workshopsandtheaterpresentations.PatrickandIwoundupgrowingapartas

lovers,butthefriendshipbetweenLouisaandmecarriedon.

Should you meet the metamour? We vote yes: if you don’t, you’ll almost

certainly wind up imagining someone sexier, more predatory, and more

threatening than anyone could be outside a Hollywood erotic thriller. Besides,

whoknows?—youmightwinduplikingthem.

For your first meeting, choose an easy, nonstressful environment: lunch or

coffee,awalkinnature,amovie(thenyoucantalkaboutthemovieevenifyou’re

havingtroublefindingyourwords).

Doyourbesttofallinlike.Ifyoutakeadisliketooneofyourpartner’slovers,

thingscangetverymessy,andhappybalancescanbehardtofind.Wesometimes

regardloverswhomwedonotinstantlyadoreaswedoin-laws:wemaynotexactly

loveourbrother’swifeorourmother’snewhusband,butwerecognizethatthis

personhasjoinedourfamilyandhasrightsandfeelingsjustlikeeverybodyelse,

sowefindwaystobecordialatthevariousgatheringsthatweallattend.

Someofourbestfriendsarepeoplewemetbecausesomeonewewerefucking

wasfuckingthem,too.Youmayfindyourselfconsideringformingaliaisonwith

this person yourself—we talked to one woman whose first experience with open

relationshipstookplacewhenhergirlfriendwassleepingwithanotherwomanand

our friend wound up falling in love with the other woman. “My girlfriend got

kindofcranky,”sherememberswryly.“We’realltightfamilynow,butittooka

decade to get here.” We suggest a bit of soul-searching to make sure your

motivation is loving or lustful rather than vengeful or competitive—then, if you

“testclean,”goforit.It’sreallynottoosurprisingthatyoulikethesamepeople

your partner likes, and mutual attractions like these can form the nucleus of a

long-lastingandveryrewardinglittletribe.

Ontheotherhand,wesometimesseeslutswhofeelthattheyhavetobesexual

with their lover’s lovers. In some cases, both parties in a partnership have an

agreementtoplaywithathirdpartyonlytogether.Suchagreementsrequirethat

both partners are comfortable with potential thirds—being sexual with someone

youfindunattractiveorunpleasantisaverybadideaforyouandforthem.

Youmaysimplyfeelthatbecauseyourpartnerlikesandlustsafterthisperson

somuch,youshouldtoo—toassuageyourpartner’sguiltortosatisfysomeobscure

sense of fairness. Please don’t. If you simply don’t feel hot for your squeeze’s

squeeze, don’t let yourself be driven into a position where you feel you have to

fuckoutofpoliteness:therearemanyotherexcellentwaysforpeopletorelateto

oneanother.Cookanicedinner,gotothemoviestogether,playcardstogether,or

findsomeotherwaytohelpthispersonfeelacceptedintoyourlife.

Whichbringsupanimportantquestion:howmuchresponsibilitydoyouhave

forhelpingyourlover’slovers feel secure andwelcome?We’ve bothspentmany

longtelephoneconversationsreassuringourmetamoursthat,yes,it’sreallyokay,

and have a great time, honey. We think your own needs should be of primary

importance to you; if you really just can’t be welcoming and supportive, then

simplecivilitycansuffice.Ontheotherhand,wealsothinkit’sgracioustobeas

friendly as you can without having to grit your teeth and force a smile. At

minimum,wesuggestthatyoutrytoprovidesomereassurancethatthisisnota

competition,thatyouarenotbeingharmedbyanythingthat’sgoingon,andthat

youareabletotakecareofyourownemotions—inotherwords,apromisetoown

your own stuff and not blame the third party. After all, such people come into

yourlifebecauseyousharesomethingveryimportant:thebeliefthatyourpartner

isthehottestthingonlegs.Theypresumablyhavebetterthingstodowiththeir

timeandenergythansittingaroundplottinghowtodestroyyourhappiness.

Somecouplestakemeetingandinterviewingprospectivepartnersveryseriously,

and we suggest this strategy when your model of polyamory requires that you

includeanynewpartnerinyourfamily.Peoplewithchildren,forinstance,carea

lotaboutwhocomestothehouseandcouldwindupasanuncleoranauntieto

their kids.Some poly people will nothave sex with alover untilalltheseissues

havebeendealtwith,andthosearefinedecisionstomakeiftheyfityourlifestyle:

longengagementscanbeaverygoodidea.

After the crush is over, some people will find a long-term place in your life,

oftenunexpected,liketheloverwhohasbecomeyourkid’sfavoriteuncleoryour

partner’s business partner. Others may leave, and when they leave with warm

feelings,theymaycomebackagaininthefuture,whenonceagainthereisaplace

fortheminyourlifeorforyouintheirs.Thusinfinitelyconnectedpolyamorous

slutsbuildtheirwebsofextendedfamiliesandtribes.

Two of our favorite sluts have been together nearly twenty years, loving each

other and a lot of other wonderful people. One year, for Tina’s birthday, Trace

boughtherwhatwethinkistheultimateslutbirthdaypresent:threeseasontickets

to an excellent performance series…one for Tina, one for Trace, and one for

whichever of Tina’s lovers she chose to invite to each event. (Dossie got to see

RaviShankar!)

SidebySidebySideby…

Someverycapableslutsmaintainmorethanoneprimaryrelationship.Dossiehas

knownonesuchcouple,RobertandCelia,foralmostfourdecades.Theytogether

raised two children from previous relationships and subsequently some

grandchildren.Eachhasanotherprimarypartner,bothusuallywomen,andfamily

relationshipswithalltheirexes.Robert’soutsidepartnerMaywasoriginallylover

toCelia’sloverJudybackin1985,thenbecameloverswithCelia,andfinallywith

Robertfrom1988tothepresentand,theyintend,onintothefuture.Someyears

ago Miranda and Celia lived upstairs, and Robert and May lived downstairs.

CurrentlyCheryl,anotherofCelia’spreviousgirlfriends,livesupstairsandhelps

with the grandchildren;Miranda,another ofCelia’s exes,visits two days aweek

becauseshelivesoutoftownbutattendsschoolnearby.Areyoudizzyyet?Allof

these people,plus many other friendsandlovers of various degrees of intimacy,

bothpresentandhistorical,andmostoftheirfriendsandlovers,formaverylong-

termextendedfamilythathaslived,loved,andraisedchildrentogetherfornearly

fortyyearsandplanstocareforoneanotherinoldage.Weareimpressed.

OnMarriage

Oneofthequestionsfacingcoupledslutsistheissueofwhethertoenterintothespeciallegal

partnershipcalled“marriage.”Inanincreasingnumberofcountries,evenbeinginasame-sex

relationshipnolongerexemptsyou fromhavingtoaddress this question:same-sex marriage

hasbeenlegallysanctionedintheUnitedStates,inCanada,andinmanycountriesinEurope

andelsewhere, andweapprove. However, wealsothinkitvery important that everyone look

verycloselyatwhat’sunderthecrustwhenwereachoutforthemarriage-rightspieceofthe

Americanpie.

Marriage today is the outcome of government imposing its standards on personal

relationships, legislating a one-size-fits-all mandate for how people in sexual or domestic

relationships ought to run their lives; it is built to support a very specific style of marriage in

whichpartnersmarryyoung,havechildren,andonespouseworkswhiletheotherstayshome.

Many marriages do not fit this pattern and thus are not supported by current laws. In many

states we have community property laws, which means that whatever income or debt either

spousecreatesduringthemarriagebelongstobothspouses:weknowawomanwhosesoon-

to-be-ex-husbanddeliberatelythrewthemintobankruptcybecauseshewasplanningtoleave.

Marriage is, we’re told, a sacrament—a loving ritual where your faith and your community

blessyourunion.Why,then,isourgovernment,theonethatsays“Congressshallmakenolaw

respecting anestablishmentof religion, orprohibitingthefree exercisethereof,” insistingthat

wegetlicenses?Ifmarriageissacred,aswethinkitis,whyislegalrecognitionofarelationship,

alongwithprivilegeslikeinheritanceandparentalrights,restrictedtothosewhoarewillingto

shapetheirlivestoconformtosomebodyelse’sdesign?Andwhyisitassumedtobeonlyfor

romanticpartnerships?Whyshouldn’tyoumarryyourbestfriend,ifthey’rethepersonyouwant

to spend your life with? Dossie’s longest-term nesting partner, who raised her daughter with

her,wasagayman.

Ifwerantheworld,wewouldabolishmarriageasalegalconcept,allowingpeopletoenter

intocontractrelationshipsasallowedbytheperfectlyadequatelawsthatalreadygovernother

forms of legal partnership. Sample contracts could be provided by institutions, attorneys,

churches, publishers, and support networks. Those who wished to perform marriage as a

sacramentcoulddosoundertheauspicesofwhateverreligiousorsocialinstitutionfeltlikea

good fit for them. Under such a system, no agreement would be taken for granted; sexual

exclusivity,moneysharing,inheritance,andalltheotherissues currently coveredbyinflexible

marriagelawscouldbeconsciouslychosenratherthanlegislated.

There is, of course, always a need for laws about the basic responsibilities adults have for

childrenandotherdependents.Taxbreaksandothersupportshouldstillbeavailabletothose

caringforchildrenanddependentelders,whoreallyneedthem.

Loveisawonderfulthing,andwethinkitwouldbeevenmorewonderfulifweallactedlike

responsibleadultsandenteredintothoughtfularrangementsaboutthephysicalandfinancial

foundationsofourlives.

THESINGLESLUT

To live single is unusual in most cultures. Most people look on their times of

singlehoodastemporary,oftenaccidental,andtobeendedasquicklyaspossible.

Youarerecoveringfromyourlastrelationship,mourningabreakup,ortoobusy

workingonacareertohandlehuntingforromance.Perhapstherearen’tanygood

candidates around right now. Something better will surely come along soon…so

youwait,noteventhinkingofmakingalifestyleoutofhowyouarelivingtoday.

What would it be like to be intentionally single, to choose for some period of

timetolivebyyourself?Potentialpartnerscanpopupwhenyouleastexpectthem

—andinaculturethatisbuiltintwos,anyrelationshipthathasanylifeinitis

regardedasanescalatortocouplehood.How,then,tostaysingle?

Whatwouldyoursocialsupportnetworklooklike?Mightitbepossibletoget

yourneedsmetandfeellovedandsecurethroughacommunityoffriends,lovers,

family,mentors—yourpersonalhumanresources?

Buildingyournetworkbyyourselfcanbehardatfirst—noonebutyoutomake

thephonecalls,scheduledatesforlunchorthemovies,stayconnected.It’supto

you to build yourself a family and to take care of yourself gently with an open

heart.

Yourrelationshipwithyourselfisalifelongcommitment.Whenyouaresingle,

youhaveuniqueopportunitiestodeepenthatrelationshipwithyourself,tofind

outwhoyouare,andtocelebrateyourjourneyinwhateverrelationshipsyoumay

movethroughasyoutravelthroughyourlife.Tolivesingleandinlovewithmany

isavoyageofself-discovery,anopportunitytogettoknowyourselfintimatelyand

toworkonanychangesyouwanttomakeinyourlife.Dossiewassinglewhenshe

firststruggledwithherjealousy,andhavingitalltoherselfmadeiteasiertosee

inside herself rather than blame someone else and to make conscious decisions

abouthowshewantedtodealwithherfeelings.

Being single over being partnered is not an either/or choice. But our culture

tends to discount singlehood as a lifestyle, and thus very few people choose to

remain single, which means there are limited resources and little social status

available to the single person. Perhaps if being single were an acceptable, even

valued,lifestyle,partnershipsmightdevelopmoreoutofchoiceandlessoutofa

senseofnecessityoradesperategrabforsalvation.

Partnered people get to share the basics of their lives—working together on

shared goals, pooling finances, splitting the hard work of childrearing. Partners

alsogettosharewitheachotherwhenthingsarelessthanpretty—andweallneed

somebodytoletusknowthatwearestilllovablewhenwearenotatourshiniest.

The challenge for the single slut is to find ways to deepen the intimacy in

relationshipsthatmaynotbelifepartnerships.

Being single offers the opportunity to spend time being purely who you are.

Singlesenjoymorefreedomtoexplore,fewerobligations,andtheabilitytolounge

aroundthehouseinaholeyT-shirt,playingvideogames,withnobodythewiser.

“Beingsingleofferstheopportunitytospendtimebeingpurelywhoyouare.”

Perhapsyouaresinglefornegative,andvalid,reasons.Thelastrelationshipwas

a disaster, and you are terrified to try again. You only feel safe controlling your

ownfinancesoryourownkitchenoryourownlife.Theonlywayyouknowhow

to be in a relationship is to try to be the perfect wife or husband or lover or

provider, and you’re exhausted from trying to be someone you are not. You are

recoveringfromabreakup;youwanttoavoidreboundromance;youneedtimeto

grieve.Youjusthaven’tfoundanyonethatyoureallywanttolivewith.

Perhapsyouareactivelychoosingtolivesingleatthistimeinyourlife.Living

alone leaves you free to explore any kind of relationship that crosses your path.

Youcanlovesomeonewhowouldn’tmakeagoodpartner.Youcanlovesomeone

whoalreadyhasapartnerandwhodoesn’tneedyoutohelpwiththemortgageor

taking the kids to the orthodontist. You might choose singlehood because you

lovethejoyofthehunt,themagicofflirtation,allthemysteryandexcitementof

newness.Oryoumightwanttoexplorehowtodevelopsexualconnections with

peopleyoulikebutdonotlove,ortolearntolovewithoutpossessiveness,orto

exploreanyoftheinnumerablerelationshipsthatarepossiblewithout coupling.

Eachutterlyuniquepersonyoumeetoffersanewmirrorinwhichyoucanseea

newviewofyourself:each newlover increases yourknowledgeoftheworldand

yourself-knowledgeaswell.

TheEthicsoftheSingleSlut

What are the rights and responsibilities of the single sexual partner? Start with

rights:youhavethem,andyouwillneedtoassertthem.Toooftenourculturesees

the single partner as “secondary,” “outside,” “an affair,” a “home wrecker,” and

yourplaceintheecologyofanylifeorrelationshiporcommunityisdismissedas

inconsequential at best. What does a single person have to do to get taken

seriouslyinthiscommunityoranyother?Ifyou’reinthisposition,agoodplace

to start thinking about rights and responsibilities would be with some respect,

honor,andconsiderationforeachperson’sfeelings—includingyourown.

THERIGHTSOFTHESINGLESLUT

•Youhavetherighttobetreatedwithrespect—youarenothalfapersonjust

becauseyouaresingle.

•Youhavetherighttohaveyourfeelingsheard,respected,andrespondedto.

•Youhavetherighttoaskforanythingyouwant—thepersonyouaskmay

notgiveittoyou,butyouaredefinitelyallowedtoask.

•Youhavetherighttohavedatesandplanshonored,notchangedbyathird

partysimplybecausethatpersonhasseniority.

•Youhavetherighttochickensoupwhenyouaresickandwhateverother

emergencysupportyoumayneed—ridestotheemergencyroom,helpwhen

yourcarbreaksdown.Yourloversareyourfriends,andfriendshelpeach

otherwhenthingsgowrong.

•YouhavetherighttonegotiatefamilyholidayslikeThanksgivingand

weekendsinvolvingyourownandyourlovers’children:youareamember

ofanyfamilyyouareinarelationshipwith.Howthisworksmaylook

differentdependingonthevaluesofthefamilyyou’reconnectingto,but

youhavetherighttoaskformorethanjustbeingsomebody’sdirtylittle

secret.

•Youhavetherighttohaveandsetlimits:whatyouwillandwillnotdo,what

isandisnotnegotiableforyouremotionalwell-beingandpersonalecology.

•Youhavetherighttonotbeblamedforproblemsinotherpeople’s

relationships.

•Youhavetherighttorefusetobeadumpinggroundforsomeone’smarital

woes—youmaynotwanttolistentohowmuchyourloverwantsadivorce

andyoushouldn’thaveto.

•Youhavetherighttocount.Everybodycounts,includingyou.

•Youhavetherighttobevalued,welcomed,andrespectedasthewonderful

humanbeingthatyouare.

THERESPONSIBILITIESOFTHESINGLESLUT

•Youareresponsiblefordevelopingandmaintaininggoodsolidboundaries.

Boundariesarehowyoucantellwhereyouendandthenextpersonbegins:

goodboundariesarestrong,clear,andflexible;badboundariesareweak,

foggy,andbrittle.

•Youareresponsibleformakingclearagreements.Makeandkeepagreements

abouttime,aboutpublicandprivatebehavior,andaboutcourtesiesin

sharedspaces.

•Youareresponsibleforbeingclearwhenwhatyouwanttosayisno.Don’t

waffleanddon’tmakepromisesyoucan’torwon’tkeep.

•Youareresponsibleforchoosingwhoyouconfideinaboutyour

relationships.Gossipcanbeadestructiveforce,andyetmostofusneedto

beabletotalkoutourstuffwithsomeone.Beclearaboutwhothosepeople

are.

•Youareresponsibleforrespectingtheotherrelationshipsofyourlovers,

especiallytheirlifepartners,andfortreatingthesepeoplewithrespect,

empathy,andopenheartedness.

•Youareresponsibleforsafersex:openingdiscussionwithpotentialpartners,

makingyourowndecisionsaboutyourlevelofacceptablerisk,respecting

otherpeople’sdecisions,andlearningtobeadeptwithlittlebitsofessential

rubber.

•Youareresponsibleforowningyourfeelings.Learntohandleyourown

crisesandgetsupportfromotherswhoarefreetobethereforyouatthat

particulartime.

•Youareresponsibleforbeingstraightforwardaboutyourintentions.When

youpracticebeingopenlyaffectionatewithyourlovers,theymayexpect

morefromyouthanyouareoffering,andyoumustbewillingtospeakout

andmakeyourselfandyourdesirescleartoallconcerned.

•Youareresponsibleforfindingwaystosaywhatanotherpersonmightnot

wanttohear.Singleslutsmayneedtostateuncomfortabletruthsin

relationshipsthatmightnothavethecustomaryintimacyforsuch

vulnerablediscussions.

•Youareresponsibleforpromotingintimacyinallyourrelationships.If

beingsinglemeansthatyouarecommittedtobeingcoollyinvulnerablein

allsituations,you’llbelivinginacoldanddistantworld.

•Youareresponsibleforvaluingandwelcomingallyourloversasthe

wonderful,brilliant,uniquehumanbeingsthattheysurelyare.

RainbowofConnections

Ifyou’resingleandslutty,youmayfindyourselfinteractingwithalotofdifferent

peopleinalotofdifferentpatterns.Hereareafewthatwe’veencounteredandthat

youmay,too.

SINGLESWITHSINGLES

Isn’titfunnyhowwecallsinglepeople“available”?Availableforwhat?Whenyou

aresingle,yourloversmightbeothersingles,butthatdoesn’tmeanthateachof

thoserelationshipsisanythinglikeanyother.

With any individual,you might bedating frequently,regularly,irregularly,or

rarely.Quantitydoesn’talwaysequalquality.Wheneveryoneissingleandnoone

isauditioningforpartners,theneachrelationshipisfreetoseekitsownlevel,and

theremaybefewerobstaclestoflowingintoexactlytherelationshipthatfitsfor

thetwoofyou.

Justbecauseyouaresingleandnotplanningonchangingthatrightnow,please

don’ttakeyourloversforgranted.Letthemknowhowpreciousandvaluablethey

aretoyou.Conventionsaysweshouldbemorereserved:wesaylet’schangethat

convention.Welovehotdates,andwealsolovewarmth.

PARTNERTOAPARTNER

Youmaybedatingsomeonewhohasalong-term,life-sharingpartner—marriedor

livingtogether.Whenyouaredatingthatperson,someoneelse’sfeelingsmustbe

takenintoaccount.

Perhaps you find yourself in the position of sleeping with someone who’s

cheating. Whatever you think about the ethics involved—different sluts make

different choices on this one—it is certain that difficulties can arise when your

lover’spartnerdoesn’tknowaboutyourconnection.Contortionsmayberequired

to keep the partner from finding out—and even with all the cleverness and

forethoughtinthe world,there is nosureway tokeepsuchabigsecret forever.

This kind of secrecy can impose severe limits: if the relationship consists of

weeklytrystsattheno-tellmotel,howmuch connectioncanreallytake place?If

therelationshipgoeswell,someonemayverywellwindupwantingmore.It’sthe

“outside” lover in a secret affair who will most likely get abandoned if anybody

getscaught.

Perhapsyoursweetieisina“don’task,don’ttell”agreement;manycouplesnew

tononmonogamytrythisoneinanattempttofeelsafer.Inourexperience,this

sometimescreatesproblemsforallconcerned.First,manypeoplefindtheirlovers

in their social networks, so keeping them all separate can be difficult or

impossible.Orliesmustbetoldtoprotecttheagreement—andthenit’sbacktothe

cheating paradigm we just discussed. Maintaining untruths, even when you’re

asked to do so, may create distance in any relationship and can be particularly

damagingtolive-inpartnerships,wheresecretsarealothardertokeep.

Ontheotherhand,thingsareoftensimplerwheneverybodyisinformedabout

yourinvolvement.Evenifitstartsoutuneasily,beingoutoftheclosetoffersthe

possibility of working toward learning to be more comfortable. If your lover is

part ofan experiencedpoly couple orfamily,everyoneinvolvedwill knowtheir

boundariesandbeabletoletyouknowwhattheirlimitsare,whichcanmakefora

lot more clarity. If they’re new to this kind of relating, good faith and a

willingnesstotalkthroughproblemscangetyouthroughmostdifficulties.

Your authors have found that we are happiest when everybody knows and

acknowledgeseverybody.Commoncourtesyisessential,asisscrupulousavoidance

ofanythingthatsmacksofcompetitionorone-upmanship.Catfightsareonlyfun

inporn.

Bothofusmuchprefertomeetourpartners’partners andmake friendswith

themwhenatallpossible.Sometimestheyarenotentirelysurethattheywantto

befriendswithus,andoccasionallythey’reprettysurethey’drathernot,butwith

patienceandgoodwill,mostofthemcomearound.Afterall,wehaveatleastone

thingincommon:webothlovethesameperson.

Thereisnoreasonwhyourinterestsneedbeopposedtoour lover’spartners’

interests.Weallwanttocollaborateoncreatingahappyoutcomewhereeverybody

getsrespectedandeverybodygetstheirneedsmetandtheirdesiresfulfilled.Inthe

longrun,weareallonthesameside.

The experienced slut can take some initiative in reaching out to frightened

partners inagentleandopenhearted way.The vulnerabilityoffeeling jealousor

nervousabouteachotherisitsownformofintimacy,andfriendlyfeelingsmaybe

themostusefulresponse.

“Weareallonthesameside.”

Takingcareofapartner’spartnerbysharingsexwiththemisoptionalforboth

of you. It’s rarely a good idea to get intimate with someone just because they

mightfeelleftout.Occasionally,youwilldiscoverasweetfitandbecomelovertoa

couple,aswewilldiscuss soon.Butavoidcommitting yourselftoaninteraction

thatyoudon’tlikeverymuchordon’twantatall.Agreeingtosexyoudon’twant

toassuagejealousyalmostnevermakesthejealousygoaway.Youcanrespectyour

ownlimitswhileofferingsupport,warmth,andwelcometoyourlover’slover.

Aspecialcase:youmayfindyourselfinarelationshipwithsomeonewhoselife

partnershipisnolongerverysexual,whetherfromthenormalcoolingofpassion

asrelationshipsmatureorthroughillnessordisability.Whenyouaredatingsuch

aperson,doremembertoapproachtheirpartnerwithanaddedmeasureofcare

andrespect.Suchpeoplemaybehappythatyouarekeepingtheirpartnerhappy

but still somewhat sorrowful at not being able to fulfill that role themselves. It

helpstorecognizeandhonorthevaluablecontributionsthatpersondoesmake.

ROLE-CONSTRAINEDRELATIONSHIPS

Sometimesyourrelationshipmaybedefinedbytherolesyouplaytogether,roles

thataperson’sotherpartnersmaynotwantorenjoy.Yourconnectioncouldbeas

simpleasaloveofwatchingfootballonTVor,perhapsmorecomplicated,being

the same-sex partner to someone in an opposite-sex marriage. Your shared roles

might be about BDSM, erotic role-playing, exploration of gender, spiritual

journeying,oranyothersharingthatthepartnershipdoesn’tprovide.Yourshared

rolemakesyoupartofafamily’secology,partofwhatmakesitrunsmoothly,and

isbothajoyandaresponsibilitynottobetakenlightly.

LOVERTOACOUPLE

Sometimes sexual connection comes together quite beautifully between multiple

people—athreesome,aquad,orwhatever.Ifyouarefortunateenoughtohavethis

experience, you can expect to honor the relationship that you are privileged to

shareinandtobehonoredasaveryspecialmemberofthatrelationship.Thesex

canbeveryluxurious—thinkofwhatcanbedonewiththoseextrapairsofhands!—

andfeaturevariousconfigurationsoftwoononeortwoontwoorthreeonone

or….Howdelicioustohavemultiplepeoplespoilingyou,howfascinatingtoshare

theactivelovemakingwithothers,avirtuososymphonywhenyougetpracticedat

it.

Theremaybetimeswhensomeonehaslittletodoandcouldfeelleftout.When

thathappenstoyou,thinkabouthowanextrapairofhandsmightbeusefulin

whatever the others are doingandgently joinin.One time,in such a moment,

Dossiewastemporarilyleftoutwhilethecouplewhowereherloverswerehaving

intercourse with each other. She felt a little shy, thought about joining in, and

thennoticedthatthesetwopeople,whohadbeentogetherforquiteafewyears,

were amazingly graceful in their deep connection with each other, so Dossie

settledintowatchforawhileandwasquitecontentjusttowitnesssuchbeauty.

Whentheywerethrough,theywelcomedDossieintotheirembrace,andfurther

delightsoccurredthatwerewellworthwaitingfor.

Youcan,ifyouchoose,gettobeallaboutfunandleavetheheavystufftothe

partnerswhowillgohomewithoneanotherafterward.Ormaybeyou’dratherbe

there to help out when the kids allcome down with chickenpox. Do remember

thatthereisprivilegeinbeinganoutsidepartner:asonefriendofoursputsit,“I

gettobedessert!”

GROUPS

Whenyourloverhasawholebunchofpartners,makingagreementscanlooklike

majortreatynegotiations.Perhapstheothermemberswanttomeetandapprove—

that’s an easy one. Some will want outside partners to clearly understand the

group’s limits and boundaries, especially about safer sex, which is great. We are

veryhappytoseethatsomepolygroupsareverythoughtfulabouthowtheymake

connectiontoanewpersonandarewillingtotakethetimetogetthingsright.

Somegroupsmight want you tojoin in onewayor another—havingsex with

the group, moving in with the group, becoming part of a group marriage—that

mayormaynotfitforyou.You,ofcourse,gettolookatwhat’sbeingaskedand

decidewhetherthatiswhatyouwant,andtodefineyourowndesiresandlimits.

Many initial disagreements can eventually be negotiated if all the parties

involved are open-minded and operating in good faith. And if they aren’t, you

mightbebetterofflearningthatrightatthestart.Onefriendofoursconnected

withapersonwhohadtwoprimarypartnersandwantedourfriendasasecondary.

Butwhenourfriendaskedwhatwouldhappeniftheyweretoacquireaprimary

partner,thenewfriendssaid,“Oh,no,thatwouldn’tbeacceptable.”Soourfriend

optedout.

Mostgroupmarriagesandcircleswehaveencounteredaremuchmorelightly

heldandfloweasilywithnewpartnerswhomaysomedayjointhegroupatlarge,

overtime,andonestepatatime.Dossiebelongedtoonesuchfamilywhenher

daughter was a baby. There were no formal membership requirements, and

everyone fit together and grew together as they went along, with partnerships

forming and separating and reforming on their own timetables, and everyone

responsibleforthewholegangofchildren.Thisadaptivearrangementworkedvery

wellforquiteafewyears—notforever,butforagood,happy,memorablelongtime.

SingleSoliloquy

Dossiewrites:

Someoneataworkshoponceaskedme:“Don’tyougetlonely,livingalone?”It

tookmeasecondtounderstandthathewasn’ttryingtomakemefeelbad.

Whatanacheheinnocentlyopenedinme.Ihadtosay:“Yes,ofcourseIget

lonely.”Andyet…

Ihavelivedabouthalfmyadultlifesingle.Somethingsarehardtodoby

yourself.Iboughtmyfirsthouseafewyearsago.HowIyearnedforapartner!

ButImanaged,somehow.Idealtwithmyfears,aswellaswithrealtorsand

mortgagebrokersandroofersandinspectors,andnowIhaveasweetlittle

homeinthewoods:likeme,itisminetosharewithotherswhenandhowI

choose.

SomeoneaskedmeifIfearedbeingaloneinmyoldage.Iamnowinmy

seventies,andyoubetI’mafraidofthat.Idohavearolemodel—mymother

outlivedmyfatherbyalmostthirtyyears.

Nothinglastsforever.Istillcravethethrilloffallinginlove,thedreamofa

romancesomagicalitcouldneverfade.AndIknowbetter.ButIamaperson

whoprefersburningpassiontosweetreason,andIdon’tconsidermyselfvery

goodatcompromise.Mycompromiseformyownsurvivalistolearntolive

singleandtomakeaverygoodlifeofit:alifelongcommitmenttomyself.

In1969,whenIwasfirstaslutonpurposeandababyfeminist,Idecidedto

livesingleforfiveyearssoIcoulddiscoverwhoImightbewhenI’mnottrying

tobesomebody’swife.ButhowwasIgoingtomakethatwork?Ididn’twantto

liveandraisemychildinacoldworldwithnoaffectionorintimacy,soIdevised

aschemeforsharinglovewithloversIhadnointentionoflivingwith.

IinventedwaysthatIcouldtaketheriskystepsofsharingaffectionopenly

withpeopleIhadnot“secured,”ifIcancallitthat.ItoldthemwhatIlikedabout

them.Igood-mouthed.Isoughtoutopportunitiestobedemonstrative.I

insistedoncallingthefeelingsIhadforeachofmyloversbytheirtruename:

love.AndwhenIhadthecouragetobeloving,theresultwasthatIgotalotof

loveback.SharinganopenaffectionforwhoandwhatIlovearoundmehas

becomethefoundationofmywayoflife,whetherornotIamlivingwitha

partner.

Iamconfidentthatthisapproachcanworkforeveryone,whatevertheir

lifestyle:wouldn’titbeafineworldifweallmadeitapointtohonorandcherish

andopenlyvalueeverypersonwemakeaconnectionwith?

Iliveinthecountry,andIfeelthissamekindofheart-openinglovewhenI

walkonabeachorlookattheworldfromthetopofasmallmountainor

discover,aroundsomebendinatrail,atwo-thousand-year-oldtreestandingin

majesty.Ifeelnodesperation,noranydesiretocling.Ijustfeelhappy.

DoIsometimesfeellonely?Sure.DoIlovemylife?Immensely.SometimesI

thinkIamtheluckiestpersonintheworld.

THEEBBANDFLOWOFRELATIONSHIPS

Weobserve,withmuchdelight,thenumberofouroldloverswecountamongour

presentfriends,andwemarvelathowsexualrelationshipscandevelopintofamily

memberships.Thereisarealitylimithere:youhaveonlytwenty-fourhoursaday

todevotetoyourlovelife,andpresumablyyouneedsomeofthosehoursforwork

andsleepandsoon,soyouhaveafiniteamountoftimetodevotetoeachofyour

lovers.Youcanfitonlyacertainnumberofpeopleinyourlifeandexpecttodo

anyofthemjustice.

Wefindthatmostpeopledookaylettingtheirpartnerscomeandgoasitfeels

right for each of them. Extended family sexual relationships are more likely to

growapartthantobreakup.Oneofthewonderful things aboutbuildingsexual

friendshipsisthat,whilepastrelationshipsandsmalleraffairsmaycomeandgo

overtheyears,eachpairinghasitsowncharacteristicanduniqueintimacy.You

createthisintimacythewayyoulearntorideabike—bytrialanderror,slipping

andfalling,andultimatelyzoomingalongtogether.Justlikeridingabike,you’ll

neverforgetthisparticularintimacy oryourownroleinit.Even afterthemost

bitterofseparations,whenconflictisclearedandtimehashealedthewounds,you

mayfindthatyoucanslipthatconnectionrightbackonlikeacomfortableold

glove.

Ontheotherhand,sometimesconflictinanintimaterelationshipgoesonso

long,or seemsso impossibleto resolve,thatit threatens the veryfoundation of

thatrelationship.Wehopeyoubringthesamehighlevelofethicsandconcernto

aconflictedrelationshipthatyoubringtoahappyone.

Itis alwaystemptingtorespondtoamajorrelationshipconflict by assigning

blame.Inchildhoodwelearnthatpain,intheformofpunishmentfromourall-

powerfulparents,istheconsequenceofdoingsomethingwrong.Sowhenwehurt,

we try to make sense of it by finding somebody doing something wrong,

preferablysomebodyelse.

Whatisimportanttorememberisthatmostrelationshipsbreakupbecausethe

partnersareunhappywitheachother,andnooneistoblame:notyou,notyour

partner, and not your partner’s lover. Even if someone acted badly or was

dishonest,yourprimaryrelationshipprobablyisn’tfallingapartforthatreason—

relationships tend to end due to their own internal stresses. Even your authors

havetroublerememberingthiswhenweareinthemiddleofabitterbreakup.

Whenyoufindyourselfwantingtoblame,itmayhelptorememberatruismof

relationshipcounseling:anyproblembelongstotherelationshipitself,noteither

of the people in it. It is useless to try to ascertain who is “right” and who is

“wrong”: the question is, what needs to happen next? If you start looking at

conflictsasproblemstobesolvedinsteadoftryingtodecidewhosefaulttheyare,

youhavetakenanimportantfirststepinsolvingthem.

Some people habitually bear the burden of being responsible for everybody’s

emotionalwell-beingandfeelthey’resomehowat fault becausethey’re unableto

magicallymakeeveryone’spainandtroubledisappear.Suchpeopleneedtolearn

toowntheirownbitandleteverybodyelseowntheirs.

It’s also common for one partner to take too little responsibility. People who

havealotoftheirself-esteemconnectedtotheirabilitytomaintainarelationship

mayfeeltheneedtomaketheirpartnerintothevillaintojustifytheirowndesire

toleave.Thisstrategyisunfairtobothofyou:itgivesthe“villain”allthepowerin

therelationshipanddisempowersthe“victim.”Decidingthatyouhavenochoice

buttoleavebecauseyourpartnerissohorribleisdenyingthefactthatthereare

alwayschoices.Ourexperienceisthatrelationshiptroublesarealmostalwaystwo-

sided: if you can acknowledge your own contribution to the problem, you can

worktowardsolvingit.

One huge exception: if your relationship problems include anybody being

physicallyorsexuallyviolent,oremotionallyorverballyabusive,it’stime toget

professionalhelpinlearningtoresolveconflictinanondestructivemanner.Afew

minutes on your favorite search engine will tell you how to get in touch with

groupsinyourareathathelpbothbatteredandbatteringpartners.Onlyyoucan

decidehowmuchdangeryouarein.Ifyoufeelyouareindanger,youreallyneed

to leave, now. Professional support is often a good idea to deal with substance

abuse—no partner, no matter how wonderful, can resolve something like

alcoholismwithlovealone.Ifachildisbeingabusedinanyway,safetybecomes

thefirstpriority,andyouneedtoleaverightnow—youcanworkonresolvingthese

issuesfromasafedistance.

BreakingUp

Ithappens.Goodrelationshipskillsandhighethicsdon’tmeanyougettobewith

the same partner or partners forever and ever. It is our experience that

relationshipschange,peoplegrowoutofthem,peoplechange.Somebreakupsin

our own lives, as we look back with twenty-twenty hindsight, were actually

constructivemovestowardpersonalgrowthandahealthierlifeforeachofus.At

thetime,however,wejustfeltawful.

Ithelpstorememberthatinthecontemporaryworld,abreakupdoesn’thaveto

meanthatyouandyourexdidsomethingdreadful.Mostofuscancountongoing

through a breakup at some time in our lives, possibly quite a few times. Rather

thanhideindenialortortureourselveswithwonderingwhatwedidwrong,what

wouldhappenifwethought,inadvance,abouthowwewouldlikebreakingupto

beinourlives?

When a traditional marriage breaks up, nobody takes that as evidence that

monogamydoesn’twork—sowhydopeoplefeelcompelledtotakeaslut’sbreakup

asevidencethatfreeloveisimpossible?Yourbreakupmaybeforreasonsunrelated

totheopennessofyourrelationship.Atanyrate,itprobablyisn’tevidencethat

youaren’tmeanttobeaslut:youwouldn’thavedoneallthehardworkittakesto

livethiswayifyouhadn’thadastrongdesireforsluthoodinthefirstplace.

“Why do people feel compelled to take a slut’s breakup as evidence that free

loveisimpossible?”

When a relationship shifts dramatically, it’s great if everybody feels calm

enoughtoseparatewithaffectionandequanimity.Butalltoooften,partnerships

breakupinaharshway,withpainful,angry,hurt,and/orbitterfeelings.Griefat

losing a relationship that we had counted on cuts deep, and while we are going

throughthehurtfulprocessofanunwelcomeseparation,noneofusisatourbest.

Awholeconstellationoffriendsandloverscanbeaffectedbythebreakupofany

two partners within, and you may be called upon to support a lover grieving

someonewhoisnotyou.

Ithelpstolookatgrievingasproductivework.Losshasleftaholeinyourlife,

andyouneedtoporeoverwhatyouvaluedasyoufigureouthowyouwanttofill

theemptyspaceandknitthewoundtogether.Youprobablywillneedtodothis

work on your own—your ex can’t do it for you. Feelings of grief, abandonment,

anger, and resentment that are overwhelming today will probably seem sad but

manageableafewmonthsfromnow.Asthemostintensefeelingsdiedown,you

can find a good time to get back into communication with your ex—have some

coffeeorgotoamovieorsomesuch.Itwouldbeashamenottocomeoutofthis

breakupwithatleastafriendship,afterallyou’veshared.

BreakupEtiquetteintheTwenty-FirstCentury

Sadly, many people approach the ending of a relationship as if they have been

givenalicensefordrama,andfurthermore,somepeoplejustcan’tleaveinagood

way. They need someone to blame—a villain, a perpetrator, a bad person—to feel

okayaboutthemselvesortocleartheirconsciences.

TheInternethasprovideduswithfabulousnewtechnologyforaccomplishing

interpersonaldrama—friendingandunfriending,publishingyourwiseandwicked

judgmentsaboutyourrecentlybeloved,spreadingyourindignationlikelavaover

everything.

SowhilesurfingtheWebhasbroughtnewopportunities,tonsofinformation,

and a great many joys into the lives of contemporary sluts, it also offers

unprecedentedopportunitiesforactingout,especiallyduringthesensitiveperiod

surroundingabreakup.

All the rules that tell us who it’s safe to confide in go triple when electronic

communication is involved. If you’re in the habit of using your blog or social-

networkingpageasyourpersonaljournal,pleaseconsiderkeepingaseparatepage—

ifit’sonline,lockitsoyou’retheonlyonewhocanseeit,butweactuallyprefer

paperforthis.Youcanpouroutanger,blaming,grief,andalltheotheremotions

that are important to feel but inappropriate to share with your entire online

community.Thenyoucanburnit.

Asforjuniorhighschoolbehaviorlikemakingabigdramaaboutunfriending

someone on your page—well, just don’t. If it’s no longer appropriate for an

individual to have access to your personal information, consider posting less

personalinformationforawhile…or,ifyouabsolutelymust,simplyremovethat

person from your friends list without comment to them or to anyone else.

Unfriendingsomeonesoyoucanbad-mouththembehindtheirbackissillyand

rude,andthey’llprobablyhearaboutitfromsomemutualfriendanyway.

If you look at advice columns from the early twentieth century, there is

considerablejudgmentabouttherudenessofusingatypewritertowriteapersonal

letter: new technologies often seem very impersonal at first, and email is no

exception. The disadvantage of email and social media is that on a computer

screen,youcan’tuseyourfaceorbodytocommunicate,andemoticonsdon’thelp

much.Thesetechnologiescanbeveryhelpfulinclarifyingapointthatfeelstoo

emotionalordangeroustocommunicatewithyourvoice,butitcanalsocomeoff

soundingalotharsherthanyoumeantit,becauseyoursympatheticsmilegetslost

somewhereintheether.

WhoGetstheFriends?

Oneofthejoyousconsequencesofopensexuallifestylesisthateverybodytendsto

get interconnected in an extended family, sexual circle, or tribe. When a couple

breaks up with lots of pain, then the whole circle is affected. For the people in

pain,itcanfeellikethereisnoprivacy.Yourfriendsandotherloversmaybefull

oftheirownideasaboutwho’sinthe wrong.Ithurts them whenthey feelyour

pain,sotheentirecirclemaystartlookingforsomeonetoblame.

Ethically speaking, the separating pair has some responsibility toward their

intimate circle, and the circle has some responsibility toward the erstwhile pair.

The breakers-up should refrain from trying to split the community. In other

words, don’t demand that all your friends sever whatever friendships they may

have with your ex,and don’t divideyourcommunity upintothose whoareon

yoursideandthosewhoareagainstyou.

“Theseparatingpairhassomeresponsibilitytowardtheirintimatecircle,andthe

circlehassomeresponsibilitytowardtheerstwhilepair.”

Privacyisatouchyissuebecausenoonelikestheconsequencesofgossiprun

amok—butweallneedaconfidanttotellourtroublesto,especiallyinhardtimes.

Sometimes separating couples can make agreements about who it’s okay to talk

about private matters and who we would rather not have familiarized with our

dirtylinen.

Ifyoufeelthatyouandyourexshouldnotbeatthesamepartiesforawhile,

youneedtoworkthatoutwitheachotherandnotwindupscreamingatyourhost

forhavinginvitedbothofyoutothesameevent.Itisparticularlyunethicaltocall

upthehostofacertainpartyanddemandthatyourexbedisinvitedortothreaten

nottocomeifyourexisinvited.Thisamountstofoistingyourworkoffonyour

friends.Itisyourtasktosetyourboundaries,tomakeagreementswithyourex—

and,ifyoufindyourselffeelingbadinanyplacewhereyourexisalsosocializing,

itisyourdecisionwhethertostayorleave.Ifyouwindupdecidingthatyouwant

toattendthiseventsomuchthatyouwilljusthavetodealwithyourex’spresence,

goodforyou:youwillgetsomepracticeatsharingsocialspacewithyourex,which

you are going to need to do eventually unless one of you moves to Timbuktu.

Eventually, with practice, you will get good at dealing with your feelings about

yourex,allthiswillhurtless,andyouwillbeclosertoachievingresolutionand

evenpossiblyfriendshipafterabitterbreakup.

Your circle of friends and family is responsible for not getting split, for

listening without judging, and for understanding that all of us think harsh

thoughtswhilewearebreakingup.Validatehowbadyourfriendfeelsandtakeany

condemnations with a grain of salt. The exception to this rule occurs when a

breakupisbasedontherevelationofseriousissues,likerape,domesticviolence,

ordestructivesubstanceabuse:therearenoeasyanswershere,becauseacircleof

sexualpartnersreallydoesneedtomakejudgmentsaboutthesethings.Butmost

of the time, the accusations are about what a thoughtless, selfish, insensitive,

needy,bitchy,dishonest,manipulative,passive-aggressive,rude,andstupidasshole

that ex-partner is; we have all been all of these at some time or another, so we

shouldbeabletounderstandandforgive.

HappyEndingsArePossible

Whilebreakupsareveryhardforallconcerned,andwhileweunderstandthatyou

mayfeelveryangry,sad,abandoned,orilltreatedforawhile,weimploreyouto

rememberthatyoursoon-to-be-ex-partnerisstillthesameterrificpersonyouused

tolove;burnnobridges.Janetsays:

Afterourdivorce,Finnwasveryangrywithmeandprettydepressed,andIfelt

veryguilty.Still,forthesakeofthekidsofwhomwehadjointcustody,wemade

apointofstayingoncivilterms.Now,thirtyyearslater,Icounthimamongmy

bestfriendsandwoundupbeingoneofhissupportpeopleduringhisserious

illnessacoupleofyearsback.Ifwe’dbeenawfultooneanotherbackwhen

thingswererawanddifficult,Idon’tthinkwe’dbeabletobeonsuchgood

termstoday,andwe’dbothhavemissedoutonaveryimportantandrewarding

friendship.

Smartslutsknow,eveniftheysometimesforgetintheheatofconflict,thata

breakupneednotmeantheendofarelationship—itmaybe,instead,ashifttoa

different kind of relationship, possibly a relationship between courteous

acquaintancesorfriendsormaybeevenlovers.

Dossierelates:

IdatedBillfortwoyears,duringwhichourconnectiononalllevelswas

wonderfultome,especiallyanintensesexualconnection:weexploredawhole

lotoffirststogether.Sowemovedintogether,andthatlastedforallofsix

monthsbeforeweblewupinamassivefightandseparated.Wereallydidhave

verydifferentlifegoals.Itwasaboutayearbeforewecouldbearoundeach

othermuch,butthenwestarteddatingagain,andthesexwasevenhotterand

moreprofoundthanbefore.Wewoundupgettingtogetheronceamonthorso

forthefollowingnineyears,asgoodfriendsandlovers,continuingthelovely

steamysexthathadbroughtustogetherinthefirstplace.

EXERCISE:AHEALTHYBREAKUP

Makeupthreebrief,differentstoriesaboutahealthyconstructive

breakup. Include details about how each person could work

through difficult feelings. Invent agreements for right after the

breakup,forsixweekslater,andforsixmonthslater.

One of the nice things about being an ethical slut is that your relationships

don’thavetobeeither/or:youmayhaveasmanywaysofrelatingtoyourfriends

andloversasyouhavefriendsandlovers.Onceyouhavesurvivedabreakup,nota

lotworsecangodown.Arelationshipwithanexisrealsecurity,afriendshipwith

someonewhohasseenyouatyourworst.Whenweknowsomeoneasdeeplywedo

our exes, with their complete complement of flaws and failings, we have the

foundation of a truly intimate and important relationship that can continue to

change,grow,andprovidesupportformanyyearstocome.AsEdnaSt.Vincent

Millaywrote:

Afterall,myerstwhiledear,

Mynolongercherished,

Needwesayitwasn’tlove

Justbecauseitperished?

SEXANDPLEASURE

Sex is nice and pleasure is good for you. We’ve said this before, and it bears

repeating. Your authors have enjoyed sex for its own sake, naturally and

comfortably,butwewantyoutoknowthatitwasn’talwaysthiseasyforus.Ina

culturethatteachesthatsexissleazy,nasty,dirty,anddangerous,apathtoafree

sexualitycanbe hardtofindandfraughtwith perils. Ifyouchoosetowalkthis

path, we congratulate you and offer you support, encouragement, and—most

important of all—information. Start with the knowledge that we, and just about

everybody else who enjoyssex without strictures,learnedhowtobethis way,in

spiteofthesocietywegrewupin.Andthatmeansyoucanlearn,too.

WhatIsSex,Anyway?

Thewordsexgetsusedasthougheveryoneagreesonwhatitmeans,butifyouask

peoplewhattheyactuallydowhentheyhavesex,you’llhearaboutahugerangeof

behaviorsandinteractions.

Wehavetalkedbeforeaboutsexbeingpartofeverythingandabouteverything

beingpartofsex.Nowlet’stalkaboutthepartsthatmostpeoplecallsex—theparts

that involve lips and nipples and clits and cocks and orgasms. Sex may involve

theseparts,butwedon’tthinkit’saboutthem;the genitals andother erogenous

zonesarethe“how,”notthe“what.”

The “what”—what sex actually is—is a journey into an extraordinary state of

consciousness,wherewetuneouteverythingextraneoustoouremotionsandour

sensesinthisverymoment,travelintoarealmofdelicioussensation,andsoakin

thedeepconnection.Thisjourneyisavoyageofawakening,asifthenerveswhose

jobitis totransmitfeelings of delight hadbeen lying asleepbut havesuddenly

leapttoattention,aflame,inresponsetoanibbleoracaress.

Perhapswhatwecallforeplayisawayofseeingjusthowawakewecanget—all

excited attention from the tips of our toes out to the ends of our hair—the

pricklingofthescalp,thetinglinginthearchofthefoot.Thegloriousmiracleof

sexual anatomy is that any of these awakenings can set off the swelling in the

loins, lips, nipples, butts, cocks, and cunts, which awakens lots more intense

nervousnetworksburiedinsideus,untilwearealllituplikefireworks.

Sex is anything you do or think or imagine that sets the train in motion: a

scene in a movie, a person on the street you think is hot, swelling buds of

wildflowersburstinginameadow,afragrancethatopensyournose,thewarmsun

on the back of your head. Then, if you want to pursue these gorgeously sexy

feelings,you canincrease theswelling tension,andyoursensualfocus,with any

kindofthinkingortouchingortalkingthathumanscandevise:stroking,kissing,

biting,pinching,licking,vibrating,nottomentioneroticartanddanceandhot

musicandsilkystuffnexttoourskin.

Sosexcoversamuchlargerterritorythangenitalstimulationleadingtoorgasm.

Sexthat’slimitedtoperfunctoryforeplayandthenaracedowntheexpresstrackto

orgasmisaninsulttothehumancapacityforpleasure.

Here’sahappywaytoanswerthequestionofwhatissex:ifyouoryourpartner

iswonderingwhetheryou’rehavingsexatanygivenmoment,youprobablyare.

Weliketouseanexpandeddefinitionofsex,includingmorethangenitals,more

than intercourse,more thanpenetration,and, whilewedefinitely wouldn’t leave

themout,muchmorethanthestimulationsthatleadtoorgasm.Weliketothink

thatallsensualstimulationissexual,fromasharedemotiontoasharedorgasm.

“Sex that’s limited to perfunctory foreplay and then a race down the express

tracktoorgasmisaninsulttothehumancapacityforpleasure.”

Whenweexpandourconceptofwhatsexis,andletthatbewhateverpleasesus

today,wecanfreeourselvesfromwhatwecallthetyrannyofhydraulics,thechore

of timing everything to suit an erection, interruptions for birth control and

barriers,ifwedecidethatoutercourseisperfectlygoodsexinandofitself.

Pleasureisgoodforyou.Sodowhatpleasesyouanddon’tletanybodyelsetell

youwhatyououghttolike.

BringingCleanLovetoSex

Rememberthecleanlove,inthemomentandwithoutexpectations,thatwetalked

aboutearlierinthisbook?It’saskillyoucanbringtoyoursexlife,andit’sbased

ongettingpresentandacceptingyourself.

Castyourmindbacktoyourchildhood,sometimeyourememberbeinghappy.

Children are naturally adept at being in the moment. To recover that

consciousness,takeyourselftoaparkandinvestigatethatinterestingtwigyou’ve

foundintheinterestingdirt.Gotoabeach,takeyourshoesoff,andwadeatthe

water’sedge:howdoyourtoesfeelinthegrass,thesand,thesurf?Digaholein

the sand while the tide is coming in. Pay attention to your surroundings; pay

attentiontoyourexperience.

Then pay that same rapt, joyous attention to your beloved; this will probably

feelgood.Sodoitsomemore—youareaniceperson,soisyourbeloved,andyou

bothdeservetofeelgood.

Handsonskinisagreatwaytogetintothepresent,intoconnection,andinto

love.Findsomelotionandmassageyourlover’sfeet.Taketurns.Putasidefuture

tripping: will this lead to sex? Who cares? The two of you are in the moment,

feelingyourfeet.

Yourauthorsareinnowayopposedtotheintensebeautyofgenitalsex.Butall

ofusneedtoworkonpayingattentiontowhatwefeelinthemomentandtohow

thatconnects us tothe peoplewelove.We arenotinthe momentwhileweare

planningthefuture.Toomuchwonderfulsensualjoygetslostinprojectingwhat

willhappennext.Learntoenjoymystery,thatlittlefrissonupthespinewhenyou

realizethatyou’reonapathtosomethinginteresting.Followthatpathandfind

out where it meanders; appreciate the miracle. Don’t miss the glories of the

momentinyourzealtozoomuptothecrotchlikeasuperhighway,fastas ever

youcan.Efficiencyisnotwhatwe’relookingforhereandnow.

Thefeetarerelaxing,youhearagroanofecstasy:shouldyouslideyourhandup

thatgorgeousleg?Oops!Letgoofthatandgetbacktothosetender,sensitivefeet.

Nobodycanrelaxandfeeltheirfeetifthey’reworryingaboutwhatyouaregoing

to do next. When you bring your full attention to making those feet feel better

thantheyhaveeverfeltbefore,you’reinthemomentandsoisyourpartner,lost

intheblissofatingling,creamyinstep.Then,thismightbeagoodtimetoclimb

upyour partner,wrapthemup in a huge hug,savorthatforafew minutes,and

thenwhisper:“Wouldyouliketogofurther?”

Whatever“further”maybe,vowtostaypresentwiththat,too.Perfectpresence

andacceptanceisanideal,perhapsnevertobeperfectlyachievedbuttranscendent

eveninthetrying.It’sajoyouspracticeoflettinggoofwhat’snotneededright

now, washing away all the grit and dust of your histories and expectations, and

opening yourself as completely as possible to meeting another person in the

fullnessofyouropen,waitingheart.

WhatObstaclesDoYouFace?

Goodsexseemsasthoughitoughttobeeasy—butoften,inourexperience,itis

not.Everythingfromignorancetodistractioncangetinthewayofresponsible,

enjoyablesex.Here’sourA-listoffun-spoilers.

SEX-NEGATIVECULTURALMESSAGES

Manyofusstartoutparalyzedbyshameandembarrassment,evenafterwefigure

outthatwedon’twanttobeembarrassedbysex.Thebeliefsweweretaught—that

ourbodies,ourdesires,andsexaredirtyandwrong—makeitveryhardtodevelop

healthysexualself-esteem.Manyofusspentouradolescencesconsumedwithguilt

for our sexual desires, our fantasies, and our masturbation, long before we

managedtogettogetherwithanotherhuman.Whenwedidconnectwithothers,

many of us spent those encounters obsessing about our performance, so busy

worryingwhetherweweredoingitwrongthatweforgottonoticehowgooditfelt.

When our desires and fantasies stretch further than a monogamous marriage

with a member of the opposite sex, we suffer additional attacks on our self-

acceptance—tosome,wearesex-crazedperverts,objectsofscorntoothersand,all

toooften,ourselves.Accordingtosomepeople,evenGodhatesus.It’shardtofeel

goodabout an expansive sexuality when you feel sobad about yourself thatyou

justwanttohide.

BODYIMAGE

None of uslooks sexy enough.The advertising andfashionindustries see fitto

linetheir coffers by makingusallfeelbadaboutourbodiessothatwewillbuy

moreclothes,makeup,evencosmeticsurgery,inadesperateattempttofeelokay

abouthowwelooktoothers.Eventhoseluckysoulswhoareyoungandthinand

cutesufferfromconstantworryabouthowtheylook:whyelsedoyouthinkthey

throngtoplasticsurgeonsandcosmeticians?

Themorepeopleyouwanttosharesexwith,themorepeopleyouaregoingto

havetoexposeyournakedbodyto,sothereyouare.Toenjoyafreesexuality,you

needtocome totermswith the body youare living in,unlessyouwanttowait

untilyoulosetwentypounds,whichcouldtakeforever.Oruntilyoulookyounger

—don’tholdyourbreath.Doremember:yoursexinessisabouthowyoufeel,not

howyoulook.

“Themorepeopleyouwanttosharesexwith,themorepeopleyouaregoingto

havetoexposeyournakedbodyto.”

AGEANDDISABILITY

Itisfoolishandrudetoassumethatpeoplewithphysicaldisabilitiesdon’tenjoy

sex. Differently abled people may engage in differently organized forms of

sexuality,butthatdoesn’tmeannosexatall.Peoplewithspinalcordinjurieswho

havelostallsensationbelowtheneckreportorgasms:thereisalessonforallofus

abouthowsensitiveourearsandlipscanactuallyget.

Sexforapersonwithphysicaldisabilitiesisnotthatdifferentfromanyother

formofsex.Focus onwhatyoucando, whatyoucanfeel, whatfeels good,and

howtogoaboutexperiencingthemostintensefeelingsthatthisparticularbody

canfeel.Learnaboutyourbodyjustasanyotherpersondoes.Whatsupportsyou

in moving or reaching? How can you deal with any medical appliances? What

safetyprecautionsmustyoukeepinmind?

Most important of all, what do you like? People who have lost physical

sensation inaccidentsmay spendalong timerediscovering whatthisnewbody

candoandfeel—findingwhatfeelsgoodisthejoyfulpartofthejourney.People

disabledfrombirthorchildhoodoftengettreatedasnonsexualbeings;theymay

needtoworkwhentheygrowuptodiscoverwhattheirsexualitycanbe.

Don’t forget the advantages of using tools—vibrators tap into the entire

electrical grid for their strength and endurance and never get repetitive stress

injuries.Implementscanreachwherearmsmaynot,andpillowscanpropupany

limbsthatneedpropping.Sexwithourvoices—dirtytalkandphonesex—iswithin

the capabilities of many who cannot manage some of the physical stuff.

Medications—hormones that keep vaginas flexible and moist, pills that help

sustainerections—canhelpwithsomeofthesexualchangesthatrelatetoagingor

healthissues.

Investigate possibilities. Whether disabilities are visible or invisible (like

asthma or diabetes), you get to explore what works for you and get cooperation

fromyourpartnerstoworkaroundanythingyourbodycan’tdo.

If being a lover to a physically challenged person is hard to imagine, don’t

forgetthatonedayyouwillbe old—at whatagedoyou plantogive upenjoying

sex?Willyoujustgiveupatthefirstbitofarthritisthatinterruptsanicethrash

with a painful twinge? We do hope this book supports you in grasping your

sexuality in any way that works for you. Remember, the most important sexual

organisalwaysfoundbetweentheears.

SEXDISINFORMATION

Anotherobstacleonourcourseisinaccurateorjustplainbadinformationabout

sex.Formanyyears,informationaboutsexualbehaviorandbasicfunctioningwas

censored, along with most other discussions of sexual pleasure. Depending on

where you live in the culture now, you may or may not have access to good

information.Weneedtobecomeactivists,fightingtoprotectourrighttoaccurate

andpositiveinformationaboutsex.

To acquire a basic knowledge of sexual functioning and the sexual response

cycle, we recommend strongly that you read one or several good books. Books

aboutsexprovidealotofinformation—morethanwecangiveyouinachapter—

abouthowsexworksandwhatyoucandoaboutitwhenitisn’tworkingaswellas

you’dlike.Self-helpexercisesareusuallyprovidedforconcernsabouterectionsor

orgasms,timing,comingtoosoonortooslowly,andwhattodowhenyoucan’t

findyourturn-on.Youcanlearnmorestrategiesforsafersexandbirthcontroland

more language so you can more easily talk with your partners about all of this

goodstuff.Somecleverslutsreadachapteraweekofagoodbookwithapartner

and perhaps talk about it on Friday over dinner—a nice way to prepare for the

weekend.

ThesedaysthereisalsoalotofinformationanddiscussionontheInternet.We

applaudthisfreedomofinformation,andwealsowantyoutobecarefulbecause

much of the information you read and hear about sex will be inaccurate.

Moreover,alotofsexontheInternetisporn,whichiswrittenanddirectedand

stage-managed to turn people on, not teach them, and which often contains

behaviors that are unrealistic for real people in real bodies in real bedrooms.

Because sexology is such a new science, and because research into what people

actuallydoinsexisdifficulttocompileandofteninconclusive,fairytalesabound,

andrealitycanbehardtocomeby.Collectalltheinformationyoucan,usewhat

worksforyou,andtakeitallwithagrainofsalt.

Thebestpartoflearningaboutsexisthatyou’lllovethehomework.

SPEECHLESSNESS

Ifyoucan’ttalkaboutsex,howcanyouthinkaboutit?Thehistoricalcensorship

ofdiscussionaboutsexhasleftuswithanotherinability:theactoftalkingabout

sex,ofputtingwordstowhatwedoinbed,hasbecomedifficultandembarrassing.

Althoughmostofushavehadtheexperienceoffailedsexualfunctioninginone

wayoranother,mostofusnevergetthechancetogetsupportfromourfriends

andloversaboutit—sexualdysfunctionbecomesoursecretshame,apositionfrom

whichitisvirtuallyimpossibletofigureoutawaytofunctionbetter.

What little language we can use to talk about sex is riddled with negative

judgments. Either you speak in medical language of vulvas and penile

intromission, or you have gutter language (fucking cunt, hard dick) that makes

everythingsoundlikeaninsult.Whatyoucan’ttalkabout,youcanhardlythink

about.Peoplewhocan’tusewordsoftenresorttotryingtocommunicatewithout

words:pressingtheirpartner’sheaddownward,movingtheirhipstotrytogetthat

tongueinjusttherightplace,feigningecstasywhenahandstraysinvaguelythe

right direction…while hoping desperately that the bewildered partner will figure

out what they’re trying to ask for. Wouldn’t it be easier if we could just say, “I

wouldreallyloveitifyouranyourfingeraroundmyclitinacircleinsteadofup

anddown”or“Ineedyoutograbmydickmuchharder”?

GOALORIENTATION

Thetyrannyofhydraulicsisatremendousobstacletoterrificsex,andnotinthe

waythatthemanufacturersofcertainmedicationswouldhaveyoubelieve.Many

people believe that if there is no penis with an erection, nothing sexy is

happening. (Lesbians, of course, disagree vehemently.) Many penis owners feel

theycan’tevenengageinforeplaywhiletheyaresoft,andmanyoftheirpartners

are insulted if they discover a soft penis. Still more people are completely

nonplussed if the penis in question decides to release at a time that is

inconvenientfortherestoftheactivity,asiftherewerenosexafterejaculation.

Wewanttoencourageyoutothinkbeyondthehydraulicsoferectionandallow

your playful explorations to go wherever they want to go, no matter where the

participantsmaybeinthesexualresponsecycle.

When sex becomes goal-oriented, we may race to orgasm with such single-

mindedfocusthatweneverevennoticeallthelovelysensationsthatcomebefore

(and,forthatmatter,after).Whenweconcentrateourattentionongenitalsexto

theexclusionoftherestofourbodies,weareexcludingmostofourselvesfromthe

transaction. When we ignore most of the good parts, we increase our chance of

developingsexualdysfunctionandwemissoutonalotofdeliciouspossibilities.

GENDERROLES

Tobetrulyfreetoexploreoursexualpotentialtothefullest,mostofusneedto

examine how we have been taught that someone of our gender is supposed to

enjoy sex. Many of us were taught that it is natural for men to be sexually

aggressiveandforwomentobepassiveresponders.Yourauthorslikeboththese

rolesandmanyothers,too.Whenitcomestowhatfeelsgood, weareall highly

individualhumanbeings.

Whensomeoneisforbiddentobereceptive,theyarenotallowedforeplayorto

ask foranysensory inputatall.Sothenifthey arenotautomaticallyturnedon

whentheirpartneris,theymaywindupthinkingthey’reimpotent,whenallthey

needisalittlenibblingontheears.

Those whose upbringing has consigned them to passivity can fall into the

Sleeping Beauty trap—someday my prince will come, and so will I. In the real

world, however, someone who is allowed to take their turn at being the active

partneriswellonthewaytowardfiguringoutforthemselvesandtheirloverswhat

worksforthemtogetreally,reallyhot.

Activeandreceptivearebothgreatroleswhenthey’renotdependentongender.

Thinkoforalsex—issixty-ninethe onlywaytoenjoyit?Oristhereaparticular

delightintakingturns?Whenwefocusontheactiverole,wecanallbegreatlovers

andgetoffonourpartner’spleasure.Whenit’sourturntoreceive,wecantruly

appreciatethegiftwearebeinggiven,nottomentionfeelingfreetothrashand

shriekandotherwisedivecompletelyintohowwonderfulitfeels.

“Active and receptive are both great roles when they’re not dependent on

gender.”

We’dlovetoseeaworldwhereeverybodyknewhowmuchlovelysextheyhave

togiveintheactiveroleandhowmuchtheygivetheirpartnerwhentheyreceive.

HowCanWeLearnGoodSex?

Themythologyhasitthatonceyoustarthavingsex,itwillallcomenaturally—and

ifitdoesn’t,thenyoumusthavesomedeep-seatedpsychologicalproblem,right?

We’re not sure why sex stands alone in this regard. If you want to get good at

anything, from cooking to tennis to astrophysics, you’re going to have to put

someeffortandtimeintolearninghow.

Onefriendofourshadherfirstorgasmattheageofthirty-four,afterreading

forthefirsttimeinoneofthesexmanualsthatbecamepopularintheearly1970s

thatitwasokayforhertomasturbate—she’dgrownupinthegenerationthatwas

told masturbation would make you sick or crazy. This is a horrible story—how

manyyearsoforgasmsdidthiswomanmissbecauseofbadinformation?

Whateveryoudonowyoulearnedsomewhere,somehow,soyoucanlearnnew

ordifferentsexualskillsandhabitsifyouchoose.Learningrequiressomeeffort,

buttherewardsaregreat,andweknowyouwillbebraveandpersistent.Manyof

the books we recommend include exercises you can use to expand your sexual

skillsandyourrepertoire—trythem.

TalkDirty

Talk to people about sex. Ask them about their experience and share yours. A

friend of ours used to believe that she was the only person in the world whose

cheeksgotsorefromsuckingabigcock.Talkingtoafewfriendsletherknowthat

she was in the majority. Talk to your intimates and any friends or people you

respect who are accessible to you. Breaking the ice can be scary at first, but

establishingdiscussionaboutsexwithyourfriendsandloverswillbewellworth

riskingafewminutesofembarrassmentasyougetstarted.Ifyoufindyoucan’t

talkintimatelyandexplicitlyaboutsexwithyourfriendsandlovers,thenhowcan

youdealwithaproblemortrysomethingnew?

IfSexIsNoLongerSexy

Anyonecandevelopsomeresistancetosex,eitherfromfearofnotdoingitwell

themselves or from disappointment in not getting their needs or their dreams

fulfilled.Onceanypartofsexhasbecomedifficult,ifitisn’tdiscussedanddealt

with,resentmentscanbuildup.Respondingtoresistancebygettingsopushythat

you’re ignoring your partner’s signals is definitely not an answer. Sweeping

someoneofftheirfeetwhentheydon’twantyoutoonlyworksinmovies.What

youcandoisinvitethemtocollaboratewithyouonastrollthroughthegardenof

earthlydelightsanddiscoverwhatpleasesbothofyou.

Itisveryrarethateveryonehasexactlythesamedesireforsex—thatwouldbe

like insisting that everyone should have identical patterns of tidiness. To get

through times when one partner is hungry for sex and another is starving for

sleep,apositiveattitudetowardmasturbationisabigplus.Ifyoureallywanttobe

theworld’sgreatestlover,andyouwanttoknowexactlywhatpleasesyourpartner

the most, try masturbating in the same room. Who knows, you might like to

watch—wefinditatremendousturn-on.Watchingorshowing,youwillteachand

learn each other’s individual pattern of pleasure and become the most perfectly

satisfiedloversthatevercouldbe.

So your first slut skill in keeping it hot is to talk to each other about the

practicalaspectsofwhatworksforeachofyouandschemetogethertoovercome

anyproblems.Knowledgeisthemostpowerfulaphrodisiac.

WhatDoYouWant?

Some lovers develop a groove, a satisfying script for sex that reliably works for

bothofthem.Experimentingwith newsensationsinyour sex lifedoesn’tmean

giving up your groove; instead, you can add some new tricks to your excellent

repertoire.What’salreadyagoodthingwillremaingood,andyouwillreturntoit

againandagainlikeawellthathasverysweetwater.

Ifthegroovehasbecomearut,ifitfeelslikeachore,ifitisasourceofrepeated

disappointment,it’stimetotalkaboutexpandingyouroptions.Nowmightbea

good time to do the “Yes, No, Maybe” exercise in this chapter, being sure to

includethingsthatyou’venevertriedbutmightliketo.Lookingatyourlover’s

listmaybeamiteshockingforstarters—“Ineverknewyouhatedthat!”—butafter

yourecoverfromanysurprises,yougettostartintothefuturewithalotofuseful

information about what works for everyone. And taking that tiny risk to reveal

whatyouactuallywantmightjustbeagreatturn-on.

Compare your patterns of desire and particularly look at the spectrum from

brief encounters to production numbers. Do you like to have friendly, warm,

cuddly sex? Do you like swift rocket trips surging to release? Do you dream of

ecstaticjourneysthatcouldtakeupmostofSaturdayandmaybesomeofSunday

morning?Goodsextravelstherangefrombreadandbuttertofancydessertsthat

take enchanting hours to concoct. Production numbers obviously can’t happen

everyday,butluckilyyoudon’thavetochoose—youcanhavesomeofeach.

Start by setting aside some time for pleasure. This may be harder than you

think, but it’s very important. Waiting until the kids are in bed, the emails are

answered, all social media have been checked, and you’ve watched the evening

news and clucked over the terrible state of the world is a recipe for

disappointment.Scheduleitthewayyou’dscheduleanythingelsethat’simportant

toyou,atatimewhenyou’remostlikelytohaveplentyofenergyforit,andstick

toyourschedulewheneverpossible.

FindingYourTurn-OnTogether

Turn-onisnotthesameashard-on.Turn-onisaboutgettingintothemood,about

gettingreadytofocusonsensualandeventuallysexualsensation.

Toomanyofusbelievethatturn-onissomethingthathappenstouslikethe

weather.Here’sanaffirmationforyou:“Iknowmyturn-onisinheresomewhere,

andIcanfigureouthowtofindit.”

Turn-onsmaybevisual,verbal,orsensual;theymayrelyontouch,sound,smell,

orthesensationsofmusclesstretchingandflexing.Thereareathousandandmore

waystogetturnedon.Makealistofyourfavoriteturn-ons—nothowyouliketo

getoff,buthowyouliketogetstarted.Gettingturnedonissortoflikegetting

high or waking up or warming up—you are transitioning from one state of

consciousnesstoanother.Thistakestime,anditfeelsgood.Workingtofindyour

turn-oncanfeelveryvulnerable—butsexwithyourarmoronseldomsatisfies.

Sexologistswhostudyarousaltellusthatturn-ondependsontwothings:safety

andrisk.Youneedtofeelsafefromharmandsecurethatyourconditionswillbe

metandyourwantsandneedshonored.Youalsoneedtofeelalittlelikebeingat

the top of a ski jump, on the threshold of something miraculous and powerful.

New relationships can be very hot because there is still a lot of riskiness, but

maturerelationshipsneedtoseekoutwaystotakealittlerisk,tostepbeyondthe

comfortableandthefamiliarintosomethingnewandabitchallenging.

INFINITEPOSSIBILITIES

Lookingforyourturn-oncanbealotlikelookingforwaysyoucannourishyour

relationship.Here’salistofsomepossibilitiesyoumightfinduseful:

•Dressup,cleanup,wakeup.

•Prepareyourenvironment—fancysheets,candles,music.

•Allowplentyoftime—startyourdatethreehoursearly,outsomewhere.

•Gotothesexstore.

•Talkaboutyourfantasies(goahead,blush).

•Playaneroticboardgame.

•Massagegentlywithfavoriteoils,niceandslow…maybewithablindfoldon

oneofyou…orbothofyou.

•Getsilly.

•Neckinthecarliketeenagers.

•Holdeachotherwhileyoucry.

•Makeadinnerandeatitwithyourfingers.

•Eatsomeverygoodchocolatesandtasteeachother’slips.

•Readaneroticbooktogether—outloud.

•Watchamovieyoubothfindsexy.

•Gotogethertoastripclub.

•Gotothehottubspaandsoak.

•Goanywhereinnatureandmakeout.

•Makeyourdatesspecialanywayyoucan.

GETCONNECTEDFIRST

There’sareasonwhydatesusuallyincludedinner:dinner,whetheroutorin,isa

greatplacetoconnect,totalk,togetcaughtup,andthenmaybeplotanadventure.

Goingouttodinneralsogivesyoutimetodressupsexy,whichismuchmorefun

thanwashingdishes.

Rememberwhenyouareonadateandwhenyou’renot—somepeopledon’tlike

beingfeltupwhilethey’rewashingthedishes.(Othersdo,ofcourse,soyouhave

tocommunicateaboutthis,too.)

EXERCISE:THEPROCESS-FREEDATE

Agreetogooutanddo somethingyouliketogether.Duringthis

date,donottalkaboutanyproblemsinyourrelationshiporatwork

or with the kids or in the economy or whatever. One couple we

knowwentoutfordinneranddancingandpretendeditwastheir

first date. They danced like teenagers and came home to have

lovelysexthatfeltsomehowrenewed.

INBED

Whenyougettothebed,beingequallyturnedonisnotarequirement;youcan

bothgettherewithalittletimeandcheerfulcooperation.Themorereadyperson

can help the other person catch up. Try what sex therapists call nondemand

pleasuring, which adds up to anything you know your partner likes, without

pushingthemfurther.Tryanexperimentwhereyouagreethatonepartnerwillset

out to arouse the other in the way the receptive partner chooses—with no

obligationsandnoblameifitdoesn’twork.

GoodSexStartswithYou

Wemeanthisquiteliterally.WhenMastersandJohnsonbegantheirresearchinto

sexualfunctioninginthelate1950s,theywantedtostartbylearningaboutgood

sex before researching sexual dysfunction—so they started by selecting 382 men

and312women,including276heterosexualcouples,allofwhomhadsatisfactory

sex lives.One surprising factthey uncovered was thatvirtually all these sexually

satisfied people masturbated—regardless of whether or not they were also having

partneredsex.

Write this on your mirror: sexually successful people masturbate. You are not

jerkingorbuzzing offbecause youarealoser,becauseyoucan’t findanyoneto

playwith,orbecauseyouaredesperatetogetyourrocksoff.You’remakingloveto

yourself because you deserve pleasure, and playing with yourself makes you feel

good.

“Writethisonyourmirror:sexuallysuccessfulpeoplemasturbate.”

EXERCISE:AHOTDATEWITHYOURSELF

Setasideacoupleofhoursforthis.Turnoffthetelephone,lockthe

frontdoor,andgetridofanydistractions.Thenprepareasthough

youwerepreparingforadatewithsomeoneyouwereveryexcited

about:putclean,softsheetsonthebedandplaceallyourfavorite

sex toys near to hand. Next, take a steamy bubble bath with

candles,oraluxuriousshower,accompaniedbysoft,sexymusic.

Style your hair, perfume yourself, trim your nails, rub in lotion so

your skin is soft and touchable all over. Slip into silk boxers or a

sexynightie.Haveaglassofwine,ifyoulike.

Whenyou’reready,turnthelightsdownflatteringlylowandlie

down.Teaseyourselfwithsoft,gentletouchallover,feelingyour

soft hands as though they were the touch of your perfect lover.

Takeyourtime.Tantalizeyourselfwithlotsofforeplay,usingyour

hands,maybeyourmouth,maybeatoyortwo.

Only when you absolutely can’t stand it any more—when you

wouldbebeggingforreleaseiftherewereanyonetheretobeg—

mayyoubringyourselftoclimax,asmanytimesasyoulike.

Lie there and soak up the warm, rich feeling of loving yourself

enoughtogiveyourselfslow,mindfulpleasure.Yourperfectlover

iswaitingforyouanytimeyouwant…rightthereinyourownskin.

Yourrelationshipwithyourselfiswhatyoubringtoarelationshipwithanother

person:itiswhatyouhavetoshare,personally,emotionally,andsexually.Agood

orgasm changes your neurochemistry and nourishes your self-esteem: the sexier

youaretoyourself,thesexieryouwillbetoyourlovers.

People who play with themselves are good lovers. Sex with yourselfis a really

good time to explore new sources of stimulation, like touching yourself in

differentplacesorusingsextoysortryingnewpositions.Becauseyouwillnever

failtonoticewhatdoesn’tfeelgood,youwillalwaysdoitthewaythatfeelsbest,

andtherewillbenoonetogetembarrassedinfrontof.Somasturbationoffersyou

an opportunity to practice all sorts of interesting things: for instance, if one of

your goals is to be able to enjoy more sex before you come, you can practice

relaxation exercises with yourself and learn to slow down and speed up your

responsehoweveryoulike.Ifyourconcernisthatsometimesyouarenotableto

comewhenyouwouldliketo,youcanpayattentiontowhatworksforyouwhen

youhavesex withyourself andteachyour partneryourparticularpreferencesin

sexualstimulation.Trydifferentrhythmsandstimulationssothatyoudon’tget

intoarutofbeingabletogetoffononlyonesensation.Practicemakesperfect,so

masturbatealot.

Start by putting some energy into supporting your own self-esteem and

developing a positive feeling about the body you are inhabiting today—not the

bodyyouplantohavenextyearafteryouworkouteverydayandliveonlettuce.

It’shardtohaveagoodrelationshipwithyourbodywhenallyoudoisyellatit.

Trygivingyourbodytreats:abubblebath,atriptothehottubs,amassage,silk

underwear, anything that feels good. Be nice to your body and then go find

somebodyelse’sbodytobeniceto,andsomebodywillbenicetoyourbody,too.

Someone who has happily given themselves as many orgasms as they want is

unlikely to approach their other relationships in a state of sexual desperation.

Sexualself-sufficiencyisanimportantslutskillthatmakesusfarlesslikelytoplay

withthewrongpersonjustbecausewe’resohorny.Beyourownbestlover.

ToysforEverybody

Don’t forget: grown-ups play with toys. A huge variety of excellent sex toys is

available. While these can be purchased online if you’re shy, we strongly

recommendavisittooneofthehundredsoferoticboutiquesthathavesprungup

inlargeandsmallcitiesallovertheUnitedStates.Suchstoresallowyoutoshopin

a welcoming, safe, unsleazy environment and have helpful staff who are

knowledgeableaboutthemysteriousdevicesontheshelves.

Ifyou’venevertriedavibrator,it’snevertoolate.Battery-operatedvibratorsare

lesspowerfulthantheplug-inandrechargeableones,sotrytofindanopportunity

tocheckout allkinds—theyworkthroughclothes,soit’s notreallythathardto

findawaytoexperiment.(They’renotjustforvulvaowners,either—manyapenis

ownerhashadtheirlifechangedbyavibratoragainsttheperineum.)Youwillfind

insertablesinahugevarietyofsizesandshapestomeeteveryneed,texturetoysin

fake fur or spiky gels, satin blindfolds and velvet restraints—and usually a

thoughtfulselectionofgoodbooksandmovies.Thereisnoreasonwhyasexstore

hastobehiddeninabasement.

Toyscanaddtoyourpleasureandmakesomethingspossiblethatneverwere

before—for instance, if you’re curious about anal play, it helps to start small.

Vibrators have given many women an assurance about orgasm that was never

beforepossible:manywomensharesexhowevertheywantto,andiftheyhavenot

hadanorgasmbythetimetheyaretired,theycurlupwiththeirgoodfriendand

theirvibrator—asurefiresolution.

GetYourConditionsMet

It’s hard to focus on pleasure when you’re worrying about whether the baby is

asleep,thedoorislocked,theshadesaredrawn,orwhateverbothersyou.Figure

outwhatyourconditionsare,whatyouneedtofeelsafeandfreeofworry,soyou

canenjoyyoursexcompletely.Dealwithyourneedsbeforehand.

Establishagreementswithyourpartneraboutsafersexand/orbirthcontrol.It

isnotappropriatetoarguewithanyone’slimitsregardingpregnancyanddisease

riskreduction:respectthelimitsofthemostconservativeperson,becausesexisa

lotmorefunwhenweallfeelsafe.Personallimitsmaybeidiosyncratic,andthat’s

okay,too.Dossiehasaminorobsessionaboutbeingcleanandlikestosetupclean

sheetsandhaveashowersoshefeelsallfreshandsparkly.Someoneelsemightnot

careasmuch—sowhat? Thereisnoonerightway togetreadytohave sex.Give

yourselfpermissiontotakecareofyourownneeds;itwillfreeyou.

Sometimesyoudiscoverthatyourconditionsaren’twhatyouthoughttheywere

andthatthenewonesmightoffersomespecialfun.Janetremembers:

I’dbeentoaconcertthatnightwithtwofriendswhowereloverswitheach

otherandwithme.Oneofushadrecentlyacquiredatreasure:a’64Lincoln

Continentalthesizeofastudioapartment.Onthewayback,wedecidedto

stopbytherivertoadmirethemoonlight,andbeforeweknewitwewere

throwingafull-scaleorgyinthefrontseatoftheLincoln.I’dalwaysthoughtI

wouldn’tlikesexinacar,butwhenIfoundmyselfstretchedoutinthefront

seatwithmyheadinonepartner’slapasImasturbatedhimovermyshoulder

andmyotherpartnerkneelinginthepassengerfootwellwithherheadburied

betweenmylegs,Ibegantochangemymind.Thesceneendedinhysterical

giggles:theoneIwasmasturbatingbegantocome,hisbodywentintoan

orgasmicspasm,andhehitthehorn—thecaremittedanenormousblastof

soundfromitsmid-’60sDetroithornthatmusthaveawakenedeverybodyfor

milesaroundandmadeusallpracticallyfalloutofourseats!

Communicate

Most of us have been struck dumb by the scariest communication task of all—

askingforwhatwewant.Isthereanyoneofuswhohas never failedtotell our

partnerwhenwewanttobestimulatedharderorsofter,slowerorfaster,moreon

theshaftormoreonthetip,ontheside,onbothsides,upanddownorround

about,orwhateveritisthatwouldworkforus?Takeitfromus,thewaytogeta

goodreputationasanexcellentloveristoaskeachpartnerwhattheylikeandlet

them show you how to do it exactly right: once you get past the initial

embarrassment,thisisactuallyeasyandwillmakeyouaverypopularloverindeed.

“Mostofushavebeenstruckdumbbythescariestcommunicationtaskofall—

askingforwhatwewant.”

EXERCISE:YES,NO,MAYBE

Trythisexercisewithyourselforwithaloverwithwhomyouare

veryfamiliarand,asyougetcomfortable,repeatitwitheachnew

lover.

First,makealistofallthesexualactivitiesyoucanthinkofthat

anyone, not just you, might like to do. You will immediately

discoverthatthisisalsoanexerciseindevelopinglanguage,sopay

attentiontoanyembarrassmentyoufeelasyounamethesethings.

Doyouwanttoletembarrassmentstopyou?

Notice what language you are more comfortable with:

intercourse or fucking, oral sex or going down, cocksucking or

eating out? What do you call your own sex organs: penis, dick,

cock, prick…pussy, cunt, vagina, clitoris? If you get stuck, put a

littleeffortintofindinganynamethatdescribestheactivity,takea

deep breath, repeat those words five times, and breathe again.

Make yourlistas completeas possible and include activities that

you don’t like as well as those you do. You can get prefab lists

online, but then you miss the experience of naming all these

unspeakabledelights.

Then each of you takes a separate, smaller piece of paper and

makes threecolumns: YES, NO, and MAYBE. YES means I already

knowIlikethis.NOmeansthisactisoutsidemylimitsandIdon’t

wanttotryitintheforeseeablefuture.MAYBEmeansIwouldtryit

iftheconditionswereright.

Writeeveryactonthebigsheetintooneofthesecolumnsasit

fitsintoyourlimitstoday.

Get together with your partner and read each other’s lists.

Discuss where you fit together well and where you have

differences. There are no rights and wrongs here. Think of your

likesanddislikesasiftheywereflavorsoficecream.

NoticethewealthofwhatyoubothlikeonyourYESlists.

Thisexercisewillneedtobedonemorethanonce,asyourlimits

will change over time. You can also do this exercise to see what

kindsofsexyoucansharewithanyparticularpartner.

Theseareideasabouthowyoucanstartcommunicatingexplicitlyaboutsexand

negotiateconsent.Remember,wedefineconsentasanactivecollaborationforthe

pleasure, benefit, and well-being of all persons concerned. Consent means that

everybodyinvolvedmustagreetowhateveractivityisproposedandmustalsofeel

safeenoughthattheycoulddeclineiftheywished.Webelievethatifyouarenot

freetosayno,youcan’treallysayyes.Itisalsoessentialthateveryoneinvolved

understands the consequences of both responses: it’s not acceptable to take

advantageofsomeone’snaïveté.

We cannot say this often enough: you have a right to your limits, and it is

totally okay to say no to any form of sex you don’t like or are not comfortable

with.Havingalimitdoesnotmeanthatyouareinhibited,uptight,nofun,ora

permanent victim of American puritanism— it just means you don’t like

something.Ifyouwanttolearntolikeit,wethinktherearebetterwaystodothat

thantosuccumbtoguilt-tripping,shaming,oroutrightbullying.Saynotowhat

you don’t want, and when you decide to try something new, arrange for lots of

support from your partner, get your conditions met, and be kind to yourself.

Positivereinforcementisreallythebestwaytolearn.

In many areas, workshops and groups about sex are available, put on by

dedicated sex educators and counselors, sometimes at birth control clinics,

organizations supporting sexual health, and even churches. All these workshops

are designed to be safe, to respect everyone’s boundaries, and to give you an

opportunitytolearnnewinformation,increaseyourcomfortlevel,andspeakfor

yourself about your own feelings and experience. What we are advocating is

communicationby,with,andforeverybody.

EXERCISE:MOREFUNWITHYOUR“YES,NO,MAYBE”LIST

Onceyou’vemadealist,therearelotsoffurtheractivitiesyoucan

dowithit:

· Putyourlistsuponthefridgeorinthebathroomwhereyoucan

seethemeveryday.

· Writeapossiblescriptforyournextdatebasedentirelyonitems

foundonbothofyourYESlists.

· WriteascriptfromtheYESlistsforasatisfyinghalf-hourdateyou

coulddoonaweeknight—aquickieplan.

· ChooseanitemfromyourMAYBElistandfigureoutwhatyou

wouldneedtofeelsafeenoughtotrythatandhowyourpartner

couldhelpyou.

Yourconditionsmightbe:

· IfIfeelsafeenough

· IfI’mturnedonenough

· IfIknowit’sokaytostopifitfeelsbad

· Ifwegoslowenough

· Ifwehaveabackupplan

Then decide whether you want to invite your partner on a

voyageofexploration.

· Chooseanitemfromyourpartner’sMAYBElistandcreateafantasy

ofhowyoucouldseducethemintoit.Tellthemaboutthefantasy

—thisisnotatimeforpouncingandyelling,“Surprise!”

FindYourTurn-On

Have you ever set out to make love and discovered that you couldn’t find your

turn-on?Thereyouare,huntingforthatelusivestateofexcitementandwondering

what’swrongwithyouwhenyourloverdoesthethingsyouusuallyloveandyour

response is just plain nothing, or, worse, irritation or ticklishness. Some of us

wonderwhywearen’tgettingwet,othersagonizeoverabsenterections,everybody

either fakes it or gets embarrassed. It happens to everybody. Really, it’s not just

you.

For some people, losing their turn-on happens when they are nervous, maybe

withanewpartnerorinanewsituation.Forothers,familiarityreducesarousal,

and they have a hard time grasping their desire in their relationships with the

peopletheyknowbestandlovemost.

Getting turned on requires a physical and mental transition into a different

state of consciousness. Every night, when you go to sleep, you make such a

transition: you turn the lights down, get into loose clothing, lie down, perhaps

readquietlyorwatchalittleTV,deliberatelychangingyourstateofconsciousness

fromwideawaketosleepy.Somepeopledothisautomatically,whileothershaveto

workatfiguringoutwhathelpsthemgettosleep.

Similarly,weallneedtoknowhowwegetturnedon,whatworksforuswhen

arousal doesn’t just come of its own accord. Our mythology tells us we are not

supposed to have to do this on purpose, that we are supposed to be swept away

withdesireorelsesomethingiswrong:wedon’treallywanttomakelovetothis

person;we’vemadeaterriblemistakeandnowwhatarewegoingtodowiththe

kids? Some of us are told we are supposed to be so turned on by the mere

availabilityofapartnerthatourerectionshouldstandupandsalutewithoutany

actual sensory stimulation. Others are taught that we ought to be turned on in

responsetoanystimulusfromapartnertheycareaboutand,ifwearen’t,weare

frigid or perhaps feeling hostile. These are only some of the very destructive

lessonsyoumayhavelearned.

“Weallneedtoknowhowwegetturnedon,whatworksforuswhenarousal

doesn’tjustcomeofitsownaccord.”

Thefirstthingyouneedtodowhendesiredoesn’tcomeuplikethunderisto

rememberthatlotsofslutshavedealtwiththisproblemsuccessfully,andsocan

you.Let’slookathowwecouldgoaboutdeliberatelygettingturnedon.

Somepeoplejustchargeonin,startsexualstimulation,andkeeponuntiltheir

turn-oncatchesupwiththem,andthisworksformanypeoplemuchofthetime:

Dossieoncehadapartnerwholikedtoleapintocoldmountainlakeswhenthey

were camping, insisting that you’d get warm eventually if you just thrashed

around. Other people like to get in the water one toe at a time, warming up

graduallyandsensually,allowingtimetoappreciatethechangesinsensitivitythat

occur as they move slowly into their sexual response cycle. For many people,

simply slowing down gives them the chance to get in synch with their turn-on,

andonceyoufindyourturn-on,itmakesiteasiertospeedup.

Many people experience hypersensitivity, which means feeling ticklish or

jumpyorirritated,whentheyattempttotakeinsensationsthataretoofocusedor

too intense in the early part of their journey to arousal. Such ticklishness often

disappears once the person is thoroughly excited and may reappear right after

orgasm.The waytodealwithhypersensitivityis toremember thatnoteveryone

can get turned on while they are being tickled or irritated, so take your time.

(Dossie’spartnerwholovedtoleapintocoldlakesalsolovedtobetickled—that’s

why you gotta ask.) Feel free to tell your lover about hypersensitivity and what

sensations you enjoy early on, and how that may be different later. Most

hypersensitivitycanbecuredwithafirmtouchandagradualapproach.Startwith

caressingbacksandshouldersandlesssensitivepartsofthebody,makingsureof

seriousarousalbeforetouchingthemorenerve-richareas.

Talkwithyourlover aboutwhatturns youon—afantasy,astory,havingyour

fingers or toes gently bitten and sucked? Ask your lover what turns them on—

chewing on their neck, brushing their hair? You could prepare for this talk by

writingdownalistofallthethingsthatyouknowexciteyou,eachofyouonyour

own, and then sharing your lists. Talking can be a little risky, and risk can be

excitinginandofitself.

Getintoyourbodywithsensualdelightslikehottubs,bubblebaths,nakedskin

bythewarmfire,massage.Thesearetheslowerdelightsthatgiveustimetofocus

ourattentiononphysicalpleasureandallowourbusybrainstoslowdownordrift

offintofantasy.Thisisnotthetimetoworryaboutheavybreathingorundulating

hips—itisthetimeforentrancement.

Fantasy is a big turn-on for many people, and yes, it is perfectly normal to

fantasizewhileyourpartnerisdoingsexythingstoyou.Manypeoplealsoliketo

fantasizeontheirownbeforetheireroticencounters,buildingupaniceheadof

steam before any touching actually takes place. Perhaps you would both enjoy

watchinganeroticvideoorreadingeachothergrown-upbedtimestories.Maybeit

wouldbehottotelleachotheryourfavoritefantasies.

Although lust for one person is seldom satisfied by sex with another,

experiencedslutsknowthatturn-onistransferable.Theexcitementyoufeelabout

the sex you’re planning with Bill next weekend can easily set a fire under your

sessionwithJanetonight,becausearousalisaphysicalexperiencethatcanbeused

foranythingyouwant.Thelustinthemindpersistsandwillstillbethereforyou

whenyougetaroundtoBill—wepromise.

Excitement begins with a slow, sensual warmth, and when the warm-up has

begun,thedoorisopenformoreintenseexcitement,exploringthesensitivitiesof

ears,necks,wrists,andtoes,ortonguesinmouths.Breathingbecomesdeeper,and

hipsstarttomoveoftheirownaccord.

Sodoesthisexcitementmeanit’stimetoleaponthatexpresstraintoorgasmic

release?Justbecauseyourbodyisphysicallyreadytoenjoysexdoesn’tmeanyou

needtorushtofulfillment!Whydon’tyoutakealittlemoretime?Thisfeelsgood,

right? So what about feeling good a little more, getting a little more turned on:

rememberwhenyouwereinhighschoolandyoucouldkissforhours?

SlowDown

Don’t we all want a lover with a slow hand? The most common mistake people

make when they get nervous about sex is to rush things. Tension does tend to

speed us up, and most people tighten their muscles as they approach orgasm,

whichaddstothehurry.Now,whenwearetrulyready,thereisnothingwelike

morethantogruntandgaspandheaveandshoutandmakefistswithourtoeson

thespeedingexpresstraintoorgasm.Butthereismoretosexthanorgasm,solet’s

not leave out seduction, the oh-so-gradual turn-on, the building of suspense, the

explorationofeverypartofthebodythatcanarousethesenses—wewanttodoit

all. To explorethe entirerange of sensualandsexualintimacy,we needtolearn

techniquesforslowingdown.

The first technique for slowing down is very simple. Take a deep breath and

holdit.Putyourhand onyourabdomenandfeelthe hardnessofyourmuscles.

Thenbreatheout,slowly,andyouwillfeelthemusclesinyourtorsorelax.When

wearetense,wetendtobreatheingasps,gulpingairinandexhalingverylittle;

that’s how we maintain tension in our muscles and in our minds. When we

breatheout,werelax.Soanytimeyouaretense,inanysituation,youcanrelaxa

little by taking three long, slow, deep breaths, making sure to breathe out as

thoroughlyasyoubreathein.

You can learn more about relaxation by taking a class in any form of yoga,

practicing sensual massage, trying tantric techniques, or just slowing down long

enough to discover what fun it is to focus on what you’re feeling when you’re

feelinggood.

You can reduce your nervousness when you talk about sex, and you can slow

yourselfdownduringsex,justbybreathing.Whenyouslowyourbreathingwhile

youareturnedon,letyourawarenessgodownintoyourbody.Scanyourwhole

body with your mind, starting from your toes, and let yourself notice how each

partofyoufeels.Chancesareyouwilldiscoveralotofgoodfeelingsyouhaven’t

evenfeltbefore.Sextherapistscallthissensatefocusandadvocateitinparticularfor

thosewhowanttoslowdowntheirresponseandenjoymoresexbeforetheycome.

You can slow down your physical sexual response by breathing, relaxing, and

focusingyourattentiontoreduceyourphysicaltension,becausenotonlydoweall

tenseourmusclesbeforewecome,butmanyofuscannotcomewhenourmuscles

are relaxed. So orgasmic control is not achieved by grunting and bearing down,

butratherbyrelaxingandenjoyingyourself.

Slowing down is also useful when youare trying out new activities or feeling

nervous for any reason. Our friend Mandy relates one of her early learning

experienceswithcondoms:

RobandIhadbeenoccasionalloversformanyyears,andweweregetting

togetherforthefirsttimeafteralonghiatus.Wehadverylittleexperienceof

safersexatthetimebutdecided,duetoourvariousexperiences,thatifwe

wantedtofuck,weshoulduseacondom.Thiswasallfineintheory,butwhen

thetimecametoputitonafterasuitableandexcitingroundortwoof

outercourse,Robpickedupthatdifficultlittlepieceofrubberandpromptlylost

hiserection.I’msurethishasneverhappenedtoanyofyou.

Wefooledaroundforalittlewhileandtriedagain,withthesameresponse—

Rob’smindandhiscockwerenotinagreement.Idraggedmyselfupintoa

moreactiveconsciousnessanddecidedtoputwhatIhadlearnedinadultsex

educationtouse.

Igothimtoliebackandagreetobedoneto,andIsetuptheenvironment:

candlesforlightcarefullyplacedwherewewouldn’tknockthemover,lubricant

andtowelshandy,twoorthreerubbersincasewebrokeone,plusslowsensual

musiconaverylongdisc.Igotmyselfinacomfortablepositionbetweenhis

legs—comfortablebecauseIwantedtotakeallthetimeintheworld,andIdid

notwanttobeinterruptedbyanachingbackoracrampedshoulder.

Istartedbystrokinghisbody—thighs,tummy,legs—verygently,foralong

time,untilhefirstrelaxedandthenrespondedwithanerection.Iwaitedalittle

longersohecouldenjoythaterectionwithoutanyresponsibilityfortaking

thingsfurther.ThenImovedthestrokingtohisgenitals,aroundbutnotonhis

penis.Hiserectionwentdown,soImovedfurtherbackandcontinuedsensual

strokingonhisskinuntilhegothardagain.Icontinuedagainalittlelongerand

thenmovedtotouchingclosertohiscock.Thistimehiserectionfellonlyalittle

andgothardagainafteronlyafewseconds.Bynowhewasbreathinghard,

andsowasI.Forme,theexperiencewasverysensualandtrance-like,warm

andpleasurable:amajorturn-on.

Ispentaverylongtimestrokingaround,butnoton,hiscock,untilhewas

veryhardindeed.Hereachedforme,butIslappedhishand—nodistractions,

please.Iamdoingthistoyou,getit?Whenthesuspensewasvirtually

unbearable,Iranmyhandlightlyoverhisdick—heshuddered.Strokinghiscock

andpullinggentlyonhisballsarousedhimevenmore,andhewasbeginningto

moanandsweat.Ipickedupthecondom,checkingtomakesureIwas

unrollingitintherightdirection,andhelosthiserectionalmostinstantly.Iwent

backtostrokingaround,noton,hiscock,andhesprangupagain,getting

impatient…butImadehimwait,playedwithhisdickforalongtimebutgently

enoughthatIknewhecouldn’tcome.

ThenexttimeIapproachedwiththerubber,heonlywiltedatinybit,soI

rubbedabitmore,andwewentroundafewtimesuntilhewassoturnedonhe

couldn’tthinkanymoreandhiscockstoodupniceandstraightwhileIrolled

therubberoverit.Icontinuedplayingwithhimwhilehegotusedtothenew

sensation.

BythistimeIwasseriouslyturnedonandmorethanalittleimpatient,so

whenIgavetheword,heattackedanddidtheragingbullthing,andweboth

finallygottofuckfastandhard.Let’sjustsaythatitwaswellworththewait!

Tosumup,andmaybecatchourbreathalittleourselves,abasicskillforgood

sexisknowinghowtorelaxandslowdown,andthenknowinghowtotenseand

speedup.Onceyouknowhow,youcangoroundandroundasmanytimesasyou

canbearto hold off, enjoying every minuteandbuildingup excitement for the

grandfinale.Relaxing your breathing,andrelaxing your body,canhelp you get

centered,groundedinyourbodyandinthepleasureyouarefeeling,andgiveyou

morechoicesaboutyoursexlife.

EXERCISE:GETLOUD

Whyhaveyouneverheardyourneighborshavingsex?Whyhave

theyneverheardyou?

Doyoubelievethatyourpartnershouldmakealotofnoisebut

youshouldnot?Whyisthat?

Masturbateasloudlyasyoucan.Pumpyourhipstotherhythm

ofyourbreath.Openyourmouthand throataswideasyoucan.

Breathehard,moan,yell,scream.

See how much noise you and your partner can make the next

timeyoumakelove.

Smilewhenyouseeyourneighbors.

Afterglow

Sometimeswegetsofixatedonthechallengesofsuccessfullysteeringourcourse

through the tortuous rapids of getting there that we forget to pay attention to

wherewehavegotten.Afterglow,thatdreamy,exhausted,sweetstatethatfollows

thethrashingandshouting,isadelicioustime.Enjoyit.Restinit,curledupwith

your partner. Forget the mess, and drift in the profound relaxation. Feel the

connectiontoyourpartnerasyoufloattogetherinawarmpoolofyourconjoined

energy,swirlingaroundinthecomfortofsatisfiedlove.Feelgood.

PUBLICSEX,GROUPSEX,ANDORGIES

Doyouwanttobeanorgyslut?Thisisachoice.Nomatterwhatyoumighthave

heard,groupsexisnotobligatoryforopenrelationships,andweknowmanyfine

outrageousslutswhodon’tattendorgiesorhostthree-waysandfour-waysintheir

homes. We also know monogamous couples who frequent public sex

environments for the sheer pleasure of playing with each other in a special and

sexyplace,completewithanappreciativeaudience.

Ifyouhaveeverhadafantasyofbeingmadelovetobyfivepeople,orhavingan

extrapairofhandstomakelovewith,orhavinglotsofhotpeopletogetimpulsive

with, or performing before an audience that will thrill to your thrashing and

screamingindelight…inotherwords,ifyouareattractedtotheideaofsexparties,

thischapterisforyou.Herewewilltellyouwhatyouneedtoknowtohaveagood

timeanddealwithanydifficultiesthatmightcomeup.

Webelievethatitisafundamentallyradicalpoliticalacttode-privatizesex.So

muchoppressioninourcultureisbasedonshameaboutsex:thesubjugationof

women,thedifferentbutstillharmfulculturalmandatesformen,theotheringof

cultural minorities and sexual minorities. All these kinds of oppression are

institutedinthenameofprotectingthefamily,asiffamilieshadnothingtodo

withsex.Wehaveallbeentaught,onewayoranother,thatourdesires,ourbodies,

andoursexualitiesareshameful.Whatbetterwaytodefeatoppressionthantoget

togetherincommunitiesandcelebratethewondersofsex?

“Itisafundamentallyradicalpoliticalacttode-privatizesex.”

Going to a sex party presents an exciting challenge. It’s an opportunity to

stretch and grow as you deal with stage fright, performance anxiety, and the

wonderfulandscarytensionofplanningandgettingreadyforelaboratesexinan

intensely sexual environment. Everyone is nervous, and the shared vulnerability

adds to the arousal. We love the giddy feeling of conquest when we succeed in

overcomingalltheseobstaclesandcreatingahotsexualencounter.There’snota

lot of room for prudery and shame at an orgy, and when we play in a group of

people,wegetpowerfulreinforcementthatsexisgoodandbeautifulandthatwe

arehotandsexypeople.

WhyPublicSex?

Yourauthorsbothenjoypublicsexandregularlyattendplayparties,environments

in which people gather to enjoy a wide variety of sex and eroticism with each

other.Wefeelasynergistickindofarousalwheneverybodyelse’sexcitementfeeds

our own, and we feel connected to and turned on by all this happy sex that is

goingonaroundus.

Group sex offers the chance to try out new partners in a safe environment,

surroundedbyourfriends—weevengettheopportunitytocheckoutapersonwe

mightbeturnedonbywhiletheymakelovewithsomeoneelse.Groupsexoffers

theopportunitytochallengeourselves,moveoursexualityoutintotheopenwith

lotsofsupportingettingpastthefearsandbashfulnessandlotsoffriendlypeople

toapplaudourecstasies.

Inagroupsexenvironmentwecanlearnnewsexactswithplentyofsupport:we

canwatchsomeoneelseactuallydoingaformofsexthatwehavepreviouslyonly

seen in our fantasies, and we can ask them, when they’re through, how they do

that.Welearnedmanyofoursafer-sexskillsatorgies,wherebarriersarederigueur

and there is support for maintaining everybody’s safety and well-being. Most

publicsexspacesprovidecondoms,rubbergloves,andwhateverelseyoumayneed

toplaysafe.

Play parties canhelp you get over abad body image.As we have pointedout

before,peopleenjoysexatallagesandinallkindsofbodies,andatanyorgyyou

willseethemdoingit.Onegoodwaytoprepareforyourfirstadventureatanorgy

istovisitanudebeachorhotspring,ifyouneverhavebefore, toseewhatreal

peoplelooklikewithoutclothesandtoexperiencebeingnakedinpublicyourself.

You’llstarttoseebeautyinalotofbodiesthatdon’tlookanythinglikewhatyou

seeinmagazinesorporn—thismaybeagoodtimetorepeatthe“AirportGame”

exercise(thispage)youlearnedinchapter19,“MakingConnection”—andthere’sa

lotofsensualdelighttothefeelingofwarmsunandgentlebreezesonalltheparts

ofyourbody.

Itisamazingtoustothink,aftermanyyearsofpracticingsexinpublic,that

mostpeoplehaveneverhadachancetowatchanotherpersonenjoysex.Weworry

about them—it seems like a terrible deprivation. We remember what it was like

whenweworriedaboutwhetherwelookedfoolishwithourlegsupintheairand

our faces screwed up inan ecstatic scream.Youwill feel much betterabout how

youlook,howyouperform,andwhoyouarewhenyouhaveachancetoseereal

peoplehavingrealsex.Youwilllearnthateveryoneisbeautifulwhentheyareall

turnedon;atthesexparty,weallgettobestarsandshineourbrightest.

“Itisamazingtousthatmostpeoplehaveneverhadachancetowatchanother

personenjoysex.”

PartySpaces

Sex clubs are very special environments. Most major cities in the United States

boastadelightfullywidechoiceoforgiasticenvironmentstochoosefrom.There

arepartyspacesforwomenonly,menonly,couples,BDSMenthusiasts,andlovers

of drag and costumery, and parties that specialize in just about every sexual

practiceyoucanthinkof—andsomethathavetobeseentobebelieved.Youmay

wanttocheckoutcuddleparties(sometimescalledsnuggleparties)forsomenew

ideas about getting together and perhaps a safer introduction to connecting in

groups: at such parties, everyone wears pajamas and snuggles to explore intense

closeness, without taking it on into actual sex. Other cities host Masturbate-a-

Thons,whereeverybodyseekssponsorsfortheirgroupself-loving,raisingmoney

forasex-positivecharity.

Partiesmaybeopenlyadvertisedtothepublic,advertisedonlyinnewslettersor

atsupportgroups,orbeprivateandbyinvitationonly.Therearepublicclubs,like

thegaymen’sbaths,thatareopentwenty-fourhoursaday,sevendaysaweek;and

therearesmallerspaces,perhapsanadaptedbasementrecreationroom,wherethe

ownershostpartiesonceortwiceamonth.Othercongenialgroupssponsorsmall

privategatheringsintheirmembers’livingrooms.

Manycitiesboastpartyhouses,whereoneortwolevelsofabuildinghavebeen

dedicatedtosocialareasandplayroomsforpartying.Partyhousesmayrentspace

toprivategroups,whomighthostapartyonceamonthorsofortheirparticular

guestlist.

All party spaces are extremely careful about making sure that everybody in

attendancehasgivenfull,uncoerced,soberconsenttowhatevertheyendupdoing.

The forms you may sign on the way in will tell you what the rules are for that

particularspace,whetheryouhavetoaskbeforedoingsomuchasputtingahand

on a shoulder, or whether the recipient is expected to say, “No thanks” to any

undesiredtouch—ifyou’renotsure,findoneofthepeopleinchargeoftheparty

and ask them what the rules are. Most spaces also have strict rules about

intoxication: some allow some use of intoxicants but will throw you out if you

appear intoxicated; others don’t allow intoxicants at all. It’s important to

rememberthatthesespacescanonlygoondoingtheirfabulousworkifeverybody

feelssafeenoughtoparticipate,andtheonlywaythatcanhappenisifeverybody

isable tosay notowhattheydon’twantand confidentthattheywillhave that

“no”listenedto.

ThefirstgroupsexpartiesthatDossieattendedwereheldinacommunalflatin

SanFrancisco,underthepresidinggeniusofBettyDodson.Thosewholivedthere

were all dedicated to feminism, gay liberation, and sexual liberation, and their

communewasaconsciousexperimenttoradicallychangetheconditionsinwhich

wecanenjoysex.Theytookoutallthedoorsandfurniture,makingtheloftspace

upstairsintooneunbrokenroom.Onatypicalday,youcouldfindseveralpeople

onthedecksunbathingnude,someothersorganizingdinner,twomoreplaying

chess,acouplefucking,andanotherpersonacrosstheroomvibratingtheirwayto

their own orgasm. There were larger parties three or four times a year, full of

peoplemakingloveingroups,intwos,orsingly,withlotsofmassage,andtantric

practitionerschanting“Ommmm”intunewiththeever-presenthumofvibrators.

Thisspacewasprivate,availableonlytothefriendsandloversofthesixorseven

peoplewholivedthere,allofwhomhadlotsoffriendsandlovers.

Public sex environments, whether they’re large public clubs or small party

houses,havethecommonfunctionofprovidinganagreeablespaceinwhichyou

canbesexual.Althoughthedecorandfurnishingsofgroupsexenvironmentsvary

aswidelyasthehumansexualimagination,therearebasicsthatyouwillfindin

mostpartyspaces.Therewillbeadoorpersontocheckyouin,andyoumaybe

askedtosignawaiverofliabilityand/oraconfidentialityagreement.Therewillbe

asocialarea,withplacestositandtalkandmeetpeople,usuallywithasmallbuffet

of snacks and beverages. Sex does not usually take place in the social area, so if

you’refeelingshyyoucanhangoutthereuntilyouworkupyourcourage.There

willbelockersorcoatracksorshelvesorsomeplacewhereyoucanputyourstreet

clothes and electronics (many party spaces either ask you to leave your phone

behindorplaceasmallsquareoftapeoveryourcameralens),theneitherchange

into party costume or simply disrobe. Some parties are mostly naked; others

feature a dazzling array of costumes for every sexual fantasy. There may be

provisions for cleanliness,includingbathroomsandshowers.Then there will be

oneormoreplayrooms.

Playroomsvaryfromtinycubicles,oftensetupinmazes,withasmallbedjust

bigenoughtofuckon,tolargeroomswithmirroredwallsandupholsteredfloors

forpuppypiles,groupgropes,andotherorgiasticactivities.Theremaybehottubs,

steamrooms,andgardensforyoutocruiseandrelaxin.Theremaybeanareafor

dancing. There is almost always music with a very strong beat to wake up your

naturalrhythmandtogiveasenseofauralprivacysoyouwon’tbedistractedby

yourneighbor’sheavybreathingorsquealsofdelight.Thelightswillbelowand

oftenredororangesoweallcanlookalittletanandperhapsalittlesexier.There

mayberoomswithfurniture,imaginativelydesignedtohavesexon,likemedical

examining tables or slings, mirrored beds or dungeons for kinky fantasies, or

perhapsagiantwaterbedforthosewholiketomakewaves.

Inrecentyears,hotelsthathostconferencesforvariousgroupscelebratingtheir

lifestyles have been allowing party spaces, even dungeons, to be built in their

ballrooms for the guests to enjoy. These parties are run by the conference and

usually staffed by helpfulconferencevolunteers withcooperation from the hotel

stafftokeepthespaceprivate.Hotelstendtolikeourconferences—wedon’tdrink

too much, we are polite to the staff, we tip well, and we wear great outfits. Talk

abouttheradicalpoliticalactofde-privatizingsex!Majorhotelchainsnowhave

policiesaboutplayparties,policiesthatsupportus—yay!

Playpartyspacestendtoformcommunities.Peopletryoutthevariousparties

intheirareaandusuallyreturntooneortwogroupsthattheyfindcongenial.As

peoplegettoknoweachotherandsharethespecialintimacyofsexualconnection,

theyoftenbecomefriendsandformextendedfamilies.Itisnotunusualtofinda

sexpartyclubhostingabenefitforamemberwhohashadanaccidentoramajor

illness.Thesearecommunities,andcommunitiestakecareoftheirown.

Swinging

Heterosexuals, who may be more susceptible than others to the pressures of

gender-role-based and monogamy-centrist expectations, have nevertheless made

their own spaces and culture of public sex. In the past, nonmonogamous

heterosexualinteractionswerecalledwife-swapping,atermwithabuilt-insexistbias

that we find offensive. Today, heterosexuals seeking no-strings sex outside a

primaryrelationshipoftenseekouttheswingcommunity.Thesegroupsarewell

worthlookingatforwhattheyhavetoteachusabouthowheterosexualmenand

women can interact outside the confines of the “shoulds” of mainstream,

monogamousculture.

Swingingisabroadtermthatgetsusedtodefineawidevarietyofinteractions,

rangingfromlong-termtwo-couplesexualpairingsthroughthewildestofSaturday-

night puppy-pile orgies. Swingers are primarily heterosexual; although female

bisexuality is common, male bisexuality is frowned upon in some swing

communities—although this is beginning to shift, and we hear from a lot more

men whoproudly name themselves bi.Swingers aremost often coupledandare

oftenmoremainstreamintheirpolitics,lifestyles,andpersonalvaluesthanother

kindsofsluts.Someswingcommunitiesconfinethemselvestosexualinteractions

and discourage emotional connections outside primary couples, while others

encourageallformsofromanticandsexualintimacy.

Swinging has offered many a heterosexual woman her first opportunity to

exploregreedyandguilt-freesexuality—infact,weoftenhearofwomenwhoattend

their first swing party very reluctantly, their second one hesitantly, and their

subsequent ones avidly. We also like the sophistication with which many swing

communities have evolved patterns of symbols and behavior to communicate

sexualinterestwithoutintrusiveness(onenow-defunctBayAreaswingclubusedto

haveafascinatingcodeofopeningdoorsandwindowstocommunicate,variously,

“Keepaway,”“Lookbutdon’ttouch,”or“Comeoninandjoinus”).

GroupSexEtiquette

Weknowthey didn’tteachyouinschoolhowtobehaveatanorgy,andwebet

yourmotherdidn’tteachyoueither.

There is a particular etiquette needed for public sex environments, because

everyoneinthemhasletdownsomeoftheircustomaryboundariestogetcloserto

each other. Social boundaries usually serve the purpose of keeping people at a

predictabledistance,soweallfeelsafeinourownpersonalspace.Groupsexposes

the challenge of figuring out how to feel safe and comfortable while getting up

close andvery intimatewith a wholebunch of presumably nice,sexy people—so

new boundaries must be developed, learned, and respected so that everyone can

feelsafeenoughtoplay.

Manypartyhousesshowyoualistofrulesasyoucomeinorpostthemonthe

wall.Readthem.Mostplacesspecifythelevelofsafer-sexprecautionstheyrequire,

andprovidecondoms,gloves,lubricants,dentaldams,andsoon.Evenifyouand

yourpartnerarefluid-bonded,youmaybeasked,orfeelitispolite,tousebarriers

inapublicenvironment.Ethicalslutsobeytherulesofthepartiestheychooseto

attend,regardlessoftheircustomsathome.

Confidentiality is mandatory in all group sex environments. If you recognize

someoneinthesupermarketthatyoufondledattheorgythenightbefore,smile

and nodandmove on;they mightbeshoppingwiththeirmother.Ifyouknow

that someone uses a different name in sexual space than they do in the outside

world, be ultra-careful about using the proper name for the space in which you

encounterthem.Andsharingthestoryofthewonderfulsceneyouhadlastnight

with Joe, without getting Joe’s consent, is both unethical and a great way to get

yourself permanently booted out of the space that made that wonderful scene

possible.

Responsibilityinvoyeurismisamust.Youmaywatchwhatpeopledoinpublic

placesbutalwaysfromarespectfuldistance.Iftheparticipantsareawareofyour

presence, you are too close. Whether or not it is okay to masturbate while

watching varies from place to place, but it’s always polite to keep your own

excitementdiscreetenoughthatyoudon’tdistractthegoodfolkswhoareputting

onsuchaniceshow—theyprobablyaren’tdoingitforyou,anyway.Alsobeaware

thatwhenyouareclosetopeoplewhoareplaying,theycanhearyou—thisisnot

anappropriateplacetotellyourfriendallabouthowawfulyourbossisorabout

yourrecentexperiencesattheproctologist.

Theboundarybetweensocial/talkspaceandplayspaceisveryimportant—when

youenterplayspace,youenterintoadifferentstateofconsciousnessthattendsto

getyououtofyourintellectandintoyourbodyveryquickly.Toomuchtalkingin

playspacecanyankyoubackintoeveryday,verbal,nonsexualawareness.

Cruisingisactivebutmustnotbeintrusive.Ideally,arespectfulrequestreceives

arespectfulresponse,whichmeansit’sokaytoask,andiftheansweris“No,thank

you,” that is okay, too. Remember, people who come to orgies are pretty

sophisticated,andtheyareherebecausetheyknowwhattheywant.Ifthatperson

youfoundattractivedoesn’twanttoplaywithyourightnow,takeiteasyandfind

someoneelse.Pesteringanyoneatasexpartyisunspeakablyrudeandwillquickly

earnyouaninvitationtotheoutsideworld.

Cruising at group sex parties is not that different from elsewhere, although

perhapsmorehonestandtothepoint.Usually,youstartwithintroducingyourself

asaperson:“Hi,I’mDick,what’syourname?”iswaypreferableto“Hi,doyou

likemybigdick?”Peoplewilltalkforabit,flirtalittle,andthenaskquitedirectly,

“Would youliketoplay withme?”Whentheanswerisyes,negotiationfollows:

“What do you like to do? Is there anything you don’t like? Let’s check that we

bothmeanthesamethingbysafersex,andbytheway,Ihavethisfantasy….”

“Remember,peoplewhocometoorgiesarepretty sophisticated,andtheyare

herebecausetheyknowwhattheywant.”

HowItWorks

Justtogetyoustartedthinkingaboutwhatitmightfeelliketoattendyourfirst

sexparty,here’satrue-lifestoryfromsomeonewhohadanamazingadventure:

Junehadneverbeentoaplaypartybefore.That’sevidentlywhattheycall

orgiesinCalifornia,shemused.Well,atleastit’salesbianorgy.Howonearth,

shewondered,didIcometobetheguestofhonoratanorgy?

Actually,sheknewhowitcameabout.ShewasvisitingherdearfriendFlash

inSanFrancisco,andFlashannouncedthatshehadtheuseofahouseinthe

countryfortheweekend,andshewantedtothrowapartyandintroduceJune

toherfriends.Soundslikefun,thoughtJune…andthenFlashbegantotalk

abouthavingaChickRitetocelebratetheadventofspringbysettingup

mattressesandsafer-sexsuppliesinthemiddleofthelivingroom.

Junehadargued,butFlashtalkedherintoit,pointingoutthatshedidn’thave

toactuallyhavesexwithanybodyifshedidn’twantto.Junefinallysaidokay,

addingthatifshecouldn’tstandit,shewouldhikedowntothelocal

coffeehousewithabook.SoFlashwentonsettingupthehouseforthe

convenienceofsexualpleasure,andJunehidinthekitchenmakingdip,one

partyfunctionthatsheatleastunderstood.

Astheguestsbegantoarrive,Junebegantowonderwhethershe’dbeableto

stayatthisevent.Shewasintroducedtoaparadeofthemostoutrageousdykes

she’deverseen,femmesandbutcheslikebirdsinbrightplumage,sporting

exoticgarmentsdesignedtodisplayagalleryoftattoos,gleaminghereand

therewithjewelrysetinbodypartsthatJunedidnotwanttothinkabout.And

theywereallsoyoung!Junefeltthefullweightofherforty-eightyears.She

figuredyoucan’tgowrongbeingpolite,soshesaidthesamehow-do-you-dos

shewouldanywhereelse,wonderinghowshe’drespondifoneofthese

enthusiasticorgiastsactuallytoldherhowshediddo.

In,atlast,cameacoupleofwomenofunabashedmiddleage.Oneofthem,

Carol,wasadeadringerforJune’sGreat-AuntMary,ifGreat-AuntMaryhad

everchosentodressinhighbutchgearcompletewithbootsandcowboyhat.

Junefeltrelievedtohavefoundonewomanshecouldrelateto.ThenCarol

smiledadazzlingsmileandannouncedthatshewouldliketoputherhandin

June’scunt.

June,swallowingagaspbutresolutelypolite,saidthatshedidn’treallyfeel

quitereadyforthat,andCarolrepliedcheerily,“Okay,then,I’llcheckinwithyou

later.”GreatGoddess,thoughtJune,there’snoescape.Juneknewabout

fisting,hadlearnedtodoitwithaloverwholikedit,knewitwassafewhen

doneproperly—butitseemedanoddwaytogetacquaintedwithsomeone

whosenameshe’donlylearnedinthelasthalfhour.

ThenLottiecamein—closetoJune’sage,butnotdressedlikeit.Lottie’s

obviouslydyed,flamingredcurlssetoffablackchiffondressthroughwhich

couldbeclearlyseenlongblackstockings,ablackleathercorset,andagreat

dealofvoluptuouspaleflesh.Howdoesshebalanceonthoseheels,June

wondered,asLottiehugged,kissed,andchattedherwaythroughthe

progressivelylessclothedmassofpartygoers.JuneoverheardLottiethanking

variouswomenfortheirparticipationinapreviousorgyheldincelebrationof

Lottie’sfiftiethbirthday.Dothesepeopleevergettogetherandnothavesex,

wonderedJune.

PuppypilesbegantoformonthefloorinfrontofthecouchwhereJunewas

sitting—untidyheapsofwomenneckingandpetting,smilingandlaughing,

LottieandCarolconspicuouslyamongthem.Junedecidedtoretreattothe

deck,whereshecouldperhapssoakoutherterrorinthehottub.

Thehottubwasquieter,andJunemanagedtochatwithafewwomenand

beganfeelingalittlemorecomfortable.ThenLottiereappeared.Offcamethe

dress,thestockings,theshoes—Junefoundherselfwonderingifshecouldsee

Lottie’spussyandinstantlywonderedifanyoneelsehadnoticedherlooking.

LottieslippedintothewarmwaterandimmediatelyaskedJuneifshewouldrub

herneck,becauseitfeltstiff.“Sure,”Juneheardherselfsay,“I’dbehappyto.”

Oh,no,shethought,whathaveIletmyselfinfor?

Lottie’sskinfeltwarmandsilkyunderherfingers,andJunerubbedand

soothed.JunefeltrelaxedbytherhythmofmassageandreassuredasLottie

conversedaboutperfectlynormalthings:herworkandJune’s,their

philosophiesoflife,June’sBuddhism,Lottie’spaganism.Eventually,Lottie’s

neckrelaxed,andthehottubbegantofeeltoowarm,andLottiebrightly

suggestedtheyfindoutwhatwasgoingoninside.Sheclimbedoutofthetub,

pulledonherstockingsandheels,anddartedbackindoors.HolyMinerva,

thoughtJune,canIfollowherinthere?No,shedecidedfirmly,Ican’t.June

foundatableinacorneronthepatioanddeterminedlyadmiredthestars.

Lottie,meanwhile,wasfindingshehadathingortwotothinkaboutaswell.

Inthelivingroom,herfriendswerehappilydisportingthemselvesoncouches,in

armchairs,andinfrontofthefire,butLottiewasthinkingaboutJune.Whatisit

aboutherthatturnsmeonsomuch?Doesshelikeme?Willsheplaywithme?

Doesn’tlooklikeshe’susedtoplayingatparties—ah,well,there’salwaysafirst

time.Nowwheredidthatgirlgo?

Lottiescannedthelivingroom,buttherewasnoJunetobefound.Theliving

roomwasactuallyprettyinteresting,andLottiecontemplatedgivingupthe

chaseandfindingafriendtoplaywith,butintriguetriumphed.Shemadeher

waytowardthekitchen,steppingovervarioushappypeoplehereandlingering

theretoappreciatesomeparticularlyexcitingactivity.Pausingtocheckoutthe

dipandreplenishherbloodsugar,Lottielookedoutthewindowandtherewas

June,hidingoutonthepatio.

Lottiearrangedafewgoodiesonaplateandtrottedoutsidetosharethem

withJune.But,althoughtheywerechattingquiteamiably,Lottiefeltshewasn’t

connecting.Hermostflirtatioussalliesweremetwithnoresponsewhatsoever:

June,petrified,wouldonlybreathedeepandconsciouslyholdasstillasshe

could.Lottie,frustrated,decidedonthedirectapproach.“Ithinkyou’rereally

attractive.Wouldyouliketoplaywithme?Whatsortofthingsdoyouliketo

do?”June,corneredagain,stammered,“Idon’tthinkI’mreadytohavesexin

public,sosorry.”

Justthen,Carol,stillwearingherbootsalthoughsheseemedtohavelosther

shirtsomewhere,sauntereduptothetableandsatdown.WhileJune

wonderedhowshecoulddisappearintothebusheswithoutappearinggauche,

LottiegreetedCarolbyplacingherthigh—whichCarol,beingawomanwho

knewhowtoact,promptlystrokedandadmired—inCarol’slap.Lottie,notout

ofrevengebutsimplyfromadesirenottowasteaperfectlygoodparty,asked

Carol:“How’syourdancecardtonight?Gotroomforme?”

Carolaskedwhatwasherfancy,andLottiesuggestedthatshehadayenfor

asensitivefist,andCarolsaidshewouldbehappytoobligebutfirstneededto

checkwithSusieaboutaplantheyhadforlater.Bothhappilystartedoff,and

Junewaslefttoherself.Wassherelieved,shewondered?Well…notexactly.But

shewascuriousenoughtofollowCarolintothelivingroomtoseewhatwould

happennext.

Afewminuteslater,LottiewassurprisedtoseeCarolandJunebothsittingin

thewindowseat,backstothesides,feetinthemiddle.Lottie,neverslowto

leaponopportunity,sashayedacrosstheroom,climbeduponbothpairsof

feet,andproclaimed,“HereIam!”Carol,wellversedinthewaysoffemmes,

calledforglovesandlubeandfirmlypushedLottieintoJune’slap:“Willyou

holdherforme,please?”Andnextthing,thereshewas,holdingLottie’sgently

squirmingbody.Amazing,thoughtJune,justamazing.Shegotagoodgripon

Lottie,tookadeepbreath,andoffshewentontheride.

Juneconcentratedonkeepingupagoodfrontandtryingnottonotice

severalsmilingwomenwhohadsettleddowntowatchtheactiononthe

windowseat,whileCarolcompetentlywenttoworktoturnLottieon,lubeher

up,andgetheroff.Omigod,thoughtJune,howamIgoingtogetthroughthis?

I’mtouchingthiswoman’sbreastandIhardlyknowher.Maybe,shethought,I

canpretendthisissomeoneI’vealreadymadelovewith.

LottiehadbracedherfootoverCarol’sshoulderagainstthewindowframe

andwasenergeticallypushingherselfdownonCarol’shand.Sheletoutabig

groanasthehandslippedin,andtheybothstartedfuckinghardandloud.June

hadallshecoulddotopreventLottiefromwrithingoutofhergripandfalling

ontothefloor.Lottiefinallycame—loudly,noticedJune,veryloudly—andJune

noticedshehadn’tbreathedforawhileandtookabiggaspingbreath.Allthree

lettheirbodiesgolimponthewindowseatandinvestedafewmomentsinjust

feelinggood.

Realityeventuallyasserteditself.Lottiesatupandpolitelyofferedtofuck

Carolinreturn.Carolsaidno,thanks,IalreadypromisedSusie,andLottieand

Carolwentoffindifferentdirections,leavingJunealoneonthewindowseat,

feelingabitthunderstruck.Imusthavefallenintosomeotheruniverse,

marveledJune.Itwaskindoffun,andIthinkIdidokay.Butitwasstilltoo

much.IthinkI’dbettergotosleep.

Adaypassed.Backathome,Lottiefoundshecouldnotstopthinkingabout

June.ShecalledFlashanddiscoveredthatJunehadflownoutofSanFrancisco

thatmorning.Twodayslater,Junereceivedthisletter:

DearJune,

It’sabeautifulmorninguponmymountain,thesunisstreamingthroughthe

redwoodtrees—yesterday,walkingupontheridge,Isawahugejackrabbit

wanderingthroughafieldoftinybrightflowers.IfImakeyourmouthwaterfor

themountains,willyoucomevisitme?

Whoareyouanyway?How,asaBuddhist,doyoudealwithdesireand

passion?Myspiritualpathisaboutgraspingdesireandridingittocommunion

withtheTao.Iworrythatthismightnotbeacceptabletoyou:althoughIam

usedtobeingunacceptabletomany,Iwouldratherthatnotbethecasewith

you.

IreallyliketheconnectionwemadeatFlash’s.Pleasewriteandreveal

yourselftome.Whatareyourthoughtsaboutsex,art,nature?Ibetyoudream

upsomegreatbedtimestories.

Iwishyouwerehere—writingtoyouismakingmenervousandIwouldlikea

cuddle.AsIreadoverthislettertryingtodecidehowfartogo,IrealizeIhave

probablyalreadygonetoofar—ohwell,Ialwaysdo.

Love,

Lottie

Eightmonthsandapproximatelythreethousanddollars’worthofphonebills

later,nottomentionafewimpulsiveairfares,Juneputallherworldlygoodsinher

truck, Lottie flew out to meet her, and they drove across the Great Divide to a

sweetlittlehouseinthecountry,wheretheylivedtogetherformanyhappyyears.

GenderDifferences

Weliveinasocietywherepeoplelearnsomeprettywarpedideasaboutsex.Girls

learn that they are not supposed to be sexual without falling in love; boys learn

thatsexisacommoditythatyougetfromanotherperson.Groupsexonlyworks

when everybody is acknowledged as a person: nobody likes being treated like a

means to an end. To avoid such problems, many group sex environments that

includebothmenandwomenrestrictthenumberofsinglemenwhoareinvited,

orinsistthatnomaniswelcomewithoutapartner.Theserequirementsareasad

lastresortfordealingwithanunpleasantreality,andweagreethatitisunfairthat

men of goodwill get penalized for the intrusive behavior of men who evidently

don’t know any better. But that’s how it is, and the only way we are going to

changeitistoworkonourownbehaviorandteachourfriendsandloverswhatwe

learn.

“Groupsexonlyworkswheneverybodyisacknowledgedasaperson.”

Cruisingisdifferentbygender,andthosedifferencesbecomeveryvisiblewhen

you compare gay men’s environments to lesbian orgies and see how they are

similartoanddifferentfromheteroorbisexualgroups.Gaymenseemtofeelsafer

withanonymoussex,andgaymalecruisingatbathsorclubsisoftennonverbal.

Onemanmightcatchanother’seye,smile,walkacrosstheroom,touchashoulder,

and then embrace, with little or no verbal communication. Lesbians are often

morecautiousandliketotalkforawhilebeforemovingintotheplayroomand

gettingdown.

Women in all group sex environments tend to be less open than men to

anonymoussexandtoprefersomecommunicationandpersonalconnectionfirst.

This respectfor caution is probablybecause women havehadserious reasons to

feel less than safe around sex with strangers and need some support to feel easy

enoughtoletdowntheirguard.Therearenorightsandwrongstothissituation—

orwhatwrongthereisexistsinourhistory,whichwecan’tverywellchange.

Transgenderpeopleinmanyenvironmentsmayfeelaneedtobecautious:too

oftenpeoplegetangrywhentheyareattractedtosomeonewhothenturnsoutto

beofsomesurprisinggender.Theattractionisprobablyreal;wewishtherewere

noneedtofreakoutaboutit.

Oneofthethingswelikeaboutwhattransgenderandnonbinarypeoplebring

intoourplaypartiesistheconstantexperienceofposingexceptionstoallthose

peskyrulesaboutgenderandpresentinginterestingexamplesofhowweallcanbe

free to be exactly who we want to be. Everyone of every gender and every

orientationhasarighttofeelsafeandfreetoenjoysex.

EstablishingConsent

Consent is an absolute requirement. Naive people sometimes assume that when

twoorthreeorfourpeoplearealreadyhavingsex,itis okaytojustjoinin and

start fondling somebody. At most parties it isn’t—because you didn’t ask and

becauseyou don’tknowwhatthesepeoplewantorwhattheirlimits are.Soyou

might do the wrong thing, and the people you tried to join will have to stop

whatever they are having so much fun doing to deal with you, and they will be

justifiablyangry.Atyou.

Howareyougoingtogetconsentfrompeopleinthemiddleofahotfuck—tap

themontheshoulderandsay,“WillyoupleasestopamomentsoIcanaskifIcan

joinyou?”Thereisjustaboutnowaytojoinasexualscenethathasalreadystarted

unless you are already lovers with all the people involved, and even then you

shouldbecareful.Whenwewonderwhetherit’sokaytojoinfriendsofourswho

have already begun to play, we usually watch from a respectful distance until

somebody catches our eye and either beckons us over or doesn’t. Respect for

boundaries,aswehavesaidbefore,ismandatoryifeveryoneisgoingtofeelsafe

enoughtoplayfreelyandwithoutconstraint.Don’tbethepersonwhomakesthe

environmentunsafe.

Ifyouareplayingatapartyandsomeoneinvadesyourspace,youarequiteright

totellthatpersontomoveaway.Itisalsoappropriatetoletyourhostknowabout

intrusivepeopleandpushycome-ons—partyhostsdevelopskillstotalkwithpeople

about appropriate behavior and explain why the etiquette is as it is, and if the

personwillnotlearn,thehosthasthepowertoremovethatpersonfromtheguest

list.

WatchYourExpectations

Mostpeopleapproachtheirfirstgroupsexpartyinamaelstromoffears,fantasies,

and wild expectations about what might or, worse yet, might not happen. We

stronglyrecommendthatyougetagriponyourself,acknowledgethatyouactually

don’tknowwhatisgoingtohappen,andgotothepartywiththeexpectationthat

youwillbeproudofyourselfifyoumanagetowalkinthedoor.Ifyoustayforan

hour and watch, you get a gold star. If you manage to introduce yourself to

someoneandholdaconversation,giveyourselfamedalofhonor.

Going to an orgy is very challenging. Expect to be nervous. Expect to worry.

Expectafashioncrisis,andallowat leasttwohourstogetdressed.Helpfulhint:

build your outfit from materials that feel sensual—silk, leather, latex—so you feel

sensuous,too.Avoidfragileantiquesorpriceydesignerclothesifyouwanttofuck

inthem.Dresstofeelhot,lookgood,andbecomfortable—it’sbadenoughtohave

yourstomachchurning;youdon’tneedyourshoespinching.

“Expectafashioncrisis.”

Many parties have anarrival windowandspecify when doors open andwhen

theyclose.Otherwise,allthesenervouspeoplewillarrivelateafterspendinghours

workinguptheircourageandtheiroutfits,andthepartyhostswillnevergetany

timetoplay.

If this is your first party, take it easy on yourself. Promise yourself, and your

companions, that you will leave if anyone gets too uncomfortable. Establish a

signal, perhaps a hand on the elbow, to let them know that you need a private

placetotalkorthatyouneedsupport.Useanothersignaltocommunicatetothem

thatyou’dliketoleavesoon,withtheunderstandingthatsomeonewho’shappily

cruisingorflirtingorfoolingaroundmayneedsometimetowrapupwhatever’s

goingon.

Gowiththegoalofmakingafewacquaintancesandgettingfamiliarwiththe

scene andyour reactions toit.Ifyoudoget inspiredtoplayandfindsomeone

whowantstoplaywithyou,that’sfine,andifyoudon’t,that’sfine,too.Always

remember that this is your first party, potentially the first of many. You don’t

needtoaccomplishalifetimeoffantasiestonight;youhavetherestofyourlifeto

dothat.Youjustneedtotakeyourfirststeps.

CouplesandGroupsattheOrgy

Dealwithyourexistingrelationshipsbeforeyougototheparty.Thisisimportant.

Areyougoingtogethertoshowoffyourincrediblesexiness?Areyoucruisingfor

someone to make love with both, or all, of you? Or are you going as separate

individuals,tomeetpeopleandsharesexwiththem?Ifoneofyouconnectswitha

hotnumber,aretheothers invitedtojoinin?Doyouneedanyone’sagreement

beforeyouplaywithsomeonenew?Ifyouneedtopauseinaflirtationtocheckin

withyourexistingrelationships,experiencedslutswilladmireyourthoughtfulness

and integrity. Are you committed to going home together, or is it okay for

someone to sleep out, and if everyone wants to, what about the babysitter? The

reason you decide all this in advance is that it is way too ugly to have a

disagreementaboutthissortofthinginpublic,whereifyoudodisagree,youare

likelytofeelembarrassedandangryandmakeabigunhappymess.

Two friends of ours got locked in a disagreement about going to sex parties.

Theyboth wantedtogo,butonewantedtogoandplaywiththe other,andthe

otherwantedtoplaythefield.Whattodo?Well,therearepartiesatleastoncea

month around here, so they decided to go one month as a couple to do things

together,andthenexttosupporteachotherinseparatecruising,eachactingasthe

other’swingmantohelpdirecthotnumberstowardeachother.

We like to watch couples make love at parties—you can see the intimacy, and

how well they know each other’s ways, how beautifully they fit together, how

exquisitelyorchestratedlovemakingcanbecomewithyearsofpractice.Welikeit

asafineexperienceforthevoyeurandbecausewecanlearnalotfromwatching

peoplewhoareexpertsoneachother.Showingoffyourwondrousbeautytogether

is excellent advertising for the next time, when you come to the party ready to

welcomenewpartners.

Play parties can also offeryou theopportunity to processfearsandjealousies.

Howdoesitfeeltowatchsomeoneyoulovehavesexwithanotherperson?Isit

really awful? You might be surprised to find yourself feeling pretty neutral, like

“Gee,Ithoughtthatwouldbothermebutactuallyitdoesn’t!”Youmightlikethe

chance to observe a lover, how powerful they look when they thrust, how fierce

theylookwhentheycome.Itmighteventurnyouon.Thereisdefinitelyarousal

tobefoundintakingrisks.Somefindthatgroupsexcanrevuptheirsexlifeat

homebyprovidingalotofstimulus,newideastotryout,andthemotivationand

energytomaketheirhomelifeashotasanorgy.

ButtonsandBiases

Expecttogetyourbuttonspushed.Expecttodiscoveryourbiases.Atagroupsex

party, you will share unprecedented intimacy with a bunch of strangers, and

sometimesthatwillbedifficult.Youmightstartintoathree-waythatincludesa

personofagendernewtoyou,whichseemslikeahotideabutmightturnoutto

pushsomebuttons.Yeah,weknow,yousetouttobothmakelovetoyourpartner,

but there you are, with this new person, being sexual, and probably in physical

contact,andhowdoesthatfeel?

Weliketoattendpansexualgroupsexparties,whichmeansthatattendeesmay

identifyasgayorlesbianorbisexualorheteroortransgenderorwhatever,butare

generally comfortable and happy to play side by side with people whose desires

and identities may be entirely different from their own. We are always running

into issues about the unfamiliar: the lesbian who has never been naked in the

presenceofmen;thegaymanwhofearsjudgmentfromwomenorviolencefrom

straightmen;thetranswomanwhogetstowonderwhetherthatpersonwhoisso

attractedtoherknowswhatshe’sgotunderherskirt,anddotheycare,andifthey

care,whataretheygoingtodo?

Whatever yourprejudices are—the people at this party aretooold,tooyoung,

too male, too female, too queer, too straight, too fat, too thin, too white, too

ethnic,whatever—itreallyisgoodforyoutolearntogetbiggerthanyourbiases—

sexy,too.

EverythingEmbarrassingYouNeverThoughtof

DoinginPublic

Inourfantasies,weallcometogetherassmoothlyasFredandGinger,carriedaway

bythemusiconarisingtideofpassion—andsometimesitwillbelikethat.But

youprobablywillneedtopracticefirst,justlikeFredandGinger.Your erection

mightrefusetocooperateasyounearthemomentoftruth,especiallywhenyou

suddenly remember you need to put a condom on it. Orgasm might be more

difficulttofocusoninanoisyenvironmentwithanunfamiliarpartner.Whatif

yousetouttoplaywithsomeoneandyoucan’tfindyourturn-on?

If you find yourself internally panicking, we encourage you to breathe. Slow

down.RememberthatthisisnottheOlympics.Youhavenothingtoprove—you

andyournewfriendaresettingouttodothingsthatfeelgoodwithyourbodies.

Touchfeelsgood.Strokingfeelsgood.Takingtimefeelsgood.Slowdownenough

sothatyoucantrulyfeelwhatyouaredoing.Worryingaboutthefuturewillnot

help you get there: focus on what you are feeling in the present. Erections and

orgasmsmightcome,mightgo,butyoucannevergowrongbydoingwhatfeels

good.

Thenoise andhecticenergy ofapartycanlead people torush,whenslowing

down would be a better way to connect with your turn-on. Different people are

turned on in very different ways. A very important kind of self-knowledge will

comeinhandyatthesetimes:knowwhatturnsyouon.Whetherit’sbitingonthe

neck or sucking on the backs of knees, when you know what gets your juices

flowing,youcanaskforit,andthenyourplaypartnerwillknowwhatturnsyou

onandfeelfreertotellyouwhatturnsthemon,andbeforeyouknowit,thereyou

allare,completelyturnedonandfloatingdowntheriverofunbridledlust.

TheTerrificallyGayTraditionofPoliticalActivism

andCommunalIdeals

Allofuswhoqualifyassexualminoritiesbecome,inmanyways,outcastsfromthemainstream

culture. Whenweneedtomaintaina closetat work,and our familieswon’tletus bring two

partnerstoThanksgivingdinner,andwearenotwelcomeatthechurchwegrewupinunless

wepretendtobe“normal,”thenweloseaccesstothesupportofourfamilies,ourreligions,our

communities.Gaymenhaveevolvedaclearanswertothisproblem:bandingtogethertobuild

communitiesoftheirown.Dossielivedinthesecommunitiesforthreedecades.(Janetwanted

to,desperately,butwasbusybeingaheterosexual,vanilla,monogamouslymarriedmomatthe

time.)

Please note that language that was used back then was very different from today’s

terminology—ourconceptsaboutgenderandorientationhavechanged,oftenbecauseofthe

peoplewearewritingabouthere.Also,wewritemostlyaboutSanFranciscobecauseitisthe

communityweknowbest.

Thepioneersofqueerculturehaveoftenbeenthemostvisiblydifferentandthusthemost

oppressedmembersofgaycommunities—thoseforwhomclosetsarenotpossible.Inthelate

1950s, two remarkable men from opposite ends of the gender spectrum began building the

culturewetakeforgrantedtoday.Remember,thiswastheerawhenevenwearinggarmentsof

the“wrong”genderoftencarriedacriminalpenalty,andactuallygettingcaughthavingsame-

sexrelationscouldlandyoualongstretchinjail(amongothersofyourownsex,gofigure).

Inthelate1950s,afemaleimpersonator(dragqueen)namedJoséSarriagottiredofgetting

harassed, beat up, and arrested, so he took to the streets in outrageous costumes for fierce

political activism. The police raided his parties, so he hired good lawyers and fought back.

Eventually he established a “beauty contest” in which men vied for the titles of Empress and

EmperorofSanFrancisco.Ifyouwonsuchatitle,youwereexpectedtogiveayearofyourlife

to organizing gatherings of your communities as fund-raisers for major charities, so queer

reputationswereimprovedinthewidercommunitybytheirabilitytoraisecashhavingfun.The

ImperialCourtsarenowfoundincitiesallaroundtheworld,stillfightingforallofourfreedom

by gathering together in outrageous visibility, in numbers too large to challenge, to throw a

hugepartyandraisemoneyforcharity.Sarriaisfondlyrememberedforgatheringallhisfansat

closing time on the sidewalk across the street from the police station, singing their anthem

“GodBlessUsNellieQueens”—checkhimoutonYouTube.

Meanwhile, in Chicago, Chuck Renslow, a gay photographer and publisher of physique

magazines featuring images of nude and near-nude men, went public when he opened a

leatherbarin1959calledtheGoldCoast.Heestablishedasimilarannualcontestthatwould

becomeInternationalMr.Leather,oneofthelargesteventsinthecityofChicago.Dungeons

arebuiltinhotelballrooms,hugecharitabledonationsareraised,andforoneweekend,every

hotelandeverystreetinthecityisfilledwithhappypeopleinhighleatherdrag.

By thelate1960s,theSummerofLovehad opened awholelotofminds tothepossibility

thattheremightbeafreerworldinthefuture,includingtheyummypossibilityoffreedomof

expression in sex and gender. Some outrageously queer sluts built astonishing institutions in

thateraofcommunalliving,spiritualtraveling,andpoliticalactivism.TheKaliflowerCommune

putoutaweeklynewsletter,hand-deliveredtoallthecommunesoftheBayArea.TheAngels

of Light, pioneers of the gender-bending movement, ran food conspiracies and performed

genderfuckstreettheater.TheCockettesputonstagedshowsandtouredinternationally.

By the late ’60s there were parades, with bears and butches and drag queens in bright

plumage,openingupaworldofpossibilitiesofwhatmenandwomenofallorientationscould

explore. Thesegender-benders representedthecuttingedgeof gay liberation, culminatingin

theStonewallRebellionof1969,inwhichtransgenderfolk—dragqueensandbutches—fought

backagainstpoliceharassmentandviolence.

Community development continued into the 1970s: buildings were bought, businesses

created. The development of the Castro in San Francisco and similar districts in other cities

spearheaded a new freedom that allowed visibly queer people, for the first time, to find jobs

andrentapartmentswithoutneedingtoliveindisguise.And1970sawthebeginningsofwhat

would become San Francisco Gay Pride, a hugely popular event that eventually became the

triumphalmarchthroughSanFranciscothatwecelebratetoday,againcreatingaplatformfor

politicalactivismandfundraisingforcharitywhilethrowingoneenormousparty.

Toward the end of the 1970s, the gay community, outcast from conventional churches,

steppeduptocreatetheirown.TheMetropolitanCommunityChurch(MCC)wasfoundedby

BaptistpreacherTroyPerryin1968towelcomeLGBTQworshipersofalldenominations.There

are presently 222 Metropolitan Community Churches around the world, in thirty-seven

countries.In1978theOrderofPerpetualIndulgencewasfounded,knownfortheiroutrageous

parodies of nun’s habits and amusing “saint” names like Sister Missionary Position and Sister

Frieda Peeples. A Sister must pass through serious stages of initiation as a postulant and a

novice before taking vows. The Order sees the Sisters as dedicating their lives to charity,

education, political street theater, and generally helping people. The Sisters worked tirelessly

throughout the 1980s to educate the public about safer sex and provide support to those

afflictedwithAIDS.TheRadicalFaeries alsoemergedaround 1979, creating auniquelyqueer

spiritual practice. Faeries formed “sanctuaries” by purchasing undeveloped land and creating

campgrounds and cabins, inviting everyone else in to celebrate the Grand Sabbaths, and

generating a culture that fit for them. There are now eight Faerie sanctuaries in the United

Statesandmoreinothercountries.

AstheAIDSepidemicunfolded,fartoomanyofthesebraveandbeautifulgaymenbecame

horribly sick; hundreds of thousands died in the United States alone. Once again, the gay

communityrolledup its elegant sleeves and went towork. TheSF AIDSFoundation became

thefirstofmany,asthecommunityrealizeditneededitsownsocialservicestoensureloving

treatmentofoursickmembers.AIDSactivistsspurredgovernmentinvestmentinresearchand

protested until adequate treatment centers were opened. In 1984, the Folsom Street Fair

becameanannualfestivalofhappyfar-outsexualities.Defiantlycolorfulinthefaceofsomuch

grimness, they collected money for charities (of course): now the charities were our own

institutions.

CurrentstatisticsshowSanFranciscoPrideandtheFolsomStreetFairasCalifornia’ssecond-

andthird-largestpublicgatherings.FromtheseedsplantedbyJoséSarriaandChuckRenslow,

theseenormousandlife-changingeventsandcommunitiesbloomed,andcontinuetoflower:

a great symbol of the growing power and strength of the queer community, the support

systemstheyhavecreatedforthemselves,andtheirincreasingacceptanceamongtheworldat

large. Fifty years ago, we used to start protest marches by dancing down the sidewalks

chanting, “Out of the closet and into the street!” Our activism started on the street and has

goneontochangemanylivesandmany,manyminds.

CONCLUSION

ASLUTUTOPIA

Well,hereweare,attheendofourbook.Butbeforewelaunchyoubackoutinto

theworld,wewanttoleaveyouwithonefinalconceptthatmayhelpyoushape

yourthinkingasyoudesignyourownlifefullofwhateverkindsofsexandlove

youwant.

FromTwotoMany

Theworldisveryfondofbinaries:blackandwhite,maleandfemale,mindand

body,good and bad.These pairs,wealllearn,areopposed: there’s the rightway

andthewrongway,andourtaskistodobattletodefendtherightanddestroythe

wrong. This kind of thinking dominates our courts, our politics, and our talk

shows,withsomecrazyresults:forinstance,somepeoplebelievethatanyonewho

enjoyssexoutsideofmarriage,orakindofmarriagethat’sdifferentfromtheirs,

mustbeattackingtheirmarriage.Anythingthatisdifferentmustbeopposed,must

betheenemy.

When right andwrongareyouronlyoptions,youmaybelievethatyoucan’t

love more than one person or that you can’t love in different ways or that you

haveafinitecapacityforlove—that“many”mustsomehowbeopposedto“one,”

or that your only options are in love and out of love, with no allowance for

differentdegreesorkindsoflove.

Wewouldliketoproposesomethingdifferent.Insteadoffrettingaboutwhat’s

right or what’s wrong, try valuing whatever is in front of you without viewing

anythingasinoppositiontoanyotherthing.Wethinkthatifyoucandothis,

youwilldiscoverthatthereareasmanywaystobesexualastherearetobehuman,

andallofthemarevalid,anabundanceofwaystorelate,tolove,toexpressgender,

tosharesex,toformfamilies,tobeintheworld,tobehuman…andnoneofthem

inanywayreducesorinvalidatesanyoftheothers.

Whenweopenourmindstoaworldbeyondopposites,webecomeabletosee

beyondunrealisticperfectionandunachievablegoals.Wecanfreeourselvestobe

fullyconsciousofallthewonderfulvarietyanddiversitythatthereisrightnowin

theworld,righthere,inthepresent,availabletous.

Thussluthoodcanbecomeapathtotranscendence:afreeingofthemindand

spirit as well as the body, a way of being in the world that allows expanded

awareness,spiritualgrowth,andlovebeyondimagining.

“Sluthoodcanbecomeapathtotranscendence,afreeingofthemindandspirit

aswellasthebody.”

ASlutManifesto

By examining the issues that limit our relationships and our understanding of

howwemightbe,weareplanningforasocietythatisappropriatetothewaymany

peoplelivetoday—one thatmeetsourneedforchangeandgrowthwhilefeeding

ourfundamentaldesireforbelongingandfamily.

Webelievethatmonogamywillcontinuetothriveasitalwayshas,aperfectly

valid choice for those who truly choose it. We want to open our vision to

accommodatemonogamyaswellasaplethoraofotheroptions—toplanforfamily

and social structures that have growing room, that will continue to stretch and

adapt, that we can fit to our needs in the future. We believe that new forms of

familiesareevolvingnowandwillcontinuetoevolve,nottoreplacethenuclear

familybuttosupplementitwithnewpossibilities:awholeworldofchoicesabout

sharingfamilyandsexandlove.Wewanttosetyoufreetoinventthesocietyyou

wanttolivein.

Our vision of utopia has free love—in all its forms—as the foundation of our

beliefsaboutreality,aboutpossibility,aboutstayinginthemomentandplanning

thefuture.Webelievethatthefreedomtolovehelpsusseeourlivesastheyreally

are,withthehonestytoperceiveourselvesclearlyandthefluiditytoletusmove

onward as our needs alter, as a changing and growing self with changing and

growingpartnersinachangingandgrowingworld.

Weseeethicalsluthoodleadingustoaworldwherewerespectandhonoreach

individual’sboundariesmorethanwehonoranypreconceivedsetofrulesabout

whattheirboundariesoughttobe.

Andinexpandingoursexuallives,weforeseethedevelopmentofanadvanced

sexuality where we can become both more natural and more human. Sex and

intimacyreallyarephysicalexpressionsofawholelotofstuffthatotherwisehas

no physical existence: love and joy, deep emotion, intense closeness, profound

connection, spiritual awareness, incredibly good feelings, sometimes even

transcendentecstasy.Inourutopia,intellectisnotatrapthatwegetstuckin,but

anhonoredtoolweusetogiveformtoourexperience.Wefreeournaturalselves

byopeningourintellectstosensualawarenessofourbodies,andwhenweareno

longer stuck in our intellects, we can become free to welcome spirit: intuitive,

experiencing the joy of life for the simple sake of experiencing, in communion

withourselves,witheachother,andbeyond.

OurFavoriteFantasy:AbundanceinSexandLove

We want everyone to be free to express love in every possible way. We want to

create a world where everyone has plenty of what they need: of community, of

connection, oftouch andsex andlove.Wewantourchildrentoberaisedinan

expandedfamily,aconnectedvillagewithincontemporaryalienation,wherethere

areenough adults wholove them andeach other,so there is plentyofloveand

attention and nurturance—more than enough to go around. We want a world

wherethesickandagingarecaredforbypeoplewholovethem,whereresources

aresharedbypeoplewhocareabouteachother.

Wedreamofaworldwherenooneisdrivenbydesirestheyhavenohopeof

fulfilling, where no one suffers from shame for their desires or embarrassment

abouttheirdreams,wherenooneisstarvingfromlackofloveorsex.Wedreamof

aworldwherenooneislimitedbyrules thatdictatethatthey mustbe less ofa

personthantheyhavethecapacitytobe.

Wedreamofaworldwherenobodygetstovoteonyourlifechoicesorwhoyou

choosetolove orhowyouchoosetoexpressthatlove,exceptyourselfandyour

lovers.Wedreamofatimeandaplacewherewewillallbefreetopubliclydeclare

ourlove,forwhomeverwelove,howeverwelovethem.

Andmaywealllookforwardtoalifetimeofdreamscometrue.

ASlut’sGlossary

New words and terminologies are coined constantly, which is a challenge for

writersandslutsalike.Thisprogressisinevitable:wemustrefineourlanguageas

wefreeourselvestoenternewexperiencesbecauseitisnexttoimpossibletothink

clearlyandmakedecisionsaboutchoicesforwhichyouhavenolanguage.

Many of the termsinthis book maybeunfamiliartoyou,andsomemaybe

defineddifferentlyindifferentregionsandcommunities.Additionally,newterms

areinventedfrequentlyandolderonessometimesfalloutoffavororchangetheir

meanings. In this glossary, we’ll define these words, and some others you may

encounterinopenlysexualcommunities,asweunderstandthemtoday.

ASEXUAL Someone who does not experience sexual attraction. The asexual

community, which is estimated to be at least 1 percent of people in the United

States,hasbuiltanextensivevocabularyforalltheflavorsandtypesofasexuality—

ifyoudoawebsearchon“asexual,”you’llfindplentyofinformationaboutthis

seldom-discussedorientation.

BDSMActivities in whichoneperson controlsthe behaviorof another,and/or

putstheminbondage,and/orgivesthemintensesensations.BDSMderivesfrom

B/Dforbondageanddiscipline,D/Sfordominanceandsubmission,andS/M(or

SMorS&M)forsadomasochism.Youmayalsohearitcalled“kink,”“eroticpower

exchange,”orjustplain“SM.”

CENTRIST Used to draw attention to unspoken expectations about the way

things “should”be.Weuse terms like heterocentrist,eurocentrist,male-centrist, female-

centrist,queer-centrist,andcouple-centrist.Couple-centristbeliefs,forexample,arethose

thattreatthecoupleastheprimaryunitofourculture,thusplacinganyonewho

isn’tpartofacoupleoutsidethemainstream.

COMMITMENT In common usage, seems to mean an agreement to lifetime

monogamy.Obviously,wedon’t use itthatway in thisbook.To us,commitment
meansmakingapromiseforthefutureandfollowingthroughonthatpromise—
whether it’s a promise to “cleave unto you only” or to meet for a hot weekend
onceayear.
COMPERSION A happy or even erotic feeling that arises from seeing your
beloved’s pleasurewithsomeone else.Formanypeople, adelight in compersion
helpsreduceanydifficultfeelingsofjealousy.
DRAMA A slightly pejorative term for the struggles that often involve
misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and so on. Those of us who have chosen to
avoidthewell-pavedroadofsocialexpectationsregardingrelationshipsmusthack
our way through some fairly dense shrubbery—or drama—to blaze our own
pathways.
FAITHFUL/FIDELITYOutsidethesepages,generallymeanshavingsexonlywith
oneperson.However,thedictionarysaysfidelityis“demonstratedbycontinuing
loyaltyandsupport,”andthatsoundsrighttous.
FLUID BONDING A safer-sex strategy in which committed partners agree to
have unprotected sex only with one another and to use barriers and/or stick to
low-risksexualbehaviorswithalltheirotherpartners.
FRIENDWITH BENEFITS Current parlance for someone with whom you can
havesex(the“benefits”part)withouttheneedtocommittoalifelongromantic
relationship(the“friend”)part.
FUCKCanmeangenitalsexingeneralor,specifically,penetrativesex.It’sstillthe
four-letterwordthatgetsthestrongestreaction(withtheexceptionofcunt),butit
seemsashametousthatsuchaniceactivitygetsusedasacurse.
FUCK BUDDY In common use in the gay men’s community, a friendly
relationshipthatisbasedonasexualconnection.
GENDERThecatchphraseusedingender-explorativecirclesis,“Yoursexiswhat’s
between your legs; your gender is what’s between your ears.” Someone who was
bornwithfemalegenitalsandchromosomesbutpreferstointeractwiththeworld
asaman(possiblyusingsurgeryand/orhormonestofurtherthatgoal)isthusof

the male gender. Those who prefer to occupy a place somewhere between the
extremes of binary gender, or who like to be playful with their gender
presentation, are called “nonbinary,” “genderqueer,” “gender-fluid,” or “gender-
bent.”
HETERONORMATIVITY The culture-defining belief that heterosexuality is
normal,thatnormalityisdesirable,andthatanyotherchoicesarenotnormaland
thuswrong.
INTERSEXApersonwhoisbornwiththephysicalcharacteristicsofmorethan
onesex.Intersexpeopleoftenlobbyforthefreedomtogrowupinthebodiesthey
werebornwithratherthanenduresurgeriesandotherinvasivemedicaltreatment
frombirthonwardtoforcethemtoconformtoamaleorfemalegender.
KINKAnyformofsexoutsidethemainstream,oftenusedspecificallyforBDSM,
leather,and/orfetishplay.
LEATHERAnotherwayoftalkingaboutBDSMandrelatedbehaviors.Theterm
isgenerallyinwideruseingay,lesbian,andqueercircles.
METAMOUR A lover’s lover. “My metamours and I like to get together for
brunchonceinawhile.”
MONOGAMISH The relationship style practiced by partners who are socially
pair-bonded but whose agreements allow some degree of sexual connection with
outsidepartners.Thewordwascoinedbycolumnist/activistDanSavage.
MONONORMATIVITYTheculturalbeliefthatmonogamyisnormalandthatall
otherchoicesgetdefinedinrelationtomonogamy.
MUNCH A social get-together of polyfolk in a restaurant or similar location.
Munches have been established for many online communities. Other ways of
meetinglike-mindedpeopleincludemeetups,potlucks,conferences,andsoon.
NEW RELATIONSHIP ENERGY (NRE) The intense feelings that may
accompanythe“honeymoon”phaseofanewconnection;alsocalled“limerence.”
NONJUDGMENTAL An attitude that is free of irrational or unjustifiable

moralizing.It does notmean“all-accepting.”It meansbeing willing tojudge an
activityorrelationshiponthebasisofhowwellitworksfortheparticipantsand
notonsomeexternalstandardofabsoluterightnessorwrongness.
OPENRELATIONSHIPArelationshipinwhichthepeopleinvolvedhavesome
degreeoffreedomtofuckand/orlovepeopleoutsidetherelationship.Hence,an
eight-persongroupmarriagemaybeeither“open”or“closed.”
OPENHEARTEDNESS Greeting the world with compassion and without
defensiveness; opening yourself to whatever love or connection your life offers
you.
ORIENTATION Usually means gay, lesbian, bisexual, heterosexual, or asexual.
Manypeopleengageinsex,romance,and/orintimacyoutsidetheboundariesof
theirchosenorientationwithoutfeelingtheneedtochangethatorientation.Itis
quite possiblethatorientationhasatleastas muchtodowith culture asitdoes
withsex.
OUTERCOURSESexthatfocusesonpartsofthebodyotherthanthegenitals.
Suchplayisgenerallynonpenetrativeand/ornon-fluid-sharing:handsandmouths
onskin,sextoys,mutualmasturbation,phonesex,role-playing,andsuch.Itcan
provideasafer-sexandbirthcontrolstrategy,isagreatwaytofindyourturn-on,
andisfuninandofitself.
PANSEXUAL Inclusive of all genders and orientations. The word is also
sometimesusedinlieuof“bisexual”bypeoplewhofeelthat“bisexual”refersonly
tobinarygender(itdoesn’t).
PATHOLOGIZE/PATHOLOGIZING To treat any behavior, including a
functional sexual or relationship pattern, as disordered or as a disease, usually
becauseit’sunfamiliar.
POLYAMORYOftenshortenedto“poly,”thisnewwordhasgainedagreatdeal
ofcurrencyinrecentyears.Somefeelitincludesallformsofsexualrelationships
otherthanmonogamy,whileothersrestrictitsmeaningtocommittedlong-term
love relationships (thereby excluding swinging, casual sexual contact, fuck-buddy
circles,andotherformsofintimacy).Welikeitbecause,unlike“nonmonogamy,”
itdoesnotassumemonogamyasanorm.Ontheotherhand,itsmeaningisstilla

bitvague.
POLYCULE A network of people connected through romantic or sexual
interactions.Itissometimescalleda“constellation”or“pod.”
POLYFIDELITYAsubsetofpolyamoryinwhichmorethantwopeople,possibly
two or more couples, form a sexually exclusive group. It is sometimes used as a
safer-sexstrategy.
QUEER A recently reclaimed word, originally an insult aimed at homosexual
people. In some communities this word means specifically “gay or lesbian.”
However,itisusedincreasinglyasapolitical/sexualself-definitionbyanyonewho
doesn’tfitneatlyintomainstreamsexualexpectations.Itisoftencombinedwitha
descriptionofwhatmakesyouqueer,asin“genderqueer”or“leatherqueer.”
RECLAIM/RECLAIMING If someone uses a word about you in an attempt to
insultoroffendyou,youcaneithergetangryoryoucandefusethewordbyusing
ityourselfsoit’snolongeraninsult.Wordsthathavebeenreclaimedinthisway
include“queer,”“dyke,”“faggot,”“tranny,”and,yes,“slut.”
RELATIONSHIPANARCHYAstyleofrelatinginwhichparticipantschoosenot
torankrelationshipsfrommostimportanttoleastimportant,andwhichrelieson
asfewagreementsaspossible.
RELATIONSHIP ESCALATOR A way of approaching relationships in which
each step leads inevitably to the next: from dating to sexual exclusivity to
engagementtomarriagetochildren,andsoon.Mostslutswillclimbagreatmany
stairstoavoidgettingontothis“escalator.”
SEX Frankly, it doesn’t matter what definition we use—sex is whatever you and
yourpartnersthinkitis.Andwhateveryouthinksexis,weapproveofit—because
allformsofconsensualsexcanbewonderful.
SEXADDICTIONReferstocompulsivesexualbehaviorthattakesoveraperson’s
lifetotheextentthatitinterfereswithhealthyfunctioninginrelationships,work,
or other aspects of life. It is far too often used as a way of pathologizing happy
slutsandisthesubjectofheateddebateinsextherapycommunities.

SEX-NEGATIVEThebeliefthatsexisdangerous,sexualdesireiswrong,female
sexualityisdestructiveandevil,malesexualityispredatoryanduncontrollable,the
task of every civilized human being is to confine sexuality within very narrow
limits,sexistheworkofthedevil,Godhatessex…Gotthepicture?
SEX-POSITIVEThebeliefthatsexisahealthyforceinourlives.Thisphrasewas
createdbysexeducatorsattheNationalSexForuminthelate1960s.Itdescribesa
person or group that maintains an optimistic, open-minded, nonjudgmental
attitudetowardallformsofconsensualsexuality.
SLUTApersonwhocelebratessexualityanderoticlovewithanopenmindand
anopenheart.
SLUT-SHAMINGTreatingsomeoneasless-than,orinsultingorharmingthem,
becausetheyhavesexinawaythatthespeakerthinksiswrongorexcessive.
SLUTWALKSDemonstrationsheldannuallyinmanymajorcitiestofightback
againstslut-shaming.
THEY/THEM/THEIR These pronouns are for use when you are uncertain of
someone’s gender or when they do not identify with conventional genders. The
English language is struggling right now to catch up with today’s fluid sense of
genderbyacknowledgingtheneedforgender-neutralsingularpronouns;asofthis
writing, “they/them/their” seem to be the gender-neutral pronouns of choice,
althoughWikipedialistsmorethanadozenotherpossibilities.Wehavechosento
usethey/them/theirinthisbook.Seegender.
TRANS (“trans,” “transman,” “transwoman,” etc.) Someone who identifies as a
gender different from the one their chromosomes and/or genitals dictate.
Transfolkmayormaynotdecidetotakehormonesand/orhavesurgerytochange
theirphysicalappearance.Seegender.
WINGMAN A friend who helps steer potential partners your way. A current or
formerlovercanmakeanexcellentwingman—whoknowsmoreaboutwhatmakes
youdesirablethansomeonewhohasdesiredyou?

FurtherReading

Wedecidednottoincludewebsitesinthiseditionbecausetheycomeandgoso

quickly,andbecauseafewminuteswithyourfavoritesearchenginewillpointyou

toward the information you need. We suggest being careful about using sexual

terms in your search unless you want to see your monitor fill up with links to

porn (which is nice when you want porn but not so good when you want

information);ifyou absolutely can’t avoidit,addthe word“educational”andit

willeliminatemostofthesmut:

vaginalfistingeducational

Start with a nonjudgmental and nonvulgar word for the subject that interests

youandthenaddothertermstofilteritdown.

Ifyouwanttofindresourcesinyourarea,usethenameofyourcityoranearby

city,likethis:

polyamorybisexualBoise

Ifthe thingyou wanttoknow abouthasmore thanone wordin it,then put

doublequotesaroundit,likethis:

“openrelationships”transBoston

We still like books best, though. The following is a list of books that we’ve

foundusefulforpolyamoryandothersexuallyadventurouslifestyles.Newbooks

areproliferatinglikebunniesinthespringtime,andwecan’tkeepupwithallof

them—soourapologiesifwe’veomittedyourfavorite.

The books we’re most familiar with are all terrific, and each one offers

viewpointsthatothersdon’t,butasofthelatestcount,weknowofdozensmore,

eachwithlotstooffer.Readthemall,butifyoucanonlyaffordafew,wesuggest

that you check out the ones we list here in alphabetical order by the primary

author’slastname.

TheIntimateEnemy:HowtoFightFairinLoveandMarriage,GeorgeR.Bachand

PeterWyden(Morrow,1968).Theconceptof“fairfighting”wasfirstexpounded

by Dr. Bach in this wonderful book. Published fifty years ago, the book is

somewhat outdated, but the material on communication as well as the detailed

descriptionsofconstructivewaystoshareyourangerwithapartnerarepriceless.

RewritingtheRules:AnIntegrativeGuidetoLove,Sex,andRelationships,MegBarker

(Routledge, 2012). An intelligent overview of the pros and cons of all the ways

people in the twenty-first century are choosing to arrange their sexual and

relationshiplives.

Reclaiming Eros: Sacred Whores and Healers, Suzanne Blackburn and Margaret

Wade (Suāde Publishing, 2007). Interviews with people all over the world who

practicesexworkashealing.

UrbanTantra,BarbaraCarrellas(CelestialArts,2007).Howtousethetechniques

of tantra—breath, gaze, motion, and so on—to bring greater intensity and

connectiontoyour sexplay.Inclusive of allgendersandorientations,including

BDSM/leather.

Sex for One: The Joy of Self-Loving, Betty Dodson (Random House, 1996). The

historicaffirmationofmasturbationasapathwaytoself-love.

The Survivor’s Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life After Childhood

Sexual Abuse, Staci Haines (Cleis Press, 1999). An amazing discussion of the

problems that can persist and the ways many people have succeeded in

overcomingthem.

The Guide to Getting It On, Paul Joannides (Goofy Foot Press, 2009).

Comprehensive, nonjudgmental sex information, aimed at teenagers and young

adults.

TheJealousyWorkbook:ExercisesandInsightsforManagingOpenRelationships,Kathy

Labriola(GreeneryPress,2013).Atroveofexercisestodosolo,withapartner,or

amongagroup.AlsocheckoutLabriola’sLoveinAbundance:ACounselor’sAdviceon

OpenRelationships(GreeneryPress,2013).

GirlSex101,AlisonMoon(LunaticInk,2015).Everythingyoueverwantedto

knowabout having sex with women. Written primarily for lesbian and bisexual

women (including trans women), but anyone who loves women can learn a lot

here.

TheEroticMind,JackMorin(Harper,1996).Abrilliantuntanglingoftheeternal

conflict between the comfortable ease of long-term relationships and the

passionatetensionthatlightsafireundersex.

ALegalGuideforLesbianandGayCouples(Nolo,2007)andLivingTogether:ALegal

GuideforUnmarriedCouples(Nolo,2008).Usefulresourcesforanyonewhocan’t,or

doesn’tchooseto,engageinlegalmarriage.

MatinginCaptivity:UnlockingEroticIntelligence,EstherPerel(HarperPaperbacks,

2007).Anyonewhohaseverbeenpartofalong-termrelationshiphasexperienced

thetensionbetweenthecomfortableeverydaynessofsettledloveandthesteamy

excitementofnovelty.Perel’sintelligent,informedbookcanhelpyoufindwaysto

accomplishboth,whetherornotyou’remonogamous.

ExhibitionismfortheShy:ShowOff,DressUp, andTalkHot!,CarolQueen(Down

There Press, 2009). Uncovering your inner slut, for shy folks of all genders and

orientations.

The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone, Carol

Queen and Shar Rednour (Good Vibrations, 2015). Up-to-the-minute advice on

sexualityforallages,genders,orientations,andrelationshipconfigurations.

NonviolentCommunication:ALanguageofLife,MarshallB.RosenbergandArun

Gandhi(PuddledancerPress,2003).Oneofthebestcontemporarybooksforusing

communicationsskillsindealingwithconflictofallsorts.

SexatDawn:PrehistoricOriginsofModernSexuality,ChrisRyanandCacildaJethá

(Harper, 2010). Discussions of the wide variety of strategies humans have

developedtomanagesex andreproduction,andhow theyhave evolvedintothe

wayswelivetoday.

WhenSomeoneYouLoveIsPolyamorous:UnderstandingPolyPeopleandRelationships,

Dr. Elizabeth Sheff (Thorntree Press, 2016). A reassuring little volume to share

withscandalizedfamilies,friends,andcoworkers.

Joy of Gay Sex, Charles Silverstein (William Morrow Paperbacks, 2006). The

classicbookaboutmale/malesex,informativeandhot.

The Explorer’s Guide to Planet Orgasm: For Every Body, Annie Sprinkle with Beth

Stephens (Greenery Press, 2017). A fun, approachable, gender-flexible, illustrated

guidetoallkindsoforgasmsandhowtodiscoverthem.

More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory, Franklin Veaux and Eve

Rickert(ThorntreePress,2014).Athorough,realisticguidetolong-termmultiple

relationships.

AskMeaboutPolyamory:TheBestofKimchiCuddles,TikvaWolf(ThorntreePress,

2016).Awholecartoonbookaboutpolyamory!Itslightheartednessmightmakeit

agoodchoicetosharewithanuncertainfamilymemberorfriend.

AbouttheAuthors

Dossie Easton is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in

alternative sexualities and relationships, with more than twenty-five years of

experiencecounselingopenrelationships.Sheistheauthoroffourotherbooks.

Shehasbeenanethicalslutsince1969.Visitwww.dossieeaston.com.

JanetW.HardyistheauthororcoauthoroftwelvebooksandfounderofGreenery

Press,apublisherspecializinginsexuallyadventurousbooks.ShehasanMFAin

creativewritingfromSt.Mary’sCollegeofCalifornia.Shesworeoffmonogamyin

1987.Visitwww.janetwhardy.com.

DossieandJanethaveauthoredseveralotherbooks,availablefromGreeneryPress:

When Someone You Love Is Kinky is for the friends, family, coworkers, and

partners of anyone who’s involved in an alternative sexuality like S/M, D/S,

leather,cross-dressing,orfetish.(Note:Janetwrotethisbookunderherformerpen

name,CatherineA.Liszt.)

TheNewBottomingBookandTheNewToppingBookshowhowtobringallyour

power,sexiness,andsmartstoyourroleasaBDSMbottomortop.

Radical Ecstasy: SM Journeys to Transcendence chronicles Dossie and Janet’s

individual and mutual experiences with altered states of consciousness during

BDSM play and offers some ideas drawn from tantra and other practices about

howtojourneythereyourself.

JanetisalsotheauthorofTheSexuallyDominantWoman(writtenas“LadyGreen”),

SpankingforLovers,and(withDr.CharlesMoser)SexDisasters…AndHowtoSurvive

Them,aswellasamemoir,Girlfag:ALifeToldinSexandMusicals(BeyondBinary

Press).

Index
A
Abortion,1.1,1.2,1.3
Abundance,1.1,1.2,con.1
Abusiverelationships,1.1,1.2
Affection,1.1,1.2
Affirmations
Afterglow
Age,1.1,1.2
Agreements
changing
consentand
emotionalcostand
examplesof
exercise
flexible
goals,defining
lackof
legal
makingandkeeping,c01.1,c01.2,1.1
needfor,identifying,1.1
negotiatingdifferences,1.1,c01.1
predictabilityand
purposeof
rulesvs.
vetopowerin
AIDS.SeeHIV/AIDS

Alcohol,1.1,1.2
Analsex,1.1,1.2,1.3
Anger
communicating
exercise
importanceand
jealousyand,1.1,1.2
listeningto
workingwith
Arguments.SeeConflict
Aromanticism
Asexuality,1.1,1.2,1.3
B
BDSM,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4,1.5,1.6,1.7
Beliefs
ofethicalsluts
aboutlove
questioning,c01.1,1.1,1.2,1.3
inrightandwrong
Birthcontrol,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4,1.5
Bisexuals
cruisingand
sluthoodand
swingingand
Blackcommunities,polyin
Blame,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4
Bodyimage
Boundaries
childrenand,1.1,1.2
couplesdealingwith,1.1,c01.1
culturaldifferencesin

described
importanceof
inrelationships
role
singleslutsand
SeealsoLimits;“No,”saying
Breakups
Byrne,Olive“Dotsie,”
C
Celibacy,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4,1.5
Centrisms
Cheating,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4
Children
adopting
boundariesfor,c01.1,1.1
choosingtohave
creatingconsistencyfor
inextendedfamilies,1.1,c01.1
losingcustodyof
oflovers
loversand
questionsfrom
sexeducationfor
talkingwith
Choices,owningyour
ChurchofAllWorlds
Circles
Cleanlove,c01.1,1.1
Commitment,1.1,1.2
Communication
withchildren

dumpingvs.sharing
aboutjealousy
aboutsex,c01.1,c01.2,1.1,1.2,1.3
skills
Community/extendedfamily
boundariesand
breakupsand,1.1,c01.1
building
childrenand,1.1,1.2
Compersion
Competitiveness,1.1,1.2,1.3
Condoms,1.1,1.2
Conflict
blameand,1.1,1.2
exercises,1.1,1.2,1.3
fightingfair
freedomand
I-messages
jealousyconcealing
owningyourfeelingsduring
resolution,1.1,1.2
resourcesfor
responsesto
schedulingfights,1.1,1.2
takingtimetorespond
triggeringand
win-winsolutions,c01.1,1.1
writingletters
Connecting
challengesof
desiredrelationshiptypeand
exercise

throughpersonalads
venuesfor
“who”listfor
Consent
cultureof
defining,c01.1,c01.2,1.1
gaymenand
atgroupsexparties
importanceof,1.1,1.2,1.3
lesbianwomenand
violations,c01.1,1.1
Constellations,1.1,1.2,1.3
Couples
challengesfor
committed
cruisingas
married
monogamish
multihouse
atsexparties
singleslutswith
traditional
SeealsoOpeninganexistingrelationship;Partnerships
Couples’counselors
Cruising
flirtingvs.
genderrolesand,1.1,c01.1
atgroupsexparties
strategies
SeealsoFlirting
Crushes
Culturaldiversity

Curiosity
D
Denial
Disability
Disease.SeeSexuallytransmittedinfections(STIs)
Divorce,1.1,1.2,135.SeealsoBreakups
Drugs,1.1,1.2
Dumping
E
Ecosex
Emotions.SeeFeelings
Ethicalsluts
beliefsof
described
inlovewithmonogamists
manifestoof
newgenerationof
single
skillsof
utopianvisionfor
Exercises.SeelistintheTableofContentsonthispage
F
Faithfulness
Family
chosen
friendsas
newformsof
nuclear
oforigin,1.1,1.2
traditional,1.1,1.2
SeealsoChildren;Community/extendedfamily

Fantasy
Fear,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4,1.5
Feelings
avoiding,1.1,1.2
dumpingvs.sharing
exercises
honestyabout,c01.1,c01.2
others’,1.1,1.2
owningyour,1.1,1.2,c01.1,1.1
projecting,1.1,1.2
triggering
SeealsoJealousy;specificemotions
Feminism,1.1,1.2,1.3
Fidelity.SeeFaithfulness;Polyfidelity
Fighting.SeeConflict
Flirting
artof
cruisingvs.
genderrolesand,1.1,c01.1
SeealsoCruising
Fluidbonding/fluidmonogamy
Friends
withbenefits,1.1,1.2
breakupsand
exesas,1.1,1.2,c01.1
aslovers,1.1,1.2
partner’sloversas,1.1,1.2
assupport,1.1,1.2,1.3
Fuckbuddies
G
Gaymarriage.SeeSame-sexmarriage

Gaymen
activismandcommunalidealsof
cruisingand,1.1,1.2
sluthoodand
Genderfluidity,1.1,c01.1
Genderqueerpeople
Genderroles,c01.1,1.1,1.2,c01.1,1.1
Gossip,1.1,1.2
Grief,1.1,1.2
Groups
challengesfor
commitmentin
cruisingas
multihouse
atsexparties
Groupsex
buttonsandbiasesand
consent,establishing
couplesand
embarrassmentand
environmentsfor,1.1,c01.1
etiquettefor
expectationsfor
genderdifferencesand
public,1.1,1.2
forsinglesluts
true-lifestoryof
Guilt
H
Herpes,1.1,1.2
Heterosexuals

cruisingand
sluthoodand,1.1,c01.1
HierarchyofHardexercise
HIV/AIDS,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4,c01.1,1.1,1.2,1.3
Honesty
emotional,1.1,1.2
importanceof,1.1,c01.1,c01.2
aboutintentions
Horizontalhostility
Hypersensitivity
I
I-messages
Inadequacy,feelingsof
Infections.SeeSexuallytransmittedinfections(STIs)
Internet
breakupsand
connectingwithotherson,c01.1,c01.2
asinformationresource,1.1,1.2
Intersectionality
Intersex
Intimacy
adventurousnessand
avoiding,1.1,1.2
deepening,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4,1.5,1.6
mythsabout
J
Jealousy
babyingyourself
blameand
described
disempowering

exercises,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4
feeling/releasing
growingbeyond
lovewithout,1.1,c01.1
monogamyand
mythsabout
inothers
owningfeelingsof,1.1,1.2,c01.1
samplestoriesof,c01.1,1.1,c01.1
singleslutsand
talkingabout
toughingout
unlearning
Jellymoments
Journalwriting,1.1,1.2
Judgments,1.1,1.2
K
Kerista
Kink,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4,1.5,1.6
Kinsey,Alfred,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4,1.5
KinseyInstitute
L
Language,sex-positive
Leatherculture,1.1,1.2
Legalagreements
Lesbianwomen
cruisingand,1.1,1.2
sluthoodand
Letters,writing
Lifepartners,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4
Limerence

Limits
fearsand
physical
real-world,1.1,1.2
righttohave
setting
stretching
SeealsoBoundaries;“No,”saying
Listening,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4
Loneliness
Loss
Love
beliefsabout
clean,1.1,1.2
courageand
crushes
fallingin,1.1,c01.1,1.1
fearoflosing
mythsabout
romantic,1.1,1.2
self-
Lubricants
M
Marriage,1.1,1.2,1.3
Marston,Elizabeth“Sadie”Holloway
Marston,WilliamMoulton
Masturbation
withacondom
forlearninggoodsex
shameand,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4
McMillan,Clara

Meetups,1.1,1.2,1.3
Men
cruisingand
orgasmingwithoutejaculation
saying“yes”and“no,”54,1.1,c01.1
SeealsoGenderroles
Metamours
MetropolitanCommunityChurch
Mistakes,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4
Monogamish
Monogamy
benefitsof
choosing
fluid
futureof
jealousyin
mythsabout
serial,1.1,1.2
Munches,1.1,1.2
N
Needs
communicating,1.1,1.2
gettingmet,1.1,c01.1
forreassurance,1.1,1.2,1.3
Nestingpartners
NewRelationshipEnergy(NRE)
Nonbinarypeople
flirtingandcruisingby,1.1,1.2
sluthoodand
Nondemandpleasuring
“No,”saying

freedomof
genderrolesand,c01.1,1.1,1.2,1.3
importanceof
singleslutsand
Noyes,JohnHumphrey
Nudity
Nurturingyourself
O
Oneidacommunity,1.1,1.2,c01.1
One-nightstands,1.1,1.2
Openinganexistingrelationship
agreementsabout
attitudestoward
cheatingand
exercises,1.1,1.2,1.3
firststepstoward
vetopowerand
Openrelationships
choosing
commitmentin,1.1,1.2
couplesin
scriptfor
Oralsex,1.1,1.2
OrderofPerpetualIndulgence
Orgasms
benefitsof
withoutejaculation
rushingtoward
simultaneous
spiritual
Orgies.SeeGroupsex

Ownership,1.1,1.2
Owningyourfeelings,1.1,1.2,c01.1,1.1
P
Pansexuals,1.1,1.2
Partnerships
benefitsof
formsof
multihouse
natureof
SeealsoLifepartners;Nestingpartners
Pathologizing,1.1,1.2
Perry,Troy
Personalads
Planning,importanceof,1.1,1.2
Platonicrelationships
Pleasure
scheduling
worthinessof
Polyamory(“poly”)
culturaldiversityand
defining,1.1,c01.1
etymologyof
hierarchicalterminologyand
increasingvisibilityof,1.1,1.2
searchtermsfor
SeealsoOpenrelationships
Polycules,1.1,1.2
Polyfidelity
Possessions
Predictability
Pregnancy,unwanted,1.1,c01.1

PrEP,1.1,1.2
Primaryrelationships
described
multiple
reinforcingprimacyof
Projection,1.1,1.2
Publicsex,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4
Q
Queerness
R
RadicalFaeries
Rajneeshpuram
Reassurance,1.1,1.2,1.3
Relationshipanarchy
Relationshipescalator
Relationships
abusive,1.1,1.2
boundariesin
desiredtypeof
longevityof
platonic
primary,1.1,1.2,1.3
purposeandgoalof
role-constrained
variedpossibilitiesfor,c01.1,1.1
SeealsoCouples;Groups;Openinganexistingrelationship;Open
relationships;Partnerships
Renslow,Chuck,1.1,1.2
Respect,1.1,1.2
Revengefucking
Roles

boundariesfor
constrained
gender,1.1,1.2,1.3,c01.1,1.1
Romance,c01.1,1.1
S
Safersex
barriersand
birthcontroland,1.1,1.2
committingto
denialand,1.1,c01.1
drugsand
fluidbonding
gaymenand
herpesand
high-riskbehaviors,avoiding
HIV/AIDSand,1.1,1.2,c01.1,1.1,1.2
overviewof
PrEPand,1.1,1.2
singleslutsand
talkingabout
testingand
Same-sexmarriage
Sarria,José,1.1,1.2
Scoring
Self-esteem
Self-knowledge
Self-love
Serialmonogamy,1.1,1.2
Sex
abundanceand,1.1,1.2,con.1
afterglow

ageanddisabilityand
anal,1.1,1.2,1.3
bodyimageand
cleanloveand
conditionsfor
defining
disinformationabout
exercises,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4,1.5
expandingoptionsfor
genderrolesin
goal-oriented
good,learningtohave
loud
mythsabout
negativityabout,1.1,c01.1,1.1,c01.1
obstaclesto
oral,1.1,1.2
possibilitiesof,c01.1,1.1
purposeandgoalof
rationalizing
withoutareason
resistanceto
rethinking
scheduling
slowingdown
spiritual
talkingabout,c01.1,1.1,1.2,1.3,c01.1
turn-on,1.1,1.2
unprotected
SeealsoGroupsex;Masturbation;Publicsex;Safersex
Sexaddiction
Sexeducation

Sexualabuse
Sexualassault,1.1,1.2
Sexualdysfunction
Sexuallytransmittedinfections(STIs),c01.1,1.1
Sexwork,1.1,1.2,1.3
Shame,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4
Singlesluts
benefitsofbeing,c01.1,c01.2
culturalattitudetoward,1.1,1.2,1.3
ethicsfor
groupsexand
jealousyand
lonelinessand
aslovertoacouple
needsof
aspartnertoapartner
inrole-constrainedrelationships
singleswith
supportnetworkfor
Slowingdown
Sluts
asadventurers
benefitsofbeing
comingoutas
culturalattitudetoward,1.1,1.2
defining
exercise
historyof
hostilitytoward
judgmentsabout
mythsabout
reclaimingtheword,1.1,c01.1

stylesof
unethical
SeealsoEthicalsluts;Singlesluts
Splitting
Starvationeconomies,1.1,1.2,1.3
STIs(sexuallytransmittedinfections),c01.1,1.1
Swinging
T
Tantra,1.1,1.2,1.3
Testing
Time-outs
Toys,sex,1.1,c01.1
Transpeople
flirtingandcruisingby,1.1,1.2
sluthoodand
Traumasurvivors
Triads
Tribes
Triggers,emotional
Turn-on,1.1,1.2
Twenty-MinuteFight
“Tyrannyofhydraulics,”79
V
Validation,1.1,1.2
Vetopower
Vibrators
Violations,c01.1,c01.2
W
Wife-swapping
Wills
Win-winsolutions,c01.1,1.1

Women
cruisingand
saying“yes”and“no,”103
SeealsoGenderroles
WonderWoman
Workplace
Workshops,1.1,1.2,1.3
Writing,1.1,1.2,1.3
Y
“Yes,No,Maybe”list,1.1,1.2
“Yes,”saying,1.1,c01.1,1.1
Young,RonandLisa
Z
Zell-Ravenheartfamily

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The Ethical Slut Slut, Third Edition A Practical Guide To Polyamory

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