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MOREPRAISEFORTHEETHICALSLUT
“TheEthicalSlutwastheverybookthatfreedmyownsexuality,andalsoledmedownthepathofbecoming
asextherapist.It’sraretofindabookwiththecapacitytobothexpandyoursexualintelligenceandalso
raiseyoursexualconfidence.WeneedmorebrilliantauthorslikeHardyandEastonandthisliberating
book.”
—CHRISDONAGHUE,PhD,CST,authorofSexOutsidetheLinesandcohostoftheLoveline
podcast
“Asanethicalslutmyself,Iwasoverjoyedtodevourthisnewupdatedsexuallydiverseandeye-openingpie.
Slutsuniteethically!”
—DavidHenrySterry,best-sellingauthorofChicken:Self-portraitofaYoungManforRent
PRAISEFORTHESECONDEDITION
“TheEthicalSlutisoneofthemostusefulrelationshipbooksyoucouldeverread,nomatterwhatyour
lifestylechoices.It’schock-fullofgreatinformationaboutcommunication,jealousy,askingforwhatyou
want,andmaintainingarelationshipwithintegrity.Anabsolutemasterpieceandamust-read!”
—ANNIESPRINKLE,PhD,sexologistandauthorofDr.Sprinkle’sSpectacularSex
“Manypeoplewishforanddreamofawiderworldsexuallyandliveouttheirlivesunabletofindthe
couragetoexplore.Thisbookisathoughtful,practical,andlovinglookatthatexploration.”
—DAVIDCROSBY,musicianandauthorofSinceThen
“Thisbookisthedefinitiveguidetohavingyourmarriageandeatingotherpeopletoo.TheEthicalSlutmade
metheethicalslutIamtoday,andIamsoproud!”
—MARGARETCHO,comedianandauthorofI’mtheOneThatIWant
“TheEthicalSlut,inthisnewandexpandededition,isthedefinitiveguideforcreatingandsustainingall
consciousrelationships—polyamorous,open,alternative,andmonogamous.Don’tenterintoanother
relationshipwithoutit!”
—BARBARACARRELLAS,authorofUrbanTantra
“DossieandJanet’sblendofgoodhumorandforthrighthonestymakesforsomeofthebestwritingIhave
foundonsexuallycomplicatedrelationshipsandblendedfamilyoptions.Engaging,disarming,forthright—
thisisthebookforthoseofusstillbraveenoughtomaketheethicallycomplexchoices.”
—DOROTHYALLISON,authorofBastardOutofCarolina
Copyright©2017byJanetW.HardyandDossieEaston
Allrightsreserved.
PublishedintheUnitedStatesbyTenSpeedPress,
animprintoftheCrownPublishingGroup,adivisionofPenguinRandomHouseLLC,New
York.
www.crownpublishing.com
www.tenspeed.com
TenSpeedPressandtheTenSpeedPresscolophonareregisteredtrademarksofPenguin
RandomHouseLLC.
LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataisonfilewiththepublisher.
TradePaperISBN 9780399579660
EbookISBN 9780399579677
v4.1
a
Contents
PARTONE:WELCOME
1: WhoIsanEthicalSlut?
2: MythsandRealities
3: OurBeliefs
4: SlutStyles
5: BattlingSexNegativity
6: BuildingaCultureofConsent
7: InfinitePossibilities
PARTTWO:THEPRACTICEOFSLUTHOOD
8: Abundance
9: SlutSkills
10: Boundaries
11: TheUnethicalSlut
12: FlirtingandCruising
13: KeepingSexSafe
14: Childrearing
PARTTHREE:NAVIGATINGCHALLENGES
15: RoadmapsthroughJealousy
16: EmbracingConflict
17: MakingAgreements
18: OpeninganExistingRelationship
PARTFOUR:SLUTSINLOVE
19: MakingConnection
20: CouplesandGroups
21: TheSingleSlut
22: TheEbbandFlowofRelationships
23: SexandPleasure
24: PublicSex,GroupSex,andOrgies
CONCLUSION:ASLUTUTOPIA
ASLUT’SGLOSSARY
FURTHERREADING
ABOUTTHEAUTHORS
INDEX
Exercises
SlutsWeKnowandLove
SomeAffirmationstoTry
PracticeMakesPerfect
HowDoYouExperienceJealousy?
Reassurance
FifteenWaystoBeKindtoYourself
Treasures
FeelingsDyad
EightStepstoWin-WinConflictResolution
WhatIsAngerGoodFor?
HierarchyofHard
TheTwenty-MinuteFight
TheAirportGame
AHealthyBreakup
1
WHOISANETHICALSLUT?
Manypeopledreamofhavinganabundanceofloveandsexandfriendship.Some
believe that such a life is impossible and settle for less than they want, feeling
alwaysalittlelonely,alittlefrustrated.Otherstrytoachievetheirdreambutare
thwarted by outside social pressures or by their own emotions, and decide that
suchdreamsmuststayintherealmoffantasy.Afew,though,persistanddiscover
that being openly loving, intimate, and sexual with many people is not only
possiblebutcanbemorerewardingthantheyeverimagined.
People have been succeeding at free love for many centuries—often quietly,
withoutmuch fanfare.Inthis book,wewill sharethetechniques,theskills,and
theidealsthathavemadeitworkforthem.
Sowhoisanethicalslut?Weare.Many,manyothersare.Maybeyouaretoo.If
youdreamoffreedom,ifyoudreamofintimacybothhotandprofound,ifyou
dreamofanabundanceoffriendsandflirtationandaffection,offollowingyour
desiresandseeingwheretheytakeyou,thenyou’vealreadytakenthefirststep.
WhyWeChoseThisTitle
Fromthe momentyou saw orheardaboutthisbook,youprobablyguessedthat
someofthetermsmaynothavethemeaningsyou’reaccustomedto.
What kind of people would revel in calling themselves sluts? And why would
theyinsistonbeingrecognizedfortheirethics?
Inmostoftheworld,slutisahighlyoffensivetermusedtodescribeawoman
whosesexualityisvoracious,indiscriminate,andshameful.It’sinterestingtonote
thattheanalogouswordsstudorplayer,usedtodescribeahighlysexualman,are
often terms of approval and envy. If you ask about a man’s morals, you will
probablyhearabouthishonesty,loyalty,integrity,andhighprinciples.Whenyou
askaboutawoman’smorals,youaremorelikelytohearaboutwhomsheshares
sexwithandunderwhatconditions.Wehaveaproblemwiththis.
Soweareproudtoreclaimthewordslutasatermofapproval,evenendearment.
Tous,aslutisapersonofanygenderwhocelebratessexualityaccordingtothe
radicalpropositionthatsexisniceandpleasureisgoodforyou.Slutsmaychoose
tohavenosexatallortogetcozywiththeFifthFleet.Theymaybeheterosexual,
homosexual,asexual,orbisexual,radicalactivistsorpeacefulsuburbanites.
As proud sluts, we believe that sex and sexual love are fundamental forces for
good, activities with the potential to strengthen intimate bonds, enhance lives,
open spiritual awareness, even change the world. Furthermore, we believe that
every consensual intimate relationship has these potentials and that any erotic
pathway, consciously chosen and mindfully followed, can be a positive, creative
forceinthelivesofindividualsandtheircommunities.
Sluts share their sexuality the way philanthropists share their money: because
they have a lot of it to share, because it makes them happy to share it, because
sharingmakestheworldabetterplace.Slutsoftenfindthatthemoreloveandsex
theygiveaway,themoretheyhave:aloaves-and-fishesmiracleinwhichgreedand
generosity go hand in hand to provide more for everybody. Imagine living in
sexualabundance!
AboutYou
Maybe you dream of maintaining several long-term sexual and intimate
relationships.Maybe yourdream is of alot of friendships thatmay ormaynot
includesex.Maybetheideaofgenitalsexholdsnointerestforyoubutyoustill
want to form a warm, loving partnership…or two or three. Maybe you want
monogamy but a kind of monogamy that you and your partner have created
accordingtoyourowndesiresandnottheblueprinthandeddownbythegreater
culture.Maybeyouwanttobesingle,connectingwhereandhowyouwantwithout
changingyourfundamentalindependence.Maybeyouwanttobepartofacouple
thatoccasionallysharesabedwithamutuallydesirablethirdpartyorthattakesa
planned night away from monogamy every now and then. Maybe you dream of
three-way or four-way or orgiastic connections. Maybe you cherish solitude and
wanttofindwaystogetyourneedsmetallbyyourselfwiththeoccasionalhelpof
afriendorlover.
Or maybe you want toexplore different paths,totry afew things tosee how
they feel, to see how many kinds of relating you can fit into your busy and
interestinglife.
All these possibilities and a hundred more are legitimate ways of being an
ethicalslut.Asyoureadthisbook,you’llfindthatsomeofourideaswillbegood
fitsforthewayyouwanttoliveandotherswillnot.Takewhatyouwantandleave
the rest. As long as you and the people you care about are consenting, growing,
and taking good care of yourselves and the people around you, you’re doing
ethical sluthood right, so don’t let someone else’s opinions—including ours—tell
youotherwise.
AboutUs
Betweenus,werepresentafairlylargesliceofthepiethatissexualdiversity.
Dossie is a therapist in private practice in San Francisco, specializing in
alternative sexualities, nontraditional relationships, and therapy for trauma
survivors.Shehasidentifiedasqueerformorethanthirtyyears,informedbythe
women’s and the gay men’s communities andby her years of bisexuality before
that.Shecommittedtoanopensexuallifestylein1969whenherdaughterwasa
newbornandtaught herfirstworkshoponunlearning jealousyin 1973.She has
spentabouthalfofheradultlifelivingsingle,sortof,withfamiliesofhousemates,
lovers,andotherintimates.ShemakesherhomeinthemountainsnorthofSan
Francisco.
Many of you may remember Janet from the first edition of this book as
Catherine A. Liszt, a pen name she used back when her sons were still minors.
Now that they’re grown and independent, she has gone back to using her real
name. Janet lived as a teenaged slut in college but then essayed traditional
monogamy in aheterosexualmarriage for morethanadecade.Sincethe endof
thatmarriage,shehasnotconsideredmonogamyanoptionforher.Whilemost
peoplewouldcallherbisexual,shethinksofherselfasgender-bentandcan’tquite
figure out how sexual orientation is supposed to work when you’re sometimes
maleandsometimesfemale.She’smarriedtoabio-guywhosegenderisasflexible
ashers,whichislesscomplicatedthanitsounds.Shemakesherlivingasawriter,
publisher,andteacher,andlivesinEugene,Oregon.
Together,wehavebeenlovers,dearfriends,coauthors,andcoconspiratorsfora
quartercentury,inandoutofvariousotherrelationships,homes,andprojects.We
are both parents of grown children, both active in the BDSM/leather/kink
communities,andbothcreativewriters.Wethinkwe’reagreatexampleof what
canhappenifyoudon’ttrytoforceallyourrelationshipsintothemonogamous
’til-death-do-us-partmodel.
SexualAdventurers
Theworldgenerallyviewsslutsasdebased,degraded,promiscuous,indiscriminate,
jaded,immoraladventurers—destructive,outofcontrol,anddrivenbysomeform
ofpsychopathologythatpreventsthemfromenteringintoahealthymonogamous
relationship.
Oh,yes—anddefinitelynotethical.
Weseeourselvesaspeoplewhoarecommittedtofindingaplaceofsanitywith
sexandrelationships,andtofreeingourselvestoenjoysexandsexualloveinas
manywaysasmayfitforeachofus.Wemaynotalwaysknowwhatfitswithout
tryingiton,sowetendtobecuriousandadventurous.Whenweseesomeonewho
intrigues us, we like to feel free to respond, and, as we explore our response, to
discoverwhateverisspecialaboutthisnew,fascinatingperson.Welikerelatingto
differentkindsofpeopleandrevelinginhowourdifferencesexpandourhorizons
andofferusnewwaystobeourselves.
Sluts are not necessarily sexual athletes—although many of us do train more
thanmost.Mostofusvaluesex,notasawaytosetrecordsbutforthepleasureit
brings us and the good times we get to share with however many wonderful
people.
We love adventure. The word adventurer is sometimes used pejoratively,
suggesting that the adventurous person is immature or inauthentic, not really
willingto“growup”and“settledown”intoapresumablymonogamouslifestyle.
Wewonder:What’swrongwithhavingadventures?Can’twehaveadventuresand
stillraisechildren,buyhouses,anddotheworkthat’simportanttous?Ofcourse
we can; sluts qualify for mortgages just like everybody else. We tend to like our
lives complicated, and the challenge of maintaining stable work and home lives
whilediscoveringnewpeopleandideasisjustwhatweneedtokeepusinterested
andengaged.
“Wehateboredom.Wearepeoplewhoaregreedytoexperienceallthatlifehas
toofferandarealsogenerousinsharingwhatwehavetooffer.”
Oneofthemostvaluablethingswelearnfromopensexuallifestylesisthatour
programming aboutlove,intimacy,andsex canberewritten.Whenwebeginto
questionallthewayswehavebeentoldweoughttobe,wecanbegintoeditand
rewriteouroldtapes.Bybreakingtherules,webothfreeandempowerourselves.
Wehateboredom.Wearepeoplewhoaregreedytoexperienceallthatlifehas
toofferandarealsogenerousinsharingwhatwehavetooffer.Welovetobethe
goodtimehadbyall.
What’sNewinThisEdition
In the eight years since the previous edition of The Ethical Slut was published,
polyamoryhasbecomehugelymorevisible,whichmeansthataverywidevariety
of people of all races, genders, orientations, and backgrounds are becoming
interested in exploring the possibilities of relationships beyond culturally
compelledmonogamy.Inthisedition,wehavedoneourbesttospeaktoaswidea
range of potential readers as we can. Hence, you’ll find that we’ve given more
attention topeopleof color,asexualandaromantic people,peopleintheirteens
and early twenties,peopleof nonbinary gender, andother groups thattoooften
receiveshortshriftfromsex-positivecommunities.
Along-overdueconversationaboutthenatureandnuanceofsexualconsenthas
also moved into the forefront of the cultural dialogue. We’ve included a new
chapter on this important topic. And, just for fun, we’ve also added some short
historiesofthepeopleandideasthathavehelpedmakealternativesexualitywhat
itistoday.
TheLanguageinThisBook
Whenyousitdowntowriteabookaboutsex,aswehopeyouonedaywill,you
will discover that centuries of censorship have left us with very little adequate
language with which to discuss the joys and occasional worries of sex. The
languagethatwedohaveoftencarriesimplicitjudgments:Iftheonlypolitewayto
talk about sexuality is in medical Latin—vulvas and pudendas,penes and testes —are
onlydoctorsallowedtotalkaboutsex?Issexallaboutdisease?Meanwhile,mostof
theoriginallyEnglishwords—cockandcunt,fucking,and,ohyes,slut—oftenhavea
hostileorcoarsefeeltothemandareusedasinsultstodegradepeopleandtheir
sexuality.Euphemisms—peepeesandpussies,jadegatesandmightytowers—soundasif
weareembarrassed.Maybeweare.
Ourapproachtoasex-positivelanguageistoreclaimtheoriginalEnglishwords
and,byusingthemaspositivedescriptors,washthemclean.Henceouradoption
ofthewordslut(whichweareproudtosayhasinfiltratedthelanguageintheform
ofslutwalksandtherejectionofslut-shaming).Youwillalsofindinthisbook
words like fuck and cock and cunt used, not as insults, but to mean what they
actuallymean.
Wearewritingthisbookfromasex-positiveposition,inthebeliefthatweare
workingforahealthier andhappierandsafer world. We are aware, also, that for
many people, sex has not been a positive thing in their lives, whether from
culturalorreligiousshamingorfromexposuretosexualviolence,andsometimes
becauseforthemgenitalsexisnotwhattheywant.
Ourfondestutopianvisionsarethatwhensexandloveandintimacyaretruly
free, and seen as positive forces in our lives and in the world, we will be much
moreabletosolvetheproblemsofrape,sexualbullying,shaming,andrepression.
Indeed, we hope this book contributes to a world where you won’t settle for
anythinglessthanloveandfreedominyoursexlife.
Culturalblindspotscanshowupascentrisms:couple-centrism,heterocentrism,
eurocentrism.Nonmonogamy,extramaritalsex,andopenrelationshipsalldefine
themselvesbywhattheyaren’t,thusimplyingthatthey’resomeexceptiontothe
“normal”relationshipsthat“normal”peoplehave.
Polyamorywascoinedin1992andiscurrently,wearethrilledtoreport,included
intheOxfordEnglishDictionary.FormedfromLatinandGreekrootsthattranslate
as “loving many,” this word has been adopted by many sluts to describe their
lifestyles.Itisoftenabbreviatedaspoly,asin“Iamapolyperson.”Someuseitto
mean multiple committed live-in relationships, forms of group marriage; others
use it as an umbrella word to cover all forms of sex and love and domesticity
outsideconventionalmonogamy.Thewordpolyamoryhasmovedintothelanguage
sorapidlythatwethinkmaybethelanguagehasbeenwaitingforitforaverylong
time.
Inthisnewworldofsexandrelationships,newtermsgetcoinedallthetimeto
describe, or attempt to describe, the ever-changing spectrum of ways in which
people arrange their lives. If, as you’re reading, you encounter a term you don’t
understand,pleasechecktheGlossaryinthebackofthebook,wherewe’vedefined
manyofthesetermsforyou.ThefirstusageofeachGlossarytermismarkedlike
this.
Peopleoftenaskuswhywetalksomuchaboutsex.Weseesexastheelephant
in the room: huge, taking up lots of space, and too seldom included in the
discourseaboutrelationships.Inthisbookwewilltalkaboutmanykindsoflove
andwe’llalsotalkaboutsexualexpressionofallofthem.
Finally,wearedoingourbesttomakethelanguageinthisbookaspansexual
andgender-neutralaswecan:thisbookisforeverybody.Inpreviouseditions,we
switched back and forth between “he” and “she” pronouns, but in this edition,
withthenewlyincreasedvisibilityofnonbinarylifestylesandgenders,wewilluse
the gender-neutral pronouns they, them, and their whenever possible. Pansexual
means including everyone as a sexual being: straight, bi, lesbian, gay, asexual,
nonbinary,trans, queer, old, young, disabled, pervert, male, female, questioning,
transitioning. The examples and quotations in this book have been drawn from
throughout the huge array of lifestyles we have encountered in our combined
eightdecadesofsluthood:thereareinfinite“right”waystobesexual,andwewant
toaffirmallofthem.
PolyPioneers:AlfredKinseyandtheKinsey
Institute
Throughout this book, we’ll suggest that consensual behaviors like nonmarital sex,
masturbation,homosexuality,andBDSM,stillconsidered“sinful”and“perverted”bysome,can
infactbelife-enhancingandquiteunexceptionalwaystoconductanethicallysluttylifestyle.
Andifyou’renotshockedtoreadthat,youcanthankDr.AlfredKinseyandhiscolleagues.
Kinsey, an Eagle Scout raised in a repressively patriarchal household, rebelled by studying
insect biology rather than pursuing the engineering career dictated by his hyperreligious and
autocraticfather.Beforehe’dwrittenawordabouthumansex,hewasconsideredoneofthe
world’sleading experts on thegall wasp, and hadwrittentwowell-received monographs on
thetopicaswellasseveralothertextsonbiologyandnature.
Kinsey’s investigation into American sexual practices began when he was asked to team-
teachaclassonhumansexualityatIndianaUniversity.Hisinterestwaspiquedwhenhefound
himselfunabletoanswerstudentquestions:scientificresearchonhowpeopleactuallyhadsex
simply didn’t exist. At about this time, the socially maladroit Kinsey began a more personal
experiment: he met, fell in love with, and married the bright and tomboyish Clara McMillan
(“Mac”), a graduate student in chemistry. Both Prok (a lifelong nickname, granted by his
students,shortfor“ProfessorK”)andMacwerevirginsatthetimeoftheirmarriage, asmany
young couples were at the time; their difficulties in overcoming this inexperience were an
additionalspurtoKinsey’sdeterminationtolearnmoreaboutsex.
The completist spirit that had spurred Kinsey to collect tens of thousands of gall wasp
specimens led him to spearhead an epic project: interviewing thousands of Americans of all
genders, races, and classes about their sexual experiences and attitudes. He found enough
sponsorship money that he was able to hire and train colleagues, who would go on to be
respectedsexresearchersintheirownright,toassistinthisenormoustask.
Allinall,theycollectedmorethantwelvethousandenormouslydetailedsexhistories,eight
thousandfrominterviewsbyKinseyhimself.Kinseyreachedouttopeopleinlifestylesthatare
rarely public: minority communities, churches, small town PTAs, and many more. He
campaignedforone100percentparticipationinmanyofthesecommunities,tobecertainthat
he wasn’t leaving out people who might be too shy or embarrassed to volunteer. Kinsey’s
research and his conclusions are still well regarded even though statistical techniques are
much more sophisticated today. All subsequent research owes a huge debt to the work of
Kinseyandhisteam.
Thiscadre ofresearchersandtheirpartnerswouldbeconsidered,in today’sterminology,a
polyculeorconstellation.Whensexisdiscussedopenly,peopletypicallyfeelmuchfreertoact
ontheirdesires—so,unsurprisingly,bothProkandMacweresexuallyinvolvedwithseveralof
the researchers, who in turn had sex with one another’s spouses. Whatever difficulties were
encounteredinthisarrangement—andtherewereseveral—seemtohavehadatleastasmuch
todowiththeproblemofbeingsexualwithcoworkersastheydidwithsexualjealousy.Kinsey’s
frequently insensitive personal style was undoubtedly a factor as well. In spite of such small
flare-ups,theKinseyitesremainedcolleaguesandoccasionalloversuntilKinsey’sdeathin1956,
andmembersoftheoriginalcrewcontinuedatthehelmoftheKinseyInstituteforResearchin
Sex,Gender,andReproductionuntil1982.
Even today, more than half a century after Kinsey’s death, he is a controversial figure. His
booksSexual Behavior in the Human Male (1948) and Sexual Behavior in the Human Female
(1953)sold hundredsofthousands ofcopiesand createdshockwaves throughouttheworld
when his collected interviews and statistics revealed the frequency of sexual activities like
masturbation,extramaritalsex,andsame-sexconnectionsinbothmenandwomen.
However,thisimportantworkfellsubjecttotheCommunistwitchhuntsofthe1950s,which
cost him his funding and his health. Still today, those who oppose our contemporary sexual
freedomsciteKinsey’sbisexuality,nonmonogamy,kinkinterests,andnonjudgmentalismabout
hisinterviewsubjectsasreasonstodiscounthisgroundbreakingresearch.
However, the genie of sexual knowledge cannot be easily crammed back into its bottle:
today’s liberated sexual mores, including the acceptance of sex before or outside marriage,
homosexualityandbisexuality,BDSM,and,yes,poly,owetheirexistencetoDr.Kinsey’swork.
Prok,Mac,andtheKinseyitesareclearlyamongthepatronsaintsofethicalsluthood—notjust
fortheirpioneeringsexandrelationshipconstellations,butfortheworkthey did tobringthe
truevarietyofhumansexualexperienceintothelight.
2
MYTHSANDREALITIES
Thosewhosetoffdownthepathofexploringnewkindsofrelationshipsandnew
lifestyles often find themselves blocked by beliefs—both their own and those of
others—aboutthewaysocietyshouldbe,thewayrelationshipsshouldbe,andthe
way people should be. These beliefs are deeply rooted and far too often
unexamined.
We have all been taught that one way of relating—lifelong monogamous
heterosexual marriage—is the only right way. We are told that monogamy is
“normal” and “natural”; if our desires do not fit into that constraint, we are
morallydeficient,psychologicallydisturbed,andgoingagainstnature.
Many of us feel instinctively that something is wrong with this picture. But
howcanyoudigupandexamineabeliefthatyoudon’tevenknowyouhold?The
idealoflifelongmonogamyastheonlypropergoalforrelationshipsissodeeply
buriedinourculturethatit’salmostinvisible:weoperateonthesebeliefswithout
evenknowingwebelievethem.They’reunderourfeetallthetime,thefoundation
forourassumptions,ourvalues,ourdesires,ourmyths,ourexpectations.Wedon’t
noticethemuntilwetripoverthem.
Wheredidthesebeliefsgetstarted?Often,theyevolvedtomeetconditionsthat
nolongerexist.
Our beliefs about traditional marriage date from agrarian cultures, where you
madeeverythingyouateorworeorused,wherelargeextendedfamilieshelpedget
this huge amount of work done so nobody starved, and where marriage was a
workingproposition.Whenwetalkabout“traditional family values,”this isthe
family we are talking about: an extended family of grandparents and aunts and
cousins, an organization structured to accomplish the work of staying alive. We
see large families functioning in traditional ways in America today, often in
cultures recentlytransplantedfromother countries,or as abasic support system
amongeconomicallyvulnerableurbanorruralpopulations.
Controlling sexual behavior didn’t seem to be that important outside the
propertiedclassesuntiltheIndustrialRevolution,whichlaunchedawholenewera
ofsex-negativity,perhapsbecauseoftherisingmiddleclassandthelimitedspace
for children in urban cultures. Doctors and ministers in the late eighteenth
centurybegantoclaimthatmasturbationwasunhealthyandsinful,thatthismost
innocent of sexual outlets was dangerous to society—male circumcision became
commonplaceinthiserainanefforttodiscouragemasturbation.Anydesirefor
sex,evenwithyourself,hadbecomeashamefulsecret.
Buthumannaturewillwinout.Wearehornycreatures,andthemoresexually
repressiveaculturebecomes,themoreoutrageousitscovertsexualthoughtsand
behaviorswillbecome,asanyfanofVictorianporncanattest.
InhislecturestoyoungcommunistsinGermanyduringtheriseofHitlerand
theNazis,psychologistWilhelmReichtheorizedthatthesuppressionofsexuality
was essential to an authoritarian government. Without the imposition of
antisexualmorality,hebelieved,peoplewouldbefreefromshameandwouldtrust
their own sense of right and wrong. They would be unlikely to march to war
againsttheirwishesortooperatedeathcamps.
The nuclear family, which consists of parents and children relatively isolated
fromtheextendedfamily,isarelicofthetwentieth-centurymiddleclass.Children
nolongerworkonthefarmorinthefamilybusiness;theyareraisedalmostlike
pets.Marriagetodayisnolongeressentialforsurvival.Nowwemarryinpursuitof
comfort, security, sex, intimacy, and emotional connection. The increase in
divorce, so deplored by today’s religious right, may simply reflect the economic
realitythattodaymostofuscanaffordtoleaverelationshipsinwhichwearenot
happy;noonewillstarve.Andstillmodernpuritansattempttoenforcethenuclear
familyandmonogamousmarriagebyteachingsexualshame.
Webelievethatthecurrentsetof“oughta-be’s,”andanyotherset,arecultural
artifactsratherthannaturallaws.Indeed,natureiswondrouslydiverse,offeringus
infinitepossibilities.Wewouldliketoliveinaculture thatrespects thechoices
made by sluts as highly as we respect the couple celebrating their fiftieth
anniversary.(And,cometothinkofit,whatmakesusassumethatsuchacoupleis
monogamousanyway?)
Wearepavingnewroadsacrossnewterritory.Wehavenoculturallyapproved
scripts for open sexual lifestyles; we need to write our own. To write your own
scriptrequiresalotofeffort,andalotofhonesty,andisthekindofhardwork
that brings many rewards. You may find the right way for you and three years
fromnowdecideyou wanttoliveadifferentway—andthat’sfine.Youwritethe
script,yougettomakethechoices,andyougettochangeyourmind,too.
“Wehavenoculturallyapprovedscriptsforopensexuallifestyles;weneedto
writeourown.”
EXERCISE:SLUTSWEKNOWANDLOVE
Make a list of all the people you can think of who are not
monogamous, including public figures; characters from TV,
movies,books;andsoon.Howdoyoufeelabouteachofthem?
What can you learn, positive or negative? What do they tell you
aboutwhatkindofslutyoudoanddon’twanttobe?
JudgmentsaboutSluts
As you try to figure out your own path, you may encounter a lot of harsh
judgments aboutthe ways different people live.We’resureyoudon’tneedusto
tellyouthattheworlddoesnot,forthemostpart,honorsluthoodorthinkwellof
thoseofuswhoaresexuallyexplorative.
Youwillprobablyfindsomeofthesejudgmentsinyourownbrain,burrowedin
deeperthanyoueverrealized.Webelievethattheysayalotmoreabouttheculture
thatpromotesthemthantheydoaboutanyactualperson,includingyou.
“PROMISCUOUS”
This means we enjoy too many sexual partners. We’ve also been called
“indiscriminate” in our sexuality, which we resent: we can always tell our lovers
apart.
Wedonotbelievethatthereissuchathingastoomuchsex,exceptperhapson
certainhappyoccasionswhenouroptionsexceedourabilities.Nordowebelieve
that the ethics we are talking about have anything to do with moderation or
abstinence.Kinsey oncedefineda“nymphomaniac”as “someonewhohasmore
sexthanyou”and,scientistthathewas,demonstratedhispointwithstatistics.
Ishavinglesssexsomehowmorevirtuousthanhavingmore?Wethinknot.We
measuretheethicsofgoodslutsnotbythenumberoftheirpartners,butbythe
respectandcarewithwhichtheytreatthem.
“AMORAL”
Our culture also tells us that sluts are evil, uncaring, amoral, and destructive,
seeking to steal something—virtue, money, self-esteem—from their partners. In
someways,thisarchetypeisbasedontheideathatsexisacommodity,acoinyou
trade for something else—stability, children, a wedding ring—and that any other
transactionconstitutesbeingcheatedandbetrayed.
We have rarely observed any Jezebels or Casanovas in our community, but
perhapsitisnotverysatisfyingforathieftostealwhatisfreelygiven.Wedonot
worryaboutbeingrobbedofoursexualvaluebythepeoplewesharepleasurewith.
“SINFUL”
Somepeoplebasetheirsenseofethicsonwhatthey’velearnedisokayornotokay
according toGodortheir church ortheir parents ortheir culture. They believe
that being good consists of obedience to laws set down by a power greater than
themselves.
Religion, we think, has a great deal to offer to many people, including the
comfortoffaithandthesecurityofcommunity.Butbelieving thatGoddoesn’t
like sex is like believing that God doesn’t like you. Because of this belief, a
tremendous number of people carry great shame for their own perfectly natural
sexualdesiresandactivities.
We prefer the beliefs of a woman we met, a devoted churchgoer in a
fundamentalist faith. She told us that when she was about five years old, she
discovered the joys of masturbation in the back seat of the family car, tucked
underawarmblanketonalongtrip.Itfeltsowonderfulthatsheconcludedthat
theexistenceofherclitoriswasproofpositivethatGodlovedher.
“PATHOLOGICAL”
When psychological studies of human behavior came into vogue in the late
nineteenth century, Dr. Richard von Krafft-Ebing and Dr. Sigmund Freud
attemptedtocreatemoretoleranceby theorizingthatslutsarenotbadbutsick,
suffering from psychopathology that is not their fault, because their neurosis
derives from having their sexuality warped by their parents during their toilet
training.So,theysaid,weshouldnolongerburnslutsatthestakebutinsteadsend
themtomental hospitals tobecuredin anenvironment thatpermits nosexual
expressionatall.
During your authors’ childhood and adolescence in the early 1960s, it was
common practice to certify and incarcerate adolescents for “treatment” of the
“illness” of being sexual—especially if they were gay or lesbian, gender-dysphoric
and thus challenging cultural norms of gender, and/or female and in danger of
damaging their market value as virgins. (Think about the cultural assumptions
thatunderlieoneinsultthrownatwomenwholiketohavealotofsex:“cheap.”In
otherwords,femalesexualityisacommodityand,likeallcommodities,ismade
morevaluablebyitsrarity—soawomanwhosharessexwidelyisreducingherown
marketvalue.)Thissortofthingstilltakesplacemoreoftenthanyoumightthink.
More recently we hear about sex addicts, avoidance of intimacy, commitment-
phobia,andattachmentdisorders.Pathologizingexplorativesexualbehaviorisfar
toooftenusedasaweaponinamoralwaragainstallsexualfreedom.
Thewholeideaofsexaddictionis a controversial one—manypeoplefeelthat
the word addiction is not well suited to discussing behavioral issues like sex.
However,everybody seems toagree thatsubstituting sex for fulfillment of other
needs—to allay anxiety, for instance, or bolster sagging self-esteem—represents a
problem.
Only you can decide whether your sexual behaviors have become compulsive
and whether you wish to change them. Some people try to validate their sexual
attractivenessoverandover,usingsexasconstantreassurancebecausetheydonot
seethemselvesasinnatelyattractiveorlovable.Sexcanfeellike,andevenbe,the
onlycoinvaluableenoughtoattractattentionandapproval.
Somegroupsandtherapists who subscribe totheaddictionmodel may try to
tellyouthatanythingbutthemostconservativeofsexualbehaviorsiswrongor
unhealthyorasymptomofaddictionordisease.Weencourageyoutotrustyour
ownbeliefsandfindyourselfasupportiveenvironment.Sometwelve-stepgroups
encourageyoutodefinethehealthysexlifeyouwantforyourself.Ifyourgoalis
monogamy, that’s fine, and if your goal is to stop seeking sex in the place of
friendship,oranyotherbehaviorpatternthatyouwishtoresculpt,that’sfinetoo.
Wedonotbelievethatsuccessfullyrecoveringsexaddictshavetobemonogamous
unlesstheywanttobe.
“EASY”
Isthere,wewonder,somevirtueinbeingdifficult?
MythsaboutSluts
Oneofthechallengesfacingtheethicalslutisourculture’sinsistencethat,simply
because“everybodyknows”something,itmustobviouslybetrue.Weurgeyouto
regard with great skepticism any sentence that begins “Everybody knows…” or
“Common sense tells us…” Often, these phrases are signposts for cultural belief
systems that may be antisexual, monogamy-centrist, and/or codependent.
Questioning what “everybody knows” can be difficult and disorienting, but we
have found it to be rewarding: questioning is the first step toward generating a
newparadigm,yourownparadigmofhowyououghttobe.
Cultural belief systems can be very deeply rooted in literature, law, and
archetypes,whichmeansthatshakingthemfromyourownpersonalethoscanbe
difficult.Butthefirststepinexploringthemis,ofcourse,recognizingthem.Here,
then,aresome of the pervasive myths thatwehaveheardallourlives and have
cometounderstandaremostoftenuntrueanddestructivetoourrelationshipsand
ourlives.
MYTH#1:LONG-TERMMONOGAMOUSRELATIONSHIPSARETHE
ONLYREALRELATIONSHIPS.
Lifetimemonogamyasanidealisarelativelynewconceptinhumanhistoryand
makesusuniqueamongprimates.Thereisnothingthatcanbeachievedwithina
long-term monogamous relationship that cannot be achieved without one.
Businesspartnership,deepattachment,stableparenting,personalgrowth,andcare
andcompanionshipinoldageareallwellwithintheabilitiesoftheslut.
Peoplewhobelieve this mythmay feelthatsomething is wrong with them if
theyaren’tinacommittedtwosome.Iftheyprefertoremainfreeagents,ifthey
discoverthemselveslovingmorethanonepersonatatime,iftheyhavetriedone
ormoretraditionalrelationshipsthatdidn’tworkout…insteadofquestioningthe
myth,theyquestionthemselves:AmIincomplete?Whereis my otherhalf?The
myth teaches them that they are not good enough in and of themselves. Often
peopledevelopaveryunrealisticviewofcouplehood—Mr.,Ms.,orMx.Rightwill
automatically solve all their problems, fill all the gaps, and make their lives
complete.
A subset of this myth is the belief that if you’re really in love, you will
automaticallyloseallinterestinothers;thus,ifyou’rehavingsexualorromantic
feelings towardanyone but yourprimary partner,you’re notreally in love.This
beliefhascostmanypeopleagreatdealofhappinessthroughthecenturies,yetis
untruetothepointofabsurdity:aringaroundthefingerdoesnotcauseanerve
blocktothegenitals.
And, we must ask, if monogamy is the only acceptable option, the only true
formoflove,thanaretheseagreementsgenuinelyconsensual?Ifyoubelievethat
you have no other choice, we believe that you lack the agency that underlies
informed consent. We have many friends who have chosen to be monogamous,
andweapplaudthem.Buthowmanypeopleinoursocietyconsciouslymakethat
choice?
MYTH#2:ROMANTICLOVEISTHEONLYREALLOVE.
Lookatthelyricsofpopularsongsorreadsome classicalpoetry:thephraseswe
choose to describe romantic love don’t really sound all that pleasant. “Crazy in
love,”“lovehurts,”“obsession,”“heartbreak”…thesearealldescriptionsofmental
orphysicalillness.
The feeling that gets called romantic love in this culture seems to be a heady
cocktail of lust and adrenaline, sparked by uncertainty, insecurity, perhaps even
angerordanger.Thechillsupthespinethatwerecognizeaspassionare,infact,
the same physical phenomenon as hair rising up on a cat’s back, caused by the
fight-or-flightresponse.
Thiskindoflovecanbethrillingandoverwhelmingandsometimesahellofa
lotoffun,butitisnottheonly“real”kindoflove,norisitalwaysagoodbasisfor
anongoingrelationship.
MYTH#3:SEXUALDESIREISADESTRUCTIVEFORCE.
ThisonegoesallthewaybacktotheGardenofEdenandleadstoalotofcrazy-
makingdoublestandards.Somereligionspreachthatwomen’ssexualityiseviland
dangerousandexistsonlytolurementotheirdoom.FromtheVictorianera,we
gettheideathatmenarehopelesslyvoraciousandpredatorywhenitcomestosex,
andwomenaresupposedtocontrolandcivilizethembybeingpure,asexual,and
withholding—men are the gas pedal and women the brakes, which is, we think,
prettyhardontheengine.Neitheroftheseideasworksforus.
Many people also believe that unashamed sexual desire, particularly desire for
morethanoneperson,inevitablydestroysthefamily—yetwesuspectthatfarmore
familieshavebeendestroyedbybitterdivorcesovercheatingthanhaveeverbeen
disturbedbyethicalconsensualnonmonogamy.
We prefertolisten toour desires withan openmindandthen make choices
abouthowweact.
MYTH#4:THEONLYMORALWAYTOHAVESEXISWITHINA
COMMITTEDRELATIONSHIP.
Anoldsawhasitthatmenagreetorelationshipstohavesex,andwomenagreeto
sex to have relationships. Believing such nonsense leads to the idea of sex as a
currencyexchangedforsecuritybothfinancialandphysical,socialacceptance,and
the other perks traditionally granted to people who have achieved the culturally
mandatedstateoflifelongpair-bonding.Ifyoubelievethismyth,you’relikelyto
seesexforfun,forpleasure,forexploration—foranypurposeexceptcementingtwo
peopletogether—asimmoralandsociallydestructive.
MYTH#5:LOVINGSOMEONEMAKESITOKAYTOCONTROLTHEIR
BEHAVIOR.
Thiskindofterritorialreasoningisdesigned,weguess,tomakepeoplefeelsecure,
but we don’t believe that anybody has the right, much less the obligation, to
controlthebehaviorofanotherfunctioningadult.Beingtreatedaccordingtothis
mythdoesn’tmakeusfeelsecure—itmakesusfeelfurious.Theold“Awww,she’s
jealous—she must really care about me” reasoning is symptomatic of a very
disturbedsetofpersonalboundariesthatcanleadtoagreatdealofunhappiness.
MYTH#6:JEALOUSYISINEVITABLEANDIMPOSSIBLETO
OVERCOME.
Jealousyis,withoutadoubt,averycommonexperience,somuchsothataperson
whodoesn’texperiencejealousyislookedatasabitoddorindenial.Butoftena
situationthatwouldcauseintensejealousyforonepersoncanbenobigdealfor
another. Some people get jealous when their honey takes a sip out of someone
else’sCoke,whileothershappilywatchtheirbelovedwavebye-byeforamonthof
amoroussportingwithafriendatthefarendofthecountry.
Some people also believe that jealousy is such a shattering emotion that they
havenochoicebuttosuccumbtoit.Peoplewhobelievethisoftenbelievethatany
formofnonmonogamyshouldbenonconsensualandcompletelysecret,inorderto
protect the “betrayed” partner from having to feel such an impossibly difficult
emotion.
Onthecontrary,wehavefoundthatjealousyis anemotionlikeanyother:it
feelsbad(sometimesverybad),butitisnotintolerable.Wehavealsofoundthat
many of the “oughta-be’s” that lead to jealousy can be unlearned, and that
unlearning them is often a useful, sometimes even profoundly healing, process.
Laterinthisbook,wewillspendalotmoretimetalkingaboutjealousyandthe
strategiespeopleemploytocopewithit.
MYTH#7:OUTSIDEINVOLVEMENTSREDUCEINTIMACYINTHE
PRIMARYRELATIONSHIP.
Mostmarriagecounselors,andcertainpopularTVpsychologists,believethatwhen
amemberofanotherwisehappycouplehasan“affair,”thismustbeasymptomof
unresolvedconflictorunfulfilledneedsthatshouldbedealtwithintheprimary
relationship. This is occasionally true, but not nearly as often as many
“relationshipgurus”wouldlikeustobelieve.Themythtellsusthatsleepingwith
someoneelseissomethingyoudotoyourpartner,notforyourself,andistheworst
thing you can possibly do to your partner. This myth leaves no room for the
possibilityofgrowthfulandconstructiveopensexuallifestyles.
Itiscruelandinsensitivetointerpretanaffairasasymptomofsicknessinthe
relationship, as it leaves “cheated-on” partners—who may already be feeling
insecure—wonderingwhatiswrongwiththem.Meanwhile,“cheating”partnersget
toldthattheyareonlytryingtogetbackattheirprimarypartnersanddon’treally
want,need,orevenliketheirlovers.
Manypeoplehavesexoutsidetheirprimaryrelationshipsforreasonsthathave
nothing to do with any inadequacy in their partner or in the relationship. The
new relationship may simply be a natural extension of an emotional and/or
physical attraction to someone besides the primary partner. Or perhaps this
outside relationship allows a particular kind of connection that the primary
partnerdoesn’tevenwant(suchaskinkysexorgoingtofootballgames)andthus
constitutes a solution for an otherwise intractable conflict. Or perhaps it meets
otherneeds—likeaneedforuncomplicatedphysicalsexwithoutthetrappingsof
relationshiporforsexwithsomeoneofagenderotherthanone’spartner’sorfor
sexatatimewhenitisotherwisenotavailable(duringtravelorapartner’sillness,
forexample).
Anoutsideinvolvementdoesnothavetosubtractinanywayfromtheintimacy
yousharewithyourpartnerunlessyouletit.Andwesincerelyhopeyouwon’t.
MYTH#8:LOVECONQUERSALL.
Hollywood tells us that “love means never having to say you’re sorry,” and we,
fools that we are, believe it. This myth has it that if you’re really in love with
someone, you never have to argue, disagree, communicate, negotiate, or do any
otherkindofwork.Italsotellsusthatlovemeansweautomaticallygetturnedon
by our beloved and that we never have to lift a finger or make any effort to
deliberately kindle passion. Those who believe this myth may find themselves
feelingthattheirlovehasfailedeverytimetheyneedtoscheduleadiscussionor
have a courteous (or not-so-courteous) disagreement. They may also believe that
anysexualbehaviorthatdoesn’tfittheircriteriafor“normal”sex—fromfantasies
tovibrators—is“artificial”andindicatesthatsomethingislackinginthequalityof
theirlove.
“Weencourageyoutoseekyourowntruthsonyourwaytosluttybliss.”
StepstoaFreerParadigm
Sointhisslightlydisorientingworldofsluthood,inwhicheverythingyourmom,
yourminister,yourspouse,andyourtelevisionevertoldyouisprobablywrong,
how do you find new beliefs that support your new lifestyle? Letting go of old
paradigms can leave you in a scary emptiness, your stomach churning as if you
wereinfreefall.Youdon’tneedtheoldmyths,butwhatwillyouhaveinstead?We
encourageyoutoseekyourowntruthsonyourwaytosluttybliss,butjustincase
youcoulduseahintortwo,thenextchapterwillcontainsomeoftheonesthat
haveworkedwellforus.
Sluthood:TheNextGeneration
Weareawarethatsomeofthereadersofthistwentieth-anniversaryeditionareyoungerthan
the book they’re perusing. Moreover, some of this new generation of ethical sluts are the
children,orevengrandchildren,ofpeoplewhohavebeenexperimentingwithalternativesexual
andrelationshipstylesfordecades.
Whenwetalktofolksintheirteensandtwentiesabouttheirsexualityandhowitdiffersfrom
thatofpreviousgenerations,theycitesomeissuesthatwearehappytohear:
• “Consentisalanguage,andourgenerationspeaksitfluently.Becausewespeakmore
openly about issues of abuse and trauma—both in our personal past and our cultural
past—we’remoreawareoftriggersandhowtheywork(aidedbyrecentyears’improved
scientificunderstandingoftheneurophysiologyoftrauma).Wetendtoerronthesideof
caution,choosingtobecarefulaboutnotimpingingonothers’triggers.”
• “We’re much more open to gender fluidity and experimentation with gender. Because
we’renottoointobinarygender,there’salsoalotofblurringaroundtheideaofsexual
orientation,andtheolddefinitionsaremorphingintoageneralcategoryof‘queerness.’ ”
• “Ecosexisthenewparadigmformanypeopleourage:takingtheEarthasourpowerful
loverandtreatingherhugeenergieswithgentlenessandrespect.”
• “We’re more aware of issues of intersectionality, the ways that different categories of
historicaloppressionaffectoneanother.Weseemanytraditionalwaysofapproaching
oppressionas potentiallyproblematic:forexample,traditionalfeminismand traditional
gayliberationmay notrecognizetheissuesofpeopleofcolor.We’realsomuchmore
sensitivetoissuesofculturalappropriation.”
• “Becausewe’reapost-AIDSgeneration,we’vedecenteredpenilepenetrationas‘real’sex
andare interestedindevelopingourskillsinoutercourseandotherlow-riskbehaviors.
Ontheotherhand,welookatthegenerationthatlivedthroughAIDS,anditseemsthat
their lives were deepened and made more spiritual by that awful struggle. We haven’t
hadtodealwithanythinglikethat,anditmakesusverydifferent.”
• “We look at older politicians who are trying to ban abortion, restrict birth control, and
outlawsexwork,anditjustdoesn’tmakeanysensetous.Ourbodiesareourown,and
onlyweshouldgettodecidewhathappenstoourownbody.Weseethecontrollingof
bodies as fundamental to capitalism and that taking the locus of control back into
ourselves will help us join together to overturn patriarchy and capitalism for a more
humanewayoflife.”
• “We’ve grown up in a world where no consensual sexual or relationship behavior is
considered‘wrong.’We’veseenkinky,queer, andpolyfamiliesontelevision andin the
newspapers, and we want to live in a way that empowers us to try a little bit of
everything,keepingwhatworksfornowandleavingourselvesopentootheroptionsin
thefuture.”
Your authorsare thrilledtoanticipatethebravenewworldthatwillbecreatedbythisnew
generationofexplorativeandself-awarepeople.
3
OURBELIEFS
Weareethicalpeople,ethicalsluts.Itisveryimportanttoustotreatpeoplewell
and todoourbestnottohurtanyone.Ourethics comefromourownsenseof
rightnessandfromtheempathyandloveweholdforthosearoundus.Itisnot
okay to hurt another person because then we hurt, too, and we don’t feel good
about ourselves. We don’t want to live in a world where people treat each other
withcallousdisregard.
Ethicalslutdomcanbeachallengingpath:wedon’thaveapolyamorousMiss
Mannerstellingushowtodoourthingcourteouslyandrespectfully,sowehaveto
make it up as we go along. However, being a slut doesn’t mean simply doing
whateveryouwant,wheneveryouwant,withwhomeveryouwant.
Mostofourcriteriaforethicsarequitepragmatic:Isanyonebeingharmed?Is
there any way to avoid causing that harm? Is anyone feeling hurt? How can we
supportthem?Arethereanyrisks?Iseverybodyinvolvedawareofthoserisksand
doingwhatcanbedonetominimizethem?
Onthepositiveside:Howmuchfunisthis?Whatiseverybodylearningfrom
it?Isithelpingsomeonegrow?Isithelpingmaketheworldabetterplace?
Firstandforemost,ethicalslutsvalueconsent. When we use this word—andwe
will,often,throughoutthisbook—wemeananactivecollaborationforthebenefit,
well-being, and pleasure of all persons concerned. If someone is being coerced,
bullied, blackmailed, manipulated, lied to, or ignored, what is happening is not
consensual.Andsexthatisnotconsensualisnotethical—period.
Ethicalslutsarehonest—withourselvesandothers.Wetaketimewithourselves
tofigureoutourownemotionsandmotivationsandtountanglethemforgreater
claritywhennecessary.Then,settingasideanybashfulnesswemayfeel,weopenly
sharethatinformationwiththosewhoneedit.
Ethical sluts recognize the ramifications of our sexual choices. We see that our
emotions, our upbringings, and the standards of our culture often conflict with
oursexualdesires.Andwemakeaconsciouscommitmenttosupportingourselves
andourpartnersaswedealwiththoseconflictshonestlyandhonorably.
Wedonotallowoursexualchoicestohaveanunnecessaryimpactonthosewho
havenotconsentedtoparticipate.Wearerespectfulofothers’feelings,andwhenwe
aren’tsurehowsomeonefeels,weask.
Ethical sluts recognize the difference between things they can and should
controlandthingstheycan’t.Whilewesometimesmayfeeljealousorterritorial,
we own those feelings, doing our best not to blame or control but asking for the
supportweneedtohelpourselvesfeelsafeandcaredfor.
Don’tpanic—therestofthisbookisabouthowyoucanlearntobesuchafine
sexy grown-up. Your authors are here to help. Here are a few of the ideas and
beliefsthathavehelpedusgethereandmighthelpyou,too.
RethinkingSex
Areyouhavingsexrightnow?Yes,youare,andsoarewe.
Perhaps you’re looking around you in bewilderment: You still have your
clothingon,andmaybeyou’resittinginarestaurantoracrowdedbus.Howcould
youbehavingsex?
We think that the question of when you’re having sex is actually sort of
meaningless.Sexualenergypervadeseverythingallthetime;weinhaleitintoour
lungs and exude it from our pores. While it’s easy to determine whether or not
you’reengaginginaparticularsexualactivityatanygiventime—neitheryounor
weareprobablyhavingintercourseatthismoment—theideaofsexassomething
setaside,adiscrete,definableactivitylikedrivingacar,justdoesn’tholdupvery
well.
Wethinkeroticenergyiseverywhere—inthedeepbreaththatfillsourlungsas
westepoutintoawarmspringmorning,inthecoldwaterspillingovertherocks
in a brook, in the creativity that drives us to paint pictures and tell stories and
makemusicandwritebooks,inthelovingtendernesswefeeltowardourfriends
andrelativesandchildren.Inourcombinedthree-quartersofacenturyofworkas
sexwritersandeducators,we’vefoundthatthemorewelearnaboutsex,thelesswe
knowabouthowtodefineit,sonowwejustsaythetruthasweknowit:sexispart
ofeverything.
Right now, we’re writing about sex, and you’re reading what we have to say
aboutit.You’rehavingsexwithus!Wasitgoodforyou?Itsurehasbeenforus.
Morepragmatically,wehavehadlong,intenseintimateconversationsthatfelt
deeply sexualtous.Andwehave hadintercourse thatdidn’tfeelterribly sexual.
Ourbestdefinitionisthatsexiswhateverthepeopleengaginginitthinkitis.For
somepeople,spankingissex.Forothers,wearingagarterbeltandstockingsissex.
If you and anybody else involved feel sexual when you eat ice cream sundaes
together,that’s sex—foryou.Whilethis may sound sillynow,it’s aconcept that
willcomeinhandylaterinthisbookwhenwediscussmakingagreementsabout
oursexualbehaviors.
“You’rehavingsexwithus!Wasitgoodforyou?Itsurehasbeenforus.”
Denialvs.Fulfillment
Dossie’sbachelor’sthesiswascalled“SexIsNiceandPleasureIsGoodforYou.”
Evenifanygivenpersondoesn’tfindsextobeniceforthematthistimeintheir
lives,webelievethatshame-freeaccesstoallsorts ofconsensualsexisextremely
nicefortheworldinwhichwealllive.Thisideaisasradicalnow,inthetwenty-
firstcentury,asitwasbackinthe1970swhenDossiefirstwroteaboutit.
Ourcultureplacesaveryhighvalueonself-denial,whichisfinewhenthereis
hardworktobedone.Butalltoooften,thosewhounapologeticallysatisfytheir
desireforpleasureintheirutterlyfreetimeareseenasimmature,disgusting,even
sinful.Sinceweallhavedesires,puritanicalvaluesleadinevitablytoself-loathing,
hatredofourbodiesandourturn-ons,andfearandguiltoveroursexualurges.
Weseeourselvessurroundedbythewalkingwounded—bypeoplewhohavebeen
deeply injured by fear, shame, and hatred of their own sexual selves. We believe
thathappy,free,guiltlessconnectionisthecureforthesewounds;webelievethat
sexandintimacyarevitaltopeople’ssenseofself-worth,totheirbeliefthatlifeis
good.
YouDon’tNeedaReason
Ifyouwalkuptoarandomlyselectedindividualandproposethatsexisniceand
pleasureisgoodforyou,youwillprobablyhearalotofspluttering,argument,and
“yeah-buts”—STDs, unwanted pregnancies, rape, the commodification of sexual
desire,andsoon.Noneofthesechangesthecoreidea.
There is nothing in the world so terrific that it can’t be abused if you’re
determined to do so: familial connections can be violated, sexual desire can be
manipulated. Even chocolate can be abused. Abuse doesn’t change the basic
wonderfulness of any of these things: the danger lies in the motivation of the
abuser,notthenatureoftheitem.
If there were no such thing as sexually transmitted disease, if nobody got
pregnant unless they wanted to, if all sex were consensual and pleasurable, how
wouldtheworldfeelaboutitthen?Howwouldyoufeel? Ifyoulookdeepinside
yourself, you may find bits and pieces of sex-negativism, often hiding behind
judgmentalwordslikepromiscuous,hedonistic,decadent,andnotproductive.
Even peoplewho considerthemselves sex-positive andsexually liberated often
fallintoadifferenttrap—thetrapofrationalizingsex.Releasingphysicaltension,
relieving menstrual cramps, maintaining mental health, preventing prostate
problems, making babies, cementing relationships, and so on are all admirable
goals,andwonderfulsidebenefitsofsex.Buttheyarenotwhatsexisfor.People
have sex because it feels very good, and then they feel good about themselves.
Pleasure is a complete and worthwhile goal in and of itself: the worthiness of
pleasureisoneofthecorevaluesofethicalsluthood.
LoveandSexAretheEnd,NottheMeans
Our monogamy-centrist culture tends to assume that the purpose and ultimate
goal of all relationships—and all sex—is lifelong pair-bonding, and that any
relationshipthatfallsshortofthatgoalhasfailed.
We,on the otherhand,think sexualpleasurecancertainly contribute tolove,
commitment,andlong-termstability,ifthat’swhatyouwant.Butthosearehardly
theonlygoodreasonsforhavingsex.Webelieveinvaluingrelationshipsforwhat
wevalueinthem,aseemingtautologythatiswiserthanitsounds.
A relationship may be valuable simply because it affords pleasure to those
involved;thereisnothingwrongwithsexforsex’ssake.Oritmightinvolvesexas
apathwaytootherlovelythings—intimacy,connection,companionship,evenlove
—whichinnowaychangesthebasicgoodnessofthepleasurablesex.
A sexualrelationship may last foranhour ortwo.It’s still arelationship: the
participantshaverelatedtooneanother—assexpartners,companions,lovers—for
thedurationoftheirinteraction.
One-nightstandscanbeintense,lifeenhancing,andfulfilling;socanlifetime
love affairs. While ethical sluts may choose to have some kinds of relationships
and not others, we believe that all relationships have the potential to teach us,
moveus,and,aboveall,giveuspleasure.
Dossie remembers an interview with a young flower child back in 1967 who
made the most succinct statement of ethical sluthood we’ve ever heard: “We
believe it’s okay to have sex with anybody you love, and we believe in loving
everybody.”
YouAreAlreadyWhole
Webelievethatthefundamentalsexualunitisoneperson;addingmorepeopleto
that unit may be intimate, fun, and companionable but does not complete
anybody.Theonlythinginthisworldthatyoucancontrolisyourself—yourown
reactions,desires,andbehaviors.Thus,afundamentalstepinethicalsluthoodisto
bringyourlocusofcontrolintoyourself,torecognizethedifferencebetweenwhat
is yours to control and what belongs to other people. With practice, you can
becomeabletocompleteyourself—that’swhywecallthis“integrity.”
When you have built a satisfying relationship with yourself, then you have
somethingofgreatworthtosharewithothers.
“The only thing in this world that you can control is yourself—your own
reactions,desires,andbehaviors.”
AbundanceIsEntirelyAvailable
Manypeoplebelieve,explicitlyorimplicitly,thatourcapacitiesforlove,intimacy,
andconnectionarefinite,thatthereisneverenoughtogoaround,andthatifyou
givesometooneperson,youmustbetakingsomeawayfromanother.
Wecallthisbeliefa“starvationeconomy.”Manyofuslearnedtothinkthisway
inchildhood,fromparentswhohadinsufficientaffectionorattentionforus,so
welearnedthatthereisonlyalimitedamountofloveintheworldandwehaveto
fightforwhateverweget,sometimesincutthroatcompetitionwithoursiblings.
People who operate from starvation economies can become very possessive
aboutthepeople,things,andideasthatmattertothem.Theyseethewholeworld
inthatlimitedlight,sothatanythingtheygetcomesfromasmallpoolof“not-
enough” and must thus be taken from someone else—and, similarly, anything
anyoneelsegetsmustbesubtractedfromthem.
It is important to distinguish between starvation economies and real-world
limits. Time, for example, is a real-world limit: even the most dedicated slut has
onlytwenty-fourhourseveryday.Loveisnotareal-worldlimit:themotherofnine
childrencanloveeachofthemasmuchasthemotherofanonlychildlovesher
one.
Our belief is that the human capacity for sex and love and intimacy is far
greater than most people think—possibly infinite—and that having a lot of
satisfying connections simply makes it possible for you to have a lot more.
Imaginewhatitwouldfeelliketoliveinanabundanceofsexandlove,tofeelthat
you had all of both that you could possibly want, free of any feelings of
deprivationorneediness.Imaginehowstrongyouwouldfeelifyougottoexercise
your“lovemuscles”thatmuchandhowmuchloveyouwouldhavetogive!
OpennessCanBetheSolution,NottheProblem
Issexualadventurousnesssimplyawaytoavoidintimacy?Notordinarily,inour
experience.Whileitiscertainlypossibletomisuseyour outsiderelationshipsto
avoidproblems,ortoreduceintimacywithyourlifepartner,wedonotagreethat
this pattern is inevitableor evencommon.Many people, in fact,findthattheir
outside relationships can increase their intimacy with their primary partner by
reducingthepressuresonthatrelationship.
Thischaptercontainssomeofourbeliefs.Yougettohavebeliefsofyourown.
Whatmatters isnotthatyouagree with us butthatyouquestion the prevailing
paradigmanddecideforyourselfwhatyoubelieve.Exerciseyourjudgment—isn’t
exercisesupposedtomakeyoustronger?Thousandsandthousandsofethicalsluts
areprovingeverydaythattheold“everybodyknows”mythsdon’thavetobetrue.
Weencourageyoutoexploreyourownrealitiesandcreateyourownlegend,one
thatspurs youonwardinyourevolution,supports youas yougrow,andreflects
yourprideandhappinessinallyourrelationships.
OnLove
Asourrelationshipsblossomallovertherainbowofpossibility,eachonemayinspiredifferent
feelingsoflove.Whenwelearntorecognizeandwelcomeloveaswefinditinourheartsand
in all of its many and marvelous manifestations—sexual love, familial love, friendly love,
passionate love, gentle love, overwhelming love, caretaking love, and millions of others—we
discover a river of nourishment that can flow through our lives in a constantly replenishing
stream.
Butlikearealriver,thissourcecancontainmanycurrents.Thewaytofeelsolidenoughto
swiminthatever-changingriveristolearntoloveyourself.Somepeoplebelievethattolove
yourselfisselfishandtospendsomepartofyourlifefocusingonyourselfisnarcissistic.This
questionismoreeasilyansweredbydoingthanbythinking.Webelievethatself-nurturingcan
getyouthrough hardtimes andguide youintoalovingrelationshipwith yourself. Whenyou
followthroughwithasimpleactlikecomfortingyourselfwithhomemadesoup,spendingtime
deep ina beloved book, ortaking a sweetsolitarywalkina beautiful place, then yougetan
experienceofbeingkindtoyourselfthatcananswerallthosequestionsabout“Whatdothey
mean,lovemyself?”
Another way of discovering self-love is to go love someone else. If you have a hard time
feelingvaluablewhennooneisaroundtotellyou thatyou are, thenwhynotdosomething
that is valuable to others? Many unhappy sluts with no date this weekend have gone off to
serve dinner to the homeless at a local church and come back filled to the brim with good
feelingaboutallthepleasuretheywereabletogive.
Once youhaveahandleonlovingyourself,youcanpracticesharing that lovewithothers.
You’ve probably been taught to reserve the language of love for when you’re feeling
overwhelminglytenderandpassionateandonlyforthosewhohavemadehugecommitments
toyou.Maybeyou’vebeentaughtthatusingthe“L-word”implies thatyou aremaking some
largecommitments.Wouldn’titbebettertoaskourselveshowweloveanyparticularperson
ratherthanworryingaboutwhetherwedoornot?
Imaginehowyou’dfeelifallthepeoplewhocareaboutyoumadeapracticeoftellingyou
so. Imagine what the world would be like if we allowed ourselves to recognize and
acknowledgeandcommunicateallthesweetfeelings,tomakethelittlegesturesthatmaynot
belifechangingorpassionatebutthatneverthelessmakelifeworthwhile.
4
SLUTSTYLES
Ethicalsluthoodisahousewithalotofrooms:itshelterseveryonefromhappy
celibatestoecstaticorgiastsandbeyond.Inthischapter,we’lltalkaboutthemany
stylesofsluthoodthathaveworkedforus,forthepeopleweknow,andforhappy
slutsthroughouthistory.Whetherornotanyofthesescenariosfitsyou,wehope
theywillofferyousomeideasaboutwheretostartyourexplorationorperhapsthe
validationofknowingthatthereareotherslikeyououtthere.
RelationshipPioneers
Althoughthephrase“ethicalslut”isrelativelynew—Dossiecoineditin1995—the
practice is not. Cultural acceptance of practices outside monogamy has roller-
coastered up and down from acceptance to stern rejection, but regardless of the
opinions of church and state, there have always been those who have found
happinessandgrowthinsexualopenness.
ANCIENTCULTURES
You could spend your life as a cultural anthropologist trying to describe the
innumerable ways that human beings have chosen to be together sexually,
romantically,anddomestically—fromthetempleprostitutesofancientBabylonto
Mormonpolygynyandfar,farbeyond.So,ratherthantryingtolistthemall,we
justwanttonotethattheprevailingculturalvaluesthattwenty-first-centuryNorth
AmericainheritedfromEuropeseemtodatebacktotheRomanEmpireandto
early Christianity, which recommended monogamous marriage only for those
whocouldn’t manage celibacy, the ideal state. Cultures without those influences
have developed all sorts of ways for people to bond—polygyny (many wives),
polyandry (manyhusbands),groupmarriage,arrangementsin whichmarriage is
fundamentally a domestic business relationship and sexual dalliance takes place
elsewhere, ritual group sex, and pretty much any other configuration of human
heartsandgenitalsthatyoucanimagine.
UTOPIANSEXUALCOMMUNITIES
History is dotted with experiments in creating intentional sexual utopias, often
withaphilosophical orreligiousbasis:ifyou’re curious,read upontheOneida
community of nineteenth-century Ohio (or see the sidebar); Rajneeshpuram in
India(fromthelate1960s)andOregon(inthe1980s);andKeristainNewYork,
Belize,andSanFranciscofromtheearly1960sthroughthe1990s…tonamejusta
few. Such communities are usually built by one leader and may falter when the
leader is no longer available. However, their philosophies live on, adding new
visions and practices to the mainstream culture. Many practitioners of Western
tantra today, for example, can trace their practice to the teachings of Oshō, the
guidingspiritbehindRajneeshpuram.
ARTISTSANDFREETHINKERS
It’s easy to point to artists and writers who have built their lives around
intentional exploration of alternative relationships. If you’re curious about the
ways in which these relationships played out in times when there was even less
support than there is now, you can read up on the Bloomsbury group in early
twentieth-centuryEnglandandaboutfreethinkerslikeVitaSackville-West,Harold
Nicholson, George Sand, H. G. Wells, Simone de Beauvoir, Alfred Kinsey, and
EdnaSt.VincentMillay.Whatwecan’tknowishowmanynonwriterswerealso
buildingthekindofsexuallyopenlivesthatworkedforthem,becausethereareno
records of such lives. We feel safe in supposing, though, that a significant
minority of people have always gotten their needs met through ethical
multipartnerliving.
THELOVEGENERATION
Dossiecameofagesurroundedbytheutopianconceptsofthe1960s,andJanetdid
shortlyafterward;bothofushavebeengreatlyinfluencedbythosedaysofradical
exploration.Manyidealsofthatera—nonconformity,explorationofalteredstates
of consciousness, equality of race and gender, ecological awareness, political
activism,opennessaboutsexuality,and,yes,thepossibilityofethicalandloving
nonmonogamy—havepermeatedthegreaterculture.Wedoubtthatwecouldhave
writtenthisbookorpublisheditinthe1950s,soifyou’rereadingandenjoying
TheEthicalSluttoday,thankahippie.
SluthoodToday
Slutscomeinallthevariousformsandstylesthathumanscomein:inallcultures,
from all parts of the world, of all religions and lifestyles, rich and poor, with
formalandinformaleducation.
“Wedoubtthatwecouldhavewrittenthisbookorpublisheditinthe1950s,so
ifyou’rereadingandenjoyingTheEthicalSluttoday,thankahippie.”
Most of us today live in communities of nonsluts, with only occasional or
limited contact with other people who share our values: some groups host
conferences, meetups, munches, conventions, and parties, all of which can
mitigateisolation,facilitatetheexchangeofinformationandsupport,andexpand
theirmembers’intimatecircles.Theseconferencesareveryimportantinbringing
sexualundergroundsintotheviewofthosewhoarelookingforthemandbuilding
institutionsabovegroundthatcanbettersupporttheirmembers.Otherslutsdrop
out of mainstream culture to live in communities composed of people whose
valuesareliketheirown.
A slut living in mainstream, monogamy-centrist culture in the twenty-first
centurycanlearnagreatdealfromstudyingothercultures,otherplaces,andother
times:you’renottheonlyoneintheworldwhohasevertriedthis,itcanwork,and
othershavedoneitwithoutharmingthemselves,theirlovers,theirkids—without,
in fact, doing anything except enjoying themselves and each other. If you go
onlineandsearchfor“polyamory”plusthenameofyourcity,you’llbesurprised
how much shows up, even if you live in what you thought was a conservative
community.
Pioneering sexual subcultures with extensive documented and undocumented
histories include communities of gay men and of lesbian women, trans groups,
bisexuals, asexuals, the leather communities, the swing communities, and some
spiritually definedsubcultures of pagans,modern primitives,tantratemples,and
RadicalFaeries.Andthat’sjustintheUnitedStates.Evenifyoudon’tbelongto
anyofthesesexuallyorientedcommunities,it’sworthtakingalookatthemfor
what they can teach us about our own options through the ways they have
developedofbeingsexual,ofcommunicatingaboutbeingsexual,andoflivingin
social and family structures that are alternatives to sex-negative traditions in
America.
Dossie’s favorite dance club in 1970 was a remarkable miniculture of
polymorphousperversity.Sheremembers:
TheOmni,shortfor“omnisexual,”wasasmallNorthBeachbarwhosepatrons
weremenandwomen,straight,gay,lesbian,bisexual,andoftentransgender.
Thesexualvalueswereveryopen,fromhippiefreelovefreakstosexindustry
professionals,andmostofuscametheretodancelikewildwomenandcruise
likecrazy.
Thankstothelargetransgenderfaction,therewasnowayofpigeonholinga
personintoyourcategoriesofdesire.Youmightdancewithsomeoneyou
foundveryattractiveandnotknowiftheywerechromosomallymaleorfemale.
It’sdifficulttogetattachedtopreferenceslikelesbianorstraightwhenyoudon’t
knowthegenderofthepersonyouareflirtingwith.
Theresultsweresurprising:IpatronizedtheOmnibecauseitwasthesafest
environmentavailabletome.Becausetherewasnowaytomakeassumptions,
peoplehadtotreateachotherwithrespect.Andifyouwere,asIwas,ayoung
womaninyourtwenties,tobeapproachedwithrespectwasamostwelcome
relieffromstraightsocialenvironmentswhereitwascustomaryformento
provetheirmanhoodbycomingontoostrong.
Sinceweseesomeoftheproblemsinattainingafreeandopenexpressionof
our own individual sexuality as having to do with living in a sex-role-bound
culture, we have found it useful to learn from people who have shifted the
boundaries of what it means to be male or female, or what it means to choose
partners of the same or opposite sex or with ways of approaching sex that go
beyondthegenital.Thinkingaboutdifferentwaysoflivingandlovingcanhelpus
asweconsiderwhetherwewanttochangeanythingabouthowwegoaboutliving
asmen,women,and/orsomewhereinbetween.
LESBIANWOMEN
Inthelesbiancommunity,wegettolookatwhathappensinaworldconsisting
almostentirelyofthosewhoidentifyaswomen.Forwomen,relationshipscanget
confused with their sense of identity, especially because our culture in its most
tradition-boundformhardly allows women anyindependentsenseofidentityat
all. Thus,many women,whomay havebeen raisedtobelieve thattheiridentity
depends on their partnered status, act as if they would lose their entire sense of
themselves without their relationship. Themostcommon relationshipsequence,
asweseeitmagnifiedinthelesbiancommunity,istheformofnonmonogamy
known as serial monogamy. Often the connection to the partner of the future
precedesthebreakupwiththepartnerofthepast,withaccompanyingdramathat
presumablyfeelssaferthanthevast,empty,unknown,andterrifyingidentityvoid
ofbeingawomanlivingasasinglehumanbeing.
Younger lesbians are questioning these traditions, and often that questioning
includeslookingintononmonogamyasawaytoformlessinsularrelationships.
Lesbian polyamory is characterized by a lot of serious thoughtfulness and
attentiontoconsentandthusbytremendousopennessaboutprocessingfeelings,
anareainwhichthewomen’scommunityexcels.
Ourlesbiansistersalsohavealottoteachusaboutnewwaysofdevelopinga
woman’sroleassexualinitiator.Inheterosexualculture,menhavebeenassigned
thejobofinitiatorandtrainedtobesexuallyaggressive.Intheworldofwomen
whorelatesexuallytootherwomen,itrapidlybecomesapparentthatifweallsee
ourselves asSleeping Beauties waiting for Princess Charming to come along, we
mightindeedhavetowaitahundredyears.
Women’sstyleofcomingon—whenshynessdoesn’tgetintheway—tendstobe
forthright, with respect for consent, and is unlikely to be intrusive or pushy, as
many women have had too much experience with being violated to want to go
downthatroad.Womenhavestrongconcernsaboutsafetyandsotendtomove
slowlyandannouncetheirintentions.Theymaybeshyintheseductivestagesand
bolderoncewelcomehasbeensecured.Womenoftenwantexplicitpermissionfor
eachspecific act,sotheir communication could serve asanexcellent role model
fornegotiatedconsent.
Wewouldliketodrawyourattentiontoanotherilluminatingdifferenceabout
sex between women. A sexual encounter between two women rarely involves the
expectation of simultaneous orgasm, as many people believe penis-vagina
intercourse should, so women have become expertsattakingturns.Lesbians are
world-class experts on sensuality and outercourse, those wonderful forms of
sexualitythatdonotrelyonpenilepenetration.Whenpenetrationisdesired,the
focusisonwhatworksforthepartners:wehaveyettomeetadildothatgothung
uponitsownneeds.Andyougettochoosewhateversizeandshapeyouwant!
GAYMEN
Thegaymalecommunityreflectssomeofthetraditionalimagesofmalesexuality
inintensifiedform.Whilesomegaymenareinterestedinlong-termrelationships
andsettlingdown,othershavesetrecordsasworld-classsluts.Thegaybathsarethe
ultimate role model of friendly group sex environments and easy sexual
connectionforitsownsake.
Gaymalesex,asarule,startsfromapresumptionofequalpower,withoutthe
dynamic of overpowering and withholding that often pervades male/female
interactions. Thus, men do not generally try to get consent from each other by
manipulationandpressuring:astraightforwardapproachmeetsaneasyresponse
andnoneedtoaskthreetimes.Gaymengiveeachotheralotofcreditforbeing
abletosayno,andformeaningitwhentheysayit—thismakescomingonvery
simple, because you are never trying to sneak up on anybody and you are not
requiredtobesubtle.Itisalwaysokaytoask as long as itis okayforthe other
person to say no. This admirably simple approach to consent cannot be
recommendedtoohighly.
Meningeneralhavehadlessreasontofearsexualviolationthantheirsisters.
Althoughitistrue,andterrible,thatboysdogetmolestedandmendogetraped,
men seem to have more confidence than women in their power to protect
themselves. Men also tend to get a lot of cultural support for being sexual. So,
although the forbiddenness of homosexuality may give many gay men a lot of
questions (about being okay or having something wrong with them or having
other forms of internalized homophobia), this is less often reflected in sexual
dysfunction.Gaymenasagrouparereallygoodatfindingoutwhatfeelsgoodto
them.
Gaymenhaveestablishedmostofourunderstandingofsafersex.Inthefaceof
theAIDSepidemic,wheremanypeoplemighthaveretreatedintosex-negativity,
thegaycommunityhelditsgroundandcontinuedtocreateenvironmentswhere
hot,creative,safersexcouldbelearnedandpracticed.
BISEXUALS/PANSEXUALS
Oftenstigmatizedas“gaysunwillingtorelinquishheterosexualprivilege”or“hets
taking a walk on the wild side,” bisexuals and pansexuals, starting back in the
1970s,havedevelopedtheirownforcefulvoiceandtheirowncommunities.
Somepeoplepreferthetermpansexualtobisexualbecausethey’reuncomfortable
withtheetymologyof“bisexual,”withitsimplicationofonlytwogenders.Welike
biactivistRobinOchs’sdefinition:“IcallmyselfbisexualbecauseIacknowledge
thatIhaveinmyselfthepotentialtobeattracted—romanticallyand/orsexually—to
peopleofmorethanonesexand/orgender,notnecessarilyatthesametime,not
necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.” Use
whichever term you feel more comfortable with, but be prepared to hear from
otherswhohavemadedifferentchoicesthanyours.
Lookingatthetheoryandpracticeofbisexuallifestylesoffersopportunitiesto
exploreourassumptions aboutthenature of sexualandromantic attractionand
behaviors.Somefolkshavehadsexonlywithmembersofonegenderbutknow
thattheyhavewithinthemselvestheabilitytoconnecteroticallyoremotionally
withmorethanonegenderandthusconsiderthemselvesbisexual.Othersmaybe
actively havingsex with someone ofagenderthatisnottheir usualchoiceand
stillconsiderthemselvesheterosexualorgay.Somebisexualspreferdifferenttypes
of interaction with different genders, while others consider themselves gender-
blind. Some can be sexual with any gender but romantic with only one, or vice
versa, and so on, throughout the universe of bisexual attractions and choices.
Bisexualschallengealotofourassumptionsaboutgender,andmanybisexualscan
tellyouwhatisdifferentforthembetweensexandrelationshipswithonegender
andwithanother.Thisinterestingandprivilegedinformationcanprovideallof
uswithnewstoriesaboutsexandgender.
Theincreasingvisibilityofbisexualityhasledtosomechallengestotraditional
definitions of sexual identity. Specifically, we are having to look at the fact that
oursexualattractionsmaysayonethingaboutus,whileoursexualbehaviorssay
another,andourgenderidentitysaysyetathird.Questionsliketheseareeating
awayatsomeofthetraditionalboundariesweplacearoundsexualidentity,much
tothedismayofpuristsofallorientations.Yourauthors,slutsthatweare,enjoy
this kind of fluidity and appreciate the opportunity to play as we like with
whoeverlooksgoodtouswithoutrelinquishingourfundamentalsenseofwhowe
are.
Janet’spathtowardhercurrentidentityasabisexualhasbeenaconfusingone:
itwasnearlyadecadeaftershebeganhavingsexwithwomenbeforeshestartedto
feelcomfortableusingthetermtodescribeherself:
Ifeltturnedoffbythetrendinessof“bisexualchic.”Andatthesametime,Iwas
hearingsomegenuinelycruelandignorantjudgmentsfrombothheterosexuals
andhomosexualsaboutbi’s.
Asaresult,itwasn’tuntilIknewforsurethatIwascapableofhavingboth
sexualandromanticfeelingsforbothmenandwomen—anduntilIfeltstrong
enoughtoclaimtheidentityinthefaceofallthosenegativejudgments—thatI
finallybegancallingmyself“bisexual.”
IlookbackonmylifenowandseethatI’vegenerallyexpressedmydomestic
urgestowardmenbutthatmyromanticandsexualfeelingsareaboutequally
likelytobeinspiredbyaman,awoman,orsomeoneinbetween.Thebisexual
communityalsooffersmoresupportthaneitherstraight-landorgay-landfor
myratherambiguousgenderpresentation:somedaysIliketowearredlipstick
andjewelryandotherdaysmen’strousersandoxfords.So“bisexual”isthe
identitythatfitsmebestandwhereIintendtostay.
HETEROSEXUALS
In bygone decades, there were few role models for heterosexual interaction in
mainstream culture: an Ozzie and Harriet household, monogamous, patriarchal,
andfocusedonconformityandchildrearing,waspresentedtousallasoursexual
andromanticideal.Yourauthorsareverygladtohaveoutlivedthisera.
Modernheterosexualityoffersaplethoraof optionsforhappy sluthood, from
long-term“vee”triads,wheretwopartnersarebothsexualwithone“hub”partner
butnotwitheachother,toorgiasticrecreationalsex—withlotsofpossibilitiesin
between,includingopenrelationships,triadsandquads,polypods,andintimate
extendedfamilieswesometimescallpolyculesorconstellations.(Janetimploresyou,
bytheway,nottoassumethatanycouplethatappearstobeamanandawomanis
infactaheterosexualcouple.Oneorbothofthemmaybebisexual,trans,orqueer
inanynumberofotherways.Asalways,ifyouwannaknow,yougottaask.)
Therehasbeenamajorchangeintheculturesincethelasteditionofthisbook:
now people of all genders can marry the person they love and raise a family
togetherifthat’swhattheywant.Whatthis meansis thatmany peoplearenow
looking to the accumulated wisdom of heterosexual sluts to figure out how to
reconcile their parenting obligations with their goals for their sexuality and
relationships.
It’s also worth noting that heterosexuals are perhaps subject to even more
gender-role-basedpressurethantherestofus.Sothoseheterofolkwhosomehow
managetobreakthroughthoseconfiningroles—whohavesucceededinbuilding
lives in which the man stays at home with the kids while the woman is the
breadwinner,orthewomancutsherhairshortandstompsaroundinheavy-soled
boots while the man struts his stuff in colorful silks and velvets, or who have
formedrankstoprotectkids whose genderpresentation isatypicalbutwhostill
needtofunctioninanotherwiseconventionallife—havemuchwisdomtoshare.
TRANSANDGENDERQUEERFOLKS
Trans andgenderqueer people form a variety of communities, all of which have
much to teach to those who are interested in transcending their gender-role
programming.Dossie,intheearlyyearsofherfeminism,foundfriendsandlovers
amongtranswomenwhobecameherwonderfulrolemodelsforhowtobefemale,
indeedoftenultra-feminine,andstillbeassertiveandpowerful.
Whatwecanalllearnfromourtransfriendsisthatgenderismalleable.From
peoplewhotakehormonestoexpressmaleorfemalegender,welearnabouthow
some behaviors and emotional states may be hormone-related. People who have
livedpartsoftheirlivesindifferentgendermodes,physiologicallyandculturally,
haveagreatdealtoteachusaboutwhatchangesaccordingtohormonesandwhat
does not, and what gender characteristics remain a matter of choice no matter
whatyourendocrinesystemsays.Genderqueerandnonbinarypeople—thosewho
choosetolivetheirlivessomewherebetweentheusualgenderroles—aresoftening
the boundaries of gender and demonstrating what life without binary gender
mightlooklike.
“Whatwecanalllearnfromourtransfriendsisthatgenderismalleable.”
Ifyouthinkthisdoesn’tapplytoyou,thatyouarecertainofyourgenderand
that it’s immutable, please consider that a great many people are born with
characteristicsofbothgenders:dependingonwhosedefinitionyouuse,anywhere
from two to seventeen babies out of a thousand are born with chromosomes
and/orgenitaliathatplace themsomewhere between theextremes of the gender
continuum. These conditions are collectively called intersex. Intersex support
organizations have arisen with the goals of preventing surgeries on infants to
make sure they conform to some gender or other, condemning them to a long
series of surgeries and hormone treatments. It appears that Mother (Father?)
Naturedoesn’tbelieveinonlytwogendersandneitherdoyourauthors.
Moreover,agreatmanypeoplewhosegenitalsandchromosomesarealllinedup
withbiologicalnormsnonethelessfeelstronglythattheywouldlivemorehappily
andappropriatelywhenpresentingasadifferentgenderthantheonethedoctor
assigned to them at birth; you may have such people among your friends and
familywithoutknowingit,unlesstheychoosetotellyou.
Transfolkscantellusalotabouthowdifferentlyotherpeopletreatyouwhen
theyseeyouasamanorasawoman.Perforce,theybecomeexpertsatlivingina
very hostile world. It takes a strong-minded person to stand up to our culture’s
rigidity about “real men” and “real women.” No other sexual minority is more
likely to suffer direct physical oppression in the form of queer-bashing. It was
mostly genderqueerpeople—butchwomen anddrag queens—whorebelledagainst
police brutality in the famous Stonewall riots of 1969 that initiated the gay
liberationmovement.
Since our last edition, there has been a lot of media coverage of transgender
people and enormous progress in acceptance of gender variance. Important
transgender legal rights are increasingly considered human rights. With the
support of mainstream pediatricians, in many places, children are allowed to
attend school in the gender they feel themselves to be. Famous people may
transitionpublicly,andarichlibraryoffilmsandtelevisionshowsarepresenting
fascinatingstoriesaboutlivesthattranscendgender.Transpeoplecanteachusa
lotaboutthedeterminationtobefree.
TANTRAANDSPIRITUALSEXPRACTITIONERS
Celibacyisnottheonlysexualpracticeofthespirituallyinclined.Earlyexamples
ofreligiouscommunitiesbasedonnonmonogamyincludedtheMormonChurch,
theOneidacommunity(seesidebar),thepracticesofmaithunaintantricyoga,and
the temple whores of the early Mediterranean goddess worshipers. Tantra as we
know it today is actually a Westernized form of classical tantric practice, which
uses breath, eye contact, and physical movement to attain altered states of high
eroticconsciousness;itistaughtinworkshopsinmostmajorcitiesandinmany
excellent books and videos. Other classical spiritual/sexual traditions have been
updatedforWesternconsumptioninpracticeslikeHealingTaoandQuodoushka.
PagansandRadicalFaeriescometogetherforfestivalsandgatheringstocelebrate
ancient sexual rites such as Beltane, or to make up their own rituals that are
appropriatetocurrentlifestyles,liketheopensexualityofFaeriegatheringsorthe
moresubtleeroticismofsacreddanceanddrumming.
Thesepractitionersunderstandthatsexisconnectedtothespiritual.Aswesaid
in The New Bottoming Book, “Every orgasm is a spiritual experience. Think of a
momentofperfectwholeness,ofyourselfinperfectunity,ofexpandedawareness
thattranscendsthesplitbetweenmindandbodyandintegratesallthepartsofyou
in ecstatic consciousness….When you bring spiritual awareness to your sexual
practice, you can become directly conscious of—connected to—that divinity that
alwaysflowsthroughyou….Forus,sexisalreadyanopportunitytoseeGod.”
KINK,LEATHER,ANDBDSM
Many cultural anthropologists believe that contemporary leather culture got its
startinthewakeofWorldWarII,broughthomebysoldierswhocamebackfrom
war with a taste for power and authority exerted by and for men. We note,
however,thatmanyformsofkinkyplaypredatethisphenomenonbycenturiesor
evenmillennia:theGreekphilosopherAristotleisknowntohaveenjoyedbeing
riddenlikeaponybyhisfemaleacquaintances,andsexualbondageisthesubject
ofJapaneseartdatingbacktotheseventeenthcentury.
Today’s kinksters offer tremendous knowledge of how eroticism can be
awakenedwithor withoutgoing for the genital,aswellas waystoplay withthe
outward appearance of inequality while staying well within the boundaries of
negotiatedconsent.Polyamoryandopenrelationshipsareverycommoninmost
kinkcommunities,asthechancesareslimoffindingonepartnerwhoisopento
allyourfantasiesandwhosecompanyyoucantolerateonanongoingbasis.Both
of your authors learned many of their sexual values and behaviors within the
kink/leather/BDSMcommunities.
SEXWORKERS
Despite what you might have learned from the TV or the tabloids, sex workers
reallyarenotalldesperatedrugaddicts,debasedvictims,orpredatorygolddiggers.
Many healthy and happy people work in the sex industry, doing essential and
positiveworkhealingthewoundsinflictedbyoursex-negativeculture.Weknow
them as friends, lovers, colleagues, writers, therapists, and educators, as well as
performersandartists.Thesefolkshaveagreatdealtoteachusaboutboundaries,
limit setting, communication, sexual negotiation, and ways to achieve growth,
connection,andfulfillmentoutsideatraditionalmonogamousrelationship.
Sex workers may be people who exchange genital sex for money, but
professionaldominants,porn performers,eroticdancers,phonesex andwebcam
providers,sacredintimates,sexualsurrogates,andmanyothereroticprofessionals
are also considered sex workers. Do not imagine that connections between sex
workers and clients are necessarily cold, impersonal, or degrading, or that only
losers frequent these businesses. Many client/sex worker relationships become a
sourceoftremendousconnection,warmth,andaffectionforbothpartiesandlast
manyyears.
CULTURALDIVERSITY
While we are looking at sexual diversity, let’s remember that we live in a
multiculturalsocietyandthateveryculturein our world,every subculture,every
ethnic culture, has its own ways ofcreating relationship,connecting in sex,and
buildingfamilies.Allarevalidandvaluable.
One of the great joys of living as a slut is the opportunity to make intimate
connections with people whose background is unlike your own. When you do
that, you will find yourself tripping, with some embarrassment, over a lot of
differences. This process can feel awkward, but every time it happens, you’ve
learnedsomethingnewabouthowpeoplegoaboutbeinghuman—perhapsjustthe
thingthatwaslackinginyourownculture.
It’s also worth remembering that many people, particularly those whose
differencesarevisible,feelsafestinthecommunitiestheygrewupinandmaybe
taking considerable risk by coming into a less diverse sexual environment. If
becoming an out-of-the-closet slut would shock your community of origin, you
mightwindupsacrificingthesafetyandacceptanceofhometojoinacommunity
wheremostpeopledon’tlooklikeyou.
Boundariesincommunication,connection,andrelationshipvaryfromculture
to culture. Personal distance differs enormously—they say you can recognize the
EuropeanAmericansataLatinAmericancocktailparty;they’retheoneswhoare
backing away from everyone who wants to talk to them because the Latin
Americanskeepsteppingtooclose.Volumevariestoo:someculturesvaluebeing
subduedandquiet,whileothersaredramaticallyexpressiveand,well,loud.
We recommend that you look for these differences and question your
judgments.Isthatpersonwhoseemstooloudactuallyabletobemoreexpressive
thanyou?Doesthatquietpersonnoticemore?What’stheintelligenceofaperson
who hasn’t read a lot of books but understands how your car or your computer
works?Whoarethesefriendly people whomakesexualpropositions openly and
enthusiasticallyandgetreallyconfusedwhenyouaccusethemofcomingontoo
strong?Maybethey’recountingonyoutosaynoifyoudon’twantto.Maybethey
havesomewaysofmakingconnectionthatyoucouldlearnfrom.
“Werecommendthatwhenyouareinthecompanyoftheunfamiliar,youlook
forunfamiliarwisdom.”
Itistragicthatsomanyofoursexualcommunitiesfailtowelcomepeoplefrom
thewholeworldofcultures,races,genders,orientations,andsexualities.Thoseof
uswhogrewup inaEuropean-descendedculturetoooftenexpectourfriends to
dealwithculturaldifferencesbyconformingtous.Whenyoulookatthepeople
aroundyouanddismissthem—or,worseyet,assumeyouknowallthereistoknow
about them—because of their skin color, gender, orientation, way of speaking,
modeofdress,religion,orcountryoforigin,you’llnevergettohearanyofthe
newandfascinatingthingsthosepeoplemighthavetosay.
Werecommendthatwhenyouareinthecompanyoftheunfamiliar,youlook
forunfamiliarwisdom.You’llfindlotsofit,anditwillmakeyouricher.
WhatCanYouLearn?
Ifthinkingaboutallthismakesyoukindofnervous,whatyouareexperiencingis
howthreateningitfeelswhenthecustomaryboundariesyoutakeforgranted,and
believe apply to all social and sexual situations, may no longer apply in some
environs. There are no universally accepted boundaries of gender or attraction
among consenting adults, and the limits of sexual exploration are not handed
downonstonetabletsbysomehigherauthority.
When you look at people who meet your standards of happiness and success
without buyingintotheworld’s standards of lifetime heterosexualmonogamous
pair-bonding,youbegintoseehowsuchthingscanbepossibleforyou,too—even
ifthesepeoplearen’tdoingitthesamewayyouwantto.Recognizingothersexual
cultures offersanopportunity tobecomeawareofyour own preconceptionsand
uncertainties.
Listentoyourfears:theyhavealottoteachyouaboutyourself.Notknowing
what’s what can feel scary—but think of it as a chance to scrap all your
preconceptionsandstartfromscratch.It’sonlybyrecognizingallthepossibilities
outtherethatyoucanchoosetheonesthatworkforyou.Thenyoucanbefreeto
figureoutwhereyouwanttheboundariesinyourlife,whatyourpersonallimits
are, and whether you ever want to expand those limits. Accomplishing this
amazingtaskwillsetyoufreetoexplorebeyondyourwildestdreams.
“Listentoyourfears:theyhavealottoteachyouaboutyourself.”
BlackandPoly
HerearesomethoughtsaboutpolyandthewayitplaysoutinBlackcommunities—fromour
friends Ron and Lisa Young, cofounders of the international support group Black & Poly
(blackandpoly.org), who have graciously allowed us to use this excerpt from their upcoming
book,Love:ABlackLoveRevolution.
“Many of us are not just looking for that ‘extra someone’ for casual sex and occasional
affection; we may see the freedom and openness of poly as key to our survival. For many
peopleofcolor,though,surface-levelconnectioniseasy,yetcomplexbondingandromantic
loveisamotherfucker.Here’swhy.
“Imaginetryingtolovesomeonewheneverythingaroundyouissetuptosystematicallypull
youapart.ForBlacks,firsttherewasslavery,thenJimCrow,thenthewelfaresystem,andnow
mass incarceration—we haven’t had time to concentrate on love. We haven’t had time to
comfortably settle into each other. Sure, we have love, family, and community within our
homes,butmovingthosefeelingsoutintotheworldcanbeaverybigproblem.
“We’ve been taught that in order to get by in this world, we need to be strong…but that
doesn’tworkintermsofdealingwitheachother.Ourculturehasaskedustomaintainstrong
boundariesthatprotectusfromharm:frombeingbrokendown,takenadvantageof,robbedof
basichumannecessities,andstrippedofourdignity.Thisfearoftenleadsustorejectanything
that places us in vulnerable positions, redirecting our attention away from the fact that only
throughvulnerabilitycanwefindtruestrength,growth,beauty,andmostofalllove.
“As Blacks, we were sent here as objects. Through polyamory, we receive the unique and
joyous opportunity to define ourselves. We don’t want to be your ‘Mandingo Warriors’ or
‘NubianPrincesses,’orjusttoattendyourplayparties.Wewanttoberespectedasequalswhen
it comes to building something real, polyamorous, and tangible. We see the love that is
abundantwithinthecommunity,andsometimeswefeelthatlovereachingouttoincludeus.
“But there’sastill a hugedivide between usand thewhitepolycommunities. How willwe
bridgethegap?”
5
BATTLINGSEXNEGATIVITY
Fromtheslut’spointofview,theworldissometimesadangerousplace.Lotsof
peopleseemtothinkitisokaytogotoanylengthstostopusfrombeingsexual.
Someantisexcrusaderstrytomakelovingdangerousforwomenbyoutlawing
birth control and abortion, leading to unwanted pregnancies and back-alley
abortions. Others would outlaw access to sex information, in schools or on the
Internet,sothatourchildrencannotlearntocarefortheirhealthandwell-being
and have no access to safer-sex training that would teach them how to avoid
spreadingdiseases.Inanappallingdevelopmentsincethepreviouseditionofthis
book, a vaccine that helps prevent cervical cancer in women is being met with
resistance from puritans who believe that inoculating a young woman against
cancersomehowencourageshertohavesex.Peoplewhotakemedicationsthatcan
protect them from contracting the HIV virus are called “sluts” and “whores”
(presumablynotthegoodkind).
Somepeoplebelievethatbeingaslutmakesyoufairgameforviolence,thatit
mustsomehowbethevictim’sfault.Theymightdemand,“Whywereyouwalking
downthatstreetatnightinashortdressortightpants?”orproclaim,“Nowonder
yougotrapedorassaulted”or“Youlooksoqueer—nowonderthatgangdecidedto
beatyouup.”
Weareconsideredfairgameforotherformsofoppression,too.Multiplesexual
partnerscanbeseenasagoodreasontotakeallyourproperty,yourchildren,and
yourfutureincomeinapunitivedivorcesettlement.Youcouldloseyourjobor
yourpromiseforadvancementoryourprofessionalreputationifthewrongpeople
findoutaboutyourpersonallife.
“Somepeoplebelievethatbeingaslutmakesyoufairgameforviolence.”
JudgingOurselves
Wehopethisexaminationofthedangersofslutterywillleadyoutoaskyourself
somequestions.Whatismyexperienceofoppressionandhowdoesitaffectme?
WhodoIhavetolietoinmylife?Whataremyclosets?Asyoulookdeeper,you
might ask yourself, “What assumptions have I made about how my sexuality
should be? Do I hold judgments about what ‘good’ and ‘nice’ people do that I
windupturningagainstmyself?”
When we judge ourselves by cultural values imposed from the outside, when
women believe they ought to be small and quiet, when gay people believe that
theirsexualchoiceisaneurosis,orwhenweallbelievewewouldbebetterpeople
ifwewereabletobemonogamous,thisisinternalizedoppression.Whenweapply
theseunfairjudgmentstootherpeoplewhoarelikeus,whenweseeourfriendsas
too slutty or too free, this is called horizontal hostility. We suggest you look
through chapter 2, “Myths and Realities,” as a checklist to see where the beliefs
thatyoulearnedinoursex-negativeculturemightbegettinginyourway.
It’saHarshWorldOutThere
Thoseofuswhochoosetorunourlivesandlovesinanunconventionalmanner
should probably be prepared for the fact that many parts of the world will not
welcome us with open arms. For many people, sluthood is their first experience
with being in the closet, and they learn firsthand what their queer friends have
knownforquiteawhile.
Whiletherearecertainlywaystoprotectyourselfagainstsomesocial,logistical,
and financial consequences, we can’t guarantee that there will never be
consequences.It’snoteasybeingeasy.
Ex-spouses,parents,in-laws,and otherswhodon’tshareyour values aboutthe
potentialforinclusiverelationshipsmaybehostile.Yourfriendly neighborhood
pastor may not be sympathetic, either. Bringing both your partners to the
company picnic is not necessarily a good way to ensure your continued ascent
through the corporate hierarchy. We recommend caution in choosing who to
comeoutto:yes,weknowyou’reblissfullyhappyandwanttoshareyourjoywith
the world,but remember,youcan’t un-tell. We knowpeoplewho have lostjobs,
child custody, and more because the wrong people have become aware of their
sexual choices. In some places outside the United States, the consequences of
unconventional sexual choices are far more dire, up to and including the death
penalty.
Butevenhere,somestatesandcitieshavelawsthatforbidmultipleadultstolive
together if they’re not related by blood or marriage. In others, landlords are
reluctanttorenttogroupsthatdon’tconformtothetraditionalfamilystructure.
Someleasescontainclausesthatallowlandlordstoterminaterentalagreementson
thebasisof“immoralbehavior”or“associationwithundesirablepeople”—which
insomestatesincludesnonmaritalsex.
Similarly, your personal love and sex arrangements are best kept out of the
workplace:bothofushavelostjobsandclientsforbeingwhoweare.Whilesome
cities and states offer some protection to people who are gay, lesbian, or
transgender,wearenotawareofanythatguaranteeequalrightsforsluts.
Weurgethosewhocanbeoutandproudtodosobecauseit’sharderforthe
worldtohateslutswhenitcanseelotsofuslivinghappylivesthatdonoharmto
anyone. However, unless you are absolutely certain that your workplace and
importantrelationshipsareslut-positive,werecommendcaution.
LegalAgreements
WiththankstoDylanMiles,Esq.,forconsultingonlegalaspects,andforbeing
availabletoourcommunitiesasaknowledgeableandopen-mindedfamily
lawyer.
Much progress has been made in recent years in establishing and affirming the
legalrightsofsexualminorities,includingtheSupremeCourt’shistoricdecision
to legalize same-sex marriage throughout all the states. Several states have made
provisions for children who are growing up with more than two parents, which
protectsmanyyoungstersfromfostercarewhenapersonwhohasfunctionedasa
parenttoachildcanassumecustodyifneeded;italsoallowsnonbiologicalparents
to sign up for all the rights and responsibilities of parenting. When any of our
alliesinthinkingoutsidetheboxwinsanybattleinhumanrights,weallbenefit.
Youstillcan’tlegallymarrymorethanonepersonatthesametime.Ifyouand
your partner(s) are living in a somewhat marriage-like structure, with the
expectationofsharingproperty,providingforoneanotherintheeventofillness
ordeath,raisingchildren,orrunningabusinesstogether,westronglyrecommend
official legal documentation of your status and intentions. Terrifying stories of
lover kept from lover when one of them is hospitalized, a longtime partner left
penniless and homeless after someone’s unexpected death, individuals who have
beenparentsinallwaysbutbloodlosinganorphanedchildtoapartner’sparents
orex-spouse,andsoon,shouldbe enough toconvince you thatit’s time toget
officialaboutallthis.
Youdonotlegallyownyourchildren,andthelegalagreementsyoucanmake
aboutthemarelimitedbythatfact.Youcanuseyourwilltoexpressyourdesires
aboutwhowillcareforyourchildrenafteryourdeath,butthecourtmaynotbe
obligedtofollowyourwishes.Insomecases,anonbiologicalparentcanadopta
lover’schildrenasastepparent.Somestatesandmunicipalitiesarenotsupportive
ofsecond-parentorstepparentadoption,meaningifyouareachild’sthirdparent
atthatchild’sbirth,youhavefewerrightsthananyparentfromasecond,third,or
fifteenthmarriage.
Weencourageyoutowriteoutyourplansandyouragreements,especiallyyour
lifestyle choices, and have your signatures notarized. Such affidavits may not be
enforceableinmoststates,butintheeventoflaterdisagreements,theymayserve
as evidence of everyone’s intentions on forming a family or a relationship, and
theymakeitclearwhatyouhavesigneduptodo.Writingoutyourvisionofthe
familyyouarebuildingtogetherisavaluableandaffirmingactinitsownright.
Don’t forget to make and keep current your durable powers of attorney for
financesandhealthcareandyourwills.Thesearelegaldocuments,andwhilethe
lawwillnotsupporteverythinganeagerslutmightwanttodowiththeirmoney
andproperty,yourchancesofhavingyourdesiresupheldbythelawwillbegreatly
improvedifyouexpresstheminaformalandlegalmanner.
We recommendchecking out apublishing company called NoloPress,which
puts out carefully researched do-it-yourself legal books on aspects of family and
business law, including sample forms and step-by-step instructions. However, if
your agreements are particularly complicated, or if things of substantial value
(suchasalotofmoneyorasuccessfulbusiness)areinvolved,youmaywanttogo
beyondthe do-it-yourselflevelandcontactanattorney.Ifyouhave thatkindof
money,youprobablyknowmoreaboutthisthanwedo.Dotrytofindanattorney
whoisopentonontraditionalrelationships;youcanaskthatinaquestionortwo
over the telephone,soyoudon’t have topaygood moneytofindout thatyour
lawyerthinksyou’retheWhoreofBabylon.
Wehaveneitherthespacenortheexpertisetotellyouallthewaysthatpeople
withnontraditionalsexualitiescangoaboutsettinguptheirlives—optionsrange
allthewayfromadoptingyourpartnertosettingupabusinesstrustandbeyond.
But please, don’t assume that your good intentions, heartfelt love, and general
wonderfulnesswillprotectyou.Slutsdon’thavethatluxury.Doyourhomework
andgetthelawonyourside.
“Don’t assume that your good intentions, heartfelt love, and general
wonderfulnesswillprotectyou.”
TheOldestProfession
Whatwouldtheworldbelikeifsexworkwerelegal?Ifsexworkwereoutintheopen,andsex
workerscouldbejudgedlikeanyotherworkers—bytheirskill,theirrespectfortheirclients,and
howwelltheymanagetheirresponsibilities?
Imagineifsexworkweretreatedasaprofessionliketherapy:aclientmakingacontractwith
aprovider.Ifthecustomerlikedtheworktheyreceived,they’dkeepcomingback;ifnot,they’d
moveonandtrysomeoneelse.Brothelscouldbelikeclinics,newsexworkerscouldlearnfrom
more experienced practitioners, lower-fee services could be provided by interns being
supervisedandtaughtbymoreexperiencedpractitioners.
If sexwork werelegal, a worker being exploitedby a pimp ortraffickercould leave, report
abusesandfilecharges,evenunionize—justlikeanyotherworker.Ifwestoppedcloggingour
legal system with consenting adults engaging in professional sex, perhaps our police would
havemoretimeandresourcestoendlegitimatesexualcrimeslikerape,abuse,sexslavery,and
childprostitution.
Ifsexworkwerelegal,sexworkerswouldbefreetorequirewhateverlevelsofsafersexseem
appropriate to them—sex workers are often world-class experts at ways to spend hours in
sublimepleasureandstillrefrainfrompassingaroundharmfulviruses—andtoseekouttesting
andtreatmenttoavoidpassingonanybugs.
Legalsexworkwouldenablepartnerships,toooftendrivenapartbythepressureofalong-
termrelationshipwherepassionhasebbed,torekindlesexualheatbyseekingtheservicesofa
skilled heat-kindler. Therapists could refer clients to such practitioners for embodied
explorations of their deepest dreams and oldest fears, just as they might to any other
professional. Dossie has worked with clients whose spouses bought them a session with a
professionaldominatrixfortheirbirthday.
Manysexprofessionalshaveworkedhardtoacquireskillsthatmostofusdon’tevenknow
are possible: freedom of choice about our physical responses, timing of orgasms, ease of
erection, G-spot fountains, the amazing possibilities of all the muscles in the pelvic area to
bring pleasure in so many ways. Sexual healers could help free us from the terrors and
inhibitionslearnedinasex-negativesocietyandshowuswhatamazingsexualgeniusesweall
mightbe.Healingshame,healingtrauma,theamazingnessofsexbeyondviolation,thepower
ofourfantasies…somuchisthereforustolearnandgrow.Sexcanbeapowerfuljourneyinto
healingandgeneralgoodness,andthereareprofessionalswhocanteachushow.
Somepeoplebelievethatsexformoneyisdirty.Oursex-workerfriendsproveotherwise,over
andoveragain.Wepayourministers,priests,rabbis,imams,andgurus,sowhyshouldwenot
payoursexpriests?Ourspiritualandsexualhealersandguidesdeservetomakealivingforthe
valuableworktheydo.
Right now, some kinds of sex-for-hire are legal in the United Kingdom, the Netherlands,
Germany,Australia,andNewZealand.Wenotethatallthesecountriesseemtobemanaging
justfinewithletting talentedand devotedprofessionalsmaketheirlivingdoing what theydo
best,forthebettermentoftheirclientsandthegreatersociety.
6
BUILDINGACULTUREOFCONSENT
People around the world are gaining awareness of the enormous prevalence of
sexual assault and smaller sexual aggressions. But bringing into consciousness
somethingthatwehaveavoidedthinkingaboutusuallyrequiressomethrashing
around. When we claim our sexual freedom and start building communities
whereinwecanexpressourselvesinasex-positiveway,weimmediatelybumpup
against the truth that we are living in a society that holds some insane values
about sex and consent. When it is not safe, accepted, or welcomed to say, “No
thankyou”tosex,buildingasex-positiveculturecanbecomeimpossible.
Dossie,giving alectureon consenttoabouttwohundredpeople, askedthose
whohadneverbeensexuallyassaultedtostandup.Onlyaboutaquarterstoodup,
mostlymen,somewomen.Thereweremanymenaswellaswomenamongthose
stillsitting.Thatlargenumberofpeoplewhoremainedsitting—let’sadmiretheir
courage and determination to free themselves and their sexuality, even though
someonehurtthem.
All our wonderful sexual freedom is dependent on two very important
conditions:freedomfromsexismandfreedomfromrape.Thesechangesmusttake
place at both the individual and community levels. Prosecuting rape and child
molestationisquitedifficult,soourcommunitiesneedtoworkforourownsafety.
Wecanseldomsendoffenderstojail,butwecanuninvitethemfromourparties,
andremovethemfromtheotherenvironmentsthatwecontrol,bothonlineand
inthephysicalworld.
Majorviolationsincludedruggingsomeoneandthenrapingthem,violentrape,
childmolestation,andanyintentionalviolationofanotherperson’sstatedlimits.
Theseareallveryseriouscrimes,eveniftheyareoftenhardtoprosecute.Other
violations require some discussion, sometimes because the accused doesn’t feel
thatthey’vedoneanythingwrong.Verbaloffenses—pushycome-ons,arguingwith
someonewhohassaid“No,thankyou,”orobjectifyingorbelittlingpeople—may
causelessharmthanphysicaloffensesbutcanstillcreateanatmosphereofdanger
in ourcommunities.Edgingoverpeople’s limits,ortryingthings thathave not
been explicitly agreedupon,cantearapartrelationships and have arippleeffect
that occasionally destroys the communities in which those relationships are
grounded.
Muchofthisconflictistheconsequenceofourabsurdculturalinsistencethat
in sex, men should be the initiators and women the withholders. Thus, some
peoplelearnthattheyaresupposedtobepushyandothersthatsayinganything
butnois,well,slutty.Thispatternleadsto“no”beingheard asaninvitationto
push harder, with predictably disastrous results. Freeing your sexuality requires
thatyoulookattheseculturalbeliefsaboutwhatitmeanstobeapersonofyour
gender,andperhapsmakesomechanges—unlessyouwanttospendtherestofyour
lifelivingdowntoyourgenderstereotype.Howwouldweproposethatpeopleof
allgenderslearnbetterbehavior?Wewishwecouldsaythatthere’sahandytwelve-
stepgrouparoundthecornerforthissortofthing,oraclasswecouldtake,butat
this writing, these resources are pretty rare. Some community members are
steppinguptotheplatetodothissortofwork.We’dlovetoseemore.
“Freeing your sexuality requires that you look at cultural beliefs about what it
meanstobeapersonofyourgender.”
ForTraumaSurvivors
Way too many people of all genders, ages, and cultures have experienced sexual
trauma.Sexualassault,outrightrape,childsexualabuse,sometimesevenmedical
trauma, can leave us with major challenges to enjoying our sex lives—including
flashbacks,disassociation,post-traumaticstressdisorder,andjustplainfearfulness.
People who have survived trauma, especially as children, have particular
vulnerabilities and may feel unsafe or violated more easily than most. A trigger
response may have been learned, and an individual may be responding to a
relativelymodestoffenseasifitweretheterriblethingthatmayhavehappenedin
thepast,orasiftheywerestillthechildthattheywerewhentheywereabused.The
fear may appear unrealistic or disproportionate to outsiders, but that’s not the
point—the fear itself is real, usually doesn’t feel sexy at all, and may leave the
personsopanickythatdiscussion,orevenhearinganapology,maybeimpossible
atthattime.
Don’tgiveup!YourtherapistauthorDossiespecializesinhealingoldwounds
fortraumasurvivorsandishappytoannouncethatmanypeoplefindwaystodeal
with their history of violation, take care of themselves when painful memories
show up, succeed in reclaiming ownership oftheir bodies, and enjoy a free and
happysexuality.
Sometimes all it takes is a little collaboration about safety, establishing clear
agreements about boundaries, creating safe space, and being supportive and
understanding. Survivors and partners alike need to be willing to deal with the
interruptionifapersonneedstostopandrecoverfromabadmemory,evenifthat
happensinthemiddleofsex.Wehopeyouwillbepatientwithyourselfifthisis
yoursituation,becausebeingkindtoyourselfandyourpartnerscanbecomethe
practicethathealsyou.
Theinformationabouttakingcareofyourselfaroundtriggersthatyou’llreadin
chapter 15, “Roadmaps through Jealousy,” is also applicable when you decide to
dealwithotheremotionallandmines.Ifyouhaveapartnerwhoisstrugglingwith
reclaimingtheirsexualityfromanuglyhistoryofviolence,wehopethatyouwill
choose to become an ally in that struggle and find the patience to support the
workthatneedstobedonetoclaimajoyoussexuality.CheckFurtherReadingfor
somegoodresourcesabouthealingsexualtrauma.
ForThoseWhoHaveBeenAccused
Ifyou’vedonesomething thathas leftapartner feeling traumatized,youhave a
differentproblem.Ournaturaltendencywhenweareaccusedofdoingsomething
wrongistogetverydefensiveandreallywanttotelloursideofthestory.Butif
thepeoplewhousedtolikeyouwellenoughtohavesexwithyouarenowangry
withyouandclamoringforyourhide,youmightwanttolookaroundandseeif
there’sanythingyou’dliketochangeinyourbehavior.
You may have been taught that “getting laid” is about getting away with
something. From that point of view, having an active sexual life may look like
consumerism:howmuchcanyouacquire,withhowlittleeffort?Doesthatmean
that your lover, or potential lover, is a commodity? Having learned this doesn’t
necessarilymakeyouaproblem,butactingonitcertainlywill.
Howwouldyougoaboutmakingchangesinyourself?Andlater,howwillyou
letpeopleknowthatyou have done somework onyourselfandit’snowsafe to
welcomeyouback?
Ifyouareinthissituation,pleaseremembertoretainyoursenseofyourselfasa
wholeperson.Behaviorthatmayhavefrightenedorhurtanotherisapartofyou,
andyouhavemanyparts.Takealittletimetoreflectonyourownstrengthsand
senseofethics.Howdoyouwanttouseyourstrength?Whatcanyoudothatisin
linewithyourethics?
ForEveryone
Herearesomestrategiesthatweknowdon’twork:
Pathologizing.This refers toturning aresponse orreactionintoadisease,as if
labelingitwereasortofantibiotic.Isthispersonapredator,asociopath,avictim
ofStockholmsyndrome,avictimofthepatriarchy?(Prettymuchallofusactlike
alloftheseonoccasion.)Arewerapeapologistsifwedon’timmediatelyostracize
theoffender?Whenwedefineaproblemasadisease,weoftenactasifadiagnosis
were a solution: paste on a label and then end the discussion as if we’ve
accomplishedsomething.Butthennothingeverchanges.
Splitting.Thisisapsychologicaldefenseinwhichapersontriestofeelsafeby
presumingthatthegoodguysareallgood—soifanypartofsome person is not
good,thenthatpersonmustbeallbadandneedstobepermanentlyexiled,with
noaccommodationforchangeorgrowth.Splittingcandividewholecommunities,
witheveryonechoosingupsidesratherthanaskingwhattheymightdotomake
thingsbetter.
Truthseeking.Inmanyoftheseproblems,thereisonepersonsaying“So-and-so
didmewrong,hurtme,causedmepainordamage,”andtheotherisinsistingthat
the person who is upset with them is making it up, getting revenge, or really
wanted it. So who do we believe? It is going to take courage to try and find
solutions when we can’t determine the absolute truth of the problem. We must
understand that we are a community, not a criminal justice system, and our
actionsneedtobeabout whateverwecandoatthis time,withtheresourceswe
havetoday,tomakethissituationalittlebetter.
Blaming.Whosefaultisthis?Whodidwhattowhofirst?Veryfewofusactually
blameourselves:weallhavewaysofrationalizingandreasonswhyourbehavioris
justifiable.Butwhenwetrytofeelsafebyminimizingourowninvolvementand
blamingsomeoneelse,thenwedisempowerourselves.Wegivethe“other”allthe
power by saying that only they can make things better. Many people, acutely
uncomfortable at hearing about how a person has been violated, distance
themselves by finding some reason to blame the victim: looking too sexy,
drinking too much, what did you expect if you want a kind of sex that’s more
extreme than most? And just to make things more confusing, what feels like
violationtoonepersonmightbeeasyforanother,andathirdmayseeitasplay
anddelightinit.
Butthereareanumberofconflictresolutionstrategiesthatwefindhelpfulto
drawon.Amarvelousbodyofwisdomisemergingfromeffortstoteachemotional
intelligence and restorative justice in some American high schools and middle
schools.Students in these programs arebeing trainedto bepeer counselors and
peacekeepers, to intervene in conflicts that might become violent or otherwise
destructive.Manystudieshavemeasuredverypositiveresults,evenin“difficult”
schools,asaresultofthesetrainings,bothinreductionoffightsandsuspensions
andinincreasesinthepercentageofstudentswhograduate.
Someschoolsnowhaveaquietroomwherekidswhowerecausingtroublecan
sitatadesktowritedowntheiranswerstoquestionslikethese:“Whathappened?”
“Whatwasmypartinit?”“WhatcanIdotomakeitbetter?”“WhatcanIdoto
makeitlesslikelytohappenagain?”Perhapswhenthereisanissueaboutsexual
boundaries,wecanaskourselvesthesesamequestions—“victim”and“villain”alike
—andseewhetherthatleadstoamoreproductivedialogue.
Backintheprotesteraofthe1960s,weusedtosay,“Whenyoudon’twanttobe
part of the problem, you need to become part of the solution.” Resources to
supportchangehappenallovertheworld,andweneedtoadaptthemtooursex-
positivecommunities:nonviolentcommunicationworkshops,angermanagement
classes, conflict resolution classes, self-defense classes where you can practice
clarifyingyour“no,”supportgroupsforoffendersandsurvivors,andmore.
Weapproveofcommunitiesthatoffernewmembersinformationonethicsand
boundariesintheircommunity,andwealsoknowthatrulesalonewillneverbe
enough. We need to be willing to enter into an ongoing process that addresses
theseissuesandsupportschangeandhealingandgrowth,eachofuscontributing
whatwecanandexpecting tocontinueindefinitely inthe processofnavigating
consent and boundaries. We do have a right to insist that people prone to
bullying,limitpushing,andotherproblematicbehaviorsgolearnwhattheyneed
tolearn—takeaworkshoporaclass,joinagroupworkingonchangingcompulsive
orantisocial behaviors,getatherapist,get sober—beforethey canearntheir way
backintoourcommunities.
We can’t prevent every problem, but we can create a sex-positive culture that
deals proactively and constructively with the problems we face rather than
sweepingthemundertherugoutofshame.
CleanLove
Can you imagine love without jealousy, without possessiveness—love washed clean of all its
clinginessanddesperation?Let’stry.
We can take some thoughts from Buddhism: What would it be like to love without
attachment,toopenourheartstosomeonewithnoexpectations,lovingjustforthejoyofit,
regardlessofwhatwemightgetback?
Imagine seeing the beauty and virtues of a beloved and letting go of how their strengths
mightmeetourneedsorhowtheirbeautymightmakeuslookbetter.
Imagine seeing someone in a clean light of love—without enumerating the ways in which
thatpersondoesanddoesnotmatchuptothefantasywecarryaroundofourperfectmateor
dreamlover.
Imagine meeting another person in the freedom and innocence of childhood and playing
togetherwithoutplottinghowtomakethispersongiveusthekindoflovewewishwecould
havegotteninouractualchildhood.
But…but…but. What if you open your heart to someone, and you don’t like what happens
next? Suppose that person gets drunk or treats your open affection with scorn? What if this
persondoesn’tfulfillyourdreams?Whatifthisoneturnsoutjustlikethelastone?Supposeall
thosethingsdohappen.Whathaveyoulost?Alittletime,abrieffantasy.Letitgo,learnfromit,
andwalkawayalittlewiser.
Lovedoesn’tmuchtaketobeingstuffedintoforms,whichiswhateverybody’sfantasiesand
imaginingsare:custom-builtplansforaconstructedindividualthey’vecreatedtosolvealltheir
problems.Yourauthorshavedreamlovers,too—butpeoplearenotmadeofclayorstone,and
itwon’tworkwelltoapproachthemwithachisel.
Howmanytimeshaveyourejectedthepossibilityoflovebecauseitdidn’tlookthewayyou
expecteditto?Perhapssomecharacteristicwasmissingyouweresureyoumusthave,some
othertraitwaspresentthatyouneverdreamedofaccepting.Whathappenswhenyouthrow
awayyourexpectationsandopenyoureyestothefabulouslovethatisshiningrightinfrontof
you,holdingoutitshand?
Cleanloveislovewithoutexpectations.
Washingyourlovecleandoesn’trequireadvancedspiritualityorweeklypsychoanalysis.You’ll
probablyneverletgoofeverysingleattachment—atleastwe’venevermanagedit.Butmaybe
youcanletgojustforaninstant:yourhistory,worries,frets,andyearningswillstillbethereto
comebacktowhenyouneedthem.Justfornow,takealookatthewonderfulpersonwhois
standingrightinfrontofyou.
7
INFINITEPOSSIBILITIES
The first edition of this book was subtitled “A Guide to Infinite Sexual
Possibilities.” Now that we’re older and a little bit wiser, even that sweeping
statementseemsabitlimiting:sluthoodmeansinfinitepossibilitiesofallkinds,
notjust the sexual. Ifyouthink a“celibateslut” is acontradictionin terms,we
haveafewsurprisesinstoreforyou:sluthoodlivesinthebrain,notbetweenthe
legs, and can fit comfortably and joyously into whatever consensual sexual and
relationshippatternyouchoose.
AsexualityandCelibacy
Folks who say no thanks to sex are becoming an increasingly visible minority.
Asexualityreferstopeoplewhodon’texperiencesexualattraction,andcelibacyrefers
tothosewhofeelattractionbutprefernottoactonit.Wethinkthatanykindof
sexualfreedommustincludethefreedomtonothavesex,withoutbeingpestered
orpathologized.
Asexualityisconsideredasexualorientation.Someasexualshavesexualfeelings
thattheymayprefertoexpressbyhavingsexwiththemselvesonly;othersdonot
experiencesexualfeelingsatall.Somearewillingtosharesexwithapartnertogive
thatpartnerpleasure;othersprefertoavoiditaltogether.Someenjoynongenital
forms of eroticism such as BDSM, tantra, or role-playing; others prefer to steer
clearofthewholeidea.
Celibacy,ontheotherhand,isachoice,onethatmayofferawaytofocuson
emotional,intellectual,orspiritualconcerns.Peopleforwhomsexorrelationships
have caused problems may choose a period of celibacy as a pathway toward self-
examination:“WhatkindofpersonamIwhenI’mbeingmejustformyself?”
Somepeoplearecelibate,butnotbychoice:peoplewhoareincarcerated,illor
disabled, geographically isolated, or socially unskilled may have trouble finding
partners.Othersarecelibatesimplybecausetheydonot,forwhateverreason,feel
likebeingsociableorsexualforawhile,orperhapsforgood.
Wedonotsee“celibateslut”or“asexualslut”asinanywayacontradictionin
terms.Thereareinfinitewaysofrelatingtootherpeople—romantically,intimately,
domestically, and more—and if you’ve opened your life and heart to as many of
thosewaysaspossible,you’reoneofus.
PlatonicRelationships,akaFriendships
Onefriendofoursdrivesusnutsbymoaning,“Idon’thavearelationship…justall
thesefriends!”Wehavenewsforhim,andforyou:friendshipisarelationship,an
importantonethatofferstremendousopportunitiesforthethingsweneedmost
out of our relationships: intimacy, companionship, support in times of trouble,
andmore.
Weareamusedbysluthood-skepticswhoareappalledbytheideaoflovingmore
than one person…and who nonetheless have a best friend, someone with whom
they sharetheirdeepestsecrets,whomay in factbeas importantapart oftheir
livesastheirspouseorlover.Ifyouhavealoverandabestfriendwhoarenotthe
same person, you’re already practicing many of the skills of sluthood as you
manageeachoftheirneedsforintimacy,time,andaffection.
FriendlySex
Ifoneofthosegood,intimatefriendsbecomesyourlover…whatthen?Willitruin
thefriendship?Willitleadtosomethingmore,somethingthatthreatensanother
part of your life? These are the concerns of many people encountering the
possibilitiesoffriendlysexforthefirsttime.
Theculturalbanonhavingsexwithyourfriendsisaninevitableoffshootofa
societal belief that the only acceptable reason to have sex is to lead to a
monogamous, marriage-like relationship. We believe, on the other hand, that
friendshipis anexcellentreasontohave sex,andthatsexis anexcellentwayto
maintainafriendship.
Howdoyoulearntoshareintimacywithoutfallinginlove?Wewouldpropose
that we do love our friends, whether or not we have sex with them: these
individuals are our family, often more permanent in our lives than marriages.
Withpractice,wecandevelopanintimacybasedonwarmthandmutualrespect,
muchfreerthandesperation,neediness,ortheblindinsanityoffallinginlove—
that’s why the relationships between “friends with benefits” are so immensely
valuable. When we acknowledge the love and respect and appreciation that we
sharewithloverswewouldnevermarry,sexualfriendshipscanbecomenotonly
possiblebutpreferred.Sowhileyou’reworryingthatyoursexualdesirecouldcost
youyourbestfriend,themoreexperiencedslutcouldbewonderingwhyyouare
theonlyfriendthey’veneverfucked.
“Webelievethatfriendshipisanexcellentreasontohavesex,andthatsexisan
excellentwaytomaintainafriendship.”
Dossie, when she was first a feminist, vowed to remain unpartnered for five
yearstofindoutwhoshemightbewhenshewasnottryingtobesomebody’s“old
lady.” She had many wonderful relationships during those years, a rainbow of
intimacies,includingthesharingofchildrearingandhouseholdsandfixingcars
and,ofcourse,lotsoflovelysexandaffection.Shedecidedthatifshemadesureto
be affectionate, to let people know what she loved about them, that most would
find a way to be comfortable with her, and it worked. Her quest helped her
discovernewwaysofbeingintheworldasawomanandasasexualhumanbeing—
thefoundationofwhosheisandwhatsheteachestoday.
Similarly,somepeoplelimittheirintimacytooneortwopeopleintheirlives,
and it can feel risky to expand your sense of intimate connection with more
people. Nothing increases intimacy better than shared vulnerabilities, and
sometimes that can feel scary. But when you take the risk of sharing a scary
feeling,youactuallydeepenyourconnectionandoftengetresponsesinkind,like
“I feelscared, too!” or“Ican understandthat; please tellme more.” There isno
reasonwhyanyrelationshipinourlivescan’tbeblessedwithintimacy.
Each relationshipseeksits own level,or willifyouletit.Likewater,youand
whatever person has caught your fancy can flow together as long as you let it
happeninthewaythatisfittingtoyouboth.
RelationshipAnarchy
One of the newer terms in the poly lexicon, relationship anarchy, refers to a
lifestyle decision not to take one partner as a “primary” and others as
“secondaries” (or any hierarchy of that kind) but instead to maintain each
relationshipasseparateandtomakeasfewrulesaspossible.
Anarchistsseektoavoidhierarchiesinallareasoflife,anidealisticgoalthatcan
bemorecomplicatedthanitsounds.Webenefitfromquestioningboundariesand
structuresthatoursocietymaytakeforgranted,soanarchistsarearichsourceof
exploring“outsidethebox”andlookingatwhatlifeandlovemightbelikewhen
weavoidimposingstructureonit.
Relationship anarchy generally values freedom above commitment, so its
practitionersprefertominimizeagreementsandotherpromisesregardingsexual
orromanticbehavior.Thisdoesnot,ofcourse,meaneveryonehasfreereintobe
awful—eventhewildestanarchistmightneedsomebasicunderstandingregarding
safersex,theabsenceofphysicaloremotionalabuse,andsoon,tofeelsafeenough
toengagewithanygivenpartner. Andrelationshipanarchistsstillneedtohone
their skills at intimacy, connection, and expressing affection. But if you’re the
kindofpersonwhochafesunderauthorityandfeelsrulesaremadetobebroken,
youmightfindagoodfitasarelationshipanarchist.
LivingSingle
For some sluts, being single may be a temporary condition between partners, a
recommended periodofhealing from arecent breakup,or achosen lifestyle for
thelongterm.Beingsingleisagoodwaytogettoknowwhoyouarewhenyouare
nottryingtofitastheotherhalfofsomebodyelse;learningtoenjoylivingwith
yourselfgivesyoualottosharewithpartnerswhenyouchoosetoconnect.Single
sluthoodhasitsownjoysandchallenges,whichiswhywe’regoingtodealwithit
atmuchgreaterlengthlaterinthisbook.
“Beingsingleisagoodwaytogettoknowwhoyouarewhenyouarenottrying
tofitastheotherhalfofsomebodyelse.”
In monogamy-centrist culture, singles too often journey in the Land of One-
NightStands,inwhichyougohomewithapickupandsharesomehotsex,and
then, the next morning, you look at each other and decide whether the
relationshiphaslife-partnerpotential.Ifnot,youleave,withmuchembarrassment,
andtheunspokenruleisthatyouwillneverbecomfortablewiththatweighed-in-
the-balance-and-found-wantingpersonagain.Sexasauditionhappensbecausemost
people have no script for sexual intimacy in the mid-range between complete
strangerandtotalcommitment.
Singlesluts,though,canplaythefieldinavarietyofways.Onedistinguishing
dimensionishowseparateyoukeepyourlovers.Sooneformofslutteryforthe
single involves multiple partners who have no interaction, indeed, no
information, about each other; this avoids complications at the cost of limiting
certain kinds of intimacy, such as opportunities for mutual support and the
developmentofcommunity.
Oryoumaychoosetointroduceyourloverstoeachother,perhapsoverSunday
brunch.Thismaysoundwildorimpossibleorlikeascriptfordisaster,butdon’t
knock it if you haven’t tried it. Your lovers have a lot in common—you, for
example—andtheymayverywelllikeeachother.
Ifyouareasinglepersoninanyopensexuallifestyle,youmustpayattentionto
howyouaregettingyoursexual,emotional,andsocialneedsmet.Youcandothis
inaninfinitevarietyofways.Theimportantthingistobeawareofyourneeds
andwantssoyoucangoaboutgettingthemmetwithfullconsciousness.Ifyou
pretendthatyouhavenoneedsforsex,affection,oremotionalsupport,youare
lyingtoyourself,andyouwillwinduptryingtogetyourneedsmetbyindirect
methodsthatwon’tworkverywell.Peoplewhodothisoftengetcalledmanipulative
orpassive-aggressive —terms, in our opinion, for people who have not figured out
howtogettheirneedsmetinastraightforwardmanner.
Whenyoufigureoutwhatyouwantandaskforit,you’llbesurprisedhowoften
theanswerisyes.Thinkhowrelievedyoumightfeelwhensomeoneasksyoufor
supportorahugorotherwise lets youknow howtopleasethem.Thinkofhow
competentandjustplaingoodyoufeelwhenyoucantrulyhelpanotherperson,
whether it’s by offering a shoulder to cry on or that just-right stimulation that
leads to the perfect orgasm. Give your friends the opportunity to feel good by
fulfillingyou,too.
“Monogamish”
Coined by the sex columnist Dan Savage in 2011, the term monogamish has
caught on with a rapidity that makes us think perhaps such a word has been
neededforalongtime.
Monogamishisanagreementbetweenbothhalvesofacouplethattheirbond
takesprecedenceoveranyoutsideconnections,butthattheoccasionalbrieffling
isacceptableandperhapsevendesirableforkeepingthehomefiresburning.Many
monogamishcouplestakemutuallyagreeduponthirdpartiesintotheirbedsfrom
time to time or agree together on an “anything goes” night for one-time fun.
We’ve heardof morethanafewmonogamouscoupleswhoplayfully make “one
time”exceptionsforacelebritycrush:“Okay,ifyoucangetDanSavageintobed
withyou,yougorightahead”—whichweguesscouldbefantasymonogamishness.
Forthemanycoupleswhoaretitillatedbythethoughtofanoccasionaloutside
dalliance but not ready to make the full jump into polyamory, a monogamish
agreementisthetoeyoucandipinthewatertotestthetemperature.
Partnerships
Therearemultipleformsofopenrelationshipforthepartnered,includingserial
monogamy,in which one’svarious partners areseparatedin time,and the ever-
popular nonconsensual nonmonogamy, otherwise known as cheating. We can
thinkoftheselifestylesasunconsciousfreelove,butyourauthorsfeelbothfreer
andsaferwhenweloverightoutintheopen.
Itisaxiomaticthatopenrelationshipsworkbestwhenacoupleorestablished
group takes care of each other and their relationship first, before they include
othersintheirdynamic.Sotheslutpartnershipneedstobewillingtodothework
wewill describe later in this book to communicate well and to handle jealousy,
insecurity, and territoriality with the highest consciousness. People in such
partnershipsneedtoknowandcommunicatetheirboundaries,tomakeandkeep
agreements, and to respect both each other’s boundaries and the boundaries
they’vesetfortheirrelationships.Couplesandgroupsalsoneedtomakesureto
nourishtheirownconnectiontokeepithappy,healthy,andfulfilling.
Partnerships can have a secondary relationship outside of the primary or a
number of lovers that don’t get ranked in any hierarchy. Relationships vary in
howcloseordistanttheyareemotionallyandphysicallyandinhowmuchcontact
is involved. Some may be short term, while others may last for years or even a
lifetime;somemayinvolvegettingtogethertwiceaweek,otherstwiceayear.
People new to polyamory tend to spend a lot of energy defining their
boundaries.Theyusuallyfocusmoreatfirstonwhattheydon’twanttheirpartner
to do—the activities that make them feel, for some reason, unsafe or downright
terrified—than on their actual desires. Setting these limits is, for many people, a
necessary first step into the disorienting world of sluthood. However, as
partnerships become more sophisticated at operating the boundaries of their
relationship,theytendtofocusmoreonwhattheywouldenjoyandthenstrategize
abouthowtheycanmakeitsafe.Howtocreateandfollowthislearningcurvewill
becoveredinmoredetailinchapter18,“OpeninganExistingRelationship.”
Onewomanofouracquaintancehasalifelonglifestyleofhavingtwoprimary
partners, one man and one woman, with her other partners and her primaries’
otherpartnersformingahugenetwork.Herrelationshipshistoricallyhavelasted
many years, through raising children and grandchildren, and her exes are still
activemembersofherextendedfamily.
Insomeopenrelationships,eachpartnerseeksoutotherpartnersprettymuch
separately,oftenmakingagreementsaboutwhogetstocruisewhichclubwhen,or
takingcaretoavoidrunningintoeachotherontheInternetorinpersonalads.
Theymaytalkabouttheiradventureswitheachotherandoccasionallyintroduce
playpartnerstotheirlive-inlovers.
Othersseekoutaclosematchwithanothercouplesotheycanplay,eitherasa
foursome or by switching partners, with people they have met and chosen
together. Many polyamorous couples make a fine lifestyle out of seeking
relationships with couples who are most like them, who share their values and
boundaries.Suchpairingsofpairscanbecomelifelongattachmentsandgenerate
bothhotsexandtruefamilyinterconnectedness.
Andothersallowtheirrelationshipstosettlewheretheydoandtochangeover
time.Sometimeswehavereconnectedwithanoldloverafterquiteafewyearsand
foundafitlikeanoldglove.
HierarchiesandAlternatives
Manypolyfolkliketouseahierarchicalterminologytodefinetheirrelationships:
thepeopletheylivewithinamarriage-likearrangementareprimaries, thepeople
theylovebutdon’tlivewitharesecondaries,thepeopletheyenjoyspending(often
sexual) time with, perhaps not as often or with less commitment, are tertiaries.
Other language used for couplings are life partner and the rather sweet nesting
partner.
Whilethisterminology is pervasive,andsometimes usefulasashorthand, we
have some concerns aboutasystemthatinherentlyranksthe importance ofthe
peopleinourlives.Janetsays,“EismylifepartnerandDossieismycoauthor.If
I’mbuyingahouse,E’sthemostimportant;ifI’mwritingabook,Dossieis.Each
ofthemhastheirownplaceinmylife—whydoIhavetorankthem?”
MoreThanTwo
People can make commitments to each other in numbers greater than two. The
levelofcommitmentmayvary,aswhenanexistingcouplemakesacommitment
to a third partner or even a fourth. Relationships that add, and inevitably also
subtract, members over time tend to form very complex structures, with new
configurations of family roles that they generally invent by trial and error.
Individuals in groups that come together as a threesome or foursome may find
their roles within the family developing, growing, and changing over time: the
personwhofeelslikethe“mother”ofthegroupthisyearmightwelltransitionto
“kid”or“dad”overtimeorwitheachdifferentpartner.
Triads allow three partners, in any combination of genders, to form a family
unit.Somepeoplegrowintotriadicorquadraticfamiliesastheyattaindeepening
involvement with one or more members who started as outside lovers. Others
actively seek members for group marriages to fulfill their ideal of the kind of
family theywanttolivein.Wehaveheardofpeoplewhoidentifyas“trisexual”
becausetheyaresostronglyattunedtotheideaoflivingandlovingaspartofa
threesome.
“Transcendcompetitiveness:there’senoughofeverythingforeverybody.”
Balancing triads can be challenging: in any ménage à trois there are actually
threecouples,A&B,B&C,andC&A,andeachoftheserelationshipswillbe
different.Inatriad,aswiththesiblingsofafamily,alltherelationshipswillnot
beatthesamelevelatthesametime;we’veheardoflengthyargumentsoverwhich
memberofatriadshouldrideinthebackseatofthecar.Inallformsofethical
sluthood, but perhaps especially in triads, it is vital to find ways to transcend
competitiveness:there’senoughofeverythingforeverybody.
PublicSex
Slutsinanykindofrelationshipmayenjoygroupsex.Environmentsfororgies,
partyhouses,sexclubs,swinghouses,bathhouses,andgloryholesareavailablein
manymajorcitiesinavarietyofformsandfornearlyallsexualpreferences.We
willtellyouallabouttheminchapter24.Agroupsexenvironmentmayconstitute
a safe field of exploration for a monogamish couple. They can attend parties
togetherorseparately,cruisesinglyorasatwosome,meeteachother’sfriends,and
playwithavarietyofpeople,allthewhilemaintainingwhateverconnectionwith
eachothertheyfeelgoodabout.Inthisway,sexoutsidetheprimaryrelationship
isdefinedbythespecificenvironmentinwhichithappens.
Group sex environments often develop their own families, people who
participate regularly and get to know each other and may share other activities,
like giant Thanksgiving dinners. The film Shortbus portrays the varied and
fascinating individuals who form a chosen family through their friendly
neighborhoodsexclub.
ChosenFamily
Circle is a word we use for a set of connections among a group of people that
actuallymightlookmorelikeaconstellation,withsomepeoplenearthehuband
connectedtoseveralothersandothersneartheoutsideandconnectedtoonlyone
ortwoand,perhaps,partofanotherconstellationaswell.Theseconstellationsmay
becasualormaybecomeextendedfamilies,withprovisionsforraisingchildren,
makingaliving,takingcareofthesickoraging,andpurchasingproperty.
Dr. James Ramey, in his wonderful book Intimate Friendships, documented his
observations that nonmonogamy could facilitate the formation of what he
describedaskinshipnetworks,communitiesboundtogetherbytheintimaciesof
theirsexualconnections,perhaps servingthesamefunctionsas villagesdidina
smallerworld.Someofushavetakentoreferringtoourgroupingsastribes.
Circles of sexual friends are common—some people call these friends “fuck
buddies.”Suchcirclesmaybeopenandwelcomenewmembers,typicallybrought
in by other members. When you are part of such a circle, new lovers of any
member are potential friends and family members of your own, so the focus
changes from competition and exclusivity to a sense of inclusion and welcome,
oftenverywarmindeed.
Other circles are closed, with new members welcome only by agreement with
existingmembers.Closedcirclesaresometimessetupasastrategyforsafetyfrom
HIV infection and other sexually transmitted conditions and also to deal with
alienationinanoverpopulatedworld.Inaclosedcircle,thenotionisthatyoucan
playwithanyoneinthecircle(allofwhomhavemadeagreementsaboutsafersex
and are all perhaps of known STI status), but you don’t have sex with anyone
outsidethegroup.Thusyougettoplayaroundwithavarietyofrelationshipsand
stillstayinalimitedfield.Suchlifestylesaresometimesknownaspolyfidelity.
These are justafewof the ways in which sluts have chosen to organize their
livesandloves.Yougettochooseoneorseveralorinventoneofyourown.We
think that relationship structures should be designed to fit the people in them
rather than people chosen to fit some abstract ideal of the perfect relationship.
There’s no right or wrong way to do this as long as everyone’s having fun and
gettingtheirneedsmet.
InPraiseofMonogamy
Althoughmonogamy isn’tthechoice ofeitherofyourauthors,weneverthelessapplaudit as
oneoftheinfinitepossibilitiesavailabletothethoughtfulslut—onethatoffersadifferentsetof
risksandrewardsthanotherrelationshipsbutanexcellentchoiceformany,eithertemporarily
orpermanently.
A friend of ours (born only a few years before the initial publication of this book, who first
readitwhenshewasscandalouslyyoung)recentlysaid,“Iwastalkingtoafriendofminewho’s
monogamous, and it seemed like some odd sort of BDSM contract: an agreement to share
theirsexualityonlywithoneperson.Notwrong,ofcourse,notifbothpeopleagreetoit.Just…
weird.”
Andwethinkthatifyoucan’tunderstandwhyanyonewouldchoosemonogamy,youcould
thinkofitasacontract,justliketheoneadominant/submissivecouplemightsigntosolidify
their agreements with one another, as valid as any other consensual and well-informed
relationshipchoice.
Whataretheadvantagesofmonogamy?Wethinktheymightinclude:
• Awaytofocusyourenergyonjustonepartnerinsteadofspreadingitoverseveral
• Awaytokeepthedecksclearedforothermajorresponsibilities(anewbaby,graduate
school,ademandingcareer…)
• Acommitmenttostretchyoursexualintereststomeetyourpartner’sdesiresratherthan
sendingthosedesiresoutsidetherelationship—orthereverse,tomakeawillingsacrifice
ofsomepersonaldesirestowardthewell-beingoftherelationship
• The simplicity of maintaining a straightforward calendar and not having to
accommodate anyone’s needs beyond yours, your partner’s, and those of any
dependentsyoumightcarefor
Andofcourse,there’snolawsayingthatonceyouchoosemonogamy(or,forthatmatter,
anyotherrelationshipstyle),youmuststicktoitforeverandever.Janetthinksthatinaworld
whereallrelationshipchoiceswereavailablewithoutjudgmentorsocialsanction,manypeople
mightchoosea patternofrelationship stylesthatcorrespondedtotheirlifechanges:sluttery
duringearlyadulthood,monogamyduringthefranticyearsofcareerbuildingandchildrearing,
then some sort of polyamory (either within the original couple or as a single person, post-
breakup) during middle age, and at last a gentle and loving wind down into affectionate
celibacy.Althoughwehaveheardofsomeremarkablysluttyretirementcommunities.
Theonlyobjectionwehavetomonogamyisnottothepracticeitselfbuttothewidespread
beliefthatit’syouronlymoralchoice.Bythispointinthebook,wehopeyou’vefiguredoutthat
it is onlyoneof myriad choices andthatyou gettodecidefor yourself (with input fromyour
partners)whatrelationshipstylewillworkbestforyou.
Ifyouthinkitovercarefullyanddecideyouwantmonogamy,you’llstillneedmostifnotall
oftheskillsyou’relearningaboutinthisbook:jealousy,timemanagementissues,thenatural
ebbandflowofdesire,andalltherestofithappentomonogamists,too.Sopleasereadon.
8
ABUNDANCE
Many traditional attitudesaboutsexuality arebasedon theunspoken beliefthat
thereisn’tenoughofsomething—love,sex,friendship,commitment—togoaround.
Ifyoubelievethis,ifyouthinkthatthere’salimitedamountofwhatyouwant,it
canseemveryimportanttostakeyourclaimtoyourshareofit.Youmaybelieve
thatyouhavetotakeyourshareawayfromsomebodyelse,becauseifit’ssucha
verygoodthing,someoneelseisprobablycompetingwithyouforit.Oryoumay
believethatifsomeoneelsegetssomething,thatmeanstheremustbelessofitfor
you.
Wewantallofourreaderstogeteverythingtheywant.Herearesomeideasthat
mighthelpyouoversomeoftheobstaclesonthepath.
StarvationEconomies
People often learn about starvation economies in childhood, when experiences
withparentswhoareemotionallydepletedorotherwiseunavailableteachusthat
wemustworkhardtogetouremotionalneedsmet.Welearnthatifwerelaxour
vigilanceforeven amoment,amysterious someone orsomething maytakethe
love we need away from us. Some of us may even have experienced real-world
hunger—havingtocompete for the food that keeps us alive—or outright neglect,
deprivation, or abuse. Or we may learn starvation economies later in life, from
manipulative,withholding,orpunitivelovers,spouses,orfriends.
The beliefs acquired in childhood are usually deeply buried and hard to see,
bothinindividualsandinourculture.Soyoumayhavetolookcarefullytosee
thepattern.Whenisitokaytowantanything?Peoplemaythinkthatifyoulove
Bill that means you must love Mary less, or if you’re committed to your
relationship with your friend, you must be less committed to your relationship
withyourspouse.Andthenhowdoyouknowifyou’renumberoneinapartner’s
heart?
This kind of thinking is a trap. We know, for example, that having a second
child doesn’t usually mean that a parent loves the first child less, and that the
person who owns three pets doesn’t necessarily give any less care to any one of
themthanthepersonwhoownsone.Butwhenitcomestosex,love,andromance,
it’shardformostpeopletobelievethatmoreforyoudoesn’tmeanlessforme,
andweoftenbehaveasifdesperatestarvationisjustaroundthecornerifwedon’t
stockpilesomeloverightnow.
LettingGo
Gettingoverpastfearsofstarvationcanbeoneofthebiggestchallengesofethical
sluthood.Itrequiresanenormousleapoffaith:youhavetoletgoofsomeofwhat
feelslikeyours,trustingthatitwillbereplacedinabundancebyagenerousworld.
Youneedtogetclearthatyoudeserveloveandnurturanceandwarmthandsex.If
the world hasn’t been all that generous to you in the past, this may be very
difficult.
Unfortunately,wecan’tpromiseyouthattheworldwillbegeneroustoyou.We
think it will, that if you loosen your possessive grip on the love that’s already
yours,you’llgetmorefromthepersonwholovesyouandmaybefromsomeother
people,too.Itcertainlyhasworkedforus.But,especiallyinthebeginning,letting
goofstarvationeconomiescanfeelalotlikeflyingonatrapeze:youhavetoletgo
of the security you already have, trusting that at the end of the leap, there will
alwaysbesomethingelsetocatchyou.
Is there a safety net for this kind of daredevilry? Well, yes, but it’s going to
requireanotherleapoffaith…becausethesafetynetisyou:yourself-reliance,your
self-nurturing, your ability to spend time in your own company. If being alone
seemsunbearabletoyou,thecouragerequiredtorelinquishwhat’s“yours”maybe
impossibletosummon.
Ontheotherhand,whatanincrediblyfreefeelingitistorealizethatthereis
enoughlove,sex,commitment,support,andnurturingtogoaround!Janetusedto
spendthenightswhenherpartnerwasoutwithsomeoneelsebysecuringadate
withoneofherotherloverssoshewouldn’thavetobealone.Now,shesays,“I
knowthatoptionisthereformeifIwantit,butmuchmoreoften,Ichooseto
spendthattime in my owncompany,enjoyingthe opportunityforsolitary self-
indulgence.” Knowing that the world offers plenty of companionship, she feels
safeenoughtonotneedthatreassurance.
Real-WorldLimits
Incontrasttostarvationeconomies,someofthethingswewantreallyarelimited.
There are only twenty-four hours in the day, for example— so trying to find
enoughtimetodoallthewonderfullysluttythingsweenjoy,withallthepeople
wecareabout,canbearealchallengeandsometimesimpossible.
Timeisthebiggestreal-worldlimitweencounterintryingtoliveandloveaswe
like. This problem is hardly exclusive to sluts; monogamous folks also run into
problemsfindingthetimeforsex,companionship,andcommunication.
Careful planning can help—if you don’t already keep a shared datebook or
onlinecalendar,nowisagoodtimetostart.Respectingoneanother’srealities,and
staying flexible, is important. Crises happen: a sick child, a work emergency, or
even another partner who needs companionship and reassurance during a
particularlybadtime.Youmightalsowanttodosomethinkingabouthowmuch
time you need to get your needs met: do you really have to stay over and have
breakfasttogetherthenextday,orwouldanhourortwoofcuddlingandtalkbe
justasnice?
However you work out your schedule, remember that everybody concerned
needstoknowaboutit,andthatmayincludemorepeoplethanyouareusedto
thinkingabout.Afriendofours,havingfailedtoinformhiswife’sloveraboutan
engagementthataffectedtheirschedule,moaned:“IknowItoldsomeone.”
Don’tforgettoscheduletimetorelatetoyourpartnerandplaywithyourkids.
Anddon’tleaveyourselfout:manybusyslutsfinditimportanttoschedulealone
timeforrestandreplenishment.Janet,whenshelivedinaGrandCentralStation–
like group household, had an arrangement with her girlfriend that she could
occasionallyusethegirlfriend’shouseforsolitaryretreats—arareandpreciousgift
—whenthegirlfriendwasoutoftown.
Space is another real-world limit for many people. Few of us are fortunate
enoughtoliveinmultiroommansionswithroomsdedicatedexclusivelytosex.If
you’re in your bedroom with your friend and your live-in partner is sleepy and
wantstogotobed,you’vegotaproblem.Crashing onanarrowcouchinone’s
ownapartmentwhileone’spartnerdisportswithsomeoneelseinone’sbedmay
be beyond the limits of even the most advanced slut. When you share your
bedroom or other play space with a partner or lover(s), we suggest making clear
agreementswellinadvanceofanydateandstickingstrictlytothem.Thisproblem
may be solved by separate bedrooms or personal spaces if you can afford them.
One couple we interviewed said, “Having separate bedrooms is a nonnegotiable
needforus;wewouldn’tbeabletomaintainthislifestylewithoutthem.”
Possessionscanalsobeanissue.It’sonlynaturaltowanttoshareourstuffwith
the people we care about. But this urge can cause problems when possessions—
money, food, art, sex toys—belong, legally or emotionally, to more than one
person. If there’s any chance that someone feels a sense of possession about an
item,westronglyrecommendthatyoutalkcarefullywiththatpersonbeforeyou
share the item with someone else. This rule is sometimes simple: you don’t let
yourloverpolishoffthecartonofmilkthatyourspousewasplanningtodrinkfor
breakfast. It sometimes gets tricky, though. While you may have the technical
righttogiveawayagiftthatwasgiventoyoubysomeoneelse,thewifewhosees
her husband’s Father’s Day tie around his lover’s neck may feel understandably
miffed.Similarly,it’s agood idea toget consentaboutsharing anitemthatwas
made for you by a lover or is something that the two of you bought together
during an intimate shopping trip on your anniversary. Many sluts, for the
purposes of hygiene and/or emotional attachment, set aside certain sex toys for
use with only one person: my vibrator, Harry’s dildo. Lending or giving jointly
owned money without discussing it with the co-owner is, we hope it’s not
necessarytosay,unacceptable.
SexualEconomies
The “tyranny of hydraulics” is Dossie’s phrase for the biological realities that
govern many aspects of sexuality. While it might be nice to think that you’re a
sexualsuperherowhocangenerateerectionsondemandadinfinitum,neitherofus
has yet met such a person. A partner who is looking forward to conventional
sexual activities with a lover may be quite understandably disappointed to find
themunavailablebyvirtueofhavingejaculatedwithanotherpartnerearlierthat
day.Andeventhemostmultiplyorgasmicofuscan’tstayturnedonforever.
Such problems can often be solved by readjusting your expectations of what
constitutessex—doesitreallyalwaysrequireanerection,anorgasm,anejaculation?
If partner A reaches orgasm before partner B, is there any reason why lovely
stimulationscan’tcontinueuntilpartnerBcomestotheirhappyending?
Practitionersoftantricyogahavedevelopedwaysbywhichmanypenisowners
can experience orgasm without ejaculation. These strategies are only somewhat
usefulforbirthcontrolandsafersexandarecertainlynosubstituteforcondoms.
But they come with a wonderful side effect: those who learn to orgasm without
ejaculating may conquer their refractory period, becoming able to come many
times. Practitioners of many other kinds of sex have developed ways in which
enthusiasticslutscangivetheirpartnersoneormanyorgasmsandenjoyasurfeit
of sensual pleasures themselves, regardless of their physiological state of arousal.
Erectionsmaycomeandgo,buttherestofthenervoussystemworksprettymuch
all the time. Before you give up on polyamory because of the tyranny of
hydraulics, we suggest you investigate at least some of these possibilities (take a
lookatchapter23,“SexandPleasure,”andsomeofthebooksinFurtherReading).
Rememberoutercourse.Rememberthehugerangeofsexualdelightsthatdon’t
have any relationship whatsoever to erections. Remember sensuality. Rediscover
massageforitsownsake.Shareafabulouslysmuttyconversationaboutwhatyou’d
liketodotoeachother.
“Erections may comeand go, but therestofthenervoussystemworks pretty
muchallthetime.”
AreYouReallyGoingtoStarve?
Whenyoutrytodecidewhatlimitsyouwanttotheopennessofyourrelationship,
it’snotalwayseasytotellwhicharebasedonrealityandwhichonfearorillusion.
First, you have topinpoint the areasin yourlifewhere youfeelinsecure,where
you perceive the possibility of deprivation—a task that requires a lot of self-
searchingandhonesty.Ithelpstoask,“WhatamIafraidmighthappen?”
Isyourpartner’sfondnessfortheirfriendreallygoingtomakethemfalloutof
lovewithyou?Whatifyourpartnerdoesn’tthinkyou’respecialanymore?Whatif
your partner is so ecstatically happy thatthey don’t needyou? Why wouldyour
partnereverwantyou,anyway?Thesearesomeofthehorriblelittlethoughtsthat
popupinourmindswhenwe’rescaredofstarving.
You need to decide whether the thing you fear is actually possible. Then you
need to choose what you want to do about it. Frequent check-ins, good
communication to keep you aware of whether anyone’s feeling deprived or
overextended,andlotsofinternalrealitychecks(isyourdisappointmentthatthey
can’tgetitupreallyjustthat,orisitangerorjealousyovertheirdatelastnight?)
can help. We’ll talk later about how to get reassurance and support when you’re
afraid.
LimitsCanStretch
Sometimes, you just have to try it and see. The old chestnut, “If you love
something,letitgo”issentimental,butmorethanakerneloftruthliesatitscore.
Inthesamewaythatdietersaresometimescounseledtoletthemselvesgethungry
toseewhatthatfeelslikeandlearnthattheycansurvivethefeeling,youmayneed
toletyourselffeeldeprived,simplytoprovetoyourselfthatfeelingdeprivedisn’t
the end of the world. Sometimes letting go of one pleasure opens your eyes to
another that was there from the start; sometimes a new one comes along;
sometimes you find out you don’t need it all that much right now anyway. We
can’ttellyouwhatlettinggowillfeellike;allwecandoisassureyouthatyouwill
learnsomethingfromit.
Learningnewthingstakestime,sogiveyourselfplenty.Itcanbeusefultoget
clearwithwhatyouareworkingonlearningrightnow—likehowtofeelsafeand
sexyandspecialwhenyourpartnerisoutonadate—andpromiseyourselfyouwill
learnthenextthing,well,next.Everychange,smallorlarge,isaccomplishedone
step at a time, so work on this step today, and you’ll be ready for the next one
tomorrowormaybenextweek—workingontoday’sstepishowyougetreadyfor
tomorrow.
PolyPioneers:TheOneidaCommunity
John Humphrey Noyes was a Protestant preacher in rural Vermont in the 1840s when he
discoveredaconnectionbetweensexandspirituality.Noyesfeltterribleaboutwantingsexafter
his wife had suffered through four dangerous pregnancies culminating in stillbirths, so he
experimentedwithsexthatcouldnotresultinpregnancy.Hediscoveredthatmen,byslowing
down the sexual act and possibly applying pressure to the perineum, could learn to have
orgasmswithoutejaculating.Thispracticemadepossiblemultipleorgasmsformen,and,tohis
surprise,intensifiedtheorgasmicexperiencetothelevelofreligiousecstasy.
Noyes embraced this expanded sexual practice as sacrament, preaching that the sexual
organswere“themediumofthenoblestworshipofGod.”(Manyreligiousgroupsaroundthe
worldhaveexploredsimilarphilosophies,creatingasubstantial bodyofbooks,websites,and
workshopsavailabletotheeroticexplorer.Ifyou’recurious,pointyourfavoritesearchengineto
termsliketantra,healingtao,andqodoushka.)
Noyesandhiscongregationsoondevelopedafreelovecommunitythatlastedinitspurest
form for more than thirty years. To escape judgmental neighbors, the congregation acquired
land in rural New York, in the town of Oneida, where they eventually built a nintey-three-
bedroommansionandestablishedbusinessestosupporttheircommunity,includingthestill-
functioningOneidaCommunitySilverware.
Oneidasoughttolivefreeofacquisitivenessandpossessiveness.Exclusiverelationshipswere
discouraged, and Oneidans worked to avoid what they called “sticky love”—by which they
meantromanceorfallinginlove—infavorofcommunallove.
The community evolved an ethos of women’s rights that was very advanced for its era.
Effortsweremadetoensureequalityinworkbetweenmenandwomen;womencuttheirhair
short and wore knee-length dresses with bloomers, giving them freedom of movement;
womenwereactiveparticipantsinchoosingsexualpartnersandweresentofftocollegesand
law schools and medical schools. Children were raised communally from about eighteen
months of age to accustom them to a communal life, discourage excessive attachment
between children and parents, and free the women to explore whatever work or learning
inspiredthem.
Unfortunately, Oneida was not immune to the nineteenth-century fad of eugenics. Noyes
jumped on the bandwagon, determining that his community was the best possible place to
breedsupermenandsuperwomenandbegantocontrolingreatdetailwhoshouldpropagate
with whom. Guess whoNoyes thought hadthebest genes?He hadmany descendants with
manydifferentmothers.
Eventually, Noyes was forced to flee to Canada, fearing prosecution under the Comstock
Lawsthatcriminalizedevenwritingaboutbirthcontrolasobscenity.IntheabsenceofNoyes’s
missionary zeal, the community continued for a while, mutually supportive but much less
communal—getting married more often, building private houses for couples and families on
thecommunalland,andsoon.Eventuallyitlookedalotmorelikeanicesmalltownthana
commune.
Themansionstillstandsasamuseum.
9
SLUTSKILLS
Greatslutsaremade,notborn.Theskillsyouneedtokeepyouandyourpartners
happyandgrowinggetdevelopedthroughacombinationofconsciouseffortand
frequentpractice.Thereareskillsyoucanlearnthatwillhelpstartyouradventure
ontherightfootandkeepitontrack.
Self-examination, in our opinion, is always a good idea—when you are
journeying without a map, having a clear picture of your internal landscape
becomesessential.Askyourself:Whatdoyouexpectfromthiswayoflivingyour
life? What rewards can you foresee that will compensate you for doing the hard
work of learning to be secure in a world of shifting relationships? Some people
who have already made the journey cite benefits like sexual variety, less
dependence on a single relationship, or a sense of belonging to a network of
friends,lovers,andpartners.Thepeopleweinterviewedsaidthingslikethis:
•“Igetrelieffrompressure—Idon’thavetofulfilleverysinglethingmy
partnerneedsorwants,whichmeansIdon’thavetotrytobesomebodyI’m
not.”
•“Peoplehavedifferentwaysofknowingandunderstandingthings,so
intimacywithvariouspeopleexpandsmyappreciationoftheuniverse.”
•“Icanhavehoteroticexperienceswithoutgenitalsexandwithout
compromisingmyemotionalmonogamy.”
•“Mylifestylegivesmepersonalfreedom,independence,andresponsibility
inawaythatbeinginanexclusivecoupledoesnot.”
•“Idon’tbelievethathumansaredesignedtobemonogamous.Monogamy
goesagainstmyinstincts.”
•“Ineverfeelthatthegrassmightbegreenerontheothersideofthefence—
I’vebeenthere.”
•“Outsidepartnersareaninfusionofsexualjuiceintomyprimary
relationship.”
As you read this book and hear some stories about successful sluts, you may
discoverspecialbenefitsforyou.Whatareyourreasonsforchoosingthispath?
Alas,manypeoplebegintoexploreopenrelationshipsbecausetheirpartneris
pushingthemintoitorbecausealltheirfriendsaredoingitandtheydon’twant
toseemprudish.Weaskthatyougetclearwithinyourselfthatyou’redoingthis
for you— because it excites you, because it offers opportunities for learning and
growthandfun,becauseyouwantto.Makenomistake,thiscanbearockyroad.If
you’renavigatingitforthewrongreasons,resentmentcaneasilypoisonthevery
relationshipsyousetouttoimprove.
Sexualchangecanbeapathofreprogrammingyourself,withabundantsexand
love as the carrot and the fear of deprivation, boredom, or self-loathing as the
stick.Becausewedon’tbelievetheurgetowardmonogamyisinnate,wethinkyou
must have learned your feelings and beliefs somewhere—from your parents, from
your past lovers, from your culture. What you have learned, you can obviously
unlearn,andyoucanlearnsomethingnew.Exploringyourfeelingsandchanging
yourreactionstothemcanbedifficult—butwhatafeelingofpowerandtriumph
eachtimeyousucceed!
“Sexual change can be a path of reprogramming yourself, with abundant sex
andloveasthecarrotandthefearofdeprivation,boredom,orself-loathingas
thestick.”
ToolsforSuccessfulSluttery
The people we know who succeed at ethical sluthood usually have a set of skills
that helps them forge their pathway cleanly, honestly, and with a minimum of
unnecessarypain.Herearesomeoftheskillswethinkareimportant.
COMMUNICATION
Learning to talk clearly, and listen effectively, is critical. A technique for good
listeningistolistentowhatyourpartnerhastosaywithoutinterruptingandlet
themknowyouheardthembytellingthemwhatyouthinktheyjustsaid.Usethis
clarificationtechniquebeforeyourespondwithyourownthoughtsandfeelings.In
thisway,youmakesureyouhaveclearunderstandingbeforeyougoonwithyour
discussion.Similarly,ifyou’retheonetalking,it’snotfairtoexpectyourpartner
toreadyourmind—takethetimeandefforttobeasclearandthoroughinyour
explanation as you can, and be sure to include information about the emotions
you’refeelingaswellasthefactsinvolved.
If your communications often seem to go awry, it might be a good idea to
spend some time and effort learning better communication skills: many adult
educationfacilitiesofferexcellentcommunicationclassesforcouples,andyoucan
doanInternetsearchon“communicationsskillscouples”withthenameofyour
areatofindsomethingnearyou.
EMOTIONALHONESTY
Beingabletoaskforandreceivereassuranceandsupportiscrucial.OneofJanet’s
partnersusedtorequest,whenJanetwasofftoajoyouslyanticipateddatewithone
of her other lovers, “Just tell me I don’t have anything to worry about.” Janet
reports that it felt very good to know that he was willing to ask for reassurance
whenheneededitandthathetrustedhertotellthetruthaboutherfeelings.If
youimaginehisfeelingsifhefeltinsecureanddidn’taskforreassurance,youcan
seewhyit’ssoimportanttogetyourneedsmetupfront.
Wehaveallbeenafraidtoask,wehaveallfailedtoask,wehaveallbeenirked
withourloverswhentheydidn’treadourmindsandofferusthereassurancewe
crave,andwehaveallthought,“Ishouldn’thavetoask.”Let’sremembertohonor
the courage it takes to ask for support, to share vulnerable feelings. Let’s pat
ourselvesonthebackwhenwedothethingsthatscareus,andthenlet’sdothem
somemore.
“Let’s remember to honor the courage it takes to ask for support, to share
vulnerablefeelings.”
AFFECTION
Similarly,it’svitaltobeabletogivereassuranceandsupport,bothinresponsetoa
requestandonyourown.Ifyoucan’ttellyourpartnersthatyoulovethemorgive
them a heartfeltcompliment ortell them whatyouthink is sowonderfulabout
them,itmaybeoptimistictoassumethatthey’llbeabletoremainsecureenough
toaccommodateyourotherrelationships.
Putsomethoughtintohowyoucanletyourpartnersknowhowimportantthey
are to you. We recommend lots of hugging, touching, verbal affection, sincere
flattery, little “love ya” gifts, and whatever else helps everyone feel secure and
connected.
FAITHFULNESS
Ifyouhaveoneormoreprimaryrelationships,takealookatwhatyoucandoto
reinforce their primacy. Many people in long-term relationships have certain
activities that they keep only for their life partners—particular sexual behaviors,
sleepovers,termsofaffection,orwhatever.Lookatyourpublicbehavior—areyou
comfortableintroducingyourpartnertothecutenumberyouareflirtingwithata
wildparty?Wefigureanycutiewhowouldbeputoffbymeetingourspouseswill
likely make trouble in the future, so it’s better if we find out now. Make
agreementswithyourpartnersbeforetheparty,andthenyouneedneverwonder
whetheryouarewelcometojoinagrouporaconversation thatyour belovedis
enjoying.
Pay attention, also, to how you acknowledge your nonprimary relationships.
Howwillapartneryoumayneverlivewithfeellovedandsecure?Whatrightsdoes
this partner have to your time and attention? How can you offer affection and
reassurancetoeveryonewhoisimportanttoyou?Makeitapointtoleteveryone
youloveknowit.Makeagreementswithyourlifepartnerorpartnersaboutwhat
youwilldowhenanoutsidepartnerneedssupportorhasacrisislikeanaccident
orillness.Whomakesthechickensoup?Maybeit’syou.
LIMITSETTING
Tobeahappyslut,youneedtoknowhow—andwhen—tosayno.Havingaclear
senseofyourownlimits,andrespectingthoselimits,cankeepyoufeelinggood
about yourself and help prevent those morning-after blues. Some limits may be
aboutsexualbehaviors:Wouldyouhavesexwithagenderotherthantheoneyou
usuallydo?Wouldyoutryakindofsexyouthinkiskinky?Limitsaboutsafersex
andbirthcontrolareobviouslyrequired:somethingsyoudefinitelydonotwant
to bring home with you. Limits might be about relationship styles, such as
frequencyofcontactorintensityofconnection.Wealsoencourageyoutothink
aboutethicaldilemmasandhowyou’dreacttothem.Wouldyou,forexample,bea
lovertoacoupledindividualwhosepartnerdidn’tknowaboutyourinvolvement?
Wouldyoulietoalover,fakeanorgasm?
Andthenthere’sthevery,veryimportantlimitof,“Idon’twantto,”evenifit’s
youranniversary,evenifyou’resupposedtowantto,evenifyouhaven’tforalong
time.Noexcusesareneeded.
Whenyourespectyourownlimits,otherswilllearntorespectthem,too.People
tendtoliveuptoyourstandardswhenyouarenotafraidtosetthem.Onlywhen
everyone’slimitsareoutintheopendoyoubecomefreetoaskforyourdearest
fantasies,secureintheknowledgethatifyourfrienddoesn’twantto,theywon’t.
From this position we can ask for the earth and often end up getting a goodly
chunkofit.
PLANNING
Successful sluts know that relationships don’t just happen—they take work,
planning,andcommitment.Fewofushavesomuchtimeonourhandsthatwe
can simply have conversations, sex, recreation, family time, or even fights
wheneverwefeellikeit—mundanerealityhasatendencytogetinthewayofsuch
importantstuff. Andyes,wedo thinkfightingis importantandnecessary—we’ll
talk more about the hows and whys in chapter 16, “Embracing Conflict.” If
schedulingafightseemsalittlebitabsurd,justimaginetheresultsoflettingthe
tensionbuildforseveraldaysbecauseyouhaven’tmadetimetoargue.
Get yourself a group calendar and use it: some of the online calendars, where
everyone can enter appointments and see what other appointments others have
made,workwellforthis.Onceyou’vemadeacommitmenttospendtimetogether
for any reason, keep it—we know you’re busy, but postponing important
relationship work to attend to other business does not speak well of the
significanceyougiveyourrelationships,doesit?
KNOWINGYOURSELF
Aswehavesaidbefore,weareallcarryingaroundalotofgarbageinourminds
aboutsexandgender;someofthesebeliefsareburiedsodeeptheycandriveour
behavior unconsciously, creating confusion and causing a great deal of pain to
ourselvesandthepeoplewelove.
Thesedeeplyheldbeliefsaretherootsofsexismandsex-negativity,andtobea
radicalslut,youaregoingtohavetouprootthem.Totrulyknowyourselfistolive
on a constant journey of self-exploration, to learn about yourself from reading,
therapy, and, best of all, talking incessantly with others who are traveling on
similarpaths.Thishardworkiswellworthitbecauseitisthewayyoubecomefree
to choose how you want to live and love, own your life, and become truly the
authorofyourexperience.
“Totrulyknowyourselfistoliveonaconstantjourneyofself-exploration.”
OWNINGYOURFEELINGS
A basic precept of intimate communication is that each person owns their own
feelings.Noone“makes”youfeeljealousorinsecure—thepersonwhomakesyou
feelthatwayisyou.Nomatterwhattheotherpersonisdoing,whatyoufeelin
responseisdeterminedinsideyou.Evenwhensomebodydeliberatelytriestohurt
you, you make a choice about how you feel. You might feel angry or hurt or
frightenedorguilty.Thechoice,notusuallyconscious,happensinsideyou.
Reachingthisunderstandingisnotaseasyasitsounds.Whenyoufeelrotten,it
canbehardtoaccepttheresponsibilityforhowyoufeel:wouldn’tthisbeeasierif
itweresomeoneelse’sfault?Theproblemisthatwhenyoublamesomeoneelsefor
how you feel, you disempower yourself. If this is someone else’s fault, only that
personcanfixit,right?Sopooryoucan’tdoanythingbutsitthereandmoan.
Ontheotherhand,whenyouownyourfeelings,youhavelotsofchoices.You
cantalkabouthowyoufeel, youcan choose whetheror notyouwanttoacton
thosefeelings,youcanlearnhowtounderstandyourselfbetter,youcancomfort
yourself or ask for comfort. Owning your feelings is basic to understanding the
boundariesofwhereyouendandthenextpersonbeginsandtheperfectfirststep
towardself-acceptanceandself-love.
“Whenyouownyourfeelings,youhavelotsofchoices.”
GOINGEASYONYOURSELF
Asprepared,ascentered,asstableasyouare,youaregoingtotripoverproblems
youneveranticipated—weguaranteeit.
Perhapsthemostimportantstepindealingwithproblemsistorecognizethat
they will happen and that it’s okay that they do. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll
encounter beliefs, myths, and “buttons” you never knew you had. There will be
timeswhenyou’llfeelprettyawful.
Canwetellyouhowtoavoidfeelingbad?Nope.Butwethinkyou’dforgivea
friendorloverwhomisunderstoodormadeamistake,andwehopeyou’llgrant
yourselfthesameamnesty.Knowing,loving,andrespectingyourselfisanabsolute
prerequisitetoknowing,loving,andrespectingsomeoneelse.Cutyourselfsome
slack.
A friend of ours, when she trips over some surprisingly intense emotional
response, says, philosophically, “Oh well—AFOG,” which stands, she says, for
“AnotherFucking OpportunityforGrowth.”Learningfromone’smistakesisn’t
fun,butit’swaybetterthannotlearningatall.
TELLINGTHETRUTH
Throughout yourexperience—as youfeel pain,ambivalence,joy—youmustspeak
yourowntruth,firsttoyourselfandthentothosearoundyou.Silentsufferingand
self-deceptionhavenoplaceinthislifestyle.Pretendingthatyoufeelgreatwhen
you’reinagonywillnotmakeyouabetterslut;itwillmakeyoubitterlyunhappy,
anditmaymakethosewhocareaboutyouevenunhappier.Everybodyfeelsbad
sometimes,soyouareinexcellentcompany.Andwhenyouhavethecouragetobe
openaboutavulnerablefeeling,everyonearoundyougetspermissiontobeopen
withtheirs.
Whenyoutellthetruth,youdiscoverhowmuchyouhaveincommonwiththe
people you care about. Honesty puts you in an excellent position to support
yourselvesandeachotherinalifebasedonunderstandingandlovingacceptance.
Asyoudigdeeperandshareyourdiscoveries,youmaylearnmoreaboutyourself
and others than you ever knew before. Welcome that knowledge and keep on
diggingformore.
EXERCISE:SOMEAFFIRMATIONSTOTRY
Maybetheseaffirmationswillworkforyouormaybeyouneedto
createyourown.Whateveryoucomeupwith,writethemdown,
postthemonyourrefrigerator,carrythemaroundinyourpocket,
andwhenyoufeelyouneedto,standinfrontofamirrorandtell
themtoyourself.
· Ideservelove.
· Mybodyissexyjustthewayitis.
· IaskforwhateverIwantandsaynotowhateverIdon’t.
· Icanturndifficultiesintoopportunitiesforgrowth.
· Eachnewconnectionexpandsme.
· IcontainallIneedforalifefullofdelight.
· Sexisabeautifulexpressionofmylovingspirit.
· Iamonmypersonalpathtoecstasy.
ABriefHistoryofShame
Mostofusgrewupinanatmosphereofshameaboutbodiesandsex.Weweretaughtshame
ataveryearlyage,beforewecouldunderstandmorethantheacutelyuncomfortablefeeling.
Those of us who have seen very young children explore their bodies know that toddlers
explorethoseinteresting-feelingpartsinthecrotchwiththesameinnocentcuriositythatleads
themtoplaywiththeirtoes:theyarelearningtheirbodies.
And that gets us to a very important truth: every single one of us was taught not to
masturbateinthelivingroom.Heretheparents’responsepredictsthefuture:Manyparentswill
respond to any childhood masturbation with shock and horror, teaching us that our genitals
aredirtyandshameful.Someluckyfewofushadparentswhogentlytaughtusthatbigpeople
masturbateintheirbedroomswiththedoorshut—andthatpopulationis,wearegladtonote,
steadilyincreasing.
If we take a look within ourselves when shame arises, we might find the places where we
blockourselves,wheresomehowwebelievethatsomethingisverywrongwithus,andnoone
willeverloveusorchoosetoconnectwithusoncetheyseeourbrokenness.Sohowdowe
createapathtorecoveryfromanyshamewelearnedwhenweweretoosmalltounderstand
why?
Herearewordstoliveby:theenemyofshameiscuriosity—thesamecuriositywemighthave
beenpunishedforwhenweweretwo.Curiositythatwantstobeplayful,toexplorewhatfeels
good;curiositythatlets us wonder why our tongues gettied andourcheeks burnwhenthe
momentcomestotellapersonwholovesandacceptsuswhat,precisely,wedreamofdoing
withthem.
Sohowcanwegetfromwherewearetowherewewanttobe,freeofallthatworryingand
shame? Use your curiosity to ask, “How did I learn this?” “What did I come to believe about
myselfwhenIwastaughtthattouchingmyself‘downthere’wasshameful?”“WhatdoIbelieve
aboutmyselftoday?”“WhatdoIthinkwouldbeahealthierbelief?”
Perhaps if we give ourselves some comfort and support, perhaps if we remember to offer
comfortandsupportwhensomeonewecareaboutisstuckinthesamesortofway,perhaps
wecancometobelievethatwedeservecomfortandsupport.
Anotherofthegreatvirtuesofcuriosityisthat,insexualexploration,wecanbecomethose
children we once were, delightedly exploring how this feels, how that feels, giggling and
writhing, asking how does my body work, how does your body work? We can unbridle our
curiosity.Getsillywithit.Play.
Dossiethetherapistmaintainsthatinsexwemayfindcomfortandresolutionofourdeepest
fears by giving them a healing injection of the life force in the form of an orgasm. Think of
sexualjoyasaproud,strongmessagethatIam,andweare,onsomeveryprofoundlevel,all
right.
10
BOUNDARIES
Manypeoplebelievethattobeaslutistobeindiscriminate,tonotcareaboutwho
youmakelovewithandthustonotcareaboutyourself.Theybelievethatwelive
inexcessivelywideopenspaces,withnodiscrimination,nofences,noboundaries.
Nothingcouldbefurtherfromthetruth.Tobeanethicalslutyouneedtohave
verygoodboundariesthatareclear,strong,flexible,and,aboveall,conscious.
One very successful slut we interviewed is outraged by accusations of
indiscriminacy,pointingoutthatslutsgetagreatdealofopportunitytodevelop
exquisitelysophisticateddiscrimination:“Weactuallyhavemoreboundariesthan
mostfolksbecausewehavemorepointsofcontact,”moreexperiencerelatingin
verydifferentwaystoverydiversepeople.
“Noonecanownanotherperson.”
WhatAreBoundaries?
It is basic to any relationship, and particularly important in open relationships,
that no one can own another person. Some of us who are kinked that way may
explorekindsofpowerexchangesthatwecall“ownership,”butregardlessofour
relationshipstyle,itisessentialandincontrovertiblethatweeachownourselves—
lock, stock, and barrel. We each have the responsibility of living our own lives,
determining our individual needs, and arranging to get those needs met. We
cannotlivethroughapartner,norcanweassumethatjustbecausewehavealover,
allourneedsshouldautomaticallybesatisfied.Manyofushavebeentaughtthatif
ourloverdoesnotmeeteveryneed,thismustnotbetruelove,ourlovermustbe
somehow inadequate, or we must be at fault—too needy or undeserving or some
othersin.
If you were brought up to believe that your relationship would provide your
other—or(shudder)better—halforthatyourdestinyistosubmergeyouridentity
inarelationship,youwillprobablyhavetoputsomeattentionintolearningabout
your own boundaries. Boundaries are how we understand where I end and you
begin,wherewemeet,andhowweareseparateindividuals.Youneedtofigureout
whereyourlimitsare,whatconstitutescomfortabledistanceorclosenessbetween
yourselfandothersinvarioussituations,andparticularlythewaysinwhichyou
andyourloversareindividualandunique.
“Whenyougraspyouremotions,youhavesomethingunbelievablyvaluableto
bringtoyourrelationships.”
OwningYourChoices
Aswe’vealreadydiscussed,eachpersonownstheirownemotions,andeachperson
isresponsiblefordealingwiththoseemotions.Understandingthisisthefirststep
toclaimingsomethingveryprecious—yourownfeelings.Andwhenyougraspyour
feelings,youhavesomethingunbelievablyvaluabletobringtoyourrelationships.
Whenyoufindyourselfrespondingtosomeoneelse’sbehavior,itcanbeeasyto
dwell onwhatthatpersonhasdoneandhowterribleitisandwhatexactlythey
shoulddotofixit. Instead,trylooking atyour ownfeelingsas amessage about
yourinternalstateofbeing,andthendecidehowyouwanttodealwithwhatever’s
goingon.Doyouwanttofindoutmore?Doyouwanttodiscussalimit?Doyou
wantalittletimetoyourselftocalmdownandgetcentered?Doyouwanttobe
heardaboutsomething?Whenyoutakeresponsibility,yougetthesechoices,and
more.
Whatyouarenotresponsibleforisyourlover’semotions.Youcanchoosetobe
supportive—we’re great believers in the healing power of listening—but it is not
yourjobtofixanything.Onceyouunderstandthatyourlover’semotionsarenot
yourjoboryourfault,youcanlistenandreallyhearwithoutfallingvictimtoan
overwhelmingneedtofigureoutwhosefaultitisortomaketheemotionchange
orgoaway.
Somepeoplehabituallyrespondtoalover’spainandconfusionwithanintense
desire to fix something. Fix-it messages can feel like invalidation to the person
whoistryingtoexpressanemotion.“Whydon’tyoujustdothis…trythat…forget
about it…relax!” sends the message that the person expressing the emotion has
overlookedsome obvious andsimple solution andis anidiotforfeelingbadin
thefirstplace.
Beingresponsibleforyouremotionsdoesn’tmeanthatyouhavetoconquerall
yourdifficultfeelingsbareknuckledandsolo.Youcanaskforthehelpyouneed—
reassurance, validation, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to vent in, a brain to
brainstormwith—fromfriends,lovers,and/oragoodtherapist.Andyou,inturn,
willdoyourbesttomakeyourselfavailablewhenyourfriendsandloversneedthis
kindofhelpfromyou…right?
Learningtooperateyour emotional system consciouslymayrequirechanging
some old habits and can feel very shaky, sort of like learning to ride a bicycle.
You’llprobablyfalldownafewtimes,butifyoupickyourselfupandkeepgoing,
eventually you’ll get the feel of it. And once you get your balance, you’ll never
forget.
RelationshipBoundaries
Relationships also have boundaries. The agreements that free-loving singles,
couples, and families make with respect for each other’s feelings constitute the
boundariesoftheirrelationships.Inanopensexualcommunity,itisimportantto
dealwitheachrelationshipwithinitsownboundaries.Forexample,youfigureout
yourlimitswithyourpartnersbeforeyougotothesexparty,youdon’tuseyour
lover to diss your spouse, and decisions are made with input from everyone
affectedbythemandnotbehindanybody’sback.
Communitiesbasedonsexandintimacyworkbestwheneverybodyhasrespect
for everybody’s relationships, which includes not only lovers but also children,
familiesoforigin,neighbors,exes,andsoon.Wheneveryoneisconsciousofand
caring about boundaries, such communities can evolve into highly connected
familysystems.
“Youcan’tlearnfromyourerrorsifyoualwayshavetoberight.”
Bewillingtolearnfromyourmistakes.Boundariescangettrickyattimes,sowe
hopeyougiveyourselflotsofslacktoexplore.Expecttolearnbytrialanderror,
andhavecompassionforyourselfwhenthingsinevitablydon’tworkouttheway
youhopedtheywould.Remember,youcan’tlearnfromyourerrorsifyoualways
havetoberight!
Dumping
Oneplacewhere peopleoftengetconfusedisdifferentiating between the honest
sharing of feelings and dumping. Dumping means using others as your garbage
pit,spewingyourproblematicstuffalloverthemandleavingit there.Dumping
usually carries the expectation that the dumpee will do something about the
problem,evenifit’ssimplytotakeontheburdenofworryingsothatthedumper
canstop.Usuallyyoucanavoiddumpingbymakingittotallyclearthatyourneed
toshareyouremotionalstatecarriesnoobligationforyourlistener:“Idon’tlike
yourhavingadatewithPaulatonight,”followedbyaheavyandpregnantsilence,
carries an entirely different weight than, “I’m feeling insecure about your date
with Paula tonight, but I want you to go ahead and have it. Are you okay with
listeningtosomeofmyfears?CanwetalkabitaboutwaysthatImightbeableto
feelalittlesafer?”
Projection
Anothertricktowatchoutforisprojection:usinganotherpersonasascreento
runyourmovieon.Youseeyourfantasyandmisstherealperson.Youimagine
youknowthisperson’sthoughts,wheninfactyouarethinkingaboutyourfears.
Maybeyouimaginethattheywillrespondthesamewayyourparentsdid:“Iknow
you’llrejectmeifIdon’tmakealotofmoney,”“You’llneverrespectmeifIshow
youmysadness.”Oryoumightbeprojectingyourexpectations,projectionsthat
yourlovers—whoarenotmindreaders—canneverliveupto:“You’resupposedto
takecareofme!”and“Whaddayamean,you’renothorny?I’mhorny!”
When you make a commitment to own your own emotions, you can stop
projecting them onto people you care about. Then you can be free to see the
people you love clearly, in all their glory. When you find yourself thinking
blameful thoughts about your partner, you might ask yourself: “What do I own
here?”Whatyouseeinsidemightbesomethinglike,“Wow,Isoundjustlikemy
fatherwhenhewasangry”or“IfeelthewayIdidwhenIwaseightandusedto
hideintheclosetwhenIwasupset.”Thenyoumightgotoyourloverandshare
how whatever was going on woke up some old tapes of yours, and you can
brainstormwhatyouwanttodoaboutthat.Wheneachofyouworktogetherto
own your stuff, then your partner can support you in exploring your emotions
and, more important, learn to stop projecting onto you as well. Then you need
neveragainfeellikeapuppetinsomebodyelse’sshow.
RoleBoundaries
Youmayfindyourselfplayingoutdifferentroles,indeed,feelinglikeasomewhat
differentperson withdifferentpartners.Withonepartneryoumightfeel young
andvulnerableandprotected;withanother,youareearthmother.Withonelover
youmightfeelcarefulandsolidandsafe;withanotheryoumightbedashingand
reckless.Theseboundariesmayseemunfamiliarorconfusingwhenwedon’thave
muchexperiencewithlivinginmultiplerelationships.
Janetoncegotawonderfulfeelingofacceptanceforallherpartsataparty:
IenjoygamesinwhichIrole-playthepartofalittlegirl,butmythen-partner
wasn’tcomfortablewiththem.Afterabitofsearching,though,Ifoundwithin
mycircleofacquaintancesamanwhoenjoyedbeinga“daddy”asmuchasI
enjoyedhavingone.MypartnerwasdelightedI’dfoundasafeplacetoplaythat
role,andwebothfeltI’dmadeagoodchoiceinselectingsomeonetowhomI
couldentrustsuchvulnerablepartsofme.“Daddy”andIgottogetheronceor
twiceamonthforfingerpainting,watchingDisneymovies,eatingpeanutbutter
sandwiches,andothersomewhatmoreadultpleasures.
AtonepointIattendedapartywherebothmylifepartnerandmy“daddy”
wereinattendance.Fromacrosstheroom,Isawthetwoofthemchatting,and
Iheadedovertosayhi.AsIdrewcloser,mypartnerheldhisarmoutinvitingly
andcalled,“Hey,hon,comeoverandhangoutwithyourdadandyour
boyfriendforawhile.”Thefeelingofacceptance,andthewarmthofknowing
thetwomenacceptedandhonoredeachother’sroleinmylife,wasamazing.
Oneofthethingspeoplegetoutofmultiplerelationshipsisthechancetobeall
of their various selves. When two people meet, they relate where they intersect,
where they have complementary roles in similar scripts. So by being different
thingswithdifferentlovers,wemightfindourselveshavingdifferentboundaries,
limits,andrelationshipstylesindifferentcircumstances.
Your own internal variety might manifest in many ways. For instance, you
might be calm and centered when Lover A is angry, but Lover B’s irritability is
distressingtoyou—it“pushesyourbuttons,”perhapsremindingyouofapastlover
orapunitiveparent.Hereisanopportunitytotakechargeofyourbuttons.When
yourbuttonsareyourown,itbecomesmucheasiertofigureoutwhatyourlimits
needtobewithLoverBandtounderstandthattheymaybealtogetherdifferent
fromyourlimitswithLoverA.
Forgetabout fairness.Ethicalsluttery does notmeanthatallthings comeout
equal. Different relationships have different boundaries, different limits, and
different potentials. So if your lover has found someone that they can share a
certainactivitywith,andyouwouldlikeyourlovertosharethatwithyoutoo,the
questionisnot,“Whydon’tyoudothatwithme?”but“Thatsoundsinteresting;
howdoyousupposewecouldmakethatworkforus?”
Thisishowonewomanweinterviewedputit:
Myopensexuallifestylegivesmepersonalfreedom,independence,and
responsibilityinawaythatbeinganexclusivecoupledoesn’t.BecauseI’m
responsible,everyday,formyneedsbeingmet(ornot),andforcreatingand
maintainingtherelationshipsinmylife,Icantakenothingforgranted.Every
personImeethasthepotentialforwhateveritisthat’srightbetweenmeand
thatperson,regardlessofhowmyrelationshipsarewithanybodyelse.Andso
thislifestylegivesmeaveryconcretefeelingofindividualitythatIre-createevery
day.Ifeelmorelikeagrown-up,adult,responsiblepersonwhenIknowthatmy
life,allofit—whoIfuck,whoIrelateto,howIrelatetothem—isallmychoice.I
promisedmypartnerthatIwouldsharemylifewithhim,andthatimpliestome
thatIhavealifetoshare—acompletelife.Andit’scleartomethathe’shere
becausehewantstobehere,wherever“here”is.Wearewitheachother,every
day,becausewereallywanttobe.
OnAsexuality
The Asexual Visibility and Education Network defines an asexual as “someone who does not
experiencesexualattraction.”Aparallelidentityisthe“aromantic,”whomayormaynotalsobe
asexual but does not relate to people romantically. There are many gradations of both
asexuality and aromanticism: people speak of “graysexuals,” who are somewhere between
asexual and sexual; “demisexuals,” who feel sexual only toward people they love; and many
others (with parallel categories available to the aromantic). We can’t possibly list all the
categories of asexuality and aromanticism here, but we encourage you to seek out more
informationabouttheseorientations ifthey’re unfamiliartoyou—many peopleare startledto
findinthemselvessomekinshipwithatleastsomeasexual/aromanticidentities.
Likeallsexualorientations,asexualityandaromanticismmaybefluid,evolvingasanygiven
individualgrowsandchanges.Ortheymaystaystablefromearliestself-awarenessonward.
Manyasexualsandaromanticsfindsluthoodagoodfit,astheycanconnectwithpartnersin
thewaysthatworkforthem,whilethepartnerscanseekwaysofconnectingwithothersthat
theasexualand/oraromanticpartnerisnotinterestedinsharing.
Janet has attended some asexuality panels and workshops and has been amazed by how
many talking points they had in common with ethical sluthood, including the idea that
connectioncanbemadeinallsortsofways,genitalandnongenital,andthathavinggenitalsex
doesnotmakearelationshipsomehowmore“real.”
11
THEUNETHICALSLUT
Some people treat sex as a big-game hunt—trying to conquer the unwilling and
unwitting victim, as though the object of their attention would never decide to
sharesexwiththemunlesstrickedintoit.Believingthatapersonwouldhaveto
be a fool to make love with you is often, we observe, a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Usingsextoshoreupsaggingself-esteembystealingsomeoneelse’sdoesnotwork
tobuildasolidsenseofself-worth,andthisthiefoflovewillhavetogoonstealing
moreandmorewithouteverfeelingfulfilled.
Such people often approach open sexual lifestyles as if keeping score. Set
collectorsandtrophyfuckerstreattheirpartnerslikeprizesinacontesttheyhave
setouttowin.
Theconceptofset collectorsmaybenewtoyou,butweassureyou thatsuch
people exist. A friend of ours once discovered that a would-be lover of hers had
alreadyhadsexwithhermotherandhersisterandwashopingtocompletetheset.
Sex that means treating your partners as collectibles does not meet our
requirementsformutualrespect.
Somepeopleapproach“scoring”asifallpeoplecanberankedonahierarchy
from the most to the least desirable and the way to make the most points and
assureyourselfofahighrankistocollectpartnersashighuptheladderasyoucan
reach. People gain in rank and value in these hierarchies by being thin, young,
cute,gym-toned,wealthy,and/orofhighsocialstatus.
Wedonotbelievethatloveisagamethatyoucanwinbyscoringhighona
hierarchyofshallowvalues.Weknowfromextensiveexperiencethatappearance
andwealtharenotpredictorsofgoodloving.Wetrytoavoidrankingpeopleas
betterorworsethaneachotherandareunhappywiththosewhowanttorelateto
ourrankmorethanourselves.Hierarchiesproducevictimsonthetopaswellas
thebottom,becauseitisalmostasalienatingtobeapproachedbytoomanypeople
forthewrongreasonsasitistobeapproachedbynobodyatall.
Somewhohaveahistoryofnonconsensualnonmonogamymaygetattachedto
thesenseofsecrecy,ofgettingawaywithsomething.Thesefolksmayhaveavery
hard time adapting to the idea of consensual sluthood—they’re so used to
concealingtheiractivitiesfromtheirpartnersthattheymayevenhavebuiltthat
furtivefeelingintotheireroticlife,hookedontheadrenalinerushtheygetfrom
forbiddenfruit.Ittakesaprettysubstantialleapoffaith,andmaybesomecreative
fantasizingandrole-playing,forsuchindividualstoopenuptheirhiddenplaces
andexperiencethegreaterjoythatcancomefromknowingthatnobodyisgetting
hurtbytheirfun.
Peoplewhorefusetolearntousebarriersthatgetbetweenpeopleandvirusesare
notethicalsluts.Theyare,quitesimply,playingdirtywhentheyarguewithlovers
about allowing potentially infectious sex, insisting on sex without barriers, or
attemptingtosneakaroundalover’slimitsaboutsafersex.Refusingtodealwith
therealitiesofvirusesandbacteriabecauseofembarrassmentisalsounethical:a
goodslutspeaksthetruthevenifblushingfuriously.
Ethical sluts do not make promises they can’t keep. If you are attracted to
someonewhoislookingforalifepartnershipandwhatyouwantisalighthearted
affair(orviceversa),youneedtobehonestaboutthat,evenifthatmeanssaying,
“No, thank you” to sex until your feelings for each other are more on a par.
Mistakes can easily be made—sometimes accidentally and sometimes when we
shouldhavepredictedthatsomeonewouldgethurt.
We have both made such mistakes. Now, your older and wiser authors have
discovered a couple of limits of our own: we do not share sex with anyone that
we’renotatleastpotentiallyinterestedinsharingsexwithagain,andwebelieve
that anything worth doing is worth waiting for until the time is right. One
hallmarkofaskillfulslutistolearnfromone’smistakesandkeepgoing.Dossie
madesuchamistakewhenshewasveryyoungandstupid:
Mylong-termrelationshiphadjustbrokenupandIwasprettybrokenupabout
itmyself.IwentouttothecoffeeshopinGreenwichVillageandsawmyrecent
exinearnestconversationwithacuteyoungthingwhowasnotme.Ifelt
horriblybetrayed,lost,andworthless.Justthen,ayoungmanwhohadbeen
attractedtome,andforwhomIhadnoseriousfeelings,cameuptospeakto
me.Itsomehowseemedappropriatetogohomewithhimandlethimsoothe
myruffledfeathers,butIregretteditthenextdaywhenIfoundmyselfhurting
hisfeelingsandleavinghiminthelurch.Tofurtheraggravatemyguilt,itturned
outthatwhatmyexwasdoingwiththatsweetgirlwasbeatinghisbosom
abouthowhorriblehefeltaboutbreakingupwithme—wewoundupgetting
backtogether.IhavealwaysfeltthatItookadvantageoftheyoungmanwho
offeredmehisaffection,whichIthoughtlesslytookandthengaverightbackto
him.ItwouldhavebeenkinderhadIjustsaidno.
Andthatbringsustorevengefucking.Itistrulynastytoarrangetohavesex
with one person to get back at another. To arouse one person’s insecurities,
jealousy,andotherpainfulfeelingsonpurposeisdishonorable,andtouseanother
personasapuppetinyourplay isdisrespectfulandoftendownrightabusive.In
psychopathology,being“antisocial”isdefinedasbehavingwithflagrantdisregard
for the rights, and we would add the feelings, of others. We prefer to relate to
sociablepeople.
Whatdoyoudowhensomeoneinyourintimatecircleisnotplayinghonestly?
It helps if the people in your extended family have ways to talk about what is
goingon,toshareexperiencesandfeelings.Ifeveryoneistooashamedtoadmitto
havingbeenmisusedbysomeonewithanuntrustworthyhiddenagenda,thenno
onewillhavetheinformationtheyneedtoprotectthemselves.Thereisnoshame
in having believed someone’s lies, and most of us at some time or other have
givenourtrusttosomeonewhoturnedoutnottobeworthyofit.Itispossibleto
foolanhonestperson,butwehopeyouhaveenoughhumilitytolearnfromyour
mistakesandnotgetfooledtwice.
All these difficult scripts are about somebody not being honest and are also
aboutsomebody having sexwhileavoiding intimacyandemotional connection.
When you are not telling the truth, you cannot be present; when you are not
present,youcan’tbeconnectedtoanyoneelse;andwhenyouarenotconnected,
howcanyoufeelanythingatall?
Bytreatingloversaspeopleandlettingrelationshipstaketheshapestheywant
insteadoftheformsforcedonthembytheculturearoundthem,ethicalslutscan
formrelationshipsthatlast.
12
FLIRTINGANDCRUISING
Flirtingandcruisingareskillsthatyoucanlearn,eventhoughfewpeopledevelop
themovernight.
Isthereadifferencebetweenflirtingandcruising?Thedistinctionisnotclear
cut.Somepeoplethinkof“flirting”aswhatyoudoinenvironmentsthatarenot
eroticallyorientedand“cruising”aswhatyoudoinclubs,conferences,bars,and
otherplaceswherepeopleoftenseeksexpartners.Oryoumightseeflirtingasa
moreintroductorymaneuverandcruisingaswhatyoudowhenyouknowforsure
thatyou’reinterested.Bothinvolveanexchangeofsexualenergyintheformof
eyecontact,bodylanguage,smilesandwarmth,andlittleflashesoferoticenergy
thatcanbesharedlongbeforeanyphysicalcontactwouldbeappropriate.
Genderrolescancomplicatebothflirtingandcruising.Peopleraisedasmenin
thisculturearetaughttopush,insist,nevertakenoforananswer;thoseraisedas
women are taught to be coy, duck and dodge, never offer an outright yes. The
morepolarizedwegetinthissillyequation,thefurtherwepushoneanotheraway
—withresultsthatrangefromhurtfeelingstodaterape.
“When all genders feel free to answer yes or no, a truer understanding and a
morepositivesexualitybecomepossible.”
Thegoodnews,though,isthatbothsetsofbehaviorscanbeunlearned.When
allgendersfeelfreetoansweryes ornowithnoconcernforanythingbuttheir
owndesires,atruerunderstandingandamorepositivesexualitybecomepossible.
SayingYes,SayingNo
Sexualsophisticatestendtogiveeachotheralotofcreditforknowingwhatthey
want.Withthisassumption,itbecomeseasierforyourpotentialpartnerstomake
very direct proposals that might seem outrageous in any other context; that’s
becausethey trustyou tosay noifyou’re notinterested.It is nobody’staskbut
your own to figure out what you want, and nobody can or should second-guess
you.Soyouaregoingtohavetolearntosaynoandtosaynoeasilyenoughthat
havingtoturndownacoupleofunwelcomecome-onswon’truinyourevening.
Mostpeoplehavetroublewith“no”—manymenaretaughtthattheyarealways
supposedtobeeagerforsex,soifsomeonecomesontothemwhentheyarenot
readyornotinterested,itcanfeelunmanlyandwrongtosayno.
Thetricktoacomfortable“no”istostructureitinsuchawaythatit’sabout
you,notaboutthem.Soinsteadof,“Withyou?Areyououtofyourmind?”you’re
saying, “No, thanks. You seem nice but I’m not feeling much connection with
you”or“No,thanks.I’mnotreallylookingforloversrightnow”or“No,thanks.I
prefertogettoknowpeoplealotbetterbeforeIdoanythinglikethatwiththem.”
Important note: the “thanks” should be sincere. Being asked, even by someone
youdon’tfindattractive,isacomplimentanddeservesathank-you.Ifyouthink
someoneisridiculousforfindingyouattractive,weworryaboutyourself-esteem.
Many women have been taught that it is unfeminine to say no directly. Ask
yourself:Whenwasthelasttimeyousaidnotosex?Howdidyoudoit?Wasit
with a polite and friendly but unmistakable “No, thanks”? Or was it with “Not
tonight;I’vegotaheadache”or“Maybeanothertime”or“I’llthinkaboutit”?We
strongly suggest you work out a “No, thanks” that feels comfortable to you;
expecting the interested party to read your mind and somehow know that your
“maybe…”means“no”isneitherethicalnorslutty.
We also need to practice saying yes. Our cultural myth is that the man in a
heterosexualinteractionpleadswithorconsorbulliesthewomanintosayingyes,
or at least refraining from saying no, and then does whatever he thinks is
appropriate.Female-identifiedpeopleneedtoequalize,todomoreofthechoosing,
toknowwhatitisthatyouenjoyandtobeabletosayclearlywhatyouwantto
whomever you find attractive. And if you are a male-identified person whose
programmingismoreaboutwhatyouthinkyouaresupposedtowantthanwhat
youactuallywant,thenyouneedtolearntosayyestoyourrealdesireswhenthey
appearonyourdoorstep.
Onceyou’vegottencomfortablewith“no,”“yes”isusuallyeasier.Tryit,inall
itsvariations:“Yes,please.”“Yes,when?”“Yes,butIhavesomelimitsIwanttotell
you about first.” “Yes, but I need you to talk to my partner first.” “Yes, but not
tonight;howdoesnextTuesdaylookforyou?”“Hell,yes!”
“Onceyou’vegottencomfortablewith‘no,’‘yes’isusuallyeasier.”
TheFineArtofFlirting
Everybodyisbornknowinghowtoflirt,andifyoudoubtit,watchthewayababy
ortoddlerinteractswithnearbyadults:lotsofeyecontact,smiles,maybeachortle
ofwelcome,andtheofferofabelovedtoy(whichmust,accordingtotherules,be
handedbackafterdueadmiration,justlikeadulttoys).
Mostofus,though,losethispreciousabilitybythetimewe’regrown-upsand
need to learn it all again from scratch. Your authors believe that great flirting
shouldbeanendinitselfratherthanameanstoanend.Practiceflirtingforfun
andmaybeputaside,forthemoment,anyspecificgoalsaboutgettinglaid.Focus
on getting good connection. Watch the way many gay men flirt with straight
women—friendly flattery, lighthearted innuendo, nonthreatening intimacy, all
madepossiblebytherealizationthattheinteractionisintendedsimplyformutual
pleasure,notinthehopesofaquickdashtothenearestbedroom.
We suggest, then, that you learn to flirt simply by practicing. The sort of
behavioryoumayassociatewiththewordflirting(“Hey,baby,what’syoursign?”)
isnotthesortofthingwe’retalkingaboutandis,infact,itsexactopposite.Great
flirtingisaboutseeing;hungertobeseenisanaturalhumanemotion,andwhen
youshowpeoplethatyou’reseeingthem,it’snaturalforthemtostartseeingyou.
A lot of flirting is nonverbal. There’s a way of holding eye contact for just a
momentlongerthanusual—morethanapassingglance,lessthananoutrightstare
—thatletsapersonknowthatyoufindthemworthlookingat.Turnyourbodyso
thatyou’refacing theobjectof yourinterestandstayphysicallyopen,armsand
legsuncrossed.Smile.
Ifyourflirtingproceedstowords,wesuggestasincere,personal,butnonsexual
complimenttostart.Isthepersonnexttoyouontheparkbenchleadingapoodle
that’ssportingafreshhaircut?Didyouhearthroughthegrapevinethatyournext-
doorneighborjustgotanicepromotionatwork?Asincerecomplimentonanyof
theseisawayofsaying,“I’mpayingattentiontoyou;you’renotjustafaceinthe
crowdtome.”Thisapproachmaynotseemlikeflirtingtoyou,buttrustus,it’sa
greatfirststep.Commentingonphysicalappearance,particularlyinasexualway
(“Those pants make your ass look great!”) is not what we’re talking about. Your
goal is to make your friend feel fully seen, not reduced to an agglomeration of
bodyparts.
Watchforfeedback.Ifwewereflirtingwithyouandyouturnedyourfaceaway
fromus,tookastepback,orcrossedyourarms,we’dknowyouweren’tinterested
in connectingandwe’dmove ongracefully.We wouldn’tlike itanybetter than
anyoneelsedoes,butwe’ddoourbestnottofeelrejected—youdon’tknowusand
don’tknow whatyou’re missing outon.Besides,for allweknow,you’re onthe
waytoadatewithsomeoneyoualreadyknowandaresimplynotavailableatthat
moment.
Oneofthemostsuccessfulflirtsweknowsayshehasanever-failopeningline:
“Hi, I’m Mike.” From there, he and the object of his attention can proceed
wherevertheirintereststakethem:theweatherorscenery,theirwork,theirkidsor
pets,thesorrystateoftheworldtoday,theirfavoritefoods,whatever.Thisstageof
flirtingisexploration,gettingtoknowthiswonderfulnewperson,discoveringthe
waysinwhichyou’resimilarandthewaysinwhichyou’redifferent,seeinghow
youmightconnect.Thesexypartofthisisintheenergy—theflashofasmile,a
brightnessin the eye.You usually can tellwhen you’re talking andwhen you’re
flirting—it’stheenergy.
We recognize that if you are shy or have been taught that nice girls or boys
don’tflirtorareaccustomedtoamorepredatorystyleofflirting,allthiscanbe
difficulttolearn.Wewishwehadamagicflirtingwandthatwecouldwaveatyou,
but since we don’t, you’re just going to have to practice. A willing friend,
preferablyofthegender(ifnottheorientation)thatyounormallyflirtwith,can
help:pretendthatyou’remeetingforthefirsttimeandtryflirting.Thefriendcan
give you feedback about whether you’re coming on too weak or too strong and
help you refine your skills. When you start enjoying flirting in and of itself,
withoutthinkingaboutwhereitmightlead,you’llknowyou’reontherighttrack.
“Wewishwehadamagicflirtingwandthatwecouldwaveatyou,butsincewe
don’t,you’rejustgoingtohavetopractice.”
ComingOutSlutty
Unless you’re doing your cruising in exclusively poly environments, it is
reasonabletoexpectthattheobjectofyourattentionsmaynot(yet)havereadthis
bookandmaynotbefamiliarwithsluttylifestyles.Atsomepoint,therefore,you
are going to have to get it out there that monogamy is probably not on your
personalmenuofoptions.
Wecan’ttellyouexactlywhenorhowtodothis,exceptthatwevoteforsooner
ratherthanlater.Ifbothofyouarejustlookingforaquickflingorapartyscene,
itmaynotbenecessarytodiscusssuchmattersatall.However,iftheflingleadsto
aseconddate,thatmaybetherighttimetoletyournewfriendknowthatyou’re
notinterestedingoingsteady,noworever.
Working this into a normal conversation about software or surfing can be a
littletricky,weknow.Aquickreferencetoyourpartners,emphasisontheplural,
oftendoesthetrick.Youcanstartadiscussionofrelationshipsingeneraltoget
spacetoexpressyourownopinionsanddesires.Oryoucanleavethisbookouton
yourcoffeetablewhentheycomeoverforadrink.
Itmayhappenthattheobjectofyourattentionisadevotedmonogamistand
thatyounonethelessfindthispersonextremelyattractive.Wehavesomewordsof
adviceforpolyfolkwhofallinlovewithmonogamistsinchapter20,“Couplesand
Groups.”
CruisingChallenges
Ifyou’restandinginthecornerofaroomfulofpeople,feelinglikeyou’retheonly
onetherewhoisn’tpartofahappygroupandlikeyou’renevergoingtobeableto
connect again for the rest of your life, we suggest finding someone else who’s
standinginacornerandstartingaconversation.Janet’sfavoriteopeninglinefor
thesesituationsis,“Hi,Idon’tknowasoulhere;canIstandhereandtalktoyou
forawhile?”
Beyondthatsimpleopening,whichgetseasierwithpractice,cruisingstrategies
dependalotonyourowngenderandthegender(s)ofthepeopleyou’reseeking.
FORMEN
Menwhodesiremenhavetheirownstyleofcruising,markedbyastraightforward
approach basedonthe understanding thatmost gay andbi men areable tosay,
“No,thankyou”withoutmuchdiscomfort.Withouttheuncomfortablethreatof
being physically overpowered that pervades man-on-woman cruising, and free of
anyrequirementsbeyondfollowingtheirowndesires,thesemenoftenareableto
cruiseeachotherwithgreaterrelianceonbodylanguageandnonverbalcuesthan
their heterosexual brothers, confident that if body language is not understood,
theywillusetheirwords.
Hetero men have different challenges. Few women like to be pushed,
overwhelmed,ornotlistenedtointhearenasofsexandintimacy.Mostwomen
are particularly offended by men who push too hard for private get-togethers or
phonenumbers,whoinsistentlymovetheconversationbacktosexualtopicswhen
the woman has tried several times to change the subject, or who touch them,
particularly in a sexual, paternalistic, or covert way, without permission. Sneaky
come-onsareapain;itworksbettertosimplyask,andifyouheara“no,”don’t
argue.
Many a man has made the mistake of approaching a woman in the way he
thinkshewouldliketobeapproachedifhewereawoman.Ifyou’renotsureif
women find your approach too heavy-handed, imagine being approached by a
large, strong man using your exact technique and ask yourself how that feels.
Successfulmalecruisersremainsensitivetoverbalandnonverbalcues,conveying
friendly interest and appreciation for the fascinating human being in front of
them.
FORWOMEN
Many women, of all orientations, can benefit greatly from learning to be more
assertive in asking for what they want, both during the meeting process and
afterward.Ifyou’reusedtosippingyourdrinkandwaitingforsomeonetomakea
moveon you,initiatingcontactyourselfmayseemterribly awkward, pushy—yes,
even slutty—at first. It’s also scary as hell to risk rejection like that. It does get
easier…particularlyifyoudogetrejectedatimeortwoandgetachancetofindout
thatitisn’ttheendofthe world.Afterall,we’renotasking youtodoanything
thatmenhaven’tbeendoingforcenturies,andyou’lldiscover,astheyhave,the
manyjoysofaskingforwhatyouwantandgettingit.
FORTRANSANDNONBINARYPEOPLE
The big question in flirting and cruising, if you’re someone whose parts don’t
match up to their gender presentation or whose gender presentation doesn’t
match up to cultural norms, is usually, “How much do they know?” For this
reason, many of our friends who live outside gender norms prefer to do their
cruising online, where they can make sure the object of their attention is
interested in someone like them before investing their hope, time, and
occasionallypersonalsafety in anewpersonwhomayor maynotbe aware that
genderisalotmorecomplicatedthantheireighth-gradehealthteachersaid.
On the other hand, as one trans woman we interviewed pointed out, “Even
whenyou’recruisinginperson,it’sworthkeepinginmindthatlotsofpeoplehave
things they need to disclose before things start getting hot and heavy—health
issues,havingapartnerathome,sexualorpersonallimits,andsoon.”Somaybe
youcanthinkofthatthinginsideyourundies,thatmayormaynotbeasurprise,
assimplyanotherissuethatyouneedtotalkaboutbeforethesmoochingbegins.
Manyofourtransfriendsrecallbeingthecatalystforsomeone’sreexamination
of theirassumptions abouttheirsexualidentity:one spokeofbeing atagender
conference with a woman who had always identified as a lesbian and who was
startled to find herself drawn to trans men, trans women, and individuals who
didn’tfiteasilyintoanygendercategory.Theyalsonotethatmanyofthepeople
theymeetareunawareofthefinerpointsofcontemporarygendertheory.“Atfirst,
Igotangrywhenpeopledidn’tunderstandmyplaceonthegenderspectrum,”one
transmannoted.“Butafterawhile,Igotbetteratbeingabletotellthedifference
betweenapersonwhowashostileormaliciousandonewhosimplydidn’tknow
and was doing their best.” This man went on to say that he’d actually come to
enjoygentlyeducatingpotentialsweetiesaboutwhatitwasliketoliveinsidehis
skin.
Whether or not you want to do some educating along with your flirting, we
thinkitmakessensetodecidehowstronglyyouwanttodrawthoseboundaries—
nobodywantstodoalltheirflirtingwithinasmallgroupofalreadylike-minded
people, but nobody wants to spend all their flirting time teaching Gender 101,
either.Figureoutabalancethatworksforyouandbepreparedtohaveitshiftas
yourdesiresandabilitieschangethroughtheyears.
FORCOUPLESANDGROUPS
Sometimes couples, or an established group of lovers, may be cruising for
somebody,orsomebodies,newtoplaywithinathree-or-more-way.Cruisingasa
group has its advantages—if you strike out, you still have someone to go home
with.However,manycruiseesarenotusedtotheideaofopenlynonmonogamous
relationships and may get a little freaked out when you come on to them with,
“Hi,Ifindyouveryattractiveandsodomypartners.”Bereassuredthatyouwill
alsofindmanylovelypeoplewhoactuallypreferthesafetyandbuilt-inboundaries
ofgettingitonwithone,both,orallmembersofanestablishedpartnership.
Somegroupscruise togetherforsomeonetoplay withinathree-or-more-way,
while others cruise individually for partners who want to play with one or the
other of them.When you’re partneredbut cruising solo,pleasedoremember to
mentiontoyourcruiseethatyouhaveapartnerorpartnersathome.Somepeople
willbedelightedtoreceivethisnewsandotherswillnot,butfulldisclosureisthe
ethicalpartofethicalsluthood.
If you plan to go home with your partners when it comes time to leave the
party, it is courteous to make sure your other beloveds know this in advance.
Reassure new contacts by exchanging contact information and, if appropriate,
choosing a place and time to get together in the future, like “May I call you
tomorrowmorning?”or“Wouldyouliketomeetforcoffeeafterwork?”
Whether you cruise individually or with others, you need to work out your
agreementsbeforehand.Whoisinterestedindoingwhattowhom?Where?When?
If one of you is looking for someone to hit the mattress with right there that
nightandtheotherwantssomethingpermanent(“Theyfollowedmehome!CanI
keepthem?Please?”),youmaybeheadedforamajormisunderstanding.
Eachmemberofapartnershipmusthavetherequisitesocialskills.Depending
on a partner to do all the work of introductions, conversation, flirtation, and
negotiation is bad for you and bad for them. It may also lead to
misunderstandings,becausefewpartnersareskilledenoughcommunicatorstoget
acrossallyourneeds,interests,andpersonalitytraits.
Apetpeeveofmanyslutsistheindividualwhotreatsoneormoreofthepeople
involvedinadisrespectfulorobjectifyingmanner.Oneexampleisthecouplethat
sendsaninnocent-lookingwomanoutasbait,andyoumaybestartled,whenyou
bite,todiscoverher spousejoiningthe party.Janetremembersonce,in a group
sexenvironment,beinginvitedbyamantohelpstimulatehisfemalepartner.As
she happily joinedthe group,shenoticedthatthe manimmediately shiftedhis
focus from his girlfriend to her —ignoring the hapless girlfriend as he grabbed
Janet’sbreasts.Needlesstosay,Janetexcusedherselfimmediatelyfromthiscreepy-
feelingscene.
Itisdisrespectfultotreatthethirdpartyassomesortofoversizedmaritalaid.
Manybisexualwomenweknowareexasperatedwhencouplesseekthemoutasa
“hotbibabe,”lookingforsomeonethattheycanslotintoapredefinedroleaspart
of their lovemaking and/or their household. Poly people often refer to such a
womanasa“unicorn,”becausetheyarerareandpossiblymythical.Theiranalog,
thebisexualmanwhoisexpectedtofulfilltheneedsofanotherwiseheterocouple,
issometimescalleda“pegasus.”
Thefundamentalruleforcruisingasacoupleorgroup,orbeingcruisedby a
coupleorgroup,isrespectforthefeelingsandrelationshipsofallconcerned.You
don’twanttocruisesomeonewhowilltrytostealyou oryourpartnerfortheir
own,andyourcruiseedoesn’twanttobeused,deceived,ormistreated.
Dossiewasonceoutonadatewithalongtimeloverofherswhenshenoticed
anattractivepersontryingtocatchhereyebehindherdate’sback.Sheexplained
thesituationtoherdate,whohadastrokeofgenius.Hestrodeovertotheyoung
manin questionandwithgreatdignityannounced,“Mylady wouldlikeyouto
have her phone number.” The young man looked terrified at the time, but he
calledthenextmorning.Dossiehasmadeuseofthisstrategyrepeatedlysincethen
andrecommendsithighly:theyalwayscall!
When you treateverybodyinvolvedwith respect,affection,and intimacy,you
canreapvery specialrewards—anything from awarmhappy fling toalong-term
multipersonrelationship.
FOREVERYONE
Thebest,mostsuccessful,andleastobnoxiouscruisersweknow,ofallgendersand
orientations,arefriendly,curiousfolkswholikemostpeopleandareinterestedin
talking to everyone. If some of the people they talk to turn into potential
relationships,somuchthebetter.
Whenyoufindyourselfworryingabouthowyouareseenbyothers,remember
thatthereisnopointinpretendingyouareanyoneexceptwhoyouare.Itdoes
younogoodtoattractsomeonewhothinksyouaresomebodyelse:allyougetis
someonewhoisexcitedaboutsomebodywhoisn’tyou.Whenyouarehonest,you
attractthepeoplewhoareinterestedinyou,justasyoumostwonderfullyare.
PolyPioneers:“ABouquetofLovers”andtheZell-
RavenheartFamily
Possibly the very first how-to guide for contemporary polyamorists was written more than a
quarter century ago. Its author had been a practicing polyamorist for almost twenty years
beforebeingmovedtosetforthherbasicprinciples.
ABouquetofLovers:StrategiesforResponsibleOpenRelationships,writtenbyMorningGlory
Zell-Ravenheart in 1990, offered some solid guidelines for relationships of the
primary/secondarymodel—guidelinesthatwillsoundfamiliartoreadersofthisbooktoday.
And,likethisbook,itscreatorandoriginalpublisherdiscoveredtheirvaluesduringtheFree
Loveera.Twoyoungseekersmetataneopaganconferencein1973.TheformerDianaMoore
and the former Timothy Zell would be together—as radicals, lovers, and elders of a
polyamorousfamilythathaslasted,invariousforms,foralmostfiftyyears—untilDiana,better
knownasMorningGloryZell-Ravenheart,diedin2014.
Togetherwithlike-mindedlovers,theZell-RavenheartsfoundedtheChurchofAllWorlds,a
neopagan and poly institution loosely based on the church described in Robert Heinlein’s
immenselypopularsciencefictionnovelStrangerinaStrangeLand.Oberon(formerlyTimothy)
Zell-RavenheartpublishesGreenEggMagazine,aneopaganpublicationfoundedin1968and
stillpublishedonline,inwhichABouquetofLoversfirstappeared.
Oberon and the remainder of the family continue to live together in two big houses in
SonomaCounty,California.
13
KEEPINGSEXSAFE
Thetermsafesex,lateramendedtosafersex,wascoinedtotalkabouthowwecan
design sex to minimize the risk of HIV transmission…but sex has never been
altogether safe. It’s been only a few decades since more reliable birth control
becameavailable,andonlyafewbeforethatsinceantibioticsbegancuringillness,
insanity, and death caused by sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) like syphilis
andgonorrhea.Herpesisstillincurable,andwestillhaveonlylimitedanswersto
cervical cancer from human papilloma virus. No matter what your orientation,
yourpractices,oryourriskfactors,intoday’senvironment,carelesssexcankill—
whichmeansthatyouhavetoprotectyourselfandyourpartners.
Given that sex is never completely safe, ethical sluts put time, effort, and
commitment into getting as much sex as they want at the least risk possible.
Dedicated sluts have developed a plethora of risk-reduction strategies that can
minimize the chances of infection and/or unwanted pregnancy, including
barriers, vaccines, and medications that can prevent some diseases from being
transferredduringsex.
“Given that sex is never completely safe, ethical sluts put time, effort, and
commitmentintogettingasmuchsexastheywantattheleastriskpossible.”
Pleaseresearchthesafer-sexprotocolsthatapplytoyourlifeandplantoprotect
yourself and your lover from HIV, herpes, hepatitis, gonorrhea, syphilis,
chlamydia,shigella,humanpapillomavirus,cervicalcancer,unwantedpregnancy,
andahostofothernasties.Medicalresearchandrecommendationsarebeyondthe
scope of this volume, but the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
(www.cdc.gov)maintainsawebsitewithup-to-dateinformationonsafersex,asdo
manyfeministandLGBTQorganizations.
We don’t think you need to cover every portion of your anatomy with latex
beforeyoutouchanotherhumanbeing.Thegoalformostofusisriskreduction,
sortoflikedefensivedriving.Yes,adrunkcouldkillyouatanytimewhileyouare
cruisingdownthehighway,andmostofustakeourbestshotatsafetyandgoon
driving.Therearewaystohavehotsatisfyingsex withoutperformingtheerotic
equivalentofskydivingwithafaultyparachute.Herearesomethatwe,andsluts
weknow,haveusedsuccessfully.
Barriers:TheRubber(orNitrileorPolyurethane
or…)Fence
Utterlybasic technique:Put something impenetrablebetween youandthe virus.
Today,manypeopledecidetofollowtheirsexualurgestofar-outplacesbybeing
scrupulousabouttheuseofbarriers.Wehopeyoudon’tneedustoexplainthisto
you at this point in history, but careful use of barriers includes condoms for
vaginal sex, anal sex, and fellatio; gloves for masturbation of a male or female
partner or for insertion of fingers or hands into vaginas or anuses; and dental
damsorplasticwrapforcunnilingusoranalingus.
Glovesorcondomsmakeiteasytokeepanysextoythatwillbeusedbymore
than one person nice and clean and bug-free. Clean your toys thoroughly after
eachuse,sterilizeifyoucan,andletthemrest,cleananddry(mostofthebadbugs
cannotlivelongwithoutmoisture).Iftherearetoysthatyoureallywanttouseon
morethanonepersonwithinthesamelittlebitoftimeandthatcan’tbecovered
withabarrier,wesuggestyoubuytwoormoreofthem.
Theuseofagoodwater-basedlubricantcandowonderstomakebarrier-using
sexmorepleasurableforbothorallpartners.Fortipsonhowtousebarriersina
pleasure-enhancingmanner,checkoutchapter23,“SexandPleasure,”andsomeof
thebooksinFurtherReading.Andifyou’renotcompletelycomfortableusingany
ofthesebarriers,practice!
Penis owners can masturbate with a condom until it becomes easy. We have
heardofonededicatedfellowwhomanagedtoputoneighteencondomsatonce—
hesaidthetightsqueezefeltreallygood.Andwhynotgetalittleplayfulwithyour
rubber?Femalecondomsrequiresomepracticetoplaceproperlyoverthecervix,
sobepreparedtouseupafew—preferablybeforeyouhaveapartnersittingthere
twiddlingtheirthumbs,waitingforyoutofigureitout—asyouacquiretheskill.
If you are inexperienced with condoms and plastic wrap, give yourself some
spacetolearn.Getplayful,spillsomelube,androllaroundinit;inventcreative
ways to wrap body parts in plastic wrap and then find out what interesting new
things you can feel. Plastic wrap doubles nicely as a risk-reduction barrier and a
bondage toy, and it comes in colors. Explore the taste and feel of your safer-sex
equipment,andchecklubricantsontenderplacesforallergicreactions—notfunto
discoverwhenyouareallexcitedthatititchesinsideandyouhavetogowashthat
stuffoutrightnow.Payattentiontothesensualqualities:finelatexiswonderfully
silky,andthebestlubricantsfeellikeliquidvelvet.
Wewantyoutohavefunandmakewisechoices:weneedallthereaderswecan
get,sowedon’twanttoloseyou.
EXERCISE:PRACTICEMAKESPERFECT
Forpenisowners:Committomasturbatingwithacondomatleast
onceeverythreeor four times you masturbateuntil youfeellike
youhavethatskilldownperfectly.
For anyone who has sex with penises: Buy a large box of
condoms—thecheapkindareokay forthis—and practice putting
them on bananas, cucumbers, or dildos, in as sexy a way as you
can…first with your hand and then with your mouth. Use up the
wholebox.
Foreveryone:Makealistofwaysyoucangetoffwithlittleorno
riskoffluidtransmission.
FluidBonding
One popular safer-sex strategy used by some couples and small groups is called
fluidbondingorfluidmonogamy.Theprimarycoupleorgroupagreesthattheyare
safe to play with each other with no barriers, and that they will use condoms,
dams,and/orglovesveryconscientiouslywithalltheirotherpartners.Bothofus
have made such agreements with life partners. To do this kind of agreement,
partnersgetthoroughlytestedforHIVandotherdiseases.Youmighthavetowait
six months to be sure, because HIV antibodies don’t reliably show up in the
bloodstream for some months after an individual is infected. Once you’re sure
everyone’shealthy,you’refreetopracticeunprotectedsexwithoneanotherandto
usebarrierswithyourotherlovers.Besureyou’reinclearagreementaboutwhich
sexual acts are safe enough to do without a barrier and which ones require a
barrier. To reach such an agreement, everyone involved will have to do some
homeworkontherisklevelsofvariousactivitiesanddecidetogetherwhatlevelof
riskisacceptabletoyou.Don’tforgettofactorininformationfromeverybody’s
individualsexhistories.
You may wish to restrict certain kinds of sex—often vaginal and/or anal
intercourse with a living penis, which place the participants at highest risk for
disease transmission—to your primary relationship. Any time you are actively
tryingtomakeababy,youmightnotwanttoengageinpotentiallyreproductive
activitieswithallandsundry.
If barriers were infallible, fluid bonding would be a nearly perfect strategy;
unfortunately, they are not. Some diseases live on the pubic mound, perineum,
outerlabia,orscrotum,whichlatexcan’tcover.Pinholeleakscanallowvirusesto
creepthrough,althoughthishappenslessoftenthanantisexcrusaderswouldhave
youbelieve.Condomscanbreakorcomeoffduringsex.
Ifyouarefluidbondedandyouexperienceacondomfailure,youandanyone
elseinvolvedwillhavetodecidetogetherwhethertobeginagainwithHIVtesting
andsixmonthsofbarrierusage,ortoriskthepossibilitythatoneofyouhasbeen
infected and could infect the other. If there is any possibility of an unwanted
pregnancy,talktogetheraboutthemorning-afterpill.
PreexposureProphylaxis
IfyouengageinactivitiesthatcouldpassalongHIV,orifyou’repartneredwith
someone HIV-positive, look into PrEP, a new category of medication that is
showinggreatpromiseinpreventingHIVinfection.PrEPconsistsofadrugthat
canbetakendailybyanyonewhosesexualbehaviorsputthematsignificantrisk
forcontractingHIV.Asofthiswriting,thedrugseemstohaveaveryhighsuccess
rate and negligible side effects—in cities where doctors prescribe it regularly, the
numberofnewHIVdiagnosesareplummeting.Wedowanttonotethatthisisa
relatively new medication, it can be quite expensive, and there are still some
doctorswhoare(inexcusably)reluctanttoprescribe ittoanyone exceptanHIV-
negative person who is partnered with an HIV-positive person. It’s also worth
pointing out that PrEP does not protect against other sexually transmitted
conditions,includingpregnancy;thus,condomsarestillagoodideaifyou’rethe
ownerofafertileuterusorifyou’redoingpenetrativesexwithpeopleofunknown
healthstatus.
AvoidingHigh-RiskBehaviors
Another risk-reduction strategy is simply to eliminate some forms of sexual
expressionfromyourrepertoire.Manypeoplehavechosentoforgoformsofsex
that involve putting mouths or penises into or near anuses, feeling that the
particularlyhighrisksofthisformofplayarenotworthitsreward.Othershave
decidednottoengageinanyformofpenetrationwithanorganicpenis.
Ifallthiswindsupsoundinglikenosexatall,pleaseconsultoneofthegood
booksaboutsexinFurtherReading—therearehundredsofwaystosharereallyhot
sexthatdon’tinvolvesomebodysquirtinginsidesomebodyelse.
Every decision you make requires that you balance your own desires against
yourassessmentoftherisks.Rememberwhenyou’remakingyourdecisionsthat
desire is powerfulandimportantandthatthere’s nopoint in makingrulesyou
can’t livewith.Evenabstinencecanbe risky:onefriendofourspoints outthat
celibacycanbelikedieting—“IcanbereallygoodduringtheweekbutthenIbinge
on the weekends.” On the positive side, expanding your range of hot sexual
expressionbylearningnewandexcitingwaystohavesexcanleaveyoubothsafe
andsatisfied.
“Every decision you make requires that you balance your own desires against
yourassessmentoftherisks.”
SexandDrugs
Ifyou think you can’t enjoy sex without being high ordrunk,we’dlike you to
reconsiderthatbelief.Whileasmallamount of anintoxicantcanrelaxyouand
helpeliminatesomenervousness,beingsignificantlyalteredcanleadtoimpaired
boundaries,poorjudgment,andmisunderstandingsaboutconsent.
Ifyoudowanttotrytheriskier-than-usualexperienceofstonedordrunksex,
please remember to do your negotiations before the scene begins, with an
understandingthattherewillbenosurprisesorchangingofagreementspartway
in. And make sure that everyone involved has consented: “Hey, honey, I just
droppedadoubledoseofEcstasy—let’s fuck” without the priorconsentofthose
whomightbeaffectedisoftenaprofoundlybadidea.
We prefer the natural high of endorphins, oxytocin, and all the other lovely
chemicals our body produces during good sex—and the stuff that needs to be
swallowedorinhaledorsmokedorwhatevercangetinthewayoffeelingwhatwe
setouttofeel,includingourconnectionwiththesweetindividualwho’ssharing
thesexwithus.
If you feel that your use of intoxicants has become problematic, many larger
communities sponsor theirownrecovery groups,including groups forsluts.We
encourageyoutofindagroupwhereyoufeelenoughathometodotheworkof
learningnewhabitswithouthavingtocensoryourself.
FingerCrossing
Werecognizethatdesireisapowerfulforceinourlives,andmostofthetimewe
like to celebrate that. But the reality is that acting on desire without taking
responsibility is not ethical. A whole generation of people, particularly gay and
bisexualmen,grewupknowingthattheirdesiretofeelalivingpenisinsidethem
couldneverbeconsideredsafe.PrEPhasmadethingsalittlesaferbutstillrequires
some advance, well, preparation. Barebacking (penetration without a condom)
remains a very hot transgressive thrill that has tempted many of us to throw
cautiontothewindsintheinterestofgettingthatmuchclosertoalover.
Simplyhopingforthebest,denyingthatyou’reatrisk,orfailingtokeepyour
agreementsaboutbarriersisnotanacceptablestrategyforbirthcontrolordisease
protection.Ifyoudon’thavethehonestyandcouragetofacethegenuinerisksof
yoursexualbehaviors,youcertainlydon’thavewhatittakestobeanethicalslut,
andwequestionwhetheryoushouldbehavingsexatall.
Weareshockedandworriedbythelevelsofdenialweseeamongsomesexual
communitiesthatwouldliketobelievethatbecausenewtreatmentshaveslowed
downtheprogressofHIV,thecurehasbeenfound.Peoplearestilldying.Evenif
yourlifestyleseemstomakeHIVexposureunlikely,youarestillatriskforherpes,
hepatitis,HPV,chlamydia,syphilis,andahostofotherdiseases.Kinsey’sstatistics
frombackinthe1940sindicatedthatslightlymorethanhalfofrelationshipsthat
aretheoreticallymonogamousinfactinvolvesexualcontactwithoutsidepartners.
Geteducatedandtakecareofyourself.
TestingandPrevention
We think it’s essential for ethical sluts to be tested for HIV and other sexually
transmitted diseases on a regular schedule. How frequently depends on the risk
factors in your life. Ask your doctor, clinic, or Planned Parenthood office, and
followtheiradvice.
Onefriendofours,newtomeetingotherslutsonline,wasagreeablystartledto
discoverthatsomeprospective partners routinely broughttheirmost recent test
results to the first coffee date—perhaps a new definition of the “card-carrying
polyamorist.”
While most STDs are preventable only with barriers and care, recently
developedvaccinationscanprotectyouagainstseveralpotentiallydeadlyformsof
hepatitisand,ifyouaren’talreadyinfected,humanpapillomavirus.Ifyouengage
in nonmonogamous anal or vaginal play, these are a very good idea; they are
expensive but cheaper than getting sick. Discuss them with your health care
provider.You’llstillneedbarriersagainstalltherestofthemicroscopicnasties.
BirthControl
Mother Nature is called that for a reason—sometimes it seems like she wants
everybodytobeaparent.Evenwhenyouutterlyknowthatyoudon’twanttoget
pregnantthistime,somedeeperurgecaneasilyleadyoutoforgetapillorcount
thedayswrong.Birthcontrolinvolvestrickingthebusylittleeggsandsperminto
notdoingtheirjobsandtrickingyourowninstinctsintolettingyoudothetrick
right.
Birthcontroltechnologyis,alas,farfromperfect:reliable,reversible,easy,side-
effect-freecontraceptionisstilladream.Unwantedpregnanciesneednolongerbe
thelife-shatteringtragediesofyesteryear,buttheyarestillawful,andwehopethat
noneofyoueverhastohaveone.
If you have ovaries and a uterus, have intercourse with people who have
testicles,andcouldpossiblybefertile,youmusttakeactivestepstoensurethatyou
won’tgetpregnantuntilandunlessyouchooseto.Thepossibilitiesincludebirth-
controlpills,longer-termchemicalbirthcontrollikeNorplantandDepo-Provera,
diaphragms and cervical caps, condoms, IUDs, sponges and foam, and tubal
ligation,amongothers.Somewomenwithregularmenstrualcyclessucceedatthe
rhythmmethod,particularlyiftheyandtheirpartnerslearntoenjoyoutercourse
duringtheirfertileperiods.Thereisalotofgoodinformationavailableaboutthe
risks and reliability of all these methods; your physician, clinic, or Planned
Parenthoodcanhelpyoumakeagoodchoice.
For testicle-owners who have intercourse with uterus-owners, the choices are
(unfortunately) quite limited. If you know you are unlikely to want to have
childreninthefuture,avasectomyisminorsurgerythatwillrelieveyouofagreat
dealofworry.Ifyouhopetobeaparentsomeday,usethosecondoms—andlobby
forresearchintobettermalecontraception.
When someone gets pregnant unintentionally, this can be, to put it mildly,
difficult.Ifeveryoneinvolvedagreesthatanabortionisthebestchoice,thatcan
beprettyunpleasantinandofitself;ifthereisdisagreement,itcanbeshattering.
Until such time as science enables everyone to carry fetuses in their bodies, we
believe thatthe final decision has tobelong tothe person withthefetusinside,
but we sympathize deeply with the person who would like to raise a baby and
whose partner isn’t willing or able to carry it. We do think that both partners
shouldshareinthefinancialandemotionalburdenofanabortionorapregnancy.
If one, both, or all partners are interested in being a parent, and someone is
willingtocarrythefetustoterm,ethicalsluthoodopensupawealthofoptionsfor
parenting.Pleasedon’tfeelthattheonlywaytobeaparentistogetmarriedand
buy a house in the suburbs—perfectly marvelous children come out of shared
parenting arrangements, intentional communities, group marriages, and a
multitudeofotherwaystonurtureandsupportachild.
CommittingtoHealthySex
Youmaynoticethatwehavegoneoutofourwaynottotellyouwhatdecisionsto
makeaboutyoursexualbehavior.Onlyyoucandecidewhatrisksfeelacceptableto
you,andwebelievethatlettinganybodyelsemakethatdecisionforyouvirtually
guaranteesthatyouwon’tfollowthroughonyourchoices.
Youmust,however,makechoices.Youmustchoosetodoyourhomeworkand
learnwhatyouneedtoknowaboutrisksandrewards.Youmustchoosetodothe
workofsayingnotosexthatdoesn’tmeetyourownsafetycriteriaandofbeing
prepared to say yes to sex that does: discovering you’re out of condoms at the
wrongmomentisarecipefordisaster.Youmustchoosetoapproachyoursexual
behaviors in a mature, realistic, and sober manner—intoxication plays a role in a
shockinglyhighpercentageofHIVinfectionsandunwantedpregnancies.
Youmustbe preparedtoshareyoursexualdecisionmaking andhistory with
anypotentialpartnersyouencounter.Ifconsentisatthecoreofethicalsluthood—
anditis—yourpartnersmustbeabletogiveinformedconsenttowhateverrisks
areinvolvedinhavingsexwithyou.You,ofcourse,havetherighttoexpectthat
samehonestyfromthem.
You won’t like talking about this stuff, especially not with a new lover. It’s
depressing and scary, definitely not erotic, and sometimes horrendously
embarrassing.Allowustoreassureyou:thefirsttimeistheworst.Practicemakes
perfect, and after you’ve been over all these ugly and lethal possibilities a few
times,youwillbecomelesssensitiveandlearntodealwithwhatyouneedtowith
easeandgrace.Manypeopleavoidthediscussiononafirstdatebyagreeingupon
the safest possible practices for that encounter and then negotiating more
specifically later on. If you know you have a risk condition, like active herpes,
silence becomes less of an option; you need to invite your lovers to collaborate
withyouinavoidinginfection,andtheyhavearighttoenoughinformationto
maketheirownchoices.
On a cheerier note, getting good at talking about sex has some very nice
rewards,onceyougetthroughblushing.Chattingaboutthefunstuffisaturn-on
andthebestwaytogetexactlywhatyouwantinthewayofpleasure.Thenyoucan
learn what your partner gets excited about, which will make you the best of all
possiblelovers.
We, and most of the people we know, make fairly conservative choices about
what health risks we take in our sexuality. We know from experience that it is
quitepossibletohaveexciting,satisfying,fabulouslysluttysexwithoutlyingawake
nightsworryingafterward.Andisn’tthatthekindofsexweallwanttohave?
14
CHILDREARING
Ifyou’reraisingkidstoday,youhaveitalittlebiteasierthanslutsofyesteryear—
images of families in books and television aren’t quite as limited to Leave It to
Beaver and Ozzie and Harriet as they were in our childhoods. Still, even though
divorceandsingleparentingarenowacceptabletopics,ourcultureisslowtocatch
uptotheotherrealitiesofourlives:mediaimagesofmultipartnerrelationships,
andothernontraditionalconstellationsarestillrare.
Yetkidstaketotheserelationshipsquitereadily,perhapsmoresothantothe
traditionalnuclearfamily:childrenhavegrownupinvillagesandtribesformost
of human history. Janet remembers having some of her first desires for group
livingduringvacationswithherthen-husband’sexpansiveextendedfamily,when
shenoticedthatherkids,surroundedbylovingadultswithplentyoftimeontheir
hands,werehappier,moredocile,andlessfragmentedthanshe’deverseenthem.
Duringherkids’teenyears,shelivedinagrouphouseholdandwatchedhersons
adaptquitereadilytothecomingsandgoingsofadisparategroupofadults—one
of whom was almost always free to answer a question, troubleshoot a computer
program,experimentwitharecipe,orplayagame.
The single parent ethical slut can check out a number of creative options for
maintainingafulfillingsexlifewhilebeingaresponsibleparent.WhenDossiewas
sharingahousewithtwoothersinglemothers,oneofherloversusedtobabysitall
thekidssoallthreemothershadachancetogooutdancingtogether.Afriendof
oursusedtobabysitheryoungersisterandthekidsnextdoorsothatherparents
couldfoolaroundwiththenext-doorneighbors.Wehaveseenfamiliesoflovers
whose kids becomefriendly“siblings,”learning fromone anotherandalladults
availabletothem,becomingwhatmightlooklikeapreindustrialsmallvillageor
tribe.
The binary nature of monogamy-centrist thinking tends, we think, to cause
problems:you’reeithertheloveofmylifeoryou’reoutofhere.Bothofushave
found that opening our lives to other kinds of connections also opens our
children’slives.Still,manyparentshaveagreatdealofdifficultybridgingthegap
betweenresponsibleparentingandinclusiverelationships.Questionsaboutwhat
andhowmuchtotellyourkids,howtopreparethemfordifficultquestionsinthe
outside world, and how to help them relate to the new people who arrive and
departintheirlivescanbechallengingforanyparent.
Wehaveneverhadproblemscreatingconsistencyandsecurityforourchildren
in a sexually interconnected extended family. While you might assume that
inclusive relationships might generate massive inconsistency, our experience is
justtheopposite.Ourconnectionstendtoformsprawlingextendedfamiliesthat
haveplentyofenergytowelcomeallthechildren,andthechildrenreadilylearn
theirwayaroundthetribe.
Someshiftsinthepopulationareinevitable,butinourexperiencechildrentake
that kind of mobility for granted and perhaps develop a flexibility that might
servethemwelllaterinlife.Ifwepreparethemforalifewhereanychangeatallis
seenasadisaster,howwilltheymanage?Better,perhaps,tolearnthatlossmaybe
difficult, butwedoget throughit, pickupthepieces,andgoon with ourlives.
Onewayparentscanofferconsistencytochildrenistomodelhealthyadaptation
to change. Another good form of consistency is to be honest with yourself and
with your children—when you live your life in integrity, everyone can count on
youtobeexactlywhoyou,wonderfully,are.
SexEducationforKids
As you’ve surmised, we think an abundance of relationships can be highly
beneficialtofamilylifeandthatchildrengainrolemodels,attention,andsupport
inthepolyamorousextendedfamily.Clearly,childrenshouldnotbeincludedin
adultsexualbehavior.Education,however,isnotabuse,andchildrenneedenough
informationtomakesenseoutofwhattheadultsaredoingsotheycangrowupto
theirownhealthyunderstandingofsexuality.
All parents must make their own decisions about what kind of sexual
informationtheirchildrenshouldhaveatanygivenage.Forthehealthandwell-
being of the child, a balance must be struck between offering too much
information, which might seem scary or overwhelming, and too little, which
mightleavethechildwiththemessagethatnakedbodiesandsexualarousalareso
dangerousandembarrassingthatit’snotokaytoeventalkaboutthem.Wedon’t
want to terrify the kids, and we don’t want them to come into their own adult
sexualliveswiththebeliefthatsexisdirtyandshameful.
Remember,sexeducationisanissueforallparents,whatevertheirlifestyle.We
wantourkidstohavegoodinformationandfreedomofchoice,andtheyareoften
living in neighborhoods and going to schools where many parents believe that
kidsshouldbedeniedallinformationaboutsex(orelsetheymightturnouttobe
slutslikeus).
To make matters more complicated, our culture currently is deeply divided
about the entire subject of sex information and kids. Some people consider any
formofsexeducationtobesomehowdangerous.Someauthoritiesfeelthatwhen
childrenhave“precocious”informationaboutsex,itmustmeanthatthechildis
being abused by an adult. We are, however, adamantly opposed to “abstinence-
only”so-called sex education.How arewe toteach our children tosay noto an
abusiveadultifwearenotfrankaboutwhatitisthattheyshouldsaynoto?When
wetrytokeepsexsecretfromourkids,theyareawarethatsomethingisgoingon,
buttheydon’tknowwhat.Andifweleavethemtogettheirsexinformationfrom
equally ill-informed kids or from online pornography, we consign them to the
jungle.Ourkidsneedanddeserveadultsupportinlearningaboutandnegotiating
sexuality,astheydoinallotheraspectsoflife.
TherearecountriesinEuropewheresexeducationintheschoolsforchildren
of all ages is routine, including information on ways to make sure the sex is
pleasurable. Films of such classes show confident, curious students, comfortable
withthematerial—andthesecountrieshaveextremelylowratesofteenpregnancy.
WhattoShare,andNot
You’llhavetodecidehowmuchyourkidsshouldknowaboutyoursexualchoices,
suchasmultiplepartners,same-sexpartners,oralternativefamilystructures.Our
experienceisthatkidsfiguresuchthingsoutquickerthanyouthinktheydobut
thattheymaynotfigurethemoutexactlyright.
Onewordofwarning:Ifyouarelivinginacommunitythatdoesnotshareyour
standardsaboutsexeducation,yourdesiretoeducateneedstobebalancedagainst
theneedforthechildtolearnwhatisandisnotokaytosharewiththeoutside
world.Whenyouteachyourkids,youwillneedtotalkwiththemabouthowother
people’s standardsoperate andaboutwhatinformationmightbe problematic to
share.
Therearestillmanyplacesinthiscountrywherelivinganontraditionalsexual
lifestyleisconsideredajustificationforlegallyremovingyourchildrenfromyour
custody. Even when you are sure you are doing no harm, you still may need to
protect your kids from puritanical neighbors, teachers, and other outsiders. We
can’t give you concrete guidelines on this, because only you can know the
atmosphere in your particular community and the personalities of your own
children.
There are also, sadly, many places in this country where children who are
“different” (differently gendered), perhaps with parents who are not the hetero
couplethatHollywoodrecommendsorwhootherwisefailtofitintothenarrow
narratives of traditional America, may be subject to soul-crushing bullying.
Schoolsoweittotheirstudents,bothlegallyandethically,toprovideasafespace
forlearning.Ifyourchildorthechildofsomeoneyoucareaboutisbeingbullied,
pleasespeakupandmakesuretheschoolisfulfillingitslegalobligationtoprotect
peoplewhoaretooyoungtotakecareofthemselves.
WhatShouldTheySee?
We think it’s a good idea to model physical and verbal affection for children;
that’s how they learn to be affectionate adults. But you’ll have to make some
decisions about the appropriate dividing line between physical affection and
sexualdemonstrativeness.
Do your kids get to see you hugging your partners, kissing them, touching
them? These are all decisions we can’t make for you. You have to think them
through yourself—taking into account such issues as their ages, their levels of
sophistication,andtheirperceptionsaboutyourexistingrelationships—andabide
byyourowndecisions.
Nudityisagrayarea.Wecertainlydon’tthinkkidsareharmedbygrowingup
inhouseholdswherecasualnudityisthenorm.Butchildrenwhohaveneverbeen
aroundnudeadultsmaybeupsetifnudityissuddenlyintroducedintotheirliving
room. Kids can be very sensitive to issues like sexual display, and flashing is
clearly a violation of boundaries. Certainly, if a child expresses discomfort with
beingaroundyouroryourfriends’nudity,theirdesiresshouldberespected.And
wehopeitgoeswithoutsayingthatnochildshouldeverberequiredtobenudein
front of others—many children go through phases of extreme modesty as they
struggle to cope with their changing bodies, and that, too, deserves scrupulous
respect.
WhatShouldTheyDo?
It is illegal and immoral to allow your kids to engage in any form of sexual
behaviorwith any adultortoallow your partners tobe sexualor seductivewith
your kids. Many children go through one or more sexually explorative and/or
flirtatiousperiods in theirlives—this is natural andcommon.Butit’s important
that you and your friends maintain especially good boundaries during such
periods; learning polite and friendly ways of acknowledging a child’s changing
needswithoutengagingsexuallyisacriticalskillforethicalslutswhospendtime
aroundtheirownortheirpartners’kids.Thebestwaytoteach yourchildgood
boundariesistobeclearaboutyourownandtorespectthechild’srighttogrow
upfreefromviolation.
AnsweringTheirQuestions
Kids’ questions about sex and relationships can often be challenging—from the
five-year-old’s,“Buthowdoestheseedgettotheegg?”totheteenager’s,“Sohow
comeyougettofuckanyoneyouwant,butIhavetobehomebymidnight?”And
today,whenmany kids comefromsmallnuclearfamilieswith littleexposureto
olderchildren,thejobofsexeducationfallssquarelyontheshouldersofparents.
Here’swheretheskillsyou’velearnedinotherpartsofthisbookcancomein
handy.Youoweyourkidshonest,heartfeltresponsestoquestionslikethese;this
isnotthe timetocome onallhigh-handedandparental.Particularly with older
childrenandteenagers,it’sfinetoletthemknowifyou’refeelingambivalentor
embarrassed about something: they’ll know anyway, believe us. If a situation
makesyouangryorsad,sharethat,too.Theymayneedsomereassurancethatyour
emotion isn’t their fault and some reinforcement that it’s not their job to help
youfeelbetter.
It’s also fine to test their willingness to receive information. Before you start
heaping data on their heads, you can try prefacing your communication with a
question like, “Do you want to know about [whatever the topic is]?” Janet
remembersaconversation with her older son when he was about ten:she’djust
done a “birdsandbees”rap and hadperhaps gotten alittlecarriedaway.Atthe
endofherlongspeech,sheaskedhim,“So,aslongaswe’reonthistopic,isthere
anythingelseyouwanttoknow?”Hereplied,fervently,“Mom,you’vealreadytold
memuchmorethanIwantedtoknow.”
Goodboundaries areimportant,too.Whileyourkidsarecertainly entitled to
expressanopinionabouttheway youchoosetorunyourlife,theydon’tgetto
dictateit.Theflipsideofthisisthatyouoweittothemtohelppreventtheirlives
frombeingundulyimpactedbyalifestyletheyneverchose.Soyoumayneedto
clearthesexybooksoffthecoffeetablewhenyourkids’friendsarevisiting,and
takedownyourfavoriteeroticart.Wehatetosuggestthatyouhideourbookin
thecloset,butsoitmayneedtobe.Well,nobodyeversaidparenthood—especially
sluttyparenthood—wasgoingtobeeasy.
“Whileyourkidsarecertainlyentitledtoexpressanopinionaboutthewayyou
choosetorunyourlife,theydon’tgettodictateit.”
YourLovers’Kids
Whenyourlovershavekids,youareinvolvedwiththosekids,too—onefriendof
oursreferstothemanychildrenhehelpedhisloversraiseashis“practicekids,”
helpinghimlearnparentingskillsforthechildofhisownthatcamealonglater.
You’llneedtomakedecisionstogetheraboutwhattotell thekidsaboutyour
relationships, and you need to learn what decisions are conventional in your
lovers’families.Itmaynotmatterwhetheryoungerchildrenknoworunderstand
thatsomeoftheconnectionsintheirfamiliesaresexualandothersarenot.Butall
adultsinfamilieswithchildrenhavearesponsibilitytomakeaconnectionwith
the kids wecome in contactwith,andtofoster our ownchildren’s connections
withourfriendsandlovers.Singleslutswithnopreviousconnectiontochildren
mayfindthemselvesinapositionofneedingtolearnhowtodealwithchildrenin
theirextendedfamily.
Fact of life: Everyone around children will eventually need to set limits with
them. There may be some challenges as you work to reconcile your own limits
withthehabitsandstylesofafamilythatwasworkingjustfinebeforeyouarrived
in it. Expressing your needs can be an opportunity for the kids to learn that
differentadultshavedifferentneeds,thatJanecannapthrougharousinggameof
InsideTagwhereasJeanneedsanhourofquiet.
It may be that you find yourself disliking one of your lover’s kids. Perhaps
somethingaboutthisparticularchildpushesyourbuttons:theymayremindyou
ofyourhorribleolderbrotherormaybeevenyouryoungself.Orthechildmaybe
angrywithyou,ordislikeyou,forreasonsentirelybeyondyourcontrol:perhaps
youare“replacing”abelovedparentorotheradultwhohasbeenlosttodeathor
divorce. Whatever the reason for this problem, you are the adult and it is your
responsibility to find a way to solve it. Resolution will undoubtedly take some
time,afairamountofenergy,andagreatdealofpatience,butwebelieveitwillbe
worthit,foryouandyourloverandthekids.
Early in Janet’s relationship with her spouse E, there was a lot of friction
betweenhimandheryoungadultson,mostlyoverissuesthatwillsoundfamiliar
toanystepparent:housekeeping,noiselevels,courtesy.Then,sherecalls,“Wewere
visitingmymotherforafewdays,andthetwoofthemwereescapingthedomestic
whirlwindoutinthe backyard.Eexpressedsympathy aboutadifficultpersonal
situation my son was encountering. They had a beer together and really talked,
fromtheheart,forthefirsttime—andsuddenlyEcouldseemysonthewayIsee
him, as a socially awkward young man, not always too aware of the physical
realitiesaroundhimbutwithahugeheartandalottogive.Fromthateveningon,
they’vehadlittletroubleworkingtogetheronnormalhouseholdstuffandhavein
factbecomegoodfriends.”
When you establish a positive relationship with the children in your
environment, they will respond by developing a positive relationship with you.
Weknowofex-loverswhohavemaintainedclosefriendshipsovermanydecades
with children with whom they had no biological relationship. Thus are slut
familiesbuiltandmaintained.
PolyPioneers:Marston,Marston,andByrne
One of the concerns that outsiders often bring up about multipartner households is the
inevitable,“Butwhataboutthechildren?”Inyourauthors’experience,childrenofmultipartner
householdsareatleastaslikelyaskidsraisedinanuclearfamilytobehealthyandhappy.One
multipartner household produced notonlyfoursuccessfulhuman children, but alsoa wildly
successfulimaginary“child”:WonderWoman,thefirstfemalesuperhero.
William Moulton Marston was a Harvard graduate, author, and psychologist; he drew the
connection between falsehood and blood pressure that underlay the creation of the lie
detector.HiswifeElizabeth“Sadie”HollowayMarstonwasaneditorandadministrator—inthe
parlance of the day, a “career woman.” Their partner Olive “Dotsie” Byrne, William’s former
research assistant, took primary responsibility for raising the triad’s four children—two from
SadieandtwofromDotsie—andcaringforthehousehold.
ItwasWilliamwhohadtheoriginalideaofasuperherowhosepowerswerebasedonlove
ratherthanviolence,butitwasSadiewhoreplied,“Fine,thenmakeherawoman.”AndWonder
Woman’s dark-haired, red-lipped appearance and forceful but nurturing personality seem to
have been based to a significant degree on Dotsie—William remarked in an interview that
Wonder Woman’s “amazonium” projectile-repelling bracelets were based on a silver pair that
Dotsieoftenwore.
Any reader of the original 1940s “Wonder Woman” comics is aware of their strong kink
component—wedoubttheycouldhavebeenpublishedinamoreeroticallyawareage.Besides
the ongoing portrayal of bondage (of which Wonder Woman’s “lasso of truth” was only one
example), themes of dominance and submission, flagellation, and even infantilism surfaced
often. William spoke in interviews about bondage and submission as pathways to a better
world. The comics also dealt with prescient questions of restorative justice and the tension
between individualism and social health, in addition to raising money for polio
awareness/preventionandotherworthycauses.
WonderWomanoutlivedhercreatorinnameonly.IncarnationsoftheheroineafterWilliam’s
death in 1947 soft-pedaled her strength and feminism: by the end of the 1960s, she had
surrenderedherAmazonianpowersandwasrunningaboutique.(A2010relaunchrevertedto
something closer to the original heroine.) Sadie and Dotsie, though, lived together, in a
householddescribedbyvisitorsaslovingandcheerful,fortherestoftheirlives.
15
ROADMAPSTHROUGHJEALOUSY
Letjealousybeyourteacher.Jealousycanleadyoutotheveryplaceswhere
youmostneedhealing.Itcanbeyourguideintoyourowndarksideandshow
youthewaytototalself-realization.Jealousycanteachyouhowtolivein
peacewithyourselfandwiththewholeworldifyouletit.
—DEBORAHANAPOL,LovewithoutLimits
Formanypeople,thebiggestobstacletofreeloveistheemotionwecalljealousy.
Jealousy feels really rotten, and most of us will go to great lengths to avoid
feeling it. However, your authors believe that most people take the destructive
powerofjealousywaytoomuchforgranted,thattheygivetheirjealousyfarmore
power than it deserves. After many years of living free and dealing successfully
withjealousy,wetendtoforgetthatweliveinaculturethatconsidersitacceptable
todivorceorevenmurderasexuallyexplorativepartnerwhohascommittedthe
unthinkablecrimeofarousingjealousyinus.
Let us point out that monogamy is not a cure for jealousy. We have all had
experiences of being ferociously jealous of work that keeps our partner away or
distracted,ofourlover’sdecisiontocruisetheInternetinsteadofourbodies,orof
Monday(andTuesdayandWednesday)NightFootball.Jealousyisnotexclusiveto
sluts—it’sanemotionweallhavetodealwith.
“Letuspointoutthatmonogamyisnotacureforjealousy.”
Manypeoplebelievethatsexualterritorialityisanaturalpartofindividualand
socialevolution. Morerecenttheories suggest thatitmay datefromabouteight
thousand years ago, when humans shifted from being hunting and gathering
nomadstolandedfarmers,makingthelong-termcontrolofland,families,andall
the means of production much more important. If you believe that jealousy is
natural rather than a social construct, it’s easy to use it as justification to go
berserkandstopbeingasane,responsible,andethicalhumanbeing.
Your authors don’t think it matters whether jealousy derives from nature or
nurtureorboth.Whatmattersisthatweknowfromexperiencethatwecanchange
it.
HereisastoryfromDossie’slifeaboutthestruggletocopewithjealousy:
Myloverislatecominghome.Ihopesheisallright—thismorningsheleftin
tears.Lastnightwebothcrieduntilverylate.Ihopeshewillnotbetooangry
withme,orthenagain,herangermightbeeasiertobearthanherpain.Last
nightIthoughtmyheartwouldbreakfromfeelingherpain.
Andit’smyfault,mychoice,myresponsibility.Iamaskingmylovertogo
throughthefireforreasonsmostoftherestoftheworldconsiderfrivolousif
notdownrightreprehensible.Icannot,willnot,bemonogamous.
Morethanfourdecadesago,Ileftmydaughter’sviolentfather,fightingmy
wayoutthedoor,bruisedandpregnant,promisingIwouldcallmyparentsfor
money,lying.AfterIescapedJoe,hethreatenedmurder—onetimehesetfires
aroundthehousehethoughtwewerestillin.AfterIleft,Idecidedhewasright
—Iamaslut,Iwanttobeaslut,Iwillneverpromisemonogamyagain.Iwill
neverbeapieceofpropertyagain,nomatterhowvaluablethatpropertyis
considered.Joemadeafeministofme—afeministslut.
Myloverisback.Shebroughtmeaflower.Shestilldoesn’twantahug.She
feelsherhousehasbeeninvadedbyalienenergy.Iwasverycarefultocleanup,
allisverytidy,dinnerisready,appeasementandplacation,I’lldoanythingnotto
feelsoawful.
WhydidIinsistondoingthis?MycoauthorandIhavebeenpatientlywaiting
toresumethispartofourrelationshipwhenmynewfoundandmostbeloved
partnerwasready.Shehasalreadyconqueredtheterrorsofgroupsex—
tomorrowwewillhaveanothercoupleoverfordinnerandmybirthday
spanking,whichsheherselfarrangedwithnoeggingonfromme.Withinthe
lastyearshehashadmorenewsexualexperiencesthanshe’dhadinthe
previousforty-eightyearsandhastakentoitalllikeaducktowater.
Exceptherloverhavingadatewithoneotherperson.Shehatesfeelingleft
outandresentsthatwearedoingitinourhomethistime,notneutralterritory.
Maybethiswasamistake.MaybeImakealotofmistakes.
Myfriendsandlovershavewelcomedherintothefamilywithopenarms.
Loversoftenformkinshipnetworksfromtheirsexualconnections,and
customs,evensortofaculture,havebeguntoemerge.Andsoitiscustomary,
inmybrand-newculture,forone’sloverstowelcomeanewlover,notas
competitionbutasanadditiontothecommunity.Butthisisnotherculture.
Myloverisreadytotalknow.Sheisseriouslypissed.Sheresentsmeforevery
miserableterrifiedthoughtshehashadtoday,sheisfuriousthatIwouldsubject
hertotheunprotectedexperienceofherownfeelings,andthat’snotwhatshe
said,that’smyinterpretation.Andthat’snotwhatIsaideither—thiswasnotime
togetuppityaboutcleanboundariesandtheimportanceofowningyourown
feelings.Ilistened.ThistimeIlistened,withoutinterrupting,tryingonlytolether
knowthatIloveher,Ifeelherpain,Iamhereforher.Sheisfuriouswithme,
andIamnotgivingmyselfpermissiontodefendmyself,andIhurt.
Thisstoryhasnotidyending—wetalkedforhours,ormaybeIlistened,andI
heardhowdifficultitwasforher,howshefeltinvaded,howshefearedthatmy
otherloverwouldnotlikeher,howshefeltattackedbyherandmeboth,how
verymuchshefearedIwasabandoningher.Wecametonopatlittleanswers
thatmakegoodstoriesforbooks—wejustpouredoutanguish,andwentto
sleepexhausted,andwentonlovingeachotherandworkingonthisissueas
bestwecould.
It’sbeentwentyyearssinceDossiewrotethisstory,andsheisnolongerwith
this lover. The relationship ended for many reasons, none of them particularly
aboutjealousy.Weare including this story because wethink it’s important that
our readers know that even accomplished sluts struggle with pain,
miscommunication,mismatcheddesires,anger,and,yes,jealousy.
WhatIsJealousy?
We cannot ask this question too often. What is jealousy to you? Does jealousy
reallyexist,andisitwhatwethinkitis?Whenwechoosetoconfrontthefeeling
of jealousy rather than run away from it, we can see more clearly what jealousy
trulyisforeachofus.Jealousyisnotasingleemotion.Itcanshowupasgriefor
rage,hatredorself-loathing—jealousyisanumbrellawordthatcoversthewiderange
of emotions we might feel when our partners make sexual connection with
somebodyelse.
Jealousy may be an expression of insecurity, fear of rejection, fear of
abandonment, or feeling left out, not good enough, inadequate, or awful. Your
jealousy may be based in territoriality or in competitiveness or in some other
emotion that’s clamoring to be heard under the jealous racket in your brain.
Sometimesitmayshowupasblindscreamingrage—andbeingblindmakesitvery
difficulttosee.
Dossie,whenshefirststartedthinkingaboutandchallengingherjealousy,felt
analmostintolerablesenseofinsecurity,alongthelinesof,“Nobodywilleverlove
mebecausesomethingiswrongwithmeandI’munlovable.”Shediscoveredthis
aboutherselfintheearlyyearsoffeminism,soitfitperfectly withher feminist
explorationstogotoworkonherself-esteemandbuildafoundationofsecurity
thatdidn’tneedtobegrantedbyanotherpersonandthatnooneelsecouldtake
away.Youcanprobablyfigureouthowvaluablealessonthiswasandhowmany
moreuses she hasfoundforfeelingsecure within herself.Thank you, jealousy—
withoutthislessonshewouldn’tbeconfidentenoughtobewritingthisbook.
Ifyouexperienceyourjealousyasinsensaterage,thenyoumightwanttolearn
about how other people are dealing successfully with anger. You could read
something about anger, to discover how other people are thinking about it and
workingwithit.Perhapsyoucantakeacourseinangermanagement.Maybeyou
cancometotermswithyouranger.Maybeyoucangettoaplacewhereyouand
yourloversneedneverfearyourangeragain.Wouldn’tthatbeworthworkingon?
Manypeoplefindformsofjealousyinthemselvesthatareactuallyprettyeasyto
dealwith—naggingdoubts,bitsofnervousnessaboutperformanceorbodyimage.
Othersfindthemselvesfallingintoawhirlpoolofterrororgrief,difficultevento
lookat,muchlesstoteaseapartintoseparatefeelingslikefearofabandonmentor
lossorrejection.Whydowesometimesfeelthisway?Dossiethetherapisthasa
theory about this, based not only on her own experience but also that of many
clientsshehasworkedwithontheseissues.
Jealousyis often the maskwornbythemostdifficultinner conflictyouhave
goingonrightnow,aconflictthat’scryingouttoberesolvedandyoudon’teven
know it. Because it’s rooted so deeply, it can be incredibly difficult to stay
consciouswhenjealousypeeksoverthehorizon:wetwistandturnandwrithein
ourattemptsnottofeelit.Thisis whenyouremotionsaremostlikelytobring
youtogrief—whenyoubelievethatyouneedtoavoidfeelingthematanycost.
Onewaytonotfeelafeelingistoprojectitontoyourpartner.Projectionisa
psychological defense that involves trying to move a painful feeling outside
yourselfbyrunningyouremotionalmovieonsomeoneelse,asifthatpersonwere
ascreenforyourfearsandfantasies.Itmaybethatthisistheonlyrealdefinition
of jealousy: it’s the experience of projecting one’s uncomfortable feelings onto
one’spartner.
Buthere’ssomegoodnews.Ifyourecognizeyourselfinanyofthis,thensome
partofyouhasdecidedthatyouarestrongenoughtoacknowledgetheunderlying
emotion,andthatmeansyou’reinanexcellentpositiontodosomehealingright
now.Useyourjealousyasasignpost:“Workonthisfeeling!”Takeaclass,joina
group,findagoodtherapist,startpracticingmeditation—gotoworkonyourself.
You could get a whole lot of bang for your buck if you do the work that’s
presentingitselfnow:healoldwounds,openupnewpossibilities,gainhealthand
freedomfromfear…andsomewhereinthere,almostasabonus,yougettograsp
yoursexualfreedomaswell.
Sometimes what we perceive as jealousy is actually something else. Think
throughthedetailsofhowjealousyworksinyou.Whatbothersyouthemost?Isit
thatyoudon’twantyourpartnertodothosethingswithsomeoneelseorthatyou
dowantyourpartnertodothemwithyou?Jealousymightactuallybeenvy,and
envyisoftenveryeasytofix:whynotmakeadatewithyourlovertodowhatyou
havejustdiscoveredyouaremissing?
Sometimesjealousyisrootedinfeelingsofgriefandloss,whichcanbeharder
to interpret. We have been taught by our culture that when our partner has sex
withanother,wehavelostsomething.Nottosounddumb,butweareconfused.
Whenourpartnerscomehomefromhotdates,oftentheyareexcitedandturned
on and have some new ideas they would like to try out at home. We fail to see
whatweloseinthissituation.
Orthesenseoflossyoufeelmightbethelossofanideal,apictureyouhave
beenholdinginyourheadofwhataperfectrelationshipmightlooklike.Itmay
behelpfultorememberthatallrelationshipschangethroughtime:people’sneeds
anddesiresshiftaccordingtoageandcircumstance,andthemostsuccessfullong-
termrelationshipsaretheoneswithenoughflexibilitytoredefinethemselvesover
andoveragainthroughtheyears.
Occasionally,ourdiscomfortmeansthatwearebecomingawareonanintuitive
level that our partner is moving away from us. That does happen. The fact that
supposedlymonogamouspeopleeverywhereoftenleaveonepartnerforwhatthey
perceiveasgreenergrasswithanotherisnotmuchconsolationwhenithappensto
you.
We watched a friend of ours go through feelings of deep grief and loss when
theyperceivedthattheirpartner’sloverwastryingtoabscondwiththeirpartner.
Inthiscase,theirpainthrewaspotlightonsomedishonestyandmanipulationon
thepartofthethirdpartyandgavethepartnerthestrengthtobreakofffromthe
outsidelover andtofindother lovers who hadgreater respectfortheir primary
bond. On the other hand, this scenario might just as easily have ended in a
breakup;we’lltalkmoreaboutbreakups,anddealingwiththemethicallywithcare
for your own and your partner’s feelings, in chapter 22, “The Ebb and Flow of
Relationships.”
Jealousymightalsobeassociatedwithfeelingsofcompetitivenessandwanting
to be number one. There’s a reason there is no Olympics of sex: sexual
achievementisnotmeasurable.Wecannotrankeachandeveryoneofusonsome
hierarchicalladderofwhoisorisnotthemostdesirableorthebetterfuck.Ifyou
findoutaboutsomethingthatyouwouldliketoaddtoyourownrepertoire,you
cancertainlylearntodoitwithoutwastingtimetrashingyourselffornotalready
havingknownhow.
Fearofbeingsexuallyinadequatecanadduptoaverydeepandsecretwound.
Butallowustoreassureyouthateventually,whenyousucceedinestablishingthe
lifestyle you are dreaming about, you will be so familiar with so many different
individuals’ ways of expressingsexuality thatyou willnolongerhave towonder
how your sexuality compares to another’s; you’ll know from direct experience.
Greatloversaremade,notborn.Youcanlearnfromyourlovers,andyourlovers’
lovers,andyourlovers’lovers’lovers,tobethesexualsuperstaryouwouldliketo
be.
EXERCISE:HOWDOYOUEXPERIENCEJEALOUSY?
Set aside some time for introspection. Remember some times
whenyoufeltjealous,andwriteabouthowthatfelt.Youmayfind
your mind preoccupied with thoughts about what those other
peopleweredoing.Itmaytakealittlepatiencetogobacktoyour
ownfeelings:rage,grief,despair,desperation,anxiety;feelingsof
being lost, ugly, lonely, worthless; whatever other feelings are
particulartohowyouexperiencejealousy.Weareoftentempted
to accuse ourselves about horrid feelings, as if we needed some
sort of proper justification for feeling lousy. Try having some
compassionforyourselfwhenyoufeelsobad.
Whatisyourstoryaboutjealousy?Doyoubelieveitornot?How
doyouseeyourselfwhenyoufeeljealous?
UnlearningJealousy
Changingthewayyouexperienceafeelingtakestime,soexpectagradualprocess,
learningasyougo,bytrialanderror.Andtherewillbetrials,andyouwillmake
errors.
Start by giving yourself permission tolearn. Allowyourself tonotknow what
youdon’tknow,tobeignorant:Buddhistscallthis“beginner’smind.”Youmust
allowyourselftomakemistakes;youhavenochoice.Soreassureyourself:thereis
no graceful way to unlearn jealousy. It’s like learning to skate—you have to fall
downandmakeafoolofyourselfafewtimesbeforeyoubecomeasgracefulasa
swan.
The challenge comes in learning to establish within yourself a strong
foundation of safety in your relationship that is not dependent on sexual
exclusivity.Thisdifficultworkispartofthelargerquestionofhowtograspyour
personalpowerandlearntounderstandandloveyourselfwithoutanotherperson
tovalidateyou.Youbecomefreetogiveandreceivevalidation,notfromneedor
obligation,butfromloveandcaring.Wesuggestmoststronglythatyouputsome
effortintolearningtovalidateyourself:you’reworthit.
Manypeoplefindthatastheydeveloptheirpolyamorousfamilies,theyactually
getvalidationfromlotsandlotsofpeopleandthusbecomelessdependentonone
partner’s approval. Their needs and their sources of nourishment get spread out
overawiderterritory.
DisempoweringYourJealousy
Jealousyis notacancerthatyou can cut out.It is apartofyou,away thatyou
expressfearandhurt.Whatyoucandoischangethewayyouexperiencejealousy
andlearntodealwithitasyoulearntodealwithanyemotion:workwithituntil
it becomes, not overwhelming and not exactly pleasant, but tolerable—a warm
summershowerratherthanatyphoon.
One woman we talked to had some very good ideas about what you can do
aboutjealousy:
Inoticethatjealousycomesandgoes,dependingonhowgoodIfeelabout
myself.WhenI’mnottakingcareofgettingwhatIwant,it’seasytogetjealous
andthinkthatsomeoneelseisgettingwhatIamnot.Ineedtorememberthat
it’smyjobtogetmyneedsmet.Ifeelthejealousy,butI’mnotwillingtoacton
it,soitmostlygoesaway.
Once you have made a commitment to refuse to act on your jealousy, you
becomefreetostartreducingtheamountofpoweryouletithaveoveryou.One
waytodothisissimplybyallowingyourselftofeelit.Justfeelit.Itwillhurt,and
youwillfeelfrightenedandconfused,butifyousitstillandlistentoyourselfwith
compassionandsupportforthescaredchildinside,thefirstthingyouwilllearnis
thattheexperienceofjealousyissurvivable.
Alargepartofourdifficultieswithjealousycomesfromourattemptstoavoid
feelingascaryorpainfulemotion.Perhapslongagowhenwewerechildren,truly
powerless in the world and with a very limited set of tools for dealing with our
emotions,wefeltsomethingscaryandtoldourselves,“Iwillneverfeelthisagain;
it’stooawful.I’lldie.I’llkillmyself.”Sowestickthefeeling,andtheeventthat
inspiredit,intosomethinglikeapot,andweputthelidongoodandtight.Asthe
years go by, whenever something comes along that reminds us of what’s in the
pot, that rattles the lid a little, we push down on that lid—we may not even
rememberwhy.Andthepressurebuildsandbuilds,notsomuchfromwhat’sin
thepotasfromourfranticstrugglestokeepthelidon.
Whenwegrowupandweneedtotakethelidoffsothatwecandealwithour
emotionalrealityasanadult,itcanfeelterrifying.Butsurprisingly,oftenwhenwe
actuallylookatwhat’sinourpotandfeelit,it’smuchmoremanageablethanwe
hadfeared.Youcanindeedopenyourpots,lookatwhat’sbubblingawayinthere,
and then put the lid back on. Your old defenses will continue to work just fine
whenyouwantthemto.
We have heard sluts accuse each other of being jealous as if it were a crime:
“You’rejealous,aren’tyou?Don’ttrytodenyit!”Itisparticularlyimportantthat
youownyourjealousy,toyourselfandtoyourintimates.Ifyoutrytopretendthat
you are not jealous when you are, others may believe you and see no need to
supportorprotectyou—becauseyou’refine,right?Ortheymayconcludethatyou
are failing to take responsibility for your own emotions. When you deny your
jealousytoyourself,youtakefromyourselftheopportunitytobecompassionate
withyourself,toofferyourselfsupportandcomfort.
Let us remember that feeling jealousy (or any other emotion) is not a crime.
Onlyactionscanbeacrime.Feelingsarefeelings,andthey’retherewhetheryou
acknowledgethemornot.Butwhenyoushovethefeelingsbackintothepot,they
may try devious routes to bring themselves to your attention, manifesting
themselvesasintenselyirrationalanger,unreasonablebehavior,crushinganxiety
overanythingatall,tempertantrums,cryingfits,orevenphysicalillness.“Acting
out” means doing things you don’t understand, driven by emotions you have
refusedtobeawareof,inwaysyoumayregretlater.
Sometimes acting out takes the form of making ultimatums about what your
partnersmayandmaynotdoor,worse,tryingtoenforceretroactive“agreements”
by getting all righteously indignant about how anybody could have figured out
that it wasn’t okay to take Bob to the movie you wanted to see, and aren’t they
inconsiderateandrotten?Youcannotdealconstructivelywithjealousybymaking
other people wrong. Foisting your feelings off on your partners is a dead-end
strategy:itjustplainwon’twork.Jealousyisanemotionthatarisesinsideyou;no
personandnobehaviorcan“make” youjealous.Likeitornot,the only person
whocanmakethatjealousyhurtlessorgoawayisyou.
“Actingout’meansdoingthingsyoudon’tunderstand,drivenbyemotionsyou
haverefusedtobeawareof,inwaysyoumayregretlater.”
Sometimes when a lover is jealous and in pain, we may find it easier to feel
angryandpushthatpersonawaythantostayclose,stayinginempathy,listening,
andcaring.Whenweblamethispersonforbeingjealous,whatwe’rereallysaying
isthatwecan’tstandtolistentohowmuchourbelovedhurtswhenwe’reonthe
way out the door to play with someone else. This seeming indifference is a
crummywaytoavoiddealingwithourownguilt.
Thereareeasiersolutions.Feelingsliketobelistenedto—otherpeople’sfeelings
and your own. Once you understand that you are doing something constructive
whenyoujustlisten,orasksomeoneelsetojustlistentoyou,youcangetthose
troublesomefeelingsoutintheopenandlearntosatisfythem.Theideaistobe
nicetoyourfeelings,towelcomethemasguests,untiltheyfeelfinishedandmove
on through. Remember, you don’t have to fix anything: all you have to do is
listen,toyourselforanother,andunderstandthatthishurts.Period.
Janetandalifepartnerhadadifficultmomentwhenshefirsttoldhimthatshe
wasinlovewithoneofherlovers:
I’dbeenseeingthiswomanforawhileandrealized,muchtomysurprise,that
myfeelingstowardherhadgonebeyondsimplesexualfriendshipandintoa
deepromanticemotionthatIidentifiedasbeinginlove.WhenItoldmylife
partneraboutthis,Ithinkhisfirstimpulsewastofeelthreatened,insecure,and,
yes,jealous.Icouldfeelhimgettingclosetoexploding.Itwashardformenot
totrytofixthings,totakebackwhatI’dsaidaboutbeinginloveortosimply
leavethediscussionaltogetherbecauseIfeltscaredandguilty.
Buthestayedoncourse,allowingthefeelingstopresentthemselves,butnot
allowingthemtodrivehimintoactingangryordefensive.Heaskedmesome
questionsaboutwhatexactlythismeanttous,andIwasabletoexplainthatI
wasn’tplanningtoleavehim,thatmyloveforherwasinnowayathreattomy
loveforhim,thatsheandIweren’texpectingtobecomeprimarypartners—that,
really,nothinghadchangedexceptmyownemotionsandthewordsIwas
usingtodescribethem.Wewentontorevisitthisdiscussionfromtimetotime,
especiallywhenourbusyschedulespermittedmetospendsomeextratime
withmylover.
SheandIdriftedapartfairlyeasilylateronaswemovedontootherthingsin
ourlives…and,forthatmatter,sodidheandI,lesseasily.Butallthreeofuswho
wereinvolvedinthatparticulartrianglecanlookbackwithprideatthewaywe
gaveeachotherthespaceandrespectweneededtoprocessachangethatat
firstfeltterriblythreateningtousall.
Youcanfeeljealousywithoutactingonit.Flyingintoarageandbreakingall
the crockery, or calling your lover’s lover and hanging up every fifteen minutes
during your first sleepless night, or picking a fight with whoever’s handy won’t
helpyoufeelbetter.Allthesearethingsthatpeopledotonotfeeljealous,tonot
feel scared and small. Anger can help us feel powerful when we use it to push
vulnerablefeelingsaway,butitwon’tactuallymakeusstrongerorsafer.
Whenyouholdstillwithyourjealousy,youwillfindthatitispossibletofeel
somethingdifficultwithoutdoinganythingyoudon’tchoosetodo.Youwillhave
takenyoursecondstepatdisempoweringyourjealousy.You’vetoldyourjealousy
that you will not allow it to drive you to do anything that might destroy your
lovingrelationships.
KhalilGibranwrotesomethingtrulyprofoundaboutthenatureofpain:“Your
painisthebreakingoftheshellthatenclosesyourunderstanding.”
WhitewaterRafting
Sothereyouare,shellcracked,withwavesofpainwashingoveryou.Whatdoyou
do?Getascomfortableasyoucanandseehowyoucanlearntoridethosewaves
insteadofdrowningunderthem.Gatherupthecouragetofeelwhatyou’refeeling.
Explore your feelings, nourish them, treasure them—they are the most essential
partofyou.
Begoodtoyourselfandrememberthatthemostimportantpartofloveisnot
loving someone’s beauty and strength and virtue. The real test of love is when
someoneseesourweaknesses,ourstupidities,andoursmallnesses,andstillloves
us.Thisunconditionalloveiswhatwewantfromourlovers,andweshouldexpect
nolessfromourselves.
Remember,asyoulookatyourself,tolookkindly,andalsorememberthatyou
arenotbalancingacheckbook:anythingyouseethatyoudon’tlike,orthatyou
wanttochange,isnotadebitthatyousubtractfromyourvirtues.Whenyoulearn
to reflect on your strengths, it becomes easier to look at your weaknesses with
acceptanceandcompassion.Keepyourvirtuesattheirfullvalueandcherishthem.
Startbysettingyourselfthetaskofgettingthroughashortperiodoftimewith
yourjealousy,likeaneveningoranafternoonwhenyourpartnermaybeoffwith
another.Makeapactwithyourselfthatyouwillstaywithyourfeelings,whatever
theymaybe,forthisbrieftime.Ifawholeeveningornightseemsliketoolong,
start with five or ten minutes, then arrange to distract yourself with a video or
whatever.
ItMightBeEasierThanYouThought
Oneofthepossible,andindeedcommon,outcomeswillbethatyourpartnerwill
go off on a date with another and you will feel just fine. Surprise! Your
anticipation may have been a lot worse than the actual event. Experienced sluts
often find that they feel jealous only now and then. When they do experience
jealousy,theyexaminethosespecificexperiencestoseewhattheycanlearnabout
themselves and then brainstorm strategies to make that particular sort of event
saferandeasier.
Onecouplewetalkedtoisworkingtomaintaintheirrelationshipinadifficult
situation:oneofthemisoutoftownmostofthetimeonbusiness,andthusmuch
oftheiractivitywithotherpartnerstakesplaceundercircumstancesthatprevent
themfromreconnectingphysicallyafterward.Oneoftheiragreementsisthatthey
talkonthephoneeverysinglenight,regardlessofwheretheyareorhowbusythey
are. Often, their conversations take place after one of them has spent time
connecting with an outside partner. One of them notes their experience during
theseconversations:
Heallowsmyfeelings.Idon’thesitatetosayanythingIwant;infact,he
encouragesmeto.I’vefoundthatjustbeingallowedtosaythesethings,totalk
aboutmyjealousyandsadness,somehowdefusesthem.Theylosealotoftheir
powerbecausetheymeetnoresistancefromhim;hejustlistenstothemand
letsthembe.
FeelYourFeelings
Painful feelings, even the most intense of them, have a tendency to run their
courseifyouletthem,soaninitialstrategyistomakeyourselfascomfortableas
possible and wait. Find your jealous feelings—hurt or anger or whatever—and let
themflowthroughyou,likeariver.Yourmindmayberacingwithnastythoughts,
anger,orblame,focusingonsomedetailthatyou’reabsolutelycertainthoseother
people did wrong, believing that someone is taking advantage of you or riding
roughshod over your naked emotions, and obsessing over it. You hurt a lot, so
surelyitmustbesomebody’sfault!Butsometimesthereisgreatpain,andthereis
novillain.Allowustoreassureyou:weallgothroughthis.Don’tdieofshame,
justletthesethoughtsrunonthrough.
Make a commitment to take care of yourself in a kind way. Feelings, once
uncovered, can be better understood by befriending them. It is useful to have
scriptsandstrategiesforself-exploration.Journalwritingcanbeagoodwaytovent
feelingsandlearnaboutyourselfatthesametime.Itisokaytocoverpagesofyour
journalwith“FUCKFUCKFUCKIHATETHIS!”inbrightredink;ifthisfeels
goodtoyou,werecommendyougetanextra-largejournal.Trywritingdownyour
streamofconsciousness,whichmeanswhateveryoufindinyourheadwhetheror
notit makessense,and seewhatyouget.Treasures,jewelsofself-knowledge,are
oftenfoundhere.
“Makeacommitmenttotakecareofyourselfinakindway.”
You can get a big drawing pad and a set of oil pastels, which are crayons for
grown-ups. These big crayons encourage expression with bright colors and
discouragegettinghungupondetails.Sometimesyouwilldrawandgetsquiggles,
andthat’sgreat;thesmallestthingyoucanaccomplishwillhelpyouholdstillfor
awhileandrantincolor.Othertimes,youmaysurpriseyourselfwithadrawing
thatisprofoundlymeaningfultoyou.
Somepeopleliketoexpresstheirfeelingswiththeirbodiesandmightliketo
runorworkoutatthegymorcleanthekitchenordiginthegarden.Safetynote:
ifyourfeelingslikeintensephysicalexpression,youwillneedtokeepapieceof
yourmindalert;you’reheavilyadrenalizedandfeelstrongerthanyouactuallyare,
sogivealittleattentiontowhatyoucandowithoutinjury.
Tryfindingmusicthatfitsyourmood,angryorsadorfrantic,anddanceyour
feelingsout.Itcanalsobeverysatisfyingtogetacheapplastictennisracketand
beatupyourcouch:Kneelinfrontofthecouch,raisetheracketaboveyourhead,
andbringitdownwithallyourstrength.Keepyoureyesopen,imagineanything
onthecouchthatyouareangryatexceptyourself,andyell,loudly,howyoufeel.
Whenyouexpressyourself,yougettoknowyourselfbetterandworkoutsome
of the most intensestressconstructively.At the least,youcouldwindup with a
cleankitchen.
Tryfocusingonthefeelingsinyourbody:wheredoyoufeeltheseemotions,in
your throat, chest, gut? Turning your attention to the physical sensations can
intensify themandmightbring up tears,but they willmove on through ifyou
allowyourselftofeelthemonthephysicallevel.Ifragecomeswellingup,youcan
poundonapillow.Ifyoustarttocry,letitflow,rememberingthesenseofrelief
thatcomesafterexpressingintenseemotionintears.
Sometimesyouwilltryoutawayofventingyourangerandfindthatitmakes
youfeelworse.Makeyourselfasoothingcupofteaanddon’tdothatagain—it’s
notyourway.
Somepeoplehavetroubledoingthisbecausethey’vebeentaughtthatit’swrong
tofeelsorryforyourself.You’reallowedtofeelbadforanyoneelseyouknow,so
whyshouldn’tyoutakesometimetofeelbadforyourself?Thisishardandyou’re
struggling,sobekindtoyourself.
Newneurologicalstudiesshowsomethingreallyinteresting:fearcannotcoexist
with gratitude. So if you’re feeling scared or insecure, try remembering three
thingsyou’regratefulforandseeifanythingshifts.
EXERCISE:REASSURANCE
Here’sanexercise you can do with your partner to learn how to
takecareofeachotherevenwhentimesarehard.
Make a list of ten things your partner could do that would
reassureyou.
Avoidabstractions—focusonbehaviors,notemotions.“Loveme
more”isanemotionandthushardtoacton;howwillyouknow
thatyourpartnerlovesyoumore?“Bringmearose”isabehavior
thatanybodywith adollarcanperform. Write yourlistinprivate,
yourpartnercandothesame,andthenyoucangettogetherand
lookateachother’slists.
Thisassignmentmaybemorecomplicatedthanitsounds.Many
questions may come up in your mind: How could I ask for that?
Shouldn’tmypartneralreadyknow? IfI havetoaskforit,doesit
really count?Ifmypartnerloved me,wouldn’tthisbehappening
already?
Ifyou’rehaving thoughtslikethese,imaginewhat it mightfeel
like tobe asked for reassurance by your partner. Wouldn’t it feel
good to know how you could help? We can’t read each other’s
minds,butwedocare,andwecanhelponceweknowhow.
Who’stoBlame?
As you get skilled at finding and expressing your feelings, you can try a more
challenging task: see if you can write about or talk to your friend about your
feelings without blaming anybody—not your lover, not your lover’s lover, and
especiallynotyourself.Thisexerciseisnoteasy:youwillbesurprisedhowreadily
weallslipintothatblamingmode,butitisvery,veryworthwhiletolearntohave
yourfeelingswithoutfoistingthemonsomeoneelse.
Italsohelpstopayattentiontohowweattributeintention.“You’rejustdoing
thisbecauseyouwanttomakememad”—howoftendoyousupposethat’sactually
true?Wejustaboutnevermakeanybodymadonpurpose;theresultsareusually
unpleasant.It’seasytoinventotherpeople’sintentionsforthemtotrytomake
senseofwhatyou’refeeling…butitcanbeveryhardforthemtospeaktheirtruth
ifsomeone’saccusingthemofintentionstheyneverhad.
Onlywhenwe’reallwillingtoownouremotions,andletourloversandfriends
owntheirs,doesanyonehavethepowertochangeandgrow.
WhenYouAretheThirdParty
Alltheseideasabouttakinggoodcareofyourselfapplywhetheryouaresingleor
partnered, but those of us who live alone have to make special preparations to
avoid becoming isolated with our feelings. (We’ve written about this at much
more length in chapter 21, “The Single Slut.”) You need to reach out to close
friendsorperhapsgettoasupportgroupormunchinyourarea.Makeagreements
withfriendstolistentoeachother’sfeelings.Don’tforgettoplantimeforserious
communicationwiththepartnerinquestion.Beingsingle,orotherthanalive-in
partner,doesnotmeanyouwillneverfeeljealousyoranyotherdifficultfeelings.
Whenwearedatingbutnotlivingtogether,wemayhavetroublemakingtime
forseriousdiscussionsofourfeelings,ourdifferences,or,forthatmatter,howwe
each understand and appreciate the relationship we are having. To make time,
many people place a special value on actually sleeping together: the sharing of
coffee, the slow awakening, and even ordinary old breakfast. If each time you
connectwithyoursweetieisintendedtobehotandheavysex,itcanbehardto
make space for simple conversation, talking about feelings, hearing feelings,
gettingtoknowand appreciateeach other,gettingconnected. Ifyoudon’tsleep
together,trygettingtogetherforlunchorbrunchatsomeothertime,ormakea
datetohikeinthecountryoronabeach,orvisitabotanicalgardenoramuseum.
BabyYourself
When your emotions are overwhelming and chaotic, it can help to ask yourself
whetherthereisanythingyoucoulddothatwouldhelpyoufeeljustonetinybit
safer.Letgoofthe big picture:maybeit’stoobigtofigurethe wholethingout
right now. Take a few deep breaths, consciously relax some muscles, listen to
soothing music. Try wrapping yourself in a soft blanket. It may not seem like
much,butonceyoumanagetodoanythingthatimprovesyourloteventhelittlest
bit,youaremovingintherightdirectiontobuildsomeconfidencethatyoucan
learntodealwithyourjealousy.
Giveyourselfpermissiontotakegoodcareofyourselfwhileyoulearntowork
throughhardfeelings.Treatitliketheflu:nurtureyourself.Whatarethethings
you find comforting? Give them to yourself: hot chocolate, warm towels after a
longsoak,alongsessionwithyourmostbelovedmovieorcomputergame,your
favorite teddy bear? Effective self-nurturing often happens on the level of body
awareness, so nice physical experiences—massages, hot baths, skin lotion, flannel
pajamas—cangiveasenseofcomfortandsecurityevenwhenyourmindisanxious
andyourthoughtsareamess.Giveyourselfpermissiontotakethebestpossible
careofyourself.
Whenyouanticipatefeelingjealous,makeplanstooccupyyourtime.Itmaybe
toomuchtoaskthatyoualwayshaveahotdateatexactlythesametimeasyour
lover:mostpeople’sschedulesaretoocomplicated.Sowhatdoyoudowhenyour
partner’sdatecomesdownwiththeflu?Doyoucancelyourdate?Thepeopleyou
make these dates with might be counting on you, the time they have with you
mightbeimportanttothem.Thirdpartieshavearighttosomepredictabilityin
theirlives,too.
Butevenifyoucan’troundupahotdateforyourself,youcanprobablyfinda
friend to watch a movie with, talk obsessively (with due attention to
confidentiality,ofcourse),eatcookies,chewyourfingernails,dowhateverworks.
We do not recommend drinking and drugging, as getting high might very well
increase the intensity of your disturbance and disinhibit you enough that you
mightforgetyourcommitmenttoexperienceyourjealousywithoutactingonit.A
certainamountofescapismisfine,butifyouanesthetizeyourselfsothatyoufeel
nothingatall,youwilllosetheopportunitytodevelopskillsatdealingwiththe
feelingsyou’rehaving.
Acquiring these skills takes practice, like meditating or learning to skate. At
firstyoufeelstupidandwonderwhyyou’redoingit,anditdoesn’tworkverywell.
But if you practice taking good care of yourself, after a while your view of the
worldchangesalittle,anditbecomesamuchmorefriendlyandwelcomingplace,
becauseyou’vecreateditthatway.
EXERCISE:FIFTEENWAYSTOBEKINDTOYOURSELF
Writealistoffifteeneasythingsyoucandotobekindtoyourself:
forinstance,“Gotothestoreandbuymyselfaflower”or“Soakmy
feetinhotwaterandgivethemarub.”Sometimesithelpstoask
yourself:“WhatcouldIdotofeelalittlebitsaferorbetterortaken
careof?”Puttheitemsonyourlistonindexcards.Thenexttime
youfeelupsetandcoulduseakindness,pullacardanddowhatit
says.
ToughItOut
Whennobetterplanisavailable,thereisnothingwrongwithgrittingyourteeth,
bitingthebullet,andhanginginthereuntilit’sover.Dossieremembersherfirst
challengeaftershedecidedtoneverbemonogamousagain:
IhadbeencasuallydatingayoungmanandhadtoldhimatgreatlengththatI
wasnotavailableforpartneringandhadnointentionofeverbeing
monogamousagain.Hecameovertovisitatmyhomewhenmybestfriend
wasthere,weallgotalittlestoned,andhecameontoher.Shelikedhimand
didn’tknowIwasinvolvedwithhim,sotheystartedneckingrightinthemiddle
ofmylivingroom.Eeeek!MythoughtswentracingasIwatchedthem,thinking:
“Well,it’snotlikeIwanttomarryhim,andIdon’tthinkIfeellikejoiningthem,
andIdon’tthinkmyfriendisbisexualanyway,sowhatdoIdo?”MissManners
hassaidnothingontheappropriateetiquetteforthissituation.ForawhileIsat
frozen,totellthetruth,andfinallyIthoughttomyself,“Okay,sothere’sno
script,I’llhavetomakeoneup.WhatwouldIbedoingifmyfriendandmynew
loverweren’trollingaroundonthefloorwiththeirbraceslocked?”IguessedI’d
betakingnotesfromthetarotbookIwasreading,soIwentupstairsand
studied,grittingmyteeth.Focusingonmynotesgavemeatleastalittlereliefby
occupyingmymind.Eventuallytheyleft,andIgotthroughastrangeandlonely
night,notfeelingnecessarilygreat,butatleastproudofmyselfthatIhad
survived.Ifeltnotatalldamaged,reallyokay.WhatIgotagriponwasmyown
strength,so…funkyasitwas,thiswasmyfirstsuccessfulrunthroughjealousy.
GofortheIck
Here’s a good question to ask yourself as you seek to understand your jealousy:
“What are the specific images that disturb me the most?” Chances are you are
already imagining along these lines, so you’re not likely to make yourself feel
worsebythinkingaboutthescarystuffonpurpose.
Those disturbing images, the ones that really bother you, are not telling you
whatyourpartnerisdoing—youactuallydon’tknowwhatyourpartnerisdoing.
Whenwedon’tknowwhat’sgoingon,fewofusareabletojustsay,“Idon’tknow”
and stop thinking about it. We fill in the blanks and, to do that, we make
somethingup.Whatyouseewhenyoufillintheblankshasnothingtodowith
reality:itisyourfear.Sonowyouknowwhatyouareafraidofandknownothing
aboutwhatisreallyhappening.
Ourminds,likenature,abhoravacuum.Wegetnervous.Thinkofthelasttime
youwerewaitingforsomeonetoreturnacallorafamilymemberwassignificantly
latecominghome.Didyoucallthehighwaypatrol,sendoutfrantictexts,imagine
terriblepossibilities?Maybeyoucanmakeanagreementtocalleachotherbefore
youleavealover’shouseforthetriphome,justtohelppreventthiskindofworry.
One powerful way to come to terms with your fears is to acknowledge them:
“Yes,I’mafraidofthat.”Realityisalmostalwayslessterrifyingthanfiction,soyou
cancounteryourfearswithrealitytesting.
Pay attention also to your imaginings that are less dangerous, less anxiety-
ridden.Youmaybesurprisedtofindthatimaginingyourloverinthemidstofsex
withsomeoneelseislessscarythanyouthoughtitwouldbe,ormaybeimagesof
kissing bother you more than intercourse, or whatever. Try writing down your
imaginingsonindexcardsandthenputtingtheminorderfromthemosttothe
leastscary.
Then you will know what parts scare you the most and what the safer-feeling
partsare.Nowyouhavesomethingtoturnyourmindtowardthatwillhelpyou
feel a little bit safer, which is your first step on the road to becoming nearly
comfortable.
RemembertheGoodStuff
Makealistofeverythingyouvalueaboutyourrelationshipandputitasidefora
rainy day. Be an optimist, turn your mind to the positive end of things. Value
whatyouhaveandwhatyougetfromyourpartner:thetime,attention,andlove,
thegoodstuffthatfillsyourcup.Avoidbeingthepessimistwhofocusesonwhat
is not there, the energy that goes somewhere else. That energy is not subtracted
from what you receive; relationships are not balanced like checkbooks. So when
you are feeling deprived, remember all the good stuff you get from your
partnership.
EXERCISE:TREASURES
Makealistoftenormorereasonswhyyourpartnerisluckytohave
you.Putthelistinyourpocketandcarryitaroundwithyoufora
fewdays.
Makealistoftenormorereasonswhyyouareluckytohavethis
partner.
Maybe you and this partner could both make lists and share
them.
Sharing
Youandyourpartnersneedtopracticetalkingaboutjealousy.Acoupleweknow
tellusthattheyhavedevelopedaconventionintheirrelationshipthateachcan
asktheotherforwhattheycalla“jellymoment.”Inyourjellymoment,yougetto
say what’s bothering you. Perhaps you feel scared and jealous, nervous about
sayinggoodbyefortheweekend,smallandsilly,andyourkneesarefeelinglike,
well,jelly.Yourpartner’scommitmentistolisten,sympathize,andvalidate.That’s
theresponse:not“Okay,I’llcancelmydatewithBlanche,”but“Aw,honey,I’m
sorryyoufeelbad.Iloveyou,andI’llbebacksoon.”
When we tell our partners that we feel jealous, we are making ourselves
vulnerableinaveryprofoundway.Whenourpartnersrespondwithrespect,listen
tous,validateourfeelings,andsupportandreassureus,wefeelbettertakencareof
than wewould have ifnodifficulty hadarisen in the first place. Sowestrongly
recommendthatyouandyourpartnersgiveeachothertheprofoundlybonding
experienceofsharingyourvulnerabilities.Weareallhuman,weareallvulnerable,
andweallneedvalidation.
“When we tell our partners that we feel jealous, we are making ourselves
vulnerableinaveryprofoundway.”
Yourstrategiesforsurvivingperiodsofjealousywillstandyouingoodsteadfor
the rest of your life, and you will use what you learn about yourself from this
practice overandover.All of the techniques listedaboveareapplicable toother
difficult events, like job interviews and writing your resume. Now you have a
repertoire of ways to deal with bouts of jealousy; these tools will also help you
handleotherpainfulemotionsthatmaycomeyourway.Sowhenyougetthisfar,
congratulateyourself.Celebrateyoursuccesses:Write“Iamagenius”two dozen
timeswithlotsofbrightcolors.Buyyourselfsomethingnifty.You’vedonealotof
hardworkandyoudeserveareward.
ASpiritualPath?
Whenyougrowbeyondyourjealousybydoingthehealingthatyourjealousyis
calling on you to do, you’re also stepping out of old paradigms and familiar
assumptionsintotheunknown,whichisscary.Workingtochangeyouremotions
requiresthatyouopenup,bewillingtofeel,flinchingwhennecessary,becoming
more conscious. Isn’t that what spirituality is, an opened and expanded
consciousness?
Jealousy can become your path, not only to healing old wounds but also to
openheartedness—openingyourhearttoyourloversandtoyourselfasyouopen
your relationships to fit in all the love and sex and fulfillment that truly are
availabletoyou.
A final note about love: One remedy for the fear of not being loved is to
rememberhowgooditfeelstolovesomeone.Ifyou’refeeling unlovedand you
wanttofeelbetter,golovesomeoneandseewhathappens.
OnRomance
Oneofthewordspeopleusetotalkabouttheirrelationshipsisromantic. InDossie’stherapy
practice,sometimesaclientwillshrugoffanewconnection,saying,“Oh,that’snotaromantic
relationship.”It’snotawordeitherofususesmuch,sowesetofftofigureoutwhatitmeans.
Weaskedafewfriends.Whatwelearnedisthatromance,toalotofpeople,seemstohave
to do with the depth of emotion and commitment, and/or with plugging into a particular,
idealizedstory.Romance,formany,seemstomeanaparticularkindofnarrativeratherthana
kind of feeling. Think, for example, about the distinction that many people draw between
“romantic” relationshipsand “sexual” relationships:intheformer, there’sanimpliedtrajectory.
We’veallseenthis storyoverandover inbooksandmoviesandtelevision:boymeetsgirl (or
boymeets boyorgirl meets girl),there’s a date, there’sasecond date, there’sa thirddatein
whichsexishad,thereareunderstandingsandmisunderstandingsandgiftsandfunny/quirky
moments,andthenthere’sawedding,atwhicheachpartnerpromisesalifetimeof“cleaving
unto.”
Weseenothingatallwrongwithanyofthis,upuntiltheveryend.Veryfewofusevergotto
readstoriesinwhichthehappily-ever-afterincludedthree(orfourormore)people.Evenfewer
ever considered the possibility that they might wish to do one kind of, er, cleaving with one
person and another kind with another. Fewer yet learned that parting company and
rediscovering one another as friends or coparents or loving exes can be part of the story of
romance,too.
Becauseweall grew up surrounded by this storyin everythingfromfairytales toerotica, it
sometimescreatesexpectationsthatcaninterferewithyourgoalsasanethicalslut.Theone-
size-fits-all“romance”narrativecanleadyoutotrytoforceallyourrelationshipsintoit,whether
or not that story is a good fit for you, the real, nonfictional person in front of you, and the
relationshipyoucouldbuildtogether.
Soifyou’rethekindofpersonwhodreamsofasingleredroseandawalkonthebeachat
sunset,enjoythatlovelydream,andknowthatyoucanlearntodreamitwithdifferentdetails,
withdifferentpeople,inasmanywaysasyourimaginationandlibidocancarryyou.
16
EMBRACINGCONFLICT
Nothing builds intimacy like shared vulnerability. We’ll never discount all the
wonderfulthingsthatwegetfromsharinglove—laughterandhappinessandsex—
butnothingdeepensintimacyliketheexperienceswesharewhenwefeelflayed,
withourskinsoff,scaredandvulnerable,andourloversaretherewithus,willing
toshareinthescarystuff.Thesearethetimesthatbringustheclosesttogether.
What’sinItforYou?
Somepeoplefinditsurprising tolearnthataslut canexperienceoverwhelming
insecurities,butthetruthisthatslutsarejustasnervousasanyoneelse,andskills
toallayouranxietieswerenottaughttousinourcradles.
Your own freedom might turn out to be a lot easier to accept than your
partners’—orviceversa. Going outandstayinghome areseparatefunctions,like
eatingandcooking,eachwithitsownrewards,andeachrequiresspecificskillsto
accomplish.
“Nothingbuildsintimacylikesharedvulnerability.”
Whenproblemsarise,agoodquestiontoaskyourselfis“WhatamIhopingto
getoutofthissituation?”Whyareyoudoingallthishardworktobecomeaslut?
The answer depends on your own individual situation, but for many of us, the
payoffisourownfreedom,andwehavetolearntogivefreedomtoourpartnersif
we’regoingtogetitforourselves.
Givingandgettingfreedommeanswealsoneedtohavesomegoodwaystodeal
with the inevitable conflicts that will arise when strong emotions are at stake.
Therearelotsofgoodways.Startbycheckinginwithyourselfonwhatyoualready
know about conflict. You already have very strong ideas about this; you learned
them,literally,atyourparents’knees,orperhapswhilecringinginthecorner.
Studying the scripts you had to live by in your childhood will explain a lot
abouthowyoureacttoangerandconflicttoday.Asachild,youhadnochoices;
you had to fit in, somehow, to your family’s script. How did you keep yourself
safe?
Wasthisneveranissue?Peoplewhogrewupinhealthyfamiliesareoftenboth
easygoing and unafraid. The downside of growing up in an unusually healthy
familyisthatitcanbehardtounderstandwhyeverybodyelsegetssoscared.
Most people, though, learned to hide for their own safety or to fight back to
protectthemselvesortobecomesmallandpatheticsothatpeoplewouldtakepity
on them. If you have any of these responses to conflict—defensiveness, rage,
withdrawal,weepiness,whatever—itiscertainthatyoudevelopedthemforagood
reason.
Once you understand how you learned your reflexes, more choices open up.
Talk with your partners—what are their scripts? What’s going on when A really
wantstohearhowBfeels,onlyBistryingtogetsafebyhiding?Maybeyoueach
have different skills you learned about dealing with conflict. Maybe you could
learnnewonesfromeachother.
FightingFair
Thinkingabouthowintimatebondsarecementedbysharingvulnerablefeelings
bringsustoperhapstheultimateactofintimacy:fighting.Many peoplebelieve
thatfightingbetweenpartnersistobeavoidedatallcosts,butmostrelationship
therapists disagree. Fights between partners appear to be a universal experience:
notmanypeopleactuallyenjoythem,buttheyseemtobenecessary,aconstructive
elementinthebuildingofsolidrelationshipsandsupportinggrowthandchange,
likethefiresthatmakenewgrowthpossibleinoldforests.
Therehas tobe awaytocommunicateangerinalong-termrelationship, and
therehastobeawaytostrugglewithdisagreements.Firstyoumayneedtovent
someanger,whichwillincludefindingasafeandconstructivewaytoexperienceit
and release some of it. You’ll probably need to make agreements ahead of time
abouthowtodothis:Notatyourpartner?Notinfrontofthekids?Notbehind
thewheel?Notaftergettinghighordrinking?Whereisitsafeforeverybodyfor
youtogetreallyloud?
Theproblem,asweseeit,isnottoavoidfighting,buttolearntofightinways
thatarenotdestructive—physically,morally,oremotionally.Agoodfightisvery
differentfromabuse.Inagoodcleanfight,thereisrespectforsafetyandmutuality
sothatbothpeoplegettofullyexpresstheirfeelingsandcomeouttheotherend
strongerandcloserthanbefore:bondedbyfire,asitwere.
Theconceptof“fairfighting”wasfirstexpoundedbyDr.GeorgeR.Bachinhis
wonderful book, The Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage.
Published in 1968, the book is terribly outdated, but the material on
communicationanddetaileddescriptionsofconstructivewaystoshareyouranger
with a partner are priceless. You might also consider reading any of the books
listed in Further Reading. Whatever book you choose, reading a book together
with your partner will put you on the same page, with some of the same
information, and get you talking about how you communicate about what’s
importanttoyou.
Occasionally,youmaydecidetodismisssomethingthat’sbuggingyoubecause
itseemstootrivial.However,ifthatissuecomesintoyourmindthreetimes,itis
obviously still bothering you. Perhaps you could start a conversation with,
“There’sasmallthingthat’sbeenbotheringme.”
So,iffeelingsliketobeheard,andangerisafeelingthatcanbeveryhardto
hear,howcanweventangerwithoutcreatingmoretroublethanwerelieve?
Win-WinSolutions
A good fight starts with the understanding that for a fight to be successful,
everyonehastowin.Ifonepersonwinsafightandanotherloses,theproblemthat
caused the fight has not been resolved: it is naive to imagine that just because
you’ve“lost,”you’vegivenupyourinterestinwhateverissueisatstake.Whenyou
feel overpowered, outgunned, or shouted down, you will be resentful, and the
problem will go on being a problem. The only real way to win is to come to a
solutionwhereallparties concernedfeelthatthey have won.Soinagoodclean
fight, each person’s feelings get heardandconsidered, andsolutions aredecided
onbyagreement,notrhetorical“mightmakesright.”
We make a fight fair by agreeing on rules and limits and by respecting
everyone’s right to express their feelings and opinions, including our own. It is
usuallyhelpfultoscheduleatimetofightandmakeanagreementtodoso;itdoes
notpromoteconstructivehostilitiesifwewaylayourpartnerinthebathroomor
onthewayoutthedoortowork.Weneedtoschedulediscussionsatatimewhen
wecangivethemourfullattention.
Scheduling fights has the added advantage that you can prepare for them,
organizeyourthoughts,andknowyouhaveatimewhenthisparticularissuewill
bedealtwith.IfyoufeelupsetaboutthegrocerybillsonTuesdayandyouknow
you have a date to fight about it on Thursday, it’s pretty easy to put your stuff
asideuntilthen.Mostpeopledon’tputtheirstuffasideverywellwhenitseems
thattheirissueswillnevergetdealtwith.
“Whaddayamean,scheduleafight?Don’ttheyjusterupt,likevolcanoes?And
when we have a fight, we are not likely to obey any rules or respect any limits,
right? Aren’t we talking about intense emotional outbursts?” Well, yes, but we
don’tbelieveyoucansettleanyissueswhenyouareinanintenseemotionalstate.
Whenyourfeelingserupt,itisimportanttoacknowledgethemandpayattention.
However awkwardly you may be expressing yourself, this is your truth; you
obviouslyfeelstronglyaboutit,soit’sanimportanttruth.
Triggering
Howisitthatwesometimesgettriggeredintoverystrongemotions,particularly
at times of intimate conflict? We all do it; it’s not just you. Dossie recalls at
nineteenhavingpanicattacksthatseemedtocomeoutofnowhere—untiloneday
she noticed that something had moved fast near her face. Her father had been
pronetosuddenburstsoftemperaccompaniedbyahardslapacrosstheface,and
Dossierealizedthatwheneversomethingmovedsuddenlynearherface—evenher
lover—somepartofherbelievedthatshewasabouttogethit.Oncesheunderstood
this,shebecameabletolookaroundandseethatnothingwasthreateningherin
thepresent,andthesepanicattacksdisappeared.
New research into brain functioning has given us a lot of very useful
information about howtriggering works on the physiological level. We have an
organcalledtheamygdalathatdoesthejobofrememberingsituationsassociated
withstrongemotions,bothpleasurableandterrifying,andsettingusintoaction.
Themostfamiliarformofthisphenomenonisitsgreatestextreme,theflashbacks
experiencedbyabusesurvivorsandcombatveterans.
The amygdala has a direct line to the pituitary gland and can set off our
emergencyresponsesystemsbeforeourintellectscancatchup.Adrenalinepours
into our bloodstream, norepinephrine floods our synapses, our cells release all
theirsugarsintoourveinstogiveusenergytofightortorunawayfromtigers.
Our entire system gets hijacked by chemical reactions, and everything instantly
feels terribly, terribly urgent. Triggering is particularly common,and intense, in
intimatearguments,where allof the oldtriggers welearnedas children mayget
stimulated. To complicate matters, many of us have learned for one reason or
anothertosuppressourfeelings,soweareoftentriggeredwithoutevenknowing
whathappenedorwhy.
Thefirstthingtorecognizeisthatnothingcangetresolvedinthisadrenalized
state. The flight or fight responses to adrenaline give us tremendous energy to
surviveacrisisbutnotverymuchinthewayofcommonsense.
But two things happen during this physiological stress response that we can
learn to use. The first is that if we can occupy ourselves for fifteen or twenty
minutes without restimulating the stress reflex, our physiology will return to
normalandwewillreturntosanity.Theprocessoftakingatime-outtogetcalm
againisdescribedbelow.
Betteryet,everytimewesucceedinspendingthatfifteenminutestakingcareof
ourselves in the kindest way we can muster, we actually physically heal our
amygdalas—by growing more integrating fibers that deliver soothing
neurotransmitters—andthusweincreaseourcapacitytosootheourselvesinacrisis
everytimewemanageit.Sopractice,practice,practicebeingkindtoyourself.
Here’showtotakeatime-outwhenyouorapartnergetstriggered.Findaway
tostopandseparate.Then,findanurturingwaytotakecareofyourselfforabout
fifteenminuteswithoutretriggeringyouremergencysystem,untilyouradrenaline
getsbacktonormal,andyoufeelrelativelycalm.
Therearesomeagreementsyouwillneedtonegotiatebeforehandwitheachof
yourpartners.First,everyoneshouldunderstandthatatime-outisabsolutelynot
aboutwhosefaultthisis.Ifwhatyou’redoingortalkingaboutiswhattriggered
the emergency overload, then both of you need to stop doing that to stop the
adrenaline.Stoppingcanbedifficult:someoneisalmostcertaintofeelabandoned,
cutoff,interrupted,orunheard.Remember,thisisforfifteenminutes,notforever.
Sinceyouwillprobablyneedtobeatleastinseparateroomsforafewminutes,a
priordiscussionastowhatroomeachofyoumightwanttobeinisagoodidea.
Whereareyourcomputers,yourbooks,yourreadingchairs?Ifsomeonelikesto
listentomusicorwatchtelevision,areheadphonesneededtoprovidequietforthe
other?Ifsomeoneneedstogooutside,it’susefultoagreeonaphonecallwithin
twentyminutestocheckinandmakesureeverybody’sallright.
Somepeoplelike toagree onasafewordtocallatime-out;maybe time-out or
perhapsredormaybesomethingsillythatmighthelpdefusetheanger.
Ifyouhavekidsandtheyarehome,whowillberesponsibleforthem?Children
may get nervous or want reassurance when the adults fight, which is in no way
wrong.Buttheymightfeelneedyorclingyatatimewhenyou’dratherbefreeto
focusonyourownneeds.
Makeanagreementtohonoratime-outwithsilence.Tryingtogetinonemore
thoughtislikelytotriggeranotheradrenalinereleaseandprolongtheproblem.
You’ll want to talk these things over with your partner to plan your initial
practicetime-out.Thenlookforanoccasiontopractice.Trycallingatime-outover
anissuethatisonlyalittlebitdisturbing,justforpractice.
Whenyoufeelyourmostfamiliaruncomfortableemotionsflaringupandyou
recognizeyou’rebeing triggered—perhapsatthe levelofirritationorfrustration,
perhapsrageorgrief—callatime-out.Strongemotionsoftenappearveryfastand
can be hard to predict, so as soon as you remember the option when you start
beingfloodedwithfeelings,callatime-out.
Wrenchyourselvesoutoftheconversationandgotoyouragreed-uponplaces.
Do whatever you’ve thought might be calming and not retriggering. Take a few
deepbreathsandremembertoexhalethoroughly;reducingthecarbondioxidein
your lungs will help the adrenaline subside. We like activities that occupy the
mind—neitherofyourauthorshasmuchluckwithmeditatingwhenwe’refeeling
triggered;ifyoucandoit,goforit,butdon’tputyourselfdownifyoucan’tempty
your mind right now. We tend to turn to a novel or magazine, surfing the
Internet,solitaire,music,ormaybeanoldmovie.Trytosteerclearofthingsthat
createmoreadrenaline:becarefulof“shoot-’em-up”games,onlinearguments,or
music with violent lyrics. Some people do very well with dancing out anger to
raging hip-hop, while others find it too stimulating. You will learn from
experiencewhatworksforyou.
Youmightwanttowriteoutyourfeelings,ordrawthem.Thequalityoftheart
is irrelevant; this is for you. One of your authors has journal sessions that start
with frankly insane projections complete with terrible accusations and gradually
growintoaremarkablynonjudgmentalinvestigationofwhatsheandherpartner
werefightingabout,sometimesendingwithnewinsightsaboutwhatupsetherso
much.
Afterfifteenminutes,checkinwithyourself—areyoufeelingbetter?Yourtime-
outscouldtakelongerthefirstfewtimesuntilyoulearnwhatworksforyouand
gainsomeconfidenceinyourprocess.
Whenyouarereadytocomebacktogether,dosomethingeasyandcomforting.
Goforawalkinapark,getyourfavoritetakeout,cooksomethingtogether,watch
avideoinacompanionableway.Makeanappointmenttoresumethediscussion
thattriggeredthetime-out.
Theprocessofatime-outisseldomelegant,pretty,orevenremotelyresembling
okay. We need to take time-outs when we are emotionally overwhelmed and
definitely not at our best. Be ready to forgive each other for being human. Be
ready to forgive yourself. The results are well worth it when you come back
togetherreadyforharmonyandunderstanding.
I-Messages
Good communication begins with everybody talking about their feelings, long
before they get to discussing the pros and cons of any solutions. Good
communicationisbasedonidentifyingourfeelings,expressingthem,andgetting
validationthatourpartnerhearsandunderstandswhatwearesaying,whetheror
nottheyagree.Emotionsarenotopinions,theyarefacts—truthsaboutwhatpeople
areexperiencing.
Try speaking in sentences that begin with “I feel.” There is an enormous
difference between “you are making me feel so bad” and “I feel so bad.” The I-
messageisapurestatementoffeeling,andthereisnoaccusationinit.Whenyour
loversdon’tfeelattackedanddon’tneedtofeeldefensive,theyarefreetolistento
what you’re actually saying. Conversely, if your sentence starts with “you,” and
especiallywith“youalways,”yourpartnermaywellperceiveanattackandrespond
defensively.
“Emotions are not opinions, they are facts—truths about what people are
experiencing.”
Thewords “I feel”then needto be followed with anemotion—sad,mad, glad,
angry—or a physical feeling like queasy, tense, wound-up, shaky. Messages that
beginwith“Ifeelthat”moreoftenexpressabeliefthanafeeling,asin“Ifeelthat
weshouldnotbeenjoyingsomuchsex,”oracovertyou-message,like“Ifeelthat
youarecrazy.”Weareoftentemptedtodescribeouremotionsinwordsthatend
in“-ed,”asin“Ifeeljudged/attacked/betrayed.”Thisisacovertyou-message:“You
arejudging/attacking/betrayingme.”
Mostofusresentitwhenanotherpersontellsushowwefeel—whetherornot
theyarecorrect,itisaviolationofourboundarieswhenanotherpersonpresumes
totelluswhatourinnertruthis.Tryaskingarespectfulquestion.“Howareyou
feelingrightnow?I’mwonderingifyou’resad.”
Wecan’taskourloverstoholdstillwhileweslingaccusationsatthem,using
them as a target for our frustrations; that would be asking them to consent to
beingabused,andtheywouldberighttoresist.Butwecanaskthemtolistento
how we feel, because putting aside their own agendas for a few minutes and
listeningtoourfeelingsisadoabletask.TolearnhowtouseI-messages,trytalking
aboutanissuethatiscurrentforyouwithouteverusingthewordyou,andwithout
talking about what anyone else is doing but only about your own feelings. This
techniquetakesalittlepracticebutislessdifficultthanitmayseematfirst.
Whenit’syourturntolistentohowyourloverfeels,putyourselfinlistening
mode.Remember,feelingsliketobeheardandvalidated,sodon’tanalyzeortryto
explainthings.Justlisten,andyoumaybesurprisedtohearsomethingyoudidn’t
know. You can learn how the world looks from someone else’s shoes, you can
appreciatethatperson’sfeelings,andyoucanvalidatethatperson’spositionand
express understanding. Then the solutions can flow more freely and more
naturally. There are no wrong solutions and no right ones—only the agreements
thatfitwellwithhowweallfeel.
EXERCISE:FEELINGSDYAD
Thepurposeofthisexerciseistospeakaboutyourownfeelingsin
suchawaythatyourpartnercanhearyouandtolistencarefullyto
your partner’s feelings. Each person gets three minutes to speak
whiletheotherlistens.
Chooseatimewhenyouandyourpartner(s)canspendhalfan
hourorforty-fiveminuteswithnointerruptions.Choosewhowill
speakfirstandwhowilllisten.Setatimerforthreeminutes.
Feelingsliketobeheard.Sowhileyouarelistening,allyouare
goingtosayarethingsthatindicatelistening,like“Okay,”“Yes,”“I
hearyou,”and“Iunderstand.”
Read about I-messages, earlier in this chapter. Remember that
wecanaskourbelovedstolistentoustalkaboutourfeelingsand
howwearedoing.It’snotfairtoaskanyonetostandstillandbea
target for accusations and blame, so for this exercise, sentences
beginningwith“You”areoutofbounds.
Both of you should try to maintain eye contact during this
exercise.
Trythisasasafewaytotalkaboutjealousy;youcanuseitlater
todiscussanyemotionalsituations.Hereisascriptyoucanfollow:
Listener:“Aboutjealousy,whatwouldyouliketotellme?”
Speaker: “When I look inside, I find…” (speaking as long as is
comfortable).
Listener(throughout):“Yes.”“Ihearyou.”“Okay.”“Uh-huh.”(and
soon).
Listener(whenSpeakerstops):“Isthereanythingelseyou’dlike
totellmeaboutthat?”
Speaker(maycontinue,orsay):“No.I’mthroughfornow.”
Listener:“Thankyou.”
Listenerswilloftenfindthemselvesfullofideas,suggestions,and
soon,whichtheyneedtokeeptothemselves.Putyourownideas
aside forthese few minutes and payattentiontowhat it’slike to
just focus on listening. Because you may be full of responses to
whatyouhaveheard,wesuggestwaitingabitordoingsomething
elsebeforeswitchingroles.
These are intimate conversations. Show your appreciation to
yourpartnerforbeingbraveenoughtotalkaboutthesestruggles.
Hugsworkgreat.
HelpIsAvailable
You don’t have to do all this on your own—many wonderful books, classes,
workshops,andotherresources are available. It’s a good idea to put aside some
time and energy to learn about communication and to do it with the person
you’retryingtocommunicatewith.
Manyexcellentweekendworkshopsfocusoncommunicationforcouples;some
churchesofferweekend marriage retreats,andsome medical centers offer classes
forcouplesincommunicationandangermanagement.Workshopsandclassesare
worthattendingeveniftheydon’tspecificallyaddresssluttery.We’veneverknown
a couple who went to a communication or intimacy workshop and didn’t gain
some goodnewskills andinsightsfromit.Someworkshops existspecifically to
work on issues arising from nonmonogamy. Don’t hesitate to take these
workshops, and remember that the facilitator has expertise in creating safe
environments to explore highly charged issues. Many couples repeat these
workshopswhenanewissuehasarisenintheirlives.Weencourageyoutotakea
class or a workshop; if money is a problem, some workshops offer discounted
admissioninexchangeforhelpwithlogisticsandphysicaltasks.Justknowingthat
othersstrugglewithsomeofthesameissuesthatyoudocanhelp.
Support,ideas,andinformationcanalsobefoundthroughin-personandonline
groupsandtribes.Seechapter19,“MakingConnection,”forideasonhowtofind
these.
A more expensive but still excellent option is to do some sessions with a
couples’ counselor. In general, we recommend this as a second-level alternative,
after you’ve already done some classes and workshops, unless you have privacy
concernsthatmakeclassesandworkshopsdifficultforyou.
Screenanyoftheseresourcesaboutwhetherthey’llbeacceptingofyouropen
relationship.Someold-fashionedpsychologists,andtheleadersofsomeworkshops
and retreats, may believe that your lust for many people is a symptom of
psychologicaldisturbance;youmaynotfeeladequatelysupportedinsuchahostile
environment. If you need help finding a sympathetic therapist or group, try
askingyourfriendsorchecking“polyamorycounselors[nameofyourlocation]”
inyourfavoritesearchengine.Mosttherapistsnowhavewebsiteswheretheylist
theirskillsandexperienceandsomethingabouttheirphilosophy:youcanemail
them to ask what their experience is in working with relationships that are not
monogamous.
Westronglyrecommendthatyouinvestigatethesetypesofhelpsoonerrather
thanlater.Justabouteveryonecanuseanoccasionalcommunicationsskillstune-
up, and if you wait until your relationship is in crisis, you’ll face much harder
workthanifyou’dbeenpracticingyourskillsallalong.
TimeIsYourFriend
In some cultures it is customary to wait several minutes after a person speaks
before responding: it is rude and disrespectful to fail to think about what the
person has said, and to speak immediately would indicate that you have simply
beenwaitingforthespeakertobequietsothatyoucanthenattempttochangehis
orhermind.Werecommendtakingsometimebeforerespondingtoanyserious
communication, especially when it’s important to the speaker. Often, when you
deliberatelyslowdowncommunication,you’llhearsomethingnew.
Peoplefrequentlyapproachadisagreementasifitwereurgentthatitberesolved
right away. They strive for a resolution within minutes of discovering that they
don’tagreeaboutsomething—somethingthattheyhaveinfactneveragreedon.
Butyou’veprobablybeenlivingwiththatdisagreementforalongtime,anda
little while more is not going to make a lot of difference. Thus, consider this
strategy: acknowledge the disagreement, give each of you a chance to state your
feelingsusingtheprinciplesyou’velearnedinthischapter,andthentaketwodays
todigestwhatyou’velearned.
Whenyoureturntodiscussthedisagreement,youwillprobablybeinamuch
calmermode.Youmayhaveaclearerunderstandingofwhatisimportanttoyou
andanappreciationofwhatisimportanttoyourbelovedandwhy.Thusyoumay
find yourself in a much better state to negotiate a solution that might make
everyonehappy.
Or after two days, maybe it will have become so easy that you won’t need a
specialscripttocometoanagreement.Remember,whereemotionsareconcerned,
timeisyourfriend.
WritingItOut
Sometimesourfeelingsaresocomplicatedthatitseems impossibletodealwith
them in face-to-face conversation with our beloveds. Under such circumstances,
youmaywanttowriteathoughtfullettertoletyourhoneyknowtheentiretyof
yourconcernsinameasuredwaythatcanbeabsorbedandprocessedattheirown
pace.Thiscorrespondenceisn’tasubstituteforactualconversation,butitcanbea
goodprecursortoit,awaytoopenupthediscussionthatmayfeelabitsafer.
Itisvital,however,thatyousendthisletteronlyafteryou’vehadtimetothink
aboutit.Thedownsidetocorrespondenceisthatitcan’tconveyallthefinepoints
of communication—facial expression, body language, touch. The upside is, or
should be, that a letter can be composed carefully, without undue emotional
overload.Ifyouclick“Send”ordroptheenvelopeintothemailboxbeforeyou’ve
had a chance to think about its contents, you’re taking on all the downside
withoutanyoftheupside.
Start by writing a letter you’re not going to send, expressing all your feelings
and concerns. Janet keeps letters like this in the “Drafts” folder of her email
program; Dossie writes them in her word processing program and pastes them
intoanemaillater.Writeoutallyourfeelings,lettinggoofanyworriesabouthow
yourpartnermayrespondsoyoucanexpressyourselffully.Thenclosethefileand
godosomethingelse.Comebackandaddstuff(oreditthingsout)foracoupleof
days,andthencheck whatyou’vewritten,makingsureyou’re owningyourown
stuffandusingI-messages.Weusuallydeletesentencesthatbeginwiththewords,
“You shithead.” Later, when you can read the message and imagine your friend
trulyunderstandingwhateveryouaredisturbedabout,it’stimetosendit.
We hope we do not have to remind you that your blog or your social media
pageoryourprivateemaillistofafewdozenveryintimatefriendsisnottheplace
torehearsethisprivatecorrespondence.Strugglewithityourself—or,ifthatseems
impossible,perhapsyoucanrunitpastonetrustedfriend,someonewhowouldbe
acceptabletoyourloverstoo,tomakesureyou’resayingwhatyou’retryingtosay.
Dossiewrotesuchaletterrecentlytoaloverofhers.Shewrotethefirstdraftata
timewhenshewasterriblyupset,onaFriday.Shewasbusyovertheweekendbut
managedtorevisitherletterfromtimetotime.ByMonday,theissueswerestill
therebut,aftersomeprocessing,seemedmoremanageable,soshecalledherfriend
onthephoneandtheytalked…andresolvedtheissuesquiteeasilyandpeacefully.
Theletternevergotsent.
OwningWhat’sYours
Whenyouarewillingtoownyourdistress,itbecomespossibleforyourloverto
comfortyou,toofferyoureassuranceandlovewhenthingsarehard.Evenwhen
youdon’tagreeabouthowyouaregoingtohandleanissue,youcanstillexchange
love and comfort. We recommend that everyone be open about asking for
reassurance,love,hugs,comfort,andstufflikethat.Manyofusgrewupinfamilies
whereweweretaughtnottoaskforwhatweneededand,ifwedid,werescornedas
onlywantingattention.
“Whenyouarewillingtoownyourdistress,itbecomespossibleforyourloverto
comfortyou.”
So what’s wrong with wanting attention? Isn’t there plenty? Remember about
starvationeconomies:Don’tshortchangeyourself.Youdonothavetobecontent
with little dribs and drabs of comfort, attention, support, reassurance, and love.
Yougettohaveallyouwant.Youandyourintimatescansetyourselvesuptoshare
lotsandlotsandlotsand,intheprocess,learnhowmuchmoreyouhavetoshare
thanyoueverthought.Sofocusonabundance,andcreatearelationshipecology
richinthegoodthingsoflife:warmthandaffectionandsexandlove.
17
MAKINGAGREEMENTS
Most successful relationships, from casual acquaintanceship through lifetime
monogamy, are based on assumptions that are really unstated agreements about
behavior:youdon’tkissyourmailman,youdon’ttipyourmother.Thesearethe
unspokenruleswelearn very early in ourlives fromour parents,ourplaymates,
andourcultures.Peoplewhobreaktheseunspokenrulesareoftenconsideredodd,
sometimes even crazy, because the values and judgments behind the social
agreementsabouthowwerelatetooneanotheraresodeeplyingrainedthatweare
usuallynotevenawarethatwehavemadeanyagreementatall.
In many day-to-day relationships, like your relationships with neighbors and
coworkers, it’s probably fine to rely on those implicit, built-in agreements. But
when you’re trying something as complicated and unprecedented as ethical
sluthood,wethinkit’sveryimportanttotakenothingforgranted.Talkwiththe
people in your life about your agreements, and negotiate the conditions,
environments, and behaviors that will get your own needs met and respect
everybody’sboundaries.
You’ll often hear people talking about the rules of their relationships. But
“rules”impliesacertainrigidity,thatthereisarightwayandawrongwaytorun
your relationship and that there will be penalties if you do it wrong. We
understandthattherearemanydifferentwaysthatpeoplemaychoosetorelateto
each other, so we prefer to use the word agreements to describe mutually agreed-
upon,consciousdecisions,flexibleenoughtoaccommodateindividuality,growth,
and change. These agreements are sometimes a little fuzzy, particularly if you’re
used to the hard edges of rules. A little fuzziness is okay: your agreement will
eithergetclarifiedlaterifitneedstobe—oritwon’t,inwhichcaseit’sprobably
clearenough.
How do youknow when youneedanagreement?Youcantellbylistening to
youremotions.Ifsomethingcomesup thatleaves youfeeling upset orangryor
invisibleorwhatever,that’sanareainwhichyouandyoursweetiemayneedto
discussmakinganagreement.Wesuggestthatyouletgorightnowoftheideathat
youcanpredict everysinglesituation thatmightcome upin yourrelationships
andmakearuletocoverit.Manyperfectlygoodagreementsgetmadebytwenty-
twentyhindsight:aproblemcomesup,and,insteadofarguingoverwhosefaultit
was,thepeopleinvolvedsimplymakeanagreementtotrytopreventthatproblem
fromcomingupagainortodealwithitwhenitdoes.
OurfriendsLaurieandChrisbecameextraordinarilyflexibleagreementmakers
throughpracticingalot:
WemetattheRenaissanceFaireandconnectedrightaway.Althoughwedidn’t
feelreadytojumpintomarriagerightoff,wedidgethandfasted[anancient
Celticriteofromanticcommitment]aboutfivemonthsafterwemet.Our
handfastingincludedanagreementthatifwestillwantedtobetogetherayear
andadaylater,we’dgetmarried.Andwedid.
Whenwefirstdecidedtogethandfasted,Chrisproposedanagreementin
whichwe’dbefreetobesexualwithotherpeopleduringFairebutatnoother
time.Lauriefeltshockedbyhisdesiretodothisandinsecureaboutwhatmight
happen.Sowedecidedtopostponeadecisionuntilthenextsummer’sFaire,
afterwe’dgottenmarried.
Duringthefirstyearofourmarriage,theagreementwasforFaireonly,and
thenafterthatweextendedittotheweekendpreparatoryworkshopsaswellas
toFaireitself.Atoneofthese,Lauriemetaguywithwhomshegotfairly
seriouslyinvolved—itwasourfirstongoingrelationshipoutsidethemarriage.At
thatpoint,thingsopenedupallthewaytowhereLauriewasspendingalotof
hertimewithherotherlover,andChrisdidn’tlikeitmuch;hefeltthathewasn’t
gettingenoughtimewithLaurie.
Sowerenegotiated.Wedecidedthateitherofuscouldsleepoverwith
anotherpartnertwiceamonth.Wefeltthattwiceamonthwasoftenenough
forfunbutnotsooftenastoencourageathreateninglystrongbondwith
someoneelse.That’sbeenworkingprettywellforawhile,althoughwe’ve
compromisedonacase-by-casebasisatimeortwo.
We’restillworkingoutthebugs—amongotherthings,we’rehopingto
becomeparentsprettysoon,andwe’renotsurehowababywillaffectour
relationship.Butouragreementshavealwaysbeenatleasttolerable,andat
timesthey’veofferedareliefvalvethat’skeptusfromfleeingtherelationshipin
terror!
Inthetwentyyearssincethisinterview,LaurieandChris’schildrenhavegrown
intoteenagerhood,andthetwoofthemarestilltogetherandstillhappilyslutty.
Consent
Sowhatconstitutesagoodagreement?Inouropinion,thesinglemostimportant
hallmarkofagreementisconsent,whichwedefineasanactivecollaborationforthe
pleasureandwell-beingofallconcerned.Inthecaseofpolyamory,thismeansthat
weconsiderthefeelingsofpeoplenotdirectlyinvolved—otherpartners,children,
andotherpeoplewhoselivesareaffectedbyouragreements—andobtainconsent
whennecessary.
We want to remind you that there is absolutely no way to make a list of
agreements that will cover every contingency and are so clear they can never be
misunderstood.Whendifficultiesarise,werecommendspendingaslittletimeas
possible trying to figure out what went wrong. Instead, invest your energy in
figuringoutwhatyou’regoingtodonext.
“Wedefineconsentasanactivecollaborationforthepleasureandwell-beingof
allconcerned.”
Definingconsentcansometimesbetricky.Ifsomeoneconsentsunderpressure,
we don’t think that meets the “active collaboration” criterion. And you can’t
consenttosomethingyoudon’tknowabout:“Well,youdidn’tsayIcouldn’tflyto
Boise for two weeks with this flight attendant I just met” does not constitute
consent.
To achieve this kind of active consent, everyone involved must accept
responsibilityforknowingtheirownfeelingsandcommunicatingthem—butthis
isn’t always easy. Sometimes feelings don’t want to be pulled to the surface and
examined; you may simply know that you feel bad. Give yourself the time and
supportyouneedtogettoknowthatfeeling,perhapsusingsomeofthestrategies
wediscussinchapter15,“RoadmapsthroughJealousy.”Ifyoufeelyouneedhelp
in defining what’s going on for you, it’s okay to ask for that help, possibly by
asking a partner or a friend who understands multiple relationships to devote
sometimetohearingyouout.Physicalorverbalreassuranceoftenmakesahuge
difference,andsometimesawisefriendortherapistcanasktherightquestionsto
help you untangle a complicated feeling. Once you start listening to your own
feelings,you’llhaveamucheasiertimegettingyourneedsanddesiresoutthere
whereeverybodycanhearthemandmakeagreementstohelpmeetthem.
Manyofusneedsomesupportinaskingforwhatwewant.Weneedtofeelsure
thattheneedswerevealwillnotbeheldagainstus.Wemayfeelprettyvulnerable
in and around our emotional limits, so it’s important to recognize that these
limitsarevalid:“Ineedtofeelloved,”“IneedtofeelthatI’mimportanttoyou,”
“Ineedtoknowthatyoufindmeattractive,”“Ineedyoutolistenandcareabout
mewhenIfeelhurt.”
Blaming, manipulation, bullying, and moral condemnation do not belong in
the agreement-making process. The process of making a good agreement must
includeacommitmentfromallconcernedtolistentooneanother’sconcernsand
feelings in an open-minded and unprejudiced way. If you are waiting for your
partner to reveal a weakness so that you can exploit it as ammunition to “win”
yourargument,youarenotreadytomakeasatisfactoryagreement.
Legalistic hairsplitting is another enemy of good agreements. We know one
couple whose agreement was that either of them would let the other one know
withintwenty-fourhoursiftheyweregoingtohavesexwithsomeoneelse.Oneof
themcalledtheotheronefromanothercitytoletherknowthathe’dhadsexthe
night before. “But you said you’d give me twenty-four hours’ notice!” she cried
angrily. “I never said twenty-four hours before,” he pointed out. This loophole-
findinglegalisticbehaviorleftneitherindividualfeelingthattheiragreementhad
workedforthem.Themoral:beclear,bespecific,andaboveall,negotiateingood
faith;thisisnotaboutcheatinganymore.
Agreementsneedtoberealisticandclearlydefined—ifyou’renotsurewhether
you’re keeping an agreement, it may be time to redefine that agreement. It is
unrealistic, for example, to ask your partners never to enter into sexual
interactions with people that they care about “too much.” There is no way to
define“toomuch,”andfewofusconceiveofoursluttyutopiaasaworldinwhich
youareonlyallowedtosharesexwithpeopleyoudon’tcareaboutatall.Noneof
uscantruthfullyagreetofeelonlythiswayorthatway:ouragreementsneedto
have room in them for real emotions, whatever they may be. A more concrete
agreementwouldbetolimitoutsidedatestoonceamonth,whichmightservethe
samepurpose.
Agreementsdonothavetobeequal.Peoplearedifferentandunique,andwhat
pushesmybuttonsmightbeperfectlyokaywithyou.Soonepartnermaywantto
hearallthe graphicdetailsabout whatasweetie doeswiththeir other lover—but
whenthetablesareturned,thesweetiewantsnomoredetailabouttheirpartner’s
outside engagements than absolutely necessary. One person might find it very
important that their partner not stay out overnight, whereas said partner might
actuallyenjoyanoccasionalopportunitytowatchthelatemovieallaloneandeat
crackersinbed.
Onefriendofourssays:
BillandIhaveverydifferentneedswhenitcomestorelationships.Ifeelnoneed
tobemonogamous;I’mquitecomfortablehavingsexwithpeopleIlike,but
they’renotaffairsoftheheart—whereashissexualconnectionsareeithervery
casual,likeatparties,orverydeepandlongterm.We’veformedagreements
thatmeetbothourneeds—mineforfriendlypartners,hisforlong-term
secondaryrelationships.
When thinking about agreements for an open relationship, most people start
outbylistingwhattheirpartnershouldn’tdo:don’tkissheronthemouth,don’t
treathimbetterthanyoudome.Some“thoushaltnots”arenecessary:agreements
needtobemade,forexample,aboutsexualconnectionswithrelatives,neighbors,
and coworkers. But many negative agreements are really about protecting your
partner from feeling hurt or jealous; we’re not big fans of these, although we
recognizethattheysometimeshavetheirplaceasanintermediatestep.Wethink
thatthebestagreementstoprotectyourpartnerfromemotionalpainarepositive
ratherthanrestrictive:let’s have aspecial datenextweekend, I will findtimeto
listentoyouwhenyouhurt,I’lltellyouhowmuchIloveyouagainandagain.
“Fairnessmeanswecareabouthoweachpersonfeelsandmakeagreementsto
helpallofusfeelasgoodaspossible.”
Everyoneneedsasenseofemotionalsafetytosucceedatfeelingsecureinopen
relationships, but thinking up agreements that will help both partners feel
emotionallysafecanbeconfusing.Intheprocessofunlearningjealousywewillall
atsometimebeaskingourpartnerstotakesomerisk,toagreetofeelsomepainful
feelings, to fall down a few times to learn how to ride the emotional bicycle of
trulyfreelove.
EXERCISE:EIGHTSTEPSTOWIN-WINCONFLICTRESOLUTION
1. Taketimeouttoventilateanger.
2. Selectoneissuetoworkon.
3. Makeanappointmenttotalk.
4. Takethreeminuteseachtostatehowyoufeelwhileyourpartner
listens.Hint:UseI-statements,avoidyou-messages,andconsider
allowingsometimeandachangeofactivitiesbetweeneach
person’sstatement,soyoucanrefocusawayfromwhatever
responsestoyourpartneryou’vethoughtupandtalkaboutyour
ownissues.Tryashardasyoucantodescribeyouremotions
abouttheissue.
5. Brainstorm.Writealistofallpossiblesolutions,evensillyones.
6. Editthelist.Crossoutanysuggestionsthateitherpersonfeelsthey
couldnotlivewith.
7. Chooseasolutiontotryforaspecificperiodoftime—perhapstwo
tofourweeks.
8. Reevaluatewhenthattimeisup.
One way you can make agreements to respect emotional limits is to ask for
whatevermightmakeyoufeelalittlebitsafer—reassurance,compliments,affection,
aspecialritualforhomecomingafteradate—andthenwhenthatworksandyou
feelalittlesafer,takeanothersteptowardevenmoresafety,andsoonyouwillfeel
safeenoughtoexpandyourexplorationsfurtherandfurther.Eachtinystepinthe
directionoffreedom willeventuallygetyou there.Oneofthe thingsthatworks
about reassurance is that once we understand that our partner or partners, or
maybe even their partners, are willing to help us with our feelings, we feel more
secureandneedlessprotectionaswegoalong.
The single most important thing to remember is that the purpose of an
agreementistofindawayinwhicheverybodycanwin.
MakingSpaceforDifference
Youandyour sweetie might have different visions aboutwhatyour relationship
willbe.Foroneperson,itcouldbealotofrecreationalsex,one-nightstands,or
party play; another might yearn for one primary and one special secondary
relationship.Somepeopleenjoymanyrelationshipsthatmakeextendedfamilies
outoftheirloversandtheirlovers’lovers;otherslookforathree-orfour-person
groupmarriage.
Negotiating difference, however, can be done and is being done successfully
every day. So what if one person wants BDSM or tantra or wild orgies, and the
otherwantswalksonthebeachatsunset?Onceyou’veopenedyourrelationshipto
other people who may be more accepting of those desires, anything is possible.
Agreements may be asymmetrical to account for different desires and different
feelings, and each individual may need a different kind of reassurance: the
relationship-lover may feel shy and unhip, the party animal may feel judged or
threatened by long-term partners, and each needs to have their own feelings
validatedandcaredfor.
SomeAgreements
We’ve done some asking around among our friends and colleagues to find out
whatkindsofrelationshipagreementshaveworkedforothers.Hereisapartiallist
ofagreementswe’veheardfromsomeverysuccessfulsluts.
Noticeasyoureadithowmanydifferentkindsofagreementsitcontains—some
are sexual, some are relationship-oriented; some are thou-shalts and some thou-
shalt-nots;somearelogisticalandsomesentimental.Justsoyouknowthatwe’re
not recommending any of these, you should also note that some are mutually
exclusive.We’representingthislistasadiscussionopener,notashowitoughtto
be. However, everybody has to make some agreements about sexual health and
safersex.
•Wealwaysspendthenighttogetherexceptwhenoneofusistraveling.
•We’lltaketurnswatchingeveryone’skidsontheweekend.
•Neither/noneofuswill[specificsexualact]withotherpartners.
•Wealwaysprovideadvancenoticeofpotentialotherpartners.
•Don’ttellme/usaboutotherpartners.
•Tellme/useverythingyoudidwithotherpartners.
•Otherpartnersmustbe[specificgender].
•Newpartnersmeeteveryoneinvolved.
•Sexbeyondourcouple/groupwillonlybe:groupsex/partysex/anonymous
sex/committedsex….
•Wewillcheckintoconfirmsafetyafteraget-togetherwithanewpartner.
•Everybodychipsinforthebabysitter.
•Besuretosavesomehotsexualenergyforme/us.
•Nosexwithotherpartnersinourbed/house.
•Wesetlimitsonphonecalls,Internettime,andsoon,withotherpartners.
•Weestablishqualitytimewithoneanother.
•Wedon’ttakeofftheringsthatsymbolizeourrelationship.
•Wemustreachagreementsaboutwhoistooclosetohavesexwith:
neighbors,coworkers,closefriends,formerlovers,yourdoctor,your
partner’stherapist?…
•We’llspendanhourcuddlingandreconnectingafterward.
Predictability
Ourexperienceisthatmostpeopleweknowneedsomekindofpredictabilityto
dealwiththestressesofopenrelationships:it’seasiertohandleanervous-making
situationifyouknowwhenitisgoingtohappenandwhenitisgoingtobeover.
Youcanplantodosomethingsupportivewithafriend,gotoamovie,visitMom,
whatever—andtellyourselfthatyouonlyhavetohandlethingsforthischunkof
time,andthenyoursweetiewillcomebackandmaybeyoucanplanacelebratory
reunion.
Mostpeoplehaveahardtimedealing with surprises,whichcanfeellikeland
minesexploding.Veryfewofuswouldbecomfortablelivingwiththepossibility
thatourpartnermightgohomewithsomeoneelseatanytime,fromanypartywe
goto,fromtherestaurantwherewethoughtwewerejustgoingforacupofcoffee
—no place, no time we could count on. One partner of our acquaintance was
working across the country from his spouse during a time when he was first
struggling to deal with his jealousy. He made an agreement to know when his
partnerwasplayingwithsomeoneelsebecause,asheputit,“IfIknowwhenthey
areoutwithsomeoneelse,Ialsoknowwhentheyaren’t,andthenIcanrelaxmost
ofthetime.”
If you feel that planning takes too much of the spontaneity out of your life,
thenthinkaboutdeclaringonenightoroneweekendamonthtobeopenseason—
thenyoucanmakeadecisionwhethertojoinyourpartnersincruisingorsitthis
oneoutinaquietermilieu.Anagreementtobeunpredictableatsomespecified
timeis,afterall,predictable.
WhatIstheEmotionalCost?
Onewaytothinkaboutpossibleagreementsistoconsiderthepotentialemotional
cost to each person involved. We’ve already talked about some of the emotions
youmayencounterasyouandyourpartnersbegintoexplore;yourcostiswhat
you risk feeling that might be difficult or painful. A conversation about each
person’s“emotionalcost”canclearalotoffoggyairandclarifywhat’sgettingin
thewayofmakinganagreementthatfeelsstuck.Oneagreementmightbesimply
tohavethisconversationwhencertainissuesareinplay:manyemotionscanbe
satisfiedsimplybylisteningtothem.
If you imagine little to no emotional cost in whatever agreement you’re
contemplating,maybeit’stimetotrychallengingyourselfabitmore.(Ormaybe
you’rejustabrilliantlytalentedslutwhoneverhasemotionaldifficultywithany
ofyourpartnershavinganykindofconnectionwithanyoneelse,inwhichcase
we’relookingforwardtoreadingyourbook.)Ontheotherhand,iftheemotional
costseemssogreatthatyoucan’timaginemanagingitatthesametimeasyourun
therestofyourlife,youmayhaveoverestimatedyourabilitythistime:consider
negotiatinganagreementthatfeelsalittlebiteasier.
OnVetoPower
Inmakingthedecisiontoopenuptonewpartners,oneofthestepsmanypeople
inclosedrelationshipstakeistotry“vetopower”—whereanexistingpartnerhas
therightto“veto”theirpartner’soutsidesexualorromanticconnections.
Basic slut ethics should not allow you to abuse veto power to prevent your
partnerfromhavingsexwithanyoneatallbyvetoingeverybody—astrategythat
may seem tempting, because until you unlearn jealousy,all outside engagements
canlook very threatening.Sometimesyouneedtogather upyourstrength,face
downyourfears,andunlearnbydoing.Andsometimes,whenyoudo,itmightbe
easier than you thought it would be, and what you might learn is that you are
strongerandmoresureofyourselfandyourlovethanyouthoughtyouwere.
Nevertheless, we recognize that veto power can be reassuring when you’re
makingyourfirststepsintoamoreopenrelationshipstructure.Butweencourage
youtothinkaboutwhatthatreassuranceactuallymeans.
Vetopowersays,“IfyouproposeapartnerIdon’tfeelcomfortablewith,Ican
tell you so, and you’ll abandon your relationship with that person.” But what
happensiftheproposingpartnerdecidesneverthelesstopursuetheirrelationship
withthevetoedperson?Well,weguessthevetoerhastwochoices:theycaneither
suckitupandkeepgoing(usuallyaftersomeverypainfulconflict)orwalkaway
fromtherelationship.
Which—surprise!—is exactly the same choice everyone faces when an outside
partner comesintoarelationship, whether ornotit’s by mutualagreement.For
thatmatter,thisisthefundamentalchoiceatstakewhenanykindofrelationship
conflictarises:thedecisionofwhethertodothehardworkofstickingaroundor
theequallyhard(althoughdifferent)workofleaving.Sowhatisyourvetopower
actuallygivingyouthatyoudon’talreadyhave?
Ifagreeingtovetopowerincreasesyoursenseofsecurityduringtheearlydays
ofopeningyourrelationships,that’sfine.Butwesuspectthatifyoudecidetodrop
theformalvetopowerandmovetowardamorefluidprocessofacceptingoutside
partners, you’ll notice very little difference in the way your relationship actually
works—unless,ofcourse,itactuallyworksbetter.
WhenThereIsNoAgreement
There are probably a lot of issues in your life about which you feel no need to
reachagreement.Everyonedealswithdifferencesinrelationshipsallthetime,as
any night person married to a morning person can tell you. However, lack of
agreement can feel less comfortable in the close-to-the-bone field of sexual
relationships.Whenfeelingsrunhigh,particularlyaboutsexualissues,it’seasyto
wanttobelievethatyourwayisrightandthatallotherwaysarewrong.
Onewaytoavoidthetrapofturningadifferenceintoamoralargumentisto
lookcarefullyatownership:whoownswhatinthisdisagreementanyway?Whatis
A’sinvestmentinthisparticularchoice,howisB feeling differentaboutit,and
whatareweafraidmighthappenifwecan’tagree?Trytogetreallyclearonhow
eachpersonfeelsbeforeyoueventhinkaboutwhatyouwanttodo.
It can help to remember that you have been living with differences and
disagreements with everyone in your life ever since you met them. When you
discoverasexualdifferencewithoneperson,ithasprobablybeenthereallalong.
Rememberthatyou’vebeengettingalongfinewithoutthisparticularagreement—
ifyou’vemadeitthisfar,youcanlivewiththelackofagreementalittlelonger.
Lettimebeyourfriend.Whendifferenceisdifficult,allowyourselvesthetimeto
thoroughlyexplorethefeelingsthataredrivingthedisagreementandarrangeto
leadarewardinglifewhileyouexplore.Youreallycanagreetodisagree.Between
the“yes”offullagreementandthe“no”offulldisagreementisawholebiggray
area of “no-agreement-yet,” “tolerable-disagreement,” or even “who-cares?”
Sometimesyouwill eventually findit possibleto makean agreement,andother
timesyouwon’t.
Occasionally, however, you will hit an area in which agreement is both
necessary and impossible. For many people, the whole issue of nonmonogamy
may be one of these; childbearing is another frequent point of contention. We
suggestflexibilityandcompromiseseeking,possiblywiththehelpofaqualified
therapist.
Butifagreementsimplycannotbereached,wethinktheskillsyoulearnedin
tryingtoreach agreementcancomein very handy asyou practicenotblaming,
not judging, and not manipulating, as you work to change or even end a
relationshipthatcannotreconcileitsdifferences.
Somepeopleagreetoendarelationshipandthendiscoverthatlateron,when
thestressofpartinghaseased,theycanagreeonanewkindofrelationshipwith
the same person. Others cannot. But either way, forthright and openhearted
discussionofdisagreementsandagreementswillleadtoacleanerandlessstressful
outcome.
ReachingAgreement
So how do you find an agreement that will work for everyone? A good place to
startisbydefiningyourgoals.Agoalisnotthesameasanagreement:yourgoalis
whatyou’retryingtoaccomplish,andyouragreementisthemeansyou’reusingto
trytogetthere.Forexample,ifyourgoalistopreventanyonefromfeelingtaken
advantage of, your agreement might be to ensure that nobody’s personal time,
space, or belongings are being infringed on. So start with getting clear on what
feelslikeinfringementtoeachpersoninvolvedandusethatforyourguidelines.
Often you will discover a goal by tripping over a problem: “Last night, when
youandSamwereinourbedroomtogether,myfeetwerefreezingandIcouldn’t
getintheretogetmybedroomslippers.”Thegoalistopreventthisproblemfrom
coming up again—what kinds of agreements might help achieve that goal?
Answeringthesequestionswillrequireanhonest(andoftendifficult)lookatwhat
therealproblemis:isitthatyourfeetarecoldorthatyouresentbeingkickedout
ofyourownbedroomorthatyou’refeelingleftout?
Onceyou’vedefinedyourproblemandyourgoal,it’stimetostartfiguringout
agoodagreement.Itmightbeappropriatetodoatrialagreement,toputatime
limitation(aweekend,aweek,amonth,ayear)onyournewbornagreementtosee
howitfeelstoeverybodyconcerned.Afterthetimeisup,youcansitdownagain
todiscusswhatworked,whatdidn’t,andwhethertocontinueyouragreementor
reviseitorscrapit.
Inourexperience,it’srareforanagreementtolastalifetimewithoutchange:
human beings change, and so do agreements. The way you can tell that your
agreement needs to change is when someone doesn’t agree to it anymore. Janet
andoneofherpartners,forexample,begantheirrelationshipwithanagreement
thattheycouldbesexualwithotherpeople,butthattheycouldn’tfallinlovewith
anyoneelse.Thenoneofthemdid.(Inhindsight,Janetadmits,thisseemslikea
fairlysillyagreement—asthoughyoucouldsimplydecidenottofallinlove!)She
remembers:
Therewasaperiodinwhichwewerehaving“check-ins”oneortwotimesaday.
Thiswasasituationneitherofushadeverplannedon.Wefounditwasvery
importanttostayinthemomentandtostaywithtangiblethings—yes,itfeels
okayifshesleepsoverwhileI’moutoftown;no,itdoesn’tfeelrightforyouto
bringthetwoofustothesameparty.Wefound,duringthatexperienceaswell
assimilaronesthatcamelater,thatthewords“inlovewith”madeusbothfeel
kindofpanicky—thatagreementsthatdweltonmeasurablefactorssuchas
time,behavior,andspaceworkedbetterforus.
Expect to try out some agreements and find out that they don’t work, and
expecttoneedtochangethem.Youwillgetbetteratthisprocesswithpractice,and
intimeyoumayknowyourownandyourpartner’sneedssowellthatnegotiating
agreements will be easy. But in the beginning, while you are learning, tidiness
won’tcountanywherenearasmuchastolerance.
When you first set out, some of these discussions may get quite heated:
remember,angerisanemotionthattells youwhatisimportanttoyou.Whatis
constructiveaboutthesedifficulttimesiswhatyoulearnaboutyourpartnersand
aboutyourself.
Rememberthattherearemanygoodwaystostructureyoursluttery.Structureis
notwhatmakesyousafefromhardfeelings—yourabilitytotakecareofyourselfis
what counts. So whatever structure you choose, hold it fairly loosely. Your
agreementsarenottakingcareofyou;youare.
Don’tgetdiscouraged—allthesuccessfulslutsyouseewhoseemsocarefreehave
foughtovertheiragreements.Youtoocanworkyourwaythroughthistangledweb
ofassumptionsandemotionsandlearntolovewithopennessandfreedom.
“Youragreementsarenottakingcareofyou;youare.”
18
OPENINGANEXISTINGRELATIONSHIP
Manypeoplecometoatimewhentheywanttoopentheirrelationshiptomore
sexual partners. But when your relationship was established under conventional
monogamousagreements,youcan’texpecttoproclaim“OpenSesame!”andhave
everything fall magically into place. Like everything else about ethical sluthood,
openinganexistingrelationshiprequirescare,thought,practice,andwork.
Therelationshipthatyouwanttoopenmayormaynotbealifepartnership;
you may or may not be living together. You might have been practicing serial
monogamy, with the usual occasional overlap. Or you may be keeping all your
loverscompartmentalized,andwanttomovetowardsomethingmorelikeafamily
ortribe.Youmaybelookingforadventuresoutsideofatriadoragroupmarriage.
Theworkofopeningisstillwork,nomatterthenatureofyourrelationship.
TurningSomeintoMore
Ifyouandyourloversarebeginningthisworkwithequalagreementthatyouall
wanttocreatethisexpansivenessinyourlives,thencongratulationsandwelcome
to the path. You will probably encounter some unexpected disagreements about
thewaythisnewlifewilllook—soyoustilldon’tgettoskipthischapter.
Inourexperience,though,it’smuchmorecommonthatonepersonwantsto
openthedoortooutsideconnectionsandanotherhasn’teverevenconsideredit
and is appalled by the idea. This situation is definitely more difficult, especially
when an outside partner—potential or actual, open or secret—is waiting in the
wingsandprobablycaresalotabouttheoutcomeofthisprocess.Alotofpeople
don’treallythinkaboutmonogamyuntiltheymakeaconnectionwithsomeone
whofeelsimportanttothemandtheydon’twanttogiveuptheirbelovedorgeta
divorceorsplitupthekids.Youcouldbeinanyoftheseroles:theonewiththe
lustforadventure,thenewlovewhoisnotapartner,andthesometimesstunned
partnertothewould-beadventurer.
In physics, the triangle is considered one of the most structurally sound and
well-balanced structures—but in relationships, the very phrase “love triangle”
carriesawhiffoftabloiddrama.Thisparticularsituationisnotmadeanyeasierby
the fact thatit’sbeen happeningforaslongas therehave been relationships.It
canhelptorememberthatitisutterlynormaltohavedifferencesindesireinany
relationship—you don’t need to both get excited about the same flavor of ice
cream.Makingroomforeveryone’sdesirescanworkforallconcerned—we know
manypeoplewhohavedoneso,reachingaccommodationsthatworkforeveryone
involved.Let’slookatthedilemmafromthreedifferentpointsofview.
TheAdventurousLover
Theadvantageofbeinginthispositionisthatyouknow,moreorless,whatyou
want.Perhapsyouboughtthisbookforapartner,hopingforsomefreedomdown
the road and wishing fervently for some way to reach agreement without going
throughawholelotofagony.However,youandyourbelovedare,likeallofus,
productsofourculture,andittakeshardworktostepoutoftheparadigmupon
whichyourentirepreviousexistencewasbased—goodwork,rewardingwork,life-
changingwork,butstillhardwork.
Guiltisoneofthemostuncomfortableemotionswecanfeel.Mostpeoplefeel
guiltywhensomethingtheydocausespaintothepeopletheycareabout.When
youplaceyourdesireforanopenrelationshiponthetableandsomeoneyoulove
hasahardtimewithit,youwillprobablyfeelveryguilty.
You can’t wave a magic wand and change another person’s mind—that’s the
hardworkwemusteachdoforourselves.Itwillhurt.Theremaybetearsandrage
andbitterness,andyouwillfeelguilty.
Libertinesareportrayedinfictionascarefreeexplorers—andalsoheartlessand
freeofcareforanypaintheymayleaveintheirwake.Wedon’tbelievethatyou
want your freedom at the cost of becoming a callous jerk. If you have invited
peopleyoucareaboutintothisexploration,thatmeans youdon’twanttocheat
but to live your life honestly and honorably. We respect you for that. A lot of
otherpeoplewon’t.
TheOutsideLover
Wedon’tevenknowwhattocallyou,whichmakesithardtotalktoyouandmay
makeithardforyoutothinkaboutyoursituation.Yourrole—apotentiallyloving,
giving individual who’s sexually involved with one or more members of a
committed relationship—is so distant from most people’s conceptual framework
that a nonloaded word for you does not exist: “homewrecker,” “mistress,” “the
otherwoman”?(Thereisn’tevenaphrasefor“theotherman,”inspiteofthefact
that many such men exist.) More civilized, but often equally problematic, are
conceptslike“secondary”or“tertiary”:thislanguagedoesdefinethesituation,but
wethinktheimpliedhierarchycanbedemeaning.Doyouonlycountwhenyou
arenumberone?Ordoeseverybodyhaverightsinthisconstellation?
Whetheryouarethesweetie,thesqueeze,thelover,orwhatever,yourposition
in the constellation comes with advantages and disadvantages. On the positive
side, most of your time with your lover can be spent having fun. You are not
expectedtosupportyourlover,nortogiveupyourcareertostayhomewiththe
kids.Onthedownside,whodoyoucallwhenyouneedaridetotheemergency
room?Whodoyoucallwhenyouaresadorwhenyouneedsupport?Doyouhave
anyrightsatalltoyourbeloved’stime,oristheresomebodywhoseesyouasthe
competition,withwhomyoumayneverspeakornegotiate?Whileyourposition
conveysfewresponsibilities,itoftenalsocarriesveryfewrights.
TheOneWhoChoseNoneofThis
Wereallyhopeyoudidn’tgetthisbookasaValentine’sDaysurprise,butweknow
thatcouldbethecase.Itisnofuntobecalledupontoexpandyourrelationshipin
waysyouneveraskedfor,nortodealwithyourbeloved’sdesiresforotherlovers
afterthey’dpromisedtoforsakeallothers.Youmaybefeelinglikeyou’vehadan
abyssopenupunderyourfeet,withnosolidgroundanywheretostandon.
Ofcourseyouaredistressed, andangryaswell—youdidnotchoosethispath.
Yethereyouare,inamaelstromofscaryfeelingsyouneveragreedtoexperience.
Itmaytakeawhileforyoutogetthatthisisreallyhappening.Eventually,though,
thissituationmustbedealtwith:oncethesubjectofopeningarelationshipison
thetable,itcannotbeshutawayinadraweragain.Onewayoranother,youmust
findaway tocope withwhat’s been handedtoyouandbegin considering what
mayhappennext.
Itisunfair,ofcourse,thatyou’rebeingaskedtodohardemotionalworkthat
youneverchosetodo.Isthereanyreasonwhyyoushouldhavetoworksohard?
Isthereanythinginitforyou?
Well,quitepossiblythereis.Perhapsthisworkwillmakeyoustronger.Perhaps
you will make an unexpected journey into your own capacities: maybe you too
have the ability to love more than one person. Perhaps it will improve your
communication skills and deepen your relationship. Perhaps learning that your
belovedwillstillcomehometoyouafteranadventurewillendupmakingyoufeel
more secure. Perhaps it will free you from traditional views of relationship as
ownership,openingnewhorizonsforconnecting.Perhapsitwillgiveyoumuch-
neededpersonaltime.Perhapsitwillimproveyoursexlife.Perhapsyoucanseea
faintgleamofapossiblefreedomsomewhereonthehorizon.
Wecan’tpromisethatanyofthesewillhappenforyou.Butthere’sonething
wecanpromise.Ifyoutacklethisdifficultsituation,andlearnwhateveryoucan
about yourself and your relationship from it, at the end of it, you will have a
choice. You may choose to separate, or you and your partner may choose to go
backtomonogamy,oryoumaytryamoreopenrelationship…butwhateveryou
do, it will be because you’re looking at all your possibilities and choosing —not
reactingblindly,notdoingwhatyou’vebeentold,notchoosingtheeasywayjust
becauseit’seasy,butmakingyourown,informed,heartfeltchoice.
Laterinthischapter,we’llgiveyousomeideasaboutwaystokeepthisdifficult
negotiation as productive aspossible.Butfirstwewanttotalk aboutasituation
thatweknowsomeofourreadersareconfronting.
Cheating
Sometimestherelationshipisalreadyopen,kindof,onlysomeonedoesn’tknow
ityet.Thissituationcanbeveryhardtodealwith,butitdoeshappen,andoften.
Discovering that you have been and are currently being cheated on can be
awful.Feelingsofshame,betrayal,andlosttrustarefrequentconsequences.Many
peopleinthispositionareplaguedwithquestions:“AmInotdesirable?”“What
did I do wrong?” All these feelings are legitimate, and we don’t believe you did
anythingwrongbeyondacceptingthestoriesyougrewuponaboutwhat“happily
everafter”issupposedtomean.
Itcanhelptorememberthatacheatingspousewhowantstoopenupaprimary
relationshipistakingstepstowardmorehonesty,showingrespectforyouandyour
relationship.Theywouldn’tgotoallthistroubleiftheywantedtogetridofyou.
It can be hard to remember your partner’s goodwill, though, while you are
strugglingtodigestthisunwelcomenews.Althoughitmaybecomfortingtofocus
your pain into righteous outrage—and you are justified in doing so—something
moreneedstohappenifyouandyourrelationshiparegoingtosurviveandthrive.
What do we see when we look at cheating with an open mind and with
compassion toward everyone involved? Our culture would like to have it that
cheatinghappensrarely,thatit’sananomaly.Kinsey discoveredotherwise more
than a half century ago: slightly more than half of theoretically monogamous
marriages back then actually were not. So cheating is not unusual and is not
perpetratedonlybyheartlesssexaddicts.
Conventionaltherapeuticwisdomisthatcheatingisasymptomofsomething
wrong in the relationship and that working on the relationship will make the
cheating go away.Sometimes this is indeedtrue.Butcheating is notnecessarily
aboutsomefailureinyourconnection,anditiscrueltotellpeoplethatsomething
is wrong with a perfectly good relationship just because desire has a way of
squirmingoutofbounds.
You may feel betrayed or grief-stricken or furious. You’ve been launched into
thesefeelingswithoutanywarningandnotbyyourchoice.Itcanbeparticularly
hardtolearnthatyourpartnerhasbeenengaginginfar-outsexualactivitieslike
kinkorcross-dressing(ifyou’restrugglingwiththisissue,pleaselookatourbook
WhenSomeoneYouLoveIsKinky).
Workingtoopenarelationshipundertheseconditionsisfarlessthanoptimal—
howisanonconsentingpartner supposedtofindaway tofeelsecureandloved
when the rughas been pulledoutfromunderthem?Butmany relationships do
eventuallyfindtheirwaythroughthisthornythicket.
We are talking about a life situation in which many people experience
particularly fiery anger. This exercise can be a first step in getting to know that
anger and understand it, rather than just avoiding it like the plague and then
eruptingwhenyoucan’tstanditanymore.
EXERCISE:WHATISANGERGOODFOR?
Forthisexercise,startoutthinkinglikeanecologist.Rememberin
schoolhowtheytaughtyouthateverythinginnaturehasitsjob,
itscontribution(themaggotseatthedeadmouseandturnitinto
richsoil,andthentherosecanbloom)?
Sowhydoweexperienceanger?Whatdoesangercontributeto
our emotional ecologies and to our intimate relationships? How
doesyourangerhelpyou?Howdoesitprotectyou?Writealist.
Examples might include helping you discover your limits,
energizingyoutoaction,lettingyoureleasetension.
Youmightputthislistontherefrigeratorandadditemsovera
weekortwoasyouexperiencethem.
Then,thenexttimeyoufeelangry,youcanaskyourself:“Howis
myangertryingtotakecareofme?”
Intellectually understanding cheating doesn’t make it that much easier to
handlewhenyoudiscoverthatit’syourlover whois doingit…butitmight help
youfigureoutwhereyouwanttogofromhere.Thechallengeofrebuildingtrust
can be hard to contemplate, and you need to figure out how you can meet it
halfway. Your beloved can’t make you trust, can’t really even earn your trust as
thoughitwereasalary—youhavetodecidethatit’sworthyourwhiletograntit.
Furthermore,thereistheproblemoftheoutsideloverwaiting,patientlyornot,
inthewings,whileyouarestartingfromscratchtryingtoorientyourselftothe
situation.Thispersonhasfeelingstoo,andhasgoodreasonsfornotwantingto
remainadirtylittlesecret.
Youandyourpartnerwillprobablyhavetospendsometimetogetherworking
through feelings of anger,betrayal, and guilt. But when you have those feelings
undersomedegreeofcontrol,youwillnexthavetolookatthefutureandbegin
working—preferablytogether—onsomesolutions.
Itmaybethatyouwillwindupseparating,orperhapsthetwoofyouwillreturn
to monogamy. Your local bookstore offers many excellent books to support you
througheitherofthosealternatives.ButthisbookiscalledTheEthicalSlut,solet’s
assumefornowthatyouareatleastconsideringthepossibilityofmoreopenness
inyourrelationship.
FirstOpenings
For everyone involved in this situation to get from where you are right now—
perhapsangry,perhapsscared,almostcertainlyconfused—tosomewherenew,you
needtomakeacommitmenttopushyourselfalittlebeyondyourcomfortlevel.
Justalittle—butstill,youneedtopushyourself.Itdoesn’tworkifsomeoneelsehas
topushforyou,anditdoesn’twork ifyouarepushingsomeone else.Youeach
havetopushyourselvessoyoucandiscoverhowmuchstrongeryouarethanyou
thoughtyouwere.
A good way to start would be to sit down together in a peaceful place and
compareyourvisionsofamoreopenfuture.Perhapsyoucouldeachwritealittle
aboutwhatyourrelationshipwouldlooklikeifitwereperfect,andperfectlyeasy.
Whenyoucomparenotes,youmayfindoutthatyouhaveverydifferentvisions:
one person may want to be the Queen of Sluts at sex parties; another may be
lookingforaloverwhowantstogobackpackingandmakeoutonamountainside.
Oneofyoumaybeyearningforanonymoussexwithnoobligations;anothermay
desire an ongoing relationship with one or two people who stay connected and
jointhefamily.
Don’tpanic.Youdon’thavetowanttheexactsamething,andyoucanfigure
outagreementsthatmakeitpossibleforyoubothtomakeyourdreamscometrue.
Itcanbeoverwhelmingtolookatthedreamwithnoideahowitcanpossibly
bebroughtintoreality—takeamomenttoletgoofpanic.Thenextpartistofigure
outhowyouaregoingtogetfromheretothere.Youdon’thavetoteleporttoyour
destinationinaninstant—youwillgetwhereyouaregoingonestepatatime.You
don’t learn to swim by jumping into the ocean, and you won’t get comfortable
withanyofthisbycastigatingyourselffornotbeingcomfortablealready.
EXERCISE:HIERARCHYOFHARD,ORHOWTOGETFROMHERE
TOTHEREINHOWEVERMANYABSOLUTELYEASYSTEPS
Here’sanexerciseaboutchoosingthefirststepyouwanttotake.
Chooseaveryconcretegoaltofocuson,oneaboutwhichyou
havesome anxiety.Polyissuesmightincludelooking at personal
ads together, introducing your lovers, making a date, having a
sleepover,talkingaboutsafersex.Chooseanissuetopracticewith
thatisrelativelyeasyforyoutoday.
Thinkaboutthestepsyouwouldhavetotaketogetfromhereto
there—agreements, negotiations, asking for what you want,
scheduling time, finding a babysitter, and so on. Write each of
thesestepsonanindexcard.Ifanysteplookstooenormous,break
it down into afewsteps. Sort oflike teaching three-year-oldsto
bakecookies,makeeachstepverysimplebeforeyougoontothe
nextone.
Thenlayoutthecardsandputtheminorderfromtheeasiestto
the hardest, or from the safest to the scariest, according to how
intenseitfeelswhenyouthinkaboutthatstep.Youmaygetnew
informationaboutyourselfwhenyoudothis.
Thenpickupthesafest,easiestcard;figureouthowyoucould
takethatstepandmarchonward!Whenyou’veaccomplishedthat,
andlearnedwhateveryoulearnedfromdoingit,putthecardaway
andgotoworkonthenextstep,whichisnowtheeasieststep.
Nevertakeanythingbuttheeasieststep.
DesigningYourLearningCurve
Thekindsofagreementsthatslutsmaketodealwithemotionalcomfortzonesfall,
loosely speaking, into two categories: agreements that avoid scary feelings and
agreementsthattakeariskoffeelingsomethingthatmightbeuncomfortableor
scary, but not terrifying. Make a list of all the agreements you might consider
entering into and divide them into “avoidant” and “risky.” Avoidant strategies
mightincludedon’task,don’ttell;don’trocktheboat;don’tletmefindout;Iwill
nevermeetyourlover;onlyonThursdaynightswhenI’moutwithmylover,so
I’ll never be home alone. These might be good agreements for people who are
startingouton thispathinthattheyaretakingthe verysmallestriskswiththe
tightestpossiblecontainers.Thisishowweformalearningcurve.
If you choose only avoidant strategies, however, you can wind up keeping
yourselffrozeninyourpresentstate;avoidantstrategiesarehowyoufeelsafe,but
riskystrategiesarehowyougrow.
Ifyouarerequiredtokeepyouractivitiessecretfromeachother,thenyouhave,
well,abigsecret.Secretswillnotbringyouclosertogether—theyoftencreatemore
distance.Supposeyouhaveafightwithanoutsidelover,andyourlifepartnercan
tellyou’reupset.Howdoyoudealwiththeserealitiesandnotdiscloseanything
aboutyouroutsideconnections?Oryoucould windupnotknowingsomething
thateveryoneelseinyourcommunityknows,andthenyoumightfindoutabout
itfromafriendwhothinksyoualreadyknow.Manypeoplefindthatthestories
they make up in their heads in the absence of information are scarier than the
reality.Howcanyoureassureyourselfwithoutknowingwhat’shappening?
Many people find it easier not to hear about the specifics of their sweetie’s
lovemakingwithothers,andwedon’tseealotofproblemswiththat.Eventually,
youmightfinditaturn-on,butthereisnoneedtostartthere,orevengetthere,
unlesssuchsharingisimportanttooneofyou.Fulldisclosureisalovelyidealbut
oftenanacutelyuncomfortablereality.
Think very hard about any agreements thataddup to“Don’t have toomuch
fun.”Agreementsaboutsafersex,ofcourse,arerequired.Butinthelongrun,it’s
notgoingtomakeyoufeelverysafeifyourloveragreesnotto,forinstance,kiss
someone,ornotdoanyofalonglistofactivities.Allyouwillgetforthatisalot
of wondering whether this agreement will be kept and a lot of uproar if you
suspectitisnot.
Youhavetherighttoexpectyourbelovedtobeopenwithprospectivepartners
aboutyourexistence.Yourpartnermaybesurprisedtolearnthatthiswillmake
themmoreattractivetosomepeoplethanasingleperson wouldbe—anoutsider
canplaywiththemandnothavetoworryaboutwhethertheyaregoingtoshow
upwithaU-Haul.Whenyouandyoursweetiesarehonestabouttherelationship
youarelookingfor,youwillattractpeoplewhoarereadyandwillingtodealwith
therealitiesofyourlife.
There are distinct advantages to connecting with experienced sluts—their
knowledge can be very helpful. But if a prospective outside sweetie is new to
polyamory, you will need to negotiate another set of agreements and establish a
learningcurveforthisrelationship.
TakingSomeTinyRisks
Entry-levelrisk-takingstrategiesmightincludethingslikecheckingoutpersonal
adsontheInternettogether.Whatphotosintheadsdoeseachofyourespondto?
Howdoyoufeelaboutthat?Whatdoesyourpartnerthinkaboutthepeopleyou
find attractive? Or you might go out to a club together and talk about what it
wouldbeliketoflirtwithanyofthehottiesyoumightseethere.
You can take the risk of arousing one of your scary emotions almost as an
experiment,toseehowitfeels,learnaboutyourself,andexplorehowyoucantake
careofyourselfandreassureoneanotherwhenjealousfeelingsarebeingfeltinthe
present.Trywritingabouthowitfeels.Maybeyoucouldinventafantasythatfeels
likethatandinventyourselfasthecompetentcharacterwhofiguresoutahappy
solution.
Oneriskthatweadviseyoutotakeinvolvesmakingthetimeinyourbusylives
totalkabouthowyouarefeelingaboutallthis.Therearealotofexercisesinthis
bookaboutcommunication:trythem.Onthenextpageyou’llfindanotherscript
fortalkingaboutdifficultfeelings.
Wehavesaidbeforethatnothingcreatesintimacylikesharedvulnerabilities—so
weadviseyoutosavoralltheclosenessthatyouopenupwitheachotherwhenyou
starttakingrisks.
Youcanalsousethe“Yes,No,Maybe”exerciseinchapter23,“SexandPleasure”
(this page), only this time list all the things associated with starting and
maintainingapolylife:coffeedates,answeringanad,exchangingphonenumbers
ataparty,flirting,allthewayuptoactualdates,sleepovers,andvariouskindsof
erotic activity. The items that wind up on your “yes” lists are the ones to start
with,andthenyoucannegotiatewhatitwouldtaketomakeitsafeenoughtotry
somethingonyour“maybe”list.The“no”liststatesyourabsolutelimitsatthis
timeandmaybeforever.Comparethistothe“HierarchyofHard”cardswetalked
about in the exercise earlier in this chapter (this page). You will use these two
exercisesoverandoveragain,becauseeachtimeyougetgoodatanypartofwhat
youareattempting,thescarinesslevelofalltheitemswillchange.Everytimeyou
learnsomethingnew,youbecomestrongerandmoreconfident.
EXERCISE:THETWENTY-MINUTEFIGHT
Makeanappointmentwithyourpartnertodiscusssomethingyou
don’tagreeonfortwentyminutes.Findagoodtimewhenyoucan
focusandwhenyouwon’thavetodoanythingstressfulrightafter
—perhapsplantowatchamovie.
Try this first with a small disagreement, something not terribly
heated,justforpractice.Howdoyoumanagetostopaftertwenty
minutes when the discussion isn’t finished? Our most difficult
disagreements are not going to be resolved in hours of talking,
arguing,oryelling—maybenoteveninweeksormonths.Difficult
issuestaketimetoworkon.Sooneimportantskillis toopenup
thecontroversyandthenfigureoutawaytostopandcloseitback
downuntilthenexttime.
Use good communication tools and set the timer. When the
twentyminutesareup,takeafewdeepbreathsandletgo,letgo,
letgoofwhereveryouareintheargument.Itisaterrificallyuseful
skilltoknowhowtostop.Itismuchsafertostarttalkingabouta
controversywhenyouhaveagreednottoyellateachotheruntil
youareexhaustedandgotobedinahuff.Youmayfindthatafter
youstoptalking,youwillbethinkingaboutwhatyousaidandwhat
yourpartnersaid,andinadayortwoyoumayverywellgetsome
newideasabouthowyoufeelandwhatmightwork.Bythetime
youcometogethernextweekforTwenty-MinuteFightroundtwo,
youmaysurpriseyourselvesbyhowmuchclosertounderstanding
oracceptingeachother’spositionsyouhavecome.
We have deliberately suggested some extremely easy adventures to start with—
like looking atads ortalkingabout all the cuties dancing atthe club.These are
verysafewaystotakeatinyrisk.Payattentiontowhatfeelingscomeupandtalk
aboutthem.Rememberthatfeelingsliketoflow.Pleasedon’tassumethathowyou
feel today is how you will always feel: the whole purpose of this endeavor is to
openupyouroptionsaboutyourfeelings.
Youmaybesurprisedbywhat’sdifficultorbywhat’seasy.Giveyourselfagold
starforwhat’seasy—that’sastrengthyoualreadyhave.Giveyourselfanothergold
star for even thinking about something that’s hard—this is the work you are
settingouttodo.
We’llmakemoresuggestionsabouthowtolaunchyourpartnershipintohappy
sluthoodinchapter20,“CouplesandGroups,”andchapter23,“SexandPleasure.”
We have also listed some good books in Further Reading, and your computer’s
searchengineisyournonjudgmentalbestfriend.
Allthesesuggestionswilltaketimeandenergy.Pleasedon’tforget,however,to
setasidesometimeandenergytosharepleasurableexperienceswiththepartner
you already have: go dancing, go to the beach, watch a favorite movie together,
play a game you both enjoy, visit a favorite restaurant for a lovely meal. Shared
pleasure is the solid foundation that will make all these wonderful explorations
possible—catchupwithyouremaillater.
19
MAKINGCONNECTION
Anymemberofasexualminorityfacesspecialchallengesinfindingpartnersand
friends—and,asaslutorslut-wannabe,youaremostassuredlyamemberofasexual
minority. Polyamory is not readily understood or accepted in very many social
environments. If you’re also gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual, transgender, or
interestedinaspecializedareaofsexualitysuchascross-dressingorBDSM, you
are doubly or triply challenged. Making the connections of your dreams is not
only possible but eminently achievable, as thousands of abundantly connected
slutscanhappilyattest.
However,we’dbe the lastpeopletotell you thatit will always be easy.We’ve
heard,andlived,toomanysad,frustratingstoriesaboutnearmisses:partnerswho
arefinewithanopenrelationshipuntilsomeonefallsinlove,atwhichpointthey
freak out and demand monogamy; or partners who rhapsodize about sexual
opennessandfreeloveinprinciplebutfallapartwhenfacedwiththereality.Some
partners may become successfully polyamorous but come to a time when their
needs,desires,andlimitssimplydon’tfittogetherwellenough.
Yet many people do succeed in finding each other for relationships ranging
fromcasualtolifetime.So,howdoyoufindfriends,lovers,andpotentialpartners
whonotonlyshareyourvaluesandbeliefs,butarealsoemotionally,intellectually,
andsexuallycompatiblewithyou?
What?
Agoodplacetostartisbyimaginingwhatkindofrelationshipyouwant.Doyou
wantsomeonewithwhomyoucanbuyahouseandraiseafamily,someoneyou
canmeetonceayearforahotandheavyweekendofrole-playingfun,orMs.,Mr.,
or Mx. Right Now? Knowing what you want up front can prevent a lot of
misunderstandingsandhurtfeelingslater.
Ifyou’reworriedthatnobodycouldpossiblywantwhatyouhavetooffer,don’t
besosure.Whileitmaybehardertofindsomeonewhowantstobeasecondary
partnerorarole-playbuddyortheparentofyourchildren,itiscertainlypossible—
infact,thereareundoubtedlyatleastafewpeopleouttherewhoarelookingfor
justsuchasituation.
Therearemany,many ways torelate thatlie between aone-nightstand and a
marriage. You may not know in advance what kind of relationship will develop
withthepersonwhointriguesyoutonight,andthatpersonmaynotfitwhatever
space in your life you thought you were looking to fill. Taking people as they
come,howtheyare,andtoday,canleadyoutowonderfulsurprisesthatmorethan
makeupfortheoccasionaldisappointment.Sowatchoutforyourpreconceptions
andbereadytoapproachnewpeoplewithanopenmindandanopenheart.
“Taking people as they come can lead you to wonderful surprises that more
thanmakeupfortheoccasionaldisappointment.”
Expect situations to change. Someone you thought was just an occasional
playmate may evolve into a much more important figure in your personal
landscape.Whenthishappens—andithashappenedtobothofus—itisimportant
to keep that person, and anyone else involved, thoroughly briefed on the
emotional shifts you’re experiencing. It may be that your friend is feeling the
samewaytowardyou…andthiscouldbethebeginningofabeautifulfriendship.
Or the object of your desire may not be in a place where a deep emotional
commitmentfeelsright.Inanycase,treatthischangedrelationshipasthoughit
wereanewone—inaway,itis.Itmaybethatthetwoofyoucangoonconnecting
inyouroriginal,casualmanner,oryoumayhavetopartforawhiletorediscover
your original equilibrium. Mindfulness, lots of empathy, and plenty of honest
communication are strongly recommended. It can help to spend some time
rememberingwhatwashotandwonderful,andthenpreparetomakeroomfora
newrelationship—possiblywiththesameperson.
Who?
Next, begin thinking about who you’re looking for. The trick in making this
decision is to be neither too specific nor too vague. If your “who” list basically
includesanybodywhoisbreathingandwhoiswillingtohavesexwithyou,you
areperhapsbroadeningyourfieldabittoomuch.Evenifyoudon’thavestrong
preferences about gender, age, appearance, background, or intelligence, you
probably do want someone whowill notlietoyou,steal fromyou,hurtyou,or
exploityou:basicsanity,honesty,andrespectfulnessareonmostofourlists.Itis
alsoperfectlyfinetoacknowledgethosepreferencesthataregenuinelyimportant
toyou:ifyouprefermentowomenorpeopleyourownagetopeoplemucholder
oryounger,nobodyisgoingtoreportyoutotheEqualOpportunityCommission.
Ontheotherhand,ifyour“who”listreadslikeasetoftechnicalspecifications
—gender, age, weight, height, coloring, mode of dress, educational background,
breastsize,penissize,sexualkinks—wesuspectthatyoumaybemoreinterestedin
makinglovetoyourownfantasythanyouaretoarealliveperson.Manyofusare
conditioned to react sexually to a rather unrealistic standard of appearance and
behavior:pornqueensandkingsarefuntowatchinthemovies,buttheyrarely
appear in our living rooms. If you expect your new honey to be gorgeous,
intelligent,loving,andhighlysexualallthetime,youarealmostcertainlysetting
yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment—few people can achieve those
standards,andnobodycanmaintainthemtwenty-fourhoursaday.
Wecan’ttellyoutheexactcutoffpointatwhichahealthypreferencebecomes
anunrealistic desire;only you canlook insideyourself todothat. We dothink
thatphysicalappearance,wealth,andsocialstatushavevery littletodowith the
personbehindthem,and ifanyofthose criteriaappearhighuponyour“who”
list,youmaybealittlebitstuckinyourfantasy.Trygettingtoknowsomepeople
whodon’tmeetthosecriteria.Wehaveahunchthatifyougettoknowthemand
likethem,youwilldiscoverthattheyhavetheirownuniquebeautiesjustwaiting
thereforsomeonetonoticethem.
EXERCISE:THEAIRPORTGAME
Nexttimeyoufindyourselfinapublicplacelikeanairportormall,
findaplacetositwhereyoucanlookatpeoplewithoutdrawing
attentiontoyourself.Then,foreachpersonyoulookat,imagine—
whatmightbethisperson’slover’sfavoritethingaboutthem?Do
they have a strong stride, a sweet smile, bright eyes, powerful
shoulders, hair that looks soft to the touch? Pretty much
everybody is, or has been, loved by someone—see whether you
canseewhatmakesthisparticularpersonlovableandlustworthy,
even if they’re not the kind of person you’re used to seeing that
way.
Animportantnote:evenpeoplewhoaregorgeousorrichorbustyorwhatever
don’t usually like to feel that their beauty, their wallet, or their breasts are their
mostattractivequality.Thosewhopartnersuccessfullywiththemoftenconsider
suchqualitiesahappybonusthathaslittleornothingtodowithwhytheychose
thatpersoninthefirstplace.
Where?
Where do sluts gather? What are your best-bet venues for finding the bedmate,
playmate,orlifemateofyourdreams?
Inthetwodecadessincewefirstwrotethisbook,theanswertothatquestion
has changedagreatdeal.Polyamory is nowlistedin the Oxford English Dictionary.
Newspapers, magazines, and websites worldwide have run detailed articles
describingthisstrangenewlifestyle.Supportgroupshavesprungupinallmajor
U.S. cities and many smaller ones; several larger annual conferences draw
connection-mindedslutsfromallovertheworld.
It is impossible to list the wide variety of polyamory-related venues that are
available to you, because there are too many and they change too fast, but your
search engine is your friend: useful search terms may include polyamory, open
relationships,swinging,ethicalslut,nonmonogamy,and/oralternativerelationships,along
withwhateverspecializedterms(suchaslocation,gender,andsexualorientation)
mighthelpyousortoutthewebsites thatwill bemostusefultoyou.One small
caveat: there are almost as many definitions of most of these words as there are
people using them. You may find yourself confronting people who insist that
whatever you’re doing (swinging, fuck-buddy circles, casual play, group sex,
whatever) isn’t really what you think it is: the most conservative definition of
polyamory, for example, encompasses only long-term committed multipartner
relationships.Inthis,asinsomanyotherthings,agreatquestiontoaskis,“What
exactlydoyoumeanbythat?”
If,forwhateverreason,the onlinecommunitiesdon’tfeel liketherightplace
foryourquest,therearemanyoptionsforseekingoutotherslutsinperson.Itis
difficulttofindslutsindanceclubs—themusicisoftentooloudforanexchange
ofideasorambitions.TrysearchingtheWebfor“ethicalslut”and“polyamory”
with “munch” and“meetup,” along with the name of your area, and meet some
peoplewholiketogettogetherandtalkaboutthelifestyle.Wefindalotofethical
sluts exploring alternative realities: try your local Society for Creative
Anachronism and other historical reenactment groups, and know that many
Renaissance Faires are practically sluts’ trade conferences. Check out science
fictionconventionsorlive-actionrole-playinggamegroups.Ifyourslutteryhasa
spiritual leaning, many groups of neopagans are far more open than traditional
Judeo-Christian religions to alternative lifestyles. (Many others aren’t, so don’t
make any untoward assumptions.) Atheist and skeptic groups also include more
thantheirshareofpeopleinterestedinexploringsluttery.
Anothergoodplacetolookcanbeinworkshops,seminars,andgatheringsthat
havetodowithhumansexualityorintimacy.Whilecruisingis,understandably,
notallowedatsomeoftheseactivities(peoplebaringtheirsoulsaredoingdifficult
workthatcanbedisturbedbyhavingtobeonguardagainstunwantedadvances),
graduatesoftengoonmeetingsociallylongaftertheactualsessionisover.Several
regional and national conferences about sexuality and intimacy are attended by
manykindredsluttyspirits.
Whenyougotoeventswhereyoucanexpecttomeetlike-mindedfolk,youwill
usually needtoinvest alittletime in becoming amember of thegroup you are
visiting. Start out by making friends, and don’t be friendly only to people you
wanttopursue.Makeasmanyfriendsasyoucan,andpeoplewillstarttotrustyou.
One good initial tactic is to go find some people like yourself, not your ideal
opposite number, and make friends with them: they probably know people you
willlike.
Mostofthese gatheringplacesandevents aremade possibleby alot of hard-
workingvolunteers,sotheabsolutebestwaytogettoknowpeopleinagroupyou
like is to volunteer to do something useful: greet folks at the door, help with
refreshments,jointheclean-upcrew.Youwillmeetatonofpeople,andtheywill
be grateful to you. Both of your authors have become valued members of many
communitiesbyhelpingoutandbyofferingourlivingroomsasmeetingplacesto
supportgroupsandsocialfunctions(andthenwedon’tevenhavetoleavehome
toattend).
PersonalAds
Slutshavebeenfindingeachotherthroughpersonaladsfordecades,andpersonal-
adpartnerfindinghasexpandedenormouslyinthelastdecadeortwo,fueledby
thewidespreadavailabilityofInternetaccess.
Asearchon“polyamorypersonalads,”perhapswiththenameofyourcityor
state,turnsupwebsitesthathostpolyandalternativepersonaladsforpeopleofall
gendersandorientations.Anotherfreeoptionisacoupleofonlinesocialmedia
sitestargetedtopeoplewhoshareaparticularsexualinterest,suchasBDSM.Not
onlydothesesitestypicallyofferpersonalads(oftensortedbylocation),butthey
alsohostspecialinterestgroupswhereyoucangettoknowpeoplewhoshareyour
particular interests and kinks. Many such groups collaborate on occasional in-
personmeetupsaswell.
Youcanalsodownloadappsforyourmobiledevicethatenableyoutofindlike-
minded people in your area. Some of these are used primarily for immediate
hookups, while others are likelier to produce people interested in longer-term
connections:wesuggestyoufindoutwhichoneanyparticularappisfor,ifyou
hopetoavoiduncomfortablemisunderstandings.
Some sites specialize in matchmaking. These typically cost money and are
primarily targeted to those seeking long-term relationships; some specialize in
particular religious orientations, professional statuses, racial categories, ages, or
personal lifestyles. At this time, many of these services do not support
nonmonogamouslifestyles,andsomewilleventakedownadsthatmentionpoly,
butwehopethatwillchangeaspolyfolkbecomemorevisible.
PLACINGANAD
Manypeoplefindtheexperienceofcreatingaprofile,apage,orapersonaladon
socialmediatobequitedifficult,requiringadegreeofself-examinationandself-
marketingthatfeelsacutelyuncomfortable.Afterall,hardlyanyonelikestothink
of themselvesas aproductto bemarketed—yet,when youcompose an ad,that’s
exactlywhatyou’redoing.Oneofyourauthors,aformeradvertisingcopywriter,
hasafewsuggestionsthatmaymakeitabitlesspainful.
Doyouwanttobringinasmanyqualifiedpeopleaspossibleorjustafew?Your
answertothisquestionwilldictatesomeofyourad-writingstrategies.Ifyouare
young,cisgender,heteroorbi,thin,female,andhealthy,anadthatcastsawidenet
willdrawmoreresponsesthanyoucanpossiblyanswer,soabetterstrategymight
be to “narrowcast”—to include information about yourself that will enable
inappropriateresponderstolookelsewhere.(You’llstillgetplentyofinappropriate
responses,butyou’llbeabletosortthemoutbecauseofallthenegativesinyour
ad that they’ve conveniently overlooked. Janet ran personal ads for a while that
describedherasmiddle-aged,plump,bisexual,butch,partnered,andaBDSMtop,
andstillgotdozensofresponsesfromguyswhoclearlyhadseenonlythatshewas
femaleandwilling.)
On the other hand, ifyou fall into acategory thatputs youin less demand—
which is, let’s face it, most of us—then you’ll have to decide for yourself how
widely to cast your net. If you know yourself to be charming, easy to get along
with, open-minded, and smart, then perhaps your reader doesn’t need to know
rightthissecondthatyou’recarryingafewmorepoundsthanyou’dpreferorthat
a health condition sometimes prevents you from having as much fun as you’d
wish. (It is, however, conventional to mention up front if you’re already in a
relationship in which your beloveds have some say in how you arrange your
romanticlife.)
Do you want to include a photo? Ads with photos draw more responses than
those without, so your strategy will dictate the answer to that question. Many
peopleprefertochooseaphotothatisnotimmediatelyrecognizable,forprivacy
reasons; a face turned mostly away from the camera or partly in shadow is a
compromise.Please make sure the photois recent and agood likeness—after all,
you’rehopingtomeetatleastoneofyourreadersfacetofaceatsomepoint,and
youdon’twanttostartapotentialnewrelationshipwithsomeonefeelingmisled.
Wedonotrecommendusingphotosofyoursexualpartsunlessyouarelooking
onlyforquickiehookups,andeventhen,manyreadersfindthemoffensive.
Oneadvantageovertheolddaysofpersonaladsinmagazinesandnewspapersis
that you can fine-tune your ad online if it isn’t working the way you’d wish. If
you’re getting swamped with unqualified responses, put in a few of your quirks
andflaws.Ifyou’renotgettingenoughresponses,takeafewout.
Stillstuck?Askaclosefriend—or,betteryet,anexwithwhomyou’reongood
terms—forhelp.Maybeyoucanwriteanadforthem,andtheycanwriteonefor
you.Youmaynotendupusingexactlytheadtheywrote,butitcanbeagreataid
infiguringoutwhatyourclosestfriendsloveaboutyou,whichisprobablywhat
thenewloveryou’llsomedaymeetwillloveaboutyou,too.
“One advantage over the old days is that you can fine-tune your ad if it isn’t
workingthewayyou’dwish.”
Whatever you choose, we advise you to be yourself—so that you can meet
someonewhoisinterestedinyou,exactlyhowyouare.Theconsequencesofoverly
enthusiasticadvertisingincludewakingupinthemorningwithsomeonewhois
crazyaboutapersonwhoisnotyou.Thiswon’tdoyouanygoodatall.
WHATHAPPENSNEXT?
Whenyoumeetpeoplethroughapersonalad,itiscustomarytogettoknowthem
instages,startingwithemailcorrespondence,thenperhapsaphoneconversation,
andthenano-stringsget-togetherinapublicplaceforcoffeeoramealsothatyou
cangettoknowtheotherpersonslowlyandwithaslittlepressureaspossible.Be
awarethatyouknownothingaboutthispersonbeyondwordsonascreen,sotake
thesameprecautionsyouwouldtakeinmeetinganyotherstranger.
A special case: What if you fall in love with a person who wants monogamy?
Thissituationisgoingtobetough.Weknowthatthisisavaliddisagreement,and
alsoavery basic difference.In our more thoughtless moments,wehave blithely
assumed that once this delightful person who has won our heart discovers that
ethical sluttery is possible, they will instantly want to join in—but that is not
alwaysthecase.Pleaserememberthatnobodyisrightandnobodyiswrong;thisis
abouttwodifferentwaysofstructuringarelationship,andboth,orall,choicesare
valid. You may choose for the present to continue exploring this relationship
becauseitisprecioustoyouandyouwanttoseehowthingsevolve,evenifyou
may be disappointed at some time in the future. Both of you need to agree to
tolerate the ambiguity of knowing that you want something different. Entering
intoarelationshipwhileplanningtochangeyourpartnerisnotrespectfultoyour
belovedandcouldmakebigtroublelateron.
Make“forthetimebeing”agreementsabouthowyouwillliveatpresent,and
seek out knowledge and experience that will help you understand each other’s
positions.Readthisbooktogether;readagoodbookonintimacy.Refrainfrom
bad-mouthingeachother’schoices.Attendsomeworkshopstogether—maybeone
onpolyandoneonhotmonogamy.Joinsomeonlinesupportgroupsonrelevant
topics,andfindtimetodiscusswhatyoulearnfromallofthesesources.
Consider the wide spectrum of relationship options available to you—perhaps
theonethatbestfitsyourneedsmaynotbewhatyouthoughtyouwerelooking
for. Meanwhile, we feel sure that you entered into this potentially difficult
situation because there is a great deal that you treasure in this particular
relationship and that the value of your love together outweighs the differences
betweenyou.Whetheryouwindupasfriends,lovers,spouses,orsomethingelse
that’suniquetoyourpairing,wehopeyou’llfindawaytokeeponcherishingthat
love.
20
COUPLESANDGROUPS
Slutsrelateinasmanycombinationsandstylesasyoucanimagine,andmore.Is
there a typology of relationships that could include every wonderful possibility?
Obviouslynot—everyrelationshipisuniqueuntoitself,andthusevenanattempt
tothink intypes andforms is notgoing toexpress the essential truths of what
happenswhenwelovepeople.
Here is one particular and fairly unusual relationship we cherish: ours! Your
authorshavebeenlovers,coauthors,andbestfriendsfortwenty-fiveyears,andwe
have never lived together. We have both lived with other partners during those
yearsandhavebothbeensingletogetherforonlyabrieftime.Ourrelationshipis
atreasure,and no other partner gets toobject—we’ve beendoing this for along
time and we do not intend to stop. Of course, if we wanted to live together we
probablywouldhavebynow,sowearealsonothreattoanylifepartner.(Aslong
as you don’t get threatened by reading in extensive detail about your partner’s
sexualadventureswithhercoauthor—thisisaproblemonlyafewofyouwillever
face.)Itisnothingshortofamiracletousthatourpartneringhasbeensofruitful
andsosereneandsointimateandsoexplorativeoverallthistime.Weagreethat
tolivetogetherwouldrunaterribleriskofspoilingagoodthing.
Everybody ought to have a coauthor. But even if you don’t write, you might
findyourselfmakingconnectionsthatremindyouofsomeofthepossibilitieswe
willdiscusshere.
Whileallconnectionscanbeguidedbythebasicprincipleswe’vediscussedin
earlierchapters,newskillsandconceptsaredevelopeddailybybrilliantslutswho
want to explore the rewards and challenges of their own customized lifestyle. In
this chapter,wewill discuss some ofthe ways of exploringopen sexuallifestyles
and makingyourconnectionssustainable.Evenifitdoesn’tseemlikewhatyou
want has much in common with any of these ways of partnering, we suggest
readingthewholechapter—thereareideasforallofusintheexperiencesofany
oneofus,andsometimesavoicefromsomewhereelsecangiveusjustthepieceof
ourpuzzlewewerelookingfor.
Weallgrewupinaworldinwhichtherewasassumedtobenothingbetween
emotionless sport fucking and committed long-term marriage-type relationships,
leavingthevastterritoryinbetweenopentodiscoverybyrelationshippioneersof
allstripes,includingourselves.Whatinterestingwaysofrelatingtopeoplemight
we,andyou,findbetweenthesepoles?Whenweincludeallourconnectionsinour
pictureofrelationship,weexpandthedefinitionofwhatarelationshipcanbe.
Eachrelationshipseeksitsownlevelwhenweletit.Operatingonthisprinciple,
we can welcome each of our partners for precisely who they are: we don’t need
themto beanybody else ortobringus any particularresourcesor skills.Ifyou
don’twanttoplaytenniswithme,I’llasksomebodyelse,andifyoudon’twantto
playbondagegameswithme,somebodyelsewill—ourrelationshipwillnotbeless
forit.Whatweshareisvaluableforwhatweshare.Period.
“Eachrelationshipseeksitsownlevelwhenweletit.”
We like to be easygoing about sex, but what people mean by “casual sex” is
perhapstoodismissive.Casualsexsoundslikewearesupposedtobedistant:don’t
get too close, don’t expect too much, avoid any expression of intimacy or
vulnerability.
We are now hearing people refer to certain of their lovers as “friends with
benefits,”aninterestingconcept.Whyshouldn’twesharethemanifoldbenefitsof
sexwithourfriends,makingsexanaturalpartoftheloveandhonorandloyalty
andopenheartednessthatwealreadyshare?
Wehavelearnedthemost,andhadthemostfun,andmadethemostwonderful,
richconnections,whenwehavewelcomedeachnewpersonintoourlivesjustas
theyare,withouttryingtoforcethemintothepicturethat’slabeled“relationship”
in our brains. This has been true whether we’ve been single, coupled, part of a
group family, or engaged in any one of the myriad other ways of relating that
creativeandlovingslutscandevise.
Couplings
Weheartoooftenoffolkswhodelightinajoyouslysluttylifestyleuntilthey“fall
in love.” Then, perhaps prodded by cultural messages that love must equal
marriage must equal monogamy, they dive into an attempt at a conventional
lifestyle, often with disastrous consequences. Both of your authors have proven
themselvesnotimmunetothiskindofprogramming.Acautionaryword:sexand
romance,nomatterhowspectacular,arenotreliablepredictorsofsatisfactionand
peaceofmindinalong-termrelationship.
Thereisnoreasonwhyweddingbells,ortheequivalentthereof,needtobreak
upthatoldgangofyours.Manyslutsfinditpossibletocombinethecommitted
stabilityofalifepartnershipwiththepleasuresofsexandintimacywithothers.
However,thereisnoquestionthatbeingaslutwithinacommittedrelationship
hassomespecialchallenges.Evenpeoplewhoknowbetteroftenfind(sometimes
totheirsurprise)thattheirexpectationsofacommittedrelationshipmayinclude
therighttocontrolmanyaspectsoftheirpartner’slives.
While we’re going to write about couples for the sake of clarity, all the
principlesapplyequallytothreesomes,foursomes,andmoresomes.Relationships
taketheirownshapes,butthebestonestendtosharesomebasicprinciples:good
boundaries, mindfulness, and a mutual desire for the well-being of everyone
involved.
As you can probably guess, we don’t much like the idea that a relationship
commitment specifies anybody’s right to anything beyond mutual respect and
caring for each other. Yet once you divorce romantic love from the concept of
ownership,whathappens?Onewomanweknow,whohadneverbeeninanopen
relationshipbefore,wasstartledtofindthatmanyofheroldhabitshadbecome
irrelevant:“Why shouldIbother tolook for stray hairs onthepillow, trying to
sniffoutanytraceofinfidelity,whenIknowthatiftheyhavesexwithsomeone
else, they’ll simply tell me about it?” Yet there are still issues of boundaries, of
responsibility, of courtesy, that complement ownership and promote
sustainability,whichmustbedealtwith.
So,howdoslutsinlovebuildalifetogether?
OurfriendsRuthandEdwardremember:
Wehadamonogamousrelationshipforaboutsixteenyears,thenopeneditup
andstartedinteractingwithotherpeople.Nowwe’retryingtofigureoutwhat
we’recomfortabledoingwithotherpeopleandwhatwewanttoreserveforour
ownrelationship.Sometimes,theonlywaytolocatetheboundaryofour
comfortzoneistocrossitandfeelthediscomfort.Wetrytotakesmallstepsso
thatthepainisminimal.We’redefinitelycommittedtoeachotherandareeach
willingtostopdoingthingsthattheotherfindsthreatening.
Herearesomespecialproblemsthatmaycomeupforpartneredsluts.
Wheneachrelationshipseeksitsownlevel,thensomerelationshipsendupas
life partnerships, which may include sharing living space, possessions, and
sometimesparenting.Othersmaytakeotherforms:occasionaldates,friendships,
ongoing romantic commitments, and so on. Yet many folks find that they’ve
gotten into a habit of letting their relationships slide inexorably into life
partnership without much thought or intent on their part. (Some clever person
coinedthetermrelationshipescalatorforthispattern,becauseonceyoustepon,
youcan’tgetoffuntilyoureachtheend.)Well-meaningfriendsandacquaintances
mayaidinthisprocessbyassumingthatyouandyourfriendareacouplebefore
you’ve ever decided to become one. In addition, many people get coupled by
accident, by virtue of an unplanned pregnancy, an eviction romance where one
partner loses a housing situation and moves in with the other, or simple
convenience.Janetremembers:
Inmyfreshmanyearofcollege,ImetaguyIlikedalot—quietandshy,but
whenhesaidanything,Ireallylikedwhathehadtosay.FinnandIwoundup
goingouttogetheracoupleoftimesandhavingsexafewtimes.Whenschool
ended,wewrotetoeachotheroverthesummer.ThenfallcameandIbegan
lookingaroundforaplacetoliveoutsidethedorms.TheonlyroomIcouldfind
wasadouble-sizedroomthatIcouldaffordonlyifIshareditwithsomeone.So
IcalledFinnandproposedthatweshareit,puttingupapartitionacrossthe
middleandsleepingonseparatemattresses,andheagreed.
Thefirstnightthere,Finnhadalreadygottenhimselfamattress,andIhadn’t
yet—soIsharedhis.Somehow,weneverdidgetaroundtogettinganother
mattress.Wewounduplivingtogetherforacoupleofyears,thengetting
married.Thatmissingmattressledtoafifteen-yearmarriageandacoupleof
kids.
While we’re all for coupledom for people who choose it, we like to see folks
maketheirchoicesabitmorethoughtfully.Wesuggestthatbeforeyouletyourself
slideintosomethingthatyoudon’treallywant,youdosomeseriousthinkingand
talking, alone and together, about what is the best form for this particular
relationship. Talk to each other about what love means to you and how you fit
intoeachother’slives.
You may discover that while you enjoy one another’s company and have
fabulous sex, your habits regarding housing, money, possessions, and so on are
wildlyincompatible.Insuchasituation,youcoulddowhatgenerationsofpeople
have done—move in together and spend years trying to change one another,
gettingfrustratedandresentfulin the process.Oryoucould reconsidersome of
yourimplicitassumptions.Doyouhavetolivetogether?Why?Whynotinstead
enjoyyourfriendforthethingsyoulikeaboutthemandfindsomeoneelsewith
whomtosharethe otherthings?Sluthoodmeans,amongotherthings,thatyou
don’thavetodependonanyonepersontofulfillallyourdesires.
If you know you’re a person who tends to slide into coupledom, we suggest
spendingsometimetryingtofigureoutwhyyou’vefallenintothispatternand
what you hope to get out of being part of a couple. It’s a very good idea for
everyonetolearntolivesingle—tofigureouthowtogetyourneedsmetwithout
beingpartneredsoyoudon’tfindyourselfseekingapartnertofillneedsthatyou
couldequallywellfillyourself.Youmightalsoconsiderexperimentingwithsome
relationships unlike those you’ve tried in the past—instead of looking for your
perfectsoulmate,trydatingsomepeopleyoulikeandtrustbutdon’tnecessarily
love,ormaybeloveinaquieterwaythanchillsrunningupyourspine.
Thekeyistobuildyourownsenseofinternalsecurity.Ifyoulikeyourself,love
yourself,andtakecareofyourself,yourotherrelationshipscanarrangethemselves
aroundyouasperfectlyascrystals.Wehopethatifandwhenyougetcoupled,you
doitonpurpose.
SpecialChallengesforCouples
The commonest form of relationship in our culture, and many others, is the
couple: two people who have chosen to share intimacy, time, and perhaps space
andpossessions,fornowandtheforeseeablefuture.Whilecouplehoodhasagreat
dealtobesaidforit—it’salotofworkbuildingalife,andmanyhandsmakelight
work—italsoofferssomespecialchallenges.
The ideas in this section are written for two-person couples for the sake of
simplicity,butmostofthemapplytothreesomesandmoresomesaswell.
COMPETITION
Oneproblemthatsometimesarisesbetweenpartnersinslutteryiscompetitionto
bethemostpopular,aconcernmostofushavecarriedaroundinthebottomof
ourpsychessincejuniorhigh.Sometimespartnerscompetewitheachothertosee
whocanscorethemostorthemostattractiveofconquests—anuglypicture.
Wecannotreiterateoftenenough:thisisnotacontest,thisisnotarace,and
nobodyistheprize.Onestrategytocutthroughanyfeelingsofcompetitivenessis
to play matchmaker for each other, to invest yourself in your partner’s sexual
happinessasmuchasyoudoinyourown—somepolyfolkusethewordcompersion
todescribethefeelingofjoythatcomesfromseeingyourpartnersexuallyhappy
withsomeoneelse.
Janet recalls meeting a new Internet acquaintance for coffee and hearing her
describe apetsexualfantasy thatwas startlinglysimilar toJanet’s then-partner’s.
Janet set up a first date for her new acquaintance and her partner for later that
week,andthetwoofthem(withJanetjoininginlateron)wentontohavealong
andintenserelationship.
CRUSHES
Wehavepointedoutbeforethatitisimpossibleforanyonetopredictwhatdepth
of feeling may potentially exist in any relationship. Many people new to open
relationshipstrytolimitoutsidesexualencounterstoacasual,recreationallevelto
avoidtheterrifyingspecterofseeingyourpartnerinlovewith,oratleastcrushed
outon,another.Itistruethatsometimesanoutsiderelationshipwillthreatento
becomeprimaryandsupplanttheexistingpartner.Whenthishappens,everyone
involved will feel horrible, especially the partner left behind: it really sucks to
spendmonthsoryearsstrugglingtoownyourjealousyandworkinghardonyour
fearsofabandonment,onlytobeactuallyabandoned.
But it is not possible to predict when or with whom a crush, or any other
deepeningoffeelings,mighthappen,andmostcrushes passin timeanddo not
needtoleadtobreakingup.Wecertainlydonotwanttodrawtheboundariesof
ouragreementssotightlythatweexcludeeverybodywelike.Thereisnorulethat
will protect us from our own emotions, so we need to look beyond rules for
solutionsandforasenseofsecurity.
It can help to do a reality check on your fantasies and expectations. New
relationshipsareoftenexcitingbecausetheyarenew,glowingwithsexualarousal,
andtoountestedtohaveuncoveredtheinevitableconflictsanddisturbancesthat
come with true intimacy over time. Every relationship has a honeymoon phase,
andhoneymoonsdonotlastforever.Somepeoplegetaddictedtothehoneymoon
(whichyoumayhearcalledlimerenceorNRE,whichstandsforNewRelationship
Energy) and wind up flying from partner to partner, always imagining that the
nextpartnerwillbetheperfectone.Suchunfortunatesmayneverstaywithanyone
long enough to discover the deeper intimacy and profound security that comes
with confronting, struggling with, and conquering the hard parts of intimacy
together.
OurfriendCarolwiselynotes:
Sexualtimeisconnectedwithintimatetimeformostofus;wecometodepend
onourpartnersforvariouskindsofemotionalsupport.Sowecangetintothis
patternwhereweshareallourhardemotionalunsexyneeds—alltheworkof
livingtogether,thesicknessandhealth,richerandpoorerstuff—withourlife
partner,andwe’reonourbestbehaviorwithourotherpartners.However,while
beinginalong-termrelationshipmayinvolvetradingawaysomeofthejuicy
excitementofabrand-newunknownpartner,theintimacyyougetinreturnis
valuabletoo,andyoucan’thavethatwithapersonyoumettwoweeksago.
Thetrickistofindawaytomanifestbothpossibilities—theintimacyofsharing
andtheheatofnovelty—inyourownlife.
Remember,please,thatfantasyisnotreality,andenjoyyourfantasieswhilealso
maintaining your commitments. When you expect a crush to be a brief, if
wonderful, experience, you and your partner can live through one with relative
equanimity and without destroying your long-term stability and love for each
other.
TheMultihouseCoupleorGroup
Not all couples or groups live together. In recent years, it has become more
common that partnerships, with all the closeness and longevity of couplehood,
maynonethelessspantwoormorehouseholds,sometimesevenindifferentcities.
Sometimes this situation comes about by happenstance: school or career
commitments,forexample,maycreategeographicaldistance.Othershavemadea
conscious choice, like one duo of our acquaintance who have maintained a ten-
year bond by deciding about three years ago that they should live in separate
dwellings.Accordingtothem,thissavedtheirrelationship.
Thislifechoice,wethink,maywellbecomeevenmorecommoninthefuture.
Intimesoffinancialsecurity,sharingahouseisnolongeraneconomicnecessity.
Individualsinthesearrangementsmaywellbesharingahomewithhousemates,
not necessarily wasting resources living alone. While some of them are
polyamorous, others may be more or less monogamous. Arguments about who
sleepswhere becomeunnecessarywheneverybodyhastheirownbeds,butthat’s
notthemainreasonthesefolksciteforlivingseparately:mostofthemsimplyfeel
thattheirrelationshipsworkbetterthatway.Yourauthors,forinstance,havebeen
coauthorsandloversforaquartercenturyandhaveneverchosentocohabit:we
understand our relationship to be a magical gift that daily living might well
destroy(ifDossie’sinexplicableneedforcleandishesdidn’tdothetrick,Janet’s
devil-may-careattitudetowardpast-duebillscertainlywould).
Weshouldnotassumethatsuchrelationshipsrepresentafailureofintimacyor
commitment.Ratherthanlookforwhatiswrong,wemightwanttoexaminewhat
isuniquelyadaptiveaboutthesearrangementsandwhatspecialskillsorwisdom
havedevelopedfromtheseassumption-challengingpartnerships.
Oftensuchpartnerscreateritualsthatmaintaintheirconnectionwhenapart—
agreements about phone calls, ways of reaffirming love at coming-togethers and
leave-takings,keepingcaughtupwiththenewsineachother’slives,markingone
space or time as “theirs” and another space or time as belonging to one or the
otherofthem.
Makingthisarrangementworkrequiressomeskillsinschedulingandkeeping
time commitments, so differences between individuals in how they handle time
andpunctualitymustbeworkedout.Differencesinpatternsofsexualdesirecan
becomeproblematicwhenopportunitiesdon’thappeneverynight.
Howdoyourespectyourpartner’sspaceinthisarrangementandfeelsecurein
yourown?Doyouhavetogohomewhenyouwantalittledistance,orcanyou
figureoutawaytomaintainyourownspaceinahousethatbelongstooneofyou?
Howmuchstuffdoyougettokeepthere?
People often have differences about how much staying-in-touch they are
comfortablewithwhentheyareapart—somepeoplechatonthephoneortextor
instant message two or three times a day, while others would find that too
distracting.
The differences that all partnerships need to manage don’t go away when
partners live apart: differences in gregariousness, tidiness, sleep schedules, work
patterns, focus on careers, how money gets handled, how often you have your
motheroverfordinner—notwopeoplehaveidenticalpatternsinany,muchless
all,oftheseitems.And—sorry—livingapartisnotautomaticprotectionagainstbed
death.Nordoesitmakeeverytimetogetherautomaticallyanoccasionforsex.
We suspect that couples living separately will not be that different in their
sexuallifestylesfromthosewholivetogether.Itcan,however,makebeingtogether
much more of a special occasion, so people tend to respect these times and be
willingtoinvestalittleeffortintomakingthemspecial.
Onequestionpeopleoftenaskaboutsucharrangementsis,“Thenhowdoyou
knowyou’reapartnership?”Theyknowbyhowtheyfeelabouteachotherand,by
extension,howmuchoftheirlivestheyaresharing.We’dliketoseeaworldwhere
all our relationships are honored and valued and where it is understood that a
partnership’s love and their journey together is in no way less important just
becauseitoccursintwoormorehousesratherthanone.
MetamourRelationships
The word metamour is a recent coinage to describe your relationship with your
lover’slovers,andtheirswithyou.Beingametamourbringsuppointsofetiquette
thatEmilyPostneverdreamedof.
Dossienotes:
IwasonceinarelationshipwithamanwhohadaprimarypartnerwhomIhad
notmet.Ihadaskedtomeether,andshewasconsideringwhethershefeltsafe
enoughtodothat.TheirarrangementwasthatwhenPatrickhadadatewith
me,Louisawouldmakeadatewithherotherlover,andeverybodywould,
hopefully,feelsafeandtakencareof.Unfortunately,Louisa’sotherlover
frequentlystoodherup,andthenPatrickwouldstandmeup,whichIbeganto
findunacceptable.Aftermuchbackandforth,Louisafinallyagreedtomeet
withme—ourfirstmeetingwasn’texactlywarmandfuzzy,morelikea
somewhatdistantefforttosurvivetheoccasion.However,shedidagreethat
Patrickcouldseemewhetherornotshehadadate,andwewouldmakesure
thatshegotplentyofadvancenotice,thathegothomeontime,andthatshe
gotlotsofsupportfrombothofus.Asweworkedthroughthis,LouisaandIgot
closerandcloser—Iparticularlyrememberonenightwhenwewereworried
aboutPatrickandsatuplatetalkingabouthimwhilehesleptinthenextroom.
LouisaandIbecamebestfriendsandwentintobusinesstogether,puttingon
workshopsandtheaterpresentations.PatrickandIwoundupgrowingapartas
lovers,butthefriendshipbetweenLouisaandmecarriedon.
Should you meet the metamour? We vote yes: if you don’t, you’ll almost
certainly wind up imagining someone sexier, more predatory, and more
threatening than anyone could be outside a Hollywood erotic thriller. Besides,
whoknows?—youmightwinduplikingthem.
For your first meeting, choose an easy, nonstressful environment: lunch or
coffee,awalkinnature,amovie(thenyoucantalkaboutthemovieevenifyou’re
havingtroublefindingyourwords).
Doyourbesttofallinlike.Ifyoutakeadisliketooneofyourpartner’slovers,
thingscangetverymessy,andhappybalancescanbehardtofind.Wesometimes
regardloverswhomwedonotinstantlyadoreaswedoin-laws:wemaynotexactly
loveourbrother’swifeorourmother’snewhusband,butwerecognizethatthis
personhasjoinedourfamilyandhasrightsandfeelingsjustlikeeverybodyelse,
sowefindwaystobecordialatthevariousgatheringsthatweallattend.
Someofourbestfriendsarepeoplewemetbecausesomeonewewerefucking
wasfuckingthem,too.Youmayfindyourselfconsideringformingaliaisonwith
this person yourself—we talked to one woman whose first experience with open
relationshipstookplacewhenhergirlfriendwassleepingwithanotherwomanand
our friend wound up falling in love with the other woman. “My girlfriend got
kindofcranky,”sherememberswryly.“We’realltightfamilynow,butittooka
decade to get here.” We suggest a bit of soul-searching to make sure your
motivation is loving or lustful rather than vengeful or competitive—then, if you
“testclean,”goforit.It’sreallynottoosurprisingthatyoulikethesamepeople
your partner likes, and mutual attractions like these can form the nucleus of a
long-lastingandveryrewardinglittletribe.
Ontheotherhand,wesometimesseeslutswhofeelthattheyhavetobesexual
with their lover’s lovers. In some cases, both parties in a partnership have an
agreementtoplaywithathirdpartyonlytogether.Suchagreementsrequirethat
both partners are comfortable with potential thirds—being sexual with someone
youfindunattractiveorunpleasantisaverybadideaforyouandforthem.
Youmaysimplyfeelthatbecauseyourpartnerlikesandlustsafterthisperson
somuch,youshouldtoo—toassuageyourpartner’sguiltortosatisfysomeobscure
sense of fairness. Please don’t. If you simply don’t feel hot for your squeeze’s
squeeze, don’t let yourself be driven into a position where you feel you have to
fuckoutofpoliteness:therearemanyotherexcellentwaysforpeopletorelateto
oneanother.Cookanicedinner,gotothemoviestogether,playcardstogether,or
findsomeotherwaytohelpthispersonfeelacceptedintoyourlife.
Whichbringsupanimportantquestion:howmuchresponsibilitydoyouhave
forhelpingyourlover’slovers feel secure andwelcome?We’ve bothspentmany
longtelephoneconversationsreassuringourmetamoursthat,yes,it’sreallyokay,
and have a great time, honey. We think your own needs should be of primary
importance to you; if you really just can’t be welcoming and supportive, then
simplecivilitycansuffice.Ontheotherhand,wealsothinkit’sgracioustobeas
friendly as you can without having to grit your teeth and force a smile. At
minimum,wesuggestthatyoutrytoprovidesomereassurancethatthisisnota
competition,thatyouarenotbeingharmedbyanythingthat’sgoingon,andthat
youareabletotakecareofyourownemotions—inotherwords,apromisetoown
your own stuff and not blame the third party. After all, such people come into
yourlifebecauseyousharesomethingveryimportant:thebeliefthatyourpartner
isthehottestthingonlegs.Theypresumablyhavebetterthingstodowiththeir
timeandenergythansittingaroundplottinghowtodestroyyourhappiness.
Somecouplestakemeetingandinterviewingprospectivepartnersveryseriously,
and we suggest this strategy when your model of polyamory requires that you
includeanynewpartnerinyourfamily.Peoplewithchildren,forinstance,carea
lotaboutwhocomestothehouseandcouldwindupasanuncleoranauntieto
their kids.Some poly people will nothave sex with alover untilalltheseissues
havebeendealtwith,andthosearefinedecisionstomakeiftheyfityourlifestyle:
longengagementscanbeaverygoodidea.
After the crush is over, some people will find a long-term place in your life,
oftenunexpected,liketheloverwhohasbecomeyourkid’sfavoriteuncleoryour
partner’s business partner. Others may leave, and when they leave with warm
feelings,theymaycomebackagaininthefuture,whenonceagainthereisaplace
fortheminyourlifeorforyouintheirs.Thusinfinitelyconnectedpolyamorous
slutsbuildtheirwebsofextendedfamiliesandtribes.
Two of our favorite sluts have been together nearly twenty years, loving each
other and a lot of other wonderful people. One year, for Tina’s birthday, Trace
boughtherwhatwethinkistheultimateslutbirthdaypresent:threeseasontickets
to an excellent performance series…one for Tina, one for Trace, and one for
whichever of Tina’s lovers she chose to invite to each event. (Dossie got to see
RaviShankar!)
SidebySidebySideby…
Someverycapableslutsmaintainmorethanoneprimaryrelationship.Dossiehas
knownonesuchcouple,RobertandCelia,foralmostfourdecades.Theytogether
raised two children from previous relationships and subsequently some
grandchildren.Eachhasanotherprimarypartner,bothusuallywomen,andfamily
relationshipswithalltheirexes.Robert’soutsidepartnerMaywasoriginallylover
toCelia’sloverJudybackin1985,thenbecameloverswithCelia,andfinallywith
Robertfrom1988tothepresentand,theyintend,onintothefuture.Someyears
ago Miranda and Celia lived upstairs, and Robert and May lived downstairs.
CurrentlyCheryl,anotherofCelia’spreviousgirlfriends,livesupstairsandhelps
with the grandchildren;Miranda,another ofCelia’s exes,visits two days aweek
becauseshelivesoutoftownbutattendsschoolnearby.Areyoudizzyyet?Allof
these people,plus many other friendsandlovers of various degrees of intimacy,
bothpresentandhistorical,andmostoftheirfriendsandlovers,formaverylong-
termextendedfamilythathaslived,loved,andraisedchildrentogetherfornearly
fortyyearsandplanstocareforoneanotherinoldage.Weareimpressed.
OnMarriage
Oneofthequestionsfacingcoupledslutsistheissueofwhethertoenterintothespeciallegal
partnershipcalled“marriage.”Inanincreasingnumberofcountries,evenbeinginasame-sex
relationshipnolongerexemptsyou fromhavingtoaddress this question:same-sex marriage
hasbeenlegallysanctionedintheUnitedStates,inCanada,andinmanycountriesinEurope
andelsewhere, andweapprove. However, wealsothinkitvery important that everyone look
verycloselyatwhat’sunderthecrustwhenwereachoutforthemarriage-rightspieceofthe
Americanpie.
Marriage today is the outcome of government imposing its standards on personal
relationships, legislating a one-size-fits-all mandate for how people in sexual or domestic
relationships ought to run their lives; it is built to support a very specific style of marriage in
whichpartnersmarryyoung,havechildren,andonespouseworkswhiletheotherstayshome.
Many marriages do not fit this pattern and thus are not supported by current laws. In many
states we have community property laws, which means that whatever income or debt either
spousecreatesduringthemarriagebelongstobothspouses:weknowawomanwhosesoon-
to-be-ex-husbanddeliberatelythrewthemintobankruptcybecauseshewasplanningtoleave.
Marriage is, we’re told, a sacrament—a loving ritual where your faith and your community
blessyourunion.Why,then,isourgovernment,theonethatsays“Congressshallmakenolaw
respecting anestablishmentof religion, orprohibitingthefree exercisethereof,” insistingthat
wegetlicenses?Ifmarriageissacred,aswethinkitis,whyislegalrecognitionofarelationship,
alongwithprivilegeslikeinheritanceandparentalrights,restrictedtothosewhoarewillingto
shapetheirlivestoconformtosomebodyelse’sdesign?Andwhyisitassumedtobeonlyfor
romanticpartnerships?Whyshouldn’tyoumarryyourbestfriend,ifthey’rethepersonyouwant
to spend your life with? Dossie’s longest-term nesting partner, who raised her daughter with
her,wasagayman.
Ifwerantheworld,wewouldabolishmarriageasalegalconcept,allowingpeopletoenter
intocontractrelationshipsasallowedbytheperfectlyadequatelawsthatalreadygovernother
forms of legal partnership. Sample contracts could be provided by institutions, attorneys,
churches, publishers, and support networks. Those who wished to perform marriage as a
sacramentcoulddosoundertheauspicesofwhateverreligiousorsocialinstitutionfeltlikea
good fit for them. Under such a system, no agreement would be taken for granted; sexual
exclusivity,moneysharing,inheritance,andalltheotherissues currently coveredbyinflexible
marriagelawscouldbeconsciouslychosenratherthanlegislated.
There is, of course, always a need for laws about the basic responsibilities adults have for
childrenandotherdependents.Taxbreaksandothersupportshouldstillbeavailabletothose
caringforchildrenanddependentelders,whoreallyneedthem.
Loveisawonderfulthing,andwethinkitwouldbeevenmorewonderfulifweallactedlike
responsibleadultsandenteredintothoughtfularrangementsaboutthephysicalandfinancial
foundationsofourlives.
21
THESINGLESLUT
To live single is unusual in most cultures. Most people look on their times of
singlehoodastemporary,oftenaccidental,andtobeendedasquicklyaspossible.
Youarerecoveringfromyourlastrelationship,mourningabreakup,ortoobusy
workingonacareertohandlehuntingforromance.Perhapstherearen’tanygood
candidates around right now. Something better will surely come along soon…so
youwait,noteventhinkingofmakingalifestyleoutofhowyouarelivingtoday.
What would it be like to be intentionally single, to choose for some period of
timetolivebyyourself?Potentialpartnerscanpopupwhenyouleastexpectthem
—andinaculturethatisbuiltintwos,anyrelationshipthathasanylifeinitis
regardedasanescalatortocouplehood.How,then,tostaysingle?
Whatwouldyoursocialsupportnetworklooklike?Mightitbepossibletoget
yourneedsmetandfeellovedandsecurethroughacommunityoffriends,lovers,
family,mentors—yourpersonalhumanresources?
Buildingyournetworkbyyourselfcanbehardatfirst—noonebutyoutomake
thephonecalls,scheduledatesforlunchorthemovies,stayconnected.It’supto
you to build yourself a family and to take care of yourself gently with an open
heart.
Yourrelationshipwithyourselfisalifelongcommitment.Whenyouaresingle,
youhaveuniqueopportunitiestodeepenthatrelationshipwithyourself,tofind
outwhoyouare,andtocelebrateyourjourneyinwhateverrelationshipsyoumay
movethroughasyoutravelthroughyourlife.Tolivesingleandinlovewithmany
isavoyageofself-discovery,anopportunitytogettoknowyourselfintimatelyand
toworkonanychangesyouwanttomakeinyourlife.Dossiewassinglewhenshe
firststruggledwithherjealousy,andhavingitalltoherselfmadeiteasiertosee
inside herself rather than blame someone else and to make conscious decisions
abouthowshewantedtodealwithherfeelings.
Being single over being partnered is not an either/or choice. But our culture
tends to discount singlehood as a lifestyle, and thus very few people choose to
remain single, which means there are limited resources and little social status
available to the single person. Perhaps if being single were an acceptable, even
valued,lifestyle,partnershipsmightdevelopmoreoutofchoiceandlessoutofa
senseofnecessityoradesperategrabforsalvation.
Partnered people get to share the basics of their lives—working together on
shared goals, pooling finances, splitting the hard work of childrearing. Partners
alsogettosharewitheachotherwhenthingsarelessthanpretty—andweallneed
somebodytoletusknowthatwearestilllovablewhenwearenotatourshiniest.
The challenge for the single slut is to find ways to deepen the intimacy in
relationshipsthatmaynotbelifepartnerships.
Being single offers the opportunity to spend time being purely who you are.
Singlesenjoymorefreedomtoexplore,fewerobligations,andtheabilitytolounge
aroundthehouseinaholeyT-shirt,playingvideogames,withnobodythewiser.
“Beingsingleofferstheopportunitytospendtimebeingpurelywhoyouare.”
Perhapsyouaresinglefornegative,andvalid,reasons.Thelastrelationshipwas
a disaster, and you are terrified to try again. You only feel safe controlling your
ownfinancesoryourownkitchenoryourownlife.Theonlywayyouknowhow
to be in a relationship is to try to be the perfect wife or husband or lover or
provider, and you’re exhausted from trying to be someone you are not. You are
recoveringfromabreakup;youwanttoavoidreboundromance;youneedtimeto
grieve.Youjusthaven’tfoundanyonethatyoureallywanttolivewith.
Perhapsyouareactivelychoosingtolivesingleatthistimeinyourlife.Living
alone leaves you free to explore any kind of relationship that crosses your path.
Youcanlovesomeonewhowouldn’tmakeagoodpartner.Youcanlovesomeone
whoalreadyhasapartnerandwhodoesn’tneedyoutohelpwiththemortgageor
taking the kids to the orthodontist. You might choose singlehood because you
lovethejoyofthehunt,themagicofflirtation,allthemysteryandexcitementof
newness.Oryoumightwanttoexplorehowtodevelopsexualconnections with
peopleyoulikebutdonotlove,ortolearntolovewithoutpossessiveness,orto
exploreanyoftheinnumerablerelationshipsthatarepossiblewithout coupling.
Eachutterlyuniquepersonyoumeetoffersanewmirrorinwhichyoucanseea
newviewofyourself:each newlover increases yourknowledgeoftheworldand
yourself-knowledgeaswell.
TheEthicsoftheSingleSlut
What are the rights and responsibilities of the single sexual partner? Start with
rights:youhavethem,andyouwillneedtoassertthem.Toooftenourculturesees
the single partner as “secondary,” “outside,” “an affair,” a “home wrecker,” and
yourplaceintheecologyofanylifeorrelationshiporcommunityisdismissedas
inconsequential at best. What does a single person have to do to get taken
seriouslyinthiscommunityoranyother?Ifyou’reinthisposition,agoodplace
to start thinking about rights and responsibilities would be with some respect,
honor,andconsiderationforeachperson’sfeelings—includingyourown.
THERIGHTSOFTHESINGLESLUT
•Youhavetherighttobetreatedwithrespect—youarenothalfapersonjust
becauseyouaresingle.
•Youhavetherighttohaveyourfeelingsheard,respected,andrespondedto.
•Youhavetherighttoaskforanythingyouwant—thepersonyouaskmay
notgiveittoyou,butyouaredefinitelyallowedtoask.
•Youhavetherighttohavedatesandplanshonored,notchangedbyathird
partysimplybecausethatpersonhasseniority.
•Youhavetherighttochickensoupwhenyouaresickandwhateverother
emergencysupportyoumayneed—ridestotheemergencyroom,helpwhen
yourcarbreaksdown.Yourloversareyourfriends,andfriendshelpeach
otherwhenthingsgowrong.
•YouhavetherighttonegotiatefamilyholidayslikeThanksgivingand
weekendsinvolvingyourownandyourlovers’children:youareamember
ofanyfamilyyouareinarelationshipwith.Howthisworksmaylook
differentdependingonthevaluesofthefamilyyou’reconnectingto,but
youhavetherighttoaskformorethanjustbeingsomebody’sdirtylittle
secret.
•Youhavetherighttohaveandsetlimits:whatyouwillandwillnotdo,what
isandisnotnegotiableforyouremotionalwell-beingandpersonalecology.
•Youhavetherighttonotbeblamedforproblemsinotherpeople’s
relationships.
•Youhavetherighttorefusetobeadumpinggroundforsomeone’smarital
woes—youmaynotwanttolistentohowmuchyourloverwantsadivorce
andyoushouldn’thaveto.
•Youhavetherighttocount.Everybodycounts,includingyou.
•Youhavetherighttobevalued,welcomed,andrespectedasthewonderful
humanbeingthatyouare.
THERESPONSIBILITIESOFTHESINGLESLUT
•Youareresponsiblefordevelopingandmaintaininggoodsolidboundaries.
Boundariesarehowyoucantellwhereyouendandthenextpersonbegins:
goodboundariesarestrong,clear,andflexible;badboundariesareweak,
foggy,andbrittle.
•Youareresponsibleformakingclearagreements.Makeandkeepagreements
abouttime,aboutpublicandprivatebehavior,andaboutcourtesiesin
sharedspaces.
•Youareresponsibleforbeingclearwhenwhatyouwanttosayisno.Don’t
waffleanddon’tmakepromisesyoucan’torwon’tkeep.
•Youareresponsibleforchoosingwhoyouconfideinaboutyour
relationships.Gossipcanbeadestructiveforce,andyetmostofusneedto
beabletotalkoutourstuffwithsomeone.Beclearaboutwhothosepeople
are.
•Youareresponsibleforrespectingtheotherrelationshipsofyourlovers,
especiallytheirlifepartners,andfortreatingthesepeoplewithrespect,
empathy,andopenheartedness.
•Youareresponsibleforsafersex:openingdiscussionwithpotentialpartners,
makingyourowndecisionsaboutyourlevelofacceptablerisk,respecting
otherpeople’sdecisions,andlearningtobeadeptwithlittlebitsofessential
rubber.
•Youareresponsibleforowningyourfeelings.Learntohandleyourown
crisesandgetsupportfromotherswhoarefreetobethereforyouatthat
particulartime.
•Youareresponsibleforbeingstraightforwardaboutyourintentions.When
youpracticebeingopenlyaffectionatewithyourlovers,theymayexpect
morefromyouthanyouareoffering,andyoumustbewillingtospeakout
andmakeyourselfandyourdesirescleartoallconcerned.
•Youareresponsibleforfindingwaystosaywhatanotherpersonmightnot
wanttohear.Singleslutsmayneedtostateuncomfortabletruthsin
relationshipsthatmightnothavethecustomaryintimacyforsuch
vulnerablediscussions.
•Youareresponsibleforpromotingintimacyinallyourrelationships.If
beingsinglemeansthatyouarecommittedtobeingcoollyinvulnerablein
allsituations,you’llbelivinginacoldanddistantworld.
•Youareresponsibleforvaluingandwelcomingallyourloversasthe
wonderful,brilliant,uniquehumanbeingsthattheysurelyare.
RainbowofConnections
Ifyou’resingleandslutty,youmayfindyourselfinteractingwithalotofdifferent
peopleinalotofdifferentpatterns.Hereareafewthatwe’veencounteredandthat
youmay,too.
SINGLESWITHSINGLES
Isn’titfunnyhowwecallsinglepeople“available”?Availableforwhat?Whenyou
aresingle,yourloversmightbeothersingles,butthatdoesn’tmeanthateachof
thoserelationshipsisanythinglikeanyother.
With any individual,you might bedating frequently,regularly,irregularly,or
rarely.Quantitydoesn’talwaysequalquality.Wheneveryoneissingleandnoone
isauditioningforpartners,theneachrelationshipisfreetoseekitsownlevel,and
theremaybefewerobstaclestoflowingintoexactlytherelationshipthatfitsfor
thetwoofyou.
Justbecauseyouaresingleandnotplanningonchangingthatrightnow,please
don’ttakeyourloversforgranted.Letthemknowhowpreciousandvaluablethey
aretoyou.Conventionsaysweshouldbemorereserved:wesaylet’schangethat
convention.Welovehotdates,andwealsolovewarmth.
PARTNERTOAPARTNER
Youmaybedatingsomeonewhohasalong-term,life-sharingpartner—marriedor
livingtogether.Whenyouaredatingthatperson,someoneelse’sfeelingsmustbe
takenintoaccount.
Perhaps you find yourself in the position of sleeping with someone who’s
cheating. Whatever you think about the ethics involved—different sluts make
different choices on this one—it is certain that difficulties can arise when your
lover’spartnerdoesn’tknowaboutyourconnection.Contortionsmayberequired
to keep the partner from finding out—and even with all the cleverness and
forethoughtinthe world,there is nosureway tokeepsuchabigsecret forever.
This kind of secrecy can impose severe limits: if the relationship consists of
weeklytrystsattheno-tellmotel,howmuch connectioncanreallytake place?If
therelationshipgoeswell,someonemayverywellwindupwantingmore.It’sthe
“outside” lover in a secret affair who will most likely get abandoned if anybody
getscaught.
Perhapsyoursweetieisina“don’task,don’ttell”agreement;manycouplesnew
tononmonogamytrythisoneinanattempttofeelsafer.Inourexperience,this
sometimescreatesproblemsforallconcerned.First,manypeoplefindtheirlovers
in their social networks, so keeping them all separate can be difficult or
impossible.Orliesmustbetoldtoprotecttheagreement—andthenit’sbacktothe
cheating paradigm we just discussed. Maintaining untruths, even when you’re
asked to do so, may create distance in any relationship and can be particularly
damagingtolive-inpartnerships,wheresecretsarealothardertokeep.
Ontheotherhand,thingsareoftensimplerwheneverybodyisinformedabout
yourinvolvement.Evenifitstartsoutuneasily,beingoutoftheclosetoffersthe
possibility of working toward learning to be more comfortable. If your lover is
part ofan experiencedpoly couple orfamily,everyoneinvolvedwill knowtheir
boundariesandbeabletoletyouknowwhattheirlimitsare,whichcanmakefora
lot more clarity. If they’re new to this kind of relating, good faith and a
willingnesstotalkthroughproblemscangetyouthroughmostdifficulties.
Your authors have found that we are happiest when everybody knows and
acknowledgeseverybody.Commoncourtesyisessential,asisscrupulousavoidance
ofanythingthatsmacksofcompetitionorone-upmanship.Catfightsareonlyfun
inporn.
Bothofusmuchprefertomeetourpartners’partners andmake friendswith
themwhenatallpossible.Sometimestheyarenotentirelysurethattheywantto
befriendswithus,andoccasionallythey’reprettysurethey’drathernot,butwith
patienceandgoodwill,mostofthemcomearound.Afterall,wehaveatleastone
thingincommon:webothlovethesameperson.
Thereisnoreasonwhyourinterestsneedbeopposedtoour lover’spartners’
interests.Weallwanttocollaborateoncreatingahappyoutcomewhereeverybody
getsrespectedandeverybodygetstheirneedsmetandtheirdesiresfulfilled.Inthe
longrun,weareallonthesameside.
The experienced slut can take some initiative in reaching out to frightened
partners inagentleandopenhearted way.The vulnerabilityoffeeling jealousor
nervousabouteachotherisitsownformofintimacy,andfriendlyfeelingsmaybe
themostusefulresponse.
“Weareallonthesameside.”
Takingcareofapartner’spartnerbysharingsexwiththemisoptionalforboth
of you. It’s rarely a good idea to get intimate with someone just because they
mightfeelleftout.Occasionally,youwilldiscoverasweetfitandbecomelovertoa
couple,aswewilldiscuss soon.Butavoidcommitting yourselftoaninteraction
thatyoudon’tlikeverymuchordon’twantatall.Agreeingtosexyoudon’twant
toassuagejealousyalmostnevermakesthejealousygoaway.Youcanrespectyour
ownlimitswhileofferingsupport,warmth,andwelcometoyourlover’slover.
Aspecialcase:youmayfindyourselfinarelationshipwithsomeonewhoselife
partnershipisnolongerverysexual,whetherfromthenormalcoolingofpassion
asrelationshipsmatureorthroughillnessordisability.Whenyouaredatingsuch
aperson,doremembertoapproachtheirpartnerwithanaddedmeasureofcare
andrespect.Suchpeoplemaybehappythatyouarekeepingtheirpartnerhappy
but still somewhat sorrowful at not being able to fulfill that role themselves. It
helpstorecognizeandhonorthevaluablecontributionsthatpersondoesmake.
ROLE-CONSTRAINEDRELATIONSHIPS
Sometimesyourrelationshipmaybedefinedbytherolesyouplaytogether,roles
thataperson’sotherpartnersmaynotwantorenjoy.Yourconnectioncouldbeas
simpleasaloveofwatchingfootballonTVor,perhapsmorecomplicated,being
the same-sex partner to someone in an opposite-sex marriage. Your shared roles
might be about BDSM, erotic role-playing, exploration of gender, spiritual
journeying,oranyothersharingthatthepartnershipdoesn’tprovide.Yourshared
rolemakesyoupartofafamily’secology,partofwhatmakesitrunsmoothly,and
isbothajoyandaresponsibilitynottobetakenlightly.
LOVERTOACOUPLE
Sometimes sexual connection comes together quite beautifully between multiple
people—athreesome,aquad,orwhatever.Ifyouarefortunateenoughtohavethis
experience, you can expect to honor the relationship that you are privileged to
shareinandtobehonoredasaveryspecialmemberofthatrelationship.Thesex
canbeveryluxurious—thinkofwhatcanbedonewiththoseextrapairsofhands!—
andfeaturevariousconfigurationsoftwoononeortwoontwoorthreeonone
or….Howdelicioustohavemultiplepeoplespoilingyou,howfascinatingtoshare
theactivelovemakingwithothers,avirtuososymphonywhenyougetpracticedat
it.
Theremaybetimeswhensomeonehaslittletodoandcouldfeelleftout.When
thathappenstoyou,thinkabouthowanextrapairofhandsmightbeusefulin
whatever the others are doingandgently joinin.One time,in such a moment,
Dossiewastemporarilyleftoutwhilethecouplewhowereherloverswerehaving
intercourse with each other. She felt a little shy, thought about joining in, and
thennoticedthatthesetwopeople,whohadbeentogetherforquiteafewyears,
were amazingly graceful in their deep connection with each other, so Dossie
settledintowatchforawhileandwasquitecontentjusttowitnesssuchbeauty.
Whentheywerethrough,theywelcomedDossieintotheirembrace,andfurther
delightsoccurredthatwerewellworthwaitingfor.
Youcan,ifyouchoose,gettobeallaboutfunandleavetheheavystufftothe
partnerswhowillgohomewithoneanotherafterward.Ormaybeyou’dratherbe
there to help out when the kids allcome down with chickenpox. Do remember
thatthereisprivilegeinbeinganoutsidepartner:asonefriendofoursputsit,“I
gettobedessert!”
GROUPS
Whenyourloverhasawholebunchofpartners,makingagreementscanlooklike
majortreatynegotiations.Perhapstheothermemberswanttomeetandapprove—
that’s an easy one. Some will want outside partners to clearly understand the
group’s limits and boundaries, especially about safer sex, which is great. We are
veryhappytoseethatsomepolygroupsareverythoughtfulabouthowtheymake
connectiontoanewpersonandarewillingtotakethetimetogetthingsright.
Somegroupsmight want you tojoin in onewayor another—havingsex with
the group, moving in with the group, becoming part of a group marriage—that
mayormaynotfitforyou.You,ofcourse,gettolookatwhat’sbeingaskedand
decidewhetherthatiswhatyouwant,andtodefineyourowndesiresandlimits.
Many initial disagreements can eventually be negotiated if all the parties
involved are open-minded and operating in good faith. And if they aren’t, you
mightbebetterofflearningthatrightatthestart.Onefriendofoursconnected
withapersonwhohadtwoprimarypartnersandwantedourfriendasasecondary.
Butwhenourfriendaskedwhatwouldhappeniftheyweretoacquireaprimary
partner,thenewfriendssaid,“Oh,no,thatwouldn’tbeacceptable.”Soourfriend
optedout.
Mostgroupmarriagesandcircleswehaveencounteredaremuchmorelightly
heldandfloweasilywithnewpartnerswhomaysomedayjointhegroupatlarge,
overtime,andonestepatatime.Dossiebelongedtoonesuchfamilywhenher
daughter was a baby. There were no formal membership requirements, and
everyone fit together and grew together as they went along, with partnerships
forming and separating and reforming on their own timetables, and everyone
responsibleforthewholegangofchildren.Thisadaptivearrangementworkedvery
wellforquiteafewyears—notforever,butforagood,happy,memorablelongtime.
SingleSoliloquy
Dossiewrites:
Someoneataworkshoponceaskedme:“Don’tyougetlonely,livingalone?”It
tookmeasecondtounderstandthathewasn’ttryingtomakemefeelbad.
Whatanacheheinnocentlyopenedinme.Ihadtosay:“Yes,ofcourseIget
lonely.”Andyet…
Ihavelivedabouthalfmyadultlifesingle.Somethingsarehardtodoby
yourself.Iboughtmyfirsthouseafewyearsago.HowIyearnedforapartner!
ButImanaged,somehow.Idealtwithmyfears,aswellaswithrealtorsand
mortgagebrokersandroofersandinspectors,andnowIhaveasweetlittle
homeinthewoods:likeme,itisminetosharewithotherswhenandhowI
choose.
SomeoneaskedmeifIfearedbeingaloneinmyoldage.Iamnowinmy
seventies,andyoubetI’mafraidofthat.Idohavearolemodel—mymother
outlivedmyfatherbyalmostthirtyyears.
Nothinglastsforever.Istillcravethethrilloffallinginlove,thedreamofa
romancesomagicalitcouldneverfade.AndIknowbetter.ButIamaperson
whoprefersburningpassiontosweetreason,andIdon’tconsidermyselfvery
goodatcompromise.Mycompromiseformyownsurvivalistolearntolive
singleandtomakeaverygoodlifeofit:alifelongcommitmenttomyself.
In1969,whenIwasfirstaslutonpurposeandababyfeminist,Idecidedto
livesingleforfiveyearssoIcoulddiscoverwhoImightbewhenI’mnottrying
tobesomebody’swife.ButhowwasIgoingtomakethatwork?Ididn’twantto
liveandraisemychildinacoldworldwithnoaffectionorintimacy,soIdevised
aschemeforsharinglovewithloversIhadnointentionoflivingwith.
IinventedwaysthatIcouldtaketheriskystepsofsharingaffectionopenly
withpeopleIhadnot“secured,”ifIcancallitthat.ItoldthemwhatIlikedabout
them.Igood-mouthed.Isoughtoutopportunitiestobedemonstrative.I
insistedoncallingthefeelingsIhadforeachofmyloversbytheirtruename:
love.AndwhenIhadthecouragetobeloving,theresultwasthatIgotalotof
loveback.SharinganopenaffectionforwhoandwhatIlovearoundmehas
becomethefoundationofmywayoflife,whetherornotIamlivingwitha
partner.
Iamconfidentthatthisapproachcanworkforeveryone,whatevertheir
lifestyle:wouldn’titbeafineworldifweallmadeitapointtohonorandcherish
andopenlyvalueeverypersonwemakeaconnectionwith?
Iliveinthecountry,andIfeelthissamekindofheart-openinglovewhenI
walkonabeachorlookattheworldfromthetopofasmallmountainor
discover,aroundsomebendinatrail,atwo-thousand-year-oldtreestandingin
majesty.Ifeelnodesperation,noranydesiretocling.Ijustfeelhappy.
DoIsometimesfeellonely?Sure.DoIlovemylife?Immensely.SometimesI
thinkIamtheluckiestpersonintheworld.
22
THEEBBANDFLOWOFRELATIONSHIPS
Weobserve,withmuchdelight,thenumberofouroldloverswecountamongour
presentfriends,andwemarvelathowsexualrelationshipscandevelopintofamily
memberships.Thereisarealitylimithere:youhaveonlytwenty-fourhoursaday
todevotetoyourlovelife,andpresumablyyouneedsomeofthosehoursforwork
andsleepandsoon,soyouhaveafiniteamountoftimetodevotetoeachofyour
lovers.Youcanfitonlyacertainnumberofpeopleinyourlifeandexpecttodo
anyofthemjustice.
Wefindthatmostpeopledookaylettingtheirpartnerscomeandgoasitfeels
right for each of them. Extended family sexual relationships are more likely to
growapartthantobreakup.Oneofthewonderful things aboutbuildingsexual
friendshipsisthat,whilepastrelationshipsandsmalleraffairsmaycomeandgo
overtheyears,eachpairinghasitsowncharacteristicanduniqueintimacy.You
createthisintimacythewayyoulearntorideabike—bytrialanderror,slipping
andfalling,andultimatelyzoomingalongtogether.Justlikeridingabike,you’ll
neverforgetthisparticularintimacy oryourownroleinit.Even afterthemost
bitterofseparations,whenconflictisclearedandtimehashealedthewounds,you
mayfindthatyoucanslipthatconnectionrightbackonlikeacomfortableold
glove.
Ontheotherhand,sometimesconflictinanintimaterelationshipgoesonso
long,or seemsso impossibleto resolve,thatit threatens the veryfoundation of
thatrelationship.Wehopeyoubringthesamehighlevelofethicsandconcernto
aconflictedrelationshipthatyoubringtoahappyone.
Itis alwaystemptingtorespondtoamajorrelationshipconflict by assigning
blame.Inchildhoodwelearnthatpain,intheformofpunishmentfromourall-
powerfulparents,istheconsequenceofdoingsomethingwrong.Sowhenwehurt,
we try to make sense of it by finding somebody doing something wrong,
preferablysomebodyelse.
Whatisimportanttorememberisthatmostrelationshipsbreakupbecausethe
partnersareunhappywitheachother,andnooneistoblame:notyou,notyour
partner, and not your partner’s lover. Even if someone acted badly or was
dishonest,yourprimaryrelationshipprobablyisn’tfallingapartforthatreason—
relationships tend to end due to their own internal stresses. Even your authors
havetroublerememberingthiswhenweareinthemiddleofabitterbreakup.
Whenyoufindyourselfwantingtoblame,itmayhelptorememberatruismof
relationshipcounseling:anyproblembelongstotherelationshipitself,noteither
of the people in it. It is useless to try to ascertain who is “right” and who is
“wrong”: the question is, what needs to happen next? If you start looking at
conflictsasproblemstobesolvedinsteadoftryingtodecidewhosefaulttheyare,
youhavetakenanimportantfirststepinsolvingthem.
Some people habitually bear the burden of being responsible for everybody’s
emotionalwell-beingandfeelthey’resomehowat fault becausethey’re unableto
magicallymakeeveryone’spainandtroubledisappear.Suchpeopleneedtolearn
toowntheirownbitandleteverybodyelseowntheirs.
It’s also common for one partner to take too little responsibility. People who
havealotoftheirself-esteemconnectedtotheirabilitytomaintainarelationship
mayfeeltheneedtomaketheirpartnerintothevillaintojustifytheirowndesire
toleave.Thisstrategyisunfairtobothofyou:itgivesthe“villain”allthepowerin
therelationshipanddisempowersthe“victim.”Decidingthatyouhavenochoice
buttoleavebecauseyourpartnerissohorribleisdenyingthefactthatthereare
alwayschoices.Ourexperienceisthatrelationshiptroublesarealmostalwaystwo-
sided: if you can acknowledge your own contribution to the problem, you can
worktowardsolvingit.
One huge exception: if your relationship problems include anybody being
physicallyorsexuallyviolent,oremotionallyorverballyabusive,it’stime toget
professionalhelpinlearningtoresolveconflictinanondestructivemanner.Afew
minutes on your favorite search engine will tell you how to get in touch with
groupsinyourareathathelpbothbatteredandbatteringpartners.Onlyyoucan
decidehowmuchdangeryouarein.Ifyoufeelyouareindanger,youreallyneed
to leave, now. Professional support is often a good idea to deal with substance
abuse—no partner, no matter how wonderful, can resolve something like
alcoholismwithlovealone.Ifachildisbeingabusedinanyway,safetybecomes
thefirstpriority,andyouneedtoleaverightnow—youcanworkonresolvingthese
issuesfromasafedistance.
BreakingUp
Ithappens.Goodrelationshipskillsandhighethicsdon’tmeanyougettobewith
the same partner or partners forever and ever. It is our experience that
relationshipschange,peoplegrowoutofthem,peoplechange.Somebreakupsin
our own lives, as we look back with twenty-twenty hindsight, were actually
constructivemovestowardpersonalgrowthandahealthierlifeforeachofus.At
thetime,however,wejustfeltawful.
Ithelpstorememberthatinthecontemporaryworld,abreakupdoesn’thaveto
meanthatyouandyourexdidsomethingdreadful.Mostofuscancountongoing
through a breakup at some time in our lives, possibly quite a few times. Rather
thanhideindenialortortureourselveswithwonderingwhatwedidwrong,what
wouldhappenifwethought,inadvance,abouthowwewouldlikebreakingupto
beinourlives?
When a traditional marriage breaks up, nobody takes that as evidence that
monogamydoesn’twork—sowhydopeoplefeelcompelledtotakeaslut’sbreakup
asevidencethatfreeloveisimpossible?Yourbreakupmaybeforreasonsunrelated
totheopennessofyourrelationship.Atanyrate,itprobablyisn’tevidencethat
youaren’tmeanttobeaslut:youwouldn’thavedoneallthehardworkittakesto
livethiswayifyouhadn’thadastrongdesireforsluthoodinthefirstplace.
“Why do people feel compelled to take a slut’s breakup as evidence that free
loveisimpossible?”
When a relationship shifts dramatically, it’s great if everybody feels calm
enoughtoseparatewithaffectionandequanimity.Butalltoooften,partnerships
breakupinaharshway,withpainful,angry,hurt,and/orbitterfeelings.Griefat
losing a relationship that we had counted on cuts deep, and while we are going
throughthehurtfulprocessofanunwelcomeseparation,noneofusisatourbest.
Awholeconstellationoffriendsandloverscanbeaffectedbythebreakupofany
two partners within, and you may be called upon to support a lover grieving
someonewhoisnotyou.
Ithelpstolookatgrievingasproductivework.Losshasleftaholeinyourlife,
andyouneedtoporeoverwhatyouvaluedasyoufigureouthowyouwanttofill
theemptyspaceandknitthewoundtogether.Youprobablywillneedtodothis
work on your own—your ex can’t do it for you. Feelings of grief, abandonment,
anger, and resentment that are overwhelming today will probably seem sad but
manageableafewmonthsfromnow.Asthemostintensefeelingsdiedown,you
can find a good time to get back into communication with your ex—have some
coffeeorgotoamovieorsomesuch.Itwouldbeashamenottocomeoutofthis
breakupwithatleastafriendship,afterallyou’veshared.
BreakupEtiquetteintheTwenty-FirstCentury
Sadly, many people approach the ending of a relationship as if they have been
givenalicensefordrama,andfurthermore,somepeoplejustcan’tleaveinagood
way. They need someone to blame—a villain, a perpetrator, a bad person—to feel
okayaboutthemselvesortocleartheirconsciences.
TheInternethasprovideduswithfabulousnewtechnologyforaccomplishing
interpersonaldrama—friendingandunfriending,publishingyourwiseandwicked
judgmentsaboutyourrecentlybeloved,spreadingyourindignationlikelavaover
everything.
SowhilesurfingtheWebhasbroughtnewopportunities,tonsofinformation,
and a great many joys into the lives of contemporary sluts, it also offers
unprecedentedopportunitiesforactingout,especiallyduringthesensitiveperiod
surroundingabreakup.
All the rules that tell us who it’s safe to confide in go triple when electronic
communication is involved. If you’re in the habit of using your blog or social-
networkingpageasyourpersonaljournal,pleaseconsiderkeepingaseparatepage—
ifit’sonline,lockitsoyou’retheonlyonewhocanseeit,butweactuallyprefer
paperforthis.Youcanpouroutanger,blaming,grief,andalltheotheremotions
that are important to feel but inappropriate to share with your entire online
community.Thenyoucanburnit.
Asforjuniorhighschoolbehaviorlikemakingabigdramaaboutunfriending
someone on your page—well, just don’t. If it’s no longer appropriate for an
individual to have access to your personal information, consider posting less
personalinformationforawhile…or,ifyouabsolutelymust,simplyremovethat
person from your friends list without comment to them or to anyone else.
Unfriendingsomeonesoyoucanbad-mouththembehindtheirbackissillyand
rude,andthey’llprobablyhearaboutitfromsomemutualfriendanyway.
If you look at advice columns from the early twentieth century, there is
considerablejudgmentabouttherudenessofusingatypewritertowriteapersonal
letter: new technologies often seem very impersonal at first, and email is no
exception. The disadvantage of email and social media is that on a computer
screen,youcan’tuseyourfaceorbodytocommunicate,andemoticonsdon’thelp
much.Thesetechnologiescanbeveryhelpfulinclarifyingapointthatfeelstoo
emotionalordangeroustocommunicatewithyourvoice,butitcanalsocomeoff
soundingalotharsherthanyoumeantit,becauseyoursympatheticsmilegetslost
somewhereintheether.
WhoGetstheFriends?
Oneofthejoyousconsequencesofopensexuallifestylesisthateverybodytendsto
get interconnected in an extended family, sexual circle, or tribe. When a couple
breaks up with lots of pain, then the whole circle is affected. For the people in
pain,itcanfeellikethereisnoprivacy.Yourfriendsandotherloversmaybefull
oftheirownideasaboutwho’sinthe wrong.Ithurts them whenthey feelyour
pain,sotheentirecirclemaystartlookingforsomeonetoblame.
Ethically speaking, the separating pair has some responsibility toward their
intimate circle, and the circle has some responsibility toward the erstwhile pair.
The breakers-up should refrain from trying to split the community. In other
words, don’t demand that all your friends sever whatever friendships they may
have with your ex,and don’t divideyourcommunity upintothose whoareon
yoursideandthosewhoareagainstyou.
“Theseparatingpairhassomeresponsibilitytowardtheirintimatecircle,andthe
circlehassomeresponsibilitytowardtheerstwhilepair.”
Privacyisatouchyissuebecausenoonelikestheconsequencesofgossiprun
amok—butweallneedaconfidanttotellourtroublesto,especiallyinhardtimes.
Sometimes separating couples can make agreements about who it’s okay to talk
about private matters and who we would rather not have familiarized with our
dirtylinen.
Ifyoufeelthatyouandyourexshouldnotbeatthesamepartiesforawhile,
youneedtoworkthatoutwitheachotherandnotwindupscreamingatyourhost
forhavinginvitedbothofyoutothesameevent.Itisparticularlyunethicaltocall
upthehostofacertainpartyanddemandthatyourexbedisinvitedortothreaten
nottocomeifyourexisinvited.Thisamountstofoistingyourworkoffonyour
friends.Itisyourtasktosetyourboundaries,tomakeagreementswithyourex—
and,ifyoufindyourselffeelingbadinanyplacewhereyourexisalsosocializing,
itisyourdecisionwhethertostayorleave.Ifyouwindupdecidingthatyouwant
toattendthiseventsomuchthatyouwilljusthavetodealwithyourex’spresence,
goodforyou:youwillgetsomepracticeatsharingsocialspacewithyourex,which
you are going to need to do eventually unless one of you moves to Timbuktu.
Eventually, with practice, you will get good at dealing with your feelings about
yourex,allthiswillhurtless,andyouwillbeclosertoachievingresolutionand
evenpossiblyfriendshipafterabitterbreakup.
Your circle of friends and family is responsible for not getting split, for
listening without judging, and for understanding that all of us think harsh
thoughtswhilewearebreakingup.Validatehowbadyourfriendfeelsandtakeany
condemnations with a grain of salt. The exception to this rule occurs when a
breakupisbasedontherevelationofseriousissues,likerape,domesticviolence,
ordestructivesubstanceabuse:therearenoeasyanswershere,becauseacircleof
sexualpartnersreallydoesneedtomakejudgmentsaboutthesethings.Butmost
of the time, the accusations are about what a thoughtless, selfish, insensitive,
needy,bitchy,dishonest,manipulative,passive-aggressive,rude,andstupidasshole
that ex-partner is; we have all been all of these at some time or another, so we
shouldbeabletounderstandandforgive.
HappyEndingsArePossible
Whilebreakupsareveryhardforallconcerned,andwhileweunderstandthatyou
mayfeelveryangry,sad,abandoned,orilltreatedforawhile,weimploreyouto
rememberthatyoursoon-to-be-ex-partnerisstillthesameterrificpersonyouused
tolove;burnnobridges.Janetsays:
Afterourdivorce,Finnwasveryangrywithmeandprettydepressed,andIfelt
veryguilty.Still,forthesakeofthekidsofwhomwehadjointcustody,wemade
apointofstayingoncivilterms.Now,thirtyyearslater,Icounthimamongmy
bestfriendsandwoundupbeingoneofhissupportpeopleduringhisserious
illnessacoupleofyearsback.Ifwe’dbeenawfultooneanotherbackwhen
thingswererawanddifficult,Idon’tthinkwe’dbeabletobeonsuchgood
termstoday,andwe’dbothhavemissedoutonaveryimportantandrewarding
friendship.
Smartslutsknow,eveniftheysometimesforgetintheheatofconflict,thata
breakupneednotmeantheendofarelationship—itmaybe,instead,ashifttoa
different kind of relationship, possibly a relationship between courteous
acquaintancesorfriendsormaybeevenlovers.
Dossierelates:
IdatedBillfortwoyears,duringwhichourconnectiononalllevelswas
wonderfultome,especiallyanintensesexualconnection:weexploredawhole
lotoffirststogether.Sowemovedintogether,andthatlastedforallofsix
monthsbeforeweblewupinamassivefightandseparated.Wereallydidhave
verydifferentlifegoals.Itwasaboutayearbeforewecouldbearoundeach
othermuch,butthenwestarteddatingagain,andthesexwasevenhotterand
moreprofoundthanbefore.Wewoundupgettingtogetheronceamonthorso
forthefollowingnineyears,asgoodfriendsandlovers,continuingthelovely
steamysexthathadbroughtustogetherinthefirstplace.
EXERCISE:AHEALTHYBREAKUP
Makeupthreebrief,differentstoriesaboutahealthyconstructive
breakup. Include details about how each person could work
through difficult feelings. Invent agreements for right after the
breakup,forsixweekslater,andforsixmonthslater.
One of the nice things about being an ethical slut is that your relationships
don’thavetobeeither/or:youmayhaveasmanywaysofrelatingtoyourfriends
andloversasyouhavefriendsandlovers.Onceyouhavesurvivedabreakup,nota
lotworsecangodown.Arelationshipwithanexisrealsecurity,afriendshipwith
someonewhohasseenyouatyourworst.Whenweknowsomeoneasdeeplywedo
our exes, with their complete complement of flaws and failings, we have the
foundation of a truly intimate and important relationship that can continue to
change,grow,andprovidesupportformanyyearstocome.AsEdnaSt.Vincent
Millaywrote:
Afterall,myerstwhiledear,
Mynolongercherished,
Needwesayitwasn’tlove
Justbecauseitperished?
23
SEXANDPLEASURE
Sex is nice and pleasure is good for you. We’ve said this before, and it bears
repeating. Your authors have enjoyed sex for its own sake, naturally and
comfortably,butwewantyoutoknowthatitwasn’talwaysthiseasyforus.Ina
culturethatteachesthatsexissleazy,nasty,dirty,anddangerous,apathtoafree
sexualitycanbe hardtofindandfraughtwith perils. Ifyouchoosetowalkthis
path, we congratulate you and offer you support, encouragement, and—most
important of all—information. Start with the knowledge that we, and just about
everybody else who enjoyssex without strictures,learnedhowtobethis way,in
spiteofthesocietywegrewupin.Andthatmeansyoucanlearn,too.
WhatIsSex,Anyway?
Thewordsexgetsusedasthougheveryoneagreesonwhatitmeans,butifyouask
peoplewhattheyactuallydowhentheyhavesex,you’llhearaboutahugerangeof
behaviorsandinteractions.
Wehavetalkedbeforeaboutsexbeingpartofeverythingandabouteverything
beingpartofsex.Nowlet’stalkaboutthepartsthatmostpeoplecallsex—theparts
that involve lips and nipples and clits and cocks and orgasms. Sex may involve
theseparts,butwedon’tthinkit’saboutthem;the genitals andother erogenous
zonesarethe“how,”notthe“what.”
The “what”—what sex actually is—is a journey into an extraordinary state of
consciousness,wherewetuneouteverythingextraneoustoouremotionsandour
sensesinthisverymoment,travelintoarealmofdelicioussensation,andsoakin
thedeepconnection.Thisjourneyisavoyageofawakening,asifthenerveswhose
jobitis totransmitfeelings of delight hadbeen lying asleepbut havesuddenly
leapttoattention,aflame,inresponsetoanibbleoracaress.
Perhapswhatwecallforeplayisawayofseeingjusthowawakewecanget—all
excited attention from the tips of our toes out to the ends of our hair—the
pricklingofthescalp,thetinglinginthearchofthefoot.Thegloriousmiracleof
sexual anatomy is that any of these awakenings can set off the swelling in the
loins, lips, nipples, butts, cocks, and cunts, which awakens lots more intense
nervousnetworksburiedinsideus,untilwearealllituplikefireworks.
Sex is anything you do or think or imagine that sets the train in motion: a
scene in a movie, a person on the street you think is hot, swelling buds of
wildflowersburstinginameadow,afragrancethatopensyournose,thewarmsun
on the back of your head. Then, if you want to pursue these gorgeously sexy
feelings,you canincrease theswelling tension,andyoursensualfocus,with any
kindofthinkingortouchingortalkingthathumanscandevise:stroking,kissing,
biting,pinching,licking,vibrating,nottomentioneroticartanddanceandhot
musicandsilkystuffnexttoourskin.
Sosexcoversamuchlargerterritorythangenitalstimulationleadingtoorgasm.
Sexthat’slimitedtoperfunctoryforeplayandthenaracedowntheexpresstrackto
orgasmisaninsulttothehumancapacityforpleasure.
Here’sahappywaytoanswerthequestionofwhatissex:ifyouoryourpartner
iswonderingwhetheryou’rehavingsexatanygivenmoment,youprobablyare.
Weliketouseanexpandeddefinitionofsex,includingmorethangenitals,more
than intercourse,more thanpenetration,and, whilewedefinitely wouldn’t leave
themout,muchmorethanthestimulationsthatleadtoorgasm.Weliketothink
thatallsensualstimulationissexual,fromasharedemotiontoasharedorgasm.
“Sex that’s limited to perfunctory foreplay and then a race down the express
tracktoorgasmisaninsulttothehumancapacityforpleasure.”
Whenweexpandourconceptofwhatsexis,andletthatbewhateverpleasesus
today,wecanfreeourselvesfromwhatwecallthetyrannyofhydraulics,thechore
of timing everything to suit an erection, interruptions for birth control and
barriers,ifwedecidethatoutercourseisperfectlygoodsexinandofitself.
Pleasureisgoodforyou.Sodowhatpleasesyouanddon’tletanybodyelsetell
youwhatyououghttolike.
BringingCleanLovetoSex
Rememberthecleanlove,inthemomentandwithoutexpectations,thatwetalked
aboutearlierinthisbook?It’saskillyoucanbringtoyoursexlife,andit’sbased
ongettingpresentandacceptingyourself.
Castyourmindbacktoyourchildhood,sometimeyourememberbeinghappy.
Children are naturally adept at being in the moment. To recover that
consciousness,takeyourselftoaparkandinvestigatethatinterestingtwigyou’ve
foundintheinterestingdirt.Gotoabeach,takeyourshoesoff,andwadeatthe
water’sedge:howdoyourtoesfeelinthegrass,thesand,thesurf?Digaholein
the sand while the tide is coming in. Pay attention to your surroundings; pay
attentiontoyourexperience.
Then pay that same rapt, joyous attention to your beloved; this will probably
feelgood.Sodoitsomemore—youareaniceperson,soisyourbeloved,andyou
bothdeservetofeelgood.
Handsonskinisagreatwaytogetintothepresent,intoconnection,andinto
love.Findsomelotionandmassageyourlover’sfeet.Taketurns.Putasidefuture
tripping: will this lead to sex? Who cares? The two of you are in the moment,
feelingyourfeet.
Yourauthorsareinnowayopposedtotheintensebeautyofgenitalsex.Butall
ofusneedtoworkonpayingattentiontowhatwefeelinthemomentandtohow
thatconnects us tothe peoplewelove.We arenotinthe momentwhileweare
planningthefuture.Toomuchwonderfulsensualjoygetslostinprojectingwhat
willhappennext.Learntoenjoymystery,thatlittlefrissonupthespinewhenyou
realizethatyou’reonapathtosomethinginteresting.Followthatpathandfind
out where it meanders; appreciate the miracle. Don’t miss the glories of the
momentinyourzealtozoomuptothecrotchlikeasuperhighway,fastas ever
youcan.Efficiencyisnotwhatwe’relookingforhereandnow.
Thefeetarerelaxing,youhearagroanofecstasy:shouldyouslideyourhandup
thatgorgeousleg?Oops!Letgoofthatandgetbacktothosetender,sensitivefeet.
Nobodycanrelaxandfeeltheirfeetifthey’reworryingaboutwhatyouaregoing
to do next. When you bring your full attention to making those feet feel better
thantheyhaveeverfeltbefore,you’reinthemomentandsoisyourpartner,lost
intheblissofatingling,creamyinstep.Then,thismightbeagoodtimetoclimb
upyour partner,wrapthemup in a huge hug,savorthatforafew minutes,and
thenwhisper:“Wouldyouliketogofurther?”
Whatever“further”maybe,vowtostaypresentwiththat,too.Perfectpresence
andacceptanceisanideal,perhapsnevertobeperfectlyachievedbuttranscendent
eveninthetrying.It’sajoyouspracticeoflettinggoofwhat’snotneededright
now, washing away all the grit and dust of your histories and expectations, and
opening yourself as completely as possible to meeting another person in the
fullnessofyouropen,waitingheart.
WhatObstaclesDoYouFace?
Goodsexseemsasthoughitoughttobeeasy—butoften,inourexperience,itis
not.Everythingfromignorancetodistractioncangetinthewayofresponsible,
enjoyablesex.Here’sourA-listoffun-spoilers.
SEX-NEGATIVECULTURALMESSAGES
Manyofusstartoutparalyzedbyshameandembarrassment,evenafterwefigure
outthatwedon’twanttobeembarrassedbysex.Thebeliefsweweretaught—that
ourbodies,ourdesires,andsexaredirtyandwrong—makeitveryhardtodevelop
healthysexualself-esteem.Manyofusspentouradolescencesconsumedwithguilt
for our sexual desires, our fantasies, and our masturbation, long before we
managedtogettogetherwithanotherhuman.Whenwedidconnectwithothers,
many of us spent those encounters obsessing about our performance, so busy
worryingwhetherweweredoingitwrongthatweforgottonoticehowgooditfelt.
When our desires and fantasies stretch further than a monogamous marriage
with a member of the opposite sex, we suffer additional attacks on our self-
acceptance—tosome,wearesex-crazedperverts,objectsofscorntoothersand,all
toooften,ourselves.Accordingtosomepeople,evenGodhatesus.It’shardtofeel
goodabout an expansive sexuality when you feel sobad about yourself thatyou
justwanttohide.
BODYIMAGE
None of uslooks sexy enough.The advertising andfashionindustries see fitto
linetheir coffers by makingusallfeelbadaboutourbodiessothatwewillbuy
moreclothes,makeup,evencosmeticsurgery,inadesperateattempttofeelokay
abouthowwelooktoothers.Eventhoseluckysoulswhoareyoungandthinand
cutesufferfromconstantworryabouthowtheylook:whyelsedoyouthinkthey
throngtoplasticsurgeonsandcosmeticians?
Themorepeopleyouwanttosharesexwith,themorepeopleyouaregoingto
havetoexposeyournakedbodyto,sothereyouare.Toenjoyafreesexuality,you
needtocome totermswith the body youare living in,unlessyouwanttowait
untilyoulosetwentypounds,whichcouldtakeforever.Oruntilyoulookyounger
—don’tholdyourbreath.Doremember:yoursexinessisabouthowyoufeel,not
howyoulook.
“Themorepeopleyouwanttosharesexwith,themorepeopleyouaregoingto
havetoexposeyournakedbodyto.”
AGEANDDISABILITY
Itisfoolishandrudetoassumethatpeoplewithphysicaldisabilitiesdon’tenjoy
sex. Differently abled people may engage in differently organized forms of
sexuality,butthatdoesn’tmeannosexatall.Peoplewithspinalcordinjurieswho
havelostallsensationbelowtheneckreportorgasms:thereisalessonforallofus
abouthowsensitiveourearsandlipscanactuallyget.
Sexforapersonwithphysicaldisabilitiesisnotthatdifferentfromanyother
formofsex.Focus onwhatyoucando, whatyoucanfeel, whatfeels good,and
howtogoaboutexperiencingthemostintensefeelingsthatthisparticularbody
canfeel.Learnaboutyourbodyjustasanyotherpersondoes.Whatsupportsyou
in moving or reaching? How can you deal with any medical appliances? What
safetyprecautionsmustyoukeepinmind?
Most important of all, what do you like? People who have lost physical
sensation inaccidentsmay spendalong timerediscovering whatthisnewbody
candoandfeel—findingwhatfeelsgoodisthejoyfulpartofthejourney.People
disabledfrombirthorchildhoodoftengettreatedasnonsexualbeings;theymay
needtoworkwhentheygrowuptodiscoverwhattheirsexualitycanbe.
Don’t forget the advantages of using tools—vibrators tap into the entire
electrical grid for their strength and endurance and never get repetitive stress
injuries.Implementscanreachwherearmsmaynot,andpillowscanpropupany
limbsthatneedpropping.Sexwithourvoices—dirtytalkandphonesex—iswithin
the capabilities of many who cannot manage some of the physical stuff.
Medications—hormones that keep vaginas flexible and moist, pills that help
sustainerections—canhelpwithsomeofthesexualchangesthatrelatetoagingor
healthissues.
Investigate possibilities. Whether disabilities are visible or invisible (like
asthma or diabetes), you get to explore what works for you and get cooperation
fromyourpartnerstoworkaroundanythingyourbodycan’tdo.
If being a lover to a physically challenged person is hard to imagine, don’t
forgetthatonedayyouwillbe old—at whatagedoyou plantogive upenjoying
sex?Willyoujustgiveupatthefirstbitofarthritisthatinterruptsanicethrash
with a painful twinge? We do hope this book supports you in grasping your
sexuality in any way that works for you. Remember, the most important sexual
organisalwaysfoundbetweentheears.
SEXDISINFORMATION
Anotherobstacleonourcourseisinaccurateorjustplainbadinformationabout
sex.Formanyyears,informationaboutsexualbehaviorandbasicfunctioningwas
censored, along with most other discussions of sexual pleasure. Depending on
where you live in the culture now, you may or may not have access to good
information.Weneedtobecomeactivists,fightingtoprotectourrighttoaccurate
andpositiveinformationaboutsex.
To acquire a basic knowledge of sexual functioning and the sexual response
cycle, we recommend strongly that you read one or several good books. Books
aboutsexprovidealotofinformation—morethanwecangiveyouinachapter—
abouthowsexworksandwhatyoucandoaboutitwhenitisn’tworkingaswellas
you’dlike.Self-helpexercisesareusuallyprovidedforconcernsabouterectionsor
orgasms,timing,comingtoosoonortooslowly,andwhattodowhenyoucan’t
findyourturn-on.Youcanlearnmorestrategiesforsafersexandbirthcontroland
more language so you can more easily talk with your partners about all of this
goodstuff.Somecleverslutsreadachapteraweekofagoodbookwithapartner
and perhaps talk about it on Friday over dinner—a nice way to prepare for the
weekend.
ThesedaysthereisalsoalotofinformationanddiscussionontheInternet.We
applaudthisfreedomofinformation,andwealsowantyoutobecarefulbecause
much of the information you read and hear about sex will be inaccurate.
Moreover,alotofsexontheInternetisporn,whichiswrittenanddirectedand
stage-managed to turn people on, not teach them, and which often contains
behaviors that are unrealistic for real people in real bodies in real bedrooms.
Because sexology is such a new science, and because research into what people
actuallydoinsexisdifficulttocompileandofteninconclusive,fairytalesabound,
andrealitycanbehardtocomeby.Collectalltheinformationyoucan,usewhat
worksforyou,andtakeitallwithagrainofsalt.
Thebestpartoflearningaboutsexisthatyou’lllovethehomework.
SPEECHLESSNESS
Ifyoucan’ttalkaboutsex,howcanyouthinkaboutit?Thehistoricalcensorship
ofdiscussionaboutsexhasleftuswithanotherinability:theactoftalkingabout
sex,ofputtingwordstowhatwedoinbed,hasbecomedifficultandembarrassing.
Althoughmostofushavehadtheexperienceoffailedsexualfunctioninginone
wayoranother,mostofusnevergetthechancetogetsupportfromourfriends
andloversaboutit—sexualdysfunctionbecomesoursecretshame,apositionfrom
whichitisvirtuallyimpossibletofigureoutawaytofunctionbetter.
What little language we can use to talk about sex is riddled with negative
judgments. Either you speak in medical language of vulvas and penile
intromission, or you have gutter language (fucking cunt, hard dick) that makes
everythingsoundlikeaninsult.Whatyoucan’ttalkabout,youcanhardlythink
about.Peoplewhocan’tusewordsoftenresorttotryingtocommunicatewithout
words:pressingtheirpartner’sheaddownward,movingtheirhipstotrytogetthat
tongueinjusttherightplace,feigningecstasywhenahandstraysinvaguelythe
right direction…while hoping desperately that the bewildered partner will figure
out what they’re trying to ask for. Wouldn’t it be easier if we could just say, “I
wouldreallyloveitifyouranyourfingeraroundmyclitinacircleinsteadofup
anddown”or“Ineedyoutograbmydickmuchharder”?
GOALORIENTATION
Thetyrannyofhydraulicsisatremendousobstacletoterrificsex,andnotinthe
waythatthemanufacturersofcertainmedicationswouldhaveyoubelieve.Many
people believe that if there is no penis with an erection, nothing sexy is
happening. (Lesbians, of course, disagree vehemently.) Many penis owners feel
theycan’tevenengageinforeplaywhiletheyaresoft,andmanyoftheirpartners
are insulted if they discover a soft penis. Still more people are completely
nonplussed if the penis in question decides to release at a time that is
inconvenientfortherestoftheactivity,asiftherewerenosexafterejaculation.
Wewanttoencourageyoutothinkbeyondthehydraulicsoferectionandallow
your playful explorations to go wherever they want to go, no matter where the
participantsmaybeinthesexualresponsecycle.
When sex becomes goal-oriented, we may race to orgasm with such single-
mindedfocusthatweneverevennoticeallthelovelysensationsthatcomebefore
(and,forthatmatter,after).Whenweconcentrateourattentionongenitalsexto
theexclusionoftherestofourbodies,weareexcludingmostofourselvesfromthe
transaction. When we ignore most of the good parts, we increase our chance of
developingsexualdysfunctionandwemissoutonalotofdeliciouspossibilities.
GENDERROLES
Tobetrulyfreetoexploreoursexualpotentialtothefullest,mostofusneedto
examine how we have been taught that someone of our gender is supposed to
enjoy sex. Many of us were taught that it is natural for men to be sexually
aggressiveandforwomentobepassiveresponders.Yourauthorslikeboththese
rolesandmanyothers,too.Whenitcomestowhatfeelsgood, weareall highly
individualhumanbeings.
Whensomeoneisforbiddentobereceptive,theyarenotallowedforeplayorto
ask foranysensory inputatall.Sothenifthey arenotautomaticallyturnedon
whentheirpartneris,theymaywindupthinkingthey’reimpotent,whenallthey
needisalittlenibblingontheears.
Those whose upbringing has consigned them to passivity can fall into the
Sleeping Beauty trap—someday my prince will come, and so will I. In the real
world, however, someone who is allowed to take their turn at being the active
partneriswellonthewaytowardfiguringoutforthemselvesandtheirloverswhat
worksforthemtogetreally,reallyhot.
Activeandreceptivearebothgreatroleswhenthey’renotdependentongender.
Thinkoforalsex—issixty-ninethe onlywaytoenjoyit?Oristhereaparticular
delightintakingturns?Whenwefocusontheactiverole,wecanallbegreatlovers
andgetoffonourpartner’spleasure.Whenit’sourturntoreceive,wecantruly
appreciatethegiftwearebeinggiven,nottomentionfeelingfreetothrashand
shriekandotherwisedivecompletelyintohowwonderfulitfeels.
“Active and receptive are both great roles when they’re not dependent on
gender.”
We’dlovetoseeaworldwhereeverybodyknewhowmuchlovelysextheyhave
togiveintheactiveroleandhowmuchtheygivetheirpartnerwhentheyreceive.
HowCanWeLearnGoodSex?
Themythologyhasitthatonceyoustarthavingsex,itwillallcomenaturally—and
ifitdoesn’t,thenyoumusthavesomedeep-seatedpsychologicalproblem,right?
We’re not sure why sex stands alone in this regard. If you want to get good at
anything, from cooking to tennis to astrophysics, you’re going to have to put
someeffortandtimeintolearninghow.
Onefriendofourshadherfirstorgasmattheageofthirty-four,afterreading
forthefirsttimeinoneofthesexmanualsthatbecamepopularintheearly1970s
thatitwasokayforhertomasturbate—she’dgrownupinthegenerationthatwas
told masturbation would make you sick or crazy. This is a horrible story—how
manyyearsoforgasmsdidthiswomanmissbecauseofbadinformation?
Whateveryoudonowyoulearnedsomewhere,somehow,soyoucanlearnnew
ordifferentsexualskillsandhabitsifyouchoose.Learningrequiressomeeffort,
buttherewardsaregreat,andweknowyouwillbebraveandpersistent.Manyof
the books we recommend include exercises you can use to expand your sexual
skillsandyourrepertoire—trythem.
TalkDirty
Talk to people about sex. Ask them about their experience and share yours. A
friend of ours used to believe that she was the only person in the world whose
cheeksgotsorefromsuckingabigcock.Talkingtoafewfriendsletherknowthat
she was in the majority. Talk to your intimates and any friends or people you
respect who are accessible to you. Breaking the ice can be scary at first, but
establishingdiscussionaboutsexwithyourfriendsandloverswillbewellworth
riskingafewminutesofembarrassmentasyougetstarted.Ifyoufindyoucan’t
talkintimatelyandexplicitlyaboutsexwithyourfriendsandlovers,thenhowcan
youdealwithaproblemortrysomethingnew?
IfSexIsNoLongerSexy
Anyonecandevelopsomeresistancetosex,eitherfromfearofnotdoingitwell
themselves or from disappointment in not getting their needs or their dreams
fulfilled.Onceanypartofsexhasbecomedifficult,ifitisn’tdiscussedanddealt
with,resentmentscanbuildup.Respondingtoresistancebygettingsopushythat
you’re ignoring your partner’s signals is definitely not an answer. Sweeping
someoneofftheirfeetwhentheydon’twantyoutoonlyworksinmovies.What
youcandoisinvitethemtocollaboratewithyouonastrollthroughthegardenof
earthlydelightsanddiscoverwhatpleasesbothofyou.
Itisveryrarethateveryonehasexactlythesamedesireforsex—thatwouldbe
like insisting that everyone should have identical patterns of tidiness. To get
through times when one partner is hungry for sex and another is starving for
sleep,apositiveattitudetowardmasturbationisabigplus.Ifyoureallywanttobe
theworld’sgreatestlover,andyouwanttoknowexactlywhatpleasesyourpartner
the most, try masturbating in the same room. Who knows, you might like to
watch—wefinditatremendousturn-on.Watchingorshowing,youwillteachand
learn each other’s individual pattern of pleasure and become the most perfectly
satisfiedloversthatevercouldbe.
So your first slut skill in keeping it hot is to talk to each other about the
practicalaspectsofwhatworksforeachofyouandschemetogethertoovercome
anyproblems.Knowledgeisthemostpowerfulaphrodisiac.
WhatDoYouWant?
Some lovers develop a groove, a satisfying script for sex that reliably works for
bothofthem.Experimentingwith newsensationsinyour sex lifedoesn’tmean
giving up your groove; instead, you can add some new tricks to your excellent
repertoire.What’salreadyagoodthingwillremaingood,andyouwillreturntoit
againandagainlikeawellthathasverysweetwater.
Ifthegroovehasbecomearut,ifitfeelslikeachore,ifitisasourceofrepeated
disappointment,it’stimetotalkaboutexpandingyouroptions.Nowmightbea
good time to do the “Yes, No, Maybe” exercise in this chapter, being sure to
includethingsthatyou’venevertriedbutmightliketo.Lookingatyourlover’s
listmaybeamiteshockingforstarters—“Ineverknewyouhatedthat!”—butafter
yourecoverfromanysurprises,yougettostartintothefuturewithalotofuseful
information about what works for everyone. And taking that tiny risk to reveal
whatyouactuallywantmightjustbeagreatturn-on.
Compare your patterns of desire and particularly look at the spectrum from
brief encounters to production numbers. Do you like to have friendly, warm,
cuddly sex? Do you like swift rocket trips surging to release? Do you dream of
ecstaticjourneysthatcouldtakeupmostofSaturdayandmaybesomeofSunday
morning?Goodsextravelstherangefrombreadandbuttertofancydessertsthat
take enchanting hours to concoct. Production numbers obviously can’t happen
everyday,butluckilyyoudon’thavetochoose—youcanhavesomeofeach.
Start by setting aside some time for pleasure. This may be harder than you
think, but it’s very important. Waiting until the kids are in bed, the emails are
answered, all social media have been checked, and you’ve watched the evening
news and clucked over the terrible state of the world is a recipe for
disappointment.Scheduleitthewayyou’dscheduleanythingelsethat’simportant
toyou,atatimewhenyou’remostlikelytohaveplentyofenergyforit,andstick
toyourschedulewheneverpossible.
FindingYourTurn-OnTogether
Turn-onisnotthesameashard-on.Turn-onisaboutgettingintothemood,about
gettingreadytofocusonsensualandeventuallysexualsensation.
Toomanyofusbelievethatturn-onissomethingthathappenstouslikethe
weather.Here’sanaffirmationforyou:“Iknowmyturn-onisinheresomewhere,
andIcanfigureouthowtofindit.”
Turn-onsmaybevisual,verbal,orsensual;theymayrelyontouch,sound,smell,
orthesensationsofmusclesstretchingandflexing.Thereareathousandandmore
waystogetturnedon.Makealistofyourfavoriteturn-ons—nothowyouliketo
getoff,buthowyouliketogetstarted.Gettingturnedonissortoflikegetting
high or waking up or warming up—you are transitioning from one state of
consciousnesstoanother.Thistakestime,anditfeelsgood.Workingtofindyour
turn-oncanfeelveryvulnerable—butsexwithyourarmoronseldomsatisfies.
Sexologistswhostudyarousaltellusthatturn-ondependsontwothings:safety
andrisk.Youneedtofeelsafefromharmandsecurethatyourconditionswillbe
metandyourwantsandneedshonored.Youalsoneedtofeelalittlelikebeingat
the top of a ski jump, on the threshold of something miraculous and powerful.
New relationships can be very hot because there is still a lot of riskiness, but
maturerelationshipsneedtoseekoutwaystotakealittlerisk,tostepbeyondthe
comfortableandthefamiliarintosomethingnewandabitchallenging.
INFINITEPOSSIBILITIES
Lookingforyourturn-oncanbealotlikelookingforwaysyoucannourishyour
relationship.Here’salistofsomepossibilitiesyoumightfinduseful:
•Dressup,cleanup,wakeup.
•Prepareyourenvironment—fancysheets,candles,music.
•Allowplentyoftime—startyourdatethreehoursearly,outsomewhere.
•Gotothesexstore.
•Talkaboutyourfantasies(goahead,blush).
•Playaneroticboardgame.
•Massagegentlywithfavoriteoils,niceandslow…maybewithablindfoldon
oneofyou…orbothofyou.
•Getsilly.
•Neckinthecarliketeenagers.
•Holdeachotherwhileyoucry.
•Makeadinnerandeatitwithyourfingers.
•Eatsomeverygoodchocolatesandtasteeachother’slips.
•Readaneroticbooktogether—outloud.
•Watchamovieyoubothfindsexy.
•Gotogethertoastripclub.
•Gotothehottubspaandsoak.
•Goanywhereinnatureandmakeout.
•Makeyourdatesspecialanywayyoucan.
GETCONNECTEDFIRST
There’sareasonwhydatesusuallyincludedinner:dinner,whetheroutorin,isa
greatplacetoconnect,totalk,togetcaughtup,andthenmaybeplotanadventure.
Goingouttodinneralsogivesyoutimetodressupsexy,whichismuchmorefun
thanwashingdishes.
Rememberwhenyouareonadateandwhenyou’renot—somepeopledon’tlike
beingfeltupwhilethey’rewashingthedishes.(Othersdo,ofcourse,soyouhave
tocommunicateaboutthis,too.)
EXERCISE:THEPROCESS-FREEDATE
Agreetogooutanddo somethingyouliketogether.Duringthis
date,donottalkaboutanyproblemsinyourrelationshiporatwork
or with the kids or in the economy or whatever. One couple we
knowwentoutfordinneranddancingandpretendeditwastheir
first date. They danced like teenagers and came home to have
lovelysexthatfeltsomehowrenewed.
INBED
Whenyougettothebed,beingequallyturnedonisnotarequirement;youcan
bothgettherewithalittletimeandcheerfulcooperation.Themorereadyperson
can help the other person catch up. Try what sex therapists call nondemand
pleasuring, which adds up to anything you know your partner likes, without
pushingthemfurther.Tryanexperimentwhereyouagreethatonepartnerwillset
out to arouse the other in the way the receptive partner chooses—with no
obligationsandnoblameifitdoesn’twork.
GoodSexStartswithYou
Wemeanthisquiteliterally.WhenMastersandJohnsonbegantheirresearchinto
sexualfunctioninginthelate1950s,theywantedtostartbylearningaboutgood
sex before researching sexual dysfunction—so they started by selecting 382 men
and312women,including276heterosexualcouples,allofwhomhadsatisfactory
sex lives.One surprising factthey uncovered was thatvirtually all these sexually
satisfied people masturbated—regardless of whether or not they were also having
partneredsex.
Write this on your mirror: sexually successful people masturbate. You are not
jerkingorbuzzing offbecause youarealoser,becauseyoucan’t findanyoneto
playwith,orbecauseyouaredesperatetogetyourrocksoff.You’remakingloveto
yourself because you deserve pleasure, and playing with yourself makes you feel
good.
“Writethisonyourmirror:sexuallysuccessfulpeoplemasturbate.”
EXERCISE:AHOTDATEWITHYOURSELF
Setasideacoupleofhoursforthis.Turnoffthetelephone,lockthe
frontdoor,andgetridofanydistractions.Thenprepareasthough
youwerepreparingforadatewithsomeoneyouwereveryexcited
about:putclean,softsheetsonthebedandplaceallyourfavorite
sex toys near to hand. Next, take a steamy bubble bath with
candles,oraluxuriousshower,accompaniedbysoft,sexymusic.
Style your hair, perfume yourself, trim your nails, rub in lotion so
your skin is soft and touchable all over. Slip into silk boxers or a
sexynightie.Haveaglassofwine,ifyoulike.
Whenyou’reready,turnthelightsdownflatteringlylowandlie
down.Teaseyourselfwithsoft,gentletouchallover,feelingyour
soft hands as though they were the touch of your perfect lover.
Takeyourtime.Tantalizeyourselfwithlotsofforeplay,usingyour
hands,maybeyourmouth,maybeatoyortwo.
Only when you absolutely can’t stand it any more—when you
wouldbebeggingforreleaseiftherewereanyonetheretobeg—
mayyoubringyourselftoclimax,asmanytimesasyoulike.
Lie there and soak up the warm, rich feeling of loving yourself
enoughtogiveyourselfslow,mindfulpleasure.Yourperfectlover
iswaitingforyouanytimeyouwant…rightthereinyourownskin.
Yourrelationshipwithyourselfiswhatyoubringtoarelationshipwithanother
person:itiswhatyouhavetoshare,personally,emotionally,andsexually.Agood
orgasm changes your neurochemistry and nourishes your self-esteem: the sexier
youaretoyourself,thesexieryouwillbetoyourlovers.
People who play with themselves are good lovers. Sex with yourselfis a really
good time to explore new sources of stimulation, like touching yourself in
differentplacesorusingsextoysortryingnewpositions.Becauseyouwillnever
failtonoticewhatdoesn’tfeelgood,youwillalwaysdoitthewaythatfeelsbest,
andtherewillbenoonetogetembarrassedinfrontof.Somasturbationoffersyou
an opportunity to practice all sorts of interesting things: for instance, if one of
your goals is to be able to enjoy more sex before you come, you can practice
relaxation exercises with yourself and learn to slow down and speed up your
responsehoweveryoulike.Ifyourconcernisthatsometimesyouarenotableto
comewhenyouwouldliketo,youcanpayattentiontowhatworksforyouwhen
youhavesex withyourself andteachyour partneryourparticularpreferencesin
sexualstimulation.Trydifferentrhythmsandstimulationssothatyoudon’tget
intoarutofbeingabletogetoffononlyonesensation.Practicemakesperfect,so
masturbatealot.
Start by putting some energy into supporting your own self-esteem and
developing a positive feeling about the body you are inhabiting today—not the
bodyyouplantohavenextyearafteryouworkouteverydayandliveonlettuce.
It’shardtohaveagoodrelationshipwithyourbodywhenallyoudoisyellatit.
Trygivingyourbodytreats:abubblebath,atriptothehottubs,amassage,silk
underwear, anything that feels good. Be nice to your body and then go find
somebodyelse’sbodytobeniceto,andsomebodywillbenicetoyourbody,too.
Someone who has happily given themselves as many orgasms as they want is
unlikely to approach their other relationships in a state of sexual desperation.
Sexualself-sufficiencyisanimportantslutskillthatmakesusfarlesslikelytoplay
withthewrongpersonjustbecausewe’resohorny.Beyourownbestlover.
ToysforEverybody
Don’t forget: grown-ups play with toys. A huge variety of excellent sex toys is
available. While these can be purchased online if you’re shy, we strongly
recommendavisittooneofthehundredsoferoticboutiquesthathavesprungup
inlargeandsmallcitiesallovertheUnitedStates.Suchstoresallowyoutoshopin
a welcoming, safe, unsleazy environment and have helpful staff who are
knowledgeableaboutthemysteriousdevicesontheshelves.
Ifyou’venevertriedavibrator,it’snevertoolate.Battery-operatedvibratorsare
lesspowerfulthantheplug-inandrechargeableones,sotrytofindanopportunity
tocheckout allkinds—theyworkthroughclothes,soit’s notreallythathardto
findawaytoexperiment.(They’renotjustforvulvaowners,either—manyapenis
ownerhashadtheirlifechangedbyavibratoragainsttheperineum.)Youwillfind
insertablesinahugevarietyofsizesandshapestomeeteveryneed,texturetoysin
fake fur or spiky gels, satin blindfolds and velvet restraints—and usually a
thoughtfulselectionofgoodbooksandmovies.Thereisnoreasonwhyasexstore
hastobehiddeninabasement.
Toyscanaddtoyourpleasureandmakesomethingspossiblethatneverwere
before—for instance, if you’re curious about anal play, it helps to start small.
Vibrators have given many women an assurance about orgasm that was never
beforepossible:manywomensharesexhowevertheywantto,andiftheyhavenot
hadanorgasmbythetimetheyaretired,theycurlupwiththeirgoodfriendand
theirvibrator—asurefiresolution.
GetYourConditionsMet
It’s hard to focus on pleasure when you’re worrying about whether the baby is
asleep,thedoorislocked,theshadesaredrawn,orwhateverbothersyou.Figure
outwhatyourconditionsare,whatyouneedtofeelsafeandfreeofworry,soyou
canenjoyyoursexcompletely.Dealwithyourneedsbeforehand.
Establishagreementswithyourpartneraboutsafersexand/orbirthcontrol.It
isnotappropriatetoarguewithanyone’slimitsregardingpregnancyanddisease
riskreduction:respectthelimitsofthemostconservativeperson,becausesexisa
lotmorefunwhenweallfeelsafe.Personallimitsmaybeidiosyncratic,andthat’s
okay,too.Dossiehasaminorobsessionaboutbeingcleanandlikestosetupclean
sheetsandhaveashowersoshefeelsallfreshandsparkly.Someoneelsemightnot
careasmuch—sowhat? Thereisnoonerightway togetreadytohave sex.Give
yourselfpermissiontotakecareofyourownneeds;itwillfreeyou.
Sometimesyoudiscoverthatyourconditionsaren’twhatyouthoughttheywere
andthatthenewonesmightoffersomespecialfun.Janetremembers:
I’dbeentoaconcertthatnightwithtwofriendswhowereloverswitheach
otherandwithme.Oneofushadrecentlyacquiredatreasure:a’64Lincoln
Continentalthesizeofastudioapartment.Onthewayback,wedecidedto
stopbytherivertoadmirethemoonlight,andbeforeweknewitwewere
throwingafull-scaleorgyinthefrontseatoftheLincoln.I’dalwaysthoughtI
wouldn’tlikesexinacar,butwhenIfoundmyselfstretchedoutinthefront
seatwithmyheadinonepartner’slapasImasturbatedhimovermyshoulder
andmyotherpartnerkneelinginthepassengerfootwellwithherheadburied
betweenmylegs,Ibegantochangemymind.Thesceneendedinhysterical
giggles:theoneIwasmasturbatingbegantocome,hisbodywentintoan
orgasmicspasm,andhehitthehorn—thecaremittedanenormousblastof
soundfromitsmid-’60sDetroithornthatmusthaveawakenedeverybodyfor
milesaroundandmadeusallpracticallyfalloutofourseats!
Communicate
Most of us have been struck dumb by the scariest communication task of all—
askingforwhatwewant.Isthereanyoneofuswhohas never failedtotell our
partnerwhenwewanttobestimulatedharderorsofter,slowerorfaster,moreon
theshaftormoreonthetip,ontheside,onbothsides,upanddownorround
about,orwhateveritisthatwouldworkforus?Takeitfromus,thewaytogeta
goodreputationasanexcellentloveristoaskeachpartnerwhattheylikeandlet
them show you how to do it exactly right: once you get past the initial
embarrassment,thisisactuallyeasyandwillmakeyouaverypopularloverindeed.
“Mostofushavebeenstruckdumbbythescariestcommunicationtaskofall—
askingforwhatwewant.”
EXERCISE:YES,NO,MAYBE
Trythisexercisewithyourselforwithaloverwithwhomyouare
veryfamiliarand,asyougetcomfortable,repeatitwitheachnew
lover.
First,makealistofallthesexualactivitiesyoucanthinkofthat
anyone, not just you, might like to do. You will immediately
discoverthatthisisalsoanexerciseindevelopinglanguage,sopay
attentiontoanyembarrassmentyoufeelasyounamethesethings.
Doyouwanttoletembarrassmentstopyou?
Notice what language you are more comfortable with:
intercourse or fucking, oral sex or going down, cocksucking or
eating out? What do you call your own sex organs: penis, dick,
cock, prick…pussy, cunt, vagina, clitoris? If you get stuck, put a
littleeffortintofindinganynamethatdescribestheactivity,takea
deep breath, repeat those words five times, and breathe again.
Make yourlistas completeas possible and include activities that
you don’t like as well as those you do. You can get prefab lists
online, but then you miss the experience of naming all these
unspeakabledelights.
Then each of you takes a separate, smaller piece of paper and
makes threecolumns: YES, NO, and MAYBE. YES means I already
knowIlikethis.NOmeansthisactisoutsidemylimitsandIdon’t
wanttotryitintheforeseeablefuture.MAYBEmeansIwouldtryit
iftheconditionswereright.
Writeeveryactonthebigsheetintooneofthesecolumnsasit
fitsintoyourlimitstoday.
Get together with your partner and read each other’s lists.
Discuss where you fit together well and where you have
differences. There are no rights and wrongs here. Think of your
likesanddislikesasiftheywereflavorsoficecream.
NoticethewealthofwhatyoubothlikeonyourYESlists.
Thisexercisewillneedtobedonemorethanonce,asyourlimits
will change over time. You can also do this exercise to see what
kindsofsexyoucansharewithanyparticularpartner.
Theseareideasabouthowyoucanstartcommunicatingexplicitlyaboutsexand
negotiateconsent.Remember,wedefineconsentasanactivecollaborationforthe
pleasure, benefit, and well-being of all persons concerned. Consent means that
everybodyinvolvedmustagreetowhateveractivityisproposedandmustalsofeel
safeenoughthattheycoulddeclineiftheywished.Webelievethatifyouarenot
freetosayno,youcan’treallysayyes.Itisalsoessentialthateveryoneinvolved
understands the consequences of both responses: it’s not acceptable to take
advantageofsomeone’snaïveté.
We cannot say this often enough: you have a right to your limits, and it is
totally okay to say no to any form of sex you don’t like or are not comfortable
with.Havingalimitdoesnotmeanthatyouareinhibited,uptight,nofun,ora
permanent victim of American puritanism— it just means you don’t like
something.Ifyouwanttolearntolikeit,wethinktherearebetterwaystodothat
thantosuccumbtoguilt-tripping,shaming,oroutrightbullying.Saynotowhat
you don’t want, and when you decide to try something new, arrange for lots of
support from your partner, get your conditions met, and be kind to yourself.
Positivereinforcementisreallythebestwaytolearn.
In many areas, workshops and groups about sex are available, put on by
dedicated sex educators and counselors, sometimes at birth control clinics,
organizations supporting sexual health, and even churches. All these workshops
are designed to be safe, to respect everyone’s boundaries, and to give you an
opportunitytolearnnewinformation,increaseyourcomfortlevel,andspeakfor
yourself about your own feelings and experience. What we are advocating is
communicationby,with,andforeverybody.
EXERCISE:MOREFUNWITHYOUR“YES,NO,MAYBE”LIST
Onceyou’vemadealist,therearelotsoffurtheractivitiesyoucan
dowithit:
· Putyourlistsuponthefridgeorinthebathroomwhereyoucan
seethemeveryday.
· Writeapossiblescriptforyournextdatebasedentirelyonitems
foundonbothofyourYESlists.
· WriteascriptfromtheYESlistsforasatisfyinghalf-hourdateyou
coulddoonaweeknight—aquickieplan.
· ChooseanitemfromyourMAYBElistandfigureoutwhatyou
wouldneedtofeelsafeenoughtotrythatandhowyourpartner
couldhelpyou.
Yourconditionsmightbe:
· IfIfeelsafeenough
· IfI’mturnedonenough
· IfIknowit’sokaytostopifitfeelsbad
· Ifwegoslowenough
· Ifwehaveabackupplan
Then decide whether you want to invite your partner on a
voyageofexploration.
· Chooseanitemfromyourpartner’sMAYBElistandcreateafantasy
ofhowyoucouldseducethemintoit.Tellthemaboutthefantasy
—thisisnotatimeforpouncingandyelling,“Surprise!”
FindYourTurn-On
Have you ever set out to make love and discovered that you couldn’t find your
turn-on?Thereyouare,huntingforthatelusivestateofexcitementandwondering
what’swrongwithyouwhenyourloverdoesthethingsyouusuallyloveandyour
response is just plain nothing, or, worse, irritation or ticklishness. Some of us
wonderwhywearen’tgettingwet,othersagonizeoverabsenterections,everybody
either fakes it or gets embarrassed. It happens to everybody. Really, it’s not just
you.
For some people, losing their turn-on happens when they are nervous, maybe
withanewpartnerorinanewsituation.Forothers,familiarityreducesarousal,
and they have a hard time grasping their desire in their relationships with the
peopletheyknowbestandlovemost.
Getting turned on requires a physical and mental transition into a different
state of consciousness. Every night, when you go to sleep, you make such a
transition: you turn the lights down, get into loose clothing, lie down, perhaps
readquietlyorwatchalittleTV,deliberatelychangingyourstateofconsciousness
fromwideawaketosleepy.Somepeopledothisautomatically,whileothershaveto
workatfiguringoutwhathelpsthemgettosleep.
Similarly,weallneedtoknowhowwegetturnedon,whatworksforuswhen
arousal doesn’t just come of its own accord. Our mythology tells us we are not
supposed to have to do this on purpose, that we are supposed to be swept away
withdesireorelsesomethingiswrong:wedon’treallywanttomakelovetothis
person;we’vemadeaterriblemistakeandnowwhatarewegoingtodowiththe
kids? Some of us are told we are supposed to be so turned on by the mere
availabilityofapartnerthatourerectionshouldstandupandsalutewithoutany
actual sensory stimulation. Others are taught that we ought to be turned on in
responsetoanystimulusfromapartnertheycareaboutand,ifwearen’t,weare
frigid or perhaps feeling hostile. These are only some of the very destructive
lessonsyoumayhavelearned.
“Weallneedtoknowhowwegetturnedon,whatworksforuswhenarousal
doesn’tjustcomeofitsownaccord.”
Thefirstthingyouneedtodowhendesiredoesn’tcomeuplikethunderisto
rememberthatlotsofslutshavedealtwiththisproblemsuccessfully,andsocan
you.Let’slookathowwecouldgoaboutdeliberatelygettingturnedon.
Somepeoplejustchargeonin,startsexualstimulation,andkeeponuntiltheir
turn-oncatchesupwiththem,andthisworksformanypeoplemuchofthetime:
Dossieoncehadapartnerwholikedtoleapintocoldmountainlakeswhenthey
were camping, insisting that you’d get warm eventually if you just thrashed
around. Other people like to get in the water one toe at a time, warming up
graduallyandsensually,allowingtimetoappreciatethechangesinsensitivitythat
occur as they move slowly into their sexual response cycle. For many people,
simply slowing down gives them the chance to get in synch with their turn-on,
andonceyoufindyourturn-on,itmakesiteasiertospeedup.
Many people experience hypersensitivity, which means feeling ticklish or
jumpyorirritated,whentheyattempttotakeinsensationsthataretoofocusedor
too intense in the early part of their journey to arousal. Such ticklishness often
disappears once the person is thoroughly excited and may reappear right after
orgasm.The waytodealwithhypersensitivityis toremember thatnoteveryone
can get turned on while they are being tickled or irritated, so take your time.
(Dossie’spartnerwholovedtoleapintocoldlakesalsolovedtobetickled—that’s
why you gotta ask.) Feel free to tell your lover about hypersensitivity and what
sensations you enjoy early on, and how that may be different later. Most
hypersensitivitycanbecuredwithafirmtouchandagradualapproach.Startwith
caressingbacksandshouldersandlesssensitivepartsofthebody,makingsureof
seriousarousalbeforetouchingthemorenerve-richareas.
Talkwithyourlover aboutwhatturns youon—afantasy,astory,havingyour
fingers or toes gently bitten and sucked? Ask your lover what turns them on—
chewing on their neck, brushing their hair? You could prepare for this talk by
writingdownalistofallthethingsthatyouknowexciteyou,eachofyouonyour
own, and then sharing your lists. Talking can be a little risky, and risk can be
excitinginandofitself.
Getintoyourbodywithsensualdelightslikehottubs,bubblebaths,nakedskin
bythewarmfire,massage.Thesearetheslowerdelightsthatgiveustimetofocus
ourattentiononphysicalpleasureandallowourbusybrainstoslowdownordrift
offintofantasy.Thisisnotthetimetoworryaboutheavybreathingorundulating
hips—itisthetimeforentrancement.
Fantasy is a big turn-on for many people, and yes, it is perfectly normal to
fantasizewhileyourpartnerisdoingsexythingstoyou.Manypeoplealsoliketo
fantasizeontheirownbeforetheireroticencounters,buildingupaniceheadof
steam before any touching actually takes place. Perhaps you would both enjoy
watchinganeroticvideoorreadingeachothergrown-upbedtimestories.Maybeit
wouldbehottotelleachotheryourfavoritefantasies.
Although lust for one person is seldom satisfied by sex with another,
experiencedslutsknowthatturn-onistransferable.Theexcitementyoufeelabout
the sex you’re planning with Bill next weekend can easily set a fire under your
sessionwithJanetonight,becausearousalisaphysicalexperiencethatcanbeused
foranythingyouwant.Thelustinthemindpersistsandwillstillbethereforyou
whenyougetaroundtoBill—wepromise.
Excitement begins with a slow, sensual warmth, and when the warm-up has
begun,thedoorisopenformoreintenseexcitement,exploringthesensitivitiesof
ears,necks,wrists,andtoes,ortonguesinmouths.Breathingbecomesdeeper,and
hipsstarttomoveoftheirownaccord.
Sodoesthisexcitementmeanit’stimetoleaponthatexpresstraintoorgasmic
release?Justbecauseyourbodyisphysicallyreadytoenjoysexdoesn’tmeanyou
needtorushtofulfillment!Whydon’tyoutakealittlemoretime?Thisfeelsgood,
right? So what about feeling good a little more, getting a little more turned on:
rememberwhenyouwereinhighschoolandyoucouldkissforhours?
SlowDown
Don’t we all want a lover with a slow hand? The most common mistake people
make when they get nervous about sex is to rush things. Tension does tend to
speed us up, and most people tighten their muscles as they approach orgasm,
whichaddstothehurry.Now,whenwearetrulyready,thereisnothingwelike
morethantogruntandgaspandheaveandshoutandmakefistswithourtoeson
thespeedingexpresstraintoorgasm.Butthereismoretosexthanorgasm,solet’s
not leave out seduction, the oh-so-gradual turn-on, the building of suspense, the
explorationofeverypartofthebodythatcanarousethesenses—wewanttodoit
all. To explorethe entirerange of sensualandsexualintimacy,we needtolearn
techniquesforslowingdown.
The first technique for slowing down is very simple. Take a deep breath and
holdit.Putyourhand onyourabdomenandfeelthe hardnessofyourmuscles.
Thenbreatheout,slowly,andyouwillfeelthemusclesinyourtorsorelax.When
wearetense,wetendtobreatheingasps,gulpingairinandexhalingverylittle;
that’s how we maintain tension in our muscles and in our minds. When we
breatheout,werelax.Soanytimeyouaretense,inanysituation,youcanrelaxa
little by taking three long, slow, deep breaths, making sure to breathe out as
thoroughlyasyoubreathein.
You can learn more about relaxation by taking a class in any form of yoga,
practicing sensual massage, trying tantric techniques, or just slowing down long
enough to discover what fun it is to focus on what you’re feeling when you’re
feelinggood.
You can reduce your nervousness when you talk about sex, and you can slow
yourselfdownduringsex,justbybreathing.Whenyouslowyourbreathingwhile
youareturnedon,letyourawarenessgodownintoyourbody.Scanyourwhole
body with your mind, starting from your toes, and let yourself notice how each
partofyoufeels.Chancesareyouwilldiscoveralotofgoodfeelingsyouhaven’t
evenfeltbefore.Sextherapistscallthissensatefocusandadvocateitinparticularfor
thosewhowanttoslowdowntheirresponseandenjoymoresexbeforetheycome.
You can slow down your physical sexual response by breathing, relaxing, and
focusingyourattentiontoreduceyourphysicaltension,becausenotonlydoweall
tenseourmusclesbeforewecome,butmanyofuscannotcomewhenourmuscles
are relaxed. So orgasmic control is not achieved by grunting and bearing down,
butratherbyrelaxingandenjoyingyourself.
Slowing down is also useful when youare trying out new activities or feeling
nervous for any reason. Our friend Mandy relates one of her early learning
experienceswithcondoms:
RobandIhadbeenoccasionalloversformanyyears,andweweregetting
togetherforthefirsttimeafteralonghiatus.Wehadverylittleexperienceof
safersexatthetimebutdecided,duetoourvariousexperiences,thatifwe
wantedtofuck,weshoulduseacondom.Thiswasallfineintheory,butwhen
thetimecametoputitonafterasuitableandexcitingroundortwoof
outercourse,Robpickedupthatdifficultlittlepieceofrubberandpromptlylost
hiserection.I’msurethishasneverhappenedtoanyofyou.
Wefooledaroundforalittlewhileandtriedagain,withthesameresponse—
Rob’smindandhiscockwerenotinagreement.Idraggedmyselfupintoa
moreactiveconsciousnessanddecidedtoputwhatIhadlearnedinadultsex
educationtouse.
Igothimtoliebackandagreetobedoneto,andIsetuptheenvironment:
candlesforlightcarefullyplacedwherewewouldn’tknockthemover,lubricant
andtowelshandy,twoorthreerubbersincasewebrokeone,plusslowsensual
musiconaverylongdisc.Igotmyselfinacomfortablepositionbetweenhis
legs—comfortablebecauseIwantedtotakeallthetimeintheworld,andIdid
notwanttobeinterruptedbyanachingbackoracrampedshoulder.
Istartedbystrokinghisbody—thighs,tummy,legs—verygently,foralong
time,untilhefirstrelaxedandthenrespondedwithanerection.Iwaitedalittle
longersohecouldenjoythaterectionwithoutanyresponsibilityfortaking
thingsfurther.ThenImovedthestrokingtohisgenitals,aroundbutnotonhis
penis.Hiserectionwentdown,soImovedfurtherbackandcontinuedsensual
strokingonhisskinuntilhegothardagain.Icontinuedagainalittlelongerand
thenmovedtotouchingclosertohiscock.Thistimehiserectionfellonlyalittle
andgothardagainafteronlyafewseconds.Bynowhewasbreathinghard,
andsowasI.Forme,theexperiencewasverysensualandtrance-like,warm
andpleasurable:amajorturn-on.
Ispentaverylongtimestrokingaround,butnoton,hiscock,untilhewas
veryhardindeed.Hereachedforme,butIslappedhishand—nodistractions,
please.Iamdoingthistoyou,getit?Whenthesuspensewasvirtually
unbearable,Iranmyhandlightlyoverhisdick—heshuddered.Strokinghiscock
andpullinggentlyonhisballsarousedhimevenmore,andhewasbeginningto
moanandsweat.Ipickedupthecondom,checkingtomakesureIwas
unrollingitintherightdirection,andhelosthiserectionalmostinstantly.Iwent
backtostrokingaround,noton,hiscock,andhesprangupagain,getting
impatient…butImadehimwait,playedwithhisdickforalongtimebutgently
enoughthatIknewhecouldn’tcome.
ThenexttimeIapproachedwiththerubber,heonlywiltedatinybit,soI
rubbedabitmore,andwewentroundafewtimesuntilhewassoturnedonhe
couldn’tthinkanymoreandhiscockstoodupniceandstraightwhileIrolled
therubberoverit.Icontinuedplayingwithhimwhilehegotusedtothenew
sensation.
BythistimeIwasseriouslyturnedonandmorethanalittleimpatient,so
whenIgavetheword,heattackedanddidtheragingbullthing,andweboth
finallygottofuckfastandhard.Let’sjustsaythatitwaswellworththewait!
Tosumup,andmaybecatchourbreathalittleourselves,abasicskillforgood
sexisknowinghowtorelaxandslowdown,andthenknowinghowtotenseand
speedup.Onceyouknowhow,youcangoroundandroundasmanytimesasyou
canbearto hold off, enjoying every minuteandbuildingup excitement for the
grandfinale.Relaxing your breathing,andrelaxing your body,canhelp you get
centered,groundedinyourbodyandinthepleasureyouarefeeling,andgiveyou
morechoicesaboutyoursexlife.
EXERCISE:GETLOUD
Whyhaveyouneverheardyourneighborshavingsex?Whyhave
theyneverheardyou?
Doyoubelievethatyourpartnershouldmakealotofnoisebut
youshouldnot?Whyisthat?
Masturbateasloudlyasyoucan.Pumpyourhipstotherhythm
ofyourbreath.Openyourmouthand throataswideasyoucan.
Breathehard,moan,yell,scream.
See how much noise you and your partner can make the next
timeyoumakelove.
Smilewhenyouseeyourneighbors.
Afterglow
Sometimeswegetsofixatedonthechallengesofsuccessfullysteeringourcourse
through the tortuous rapids of getting there that we forget to pay attention to
wherewehavegotten.Afterglow,thatdreamy,exhausted,sweetstatethatfollows
thethrashingandshouting,isadelicioustime.Enjoyit.Restinit,curledupwith
your partner. Forget the mess, and drift in the profound relaxation. Feel the
connectiontoyourpartnerasyoufloattogetherinawarmpoolofyourconjoined
energy,swirlingaroundinthecomfortofsatisfiedlove.Feelgood.
24
PUBLICSEX,GROUPSEX,ANDORGIES
Doyouwanttobeanorgyslut?Thisisachoice.Nomatterwhatyoumighthave
heard,groupsexisnotobligatoryforopenrelationships,andweknowmanyfine
outrageousslutswhodon’tattendorgiesorhostthree-waysandfour-waysintheir
homes. We also know monogamous couples who frequent public sex
environments for the sheer pleasure of playing with each other in a special and
sexyplace,completewithanappreciativeaudience.
Ifyouhaveeverhadafantasyofbeingmadelovetobyfivepeople,orhavingan
extrapairofhandstomakelovewith,orhavinglotsofhotpeopletogetimpulsive
with, or performing before an audience that will thrill to your thrashing and
screamingindelight…inotherwords,ifyouareattractedtotheideaofsexparties,
thischapterisforyou.Herewewilltellyouwhatyouneedtoknowtohaveagood
timeanddealwithanydifficultiesthatmightcomeup.
Webelievethatitisafundamentallyradicalpoliticalacttode-privatizesex.So
muchoppressioninourcultureisbasedonshameaboutsex:thesubjugationof
women,thedifferentbutstillharmfulculturalmandatesformen,theotheringof
cultural minorities and sexual minorities. All these kinds of oppression are
institutedinthenameofprotectingthefamily,asiffamilieshadnothingtodo
withsex.Wehaveallbeentaught,onewayoranother,thatourdesires,ourbodies,
andoursexualitiesareshameful.Whatbetterwaytodefeatoppressionthantoget
togetherincommunitiesandcelebratethewondersofsex?
“Itisafundamentallyradicalpoliticalacttode-privatizesex.”
Going to a sex party presents an exciting challenge. It’s an opportunity to
stretch and grow as you deal with stage fright, performance anxiety, and the
wonderfulandscarytensionofplanningandgettingreadyforelaboratesexinan
intensely sexual environment. Everyone is nervous, and the shared vulnerability
adds to the arousal. We love the giddy feeling of conquest when we succeed in
overcomingalltheseobstaclesandcreatingahotsexualencounter.There’snota
lot of room for prudery and shame at an orgy, and when we play in a group of
people,wegetpowerfulreinforcementthatsexisgoodandbeautifulandthatwe
arehotandsexypeople.
WhyPublicSex?
Yourauthorsbothenjoypublicsexandregularlyattendplayparties,environments
in which people gather to enjoy a wide variety of sex and eroticism with each
other.Wefeelasynergistickindofarousalwheneverybodyelse’sexcitementfeeds
our own, and we feel connected to and turned on by all this happy sex that is
goingonaroundus.
Group sex offers the chance to try out new partners in a safe environment,
surroundedbyourfriends—weevengettheopportunitytocheckoutapersonwe
mightbeturnedonbywhiletheymakelovewithsomeoneelse.Groupsexoffers
theopportunitytochallengeourselves,moveoursexualityoutintotheopenwith
lotsofsupportingettingpastthefearsandbashfulnessandlotsoffriendlypeople
toapplaudourecstasies.
Inagroupsexenvironmentwecanlearnnewsexactswithplentyofsupport:we
canwatchsomeoneelseactuallydoingaformofsexthatwehavepreviouslyonly
seen in our fantasies, and we can ask them, when they’re through, how they do
that.Welearnedmanyofoursafer-sexskillsatorgies,wherebarriersarederigueur
and there is support for maintaining everybody’s safety and well-being. Most
publicsexspacesprovidecondoms,rubbergloves,andwhateverelseyoumayneed
toplaysafe.
Play parties canhelp you get over abad body image.As we have pointedout
before,peopleenjoysexatallagesandinallkindsofbodies,andatanyorgyyou
willseethemdoingit.Onegoodwaytoprepareforyourfirstadventureatanorgy
istovisitanudebeachorhotspring,ifyouneverhavebefore, toseewhatreal
peoplelooklikewithoutclothesandtoexperiencebeingnakedinpublicyourself.
You’llstarttoseebeautyinalotofbodiesthatdon’tlookanythinglikewhatyou
seeinmagazinesorporn—thismaybeagoodtimetorepeatthe“AirportGame”
exercise(thispage)youlearnedinchapter19,“MakingConnection”—andthere’sa
lotofsensualdelighttothefeelingofwarmsunandgentlebreezesonalltheparts
ofyourbody.
Itisamazingtoustothink,aftermanyyearsofpracticingsexinpublic,that
mostpeoplehaveneverhadachancetowatchanotherpersonenjoysex.Weworry
about them—it seems like a terrible deprivation. We remember what it was like
whenweworriedaboutwhetherwelookedfoolishwithourlegsupintheairand
our faces screwed up inan ecstatic scream.Youwill feel much betterabout how
youlook,howyouperform,andwhoyouarewhenyouhaveachancetoseereal
peoplehavingrealsex.Youwilllearnthateveryoneisbeautifulwhentheyareall
turnedon;atthesexparty,weallgettobestarsandshineourbrightest.
“Itisamazingtousthatmostpeoplehaveneverhadachancetowatchanother
personenjoysex.”
PartySpaces
Sex clubs are very special environments. Most major cities in the United States
boastadelightfullywidechoiceoforgiasticenvironmentstochoosefrom.There
arepartyspacesforwomenonly,menonly,couples,BDSMenthusiasts,andlovers
of drag and costumery, and parties that specialize in just about every sexual
practiceyoucanthinkof—andsomethathavetobeseentobebelieved.Youmay
wanttocheckoutcuddleparties(sometimescalledsnuggleparties)forsomenew
ideas about getting together and perhaps a safer introduction to connecting in
groups: at such parties, everyone wears pajamas and snuggles to explore intense
closeness, without taking it on into actual sex. Other cities host Masturbate-a-
Thons,whereeverybodyseekssponsorsfortheirgroupself-loving,raisingmoney
forasex-positivecharity.
Partiesmaybeopenlyadvertisedtothepublic,advertisedonlyinnewslettersor
atsupportgroups,orbeprivateandbyinvitationonly.Therearepublicclubs,like
thegaymen’sbaths,thatareopentwenty-fourhoursaday,sevendaysaweek;and
therearesmallerspaces,perhapsanadaptedbasementrecreationroom,wherethe
ownershostpartiesonceortwiceamonth.Othercongenialgroupssponsorsmall
privategatheringsintheirmembers’livingrooms.
Manycitiesboastpartyhouses,whereoneortwolevelsofabuildinghavebeen
dedicatedtosocialareasandplayroomsforpartying.Partyhousesmayrentspace
toprivategroups,whomighthostapartyonceamonthorsofortheirparticular
guestlist.
All party spaces are extremely careful about making sure that everybody in
attendancehasgivenfull,uncoerced,soberconsenttowhatevertheyendupdoing.
The forms you may sign on the way in will tell you what the rules are for that
particularspace,whetheryouhavetoaskbeforedoingsomuchasputtingahand
on a shoulder, or whether the recipient is expected to say, “No thanks” to any
undesiredtouch—ifyou’renotsure,findoneofthepeopleinchargeoftheparty
and ask them what the rules are. Most spaces also have strict rules about
intoxication: some allow some use of intoxicants but will throw you out if you
appear intoxicated; others don’t allow intoxicants at all. It’s important to
rememberthatthesespacescanonlygoondoingtheirfabulousworkifeverybody
feelssafeenoughtoparticipate,andtheonlywaythatcanhappenisifeverybody
isable tosay notowhattheydon’twantand confidentthattheywillhave that
“no”listenedto.
ThefirstgroupsexpartiesthatDossieattendedwereheldinacommunalflatin
SanFrancisco,underthepresidinggeniusofBettyDodson.Thosewholivedthere
were all dedicated to feminism, gay liberation, and sexual liberation, and their
communewasaconsciousexperimenttoradicallychangetheconditionsinwhich
wecanenjoysex.Theytookoutallthedoorsandfurniture,makingtheloftspace
upstairsintooneunbrokenroom.Onatypicalday,youcouldfindseveralpeople
onthedecksunbathingnude,someothersorganizingdinner,twomoreplaying
chess,acouplefucking,andanotherpersonacrosstheroomvibratingtheirwayto
their own orgasm. There were larger parties three or four times a year, full of
peoplemakingloveingroups,intwos,orsingly,withlotsofmassage,andtantric
practitionerschanting“Ommmm”intunewiththeever-presenthumofvibrators.
Thisspacewasprivate,availableonlytothefriendsandloversofthesixorseven
peoplewholivedthere,allofwhomhadlotsoffriendsandlovers.
Public sex environments, whether they’re large public clubs or small party
houses,havethecommonfunctionofprovidinganagreeablespaceinwhichyou
canbesexual.Althoughthedecorandfurnishingsofgroupsexenvironmentsvary
aswidelyasthehumansexualimagination,therearebasicsthatyouwillfindin
mostpartyspaces.Therewillbeadoorpersontocheckyouin,andyoumaybe
askedtosignawaiverofliabilityand/oraconfidentialityagreement.Therewillbe
asocialarea,withplacestositandtalkandmeetpeople,usuallywithasmallbuffet
of snacks and beverages. Sex does not usually take place in the social area, so if
you’refeelingshyyoucanhangoutthereuntilyouworkupyourcourage.There
willbelockersorcoatracksorshelvesorsomeplacewhereyoucanputyourstreet
clothes and electronics (many party spaces either ask you to leave your phone
behindorplaceasmallsquareoftapeoveryourcameralens),theneitherchange
into party costume or simply disrobe. Some parties are mostly naked; others
feature a dazzling array of costumes for every sexual fantasy. There may be
provisions for cleanliness,includingbathroomsandshowers.Then there will be
oneormoreplayrooms.
Playroomsvaryfromtinycubicles,oftensetupinmazes,withasmallbedjust
bigenoughtofuckon,tolargeroomswithmirroredwallsandupholsteredfloors
forpuppypiles,groupgropes,andotherorgiasticactivities.Theremaybehottubs,
steamrooms,andgardensforyoutocruiseandrelaxin.Theremaybeanareafor
dancing. There is almost always music with a very strong beat to wake up your
naturalrhythmandtogiveasenseofauralprivacysoyouwon’tbedistractedby
yourneighbor’sheavybreathingorsquealsofdelight.Thelightswillbelowand
oftenredororangesoweallcanlookalittletanandperhapsalittlesexier.There
mayberoomswithfurniture,imaginativelydesignedtohavesexon,likemedical
examining tables or slings, mirrored beds or dungeons for kinky fantasies, or
perhapsagiantwaterbedforthosewholiketomakewaves.
Inrecentyears,hotelsthathostconferencesforvariousgroupscelebratingtheir
lifestyles have been allowing party spaces, even dungeons, to be built in their
ballrooms for the guests to enjoy. These parties are run by the conference and
usually staffed by helpfulconferencevolunteers withcooperation from the hotel
stafftokeepthespaceprivate.Hotelstendtolikeourconferences—wedon’tdrink
too much, we are polite to the staff, we tip well, and we wear great outfits. Talk
abouttheradicalpoliticalactofde-privatizingsex!Majorhotelchainsnowhave
policiesaboutplayparties,policiesthatsupportus—yay!
Playpartyspacestendtoformcommunities.Peopletryoutthevariousparties
intheirareaandusuallyreturntooneortwogroupsthattheyfindcongenial.As
peoplegettoknoweachotherandsharethespecialintimacyofsexualconnection,
theyoftenbecomefriendsandformextendedfamilies.Itisnotunusualtofinda
sexpartyclubhostingabenefitforamemberwhohashadanaccidentoramajor
illness.Thesearecommunities,andcommunitiestakecareoftheirown.
Swinging
Heterosexuals, who may be more susceptible than others to the pressures of
gender-role-based and monogamy-centrist expectations, have nevertheless made
their own spaces and culture of public sex. In the past, nonmonogamous
heterosexualinteractionswerecalledwife-swapping,atermwithabuilt-insexistbias
that we find offensive. Today, heterosexuals seeking no-strings sex outside a
primaryrelationshipoftenseekouttheswingcommunity.Thesegroupsarewell
worthlookingatforwhattheyhavetoteachusabouthowheterosexualmenand
women can interact outside the confines of the “shoulds” of mainstream,
monogamousculture.
Swingingisabroadtermthatgetsusedtodefineawidevarietyofinteractions,
rangingfromlong-termtwo-couplesexualpairingsthroughthewildestofSaturday-
night puppy-pile orgies. Swingers are primarily heterosexual; although female
bisexuality is common, male bisexuality is frowned upon in some swing
communities—although this is beginning to shift, and we hear from a lot more
men whoproudly name themselves bi.Swingers aremost often coupledandare
oftenmoremainstreamintheirpolitics,lifestyles,andpersonalvaluesthanother
kindsofsluts.Someswingcommunitiesconfinethemselvestosexualinteractions
and discourage emotional connections outside primary couples, while others
encourageallformsofromanticandsexualintimacy.
Swinging has offered many a heterosexual woman her first opportunity to
exploregreedyandguilt-freesexuality—infact,weoftenhearofwomenwhoattend
their first swing party very reluctantly, their second one hesitantly, and their
subsequent ones avidly. We also like the sophistication with which many swing
communities have evolved patterns of symbols and behavior to communicate
sexualinterestwithoutintrusiveness(onenow-defunctBayAreaswingclubusedto
haveafascinatingcodeofopeningdoorsandwindowstocommunicate,variously,
“Keepaway,”“Lookbutdon’ttouch,”or“Comeoninandjoinus”).
GroupSexEtiquette
Weknowthey didn’tteachyouinschoolhowtobehaveatanorgy,andwebet
yourmotherdidn’tteachyoueither.
There is a particular etiquette needed for public sex environments, because
everyoneinthemhasletdownsomeoftheircustomaryboundariestogetcloserto
each other. Social boundaries usually serve the purpose of keeping people at a
predictabledistance,soweallfeelsafeinourownpersonalspace.Groupsexposes
the challenge of figuring out how to feel safe and comfortable while getting up
close andvery intimatewith a wholebunch of presumably nice,sexy people—so
new boundaries must be developed, learned, and respected so that everyone can
feelsafeenoughtoplay.
Manypartyhousesshowyoualistofrulesasyoucomeinorpostthemonthe
wall.Readthem.Mostplacesspecifythelevelofsafer-sexprecautionstheyrequire,
andprovidecondoms,gloves,lubricants,dentaldams,andsoon.Evenifyouand
yourpartnerarefluid-bonded,youmaybeasked,orfeelitispolite,tousebarriers
inapublicenvironment.Ethicalslutsobeytherulesofthepartiestheychooseto
attend,regardlessoftheircustomsathome.
Confidentiality is mandatory in all group sex environments. If you recognize
someoneinthesupermarketthatyoufondledattheorgythenightbefore,smile
and nodandmove on;they mightbeshoppingwiththeirmother.Ifyouknow
that someone uses a different name in sexual space than they do in the outside
world, be ultra-careful about using the proper name for the space in which you
encounterthem.Andsharingthestoryofthewonderfulsceneyouhadlastnight
with Joe, without getting Joe’s consent, is both unethical and a great way to get
yourself permanently booted out of the space that made that wonderful scene
possible.
Responsibilityinvoyeurismisamust.Youmaywatchwhatpeopledoinpublic
placesbutalwaysfromarespectfuldistance.Iftheparticipantsareawareofyour
presence, you are too close. Whether or not it is okay to masturbate while
watching varies from place to place, but it’s always polite to keep your own
excitementdiscreetenoughthatyoudon’tdistractthegoodfolkswhoareputting
onsuchaniceshow—theyprobablyaren’tdoingitforyou,anyway.Alsobeaware
thatwhenyouareclosetopeoplewhoareplaying,theycanhearyou—thisisnot
anappropriateplacetotellyourfriendallabouthowawfulyourbossisorabout
yourrecentexperiencesattheproctologist.
Theboundarybetweensocial/talkspaceandplayspaceisveryimportant—when
youenterplayspace,youenterintoadifferentstateofconsciousnessthattendsto
getyououtofyourintellectandintoyourbodyveryquickly.Toomuchtalkingin
playspacecanyankyoubackintoeveryday,verbal,nonsexualawareness.
Cruisingisactivebutmustnotbeintrusive.Ideally,arespectfulrequestreceives
arespectfulresponse,whichmeansit’sokaytoask,andiftheansweris“No,thank
you,” that is okay, too. Remember, people who come to orgies are pretty
sophisticated,andtheyareherebecausetheyknowwhattheywant.Ifthatperson
youfoundattractivedoesn’twanttoplaywithyourightnow,takeiteasyandfind
someoneelse.Pesteringanyoneatasexpartyisunspeakablyrudeandwillquickly
earnyouaninvitationtotheoutsideworld.
Cruising at group sex parties is not that different from elsewhere, although
perhapsmorehonestandtothepoint.Usually,youstartwithintroducingyourself
asaperson:“Hi,I’mDick,what’syourname?”iswaypreferableto“Hi,doyou
likemybigdick?”Peoplewilltalkforabit,flirtalittle,andthenaskquitedirectly,
“Would youliketoplay withme?”Whentheanswerisyes,negotiationfollows:
“What do you like to do? Is there anything you don’t like? Let’s check that we
bothmeanthesamethingbysafersex,andbytheway,Ihavethisfantasy….”
“Remember,peoplewhocometoorgiesarepretty sophisticated,andtheyare
herebecausetheyknowwhattheywant.”
HowItWorks
Justtogetyoustartedthinkingaboutwhatitmightfeelliketoattendyourfirst
sexparty,here’satrue-lifestoryfromsomeonewhohadanamazingadventure:
Junehadneverbeentoaplaypartybefore.That’sevidentlywhattheycall
orgiesinCalifornia,shemused.Well,atleastit’salesbianorgy.Howonearth,
shewondered,didIcometobetheguestofhonoratanorgy?
Actually,sheknewhowitcameabout.ShewasvisitingherdearfriendFlash
inSanFrancisco,andFlashannouncedthatshehadtheuseofahouseinthe
countryfortheweekend,andshewantedtothrowapartyandintroduceJune
toherfriends.Soundslikefun,thoughtJune…andthenFlashbegantotalk
abouthavingaChickRitetocelebratetheadventofspringbysettingup
mattressesandsafer-sexsuppliesinthemiddleofthelivingroom.
Junehadargued,butFlashtalkedherintoit,pointingoutthatshedidn’thave
toactuallyhavesexwithanybodyifshedidn’twantto.Junefinallysaidokay,
addingthatifshecouldn’tstandit,shewouldhikedowntothelocal
coffeehousewithabook.SoFlashwentonsettingupthehouseforthe
convenienceofsexualpleasure,andJunehidinthekitchenmakingdip,one
partyfunctionthatsheatleastunderstood.
Astheguestsbegantoarrive,Junebegantowonderwhethershe’dbeableto
stayatthisevent.Shewasintroducedtoaparadeofthemostoutrageousdykes
she’deverseen,femmesandbutcheslikebirdsinbrightplumage,sporting
exoticgarmentsdesignedtodisplayagalleryoftattoos,gleaminghereand
therewithjewelrysetinbodypartsthatJunedidnotwanttothinkabout.And
theywereallsoyoung!Junefeltthefullweightofherforty-eightyears.She
figuredyoucan’tgowrongbeingpolite,soshesaidthesamehow-do-you-dos
shewouldanywhereelse,wonderinghowshe’drespondifoneofthese
enthusiasticorgiastsactuallytoldherhowshediddo.
In,atlast,cameacoupleofwomenofunabashedmiddleage.Oneofthem,
Carol,wasadeadringerforJune’sGreat-AuntMary,ifGreat-AuntMaryhad
everchosentodressinhighbutchgearcompletewithbootsandcowboyhat.
Junefeltrelievedtohavefoundonewomanshecouldrelateto.ThenCarol
smiledadazzlingsmileandannouncedthatshewouldliketoputherhandin
June’scunt.
June,swallowingagaspbutresolutelypolite,saidthatshedidn’treallyfeel
quitereadyforthat,andCarolrepliedcheerily,“Okay,then,I’llcheckinwithyou
later.”GreatGoddess,thoughtJune,there’snoescape.Juneknewabout
fisting,hadlearnedtodoitwithaloverwholikedit,knewitwassafewhen
doneproperly—butitseemedanoddwaytogetacquaintedwithsomeone
whosenameshe’donlylearnedinthelasthalfhour.
ThenLottiecamein—closetoJune’sage,butnotdressedlikeit.Lottie’s
obviouslydyed,flamingredcurlssetoffablackchiffondressthroughwhich
couldbeclearlyseenlongblackstockings,ablackleathercorset,andagreat
dealofvoluptuouspaleflesh.Howdoesshebalanceonthoseheels,June
wondered,asLottiehugged,kissed,andchattedherwaythroughthe
progressivelylessclothedmassofpartygoers.JuneoverheardLottiethanking
variouswomenfortheirparticipationinapreviousorgyheldincelebrationof
Lottie’sfiftiethbirthday.Dothesepeopleevergettogetherandnothavesex,
wonderedJune.
PuppypilesbegantoformonthefloorinfrontofthecouchwhereJunewas
sitting—untidyheapsofwomenneckingandpetting,smilingandlaughing,
LottieandCarolconspicuouslyamongthem.Junedecidedtoretreattothe
deck,whereshecouldperhapssoakoutherterrorinthehottub.
Thehottubwasquieter,andJunemanagedtochatwithafewwomenand
beganfeelingalittlemorecomfortable.ThenLottiereappeared.Offcamethe
dress,thestockings,theshoes—Junefoundherselfwonderingifshecouldsee
Lottie’spussyandinstantlywonderedifanyoneelsehadnoticedherlooking.
LottieslippedintothewarmwaterandimmediatelyaskedJuneifshewouldrub
herneck,becauseitfeltstiff.“Sure,”Juneheardherselfsay,“I’dbehappyto.”
Oh,no,shethought,whathaveIletmyselfinfor?
Lottie’sskinfeltwarmandsilkyunderherfingers,andJunerubbedand
soothed.JunefeltrelaxedbytherhythmofmassageandreassuredasLottie
conversedaboutperfectlynormalthings:herworkandJune’s,their
philosophiesoflife,June’sBuddhism,Lottie’spaganism.Eventually,Lottie’s
neckrelaxed,andthehottubbegantofeeltoowarm,andLottiebrightly
suggestedtheyfindoutwhatwasgoingoninside.Sheclimbedoutofthetub,
pulledonherstockingsandheels,anddartedbackindoors.HolyMinerva,
thoughtJune,canIfollowherinthere?No,shedecidedfirmly,Ican’t.June
foundatableinacorneronthepatioanddeterminedlyadmiredthestars.
Lottie,meanwhile,wasfindingshehadathingortwotothinkaboutaswell.
Inthelivingroom,herfriendswerehappilydisportingthemselvesoncouches,in
armchairs,andinfrontofthefire,butLottiewasthinkingaboutJune.Whatisit
aboutherthatturnsmeonsomuch?Doesshelikeme?Willsheplaywithme?
Doesn’tlooklikeshe’susedtoplayingatparties—ah,well,there’salwaysafirst
time.Nowwheredidthatgirlgo?
Lottiescannedthelivingroom,buttherewasnoJunetobefound.Theliving
roomwasactuallyprettyinteresting,andLottiecontemplatedgivingupthe
chaseandfindingafriendtoplaywith,butintriguetriumphed.Shemadeher
waytowardthekitchen,steppingovervarioushappypeoplehereandlingering
theretoappreciatesomeparticularlyexcitingactivity.Pausingtocheckoutthe
dipandreplenishherbloodsugar,Lottielookedoutthewindowandtherewas
June,hidingoutonthepatio.
Lottiearrangedafewgoodiesonaplateandtrottedoutsidetosharethem
withJune.But,althoughtheywerechattingquiteamiably,Lottiefeltshewasn’t
connecting.Hermostflirtatioussalliesweremetwithnoresponsewhatsoever:
June,petrified,wouldonlybreathedeepandconsciouslyholdasstillasshe
could.Lottie,frustrated,decidedonthedirectapproach.“Ithinkyou’rereally
attractive.Wouldyouliketoplaywithme?Whatsortofthingsdoyouliketo
do?”June,corneredagain,stammered,“Idon’tthinkI’mreadytohavesexin
public,sosorry.”
Justthen,Carol,stillwearingherbootsalthoughsheseemedtohavelosther
shirtsomewhere,sauntereduptothetableandsatdown.WhileJune
wonderedhowshecoulddisappearintothebusheswithoutappearinggauche,
LottiegreetedCarolbyplacingherthigh—whichCarol,beingawomanwho
knewhowtoact,promptlystrokedandadmired—inCarol’slap.Lottie,notout
ofrevengebutsimplyfromadesirenottowasteaperfectlygoodparty,asked
Carol:“How’syourdancecardtonight?Gotroomforme?”
Carolaskedwhatwasherfancy,andLottiesuggestedthatshehadayenfor
asensitivefist,andCarolsaidshewouldbehappytoobligebutfirstneededto
checkwithSusieaboutaplantheyhadforlater.Bothhappilystartedoff,and
Junewaslefttoherself.Wassherelieved,shewondered?Well…notexactly.But
shewascuriousenoughtofollowCarolintothelivingroomtoseewhatwould
happennext.
Afewminuteslater,LottiewassurprisedtoseeCarolandJunebothsittingin
thewindowseat,backstothesides,feetinthemiddle.Lottie,neverslowto
leaponopportunity,sashayedacrosstheroom,climbeduponbothpairsof
feet,andproclaimed,“HereIam!”Carol,wellversedinthewaysoffemmes,
calledforglovesandlubeandfirmlypushedLottieintoJune’slap:“Willyou
holdherforme,please?”Andnextthing,thereshewas,holdingLottie’sgently
squirmingbody.Amazing,thoughtJune,justamazing.Shegotagoodgripon
Lottie,tookadeepbreath,andoffshewentontheride.
Juneconcentratedonkeepingupagoodfrontandtryingnottonotice
severalsmilingwomenwhohadsettleddowntowatchtheactiononthe
windowseat,whileCarolcompetentlywenttoworktoturnLottieon,lubeher
up,andgetheroff.Omigod,thoughtJune,howamIgoingtogetthroughthis?
I’mtouchingthiswoman’sbreastandIhardlyknowher.Maybe,shethought,I
canpretendthisissomeoneI’vealreadymadelovewith.
LottiehadbracedherfootoverCarol’sshoulderagainstthewindowframe
andwasenergeticallypushingherselfdownonCarol’shand.Sheletoutabig
groanasthehandslippedin,andtheybothstartedfuckinghardandloud.June
hadallshecoulddotopreventLottiefromwrithingoutofhergripandfalling
ontothefloor.Lottiefinallycame—loudly,noticedJune,veryloudly—andJune
noticedshehadn’tbreathedforawhileandtookabiggaspingbreath.Allthree
lettheirbodiesgolimponthewindowseatandinvestedafewmomentsinjust
feelinggood.
Realityeventuallyasserteditself.Lottiesatupandpolitelyofferedtofuck
Carolinreturn.Carolsaidno,thanks,IalreadypromisedSusie,andLottieand
Carolwentoffindifferentdirections,leavingJunealoneonthewindowseat,
feelingabitthunderstruck.Imusthavefallenintosomeotheruniverse,
marveledJune.Itwaskindoffun,andIthinkIdidokay.Butitwasstilltoo
much.IthinkI’dbettergotosleep.
Adaypassed.Backathome,Lottiefoundshecouldnotstopthinkingabout
June.ShecalledFlashanddiscoveredthatJunehadflownoutofSanFrancisco
thatmorning.Twodayslater,Junereceivedthisletter:
DearJune,
It’sabeautifulmorninguponmymountain,thesunisstreamingthroughthe
redwoodtrees—yesterday,walkingupontheridge,Isawahugejackrabbit
wanderingthroughafieldoftinybrightflowers.IfImakeyourmouthwaterfor
themountains,willyoucomevisitme?
Whoareyouanyway?How,asaBuddhist,doyoudealwithdesireand
passion?Myspiritualpathisaboutgraspingdesireandridingittocommunion
withtheTao.Iworrythatthismightnotbeacceptabletoyou:althoughIam
usedtobeingunacceptabletomany,Iwouldratherthatnotbethecasewith
you.
IreallyliketheconnectionwemadeatFlash’s.Pleasewriteandreveal
yourselftome.Whatareyourthoughtsaboutsex,art,nature?Ibetyoudream
upsomegreatbedtimestories.
Iwishyouwerehere—writingtoyouismakingmenervousandIwouldlikea
cuddle.AsIreadoverthislettertryingtodecidehowfartogo,IrealizeIhave
probablyalreadygonetoofar—ohwell,Ialwaysdo.
Love,
Lottie
Eightmonthsandapproximatelythreethousanddollars’worthofphonebills
later,nottomentionafewimpulsiveairfares,Juneputallherworldlygoodsinher
truck, Lottie flew out to meet her, and they drove across the Great Divide to a
sweetlittlehouseinthecountry,wheretheylivedtogetherformanyhappyyears.
GenderDifferences
Weliveinasocietywherepeoplelearnsomeprettywarpedideasaboutsex.Girls
learn that they are not supposed to be sexual without falling in love; boys learn
thatsexisacommoditythatyougetfromanotherperson.Groupsexonlyworks
when everybody is acknowledged as a person: nobody likes being treated like a
means to an end. To avoid such problems, many group sex environments that
includebothmenandwomenrestrictthenumberofsinglemenwhoareinvited,
orinsistthatnomaniswelcomewithoutapartner.Theserequirementsareasad
lastresortfordealingwithanunpleasantreality,andweagreethatitisunfairthat
men of goodwill get penalized for the intrusive behavior of men who evidently
don’t know any better. But that’s how it is, and the only way we are going to
changeitistoworkonourownbehaviorandteachourfriendsandloverswhatwe
learn.
“Groupsexonlyworkswheneverybodyisacknowledgedasaperson.”
Cruisingisdifferentbygender,andthosedifferencesbecomeveryvisiblewhen
you compare gay men’s environments to lesbian orgies and see how they are
similartoanddifferentfromheteroorbisexualgroups.Gaymenseemtofeelsafer
withanonymoussex,andgaymalecruisingatbathsorclubsisoftennonverbal.
Onemanmightcatchanother’seye,smile,walkacrosstheroom,touchashoulder,
and then embrace, with little or no verbal communication. Lesbians are often
morecautiousandliketotalkforawhilebeforemovingintotheplayroomand
gettingdown.
Women in all group sex environments tend to be less open than men to
anonymoussexandtoprefersomecommunicationandpersonalconnectionfirst.
This respectfor caution is probablybecause women havehadserious reasons to
feel less than safe around sex with strangers and need some support to feel easy
enoughtoletdowntheirguard.Therearenorightsandwrongstothissituation—
orwhatwrongthereisexistsinourhistory,whichwecan’tverywellchange.
Transgenderpeopleinmanyenvironmentsmayfeelaneedtobecautious:too
oftenpeoplegetangrywhentheyareattractedtosomeonewhothenturnsoutto
beofsomesurprisinggender.Theattractionisprobablyreal;wewishtherewere
noneedtofreakoutaboutit.
Oneofthethingswelikeaboutwhattransgenderandnonbinarypeoplebring
intoourplaypartiesistheconstantexperienceofposingexceptionstoallthose
peskyrulesaboutgenderandpresentinginterestingexamplesofhowweallcanbe
free to be exactly who we want to be. Everyone of every gender and every
orientationhasarighttofeelsafeandfreetoenjoysex.
EstablishingConsent
Consent is an absolute requirement. Naive people sometimes assume that when
twoorthreeorfourpeoplearealreadyhavingsex,itis okaytojustjoinin and
start fondling somebody. At most parties it isn’t—because you didn’t ask and
becauseyou don’tknowwhatthesepeoplewantorwhattheirlimits are.Soyou
might do the wrong thing, and the people you tried to join will have to stop
whatever they are having so much fun doing to deal with you, and they will be
justifiablyangry.Atyou.
Howareyougoingtogetconsentfrompeopleinthemiddleofahotfuck—tap
themontheshoulderandsay,“WillyoupleasestopamomentsoIcanaskifIcan
joinyou?”Thereisjustaboutnowaytojoinasexualscenethathasalreadystarted
unless you are already lovers with all the people involved, and even then you
shouldbecareful.Whenwewonderwhetherit’sokaytojoinfriendsofourswho
have already begun to play, we usually watch from a respectful distance until
somebody catches our eye and either beckons us over or doesn’t. Respect for
boundaries,aswehavesaidbefore,ismandatoryifeveryoneisgoingtofeelsafe
enoughtoplayfreelyandwithoutconstraint.Don’tbethepersonwhomakesthe
environmentunsafe.
Ifyouareplayingatapartyandsomeoneinvadesyourspace,youarequiteright
totellthatpersontomoveaway.Itisalsoappropriatetoletyourhostknowabout
intrusivepeopleandpushycome-ons—partyhostsdevelopskillstotalkwithpeople
about appropriate behavior and explain why the etiquette is as it is, and if the
personwillnotlearn,thehosthasthepowertoremovethatpersonfromtheguest
list.
WatchYourExpectations
Mostpeopleapproachtheirfirstgroupsexpartyinamaelstromoffears,fantasies,
and wild expectations about what might or, worse yet, might not happen. We
stronglyrecommendthatyougetagriponyourself,acknowledgethatyouactually
don’tknowwhatisgoingtohappen,andgotothepartywiththeexpectationthat
youwillbeproudofyourselfifyoumanagetowalkinthedoor.Ifyoustayforan
hour and watch, you get a gold star. If you manage to introduce yourself to
someoneandholdaconversation,giveyourselfamedalofhonor.
Going to an orgy is very challenging. Expect to be nervous. Expect to worry.
Expectafashioncrisis,andallowat leasttwohourstogetdressed.Helpfulhint:
build your outfit from materials that feel sensual—silk, leather, latex—so you feel
sensuous,too.Avoidfragileantiquesorpriceydesignerclothesifyouwanttofuck
inthem.Dresstofeelhot,lookgood,andbecomfortable—it’sbadenoughtohave
yourstomachchurning;youdon’tneedyourshoespinching.
“Expectafashioncrisis.”
Many parties have anarrival windowandspecify when doors open andwhen
theyclose.Otherwise,allthesenervouspeoplewillarrivelateafterspendinghours
workinguptheircourageandtheiroutfits,andthepartyhostswillnevergetany
timetoplay.
If this is your first party, take it easy on yourself. Promise yourself, and your
companions, that you will leave if anyone gets too uncomfortable. Establish a
signal, perhaps a hand on the elbow, to let them know that you need a private
placetotalkorthatyouneedsupport.Useanothersignaltocommunicatetothem
thatyou’dliketoleavesoon,withtheunderstandingthatsomeonewho’shappily
cruisingorflirtingorfoolingaroundmayneedsometimetowrapupwhatever’s
goingon.
Gowiththegoalofmakingafewacquaintancesandgettingfamiliarwiththe
scene andyour reactions toit.Ifyoudoget inspiredtoplayandfindsomeone
whowantstoplaywithyou,that’sfine,andifyoudon’t,that’sfine,too.Always
remember that this is your first party, potentially the first of many. You don’t
needtoaccomplishalifetimeoffantasiestonight;youhavetherestofyourlifeto
dothat.Youjustneedtotakeyourfirststeps.
CouplesandGroupsattheOrgy
Dealwithyourexistingrelationshipsbeforeyougototheparty.Thisisimportant.
Areyougoingtogethertoshowoffyourincrediblesexiness?Areyoucruisingfor
someone to make love with both, or all, of you? Or are you going as separate
individuals,tomeetpeopleandsharesexwiththem?Ifoneofyouconnectswitha
hotnumber,aretheothers invitedtojoinin?Doyouneedanyone’sagreement
beforeyouplaywithsomeonenew?Ifyouneedtopauseinaflirtationtocheckin
withyourexistingrelationships,experiencedslutswilladmireyourthoughtfulness
and integrity. Are you committed to going home together, or is it okay for
someone to sleep out, and if everyone wants to, what about the babysitter? The
reason you decide all this in advance is that it is way too ugly to have a
disagreementaboutthissortofthinginpublic,whereifyoudodisagree,youare
likelytofeelembarrassedandangryandmakeabigunhappymess.
Two friends of ours got locked in a disagreement about going to sex parties.
Theyboth wantedtogo,butonewantedtogoandplaywiththe other,andthe
otherwantedtoplaythefield.Whattodo?Well,therearepartiesatleastoncea
month around here, so they decided to go one month as a couple to do things
together,andthenexttosupporteachotherinseparatecruising,eachactingasthe
other’swingmantohelpdirecthotnumberstowardeachother.
We like to watch couples make love at parties—you can see the intimacy, and
how well they know each other’s ways, how beautifully they fit together, how
exquisitelyorchestratedlovemakingcanbecomewithyearsofpractice.Welikeit
asafineexperienceforthevoyeurandbecausewecanlearnalotfromwatching
peoplewhoareexpertsoneachother.Showingoffyourwondrousbeautytogether
is excellent advertising for the next time, when you come to the party ready to
welcomenewpartners.
Play parties can also offeryou theopportunity to processfearsandjealousies.
Howdoesitfeeltowatchsomeoneyoulovehavesexwithanotherperson?Isit
really awful? You might be surprised to find yourself feeling pretty neutral, like
“Gee,Ithoughtthatwouldbothermebutactuallyitdoesn’t!”Youmightlikethe
chance to observe a lover, how powerful they look when they thrust, how fierce
theylookwhentheycome.Itmighteventurnyouon.Thereisdefinitelyarousal
tobefoundintakingrisks.Somefindthatgroupsexcanrevuptheirsexlifeat
homebyprovidingalotofstimulus,newideastotryout,andthemotivationand
energytomaketheirhomelifeashotasanorgy.
ButtonsandBiases
Expecttogetyourbuttonspushed.Expecttodiscoveryourbiases.Atagroupsex
party, you will share unprecedented intimacy with a bunch of strangers, and
sometimesthatwillbedifficult.Youmightstartintoathree-waythatincludesa
personofagendernewtoyou,whichseemslikeahotideabutmightturnoutto
pushsomebuttons.Yeah,weknow,yousetouttobothmakelovetoyourpartner,
but there you are, with this new person, being sexual, and probably in physical
contact,andhowdoesthatfeel?
Weliketoattendpansexualgroupsexparties,whichmeansthatattendeesmay
identifyasgayorlesbianorbisexualorheteroortransgenderorwhatever,butare
generally comfortable and happy to play side by side with people whose desires
and identities may be entirely different from their own. We are always running
into issues about the unfamiliar: the lesbian who has never been naked in the
presenceofmen;thegaymanwhofearsjudgmentfromwomenorviolencefrom
straightmen;thetranswomanwhogetstowonderwhetherthatpersonwhoisso
attractedtoherknowswhatshe’sgotunderherskirt,anddotheycare,andifthey
care,whataretheygoingtodo?
Whatever yourprejudices are—the people at this party aretooold,tooyoung,
too male, too female, too queer, too straight, too fat, too thin, too white, too
ethnic,whatever—itreallyisgoodforyoutolearntogetbiggerthanyourbiases—
sexy,too.
EverythingEmbarrassingYouNeverThoughtof
DoinginPublic
Inourfantasies,weallcometogetherassmoothlyasFredandGinger,carriedaway
bythemusiconarisingtideofpassion—andsometimesitwillbelikethat.But
youprobablywillneedtopracticefirst,justlikeFredandGinger.Your erection
mightrefusetocooperateasyounearthemomentoftruth,especiallywhenyou
suddenly remember you need to put a condom on it. Orgasm might be more
difficulttofocusoninanoisyenvironmentwithanunfamiliarpartner.Whatif
yousetouttoplaywithsomeoneandyoucan’tfindyourturn-on?
If you find yourself internally panicking, we encourage you to breathe. Slow
down.RememberthatthisisnottheOlympics.Youhavenothingtoprove—you
andyournewfriendaresettingouttodothingsthatfeelgoodwithyourbodies.
Touchfeelsgood.Strokingfeelsgood.Takingtimefeelsgood.Slowdownenough
sothatyoucantrulyfeelwhatyouaredoing.Worryingaboutthefuturewillnot
help you get there: focus on what you are feeling in the present. Erections and
orgasmsmightcome,mightgo,butyoucannevergowrongbydoingwhatfeels
good.
Thenoise andhecticenergy ofapartycanlead people torush,whenslowing
down would be a better way to connect with your turn-on. Different people are
turned on in very different ways. A very important kind of self-knowledge will
comeinhandyatthesetimes:knowwhatturnsyouon.Whetherit’sbitingonthe
neck or sucking on the backs of knees, when you know what gets your juices
flowing,youcanaskforit,andthenyourplaypartnerwillknowwhatturnsyou
onandfeelfreertotellyouwhatturnsthemon,andbeforeyouknowit,thereyou
allare,completelyturnedonandfloatingdowntheriverofunbridledlust.
TheTerrificallyGayTraditionofPoliticalActivism
andCommunalIdeals
Allofuswhoqualifyassexualminoritiesbecome,inmanyways,outcastsfromthemainstream
culture. Whenweneedtomaintaina closetat work,and our familieswon’tletus bring two
partnerstoThanksgivingdinner,andwearenotwelcomeatthechurchwegrewupinunless
wepretendtobe“normal,”thenweloseaccesstothesupportofourfamilies,ourreligions,our
communities.Gaymenhaveevolvedaclearanswertothisproblem:bandingtogethertobuild
communitiesoftheirown.Dossielivedinthesecommunitiesforthreedecades.(Janetwanted
to,desperately,butwasbusybeingaheterosexual,vanilla,monogamouslymarriedmomatthe
time.)
Please note that language that was used back then was very different from today’s
terminology—ourconceptsaboutgenderandorientationhavechanged,oftenbecauseofthe
peoplewearewritingabouthere.Also,wewritemostlyaboutSanFranciscobecauseitisthe
communityweknowbest.
Thepioneersofqueerculturehaveoftenbeenthemostvisiblydifferentandthusthemost
oppressedmembersofgaycommunities—thoseforwhomclosetsarenotpossible.Inthelate
1950s, two remarkable men from opposite ends of the gender spectrum began building the
culturewetakeforgrantedtoday.Remember,thiswastheerawhenevenwearinggarmentsof
the“wrong”genderoftencarriedacriminalpenalty,andactuallygettingcaughthavingsame-
sexrelationscouldlandyoualongstretchinjail(amongothersofyourownsex,gofigure).
Inthelate1950s,afemaleimpersonator(dragqueen)namedJoséSarriagottiredofgetting
harassed, beat up, and arrested, so he took to the streets in outrageous costumes for fierce
political activism. The police raided his parties, so he hired good lawyers and fought back.
Eventually he established a “beauty contest” in which men vied for the titles of Empress and
EmperorofSanFrancisco.Ifyouwonsuchatitle,youwereexpectedtogiveayearofyourlife
to organizing gatherings of your communities as fund-raisers for major charities, so queer
reputationswereimprovedinthewidercommunitybytheirabilitytoraisecashhavingfun.The
ImperialCourtsarenowfoundincitiesallaroundtheworld,stillfightingforallofourfreedom
by gathering together in outrageous visibility, in numbers too large to challenge, to throw a
hugepartyandraisemoneyforcharity.Sarriaisfondlyrememberedforgatheringallhisfansat
closing time on the sidewalk across the street from the police station, singing their anthem
“GodBlessUsNellieQueens”—checkhimoutonYouTube.
Meanwhile, in Chicago, Chuck Renslow, a gay photographer and publisher of physique
magazines featuring images of nude and near-nude men, went public when he opened a
leatherbarin1959calledtheGoldCoast.Heestablishedasimilarannualcontestthatwould
becomeInternationalMr.Leather,oneofthelargesteventsinthecityofChicago.Dungeons
arebuiltinhotelballrooms,hugecharitabledonationsareraised,andforoneweekend,every
hotelandeverystreetinthecityisfilledwithhappypeopleinhighleatherdrag.
By thelate1960s,theSummerofLovehad opened awholelotofminds tothepossibility
thattheremightbeafreerworldinthefuture,includingtheyummypossibilityoffreedomof
expression in sex and gender. Some outrageously queer sluts built astonishing institutions in
thateraofcommunalliving,spiritualtraveling,andpoliticalactivism.TheKaliflowerCommune
putoutaweeklynewsletter,hand-deliveredtoallthecommunesoftheBayArea.TheAngels
of Light, pioneers of the gender-bending movement, ran food conspiracies and performed
genderfuckstreettheater.TheCockettesputonstagedshowsandtouredinternationally.
By the late ’60s there were parades, with bears and butches and drag queens in bright
plumage,openingupaworldofpossibilitiesofwhatmenandwomenofallorientationscould
explore. Thesegender-benders representedthecuttingedgeof gay liberation, culminatingin
theStonewallRebellionof1969,inwhichtransgenderfolk—dragqueensandbutches—fought
backagainstpoliceharassmentandviolence.
Community development continued into the 1970s: buildings were bought, businesses
created. The development of the Castro in San Francisco and similar districts in other cities
spearheaded a new freedom that allowed visibly queer people, for the first time, to find jobs
andrentapartmentswithoutneedingtoliveindisguise.And1970sawthebeginningsofwhat
would become San Francisco Gay Pride, a hugely popular event that eventually became the
triumphalmarchthroughSanFranciscothatwecelebratetoday,againcreatingaplatformfor
politicalactivismandfundraisingforcharitywhilethrowingoneenormousparty.
Toward the end of the 1970s, the gay community, outcast from conventional churches,
steppeduptocreatetheirown.TheMetropolitanCommunityChurch(MCC)wasfoundedby
BaptistpreacherTroyPerryin1968towelcomeLGBTQworshipersofalldenominations.There
are presently 222 Metropolitan Community Churches around the world, in thirty-seven
countries.In1978theOrderofPerpetualIndulgencewasfounded,knownfortheiroutrageous
parodies of nun’s habits and amusing “saint” names like Sister Missionary Position and Sister
Frieda Peeples. A Sister must pass through serious stages of initiation as a postulant and a
novice before taking vows. The Order sees the Sisters as dedicating their lives to charity,
education, political street theater, and generally helping people. The Sisters worked tirelessly
throughout the 1980s to educate the public about safer sex and provide support to those
afflictedwithAIDS.TheRadicalFaeries alsoemergedaround 1979, creating auniquelyqueer
spiritual practice. Faeries formed “sanctuaries” by purchasing undeveloped land and creating
campgrounds and cabins, inviting everyone else in to celebrate the Grand Sabbaths, and
generating a culture that fit for them. There are now eight Faerie sanctuaries in the United
Statesandmoreinothercountries.
AstheAIDSepidemicunfolded,fartoomanyofthesebraveandbeautifulgaymenbecame
horribly sick; hundreds of thousands died in the United States alone. Once again, the gay
communityrolledup its elegant sleeves and went towork. TheSF AIDSFoundation became
thefirstofmany,asthecommunityrealizeditneededitsownsocialservicestoensureloving
treatmentofoursickmembers.AIDSactivistsspurredgovernmentinvestmentinresearchand
protested until adequate treatment centers were opened. In 1984, the Folsom Street Fair
becameanannualfestivalofhappyfar-outsexualities.Defiantlycolorfulinthefaceofsomuch
grimness, they collected money for charities (of course): now the charities were our own
institutions.
CurrentstatisticsshowSanFranciscoPrideandtheFolsomStreetFairasCalifornia’ssecond-
andthird-largestpublicgatherings.FromtheseedsplantedbyJoséSarriaandChuckRenslow,
theseenormousandlife-changingeventsandcommunitiesbloomed,andcontinuetoflower:
a great symbol of the growing power and strength of the queer community, the support
systemstheyhavecreatedforthemselves,andtheirincreasingacceptanceamongtheworldat
large. Fifty years ago, we used to start protest marches by dancing down the sidewalks
chanting, “Out of the closet and into the street!” Our activism started on the street and has
goneontochangemanylivesandmany,manyminds.
CONCLUSION
ASLUTUTOPIA
Well,hereweare,attheendofourbook.Butbeforewelaunchyoubackoutinto
theworld,wewanttoleaveyouwithonefinalconceptthatmayhelpyoushape
yourthinkingasyoudesignyourownlifefullofwhateverkindsofsexandlove
youwant.
FromTwotoMany
Theworldisveryfondofbinaries:blackandwhite,maleandfemale,mindand
body,good and bad.These pairs,wealllearn,areopposed: there’s the rightway
andthewrongway,andourtaskistodobattletodefendtherightanddestroythe
wrong. This kind of thinking dominates our courts, our politics, and our talk
shows,withsomecrazyresults:forinstance,somepeoplebelievethatanyonewho
enjoyssexoutsideofmarriage,orakindofmarriagethat’sdifferentfromtheirs,
mustbeattackingtheirmarriage.Anythingthatisdifferentmustbeopposed,must
betheenemy.
When right andwrongareyouronlyoptions,youmaybelievethatyoucan’t
love more than one person or that you can’t love in different ways or that you
haveafinitecapacityforlove—that“many”mustsomehowbeopposedto“one,”
or that your only options are in love and out of love, with no allowance for
differentdegreesorkindsoflove.
Wewouldliketoproposesomethingdifferent.Insteadoffrettingaboutwhat’s
right or what’s wrong, try valuing whatever is in front of you without viewing
anythingasinoppositiontoanyotherthing.Wethinkthatifyoucandothis,
youwilldiscoverthatthereareasmanywaystobesexualastherearetobehuman,
andallofthemarevalid,anabundanceofwaystorelate,tolove,toexpressgender,
tosharesex,toformfamilies,tobeintheworld,tobehuman…andnoneofthem
inanywayreducesorinvalidatesanyoftheothers.
Whenweopenourmindstoaworldbeyondopposites,webecomeabletosee
beyondunrealisticperfectionandunachievablegoals.Wecanfreeourselvestobe
fullyconsciousofallthewonderfulvarietyanddiversitythatthereisrightnowin
theworld,righthere,inthepresent,availabletous.
Thussluthoodcanbecomeapathtotranscendence:afreeingofthemindand
spirit as well as the body, a way of being in the world that allows expanded
awareness,spiritualgrowth,andlovebeyondimagining.
“Sluthoodcanbecomeapathtotranscendence,afreeingofthemindandspirit
aswellasthebody.”
ASlutManifesto
By examining the issues that limit our relationships and our understanding of
howwemightbe,weareplanningforasocietythatisappropriatetothewaymany
peoplelivetoday—one thatmeetsourneedforchangeandgrowthwhilefeeding
ourfundamentaldesireforbelongingandfamily.
Webelievethatmonogamywillcontinuetothriveasitalwayshas,aperfectly
valid choice for those who truly choose it. We want to open our vision to
accommodatemonogamyaswellasaplethoraofotheroptions—toplanforfamily
and social structures that have growing room, that will continue to stretch and
adapt, that we can fit to our needs in the future. We believe that new forms of
familiesareevolvingnowandwillcontinuetoevolve,nottoreplacethenuclear
familybuttosupplementitwithnewpossibilities:awholeworldofchoicesabout
sharingfamilyandsexandlove.Wewanttosetyoufreetoinventthesocietyyou
wanttolivein.
Our vision of utopia has free love—in all its forms—as the foundation of our
beliefsaboutreality,aboutpossibility,aboutstayinginthemomentandplanning
thefuture.Webelievethatthefreedomtolovehelpsusseeourlivesastheyreally
are,withthehonestytoperceiveourselvesclearlyandthefluiditytoletusmove
onward as our needs alter, as a changing and growing self with changing and
growingpartnersinachangingandgrowingworld.
Weseeethicalsluthoodleadingustoaworldwherewerespectandhonoreach
individual’sboundariesmorethanwehonoranypreconceivedsetofrulesabout
whattheirboundariesoughttobe.
Andinexpandingoursexuallives,weforeseethedevelopmentofanadvanced
sexuality where we can become both more natural and more human. Sex and
intimacyreallyarephysicalexpressionsofawholelotofstuffthatotherwisehas
no physical existence: love and joy, deep emotion, intense closeness, profound
connection, spiritual awareness, incredibly good feelings, sometimes even
transcendentecstasy.Inourutopia,intellectisnotatrapthatwegetstuckin,but
anhonoredtoolweusetogiveformtoourexperience.Wefreeournaturalselves
byopeningourintellectstosensualawarenessofourbodies,andwhenweareno
longer stuck in our intellects, we can become free to welcome spirit: intuitive,
experiencing the joy of life for the simple sake of experiencing, in communion
withourselves,witheachother,andbeyond.
OurFavoriteFantasy:AbundanceinSexandLove
We want everyone to be free to express love in every possible way. We want to
create a world where everyone has plenty of what they need: of community, of
connection, oftouch andsex andlove.Wewantourchildrentoberaisedinan
expandedfamily,aconnectedvillagewithincontemporaryalienation,wherethere
areenough adults wholove them andeach other,so there is plentyofloveand
attention and nurturance—more than enough to go around. We want a world
wherethesickandagingarecaredforbypeoplewholovethem,whereresources
aresharedbypeoplewhocareabouteachother.
Wedreamofaworldwherenooneisdrivenbydesirestheyhavenohopeof
fulfilling, where no one suffers from shame for their desires or embarrassment
abouttheirdreams,wherenooneisstarvingfromlackofloveorsex.Wedreamof
aworldwherenooneislimitedbyrules thatdictatethatthey mustbe less ofa
personthantheyhavethecapacitytobe.
Wedreamofaworldwherenobodygetstovoteonyourlifechoicesorwhoyou
choosetolove orhowyouchoosetoexpressthatlove,exceptyourselfandyour
lovers.Wedreamofatimeandaplacewherewewillallbefreetopubliclydeclare
ourlove,forwhomeverwelove,howeverwelovethem.
Andmaywealllookforwardtoalifetimeofdreamscometrue.
ASlut’sGlossary
New words and terminologies are coined constantly, which is a challenge for
writersandslutsalike.Thisprogressisinevitable:wemustrefineourlanguageas
wefreeourselvestoenternewexperiencesbecauseitisnexttoimpossibletothink
clearlyandmakedecisionsaboutchoicesforwhichyouhavenolanguage.
Many of the termsinthis book maybeunfamiliartoyou,andsomemaybe
defineddifferentlyindifferentregionsandcommunities.Additionally,newterms
areinventedfrequentlyandolderonessometimesfalloutoffavororchangetheir
meanings. In this glossary, we’ll define these words, and some others you may
encounterinopenlysexualcommunities,asweunderstandthemtoday.
ASEXUAL Someone who does not experience sexual attraction. The asexual
community, which is estimated to be at least 1 percent of people in the United
States,hasbuiltanextensivevocabularyforalltheflavorsandtypesofasexuality—
ifyoudoawebsearchon“asexual,”you’llfindplentyofinformationaboutthis
seldom-discussedorientation.
BDSMActivities in whichoneperson controlsthe behaviorof another,and/or
putstheminbondage,and/orgivesthemintensesensations.BDSMderivesfrom
B/Dforbondageanddiscipline,D/Sfordominanceandsubmission,andS/M(or
SMorS&M)forsadomasochism.Youmayalsohearitcalled“kink,”“eroticpower
exchange,”orjustplain“SM.”
CENTRIST Used to draw attention to unspoken expectations about the way
things “should”be.Weuse terms like heterocentrist,eurocentrist,male-centrist, female-
centrist,queer-centrist,andcouple-centrist.Couple-centristbeliefs,forexample,arethose
thattreatthecoupleastheprimaryunitofourculture,thusplacinganyonewho
isn’tpartofacoupleoutsidethemainstream.
COMMITMENT In common usage, seems to mean an agreement to lifetime
monogamy.Obviously,wedon’t use itthatway in thisbook.To us,commitment
meansmakingapromiseforthefutureandfollowingthroughonthatpromise—
whether it’s a promise to “cleave unto you only” or to meet for a hot weekend
onceayear.
COMPERSION A happy or even erotic feeling that arises from seeing your
beloved’s pleasurewithsomeone else.Formanypeople, adelight in compersion
helpsreduceanydifficultfeelingsofjealousy.
DRAMA A slightly pejorative term for the struggles that often involve
misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and so on. Those of us who have chosen to
avoidthewell-pavedroadofsocialexpectationsregardingrelationshipsmusthack
our way through some fairly dense shrubbery—or drama—to blaze our own
pathways.
FAITHFUL/FIDELITYOutsidethesepages,generallymeanshavingsexonlywith
oneperson.However,thedictionarysaysfidelityis“demonstratedbycontinuing
loyaltyandsupport,”andthatsoundsrighttous.
FLUID BONDING A safer-sex strategy in which committed partners agree to
have unprotected sex only with one another and to use barriers and/or stick to
low-risksexualbehaviorswithalltheirotherpartners.
FRIENDWITH BENEFITS Current parlance for someone with whom you can
havesex(the“benefits”part)withouttheneedtocommittoalifelongromantic
relationship(the“friend”)part.
FUCKCanmeangenitalsexingeneralor,specifically,penetrativesex.It’sstillthe
four-letterwordthatgetsthestrongestreaction(withtheexceptionofcunt),butit
seemsashametousthatsuchaniceactivitygetsusedasacurse.
FUCK BUDDY In common use in the gay men’s community, a friendly
relationshipthatisbasedonasexualconnection.
GENDERThecatchphraseusedingender-explorativecirclesis,“Yoursexiswhat’s
between your legs; your gender is what’s between your ears.” Someone who was
bornwithfemalegenitalsandchromosomesbutpreferstointeractwiththeworld
asaman(possiblyusingsurgeryand/orhormonestofurtherthatgoal)isthusof
the male gender. Those who prefer to occupy a place somewhere between the
extremes of binary gender, or who like to be playful with their gender
presentation, are called “nonbinary,” “genderqueer,” “gender-fluid,” or “gender-
bent.”
HETERONORMATIVITY The culture-defining belief that heterosexuality is
normal,thatnormalityisdesirable,andthatanyotherchoicesarenotnormaland
thuswrong.
INTERSEXApersonwhoisbornwiththephysicalcharacteristicsofmorethan
onesex.Intersexpeopleoftenlobbyforthefreedomtogrowupinthebodiesthey
werebornwithratherthanenduresurgeriesandotherinvasivemedicaltreatment
frombirthonwardtoforcethemtoconformtoamaleorfemalegender.
KINKAnyformofsexoutsidethemainstream,oftenusedspecificallyforBDSM,
leather,and/orfetishplay.
LEATHERAnotherwayoftalkingaboutBDSMandrelatedbehaviors.Theterm
isgenerallyinwideruseingay,lesbian,andqueercircles.
METAMOUR A lover’s lover. “My metamours and I like to get together for
brunchonceinawhile.”
MONOGAMISH The relationship style practiced by partners who are socially
pair-bonded but whose agreements allow some degree of sexual connection with
outsidepartners.Thewordwascoinedbycolumnist/activistDanSavage.
MONONORMATIVITYTheculturalbeliefthatmonogamyisnormalandthatall
otherchoicesgetdefinedinrelationtomonogamy.
MUNCH A social get-together of polyfolk in a restaurant or similar location.
Munches have been established for many online communities. Other ways of
meetinglike-mindedpeopleincludemeetups,potlucks,conferences,andsoon.
NEW RELATIONSHIP ENERGY (NRE) The intense feelings that may
accompanythe“honeymoon”phaseofanewconnection;alsocalled“limerence.”
NONJUDGMENTAL An attitude that is free of irrational or unjustifiable
moralizing.It does notmean“all-accepting.”It meansbeing willing tojudge an
activityorrelationshiponthebasisofhowwellitworksfortheparticipantsand
notonsomeexternalstandardofabsoluterightnessorwrongness.
OPENRELATIONSHIPArelationshipinwhichthepeopleinvolvedhavesome
degreeoffreedomtofuckand/orlovepeopleoutsidetherelationship.Hence,an
eight-persongroupmarriagemaybeeither“open”or“closed.”
OPENHEARTEDNESS Greeting the world with compassion and without
defensiveness; opening yourself to whatever love or connection your life offers
you.
ORIENTATION Usually means gay, lesbian, bisexual, heterosexual, or asexual.
Manypeopleengageinsex,romance,and/orintimacyoutsidetheboundariesof
theirchosenorientationwithoutfeelingtheneedtochangethatorientation.Itis
quite possiblethatorientationhasatleastas muchtodowith culture asitdoes
withsex.
OUTERCOURSESexthatfocusesonpartsofthebodyotherthanthegenitals.
Suchplayisgenerallynonpenetrativeand/ornon-fluid-sharing:handsandmouths
onskin,sextoys,mutualmasturbation,phonesex,role-playing,andsuch.Itcan
provideasafer-sexandbirthcontrolstrategy,isagreatwaytofindyourturn-on,
andisfuninandofitself.
PANSEXUAL Inclusive of all genders and orientations. The word is also
sometimesusedinlieuof“bisexual”bypeoplewhofeelthat“bisexual”refersonly
tobinarygender(itdoesn’t).
PATHOLOGIZE/PATHOLOGIZING To treat any behavior, including a
functional sexual or relationship pattern, as disordered or as a disease, usually
becauseit’sunfamiliar.
POLYAMORYOftenshortenedto“poly,”thisnewwordhasgainedagreatdeal
ofcurrencyinrecentyears.Somefeelitincludesallformsofsexualrelationships
otherthanmonogamy,whileothersrestrictitsmeaningtocommittedlong-term
love relationships (thereby excluding swinging, casual sexual contact, fuck-buddy
circles,andotherformsofintimacy).Welikeitbecause,unlike“nonmonogamy,”
itdoesnotassumemonogamyasanorm.Ontheotherhand,itsmeaningisstilla
bitvague.
POLYCULE A network of people connected through romantic or sexual
interactions.Itissometimescalleda“constellation”or“pod.”
POLYFIDELITYAsubsetofpolyamoryinwhichmorethantwopeople,possibly
two or more couples, form a sexually exclusive group. It is sometimes used as a
safer-sexstrategy.
QUEER A recently reclaimed word, originally an insult aimed at homosexual
people. In some communities this word means specifically “gay or lesbian.”
However,itisusedincreasinglyasapolitical/sexualself-definitionbyanyonewho
doesn’tfitneatlyintomainstreamsexualexpectations.Itisoftencombinedwitha
descriptionofwhatmakesyouqueer,asin“genderqueer”or“leatherqueer.”
RECLAIM/RECLAIMING If someone uses a word about you in an attempt to
insultoroffendyou,youcaneithergetangryoryoucandefusethewordbyusing
ityourselfsoit’snolongeraninsult.Wordsthathavebeenreclaimedinthisway
include“queer,”“dyke,”“faggot,”“tranny,”and,yes,“slut.”
RELATIONSHIPANARCHYAstyleofrelatinginwhichparticipantschoosenot
torankrelationshipsfrommostimportanttoleastimportant,andwhichrelieson
asfewagreementsaspossible.
RELATIONSHIP ESCALATOR A way of approaching relationships in which
each step leads inevitably to the next: from dating to sexual exclusivity to
engagementtomarriagetochildren,andsoon.Mostslutswillclimbagreatmany
stairstoavoidgettingontothis“escalator.”
SEX Frankly, it doesn’t matter what definition we use—sex is whatever you and
yourpartnersthinkitis.Andwhateveryouthinksexis,weapproveofit—because
allformsofconsensualsexcanbewonderful.
SEXADDICTIONReferstocompulsivesexualbehaviorthattakesoveraperson’s
lifetotheextentthatitinterfereswithhealthyfunctioninginrelationships,work,
or other aspects of life. It is far too often used as a way of pathologizing happy
slutsandisthesubjectofheateddebateinsextherapycommunities.
SEX-NEGATIVEThebeliefthatsexisdangerous,sexualdesireiswrong,female
sexualityisdestructiveandevil,malesexualityispredatoryanduncontrollable,the
task of every civilized human being is to confine sexuality within very narrow
limits,sexistheworkofthedevil,Godhatessex…Gotthepicture?
SEX-POSITIVEThebeliefthatsexisahealthyforceinourlives.Thisphrasewas
createdbysexeducatorsattheNationalSexForuminthelate1960s.Itdescribesa
person or group that maintains an optimistic, open-minded, nonjudgmental
attitudetowardallformsofconsensualsexuality.
SLUTApersonwhocelebratessexualityanderoticlovewithanopenmindand
anopenheart.
SLUT-SHAMINGTreatingsomeoneasless-than,orinsultingorharmingthem,
becausetheyhavesexinawaythatthespeakerthinksiswrongorexcessive.
SLUTWALKSDemonstrationsheldannuallyinmanymajorcitiestofightback
againstslut-shaming.
THEY/THEM/THEIR These pronouns are for use when you are uncertain of
someone’s gender or when they do not identify with conventional genders. The
English language is struggling right now to catch up with today’s fluid sense of
genderbyacknowledgingtheneedforgender-neutralsingularpronouns;asofthis
writing, “they/them/their” seem to be the gender-neutral pronouns of choice,
althoughWikipedialistsmorethanadozenotherpossibilities.Wehavechosento
usethey/them/theirinthisbook.Seegender.
TRANS (“trans,” “transman,” “transwoman,” etc.) Someone who identifies as a
gender different from the one their chromosomes and/or genitals dictate.
Transfolkmayormaynotdecidetotakehormonesand/orhavesurgerytochange
theirphysicalappearance.Seegender.
WINGMAN A friend who helps steer potential partners your way. A current or
formerlovercanmakeanexcellentwingman—whoknowsmoreaboutwhatmakes
youdesirablethansomeonewhohasdesiredyou?
FurtherReading
Wedecidednottoincludewebsitesinthiseditionbecausetheycomeandgoso
quickly,andbecauseafewminuteswithyourfavoritesearchenginewillpointyou
toward the information you need. We suggest being careful about using sexual
terms in your search unless you want to see your monitor fill up with links to
porn (which is nice when you want porn but not so good when you want
information);ifyou absolutely can’t avoidit,addthe word“educational”andit
willeliminatemostofthesmut:
vaginalfistingeducational
Start with a nonjudgmental and nonvulgar word for the subject that interests
youandthenaddothertermstofilteritdown.
Ifyouwanttofindresourcesinyourarea,usethenameofyourcityoranearby
city,likethis:
polyamorybisexualBoise
Ifthe thingyou wanttoknow abouthasmore thanone wordin it,then put
doublequotesaroundit,likethis:
“openrelationships”transBoston
We still like books best, though. The following is a list of books that we’ve
foundusefulforpolyamoryandothersexuallyadventurouslifestyles.Newbooks
areproliferatinglikebunniesinthespringtime,andwecan’tkeepupwithallof
them—soourapologiesifwe’veomittedyourfavorite.
The books we’re most familiar with are all terrific, and each one offers
viewpointsthatothersdon’t,butasofthelatestcount,weknowofdozensmore,
eachwithlotstooffer.Readthemall,butifyoucanonlyaffordafew,wesuggest
that you check out the ones we list here in alphabetical order by the primary
author’slastname.
TheIntimateEnemy:HowtoFightFairinLoveandMarriage,GeorgeR.Bachand
PeterWyden(Morrow,1968).Theconceptof“fairfighting”wasfirstexpounded
by Dr. Bach in this wonderful book. Published fifty years ago, the book is
somewhat outdated, but the material on communication as well as the detailed
descriptionsofconstructivewaystoshareyourangerwithapartnerarepriceless.
RewritingtheRules:AnIntegrativeGuidetoLove,Sex,andRelationships,MegBarker
(Routledge, 2012). An intelligent overview of the pros and cons of all the ways
people in the twenty-first century are choosing to arrange their sexual and
relationshiplives.
Reclaiming Eros: Sacred Whores and Healers, Suzanne Blackburn and Margaret
Wade (Suāde Publishing, 2007). Interviews with people all over the world who
practicesexworkashealing.
UrbanTantra,BarbaraCarrellas(CelestialArts,2007).Howtousethetechniques
of tantra—breath, gaze, motion, and so on—to bring greater intensity and
connectiontoyour sexplay.Inclusive of allgendersandorientations,including
BDSM/leather.
Sex for One: The Joy of Self-Loving, Betty Dodson (Random House, 1996). The
historicaffirmationofmasturbationasapathwaytoself-love.
The Survivor’s Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life After Childhood
Sexual Abuse, Staci Haines (Cleis Press, 1999). An amazing discussion of the
problems that can persist and the ways many people have succeeded in
overcomingthem.
The Guide to Getting It On, Paul Joannides (Goofy Foot Press, 2009).
Comprehensive, nonjudgmental sex information, aimed at teenagers and young
adults.
TheJealousyWorkbook:ExercisesandInsightsforManagingOpenRelationships,Kathy
Labriola(GreeneryPress,2013).Atroveofexercisestodosolo,withapartner,or
amongagroup.AlsocheckoutLabriola’sLoveinAbundance:ACounselor’sAdviceon
OpenRelationships(GreeneryPress,2013).
GirlSex101,AlisonMoon(LunaticInk,2015).Everythingyoueverwantedto
knowabout having sex with women. Written primarily for lesbian and bisexual
women (including trans women), but anyone who loves women can learn a lot
here.
TheEroticMind,JackMorin(Harper,1996).Abrilliantuntanglingoftheeternal
conflict between the comfortable ease of long-term relationships and the
passionatetensionthatlightsafireundersex.
ALegalGuideforLesbianandGayCouples(Nolo,2007)andLivingTogether:ALegal
GuideforUnmarriedCouples(Nolo,2008).Usefulresourcesforanyonewhocan’t,or
doesn’tchooseto,engageinlegalmarriage.
MatinginCaptivity:UnlockingEroticIntelligence,EstherPerel(HarperPaperbacks,
2007).Anyonewhohaseverbeenpartofalong-termrelationshiphasexperienced
thetensionbetweenthecomfortableeverydaynessofsettledloveandthesteamy
excitementofnovelty.Perel’sintelligent,informedbookcanhelpyoufindwaysto
accomplishboth,whetherornotyou’remonogamous.
ExhibitionismfortheShy:ShowOff,DressUp, andTalkHot!,CarolQueen(Down
There Press, 2009). Uncovering your inner slut, for shy folks of all genders and
orientations.
The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone, Carol
Queen and Shar Rednour (Good Vibrations, 2015). Up-to-the-minute advice on
sexualityforallages,genders,orientations,andrelationshipconfigurations.
NonviolentCommunication:ALanguageofLife,MarshallB.RosenbergandArun
Gandhi(PuddledancerPress,2003).Oneofthebestcontemporarybooksforusing
communicationsskillsindealingwithconflictofallsorts.
SexatDawn:PrehistoricOriginsofModernSexuality,ChrisRyanandCacildaJethá
(Harper, 2010). Discussions of the wide variety of strategies humans have
developedtomanagesex andreproduction,andhow theyhave evolvedintothe
wayswelivetoday.
WhenSomeoneYouLoveIsPolyamorous:UnderstandingPolyPeopleandRelationships,
Dr. Elizabeth Sheff (Thorntree Press, 2016). A reassuring little volume to share
withscandalizedfamilies,friends,andcoworkers.
Joy of Gay Sex, Charles Silverstein (William Morrow Paperbacks, 2006). The
classicbookaboutmale/malesex,informativeandhot.
The Explorer’s Guide to Planet Orgasm: For Every Body, Annie Sprinkle with Beth
Stephens (Greenery Press, 2017). A fun, approachable, gender-flexible, illustrated
guidetoallkindsoforgasmsandhowtodiscoverthem.
More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory, Franklin Veaux and Eve
Rickert(ThorntreePress,2014).Athorough,realisticguidetolong-termmultiple
relationships.
AskMeaboutPolyamory:TheBestofKimchiCuddles,TikvaWolf(ThorntreePress,
2016).Awholecartoonbookaboutpolyamory!Itslightheartednessmightmakeit
agoodchoicetosharewithanuncertainfamilymemberorfriend.
AbouttheAuthors
Dossie Easton is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in
alternative sexualities and relationships, with more than twenty-five years of
experiencecounselingopenrelationships.Sheistheauthoroffourotherbooks.
Shehasbeenanethicalslutsince1969.Visitwww.dossieeaston.com.
JanetW.HardyistheauthororcoauthoroftwelvebooksandfounderofGreenery
Press,apublisherspecializinginsexuallyadventurousbooks.ShehasanMFAin
creativewritingfromSt.Mary’sCollegeofCalifornia.Shesworeoffmonogamyin
1987.Visitwww.janetwhardy.com.
DossieandJanethaveauthoredseveralotherbooks,availablefromGreeneryPress:
When Someone You Love Is Kinky is for the friends, family, coworkers, and
partners of anyone who’s involved in an alternative sexuality like S/M, D/S,
leather,cross-dressing,orfetish.(Note:Janetwrotethisbookunderherformerpen
name,CatherineA.Liszt.)
TheNewBottomingBookandTheNewToppingBookshowhowtobringallyour
power,sexiness,andsmartstoyourroleasaBDSMbottomortop.
Radical Ecstasy: SM Journeys to Transcendence chronicles Dossie and Janet’s
individual and mutual experiences with altered states of consciousness during
BDSM play and offers some ideas drawn from tantra and other practices about
howtojourneythereyourself.
JanetisalsotheauthorofTheSexuallyDominantWoman(writtenas“LadyGreen”),
SpankingforLovers,and(withDr.CharlesMoser)SexDisasters…AndHowtoSurvive
Them,aswellasamemoir,Girlfag:ALifeToldinSexandMusicals(BeyondBinary
Press).
Index
A
Abortion,1.1,1.2,1.3
Abundance,1.1,1.2,con.1
Abusiverelationships,1.1,1.2
Affection,1.1,1.2
Affirmations
Afterglow
Age,1.1,1.2
Agreements
changing
consentand
emotionalcostand
examplesof
exercise
flexible
goals,defining
lackof
legal
makingandkeeping,c01.1,c01.2,1.1
needfor,identifying,1.1
negotiatingdifferences,1.1,c01.1
predictabilityand
purposeof
rulesvs.
vetopowerin
AIDS.SeeHIV/AIDS
Alcohol,1.1,1.2
Analsex,1.1,1.2,1.3
Anger
communicating
exercise
importanceand
jealousyand,1.1,1.2
listeningto
workingwith
Arguments.SeeConflict
Aromanticism
Asexuality,1.1,1.2,1.3
B
BDSM,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4,1.5,1.6,1.7
Beliefs
ofethicalsluts
aboutlove
questioning,c01.1,1.1,1.2,1.3
inrightandwrong
Birthcontrol,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4,1.5
Bisexuals
cruisingand
sluthoodand
swingingand
Blackcommunities,polyin
Blame,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4
Bodyimage
Boundaries
childrenand,1.1,1.2
couplesdealingwith,1.1,c01.1
culturaldifferencesin
described
importanceof
inrelationships
role
singleslutsand
SeealsoLimits;“No,”saying
Breakups
Byrne,Olive“Dotsie,”
C
Celibacy,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4,1.5
Centrisms
Cheating,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4
Children
adopting
boundariesfor,c01.1,1.1
choosingtohave
creatingconsistencyfor
inextendedfamilies,1.1,c01.1
losingcustodyof
oflovers
loversand
questionsfrom
sexeducationfor
talkingwith
Choices,owningyour
ChurchofAllWorlds
Circles
Cleanlove,c01.1,1.1
Commitment,1.1,1.2
Communication
withchildren
dumpingvs.sharing
aboutjealousy
aboutsex,c01.1,c01.2,1.1,1.2,1.3
skills
Community/extendedfamily
boundariesand
breakupsand,1.1,c01.1
building
childrenand,1.1,1.2
Compersion
Competitiveness,1.1,1.2,1.3
Condoms,1.1,1.2
Conflict
blameand,1.1,1.2
exercises,1.1,1.2,1.3
fightingfair
freedomand
I-messages
jealousyconcealing
owningyourfeelingsduring
resolution,1.1,1.2
resourcesfor
responsesto
schedulingfights,1.1,1.2
takingtimetorespond
triggeringand
win-winsolutions,c01.1,1.1
writingletters
Connecting
challengesof
desiredrelationshiptypeand
exercise
throughpersonalads
venuesfor
“who”listfor
Consent
cultureof
defining,c01.1,c01.2,1.1
gaymenand
atgroupsexparties
importanceof,1.1,1.2,1.3
lesbianwomenand
violations,c01.1,1.1
Constellations,1.1,1.2,1.3
Couples
challengesfor
committed
cruisingas
married
monogamish
multihouse
atsexparties
singleslutswith
traditional
SeealsoOpeninganexistingrelationship;Partnerships
Couples’counselors
Cruising
flirtingvs.
genderrolesand,1.1,c01.1
atgroupsexparties
strategies
SeealsoFlirting
Crushes
Culturaldiversity
Curiosity
D
Denial
Disability
Disease.SeeSexuallytransmittedinfections(STIs)
Divorce,1.1,1.2,135.SeealsoBreakups
Drugs,1.1,1.2
Dumping
E
Ecosex
Emotions.SeeFeelings
Ethicalsluts
beliefsof
described
inlovewithmonogamists
manifestoof
newgenerationof
single
skillsof
utopianvisionfor
Exercises.SeelistintheTableofContentsonthispage
F
Faithfulness
Family
chosen
friendsas
newformsof
nuclear
oforigin,1.1,1.2
traditional,1.1,1.2
SeealsoChildren;Community/extendedfamily
Fantasy
Fear,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4,1.5
Feelings
avoiding,1.1,1.2
dumpingvs.sharing
exercises
honestyabout,c01.1,c01.2
others’,1.1,1.2
owningyour,1.1,1.2,c01.1,1.1
projecting,1.1,1.2
triggering
SeealsoJealousy;specificemotions
Feminism,1.1,1.2,1.3
Fidelity.SeeFaithfulness;Polyfidelity
Fighting.SeeConflict
Flirting
artof
cruisingvs.
genderrolesand,1.1,c01.1
SeealsoCruising
Fluidbonding/fluidmonogamy
Friends
withbenefits,1.1,1.2
breakupsand
exesas,1.1,1.2,c01.1
aslovers,1.1,1.2
partner’sloversas,1.1,1.2
assupport,1.1,1.2,1.3
Fuckbuddies
G
Gaymarriage.SeeSame-sexmarriage
Gaymen
activismandcommunalidealsof
cruisingand,1.1,1.2
sluthoodand
Genderfluidity,1.1,c01.1
Genderqueerpeople
Genderroles,c01.1,1.1,1.2,c01.1,1.1
Gossip,1.1,1.2
Grief,1.1,1.2
Groups
challengesfor
commitmentin
cruisingas
multihouse
atsexparties
Groupsex
buttonsandbiasesand
consent,establishing
couplesand
embarrassmentand
environmentsfor,1.1,c01.1
etiquettefor
expectationsfor
genderdifferencesand
public,1.1,1.2
forsinglesluts
true-lifestoryof
Guilt
H
Herpes,1.1,1.2
Heterosexuals
cruisingand
sluthoodand,1.1,c01.1
HierarchyofHardexercise
HIV/AIDS,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4,c01.1,1.1,1.2,1.3
Honesty
emotional,1.1,1.2
importanceof,1.1,c01.1,c01.2
aboutintentions
Horizontalhostility
Hypersensitivity
I
I-messages
Inadequacy,feelingsof
Infections.SeeSexuallytransmittedinfections(STIs)
Internet
breakupsand
connectingwithotherson,c01.1,c01.2
asinformationresource,1.1,1.2
Intersectionality
Intersex
Intimacy
adventurousnessand
avoiding,1.1,1.2
deepening,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4,1.5,1.6
mythsabout
J
Jealousy
babyingyourself
blameand
described
disempowering
exercises,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4
feeling/releasing
growingbeyond
lovewithout,1.1,c01.1
monogamyand
mythsabout
inothers
owningfeelingsof,1.1,1.2,c01.1
samplestoriesof,c01.1,1.1,c01.1
singleslutsand
talkingabout
toughingout
unlearning
Jellymoments
Journalwriting,1.1,1.2
Judgments,1.1,1.2
K
Kerista
Kink,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4,1.5,1.6
Kinsey,Alfred,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4,1.5
KinseyInstitute
L
Language,sex-positive
Leatherculture,1.1,1.2
Legalagreements
Lesbianwomen
cruisingand,1.1,1.2
sluthoodand
Letters,writing
Lifepartners,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4
Limerence
Limits
fearsand
physical
real-world,1.1,1.2
righttohave
setting
stretching
SeealsoBoundaries;“No,”saying
Listening,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4
Loneliness
Loss
Love
beliefsabout
clean,1.1,1.2
courageand
crushes
fallingin,1.1,c01.1,1.1
fearoflosing
mythsabout
romantic,1.1,1.2
self-
Lubricants
M
Marriage,1.1,1.2,1.3
Marston,Elizabeth“Sadie”Holloway
Marston,WilliamMoulton
Masturbation
withacondom
forlearninggoodsex
shameand,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4
McMillan,Clara
Meetups,1.1,1.2,1.3
Men
cruisingand
orgasmingwithoutejaculation
saying“yes”and“no,”54,1.1,c01.1
SeealsoGenderroles
Metamours
MetropolitanCommunityChurch
Mistakes,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4
Monogamish
Monogamy
benefitsof
choosing
fluid
futureof
jealousyin
mythsabout
serial,1.1,1.2
Munches,1.1,1.2
N
Needs
communicating,1.1,1.2
gettingmet,1.1,c01.1
forreassurance,1.1,1.2,1.3
Nestingpartners
NewRelationshipEnergy(NRE)
Nonbinarypeople
flirtingandcruisingby,1.1,1.2
sluthoodand
Nondemandpleasuring
“No,”saying
freedomof
genderrolesand,c01.1,1.1,1.2,1.3
importanceof
singleslutsand
Noyes,JohnHumphrey
Nudity
Nurturingyourself
O
Oneidacommunity,1.1,1.2,c01.1
One-nightstands,1.1,1.2
Openinganexistingrelationship
agreementsabout
attitudestoward
cheatingand
exercises,1.1,1.2,1.3
firststepstoward
vetopowerand
Openrelationships
choosing
commitmentin,1.1,1.2
couplesin
scriptfor
Oralsex,1.1,1.2
OrderofPerpetualIndulgence
Orgasms
benefitsof
withoutejaculation
rushingtoward
simultaneous
spiritual
Orgies.SeeGroupsex
Ownership,1.1,1.2
Owningyourfeelings,1.1,1.2,c01.1,1.1
P
Pansexuals,1.1,1.2
Partnerships
benefitsof
formsof
multihouse
natureof
SeealsoLifepartners;Nestingpartners
Pathologizing,1.1,1.2
Perry,Troy
Personalads
Planning,importanceof,1.1,1.2
Platonicrelationships
Pleasure
scheduling
worthinessof
Polyamory(“poly”)
culturaldiversityand
defining,1.1,c01.1
etymologyof
hierarchicalterminologyand
increasingvisibilityof,1.1,1.2
searchtermsfor
SeealsoOpenrelationships
Polycules,1.1,1.2
Polyfidelity
Possessions
Predictability
Pregnancy,unwanted,1.1,c01.1
PrEP,1.1,1.2
Primaryrelationships
described
multiple
reinforcingprimacyof
Projection,1.1,1.2
Publicsex,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4
Q
Queerness
R
RadicalFaeries
Rajneeshpuram
Reassurance,1.1,1.2,1.3
Relationshipanarchy
Relationshipescalator
Relationships
abusive,1.1,1.2
boundariesin
desiredtypeof
longevityof
platonic
primary,1.1,1.2,1.3
purposeandgoalof
role-constrained
variedpossibilitiesfor,c01.1,1.1
SeealsoCouples;Groups;Openinganexistingrelationship;Open
relationships;Partnerships
Renslow,Chuck,1.1,1.2
Respect,1.1,1.2
Revengefucking
Roles
boundariesfor
constrained
gender,1.1,1.2,1.3,c01.1,1.1
Romance,c01.1,1.1
S
Safersex
barriersand
birthcontroland,1.1,1.2
committingto
denialand,1.1,c01.1
drugsand
fluidbonding
gaymenand
herpesand
high-riskbehaviors,avoiding
HIV/AIDSand,1.1,1.2,c01.1,1.1,1.2
overviewof
PrEPand,1.1,1.2
singleslutsand
talkingabout
testingand
Same-sexmarriage
Sarria,José,1.1,1.2
Scoring
Self-esteem
Self-knowledge
Self-love
Serialmonogamy,1.1,1.2
Sex
abundanceand,1.1,1.2,con.1
afterglow
ageanddisabilityand
anal,1.1,1.2,1.3
bodyimageand
cleanloveand
conditionsfor
defining
disinformationabout
exercises,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4,1.5
expandingoptionsfor
genderrolesin
goal-oriented
good,learningtohave
loud
mythsabout
negativityabout,1.1,c01.1,1.1,c01.1
obstaclesto
oral,1.1,1.2
possibilitiesof,c01.1,1.1
purposeandgoalof
rationalizing
withoutareason
resistanceto
rethinking
scheduling
slowingdown
spiritual
talkingabout,c01.1,1.1,1.2,1.3,c01.1
turn-on,1.1,1.2
unprotected
SeealsoGroupsex;Masturbation;Publicsex;Safersex
Sexaddiction
Sexeducation
Sexualabuse
Sexualassault,1.1,1.2
Sexualdysfunction
Sexuallytransmittedinfections(STIs),c01.1,1.1
Sexwork,1.1,1.2,1.3
Shame,1.1,1.2,1.3,1.4
Singlesluts
benefitsofbeing,c01.1,c01.2
culturalattitudetoward,1.1,1.2,1.3
ethicsfor
groupsexand
jealousyand
lonelinessand
aslovertoacouple
needsof
aspartnertoapartner
inrole-constrainedrelationships
singleswith
supportnetworkfor
Slowingdown
Sluts
asadventurers
benefitsofbeing
comingoutas
culturalattitudetoward,1.1,1.2
defining
exercise
historyof
hostilitytoward
judgmentsabout
mythsabout
reclaimingtheword,1.1,c01.1
stylesof
unethical
SeealsoEthicalsluts;Singlesluts
Splitting
Starvationeconomies,1.1,1.2,1.3
STIs(sexuallytransmittedinfections),c01.1,1.1
Swinging
T
Tantra,1.1,1.2,1.3
Testing
Time-outs
Toys,sex,1.1,c01.1
Transpeople
flirtingandcruisingby,1.1,1.2
sluthoodand
Traumasurvivors
Triads
Tribes
Triggers,emotional
Turn-on,1.1,1.2
Twenty-MinuteFight
“Tyrannyofhydraulics,”79
V
Validation,1.1,1.2
Vetopower
Vibrators
Violations,c01.1,c01.2
W
Wife-swapping
Wills
Win-winsolutions,c01.1,1.1