NLP NLP: The Essential Guide To Neuro Linguistic Programming Comprehensive

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CONTENTS

Foreword: Trial by Fire: My Personal Introduction to NLP
Authors’ Note and Appreciation
Introduction: What You’ll Get Out of This Book
What Is NLP?
Two Important NLP Principles of Human Nature
What Is an NLP “Power User”?
Section 1: It’s All About You
Chapter 1: Understanding How You Think
What’s going on in there?
A Taste of NLP: A Firsthand Experience
Discovery Activity: Accessing Personal Resources
You First: Understanding How You Work
“Ouch” or “Yahoo”: How We Create Our Feelings
Autopilot: The Mind’s Three Favorite Options
A Well-Oiled Machine: Body, Brain, and Mind
Different Planets: The Worlds Inside Our Minds
Discovery Activity: Discovering Your Inner World
Not Just Basic Cable: “Representational Modalities”
Mental Sticky Notes: The Power of “Anchors”
Discovery Activity: Creating a Personal Anchor
Anchors at Work: Intentional and Unintentional Anchors
So What? How You Can Use This Information
An Easy Ride: How This Book Is Structured
Chapter 2: Managing Your Mind
Who’s driving the bus?
Where Do You Want to Go? Outcome Frames
Discovery Activity: Creating a Well-Formed Outcome
Being of Two Minds: Congruence/Incongruence

Discovery Activity: Recognizing Incongruence
Are You In or Out? Being Associated or Disassociated
Subtle Distinctions That Matter: Sub-Modalities
Discovery Activity: Tinkering with Visual Distinctions
What’s Your Day Going to Be Like? Sub-Modalities and Your Emotional State
The Way You Do the Things You Do: Understanding Motivation
Discovery Activity: Exploring Roots of Procrastination
That Damn Report: An Example of Procrastination
Two for the Road: Tips for Uncovering the Roots of Procrastination
Discovery Activity: Reducing Internal Resistance
Been Down Too Long? The Power of Inner Voices and the “Auditory Swish”
Discovery Activity: Removing Negative Auditory Cues
Emotions as Passengers, Not Drivers: Choosing and Changing Your State
Depression: Auditory Cues That Hold the Story
Shaping Your Experience: The Habit of Fine-Tuning Sub-Modalities
Chapter 3: Living in “The Zone”
Whoa, is my brake on?
High or Low? How Expectations Impact Performance
Discovery Activity: Exploring Your Expectations
In the Mind’s Eye: The Power of Mental Rehearsal
In Sync: The Link Between Physiology and Energy
Roadblock Removal: “Eye Movement Integration”
Discovery Activity: Decreasing Resistance or Trauma
Not Just Pollyanna: How Energy, Enthusiasm, and Optimism Act as Drivers
Discovery Activity: Understanding Your Motivation
Discovery Activity: Amping Up Your Confidence
Mission Critical: Motivation Tips from Navy SEALs Training
Messing with Hecklers: How to Silence Critical Inner Voices
More Than Maintenance: How to Increase Energy and Productivity
Discovery Activity: Strengthening Your Anchor
Chapter 4: Upgrading Your Self-Concept
How’d things get this way?
Life Vest First: How to Prevent and Reduce Stress
A Look in the Mirror: Who You Are Today and How You Got to Be This Way
Clues to Beliefs: The Deep Structure of Language and the Meta Model
Like That: How Our Language and Behavior Reveal Individual Preferences (Meta-Programs
and Predicates)

Today’s You and the Desired You: The Impact of Self-Concept
Discovery Activity: Identifying Something You Like About Yourself
Discovery Activity: Adding Elements to Your Self-Concept
The Archaeological Dig: An Example of Self-Concept Work
Ripple Effects: How One Change Often Creates More Change
Section 2: It’s All About Relationship
Chapter 5: Making Comfortable Connections
How come we don’t connect?
Internal Systems: How You Work Is Similar to How Others Work
Inside Out: How to Adjust Your Inner World to Be Better Company
Discovery Activity: Identifying Ways That You’re Good Company
Friction on the Line? How the Three Parts of Your Brain Work Together
Instant Processing: What Your Filters Process First
Discovery Activity: Identifying Ways Other People Are Good Company
An Inside Job: How to Help Other People Feel Safe
Not Just Imitation: How Mirroring and Matching Help You Make Connections
A Focus on Them, Not You: How to Create a Sense of Being Felt
More Choice Is Better: How Being Versatile Helps You Connect
The Bird’s-Eye View: A High-Level Summary
Chapter 6: More Than “Mind Reading” Other People
What’s going on inside them for that to be true?
A $500,000 Example: Communication in All Three Channels
Powerful Telegraphing: What Your Nonverbals Communicate
Traffic Signals: How Other People’s Nonverbals Provide Direction
Discovery Activity: Recalling Nonverbals of a Positive Experience
Discovery Activity: Identifying Nonverbals from an Uncomfortable Situation
Galaxies Away: Why It’s Important to Step into Another’s World
The Grand Canyon: How Missing Details Create Gaps in Understanding
Zooming In and Out: Tips to Understanding Someone Else’s World
Detective Mode: How Questions Fill in Gaps and Facilitate Understanding
Different Journeys: How Beliefs Distinguish Our Inner Worlds
Discovery Activity: Identifying Your Beliefs
Discovery Activity: Exploring a Personal Belief
Wants and Needs: How Exploring Beliefs Uncovers Motivations and Meta-Outcomes
Beyond Belief: How Language Reveals Other Personal Preferences
A New Approach: How to Apply Your Understanding of Nonverbal Behavior, Beliefs, and

Personal Preferences to Interactions with Others
Discovery Activity: Exploring Someone’s Inner World
Chapter 7: Making Your Point Easily
How can I help people understand what I mean?
Chronicle: High Points of the Journey So Far
Physical Connection: How Touch Enhances Connections and Impact
Oxygen Mask First: How Managing Your Inner State Keeps the Focus on Others
Rules of the Road: Quick Tips to Navigate Uncharted Territory
The Local Language: How to Communicate According to Someone Else’s Preferences
Discovery Activity: Using Predicates of Preferred Channels
A New View: How the Process of Reframing Expands Possibilities
Super-Glue Removal: How to Loosen and “Unstick” Beliefs
It’s Kind of Like That: How Metaphors and Stories Support Shifts
A Book and Its Cover: How Appearance and Environment Are Clues to Other Worlds
Toxic Relationships: How Difficult People Tax Your Personal Resources
Connecting the Dots: Linking Key Concepts and Skills to Opportunities
Discovery Activity: Applying Your Discoveries About Someone Else’s World
Chapter 8: Creatively Collaborating and Resolving Conflicts
How do we get from here to there?
An Embarrassing Example
Moving in the Same Direction: Effective Collaboration Using the Well-Formed Outcome Model
Creativity: How Imagination Expands Possibilities
Expert Advice: The Disney Creativity Strategy
Innovation: How to Use the Disney Strategy with Groups
Discovery Activity: Applying the Disney Strategy to One of Your Opportunities
Up Against the Wall: How the “Conflict Integration Process” Supports Creative Problem
Solving
Discovery Activity: Identifying One of Your Conflicts
Internal Battles: How to Apply the “Conflict Integration Process” to Inner Conflicts
Discovery Activity: Applying the “Conflict Integration Process” to One of Your Opportunities
Discovery Activity: Examining Ways You Get Stuck or Make Things Harder
Different Strategies? What “Conflict Integration” and Negotiation Have in Common
Powerful Emotions: How to Facilitate Discussions with People Who Are Upset
The Unexpected Strategy: An Approach to Consider When You’re Upset
Chapter 9: Maintaining Your Momentum with NLP
What’s next?

Journey Highlights: What You Learned
Next Steps: Options for Additional Development
21-Day Guide: The Next Steps to Creating the Person You Want to Be
Afterword: A Lasting Legacy
Common NLP Terms
References
Acknowledgments
Index
About the Authors
Back Ad
Praise
Copyright
About the Publisher

TRIAL BY F IRE: M Y P ERSONAL INTRODUCTION TO NLP
Tracy Hoobyar

NLP has been a part of my life since the mid-1990s. My father began studying NLP to learn more
about himself and those around him. Because my dad was the son of a preacher, anything he learned,
we all learned!
As time went on and I listened to Dad tell me what he had learned, it all sounded interesting, but, after
all, it was Dad’s thing. I was busy with a toddler and didn’t have time to worry too much about it.
In early 2002, things changed drastically for me. My then eleven-year-old daughter was hospitalized
at Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital, at Stanford University, for anorexia. Her heart had been
affected and was weak, her bones were brittle, and we were given a very bleak prognosis. After three
weeks and more than sixty thousand dollars’ worth of care, they wanted to admit her to a residential
psychiatric hospital out of state. We would get to visit her occasionally. We were told there were no
other options—she wouldn’t survive if we didn’t follow their suggestions.
Against medical advice, we decided to check her out of the hospital. As you might imagine, the
primary doctor was not impressed. He invited my entire family to find other care in the future, and
wished us well. Outpatient services were unsatisfactory. Counseling was not productive. It really
began to look like this was going to be as bad as they told us.
Unwilling to accept that, I talked to Dad about changing her prognosis. After a lot of hours, Dad and I
devised a plan to help my daughter—to defy all the rules and statistics—and help her get better. Our
plan? Use everything he knew from NLP, everything I knew about psychology, and work with her to
help her recover. While we used a combination of techniques, the most effective, and the quickest,
tools came from the NLP world.
We worked with my daughter to understand, and accept, the part of her that was struggling for control
by restricting her food intake. With her, we explored what she was thinking and feeling. We “played”
with different techniques until we found what worked.
We went to her doctor three times a week at first, then twice, and then only once a week. He
monitored my daughter for the typical challenges anorexic kids encounter upon release from the
hospital. He checked her vitals and urine tests, and evaluated her for improvement.
She was never hospitalized again, gained weight steadily, and worked through her “demons” with the
support of NLP and those who loved her. The doctors thought we were crazy when my daughter
would talk about how she pictured anorexia, how she was able to make changes in her relationship
with this disease and with food by playing with the size and color of the picture—and other things that

sounded equally odd to those trained traditionally.
It was not an easy road back, but it was well worth traveling.
Today, my daughter has spent more than ten years in recovery. I’m convinced that without NLP, we
would have lost her. With my newfound belief in the power of NLP, Dad and I worked harder than
ever at real-world, practical applications. We found ways to help kids dealing with abusive histories,
elderly people dealing with chronic pain, and businesspeople dealing with day-to-day issues.
Our dream was always to put together a program to help real people deal with real problems. Dad
had such an amazing way of presenting information. He would use stories to help people understand
what he wanted them to learn. His genuine compassion for others, and desire to help them live better
lives, guided his actions and writings.
What you hold in this book is the realization of the dream we shared. He spent countless hours in
trainings, reading books, working with the experts, testing theories, and applying techniques to
everyday challenges. He researched NLP and its applications in more detail than most people could
ever imagine.
The amazing thing is that you’re going to benefit from all of that. He literally helped hundreds of
people overcome their challenges; here, he shares the tools he used to do that. Whether the struggle
you’re concerned with is a fear of public speaking, dealing with the hurdles of major life changes,
living with chronic pain, or some other issue, Dad has used NLP to positively impact something like
it—and he is going to show you how to do the same.
This book will show you how to use NLP to become the person you want to be. You will learn the
skills and tools to reduce stress, manage your thoughts and feelings, improve your communications
with anyone in your life, and live the life you want to live.
You will hear stories that will enlighten you about your own stories. You may even discover
something you didn’t know about yourself. I know I did. Here’s what I can tell you. NLP offers many
powerful tools to change your life—tools that can also change the lives of those around you, if they’re
open to that.
This book takes years of information and presents it all in a friendly, simple-to-read format that is
easy to understand, learn from, and implement. Every once in a while, you find a book that really
speaks to you, that is just the right “teacher” at the just the right time. I think author and speaker
Garrison Keillor said it best: “A book is a gift you can open again and again.” I’m very happy and
proud to share this special gift from my father with you.

AUTHORS’ NOTE AND APPRECIATION

Tom Hoobyar was an avid learner and adventurous explorer who embraced life’s mysteries and
questions. He was the originator of six patents and the majority of his forty-five years in business
exposed him to diverse issues in small businesses, Fortune 500 firms, as well as twelve start-ups that
grew to be number one in their industries.
While he was CEO of a Silicon Valley manufacturing company, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)
became a vital tool that enhanced his leadership skills and his company’s success. He later used NLP
as the foundation for his writing and coaching practice, which enabled him to touch and change the
lives of hundreds of people.
While compiling his secrets of success for this book, Tom died from pancreatic cancer. Tom dreamed
that his message would live on long after him, and asked us to transform his notes and transcripts from
his teachings into this book. To honor the confidentiality he promised clients, we’ve changed the
names and situations of the people in his stories.
Tom’s wide-ranging background and rich life experience enabled him to bring a special perspective
and approach to NLP, which makes his insights and message more useful outside the training room or
coaching session. We’ve done our best to preserve how easily accessible he made NLP to others.
Because Tom Hoobyar had a unique gift for communicating and making complex subjects fun and easy
to understand, this essential guide is written in the present tense—enabling you to have an engaging
conversation with him that can change your life.
Many people contributed to making this book possible. With this in mind, we’d like to especially
thank:
•

Robert McDonald, whose precise and heartfelt teaching style inspired Tom Dotz to train
with NLP Comprehensive and then found NLP California, where Tom Hoobyar and Susan
Sanders were likewise inspired with the possibilities NLP made real.

•

Steve and Connirae Andreas for their creativity in developing new processes, their
generous spirit of teaching, and their leadership in the NLP community. Without them, Tom
Hoobyar and the two of us would not have met or shared our journeys of learning NLP.

•

The NLP Comprehensive Training Team for continually bringing NLP concepts, skills, and
processes to life for thousands of students—in particular, Charles Faulkner and Steve
Andreas, who were the chief editors on NLP Comprehensive’s first book, NLP: The New
Technology of Achievement.

•

Adam Korn and Trish Daly at HarperCollins for embracing this project and shepherding it
through to completion.

INTRODUCTION

What You’ll Get Out of This Book

There are hundreds of potential turning points in each person’s life—and this book will be an
important one in yours. How’s that possible?
Here’s how. You’ll discover HOW your one-of-a-kind, never-to-be-duplicated special mind actually
works. You’ll find out how you were able to use your brain before you could even say a word. Even
better, you’ll be able to “get under the hood” of your own thoughts and adjust them to fit your current
needs. Since most of our beliefs and values were created when we were children, this is a good thing.
Some of those patterns might benefit from a little updating, don’t you think?
In this book, you’ll get specific processes for updating these old patterns and creating new ones.
You’ll explore simple, solid solutions to issues including anxieties, procrastination, and motivation.
You’ll learn and practice powerful strategies for immediate, lasting results in areas like selfconfidence.
These may seem like pretty big promises, and yet the possibilities are not overstated. The basis for
this is NLP, or Neuro-Linguistic Programming. It’s a funny name for an essential function of life:
understanding and managing your own mind. NLP is famous for its fast fixes for phobias and longheld fears and anxieties—and much more.
Like many great ideas, the concepts of NLP have been embraced by many leaders in their fields—
now, several decades since its inception, echoes of NLP appear in all kinds of books, training
courses, coaching, and motivational speeches. As you go through this book and learn more about NLP,
you’ll find yourself recognizing the many places and people who have adopted it as part of their
work.
This essential guide provides you with multiple ways to create and maintain motivation to keep you
moving forward toward your goals. You’ll also learn two tremendously important processes for
selecting and validating your goals. That alone is worth the price of admission. When you truly know
what you want, and that what you want is worth having, you’ll find all your internal resources
aligning. You’ll find the friction, distractions, and hesitations melting away. You’ll learn what NLP
calls internal congruence, and that gives you a strong running start.
You’ll discover new ways of relating to and understanding other people that will make getting
cooperation and giving direction easier and more satisfying than ever before. And I’m speaking as a
guy who used to have real issues with shyness and public speaking.

You see, I know firsthand what a difference using NLP has made in my own life. Using its concepts
and techniques can have powerful and long-lasting effects. I have trained hundreds of people in NLP
concepts and techniques—and have seen people make remarkable changes in their lives.
You’ll also get a new understanding of other people because you’ll have a better idea about what’s
going on inside them. For the most part, many people don’t know how they work inside. They really
are unable to tell you what makes them think a particular thought, or do what they do. You’ll learn
about other people’s inner workings by simply observing behaviors and noticing the right key signals.
Having this awareness also helps you to be a little more approachable, a little more “simpatico,” and
a little smoother when you’re communicating. Of course, the reward here is the power of influence.
The knowledge you’ll gain about how people work gives you real persuasive power.
Your relationships will improve across the board because you will become more understanding, and
more understood. That combination makes you an easier person to be around. Frankly, it makes you
more attractive.
You’ll find your performance at work improving. Mine certainly did. I became a better team player.
And, even though I was the boss, I became much more approachable to my employees. You’ll become
healthier, too, because you’ll be better able to manage your motivations to exercise, to eat well, and
to reduce or do away with some of your poor health habits.
The bottom line is that by reading this book and doing the recommended activities, you’ll develop the
skills to become better at just about everything you do. You’ll gain powerful tools to be able to
overcome whatever you believe is your number-one problem.
If I were you, I might be thinking, “Why should I trust this guy—and invest my time exploring these
ideas?” Here’s why. For most of my career, I’ve made my living as an inventor, engineer, and
entrepreneur, and after NLP training, as a consultant to people dealing with personal and professional
performance issues.
I know what’s proved most useful to me over the last fifteen years and that’s what I’m going to share
with you. This book is not simply an encyclopedia of NLP. Instead, this is an interactive user guide
that puts the power of NLP at your fingertips right now. I am, first and foremost, an NLP user. It’s
how I navigate life.
Let me start with how NLP really got my attention. It’s the story of how, after thirty-six years, I found
a way to stop smoking. I had been trying to quit for eighteen of those thirty-six years. Nothing worked
for me. I tried hypnosis, putting money in a jar every time I would break down and have a smoke,
telling all my friends and family that I quit, drinking myself to sleep for one stretch of six nonsmoking
months. Nothing worked. Every time I “quit,” I would find an excuse to start smoking again. Once I
even used my dad’s death as an excuse to stop on the way to his house to buy a pack of cigarettes.
“Emergency,” I told myself. “I’ll quit again when I get through this.”
Yeah, right. And I felt like an idiot. Here I was in charge of a start-up firm, and I was the only smoker

in the company. Out of consideration for our employees, I had declared our offices a nonsmoking
zone. So I would be alone, standing outside in all kinds of weather pounding down a quick cigarette
before meeting with my staff, stinking like an ashtray and knowing that I was broadcasting my
weakness. Then, one day, I saw an NLP process in a book. I thought I might as well try it.
That was more than twenty years ago and I haven’t lit a cigarette since. A few years later, when the
company was on solid footing and I had a little breathing space, I started taking NLP training. Wow.
I had spent my entire adult life figuring out processes and technologies, but this new discipline blew
those strategies away. As my questions about human nature (and my own inner workings) were
answered for me, I realized that I had stumbled on to the coolest technology yet—the technology of
human behavior.

What Is NLP?
NLP is a revolutionary study of the PROCESS of human thought. In other words, it’s the study of
what’s actually going on when we think. I don’t mean the physical or electrochemical reactions, but
what we would notice if we looked at the step-by-step activity of thinking.
The interesting thing about the mind is that if you take a brain and cut it open, you can’t find the mind.
You can’t find a poem or the taste of chocolate or the feeling of a first kiss or the music from the prom
dance. All you find is a bunch of nerve tissue. The nerve tissue in your brain acts as a substrate. It’s
almost like your computer. It acts like your hard drive or your motherboard, and basically it’s
designed to store various bits of data and to assemble, reassemble, and rearrange them and call them
up whenever you want.
NLP is an understanding—not of the brain—but of how the mind, using the brain, expresses itself in
your life and creates what you call your experience.
Right now, for instance, you’re reading these words. But these words by themselves are not your
experience. Your experience is these words blended with what else you’re seeing around you at the
moment, where you’re sitting, and how your body is feeling. Part of your experience right now is
composed of the things you’re saying to yourself, like, “Geez, I wish he’d say more about that point,”
or “That’s interesting,” or “I don’t know if that’s true or not,” or “Am I really going to get my money’s
worth out of all this time I’m spending?”
The comments you make as you go on, coupled with your visual and your physical sensations as you
read, blended with my words—all of that combined becomes your experience. Now, how does your
brain do all that? Before I answer that, let me give you a little background information about NLP.
NLP started at the University of California, Santa Cruz in the early 1970s and has grown rapidly since
then. NLP differs from psychology because its philosophy and techniques are derived from a
specialized form of studying people called “Modeling.” NLP researchers interviewed and observed

people doing many activities—and then shared the huge body of knowledge they accumulated about
how people think when they’re falling in love, grieving a personal loss, shooting a gun, flying a plane,
learning a language, or falling asleep. Thousands of people have been studied over the years, and
much has been learned about how we think, and how we can adjust our own internal thought
processes.
NLP popularized the “Visual, Auditory, and Kinesthetic” learning styles in addition to many new
technologies utilized in education, psychotherapy, and communication. It’s used in business for
interviewing, hiring, training, management, and sales. Entertainment and business professionals, as
well as athletes and coaches in amateur, professional, and Olympic sports, use NLP coaching to
improve performance.
In the beginning, I studied NLP because I wanted help inventing products and being a better CEO of
the high-tech company that I had founded, and I got it!
Every day I was managing people, making phone calls, negotiating with vendors and customers in the
business world. NLP really influenced my view of my employees. Even though I could see that some
of them could probably resolve some issues and be happier (not to mention, be better employees), I
wasn’t licensed to be their therapist. I was their boss.
Even though I was getting very excited by the things I was learning about human nature, I couldn’t
really talk much about my discoveries. I certainly couldn’t ask other people, “What pictures are you
making in your head right now?” or “Are you hearing a voice?” It wasn’t safe to try that and it
certainly wouldn’t have been very effective.
So I decided to use this growing knowledge for my own personal development, and allow it to change
my language and my gestures to get results for me first. Then I discovered how this also allowed me
to get results with other people. You see, the funny thing was that when I changed, the people around
me changed, too.
It actually turned out remarkably well—and that’s what I want to share with you. My goal with this
book is for you to learn about the operating principles of NLP, about how you think and how others
think. You’ll be able to manage your life more easily, and to dramatically improve your
communications with other people.
What I didn’t know back then was that there would be so many additional benefits from using NLP
skills. NLP has helped me be a better husband, father, and grandfather. It’s helped me be happier,
easier to get along with, a better family member, and more productive in my professional work.
Since retiring from manufacturing, I’ve worked with clients as a consultant and coach. NLP has
helped me to share my skills and experience with thousands of people in many walks of life and in
many situations.
I’m an NLP Master Practitioner and Training Coach. I have a lot of other certifications for NLP and
related training because I found the field so fascinating. In my home library, there are hundreds of

books on the subject. I’m also the founder of the international NLP alumni group, the NLP Café. In this
book, I’ve distilled the best of everything I’ve learned from NLP—which is a lot! You don’t have to
be as focused on NLP as I am to reap many benefits from this information. You’re sure to find a payoff
within your first hour.

Two Important NLP Principles of Human Nature
NLP researchers originally studied therapists who were famous for getting almost miraculous results
with their clients. One of the psychotherapists initially studied was Fritz Perls, who developed “behere-now” Gestalt therapy. He was a genius at reading body language and at getting immediate
changes. His unique approach was the direct opposite of psychoanalysis, which requires years of
therapy and self-study to develop an understanding of how one came to be who they are.
The second therapist was Virginia Satir, the brilliant developer of family therapy. Instead of working
with just the one person in the family who was disruptive or troubled, she dealt with the entire family.
She felt that each person and their behavior were part of the family dynamic. She found that if she
addressed only the one person, they’d go back to the family structure and get a little crazy again, so
she worked with the entire family.
The third person they studied was Milton Erickson, a medical doctor who was the primary developer
of clinical hypnotherapy. A genius, with a completely different approach to therapy from Perls and
Satir, Erickson also produced results that appeared to be magic. The fourth subject of initial study
was a man named Moshe Feldenkrais, a body worker who did brilliant healing work with his hands.
NLP’s underlying operating principles, called “Presuppositions,” reflect the underlying unifying
beliefs of these key individuals who were studied to discover what was most effective—and these
became the operating principles of NLP.
The interesting thing about these distinctively different leaders was that their deep beliefs about
human nature were pretty much the same. Two of the beliefs I want to emphasize for you are important
because they flow through everything we do—and they contradict a lot of what most of us have been
taught.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN INNER ENEMY.
One belief is “There is no such thing as an inner enemy.” There’s no monster within. You’re not
broken. You can really let go of old beliefs like this.
When people do things that are not good for them—and it doesn’t matter whether it’s biting their
fingernails or committing serial murders—they are doing what they are doing because some part of
them thinks it’s essential. A part of them believes that it’s necessary for survival, for their well-being.

While some behaviors may not be sane, healthy, or anything most people would condone, it’s
important to understand that in that individual’s worldview, in their mind, that behavior is absolutely
necessary.

BEHIND EVERY BEHAVIOR IS A POSITIVE INTENTION.
So suppose you have an issue—let’s say there’s a certain person you just can’t confront. Every time
you see them, your knees turn to jelly and you start stuttering. Maybe it’s an attractive coworker,
somebody’s boss, your mother-in-law, your spouse, or maybe it’s one of your children. The thing is,
you’re not broken, and there’s nothing wrong. The reason you have such a reaction is that part of your
mind thinks that not confronting them is what’s essential for you to do to survive.
Maybe the behavior is intended to keep you safe. Maybe it’s to preserve your self-respect, or selflove. Maybe it’s to get “justice.” No matter how weird or inappropriate it may seem, for that person
there is an inner logic that makes perfect sense. It sounds a little crazy, doesn’t it? Why would this
“logic” be true? Well, in the example above, if we did a little looking, we might find that your mind
reached that conclusion when you were three or four years old.
Long ago, you might have had a difficult experience with someone who reminds you (in some way) of
the person in your present life. It doesn’t have to be obvious—it could be how they look, their tone of
voice, their role in your life, or just the way your unconscious sees them in relationship to you. When
we use NLP, we look inside the mind, to find out exactly what pattern is operating to produce that
response, and then we can alter it. By reading this book and putting the principles into practice, you’ll
be able to do this, too!
The two things I’d like you to hold in mind are that there is no such thing as an inner enemy and that
behind every behavior is a positive intention. Your mind—as well as everybody else’s mind—is
operating the best way it currently knows how. It may be wrong and it may need an adjustment, simply
because most brains decide how to operate when people are four or five years old.
But enough about NLP and me. Let’s talk about what’s ahead for you.

What Is an NLP “Power User”?
There are many reasons people study NLP. Some people are just curious about how human nature
operates. Others want to discover how they themselves think. Power Users want to use NLP in the
real world, where this skill set makes a tremendous difference for them.
There is a world of difference between “knowing how” and “being able.” My goal is to make you
able. I’ve known many NLP Trainers and Practitioners who were pioneers and Power Users in this
field. I’ve also studied the methods taught to hostage negotiators, Navy SEALs, and Army Rangers.

I’ve studied other skills that I’ve found useful in life, such as the self-management skills of
entrepreneurs, actors, and therapists. I’ve adapted the best of these here for your use.
NLP is more important today than ever before. Here’s why. In our world of ever-evolving
technology, we are constantly connecting—with people we work with, people we love, people who
have information and/or access to others. We’re so busy responding, we hardly have time to think. So
in the following pages, I’m going to guide you through dozens of “Discovery Activities,” where you
will be able to explore your personal thinking patterns—and learn how to manage and change them if
you wish. You’ll also learn about whole new ways of dealing with other people and understanding
how they are thinking and feeling.
Ready? Curious? I hope so—this oughta be fun.

Section One: It’s All About You

CHAPTER ONE: UNDERSTANDING HOW YOU THINK

What’s going on in there?

Life consists of what a man is thinking of all day.
—Ralph Waldo Emerson

You know what you think, right? We all do. You’re thinking about what you like or don’t like, and
what you want or don’t want. You also probably think of what you wish you wanted less of, like
gorging on chocolate ice cream, TV, Web-surfing, shopping, drinking, or working.
In fact, when anyone talks about thinking, they talk about what they’re thinking about. They don’t talk
about how we go about thinking those thoughts. What you’ll learn from this book is how you go about
forming your thoughts, the effect that has on you and others, and how to change it to better suit you.
The understanding you’ll gain here is largely based on Neuro-Linguistic Programming, which is
commonly referred to as NLP. NLP is based on the theory that all human thinking occurs in pictures,
sounds, feelings, smells, and/or taste: the five senses. No one has yet ever effectively challenged this
theory by giving me an example of a thought that isn’t expressed in some combination of words,
pictures, smells, tastes, or feelings.
Can you do that? Right now, try having a thought that’s not an image, sound, feeling, smell, or taste.
Just kinda makes your brain stop for a minute, doesn’t it?
After you have a thought, you have a response. Maybe it’s a funny feeling, followed by a comment
like “This guy is nuts,” or some other internal dialogue, picture, or feeling.
All and each of us operate this way, and yet each of us is distinctively different in the exact thought
patterns we have created as a result of our sensory-based thinking. We all live inside our self-created
minds. Our unique reality is a result of our individual biology and the influence of our individual,
mostly random personal history. Understanding that we all live in and operate from a personal model
of reality is the key to making our lives better serve us.
By understanding this, you can truly understand yourself and other people, how you and they do the
sometimes strange and sometimes pleasing things people do. You can figure out how to give yourself
more of what you do want and less of what you don’t.
Most important, you’re going to find out how to assess what you really want and how to know that it’s
really right for you. In this book, you’ll be introduced to processes you can easily put to use right
away to give you relief from what you don’t want and more satisfaction with what you do.

An inner picture or sound can truly be a resource. Rather than just talk about how this is true, let’s
play with this concept by doing a process together. Having a little experience with this concept now
will give you an understanding of how valuable this book can be for you. The approach you’re going
to learn is especially useful anytime you want to have a greater sense of comfort and ease when you
are doing something you need to do.

A Taste of NLP: A Firsthand Experience
In this first activity, Accessing Personal Resources, I’m going to ask you to remember a time when
you had a strong sense of ease and flow in your work. Think of a vibrant memory, one that you will
enjoy reliving. Choose a time when everything just seemed to move easily and you were really able
to do what you wanted to accomplish. By vividly remembering that time, you’ll be drawing upon your
personal resources and past experience. Then I’ll show you how to create a special memory trigger,
so you can have that feeling again whenever you want or need to.
What could you accomplish if you could easily step into that sense of focus on your work, free from
distractions, so everything flowed smoothly and almost effortlessly? What other positive feelings
would you want to reexperience if you could simply transfer them from the time they actually
happened in your life to where you really want to have them again? The “Circle of Excellence”
process will do just that. This process is adapted from the popular book NLP: The New Technology
of Achievement.

Discovery Activity:
Accessing Personal Resources
Ready? Let other thoughts about the day move into the background as you focus on this activity. First
of all, this is a real contrast to the way you probably do most of your thinking. In these Discovery
Activities, the only way to go fast is to go slow, to start. You want to really s-l-o-w d-o-w-n your
thoughts as you follow the instructions, especially the first few times. This will make it much easier
and more successful for you as you do these processes. So take a breath, relax, give yourself some
time, and enjoy.
Now go back in your memory to a time in your work when you were really experiencing a sense of
excellence, a sense of easy flow, a sense of accomplishment. Relive that experience—seeing what
you saw, hearing what you heard, feeling what you felt.

As you feel that sense of flow building within you, imagine there’s a circle on the floor, like a
spotlight, right in front of your feet. Notice how it’s big enough that if you were to step into it right
now, your feet and your whole self would easily fit inside it. What color is the circle of light? If you
want to, you can change the color and make it more blue, golden, or even sparkly.
Listen carefully for a moment; is there a sound that goes with your circle? Maybe it has a soft, steady
hum that echoes the powerful energy of the moment. Maybe you hear a song or applause. What do you
notice?
As you recall this experience and imagine the colored circle and this sound, what feelings are you
aware of? Maybe you feel kind of tingly or your posture is more erect. Perhaps you have a feeling of
confidence or pride. What feelings do you notice now?
Once you’ve really relived that feeling of excellence, that feeling of ease and flow at its fullest, step
into that circle, bringing everything you see, hear, and feel into the circle.
In a moment, you’re going to step out of that circle and leave all those feelings inside it, knowing you
can come back to them whenever you want to. This is an unusual request, and you can do it. Do this
now, just step out of the circle, leaving all those mental pictures, sounds, and feelings inside it.
Now, as you are standing outside the circle, think of a specific time in your future when you want to
have that same feeling of excellence, that same focus, ease, and flow. Take a moment to see, hear, and
feel what might be happening in that upcoming situation—what happens just before you want to
reexperience your feelings of excellence. Perhaps you see your desk. Maybe you hear a voice
introducing you as the speaker at an event. Maybe you feel excitement about what’s going to happen.
Whatever comes up for you, just notice that now.
As these cues are coming up in your mind, step back into your circle and relive those feelings of
excellence, focus, easy flow. Notice, as you imagine that future situation unfolding, how these
feelings of flow and easy confidence are fully available to you—that you can easily access those
same powerful feelings of excellence, focus, and flow.
Now step out of the circle again, leaving those powerful feelings in the circle. Once you’re outside
the circle, take a moment and think about that upcoming event. You’ll find you automatically recall
those feelings of confidence and flow, that sense of ease. This means you’ve already reoriented
yourself for that upcoming event. You’re feeling better about it and it hasn’t even completely
happened yet. When it does arrive, you’ll find yourself naturally responding with more focus and
confidence—you’ll have that sense of easy flow.
Whenever I experiment with a new approach, I know the first time is likely to be less than perfect—
simply because I’ve never done it before. You know the old saying, “Anything worth doing, is worth
doing poorly to start”? That’s especially true when making personal changes. If, after doing the
activity, you were only partly successful, just do it again, paying close attention to each step, because
the sequence and timing are important.

When you apply NLP concepts and techniques, you’re taking the initiative. You are deciding for
yourself how you want to react to the events in your life. In this activity, you took the feelings of ease,
flow, and confidence from a past experience and attached them to a future situation that you might
have felt uneasy about. This is a process you can do for as many different future events as you want,
with as many different kinds of feelings as you want.
If you’ve ever experienced a resource, even if it was only for a second, that means you have access to
it forever! Using the “Circle of Excellence,” you can choose to use your resources any way you want
—whenever you want. In any situation, you can choose how you want to feel and how you want to
respond. You can choose to live your life on purpose, by choice. You really do have all the resources
you could want or need. Isn’t that great?

You First: Understanding How You Work
Now that you’ve had a little taste of NLP, I sincerely hope you’re hungry for more. So let’s get
started.
All humans have pretty much the same wiring in their central nervous systems. Because we’re born
with the same wiring, we learn many of the same things in the same way. We may all be concerned
with similar things, and yet we don’t all think the same way. In fact, each one of us thinks in a slightly
different way from any other human who has ever lived, or ever will live. Each of us is as unique as a
snowflake or a fingerprint.
In this chapter, you’ll learn how humans think, and you’ll learn how to discover your personal thought
processes. Most important, you’ll start learning how to change your thought processes to get you more
of what you do want in life. As you go through the first section of the book, you’ll learn how to apply
this knowledge to yourself. The second section focuses on how to use these understandings and
processes with others.
You might be wondering, “Why should I care how I think?” Here’s why. Most of us go through our
lives getting used to small discomforts, as well as emotional and mental limits. We say, “I’ve never
been good at numbers,” or “I just don’t have a green thumb.” These thoughts are no problem, unless
you have a reason to want to become good at numbers or at gardening.
But what if it’s more serious?
Suppose you’re just not able to handle necessary confrontations with a coworker or a family member.
Everyone needs to be able to set and protect his or her boundaries. That’s how we create our
personal feelings of safety and get other people to respect our choices.
What if you “just can’t get anything done on time.” Or you’re not able to keep your poise when
speaking in front of an audience. Or you’d like to change your health by stopping some old habits and
building better ones. Or some other behavior that you’d like to change, but haven’t succeeded at doing

so.
The thing is, we can all be more of who we want to be. But most of us just give up after a few
decades of life, and accept that “we are who we are and that we can’t change.” Not true!
It’s just that until recently, people didn’t have the right tools for personal change.
When you discover your personal thinking patterns, you can “get under the hood” of your vehicle and
change old unwanted habits. You can choose new ways to behave in situations that make you
uncomfortable. You will discover new skills and become easier to be around. Essentially, you will
become able to redesign yourself. Many of my coaching clients have done just that. So have I, and so
can you, if you want to.
You can change whatever you want to change. And, if you later decide the change isn’t desirable, you
can put things back the way they were, or choose a new way. So come along with me, and allow me
to guide you on an exploration of your personal thought processes.
Most of us experience our feelings like we experience weather. “Oh, I’m having a bad day . . . Oh,
so-and-so made me mad . . . Ah, I don’t know, I’m just off today . . . I just can’t get it.” It’s kind of
like being caught out in the rain without an umbrella, isn’t it? You’re at the mercy of whatever come
along, or you try to suck it up and be a good soldier. Maybe you tell yourself, “Don’t be a crybaby.
Push through anyway.” That’s the hard way; that’s like trying to open a door using the wrong end of
the key.
An easier way to do it would be to understand how those feelings were created in the first place. If
you’d like to know, I’ll tell you.

“Ouch” or “Yahoo”: How We Create Our Feelings
Here’s how feelings are created. The first thing that happens is that you get some kind of external
stimuli. For example, when you woke up this morning, the first thing you had was your inner
commentary. That was just you, right? But then, you began meeting the world—a whistling coffeepot,
a crying kid, a dog that needs to be let out, the newspaper in the front door, the TV on. Whatever your
world consists of, you had that stimulation coming into your brain.
As soon as sensory input comes into your brain, it’s interpreted. You assign a meaning to it. This is
really important because this happens so fast you aren’t even aware of it. The interesting thing is that
as soon as a meaning is assigned, you have an emotion. You create a feeling about it.
You might think, “It’s going to be a crappy day . . . There’s gonna be traffic . . . It’s smoggy . . . I hate
politics . . . The economy’s down . . . We ran out of coffee . . . Doesn’t anybody else take care of the
damn dog?” Sound familiar? Or, if you’re as lucky as I am to be happily married, it might even be
“Good morning, sweetie. What’s on your docket for the day?” Bottom line? There’s one thing or

another going on in your mind.
Whatever the stimulus is that’s coming in, you assign a meaning to it, you have an emotion, and it’s
those emotions that generate your reaction. That’s the way it happens for most people. As you begin
to understand that your emotions come from the meaning you make of some thought or some external
input, you can go back to that thought, “unpack it,” and change it. This is where the ability to slow
down your thoughts will actually allow you to think more effectively, and to choose better responses.

So, stimulus to meaning . . . meaning to emotion . . . emotion to action. This whole cycle happens in an
instant. It happens millions of times every day, and almost always without our awareness.
Remember, the tricky part is that we’re usually only aware of the first stimulus and then the emotion;
the meaning is typically out of our awareness.
Try on the following statements: “I feel great when I’m around you.” “He made me mad.” “That
customer ruined my whole day.” Despite how these emotions are stated, the real author of our feelings
is NOT that other person. The real author of our feelings is the meaning we make out of whatever
caught our attention.

Autopilot: The Mind’s Three Favorite Options
There’s another really important thing that happens in the mind: it does certain things automatically—
and without our awareness. It generalizes, deletes, and distorts information. Let’s explore a few
examples.

GENERALIZATION
Generalization is noticing how an experience is similar to other experiences. It’s a natural process.
We perceive people, things, and events by noticing aspects of the experience that are like previous
experiences. There are many kinds of doors, right? Revolving doors, automatic doors, sliding doors,
screen doors, the list goes on, doesn’t it? But, they’re all doors. An upscale restaurant may have nicer
ambience, a specialized menu, more attentive service, and higher prices than a family-style restaurant,
but they both have food, tables, and servers—so they’re both restaurants. And, of course, certain
people remind us of other people. Experiences remind us of other experiences. This is how our brain
generalizes. We experience a new thing or skill consciously a few times and after that we delegate it.
We do this all the time.
Even though generalization is useful and efficient, it can also get us into trouble. For example,
someone who reminds us of a friend may well be a very different kind of person. A pepper in your
food may look like a mild pepper you’ve had before, but in fact be a very spicy pepper. Something
that looks familiar, a generalization, can lead to incorrect conclusions or ineffective actions.
Generalizations can also contribute to limiting beliefs. For example, all people with green eyes are
sexy or tall people wearing big boots are threatening. Such generalizations submerge and become
beliefs. And those beliefs then start to run your life. Actually, beliefs are so strong that when you have
a belief, it starts to alter what you perceive. Now all these external stimuli coming in have to get
through these belief filters. Your mind doesn’t really get the raw information. It doesn’t get to choose
anymore.
Rather than getting the actual sound waves coming in, your brain just gets what it hears. And hearing,
like seeing, takes place in the brain, not the eyes or the ears. The eyes and the ears are just channeling
in vibrations, essentially electromagnetic waves. It’s just raw data coming in, but your mind is
filtering that raw data and saying, “Is it dangerous? Is it safe? Is this interesting? Is this significant?”
Your mind is filtering your experience to allow you to survive; so this is a good thing. It’s just that you
might want a little more flexibility in this area. That’s one thing you’ll get as you explore the different
Discovery Activities in this book—because the more choices you have, the better off you are. Of
course, to create, examine, and make different choices, you have to use your brain, which means not
living on autopilot. That becomes a problem when beliefs that were formed when you were a kid
(knowing only what you knew then) are still making your choices. Those old beliefs have largely
chosen your work, your politics, your mate, and your lunch.
As you explore your beliefs and start modifying them using the approaches in this book, you will be
able to have more choices available to you in the future, and that is a very good thing. But, I digress.

DELETION
What’s deletion? Deletion is dropping away aspects of an experience. Deletion is natural. When we

perceive or remember someone or something, we often leave out the background, other people and so
on. That’s deletion. When we focus intensely on something and everything else disappears, that’s
deletion. When we can’t remember something, that’s another form of deletion. When used effectively,
deletion helps remove the noise, distractions, and minutia of life, so we can concentrate on what’s
important.
Here’s a “deletion” experience you might be having right now. You’re probably focused on reading
these words, thinking about what they mean, arguing with the ideas, or taking notes. What you’re
ignoring perhaps is the feeling of your body sitting wherever you’re sitting, on a hard chair, a
comfortable couch, or a cramped bus seat. You may not be paying attention to your body, your
environment, or what time it is. You may not be paying attention to the way your feet feel at the
moment. When I mention it, maybe you notice them, but not until then.
Another example is when you’re looking for someone in a crowd, you’re focusing on specific things
and you’re deleting the background. You might scan a group of people searching only for a certain
thing—the color of a sweater, the shape of a hat, or long blond hair—everything else in the picture is
just background; you’ve deleted the other elements.

DISTORTION
Distortion is changing an experience from what it actually is to some modified form of what it is.
(Let’s put aside whether you can really know what something is and just explore distortion further.)
Distortion, too, is natural. We perceive and remember people, things, and events based on aspects of
the experience: the typical dog, the ideal friend, the worst vacation, and so on. This is a distortion.
It’s a bit of the experience, but we have dropped out a whole lot of details and filled in the rest with
imagination.
When we perceive a particular characteristic about someone, good or bad, and apply it to all aspects
of that person, that’s distortion, too. With distortion, when we perceive someone as a slow talker, we
might distort things so we imagine that they’re also a slow thinker. Similarly, we may conclude that
someone who’s a sharp dresser is a sharp thinker. When you remember a moment of an event as
representing the whole thing, that’s distortion. When you tell the story of that experience and leave
things out and embellish others, that’s distortion. We do this quite frequently.
These three ideas don’t really operate independently—they interact. For example, generalization
requires deletion, and is a form of distortion. It doesn’t matter that you remember these terms, what’s
important is that you recognize that there are billions of bits of information flooding into your brain
every second—to manage all this, your awesome brain automatically generalizes, deletes, and
distorts information.

A Well-Oiled Machine: Body, Brain, and Mind
Each of us is a blend of three different parts: the body, the brain, and the mind. These all work
together and influence each other. A problem in one area affects the others. For our purposes right
now, here’s how to think about these parts:

THE BODY
The body is your physical body, your nerves, muscles, and circulation. Your body includes your
endocrine system and other organs that are constantly adjusting your bloodstream to make you as
effective as possible. Ever miss a meal or a good night’s sleep and then discover that you just aren’t
“up to par” the next day? You may have all the information you need to solve a problem and yet the
solution just doesn’t come. What’s happening is that your body is producing fatigue toxins, your blood
sugar is low, or you’re having an insulin reaction, and that chemistry is affecting your mind.

THE BRAIN
The brain is the three pounds of stuff inside your skull. This amazing organ is where most of your
consciousness takes place. The brain uses 25 percent of the total amount of oxygen you breathe. It is
composed of about 100 billion neurons. Each neuron has one to ten thousand connections to other
neurons. A single human brain equals the entire computing power of our planet in 2007. The human
brain can perform 100 trillion calculations every second. What’s it do with all of that processing
power? A staggering amount of work!
The brain handles all of the information about how your body is working and feeling, and all of the
information about the outside world that is fed into the brain. That’s a total of two million bits of
incoming information per second! But most of this data is handled automatically. We are only aware
of a tiny fraction of this information at a conscious level.
If we have a brain malfunction, either physical or chemical, it affects our feelings. Things seem real
to each of us in a way that no one else can possibly understand. And once our mind is engaged with a
negative thought, the body is triggered to produce chemicals that can increase the negative effect and
we spin out of control. Physical brain problems can be the result of disease or injury. Chemically, this
can happen with too many martinis, prescription drugs, and even some foods.

THE M IND
When someone has a sudden scare or flash of anger, it triggers a reaction in the body. Their
bloodstream is flooded with hormones and chemicals. Their heart races and their eyes narrow. Their

breathing increases and they get ready to fight or run away. Chemicals like these go into the brain and
change the way it works. Then those parts of the brain devoted to higher functions, like creative
thought, shut down and other, more basic parts take over. When this happens, you become a
specialized survival machine. Back in the days when we were running around in the tall grass and
might easily become lunch for something bigger and hungrier than we were, this was a good design.
This design is not as useful when we’re on the way home in commuter traffic and someone cuts us off.
Using our higher brain functions might be more optimal when we’re driving two tons of steel down
the freeway. This survival design also isn’t very efficient if we’re in a work situation and some
unexpected remark triggers our “fight-or-flight” instinct. When that happens, we lose the ability to
think rationally and express ourselves persuasively. Again, it’s how we interpret our situation with
our mind that causes our brain to revert to our flight-or-fight instinct.
So, body connects to brain, and brain to body. And your mind, the part that feels like “you,” is a
pattern of nerve connections in your brain. You are housed in your brain and your body. But if
someone were to cut open your body or brain, they wouldn’t find a picture of your home, or the taste
of chocolate milk, or the sound of birds singing. All that you experience, all that you think, you create
in your mind.
The bits of data are stored in the brain, in billions of neurons, but to make the connections and to
create the experience that make up our lives requires “us.” The brain is not a hard drive that can
operate on its own. It takes our conscious minds to make everything work so that we can ride a
bicycle, go shopping, enjoy a meal, or make music.

Different Planets: The Worlds Inside Our Minds
I bet you think you know what’s real, right? If we were in the room together, you might assume that the
world you live in is the same one I live in. Sorry, Charlie, it just ain’t so.
As soon as we’re born, we begin noticing things. At first, it’s chaos. You can imagine all that stuff
flooding in, all those images, all those sounds, smells, tastes, body sensations. What does your mind
do with all this stuff? Well, it develops languages, five languages. The only way you can think is to
use pictures, sounds, feelings, tastes, and smells; these are the basis of the mind.
For now, maybe you need to take my word for it that the world that you see and the world that you
live in is really IN YOUR HEAD. It’s in your head and no one else’s. Your own mind is creating the
world you live in. The relationships that you have, the way you feel about the people around you, and
the way you feel about yourself are all filters, and almost all of these filters were created
unintentionally.
Because you’ve chosen to pick up this book, you’ve probably already done a lot of work on yourself.
You’ve worked on the content of your thoughts. You’ve worked on what you think. Here’s my point:

how you think can profoundly affect what you think. Until now, you’ve had no tools to deal with how
you think and how that affects you. The process that we’re going to be immersed in is dealing with the
HOW, not the WHAT.
Your brain has sight, sound, feeling, taste, and smell, but you don’t use them all with the same
intensity. Rather than talk about this more, let’s play with an example of your own so you can discover
your own personal world. Throughout this book, I’m going to ask you questions you’ve probably
never thought about before. Even so, you’ll always know the answer, even if you’ve never heard the
question before. So here’s one to get started.

Discovery Activity:
Discovering Your Inner World
Think of the clothes you wore yesterday. When you think of them, how are you seeing the clothes? Are
they hanging in the closet or do you see them on your body as though you’re looking in a mirror?
Perhaps they’re laid out on the bed before you put them on—or lying on the bathroom floor after you
took them off. There are lots of ways you might see yesterday’s clothes.
Here’s what I’d like you to do next. As you see them, notice how you are really seeing them. After all,
it’s not like yesterday’s clothes magically appeared in front of you.
In your mind’s eye, can you actually see the clothes you remember wearing yesterday? Take a good
look at the image itself, how you see them. Notice that you actually made a mental picture. This is
your brain’s way of saying, “Oh yeah. He said yesterday’s clothes; here they are.”
You automatically went in and retrieved the data. Your brain constructed this image for you. This
particular picture probably wasn’t filled in the way you’re seeing it now. After all, as you went
through your day yesterday, you filed countless images of the day’s experiences. But you may have
been unaware of this particular image until you called it up in response to my question, so notice that.
Here’s another example. No matter where you live, there’s probably a front door to your home, right?
Whether it’s a house, an apartment, a room, a tent, or a cave, there’s some sort of way to close the
entrance. I invite you to notice something.
When I mentioned the entrance to your home, you thought about it, didn’t you? And you can think of it
now, and when you do you’ll notice that you know exactly what it looks like. You can see the color
and the form of the door or tent flap, and you know what side has the handle, and exactly how to open
it.
How do you know that? You may be thinking, “I just know it, that’s all, I live there!” Here’s the deal:

being able to imagine your front door requires a new awareness on your part. You just have to look
inside your mind, and slow your thinking process w-a-y down so you can see your thoughts in slow
motion, like watching a movie frame by frame.
Think of your front door again. You see a picture of it in your mind, don’t you? Check it out and you’ll
see I’m right. When you think of your front door, you can see it. You’d have to see it to be able to
know what it’s like from memory.
So now you see your front door. Let’s open it and step inside.
Is there any sound as you open the door? Listen for a moment and notice the sound of the door
opening. Perhaps you hear the latch as it releases, a squeaky hinge, the door scraping along the floor,
or some other sound as the door opens. Maybe you also noticed how heavy the door was or how cool
the knob was when you touched it. What physical sensations did you notice?
Again, it’s just your front door. But you have lots of information about it that’s stored and automated.
You only notice these pictures, sounds, and feelings when you slow down and try to remember them.
Let’s explore a very different example that will show you more about how your mind works. I’m
going to ask you to think about something that I bet you’ve never thought about before. Think of being
at the beach, and think of using your elbow to scratch something in the sand. If you’re right-handed,
think of using your left elbow. If you’re left-handed, think of using your right elbow. In other words,
this is an elbow with no special skills. Now, think of scratching the letter A in the sand. Can you
imagine doing that? I bet you’ve never done it before, certainly not with your off-elbow.
Here’s an interesting thing. To imagine doing that, you have to see the letter A. Maybe you saw it in
the sand, but you began with the shape of the letter A in your mind. You’re doing this and you’re sitting
someplace reading this book. My question to you is, what does that letter A look like in your mind?
We’ve all seen the letter A printed in lots of different styles and sizes. We’ve seen it as big as a
billboard and as small as directions on a jar. We’ve seen it in an array of colors, bold script, lit-up
letters on neon signs. But when you think of the letter A, what comes to your mind? After all, your
mind has a way of producing the letter A for you.
Writing the A in the sand required you to do more than remember something you’d experienced. You
had to remember the letter A and how to write it, as well as what sand at the beach is like. And you
had to construct an imaginary experience where you combined all these remembered elements—
including how to write with your opposite elbow! Your mind can do amazing things.
Okay, let’s leave the beach and go back to your door; remember how it sounds and feels when you
open it.
Think about other doors in your life, and think about how they sound.
Notice other differences when you enter other places.
Notice not only the sounds associated with the door, but perhaps the smell. When you think of the

door to a coffee shop or a bakery, a friend’s house when dinner is grilling on the barbecue, the door to
the gym, the door to the hospital. Or maybe you might remember a different smell.
Think of other places you might visit in your mind. Let your mind wander to your old school or
workplace, or other homes and businesses. Think of parks and outdoor spaces.
As you think of the different places you might visit, you may notice other feelings attached to these
memories.
Perhaps you need to walk up steps to a certain place, or pull extra hard on a door. Or maybe your
memory took you to a camping spot . . . somewhere wet . . . or somewhere cold.
You might notice that your emotional feelings are different depending on the place you think about
visiting. They might range from unpleasant . . . to neutral . . . to excited . . . to happy, depending on the
experiences you connect to the place you’re thinking about.
Here’s the reason. We live inside our bodies and the only way we can know what’s outside our
bodies is with our senses. We see, hear, feel, taste, and smell the world, and that information has been
flowing into our brains since a little while before we were born.
When information first began to enter our awareness, there was no way to make sense of anything, so
it must have been pretty confusing for a while. Then our brains began to put the sensations together.
As we learned earlier, our brains figured out how to sort and file this information. It decided what
went with what. It stored everything you have ever thought, felt, seen, heard, dreamed, or imagined.
Even now, as you read this and check the memories and ideas that I’ve suggested, you are pulling up
old pictures, sounds, feelings, tastes, and smells from your personal storage.

Not Just Basic Cable: “Representational Modalities”
As your thoughts occur, your experience of life is re-presented in your mind in words, pictures, taste,
smell, and feelings. (Okay, usually just pictures, words, and feelings.) Understanding how this works
makes lots of things possible. These phenomena are what we call—here comes the jargon
—“Representational Modalities,” or “Rep Modes.” Rep modes is a fancy label for the five senses.
Most of us tend to favor one rep mode over the others. Some of us will favor an image. Some people
favor voices. That’s me; I’m highly auditory. People like me tend to remember something by the way
it sounds rather than how it looks. It’s better for me to remember a phone number by hearing it than
seeing it. But because now I both hear and see the phone number, it’s even easier to remember. Other
people remember more kinesthetically, which means physical and emotional feelings.
The ways we behave and express ourselves reflect these kinds of thinking. To give you a little
preview, here are some broad generalizations. Auditory thinkers tend to have more melodious voices
and tend to talk a lot. Visual thinkers, like my wife, Vikki, tend to talk more quickly. Kinesthetic

thinkers tend to talk more slowly.
There’s a difference in the way they process, too. Kinesthetic thinkers tend to process things more
slowly and thoroughly. They like to really get a feel for things or have a firm grasp on the situation.
They don’t get the point until they’ve wandered all the way around it and have satisfied themselves
that they have completely covered the territory.
If someone is auditory, they really need to hear what you’re saying. These people march to their own
drummer and tend to make their own music. People who prefer visual modes of thinking are people
who see your vision, picture themselves driving that new car, or talk something through until they can
see eye-to-eye with someone. Someone’s rep mode preferences are also evident in their language
(which you’ll learn more about in a later chapter).
The different ways our minds create thought, using these five senses, touch every part of our lives.
The more you think about that and the more time you spend exploring these concepts, the more it will
become apparent that these processes affect every part of your life.
Most of us have grown up not thinking about the HOW of how we think. So, at first, we may have a
hard time doing that. Some of us don’t visualize as much because we’re feeling people. Some of us
are visual people, like “quick take” artists, who get things really fast and then are on to the next thing.
There’s a big contrast between that kind of thinking and kinesthetic thinking, which is slower and
more thorough.
It takes all kinds, so wouldn’t it be useful for all of us to become a little more well-rounded? All of
us have access to parts of our brains that we just haven’t used. You do what you do because it’s what
you’ve always done. One of the great benefits of learning about NLP is that you’ll have many more
choices and ways to think.
When you’re focusing on this book, you’re doing more than just reading, aren’t you? You are adding
NEW stuff to your memories and images. You are adding your comments right now, as you read this.
I’m talking to you and you’re also talking to yourself. You might be saying “That’s interesting” or
shaking your head in disagreement. In fact, you’re doing it right now!
And the next time you think of your front door or one of the other places you might have thought of
during this last Discovery Activity, you will also remember where you were when you read this
section of the book. You’ll remember what you said to yourself and how you felt about what I’m
telling you.
So basically, in your mind, your brain has created a whole model of your world, with every
viewpoint you have ever seen, sensed, or imagined. When you think of the world, you don’t actually
think of the real thing; you just think you do.
What you actually are thinking of is your “model of the world” in your brain, the way that you
particularly remember it.

And your emotional reactions are determined by this internal personal reality, not by the outside
world. All of the information coming from outside is taken in and blended with all of the information
that we generate in reaction to it.
Mind affects body, body affects mind.
When we have an emotional feeling, our blood chemistry changes and affects our brain even further.
Round and round . . . mind to body . . . to mind, all becoming part of even more memories stored for
later use. All of these images and sensations are stored throughout our lives, just waiting for us to call
them up to recall something we once learned, or to mix the information in new ways to make
something new and wonderfully possible for us.
What do you think that says about your memories? Did you think that you remembered things just as
they happened, as though you captured them with a video recorder?
Actually, you store a highly customized version of your past, what may have actually happened and
WHAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT IT AT THE TIME. Every time you revisit a memory, you see what
really stood out for you, what made an impression on you, and you don’t bother with the rest.
In other words, the foreground of the memory gets sharper with repeated visits. In turn, the
“background” gets duller and dimmer each time you remember the important part and ignore the rest,
which changes the memory even further.
This means that there are NO accurate and complete memories in a human mind. Basically, your own
personal history is a moving target. It shifts each time you call up a memory.
Most people make these shifts unconsciously. They really think that their reality is the same as it is for
everyone else. It’s one of the main reasons why there are so many disagreements between people
about things that have happened, even if both parties were at the same event.
Memories are highly personalized; they change with each new recall.

Mental Sticky Notes: The Power of “Anchors”
There’s another way your mind works—I call it mental sticky notes, although the proper term is
“Anchors.” Here’s a quick example to illustrate the profound effect of an anchor. In fact, it’s probably
one of the main reasons I’m married today.
About fifteen years ago, I was on my way to my favorite bookstore. I’d just had lunch with a dear
friend who’s an NLP author and trainer. During our time together, I told her I was feeling grumpy
about my love life. I’d been dating a lot of women; it felt sort of frantic to me and very tiring. I wasn’t
getting anywhere and I’d pretty much decided I was just going to stop. She said, “You make
commitments too quickly. You don’t need to cut off relationships, you just need to go on a commitment
fast for a while.”

I was musing over what she said as I went up the elevator to this bookstore, and there was a very nice
lady in the elevator who smiled at me. I smiled back. It didn’t mean anything—there was no “comeon” at all. The elevator opened up, we got out, and I forgot all about her.
I went into the bookstore and was just browsing when I heard a voice behind me asking for help. The
clerk said, “Oh, go down to the other end of the store and ask somebody,” and I thought, “Oh man, this
is my favorite bookstore and that’s so unhelpful.” So I turned around to uphold the honor of the
bookstore and found that the woman with the question was the lady who’d smiled at me in the
elevator. When I asked her what she was looking for, she told me she’d just graduated from college
(in her forties) and needed a specific book because she was starting grad school to become a
psychotherapist. That’s when I brought up NLP and we started talking.
She completely forgot about the book she was looking for, and eventually I became embarrassed that
we were standing in this aisle in the bookstore talking, so I invited her next door for a cup of coffee. I
needed to get back to my office, but I thought I would take a few minutes and do a little missionary
work on behalf of my beloved interest in NLP. We went next door and we were having a cup of coffee
and we talked about everything: NLP . . . our kids . . . our ex-mates (she was a widow) . . . our work
. . . our interests.
It was a very pleasant time and I remember this moment like it was yesterday. She was sitting on my
left and as she talked, she would laugh at something she’d said and lean over and gently place her
hand on my left forearm. She’d say, “And Tom, that was the funniest thing!” and I just liked her. I
wasn’t romantic about it. She was too young, too cute, too blond, just not on my radar at all. But she
was so natural and enjoyable to be with, I just wanted to talk to her some more. So I made an
arrangement to talk to her. The rest is history.
But here’s the thing. It’s fifteen years later. We’ve been married for fourteen of those years and I
swear I can still feel her hand on my left forearm where she placed it the day we met. That’s an
anchor, a very powerful one.
So anchors—whether they are kinesthetic, auditory, visual, gustatory, or olfactory—that are
momentary and out of our awareness can stay with us and influence us for years. We have thousands
of them throughout our lives. When you start becoming aware of the phenomena of anchors, you will
weave these things into your consciousness and understanding and find little ways to work with them
to make your life more convenient or richer—just like you did when you created a “Circle of
Excellence” earlier in this chapter.
An anchor is anything that your mind uses to remind you of something else. As an example, we’ve all
probably had the experience, at some point, of smelling a perfume, a cigar, or wood smoke, and
instantly being transported to a different time in our lives.
Maybe that smell reminded us of a parent or a teacher or a relative, or that wood smoke reminded us
of camping or barbecue, or a disaster. Bottom line, things remind us of other things. The interesting
idea here is that this phenomenon, which is called anchoring, can be used deliberately.

Here are some other examples that you might not think of when I talk about anchors. How about
doorknobs? A doorknob means egress and ingress, so that’s an anchor. Remarks are anchors. People
in advertising know this well.
Sometimes the anchor was simply a color. But a powerful anchor might be an image like a flag or a
helmet. It might be a slogan that sounded almost like it made sense, but it didn’t make sense unless
you knew what it was we were selling. All of these are anchors.
Here’s a phrase that most men react to as an anchor. A woman says, “We have to talk.” That’s an
anchor. What she means is “I have something I want you to hear,” but what we say to ourselves is
“Uh-oh.” Women have anchors, too. Not being female, I don’t know what they are for sure, but maybe
it’s when a man says, “I’ll be a little late from work,” or “I’ll do that tomorrow,” or “I’ll get around
to it sometime,” or “Don’t bug me.” These are all examples of anchors.

Discovery Activity:
Creating a Personal Anchor
When you worked with the “Circle of Excellence,” you created a powerful personal spatial anchor.
Let’s experiment with another kind of anchor. You’re going to create a kinesthetic anchor, a touch
anchor, that you can use on yourself, for yourself. How about an anchor that gives you a shot of
confidence, enthusiasm, optimism, and self-regard whenever you need it? Would that be handy?
The nice thing about this particular anchor is you can do this anywhere, anytime you need a little lift
—whether you’re alone or in the middle of a meeting. Now, here’s how to get the lift.
Use your nondominant hand for this activity. (If you’re left-handed, use your right hand, and if you’re
right-handed, use your left hand.) With the tip of your thumb, find the spot that’s the second knuckle of
your middle finger. Practice touching that, because this is going to be an anchor we’re going to use in
just a minute.
Go back to a time when you actually had an experience when you felt optimistic and happy. It could
be anything.
For a guy, it could be a time that your girl said yes to the prom. For a woman, maybe it was a time the
right guy asked you out. Maybe it was a spelling bee or a swim meet you won. Maybe it was when
you were out walking, where you were just overwhelmed by the good smells of nature and the
wonderful feeling you had.
Okay, take a moment to go back and find a memory, a specific experience, that gives you the feeling of
being optimistic and confident and happy with yourself. It could even be something from a movie you

watched or a book you read.
The next question might be “Well, what do I do with it?” or “I can’t find an experience like that.”
Let’s take these one at a time. The answer to “What do I do with it?” is simply to go inside that
experience. Remember how old you were at the time, and go inside that experience and relive it and
enjoy it.
Take a moment. Give yourself thirty seconds to really enjoy that memory, and when you do, look
around you and notice what you were seeing at the time. Notice what you were wearing. Notice how
your body felt at that time.
When you’re at the peak of feeling good, touch your thumb to that inside knuckle. Just press it once.
There isn’t much to it, but we’re not done yet.
Now what I’d like you to do is to go back to that memory and notice that feeling.
Now find another memory where you felt that good, or even better. Go through your life and find
another memory. When you’ve found that, go inside and imagine that experience.
When you first found the memory, you may have seen yourself as if you were in a photograph or a
movie. Now I’d like you to go inside your imagination and actually be yourself, and go through that
experience. When you’re at the peak of good feelings, again touch your thumb to that inside second
knuckle of your middle finger.
I have a question for you. What would it feel like if that positive feeling were twice as strong? Just
imagine what it would feel like in your body if that good feeling were twice as strong, and again
touch your thumb to your middle knuckle.
Wow! Now imagine that it doubled again, and it doubles as you touch the tip of your thumb to that
knuckle. Imagine that. That feeling doubles again.
Okay, stop touching the anchor for a minute and take a step backward. If you’ve done that, you’re
probably back to your normal state, whatever you were when we started this exercise.
Think of your phone number.
Backward.
Now what I’d like you to do is touch your thumb to that knuckle on your middle finger again and just
notice any good feelings that come up. Fascinating, isn’t it?
For additional demonstrations and/or examples, go to http://eg.nlpco.com/1-1.

Anchors at Work: Intentional and Unintentional Anchors
As I mentioned, this is a basic kinesthetic (touch) anchor. To strengthen this anchor over the next

couple of days, continue to go through your life experiences, finding the ones that gave you great joy
and great optimism, and touch this certain spot again and again.
What this does is “stack” the anchors. This just tells your body and your unconscious, “Oh, this is a
thing I can do to make myself feel good,” and it knows how that is because it’s felt good before. It’s
felt good in the past.
The effectiveness of this technique requires that you do two things. One, it requires that you actually
use your imagination to relive a specific experience. Two, it’s got to be specific. It can’t be
theoretical. It can’t be general; it has to be concrete.
A recent good feeling for me was when my four-year-old granddaughter came up and said, “I love
you, Poppa!” out of the clear blue sky. I melted and I just added that to the thousands of other
experiences that I’ve done this with over the years. You can do it, too.
Here’s another anchor just to think about. If somebody’s near you and they’ve put their hand on your
shoulder, usually that’s a warm feeling. Some of us might feel invaded by that, depending on the
relationship or timing, but for most of us that’s a warm feeling. And you may notice that good
salespeople will do that frequently.
For example, the Cornell School of Hotel Administration teaches hotel management skills. They did
research on waitresses and found that waitresses who touched their customers’ hands or shoulders
(even accidentally, but who managed to make physical contact) earned an average of 25 percent
higher tips. That’s the advantage of what we call a touch anchor.
There are also other kinds of anchors. For instance, there’s a certain tone of voice our loved ones
have that we all recognize. Those are anchors. There’s probably a tone of voice our parents had or
our teachers. Those were anchors. These might not have been positive, but they were definitely
anchors; they trigger a memory that has feelings attached to it.
When you’re facilitating a meeting or presenting to a small group, those of us who’ve had
presentation training have learned that if you’re going to take questions, you move to one part of the
stage and take questions from that location. When you’re giving information, you move to another part
of the stage. Gradually, the audience becomes aware of when they have permission to raise their
hands and interrupt you, and when it’s not okay. Those are called spatial anchors—like the “Circle of
Excellence” you created.
We’ll be coming back again and again to how you see and hear things in your mind, and the subject of
anchors. This book introduces certain ways the mind works, gives you plenty of personal experience
about how your mind works, and then shows you ways to use this information, first with yourself and
then with others.

So What? How You Can Use This Information

You might be thinking, “So what?” or wondering how you can use this information. Here are a few
examples.
If you’re haunted by some dark memories, they may be affecting your behavior or limiting your
choices. In this book, you will learn to change the way you hold a specific experience, if you wish.
Or, suppose you have a habit you want to change. By managing the process of your thinking, you can
learn how to shift old unwanted habits into new and more useful ones. There may be other behaviors
you might want to adjust. Perhaps you’re shy, you put things off, or you’re hesitating to explore the life
of your dreams.
In these first few Discovery Activities, we’ve begun to develop an understanding of how, by storing
elements from our senses combined with some internally generated comments and imaginings, we
actually re-create reality inside our minds. In the rest of this book, we’ll be looking at the many ways
we can shift the pictures, sounds, feelings, tastes, and smells in our memories so that we get better
results in our daily lives.
Here’s something else that always amazes me when I work with clients. You won’t remember who
you were when you began reading this book—because you’ve already begun to change—but your
friends and family around you will. In fact, a couple of months from now, somebody is going to
comment on the changes they notice in you. They’ll see the difference between the way you are and
the way you were. They’ll notice a single, specific way that you’re different—or the cumulative effect
of all these things that you’re learning and applying—which is why the first chunk of this book is
about applying these processes to yourself. When you have successful experiences with these
different techniques and ways of thinking, they’re real to you.
As you integrate these strategies into how you think and the choices you make, they become second
nature. What happens as you become more aware and more expert is that you begin to see how they
are at work around you in other people, too—which is fascinating in a whole new way.
Because your NLP skills can heighten your awareness and personal effectiveness, you want to keep
them handy and sharp. After all, like any tool, it only works when you use it, not when it’s stashed in a
drawer. Let me tell you a story about my friend Tom Dotz. Even though he’s been immersed in the
NLP field for years, running a major NLP institute in the United States, he still has moments where he
forgets to use his NLP skills.
I was visiting his Colorado office one day and we were about to go out to lunch. Like most people, he
felt compelled to check his email one more time before we left. When he did, he suddenly looked
much less than happy. “Damn, it’s so-and-so again. I’m getting to the point where I just hate to look at
my in-box.”
I couldn’t resist responding to such a limiting statement from my friend since it wasn’t a reflection of
how he usually thinks and behaves. And because Tom and I have had a long and enjoyable friendship,
I just laughed out loud. Then, with a big Gotcha! smile, I said, “Well, Tom. It’s too bad you can’t do
anything about that.”

My choice of words was quite intentional. You see, Tom has a leaning toward what, in NLP, we call
“Counter-Exampling”—which means that if you give him an absolute statement, he feels almost
obliged to point out an exception—or two, or more!
So when I jokingly said, “Too bad you can’t do anything about that,” I knew his mind would
automatically start feeding him ways he could. And it did.
“You’re right, Tom. Sometimes I forget to use my own stuff on me. I’m totally congruent about
changing this. One thing I can easily do is anchor a different more positive response. Or, I could . . .”
and on he went to list several more ways he could change his response to his in-box to one that
served him better.
The point is that knowledge is power—but only if you use it. After all, positive and negative anchors
are everywhere—someone’s name in your email in-box, the tone of someone’s voice, the way they
shake their head or chew their fingernails may stimulate a feeling in response. When you notice a
feeling you don’t want (or do want) and trace it back to the cause, you will find a trigger—it could be
an image, sound, touch, or even a taste or smell—that sets that feeling in motion. Then, you can do
something to make your experience better. Once you learn NLP, you always have the power to make
positive changes. You just have to remember and use the amazing selection of tools you have right at
hand.

An Easy Ride: How This Book Is Structured
I’ve structured this resource in a way that guides you through your first reading and makes it easy to
refer to specific things in the future. Although I’d like you to read the chapters in sequence because
each chapter builds on the earlier ones, the Contents (in the front) and Index (in the back) will help
you look up anything you want to revisit, and the glossary provides definitions of common NLP terms.
The book is divided into two sections. The first one (Chapters 1–4) focuses on you—how your mind
works and changes you can make to feel even more confident and energized. The second section
concentrates on your interactions with others and how these can be easier and more rewarding.
Section 2 builds on the first section and enables you to apply what you’ve learned to other people, not
just to yourself. This doesn’t mean that you’re changing or “fixing” someone else. (After all, it’s
inadvisable to do that without their permission.) It simply means that the same NLP concepts that
helped you understand how you “work” can help you understand other people. That new
understanding enables you to make different choices about interacting with them—hopefully, in a way
that’s more in line with your desired outcome.
Each chapter is a bit like a conversation where I’ll introduce different NLP concepts and share
examples that illustrate how these ideas are important. The Discovery Activities give you an
opportunity to explore these concepts as they relate to you and changes you might like to make. After

many of these activities, I’ve provided an Internet link where you can access a demo of that process
or easily get additional information.
At the end of each chapter, there’s a quick summary of Key Ideas, as well as a URL link and QR code
to access a list of Bonus Activities and additional examples that will help you enhance your
understanding and NLP skills. The two blank pages at the very end of each chapter offer you a place
to capture your thoughts and list future things you’d like to work on with the concepts you learned
during that part of the book.
In the final chapter, I’ve included highlights from the book and processes you will have learned. To
help you determine what next steps you want to take to strengthen your NLP knowledge and skills,
I’ve provided an easy 21-Day Guide and a link to a list of my favorite NLP resources. My goal is to
make becoming an NLP power user easy and fun so you can create an even better life.
As I mentioned in the Introduction, NLP is more important today than ever before because, in this
world of ever-evolving technology, we are constantly connecting—with people we work with,
people we love, and people who have information and/or access to others. We’re so busy responding,
that we hardly have time to think.
One final note for this chapter. NLP is a robust and evolving technology, so no book is all-inclusive.
This one focuses on key concepts and strategies that lend themselves to a self-study format. It also
focuses on you! Here’s why. Because NLP was initially designed as brief therapy, many available
resources target helping other people make desired changes.
Yet, after years of working with NLP masters and trainees, it’s clear to me that most people really
want to use these powerful tools to help themselves. Using NLP to become a better you isn’t a selfish
thing—like putting on your oxygen mask first during an airplane emergency, it’s purely practical.
There are two reasons. First of all, changing yourself is within your control. Second, when you
change any variable in an equation, the results change. As you change yourself, you’ll notice how—
without a word—people around you shift in response. This phenomenon is fascinating and is likely to
inspire you to make more changes!
So turn the page, and let’s start to explore more about how you think, and the amazing things you can
do when you choose to “customize” your thinking.

Key Ideas
•

Our brains interpret the sensory input we get, and assign a meaning to it. As soon as a
meaning is assigned, it leads to an emotion. This is unconscious, and fast, so that we have
the stimulus and the emotion. The rest is out of awareness.

•

When we learn, we generalize. Because we had some experiences in the past that seem
similar, we generalize and automate; it’s an efficiency strategy.

•

Generalization is also how beliefs get formed; then beliefs filter all the different stimuli
coming in. The mind doesn’t really get raw information; it no longer gets to choose.

•

Deletion is when the mind ignores specific sensory input.

•

Distortion is changing an experience from what it actually is to some modified form of it.

•

Each of us is a blend of body, brain, and mind.

•

The world inside someone’s mind is based on five languages: sight, sound, smell, taste, and
feeling.

•

The world each person sees and lives in is really the world inside their head.

•

People often favor one sense or “rep mode” over the others so they are more visual . . .
more auditory . . . or more kinesthetic.

•

What people remember is a moving target; it shifts each time someone calls up a memory.

•

Our minds can recall what we specifically experienced and combine remembered elements
to create new imagined experiences and ideas—which are critical to change and
innovation.

•

Consciously using mental sticky notes (anchors) is a powerful way to strengthen positive
mental “states” and diminish negative ones.

•

Of the NLP Presuppositions, this book touches on the following ones:
>

Experience has structure. It consists of sensory impressions. Some are internally
generated and others come from the outside world. That blend, plus the meanings
we add, makes up our individual experience.

>

People are like mapmakers. We make internal representations (“maps”) of personal
experiences. People’s maps are made up of pictures, sounds, feelings, smells, and
tastes. These are the “languages of the senses” that our brains use to record our
experiences.

>

The map is not the territory. Each of us creates a personal map. It’s our world, not
THE world.

>

People respond to their maps of reality, not to reality itself. All thought—memories,
recall, imaginings, daydreams, fantasies—can be called maps. They’re what we
respond to.

>

If you change someone’s map, their emotional state will change. To all of us, the map
IS the experience. Maps are the source of emotions and beliefs. Our feelings change
when our maps do.

>

Some maps are out of awareness. We are unaware of some of the maps that we have

made; it takes language skills and sensory acuity to identify these maps. They are in
the unconscious.
>

Behind every behavior is a positive intention. When we seek the “outcome behind the
behavior,” we will find a universally shared need, like love, safety, self-respect, etc.

>

There is no such thing as an inner enemy. Yet there are frequently clumsy or
misguided “inner friends” who have positive intentions for us but tend to repeat
inappropriate or outdated patterns of behavior.

>

Choice is better than no choice. No choice means slavery or robotic behavior.
Having choices in any situation gives each of us the freedom to change and grow.
Choice gives us more “clicks on the dial.”

>

People always make the best choices available to them at the time. We do the best we
can in the moment and we might be happier and more effective if we had more
choices available to us.

>

A system’s most flexible element has the most influence. When we have more choices,
we have more influence and more ways to get our desired outcome.

>

The meaning of any communication is the response it gets. Communication is not a
solo act. It doesn’t matter what our intentions are; communication is defined by the
reaction it gets.

>

People work perfectly to produce the results they are getting. If our results are not
satisfactory, we can learn to develop more choices so we can get different results.

>

Every behavior is useful in some context. Every capability exists for some useful
reason.

>

Anyone can do anything that anyone else can do. Since all human nervous systems are
similar (except in the case of actual physical or mental limitations), we can model
and learn each other’s skills and attitudes. “Monkey see, monkey do.”

>

Chunking: using small chunks to learn big stuff. People learn easily by breaking big
subjects into small chunks. For example, these presuppositions are easy to learn, if
considered a few at a time.

>

People already have all the resources they need. We either have the experience in our
memory banks or we are capable of successfully imagining it. Then we can use it
where it’s needed.

>

There is no such thing as failure, only feedback. We are always producing a result; if
it’s not what we want, we can use the unwanted result as feedback to guide us in
experimenting with other choices.

>

The quality of our lives is determined by the quality of our communications. How we

communicate with ourselves creates our personal experience and how we
communicate with others determines the way we are treated throughout our lives.
>

Mind and body are part of the same system and they affect each other. What each of us
thinks affects our individual physiology, as well as our health, and what we do to
our bodies affects our feelings and thoughts.

>

Communication is redundant. People are simultaneously communicating in all three
systems—visual, auditory, kinesthetic.

>

Positive change comes from adding resources. NLP helps us add choices; it doesn’t
delete.

>

If what you are doing isn’t working, try anything else. If we keep experimenting, we
aren’t guaranteed success, but we can sure stack the odds. The only way to fail is to
quit trying!

To enhance the skills you learned in this chapter, check out the recommended Bonus Activities at our
special “Essential Guide” website: http://eg.nlpco.com/1-4 or use the QR code with your phone.

Discoveries, Questions, Ideas, and Stuff You Want to Work On

CHAPTER TWO: M ANAGING YOUR M IND

Who’s driving the bus?

A man who has control over his mind
is able to realize its full potential.
—The Sama Veda

Because few of us understand how our brains and minds work, we don’t really take charge. We
don’t really know what pictures, sounds, feelings, tastes, and smells are in our brains and minds, let
alone how that information is impacting us right now. Here’s the deal. The brain operates pretty much
on its own, doing its job to process information and keep us alive. In contrast, the mind is able to
focus on more than just survival; it affords us the opportunity to create and choose from a myriad of
options.
In this chapter, we’re going to explore the way our brains make sense of the world, how to fine-tune
that process, and how to deal with things that cause an emotional reaction and pull us off our desired
course, so we can better navigate our personal journeys.

Where Do You Want to Go? Outcome Frames
Imagine this. Someone gets into a taxi and the driver asks, “Where to?” and the passenger says,
“Don’t take me to the airport.” It sounds silly and yet it’s how many of us navigate our lives. It’s hard
to get where we want to go when we’re not completely clear or congruent about where that is. It’s
easy to wind up somewhere we don’t want to be and wonder how we got there, isn’t it?
So first, we need to know what we want: we need an “Outcome.” What’s an outcome? It’s something
you desire that’s achievable, appropriate, and measurable. It’s easy to mistake a desire that’s a social
influence for one that is personal. Maybe you do want a private jet, but maybe what you really want is
just to be able to travel more easily. Owning and maintaining a personal jet is pretty expensive, and
there are many other easier ways to travel.
One of the most essential NLP processes is the Outcome Frame, because it carefully and thoroughly
addresses the elements that make up a worthwhile goal that truly serves you. Leslie Cameron, one of
the codevelopers of NLP, explains it this way:

The Outcome Frame is a set of questions that orient your thinking to maximize the
possibility of your getting what you want and being glad that you got it. It’s actually an
orientation, a way of perceiving experience as a set of choices. Rather than addressing the
issue of why a problem exists, it organizes experience around what is wanted, and how it is
possible to achieve it.
In NLP, there is an ongoing presupposition that if it’s possible for one person in the
world to do something, it’s possible for anyone to do it; it’s only a question of how.
The “how” orientation of the Outcome Frame makes it possible to turn the inevitable
setbacks and stumblings that you experience into valuable feedback. As long as you have a
specified outcome that you are holding constant, and know that it is possible to attain, a
setback is simply something that happens along the way towards your outcome. The things
you do that take you towards your outcome let you know you are on the right track. Those
that are disappointing indicate only that what you are doing to attain your outcome is not
useful and that you need to change your tack.
Once I learned to use the Well-Formed Outcome, I wondered how I ever got along without it. It’s so
simple and effective that you can apply it to anything you want. It’s especially helpful when you’re
planning big changes, find yourself stuck, or when you simply want to fine-tune a goal you have or are
pursuing. Let’s review the key questions and conditions of a Well-Formed Outcome and then you’ll
have an opportunity to apply them, using a simple worksheet, to an outcome that you want.
The Well-Formed Outcome involves the following six questions, which we’ll explore one at a time,
using the sample goal of wanting to feel more persuasive.
•

What specifically do you want?

•

How will you know when you’ve achieved what you want?

•

Under what circumstances, where, when, and with whom, do you want to have this result?

•

What stops you from having your desired outcome already?

•

What resources will you need to help you create what you want?

•

How are you going to get there—and what’s the first step to begin to achieve this result?

1. WHAT SPECIFICALLY DO YOU WANT?
W. Clement Stone said, “All personal achievement starts in the mind of the individual. The first step
is to know exactly what your problem, goal or desire is.” Using the Well-Formed Outcome, a goal
must be: stated in positive terms, chosen by you and within your control, described in a sensoryspecific way, and have a manageable size or scope—which we call “Chunk Size” in NLP. (Common

NLP terms are described in the glossary at the back of the book.)
Here we go. Imagine that you wanted to feel more persuasive. Remember, if your goal is to feel more
persuasive, you can’t state it as “I don’t want to feel pushy” or “I don’t want to seem like a know-itall.” These aren’t really goals at all. They’re simply a statement of what you don’t want. It’s too
vague to ever know if you had attained it. It’s also very hard for the brain to work with negatives.
How do you not think of a purple elephant? First, you have to think of it and then try not to think of it.
That’s just a big waste of energy. So every time you think, “I don’t want to be pushy,” you first have to
think of being pushy. The only way to stop that thought is to think of something else. So why not just
go for what you do want, directly?
And you have to think, “Even though there might be factors, like a critical boss or spouse, difficult
customers, or product problems that may impact my emotions, feeling more persuasive is largely
within my control.”
To fine-tune what feeling persuasive is, I’d want to describe what that means to me in specific,
sensory terms. To do this, I ask myself, “What will I see, hear, or feel when I am feeling and being
more persuasive? Or what might other people notice if I were feeling persuasive?” In response, I
might say, “When I’m feeling persuasive, I’ll feel like I’m really being helpful, that I’m giving
someone what they need to make a good decision. I’ll be breathing comfortably, thinking clearly—
easily accessing information and materials I need, and expressing myself in a dynamic, helpful way.”
Because feeling persuasive is a large outcome, I may want to narrow that down. For example, I might
want to narrow the focus a little so my goal becomes: “I want to be feeling more persuasive in my
job.”
Next, I’d ask myself about the outcome of the outcome (the “Meta-Outcome”) so I can try on what
achieving my goal will do for me. What is essential, and often missed, is that in any outcome or goal,
you are unlikely to know how satisfying it really will be until you have actually experienced it. In the
case of any large goal, you want to find or create opportunities to sample it before investing what may
be years of your life only to be disappointed. For instance, before starting law school, an internship
or administrative job in a law office would be a good idea.
To explore my meta-outcomes, I’d ask myself, “What will feeling more persuasive in my job do for
me? When I’m thinking clearly, easily accessing information and materials I need, and communicating
effectively, what else will that do for me that’s even more important?” When I think about this, I
might say, “My customers will respond more positively and give me more orders. If they give me
more orders, I’d make more commission. If I make more commission, I could buy a better car. And, if
I could buy a better car, I’d feel more comfortable taking those long road trips my spouse loves.” You
get the drift—this line of thinking about the “Meta” (next-level) outcomes took me from getting more
orders to taking long road trips!

2. HOW WILL YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE IT?
Because I now have refined my goal using the first question and subquestions, I can more easily
address this next one, right? This question requires me to create evidence—so I’ll know if I’ve
achieved my goal or at least am making progress. Establishing appropriate and timely evidence
invites me to consider how soon, or how frequently, I want to have this outcome. As the saying goes,
a goal is a dream with a deadline. Absent a commitment to take action, little is ever accomplished.
So when I ask myself, “How soon do I want to feel more persuasive at work?” I may be tempted to
answer, “Right away!” A more realistic approach is to identify a time frame that allows me to take the
necessary steps to achieve my goal—but doesn’t leave things in a “someday” type of holding pattern.
So, I might say, “I’d like to feel more persuasive at work by end of second quarter because I’ll get to
present my sales numbers at our June meeting—and my results will reflect my increased feeling of
persuasiveness.” This gives me a specific target date. To establish additional evidence, I could
determine benchmarks for my current orders and sales dollars.

3. WHERE, WHEN, AND WITH WHOM DO YOU WANT IT?
The objective of this question is to determine if the goal is “Ecological.” To give you a silly example
of a nonecological goal, there was a man in Indonesia who wanted to get in the Guinness Book of
World Records. The record he chose was one for which there wasn’t much competition. Although that
makes good sense, he decided to pursue the record for the longest time buried alive. He survived his
first attempt, but fell short of the record. Unfortunately, he didn’t survive his second attempt.
Of course, you wouldn’t do anything that extreme, yet people frequently find themselves pursuing all
sorts of goals from the small (that ideal pair of shoes) to the lifetime ones (a law degree, a marriage)
only to realize upon getting them that they weren’t worth the sacrifice.
How much better to consider this in advance? How do you make sure you don’t choose a goal that
might prove to have disastrous effects? Here’s how you do that. Try it on. This might be by imagining
what it will be like to achieve your goal. If you don’t have enough information to make a mental
movie, it may be advisable to identify opportunities that would enable you to try it on.
If, for example, your goal is to become a doctor, you might want to volunteer with the Red Cross or
try working in a hospital before making a twelve-year commitment to the extensive medical training
required. Also, if the goal you’re considering is something major like a career goal, assessing
elements like income potential and costs are basic and essential ecology checks. So another way to
explore ecology is to ask, “How could pursuing and getting this outcome be a problem for me?” You
see, ecology checks are there to protect you.
Another ecology-oriented question is “How will my desired outcome affect my life? How will this
affect my health, friends and family, finances, and work?” Even though the meta-outcomes I came up
with were attractive to me, I didn’t consider how the potential ripple effects of getting what I want

might affect the people who are important to me. For example, feeling persuasive might change my
behavior and, consequently, some of the friendships I currently enjoy at work. My coworkers might
become more competitive with me. My boss could be happy, but he could also be intimidated. If I
really excelled and got promoted, I might be asked to transfer, which I don’t think my spouse would
like because our children are all nearby. You get the picture.
A twenty-six-year-old client of mine dreamed of being a speech pathologist and was the first woman
in her family to earn a college degree. When she got it, she was surprised that her family wasn’t more
excited. In fact, they treated her as though, all of a sudden, she thought she was too good for them.
This potential reaction had never occurred to her. So if you’re having trouble anticipating the ripple
effects, get some input from people who know you, your situation, and your significant others well.
There’s no guarantee or threat that what you come up with will actually happen as a result of getting
your outcome—but it’s important to anticipate these possibilities.

4. WHAT STOPS YOU FROM HAVING YOUR DESIRED OUTCOME ALREADY?
The purpose of this question is twofold. First, it helps you generate a list of action items. Second, it
can reveal what you’re thinking and feeling.
So when I ask myself what stops me from feeling more persuasive, I might be thinking, “I need a
better script for positioning our latest product” or “I need to memorize our latest research data.”
Whatever answers I come up with simply become tasks on my to-do list.
However, when I ask myself what stops me from feeling persuasive, I might also find myself feeling
frustrated and thinking, “In this economy, it’s really hard to make appointments with prospects.” This
limited thinking stops me, and it’s not completely true. Other salespeople are getting appointments
with prospects. So even though it may be challenging to get appointments and I may need to
experiment with different approaches, it is possible. After all, it isn’t likely that these potential clients
won’t see anyone new, is it? Identifying what’s real and what’s not makes it possible to create a
workable strategy for achieving a goal. Asking questions like these helps you reconsider and refine
goals that have been producing mixed feelings.

5. WHAT RESOURCES WILL YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CREATE WHAT YOU WANT?
There are two parts to this step. First, what resources do you already have that will contribute to
getting your outcome? Second, what additional resources will you need in order to get your outcome?
(In NLP, “Resources” might include knowledge, time, experience, money, contacts, support, and so
on.)
So now I’m wondering, “What resources do I have right now that I can use to feel more persuasive at
work?” Upon reflection, I might notice that I feel and am most persuasive when my presentation

materials are well organized and I can easily put my hands on the right data or collateral. I might
recall that I feel more persuasive and helpful when I tell success stories about how this solution has
worked for other clients. And I might decide that because I have a proven track record with them, my
current customers are often very open to new solutions I recommend. Talking with them to find out
what their needs and challenges are helps me understand what’s important to them and how I need to
share information if I’m going to persuade them. I guess I could even ask them for referrals.
So, what additional resources do you need in order to get to your outcome? When I try this on in
terms of my goal, I’m thinking that some additional sales training on getting appointments could be
useful. I could check out what’s offered online or in my community. Maybe my boss could be a
resource, too. I could record my phone calls and get coaching on what I could have said or done
differently.
Sometimes when we’re feeling stuck, it’s hard to think of what resources might be useful. Checking
out the Internet and online groups, or brainstorming with colleagues or friends, can help loosen up our
thinking and open up new possibilities.

6. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET THERE?
Without action, a goal is just an idea. In addition to a timeline, a useful plan breaks the who, what,
how, when, and where into manageable chunks. Since talking with current customers will move me
closer to my goal, part of my plan would include a list of which customers to contact and compiling a
list of key questions to ask them. My plan might also include some Internet research and networking
on appointment setting so I could strengthen my selling skills and not feel so flustered when someone
isn’t yet ready to meet with me.
Although chunk and sequence size are critical to a successful plan, having options about how to
accomplish a goal is also essential. In NLP, we operate on the premise that more choice is better. So
a plan whose success depends on just one way of doing something can be a recipe for
disappointment. Ideally, a plan is just a road map. You use it to get where you’re going, and it
includes alternate routes.
That’s an overview of the Well-Formed Outcome. So, right now, think of at least three things you
want. It might be as simple as “What I want to get out of this book is . . .” or as complex as “I want to
travel more.” List these “wants” you came up with on the blank pages at the end of this chapter.

Discovery Activity:
Creating a Well-Formed Outcome

Pick one of the wants you just identified and use it to apply the Well-Formed Outcome, answering the
questions using the worksheet on the following two pages.

Well-Formed Outcome Worksheet
1. What specifically do you want? Describe your desired outcome or state in a positive sensorybased way that’s an appropriate chunk-size and also addresses WHAT ELSE having or
achieving your outcome will do for you (Meta-Outcomes).

2. How will you know when you’ve achieved what you want? Determine if the “evidence” you’re
focused on is appropriate and timely (soon and regular enough).

3. Under what circumstances, where, when, and with whom, do you want to have this result?
Reflect on the context(s) in which you want to have this outcome and evaluate the ecology so
you can consider how achieving this result may affect other areas, aspects, or people in your
life.

4. What stops you from having your desired outcome already? Identify and explore any feelings,
thoughts, or circumstances that seem to inhibit movement toward your outcome.

5. What resources will you need to help you create what you want? Determine what resources
you ALREADY have that will help you (knowledge, money, connections, etc.). Consider
additional resources you’ll need to move forward.

6. How are you going to get there? Identify manageable steps to help achieve your result,
consider multiple options to get where you want to go, and determine the FIRST step you’ll
take.

To use the Well-Formed Outcome for other goals, go to: http://eg.nlpco.com/2-1 or use the QR code
with your phone.
One of the most valuable uses of the Well-Formed Outcome may seem counterintuitive. Updating your

goals and throwing out ones that you realize don’t fit is every bit as useful as creating ones that do.
Maybe they did at one time, or maybe they were just nice to think about. Now, having taking these
through the outcome process, the achievement is to take them off your list. Good for you. That frees
up your energy and time for the outcomes you realize you really do want, that are worth having, and
that you are ready to move toward.

Being of Two Minds: Congruence/Incongruence
“Have you ever felt like you wanted to go, but you felt like you wanted to stay?”
That lyric from an old Jimmy Durante song is a great example of something we all experience. It’s
that sense of an inner conflict, like one part of us wants to do one thing, and another part of us wants
to do something else. Or it can seem that we’re just uncertain about what we really want to do. NLP
calls this “Incongruence”: times when you feel conflicted about a goal or a situation.
You can also feel incongruent about a more pleasant conflict, like when part of you wants to go to the
mountains and part of you wants to go to the beach. More important is when incongruence reveals a
conflict in our values. Imagine, for example, that your boss told you that you need to be more
aggressive with a certain customer. Yet, to you, being aggressive means being pushy, and being pushy
violates your values and your sense of who you are.
You’ve also experienced times when you’ve felt no doubt or conflict, and everything seemed to be
going your way. This is frequently referred to as “being in the zone” or being in a flow state. In NLP,
we call this being “Congruent.” Learning to detect when you are congruent, and when you are not, is a
very important life skill. The more you are aware of your personal signals of incongruence, the faster
you can identify and resolve the conflict you’ve uncovered. The faster you resolve any incongruence,
the easier things will be for you and the more effective you will be because you’re not spinning your
wheels and unconsciously resisting or debating an issue.
Incongruence is a real source of friction in our lives. It takes a lot of personal energy to overcome a
part of you that’s really opposed to a certain course of action. The more you try to override that part,
the more likely it is that the unwilling part of you will object more strongly. And when you fight with
yourself, you tend to lose.
It’s far more effective and in the long run simply easier to develop the ability to notice when you’re
incongruent and resolve it. It’s one of the easiest skills to learn and one of the most rewarding. One of
the greatest sources of emotional and physical stress is when your mind is trying desperately to
override your body’s righteous desire to stop you from doing something that violates your integrity.
The most effective way to turbocharge your life is to learn to move in harmony with your values.
Here’s how. We’ve all had experiences of being completely congruent about something we wanted.
Just think back to when you were a child and you really wanted that special toy for your birthday, or

you really wanted that cherry Popsicle on a hot summer afternoon. In your adult life, you’ve had lots
of experiences of being congruent about something you wanted. It could be as simple as knowing you
craved Thai food or wanted to see that new movie.

Discovery Activity:
Recognizing Incongruence
You’ve had many recent experiences of being congruent about something you wanted, right? So
simply think of the first one of those recent situations that comes to your mind. Now, very specifically
remember the time and place where you felt that way. Remember who, if anyone, was around you,
where you were, what you saw, what you heard, and what you felt. Remember that experience now as
if you were there and looking out from your own eyes. What are you seeing now? What are you
hearing? What are you feeling?
Recalling all that is pretty empowering, isn’t it? Right now, just pick one aspect of that memory,
whether it’s a picture or something heard or felt—one aspect that seems most important to you. It’s
your mind, so whichever element seems most important to you is the one.
Now, set that aside, and consider the opposite experience. Think of a time when you were really
uncertain, when you really felt ambivalent about something that you were supposed to do. It’s often
easier to find a useful example when you think of something that someone else wanted you to do and
you didn’t really want to.
Think of that experience now, with this difference. Remember it as if it were at a distance, as if you
were outside of it watching someone else. Watch that memory from outside, and notice—what’s the
first thing that let you know it was not something you wanted to do?
Now take that feeling, sound, or image and magnify it, make it louder or larger or brighter or stronger.
You want to be sure that you’ll recognize it every time it comes up. This is your warning signal. This
is the signal that will let you know you need to really pay attention and sort out what’s going on.
Whenever you get that signal, it’s time to stop the action, step back, and thoroughly assess your
situation.
This is why I’ve found that creating a congruent Well-Formed Outcome is such an indispensable tool.
When you make it a habit to review your goals and dreams through the Outcome Frame and your
Congruence Check, you’re less likely to get into situations where you find yourself in conflict with
others—or, more important for the moment, with yourself.

Are You In or Out? Being Associated or Disassociated
In the two memories you just recalled, you may have noticed something different about the emotional
impact. If you followed the instructions, in the first memory you were “in” the experience. NLP calls
this an “Associated” experience. In the second memory you were outside the memory observing
yourself, and that’s called a “Disassociated” experience.
The technique of associating and disassociating is really useful and here’s why: When we associate
into an image or an experience, whether it’s real or imaginary, it’s much more intense for us. When
we disassociate from an experience, we are watching ourselves in it and we still get most of the
information from that image, but not the emotional impact.
The ability to recall an experience in a disassociated way allows you to observe it more impartially.
Think back to the two different experiences you remembered. In the first experience, which was
associated, you were in your feelings. In the second one, the disassociated experience, your feelings
were observed from outside. They were “over there.”
If you have a memory that feels yucky, I suggest that you always visit that memory disassociated.
There’s no reason to feel those old yucky feelings again, even once. You can still access the
information by just seeing the movie, if you even want to do that. If a memory is really bad or
traumatic, there are powerful ways to deal with it.
It’s fascinating to me that some people tend to see all the unpleasant things, whether they’re real or
imagined worries, as associated. In this way, they’re doing a lot to make themselves unhappy. Even if
they’re not doing it deliberately, it’s a bad habit that causes them to get in the image and live the yucky
bits. And, all the pleasant stuff, they view disassociated! If you sometimes do this, you can easily turn
that around. You could immediately start changing your life outlook by noticing all of your
experiences that were pleasant and revisiting them in an associated fashion, so you’re actually
reliving the experience. Try it; it will enrich you.
Because you’re a different person than you were at the time the memory was created, and you know
more today than you did then, you’ll be able to perceive and understand more things about that past
experience. Here’s why. All of the data that was available is stored in your brain, so you can look
around now and notice things you didn’t notice before. This is the same phenomenon that makes
hypnosis so effective. In hypnosis, you may have access to information that you ignored simply
because it was in the background at the time.
It may be that you would choose to view all of your unpleasant memories, your worries, and even
things about the future disassociated. Why live through them again? It was probably bad enough the
first time. It’s unnecessary roughness to do it again. There’s no reason for it. If your brain says to you
(or if you’ve been taught), “Well, that’s how we learn,” that’s not true, it’s not. You’re really smart.
You can learn the first time. You know what you like and don’t like, and you know what feels good
and what doesn’t feel good. There’s no necessity for or benefit from any continuing punishment.

Subtle Distinctions That Matter: Sub-Modalities
Association and disassociation is just one example of the finer distinctions our sensory systems make.
In NLP, we think of the senses as “Modalities,” and the unique and subtle qualities within each
modality are called “Sub-Modalities.” Because these distinctions reflect and impact how we feel, we
refer to these as “molecules of meaning.”
Just as learning to view your memories in a disassociated way can change your experience of that
remembrance, discovering how to tinker with the other sub-modalities of your experiences can
dramatically change how you feel about something and how you integrate it into the way you think
about things in the future.
Because exploring sub-modalities is interesting and fun, much has been written about them and we
could easily spend a lot of time on each one—but we won’t. Instead, you’ll have an opportunity to
discover the sub-modalities of sight. Later, you can apply these same steps to exploring the submodalities of your other senses.

Discovery Activity:
Tinkering with Visual Distinctions
The process of making these discoveries may be unfamiliar and yet you’ll know the answers to the
questions I ask. My experience is that you’ll have enough information available to you to recognize
the differences between generalities about human behavior and the particulars that are very specific
to you. In fact, you already successfully did some of this fine-tuning in the last activity.
Let’s get started by exploring a specific example where you can compare and contrast a few of your
select mental pictures.
Right now, I want you to imagine your favorite food, the one food on the planet that you most enjoy
eating, and just imagine a picture of it. When you’re seeing that picture, hold on to that in your mind’s
eye.
Leave that in one place, and now look at the food that you like the least, and observe the differences
between the two. They may be in different positions in your imagining. If you really look at the
images, you may find them with one slightly to the left and one slightly to the right, or one higher and
one lower.
But look at the pictures and notice the differences in brightness. Notice also the differences in
nearness. Which one’s closer? Notice if there are any other differences in the pictures. As an

example, does one have a frame around it? Is it kind of flat? Is one in color and one in black-andwhite? Is one smaller than the other? Is one still and the other a motion picture?
The modality of vision is optimal to play with because most people are usually somewhat aware of
their pictures or mental movies. We can easily access and reference them and notice that they have a
lot of distinctions. These differences make a difference, as you’re about to experience. You already
know about association and disassociation, so let’s try to experiment with that sub-modality and
several new ones.
Look back and find a very pleasant memory that you may not have thought of for some time, something
that you really enjoyed. Actually go back as if you were having that experience right now, so you’re
actually “in” it. As you look around, you’re seeing what you saw at the time of the original
experience. You can see what you saw.
Now, step out of it so you just see it as a movie with yourself in the picture. You can see yourself in
that movie wherever you were.
When you were first remembering this pleasant memory, you weren’t seeing yourself in a movie, you
were “there,” right? So when I asked you to step out and see yourself in a movie, that was a brandnew image that your brain just put up there. I have no idea what camera angle it picked or how distant
you were, but your brain just automatically selected something.
Many of us experience memories as though they’re mental movies. When you step into your mental
movies and associate, you find that you can turn your head. You can see all the way around. When
you’re associated, it’s like you’re really in the picture. When you’re disassociated, it’s like you look
at it from a slight distance. Most of the information we have in our heads, we see in a disassociated
way.
So let’s get back to this really pleasant memory of yours. As you’re in the picture, go back in and
associate into the memory so you’re reliving it, and as you relive it, increase the brightness and notice
any changes in your emotions about that.
Now don’t bring the brightness up to blinding, but if you gradually increase the brightness, most
people notice that they feel more attracted to that experience or that picture. It has more impact on
them.
Now do this: Decrease the brightness slowly, slowly. Let it dim down until the image is hardly
visible and see how that changes your feelings about it. Then brighten it up again. Bring it back to
normal or better than normal (if you like that and it was a good experience for you).
There are some exceptions here. For instance, if your really pleasant memory involved candlelight,
then increasing the brightness might take the romantic feeling away. Similarly, if you had a yucky
feeling about being afraid of the dark and you make it dimmer, that’s not going to work because you’re
even more afraid of the dark because you can’t see.
So there are some places where brightness and dimness might work in the opposite way you expect,

but you’ll quickly discover when that’s the case and can readjust the brightness to give you a positive
effect. Now that you’ve experimented with brightness and associating, I’d like you to play with a
different memory in these same ways.
Take an unpleasant memory. Now do not associate into this; see it about five to ten feet away from
you in your mind’s eye, as if it were a movie, and notice how your feeling changes about that memory
when you do that, when you push it away from you a little bit and when you’re outside it.
Then dim the picture. Slowly turn the brightness down on the picture and notice the change in your
feelings. These are new sensations, so I don’t expect you to be moaning with ecstasy or shuddering in
horror. These are brand-new experiences and you need to get used to this. Your brain has been doing
this for you all of your life.
Now let’s try another one. From your vast scrapbook of pleasant memories, pick another really good
experience that you had in your life. This time, I’d like you to see the memory like a movie. If you had
a dozen memories like that, maybe you pick out one. What I’d like you to do with this pleasant
memory is increase its size and notice how that changes your feelings about it. Notice how you may
be more attracted to it as it gets larger.
And if you decrease its size so it’s smaller than other memory photos that you might have lying
around, you’ll notice it’s less noticeable and less attractive. It has less draw for you.
The sub-modalities of vision are fascinating. In addition to brightness, distance, and size (which we
played with), there are sub-modalities that involve color. You can have the contrast turned up so it’s
very harsh light and dark. There can be just a lot of gradations of gray and pastels or the colors can be
rich and vivid. An image may also be shifted from two-dimensional to three-dimensional. It can be
crystal clear or it can be fuzzy.
A picture can vary in scope; it can even appear with a boundary around it. Usually you don’t notice
these subtle distinctions.
When you think of a picture of a grandmother, immediately some image pops into your mind. I don’t
know what that image is, but if you study that image you’ll notice whether the image is in a context.
Do you see that person actually doing something? Is the picture moving? Is it still? And as you look at
the image, does it have a boundary around it? And is the boundary a formal frame or does it kind of
fade out or is it sort of irregular?
For additional demonstrations and/or examples, go to: http://eg.nlpco.com/2-4.
To make it easy to play with different adjustments, in the Bonus Activities for this chapter you’ll find
a chart of sub-modalities for vision, hearing, and feeling. Take notes about your experiments of
tinkering so you can identify which subtle distinctions make the biggest difference in your experience.

What’s Your Day Going to Be Like?

Sub-Modalities and Your Emotional State
Because you can influence your experience of the past, present, and future by fiddling with your submodalities, imagine how much more pleasant and compelling your life could be if tomorrow you
started to consciously shape your day. This is a self-management process that you can use to make
your life easier every day.
Here’s an example. When I wake up and I’m just coming to the planet, I ask myself five questions
before I let my feet hit the floor. My first question is “What am I looking forward to today?” The
second question is “Longer-term, what am I looking forward to?” Having something to look forward
to gives me and most people a sense of direction and purpose.
The third question is “Am I doing things that lead directly to my goals?” If the answer is no, then this
is an important area to explore because there’s no reason why anybody should be doing things that
don’t lead them to their goals. Some people who find themselves on an unproductive path discover
that their goals are unclear or not compelling.
When I ask this third question, I immediately hear the voices that have been in my head for decades
saying, “Well, I have to do it. I have responsibilities. I have commitments.” Right, we all do. Truth be
told, almost all of those responsibilities and commitments were voluntary. What you’re doing each
day should be managing your time and energy, because that’s the best thing you can do to support your
goals.
The fourth question is “Am I being my best friend and supporter right now?” Are you your own
cheerleader or your greatest critic? Research has shown that people who cheer themselves on
generally do better. They’re happier and they’re actually physically healthier than people who are
constantly criticizing themselves.
The fifth and final question is to scan your five senses and ask yourself, “Am I present in my body,
here and now, feeling what I feel, seeing what I see now, hearing what I hear, and am I enjoying the
gift of being alive?” Think about that. Are you in your head? Are you in your chest? Are you aware of
your whole body? Are you fully inhabiting it?
If you’re not in your body, you may be experiencing the kinds of negative feelings that hold some of us
back or hold all of us back some of the time. Let’s talk about when we’re not in our bodies. If I’m
feeling worried or anxious, I check myself to see if I’m in my body, and I find I’m really not. I’m often
in my head probably just thinking about the future and occupying some future space that’s unpleasant.
That’s how I rehearse worry, so the smart thing for me to do is to stop that and come back to being in
my body right now.
One way to stop this sort of free-floating is this very simple physical technique you can do almost
anywhere. I just take several deep breaths, focus my eyes upward, change my physiology (if I’m
sitting down, I stand up; if I’m standing, I sit down or stretch), and all of a sudden I’m back in my
body and in the present.

Now, when I look at that future worry, I disassociate from it. I make sure that the picture that I’m
seeing is away from me. This way I still have the information, but I can make notes and determine if I
need to make some changes or take some action. This physical and mental “reset” enables me to deal
with the concern constructively instead of being a victim of the experience.
The phenomenon and impact of sub-modalities is very powerful, and the shifts you make with them
can last a long time.

The Way You Do the Things You Do:
Understanding Motivation
Another important aspect to understanding how you work is to discover how you are motivated. A fun
way to explore this that is also sort of counterintuitive is to play with getting unstuck from
procrastination. Now, you may not have this issue, but many of us (especially entrepreneurs) do,
because we always have more on our to-do list than we seem to be able to get done.
When someone is stuck, they usually complain to a friend or walk into the therapist’s office saying, “I
can’t get anything done. I can’t do my taxes on time. My boss is yelling at me because I don’t turn my
expenses in on time. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, doc. Help. Can you fix me?”
At this point, they’re usually seeking help pretty late in the process. After all, by the time they’re
aware of the problem, which is being stuck, a whole lot of things have happened, right? Let’s take a
look at how that worked.
The idea is to reel back the movie to before the person was stuck. Being stuck is, after all, also a
behavior. If a person doesn’t do something, that’s also an activity. (Rosa Parks’s refusing to move
from her seat on a bus? Pretty profound activity that was.) They have to intend to do something and
then stop themselves.
Before that behavior, there was a feeling. There was a feeling of motivation to do something. It might
be to do something bad like eating too much chocolate or smoking too many cigarettes or giving in to
unfair demands or it might be to do something good such as doing work on time or being more
attentive to a friend.
So, when you’re exploring motivation and procrastination, go back to the time right before the
behavior and you’ll find a feeling. You may actually find a series of feelings that flicker by so rapidly
you’re not aware of them until you get stuck; then you get anxious about being stuck. So let’s go back
before you’re stuck. How did you get stuck?

Discovery Activity:
Exploring Roots of Procrastination
From my personal experience and the people that I’ve coached through the years, it’s clear that we all
generally have some sort of an image in our mind of what we want to do and then, alas, something
else comes up. It’s either an image or a voice that says, “But don’t. Wait. Wait a minute.”
The experience is going to be different for all of us, but what I’d like you to do is to find a time when
you wanted to do something and you didn’t do it right then. You hesitated, and you put it off. Maybe
you eventually got it done, but it was difficult for you. You either put it off or you did it by
overcoming huge internal resistance. Notice the picture you called up about this experience. Notice
any feelings this image brings up for you.
I’m pretty sure you don’t like that picture, and that you’d like to make it go away or alter it, so here’s
how to do that. As you look at that experience, keep going back to before. Keep going back before
until you get to a place where you fully had the intention to do whatever it was.
Now, if it was your intention to do it, if you wanted to do it, if you’re clear and congruent about that,
then you can move forward and find out where the block is. Let’s say that this task is something you
knew you needed to do, maybe you wanted to do, even if you were not going to like doing it, for
example, taking out the trash or flossing your teeth. After all, we do many things we don’t like, but we
know we’re going to do them because we need to do them. Yet this particular task wasn’t getting
done. Perhaps it had a deadline and as the deadline was approaching, you were getting more and
more nervous.
So go back, and there’s a point where your brain produced a cue that said, “I’m not going to do that
now.” What do you see? What feelings does that image bring up for you?
This picture and the feelings you have will provide you with insight into what’s underneath your
procrastination. As you are exploring, you may encounter a few cues that other people commonly
notice. The most innocent one is a distraction. It acts like an anesthetic. “Oh, I’m just going to do this
for a second,” and then you find that a couple of hours have flown by. These are just side trips that
take you away from your destination.
If that was something that happened for you, if you look very, very closely you’ll find that there was a
picture or a voice that suggested something distracting, like “Oh yeah, I really need something salty
right now. I’m going to go downstairs and make some soup,” or “I’m just going to check the Web.
There’s this one site that I need to check out. I’m going to go look at it now,” or there will be
somebody you intended to call. The important point is to find the moment that you went from intending
to do, to doing something else, and find the sequence of pictures, sounds, and/or feelings that you

experienced.

That Damn Report: An Example of Procrastination
Recently, I worked with a forty-three-year-old sales rep who felt that procrastination was becoming a
problem for her. She had to produce a report and waited until the very last minute—right before we
were scheduled to talk—to get it done. I could relate to her dilemma because putting off a report is
something I’m very familiar with. I was an expert at that when I ran my company. In my case, I put it
off because I just don’t like homework. I didn’t like it when I was in school and I don’t like it now.
The picture in my mind was a picture from the eighth grade of me doing fractions, which I hated. I
didn’t have much of a choice then, but I do now, so I sometimes find myself procrastinating.
When I asked my client what came up for her when she thought about putting off a report or a phone
call, she said, “If it hadn’t been for the deadline of talking with you, I probably wouldn’t have gotten
it done yet. One of the things is that I had to have money to go with it, so I had to make sure I had the
money. That’s always stressful. I guess it’s like you; it’s just this boring detail that I don’t like to do.”
Accepting her explanation would have been the easy path, but we persisted until she realized that she
saw a picture of an administrative assistant who used to do these reports. Now she feels frustrated
and resentful about not having someone to help her. She was stunned to find this clue to her
procrastination.

Two for the Road:
Tips for Uncovering Roots of Procrastination
Of course, determining a solution is a separate step, but identifying the clue to what’s at the root of
procrastination is the first thing. You want to find the image that’s linked to this behavior. And it’s not
always easy because the mind automates tasks. We’ve been doing certain things for years and no
longer notice them. We have to be patient and thorough to understand what’s underneath a behavior.
Here are two tips to keep in mind when you’re trying to identify what’s at the root of something
you’re procrastinating about.

Tip #1: Slow Down, Way Down
When you work on one of your issues, what I’d like you to do is to stretch out the point where you
procrastinate. Slow down the mental movie and run it in slow motion. Go from the point where you
intend to do something because it’s on your list to do, to the point where you put it off. In my client’s
case, this report was being done at the last moment. There was probably an earlier time when she

could have done it and it would have been easier and much more convenient for her, right?
So when you’re looking for that image or voice that stops you, put the movie in slow motion. Look for
the image first; then listen for “Not now. I don’t want to do it now.” Don’t think about the thought,
because the thought comes after the image. The image is being presented by the unconscious. In a
moment, I’m going to give you some ways to blast through that, but first I’d like to explore why
looking inside ourselves and finding the pictures and sounds in our heads is essential.
You have a right to do this exploration and adjustment. It’s your brain. There’s no reason why you
shouldn’t get in there and look around. It’s just a new skill. Just be patient and take your time. If you
examine anything in your life that you’ve been putting off, it’s likely that the reason you put it off is
that your brain is trying to protect you.
Now, it may be trying to protect you from something that bothered you when you were five, ten, or
fifteen years old or from something recent that was traumatic for you. Here’s the thing: when people
are doing this, it’s not because they’re broken; it’s because they’re working perfectly. When you put
something off, that’s perfect. You’re doing something very well. You’re doing it so well you can’t
change it by effort of will. That’s pretty impressive. So the solution is “Okay, let’s not fight anymore.
Let’s study the process and then find the detour point.”
Imagine for a moment that you had a paperwork task that you were putting off. I’ve had clients in this
situation, who once they saw the image, realized, “Oh, this is a cartoon. I’m sitting at this desk and
this pile of papers is like ten feet over my head. That’s ridiculous.” Or they saw an image like a
movie image, but it was right in front of them and it was larger than life and it was all this work they
had to do. Or they saw a piece of paper or stack of papers that was all messed up with scratch marks
on it and staples in the wrong place and pages torn, and it was really scandalous to turn in to anybody
because it was very poorly done. There are lots of ways that we have of making ourselves afraid to
do something and we’re not even aware we’re doing it.

Tip #2: Recognize Confusion for What It Really Is
In your process of trying to uncover the root of your procrastination, you may have moments where
you feel confused. What you need to know is that feeling confused is code. Confused usually means
either afraid or angry. It’s code; it’s protecting you. When you feel confused about something, if you
look around you’ll find there’s a feeling under there that’s probably even less pleasant than confused.
I invite you to, in your head, start running your movie in slow motion. Define the points of decisions,
and the points of decision are not where the feelings are. They’re before the feelings came up.
Remember, the structure goes like this: you have a thought, you make a meaning out of it, then you
have an emotion, and then you do the behavior.
For now, let’s not worry about changing behavior. That’s the wrong end of the lever. We need to work
backward, because the easiest thing to manipulate is the image or trigger itself; there’s no feeling

attached there. There’s no risk. I want to give you a couple images that you can play with right now
that could make things easier without all this kind of archaeology.

Discovery Activity:
Reducing Internal Resistance
Procrastination is a form of resistance. Here’s another effective strategy that works well with
resistance. It’s called the “Godiva Chocolate Pattern” and it doesn’t really have to do with Godiva
chocolate (unless that’s your favorite thing). Here’s how to work with this process.
I want you to make two images. The first image I want you to make is of your favorite thing to do. I
would say not sex, because that involves somebody else, so make this something that you might do on
your own—whether it’s eating Godiva chocolate, being in a boat fishing, playing solitaire on your
smartphone—something that you really enjoy doing. Remember what it was like to do that and what it
will be like to do that again. Actually be in that image so you have the feeling of what that’s like.
Once you’ve got it, put that image out in front of you a ways. Then, between that image and you put the
image of the task you’ve been putting off, only see that task disassociated. In other words, that it’s just
a picture. It’s a still picture of the task, however you represent it—whether you see yourself doing it
or whether you just see the task itself as a pile of papers, a cluttered garage, a tax form to be
completed, a dirty cat box, or a phone call that needs to be made—whatever it is. Just see the task
itself.
Now, right in the center of your picture of the task, make a little pinhole so you can see your favorite
thing that’s behind the task. Notice how the picture is brighter. You can see through it. Open the
pinhole a little bit so you can see that really good thing. Open it until you get the feeling of the really
good activity. As soon as you get that feeling, hold on to that feeling and start closing that pinhole. If
the feeling starts to go away, open it up again until the good feeling gets strong.
This is a simple but very powerful motivation process well worth practicing repeatedly so you can
more easily accomplish whatever you want. Review the step-by-step process at a time when you’re
alone and can get in touch with your feelings without being interrupted.
For now, here’s a quick summary of the process. The strategy is based on the picture that’s behind the
task. The task is between you and the thing you want to do. You just open up a little window in the
task so you can see through it to the thing you want to do, a thing you love doing. This window
becomes your iris that opens until you begin to get the emotional connection to the thing you like to
do, then you very slowly close it down. What will happen is your motivation will blast you through
that task. It’ll change your relationship to the task. Guaranteed.

For additional demonstrations and/or examples, go to: http://eg.nlpco.com/2-7.
As I said earlier, these techniques are a technology, not voodoo; so you should test them ruthlessly.
Do this process and then set it aside and ask yourself, “How do I feel now about that dirty cat box,
cluttered garage, report, phone call, or whatever it is. Do I feel any better about it? Am I more likely
to do it?” If you don’t feel better, go back and try this process again.

Been Down Too Long?
The Power of Inner Voices and the “Auditory Swish”
Based on hundreds of clients that I’ve personally worked with and thousands of clients that my
trainers have described, we’ve learned that anxiety, jealousy, fear, and irritation (those energizing
emotions) are frequently visually oriented. Yet when we feel depressed or discouraged, these
downbeat feelings are generally from an auditory cue, a voice in our head. Here’s a way to notice
that and deal with it.

Discovery Activity:
Removing Negative Auditory Cues
I’d like you to listen for an internal voice, a voice that maybe crops up and discourages you from
doing something, or robs you of your self-confidence. It’s completely arbitrary and automatic. These
are artifacts from our early lives that we’ve generally outgrown, but the voices are still hanging in
there. They’re just echoing away because we never turned them off.
So go inside and notice what voice you hear. Here’s an easy way to find it. Take the feeling that you
have that’s a downbeat feeling: discouragement, shame, sorrow, or even some negative self-talk, like
“I can’t do this,” or “Nothing good ever happens to me.” If you listen very carefully, you may hear
somebody else’s voice talking to you.
One thing to notice is what direction it’s coming from. We have two ears because humans are
designed to localize sound; so it’s going to be coming to you from above and behind you or from one
side or from the other side. You may start out thinking that it’s coming from inside of you. But even if
you’re talking to yourself, the voice is coming from someplace and it’s interesting to notice where it
is.
When we talk to ourselves, the voice is generally coming straight at us. (In a moment, you’ll learn
how to change that.) If it’s somebody else’s voice—a father’s, teacher’s, or coach’s (as it was in my

case)—then it’s typically coming in from one side or the other, and generally behind you and above
you, because these voices were recorded when you were small.
In many cases, what you hear is something that was or has been repeated. It could be an unkind
comment, like “You’re lazy.” It may have been repeated over and over or said only once, but it just
rattled on in your head. Any time you need to move out a voice that isn’t working on your behalf,
follow these steps. Let’s go through the highlights so you can do it. Although detailed instructions are
provided as part of a link at the end of this chapter, try it now if you want to.
First, get your brain to hear that voice, and as soon as it hears it, as soon as the first sound starts,
press the volume control so it quickly fades out; it doesn’t even complete the first word. You can’t
even understand the first word. It just fades out completely. That’s Step 1.
Step 2 is fun. You know how in a restaurant or an airport or movie theater, you’ve looked up and just
glanced in someone’s eyes as they walked past and you have an idea about that person. “That person
has a good sense of humor, that’s nice,” or “I wouldn’t want to make that person mad,” but you get
some knowledge or impression of that person.
What I’d like you to do is to create an image of yourself, the you that’s reading this book, just a half
step ahead of this moment. Have this person, this future you, facing you. When you look into this
person’s eyes, into this “you,” the only difference is you see that this person doesn’t have that voice.
You can just look at them and know that. Now note that they are saying something to you.
They’re either saying, “I feel good about myself,” or “I feel safe.” You choose the statement, one or
the other, and that comes right at you but it doesn’t go into your head. It sort of rings around your head.
You know how when you run a wet finger around the lip of a crystal glass, it makes the sound of a
bell ringing? Well, this is like a crystal bell that’s upside down over your head, maybe at eye level, so
the rim is at eye level and this sound is ringing around and around and around your head. Hear it now:
“I feel safe. I feel safe. I feel safe,” or “I feel good about myself. I feel good about myself. I feel good
about myself.” This is the future you. This is the wonderful you who no longer has that negative voice
in your head. That’s Step 2.
Step 3 is the sound of the surf to wash it all away. As you listen now, you can hear it just like the
waves sizzling on the sand, and then it repeats. As soon as the voice starts, that first yucky word, it
just fades out and turns into “I feel safe. I feel safe,” or “I feel good about myself,” and then the sound
of the surf, and then the steps repeat. This easy and effective process is called the “Auditory Swish,”
which was originally developed by Richard Bandler.
As the CEO of a manufacturing firm, I learned that frustration, irritation, and anxiety were my
occupational hazards. I always seemed to feel one of these emotions (which, as you might imagine, is
not ideal for someone with employees). Because I was signing people’s paychecks, it made them feel
uneasy when I was difficult or short with them or someone else. When I noticed these feelings or
behaviors, I tapped on the brakes and checked in with myself to see what was going on. If it was an
image that cued up some negative emotions, then I shifted my experience by playing with my visual

sub-modalities. If I was hearing a negative or critical voice, I’d use the “Auditory Swish Process.”

Emotions as Passengers, Not Drivers:
Choosing and Changing Your State
Feelings really are just options and I’ve seen people make important shifts when they treat their
feelings as options instead of as things they have to endure. As you learn and experiment with the
information in this book, you will gain significant influence over how you feel from day to day or
moment to moment. You get to make choices here. How much of a difference that will make for you
depends on how much time and energy you put into using these skills.
As you get more and more tuned in to how you feel, it will become easier to go back behind the
feeling to notice the image or the sound that triggered the emotion, or the body feeling. During the next
couple of days, I encourage you to notice the emotions you’re having and to immediately explore
what’s behind them. Ask yourself: “When did that start? What was I thinking just before that started?”
First, you’ll find the thinking you’re aware of, then look beneath that. “Was there any image in there
or was there any sound that teed up the feeling? Was I making a comment to myself that sort of biased
me . . . flavored things . . . and took the energy out of something . . . or made me particularly happy?”
You’re likely to find that you’re talking to yourself all the time and so are other voices. I don’t know
about you, but I’ve got a whole Greek chorus of voices in my head that are chiming in, spontaneously
noticing things and commenting, in some way, on everything. You’ll also find there are lots of images
flashing that you largely ignore. After all, if we pay too much attention to these movies in our heads,
we’ll never get anything done. But they are, in fact, going on all the time. As you become aware of
them, you can make changes. The good news is that, given a better choice, your brain will continue to
choose that better option.

Curiosity: A Preferred State
Once I learned NLP, here’s what I did to address my personal frustrations, irritations, and anxieties. I
call it the “Curiosity Shunt Installation.” (Refer to the link at the end of this chapter to access a
detailed summary of this process.) I did some research on emotions and I found that the emotion of
curiosity is really a curious emotion. It’s a very neutral and engaging emotion that affords you greater
flexibility.
All parts of the body like curiosity. Curiosity actually helps grow T cells! It helps grow new synapses
in the brain so the immune system gets stronger. People function better when they’re engaged and
curious.
When you’re curious about something, a lot of the blocking self-talk and images go away. Once you’re

curiously exploring the answer to something, it’s amazing how a lot of negative stuff just disappears
and how this state of information-gathering opens people to new possibilities.
Here’s what used to happen for me when I was managing a manufacturing company. When I got
frustrated, I would think of what was frustrating me. A vendor didn’t ship a part on time so we
couldn’t meet our manufacturing deadline, so we were going to be late shipping stuff. We were going
to get a bad reputation. Then I’d start all over again. “Well, the vendor wouldn’t ship on time, so yada
yada yada,” and it was a loop.
The more I did the loop, the more frustrated I got. As you might imagine, I did the same thing with
feeling irritated or feeling anxious. “Suppose this goes wrong. Then this would happen and this would
happen. Then suppose this goes wrong. This would happen and this would happen.” Same damn loop.
You get the picture.
I thought it would be really nice for me if, as soon as I became aware that I was stirring up one of
these negative, unresourceful, and unproductive states, I would remind myself that I could be curious
instead.
So immediately I’d think, “That would be really nice. As soon as I start feeling irritated, I’m going to
get curious about the cause of this irritation.”
Well, that put me in a whole different frame because then I was curious about the cause of the
irritation rather than mad at it. And I’d want to know what caused that irritation. Was it me? Was it the
other guy? Was it something I missed somewhere? Could I have done it better? How could I change
it? How could I make peace? What curiosity did was kick my brain onto a completely different track.
Sound good to you? I hope it does. Because it resonated for me, I studied how frustration, irritation,
and anxiety worked in me. I began to notice exactly how each of these feelings began. Then I looked
at what happened just before that.
You may be surprised to discover that it’s not different experiences that create these familiar feelings.
It’s not “Well, it was this vendor, it was that guy.” No, no, no. It’s not that. It’s actually what you said
to yourself about that or it’s the picture you made about that. The emotions are triggered by a cue. The
cue is going to be the same even though the stimulus is going to be completely different because the
cue leads you to the emotion. It’s so well rehearsed, it happens really fast. It’s a flash just like
greased lightning.
Because it’s a fast, automated process, it’s sometimes difficult to find what’s driving us. The only
way to do it is to slow things down, take a few deep breaths, and run the mental movie at half speed,
quarter speed, or 10 percent speed really slowly, back before you had the feeling. And to discover,
just before you had the feeling, what happened.
You’ll be amazed and amused. You’ll find there will be an image or a phrase that will trigger you, so
here’s what you want to do. If it’s a phrase, as soon as it comes up, press the volume control on the
machine so the voice quickly fades out. If it’s an image, you can use a Visual Swish. Go to

http://eg.nlpco.com/2-5.
In both cases, here’s what you want to see: Right in front of you is the wonderful you. Here’s you
without this problem. This you is perfect. He or she is dressed just like you are at the time, but this
you is curious. “Hmm, I wonder what started that? That’s very interesting.” This you has a look of
curiosity on his face. The facial expression this you has is one of sincere curiosity.
What this other you says is “Wow, I wonder what started that?” Then you have either the sound of a
wave to interrupt the old pattern or, if you can actually see this other you, you can have a flash of
white appear, like what happens when the film breaks in the movie theater. You need a blank screen.
You need a break before the cycle starts again. So try that.
Again, the step-by-step directions for the “Curiosity Shunt Installation” can be found by following the
link at the end of the chapter. And, to quickly summarize, it’s three steps. You find the cue for the
emotion, you start to destroy the cue, and you immediately replace it with a future you who doesn’t
have this issue and who’s curious. Play with this process and you’ll experience a profound shift.

Depression: Auditory Cues That Hold the Story
Earlier in this chapter, I mentioned that negative feelings are often linked to an auditory cue. Before I
give you some tips to deal with depression, let me start by saying that I’ve really shifted my attitude
about it. I’ve lived with people who have clinical depression and I’ve suggested they see a doctor
and get a psychoreactive drug, because depression can result from a physical ailment. If depression is
long-lasting, take it seriously whether it’s in you or in a friend, and seek professional help. Before I
learned about depression, I used to think, “Well, just tough it out.” Now that I see how painful and
debilitating depression is, I’m much more sympathetic to how difficult it is to cope with.
With depression, it’s also important to reframe its purpose, and here’s what I mean by that.
Depression is illogical. To become depressed, we have to take a problem or bad news and we have
to make it personal (it’s only happening to us); we have to make it pervasive (it happens no matter
where we are, no matter what); and it happens forever (it’s permanent).
We call these conditions the 3 P’s: personal, pervasive, and permanent. They’re the way someone
achieves depression. Depression is when a person takes discouragement and makes a habit out of it,
which is a really painful way to go through life.
If you’re feeling down, that the world is against you, or that nothing is ever going to work out, go
inside and explore what’s happening. As you do this, remember there is no inner enemy. Even if
you’re feeling lousy and you don’t know why you’re feeling lousy, it’s wise to assume that there’s a
positive reason for that. Something inside is trying to do you some good, even though you feel lousy.
Listen to the inner voice. If the inner voice is a broken record that’s just going over and over and over
again, there are two things you can do. One is to disassociate: stop being in the picture and get outside

the picture so you can see yourself in it. If it’s a voice, let the voice talk to you from across the room.
Make the voice more seductive or make it sleepy. Make it a child’s voice that yawns. Maybe it’s time
for it to take a nap.
Your objective is to find out what’s going on in your head to produce the emotion, and then to
interfere with that sequence. Now you can experiment with different changes to your sub-modalities
until you experience some relief to heaviness, darkness, weighty silence, or whatever stored
information you discovered.

Shaping Your Experience:
The Habit of Fine-Tuning Sub-Modalities
We’ve covered a lot of ground in this chapter, but you can reread it or review the key points and/or
follow the link at the end of this chapter to get detailed summaries of the processes. What we’ve been
doing here is exploring the pictures, sounds, and feelings in our own brains. Finding them is
sometimes the tricky part. But once you begin to find them, you’ll start looking and listening more
intently. You’ll notice the difference in location, the difference in size, the difference in brightness,
intensity, and all the aspects of pictures, sounds, or feelings.
As you examine these different representations and tinker with one of the qualities, you’ll discover
that your responses and emotions will change. As I said earlier in this chapter, sub-modalities are
called the “molecules of meaning” because they’re what give us the meaning. It’s a little weird how
you get a meaning from a picture that’s bright or a picture that’s dull, but part of you says, “Good.
That’s the way I like it.” This is the way your brain has bookmarked everything!
You can enhance or reduce the impact any picture, sound, or feeling has on your experience. If, for
example, you have a positive emotion and you look inside and realize, “Yeah, I’ve just looked at my
kids and they’re playing by the pool,” or “I’m at a family barbecue,” or “I’m with buddies playing
cards,” or “I’m with the girls out having coffee,” or whatever it is, if it feels good, make it brighter.
See if you can make it even better.
If it feels bad, then get disassociated from the picture. Make it small, push it away from you, and
notice how that reduces your negative state.
Over the next several days, step into your own mind, and pay attention to the positive and negative
states you experience. Explore what goes on in your head when you have these feelings. Notice the
images, sounds, and feelings, then use the tools you’ve learned in this chapter to change them. It’s fun
and the results are amazing.
Ready to learn more about living in the zone? Then, read on.

Key Ideas
•

The brain operates pretty much on its own, and its focus is survival. The mind is able to
focus on more than just survival; it affords us the opportunity to create and choose from a
myriad of options.

•

The Well-Formed Outcome process is a deceptively simple set of six key questions that
enables its users to flesh out and evaluate a goal before committing to it and a course of
action.

•

Feeling uncertain or conflicted can be an internal signal called incongruence. If the conflict
is about something unpleasant or something that goes against someone’s values,
incongruence can be like a smoke alarm. There may not actually be a fire, but it’s prudent to
determine what set it off.

•

The structure of experience is based on five representational systems called modalities:
pictures, sounds, feelings, tastes, and smells.

•

Each modality has different qualities, subtle distinctions that are called sub-modalities. For
example, some sub-modalities of vision are: location, brightness, and size.

•

Sub-modalities impact how someone experiences a memory. By changing a sub-modality, a
person can alter their experience, making it more positive, neutral, or negative.

•

Associating into the picture usually makes the impact of seeing the image more intense
(either positive or negative) for the person. Recalling difficult memories in a disassociated
way reduces the emotional charge and makes it easier to get the information related to that
situation.

•

Feeling an emotion is just an option.

•

Most of our emotions, interpretations, and reactions are so well rehearsed that they’re
automatic and the initial “cause” is out of our awareness. To understand what’s going on
with you, slow down the mental movie so you can more easily discover the “cue” (picture,
sound, feeling, taste, or smell) that produced a feeling.

•

When striving to discover a specific “cue,” some people may discover they are distracted
or confused. Often, these reactions are just detours taking you away from the real
destination.

•

To improve your focus and productivity, consider asking yourself the following questions at
the beginning of every day.
1.
2.
3.

What am I looking forward to today?
Longer term, what am I looking forward to?
Am I doing things that lead directly to my goals?

4.
5.
•

Am I being my best friend and supporter?
Am I in my body and enjoying the gift of being alive?

Someone can feel depressed when the three P’s are at work: personal, pervasive, and
permanent. Depressed people may benefit from exploring related auditory cues and
tinkering with those sub-modalities.

To enhance the skills you learned in this chapter, check out the recommended Bonus Activities at our
special “Essential Guide” website: http://eg.nlpco.com/2-10 or use the QR code with your phone.
This link includes a summary of the “Curiosity Shunt Installation.”

Discoveries, Questions, Ideas, and Stuff You Want to Work On

CHAPTER THREE: LIVING IN “THE ZONE”

Whoa, is my brake on?

Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels
are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values
are in balance.
—Brian Tracy

Some conversations, some projects, some relationships, and some days seem effortless—and most
of us prefer to operate in that optimal zone. So in this chapter, you’ll learn how to improve your
energy, confidence, focus, and productivity. You’ll discover how to remove energy obstacles,
increase your ability to persevere, amp up your enthusiasm and optimism, and much more.

High or Low? How Expectations Impact Performance
The expectations we have shape our experiences. They can make us feel as though something is a
piece of cake, a worthwhile challenge, or an impossible dream, right?
Let’s say, for example, that you’d like to change jobs. You might say to yourself, “I could easily
change jobs because it’s never been a problem to do that before.” Or “It will be interesting to see
what attractive opportunities are out there and how I can use my connections to help me find what I’m
looking for.” Or you might feel discouraged before you even begin because it took your best friend, a
talented professional in your field, eight months to find a decent job. Notice how these very different
perspectives and expectations would influence what it’s like to explore various employment
opportunities.
This dynamic is at work in our lives all the time. Yet quite often our expectations are out of our
awareness—and they may not even be accurate! Even so, they can be very powerful. So, how can we
make expectations work to our advantage? Let’s play with a simple example.

Discovery Activity:
Exploring Your Expectations
This activity will show you that your expectations are imaginary. Please stand up. For this exercise,
choose an area where you have the space and privacy to move freely. (If you are reading this where
you have an audience, either go someplace where you can do this alone, or wait until later.)
Stand with your feet stationary—about shoulder width apart. Now, extend your right arm straight out
from the right side of your body, then rotate your torso gradually to the left. Bring your arm around to
the left as far as it can go. Using the hand and arm that’s now across your body, point to the farthest
place in your rotation—and notice where that is. Then come back around.
This is a very simple but helpful exercise because it teaches your body something important. An old
Maori wisdom says that knowledge is only rumor unless it’s in the muscle. This honors the difference
between seeing and doing.
Now, as you’re standing still—relaxed and breathing easily—just imagine that you can simply rotate
your torso and arm farther to the left than you did just a moment ago. Just imagine what it would feel
like if you were able to loosen up your torso and your shoulders so your right arm came much farther
around to the left.
Now actually extend your right arm—and swing it around slowly to the left. Just for fun, find out how
far you can go this time. Don’t bend your elbow. No cheating. Just notice that because you imagined
going farther, you probably did go farther. It might not have been 50 percent farther, but it was
certainly farther than you went the first time—even though the first time I asked you to turn as far as
you could and I believe that you consciously intended to do that.

In the Mind’s Eye: The Power of Mental Rehearsal
What’s important to take away from this is that whenever something takes place in the mind first,
you’re likely to have a better performance—simply because you’ve already tested the reality of it. In
fact, top athletes visually rehearse their performance as part of their workouts and preparation. To test
the power of this phenomenon, Professor L. V. Clark of Wayne State University conducted a study in
the 1960s to determine the effects of visualization on the free-throw performance of basketball
players.
In the study, first the athletes were tested to determine their free-throw proficiency. Next, they were
randomly assigned to one of three experimental groups. The first group went to the gym every day and
practiced doing free-throws for one hour. The second group also went to the gym, but instead of
physically practicing, they laid down and simply visualized successfully shooting free-throws. The
third group did nothing. In fact, they were instructed to forget about basketball and told, “Don’t touch
a basketball—don’t even think about it!”

What happened was interesting. At the end of thirty days, the three groups were tested again to
determine their current free-throw proficiency. The players who hadn’t practiced at all showed no
improvement in performance; many in that group actually exhibited a decline in performance. Those
who had physically practiced one hour each day showed a performance increase of 24 percent. And
the visualization group, by merely imagining themselves successfully shooting free-throws, improved
23 percent!
Researchers concluded that visualization enhanced motor coordination and intrinsic motivation.
Bottom line? You can improve your performance by mentally and/or physically rehearsing a task or
interaction to expand and refine your expectations.

In Sync: The Link Between Physiology and Energy
The first thing I want you to consider about energy is that the mind, the body, and the brain work
together—they’re in concert. So it’s important to use the body in a conscious way because it will
affect the mind. Let’s work on enhancing your physiology right now because it will help you feel more
energetic and get more out of the rest of this chapter.

Tip #1: Breathe into It
If you straighten your spine, even in this moment as you’re reading—straighten your spine, bring your
chin up slightly, and breathe deeply and slowly—two things will happen. First, the rhythms in your
brain will begin to deepen. You’ll start to relax, and oddly enough, you will also increase the level of
your intention. This is an example of energetic physiology.
Just as conscious breathing is a technique to enhance the harmony of brain and physiology, there are
other ways to minimize the impact of energy obstacles. In addition to deep breathing, here are a few
things you can easily do that will raise your energy level and keep you living in the zone.

Tip #2: Hydrate Your System and Your Brain
The second simple energy improvement tip is to drink plenty of water. Today, most Americans and
Europeans are dehydrated. In previous eras, in which we were outside and our lives were more
physical, we would drink water every time we had a chance. Now we confuse our bodies with
coffee, tea, and sodas, which are all diuretics. Drinking pure water hydrates the brain and that
actually increases the speed with which you can transfer nerve impulses. It also keeps your energy up,
smooths out your digestion, and helps your skin. Like exercise, this is a simple practice that will pay
immediate and long-term dividends.

Tip #3: Break Tasks into Small Bites
The third strategy, based on the Pomodoro Technique, is to take a physical and mental break. About
every twenty minutes, change your posture and get out of your seat. If you work sitting down, get up. If
you work walking around, sit down. Take a brief break about every twenty minutes—and a longer one
about every two hours. The positive effect on productivity is so apparent that many people set a timer
to remind them to shift their physiology—and avoid the temptation of “Oh, just another ten minutes
. . .” which can easily turn into an hour or more!
This technique has such a good track record of increasing energy and productivity that many
management consulting firms have adopted this approach. Basically, all you need is a timer, your list
of to-dos, and your appointment schedule so you can divide your work into twenty-minute segments
with breaks in between. This way, you’re working in thirty-minute blocks. That’s more manageable,
right?
This method increases productivity by guaranteeing that you take some kind of break to refresh. By
committing to shorter, focused work states, you’ll find you can stay at it. If you don’t challenge
yourself to be hard at it for hours on end—and you instead truly focus for a short time—you’ll
discover that you can be even more productive.

Tip #4: Notice and Reduce Resistance
In the last chapter, you began to explore how incongruence and resistance affect you. Resistance and
coping with it can take a toll on your energy and really slow you down. It’s like driving with the
parking brake on. You use a lot of extra gas and rubber getting around this way. You wouldn’t
consciously choose to do this, would you? However, all too often, we do this physically, emotionally,
and energetically.
Imagine for a moment that there’s a task you need to do—and every time you think about it you just
feel sapped. This used to happen to me a lot. I left high school because I couldn’t stand doing
homework. It’s an irony that I now make a living writing—it’s actually something I’ve come to really
relish. Here’s what’s funny. Even though I enjoy the process of writing, I don’t enjoy contemplating
it. When I contemplate a task that requires me to sit down in front of a computer, part of me says, “I
don’t want to come in. I don’t want to stop playing. I don’t want to come indoors yet”—just like a
little kid. Perhaps something like this happens internally for you, too.

Roadblock Removal: “Eye Movement Integration”
When an energy drop like this occurs, it’s your system saying that some part of you isn’t completely
on board with doing that task, making that call, meeting with that person, exercising, or whatever it is.

Your emotion about the task ahead may feel like a roadblock that you can’t figure out how to get
around. “Eye Movement Integration” is a quick and easy nonverbal way to handle this kind of
challenge.
Here’s the way it works: Your brain is processing and storing huge amounts of information quickly; it
does this by divvying it up and storing different types of information in different places. In fact, it
“files” things into six different sections. For now, it’s just important to know that as you move your
eyes into these different sections, you’re actually accessing the parts of the brain where various
memories and details are stored. The fundamental version of the process you’re about to learn is
derived from Steve and Connirae Andreas’s “Eye Movement Integration” model.

Discovery Activity:
Decreasing Resistance or Trauma
To get started, you’ll need a pen or pencil that has a tip that is a different color from the shaft—or the
end with the eraser can also work well. Once you have this pen or pencil, keep it handy because
you’ll need it in a minute.
Now think of something that you need to do, but when you imagine doing whatever it is, you feel your
energy drop. Using a 1–10 scale, with 10 being really resistant, how strong is your resistance to doing
this task? Just make a mental note of that.
Now pick up that pencil and hold it out in front of your face about twelve to fourteen inches away
from your eyes. You can easily see the tip, right? And recall that task you need to do—but also don’t
want to do. It could be making a presentation . . . paying bills . . . confronting a friend . . . exercising
. . . whatever it is that you’re not particularly keen about doing. Imagine that you can simply put that
feeling of resistance right on the tip of the pencil that’s out in front of you.
Now look at that point and keep your head very still. In a moment, using the pencil, you’re going to
slowly draw a sideways figure 8 in the air so it looks something like this.

As you’re doing this, you’re going to keep your head very still and allow just your eyes to follow the
tip of the pencil.
Start now and move your hand—slowly drawing that sideways figure 8. So as you’re making the first
right hand loop, you’re moving the tip around and down. And as you are approaching the middle part
where the center lines would intersect, make this movement an upward sweep. As the tip with that
feeling on it comes in front of the tip of your nose, just go up and then continue the left-hand loop—
going around to the outside and down—and then back up through the middle as you make the next
right-hand loop.
As you make the next loops, gradually raise the figure 8 higher and bring it down lower, so the loops
you’re making are at the edge of what your eyes can see comfortably, and bring it back to the center.
Make at least five complete figure 8 loops.
Once you’ve completed at least five figure 8s, stop and notice how you’re feeling now. Using a 1–10
rating, how does the feeling of resistance you have now compare to the one you had at the beginning?
How much has it improved? Make a mental note of that.
If the feeling is not as bothersome, but you’d like it to be even less so, put that feeling on the tip of the
pencil and make five additional figure 8s. Again keeping your head still, allowing your eyes to simply
follow the movement of the tip as you go around each outer loop and down . . . and then up through the
middle. Once you’ve completed these additional figure 8s, check and see how the bothersome feeling
has been reduced.
You should notice an immediate change. This is not something that takes days, weeks, or months to
shift. Because brains move fast and generally prefer comfort, they’re quick to adopt things that are
more comfortable and more efficient—and the changes are literally instantaneous!
Now, do the same process, this time using a circle instead of a figure 8. This is a kind of a doublecheck or cleanup version. Do it three or four times, paying particular attention to whether there are
any points in the circle where your movement seems to hesitate or stutter. If you notice any kind of
hesitation like this, do the pattern a few more times until the movement is smooth and symmetrical
through the whole pattern.
This process can be used to reduce minor resistance or to take the sharp edges off a physical or
emotional trauma. Although you can easily and beneficially do this process with yourself, you may
want to do this to help someone else. If you were talking with a friend who was feeling irritated or
dreading an upcoming task, you could just say, “Let’s try something and see if it works.” Simply
follow these same steps and see what kind of positive shift they make.
Just remember, the key is to move slowly. And make sure that when you cross the center you’re
always moving in an upstroke, not a downstroke. Don’t move any faster than the other person’s eyes
can go. As you do this and watch their eyes, you’ll probably notice that they’re following your pen
smoothly, but at some point in the figure 8 pattern, their eyes may skip. They may just sort of jump to
the next point. That’s where the person’s “glitch” is—where they’ve stored the troubling information.

Your goal is to do this and help them smooth out that rough point—so they can follow the lines of your
figure 8 smoothly, without interruption.
Here’s the theory. By moving a person’s eyes through all six sections of where the brain stores
information, the information that’s troubling them (which has been stored in one spot and perhaps is
stored in a distorted way) gets mainstreamed by holding that event in mind. And as their eyes move
through all the areas of the brain where data can be stored, it seems to smooth out the glitch and
reduce the emotional charge of whatever was troubling them. This technique is used quite
successfully with people who’ve been victims of crime or abuse and with veterans suffering posttraumatic stress disorder.
For additional demonstrations and/or examples, go to: http://eg.nlpco.com/3-4.
Getting in the habit of noticing and adjusting your physiology and internal resistance allows you to
maximize your physical and emotional energy.

Not Just Pollyanna:
How Energy, Enthusiasm, and Optimism Act as Drivers
Energy, enthusiasm, and optimism are important drivers; they influence how we feel—and are
responsible for how we actually get moving.
As you have become more proficient at going inside yourself, you’ve been noticing various feelings
. . . then going back behind those feelings to find what triggered them . . . and asking yourself, “What
triggered that—was it an image—was it a word or tone . . . ?” You’ve learned to slow down your
personal mental movies and explore what your process has been.
To help you apply your new understandings to enhance your optimism and enthusiasm, I invite you to
set up an inner barometer that will regularly assess, “What’s my level of optimism today? How am I
feeling about this? Am I enthusiastic? Am I looking forward to things? Am I happy? Am I grateful?”
Get creative and give yourself some kind of scale so you easily notice these positive drivers. You can
also choose, if you wish, to play with your sub-modalities, as described in the last chapter, to feel
even more enthusiastic.

Motivation in Action
Motivation is a close relative of enthusiasm. Let’s say that you have something to do—like organizing
your financial records to do your taxes—and you don’t know how to make yourself do it. People
typically motivate themselves one of two ways. They do it either by creating anxiety or imagining a
positive experience. These are pretty different strategies, aren’t they?
So, if you’re someone who uses anxiety to get into gear, you might imagine not getting everything done

by the deadline, not being able to find a specific receipt, having your accountant tell you you’ve
missed the extension date, or getting an audit letter from the IRS. All of these negative imaginings
produce anxiety—and adrenaline. However, some people get so anxious that they kind of just freeze
up and they can’t get anything done.
Fortunately, there is a simple alternative to stirring ourselves into a negative (or even frozen) state,
and that is to hold a positive expectation. How do you motivate yourself most of the time? Here’s a
way you can find out.

Discovery Activity:
Understanding Your Motivation
Think for a moment. Consider how you got yourself up this morning. What did you actually do to get
up? What did you say to yourself upon first awakening that kept you from rolling over and going back
to sleep? What did you say to yourself—or imagine—to get out of bed and begin your day? Just take a
look at that and see what comes up for you. What motivators were at work with you? Make a note of
these.
Getting out of bed may seem like a mundane example of motivation. Yet it’s an important one because
each of us has to do it every day. Understanding how you do that can provide you with insight into
how you motivate yourself in other situations.
For most of my life, I wasn’t much of a morning person. And yet I was almost always expected to be
somewhere in the morning. So I’d hear the alarm, open one eye, and see what time it was. Then I’d
usually say to myself, “Ugh, I better get up. I don’t want to get stuck in traffic and end up being late.”
As you can see, I used negative pictures to keep from hitting the snooze alarm.
In contrast, a thirty-four-year-old client of mine, who’s an artist, described her experience of waking
up like this: “When I open my eyes in the morning, I first look for the dog. When she looks at me and
we connect visually, it gives me energy to reach out and pet her. Then, after a couple of minutes, I get
up and go to the bathroom. Then I’m up and awake . . . everything is fine . . . and I’m ready to begin
my day. When I see my dog, that connection—the love and affection she has for me—gives me energy
to do anything when I wake up in the morning.” My client, Ellie, gets started by a positive see-feel
strategy.
Even though I’m still not a morning person, I’ve changed my getting-up strategy since I learned NLP.
When I fall asleep, I’m telling myself about something I’m looking forward to doing the next day. It
might be making breakfast with my wife, working with a specific client, going for a leisurely walk—
whatever it is, there’s always something to look forward to.

If you find that you are currently using a stressful strategy for getting out of bed, I recommend that you
not abandon it until you have something that works equally well. It’s usually safest to start playing
with a pleasure-based strategy for waking up on weekends or doing nonessential projects. Then you
can see how you can also create a more positive set of feelings to get you up and out of bed on
workdays or ready to tackle more critical projects. To get the best results from your experiments, use
what you’ve learned about sub-modalities to enhance your feelings.
Generally, when people look ahead to something pleasant, the folks that do it effectively do it in an
associated fashion. They actually can feel themselves doing that thing. So when I get up in the
morning and I can feel what it’s like to be sitting at the kitchen table watching my wife make her tea, I
feel happy and pleasantly energized. When I imagine taking a walk, seeing the trees along the path,
running into neighbors who are walking their dogs, I’m sure to do this in an associated fashion so I
can feel the movement of my feet, the sun on my face, the dog’s fur against my palm, and I am
beginning to feel energized.
Unfortunately, sometimes people get it sort of backward. For example, if they have something
unpleasant planned, like going to the doctor or the tax guy, they do that associated, and anything
pleasant they do disassociated. Sounds painful, doesn’t it? And it’s probably unnecessarily so.
Here’s what I recommend. Instead of imagining, in an associated fashion, the penalty of something
possibly going badly, imagine (again in an associated fashion) the payoff of a potentially positive
result. For example, you can do this two ways. You can focus on having gotten something done. And
even if it’s something that might be yucky or tedious for you, you can still imagine how good it will
feel. Or imagine how good you’ll feel about yourself when you’ve made some progress, or completed
your task, right?
You can also notice the little sort of substeps involved in getting something completely done, and
what pleasure you can find in each of these. Oddly enough, as in the case of preparing your tax
information, there can be satisfaction in finding and organizing the receipts and bank statements . . . in
coming up with an accurate total for a set of expenses . . . in filling out a whole section of the tax
worksheet. You get the picture—in every task, there are lots of potential little victories on the way to
the finish line.
And as you’re performing a difficult task, imagine how good it’s going to be to get it done. Be sure to
cheer yourself on while you’re doing it. “Look, I’m under way. This isn’t as bad as I thought. This is
actually getting pretty easy. Dang, I’m good at this.” Positive inner dialogue will help increase your
energy, optimism, and enthusiasm and keep you rolling forward because you’ll have more brain cells
available. So give this a try on any project.

A Case in Point: How to Generate Energy
So far, we’ve explored how to improve the conditions to accessing energy. Now let’s talk about how

you can generate energy. I’ve had tremendous personal success with this. All my life, I was a slow
riser (even though I’ve been in many occupations where I was either up for twenty-four to thirty-six
hours or had to get up at all hours of the night). I just always liked to ease into my day—and
sometimes that wasn’t possible.
When I learned NLP, I thought, “Since I can picture these images and I can do what I want with these
images, I wonder if I can energize myself on my way to work in the morning.”
Here’s what I did. I created a process that kicks in as soon as I leave the house. As I step out onto the
front porch, I hear the sound of violins beginning the “Ride of the Valkyries” (which is a powerful and
uptempo piece that opens the third act of Wagner’s third Ring opera and has been used in many movie
sound tracks, including Apocalypse Now).
Then, as I get out to the garage, into my car, and start driving down this small suburban street,
imaginary loudspeakers pop out on either side of the car—they’re about eight feet tall and capable of
the volume you’d experience at a rock concert.
And then the song begins to crescendo—and all the way down the street, the symphony horns are
blaring. I can actually feel the car vibrate as the sound waves hit it. It’s an amazing experience. I
usually let that stay with me for the first two miles of my trip, until I get out of the car to go into a
coffee shop, where I get my second cup and am ready for the rest of the ride to work.
The amazing thing is, on the mornings that I do this, as I walk into the coffee shop, heads turn. It’s like
I’m radiating energy. Understanding how I’m motivated enabled me to create this internal process that
has had a profound effect on my energy, enthusiasm, and optimism. This is another use of anchors that
you can easily set up for yourself. Just choose a favorite piece of music and anchor it to a place you
touch every morning. Practice it consciously for a week or so, and you’ll find yourself doing it
automatically from then on. Nice, isn’t it?

Optimism and Confidence in Concert
Helen Keller said, “Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without
hope and confidence.” So let’s focus on confidence for a moment.
From my experience coaching other people, I’ve learned that feeling more confident seems to be a
universal desire. Before we experiment with ways to do that, I want to be clear about this: confidence
is not based on truth. Confidence is based on choice—and I’m happy to be a beneficiary of this
discovery.
One of the things that used to run in my mind was “Well, it’s not reasonable to be confident. You’re a
screw-up. You dropped the ball. You did this and that.” Of course, the part of my mind that was
devoted to keeping me hesitant would just select and bring up the experiences where I’d been less
than stellar . . . I’d really screwed up somehow . . . dropped the ball . . . not lived up to myself . . . not
lived up to my rules . . . or not lived up to somebody else’s rules. It seemed unreasonable to feel

confidence in the face of these examples.
When you want to feel confident, it’s better to be unreasonable. This is about choice, not judgment.
After all, you can’t judge yourself fairly anyway—you’ll either be too favorable or too unfavorable.
In this case, it’s better to err on the side of too favorable.
A long time ago, I was just coming off a crushing failure and about to build a success. One day, the
lady I was dating came to me and she was very troubled; she said, “You know, I just had lunch with
your ex-wife. She said you say that these failures are always just glitches, that you always just explain
these away.” My girlfriend was concerned that this was a problem.
In response, I said, “No, it’s absolutely right. All entrepreneurs need to be neurotic enough to ignore
their failures. They can take the information from it, but it’s only feedback. You take the information
so you’ll do better next time, but you can’t internalize it.”
So what I did instead was to consciously and conscientiously rehearse my triumphs. I recommend that
you keep score so you can remember your victories and the many ways you’ve improved. Literally
write them down—little victories and big ones.
I have a list of about thirty of the things that I’ve done that make me feel good about myself. They’re
not earthshaking by any means. For example, I bought my kid brother a bicycle with money that I
earned on my paper route. In fact, I bought both of us bikes—and that made me feel pretty good.
Another time when I was little, I remembered another guy’s Bible verses at church. I did mine and
then I did his, too, because he had stage fright and couldn’t remember them at all. Your list can be
anything that makes you feel good about yourself, but write down those examples. A friend of mine
calls these her “greatest hits.”
During periods when I’m going through a down time in life, I am very deliberate about reading that
victory list every morning. This helps to remind me that I’ve done a number of things right in my life.
Again, it doesn’t have to include only big achievements—like winning a Nobel Prize—just things
you’ve done that make you feel good about yourself. You can note times when you were generous or
tolerant or brave or courageous—whatever reflects your value system and gives you reason to be
proud of yourself.
I think of tuning up my confidence as a kind of mental hygiene. Sometimes when I get a sore place on
my gums, I’m a little more attentive with the Waterpik than I am at other times. It’s the same way here.
When you’re feeling a little down or you need to build up your confidence, it’s useful to revisit that
list.
So, what does a “greatest hits” list have to do with NLP? Here’s what: If you just read that list like
you’re sleepwalking or like you’re glancing through a magazine article, it’s not going to have much of
an impact. The way to read that list is to go through each of those experiences in an associated
fashion—quickly step into each experience and remember it. Be “in” the movie and revisit once again
how wonderful you felt. Recalling your “greatest hits” this way will actually change your neurology
and your blood chemistry.

Discovery Activity:
Amping Up Your Confidence
Let’s experiment with a technique to deliberately increase your confidence. This activity will change
your mind and what your reference images are. First, though, there are some serious things to consider
whenever you come to the issue of confidence. A lot of people have said, “Can you give me more
confidence? I just want more confidence all the time.”
This is like wishing for eternal sunshine and permanent happiness. It’s a silly idea, and if you had it,
you’d probably soon regret it. Permanent anything eliminates choice, and without choice we’re
simply robots, right? If, for example, you automated confidence so you had it all the time, you could
get yourself in some hot water pretty easily. Imagine being so confident that you carelessly walk down
a dark alley in the wrong part of town. Think that would be such a great experience? Sure might poke
a hole in your permanent happiness.
There is a mythical (I hope) story about a man at one of those “be all you can be” seminars who got
himself so jacked up with confidence he tried to swim Hawaii’s Molokai Channel—and was never
heard from again. Naturally, you can enjoy a solid sense of confidence in situations where you know
you have what it takes to perform. That’s an appropriate place to use this process to rev up your
confidence so it’s really strong.
That said, there is a confidence you can have in all situations. Regardless of the context, and whether
you have even been there before, there’s one ability that you have everywhere. That’s your ability to
learn. You can learn from any and every situation, from every event that touches your life. At an
absolute minimum, your learning might be “I sure don’t want to do that again,” right? And that is
learning.
It may be that you just needed that one last repetition. The bottom line is that it’s realistic to have a
strong sense of confidence in your ability to learn in any situation you face. This gives you a positive
attitude that will build and sustain your energy. You’ll be able to profit from any feedback you get,
discoveries you make, and use that information to do even better in the next opportunity.
So think of a situation where you have full confidence in your abilities, any situation where you’re
pretty sure that you know exactly how to manage whatever it is that comes up. It could be anything—
making breakfast, changing a tire, teaching a group of people—just something you know you can do.
Now, here we go again with sub-modalities. Notice what comes up for you when you think of that
situation. Do you see a picture? You do? Do you hear anything? What?
I suggest that you step into that situation in your mind so you’re associated. This is important for two
reasons. First, you’ll get more information. Now you can probably hear what’s going on and you can

even hear your self-talk. Notice that.
When you’re actually in that situation, how do you feel physically? Take a moment and write down
these details so you can use them as a model to make positive changes. Notice where that feeling
resides in your body? What’s it feel like? Is it warm? Is it tingly? Does it move around? Does it make
your muscles swell up? Do you breathe more deeply?
What you want to develop here is a list of the specific sensations you have when you’re in an
associated experience of being confident.
Once you’ve specified that, it’s important to change your focus of attention, so just for a moment think
of your zip code backward, the five digits in reverse order.
Now think of a situation that you need to tackle, but where you’re a bit doubtful about yourself.
You’re doubtful that you’ll handle it as well as you’d like to.
If you’ve got one, go into that situation and notice the differences. Notice any images (size, color,
distance, etc.) and sounds (volume, tone, location, etc.) and feelings (warm, tingly, moving, etc.).
How are these images, sounds, and feelings different from the confident experience that you reviewed
a moment ago? Notice where in your body the nonconfident feelings are.
Now start changing those feelings. Start replacing them with the qualities of the confident
specification. Change the qualities of the image that you’re in to match the qualities of the image when
you were confident. Change what you were hearing in your mind’s ear, what self-talk there was, to the
same kind of self-talk as when you were confident, and change the body feelings, too.
When I’m feeling confident, I notice I have more mental energy and am actually thinking more clearly
than when I’m overly self-conscious or caught up with self-doubt. This is a process that you can
easily practice. I recommend doing it every day for at least a week or two if you really want to build
your ability to achieve a more confident state of mind.

Mission Critical:
Motivation Tips from Navy SEALs Training
Another way to build confidence is to develop an inner knowing that you can do almost anything.
Navy SEALs, as you’ve probably heard, have the most difficult military training on earth—and many
people come to the United States to learn about it. This training was originally modeled on the
methods the British Special Air Services used with their commandos. But the demands on Navy
SEALs are even greater because they do so much work in the water—where being constantly cold
and wet is a huge disincentive to forging ahead.
Let me give you a little background first—and then we’ll explore how you can benefit from SEAL
training. The first training that SEALs are put through is really just a six-week sorting-out process that

concludes with something called hell week, where they get four hours of sleep over a sixty-hour
period of time, and they spend a lot of time being cold and wet.
In this phase of training, here’s what the Navy discovered. They selected candidates who had high
IQs—and were, of course, great physical specimens. These people were able to perform all of the
activities the job required them to perform. But what the Navy noticed was that, in this six-week
period of time, 76 percent of these carefully selected candidates were dropping out of the program.
This dropout rate represents a huge loss not only in terms of recruiting and training investments, but
also in terms of this division’s readiness and capability to deliver when called upon. Because both of
these issues became a real concern to them, a few years ago they hired Eric Potterat, a psychologist,
who became the command master psychologist for the U.S. Navy SEALs. He was instructed to
review the mental toughness training and find out what the Navy could do to increase the abilities of
these candidates to force themselves to do things that the Navy estimated they could physically do, but
instead resulted in the candidates quitting.
Potterat came up with what he called the Big 4 and he trained SEAL candidates intensively in these
four habits. As a result, the graduation of candidates increased by 50 percent! This improvement was
particularly impressive because the Navy was starting with a group of exceptional candidates, and
then studying these people to find out what made the difference between quitting and persevering. In
NLP, we call that “the difference that makes the difference.”
In a nutshell, here are the four critical habits that may mean the difference between life and death—
and a successful or failed mission. Although these are presented in a sequential way, they can be used
simultaneously.

Habit 1: Focus on Right Now
The first habit involves a special kind of goal-setting thinking. There are all sorts of ways to set
goals. You may have learned them in school or on the job, but this is different. This is short-term goal
setting.
The major way to combat stress when you’re doing something very difficult is to narrow your focus.
Narrow it down to the immediate future. Navy SEALs focus on just getting to the end of the twentymile run. They don’t think about anything after that. They do not think about the next meal. They do
not think about the inspection coming after that. They would not think about any further tests.
This first habit reminds me of the advice I got when I was bicycle touring: “Don’t look at the top of
the hill” when you’re slogging up a hill. Just turn the pedal over, crank it over again (and again and
again), so each rotation moves you further along.
So one of the things the Navy SEALs were trained to do was to just do the job directly in front of
them and focus on that. That’s Habit 1.

Habit 2: Imagine How Good It Will Feel
This one’s related to rehearsing past successes. And, as you know, when you go through a victory list
in an associated way, by the time you’re done with twenty or thirty of those successes, you’ll be very
familiar with the body feeling that tells you, “I’m pleased with myself. I’m on top of this. I’m doing
this. It’s working.”
So then, you would take that feeling of success and imagine what it will be like when you
successfully do the thing you’re doing right now. The trick to that is to transfer those wonderful
feelings. What you’re actually doing in this step is utilizing your most positive sub-modalities. In this
step, transfer these positive feelings to any task you’re doing and tell yourself how good its feels to be
making progress—how good it feels to be almost done—how good it feels to be completing this task.
Break down the task into smaller pieces so that every little step feels good and moves you forward—
just as every revolution of the pedal on my bicycle felt good. Every time you finish a little set of tasks
in a project, you check it off—and that feels good. So make a habit of noticing that.
You can do this over and over again. And as you do, you’re providing your brain with extra
experiences of success, which will further deepen the feelings and make them easier for you to access
when you need them.

Habit 3: When All Else Fails, Breathe Deeply
There often comes a time in the process of being discouraged, demotivated, or physically drained
when there’s sort of an inner collapse and a panic reaction. “Oh, I can’t do it! I can’t do it. I can’t
hold on! I can’t hold on! It’s slipping . . . it’s slipping . . . it’s gone! Oh, no!”
That’s when two little parts of your brain about the size of a pair of thumbnails take over your life. As
you may recall, this part of the brain is called the amygdala. It determines when you’re safe and when
you’re not. So when you feel yourself failing, the amygdala decides that everything has gone to hell in
a handbasket; then you’re likely to have a panic reaction of some kind.
The way to beat this primal reaction is by flooding your body with oxygen. You actually change your
blood chemistry—and when you do, it calms down the amygdala. So here’s a special kind of
breathing the Navy SEALs were taught to do—and you can try it right now.
Inhale deeply for a count of six. Hold it for a count of two. Then exhale for a count of six—
completely emptying your lungs. Do this three times, just three times anytime during the day. Do these
three deep breaths, in for a count of six, hold for a count of two, exhale for a count of six.
When you do this kind of breathing, you’ll find that several things happen. You lower your blood
pressure. You flood your brain with oxygen and it increases your ability to think and react thoughtfully
—instead of out of panic or emotion. Being able to breathe easily and think makes using the other
habits possible!

Habit 4: Cheer Yourself On
This habit is related to something we talked about in the last chapter—hearing voices in our heads
that are discouraging or critical. What the Navy SEALs are taught to do is to create their own
cheering section—to be their personal encouraging chorus.
They mentally have their own voice say, “You can do it! This is easy. Forget that mistake. Focus on
the next shot and on getting it better.” They constantly cheer themselves on while they’re in the
process of doing it—instead of saying, “This is terrible. This is exhausting. I wonder if my ankle is
going to hold up. I’ve got a blister. My pack is loose and shifting around.”
Instead of listing their troubles, they list everything that feels good. As I said, this isn’t about being
reasonable; this is about being successful. This methodology is working for people who are in the
most challenging situations that humans can invent. So that’s Habit 4.
Try these steps the next time you feel anxious about an upcoming event or are feeling sort of freaked
out in the moment. Six-two-six-count breathing will help you regain some equilibrium and enable you
to put your focus on the task at hand, tap into past successes, and cheer yourself on.

Messing with Hecklers:
How to Silence Critical Inner Voices
In Chapter 2, we talked about the voices in our heads—our own and those of others, who are or were
important to us. A moment ago, I mentioned the benefit of having a cheering section—in your own
voice—that you can have at your immediate access to encourage yourself whenever you need it.
But sometimes we have negative voices, too. What about the hecklers in your mind? “Oh, this is all a
bunch of hokum. This doesn’t really work. This is just a bunch of feel-good crap. I can’t do this. It’s
not going to change reality. The reality is I’m failing. You can’t do this. You’re not good enough,” or
whatever the negative voices are.
I had one that stayed with me for years. It was a little voice that said, “Screwed up again, Hoobyar.” I
didn’t realize until my mid-fifties that it was the voice of Coach Marshall, the gym teacher who’d
been in charge of the high school track team. At one point, I was a really good runner, and then I
started smoking—which definitely impacted my performance.
When Coach Marshall saw my running times begin to slip, he would shout that out at me when I was
puffing around the track. “Screwed up again, Hoobyar.” That voice went in because I totally admired
the guy and was very ashamed of my behavior. Coach Marshall’s voice went into my mind’s eye and
ear and stayed there—for years.
After a while, my mind just began applying poor old Coach Marshall’s voice to everything. Every
time I forgot a thank-you note, every time I was less than gracious, every time I was late anywhere,

any time I dropped the ball anywhere, I heard that comment. I felt like I could actually hear him.
Well, those kinds of comments can become predictive. They could convince you that you’re just so
crummy, you’ll never do it. Because they lower your expectations of yourself, they degrade your
performance. That’s why it’s so important to interrupt those critical voices. They are not going to help
you. Period.
These voices just sort of take the fun out of life and take the energy out of our commitment, out of our
actions, and out of our will to succeed.
When that happens, here’s what you can do: First, sort of set a trap for it. Notice it. Be an attentive
audience for your own inner talk, and listen for any negatives, any self-sabotage. When you hear a
negative voice, immediately obliterate it. Immediately change it.
Once you notice it, you have choices. Let the critical voice say whatever it’s saying, and as it’s
talking, gradually change its tonality from whatever it is to something really pleasant—or funny.
Change it from that tone that communicates, “You’re not worth it. You don’t have what it takes.”
Change the tone to something sexy or a voice that sounds like a cartoon character—making it faster
and higher until it sounds more like one of the famous Chipmunks.
In either event, the critical voice will stop. Notice how changing the tone changes your feelings about
what you’re doing—and about yourself. That’s the quick fix. The longer-term way is the “Auditory
Swish,” which you practiced in the last chapter.

More Than Maintenance:
How to Increase Energy and Productivity
So far in this chapter, you’ve learned about the importance of expectations and mental rehearsal, the
link between physiology and energy, ways to fine-tune your focus in the moment, how to reduce the
impact of resistance and negative inner voices, as well as the importance of enthusiasm and
confidence. As you integrate these concepts and techniques into the way you think and operate each
day, you’ll be able to more easily maintain your positive energy. But how do you increase it?
Franz Kafka said, “Productivity is being able to do things that you were never able to do before.” So,
here are a few additional tips to help you maximize your focus and productivity.

Tip #1: Rehearse Positive Mental States
Energy, motivation, enthusiasm, and optimism all feed on each other. After all, it’s easier to feel
optimistic when you’re confident that the outcome is going to be positive. Each of us can elicit
enthusiasm and optimism by practicing certain mental states. To start changing your blood chemistry,
regularly rehearse the energy-generating physical interventions we explored at the beginning of this

chapter. This neurological energy will improve the mental processes that generate your motivation.
As I mentioned, I used to motivate myself by just putting my head down and slogging through it. I
figured, “If I bang my head against this wall, either the wall’s going to cave in or I’ll die, and if I die I
don’t have the problem anymore, so either way . . .” At the time, it seemed to be a good way to solve
the problem. But, as I look back on it now, I’m painfully aware that I was operating from a limited set
of choices.
Now it seems easier to motivate myself by saying, “As I begin on this, the wall begins to dissolve,
because as soon as I start, I’m immediately learning more about my energy, my abilities, the task—I’m
immediately making it easier because I’m taking the first step.”
Basically, when my motivation kicks in, my optimism says, “I’m going to get started and it’s going to
be easier than I thought, and I’m going to do better than I thought. And guess what? Next time, I’ll do
better than this and the fiftieth time out, I’ll do even better than I’ll do this next time.” So I have a
positive expectation.
Because of the way I experience time, I have an expectation that in the present moment, I’m in the
middle of my personal timeline. So I’m going to do the best I can today and that combined with the
experience of taking action—noticing what I might have done better or how it could have been more
enjoyable—will make me even better at it the next time.
After you review how a recent or long-ago experience happened, just look at the sub-modalities of
that situation. Once you re-create and fine-tune those sub-modalities, it will put you in a more
constructive frame of mind. All the pieces go together.

Tip #2: Update and Relive Greatest Hits
As you enhance your NLP skills and self-awareness, you’ll experience many more successes. Be sure
to add these to your list of greatest hits. To enhance your in-the-moment work, athletic, or
interpersonal performance, before you get started, access earlier times of success, earlier feelings of
success, and, as you feel them, anchor that to your performance spot on that joint of your finger (which
you first worked with in Chapter 1). So now you’ve got energy, you’ve got self-satisfaction, you’ve
got pride, and you continually anchor that.

Tip #3: Strengthen Your Positive Anchor
The kinesthetic anchor you created in Chapter 1 is sometimes referred to as a sliding anchor. Simply
sliding your thumb up along that spot on your middle finger—just like turning up the volume on your
TV—will increase the positive feelings. Let’s try that now and see how much more energized you’ll
feel.

Discovery Activity:
Strengthening Your Anchor
Right now, go back to a time when you felt full of energy. Perhaps it was when you just landed an
appointment with an important prospect you’d been pursuing. Maybe it was when you just came off a
workout and you had that jazzed, tired, pumped feeling. Or maybe you just came back from a concert
and you felt all revved up from music. Whatever it is that really gets you going and feeling “up”—set
up into that experience and feeling—breathe into it—maybe even turn it up a little so you have more
of that feeling. And when you have that, then touch that spot and anchor this energy to the same place
where you’ve anchored your self-approval and confidence.
Here’s an interesting thing: When you touch that spot, you can slide your thumb tip a little bit, and
every time you slide it, the energy doubles. That feeling can actually double. You can imagine the way
to do that is to touch that spot with that feeling, and then say, “Wow, what it would be like if the
feeling were even twice as strong as I slide my thumb along my finger?” and it becomes twice as
strong. Wow!
Then go back and say, “What would it be like if it were stronger yet?” and you bring it up to a really
pleasurable level. Don’t take it past your threshold, and I doubt that you will. Just bring it up to your
pleasurable level.
When I’m writing or when I’m talking, I often find myself absently tapping that spot on the second
knuckle of my middle finger. Because I use this anchor so often, it’s like my system knows what I need
—and I don’t have to consciously remember. After a lot of practice, this will most likely happen
automatically for you, too.

Tip #4: Celebrate Small “Wins”
Sometimes as I work with clients, I find that they get overwhelmed with a lot of these different ideas.
It may feel like it’s difficult (or even impossible) to learn these NLP concepts and skills—or any new
things. But here’s what’s true: learning easily is something the human brain is designed to do.
Despite this fact, we sometimes say to ourselves, “Oh, I could never learn languages” . . . “I’m no
good at numbers” . . . “I can’t dance.” I went for years thinking that I was some sort of dummy
because I had left school when I failed at algebra. I just couldn’t hack algebra. Well, I couldn’t hack
algebra because I was in a hormone toxicity state and other things were going on in my life, but I
blamed it all on algebra.
Then, in my thirties, I went back to junior college and took all the algebra classes—as well as

Boolean algebra and trigonometry—just to kill that old belief. Why did I think I could do that?
Because I did believe that I could learn. Unless you have some kind of actual disability, you can learn
anything you want.
Remember, everything that you do well today was impossible, or at least poorly done, the first time
you tried it. Whenever I watch my one-year-old grandson while he’s eating, I notice how he alternates
between getting the spoon into his mouth . . . onto his cheek . . . into his nose . . . or flipping stuff on
the floor. I notice how he’s learning.
It reminds me that every time we try something new, we’re all a little like my grandson. In the course
of our lives, we’ve mastered many new things—so we should be comfortable with that process,
right? Absolutely! And yet, our expectations are often out of sync with this “knowing.”
So I invite you to relax and ease up on yourself in terms of your expectations about how fast you can
do something or how good you can be at something. And while you’re doing that, raise your
expectations of how easy and fun it’s going to be to get there—because the process can be known. By
making this mind-set adjustment and using sub-modality distinctions, you’ll find your actual abilities
changing even more quickly. And celebrating small “wins” will contribute to the momentum you’re
creating.
There’s no limit to how you use your imagination. Because each of us is so uniquely individual, it’s
up to each of us to discover on our own what works best. Finding ways to optimize experience helps
us make life sweeter. So play with the different ideas you’ve explored in this chapter to understand
what draws you forward and makes you feel even more energized, confident, and enthusiastic.
Next, we’re going to move beyond just “self-esteem” and learn how you can remodel your whole
self-concept.

Key Ideas
•

The expectations we have shape our experience. People can limit or expand what’s
possible for them by changing their expectations.

•

Mental rehearsal, like visualization, can enable someone to increase their actual
performance.

•

Our energy levels are linked to our physiology. Someone can improve how their brain,
body, and mind work together by changing their body position, breathing deeply, drinking
enough water to be well hydrated, and breaking large tasks into smaller ones of where they
focus for twenty minutes and then take a break. (For more details on the Pomodoro
Technique, visit http://www.pomodorotechnique.com.)

•

“Eye Movement Integration” can help reduce resistance to doing specific tasks that seem
almost too energy-draining to even contemplate.

•

Someone’s get-out-of-bed strategy is a sample of a motivation strategy that works for them.
Once someone identifies a motivation strategy that works well, they can apply those
insights and sub-modalities to motivating themselves in other situations.

•

Energy, enthusiasm, and confidence work together to shape motivation and build momentum.

•

Navy SEALs training uses four key practices to strengthen confidence, productivity, and
tenacity.

•

Critical voices can be internalized and active for years. These bullies can be silenced with
a quick fix like making the voice sound like a cartoon character or doing the “Auditory
Swish” process, which is outlined in Chapter 2.

•

Someone can increase areas of current competence by rehearsing positive mental states,
reliving their greatest hits, tinkering with sub-modalities, strengthening existing positive
anchors, and celebrating small “wins.”

To enhance the skills you learned in this chapter, check out the recommended Bonus Activities at our
special “Essential Guide” website: http://eg.nlpco.com/3-10 or use the QR code with your phone.

Discoveries, Questions, Ideas, and Stuff You Want to Work On

CHAPTER F OUR: UPGRADING YOUR SELF-CONCEPT

How’d things get this way?

It’s never too late to be the person you might have been.
—George Eliot

Whether you’re twenty-five, forty-five, or sixty-five, it’s not too late to make the changes in
yourself that you’d like to make. To understand how this is possible, in this chapter we’re going to be
looking at ourselves—how we’re built, who we think we are, and how we got to be this way. And
we’re going to explore options for changing that. Ready?

Life Vest First: How to Prevent and Reduce Stress
Before we talk about self-change, which is really kind of profound work, you have to get in condition.
To prepare for dealing with your unconscious to make this sort of change, it’s important to know how
to manage your stress reactions and practice stress reduction.
In Chapter 2, you learned how to explore and fine-tune what you want, as well as how to recognize
and resolve internal conflicts so that you’re congruent about whatever you’re doing. These new skills
will help you significantly prevent and reduce the friction and stress in your life. And yet, no matter
how much you do to improve your choices in life, some things are beyond your choosing. There will
still be red lights, rudeness, and bad weather. Some amount of stress is a perfectly natural response.
The problem with stress is that it generates some pretty nasty chemicals in your brain—and those
chemicals can do some long-term damage. They also actually degrade your performance—at work, at
home, and in virtually all areas of life. They preoccupy parts of your neurology that would be better
utilized by thinking creatively. To help you be in control of your response to stressors, it’s important
to have an emergency protocol and a daily practice. Let’s explore these one at a time.

911: PANIC MANAGEMENT
There’s something called a panic reaction—the “fight-or-flight” (or freeze) reaction we touched on at
the very beginning of the book. As you may recall from the last chapter, the amygdala determines
whether or not you feel safe. It’s a very primitive part of the brain that can trigger a cascade of

reactions and hormones in your blood stream. It shuts down critical and deliberate thought, so all your
energy can be dedicated to move into fight-or-flight. Once all that starts, it’s pretty much a stampede.
Rather than get run over by this rush, you can employ the four practices you learned about in Chapter
3, the ones that Navy SEALs use. Here’s a brief refresher. (1) Be only in the exact moment; don’t
think about the next thing; (2) break a task/activity into small, achievable steps and celebrate your
progress; (3) at the point of discouragement, do six-two-six-count breathing to oxygenate your brain;
(4) create a cheering section (in your own voice) that’s encouraging and supportive.

LETTING THE AIR OUT: PREVENTING STRESS
Stress also accumulates over time. It’s a little bit like blowing up a balloon. If there’s too much air in
it, it will explode. So it’s important to monitor your stress level; then, regularly and proactively, let a
little air out of the balloon. A powerful way to raise your level of stress endurance is a daily practice
of meditation. There’s an abundance of research going back to the 1970s that enumerates the
physiological, neurological, emotional, and psychological benefits of meditation.
Much of this research was done by Herbert Benson at Harvard University, who wrote The Relaxation
Response. What he found was that a daily practice of meditation—even fifteen minutes just once a
day—creates long-term benefits in people’s health, sense of reality, and even manual dexterity. Blood
pressure lowers, the alpha relaxation rhythm in the brain deepens, and both halves of the brain
synchronize. There are numerous significant long-term health benefits. Best of all, these begin within
two weeks of regularly meditating.
In fact, when I began meditating, I noticed a change within a week. I felt more relaxed and moved a
little more easily in the world. By the second week, my friends noticed and were commenting about
the changes they saw.
Meditation is also a great way to just slow down your brain so you can observe your thoughts—
where they come from, how they form, what comes up for you as you notice them. This is a very
valuable way to make using NLP easier, too.
If you don’t already have a form of meditation that works for you, here’s an easy sort of plain-vanilla
process to play that only requires that you find twenty minutes away from the world. Start by picking
a quiet place that feels soothing to you, where you can relax without interruption. Then set a timer for
twenty minutes so your conscious mind doesn’t get distracted wondering what time it is. You can just
let go and rest easy knowing that the bell will go off when the time you’ve allotted is up.
Here’s how I do it. I just sit, take a few deep breaths, and relax my body—beginning with my feet, up
through my calves, my thighs, my hips, my lower belly, my chest. I make sure my breathing is easy and
regular. I feel my arms relax on the arms of the chair or in my lap, and finally I relax the muscles in
my neck and my face. I’m just paying attention to my body and letting my unconscious know that I
intend to relax myself. This part of the process takes about two minutes.

As I do that, I notice my breathing is getting deeper and more regular, and I allow myself to just let my
breathing go and I try not to think of anything specific. My experience is that random thoughts tend to
pop up. Often, I notice that my brain wants to reengage with whatever I tore myself away from. Once
I’m relaxed, I find myself remembering things I forgot to do or I wanted to do. The trick here, in terms
of not getting hooked into this inner dialogue, is just to allow those thoughts to go on their own.
If I notice that I’m kind of getting caught up in the inner chatter—“Did I turn the gas off? Why didn’t I
pick that up at the store yesterday? Now it’s three more miles . . .”—I start repeating the word one to
myself very softly. The word one suggests unity. It’s actually the word they used in the relaxation
response research at Harvard. This single-syllable sound works well for me—it’s easy to make and
doesn’t have a lot of meaning. It actually sounds quite a lot like om, which is the Sanskrit word a lot
of meditators use.
The only things you need to pay attention to are that your body remains relaxed, your breathing
remains steady and deep, and the sound in your head that you’re doing deliberately is just the sound of
the word one—“one, one, one, one,” just like that.
Take a moment and try it right now. Breathe deeply and let any tension in your body melt away. Say
“one, one, one” in your mind and just let your conscious thoughts drift away. If you’re not already
doing it, give it a try now just for a few minutes.
I predict that if you try it for even five minutes today, tomorrow, and the next day, you will have a
different week next week. You might even choose to continue meditating—and make it a daily
practice.
I find that when I take time to relax this way, I feel refreshed when I return to my other activities—and
I’m more resourceful. A lot of the daily events that had normally bothered or kind of paralyzed me—
didn’t. I feel like “This is small potatoes,” or “You know, I can see several different ways this could
be handled.”
In the beginning, for me, meditation had all the earmarks of being a discipline—rather than relaxation.
I sometimes found myself thinking, “This is a reward? This is like a time-out. This is like a
punishment.” But I persevered and over time, it’s amazing how meditation has become something I
look forward to. Because some people really struggle with sitting still, they enjoy the benefits
meditation offers by doing something like qigong, yoga, running, or dancing instead.
When you meditate or follow a discipline that allows you to relax, it relieves stress, and your immune
system likes you better. Studies show that cancer rates drop, heart disease drops, the quality of life
improves—and it doesn’t cost anything! Utilizing a preventative daily practice and an emergency
protocol to manage stress enables you to create an inner environment that makes it possible to become
a happier, better you.

A Look in the Mirror:

Who You Are Today and How You Got to Be This Way
Before exploring additional changes you may want to make, it helps to consider who you are right
now and how you got to be this way.
If I asked you who you are, you could come up with lots of different ways to respond. You could tell
me what you do for a living, what roles you play in your life—like mate, parent, friend, sibling—
what your goals are—almost anything that has to do with who you are right now. Today’s you is a
product of all your experiences—of the gifts you were born with, the things you learned at home, at
school, at work, in relationships, in your community, and in your travels, right?
It’s like each of us is an onion that has lots of layers. Our outside layer is what other people most
often see—what we look like, where we live, and how we behave. As the layers are peeled away,
we learn more about our core selves. Beneath the papery onion skin, we’d find our capabilities,
beliefs, values, and perhaps even spirituality.
You might look like one of your siblings or one of your parents and you may be similar in many ways.
And yet you are uniquely you. How you process information, what you believe, and what you value
drive your decisions and actions. In earlier chapters, you discovered how sub-modalities and your
motivation strategies affect your experience. And you learned how you can tinker with those two
things to improve your experience. So let’s expand your understanding of how you work by briefly
exploring beliefs, the Meta Model, predicates, and meta-programs. Okay, I know that’s some scary
lingo, but don’t let this run you off. Stay with me a moment. I promise you’ll find it really interesting.

Clues to Beliefs:
The Deep Structure of Language and the Meta Model
In Chapter 1, we learned a bit about how our minds use a linguistic shorthand to allow us to make
sense of our world. There are several other specific ways that we filter our experience in order to
make our unique world possible; these are called “Meta Models.”
Many Meta Model filters are useful. For instance, generalizations save you from having to learn how
to tie your shoes every time you put them on. A little of this is a good thing. However, too much of this
good thing can be quite limiting. Here’s why.
Many of our generalizations are unconscious and this is especially so in the case of beliefs. Many of
these “rules” that we’ve created for ourselves come from an earlier time in our lives. Some of these
actually come from someone else and are not really our choices at all.
A lot of the generalizations that take the form of beliefs were formed when we were very, very young
and another large group were formed when we were adolescents. Beliefs formed in early childhood
are generally the result of learning from our parents and our environment how to survive in the world.

That’s a very useful thing. It’s just that now that we’re adults we can make better choices for
ourselves because we have learned an awful lot since we were five years old.
Likewise, in adolescence, in high school, we formed a lot of other beliefs. A lot of those were based
on the extensive wisdom of our fourteen, fifteen, and even eighteen-year-old friends. I don’t know
about you, but I remember that when I was seventeen, I was amazed at how little my dad knew. What
really surprised me, though, was how much he had learned just five short years later!

TIPS TO NOTICE AND IDENTIFY BELIEFS
To notice your beliefs and discover how they got there, here are some important warning signs to
watch for and listen for in yourself. An easy one to notice is when you find yourself thinking “I really
should do (that).” “It’s something that really ought to be done.” “I really have to take care of that
now.” Terms like should, ought to, must, can, and may are called words of necessity. And that is
what they imply: that there is an absolute necessity to the statement that contains that word. It can be
really useful to simply ask yourself, “Who says?” or “According to whom?” And then listen for an
answer. You might be surprised to discover how much of your life is being run by the incredible
wisdom of a fifteen-year-old, or your crazy aunt Sally.
This phenomenon isn’t limited to words; it can also easily be linked to images that are triggered by an
event or a time of day. I have a friend who used to wonder why it was that he found himself washing
his car every Saturday morning, whether it needed it or not. After paying attention for a while, he
realized that when he got up and walked out to pick up the newspaper, if the dateline said “Saturday”
an image flashed through his mind, faster than he could see it. It was an image of his father getting up
and washing the car every Saturday morning. It was something he remembered from when he was a
very young child. That very young child wanted to be exactly like his father, and wasn’t able to know
what was important about that and what wasn’t. That sequence of events, seeing that the date was
Saturday and the image of his father flitting through his mind, and the feeling of affection and respect
for his father triggered his motivation. Without his conscious awareness, this resulted in what was
almost an obsession with washing his car every Saturday morning.
Well, it was nice to have a clean car. His wife appreciated it. But it probably would have been even
nicer if he had some choice about it, and to have been able to do something else on Saturday, like take
his wife out for brunch.
Other warning words to listen for are words that you’ll recognize are massive overgeneralizations.
These are words like all, always, every, and never. Listen for them when you’re talking and even
when you’re talking to yourself. You’ll also hear them when other people speak.
When you find yourself thinking or saying one of those thoughts, like “Oh, I never get to X,” or “That
always happens to me,” it’s useful to sort out where the generalization came from. Does this really
happen all the time? Everywhere? In every situation with everyone? Poking gently at

overgeneralizations like that will usually give you some counter-examples to those generalizations.
The contrast and comparisons of counter-examples can help you to open up to considering more ways
of dealing with those very situations. After all, if you accept that you will never get X, you’ll be right.
It’s like Henry Ford said: “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t—you’re right.”
The examples you just reviewed illustrate different Meta Model violations. You don’t have to
concern yourself with the terminology, but if you’d like to explore additional examples and this
fascinating deep structure of language, follow this link: http://eg.nlpco.com/4-1.
You’ll have an opportunity to explore beliefs in greater detail in Section 2. For now, start noticing
how your beliefs are influencing you—either limiting or empowering you. Set your inner antenna to
notice what you’re thinking and, without judging those thoughts, decide if that’s what you want to be
thinking. If not, find a preferred thought to focus on, one that feels better.

Like That: How Our Language and
Behavior Reveal Individual Preferences
In addition to beliefs, each of us uses “Meta-Programs” to navigate our lives.

A QUICK META-PROGRAM PRIMER
Joseph O’Connor and John Seymour, trainers and authors of multiple NLP resources, describe metaprograms as:
perceptual filters that we habitually act on . . . patterns we use to determine what
information gets through. For example, think of a glass full of water. Now imagine drinking
half of it. Is the glass half full or half empty? Both, of course; it’s a matter of viewpoint.
Some people notice what is positive about a situation, what is actually there, others notice
what is missing. Both ways are useful and each person will favor one view or the other.
Meta-programs are systematic and habitual, and we do not usually question them if they
serve us reasonably well . . . Meta-programs are important in key areas of motivation and
decision making.
Because meta-programs filter experience and we pass on our experience with language,
certain patterns of language are typical of certain meta-programs. . . . For example, one
meta-program is about action. The proactive person initiates, he jumps in and gets on with
it. He does not wait for others to initiate action. A proactive person will tend to use
complete sentences, e.g.: “I am going to meet with the managing director.” A reactive
person waits for others to initiate an action or bides her time before acting. She may take a

long time to decide or never actually take action at all. A reactive person will tend to use
passive verbs, incomplete sentences, and qualifying phrases, e.g.: “Is there any chance that
it might be possible to arrange a meeting with the managing director?”
Notice the difference. Again, neither is wrong or right—just different. Which one is more like you?
Let’s play with a few more examples.
The meta-program called options/procedures is one that’s easy to notice in language and behavior.
Think about this for a moment. Are you someone who likes to have an established, proven way of
doing things—or someone who’s always doing things a little differently? If you like a “right way,”
you’re probably procedures-oriented. If you feel hemmed in by having to do something the same way
over and over, you’re options-oriented. Neither is better; it’s just indicative of your personal
preference.
Here’s another to try on. Imagine that you’re getting ready to do your taxes. Are you motivated to do
them by April 14 because you’ll be glad to wrap up your accounting for the year and maybe even get
a refund? Or are you more likely to do them on time because you’re concerned that you might incur a
penalty or that your return may be flagged for an audit if it’s late? If your thought pattern is more like
the first situation, your motivation strategy is “toward” because you’re moving toward a positive
outcome. If your strategy is more like the second situation, you’re more “away-from” oriented
because you’re moving away from a potentially negative consequence.
Keep in mind that meta-programs are a framework of thought; each one operates more like a
continuum rather than as “either/or.” Where you or someone else falls on the continuum often depends
on the context, on what’s going on. After all, most of us are different in our personal lives from what
we are in our professional lives—or when we’re relaxed rather than operating under pressure.
Of the more than forty recognized meta-programs, it helps to be aware of these:

Meta-Program

Answers the Question

Options/Procedures

Is it more important for you to do something the “right way” than it is to
have alternative ways of doing it?

Toward/AwayFrom

Are you more motivated by moving toward something that has a potentially
positive outcome, or away from a potentially negative consequence?

Proactive/Reactive

Are you more likely to take the initiative to act, or wait for someone else
to do it—or for something else to happen?

Internal/External

When you evaluate something, are you more likely to use an internal
personal standard or to ask for someone else’s feedback?

General/Specific

Do you most often deal in the “big picture”—or the details?

Match/Mismatch

When making comparisons, do you notice how things are alike or where
there are differences/discrepancies?

It’s not critical that you identify which ones fit you. It does, however, help to be aware that the thought
patterns you’re working with filter your experience. As you slow down your thoughts and begin to
notice more about how you operate, you’ll become more in tune with how you motivate yourself and
make decisions.

To receive a brief profile of your meta-programs, visit the following link to take a fun, quick
assessment. Go to: http://eg.nlpco.com/4-4 or use the QR code with your phone.

PREFERRED REPRESENTATIONAL CHANNELS: PREDICATES
Because we use language to communicate our thoughts, our choice of words will reveal our thought
patterns and preferences. A “Predicate,” for example, reflects the representational system being used.
In Chapter 1, you learned about representational modalities. As a refresher, we all operate in all three
channels—visual, auditory, or kinesthetic—and each of us has an unconscious preferred way of
processing. For example, I’m highly auditory, so when I’m learning something, I’d rather listen to a
CD or have someone tell me what I need to know. Someone who’s visual might prefer to read a
manual or look at how-to illustrations.
Since I’m highly auditory, my language will reflect that, too. I’m likely to say, “That sounds good to
me . . . I hear you loud and clear . . .” or “That rings true in my experience.” These sensory-based
words are called “Predicates.” Again, it’s not important that you recall the terminology, only that you
begin to listen to the language you use and notice what your preferences are.
The purpose of this brief introduction to beliefs, the Meta Model, Meta-Programs, and
representational preferences is to help you understand that how you’ve become the you who you are
today is not random; it’s not a mystery. There’s a structure to how you take in information, how you
make decisions, how you motivate yourself, and how you communicate. And, as you discover your
unique structure, you can more easily make changes.
In the rest of this chapter, you’ll have an opportunity to take a look at yourself through some NLP
filters and then make choices to either strengthen the qualities that you like—or reduce the qualities

that you don’t like as much. You can actually change your self-concept.

Today’s You and the Desired You:
The Impact of Self-Concept
Here’s a story: After completing an NLP seminar with Steve Andreas, a brilliant teacher and
innovator, I remember sitting on the plane and writing in my notebook all the characteristics I was
going to instill in myself. Well, as you might imagine, I got sidetracked by the immediacies of life and
never did that. It wasn’t until quite a while later, when I felt a crisis in my identity and self-concept,
that I got around to making these changes.
For me, this crisis came with retirement, but it can happen to anyone who experiences a significant
life change. Such a change can be positive or negative—graduation, marriage, childbirth, a new
career or the loss of one—all of these life transitions can provoke real self-examination. Although I
loved the leisure and sudden relief of responsibility that came with retirement, I suddenly wasn’t
certain what I ought to be doing . . . who I was . . . or what I could do.
It was probably pretty tiresome for my wife until I realized that I needed to take a look at who I
thought I was and find out who I wanted to become for the next phase of my life. So here’s how you
can do that—without having a crisis!
The first step is to find out how you build your self-concept. As we get into this, you’ll find that
there’s a structure made up of sub-modalities and generalizations and all the things that we’ve been
talking about. So here’s how to find out about that for each of you.

Discovery Activity:
Identifying Something You Like About Yourself
Go inside yourself and pick something that you know to be true about yourself that you like.
Something you like about yourself that you know to be true. Just take a moment. There’s no need to
overthink it—just find something you know to be so, and write it down.
Now, here’s an interesting thing about this process. First, when you think about something that you
know to be true about yourself and you can say, “I love to garden,” “I’ve got a good sense of humor,”
“I’m really generous,” “I’m very picky about keeping my car clean,” “I’m very truthful,” “I’m a great
storyteller,” “I have a special way with animals,” or whatever it happens to be. When you say that,
immediately you get some sort of representation about that quality or behavior, don’t you? So notice

that. This is where you take a look and see.
Details are important here—so notice, is it a symbol? Is it a picture of you doing something? Is it a
picture of somebody else doing the thing that you do? Is it saying what you say or feeling how you
feel?
It’s very important that you learn the qualities of this, so let’s follow this down. This is something
you’ve accepted about yourself for some time, and you like about yourself. How has your brain got
this information filed? We know it’s using the language of the five senses—so is it an image? Maybe
more than one, but there will be one sort of representation that’s kind of like the generality of this
characteristic for you.
Now, notice a couple of things. If it’s a visual picture, notice where it is—and notice, is it a movie or
is it a still? Is it color or black-and-white? Is it brighter than daylight, not as bright as daylight, or
darker? Is it life-size, larger than life-size, or smaller than life-size? These are very important,
because whatever characteristics this image has, it’s your brain signaling to you that “this is
something that’s true about me,” so note that.
Here’s what I know is true. Whatever it is you believe about yourself that you like is probably a good
thing. I’ve never met anybody who bragged about being cruel or flaky or sloppy or lazy or selfish or
dishonest, so what you like about yourself is probably something good.
The way that belief came about was the same way you learned about doorknobs and politics. Over the
course of your life, you had enough experiences or enough people commented on this thing you like
about yourself that you have evidence—so you generalized from that. That’s undeniable; that’s
certainly happened.
My question is, as you look back to see the evidence that supports the trait or way of being that you
have—as you see that, I’m curious, how many examples do you have? How many bits of evidence or
how many memories do you have that you are that way?
I did this experiment with my wife as we were driving to visit friends and she said, “I have thousands
of examples of how I’m friendly and easy to talk to.” Then I asked her to go look for them—and
initially it was really hard to find them. But then all kinds of examples just sort of popped up, because
that characteristic is such a part of her everyday experience.
The important thing to note is that you can list a few, several, hundreds, or thousands of examples—
you can write down however many bits of evidence you have in your database that show you are this
certain way . . . that you have this trait that you like about yourself . . . and you’ve noted if it’s an
image, where it is.
If it wasn’t an image, what was it? You say, “Well, I just have a feeling about this.” Okay, you have a
feeling. Does that feeling include some sort of a visual representation? It almost always does, and it
certainly does when you’re looking for evidence.
Here’s another quality of the evidence I’d like you to note. The first thing we’re going to do is to

make this thing you like about yourself even stronger.
Whatever it is about yourself that you like, if you would like that to be stronger, then do this: Notice
the representation of that characteristic or way of being that you have—and notice whether it’s a
feeling or a voice in your head telling you that you’re that way. And notice if it’s somebody else’s
voice telling you you’re that way—or notice if it’s an image. By combining this initial representation,
whatever it is, AND the other two senses, you will have a remembered experience that’s visual,
auditory, and kinesthetic. Take a moment and do that now.
Next, look at the evidence in your database, the memories you have where you exhibited that
characteristic or way of being—and notice the quality of these examples. What do you see? Are you
seeing yourself doing whatever it is—and you’re outside that? Can you “go into” each picture so you
can relive those experiences at will? Being associated strengthens the experience.
When you look at those bits of evidence that you are this certain way, are they scattered pretty evenly
back through your childhood or whenever you developed this trait? Maybe it’s something you
developed later in life. That’s okay. Just notice.
Now, here’s a really important step. Check to see if there’s any evidence in your future that you are
this way. In other words, are there places where you expect to be this way in the future? As you look
to the future, if you don’t see evidence that you are this way, I suggest you put some in there.
You can put these expectations on little index cards that contain blank movies that just haven’t run yet.
They can be photographs of you in the future, and you can see yourself from behind as you’re moving
toward them—because this is in your future. You can see that “future you” doing those things, or you
can pop in and imagine you’ll be doing them when you’re old and saintly. Any of these possibilities
will also strengthen this trait or way of being.
Now, here’s an interesting thing about self-concept—it’s got staying power. Some people are very
durable in their self-concept—they’re solid—and the more relaxed they are, the more they are who
they are. Some people’s self-concept is more fluid.
Here’s an interesting thing that happens. If there’s something you like about yourself that you know to
be true, you also know that you haven’t been perfect your entire life. Holding these contrasting
reflections at the same time can be challenging.
Let me give you an example. I like that I’m honest—and I know that it’s true that I am honest. But I
shoplifted when I was a kid. In my life, I’ve lied on occasion. I’ve even cheated. I’ve had some
earlier experiences that are what we call counter-examples. In the scope of things, they were trivial—
but they taught me how bad it was to be dishonest. So, I have old evidence that I’m not honest and
more current evidence that I am. What good does that do me? Does it keep me truthful? Yeah, it helps,
as long as I keep these counter-examples in perspective. Otherwise, they could also weaken my selfconcept.
You see, having a self-concept that I’m honest means that’s my first choice—and that honesty is my

instinct, without exception, in every situation. I find it’s easier, it’s more convenient, and I don’t have
to remember a line of BS, so there are a lot of reasons why it’s useful. I make sure that my wife and I
are on the same page because I’m not hiding or living a separate reality from her, so there are a lot of
reasons why I like this. But I don’t wear it like a badge of honor, because I know I’m flawed.
However, if I were to bring those old counter-examples forward and put them in my face so I couldn’t
even say I’m honest or that I want to be honest, it would undermine my self-concept. It would create
incongruity and it would weaken me.
Now, here’s what to do. I don’t think that you should deny the truth. I think that’s unrealistic and
psychologically unhealthy. What you do instead is to turn any recollection of a behavioral counterexample into just a statement on a piece of paper in your memory.
Do not go back and relive the time when you didn’t measure up. In other words, screen out negative
examples—you can do this by choice. You’ve learned how we can edit things and how we can
strengthen things—so you can do this a lot of different ways.
You can actually convert the memory. For instance, I can remember stealing a Baby Ruth candy bar
from the corner grocery store in our neighborhood, and then my dad marched me back in. I cried and
apologized and got chewed out for it. But I remember doing it—so I know I’m not honest. I remember
that little crime when I was a kid. My dad made sure I’d remember it—but I no longer see myself
doing that, other than hauling it up now to tell you about it.
Normally when I go back to this experience, it’s a little index card in my memory that says, “Yeah,
that was one of your learning experiences. That is one of the reasons that you’re honest now,” so I
converted the experience to a reason. And now that reason strengthens my instinct to be honest.
To strengthen the thing you like about yourself, convert a counter-example from something that says,
“Oh no you’re not,” to “Oh, and this learning experience makes you even more that way now.”
So again, focus on the trait that you like about yourself, which you should like and appreciate even
more now, because you’re strengthening it, and then sweep back through your files. If you found
counter-examples that made you a little uncomfortable or a little incongruent about having this trait or
characteristic—or you felt less than entitled to it because there were exceptions—just change those
counter-examples so that they’re learning experiences that make you even more this way now.
That’s right, it’s a little job to do and may take a little reflection. Take your time.
To strengthen self-concept, here’s something I do that you might also consider doing. When I come out
of my morning meditation, the first thing I do is to thank my Maker for the way I’m feeling and for the
life I have. The second thing I do is to just sort of flood my body with gratitude that it’s all
functioning. I don’t even think about it, and the cells are dividing and the blood’s moving and
everything seems to be working pretty good even after all these years of abuse.
The next thing I do is sort of just be glad that I am who I am. I say, “I’m not perfect, but life’s not over
yet.” I have the sense that I’m learning and that I’ll be better tomorrow than I am today and that I keep

trying. This just gives me a sense of real strength and ease as I move back into my day.
So you can tie some of this self-concept work, in terms of self-regard, to that little private time. Take
thirty seconds to just appreciate yourself and your life as you come out of meditation. Just make that a
habit. Your brain will love you for it. Your unconscious will love you.
For additional demonstrations and/or examples, go to: http://eg.nlpco.com/4-7.

Discovery Activity:
Adding Elements to Your Self-Concept
Now I want to start to make use of some of the groundwork that you did earlier in this chapter. Let’s
look at adding elements to your self-concept. How would you do that? The same way you built your
original self-concept—by generalizing from certain experiences.
I propose that you have many more experiences that you haven’t generalized that are positive. So one
of the ways to do this is to pick a trait that you would like to strengthen in yourself.
As an example, about a month ago, I picked a way of being that I thought would be useful to me for the
next phase of my life. I picked calm, well organized, and highly productive. I’ve had six years now of
being out of a regular responsibility for running a company and the structure it imposed. Some weeks
I’ve written, some weeks I’ve led seminars, other weeks I’ve consulted in companies. Sometimes
I’ve just spent time down at the river or at the pool. There wasn’t any sort of normal structure and I
found I wanted one; I just wasn’t satisfied with my productivity.
As I imposed this new structure, part of me said, “Oh no you don’t. I’ve worked for decades for this.
I’m not giving this up. Do that Thursday. Do that next week,” and this resistance was inhibiting my
progress on some of my projects.
So I thought, “Well, I’d like to be motivated to be more naturally procedural in a calm, nonfrantic
way, and just plow ahead.” I have to tell you, I did this work about a month ago—and my productivity
has skyrocketed. It’s probably up 60 percent, and here’s how you can do it, too.
Before we begin, remember the sub-modalities of the first thing you picked that you like about
yourself and know to be true. Refresh your memory about these sub-modalities now.
Next, pick a trait that you would like to have—or that you do have that you would like to strengthen. It
can be any way of being that you want. As you identify it and see it now, immediately see some sort of
image or see yourself being a certain way. Make sure that the sub-modalities of this new image match
those of the image of the first characteristic you picked, in every way—location, size, color, lightness
and brightness, motion or not—exactly the same. Put it in the same place.

Then, second, do the same thing that you did with that quality or characteristic, which is to take it and
make sure that you can see it, you can hear it, and you can feel it. Then, once you have that image just
right, step into it so you’re actually doing it, and see if it feels okay to be that kind of a person. Does
that feel all right?
Again, your choice of a new trait should be realistic: one that you know you could do and would
really be pleased to find yourself doing. It’s not like you’re suddenly a high-fashion model or
astronaut or anything like that. This is something that’s realistic and it has to do with a characteristic
or way of being that you would like to add to your description of yourself—or that you would like to
strengthen.
If that feels as good as it ought to, that’s fine. Now go back to your memory and notice the many times
that you have been that person or that you have been that way. You might not have noticed it before.
You certainly didn’t treat it the way I’m asking you to treat it now.
Take those memories and make sure they look and feel and sound like the memories of that first trait
you chose that you like about yourself. The example should match in terms of the filing system that you
let your brain use. What’s happening now is you’re gradually realizing that you are that way. That it’s
part of you.
If I hear a little voice in my head saying, “Yeah, but . . .” I address that, saying, “Yeah, but I wasn’t
always that way. That’s why I want to strengthen it,” or “I’m not really that way. I want to become that
way.”
That voice is a voice that’s looking at the counter-examples. “Look here. You weren’t that way there.
You weren’t that way here.” It’s like one of those little shoplifting things. Yes, that may also be true,
and those are the reasons you want to become that way.
Again, take those examples—if they’re examples of behavior that didn’t demonstrate this preferred
way of being—and turn them into little index cards with a note on it that says, “This experience makes
me want to be this way even more.” Allow those notes to drop into the places where those memories
are.
So now you’ve got two sets of filed experiences. One set is the one that we worked with earlier,
which has to do with something that you know you like about yourself. The other set of filed
experiences includes the experiences for this additional way of being that you either want to add to or
use to strengthen your self-concept. Look at them both and make sure that they look the same and that
they’re stored in the same place.
Now test this out. Imagine this new trait added to your self-concept—and it’s true and accurate
because you’ve done it in the past. As it becomes part of you, consider something coming up in the
future—perhaps later today, perhaps tomorrow, perhaps the next day, where you’ll be exhibiting this
new characteristic. Notice how it feels to have this trait. Notice how it is when this is just part of who
you are, notice how things look to you, notice how you feel about yourself. Feel this in your body.

What has changed? In terms of how it feels to be you—and this is pretty significant—notice what has
changed with this new characteristic added to your self-concept.
Over the next several days, invest a few minutes and do this imagining of how you feel when you
exhibit this new trait that’s in your subconscious; just do that every morning. Do it for at least three
days.

The Archaeological Dig: An Example of Self-Concept Work
Before moving on, I’d like to share an example from working with a thirty-two-year-old intensive
care nurse who wanted to enhance her self-concept by adding the trait of being energetic. She was
careful to tell me that she didn’t want to be so energetic that she couldn’t easily unwind at the end of
the night. (That’s ecology, right?)
After exploring her motivation, she told me that if she were more energetic, she’d be willing to go out
more often at night. When I asked her, “What will being more energetic and going out at night do for
you that’s even more important?” her meta-outcome was that she’d feel less lonely because she’d
have the opportunity to connect more with other people.
By talking through past examples of when she did—or didn’t—go out at night, she learned about some
of her meta-programs and beliefs that were automatically shaping her perceptions of how things could
be different. When she thought about taking the initiative to plan an evening with someone, she
experienced a sense of deep sadness—and even some physical symptoms like tiredness and low level
of anxiety.
When we explored how she knew to feel like this (what the cue was that automated that response),
she found an image of herself when she was a little girl. When her current self asked the little girl (her
younger self) what she was trying to do for her, Denise learned that girls were supposed to be nice
and that if they were, they’d be invited lots of places. So the meaning that she was making of her
current situation was that the lack of invitations or changes in plans meant she wasn’t nice enough,
wasn’t liked enough for people to be with her.
Long story short, by accepting that her younger self was actually trying to advocate for her, Denise’s
current self was able to stop resisting and begin negotiating with the little girl. Together we explored
alternatives that would satisfy both of them.

Ripple Effects:
How One Change Often Creates More Change
When deciding to add being “more energetic” to her self-concept, Denise got more than she bargained

for, didn’t she? Today, in addition to being more energetic, she’s more comfortable being proactive,
she’s more congruent, and she’s less likely to interpret a change of plans as meaning there’s something
wrong with her.
So that’s just one example of strengthening self-concept. There are thousands of others. And if you’re
the kind of person who really wants to gain more influence over yourself, the way you behave, how
you think, and what you know, if you want to be that kind of person, you’re on the road to doing that
now.
You have the raw material to look inside yourself and to never again become a victim of rage, panic,
or long-term depression that runs away with itself. And you have the tools.
I believe that having this kind of familiarity with your own inner processes gives you a chance to
work on yourself—and to have a more understanding attitude about other people. Here’s an example
of what I mean.
Earlier this morning, I was driving in the San Francisco Bay area at rush hour. It continues to amaze
me that I lived down here in the middle of five million people because it’s so busy compared to
where we live in the mountains today. I’m driving along and some young lady who was on her way to
work—anxious, busy, distracted—jumps in front of me in traffic and flips me off in the rearview
mirror. I was moving too slow. “Here’s this old guy . . .” I actually have no idea what she was saying
to herself, but it certainly seemed like I ticked her off.
It was kind of funny because I saw her watching me, flipping me off, and then reaching down, taking
out some lipstick, and looking in the same rearview mirror to adjust her makeup—all this, just before
she slammed on her brakes and almost hit the guy in front of her as we came to the next signal.
I didn’t get mad at her. Instead, I reminded myself she’s in her twenties, she’s got six things on her
mind—maybe a date tonight, probably running a little bit late for work, all these people are in her
way, including me—so she wasn’t having as good a morning as I was. I had a great morning! I just felt
humane. I felt compassionate toward her, just because she’s so busy and so rushing around and so lost
in her own situation and not “getting” it.
Well, everybody’s like that. Everybody’s in their own situation doing the best they can. If you look at
the NLP presuppositions now with your understanding of how you operate inside—if you look at
these operating principles (listed at the end of Chapter 1) and really test those statements—you can
see that they are not clichés. They reflect the best thinking that there is on how human beings actually
operate and why.
In the next chapter, you’ll discover how what you’ve learned about how your brain works can be used
to give you insight into how other people experience things. This will help you to become more
patient, resilient, and relaxed. You’ll be more confident, too, because you’ll understand that everyone
is doing the best they can, and that most of them are reacting to inputs and filters that are out of their
awareness. They don’t know that they’re having pictures, sounds, and feelings in their head. They
don’t know it’s constantly going on and triggering them. But you do now—and this understanding will

serve you well.

Key Ideas
•

Stress can create a cascade of negative reactions. Having stress-management strategies for
dealing with emergencies and preventing the buildup of stress enhances someone’s options
for positive behaviors and outcomes.

•

Each of us is a product of our experiences—and the thought patterns and conclusions we’ve
created in response to those experiences.

•

Beliefs are generalized thoughts that act as automated filters that determine what
information we “let in.”

•

Beliefs can be empowering or limiting in the way they shape our experience.

•

The deep structure of what we mean is not always clearly communicated by what we say.
Our linguistic shorthand often reflects an overgeneralization. These are called Meta Model
violations and may “signal” us that we are acting from an old belief, and not current reality.

•

Meta-programs are thought patterns, based on generalizations (an efficiency strategy that the
brain uses) because we don’t have time to relearn everything. These patterns act as
automatic filters that help us make decisions; they tell us what’s okay for someone and
what’s not. They also filter out any evidence that’s contrary to the belief. Someone’s metaprograms are reflected in how they speak and behave.

•

Although there are more than forty meta-programs, six key ones to focus on are:
>

Options/Procedures

>

Toward/Away-From

>

Proactive/Reactive

>

Internal/External

>

General/Specific

>

Match/Mismatch

•

Predicates are sensory-based words that telegraph someone’s preferred representational
channel—visual, auditory, or kinesthetic. For example, “That sounds good to me,” “I hear
you loud and clear,” or “That rings true in my experience” are phrases usually indicating an
auditory representation of experience.

•

Your self-concept is a generalization about your behavior that is based on selecting
examples of events that demonstrate your qualities, collecting them together into a database,

and then using one example as a sort of summary—what cognitive linguists call a prototype.
•

When counter-examples are integrated into your database of examples, as examples of
learning, they strengthen the self-concept. Too many counter-examples, or counter-examples
that are too large or prominent, can threaten or destroy the self-concept.

•

When making changes to their self-concept, someone may discover more about how they
“work” and need to negotiate internal changes to get the best possible result (as Denise
did).

To enhance the skills you learned in this chapter, check out the recommended Bonus Activities at our
special “Essential Guide” website: http://eg.nlpco.com/4-10 or use the QR code with your phone.

Discoveries, Questions, Ideas, and Stuff You Want to Work On

Section Two: It’s All About Relationship

CHAPTER F IVE: M AKING COMFORTABLE CONNECTIONS

How come we don’t connect?

When we get too caught up in the busy-ness of the world, we lose connection with one another and
ourselves.
—Jack Kornfield

This quote is a great snapshot of how many people feel today. Section 1 was all about understanding
and making connections with yourself. This section focuses on making connections with others.
In this era of ever-evolving technology, experts say we communicate more than ever before because
we can so easily connect to information, to other people, to places all over the world. Others say that
these instantaneous, fleeting “touches” don’t really satisfy our need for human connection. And some
educators and business leaders fear that our reliance on electronic technologies will limit our ability
to communicate and connect in face-to-face situations.
What you’ll learn in this chapter will help you make positive first impressions and create rapport
with anyone you choose to—simply by making them feel safe and interesting. That may sound pretty
fundamental, and it is. Yet it’s not what most of us do when we initially meet and try to connect with
someone.

Internal Systems:
How You Work Is Similar to How Others Work
In the first section of this book, you discovered a lot about how your brain works and how you can
make changes so you function even more effectively. Everything you learned that goes on inside you
also goes on inside other people. We all have the same structure of experience. We receive some
kind of stimuli, either a memory or something coming in from outside; then the brain assigns a
meaning to it . . . that triggers emotions . . . and those emotions trigger a behavior:

To oversimplify things, this “process” is how we create our inner worlds, our personal “Maps.” Now
we’re moving into dealing with someone else, too—someone who has their own unique map! We’re
all processing, all the time, right? But here’s the thing. When we see other people, all this goes on so
fast that we just make assumptions about who they are. We stereotype: the person says this or does
that, therefore they’re a certain kind of person. Frequently, our judgments about another person, which
are really more like first impressions, are really nothing more than a reflection of our own internal
filters. That’s often where the problem starts.
What do we have to do inside ourselves before we can cleanly and effectively deal with this other
person? If you really want to “get” another person, it helps to drop your filters and find a way to be
aware of what you’re thinking. In fact, people who are really wonderful with others make it a point to
consciously check their own thinking. This helps them set aside their personal filters or mental
prejudices so they can get the real information as it comes in; they get what’s actually happening past
their personal filters. People who do this effectively are truly able to focus on the other person.
Because of this, they are considered “good company” and other folks enjoy being with them.

Inside Out:
How to Adjust Your Inner World to Be Better Company
As you learned in the last chapter, there are many experiences that have shaped the way you are today.
And now you know that you can change your experience, your responses, and even your self-concept.
Here’s a hard fact: Being the way you are is a choice. I’m not talking about things like being tall or
being Swedish. I’m talking about how you think, feel, and act. It may not always seem true, but it is.
As you’re aware, how we rewire ourselves is also a choice.

If you suddenly came into a lot of money and wanted to renovate and add on to your house, how might
you begin that process? You’d probably start by thinking of houses that you really liked. And, most
likely, you’d also give some thought to places you’ve lived, or seen, that you didn’t like, right? You’d
talk with trusted friends who know you well to get their recommendations, and you might even
involve them in the project.
Rewiring yourself is a lot like the process of designing and building a house. You start with the
foundation of who you are now. You evaluate the advantages and disadvantages of how you are today;
then you begin to imagine and integrate new possibilities, right? You could rewire your health-related
habits, the way you manage your financial decisions, or how you take care of your home. You can
change almost anything. For now, let’s focus on how you interact with others.

Discovery Activity:
Identifying Ways That You’re Good Company
Imagine looking into a virtual mirror where you can see movie clips of how you look, sound, and
behave when you’re with other people. What do you like best about how you interact with people?
Perhaps you’re a patient listener. Maybe you bring a lot of energy and laughter to conversations.
Maybe you’re well informed and interesting. What is it that makes you good company?
Take a moment now and think of a time when you felt good about yourself after a conversation. What
specifically do you like about what you did, how you behaved, what you said? Note these things.
Consider a few other situations where you felt good about how you interacted with someone, and
include specific behaviors or ways of being on the list you’re making.
These examples show you in the best light, don’t they?
Now it’s time to take a look at yourself in the harsh light of day; maybe it’s your bathroom mirror that
seems to age you ten years. Yikes! Based on this glimpse, identify at least two ways you could be
better company. These insights may come from things others have told you or you might find
memories of interactions where you were kind of whiny, bossy, aggressive, or not really present.
Reflecting back on these times might be uncomfortable, so it can be tempting to dismiss these as
exceptions. But wouldn’t you be relieved if you could do something so that there were no, or at least
very few, repeat performances? You can. And it’s your choice.
Maybe you’re a real sweetheart and you never create any friction. But perhaps, on the odd occasion
when you’re under stress, weary, or hungry, maybe that’s when these less desirable traits or behaviors
come out. Yours may be few, but most of us have them. If you sincerely want to become as good as

possible in dealing with others, it’s time to think about really exploring the ways you could be even
more enjoyable to be or communicate with. What are these? Add these opportunities to your list.
If you’re really committed, or at least brave, get feedback from people you live or work with. You
might say, “I’d like to get better at how I connect with people and I’m hoping you can help me by
candidly answering three quick questions.” Once you get their agreement, start by asking, “When you
think of interacting or spending time with me, what do you like best about that? What’s one thing
you’d like me to keep doing?”
They might say that they like how you really look at them when they’re telling you something, that they
feel like you’re not judging them, or that you always have good advice. Whatever they say, make sure
you understand it; you may even want to ask them to share a specific example so you can tap into the
memory or feeling they’re sharing with you. If you don’t understand it, it’s hard not to keep doing it or
do it more often.
Thank them for that feedback and ask them the next question. “If you could change one thing about
how I interact with you, what would that be? You’re important to me and I really want to know. What
would you like me to stop doing?” This may not be easy for you to ask, or for them to answer.
Remember, you’re looking for something that you can improve. They might say, “You’re always so
busy and rushed, I feel like I’m not important.” Or they may say, “I hate it when you check email or
accept phone calls when I’m trying to tell you something.” The reflection they show you may not be
welcome or pretty.
You might be thinking, “Wow, that was harsh” or “I only do that once in a while.” Breathe. Of course,
you don’t intend to be bossy, negligent, or condescending. But if the meaning of the communication is
the response that you’re getting back, then you want to change your approach so you get a different
response back, right?
When you ask these three questions, really try to hear the response. Remember, this person is
entrusting you with something that’s uncomfortable, something they wish were different. It’s important
to avoid being defensive and to make sure you understand what they mean. Acknowledge what they
said: “So, what I heard you say is that you’d like me to give you my full attention when we’re talking
and if something happens that I have to attend to right away, you’d like me to commit to a time when
we can pick up where we left off. Is that right? Thank you for telling me that. It’s very useful feedback
—and it’s something I’m very willing to work on.”
Asking this question can generate some emotional sparks and the other person may see this discussion
as an opportunity to get some other things off their chest. If so, you’ll have to decide how to handle
that in the moment or schedule a time to fully address their concerns. Later in this chapter, you’ll learn
some tips to help cool down emotional situations.
The final question is “If you could wave a magic wand to change how I interact with you, what’s one
thing you’d like me to start doing?” The answers to this question usually surprise me. The answers
don’t feel like criticism and they provide me with insight into what’s really important to that person.

This has been a blessing to me in personal and professional relationships.
Three simple questions—keep, stop, start. When asked with intention and sincerity, they can help you
immensely. Right now you’re probably already thinking about people you want to ask for feedback. I
recommend starting with easy situations first; perhaps it’s your favorite client, a friend who’s usually
complimentary, or a teacher who’s given you good advice in the past. Whomever you ask, thank them
for sharing their impressions with you. By responding, they’re taking a risk and making an investment
in your relationship.
Of course, the feedback you get reflects what the other person makes up in their mind, but again,
we’re the ones who are striving to be the most flexible because we want the most influence.
Therefore, it’s not about right or wrong, it’s simply about who’s going to be the most flexible.
Once you get feedback from others, add their input to your list. Knowing the ways you are good
company and the ways you can be easier to be around is a gift. If you act on the information people
share with you, you will be easier to be around. Happily, I’m proof of that.

Friction on the Line?
How the Three Parts of Your Brain Work Together
If you’ve reflected on your past experiences, you know what behaviors or ways of being you have that
you want to improve. Even with this awareness of your habits, your brain and your state of mind
affect how you radiate and what kind of vibe you’re sending out.
Here’s why. The brain has different parts—and these parts have different jobs. A New York Times
article titled “Inside the Mind of Worry” by David Ropeik explains this well.
Work on the neural roots of fear by the neuroscientist Joseph LeDoux of New York
University, and others, has found that in the complex interplay of slower, conscious reason
and quicker, subconscious emotion and instinct, the basic architecture of the brain ensures
that we feel first and think second. The part of the brain where the instinctive “fight or
flight” signal is first triggered—the amygdala—is situated such that it receives incoming
stimuli before the parts of the brain that think things over. Then, in our ongoing response to
potential peril, the way the brain is built and operates assures that we are likely to feel
more and think less.
This instinctive part of the brain is at work almost every time we meet someone. In fact, it’s probably
operating when you walk into a dark room. At some level, the amygdala is sort of saying to the higher
brain, “Pay attention. Look around. Make sure everything’s okay.”
This situation is kind of like a pan of water that’s set on simmer. As long as the water is warming and

on simmer, there’s no problem. The amygdala communicates with the higher brain, and the higher
brain can analyze and solve problems and reduce danger. That’s fine.
However, when it boils over, then that’s it. Now the thinking brain shuts off because the amygdala is
saying “Run! Run!” or “Get ready to fight!” At that point, you’re not going to be very successful in
managing yourself to deal with others. And if you’re dealing with somebody who’s in that state,
you’re not going to be able to talk to their higher brain, either.
People are being driven by different aspects of their brain at different times. So it’s important to be
aware of where they are and how resourceful they might be in their current state of mind. When we
encounter somebody in traffic, they may be driving with raw emotion, like anger. It’s really dangerous
and I see it a lot. When you’re the passenger where the driver is flipping people off, honking their
horn, or cutting other cars off in traffic, there’s no real way to have a conversation with them that’s
going to be at a higher level, or to have any sort of reasonable interaction.
I want to mention the multifaceted brain because we’re always shifting back and forth between its
different parts. When we’re in conversation with someone else, we want to be able to move from the
feeling parts of the brain to the thinking parts so that we can actually talk. That means that we want to
reduce the possibility of amygdala hijack, ours and theirs. We want to calm this part down. We want
to make the other person feel safe, and then we can have a conversation with them.

Too Much of a Good Thing? The Role of Empathy
One of my clients, a twenty-nine-year-old social worker, asked me if it was possible to have too
much empathy. She went on to explain that she was worried that she was sometimes so empathetic
that she felt like she lost herself a little.
As we talked about this concern, my thought was—and this is a generalization—“This is something I
hear from my other female clients and friends.” Like my wife, Laura often wrestles with her early
conditioning of being a good little girl—struggling to balance the childhood messages she got with
her present-day experiences and needs.
Because being empathetic with others is a good skill to have, I wanted to make sure Laura decided to
develop additional resources, rather than “bench” this one. So I encouraged her to intentionally
notice throughout the day what perceptual position she was in, and to experiment with each of the
three different perceptual positions. I advised her that whenever she felt too deeply involved with
another person’s feelings to step outside herself and ask, “Am I going too far? How am I feeling
inside? What are my feelings?”
You might be wondering what perceptual positions are. We played in this neighborhood during
Chapter 2 when we explored association and disassociation—the sub-modalities of being “in” the
picture or mental movie or outside it. Let’s talk briefly about the three perceptual positions because
understanding this will really help you when interacting with other people.

When we’re really mentally healthy, we flicker around between first, second, and third positions, as
appropriate. And we can go too far with any of the positions.
First Position
First position is where you’re in your own body. You see everything through your eyes and you know
exactly how you feel. You know what you want, and that’s a position of great authenticity. It can also
be a kind of infantile position. After all, it’s the perceptual position we had when we were babies,
right? At that point, we really knew what we wanted. “I’m hungry. I’m cold. I’m wet.” That’s all we
knew then and we yelled until we got it addressed. You probably know some adults who still operate
like this. When people get stuck in first position, we describe them as narcissistic or immature. In
NLP, some people also refer to this position as self.
Second Position
Second position is what my client was talking about. That’s the position where you’re very, very
simpatico to another person. You feel someone else’s pain. If you’re in second position, you might get
someone a glass of water before they even know they’re thirsty. It’s a position of great solicitation
and understanding of others. When we go too far with second position, we tend to be oversolicitous
and overdependent, and that’s often referred to as codependency. In NLP, some people refer to this
position as other.
Third Position
In NLP, the third position is often called the observer position. That’s where you’re outside a
situation and you just sort of record what’s happening. You see what’s going on, completely separate
from yourself, like an objective reporter might. It’s a position where you can evaluate yourself and
options. (That’s what you did when you played with stepping out of your picture or mental movie in
Chapter 2.)
Scientists frequently operate from third position, as do surgeons, engineers, and professional
performers. People who work in these professions benefit from stepping outside themselves to judge
what’s going on. And because there’s not a lot of emotion in third position, they can effectively
determine what’s working and what changes might be helpful. What’s the drawback? Well, if someone
gets stuck in third position, they’re sort of habitually detached, and people feel like they can’t ever
really connect with them.
Again, the goal is to take advantage of these different options. Go into first position to get clarity
about how you feel. To try something on from someone else’s point of view, briefly go into second
position. To evaluate a situation and solutions, go into third position for objectivity.

A Case in Point: Intentional Use of Perceptual Positions
Let’s take an example of something that happened to me during the early days of studying NLP that
beautifully illustrates the usefulness of shifting between perceptual positions.
Back then, I had a girlfriend who wasn’t sure what to make of NLP, how it was changing me, and how
passionate I was about it. In an effort to put her at ease and maybe even get her excited about it, I said,
“I’d really like you to come to this introductory talk about NLP and just hear about it. In my
enthusiasm, I don’t think I’ve done a good job describing it to you. Maybe my favorite teacher, Robert
McDonald, will.”
She agreed to come. And, during the activities, we got separated. It was quite a large room and we
were all engaged in activities with other people. I thought it would be useful to her to see several
processes without having her experience influenced or contaminated by me.
At the lunch break, she came over to me and said, “I’m going home. I feel terrible.”
I said, “Wow, what happened?”
She said, “Oh, I went up to talk to the trainer. I just asked him a simple question and he bit my head
off.”
I thought, “That doesn’t sound likely to me.” But I gave her the car keys and told her to head on home
and I would get a ride from somebody at the end of the day.
Later that afternoon, I went up to the trainer and discussed it with him. I said, “I brought a guest and
you kind of fried her. She was feeling bad enough that she actually left.”
He said, “Oh, I remember. She did come up and ask me a question,” and then he did an interesting
thing. He went through his memory of the interaction with my girlfriend, using all three perceptual
positions. He went through it first as himself and said, “Let’s see, I was in the middle of talking with
somebody else and she came up and asked a question. I said, ‘Hang on a moment. I want to answer
that, but I need to finish this process.’ “
I said, “You know, she’s really shy and it wasn’t easy to even get her to join me today. It probably
took a hell of a lot for her to come and approach you.” Then he went into second position. He became
her, and he thought, “Well, yeah, I can see if I were shy, and hesitant about being here, if I came up to
the trainer and he put me off like that, it might have felt a little abrupt to me.”
Then he went to third position and, from outside, he saw the two of them interacting and thought, “You
know, that really wasn’t beyond the pale. I asked her very kindly if she would just wait a moment, but
I understand how she might have taken it the wrong way. Can I apologize to her?” I said, “I don’t
know. I don’t think she’s ever coming back. I just don’t know.”
He asked for her phone number and he called her that afternoon to apologize. It was very interesting
how he did it. He apologized for any part he might have played in how she was feeling, but he made
clear to her that her feelings were her creation and not his.

He let her know that it was not his intent to make her uncomfortable, and that he was not angry with
her or irritated. He told her that he just needed to complete a conversation he was having with the
first person who had approached him with a question. He explained that he was treating that first
person the way my girlfriend wanted to be treated. I think she got it, because she came back the next
day.
This story shows the value of each perceptual position. If you’re feeling a little too sucked into
somebody or into a situation, get back in to your body. The anchor that you created in Chapter 1 can
help you do that, because it’s an anchor of power, and it’s a first position anchor. When you touch that
place on your middle finger, it should return you to yourself.
In industrialized societies, we are not encouraged to stay in first position. We’re encouraged to get out
of it. Girls are taught not to be selfish; they’re pushed into second position. They hear “Be polite, be
nice, be helpful, don’t be outspoken.”
And boys are taught not to cry. They’re kicked out of first position into third: “Don’t be a baby; this is
the way things are. Be a man.” In business and in sports, even though there’s a lot of emotion, males
are taught not to take it personally. It’s like the Mafia. A guy shoots his friend and he says, “It’s just
business.”
I remember when I was in sixth grade, I was playing football with a friend of mine for the first time.
He actually hit me below the waist. He said he was sorry and that it wasn’t personal. What he did
took me out of the lineup and I was kind of brokenhearted that my friend would deliberately hurt me
just to get past me in a game. But I learned the code, “It’s nothing personal, buddy. It’s just business or
it’s just a game.”
I know how I feel when I’m in my body. I know exactly how I feel. I have no clue about how you feel
because I’m in my body. I know how I do it. But I don’t know how you do it. How can I find out how
you do it? I can find out how you do it by stepping outside myself and empathizing with you.
As we go into opportunities of dealing with another person, I want to be clear that many of these
activities encourage the second position. It’s a useful place to visit, but you can’t really live there.
You go there to gain information; you don’t stay there. It’s only your place to gather information about
how other people really are. You want to live in first position—and briefly visit the other two.

Instant Processing: What Your Filters Process First
When we first meet someone, our brains begin to instantly process information about what we see,
hear, and feel. To help people understand and remember this process, Rick Middleton, the founder of
Executive Expression in Los Angeles, created an acronym—GGNEE. In a first meeting, here’s what
we’d initially notice about someone. In this order, we notice that person’s:
Gender. It’s not because of how they’re dressed, it’s because we’re biological critters that come in

two versions, so the first thing we notice is what version the other person is.
Generation or age. Are they children? Are they of reproductive age? Are they older? Are they wise?
Are they a dependent?
Nationality or ethnicity. Basically what color, what type of person they are.
Educational level. As we talk to them or as we see how they’re dressed, we’ll draw some
conclusions about their educational level, which is sort of socioeconomic.
Emotions. After taking in and processing these other details, then we sort of fantasize about their
emotions. What do they seem to be feeling?
This processing happens incredibly quickly—bam! It’s so fast that our receiver turns off and now
we’re no longer open to receiving any real or original information from these people. We’re just
stuck in the efficiency of generalization.
So how do people geniuses handle it?
Although people who are masterful at understanding and connecting with others also have these
filters, they understand and are aware of how their brain works. When they notice they’re getting
stereotypes or generalized impressions, they set those filters aside. They don’t go there anymore; they
open themselves up to another person. Instead of being self-concerned, they manage to turn down the
inner noise and focus on the other person.
This conscious habit is one I’m hoping you’ll practice and master. If we’re going to be really good
with other people, we need to rewire ourselves so that we don’t let our judgments, opinions, or
beliefs, our dissonance or uneasiness, take the attention away from the other person.
If we don’t have peace of mind, if we’re not comfortable with ourselves, if we’re feeling the slightest
bit insecure or incongruent, guess what happens? The other person begins to feel insecure. They feel
like we’re uneasy—so they get uneasy. They get distrustful.
Managing your inner state is important. What you learned about yourself from the discovery activities
in the last few chapters will contribute to positive preconditioning that will enable you to be even
better company.

Discovery Activity:
Identifying Ways Other People Are Good Company
When you look inside your own mind and your own memories now, think of the people whom you
consider good company, people that you like being around and who make you feel good.

When I think of the most entertaining people I know, I think of the life-of-the-party types. But they’re
not the people who make me feel good. Frankly, they make me feel kind of inadequate. The people
who make me feel good are the people who are at peace inside and who seem to genuinely be
interested in me and to care about me. Is that true for you, too?
When you think about the qualities of companionship that attract you, that make you feel safe, make
you feel valuable, you get a really good idea about the qualities that you want to build in yourself.
So, right now, think of someone you like being around, someone that, when you’re with them, you feel
good. What is it about them that contributes to these good feelings? Make note of special traits,
behaviors, or ways of being.
Now think of another person who’s good company for you. What are their special traits, behaviors, or
ways of being? Compare this list to the first one you made (earlier in this chapter) so you have a
robust list of desired behaviors that you want to include as you make changes to your patterns. Note
any that are qualities you want to build or strengthen in yourself. Keep in mind that you can repeat this
process whenever you notice yourself enjoying someone’s company, or witness someone who’s
masterful at building rapport and relationships.
When you compare these discoveries with the list you made a few minutes ago. you’ll notice items on
the list that echo something you already identified. These repeated things might be the ones offering
the greatest leverage to make a significant change. Also note any new traits or behaviors that you’d
like to integrate into how you interact with others.

An Inside Job: How to Help Other People Feel Safe
We said earlier that making the other person feel safe is key to creating a connection. To accomplish
this, you must control your own incongruence, nervousness, or feelings of insecurity. That’s not about
other people; that’s an inside job.
Some of us, who have an issue with doing this, talk about being shy. When, in fact, it’s the way we’re
thinking that makes us shy. That shyness is going to set off an alert in other people’s brains because
it’s going to make them very uneasy. Basically, it communicates that we’re so self-involved that we’re
not really paying attention. We’re nervous, our eyes are darting around, we’re shifting our weight or
fidgeting, you get the picture. These behaviors are not conducive to comfort. To make someone else
comfortable, we have to be comfortable within ourselves. This inside work must be done before we
can put someone at ease when interacting with us.
The interesting thing is, one way to get comfortable is to focus on the other person instead of on you.
Instead of being stuck, you stay in first position, but you focus on the other person from within your
first position. You operate from an intention to make the other person feel safe.

Not Just Imitation:
How Mirroring and Matching Help You Make Connections
Here’s how you do that. You use your second position to sense how they’re doing and you allow
yourself to subtly match someone’s physical movements, doing what they do with their body.
Although the content and quality of conversations can determine how our bodies match or mismatch
each other, the way our bodies, gestures, and tones match or mismatch can influence the actual
conversation.
The difference between matching and mimicking is that mimicking is really overt and it can tick
people off or make them very suspicious. If someone experiences your mirroring as mimicking, it’ll
create dissonance, not harmony. What you really want to do is subtly match the way they’re seated,
the position of their hands, how fast they’re talking, or their rate of breathing.

An Example: Natural Rapport in Action
Here’s a story about natural rapport from my early NLP training. I walked into the room after a break
and discovered that the chairs had been rearranged. I looked at the room and saw pairs of chairs that
had been placed back-to-back. I noticed that a lady I’d been seated near earlier was now sitting in
one chair and a friend of mine was standing near her, and he invited me to sit in the other chair. As I
began to sit in the open chair with my back to Ruth, she said, “We have to talk.”
Her tone was intentionally a bit nasty, knowing that it’s a rare man who could hear those words from
a woman without getting a little chill down his spine. I felt a little uneasy and asked, “What’s this
about?” She laughed and said she was just kidding me.
Then the instructor directed us to have a conversation with each other, without seeing each other,
simply sitting back-to-back. He told us to have a discussion about anything and that we were
supposed to agree with each other. That’s all we needed to do.
As the observer, Steve, who was the third person in our group, was told to just watch us and notice
whatever he noticed. They didn’t give us any information about what to expect at all, so we began a
conversation—what a nice day it was, how much we were enjoying the training, how interesting some
of these discoveries were, and so forth.
This went on for a while and then the instructor stopped us and said, “Okay, now I would like you to
have a conversation where you disagree.” So I decided to get even with Ruth and started immediately
by saying, “Well, I think women have way too many rights in this society. It was a lot better when they
were just stuck in the bedroom.”
Ruth was a ship’s captain in a fishing fleet, a very, very smart, tough woman. I knew this comment
would send her up like a rocket. So she came back at me and we had a pretty lively conversation for a

few minutes. Then the trainer interrupted us again.
He told us to turn our chairs around and face him. Next, instead of asking us anything, he asked the
assigned observers to share what they noticed, and it was amazing. One after another, the observers
said that when the partners were having an agreeable conversation, no matter how we had been sitting
when the exercise began, our posture actually changed and mirrored the person whose back was to us.
Steve reported that Ruth and I not only had our legs crossed the same way and our heads tilted in the
same direction, but we were also gesturing in synchrony.
When you hear something two or three times, you may think it’s a coincidence, but we were hearing
the same remarks a couple dozen times. All the observers were saying the same thing. It was really
strange to me. I had no personal awareness of this, since I was sitting with my back to Ruth, and I
wasn’t watching the other pairs.
Then the instructor asked what happened when the partners were engaged in a conversation where
they disagreed. You’re probably not surprised at the punch line. We went completely out of sync with
each other. In no case, and there were probably two dozen pairs of chairs doing this particular
experiment, were the parties matching up. Even if they were in synchrony earlier, the mirroring
disappeared. Body positions were more closed, and different from one another. Their gestures and
facial expressions were out of tune with each other.
This experience was really instructive and I recommend that you notice how these indicators of
harmony and discord are at work as you experience or observe conversations that are agreeable—and
those that are more conflict-oriented. The process of being in or out of synchrony with someone is
called “Mirroring” in NLP.
So, like the story I just shared, when we really want to be in rapport with somebody, we naturally
mirror and match them. This is not complicated. You don’t have to remember too many things here.
You have to have an intention to be in rapport with another person. How do you do that? A great way
is to be very curious about their emotional state and “try on” whatever you imagine that to be.
As you get into synchrony with them in terms of their body language, you’ll notice there are space
requirements. You don’t want to crowd people and you don’t want to be too far away, either. You’re
probably aware that people from different cultures have different space requirements. I’m half Irish
and half Assyrian. So the Assyrian part of me would want to get right up in someone’s face, where I
can smell someone’s breath; that’s the Middle Eastern way. The Irish part of me would lean toward
the traditional European way, which favors more distance.
Despite my heritage, I grew up in suburban Los Angeles and was raised with the distance
requirements that are typically accepted here. I find that if I’m talking with somebody from another
culture who gets close to me, I’m aware of it but it no longer makes me uncomfortable. It used to—
and with some people it will create a subliminal dislike. And, if you’re too far away, it will create a
subliminal dislike because they’ll feel that you don’t want to be near them or you don’t like them.
You’ll find that eighteen to thirty-six inches apart is generally a reasonable space for most

conversations, close enough to reach out and touch someone, but not so close that you’re right in their
personal space.

A Focus on Them, Not You:
How to Create a Sense of Being Felt
A key element of safety and acceptance is feeling felt. To do that, shift your focus from you to them.
Here are three easy ways to do that.

Just One Look: Eye Contact and “the Gaze”
To help someone feel seen, you need to make eye contact with them, right? Probably as a kid, you
glared at somebody in anger. You might have even been able to get away with that with your parents
when you couldn’t talk back to them. I couldn’t get away with what we called the “hairy eyeball”
with my dad because my dad was way too sensitive about that kind of behavior. But as kids, my
brother and I would glare at each other in anger and in threat.
And yet, a gaze can also be inviting, can’t it? As adults, when we feel flirtatious and want to make a
kind of romantic connection with somebody, we might look at them a little longer, too.
Through unconscious teaching, we’ve all learned the amount of time that it’s polite to look at a
person’s eyes. You can, of course, look at them longer when they’re talking to you. And when you do
it with positive intention, it gives them the feeling they’re really being seen and heard. This eye
contact has to do with the length of time that you lock eyes with a person. I call this “the gaze.”
Holding someone’s gaze is fun to experiment with. It’s something you can easily do and you’ll be
delighted with the internal and external results. For example, you can look at a person when they’re
talking to you, then look away, and then look back at them. What you might not be aware of is the
amount of awareness that the other person has about this kind of attention. It actually changes the way
they feel about themselves, the way they feel about you, and the way they gauge the value of what
they’re saying.
So try this. Look directly at a person whom you might ordinarily dismiss, like a waiter, a toll taker, or
a store clerk who answers a question you’ve asked. Normally we don’t look at these people for very
long. We glance away because we’re on a mission. We’re anxious. But if you look at them half a
second longer, what happens is you make a direct human connection with them. That’s all you need to
do. It acknowledges them as an individual.
It also is important to look directly into a person’s eyes when you say “Thank you” or “Please.” Even
if you’re just asking for more ketchup, you’ll get better service if you meet the server’s eyes directly,
instead of just looking at your plate or your dinner companion and saying, “Can I have more ketchup,

please?”
If you stop and look at the waitress and say, “Can I have more ketchup, please?” and she says, “Sure,”
hold her eyes and say, “Thanks a lot.” It’s surprising—all of a sudden, you jump up in priority. It’s a
tiny change, but it’s like nuclear power. Remember, people need to feel safe and at ease. So if your
interest is too intense, it can feel carnivorous. It has to be enjoyable. Try this subtle, longer gaze and
notice how your interactions shift.
To make a person feel felt, you’ll want to subtly mirror them and get into sync with them. But you also
need to sincerely make them feel seen and interesting. Lots of people feel that they have not been
recognized by the world. And you may not be aware of this, but most people don’t feel okay. Many
people don’t feel understood. They feel like they’re being treated like they’re objects.
If, for example, someone is your customer, then you want to be careful to remember that they’re a
person, too, and that they have value to you beyond a business transaction. They’re human beings, no
matter what their role.

Tell Me More: Questions That Get Them Talking
It doesn’t matter if someone is a police officer, doctor, CEO, janitor, or thirteen-year-old soccer
player. Everyone is a human being first, so they have feelings. They will be aware of their own
feelings first when they’re dealing with another person. It’s amazing how feelings drive our behaviors
—whether we’re aware of those feelings or not.
The thing to do here is to get in sync with another person body language–wise, and then instead of
talking, ask questions and listen. This is huge. Experts say, “Be interested, not interesting.” So how
do you make the other person feel felt? Simple: you relax, back off, and allow your attention to rest on
them.
What many of us do when we get together with another person, especially when we’re nervous or
keyed up, is to increase our intensity. We persuade, encourage, argue, push, entertain, tell them a lot
about ourselves, and that overburdens people. What people really are good at is knowing how they’re
doing.
So if you listen, ask questions, and reflect back, it’s an easier, softer, less demanding way to engage
with somebody. Rather than lead with “So tell me a little bit about yourself,” think of it as a detective
game where you want to learn as much about them as you can without subjecting them to an
interrogation. What works well for me is to ask, “How’d you get into what you do?” And usually, the
person will tell me things that I find pretty informative, and that’s only the beginning. I want to keep
the conversation flowing, so I don’t say, “Okay, thanks.” Instead, I say, “That’s interesting. What do
you like best about what you do?”
These are just a couple examples. You can ask, “What are you trying to accomplish that’s important to
you in your business or in your life?” You don’t phrase it that way if you’re dealing with somebody

with a different vocabulary. You might say, “What’s most important to you?” “What do you like the
most?” or “What are your plans for the summer or the holiday?”
If they say, “I’m going camping with my family,” say, “That’s interesting. What do you like most about
that?”
The reason I ask this is that someone might say, “The thing I like most about camping is the people
you might meet,” or they may tell you, “What I like most about camping is the food,” or “The thing I
like most about it is the smells.” Another person may explain that it’s the activities—it’s hiking,
rafting, or it’s seeing their kids when the damn television isn’t on. You’ll discover their reasons, and
this will give you more information about who these people are.
Then, when they’ve told you something, say, “Oh, that’s fascinating. Why is that important to you?”
It’s a little like a tennis volley—your goal is to keep the ball in play, not hit a smash return or place
the ball so far out of range that they cannot easily make the next move.
In addition to asking good follow-up questions to demonstrate that you’re listening, you want to
reflect back. When someone feels that you heard and understood them, they’ll let you know, and often
they open the door to talking with you longer or more deeply.
So, pursuing the example we’ve been playing with, you could reflect back by saying, “So, the most
important thing to you about going camping is that you spend time with your family and you have
better connection?”
“Yeah!”
“Well, what’s it like at home?”
“Well, you know, we hardly ever see each other. We rarely even sit down to dinner together.”
“Oh, it must be really busy for you at home.”
And they might say, “Yeah, it is.”
“Do you work long hours? What’s your job? What do you do?”
Or, in response to it must be really busy for you, they say: “Well, I’ve got this project and I’m really
active in the local radio club, so we do rescue work.”
If you’re genuinely interested when you’re talking with someone, you’ll find as you begin asking
questions that they will be more disclosing. You’ll notice that they begin leaning forward or toward
you. We’ll explore nonverbal behaviors more in the next chapter.
Basically, what we’re talking about now is how to make a good first impression, which is very
simple. To summarize, make sure that you’re okay and then look at making the other person feel okay.
A good first impression is 50 percent an inside job of managing yourself so the other person feels
safe, and then 50 percent of managing the conversation so the other person feels interesting and
appreciated.

I Get It: Questions That Show You Care How They Feel
In addition to asking questions that show you’re interested in them, you can ask questions that let them
know that you care how they feel. Again, instead of giving them a lot of information, you get a lot of
information.
If you hit a nerve or if they come up with something they feel strongly about, you can attach emotion to
it. You can say, “I’m trying to get a sense of what you’re feeling, and I think it’s this. That thing really
irritates you, is that correct? And if it’s not, what are you feeling?” They will confirm what you said
or share more information. People are not always accustomed to someone caring about how they feel,
let alone talking about that. Yet we can explore these things in a way where they feel safe and
validated.
Your goal is to demonstrate that you care more about how they feel than about making them feel any
certain way.
The most important thing about NLP, and the reason I organized the book the way I have, is to give us
power over ourselves, and our automated, sometimes unconscious patterns. As we gain this kind of
inner influence and do the change work on ourselves, we will become better company, which enables
us to have more enjoyable interactions and relationships.

Changing Lights: Warnings That Signal a Disconnect
I want to underscore two things we talked about earlier—attention-direction and intensity—and how
important it is to notice the response our efforts to engage someone are getting. For example, my wife
is a very energetic and outgoing person. Early in our relationship, I noticed that when she was eager
to tell a story, she’d say, “And . . . and . . . so . . .” and pretty soon she’d lose her audience. Because
they didn’t get it or they were preoccupied, she pushed a little harder to make her point. She hardly
ever does this now, but she used to, especially with her sons. Now, when she talks with them, she
looks for warning signals that they’re disengaging.
We call this “zooming out”; it’s a little like going into the third perceptual position. And this is
particularly useful when we get intense. When we’re excited or feeling a bit desperate, we sometimes
find ourselves trying to encourage, trying to persuade, trying to assert. These intense behaviors push
people away. It’s that old foot-in-the-door salesman or telemarketer who continues long after you
politely said no. To avoid this, pay attention to how someone is responding to you. When you notice
someone’s lack of interest or a change of being in sync, step back, stop talking, and let them lead.
I had an opportunity to do this at a family brunch just the other day in the Bay Area. I was talking
about NLP to the young husband of a cousin of my wife’s. Because he’d asked me about it, I thought
he was interested.
As soon as I began talking about this passion of mine, I saw him look away. That was my cue, so I
said, “Well, let’s leave this for another time when we’re not in the middle of a family brunch. So tell

me about your new car,” and he immediately brightened up. I just dropped my topic. I just recognized
and respected his lack of interest at that time and moved into something else.
Boy, if years ago I’d known how marvelous this flexibility is, it would have saved me so much
hassle. But I know now. And when I look back and see people in my life who were gracious and
clever with other people, I realize, “Oh yeah, somehow they knew this early on.”

More Choice Is Better:
How Being Versatile Helps You Connect
Earlier, you learned the NLP presupposition that the most flexible element in a system has the most
influence. As you change yourself, become more peaceful inside your head . . . more intrigued by the
changes you make . . . less subject to involuntary emotions . . . and more flexible in how you
communicate, the people around you will change, too. You’ll find that the way they respond to the
new you is somehow different. So the easiest way to change our experience of other people is to
change ourselves.
As you do that and as you look at other people, you begin to realize, “Oh, if I’m moving into this
interaction and I’m concerned about how the other person thinks about me, or I’m concerned about
making my point, or I’m concerned about being well liked, that’s going to be counterproductive.”
Sometimes when you make changes that you think everyone around you will be thrilled about, you’re
in for a surprise. For example, a forty-eight-year-old friend of mine who was an IT guy had been
overweight for years—and so had his sister. Somehow he got into running and eventually even did a
marathon. He told me that the thinner he became, the more it upset his sister. He said, “I think she
takes it as a criticism, when I just want to feel better. I just want to be able to take care of my family
and not be a burden.” He was clear that this was more important than his sister’s being a bit upset,
jealous, or scared that she was now alone in her problem. Remember, you, too, may experience this
kind of ripple effect.
The most important thing that I can do is to approach another person with a sense of curiosity,
expectation, optimism, and interest. “There’s going to be something fascinating about this other
individual—I wonder what that will be. Because everyone is unique and knows something special,
I’m going to learn something by talking with them. And I don’t know what that is. This is going to be
cool!”
As you may recall from discussions in Section 1, our expectations shape our experience, right? When
you have that sort of curious and positive expectation, you can become sort of magnetic. Just think
about it in your own life. People like that seem to magically draw others to them, don’t they?
As you well know, some people are easier to talk with than others. You may call these folks difficult,
moody, closed, or prickly; how you refer to them doesn’t matter. What does matter is what you do

with the feelings you have about them, or about interacting with them.

A Case in Point: The Importance of Versatility in Difficult Situations
Here’s a story that illustrates how the wheels can come off in a conversation, maybe even kind of
derail a relationship, and what you can do about it. When I asked my client, Terry, a thirty-six-yearold accountant, to give me an example of people with whom she has a difficult time communicating,
she said, “It’s hard for me to communicate with people who are accusatory in what they say or how
they say it.”
When I asked for a “for instance,” she told me her son said, “You left the lights on!” Now, this was
specific, but I didn’t immediately understand why she felt it was accusatory. Frustrated with me, she
said, “He was just being passive-aggressive. It’s not because the light was on, it’s because he was
already angry about something.” She went on to explain that when her son bought a new house and
showed it to her with pride, she simply said, “It’s really nice.” She didn’t respond with a lot of
enthusiasm, “This is gorgeous! This is beautiful! This is blah, blah, blah.”
When I asked if she thought he was disappointed because he’d hoped she would have been more
impressed, she said, “Well, if he was, he should have told me that instead of being accusatory all the
time.” So that’s when their relationship started to derail—and they became sort of locked in this new
dance. To help shift their pattern of communicating, I thought it might be useful for Terry to learn how
to cool someone off when emotions are running high.
Here’s the short version of what I recommended. I invited Terry to consider that her son’s feelings
were hurt because she hadn’t been enthusiastic enough; then he displaced these feelings and acted out
in another way. Most of us do that at one time or another.
Next, I asked her to imagine her son in that moment again, when he was first showing her the new
house and she said, “It’s really nice,” and to notice what emotion he seemed to be feeling. She said it
was sadness, sadness that she wasn’t impressed.
Here was a fork in the road. I said, “So if you noticed he was sad, then you could have said, ‘I get a
feeling that you’re sad, sad that I didn’t make the right compliment. Is that true?’ ” She explained that
she didn’t recognize this in the moment; that, in fact, it wasn’t until a year later that she put all the
pieces together. Even so, we were talking now about how she could handle him. We discussed that
it’s not about how she felt or feels at this point in time; it’s about addressing the other person’s
feelings so they feel like you want to understand and connect with them.
Asking Questions That Show You Care How They Feel
The thing to do when somebody is emotional is to attach an emotion. I’ve tried this and it works like
magic. You might say, “I’ve got the feeling that you’re angry. Is that true? Or upset. Is that true?” If
they say, “No, I’m not,” then I say, “I’m sorry. If it’s not that, what are you feeling?” and I get back

whatever the person chooses to tell me.
The next thing I want to do is to understand how big this is for them. So I usually say something like “I
see. How upset are you?” or “I see, and you’re upset because . . .” At this point, it’s important to give
them all the time they need to vent, because you’re asking these questions so the person can express
their feelings, not so you can gather information.
Again, this goes back to the sense that many of us feel undervalidated. Since I started studying this,
I’m amazed at how often I find this to be true. I’m astonished. It not only works with my consulting
clients, but it apparently also works in serious situations because I read this in a hostage negotiation
handbook. It was amazing that the most successful negotiators are the ones who instead of reading the
mind of another person, they just go far enough to try to guess at what the other person’s emotion is
and then they feed that back. The goal here is to allow the other person to know that you know what
they are feeling.
So the question is “I’m trying to get a sense of what you’re feeling and I think you’re feeling sad. Is
that on target? If it’s not that, what are you feeling?”
Terry and I played out several scenarios of how things might unfold if she asked her son this question.
And how she might need to explore his response to make sure she really understood it. To do this, we
role-played: “So how pissed are you, or how sad are you?” And then, after giving her son all the time
needed to form a response, we role-played “And the reason you’re so pissed is because . . . ?”
At this point in our little psychodrama, Terry realized she didn’t know how he would respond to this
open-ended question. He might say, “I’m pissed because you blew me off” . . . or “because you were
inconsiderate” . . . or “because you never liked my wife” . . . or “because you never approve of
anything I do.” Terry came to understand that it didn’t matter what her son actually says. That specific
thing is not that important. What’s important is the exchange itself.
None of this is problem solving! All of this is simply allowing people to say what’s true for them.
Let’s quickly review the approach that Terry and I worked through. Up to this point, we’ve asked four
things. (1) We’ve asked the other person to attach an emotion. (2) We’ve asked what the emotion was.
(3) We’ve asked how emotional they are. And (4) we’ve asked the reason why they’re so emotional.
We’ve allowed them to say whatever they want to say, and we have not argued at all.
Exploring Next Steps
The fifth question is “What needs to happen for that feeling to be better?” The important part here is
that you’re allowing the person to go inside themselves and find out what needs to change.
When we discussed the possibility of Terry asking her son this, we explored how she might hear
“Well, I need you to apologize,” or “I need you to leave immediately,” or “I want you to like my
wife,” or whatever it happens to be.

When most people have a complaint, you’ll notice that they want someone else or circumstance to
change. It’s often something external. So just accept that and never argue.
Once you know what the upset person wants, you can ask two more questions. First, “What part can I
play in making that happen?” After you hear what they want you to do, then you say, “And what part
can you play in making that happen?”
Here’s what’s true. When we can play a part in creating the change someone wants, they can probably
play a part, too. Once the other person feels heard and felt, we’ve moved into a constructive dialogue.
Terry agreed to try this approach and she later told me that, even though it was uncomfortable for her,
it did jump-start communication with her son. They had a real dialogue and her son knew that she
really did care how he felt, which was the first step to healing things between them.

No Spin: Just Positive Intent and Authentic Inquiry
As you imagine doing this with people in your life, this approach may seem pretty radical. People talk
about winning people over with razzle-dazzle, dress for success, and persuasive positioning. I’ve
come to understand that what really works in communication is relaxing with the other person, being
nice to them, and keeping the focus on them.
Here’s why this works. Most people are really doing the best they can. Again, that’s not Pollyanna
thinking, that’s just reality. And if you want to be efficient and effective in navigating bumps in
communication and relationships, you have to be authentic. You have to give other people the credit
for their humanity.
You’ll find that the magical part of deciding to get along with somebody else is when you change
yourself—all of a sudden you get along better with them and with other people, too. That’s the
marvelous part of this. It’s easy. We don’t have to do anything to anybody else. We make a little
alteration in the way we think and the way we manage our feelings and it’s like magic. Abracadabra,
we easily get along better with people.
It was surprising, and a little bit embarrassing, when a dear friend told me how much I had changed
during the course of my NLP training. To be honest, I thought I was a pretty nice guy beforehand. I
mean I had friends, I was successful in ways that were important to me at the time, but I was told by a
number of people who knew me earlier that since I began studying NLP, I became more approachable
and easier to be around.
I wasn’t really sure what approachable meant, since I’m not outside myself. But when I step into third
position and just observe myself, I see this big guy with a deep voice, who talks fast, moves fast, and
takes initiative to make a lot happen. That could be kind of off-putting. I can see that. If I were a
person who’s gentler, more thoughtful, more deliberate, somebody like me could seem pretty damn
abrasive.

I never realized that. I thought I was just being an action-oriented guy, making a difference, getting
things done. I thought I was being a brave soldier, so it was really astonishing for me to realize that
for some people that act was a little hard to take. That’s why I say the good news here is that the
biggest part of getting along well with others is an inside job.
If you’re loaded with stereotypes and if you think you know too much about what other people are
really like, you’re likely to get into trouble. You’re not going to actually hear the person, and they’re
going to know it. If you’re too preoccupied with meeting your own needs, with getting feedback from
someone that says you are a great person, if you need to be interesting more than you want to be
interested in others, then you’re going to put people off.
Here’s what you should be asking yourself: “How can I interact with another person? What can I
learn from them?”
The impact this shift could have reminds me of the nineteenth-century story about Johnny Appleseed.
It’s an American myth about a guy who wandered across the country casting apple seeds onto the
ground and leaving beautiful apple trees wherever he wandered.
It’s kind of a sweet thing to think about. Wouldn’t it be nice if, like Johnny Appleseed, we could
scatter curiosity . . . optimism . . . self-approval . . . hope . . . and acceptance wherever we passed?
By actually recognizing people, really interacting with them, being interested in them, and
complimenting them, you can. It’s amazing how much you can sincerely change the way people feel
about themselves.
You can begin to play with this right away, and see for yourself how magical it is. You have
everything you need to practice. First, you have your own brain to fine-tune, and you can do that
whenever you decide to sit down and go inside and see what’s going on. And you have other people.
You can experiment with them endlessly. You’ve been doing it all your life anyway. Now you can do
it a little more deliberately.

The Bird’s-Eye View: A High-Level Summary
The three steps we’ve been talking about are, of course, sequential. First, we need to help the other
person feel safe by managing our own state and behaviors. Once that need is satisfied, we can ask
questions to demonstrate our curiosity and communicate that we think they’re interesting. And once
they feel good about the interaction and themselves, they need to feel felt—that you “get” how they’re
feeling. This way, they can be free to express their feelings.
And remember, if you end up in emotional territory: name the emotion, confirm your impression, and
sympathize with it. Whenever you try something on from the other person’s point of view, you can
relate to it better. There are places in here where you might say something like “You know, I’d be
upset, too.” Then you gauge the extent of the emotion and give a lot of time for them to respond so they

get everything out. Saying, “The reason you’re so upset is because . . .” gives them more time to vent.
After they’ve completely expressed themselves, then you invite them to tell you what they need to
move forward. You could say, “Tell me, what needs to happen for that feeling to subside, for you to
feel better?”
Let me share a story from the other day; this interaction illustrates the approaches we’ve been talking
about. Here’s what happened.
I went to the grocery store and another person was parked pretty close to me. I opened my door and it
clicked against their vehicle and I thought, “Oh, I hope I didn’t hit the paint,” and then I saw that my
door was hitting their hubcap so I didn’t worry about it. I turned around to do something and I hit it
again.
It was a large truck next to me, so I got out, walked toward the back of the car, and this young woman
came out of her truck and she was pissed. She said, “Sir, you hit my car twice with your door!”
Instead of saying, “I did not. I hit your hubcap! Relax, take a chill,” I just said, “I didn’t know you
were sitting in the car, but I understand what that must have sounded like to you, and that would really
make me angry, too. I’m really sorry I did that, but if you come around here I’ll show you that there
was no damage at all because my door was hitting your hubcap.”
She came around and saw it and said, “Well, you hit it twice,” and I said, “I know. I’m really sorry. I
turned in my car to do something and I just bumped the door again. I can understand how that would
sound to you sitting in your truck. That would seem pretty thoughtless.”
As soon as I said, “That would seem pretty thoughtless,” because that’s how I would have felt if
somebody had banged my car twice, she felt completely validated. She said, “Oh, okay then,” and that
was it. It wasn’t like we exchanged phone numbers and invited each other to lunch or anything, but it
cooled her off.
The message here is to allow the other person to really understand that you get how that feels, and if
somebody had done that to you, you’d have the same feelings they do. It’s simple, but critical because
that validates their feelings. And even though it’s simple, many of us habitually react in a more
defensive way, but real understanding builds bridges, rather than creates separate turfs.
Remember, the action sequence is a little like the emergency instructions on a plane. Make sure
you’ve got your own oxygen mask on before you try to help the person next to you with theirs. So
you’ve got to consider what you are thinking. Your experiences, beliefs, values, and boundaries are
driving you all the time. You use these to help you function, and to achieve your goals. But your map
of the world and your needs are only part of the picture, right?
We live in a world of other humans, and if you want to be really successful with other people, go
meet them in the world they live in.
This approach shouldn’t create a conflict of values, unless the relationship requires that you betray

yourself in some way. In that case, you need to make a judgment call. But most relationships aren’t
that threatening, are they? They don’t require that you betray yourself. They just require that we be
more flexible in what we can accept from others.
So I find myself thinking, “Well, okay, if I’m going to get along with so-and-so, I don’t have to be a
hypocrite and pretend to be interested in NASCAR racing or mixed martial arts or something I’m not;
but I can be interested in their interest in it. I can be interested in understanding that this individual
has a passion.”
The important thing to me is not the being able to accept someone else’s values; it’s being able to
accept the other person, period. Now, if they value cruelty or bigotry or something that violates my
deeply held values, then we’re probably not going to be buddies, but it doesn’t mean I can’t be
courteous or even compassionate when I’m with them.
Try to keep in mind that someone’s offensive values or behaviors often stem from unhappiness, or
some pain from their early life. When I presuppose that every behavior comes from a positive
intention, I can say to myself, “That person’s anger or meanness is an attempt to recover from
something.” It doesn’t mean I’m compelled to condone how they behave, or that I want to be around
them a lot. I can just accept them.
And, because I have flexibility and personal resources, I often think about how I could give them an
alternative way to be relieved. I don’t usually act on that unless somebody hires me as a coach or
consultant. And occasionally I get an opportunity to interrupt something negative that’s going on, and
perhaps keep it from escalating. Sometimes, in passing, you can just sort of squirt a little oil into an
interaction and maybe lubricate it a little bit with an offhand comment, but it’s preceded by respect
and understanding. Like Johnny Appleseed, you can have an impact as you move through the world.
Learning more about others will help you to create an even more positive ripple effect.
In the next chapter, you’ll learn how to go beyond “mind reading” other people so you can get a better
sense of their world and how to connect with them.

Key Ideas
•

We all process experience in a similar way, yet because our experiences are different, we
create different inner worlds, different “maps” of how the world works.

•

As we drop our automatic filters and preconceived notions about others, we can become a
clear receiver, which allows us to really experience their reality.

•

Being the way each of us is is a choice. We can always choose to rewire ourselves—
strengthening a quality we already have—or borrowing (“Modeling”) one from someone
who has a quality we admire. And, if we don’t like a change we made, we can change it
again to make it better.

•

Getting feedback from other people about what they’d like us to keep doing, stop doing, and
start doing offers us helpful insights that may enable us to improve our interactions and
relationships.

•

The different parts of the brain have different jobs. The instinctive “fight-or-flight” part is
triggered first (along with lots of chemistry)—before the part that thinks things over.

•

Because many people don’t feel “seen” and “validated,” these feelings can affect their
interactions.

•

Shifting between the three perceptual positions, as appropriate, can increase one’s
effectiveness. It’s best practice to operate from first position so we know what we see and
feel. Then we can briefly visit second position to try on something from someone else’s
point of view, or go to third position to get more complete and objective information.

•

Because the brain generalizes, our initial impressions are gathered in a process called
GGNEE. We immediately notice someone’s gender, generation (age), nationality (ethnicity),
educational (socioeconomic) level, and then we imagine what emotions they’re having.

•

People who are masterful at connecting with others manage their inner state and focus on
the other person so they don’t bring any personal uneasiness into their interaction.

•

Making someone else feel safe, interesting, and “felt” are critical steps to being good
company.

•

Making someone feel safe, interesting, and “felt” can be accomplished by asking questions
about what someone does or likes to do, why that’s important to them, and potentially
confirming any emotions that came up for them.

•

Paying attention to how the other person is responding to our efforts to engage enables us to
“zoom out” (visit third position) and access if we’re out of sync and make adjustments,
especially when we have intense feelings.

•

To get in rapport, people subtly mirror the person they’re interacting with, sometimes
matching their body language, rate of speech, or breathing (among other things), while being
careful not to mimic the other person.

•

Honoring personal space requirements and making meaningful (but not invasive) eye contact
can help us make someone feel safe, yet “seen.”

•

Being focused on the other person and being versatile in how we communicate gives us
more options about how to respond, especially in difficult situations.

•

Cooling someone off can actually be easy. Taking the following five steps can defuse the
emotional charge in a situation and make it possible to restore harmony.
1.

Confirm an emotion. “I’ve got this feeling that you’re X (angry or upset or sad). Is that

2.
3.
4.
5.

true?”
Gauge how big this is for them, and allow them to vent, to get it all out. “How upset
are you?” or “The reason you’re so upset is because . . .”
Determine what they need to move forward, allowing them to go inside and find out
what they want. “What needs to happen for that feeling to be better?”
Identify what they’d like you to do. “What part can I play in making that happen?”
Explore what steps they need to take to feel better. “What part can you play in making
that happen?”

To enhance the skills you learned in this chapter, check out the recommended Bonus Activities at our
special “Essential Guide” website: http://eg.nlpco.com/5-1 or use the QR code with your phone.

Discoveries, Questions, Ideas, and Stuff You Want to Work On

CHAPTER SIX: M ORE THAN “M IND READING” OTHER P EOPLE

What’s going on inside them for that to be true?

The single biggest problem in communication
is the illusion that it has taken place.
—George Bernard Shaw

Communication challenges happen all the time, don’t they? Sometimes we’re careless about our
choice of words. Occasionally someone is overly sensitive to something we said, how we said it,
when we said it, or that we didn’t say something they think we should have said—or done. It’s easy
to miss subtle clues that, had we been paying closer attention, would have alerted us to how another
person was thinking or feeling.
In NLP, we say that communication is redundant because people are simultaneously communicating in
all three systems—visual, auditory, kinesthetic. That’s good news and bad, isn’t it? When someone is
congruent, we get one message through all three channels. When they’re not, we get all kinds of mixed
signals.
In this chapter, you’ll explore how to “mind read” other people by noticing their nonverbal behaviors
and the language they use that reveals their inner worlds. You’ll discover additional ways to get in
sync with someone and build rapport once your observations have given you insight into how they’re
thinking or feeling. In the next chapter, you’ll learn secrets of deepening rapport and making your
point.

A $500,000 Example:
Communication in All Three Channels
When I ran a manufacturing firm in Silicon Valley, I had a potential client that was a biotech company
located in Florida. I’d been on the phone a couple times with the president of that company—and we
didn’t get anywhere. I didn’t like him. Frankly, I thought he was just trying to hustle me.
He began the conversation by asking for discounts instead of asking about the equipment. He was
rushed and didn’t have the time to listen to what I had to say. I felt he didn’t care about the science of
our equipment. I thought he was a jerk.
Even though the company was a perfect prospect for us, my marketing team had never been able to get

an appointment in this company. That’s why they kept trying to draft me to approach the client again.
Because of how I felt about this guy, I said, “I don’t think this is going to happen; let the sales
representatives call on this account. When the powers that be finally find out they need the best
equipment in the world, maybe they’ll contact us.”
About a year and a half later, I was in Boston at a biotech conference with my marketing VP, Susan.
This event had a lot of workshop breakouts—each one addressing different aspects of our industry.
After one of these breakouts, we were walking down to the lobby, where many of the participants
gathered between sessions, Susan kind of nudged me and said, “Hey, that’s that guy from Florida.”
When I saw him, I thought, “Oh damn, I’ve got to say something to him. I can’t back away. I’m the
CEO. I can’t just pretend I don’t see him.”
As I was walking over to introduce myself, I noticed the guy was built like a football player. He was
wearing an open-necked striped shirt with a sport coat. It was evening and after dark in Boston, but
his sunglasses were up on his forehead. He had a gold chain around his throat, a good suntan, good
slacks, good shoes, and he was sprawled out in his chair. It was clear to me this guy was obviously
really comfortable where he’s at.
He was a dominant, physical guy, but as I said, I’m six foot three and sizable myself, so I leaned
down and put out my hand—I really kind of stuck it in his face. I interrupted the conversation he was
having so he had to look up at me. When he did, I had this big smile on my face and said, “Hi, I’m
Tom Hoobyar. We spoke on the phone a couple of years ago. I’m the head of ASEPCO.”
He looked at me and took my hand and shook it. As he shook it, we had a good handshake—and all
the while I was smiling. I had absolutely no sense of embarrassment or detachment from it. Then he
said, “You know, my science people have been telling me that I ought to talk to you,” and I said,
“Yeah, that’s what my marketing people said.”
He said, “Have a seat and we’ll talk,” and I said, “Okay, if you buy me a beer.” He laughed and said,
“Okay, and you buy the next one,” and I said, “I will.”
In very few words, what I had done was to match him. Once I saw that he was such a physical guy—
the kind of guy who likes to slap you on the back—I was able to match his body language and his kind
of abruptness. I couldn’t tell any of that on the phone, but in person, I could tell that’s the kind of guy
he was.
He saw me—and it helped that I was the right size, his size. That was a match. The way I grabbed his
hand, the way I stuck it in his face and introduced myself with no embarrassment, and then in maybe
two sentences—that was also a matching. It turned out he was from New York, so I also matched his
speech, which was more accelerated, a little more clipped: “You’ve got to buy me a beer first.”
I didn’t just sit down in the chair opposite him—I plopped down. When I did, my marketing VP, who
was a very classy lady and was still standing, rolled her eyes because she knew I was doing a bit of
an act. Then I just told her, “Here, pull up a chair.” So she pulled up a seat and I introduced her in

case she could fill in any details that I lacked—or needed to run with the ball after this meeting.
He and I talked about Florida and about California and how his weather was more humid, and we
ended up talking about gardens. I had a little garden in my backyard, he had a garden in his backyard,
and we talked about how refreshing it was for each of us to get into the garden and get our hands dirty
after a day’s stress of running a company.
Before we were done talking, we were leaning toward each other. Not just because it was a crowded
hotel bar, but because we were in rapport. Near the end of the conversation, we’d arranged for my
engineering people to talk to his engineering people and really get the details of what they needed so
they could work something out.
As we parted, I said, “I’ve had my fill of beer. I’ve really got to go eat some dinner,” and he said,
“I’ve already eaten, but I’m really glad you stopped by.” He said, “I thought you were some kind of
geek. I just didn’t know that we’d get along so well.”
I said, “Yeah, it was my fault. I didn’t handle that phone conversation well at all, but I’m really glad
that we had a couple of drinks together and got to talk.”
We walked away, and because of that encounter our companies did about a half-million dollars of
business together. So what’s the lesson there? It’s that you can gain a lot of insight and traction in
relationships when you pay attention to more than just what a person is saying. We want to consider
their nonverbal behaviors and the deeper structure of their language.
In this example, my soon-to-be client gave me all kinds of clues to how he was feeling in the moment.
People around us are doing this all the time. When we’re able to notice posture, body position, use of
personal space, facial expressions, eye contact, and so forth, we get a tremendous amount of
information—and this is before we consider what they said and how they said it!
Keep in mind that nonverbal communication carries a lot of weight. Researcher Albert Mehrabian of
the University of California, Los Angeles, discovered that 55 percent of the emotional content of
communication is based on what someone sees. Thirty-eight percent is based on what they hear in
terms of how something was said. And only 7 percent of the emotional content is based on the actual
words. That means that over half the impact that we have on each other when we’re communicating is
visual.

Powerful Telegraphing:
What Your Nonverbals Communicate
Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “What you do speaks so loud, I cannot hear what you say.” Because this
is true, we want to remember to pay attention to our own nonverbal behavior first.
Much of our nonverbal behavior is driven by the limbic system—which is the primitive brain.

Because these behaviors are completely automatic and unconscious, they’re a pretty accurate
reflection of a person’s inner state. This is good news for you because you’ve already been learning
how to notice and manage your own inner state. You recognize that when you’re not anxious,
distracted, or incongruent in some way, your body language sends a message that you’re safe and
approachable.
Our nonverbal cues are a bit like magnets. They can repel people. “Wow, that guy is angry—or he
thinks he’s pretty important—I think I’ll steer clear of him.” They can also attract people. Nonverbals
can signal that you are open to someone—that you like them—and they have a feeling that you like
them if they have a feeling that you are like them. This goes a long way toward helping us make a
connection with someone.

Traffic Signals:
How Other People’s Nonverbals Provide Direction
Nonverbal behavior is so interesting and compelling that many books have been written about it and
you can find some excellent information about it on the Internet if you want to delve into the details
and nuances of this subject.
We’re going to focus more on what nonverbals you might notice than on what meaning may be behind
those behaviors. Here I’d like to give you a quick overview of what you may want to notice so you
can build on your observations to more effectively create rapport.

A NOT-SO-OPEN BOOK: NONVERBAL COMMUNICATIONS TO CONSIDER
Nonverbal communications may stem from a current inner state or from habit. Here’s a quick
summary of nonverbals you might look for.
Personal Space
As you know from Chapter 5, an individual’s personal space requirements vary from person to
person. Someone’s tolerance of another’s proximity is influenced by culture, size, gender, and often
age. In America, most of us are comfortable with at least three feet of separation—but not more than
five. If you use this as a general rule, you’ll be in good shape.
Personal space also includes how much of their allotted space someone uses. For example, when
they’re seated, do they fully stretch out their legs in front of them? Do they also put both hands behind
their neck with their elbows pointing out? Use of personal space can also be shaped by culture. When
I was working in Japan, for example, I decided to make my gestures smaller and take up less space
when I was moving around and even sitting (which wasn’t so easy since I’m six foot three).

Body Position
Even though body position is about how you are in relationship to someone else, it’s not just about
distance. Are you face-to-face with someone? At an angle? Is one of you sitting and one of you
standing? Is there a big disparity in height? Body position factors may influence your ability to easily
match someone.
Posture
In this context, posture is about more than whether someone is standing up straight. It’s more about
whether their posture is open or closed—and mostly if their heart and chest area is open and
uncovered.
Gestures
Gestures are most often made with the hands and have culturally accepted meanings. A thumbs-up
gesture says, “Great job” or “I agree.” Knocking on wood means, “Let’s hope.” A wave means, “Hi,
there” or “See ya later.” A shoulder shrug says, “It doesn’t matter either way.” Wagging one’s finger
at someone means “Stop that” or “Shame on you.” We even have a gesture to say, “Call me.”
Similarly, if someone is nodding their head up and down, it usually means agreement. If they are
shaking it side to side, it usually means disagreement or disbelief.
Touch
Gently touching a person’s hand is very different from roughly poking them in the chest. Supportive
touch induces the release of oxytocin in the recipient’s brain. The effect of touch is so powerful that
it’s a frequent subject of research. As I mentioned earlier, studies show that waitresses who touch
their customers get higher tips. Petition gatherers who touch people they talk to get more signatures.
Teachers who pat a student on the back find that these pupils are more likely to participate in class.
Touching among groups and teams is powerful, too. Two psychologists from the University of
California, Berkeley, recently analyzed ninety televised hours of professional basketball, exploring
the power of touch. After looking at every team and every player in the league, they identified fifteen
different kinds of touching—including high-fives and flying shoulder bumps—and determined that the
teams that touch the most win the most!
Eye Movement
It feels completely different when someone is batting their eyes than when they’re glaring at you,
doesn’t it? It’s also different if they’re staring off into space or staring at you! Whether it’s
appropriate to look directly at someone—and for how long—is often shaped by culture. In Chapter 5,

we talked about “the gaze,” how making eye contact and holding that gaze a little longer (but not too
long) helps someone feel seen. If you have a teenager, you’re probably quite familiar with eye rolling,
followed shortly by “Whatever!”
In NLP, we also think about how and where the eyes are moving and what this tells us about the way
someone is accessing information. For example, when the brain is recalling something that’s already
happened, most people’s eyes look up and to the left (which is the observer’s right). In contrast,
someone imagining an experience like an upcoming vacation would most likely look up and to the
right (the observer’s left). Ah, but I digress.
Facial Expressions
Happiness, sadness, fear, disgust, and surprise are easily recognized emotions because facial
expressions are very universal. A genuine smile shows on the whole face, doesn’t it? Not only do the
lips curve up, but the person’s eyes get brighter, too. A person who’s startled will most likely raise
their eyebrows, their eyes will widen, and their mouth will open. If they’re confused, their brows may
furrow and their lips tighten.
Physiological Response
Blushing, blanching, the flaring of nostrils, the eyes tearing up, and the trembling of someone’s chin
are all examples of physiological responses. Changes in breathing are, too. I often notice when
someone has begun to hold their breath; because if I’m in rapport with them, I find I’m unconsciously
holding my breath, too!
Locomotion and Pace
Locomotion refers to the style of physical moment. Shuffling or tottering along is very different from
rushing or moving quickly. Pace also describes the way someone moves. Is it jerky or graceful? Easy
or deliberate? Gradual or sudden?
“Paralanguage”
As you may recall, Mehrabian’s research said that 38 percent of a message’s emotional content comes
from how it was said—or, more accurate, how it was perceived to have been said. This auditory
component of nonverbal communication is called paralanguage. Separate from the words themselves,
these are audible cues that may telegraph information about someone’s inner state and feelings.
Volume, inflection, speed, intensity, tone, rhythm, pitch—a change in any of these aspects can
significantly alter the way the message is delivered, and received. Sarcasm is an excellent example of
tone that has an impact; it may be funny or it may be hurtful.

According to communication experts, other examples of paralanguage include laughing, pausing or
hesitating, talking too much, interrupting, or talking over someone. And we all know that silence can
speak volumes—because it can feel companionable or tense.
Again, we want to focus on what we can objectively observe about nonverbal behavior, not assign
meanings that may only apply to a generality rather than a specific person or context. As you can see,
there is a real range and richness to nonverbal communication. Our quick overview will heighten
your awareness of signals you already knew about—and hopefully make you even more curious about
what you see and hear.

Discovery Activity:
Recalling Nonverbals of a Positive Experience
Right now, you might be focusing on other people’s nonverbal behaviors—but that’s only half the
picture, isn’t it? There are always at least two variables in a communication equation—the other
person and you.
With this in mind, it helps to be aware of the nonverbal cues you often use. They can provide you with
insight into how you’re feeling—and into the impact these are having on your communication. Let’s
take stock for a moment. Make a mental movie of the last enjoyable interaction you had—and watch it
objectively from the outside, from third position. As you watch yourself, notice what you looked and
sounded like.
Were you standing or sitting close to the other person? How comfortable did that feel?
Were you facing them, standing behind them, or sitting side by side at a bit of an angle? Were these
body positions determined by the environment—or did you influence how you were physically in
relationship to one another?
Was your posture open or closed—so that your heart was exposed? If not, what were you doing to
cover up your heart? How open were the positions of your feet/legs and arms/hands? What
specifically do you notice?
Because this is a memory of an enjoyable interaction, there may have been ways that you and your
companion were mirroring each other’s body language. What synchronicities do you see now?
Did you use touch to connect with the other person? What did you do—and how did that feel?
What gestures and facial expressions did you use? How did these reflect whatever you were feeling?
Think about your eye contact with this person. How would you describe it? Can you recall the color

of their eyes?
And what about your paralanguage? Was your dialogue fairly synchronistic in terms of tone, volume,
and speed? If not, how were you out of sync with your companion?
Now that you’ve revisited that experience, take a moment to capture what you learned. Make note of
what worked well in this interaction—and if you notice something that could have been even better,
make a note of that, too.
Review this list of discoveries and consider if these nonverbal behaviors are typical for you when
you’re with this specific person. Are these cues typical whenever you’re enjoying yourself?
Stand outside yourself and reflect on these nonverbal cues that may have contributed to your
companion feeling safe, interesting, and “felt.”
As a closing step to this activity, you might refer to the lists you made in Chapter 5 about what makes
you a good companion. Look for similarities between that list—and this mental movie. Give yourself
some positive acknowledgment for behaviors you’d like to do more often—or even more effectively.
Of course, not all interactions are pleasant and when they’re not, the nonverbals are likely to be very
different. To explore these contrasts, complete the next exercise.

Discovery Activity:
Identifying Nonverbals from an Uncomfortable Situation
Think about a recent interaction where you felt uncomfortable. Don’t pick something big or traumatic
—just choose an experience where you didn’t feel like your best self. Perhaps there was a situation at
work or with your family that didn’t feel good. What was that exchange?
Make a mental movie of that interaction—and watch it from third position. As you watch yourself,
notice what you looked and sounded like.
Were you standing or sitting close to the other person? How comfortable did that feel?
Were you facing them, standing behind them, or sitting side by side at a bit of an angle? Were these
body positions determined by the environment—or did you influence how you were physically in
relationship to one another?
Was your posture open or closed—so that your heart was exposed? If not, what were you doing to
cover up your heart? How open were the positions of your feet/legs and arms/hands? What
specifically do you notice?
Because this interaction was a little uncomfortable, there may have been ways that your body

language mismatched your companion’s. What differences do you see now?
Did you use touch to connect with the other person? What did you do—and how did that feel?
What gestures and facial expressions did you use? How did these reflect how you were feeling?
Think about your eye contact with this person. How would you describe it? Can you recall the color
of their eyes? Did you notice yourself looking away or down?
And what about your paralanguage? Did it match your companion’s in terms of tone, volume, and
speed? If not, how were you out of sync with your companion?
Now that you’ve revisited that experience, take a moment to capture what you learned. Make note of
what worked well in this interaction—and what could have been better.
Review this list of discoveries and consider if these nonverbal behaviors are typical for you when
you’re with this specific person. Are these cues typical whenever you’re feeling uncomfortable?
If you could stand outside yourself, how do you think your nonverbal cues supported or inhibited your
ability to make your companion feel safe, interesting, and “felt”?
As a closing step to this reflection, refer to the lists you made in Chapter 5 about what makes a good
companion. You might even consider the behaviors that trusted friends asked you to stop doing—or
start doing. Look for opportunities to improve how you’re interacting with others. Pick one behavior
you’d like to change and practice doing a preferred behavior the next few times you find yourself
feeling uncomfortable.

In Another’s Shoes: The View from Their World
Because you already know what you were thinking and feeling in these two recollections, you don’t
have to imagine what’s involved—you know. Now suppose for a moment, that when interacting with
someone else, you noticed some of the nonverbal behaviors that you exhibited in the uncomfortable
situation you just revisited. If so, you might suspect that that person feels like you felt. Would that
conclusion be on target? Maybe. If you have a strong second position, you may really be in tune with
the other person and be able to understand them with a useful degree of accuracy.
Here’s what I’d recommend you do when you notice what feels like uncomfortable nonverbal
behavior. First, check in with yourself. Are you feeling comfortable? Second, step into third position
and objectively observe what signals you’ve been sending.
If, after these reflections, you determine that the discomfort isn’t yours, avoid matching a behavior
that feels intense. For example, mirroring someone’s scowling expression or an aggressive stance
might match them, but it might also contribute to escalating the negative feelings. (“Oh yeah, well take
that!”) However, it might be beneficial to lean away a little if the other person is leaning away or to
match their breathing.

Although matching often happens naturally, it’s a little bit of an art, too. So let’s explore intentional
matching a little further.

Just Like That? How Matching Nonverbals Creates Rapport
People have a language of their physical movement. As I said, postures and gestures are habitual with
most people, and it’s like a dance. So interacting with them is like dancing with them.
Now, I’m not talking about a conversation with a waiter or a toll-taker at a tollbooth where you don’t
have time. In those situations, your nonverbals are limited to eye contact (“the gaze”), facial
expressions, and paralanguage. But if you’re really interacting with someone—having a conversation
with them, interviewing them, making a sales pitch, or participating in a business meeting—you can
begin synchronizing with them. This is an irresistible subliminal message to them that you like them
and you are like them.
So here’s what you do. Set your intent to notice the nonverbal behaviors we just reviewed. Notice
someone’s gestures. Notice their posture. Notice their overall body movement—their head tilts and
their nods, their facial expressions, and their breathing—and gradually begin to match those. You
want to be careful not to mimic them—so don’t imitate them so obviously that they catch you doing it.
You’ll be amazed at how easy it is to just match their posture. Their legs are crossed? Then cross
yours. Their hands are on the arms of their chair? So are yours. One hand is on a knee, the other hand
is on the table? So are yours.
I do this when I’m coaching people and it just deepens our rapport. It’s never viewed as disrespectful
or artificial at all—and here’s why it’s not. This is a language we all know. You probably won’t
remember learning it because it won’t be in the foreground of your memory. But this kind of
unconscious conversation is happening all around us—all the time.
Restaurants are a great place to see this in action. When people are getting along well they’re leaning
toward each other, they’re staring into each other’s eyes, and their mouths are slightly open and
smiling. They’re nodding, their heads are tilted, and they may even be reaching toward each other.
Their feet may be in contact under the table if they’re a romantic couple. They’ll be facing each other
open, heart to open heart, and they will be matching each other’s gestures. Their body postures will
be similar.
You can even observe this natural, unconscious communication in groups. You can look at people
sitting in an audience and see subtle behaviors that telegraph someone’s attitude or inner state. As you
look across the rows—and I’ve seen this in training classes—you’ll see a bunch of legs all crossed in
the same direction. Then you’ll see somebody with their legs crossed the other way or legs apart. We
have told ourselves that this difference is probably just a matter of comfort, habit, or space
limitations. But here’s something to consider: those things may not true. Most nonverbal behavior is
run by the primitive brain, which says, “I like this person. I want to be like this person because I want

to communicate,” so we synchronize. The person who is mismatching the group is probably out of
sync—or may be distracted and not really present.
Here’s what I’m suggesting—just get ahead of the curve. Simply match someone’s body or
paralanguage (rate, rhythm, volume of speech, etc.) so it signals your brain and the other person’s
brain that you want to be in rapport. It doesn’t really matter which came first—whether you become
fascinated and then you match their body language, or whether you match their body language and then
become fascinated. For many people, this is a relief—they find they can more easily put someone at
ease nonverbally than coming up with just the right thing to say.
When you can influence your environment, it may also be helpful to consider how the body position
dynamics will play out. A friend of mine, who was planning to sing at a party, brought not only his
guitar and amplifier, but also a tall stool. When I asked him why he bothered to bring his own seating
rather than just use the folding chair they’d set out for him, he said that he felt more comfortable being
eye to eye with people when they came up to talk with him or make requests. As I watched him that
night, I could see that he was absolutely right—that being seated on a stool made him easier to
approach and talk with.
Similarly, if you’re talking with a client, it can sometimes be helpful to be seated at a forty-fivedegree angle to one another—rather than having to present to them across the barrier of a desk. This
affords you the opportunity to be on the same side and yet be in a physical position where you can
easily see them and notice their nonverbal behaviors. This side-by-side position is especially helpful
when you are discussing a problem. Put the problem opposite the two of you—so it’s out there—
something you’re addressing together.
Nonverbal behavior is all around us, isn’t it? It works with all of us, all the time. Now, when you
notice a behavior and decide to match it, you’re just doing something with intention that you’ve been
doing unconsciously for years.

The More the Merrier? How Matching Works with Groups
Some of my clients, who frequently work with teams or groups, have asked me about how to
effectively use these nonverbal communication tips when they’re interacting with more than one
person. As you might imagine, I watch each of them carefully to notice their unconscious
communication. What is each person’s posture and body position? What are their gestures and facial
expressions? How do these differ when they’re interacting with me—as compared to when they’re
interacting with one another? It’s a fascinating exploration.
But as you know, observing is just the beginning. How do you make a connection with each person?
The trick is to spread your attention among the participants. Although you can’t mirror each person’s
body language simultaneously, you can use an open body position, extended eye contact, a smile, their
name—and, of course, you can still engage each person by asking open-ended questions.

Just the Opposite: How Breaking Rapport Can Be Useful
Staying open and curious serves you well in most interactions. However, there are exceptions. One
client asked me whether there might be situations where someone would intentionally be closed or
send a signal of discomfort.
Think about it for a moment. When would you want to break rapport? Imagine, for example, that
someone is making an inappropriate advance—or perhaps somebody’s had a bit too much to drink
and they’re going on and on—and you want to break off a conversation.
The way you break off the conversation is to break rapport. The first thing you do is break the
synchrony of your body language and start positioning yourself to leave. In other words, you mismatch
their gestures, you mismatch their posture, and you turn yourself away from them as if you wanted to
leave. That will break rapport.
In a civil, social conversation like a cocktail party or with somebody who’s fairly sophisticated,
switching from extended eye contact to distracted eye contact will send a signal. They will
immediately start looking away from you because they will understand that they’re being dismissed.
This is also something that other people may do with you when you talk too much or focus on
something that’s not of interest to them.
Most people recognize when someone is not receptive—simply by a person’s willingness to make
eye contact. But with someone who’s a little more aggressive, you can use your body language to
communicate: “This is an unwelcome conversation and I’m ending it right now.” Although you’re
usually focused on building rapport, you can use your matching skills to mismatch someone in order
to establish a clear boundary.
For the most part, however, you want to focus on creating safety and interest. As you become more
comfortable within yourself and with the different communication skills you’re learning, you will
make others feel at ease, you will gain insight into what’s going on in their minds, and you will find
them opening up to you.
With this in mind, I invite you to become a keen observer and listener. When you’re focusing your
nonverbal communications lens on people you know, disconnect yourself from whatever your habitual
way of thinking about them is—and just objectively observe them.
Set your intention to look and listen for nonverbal cues with everyone—with family members,
friends, coworkers, even people in restaurants, airports, and stores. You’ll find it’s easier to do this
when they’re communicating with others. Be curious as you notice how they’re behaving with other
people when they’re not focused on managing the impression they’re creating.

Galaxies Away:
Why It’s Important to Step into Another’s World

Political commentator and author Walter Lippmann said, “We are all captives of the picture in our
head: our belief that the world we have experienced is the world that really exists.” Yet most people
don’t realize that their world is not the only one, that, in fact, it’s shared by few or only by them. So
they focus on how people are like them, and people who are like them, and when someone is different
than they are, they often experience that difference as something that’s “wrong.”
In Chapter 4, you discovered some new things about how you create your world. How you use
pictures, sounds, and feelings to make sense of things. And how your brain’s efficiency strategy
helped you form beliefs and develop meta-programs and preferred communication channels. You
learned that each of these ways of being is revealed in your language. While all this rich and complex
processing is going on inside you, it’s also going on inside other people.
Now you can build on this understanding of yourself to improve the way you interact with others. You
can take a look inside yourself and check, “Do I really know what they mean? Does that feel okay to
me? Is that something that I believe, too?”

The Grand Canyon:
How Missing Details Create Gaps in Understanding
Even though we use the same language, we often don’t know what someone else really means.
Despite this potential disconnect, people seem to be conversing all the time.
Without asking questions to get the details that put us on the same page, we don’t really know where
someone else is coming from and how they reached the conclusion that they did. Yet we rarely go into
much detail with others. Asking who, what, when, where, why, and how may seem unnecessary or
even a bit intrusive. So instead, what we do is kind of hallucinate.
Here’s how that works. When people tell you something is hot or something is really good or it’s
beautiful or it’s tasty, the only way for you to accept that statement at face value is to fill in the
information gaps in your mind by providing your understanding of those words.
This happens because language is designed to abbreviate, to summarize, to give us the bare bones.
The trouble is we don’t all have the same bare bones. We don’t have the same reference experiences,
so we frequently don’t really know what people mean. Even if you’re in the same family, the same
company, or same group of friends who frequently have shared experiences, you may still not know
what someone really means.
When somebody says, “I had a terrible time at that party,” all you know is they didn’t like the
previous experience they had. There are lots of missing pieces to this puzzle, aren’t there?
You don’t know what kind of party it was. Was it this person’s birthday party? Were there two people
or thirty-five? You don’t know what they mean by having a terrible time. Were they wearing

uncomfortable shoes that made their feet hurt all day? Did they see an old flame, who was with
someone else? Did somebody make a remark that they allowed to poison their whole day? You really
have no idea.
Now, in this person’s mind they know exactly what they’re saying, right? In an effort to understand
and enjoy rapport, you get sucked into making assumptions and that leads you down the wrong path. In
our sincere desire to understand, we unconsciously fill in the missing pieces. A great intention, but not
always a great result.
When these gaps occur, as they frequently do, it’s important to understand that the other person isn’t
deliberately giving you only a part of what they’re thinking. They’re just being brief because they
know perfectly well what they’re saying. They know exactly what they mean.
When you fill in the gaps from your personal reality, you’re really just making guesses or
assumptions. In contrast, you can more accurately imagine what’s going on inside someone else when
you step into the other person’s reality. Although some people call this “mind reading,” it’s really just
a brief visit to second position.
If you’re going to be successful in understanding what a person means, you need to leave your point of
reference and step into theirs. Asking myself, “For that statement to be true, what must be going on
inside that person—what’s it like in their world?” reminds me that this person’s world is being
reflected in their language—and that they are inviting me to step into their world.

Zooming In and Out:
Tips to Understanding Someone Else’s World
Remember, what someone is saying is complete enough for them; it just doesn’t have enough
information for you. If you can stay curious and emotionally loose while you’re trying on what might
be true, it helps.
Some people ask clarifying questions in a way that feels like an interrogation or in a way that makes
other people feel silly because they should have been more specific. However, when you ask them
from a sincere place of wanting to be better company, you’ll find that asking questions will help you
know people better. You’ll begin to understand how they think and to really enjoy the unique and
miraculous divinity in each human being. We’re all so different.
If you really dig in, you’ll notice these differences. Because there are plenty of these, it’s quite an
adventure! Here are a few tips to keep in mind when you’re gathering information to understand
someone else’s world.

Zoom In: Focus on Them

The way to “try on” someone else’s world is to concentrate on their behavior, not your reactions.
When you stay focused on their behavior instead of your feelings, you can avoid hasty reactions. This
in turn frees you to have more choice in how you ultimately respond. Among other benefits, you can
avoid a lot of drama this way.
Rather than focus on how you’re feeling, keep your attention outside yourself, focused on the other
person. Although your feelings provide information that may be important to notice, they are about
your reality. As you focus on the other person and begin to understand their reality, they will then feel
safer, more interesting, and understood—simply because of the quality of your attention. And they will
tell you more, because you are making it a pleasant experience to do so.
Sounds simple, right? While it is simple, it’s not always easy. Interestingly, a long pause in a
conversation or an extended silence may truly test your ability to step outside yourself and stay
focused on the other person. If this feels painfully awkward to you, you might notice that you fill the
silence with your own inner chatter. Some of us tend to berate ourselves for that or something we did,
saying to ourselves, “Oh, that was a dumb thing to say. Oh, why did I say that? I’m always doing
things like that.” After all this chatter, we’re off in our own little world and we’ve left the
conversation completely!
With people you know and trust, you’ve probably found that silence is comfortable, or at least
tolerable. You don’t assume it means something. Instead, you just allow the silence, right? You know
they might be thinking about what they want to say, thinking about something else entirely, or not
really thinking about much of anything! When it happens during conversation, particularly if it’s the
other person’s turn to say something, just smile at them. If the silence has more intention than a pause,
you can always explore it if you want to.

Zoom Out: Visit Second and Third Positions to Get Perspective
Once in a while when you’re asking questions and exploring someone’s world, they may be thinking,
“Wow, the way this person is approaching me is really different.” They may like it and feel felt, or
they may feel a little vulnerable because the way you interact is unfamiliar and more personal. If
they’re really uncomfortable, they may send you subtle signals to back off. When you get this
feedback, just notice it. Then step back a little and use your nonverbal communication skills to
reestablish safety and rapport.
Similarly, if you hear a remark that puts you off or sparks a bad feeling about yourself, zoom out and
disassociate from the remark. Your feelings result from your interpretation, right? So it’s always
important to keep in mind that a comment may not have been intended the way you heard it. Avoid
engaging in a reaction that’s going to shut down your curiosity and openness, because it will limit
your ability to hear and gather information.
When some people hear a remark that seems critical of them, they get angry. With me, if somebody

says, “You shouldn’t have done that,” I simply say, “Oh, I shouldn’t have done what?” (Of course,
tone is all important here.) Rather than sounding defensive, I try to show that I’m genuinely curious
and interested about this person’s concern.
In response to my request for more information, they might say, “You shouldn’t have talked so angrily
to that person.”
“Hmm . . . what did I say that made you feel I was angry?” Notice how this question is simply
gathering information about their model of the world. I’m not arguing with them. I’m not denying
anything. I’m just gathering information.
They might say, “Well, you said this and this and this in that tone of voice.” Once I understand how
they reached their conclusion about my behavior, I can either try to correct the impression I meant to
give, or I can ask myself, “You know, if I were that person, how might my behavior have seemed?”
Going into second position like this allows me to try on whatever was described to me. When I do
this, I’m using my own body as an instrument to gauge how that behavior might have looked, sounded,
or felt.
Then I might think, “You’re right. If I had heard that in that tone of voice from a guy like me, that
would have made me feel pretty yucky; so I’m going to apologize to them. Thanks for bringing that to
my attention.” This allows me to have a very sane reaction, right? It’s not a big deal, and it doesn’t
need to become a problem between me and the person who’s sharing their interpretation of something
I did, or didn’t, do.
Here’s another example. Sometimes because I’m so passionate about NLP, I really get on a roll and
it’s hard to shut me up. If, in response to my oversharing, somebody said, “You’re pretty stuck on this
stuff, aren’t you? You think you know everything,” I’d probably go into third position (objective
observer) and say, “What specifically do I do that makes you think I think I know everything?” In
asking this, I’m going to get some behavioral feedback that may or may not be useful. What I hear may
teach me something about me, or it may teach me something about the other person. Either way, my
mind-set is that I’m going to enjoy getting that information.
Then, with genuine interest, not defensiveness, I’ll say, “Hmm, I don’t think I know everything about
NLP. What makes you think I know everything about NLP? Did I say something like that?”
My openness and curiosity in these kinds of conversations are echoed in my nonverbal
communication. My posture and facial expressions are saying, “I’m open and safe.” My tone is
sincere and curious. If these visual and auditory cues were incongruent, it would make the other
person uncomfortable.

Slow Down: Watch for Yellow Lights of Incongruence
In a perfect universe, people would be congruent and it would be easier to get a sense of their distinct
inner realities. But we’re human, so we’re not always consistent. I’m certainly not! As a refresher,

someone’s ambivalence may result from something simple, like having to choose between going to a
great concert or going parasailing. Or it may indicate an internal conflict or some violation of their
values.
When people are incongruent, we read that like it’s a flashing yellow light. Each of us has internal
radar that sorts for “Something’s wrong with this picture—slow down, be careful.” People notice our
incongruity, and you want to notice theirs. Because people are always communicating in three
channels—visual, auditory, and kinesthetic—you get a lot of information to evaluate. And when what
someone is saying doesn’t match your experience of them, it’s a good time to give them some space or
ask them questions.
Imagine, for example, that you see someone you know at a party and they seem a little off. They’re
saying, “Oh, it’s really good to see you,” but they’re looking past you or they’re leaning away from
you. In this situation, how would you feel? You might conclude that they didn’t really want to see you,
they’d rather be talking with someone else, or that something’s wrong with you.
Because you kind of know this person and sense that something’s off, you might say, “Is everything
okay?” and they say, “Sure, I’m fine.” If they say this in an irritated voice, that’s incongruity again,
right? Sometimes honest sympathy will ventilate the issue. Just asking, “Is anything troubling you? Is
there anything I can do?” can be helpful.
You might hear “No, it’s not a big deal. My boyfriend said he’d be here on time and he’s not here yet
and I know he forgot that today’s my birthday and I’m just pissed at him.” Or “No, no, it’s nothing. I
have something on my mind. My wife’s having surgery and I’m waiting for a call.” So you may find
out that what people were too polite to tell you was troubling them, or you may not. If I get two or
three denials in the face of my earnest concern, then I respect their privacy and I leave it alone.
When someone’s tone of voice, posture, facial expression, or body language, and your sense of their
energy, don’t match their words, it’s often a reflection of some kind of inner conflict.
Here’s a simple example. Last week I was watching an actress being interviewed on a talk show. I
was fascinated to notice that her body was incongruent, top to bottom. Her feet were under the chair.
Her knees were away from the person she was talking to. Her hands were folded very comfortably in
front of her. Her shoulders and head were turned to the host. Because she was listening and seemed
relaxed, she seemed very comfortable in her conversation.
Although her hands and her face appeared relaxed, her lower body looked frozen, like she didn’t
really want to be there. She was very incongruent. As I watched her, I stepped into second position
and actually put my body in this incongruent position. Boy, was that uncomfortable! When I stepped
back into first position, I imagined that she was probably very committed to making a point or selling
whatever movie she was there to promote. But part of her, the deeper inner part of her, really wished
she didn’t have to be there.
When I see this kind of incongruity in someone I’m interacting with, the only thing I know for certain
is that this is a person who needs a better level of comfort. Usually I’m up for helping them get that.

And if they are, too, I do. If not, I don’t take it personally.
Noticing incongruity is critical to establishing or maintaining rapport, and to gathering good
information. Whenever you notice incongruence or some evidence of conflict, slow down and be
cautious. You may be stepping into a busy intersection—simply because that person has some kind of
conflict going on at that time, which may have nothing at all to do with you.
Think of this advice as framework for the adventure of exploring someone’s world.

Detective Mode:
How Questions Fill in Gaps and Facilitate Understanding
When people talk about an experience, their verbal description will be incomplete. Let’s zero in on
language itself for a moment. As you know, it’s really just shorthand; it’s efficient, but it leaves gaps.
In Chapter 4, you learned how you naturally delete information. Now you’ll notice, really notice, how
often other people do it, too.
In NLP, the Meta Model is a way of recovering missing information when you’re being asked to fill in
the blanks. Here are some examples that illustrate gaps and what you might say to get more
information so you can understand their experience.
If somebody tells you, “I had a terrible time at that party,” go inside yourself and see what you get.
Can you make a representation of that? If it’s even kind of fuzzy, you immediately know you need
more information, like who, what, where, when, how, why. In your picture of the party, many of those
details were missing, right?

Clue: Unspecified Nouns and Verbs
Because so many pieces of the puzzle were missing, you could ask lots of different questions. You
could start by asking, “Which party?” (surprise: it may not be the one you both just attended) and get
some more details about the party itself. Or, in contrast to gathering these facts, you could say, “When
you say you had a terrible time at the party, what made it a bad time? What happened that made it a
negative experience?”
Sometimes, despite well-intentioned body language and tone, when you ask someone such a direct
question, it can sound like you’re challenging them. To soften your questions, you can frame them with
“Can you tell me?” or “I’m curious,” or “I’d like to know.”
In addition to missing people, places, and things, some people’s descriptions are missing actions or
processes. Imagine, for a moment, that your boss told you, “This is completely wrong.” There are lots
of possible reactions you might have, right? You could be frustrated, defensive, angry, indifferent, or
anything in between. Those reactions would come from being in your world and filling in the blanks.

But if you tried to make a picture of what went wrong by stepping out of your reality and into your
supervisor’s, all you know is that something isn’t the way he wanted it. Simply saying, “Well, okay,
what was supposed to be done?” will fill in the what and the how.
If he said, “Well, the pages are supposed to be stapled along the top, and these are all stapled on the
left edge,” now you have useful information, right? And based on this, you can decide or discuss next
steps.
This kind of communication happens all the time, doesn’t it? It’s kind of amazing that
misunderstandings aren’t even more commonplace than they are. If you adjust your attention to pick up
this information, you’ll be astonished at how much missing information there is in the things people
tell you, and how easily you can fill in the gaps.

Clue: You Can’t Put It in a Wheelbarrow
Here’s another example of how meanings are hidden. These are action or process words that are
turned into things, like frustration, production, knowledge, and freedom. Those descriptions really
ought to be verbs or adjectives such as frustrating, produce, knowing, and be free. So, in NLP, when
somebody uses these kinds of words, we call them “Nominalizations.”
A nominalization is an abstraction that is undefined. Now, what’s hiding in this bit of jargon is a
powerful concept. It’s something theoretical pretending to be something with a real existence. An easy
way to recognize a nominalization is to ask, “Can I put it in a wheelbarrow?” It’s like truth, beauty,
and the American way. None of us really knows exactly what those things mean because they’re
pretty abstract.
If somebody says, “This is another day of frustration,” you’d have to say, “Oh, who’s frustrated?”
When the person says, “I’m frustrated!” then you can say, “What was it that made you feel frustrated?”
“I worked all day to get the proposal out this afternoon, then the delivery guy didn’t pick it up in time
to get to the prospect by the deadline.”
Ah, now you have a better understanding of that person’s frustration, right? The lesson here is don’t
understand too quickly. It’s really important that you slow way down, and then you’ll get an accurate
sense of what’s going on in the other person’s head. If you try something on, either by making a picture
of it, or sensing how it feels, you’ll know if you have enough information.
I have a friend who often tells me a story and ends it with “See what I mean?” And then we’ll laugh
because we do this dance all the time. We’ve been friends a long time, so she’s used to me saying,
“No, I don’t really know what you mean, but I want to. Let me tell you what I think I heard you say
and I’ll ask a few questions so you can help me fill in the gaps, okay?”

Clue: Always/Never, All/None, Everyone/No One

Another way that people leave out details is by using what we call “Universals.” For instance, when
you hear somebody use words like all, none, everyone, never, or always, you know that’s really
exaggeration, right? Other than gravity, there are VERY few things that are always so.
Here are some examples. “You never help me” or “His family always hates me; nothing I do ever
pleases them.” Or “I’m never going to learn to use this computer program.”
When most people use these words, they’re usually describing behaviors. These universals show the
limits of that person’s world, the limits they’re experiencing at a specific time or about a specific
subject or person.
In these situations, you can really do someone a favor by injecting a little good-humored perspective
with questions like “Really? All the time?” or “Really? You’ve never ever done anything right,
ever?” When I ask these questions, it’s usually with kind of a half smile. What I get in return is kind of
“Well, yeah, sometimes I get things right, yeah, maybe when I was fifteen.” Now they’re laughing,
you’re joking, and the two of you can get back to reality because those universals are “never”
realistic.

Clue: Have To, Should, Must, Need
Another information gap that’s less obvious is when people can say, “I have to do this. I’ve got to be
there. I should call them. I really must meet the deadline.” When they’re using those kinds of words,
these seem reasonable and you might be tempted to just accept them at face value. Yet if you did, you
wouldn’t really have a complete picture. To get one, you could say, “Hmm, I’m curious, what would
happen if you didn’t do it?”
Well, most likely something would happen if they didn’t get it done . . . maybe they’d get a fine . . .
maybe they’d get a lower grade on a paper . . . maybe they would miss a birthday. But the world
wouldn’t end. And maybe nothing would happen, no one would notice, and that would be a different
kind of something to deal with.
Here’s the thing. In the human mind, when you say words like have to, must, or can’t, what your brain
does is stop at that word and think, “Okay, I can’t, because if I do the universe is going to end. I’m
going to die. It’s all going to be terrible.” Whenever you hear somebody using these words, called
words of “Impossibility” or words that are “Required,” the best thing to do is to invite the person to
examine their limitation. Asking, “What prevents you from doing it?” or “What would it be like if you
could do it?” encourages the brain to consider other possibilities.

Clue: Absence of Criteria or Evidence
Another glimpse you might get into a person’s world is when they say, “Oh, it’s bad,” or you hear
them say, “It’s all good.” What’s all good? In NLP, we call this the “Lost Performer.” Who is the

judge of whether something is good or bad? How do you know it’s good? “That’s the best kind.”
“That’s a fact.” Really—according to whom? In each of these examples, there are big information
gaps.
If a woman says, “My husband certainly loves me,” you can say, “Oh, that’s wonderful. How do you
know he loves you? How does he show his love?” and then she’ll tell you what, in her inner world,
means he loves her. “It’s because he said so this morning, because he bought me a ring, or because he
always takes out the garbage.”

Clue: Effect with No Known Cause
The last illustration of a person’s limitation is called “Cause-Effect.” Imagine that somebody says,
“He made me angry.” You’d want to know how that happened, right? So you’d ask. In response, they
might say, “Well, it was his tone of voice.” Now you’d probably ask what his tone was like, and they
might say, “He was just abrupt and pissy with me.”
By asking questions, you can start unpacking people’s conclusion-making and find out whether that’s
really an accurate conclusion. You can discover if that’s something they believe, and if it is, that’s
useful. And if it’s not, it allows the other person to give you more information.

Different Journeys:
How Beliefs Distinguish Our Inner Worlds
Sometimes when people make unconscious statements, they present it as fact. A well-respected
colleague of mine once said in one of our monthly meetings, “Time will get away from us and the
business will collapse if we don’t do this.” His dire prediction provided a peek into his inner world.
Even though his statement wasn’t on target, he let us all know how concerned he was about what
would happen if we didn’t take action quickly. This was just his belief.
As you know from Chapter 4, when you start listening carefully to your own language you can get a
good look at your beliefs and you may get a picture of your inner world. You may hear yourself say
things like “You know, every time I get a project it’s such a mess when I get it that I can’t possibly
finish it on time.”
Even in our internal dialogue, these are statements given as fact, but they’re not fact. When you hear a
belief, go inside yourself and think for a moment, “Is that true? Every time I’m given a project, even if
it’s kind of a mess, is it true that I can’t finish it on time? What if just a few sections need extensive
editing? I could finish that on time.” Or, with the belief about the business collapsing, it’s important to
ask, “Is that really true? Will the business really come to a grinding halt?” Probably not.
On a lighter note, you may hear one of a teenager’s beliefs when they exclaim, “Well, I can’t wear

those shoes with this!” You can ask, “Oh really? Why not?” And you might hear something
fascinating, like “Well, because they’re totally the wrong color blue.” With further exploration, you
may come to understand that the blues have to match exactly. Some of the beliefs you’ll hear will
strike you as being pretty funny, including some of your own.

Discovery Activity:
Identifying Your Beliefs
Before we consider how to uncover other people’s beliefs, let’s see what happens when you reveal a
few of your own. Complete the following sentences by filling in the first thing that comes to your
mind.
I am ____________________.
People are ________________.
Life is ___________________.
Now, read each completed sentence and try it on. Have you ever heard yourself express this point of
view before? Does this feel true to you? Would you be likely to disagree with someone if they
completed the sentence differently?
How long have you had this thought?
When you’re done, just put this activity aside for a moment. We’ll come back to it.

Roots of Beliefs: The Importance of Experience and Belonging
In Chapter 4, you learned that most of your beliefs were formed when you were young. This happens
in two ways. Some beliefs are sort of cause and effect. They’re formed from personal experience,
like “If I cry, someone will come and feed me or change my diapers.” As an adult, this belief might be
expressed as “If I let someone know what I need, they’ll respond,” but the emotional reaction that’s
linked to this belief may be more like a child’s. That’s because the belief that’s still creating the
motivation is one a small child came up with in an effort to make sense of the world. Isn’t that
fascinating?
In contrast, other beliefs come from unverified information—like the family or local wisdom; they’re
simply learned and integrated. It’s a tribal kind of thought. By sharing similar beliefs and views of the
world, we feel not only some sense of order and control, but also a sense of belonging. Initially, these
beliefs of belonging relate to our families because our very survival rests with being cared for and

accepted. Later, this kind of tribal thinking may extend to include the school we go to, the community
we live in, the company we work for, a spiritual congregation we practice with, or even social and
political groups we affiliate with. Most of these groups have shared beliefs that drive their
motivations and behaviors.
Beliefs that are acquired like hand-me-downs can be tricky because beliefs filter the information we
let in. Here’s an example. One day my neighbor’s eight-year-old daughter said, “I’d never marry a
rich man.” This really caught my attention, so I said, “That’s interesting; how come you wouldn’t want
to marry a rich man?” She looked at me like I was incredibly stupid or from another planet and said
(like it was the most reasonable thing in the world), “Because rich people aren’t happy.”
When she answered my question about her belief, she revealed another belief. While it’s possible that
she actually knew some rich people and based her conclusion on her experience, it seemed unlikely to
me. These were beliefs she’d heard in her tribe and accepted without question. Even though I was a
little alarmed about her conclusion, I didn’t argue with her. I simply gave her some statistics about
how the lack of money is a source of conflict in many marriages and explained that marrying someone
who had money might eliminate those problems. This line of reasoning didn’t seem to shake her
conviction.
In contrast, a former girlfriend’s mother had always told her daughter when she was little, “It’s just as
easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man.” Of these two beliefs, which one seems the most
limiting, and which one seems the most empowering?
It seems quite possible that my neighbor’s daughter might, in fact, decide not to hang around with
those unhappy rich people, unwittingly limiting her possibilities for friendship and marriage. Again,
in contrast, my girlfriend’s mom simply opened the door to possibility, so she could consider all men
as potential candidates.
In a nutshell, all of us form beliefs, most often from our earliest days. Without some adult experience
that calls a belief into question, we can carry these thoughts as truths through our whole lives. Even
though many beliefs are unconscious, it helps to notice them and bring them into the light for further
examination. Then the most important question we can ask is “How is this belief working within us?
Is it empowering us or limiting us?”
These beliefs are evident in how someone completes the sentences you just did in the last activity: I
am . . . People are . . . Life is . . .
I love exploring beliefs, and often when I’m talking with a new friend, I like to say, “Just for giggles,
I’d like to play a game. Complete this sentence for me. Life is like a ________________.” I’m
always intrigued by what they come up with. For example, I’ve heard,
“Life is like a game.”
“Life is like a contest.”

“Life is a battle.”
“Life is an adventure.”
“Life is a circus.”
“Life is a journey.”
People come up with all sorts of metaphors that give you an indication of their beliefs about life. A
battle and a circus, are they talking about the same thing? Absolutely. And in addition to having
diverse beliefs about life, people have beliefs about themselves and about other people.
The parts of the world that really impact us are what we say to ourselves about our lives, how we
characterize them, and how other people treat us. How other people treat us, of course, is a little
more complicated because that’s mixed in with how we treat them and what their beliefs are. In many
cases, we draw conclusions from what other people do (or don’t do) that aren’t really justified by
what they did in that one specific situation.
Here’s the bottom line. People’s attention, even in conversation, is frequently internally focused,
although it may seem like they’re listening to you. This experience is so common it is frequently
expressed as a joke along the lines of “Listening is not thinking of what you are going to say next.”
In general, people are mostly concerned with themselves. They’re much more focused on their own
thoughts, feelings, choices, and behaviors than anyone else’s. That’s not necessarily bad or selfish;
it’s just the way most people work. It’s one of our basic survival characteristics.
Said another way, once you recognize and accept that, most of the time, someone else’s attention is on
their own experience, you will find it a lot easier to understand people and why they do what they do.
As you know, understanding how your beliefs motivate and shape your experience can help you
recognize how powerful they are in your life—and how powerful other people’s beliefs are in their
own lives.

Discovery Activity:
Exploring a Personal Belief
Let’s revisit the activity you did a moment ago. Choose one of the beliefs you discovered when you
completed the following sentences.
I am ____________________.

People are ________________.
Life is ___________________.
When you consider this belief now, is this something that people in your family believed?
Based on who you are today, is this something you still think is true, or something you simply
accepted and once believed?
Although many beliefs originally embodied a positive intention, like keeping us safe, or helping us
belong, they still impact our behavior.
So, is the belief you identified empowering, or limiting?
If it’s limiting, is this something you’d like to change?
One of the beliefs I’m fortunate to have is that I’m lucky. I’m pretty sure I got this from my parents.
They were people who looked for and focused on the positive things in life. I remember that even
when times were hard, they encouraged my brother and I to count our blessings and be grateful. So,
feeling that I’m lucky is a belief I want to keep and continue to feel empowered by.
But if I had a limiting belief that “people are always out to get you,” that’s something I might want to
change. If I’d had this belief for a long time, I would also have lots of evidence that it’s true, simply
because that’s what I’d been looking for. A way to loosen up this belief would be to identify counterexamples, examples that show how this belief isn’t always accurate.
Perhaps I could think of someone who was often nice to me, or I could remember a friend, teacher, or
coworker, who once stood up for me when someone else was being unkind or unfair. Maybe there
was a time when a complete stranger let me go ahead of them at the grocery store checkout when I
was in a hurry. Even a small example can begin to loosen up a limiting belief.
If I couldn’t identify any counter-examples in my own experience, I could look for these with others.
If you decide to do this, don’t pick the person who seems to have everything going their way. Instead,
pick someone you know pretty well who’s had some tough breaks, then step into second position with
them and notice anything that flies in the face of “People are always out to get you.” Perhaps this
individual got a raise or a promotion. Perhaps someone gave them free tickets to an event. Perhaps a
person who owed them money paid it back. What in this person’s experience could provide you with
a kernel of evidence and hope that “people are always out to get you” is not true?
Your beliefs are powerful, and so are other people’s. You might be wondering what to do when you
encounter another person’s belief that’s different from yours. Imagine, for a moment, that someone
across from you is stating something as fact that you know not to be fact. What do you do about that?
Do you jump right into a debate? Let’s hold this question for the next chapter, when you’ll learn
several ways to explore what the other person thinks and create an opening to consider a different
point of view.
For now, I recommend that you notice the belief and continue to learn about your companion. Do them

the favor of being curious about them, and continue to gather information about them. Usually, people
find this kind of conversation to be a very pleasant experience. They find you fascinating because
you’re fascinated with them, so this is a win/win situation.

Wants and Needs: How Exploring Beliefs Uncovers
Motivations and Meta-Outcomes
Because unconscious beliefs shape our decisions and behavior, when people tell you about something
they want or need, you’ll often discover that the stated goal is not their real motivation. There’s
something called the goal-behind-the-goal, or “Meta-Outcomes.” In learning about the Well-Formed
Outcome in Chapter 2, you explored the meta-outcomes related to a goal you chose.
So how do you learn about someone else’s meta-outcomes in a conversational way? Imagine, for
example, that a neighbor tells you, “I’ve got to go down and get my car washed this afternoon.” In
response, you could say, “Oh, that’s a good thing. I do that once in a while, too. How often do you get
it done?”
“Oh, I get it done every week.”
“What’s important to you about that?”
“What? Are you serious? It’s important to take care of my things,” or “Well, in this neighborhood
everybody’s car is shiny, and I don’t want to be the bum on the block,” or “If I don’t do it, my wife
takes it to this place that costs fifty-two dollars, so I take care of it.” You’ll get some kind of reason.
The more you peel the layers of the onion, the more you’ll learn about someone’s beliefs, metaoutcomes, and real motivations.
Two of my favorite questions to uncover unconscious motivations and beliefs are “What would
happen if that occurred?” and “What’s important about that?” These provide me with interesting
information about and insight into others. It doesn’t put people on guard. Because it just gets them
thinking, these are great questions that elicit honest feedback from people.
Also, when I’m trying to learn about someone’s reasons, goals, and dreams and the goal-behind-thegoal (meta-outcomes), the big question is “If that happened, what would that do for you?” This
question is like magic, so I usually ask it again, building on what they just told me, “And if that
happened, what would that do for you that’s even more important?” Here’s an example of what these
questions might reveal.
Imagine that someone told you, “I’ve got to finish my courses and get this degree.”
“Okay, and if you get the degree, what will that do for you?”
“Well, then I can enter my chosen field of microbiology.”

“That’s great. And if you enter your chosen field, what’s even more important about that?”
“Well, then I’ll be doing work I like and I’ll be getting paid well.”
“Great. So doing work you like and getting paid well, what does that do for you?”
“Well, then I can buy a house, get married, and have kids. Are you crazy? What do you mean what
does it do for me?”
Then you can laugh it off and say, “Right, and is that the most important thing in life to you? Having a
house and having kids?”
“Yes! Having a happy family and a sense of belonging is really important.”
When you’re genuinely trying to learn about somebody, they don’t get resistant or resentful. Instead
people really appreciate your sincere interest. Do you know how little this happens in industrialized
society? Just think about it. Unless somebody is making cocktail party chatter, people rarely ask each
other questions beyond “What do you do?” or “Where are you from?” Almost no one ever asks
questions that sincerely dig down, do they? Your authentic interest and inquiries will be a refreshing
change.

Beyond Belief:
How Language Reveals Other Personal Preferences
Belief statements are one reflection of individual preferences. A person’s language will also reveal
their preferred representational system, their key meta-programs, and how they operate in relationship
to time. Knowing how to notice these preferences will prepare you for modifying your own
preferences in order to maximize how you communicate (which you’ll learn about in Chapter 7).

Preferred Channels: Representational System Preferences
How would you know about someone’s representational system preferences? Imagine you were
talking with someone and they mentioned their vacation plans, saying, “We’re going on vacation in
July. We’ve got reservations and we’re saving our money. We’re going back down to the Caribbean!”
You might say, “Oh, you’ve been there before. When you think about going back there, what are you
most excited about?” and the person will tell you any number of things. Whenever they slow down,
you can pick one thing to build on and say, “And what’s important to you about that?” or “What do
you like best about that?” or “What’s the best time you ever had on vacation?” With any of these
questions, you’ll be able to gather more information.
If your companion processes primarily in visual terms, they might say, “The colors of the Caribbean
are so bright . . . the costumes people wear are so vibrant . . . and the water is this sparkling emerald

green.” Their description provided you with snapshots, right?
If their processing is primarily auditory, someone will talk in terms of sound. You may hear, “I love
waking up to the sound of the surf . . . I sleep great when I can hear the rustle of the trees in the wind
. . .” or “the local music is an amazing sound; their instruments are made from steel drums, old
bottles, coconuts, and driftwood!” Hear the difference in these sound bites?
Or you’ll get a kinesthetic description. “You know, I just feel wonderful when I’m down there. I love
diving into the warm water and riding the waves . . . squishing the sand between my toes makes me
feel like a kid again . . . I’m so relaxed my stomach has settled down . . .” or “I love the food! The
spices are kind of hot, but the beer is ice cold.” Notice how these feelings and sensations shape the
experience of the listener.
Again, everyone uses all three channels, but you’ll find that people favor one over another. They’ll
lean toward feeling and emotional words or tune into sound words, or they’ll focus on vision words.
This is information most people don’t ordinarily get. Noticing these personal preferences will give
you additional insight into how the unique human you are with actually works—and how best to
communicate with someone through their preference.

Preferred Patterns of Processing: Meta-Programs
In Section 1, you learned that about additional filters that we habitually act on, called meta-programs,
which are patterns of processing information that we’ve adopted and automated to help us make
decisions and motivate ourselves.
To refresh your memory, the following chart highlights some of the key meta-programs. In Chapter 4,
when you were initially introduced to these filters, which ones seemed to best describe you?

Meta-Program

Answers the Question

Options/Procedures

Is it more important for you to do something the “right way” than it is to
have alternative ways of doing it?

Toward/AwayFrom

Are you more motivated by moving toward something that has a potentially
positive outcome, or away from a potentially negative consequence?

Proactive/Reactive

Are you more likely to take the initiative to act, or wait for someone else
to do it—or for something else to happen?

Internal/External

When you evaluate something, are you more likely to use an internal
personal standard, or to ask for someone else’s feedback?

General/Specific

Do you most often deal in the “big picture”—or in the details?

Match/Mismatch

When making comparisons, do you notice how things are alike, or where
there are differences/discrepancies?

As you think about meta-programs, remember that these behaviors are expressed more as a continuum
than as extremes. But when you consider the two extremes, there’s likely to be one in the pair that you
can barely understand or have trouble tolerating. If so, the opposite one is your preference. Metaprograms are so much a part of us that when you try them on, you may discover you have strong
feelings about the “rightness” of one versus the other.
Because meta-programs are unconscious and personal, they can be a source of conflict between
coworkers, significant others, teammates, and even strangers. Because meta-programs are now on
your radar, a part of you will be looking for them and wondering how they’re influencing your
interactions.
If you’re “externally oriented” and like to get feedback from other people before moving forward, you
might be really irritated to come back from vacation and find that your coworker put information
about a new product on the company website before “testing” it with a sample group. This frustration
might be really severe if another of your meta-programs was “reactive.”
And if your orientation is “away-from” as well as “specific,” you might feel challenged by a spouse
who comes home waving two tickets to Paris and saying, “I got a great deal! We leave day after
tomorrow, so get packing!”
A New Aspect of Meta-Programs: “Content” and “Domain”
Another important meta-program is called “Content.” The “Content” meta-program recognizes the
importance we assign to these five basic elements, called “Domains,” of life: People, Information,
Things, Activity, and Location. It’s a revealing aspect of our nature. Are we “people-people” or do
we collect antiques? Do we remember based on where we were, or what we did, or whom we were
with, or what we had or what we learned?
With a little attention and practice, you’ll notice how someone’s possessions or conversation will
reveal how they prioritize these five elements.
All of us relate to these domains and unconsciously rank them one through five. For instance, my
personal “sort” is probably People, Information, Place, Activity, and then Things. Possessions and
things like that are pretty low on my list of awareness. Relationships (People) are the first things that
occur to me, and next for me is information.
These content “sorts” are context-based. For example, my wife, Vikki, sorts content this way—
People, Activity, Place, Information, and Things. We’re aligned in a lot of ways, but, at home, she’s
much more proactive than I am in terms of creating our environment. She watches HGTV and I’ll
watch the Discovery Channel. She’s looking at Place and Things and how they may be arranged

(Activity), and I’m looking at history and science and stuff like that, because I’m an information
junkie. We have these overlaps and we have these interesting differences.
As you become more aware of your meta-programs and see them in others, you’ll notice how
commonalities can be a source of comfort and connection. And how differences can be a source of
curiosity or conflict. There’s no right or wrong about this. It’s all just preference. Fortunately, things
are just not neatly black-and-white—you’re this and I’m that—and never the twain shall meet.
A Case in Point: Meta-Program Content
Here’s how a forty-one-year-old client of mine who was an engineer used his knowledge of metaprograms to increase his versatility and comfort. He was married to a woman whose top three
priorities were Things, Activity, and Place. She loved to go to flea markets.
Because his initial “sort” was Information, Activity, and Relationship, the very thought of going to a
flea market and all the stuff there made him a little crazy. Once he realized this, he started researching
what the vendors were selling by asking them where the items came from and their history. Just by
focusing on information, he was able to amuse himself and make it a more enjoyable experience.
Consider a person whose top three priorities are Information, Place, and Activity. That person’s not
likely to be warm and fuzzy. That person probably lives in his or her head. Their home, the place they
actually live, is going to be very important to them, so you don’t want to mess with it. You might not
even be welcome there. Quite frequently, they’re really attached to what they do, and relationships
aren’t very high on their list. I know some superb teachers who are like this. While we like and
respect each other, it’s not like they often call me saying, “Let’s go hang out.” I don’t take it
personally—it’s just how they operate. It’s just personal preference.

The Common Thread: How People Relate to Time
The element of time touches many aspects of our lives, so the different ways people relate to it
always reveals something about their unique world.
Time Orientation: Through Time and in Time
A person who’s through time is someone who can see the past, present, and future simultaneously.
This perspective is likely to make someone a good observer and excellent planner. In contrast, a
person who is in time is very associated, very in the moment. This person has the capability to really
enjoy life in the moment. However, they may not excel at planning or keeping commitments. To them,
a commitment is something that happened in the past and planning is something that happens in the
future. When someone is in time, it makes sense that these behaviors would present a challenge.
When you understand your orientation to time and recognize that someone else’s is different, it’s

easier to stay away from making judgments about it and accept that this is just how they operate.
Cultural Time Orientation: Monochronic and Polychronic
Cultural differences in time orientation often create friction. I just moved from Silicon Valley in
California, where it’s very diverse. People from all over the world live and work there; so cultural
differences about time make communicating challenging.
Psychologist and author Allen Bluedorn, conducting research about time, found that in
communication, especially nonverbal communication, there are really two major divisions for time:
monochronic and polychronic.
Monochronic time is linear. That’s Germany, Canada, Switzerland, Scandinavia, most of Europe, and
the United States. We’re very linear. We like schedules. We show up at the agreed-upon time for an
appointment because that’s what’s important to us. We say time is money and that you can’t ever get it
back, so culturally that’s what we’re about. It makes sense that in the 1300s the first clocks were built
in Europe.
Polychronic time is a system where several things can be done at once; it’s a more fluid approach.
Polychronic time is common in southern Europe, Latino cultures, Native American cultures, Arabic
cultures, Mexico, and India. Relationships are much more important in these cultures, and there’s
much less attention to accounting for every moment.
If you were at a friend’s house in a polychronic time culture and there was something going on there
that was going to make you late for an appointment, you’d just go ahead and be late, because the
relationship is what really matters. Since that less formal perception of time is accepted, being late
wouldn’t be the same kind of issue or an insult that it would be in a monochronic time culture.
These are broad generalities, of course. Yet among the people you know, you’ll probably notice that
their different approaches to time are based on the culture they’re in or the one they’re from. When we
lived in California, a lot of the housekeepers were Hispanic and some of our friends would say, “The
housekeepers are late again. They’re just lazy.” That judgment stems from a linear orientation to time,
right? These housekeepers weren’t lazy; they were probably taking care of their children or looking in
on a friend. They were just operating from a different set of values.
As I began exploring time and wanting to write about it, I realized how profoundly it affects people’s
approaches and beliefs about so many things. And I began to wonder if additional research about time
had been done recently.
Time Orientation: Now and Then
Phil Zimbardo, a prolific professor at Stanford University, has written a lot about psychology and
lately he’s been talking about how time operates differently in people’s lives. (There’s a wonderful
animated presentation of his key concepts on TED and YouTube.) Some of what he describes will not

surprise you, because these patterns are things you’ve probably noticed in your own life and in your
interactions with others.
He says people are past-oriented, present-oriented, or future-oriented. Interesting, huh? If they’re
future-oriented, they’re obviously more focused on the future than on the present or the past. They’re
good planners. They’re very goal-oriented. They tend to have higher grade point averages, be health
conscious, and save their money. They can delay gratification, so they have pretty good ego control
and self-esteem. However, because they are sometimes too far in the future, they may have trouble
locating themselves in the present. As a result, they may be less able to enjoy present activities and
may be a little less affectionate to people immediately around them.
People who are past-oriented are actually looking back at the past; they’re relating everything that’s
happening to what’s already happened. These people operate primarily from negative past
perspectives or positive past perspectives. They base their outlook and decisions on these
experiences.
If, for example, a past-oriented person has had sad, painful, or traumatic experiences they haven’t
gotten over, they’re going to be pessimistic. They tend to expect less out of the future and are hesitant
to take risks. In contrast, people who have happy pasts are going to be quite optimistic, enthusiastic,
and ambitious; they expect to repeat or create a good experience that they feel happy about.
People who are present-oriented can pretty much be divided into two categories: hedonistic or
fatalistic. If they’re fatalistic, they think that fate’s in charge of their life, so they live more passive
lives, believing they have little or no personal power. If they’re hedonistic, they like to enjoy life.
They’re impulsive, they’re spontaneous, and they’re risk takers. They tend to lose themselves in the
excitement of the moment and have passionate relationships. One conclusion: you simply don’t want
someone who is present-oriented in a planning capacity.
There are many more subtle distinctions. But always ask yourself, “Where is this person in
relationship to time? Are they thinking about and living in the past, in the present, or in the future?”
Someone’s orientation to time impacts what we learn about them, what we choose to say to them, and
what might be possible in a relationship with them.

A New Approach:
How to Apply Your Understanding of Nonverbal Behavior, Beliefs, and Personal
Preferences to Interactions with Others
Setting your intention on understanding someone else’s world can help you establish rapport, enhance
your communication, and deepen your connection. You can also begin to enjoy discovering all the
ways people are different instead of being puzzled or even annoyed by the differences.
Of course, trying to notice and explore all these different pieces of someone’s world can be a little

overwhelming, especially when you’re meeting someone new. Here’s something easy you can do to
practice and hone your skills.

Discovery Activity:
Exploring Someone’s Inner World
Just for fun, complete the following questions to see what you already know about someone you’re
close to. Right now, think of someone you know pretty well.
Person:______________________
How are they in relationship to time?
When they describe something (especially an experience that has emotions associated with it), what
does their language tell you about the representational system they’re processing in? Are they more
visual, auditory, or kinesthetic?
What meta-programs do you notice in their behavior? Is their orientation more:
– Options or Procedures?
– Toward or Away-From?
– Proactive or Reactive?
– Internal or External?
– General or Specific?
– Match or Mismatch?
How would they rank the meta-program content domains—people, place, information, activities, and
things?
How do you imagine they’d complete these sentences?
I am ____________________.
People are ________________.
Life is ___________________.
What beliefs do you notice that they mention fairly frequently?
Do these beliefs seem to be empowering or limiting?

Of course, these answers are just a starting point. As you interact with the person you’ve identified,
try to see them with fresh eyes. Be curious and ask questions about missing information that you
normally would have just filled in. As you get more information, consider which of your initial
observations were on target, and which ones were not. (To get an outside perspective, invite this
person to take the quick assessment you did in Chapter 4 to get a brief profile of their metaprograms.)
During your next several interactions with this person, notice how the communication or feelings may
be different from before—simply because you are stepping outside yourself, and focusing on really
understanding them.
This practice experience will help you use these same observation and questioning skills with others
you know or are just meeting. Noticing what’s missing in someone’s communication, recovering lost
information, discovering what someone really wants, recognizing their preferred representational
system for processing, identifying how someone is in relationship to time, and distinguishing their
meta-programs will help you understand and appreciate their world. No one’s way is wrong—it’s
just different. These differences reflect the richness of human experience.
Using the information and skills you learned in this chapter can change your life. And because this
way of communicating alters the way you touch the lives of others, you can help make the world a
better place. In the next chapter, you’ll learn how to put these discoveries to work so you can be even
more effective and persuasive.

Key Ideas
•

Nonverbal behaviors like personal space, body position and posture, gestures, facial
expressions, etc., provide important information about another person’s inner world.

•

Naturally (or intentionally) matching someone else’s nonverbal behaviors in a subtle way
can create a sense of safety and rapport.

•

“Trying on” a person’s behaviors to see how they feel is a kind of “mind reading” that
enables someone else to step into the other person’s world.

•

Because language is linguistic shorthand about someone’s experience, it has gaps in
information. The NLP Meta Model provides a process to gather missing details.

•

“Zooming in” helps us focus on another person and understand their world. “Zooming out,”
when interactions feel a little tense, enables us to give someone room to exhale and affords
us the opportunity to go to third position to objectively assess what’s going on.

•

Noticing incongruities between what someone is saying and how they’re saying it (how
their body looks or what their tone sounds like) is like approaching a yellow light; it pays
to slow down and evaluate the situation before rushing on.

•

For better or worse, beliefs filter our experience. Most beliefs are formed when we’re
young and they still drive our behavior years later.

•

Beliefs can be detected in people’s language.

•

When we uncover beliefs, we have a chance to discover how they influence us.

•

Exploring a person’s goal-behind-the-goal (the meta-outcome) enables to us to have greater
insight into what’s most important to them.

•

Paying close attention to someone’s language is one way to identify:
>
>
>

that person’s preferred sensory channel
the meta-programs that influence them
how they are in relationship to time.

To enhance the skills you learned in this chapter, check out the recommended Bonus Activities at our
special “Essential Guide” website: http://eg.nlpco.com/6-1 or use the QR code with your phone.

Discoveries, Questions, Ideas, and Stuff You Want to Work On

CHAPTER SEVEN: M AKING YOUR P OINT EASILY

How can I help people understand what I mean?

Thaw with her gentle persuasion is more powerful than Thor
with his hammer. The one melts, the other breaks into pieces.
—Henry David Thoreau

Much of the previous content has been dedicated to understanding how to thaw things out in
ourselves and in others. By learning how we process our experience we thaw out our welldeveloped, well-intended foundation of patterns. Making these automated and sometimes rigid
patterns more fluid readies our internal environment for change and enables us to bring our most
comfortable, congruent selves to any interaction. And by being genuinely curious about how others
process, we bring a welcome warmth, refreshing honesty, and increased understanding to
relationships.
This chapter is about connecting the dots—building on what you’ve learned about yourself and others
—to help you further enhance communication and connections.

Chronicle: High Points of the Journey So Far
We’ve covered a lot of ground together so let’s quickly open our mental files so we can easily
connect previous concepts with new ones. Because you’re already familiar with the content, the
following refreshers appear as suggestions.
•

Work from the inside out. First, notice what’s happening with you. Use your NLP tools,
especially sub-modalities, to change your emotional reactions and improve your personal
experience.

•

When you’re comfortable and congruent, consider what’s happening with others around you.
Set your intent to focus on being interested, not interesting.

•

To signal that you are safe, use your body language and slightly extended eye contact to
show that you’re open and interested.

•

To understand what someone really means and how it is in their world, use the Meta Model
to fill in gaps left by linguistic shorthand.

•

Pay particular attention to other people’s nonverbal communications and subtly mirror one
or two of these behaviors by matching their posture, gestures, rate of speech, or tone of
voice.

•

Notice people’s language, because it will reveal their preferred meta-programs and
representational channel, their relationship to time, and their beliefs—all of which give you
insight into their worlds.

•

When you hear a belief from someone, explore the related meta-outcomes and consider how
that belief may be empowering or limiting that person.

Because you’ve been practicing these behaviors, you’ve learned even more about yourself—and
others. This chapter will help you take your skills to the next level and support you in making
connections with others and being understood.
It may surprise you to learn that getting people to “buy in”—to move them from resisting—to listening
and considering what you say actually doesn’t depend so much on what you tell them. It’s more about
what you get them to tell you—and what goes on in their brains during that process.
A book called Just Listen beautifully illustrates this phenomena. The author, Mark Goulston, is a
psychiatrist who teaches hostage negotiation to many different government agencies. He’s used to
dealing with people under tremendous stress. He says that the most important part of communicating
with somebody else is the quality of your listening skills—not what you say.
So, the way you and your message are received isn’t really influenced so much by your haircut, what
you wear, or the firmness of your handshake. It’s based on how the other person feels when they’re
with you. It’s based on how safe, interesting, and felt they feel—and how you helped them feel that
way. Sound familiar?

Physical Connection:
How Touch Enhances Connections and Impact
Touch is one way you can influence a person’s experience of being with you and their recollection of
that connection. Because we talked about the power of touch in earlier chapters, you may recall that
waitresses, petition signature collectors, and basketball teams that use appropriate touch enjoy
improved results. Touch will, without question, enhance your ability to warm up even casual
connections.
For example, research has shown that babies don’t thrive if they’re not touched and cuddled when
they’re infants; their brains will not develop well and they won’t gain the weight that they need to. In
fact, the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami School of Medicine has carried out more
than one hundred studies and found evidence of the significant effects of touch—including faster

growth of premature babies, reduced pain, decreased autoimmune disease symptoms, lowered
glucose levels in children with diabetes, and improved immune systems in people with cancer. All
these benefits—just from a nurse’s touch!
Cincinnati Children’s Hospital is one of a number of leading health centers in the United States that
now use healing touch therapy. Their director said, “Research has demonstrated that patients who
receive healing touch experience accelerated wound healing, relaxation, pain relief, and general
comfort.”
In addition to these details about research and touch, I’d like to share a personal example of how
touch left an impression on me. You may recall that in my first meeting with my wife, she repeatedly
touched my arm at the café and said, “Tom, it was just the funniest thing.” All these years later, I can
still feel that spot on my arm.
When I was thinking about that gift, I realized that my father was like my wife in the way he used
touch. He was an immigrant from Assyria, who moved to the States to enjoy greater safety and
religious freedom. He was a big strong farm boy, who went to UCLA and played football; later he
became a preacher, and ultimately, because he was a truly talented tenor, he became a professional
singer.
I grew up in the Los Angeles area right after World War II and noticed that my dad was always
throwing his arm around people and hugging them. At that time, men here didn’t really do that. I
remember noticing that his friends and associates seemed kind of uncomfortable when my dad would
embrace them, so I asked my mom about it and she explained, “American men aren’t used to being as
demonstrative as your father is.”
But here’s the thing. Everybody loved my dad, everybody. They just lit up when he came in. Because
he gave people his full attention, he had an ability to make each one feel very special. In addition to
being brilliant and talented, he was the kindest man I ever met. He brought heart to everything he did
—and one of the ways he showed his heart was to touch people. People around him felt the way I feel
when I’m around my wife.
So, what’s this have to do with you and why should you care?
Here’s my experience. I love my dad and I adore my wife, but I don’t think that they’re really more
magical than the rest of us. Well, maybe a little bit because they had this instinct for touching people
and making kinesthetic contact. But it’s touch itself that’s really magical.
Since I’ve adopted my wife’s habit of touching others, I’ve substantially warmed up my relationships
in my family and among casual acquaintances. I will pat somebody on the shoulder or touch their arm
when I’m saying something—particularly when greeting them, complimenting them, or saying goodbye. It appears to be more than acceptable; it seems to deepen our connection.
This new habit of touching has also made me feel more at home with other people. I feel more relaxed
because I’ve had contact with them. I feel like we’re more in the groove with each other. I end up

joking with people more than I used to, even when I’m waiting in line with complete strangers.
Because of touch, I end up making more human-level contacts, instead of connections that are limited
to my role in a particular situation.
So, if you haven’t experimented with touch already, make a commitment to do it in your next two or
three interactions. You can do it quietly, a little bit at a time, so nobody needs to notice anything, until
you’re comfortable reaching out to others even more. Try to increase the number of times that you
touch the people around you. It can be as demonstrative and frequent as the ways my wife or my dad
used touch, or it can be just a quick friendly pat, but give it a try.
As you know, NLP calls these touches anchors. Anchors, when you do it this way, just as it happened
with my wife and me, are kind of little reminders that you were there. Our skin is chock full of nerves,
so touching and being touched definitely brings us closer to each other. Again, these kinds of anchors
are completely subliminal and completely unconscious, so using the power of touch will just leave
people with the impression that you’re warmer or more relaxed or more outgoing. Not bad, right?

Oxygen Mask First: How Managing Your
Inner State Keeps the Focus on Others
It’s impossible to overstate the importance of paying attention to and managing your inner state. It’s
like putting your own oxygen mask on first, right?
I confess, doing this didn’t come easily to me. As I told you, I’m a big guy, I move kind of fast, and
I’ve got a deep voice, so these qualities were an asset when I was in the military. And I had
developed a habit of being a bit blustery and domineering. Then, while studying NLP, I became aware
of the way I came across to people and I wanted to change that.
So one of the things that I did during the NLP workshops was to learn how I could enter a room and
not be noticed. I wanted not to be distracting in any way—so I wanted to enter the room without
people noticing my arrival.
I practiced on a class of fifty NLP students that I was coaching. Any time I’d been out of the room, I’d
pause—and before I entered the classroom, I would consciously check on and attend to my inner
state. I’d put my virtual oxygen mask on. I would purposely calm myself down, center myself—then
open the door and slip in. I graded myself by how many heads turned. And when I was able to do this
so that the only person who looked up was the one nearest the door, I figured I’d gotten this part
mastered. I could slip in like an expert high diver who enters the water with only the slightest ripple.
For you, managing your inner state might mean bringing your energy up, rather than quieting it down.
If, for example, you tend to be a tentative or shy person, you might want to amp up your energy. The
way to do that, of course, is to think about the other person. Imagine them feeling a lot like you do.
After all, few of us get enough attention. Each of us is out there pretty much on our own, playing and

fulfilling our different roles.
Nobody really expects that we’re going to pay attention to them. So before you meet somebody,
imagine in your mind, “I’m going to meet somebody wonderful. I don’t know anything about them and
this is going to be a game. I’m going to enjoy learning as much as possible about them without it
feeling like they’ve just been in the third-degree hot seat.”
Your goal and your intention in meeting somebody are really what drive the experience. After all, if
you know what you want from the meeting and how you want that process to feel, you have a clear
and worthwhile focus. In this case, getting to know the other person is your goal. This really frees you
from worrying if you have something in your teeth, if your fly is zipped, or if you’re making a good
first impression. Believe me, if you’re genuinely interested in the other person and it shows, you will
have their attention. They will enjoy being around you.
So once you’re under control, take care to avoid a common pitfall of persuading. When people try to
persuade other people—when they get into selling, urging, encouraging, and arguing—all of those
behaviors make the other person feel pushed. What’s lacking from most social interactions where a
person feels pressured is the opportunity to exhale, to just relax and ease into being with people.
Think of the people whom you enjoy being around. Are they pushy? Needy? Narcissistic? Or are they
calm, relaxed, centered in themselves, and genuinely interested in you? Just think about that. Your
intent is to help the other person feel safe, relaxed, and at home with you. So, instead of accelerating
the energy, you want to step back a little to give them some psychological air, and if you feel like
you’re picking up too much speed, “zoom out” and briefly visit third position to assess how the
interaction is going.
Your ability to use a person’s name in conversation, to use extended eye contact and touch, and to
match their nonverbals and their language are charmers. Once the other person feels safe and felt, you
can show more interest in them in terms of asking them questions about what they do, what they like,
what would it be like if they could do, have, or be something different, and what that will do for
them; then listen and just let the other person run with it. As they do, they’ll give you more information
about themselves—and you can ask more follow-up questions.
People who are busy with their stories and their talk about “me, me, me” are the ones who give the
impression of being insecure. They often turn others off because they don’t seem to be interested in
anyone but themselves. People who try to be interesting (and I was guilty of this in the past) are
probably insecure. People who are self-assured are interested. That’s the big difference. To be
genuinely interested in someone else allows you to feel self-assured. It gives you information and it
creates the impression that you are self-assured, open, and safe.
So, when you’re talking with people, in addition to the questions you learned in Chapter 5, you want
to ask questions that get at how they feel or think about something, as well as what they’ve done in the
past or might like to have happen in the future. As they answer, they begin to feel known by you. And
as they become known by you, they’ll be more comfortable and will share even more of themselves

with you. Cool, right?

Rules of the Road:
Quick Tips to Navigate Uncharted Territory
Before we explore challenging and sometimes difficult situations, where persuading may feel more
like negotiating, here are a few simple rules to keep in mind.
1. Don’t interrupt. When somebody starts talking, let them go. Be mindful to keep the flow going and
manage any desire to think “out loud.”
2. Don’t ever contradict. If they say something that you feel you ethically have to take issue with, a
better way of doing this is to agree with their viewpoint—say, “That’s an interesting viewpoint. I
understand that, and I wonder if this would also be possible, or if this has any interest or validity
for you.” (Since I’ve been able to adopt the attitude that whatever anyone says is interesting and
fits in with their world, I find I no longer feel compelled to contradict or correct them.)
A long time ago, I read about something Thomas Jefferson said he learned from Benjamin
Franklin: “Never take issue with another man. If you prove him wrong, you’ve made an enemy for
life, and if he proves you wrong he’ll think you a fool.” Thomas Jefferson said that Ben Franklin
was the best-loved man in the colonies because he was the least argumentative. Interesting, isn’t
it? And it’s kind of a little nod to the principles of NLP.
3. Avoid using the words but, why, and phrases starting with you. Replacing the word but with and
usually encourages discussion. Here’s the reason: when you use the word but in a sentence, its job
is to negate everything that went before that. You can say, “I understand where you’re coming from,
but I feel differently.” As soon as you say the word but, it means everything that went before that is
a lie; it negates a whole part of your statement. People know this and still many people use it—
letting it negatively impact their rapport and their message.
Because why is also a word that often makes people feel challenged or even attacked, it can
undermine the feelings of safety and comfort that you’ve worked so hard to create. Think about it.
“Why do you do that? Why did you wear that? Why do you think that?” Why doesn’t support
feelings of rapport. If you must use it, if there’s no other way to ask about something specific, then
soften it by saying, “I wonder why that’s so. What do you think?” Much better words to use are
who, what, when, where, and how.
Imagine that someone (even you?) has an issue that sounds like this: “Why does this keep
happening to me?” or “Why do I always get the short end of the stick?” To answer this question,
the unconscious mind has to agree that the person always gets the short end of the stick; so it will
produce a reason, even if it’s not true. “Why” means there’s no dispute, so the mind will make up a
reason, which further cements the feeling or belief.

Although I discovered that “why” questions were good to ask when I was doing product
development—“Why does this thing keep blowing up?”—I discovered that it’s definitely not
useful in building relationships. So I trained myself to substitute “How come?” for “Why?” and I
recommend that you play with this or find an alternative that works for you.
Starting a sentence with the word you is less black-and-white in its effect. You can use you in
conversation easily. “You have a great tan. I’ll bet you had a great time on vacation.” The problem
is when you start with the word you, it can sound accusatory. “You always do this. You did that.”
Unless it’s a compliment, there are very few sentences beginning with the word you that are going
to put people at ease.
4. Get the other person’s name and repeat it so you can remember it; then use it during your
conversation.
5. Parrot the other person. All you need to do when they say something is repeat the last two or three
words as a question. For instance, if somebody says, “I’m really tired today,” all you have to say
is “Tired?” and that will invite them to go on and explain more about what made them so tired.
Were they out late? Did they run a marathon? Are they having trouble sleeping? Parroting invites
them to give you more of a glimpse into their world.
You might imagine that simply repeating someone’s words will make the other person feel
mimicked. Yet, if you do repeat their words back to them, without any interpretation, they’ll really
feel heard. You can also do this in a conversational way. If, for example, I said to someone,
“How’s your day going?” and they said, “Oh, don’t ask,” then I would say, “Okay, now I’ve got to
ask. How’s your day been? What made you say that?”
6. Dig deeper. If you’re pretty comfortable with the person, you can even just say, “Because?” or
“And that was because?” and see what they tell you. These are nice ways of saying “why?” and it
leads them to give you more of a story. What you want is to avoid questions that have a yes-or-no
answer.
7. Open the door to possibility. If somebody says, “Oh, I couldn’t do that,” say “Oh, I know it’s too
hard, it’s almost unthinkable, but I’m wondering, what would it be like if you could?” The
underlying sense of that phrase is “I agree with you. I’m not disagreeing with you. I agree with you
that you can’t, but I’m curious. I wonder what would it be like if you could.”
Here’s an interesting thing about the way humans work. Whenever we hear a question, we’re
inclined to answer; we almost can’t help doing this. Even if we don’t respond out loud, we answer
the question in our heads.
For example, if I were to say, “I wonder what your father would look like if he had green hair.
Imagine that your father was there in a picture out in front of you; if he was standing maybe ten feet
away from you with green hair, would it be light green or dark green? I don’t know; what would it
look like? Would his eyebrows match his hair?” Now your brain is making images—because that’s
the way brains work.

So questions are really powerful tools for guiding experience. You just want to make sure that
when you’re guiding someone’s inner experience you’re guiding them in a direction that will be
pleasant for them to experience, so they’ll like being around you.
Suppose someone lets me know how their day went, saying, “My boss was really short-tempered
today. I think something is going on. He gave me an assignment and wouldn’t give me any direction
on how to do it.” I’d say, “Oh, so you got an assignment and you didn’t get the information on how
to do it,” and they’d say, “Yeah,” and then they’ll go on! The point is, they will feel that you really
understand them. Because they feel heard, they’re likely to tell you more.
8. At some point during this exchange, I could also say, “If I were you in that situation, that would
make me feel pretty frustrated—or I might feel unappreciated.” Using “feeling” words helps
someone feel felt. As soon as you do that you’ve crossed over, and at some point in the
conversation—and this happens time and time again—the other person leans forward and starts to
talk. When that happens, that’s the exhale. This is the point where you can talk.
9. Check for agreement. If you have something to propose, do so—and then check for agreement. For
example, you might say, “How do you feel about this solution?” If the other person is hesitant or
unwilling to reach an agreement, ask them, “What changes would you like to see that would make
the agreement more acceptable, more fair?”
These nine recommendations will help you navigate the unpredictable waters of communication.
When you’re listening to another person, remember that it’s always useful to ask yourself, “What has
to be going on in that person’s world for this to be true for them?” This question not only gives you a
shot of empathy for the other person, it also gives you an insight into how they may be feeling.

The Local Language: How to Communicate According
to Someone Else’s Preferences
As you know, our language shows how we construct our thoughts, our inner reality—whether that’s
mostly through pictures, words and stories, feelings, or even scents or tastes. In Chapter 6, you
learned that the predicates people use, their meta-programs, the way they reference time, and the
beliefs they state as fact, reveal what’s true for them. These details provide clues for how to deepen
rapport and be persuasive.
There’s an old saying, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” Each of us has preferred modes of
speech that reveal our preferred sensory arena. Once you know how someone is processing their
experience, you can adapt your language to be more like theirs, right? That gives you a lot of power to
connect with them, to have them feel that you are on their side, that you understand them. A funny thing
is that when you step this far into someone else’s world, you really do become more simpatico. You
genuinely have a deeper understanding of their world—and consequently a greater appreciation for

them as a person.
Let’s explore an example of discovering and using someone’s preferred channel of experience as
revealed in the predicates they use.

ADAPTING TO PREFERRED REPRESENTATIONAL CHANNELS
Imagine that someone uses a lot of visual language. “It was clear as day to me.” “It was the blackest
sky” or “It looked completely wrong.” How could you show them that you’re on the same page?
If you’re a highly visual person, too, this might be easy. But what if you were kinesthetic; would that
feel like more of a stretch? (Remember, as kinesthetic processor you might naturally say, “I’m
following you” or “That makes sense to me.”) By shifting from your natural preference into theirs,
you could say, “I see what you mean . . . I can imagine that . . .” or “That’s crystal clear to me.” And if
you wanted to further explore what they were talking about, you might say, “I’m trying to get a clear
picture of what you’re looking for. Please tell me more about what you’d like to see happen. Can you
shed some light on that?”
A salesperson selling a car to this visual person might say, “This car looks like it meets all the
criteria on your list. Can’t you just see yourself driving it? Imagine how great it would be to use this
car for your summer vacations. I’d love to see a photo of your family in it when you go the Grand
Canyon next month.” If he wasn’t getting a favorable response after showing them the car’s features,
the salesman could say, “It appears to me like you’re hesitant, that this one’s not exactly what you’re
looking for. I can keep an eye out for a car like this in that deep blue color you like . . .”
Speaking someone’s language makes it easier for them to get the message you’re sending simply
because they have less to translate into their preferred channel of processing.

Discovery Activity:
Using Predicates of Preferred Channels
So, how can you learn to speak someone else’s language? Practice. Because making the adjustment
may not come naturally to you, think of it as a game. Play with the language rather than be concerned
whether it’s right or wrong. Just for fun, read items 1a, 2a, and 3a. Then complete items 1b, 2b, and
3b to produce a short list of conversational phrases that you often hear. For example, after reading the
sample visual word, you might write “I see what you mean” or “Feel free to look around” in the
space provided in 1b. You can refer to (and add to) these whenever you’re writing or when you want
to adapt your language to someone else’s preferred channel.

1A: LOOK AT THESE SAMPLE VISUAL WORDS
Descriptors: clear/cloudy, light/dark, colorful/drab, big/little
Verbs: imagine, envision, see, watch
Nouns: vision, snapshot, picture, image

1B: LIST COMMON CONVERSATIONAL VISUAL PHRASES YOU CAN IMAGINE

2A: LISTEN TO THESE SAMPLE AUDITORY WORDS
Descriptors: loud/quiet, harmonious, dissonant, clear/flat
Verbs: whisper/shout, hear/listen, sing, echo
Nouns: sound/note, noise, tenor/tone, pitch

2B: LIST COMMON CONVERSATIONAL AUDITORY PHRASES YOU CAN RECALL

3A: TRY ON THESE SAMPLE KINESTHETIC WORDS
Descriptors: scary/inviting, chaotic/calm, sad/funny, good/bad
Verbs: sense/feel, reach/grab, kiss/slap, fly/fall
Nouns: impact, turnaround, crash, exploration

3B: LIST COMMON CONVERSATIONAL KINESTHETIC PHRASES YOU FEEL ARE ON TARGET

For additional demonstrations and/or examples, go to http://eg.nlpco.com/7-1.

Adapting to Meta-Program Preferences
Adjusting your communication style can go a long way to creating harmony at work or at home. If
someone’s meta-program preferences are different from yours, try on theirs—and demonstrate your
increasing flexibility by communicating in theirs. Let’s take an example.
Imagine that your natural preference is specific and away-from and that your boss, who wants an
update on a project you’re working on, is a toward and general-oriented guy. You’ve noticed in the
past that when you explain what you’ve been doing and spell out all the details, he kind of glazes over
midway through your update. You’d like to avoid getting that reaction—and to feel more comfortable
providing him with the information he wants. So, what can you do?
You could step into his shoes by asking yourself, “What’s important to him about this project and
what concerns might he have about it?” In trying to answer this question, you might reflect back to
what he told you when you got the project and what his vision for it was—or even recall questions
he’s asked you during other project updates. Once you’ve identified some of your supervisor’s
criteria related to this project, you could make a brief outline that enables you to gift-wrap your
succinct update in terms of his criteria. Give him the high points and be prepared to provide relevant
details if asked.
Continuing with the scenario, imagine that you need your supervisor’s support to light a fire under
another department manager who looks like he won’t deliver his group’s part of the project at the
agreed-upon time—which will really put you and your team up against a wall. If your boss is toward
and you’re away-from, you’d want to phrase your request accordingly, right?
You might want to say, “It’s really a burden for my team when Bill’s department drags their feet and
makes it hard to meet the deadline. Can you do something?” But it would be more effective to say, “I
know that this project is key to the new product launch. It’s so exciting that we’ll be the first in our
industry to introduce this innovative tool. Can you help Bill’s group stay focused on the target—so the
whole project team can meet its deadline? I want to make sure we enjoy the longest window of
opportunity we can.” That’s pretty different, right? Which one do you think would get the boss to

encourage Bill’s group to step things up?
These kinds of adjustments aren’t just helpful at work—you’ll find them helpful in all your
relationships. Imagine that you and your significant other want to purchase a house. In this scenario,
you’re proactive and toward. You’ve found a house you like and are ready to move forward. Because
your mate is more away-from and external you might want to say, “Let’s get going on this right away;
this house is really perfect for us. I can see us living there.”
After stepping into your significant other’s world, you might say instead, “Buying a house is a big
decision for us. It seems like there are a lot of things we really like about this place and I don’t think
either of us wants to lose it to someone else. I’m wondering what kind of support will help us be
more certain about our decision. Didn’t your sister just buy a great house? Maybe she has some ideas,
or what about Lee from your book group who used to be a Realtor?” This second approach reflects
the significant other’s world and is more likely to get a favorable response than “Let’s do this”—isn’t
it?

Adapting to Time Differences
If someone you love or work with has a very different relationship to time, this can create some
serious conflict. Part of this discord comes from the meaning we attach to these differences. Imagine,
for example, that you are someone who’s through time and your best friend is in time. Because of this
difference, you often find yourself at a restaurant waiting twenty minutes before he shows up.
You might interpret their being late any number of ways. “He’s so inconsiderate. He doesn’t really
want to spend time with me. I’m never as important as his work.” Any of these things might be true
but it’s just as likely that because he’s in time, he gets caught up in the present moment. He actually is
unaware of what time it is, or how much time he needs to allot to the process of stopping what he’s
doing and getting on the road to meet you on time. He’s only thinking about right now.
This difference might turn out to be a deal breaker for you; if it’s not, what are some ways you could
adapt your behavior and influence his? How could you try on what it’s like to be more in the present
moment? What would make you more comfortable during the times you are waiting for him to join
you? Could you bring a book or play a game on your phone? If you’re home, could you take that time
to talk with a friend on the phone? How could you enjoy the waiting, so you’re not telling yourself a
story about why he’s late or feeding the negative emotions that sometimes come up while waiting?
Perhaps you clearly identify occasions where it’s critical that he’s on time—such as meeting your
parents for dinner or leaving for the airport two and a half hours before the flight. Maybe your partner
would be open to setting a reminder alarm on his phone fifteen minutes before he needs to leave to
meet you. Identifying nonnegotiables and useful tools can help you meet in the middle, because asking
an in-time person to be on time all the time could require more prompting than either of you would
like.

Talking About Different Beliefs
Communicating about beliefs is fascinating, simply because someone else’s can be so different from
your own. Asking yourself, “What has to be going on in that person’s world for this to be true for
them?” is especially helpful when it comes to differences of opinion—or differences in beliefs.
As you now know, beliefs are mostly out of a person’s awareness and are stated as fact. Because
these ideas shape the person’s view of the world, they are often dearly held—and can become a
source of conflict.
Recently, I had a difference of opinion with a family member, and they were being pretty aggressive
with their viewpoint, so I said, “And it could be something else. I’m just curious to know if you ever
considered these possibilities.” What I said might have, but didn’t, make things better.
As things got hotter and hotter, I finally said, “You know, I bet you feel like I’m attacking you, and I’m
getting the feeling you’re attacking me. I don’t want to attack you and I bet you don’t want to attack
me. I think we’re reacting, not from our hearts now, but from our fears. Could we restart this
conversation and get on the same side and just share what we feel and what we think?”
And he responded with “Oh yeah, sure, you’re right. This is getting to be too much of a pain in the
neck.” He was really relieved when I suggested this, and it paid off for both of us. (In Chapter 8,
you’ll learn more ways to manage conflict.)
As a reminder, the first two rules of the road are critical when there’s friction: don’t interrupt, and
don’t contradict. I confess that, in the past, when I felt criticized, I’d contradict or get defensive. I felt
compelled to stand up for myself—or to immediately give the other person solutions for their
problem. I learned the hard way that having all the answers may earn someone a gold star in grade
school, but in adult conversation, it’s not appreciated.
What is appreciated most often is to let the other person vent. Until they’ve completely vented, they
don’t want you to talk. Once they seem to wind down, say, “Tell me more.” That’s the magic phrase.
In my personal and professional life, when I say either “Can you say more about that?” or “Tell me
more,” the person I’m talking with is usually responsive. Phrasing my requests this way brings me a
lot more information, allows the person to settle down inside themselves, and sometimes reveals
what it is they’re thinking or what it is they’re wrestling with. To really understand what’s going on
with the other person, continue to invite the other person to tell you more until they feel completely
heard.

A New View:
How the Process of Reframing Expands Possibilities
When you’re talking with someone who is experiencing some kind of difficulty, you can hear it in

their language and use a beautiful strategy called “Reframing.” Simply put, reframing is looking at a
statement someone has made—then finding a more positive way to say it.
For example, if someone says, “I just can’t get out of my own way today,” you could say, “Oh, you
can’t get out of your own way today? What would it be like if you could?” Then their attention diverts
to if they could, because questions are a very effective way of directing someone’s thinking
(including yours).
Have they tripped themselves up physically? Are they dropping papers all over the floor? Is their
mind hard to focus? Have they said things they wish they hadn’t? There are so many missing details.
As you may recall from Chapter 6’s discussion of the Meta Model, this is a place where you want to
get more information.
Imagine that you do get some additional information and the person says, “Well, I just feel kind of
down today. I don’t feel like anything I do is going to work out well.”
Then I might say something like, “Wow. When I have a feeling like that, I’m just wondering if there’s
something in there I should listen to.” Now I’ve reframed it from just a down, defeated feeling to “Oh,
maybe there’s an interesting hint or an intuition in there. I should search for it,” rather than to just say,
“There, there—just ignore that. Just try to forget about it.”
It’s important to really listen and consider what somebody says. If they said, “I’m so sick of driving
this beat-up old car,” I might say, “I know—and I think you were really smart to keep driving that car
instead of putting money into a new one while you’re going to school.”
There are ways of shifting what the person says—by changing the context or meaning they’ve made—
so there’s a new possibility that makes sense. Either way, what you want to do is just offer a different
perspective on what they said—because we need to loosen things up a little.
I recommend being modest in your ambitions with these shifts. Expecting people to turn on a dime
isn’t really reasonable or practical. If you can just loosen things up a little when someone has a stiff
set of beliefs—or if the beliefs are in their way or are an obstacle between the two of you—you’re
offering them more choices.
Sometimes just asking a question creates a desired change. Perhaps you can help people to loosen up
a bad mood by inviting them to consider how they’d feel if they were in a better mood—by asking
them what might need to take place for them to be in a better mood—or by inquiring what sort of shift
in their thinking would result in a better mood.
Okay, so what has all of this got to do with persuading people?
When you make people feel better by genuinely getting in harmony with them and attending to their
feelings—so it’s about them and not you—guess what happens? They feel more comfortable with you,
which makes them more receptive to you and what you have to say. According to Robert Cialdini, the
author of Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, these individuals will want to return the favor at
some point simply because humans have an instinct for reciprocity.

So imagine that someone said, “I can’t ‘X.’ ” To reframe their statement for them, you could say, “Oh,
so you want to ‘X.’ ”
This may seem contrary, but here’s why it’s so effective. If they said, “I can’t ‘X,’ ” they must want to
“X” or they wouldn’t be complaining about not being able to, right? By saying, “Oh, so you want to
‘X,’ ” you’ve agreed with them that they want to: you demonstrated understanding them. At the very
same time, you’ve also moved their brain’s focus from something that was impossible to something
they want.
Let me share an example of a simple reframe that my friend Tom Dotz did with an acquaintance at his
favorite restaurant. While he was waiting for his friend, the hostess came over to say hello. When he
asked her how things were going for her, she let out a big sigh and said, “Well, I just turned twentynine and I really don’t know what I want to do with my life.”
Because she sounded a bit depressed, Tom was hoping to help her shift to a more positive feeling, so
he asked her, “Well, if you did know what you really wanted, what would that be?”
Without missing a beat, she said, “I’d go to the Parsons School of Design and get my art degree.” This
desire seemed so clear to Tom that he was puzzled and asked, “Well, what stops you?”
She said, “It would take five years and I’ve be thirty-four.”
At that point, her expression was bordering on despair so Tom said, “So let me get this straight. You
really want to go to art school, but you’re twenty-nine now, and you’d be thirty-four when you
finished, right?”
“Yes” was the quick reply.
Then he said, “So what’s really true is that in five years you’ll be thirty-four. Your choice is simply
that you’ll either be thirty-four with your art degree, or you’ll be thirty-four without it.”
A look of astonishment came over her face just as Tom’s friend arrived at the table. At this point, his
conversation with the hostess was interrupted and she excused herself. Tom told me that he never
thought much about this brief exchange until a few months later, when he went back to the restaurant.
As soon as the hostess saw Tom, her face lit up and she rushed over to him. Before he could even say
hello, she smiled and said, “You changed my life!”
Because this looked like good news to Tom, he asked, “How so?” At this point she described the
brief conversation they’d had and proudly said, “Thanks to you, I applied to Parsons. I’ve been
accepted, and I start school this fall! I’ve only got three more weeks here and I’ll be moving back
east.” Then she gave Tom a big hug and led him and his friend to their table.
It was just a quick chat, right? How could it have such a powerful impact as to change a person’s life?
Here’s how: when you make this tiny shift in someone’s attention, it engages a whole different part of
that person’s brain. They move from being stuck to actually considering other possibilities. And to
help them along, as you notice them beginning (within five or ten seconds) to consider possibilities,

you could say, “I know you can’t but I’m curious, what would it be like if you could?” Then “That
sounds great. What would be necessary? Would it take more planning or more time, or do you need
more connections or money? What do you think? What would it take?”
As you know from earlier chapters, questions like “What would you like instead?” or “What’s
important to you about that?” also open people’s minds—and open the door to other possibilities.
As someone starts thinking, more and more of the brain is engaged—their blood chemistry changes
and their mood changes. Even if you just stopped after the first reframe and didn’t continue to explore
possibilities, you will have left somebody in a more positive, hopeful, optimistic state of mind—
when before they were negative, turned off, and limiting themselves.
Here’s why even a small reframe can make a big difference: When somebody’s angry or frustrated,
they cannot be curious. People can’t have those two emotions at the same time—and curiosity is the
natural course of creativity—not anger and frustration. You have a lot more neurons available when
you’re curious about something.

Super-Glue Removal:
How to Loosen and “Unstick” Beliefs
Even though curiosity is a powerful tool for “unsticking” yourself or someone else, a firmly held
belief can be even more powerful. Some beliefs have a really strong grip. So if I were going to help
someone with a difficulty, the first thing I’d do is unpack the belief itself. How is the belief
expressed? In other words, what is the reality that this person sees or hears or feels?
Is it a voice in their head, or an image, or a feeling—perhaps one they “just can’t shake”? For
instance, when it’s an image, I’ve found that when they can really look at the image associated with
the belief, it’s turned out to be a bogus mental movie that just loops around and around, playing over
and over. It has an impact simply because it’s stuck in the unconscious. Since it’s usually
unconscious, the client is usually only aware of the feelings the mental movie “loop” causes. And then
those negative feelings tend to get associated with whatever happens to be going on in his present
experience.

Their World: Understanding Someone’s Belief
Let’s explore an example of how this unpacking process might unfold. A person can say, “I have low
self-confidence,” but I don’t know what that means to them. I can’t duplicate their experience in my
brain based on that statement. Could you? Probably not. Then I might say, “Okay, I get that you have
low self-confidence. Can you tell me a little more about how you experience that?” My ambition at
this point is to get enough information, and specific enough information, so I can re-create that

experience and that feeling myself.
Then I try on what they tell me, and see what that’s like. For example, it might be an inner dialogue
that sounds like this: “Okay, so if I hear the voice of my college teacher, my mom, or whoever it was,
telling me I’ll never amount to anything, and I hear it coming from behind and above my head, and I
hear it just as I’m about to step out onstage, yeah, that would probably bug the hell out of me. That
would definitely limit me.”
So now I can say to that person, “Okay, I can understand that. I can re-create that experience for
myself, using my body and my own senses as an instrument. Now I can understand and appreciate
how you must feel.”
The key is to realize that people give us very high-level condensed reports on their inner process
because they don’t know what their inner process is. But when we help them slow the process down,
they can give some key details and we can ask enough questions to understand how they create this
internal experience for themselves. Then we do two things.
First, we try to replicate that process in ourselves. We try it on and continue to gather information
until we can re-create their experience. Second, we look for the positive intention behind this
experience, because nobody has an inner enemy. People have a lot of habits that in the present are
completely unwelcome and inappropriate, yet when you find the part that is maintaining that pattern,
you’ll find a positive intention.

Two Cases in Point: Exploring, Finding, and Shifting a Belief
I had a thirty-four-year-old client who didn’t want to talk in public. Because he was a teacher, he had
to. Fortunately, he managed to find himself a niche where he could do almost all of his work in
writing and when he was in class, he basically read from his notes. He didn’t really give a
presentation at all.
In talking with him, I found out that he’d once, as a little kid, given a presentation at his church.
Afterward, although he thought he’d done well, he discovered that his mother was very embarrassed
for him. Now, I don’t know how he really did (probably nobody knows), but he initially thought he
did well. People applauded after his presentation, but his mother was embarrassed because he
mispronounced or forgot something—and she made a point of bringing this to his attention.
Even though his mother’s intention was probably to help him do better on his next presentation, the
shock of her embarrassment went into his experience—and part of his brain said, “Boy, I’m never
going to do this again.” So for decades he carried this inhibition about talking out loud in front of a
group.
As he and I worked together, we found that piece of inner dialogue and came to understand that its
positive intention was to keep him from disappointing his mother. His mother had been present at all
of his graduations, had been applauding him when he got his doctorate degree, and was now living in

a house that he’d purchased for her from his earnings as a college professor.
Although his adult mind knew that she was proud of him, this other part had still been operating. Once
he could understand that this childhood belief was just linked to trying to protect him as a little boy—
a protection he no longer needed—it went away and so did the inhibition. From that point on, he was
able to make an effective presentation, not just read his notes and avoid the audience.
In contrast, I worked with a thirty-eight-year-old attorney who had stage fright about having to talk in
front of a board of directors. It turns out what inhibited him was not a voice, but an image. In our
discussions, we explored the last time he made an important group presentation. The way he had this
filed in his mind was as a picture of him in the well of one of those Victorian-era operating rooms. He
was at the bottom, and the seats in the amphitheater around him were raised—so the audience was
looking down on him from twenty feet above.
He was down at the bottom and he was about three feet tall. And when he looked up at the seats
around him, there weren’t people in these seats. They were all like Easter Island figures—these
imposing stone statues of odd-shaped heads—and the eyes were all blank.
When I reproduced that image, I could tell him with sincerity and compassion that seeing this in my
mind’s eye made me feel very unsettled, too. When we examined this unconscious image, we were
able to identify the initial positive intention and update his self-image and the way he thinks and feels
about speaking to the board of directors or anyone with authority.
When we’re trying to help ourselves (or someone else) process differently, it’s a trap to think that
there’s a cut-and-dried fix for every condition. There’s not.
However, because so many of these conditions can be traced back to similar causes, you only need a
small set of tools to help make these shifts. We’re all just flavoring our memories and our
conversations and our conclusions from past experience. We’re generalizing them so that we can
operate on them in the future using those principles that we define for ourselves. “That’s the way the
world is, or that’s how the world’s always going to treat me.”
In an attempt to automate that behavior—like we automate tying our shoes—we make assumptions
that can sometimes be limiting to us. So it’s always wise to say, “Tell me more,” rather than focus on
a technique or solution. You’ll discover that your voracious curiosity for understanding how another
human being works is such a gift.
Understanding is always about someone’s process. Because it’s easy to be seduced by words and
content, we might sincerely relate to someone’s experience and be excited to move directly to a
solution. Replicating another person’s process in sensory terms is always the key to really getting
their reality.
Because you now understand how your own mind works, you’ll remember as they tell you about their
process that it, too, can be broken down into feelings, sounds, pictures, tastes, and smells. So when a
person gives a really general complaint, like “Well, you know, I don’t get this job, I can’t do it,” you

recognize that this is way too limited; you can’t do anything with it.
After all, when people generalize about their limits, they’ve taken themselves out of human
experience. What you want to do is take a person to the last time they actually felt the feelings they’re
describing to you, so they can feel it again. At this point, they can tell you what’s going on. They can’t
tell you at the outset, so you have to guide them back there.
“When was a time this happened for you?”
“Oh, it happened to me last week.”
“Oh? Tell me about it.” Then you watch and listen. You hear the words, you hear how they’re chosen,
and you hear the assumptions in their language. You do this because you’re trying to become them—to
understand how they create this feeling themselves.
My experience of unpacking beliefs and exploring difficulties is that the first, second, and third steps
usually involve getting a complaint that’s expressed in high-level terms like “I’m detached. I’m
uninvolved.” You’ll get these abstract conclusions that you must pare down into specific pictures,
sounds, and feelings that you can reproduce in your own mind and body. Once you can do that, you
have the information you need to help yourself—or someone else—make a positive shift.

It’s Kind of Like That:
How Metaphors and Stories Support Shifts
Metaphor is another powerful and fun way to help people shift or change their attitudes and attention.
It’s no accident that we’ve been telling each other stories since the days that tribes sat around
campfires. They’d stare into the flames and tell each other what happened on the hunt, what happened
with the baby back at home while you were out on the hunt, and what so-and-so said or did.
If you think about it, there are thousands and thousands of stories in your life—family stories, work
stories, community stories, world stories. Let’s take a simple story like Jack and the Beanstalk. Jack’s
mom tells him to go sell the cow because they need money, they need to get firewood, and he gets
talked into trading the cow for three magic beans.
So she spanks him with a wooden spoon and puts him to bed without supper, and she’s brokenhearted
because she lost the cow and this idiot boy came back with beans. She throws them out the window—
and the next morning there’s a huge beanstalk.
Jack, who’s not going to be real welcome at the breakfast table anyway, gets curious so he climbs the
beanstalk. He climbs it and climbs it, and gets up above the clouds, and he’s in this magical realm
where everything is much larger than it is down where he lives. The chairs are bigger and
everything’s bigger—and, of course, this is a place that’s lived in by a giant.
The harp, who is the giant’s captive, tells him where the giant keeps his gold and then helps Jack

escape. So, as they go back down the beanstalk, they’re being chased by the giant, who’s roaring that
he’s going to kill them, and then Jack chops down the beanstalk and the giant falls and is destroyed.
When hearing this, did you at any time think you were the giant? Probably not. You took on the identity
of Jack. You went and got conned out of your mom’s cow for the beans. You came back home and you
went to bed without supper, and the next morning you climbed the beanstalk.
Here’s why that happens. The human brain usually identifies with the hero. Each of us is the star of
our own lives, right? We all know that. This is more than just a platitude. This is an operating
psychological reality: We each live in the center of a world that’s created in our own minds. We’re
pulled out of that world sometimes—if we’re at the movies, watching TV, immersed in a book, or
sometimes if we’re with someone else—but generally, we’re in the center of a world of our own
making.
So why is this important now? The way we bridge the gap from one soul, from one mind to another,
from one heart to another, is with our senses and with the skills that we’ve talked about so far. We
reach out and touch one another. We look into each other’s eyes. We get into rapport. We share our
experiences with each other.
One of the nicest and most neutral ways to exchange information is to tell a story. Most stories are
interesting, right? However, if the story is told by a narcissist, then the story is all about “me, me,
me”—and that’s probably not going to be very interesting.
It can be a story that happened to you and yet it’s not all about you, you, you. It’s just about something
that happened. If you’re simply a normal mortal in the story, you can be astonished, surprised,
embarrassed, afraid, frustrated, and the other person will go right along with that because they’ll feel
the same way.
Stories can entertain, inform, educate, and unite people. You can use stories to help someone make a
shift. As you know, when we try to persuade someone, they often experience us as pushy—then they
push back. You, in turn, might want to try harder. This pushing can become a vicious cycle where
nobody can win. What you need to do is step back a little and maybe even zoom out to third position
to objectively check things out. But at some point, should you want to make a point, you can simply
tell a story.

Once Upon a Time: A Case in Point
With my grown daughter, I used to try to strongly suggest that she do certain things. After all, I’m a
generation older. I know how a lot of this stuff turns out, but that doesn’t get me anything because
(surprise, surprise) she wants to lead her own life. She’s not interested in letting me lead her life, or
letting me get a second shot at leading my own, and she’s right.
So what I’ve learned to do is listen and then—kind of as an afterthought—say, “Look, I don’t know if
this will work for you, but this worked for me once. It’s something you might think about, or not. It’s

up to you,” and I just leave it at that.
Sometimes a story about someone else’s challenge and success is even more effective than a story
about your own experience. If I had a relevant example, I could say, “You know, I had a client who
had a similar challenge in her work. She’s not you, and your situation is different, but this is what
happened . . .”
Then I’d tell her the story of this woman who was being hit on by her boss, or someone who’d gotten
credit for work she’d done stolen from her, or a guy whose customer had unreasonable expectations.
I’d tell her some story that related to the work situation that we were discussing.
Here’s the beautiful part about a story. My daughter could be saying in her mind or she could be
saying out loud to me, “Dad, I don’t need any help with this. I’ve got it. Thanks. I can deal with it. I’m
a grown woman,” all of which is true because she’s a superb woman. But even if she’s quietly
protesting, she’s going to hear the story anyway out of politeness. And as she hears the story, she’s
going to identify with that other client that I was talking about, and she’s going to experience what that
other client experienced. She’s going to experience a success. So in her mind, no matter what her
attitude, she will have tried that solution on.

A Book and Its Cover: How Appearance and
Environment Are Clues to Other Worlds
I won’t say that people are like an open book, because while some folks are easy to understand,
others remain a mystery. Often, though, the cover of the book will attract you and reflect something
about the quality of the read itself, and the same is true with people.
Here’s another example of how metaphor works in our lives. Let’s say that you’re out to dinner with
friends and you’re joined by somebody you don’t know, a friend of a friend. The person is introduced
to you as somebody that you might want to get better acquainted with, maybe because you could help
each other professionally, or because you want to learn a skill they have, or because you have
common interests and connections, or for some other reason he or she is somebody that you’d be
interested in knowing better.
Because each of us lives in metaphor, one of the first things you want to do is just to look at them. Our
whole lives are a metaphor for what we believe and how we live. We each tell ourselves a story
about our lives, and we dress according to that inner story. Our choice of clothes, hairstyle, jewelry,
shoes—everything reflects that story. Although we may sometimes feel like these choices are forced
on us, they aren’t. In a life where there are millions and millions and millions of free choices, people
are often astonished at how consistently those choices will reinforce their personal metaphors.

A Case in Point: Personal Appearance
I’ll give you an example. I like personal comfort. I’ve had many jobs where I was on my feet all day.
I’ve been in a lot of service occupations and I’ve been in management for about forty-five years now,
usually moving around. So I used to wear moccasins a lot. I’m casual, obviously. I don’t wear
starched white shirts and neckties. Now I wear Merrells, which are walking shoes that I can slip in
and out of easily. I wear Levi’s, khakis, or cargo pants, and I like wearing shirts that have two pockets
on the front. They’re handy for me. I’m a guy who’s had lots of different occupations that frequently
involved tools so I like to carry a lot of stuff with me.
So what does that make me? That makes me kind of an explorer, a person who likes to go on
adventures like safaris. I’ve got a little knife in my pocket with a little flashlight attached, I have a
cool pen that does different things, I have a tiny screwdriver that works on machines and my glasses.
You get the picture, right? I try to be ready for just about everything, like a Boy Scout. So you could
say a lot of things about me just from the way I’m dressed and the way I present myself—and these
observations would help you know how to approach me to make me feel comfortable and interesting,
right?
One of the ways to get to know another person is to ask about something they have in their office or
home, or about something they’re wearing, “That’s a really interesting necklace you’re wearing. I’m
fascinated by it. How did you come to choose that?” and then they’ll tell you. It was given as a gift or
they acquired it at a certain place, but what you’re really interested in is getting them to tell you what
they value about that possession. What they tell you is important about it will let you know a lot about
their values and who they are.

A Case in Point: A Personal Possession
As an example, I had a business associate, who was a fifty-something very buttoned-down attorney.
He was a very well placed, very skilled corporate attorney who was very well-off, and for decades
we were friends.
Over the years that he provided some legal assistance in my various businesses, I noticed that he
always used the same pen. It was sort of a fancy silver pen with some kind of crosshatching on it. I’d
never seen one quite like it before so I asked him about it once.
A big grin lit up his face and he went on to tell how this pen—not this particular pen, but one very
much like it—had been given to him by his wife when he passed the bar exam, and how he had had it
for years and years and years. It was manufactured by Cross and he loved it. But one day he lost it
and he didn’t want his wife to know, so he contacted Cross and tried to get another one. And because
they didn’t make it anymore and he couldn’t track down another one, he found someone to make him a
custom pen that looked exactly the same!
This story gave me a whole new impression of his love for his wife, his appreciation of her support,

and his consideration for her. It also let me know that little things were really important to this man.
Again, an innocent question opened up a whole world of someone else’s reality to me.
As you can see, playing with stories is fun. When you plan to tell a story, be sure the protagonist is
interesting. It’s probably you or someone you know. And by interesting I don’t mean somebody out of
a novel, I mean somebody just like you and me. Tell a story about someone who feels real and about
something that happened that would be interesting to you. Ideally, this story will contain one or two
key ideas you want to share with your listener.
That information could be “I knew somebody who was in the same jam that you’re in, and they came
out okay,” or “I know somebody who was in the same jam you’re in, and everything went a little
wacky for a while and they survived it anyway. It’s survivable,” or “I know somebody who had the
same opportunity as you did and passed it up, and here’s what that cost them,” or “I know someone
who had the same issue that you have, and here’s how they solved it.”
In examining my own experience and hearing about other people’s lives, I find that we’re okay until
we become really convinced of something, and then as soon as we do that, we shut off all the other
possibilities. That’s when we get into trouble. There are lots of ways that you can use a metaphor or a
story to soften your conversations with people and to loosen their grip on a conviction that’s limiting
them. Just telling a story is a lot less confronting than directly contradicting someone; it leaves them
freer to come to their own choices without having to feel they’ve “given in.”

Toxic Relationships:
How Difficult People Tax Your Personal Resources
You might be thinking, “Cool, I can easily do this kind of exploration and match the way someone
processes, or use reframing or metaphor to help a lot of people.” Yes, you can—and yet you’ll find
that making this energy investment will not pay off with everyone. So let’s talk a little bit about toxic
people.
In my view of the world, a toxic person is someone who’s basically kind of a pain in the neck. It may
be a bully, or a critic who makes himself feel good by putting you down, or putting other people
down. It may be a whiner, who isn’t really interested in any solution. They’d rather just complain,
because that’s enough for them. They may be a psychopath of one sort or another. They may be a taker,
having no real interest in you, other than what they can get from you. They could be a narcissist. Or
they could be someone who is basically just frozen in first position, almost exclusively self-centered.
Remember the first, second, and third perceptual positions? As we’ve discussed, first position is “I
know who I am. I’m me and you’re you and we’re different and I know what I feel.” That’s a very
authentic position; however, it can be infantile if that’s the only position a person has.
Second position is “Now I’m feeling for you. Now I’m thinking that if I were you, and what happened

to you happened to me, I’d feel pretty much like you do.” That’s the position where you get great
empathy and compassion for someone else.
The third position is a fact-finding position where you can evaluate. This position is sort of
disassociated because you’re not emotional about what you’re evaluating. You can be well meaning,
you can be kind, but you’re not really sucked into the emotions of the moment.
Many toxic people have no second position. They cannot empathize. They cannot feel what it’s like to
be somebody else. They’re not even interested in anybody else; that ability got pruned away when
they were little kids. As we discussed earlier, it’s necessary for sanity and health to be able to flicker
between all three positions appropriately, and that simply isn’t possible for most toxic people.
So what can you do about the toxic people who are in your life? If you want your life to be easier and
happier, it’s wisest and simplest to just remove them from your life wherever and whenever you can.
Frequently, people I’m coaching find themselves in a relationship with a toxic person and, for one
reason or another, they can’t end it. Maybe the toxic person is a relative, or an employer, or someone
whom they feel they have to put up with. In that case my advice is “Okay, but don’t expect to change
that person. The relationship with that person is always going to be a one-way exchange where they
ask and you give, so just know that.” Just being clear about your choice to tolerate them knowing they
won’t change will help free you from some of the bad effects of having them in your life.
On the other hand, if you’re the supervisor of a toxic employee, work with human resources to
improve performance, or move them out. As you well know if you have one toxic employee, they
affect the whole team and work environment, and not in any good way. They almost always drag the
whole team down to their level of behavior and frequently drive off the good ones. It’s important to
fix the situation quickly even if it costs you something to dislocate and replace the person. If the toxic
person is the boss, it’s probably worth finding another job, even in a bad economy.
When the toxic person is a family member, this is a challenge that requires good boundaries. That
means you have to understand and again accept that there are some people you cannot help or change.
They may not be able to change or they may not perceive a need to change. You can offer information.
You can sometimes shift their attention—but that’s it. People need to live their own lives—do their
own activities, make their own choices.
Communicating your boundaries can be done humanely and lovingly—and still get the job done. For
example, you can say, “Here’s the way the situation is for me. When you do this, it’s inconvenient for
me, so I don’t want you to do that anymore.” Or “When you do that, I have this inconvenience, so I
can’t do that with you anymore.” This way, you’re not condemning anyone, you’re only pointing out
what your limitation is—and why you can’t do it anymore.
The best boundaries are boundaries that aren’t defensive or offensive; they just exist.
There are people whom I’ve told, “I’m sorry, I just don’t have the time for that.”

In response, they sometimes said, “Isn’t this important to you?”
“Actually, no—it’s not. It’s important to you and I understand that, but with my responsibilities and
where I am in my life, I’m sorry but I can’t take the time for that.” When this happens, I will usually
recommend an alternative—a connection, a book, workshop, or website.
I’m older now and I’ve stopped beating my head against the brick wall of toxicity. Too many times,
my intentions were good, but I was trying to help people live their lives or I was actually trying to
live their lives for them.
As a result, my investments of personal energy didn’t work out well. I suffered, and sometimes the
most important folks in my life did, too. When it comes to toxic people, you have to set limits—
budget for how many of them will be in your life and how much of your time or other resources you’ll
spend with them, and do not have any expectation that you’ll get anything in return.

Connecting the Dots:
Linking Key Concepts and Skills to Opportunities
This chapter has been about connecting the dots—understanding how to build on things you’ve
noticed about someone’s inner world—so you can communicate even better with people you know—
and those you will meet.

Discovery Activity:
Applying Your Discoveries About Someone Else’s World
Here’s an activity that will help you apply your knowledge and observations to interactions with
someone you already know. In Chapter 6, you selected a person you’re close to and answered several
questions that invited you to peek into and explore that individual’s inner world. You identified the
way you think they relate to time, their preferred representational channel and meta-programming
patterns, and some beliefs you’ve heard them express.
Flip back to the notes you made in Chapter 6. For each of the answers you gave, list at least two
specific things you could do to “try on” their world, or enhance communication with them.
Then, as you interact with this person, use these potential steps, discreetly or overtly, and notice how
it changes your experience and the tenor of the interaction.
This activity will help you put what you learned from this chapter into practice. Consistently

challenging yourself every day to play with small changes in your language will deepen your
understanding and appreciation of its power. In Chapter 8, you’ll learn how to build on these skills to
more creatively collaborate and resolve conflicts.

Key Ideas
•

Moving someone from resisting to listening to considering depends more on what you get
them to tell you than the other way around.

•

Stepping back or “zooming out” gives someone psychological air and space to exhale when
they appear to be tense or feeling pushed.

•

Asking, “What has to be going on in that person’s world for this to be true for them?” is a
way to stand in someone else’s shoes and get a sense of their internal experience.

•

To speak someone else’s language, it’s helpful to adapt to and mirror their preferences,
their preferred representational channel and meta-programs, and their orientation to time.

•

Beliefs are mostly out of a person’s awareness and are stated as fact. Because these ideas
shape the person’s view of the world, they are often dearly held and can become a source
of conflict, or of close agreement and rapport.

•

When someone is stuck or seems like they’re struggling with a limiting belief, reframing is a
simple, subtle, and effective way to suggest a more positive perspective.

•

Unpacking a belief to understand how it’s expressed (pictures, sounds, etc.) and the
associated positive intention increases the possibility of loosening the belief so it can be
updated.

•

When asked a question, the human mind can’t help but create an answer. Asking questions
that open up possibilities engages more of the listener’s brain—which, in turn, changes
their blood chemistry and their mood.

•

Metaphors and stories are powerful and fun ways to shift someone’s attention and attitude.
Sharing anecdotes or tales often works well because the listener instinctively relates to the
protagonist and can’t help but try on the situation and the solution as they listen.

•

Because we all live our lives in metaphor, someone’s appearance, their toys, and their
environment (in addition to their language) provide a glimpse into their unique map of the
world.

•

Inner conflicts that have been reduced to a condensed report like “I’m really disconnected”
are too generalized and abstract to work with. Finding a specific (ideally recent)
experience can provide enough sensory information to “try on” the other person’s reality.

•

If we establish sufficient rapport, most people will respond well to us. They will accept our

efforts to mirror nonverbals, match predicates and meta-program language, as well as
loosen and reframe beliefs, which will generally make life more interesting and fun for both
of us.
•

Our efforts to help someone shift may not always be welcome or appreciated. Sometimes
this is because we may have misread the extent of our rapport (and the permission that
gives us) or we were inappropriately inserting ourselves.

•

Other times our efforts are unaccepted because some people are so self-focused they’re
kind of toxic. Reducing the amount of contact with such individuals or maintaining clear
boundaries can protect our energy and enable us to focus on what’s most important in our
worlds.

To enhance the skills you learned in this chapter, check out the recommended Bonus Activities at our
special “Essential Guide” website: http://eg.nlpco.com/7-4 or use the QR code with your phone.

Discoveries, Questions, Ideas, and Stuff You Want to Work On

CHAPTER EIGHT: CREATIVELY COLLABORATING AND RESOLVING CONFLICTS

How do we get from here to there?

Creativity is a lot like looking
at the world through a kaleidoscope.
You look at a set of elements,
the same ones everyone else sees,
but then reassemble those floating bits and
pieces into an enticing new possibility.
—Rosabeth Moss Kanter

In NLP, we think that choice is better than no choice. Curiosity and creativity are pathways to more
choice—they enable you to play with the different pieces of any situation and discover new
possibilities. In this chapter, you’ll learn how to build on the knowledge and skills you’ve learned so
far and apply them to opportunities for collaboration, innovation, and conflict resolution.

An Embarrassing Example
To set the framework for the exploration we’re about to make, here’s a story. This happened during a
year I was traveling a lot—I was in lots of hotel rooms, lots of restaurants, lots of airports—in lots of
different towns. And, because I was expecting to see something, I didn’t see what was right in front
of me.
After a while, when you’re moving around that much, you just expect certain things—like the paper
towel dispensers in the men’s restroom—to work in a particular way. In public restrooms, there are
these black plastic contraptions on the wall by the sink, right? Some have little seeing eyes and when
you wave your hands in front of them in just the right way, they burp out a stingy little towel. Other
times, there’s a button on the front or on the side—and that’s really messy because everyone with wet
hands has to press the same button.
Anyway, I was at the sink with wet hands in this men’s room. When I waved my hands and nothing
happened, I waved them again, closer. Nothing! Then I waved them under the place where the towels
come out. Still nothing. So I waved my hands right in front of the thing. Again, nothing! I’m thinking,
“Is this damn thing blind?”

Then I saw a little silver round thing on the side. Thinking it was a button, I pushed it. It was a rivet.
Next, I pushed on a plate with the trademark and another thing that turned out to be another rivet.
Nothing.
Then, being a hotshot engineer and an experienced traveler, I looked at the slot where the towels
come out and wondered, “Can I just pull one out even if the machine’s busted?” I saw the edge of a
towel sticking out so I pulled it and it popped right out.
It worked just like a towel dispenser did in the good old days—turns out, that’s exactly what it was. It
was an old-fashioned dispenser that looked like one of the new ones—no buttons, no seeing eye, just
a slot where you reach up and pull out a paper towel.
What really struck me is that the simplest thing was the last thing that occurred to me, not the first.
Because I was on autopilot, I was expecting something and I didn’t see what I might have been able
to see if I had just tried the simplest thing first, or if I’d just been curious.
After this experience, I found myself wondering, “How often am I on autopilot? How often do I
assume that I know how something, or someone, works? How often do I assume that I know what I’m
doing or what the right way is?” A lot, it turns out. With this awareness, I began looking at my
behaviors, as well as how other people were communicating and acting. I set my filters to notice
unspecified expectations and challenges, and be curious about what I observed.
I found no shortage of examples! But rather than tell you about all the bumps and bruises I witnessed,
I’d like to share a contrasting example.

Moving in the Same Direction: Effective Collaboration Using the Well-Formed
Outcome Model
An NLP classmate of mine was a senior manager at Hewlett-Packard when we learned how to create
Well-Formed Outcomes. At that time, he was leading a $500 million business unit and often
fantasized about how much more his team could accomplish if everyone were really on the same
page. He said that sometimes he felt that work was like white-water rafting. He explained that
because they weren’t paddling together, the trip had unnecessary lulls, dangerous vertical drops, and
difficult points of navigation. And, he said, they were missing a lot of the camaraderie and fun of
mastering the big water.
Even though his people were knowledgeable and motivated, he was often surprised by how folks
were out of sync when it came to the vision for a project, product, division, or even the whole
company. They didn’t always see the big picture. And from his vantage point in the organization, he
didn’t always see or understand the challenges that inhibited progress toward specific goals.
By using the Well-Formed Outcome questions with his direct reports (and theirs), he was able to
make the elements of and obstacles to success more visible. In the context of a specific opportunity at

Hewlett-Packard, he and his team answered:
•

What specifically do we want?

•

How will we know when we’ve achieved that—and when we achieve this, what else will
improve?

•

Under what circumstances, where, when, and with whom, do we want to have this result?

•

What stops us from having our desired outcome already?

•

What resources (our existing ones and perhaps additional ones) do we need to help us
create what we want?

•

How are we going to get there—and what’s the first step to begin to achieve this result?

The process of exploring the opportunity together helped him foster honest communication about
objectives and issues; clarify key initiatives, philosophy, and company goals; encourage creativity;
reward collaboration; and come up with useful solutions.
Because employees were reenergized and results were outstanding, he and his team got noticed. Other
managers called to find out what he was doing differently. In a very short time, many HP managers
throughout the United States adopted this model. Whenever they started a new initiative or found
themselves face-to-face with a challenge, they applied the Well-Formed Outcome questions. Not only
did this model provide them with a productive track to run on, it also helped to create a common
language of leadership within the company—even internationally!
As you know from Chapter 2, the Well-Formed Outcome model works well when you use it on your
own issues—and it works well in team or group situations. In fact, it beautifully illustrates Henry
Ford’s philosophy that “if everyone is moving forward together, then success takes care of itself.”

Creativity: How Imagination Expands Possibilities
The Well-Formed Outcome model invites you and others to be creative, doesn’t it? It requires you to
envision what you want, anticipate issues, communicate with others, and reach a shared solution. This
kind of creativity multiplies your options.
There’s that word—creativity. I’ve noticed that some of my clients associate creativity with
unpleasant school experiences. If that’s true for you, you might be thinking, “No, wait, I’m not
creative. I can’t draw. I can’t perform. I’m not the funniest person in the room.” Fortunately, those old
yardsticks are gone. As an adult, if you’re not an artist by trade, creativity is usually about using
imagination, just playing with different elements and possibilities.

A CASE IN POINT: UNTAPPED CREATIVITY
Let’s revisit the towel dispenser situation for a minute. Just picture me standing there with my wet
hands—waving my hands and waving my hands and waving my hands. But, as you know, that didn’t
work to turn on this particular machine. There I was talking to myself, “Well, it must be a button,”
which led me to push everything on the machine that looked like it might be a button. But just by
pulling on the towel that was sticking out, I got what I wanted. It was the easiest thing in the world,
right? But not for me—because I had assumed I knew what I was doing. I had assumed I knew the
nature of this thing.
Even though this experience was enlightening, it was also kind of embarrassing. After all, I’m a
trained engineer. I’m fairly creative. I’ve got patents on some complex, innovative, and in-demand
products. But because I was not in the lab or my writing studio, I wasn’t telling myself, “Oh, turn on
the creative, Tom.” This was different. Because I was in a men’s restroom and I wasn’t really thinking
much at all. In fact, I was barely present—let alone bringing all of myself to the task.

FREEING UP INNER RESOURCES
So part of being creative is reminding yourself of all the things that you are, all the resources you
have, and all the possibilities that you have. As you know, inner work comes first. When you want to
access your creativity, use the same process of calming yourself that you would if you were preparing
to enter a room of strangers, participate in a negotiation, or facilitate a conflict resolution between
family members or colleagues. Loosening yourself up and dropping your filters will help you get into
a more creative state of mind.
The next thing to do when you decide you want or need to be creative is to get yourself unstuck. To do
this, start by realizing that whatever issue you’re considering, it is not part of you. It’s not you; it’s
not even about you. It’s out there somewhere. So place it out there. By using disassociation to
separate yourself from it, you can easily see it at a slight distance. Now you can turn it sideways,
upside down, add things to it, pull things apart, and see it in different colors. You can start to play
with the issue, whatever it is.
To get your creative juices and confidence flowing, it’s also useful to recall other times you were
creative, times when you found effective solutions to a challenge. If accessing such memories is
difficult, think of situations when you’ve been part of a creative team and how the powerful synergy
of working together helped you find innovative answers.

Expert Advice: The Disney Creativity Strategy
In a moment, I’ll share one approach that was identified by NLP leader Robert Dilts. In his book

Strategies of Genius, he explored the unique creative processes of different geniuses. Using the
principles of NLP modeling, he was successful at getting inside their heads and finding out what
really goes on with them. What are they saying to themselves? What are they thinking? What are they
seeing?
Robert got so good at this, he not only did it with people that he knew or interviewed, but he did it
with creative legends in history. In his three-book series, he modeled Einstein, Aristotle, Mozart,
Leonardo da Vinci, Jesus, Tesla, and Disney.
As you know, Walt Disney was one of the most creative people to live in the twentieth century.
Disney was a gifted film producer, director, screenwriter, animator, voice actor, and entrepreneur.
Not only did he create Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and Pluto, but he also animated the German fairy
tale “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” and brought us many other movies. In addition to making
films, in the 1950s he got into TV and created Disneyland—the first-ever theme park. Because of his
genius for entertaining, Disney was even selected as the head of pageantry for the 1960 Winter
Olympics. Today the Walt Disney Company has its own TV channel, musical artists, ice-skating
productions, cruise lines—and who knows what they’ll create next!
Several years ago, I had the privilege of spending several hours with the Disney Company’s number
three and four guys. I got to talk with Mike Vance, who designed Disney World in Florida, and then
Ken Carr, who designed nearby Epcot Center. They both shared a lot of stories about Walt Disney that
perfectly match up with Robert Dilts’s take on the man. It’s just another way of validating Disney’s
creativity process—which you’ll find amazing. So here it is.
Although Disney’s creativity was initially intuitive, over time he developed a process for tapping into
his special genius. When he was trying to conceive something new, he would assume three roles that
he isolated: the roles of the Dreamer, the Realist, and the Critic. The reason his system works so well
is this: he took on these roles one at a time. He kept the Realist and the Critic in their places until
he fulfilled the Dreamer role.

THE DREAMER
First, he became the Dreamer. He said he had a special chair in the room and the Dreamer would
appear and sit in that chair—and then the Dreamer would dream. The Dreamer would come up with
this crazy ride, let’s say Pirates of the Caribbean. While he was dreaming, he’d imagine everything he
wanted to be part of that experience.
The ride would go through the bayous. There’d be crawfish. There’d be banjos. There’d be snakes
and alligators and dim lights and pirates and “Ho, ho, ho!” and buried treasure and sabers and gold
coins and sand—all the things he wanted.
In this role, he would only make notes about everything he could think of that he wanted in that dream,
because that’s the Dreamer’s job. The Dreamer’s job is to dream. The Dreamer’s job is not to go,

“Yeah but . . .” So that was it, just the Dreamer.

THE REALIST
Then the Dreamer would leave the stage and in would come the Realist, who would sit in a different
chair. The Realist didn’t say, “Yeah but . . .” either. The realist would say, “Oh, I see—and I know
how you could make that happen. And we could use this over here. No, you probably can’t go to the
Caribbean and bring that over to Anaheim then stick that in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, but here
are some things we could do.”
“We could have recorded insect sounds, and we could actually have misters to raise the humidity
level. We could have heated air blasted in so if we enclosed the ride, we could actually make it feel
just like it was down in the tropics.” The Realist is the person who takes the concepts and makes them
real.
Now, of course, some limits would apply, right? For example, the Dreamer may dream up antigravity
and the Realist can’t do antigravity, but maybe the Realist can do a ride where it feels like the bottom
drops out from under you. So the Realist is the person who realizes the dream.

THE CRITIC
Then the Realist steps aside, and the next person who comes in is the Critic. Again, no “Yeah but . . .”
The Critic just says, “Hmm, that’s an interesting process. Let’s see, do we have liability insurance? Is
there any way that that moisture coming out of that humidifier would short the electrical circuits?”
The Critic considers ecological factors, things that might be a concern if the Dreamer and Realist got
what they envisioned.
So again there is no killer in this process—and there never needs to be. I’ve been in a lot of market
research and product development brainstorming sessions that turned into slingshot fights because
folks were just shooting each other down. That’s not creativity at all.
Creativity in Disney’s strategy is kind of loving, isn’t it? It’s all positive. It’s completely focused on
getting the biggest dream possible—which means the Dreamer can’t be afraid of anything. The
Dreamer needs to be fully supported.

Innovation:
How to Use the Disney Strategy with Groups
Even though the “Disney Strategy” was initially conceived and used by an individual, it later became
an essential part of how the company operates. Not only has this strategy been a critical factor that’s

enabled the Disney Company to hold its position as an entertainment innovator, but it’s also a
foundational piece of the award-winning leadership training offered at the Disney Institute. Today,
many individuals, teams, and companies use this approach to create new products and services,
improve existing ones, and solve problems.
If you’d like to use this strategy with a group to create something new or resolve a problem, here are
a few recommendations.

THE SETUP
At Disney, they facilitated this activity using three different rooms: one for the Dreamer step, one for
the Realist step, and one for the Critic step. If you don’t have adequate facilities to use separate
rooms, you could designate three distinct areas in a room—one for each role.

THE ROLES
Because each role in this strategy is critical, most companies choose to have all participants play all
three roles—while other organizations sometimes choose to break their participants into three teams
and have them assume a single role. Although this second method is manageable and takes less time,
having everyone moving sequentially through the different roles and associated mental states is much
preferred because it provides a more robust and collaborative experience—and produces even better
results.
Having an understanding of the different roles is essential to effectively playing each role and to
facilitating this strategy as a team activity. On the following page is an outline excerpted from
instructions created by Keith V. Trickey, who developed an in-depth outline for using the Disney
Strategy with groups. (If you’d like to review his complete step-by-step summary, go to the Bonus
Activities link at the end of this chapter.)

Role Guidelines for the Disney Strategy
The Dreamer: The one for whom all things are possible
The Approach: Want to do it
Questions to Consider:
• Why are you doing this? What is the purpose?
• What are the payoffs?
• How will you know you have them?
• Where do you want to be in the future?
• Who do you want to be or be like?

• What range of topics do you want to consider?
• What elements of those topics do you want to explore?
Physiology: Head and eyes looking up, posture symmetrical and relaxed

The Realist: The one who sorts things out
The Approach: How to do it
Questions to Consider:
• What will I be doing?
• How specifically will the idea be implemented?
• How will I know if the goal has been achieved?
• Who besides me is involved (time constraints)?
• When will each phase be implemented?
• When will the overall goal be completed?
• Where will each phase be carried out?
Physiology: Head and eyes looking straight ahead, posture symmetrical and centered

The Critic: The one who picks up the pieces that don’t fit
The Approach: Chance to enhance
Questions to Consider:
• How do all the elements fit together?
• What elements appear unbalanced?
• What parts do not fit with the overall objective of the project?
• What parts of the project are underdeveloped?
• How possible is this within the time frame?
• Why is each step necessary?
Physiology: Eyes down, head down and tilted, posture angular

Discovery Activity:
Applying the Disney Strategy to One of Your Opportunities
Let’s apply the Disney Strategy to your life. Think of a problem you’ve been trying to solve—or
something new you’ve been trying to create.
What’s the opportunity?

In a moment, you’ll have a chance to explore this opportunity from the point of view of the Dreamer,
the Realist, and the Critic. You can do this imagining all at once and make your notes after the whole
thing—or image it a step at a time and make your notes after each step.
Get comfortable and think of a time when it was easy for you to come up with new ideas—a time
when you were able to imagine things you wanted—a time when you were able to dream up lots of
possibilities.
Now perhaps in your mind’s eye, you see an empty chair and perhaps in a moment, the Dreamer will
appear. When it does, invite it to run wild with ideas about the opportunity you’ve identified.
Notice and remember what the Dreamer wanted . . .
Now think of a time when you were great at planning something—you were able to anticipate and
arrange everything—all kinds of details—a time when it was easy to take all the necessary steps to
accomplish what you wanted.
Now perhaps in your mind’s eye you see a different empty chair and perhaps in a moment, the Realist
will appear. When it does, invite it to consider the Dreamer’s fantasies and imagine how it would all
be possible—what steps you could take to make these things happen.
Notice and remember what the Realist recommended . . .
Now perhaps in your mind’s eye you see another empty chair and perhaps in a moment, the Critic will
appear. When it does, invite it to consider the Realist’s recommendations and identify what concerns
you have—and would need to be addressed before you could be fully satisfied with the
plans/solution. What additional questions do you have for the Dreamer or the Realist?
Notice and remember what questions or concerns the Critic raised . . .
For additional demonstrations and/or examples, go to http://eg.nlpco.com/8-1.
Creativity can be applied to any situation, right? So you could try this approach when you’re
imagining . . . a party you want to have . . . a new approach with your boss . . . a specific conversation
with your kids . . . how to invite someone on a date . . . whatever! There are countless situations
where you can use this three-chair process on your own. Just by assuming the roles of the Dreamer,
the Realist, and the Critic, in rotation, you can strengthen your creative muscles and expand your
choices.

Up Against the Wall: How the “Conflict Integration
Process” Supports Creative Problem Solving
Albert Einstein really nailed it when he said, “Problems cannot be solved by the same thinking that
created them.” Although most of us have heard this wisdom, we still get stuck in our patterns when

problems arise and then we feel like we’re up against a wall—unable to move. When we’re in
conflict—with ourselves, someone else, an idea, a process, technology, or even a machine—curiosity
and creativity are the keys to finding alternatives that make our experiences of being in the world
better.
When you think of conflict and creativity, you may see them as very different things. But a lot of what
we’ve talked about in terms of creativity applies to conflict, too—and here’s why. Remember what I
told you about that towel dispenser? I was on autopilot and assumed I knew how the damn thing
worked, but my expectation was wrong and my strategy didn’t work. I limited myself.
As I started thinking about conflict, I realized that when I’m interacting with somebody—if I walk in
with preconceived notions of who that person is and what they’re likely to think, do, or say—I limit
my options for connecting and dealing with them.

Loosening Up Positions
When there’s a conflict, it’s generally because people are locked into their positions. To make
communication possible, the first step is always to help folks get unlocked. We can help people
release their defensive posture by stepping back, taking a deep breath, and letting go of expectations.
Imagine that someone is wrestling with some sort of a problem. They’re stuck. When they’re stuck,
they’re actually feeling physically stuck, like they’re frozen in place. Our language actually frames it
that way, but it’s not really them that’s stuck, is it? It’s some kind of issue—something they have to
work through—something that’s getting larger and larger in their mind’s eye and probably taking over.
The trick here is to disassociate them from the issue by literally setting the issue aside and sometimes
physically putting the issue “over there” on a flip chart or whiteboard so we can look at it together.
That allows us both to be on the same side, facing the issue that’s “over there,” together.
Now how does that work when you’re dealing with people who are at each other’s throats? As a
senior executive, I’ve had this happen a number of times, so let me illustrate this process by
describing a specific situation—and then highlighting the critical action steps.

A Case in Point: Conflict Resolution
Normally, the office in my Silicon Valley manufacturing company was a pretty happy place, but not on
the morning in question. As soon as I arrived, first cup of coffee in hand, the receptionist looked a
little nervous and said, “Glenn and Susan are waiting for you in the conference room.”
I thought, “Oh, this isn’t going to be much fun.” These were two of my vice presidents and they were
always hassling each other—probably for reasons that stemmed from their different roles. Because
Susan was a marketing person, she wanted the company to be the hero for the customer every time—
and she was constantly trying to get the prices down and speed up delivery times. As the operations

guy, Glenn was always trying to perfect our processes and increase consistency, and as you might
imagine, he didn’t like exceptions or surprises.
They were waiting for me in the conference room—scowling and sitting across from each other. After
taking a deep breath and letting out a big sigh, I sat down where I could easily see both of them. Their
heads were down, pretending to be studying their papers.
I reached out and I put my hands down on their respective papers. Then I said, “Stop for a minute. I’m
here to help. Let me ask you a question.” They both looked up and I said to Susan, “Ladies first.
What’s up?”
She said, “Well, you want me to make these marketing goals, right? So, we’re out there making
promises to our customers, and every time I turn around, he stops me.”
I said, “Oh. Okay, so I get that you’re feeling pretty unhappy about that.”
She said, “Yeah, I’m feeling betrayed. I don’t know how we can succeed as long as he’s in charge.”
Now things are getting really hot, so I said, “Okay, Glenn, what’s the deal?”
He said, “Well, I’m the operations manager. I’m supposed to be the protector of the company, right?
That means overseeing production, that means cost control, and that means reasonable delivery times.
But Susan constantly comes in here with orders at the last minute. She goes right past my office, walks
right back to the shop foreman, and tells him to stick these in the line and get it done ahead of time—
and she doesn’t even charge for it. She’s going to bankrupt us.”
My attitude was “This is going to be fun!”
So I said, “Okay, I’ve got it. Let me ask you a question, Glenn. If Susan backed off and we handled
things exactly the way you want, what would be good about that? What would that do for the
company?”
He immediately started listing the benefits. “Well, we’d be on a firm economic basis. We’d be
profitable. Our people wouldn’t have to work overtime. We wouldn’t buy more than we needed
because I could stock exactly what was ordered. There wouldn’t be these damn rushes.”
So I said, “Okay, in spite of what there wouldn’t be, what would there be?”
He thought for a minute and said, “Well, we’d have increased profits, a better margin on our profits, a
lower inventory, more turns on the inventory, and less overtime.”
Then I said, “Okay. Susan, if those things were possible, would that be good for us?” and she said,
“Of course it would. I’m not arguing that. All of that would be good. The thing is, we won’t get the
sales that way.”
I said, “Okay, now I want to know if we did it entirely your way, did everything that you want—kept
every promise that our representatives made and that we encouraged them to make to get orders—
what would that do for the company?”

She said, “Well, we’d beat all the competitors. We’d be known as heroes. We’d not only have the best
product in the world, we’d also be getting into more places—so we’d have more testimonials. The
company would grow faster.”
So I said to Glenn, “Is there anything about what Susan said that you disagree with?” and he said,
“Well, of course there is. We can’t do it that way.”
I said, “Okay. I’m not talking about the way she wanted to go about it. I’m talking about her goals.
Was there anything wrong with her goals?” and he said, “No, we all want that. We’ve got the best
product. We want more users—and we want to be heroes—that’s what we all want.”
I said, “Okay, so you both agree that we want decent profit margins, that we want less overhead in
terms of overtime for the shop guys, that we want as much inventory as we need, but not a lot more,
and we want to be heroes to our customers. You’ve both agreed with that, right?”
They seemed to be sitting there thinking, “How’s he going to pull this rabbit out of the hat?” So
they’re smiling at each other and at me as they share this joke that somehow I just walked into the trap
and now it’s my problem to solve.
But instead I said, “Okay, here’s the deal. I’ve got some calls I have to make. Let’s do this. Let’s
spend a half day on this. While I make my calls, I’d like you guys to come around here on the same
side of the table and put your notepads over here facing that whiteboard.”
Once they were settled facing the whiteboard, I said, “Now take turns putting up on the whiteboard
three or four ways we might be able to do all of this. See what’s possible here. Just write as many
things as you can and I’ll be back in half an hour. Then, over lunch, we’ll look them over together.
We’ll solve this so that we get as much as we can of what each of you wants for the company because
I think you’re both right. We need to accomplish the objectives you’ve both identified for the
company.”
When I left, they were no longer arguing. They were comparing notes to find out what they could do
that wasn’t mutually exclusive—which got them on the same side of the table behaviorally, not just
physically. At first they were on the same side of the table against me, because they thought that I had
trapped myself and I was going to have to solve the problem. Yet the truth is that the crux of the issue
goes back to Einstein’s wisdom—you can’t solve a problem at the level of thinking that created it.
How does that translate into our behavior? The level of thinking that created this problem was that
Glenn was trying to protect his process, his inventory levels, and his responsibility for shop overtime.
Susan was trying to protect her personal goals and her departmental goals of increased sales, better
service, and enhanced reputation among our customers. Unfortunately, because each of them was
trying to accomplish their objectives at the expense of the other, it wasn’t going to happen.
I’ve seen this hundreds of times. The level at which the people were arguing was not going to have
any resolution at all. In companies, there’s often conflict between scorekeepers, like accountants and
operations people, who have to keep track of things, and the score makers, like the marketing and

sales staff.
Because of the kinds of personalities that it takes to succeed in these different areas, these groups
often have some unkind stereotypes of each other. Yet the truth is this—no business survives without
excellent talent and disciplines in both areas. You have to have growth and aggression, and you have
to have control. Every organization needs muscle and brains, and you need these inside yourself, too.

A Review Outline of the “Conflict Integration Process”
So here’s an interesting thing. This process that I used with Glenn and Susan is a classic “Conflict
Integration Process.” Let’s break it into pieces. I looked at the situation and saw that their horns were
locked. They were absolutely head-to-head with no give. There was no real interest in resolution, and
no possibility of one, because they were in complete and perfect balance in terms of their conflict.
Then I turned to one of them and said, “And if that worked out, if we did it your way, what would that
do that would be even better or more important? What would that do that would be good for us, for
the business?”
So Susan told me, “Well, if we do that then we’re going to get growth and we’re going to get a good
reputation and we’re going to get more sales and enthusiastic testimonials—all good stuff.”
Then I turned to Glenn and said, “And if we did it your way, what would that get us?”
He said, “We’d get higher profit margins and lower overtime costs and better inventory controls and a
smoother operation. All good stuff.”
By “chunking up” to find the goal-behind-the-goal (meta-outcome), I was able to get each of them then
to approve of the other person’s outcome. Remember how far apart Glenn and Susan were at the
beginning of the meeting? His initial goal was to beat Susan into submission and make her stop
handing in rush orders. Her original goal was to beat Glenn into submission and make his whole
process and procedure more flexible and responsive to her demands. Those initial outcomes were in
absolute opposition.
But when I asked Susan for the goal-behind-her-goal, she gave me a very positive outcome for the
company—and Glenn could understand that. When I asked Glenn for his goal-behind-the-goal, his
meta-outcomes were smoother operations, lower cost, better inventory control—and Susan could
appreciate these. What you do, by asking the right questions, is take the goals up to a level where
both, or all, people can agree. Typically, this approach produces objectives that anyone with their
head on straight would think were a good idea.
However, you can’t even begin to explore meta-outcomes until people get unlocked. Because when
people are in conflict, they’re stuck. They have a foxhole mentality that says, “This is the only way to
go. Everything else is idiotic.”
So, you might be wondering what happened after Susan and Glenn were left to come up with

solutions. When I came back from making my calls, they said, “We need a little more time. We’re not
ready for you yet”—which, of course, I was thrilled to hear.
Around eleven thirty I came back in and said, “How we doing?” and they said, “We still need a little
more time.” So I ordered lunch for us all. When the sandwiches arrived, I came back in and ate with
them and listened to their process as they had worked it through. What they came up with was a
strategy where we could actually make an even more extraordinary promise and charge for it.
Because we made offering such service extraordinary, what Glenn did was to hold out a certain part
of our process and resources so we could accommodate that. He was happy because there was a
strategy for it and we were being paid extra for it. Plus, offering this option made us really heroic to
our customers because they realized they could get extra service if they were willing to pay for it
(which is a reasonable and proven tradition). So they resolved it brilliantly and supported both sets
of objectives.
This conflict was between two experienced and passionate professionals, who even though they were
often at each other’s throats, had a deep respect for one another. This exact strategy of exploring and
agreeing upon meta-outcomes can work well when several people are involved—or when there’s just
one.

Discovery Activity:
Identifying One of Your Conflicts
To increase your understanding and mastery of these concepts, let’s apply them to your life. So, think
of a recent conflict or misunderstanding that you had with someone. It might have been about a
situation at work, dinner with a friend, or a family matter.
Take a moment now and go back to that point in time—thinking what you were thinking, noticing what
you were noticing. When you have access to those pictures, sounds, and feelings, answer the
questions below.
Who were you talking with?
What was the focus of the discussion?
What was your point of view? What did you want?
What would having or doing what you want get you that was even more important? (As a reminder,
this meta-outcome might be something that’s good for you, or for a specific relationship, or for your
team or family, or for your company.)

In retrospect, what feelings or point of view inhibited your ability to express the positive aspects of
your meta-outcome?
As you think about it now, consider if there have been other occasions when you’ve had these same
limiting feelings or thoughts. If so, identify at least two steps you could take in the future if similar
feelings and thoughts come up for you.
For additional demonstrations and/or examples, go to http://eg.nlpco.com/8-4.

Internal Battles: How to Apply the
“Conflict Integration Process” to Inner Conflicts
Most of the conflicts we have with other people contain some aspect of an inner conflict, don’t they?
But not all conflicts involve interacting with someone else. So, let’s say you have a conflict that’s just
with yourself—or you know somebody who has one. It often sounds like “On the one hand, I want to
do this—but on the other hand, I want to do this.”
Here’s one I really wrestled with: “On the one hand, I want to spend more time with my family
because time passes so quickly and the kids are growing up. On the other hand, I want to excel in my
career, which means I need to put in extra hours. So how do I move forward?”
This was my conflict, but for now, as I describe the Conflict Integration Process, imagine it was
yours. First, we’ll explore this process together using my example and then you’ll have an opportunity
to apply it to an inner conflict you want to resolve.
Start by focusing on one side—just like I took Susan’s issues first. I would start with the hand whose
objectives were mentioned first—in my case, that was spending more time with the family. So,
imagine you’re me. Where is this feeling or part in your body? Where does that feeling come from?
When you quiet down and go inside, you’ll have that feeling. Then you allow it to come up, and now
what you do is to invite it to travel down into your left hand. The reason for this is that you’re going to
talk to this feeling or part. In this situation, you don’t have a Glenn and Susan at a conference table;
you have two conflicting competing parts in your own psyche—and you need to get them separated so
that you can communicate with them individually.
First, I focus all my attention on the part that wants to spend time with the family, all that love and all
that yearning and all that enjoyment of the kids—very high-value stuff. Focus on that part now—gather
the associated feelings and allow these to flow across your collarbone and down your left shoulder
and down your arm and through your elbow and through your wrist and into your left hand, as if it
were actual stuff, as if it had some substance.
As the substance gathers in your left hand, you can imagine it has some sort of a weight and that the
weight actually takes form, a symbol of some sort, perhaps like an avatar, that communicates to you in

that moment what that need or drive might be. So you look down at it, whatever it is.
When I did this and looked down at my hand, the symbol I saw was one of the kids’ little teddy bears
with an ear half-torn. So I’ve got this little brown teddy bear in the palm of my left hand.
Look down at your left hand and then acknowledge this part. “Thanks very much for coming. I’m glad
you’re here.” This helps make the subconscious process more real.
Now you go back inside and you think about that other drive that was also very important—the one
that said, “I want to excel in my career and that means I need to put in extra hours to develop the skills
so I can really become all that I can become. I want to become better at this so I need to spend extra
time either with a senior mentor in the field, studying, or just trying out more things.”
So, for you, where’s this second “drive” in your body? As you feel it, allow that to move in the
opposite direction. You allow that to move up through your right shoulder and down your arm and
past your elbow and through your wrist and let it gather into the upturned palm of your right hand.
As it collects, and as it gathers weight, you take a look at that and you see something there. I don’t
know what it would be for you. What I saw was a briefcase, containing a laptop computer, that was
folded up and ready to go.
So, now we’ve got these two separate objects that remind us of these two different motivations—one
in each hand. Now we have them metaphorically and symbolically across the conference table from
each other, about where I walked into the room with Susan and Glenn.
Now I can turn to the little teddy bear in my left hand and I can say, “If I can spend as much time with
my family as you’d like and be with the kids, what would that do for me?” and it says, “Well, you’d
develop much stronger bonds in your family. Your kids would grow up to be better kids. They’d be
better behaved, more self-assured, and more independent. They’ll look to you for advice and
guidance instead of people they meet at school. Your wife will be happy. And you’ll be satisfied with
yourself as a man and a father.”
So, after you hear what the symbol in your left hand has to say, acknowledge that. “Okay, thank you
very much—that all sounds good to me.” Then I’m ready to go to the other side—which for me is
represented by the briefcase containing the laptop—and I say, “And if I could spend more time at
work developing my career, what will that do for me?”
That side says, “You’ll have more money. You’ll have more recognition. You’ll advance further in
your career, and eventually you’ll have more control over your time so you can take more vacations
with your family or do whatever you want to do.” Then I say, “Okay, thanks for sharing that—that
sounds pretty good, too.”
Next, we’ll ask the same thing I asked Glenn and Susan. This time, I say to the teddy bear, “Can you
understand the benefit to the family of my getting more recognition, more advancement, more money,
and more control over my time and my career by investing some time to develop it?” and it says,
“Sure.”

Then I say to the briefcase, “Can you see the benefit to me as a human being if I have this enrichment
of spending time with my kids and being the guy that I should be, and allowing my wife and I to be
there for them so we’ve formed the bonds that will serve us as they grow into the teenage years?”
The briefcase guy says, “Sure. I think about the future all the time.”
In the work situation, I left Susan and Glenn alone in that room to allow them to work through the
process on their own. Here what we would do is to allow these two objects in our hands to slowly
come together. Because they now approve of each other, they understand each other, we just allow
them to come together. And as they come together slowly, our hands meet and make a cup that contains
these two different representations, in this example the teddy bear and the briefcase. What happens
then? They blend, they mix, and they swirl.
As they do and we open our hands, there’s a third object there. I don’t know what that would be for
you, but there’s a third object there. When I look down, I see a tent at a campsite. That seems a little
weird. So I say, “This is something new. You guys have blended. What did you come up with?”
What the tent at the campsite says is “Invest time now while the kids are asleep—you’re still young,
you can do with less sleep—and invest some evening hours now, but not when they’re awake. You
have to run a little harder right now to spend time and be available to your kids so you’re not skipping
their important events or the couple of hours before bedtime. You’re working with them and then
you’re spending time on your own a little later in the evening to get ahead, so that as they get older
you’ll have this money and advancement and power, and you’ll be able to take family vacations with
them and be part of their lives.”
I think, “That’s really beautiful!” Listen to what your new blended part has to say, then bring those
cupped hands up and hold them against the center of your chest—and allow that new object to be
breathed back into your chest—then allow that to flow through your whole body.
That’s an integration. It’s not a resolution or a forced compromise. An integration means we move the
conflict up one level and we find out what’s important about each of those things. We don’t want to
lose anything. In NLP, we try not to remove or lose anything—we simply shift and add things.
What happens when you’re stuck inside and you want to resolve it? You need to do the same thing that
I did with Glenn and Susan in my office. It’s just you—so you need to find a way to separate those
two parts of yourself into the two parts that have been competing. Then allow them to look at each
other from a slight distance so they can appreciate what each part is trying to accomplish on behalf of
you, the you that owns them both and gave energy to them both. In this step, you can easily reach
agreement when you focus on the what, not the how.
Then, as they blend, it’s like what happened by the time I came back in the conference room with
Glenn and Susan and we had sandwiches together. By then they had blended and they were able to tell
me all the brilliant new ideas they had about offering the special accelerated delivery program at a
price that would not destroy the company process. Because they were both sincerely endorsing these
recommendations, I could tell they had really blended.

Discovery Activity:
Applying the “Conflict Integration Process” to One of Your Opportunities
Perhaps as you were reading this, you were reminded of an issue you are or have been wrestling
with. Because this is a delicate and deep process, do this in a private space where you won’t be
interrupted. Ready?
Think of an unresolved issue that’s important to you. Really step into the experience of being
conflicted, so you can see what you’re seeing, hear what you’re hearing, and feel what you’re feeling.
As the conflict presents itself to you, separate the different parts that have been competing.
Identify where one of the parts or feelings is in your body and invite it to flow through your body so it
can come out and present itself in your hand. When it does, thank it for being present. If that part were
an image, what would it look like?
Now notice where the other part or feeling is in your body and ask it to flow through your body so it
can come out and present itself in your other hand. When it appears, thank it for being present. If this
part were an image, what would it be?
Turn to the part that’s in your left hand and invite it to tell you what it wants. When it does, say,
“Thank you for telling me that.”
Next, look at the part that’s in your right hand and invite it to tell you what it wants. When it does, say,
“Thank you for telling me that.”
Next, ask one of the parts, “What would having what you want do that’s even more important?”
Then ask the other part the same question.
Now allow the parts to look at each other from a slight distance—so they can each appreciate what
the other is trying to accomplish on your behalf. (If you’ve learned each one’s meta-outcome, it should
be easy to reach agreement that they both want what the other part is trying to accomplish.) Thank
both parts for being willing to see the other’s intention.
Then, breathing deeply, slowly bring your hands together so the parts literally come together, too.
Allow the parts to mix and blend.
Open your hands and notice the new image that results from this merger. Thank this new part for being
there and being willing to operate on your behalf.
Then slowly bring the new image in your hands up to the center of your chest and allow the image to
enter your body and become fully integrated.

Take a deep breath and notice how different you feel.
For additional demonstrations and/or examples, go to http://eg.nlpco .com/8-7.
In NLP, we recognize that you don’t try to solve the problem at the level of the argument—because
you’re not going to get anywhere. Classic “Conflict Integration” requires that you bump things up a
notch—and maybe a notch after that—until you get to meta-outcomes that are easy to agree on. You
can do this within yourself—or you can help another person, who has a conflict they’re wrestling
with on their own.

The Importance of Meta-Outcomes in “Conflict Integration”
In the past, when companies hired me to help them deal with a conflict, they often wanted me to
“mediate it” as if I were some sort of judge. And I’d tell them, “Look, I’m not a judge. I don’t know
your business. Let’s do this. Let’s explore each side without arguing for your positions on the issue.
I’m sure those have already been well expressed—so forget that. Just tell me, if you won, what
would winning accomplish.” Then, managing the discussion to keep the focus away from complaints
and positions, the participants would come up with a list of compelling outcomes.
Sometimes, to reach a meta-outcome that everyone could agree on, I’d need to kick it up a notch and
say, “Okay, and if you were able to accomplish that, what about that would be of even greater benefit
to the company—or what would having that do for the company that’s even more important?” Then I’d
go over to the other side and say the same thing. Even when there are more than two sides, this
strategy works like magic.

How to Increase Communication During “Conflict Integration”
Suppose you find yourself in a situation where people have been at odds for so long that the “fight”
has become personal. They seem to hate each other and have damaged each other in different ways.
What are you going to do then?
The key is to loosen up the old stuff. One of these things I actually did with Susan at a different time,
much earlier in their relationship, because she and Glenn were frequently in conflict. One day when
they were really going at it hammer and tongs, I said to her, “I’m just curious, Susan. I’d like you to
answer this question. I want you to do some mind reading. If I were to ask Glenn what frustrates him
most about working with you, what do you think he’d say?”
She paused and said she didn’t want to do it—and I said, “Come on, just throw it out there. I don’t
think you’re in any doubt.”
She laughed and then she said, “Well, he’d say that I’m disorganized and I’m demanding—that I’m a
prima donna. He’d probably say I want it all my way and I have no discipline and I have no respect
for him.”

I said, “Okay, if that’s true, what would that make him want to do?”
And she kind of smiled, and by this time he’s smiling a little bit because he realizes she gets him, and
she says, “Well, he’d probably become a bit mulish and maybe a little unreasonable.”
To which he said, “Hey, I’m not unreasonable.” And now they’re at least talking.
Then I turned to him and asked him the same question. “If I were to ask Susan what frustrates her most
about working with you, what would she say?” and he started giving me a joking answer, but I held
his feet to the fire and said, “Come on, play fair. Do it right. You know the truth. We all know the truth
—so get it out there.”
So then he played it sincerely and told me what he thought she would say about him, that he’s
autocratic and dictatorial and rigid, doesn’t care much about reality, and just cares about his figures. I
said, “What would that make her do?” and he said, “Well, she’s a very strong-willed woman and
she’s really dedicated, so she’d just go around me.” Then he laughed and said, “Wow, that’s what she
does.”
At this point, because they each understand that they each appreciate the other person, tension has
started to release and things are lightening up. When you’re in a conflict situation—if people aren’t
emotionally ready to deal with the issue, if they’re so at war that now they really need to get blood on
the carpet—the best thing for you to do is to take a moment and dial things down.
By asking each person or team to tell what the other person’s or team’s complaint would be about
them, you get some real loosening up in the dialogue, and then you can get back to the issue.
To quickly summarize, the principles of this process are that you separate the people from the issues.
Because we are emotional beings, it often feels like a personal threat when we have a difference. It
doesn’t really matter what the difference is. If it’s “Oh, you forgot to dot that i,” that’s a personal
threat. Any criticism can be really risky territory—not only to give, but also to receive—because
we’re so wired to protect ourselves.
If you want to succeed in this business of communication, you have to set yourself aside except as a
mirror and receptor. You set your own fears aside because you realize they’re as automated as
anybody else’s. What we’re trying to do here is to work at a higher level—with ourselves and with
others.

Discovery Activity:
Examining Ways You Get Stuck or Make Things Harder
Because the only variable we can control in any situation is ourselves, let’s take the opportunity to

examine our own behavior. For a moment, go back to the conflict you explored earlier in this chapter
in the activity called Identifying One of Your Conflicts.
Now, rewind to the beginning of the conflict and do a little mind reading.
Say to yourself, “If I were to ask them what’s most challenging about interacting with me, what would
they say?”
What came up?
Say to yourself, “Okay, if that’s true—and if I were them, what would that make me want to do?”
Notice what came up—and what you learned from standing in their shoes. How does this new
awareness shift your feelings and what’s possible?

Different Strategies? What “Conflict Integration”
and Negotiation Have in Common
As you can see, differences of opinion and heated feelings are natural. So conflict resolution and
negotiation have been hot topics for as long as I can recall. Despite being an avid learner who’s been
in business for decades, I’ve probably lost more than I’ve won in negotiations. Even so, I’ve always
kept trying to learn—asking myself, “What was this? What happened here? Was there any part of the
process that made any sense at all? Are the good parts replicable? And what can I do differently next
time to avoid the not-so-good parts?”

An Overview: Negotiation
So, let’s talk about negotiation strategies because there are a lot of them out there. For many years
now, the win-win principle has been the basis of effective negotiation. Shortly after I was introduced
to this concept, I had to negotiate a sales deal with SmithKline Beecham. Although they’re now
affiliated with Glaxo, at the time they were a big player all on their own. I was meeting with their
head purchasing officer and he said, “This will be like the Harvard negotiation project,” and I
thought, “Oh great, win-win.” It wasn’t win-win. It just meant he’d try to be humane and I should try
not to be ornery.
So here’s what I know. In any negotiation, you’re going to end up somewhere in between what you
want and what the other person wants. Whether or not both parties are happy with that end result
doesn’t really have to do with whether they got everything they came for.
Interesting, isn’t it? If it’s a business negotiation, there are at least four parties at the table—no matter
how many players are physically present. Here are the parties. First, there are the interests of the
entities, the two companies. In this case, there was my company and there was the big pharmaceutical

company—and there were the purchasing guy and I. His company wanted more for less money; mine
wanted more money for less service. We were at complete odds. Where could we meet in between?
Negotiation is not “Conflict Integration.” A negotiation is a game and you need to appreciate that it’s
a game. Of course, to win a game, you have to understand the game and have skills. Although the
desired outcome is different, many of the principles of “Conflict Integration”—in addition to NLP
skills like anchoring, body language, mirroring of predicates and meta-programs, etc.—are quite
useful in negotiation, too.

Negotiation Tips
As you walk into the room, you want to stop and gather yourself. As with any interaction, you want to
bring your energy into a relaxed, calm, welcoming state before you go into the room because you’re
probably going to go into a room with a bunch of people. Maybe they’re “suits,” maybe they’re union
organizers, maybe they’re family members. It doesn’t matter who they are, but they’re people with an
agenda—and you have one, too.
Although you need to be really clear about your bottom line, your agenda and approach must be
flexible. Because you have no idea where the negotiation is going to go, you have to accept that you
cannot control the outcome. In fact, there may not be an outcome. You may decide that you have to
walk away and say, “Thanks, but no deal.” You need to own all the possible outcomes so you can be
comfortable when those options arise. That way, you’re never desperate—which is critical.
In any negotiation, there are four assets at play and on everyone’s minds: time, money, energy, and
emotion. The more time, the more energy, the more emotion, and the more money that are spent during
a negotiation, the more valuable that negotiation becomes, and this makes the outcome exponentially
more important.
If you understand that these aspects are playing a part in a negotiation game, then you realize that if
you’re not in a rush or in a hurry—you’ve already got one of the big variables on your side. If you can
take as much time as you want, the other side will feel squeezed by that.
Besides time, there are two other key elements you may be able to optimize. Number one is the
amount of information regarding the issue. Who has the most information about it? How can you
gather additional information? It’s always advantageous if you (or people working for you) have done
a lot of homework to accurately and thoroughly understand everything about the issue—the various
ways it could be worked out and the associated costs.
The other big element, and this is all perceptual, is who has the power. What’s that mean? What does
power mean? In this case, it means the power to make a decision—so who has the power in this
situation? The answer to that may flip back and forth—partly because they may not want you to know
who has the power, and partly because different players may be vying for power during the
negotiation.

Generally, the person who’s in position to win is the individual who has the most time, the most
information, and the most power or personal authority on their side of the table. The power to walk
away at any time is one of the greatest advantages you can have.
And even though you want to win, you’ll do better if you do everything you can to be a charming,
friendly, sincere, collaborative, and understanding communicator. You do best if you use all the same
skills with people you’ve just met and with people you love. This approach is more humane and it’s
easier on you.
By the same token, you should understand that in a negotiation, your beginning position is one of no
compromise. Ultimately there will be some accommodation. You want to have room to make
concessions. So start with your end in mind and leave yourself sufficient flexibility. You may be
presented with a variety of ways to get where you want to go, and won’t have to give up much of
what’s really important to you.
I don’t like playing hardball and I try not to do it. But when negotiations get tough, I’ve been known to
say, “Let’s do this: Imagine there’s a hand grenade on the table. I’m going to pull the pin—then I’m
going to put your hand on it to hold it down and I’m going to put my hand over yours. Now we’re
going to negotiate until we’re both satisfied with the outcome—or until we get tired enough to let go
of the hand grenade and it blows us both up.”
People have laughed about that, but they got that I was completely committed—that I would spend as
much time as was needed to make a deal. I wasn’t desperate; I was just willing. The thing is, the more
willing you are, the more it shows that you have control of time.

Additional Benefits of Using Meta-Outcomes in Negotiation
As you might imagine, meta-outcomes, which are the vital parts of the “Conflict Integration,” can also
be very useful in negotiation. Although these principles could apply to a negotiation with a teenager
about using the family car on a weekend, let’s use a business example where there are two or three
things on the table.
Maybe we’re talking about speed of delivery versus pricing, versus bundling other products if they
buy enough quantity. So they’ll make a demand and I’m looking at that, and what I’d say before I give
anything away, before I say yes to anything at all—in fact, I usually don’t say yes to anything until I
see the complete deal—what I would do is to say, “And if we did that, how would that benefit your
company?”
Why am I asking? Because I want to hear them talk some more and I want to see their body language.
And if there’s more than one person representing their company’s interests, I want to watch whether
they look at each other or whether somebody is surprised by what the other person says. But even
more important than all of that, I want to know what their meta-outcomes are.
Meta-outcomes aren’t simple things—discovering them requires that you listen carefully and ask

relevant follow-up questions. If, in response to my question about how that would benefit their
company, they said, “Well, if we get a lower price, that’s important because we have this internal
policy that we can’t spend more than this without getting some sort of special committee approval,
which would slow down the rate at which we can buy your products,” I’d have learned something,
right? But I still need to know more. So I’d say, “And if you get the fast delivery, what’s important to
you about that? How does that work?”
And they tell me, “That means we can order it later in our process and still get it into our project,” so
now I know one of them is just a convenience factor, ordering later. The other one is a bureaucracy
factor. If I can get them a slightly lower price and maybe a longer delivery, that will work for me.
Because I’ve found what their meta-outcomes are, that’s something I know and they don’t. I’ve found
out why they’re demanding certain things. And even though it may sometimes feel like they’re putting
me over a barrel, they’re demanding things for a specific reason. Everybody always does. It’s a game
with a lot of unknown variables at play and at stake. Part of your job is to uncover those elements.
One of the NLP negotiation courses I took was taught by a great guy, an attorney with quite a sense of
humor. He went up to the blackboard and he said, “Negotiation is win-win.” Then he wrote a quote
mark and I thought, “Oh, this will be interesting.” Then on the board he wrote “win-win” so it looked
like this: “WIN-win.”
He said, “Negotiation is a game and the goal is to win the game. It’s fine to call the other person a
partner in the negotiation because they are your partner in a game, but they’re also an adversary in
terms of the negotiation.” When you can be realistic about this fact, you can still be very humane and
fair-minded. And when you can keep this is mind, you’ll remember that you’re not trying to get
everything they’ve got and that you must never humiliate them, make them feel bad about themselves,
or rob them of face.
I got a great piece of advice from a mentor of mine who was the chairman of my company. He always
said to me, “Put it the other way around. Walk in their moccasins.” Because I was always so focused
and intense when we worked together, I needed him to remind me to put it the other way around, to
look at it from the other person’s point of view.
So many of the skills in NLP are about that, aren’t they? They’re about looking at it from the other
person’s point of view. Now it doesn’t mean you live the other person’s life or you do their job. It
doesn’t mean that you have to agree with their point of view. It just means you develop an
understanding of and appreciation for their position. It gives you insight, empathy, and more clicks on
your dial in terms of how to satisfy their needs—and yours.
When you’re negotiating, it’s as important to learn about the other person as it is when you’re talking
with a friend, loved one, or colleague. We live in a world surrounded by other humans. The more we
can learn about them, the less concerned we become about ourselves and the more effective we are.

Powerful Emotions: How to Facilitate Discussions
with People Who Are Upset
In earlier chapters we touched on how to deal with difficult people and situations; let’s explore this a
little further now. Every once in a while, I need to deal with people who are angry. Maybe I made
them angry or maybe they were angry when they got on the phone or in the room, but it doesn’t matter
to me. I could accuse them of waking up on the wrong side of the bed or of not getting enough love
lately, but that wouldn’t be helpful. Regardless of what made the person angry, you have to work with
the human being in front of you.
So, when I’m interacting with someone who is in a bad mood or was angry—or angry with me—the
first thing I want to know is how they feel. I don’t feel attacked when somebody’s angry; I just feel
they’re angry. And I want to know how they feel. How angry are they?
So I might say, “If I had to guess, I’d say you’re feeling really angry. It might be because I was late on
that phone call two weeks ago,” or if I have no clue, I’ll say, “It feels like you’re really angry. Can
you tell me about it?” and let them go. Remember, we want to help people exhale. Until they exhale,
until they relieve the pressure, there’s no listening or real communication anyway, so you let them
exhale.
When they seem to run out of steam, you can say, “Tell me more,” or you can ask the question “Is that
because of . . .” and let them go. Then you can say, “How upset are you?” and let them tell you that.
Next you say, “Is there anything I can do to contribute to changing the situation?”
“Well, no. I just wanted you to listen—that’s all. I just had to blow off some steam. Thanks a lot.”
Once they’ve been heard, they’re probably ready to let you be heard. Or they’ll say, “Yes, you can.
You can keep your damn promises. When you say you’ll call me at a certain time, call me at that
time.”
I wish I could say that I’ve never responded defensively to getting feedback. I’ve been guilty of
blasting back with “Well, you’re no better,” or “Look, I had this going on. If you’re not adult enough
to understand that . . .” I’ve done a lot of that kind of reactive behavior and it’s cost me.
So when we’re interacting with someone who’s emotional or people who are generally kind of
difficult, it’s important to remember that they’re the ones who are uncomfortable. They’re involved in
something that’s hard for them; so don’t respond with discomfort of your own. Just get what’s
happening there and that these are the folks who are really in pain, not you or me.
So before you can have a communication with them that’s in your own self-interest, you need to do
something to help loosen that up. The key here is you can’t label them in advance, “Oh, that guy’s just
another pain in the ass. He wants everything in the world.” You can’t do that. You can’t say, “Oh,
they’re lazy. If they had taken the time to do X earlier, they wouldn’t be in this trouble right now.”
Drop all your judgments. Most of us live in glass houses, right? If you can just accept that, it doesn’t

matter that you’re not as imperfect as some other poor slob. For the moment, we want to be in league
with this person. Because we want to work with them, we want no defensiveness at all on our part.
We’re just there to be of service and to listen.
In my own mind right now, I can hear a voice saying, “Oh right, you’re just going to lie down? You’re
going to be a doormat? You’re going to be a punching bag? They won’t have any respect for you.”
That dialogue comes from an old map of the world. It’s simple to understand, but it’s not true.
For almost two decades, I’ve been practicing fairly sophisticated communication with people, and
I’ve learned that sincerely seeking to understand them makes their respect for you go up and your
stress level go way down. When you don’t have the need to defend yourself or to get even or any of
that stuff, you can be much more humane dealing with other people. The most powerful position is the
one you don’t need to defend.
Now, is it a lot of fun to be yelled at or to be abused or even to hear somebody’s emotional baggage?
Of course it’s not; but so what? If you sign up for the job of communicating with your fellow humans,
you have to take them as they come. Sometimes that includes bad breath or bad manners, and
sometimes that includes pretty bad feelings. It is whatever it is. You’re going to care about them
anyway because all these conditions are temporary.
When someone’s upset, they’re a lot like a patient in the emergency room. Because they’re in the grip
of some kind of pain or emotion, they’re in fight-or-flight mode. They’re not thinking; they’re feeling.
So, when you’re with them, don’t focus on being mad, afraid, or defensive. Instead focus on them. The
more resourceful you can be, the more helpful you can be, and the more appreciated you will become.
So, if after you’ve let them completely vent, you’re clear that there’s nothing you can do about this—if
this is just something that they had to get off their chest and they thank you for it—you can move on or
you can say, “I’m curious: what’s impossible about this that you really would want?”
This does two things for them. First, you’re still talking about something “out there.” In fact, as I hear
my own language, I’d probably say, “What’s impossible about that?” because that would put it even
further away in their physical mind. Then let them tell you what’s impossible about it. Next you could
say, “Okay, what would make it possible?” That’s a very simple and very powerful question: “What
would make it possible?”
Asking these kinds of questions—“What would it be like if it did? What would it be like if you
could? What would it be like if we worked this out?”—shifts the entire basis of thought from
impossibility to desire. I find that sharing Nelson Mandela’s wisdom often inspires people to
embrace possibility. He said, “It always seems impossible until it’s done.”
As you know, these kinds of questions create a significant physiological response in the human brain;
they actually engage more neurons. Then people truly have more brainpower to work with because
when it’s impossible, it’s impossible. It’s like having your foot caught in a trap. All you can do is tug
on the trap and feel the pain.

But if you imagine what it’s like for something to be possible, now you’re not focusing on the
impossibility, you’re focusing on: “Wow, what would it be like? And what would make that possible?
Hmm, I wonder what things need to be rearranged? Maybe there’s a little more wiggle room over
there than I thought.” It just starts to loosen up the mind, so it can move forward and entertain options.

The Unexpected Strategy:
An Approach to Consider When You’re Upset
What if you’re the person who’s upset? Perhaps there’s someone in your life who’s been a problem
for you, disappointed you a bit, or hasn’t stepped up. This person might be a family member, a
coworker, a client, or a vendor. For me, I found more of these challenges at work than at home. And
when somebody who worked for me dropped the ball, I used to call them into my office and say,
“What’s your problem?” Not an ideal response, right?
A better thing to do—and this is something I tried only a few times before I retired, but it worked like
magic—is to call them in and say, “You know, I’ve been thinking about you and about the demands I
place on you. And I think I owe you an apology.”
Because the other person’s expecting to get called on the carpet, this really throws them for a loop.
They’re thinking, “Huh?”
I say, “Yeah, the more I think about this, I imagine that you must feel like I don’t take you into
consideration, I just impose things on you. I give you unrealistic deadlines—I have no sympathy for
your personal issues—and you must feel like you can’t get it done and, even if you do, you’re not
going to be appreciated. I want you to know I’m really sorry for creating a situation like that for you. I
apologize and I’m going to do better.”
The person’s waiting because they’re thinking, “This is one of those psychology sandwich things.”
You know, the kind of sandwich where you give them a compliment, then you give them a criticism,
then you give them a compliment.
What I’m recommending is a different kind of approach. This is where you don’t give them a
compliment, you give them an apology of substance—and then you thank them for their time. In other
words, you just did the unexpected and you made them feel heard. You made their feelings feel felt,
and you didn’t demand anything from them. You left it with that.
When people have this kind of experience with you, it’s like a “reset”—and they’ll return to being
their best self. If they have more they’d like to talk with you about, you’ve just made it safe and
inviting for that, too.
Whether an opportunity is internal to you, with one other person, or with a group, you now have
several new, effective ways to facilitate creative collaboration and “Conflict Integration.” Although
these strategies are useful with most people, I recommend that you consider using these approaches

with people who are occasionally difficult, but not with people who are just plain toxic. This will
help you maintain your personal integrity and control of your life.
Whenever you’re interacting with others, you, and they, have a more positive experience when you
are curious and creative. Creativity is about multiplying choices. Most of what we’ve talked about
throughout this book is about increasing your choices.
When you think about your life, the things that pinch and the things that hurt us and the things we regret
are usually limitations, occasions and places where we believed our choices were restricted. NLP is
all about creating more choices so you can have more of what you really want.

Key Ideas
•

Having expectations or being on autopilot filters out information—which limits thinking and
options.

•

The Well-Formed Outcome model (Chapter 2) can be used effectively alone, with a partner,
or with a group.

•

Creativity is about multiplying choices. People can free up and more easily access their
creative talents when they quiet inner dialogue, loosen up, and drop their filters.

•

Part of Walt Disney’s genius was to employ his inner Dreamer, his Realist, and his Critic
separately and in sequence whenever he wanted to create something new. He’d use each of
these mental roles in a positive, collaborative way. His strategy can be used alone or with a
group.

•

People engaged in a conflict often feel stuck, and then their emotions take over, which puts
them in a fight-or-flight mode.

•

Learning someone’s goal-behind-the-goal enables you to understand what’s really important
and usually makes it easier to find common ground.

•

Once people in conflict can agree upon mutual goals or meta-outcomes, then they can work
together to achieve those goals in a way that’s acceptable to both of them.

•

The same kind of sorting process and identification of goals-behind-the-goals can be used
to help someone who’s experiencing an internal conflict. Once this person’s competing
parts find common ground, the remaining steps of the “Conflict Integration Process” can be
used to resolve the issue.

•

If a conflict has been going on for a while, the fight may have become personal—and the
“gloves are off.” In these situations, it helps to ask each party, “If I were to ask the other
person what’s most difficult about interacting or working with you, what do you think
they’d say?” Next we’d build on their answer by asking, “Okay, if that’s true, then what

would that make them want to do?” Then, of course, we’d ask these same questions of the
other party. These inquiries enable them to see and depersonalize behaviors that they’ve
been judging.
•

Although negotiation is a game where someone wants to and will win, some aspects of the
“Conflict Integration Process” are still useful—such as: centering yourself, using rapport
skills to get people talking, zooming out, noticing nonverbal behaviors and language
patterns, and learning about the goals-behind-the-goals.

•

Effective preparation for any negotiation includes considering all possible outcomes–
including “no deal”—so feelings of desperation are not driving behaviors and decisions.

•

In most business negotiations, there are at least four sets of interests involved—the other
person’s and yours, as well as their company’s and your company’s.

•

The four assets at play in most negotiations are time, money, energy, and emotion. If
someone’s not in a hurry to agree on and implement a solution, they may be able to leverage
time to their advantage.

•

In any negotiation, it’s critical to have access to all the information related to the issues—
and to understand who, on the other side of the table, has the authority to make a decision.

•

When dealing with difficult people, it’s important to help them feel heard and felt by asking
questions, letting them blow off steam, naming the emotion—then moving them from being
stuck to considering possibilities.

•

If someone is upset with another person, a very unexpected and effective way to approach
them is to say, “I’ve been thinking about the expectations I’ve had of you—and I think I owe
you an apology. The more I think about our situation, I imagine you must feel like I don’t
take you into consideration . . .” This helps the other person feel felt, doesn’t add any new
demands, and frees them up to go back to being their best self.

To enhance the skills you learned in this chapter, check out the recommended Bonus Activities at our
special “Essential Guide” website: http://eg.nlpco.com/8-13 or use the QR code with your phone.

Discoveries, Questions, Ideas, and Stuff You Want to Work On

CHAPTER NINE: M AINTAINING YOUR M OMENTUM WITH NLP

What’s next?

Your life will be no better than the plans you make
and the action you take. You are the architect and builder
of your own life, fortune, and destiny.
—Alfred A. Montapert

Recent research suggests that many of us buy books but never read them. We buy memberships to the
health club, but never go. We buy clothes we never wear and power tools we never use. The list, as
you might imagine, goes on and on.
Having gotten this far in the book, you’re already an exception. You’ve demonstrated your genuine
commitment to improving your life. In using the NLP principles and techniques you’ve explored, I
know that you’ve experienced some positive personal changes—and I hope that you’re motivated to
continue to enhance your new skills.

Journey Highlights: What You Learned
Before recommending ways you might do that, let’s step back for a moment and reflect on a few
highlights of the territory we’ve covered together. You’ve learned about:
•

NLP’s key presuppositions

•

How you “work” using your body, brain, and mind

•

The way you use all five senses to process, sort, and store your experiences

•

How to notice incongruity in yourself and in others

•

How your mind uses a shorthand to take in, filter, make sense of, and manage incoming data

•

The power of intentional and unintentional visual, auditory, and kinesthetic anchors

Building upon these basics, you discovered:
•

How subtle shifts in sub-modalities can create big changes in your remembered, present,
and future experiences

•

The importance of where you are in the experience, whether you’re associated or
disassociated

•

New ways to prevent and minimize personal stress

•

The ways you motivate yourself and how to get unstuck when you are distracted,
procrastinating, or resistant to doing something specific

•

Nonverbal behaviors that might provide clues to what is going on with someone else and
shapes how they are in the world

•

Ways to create good connections with others by easily building rapport, demonstrating
interest, and making them feel felt

Building upon these basics, you discovered:
•

How people process differently and that by adjusting your natural preferences—
representational systems, sense of time, meta-programs, etc.—you can more easily and
effectively communicate

•

The power of beliefs—and how each individual’s beliefs shape their experience, decisions,
interactions, and identity

•

Ways that conflicts occur and how to increase collaboration for more enjoyable
relationships and successful outcomes

Hands-on Experiences: NLP Techniques and Strategies You Worked With
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•

Creating an anchor
Shifting sub-modalities
Enhancing your self-concept
Mirroring/Matching
Reframing
Using metaphors
Asking the Well-Formed Outcome questions
Using the:
– Auditory Swish Process
– Eye Movement Integration Process
– Conflict Integration Process
– Curiosity Shunt Installation
– Disney Strategy
– Godiva Chocolate Process

Next Steps: Options for Additional Development
At this point, it might be tempting to put this book on the shelf and move on to a new resource that
will help you continue to enhance your life and get more of what you want. Before you do that,
consider this: In exploring NLP, you’ve already established an excellent foundation to make powerful
personal changes. Why not build on that?
Rather than seek out the next book or online course, what would it be like if you could expand how
you use NLP even more?
I’ve found that the more I learn about NLP, the more I learn about myself—and the more options I
have for successfully making the changes in myself and my life. If you’ve been making notes or
keeping a journal about your discoveries and dreams, you may already have a list of changes you’d
like to pursue. Pick one. When you’ve made progress with that, pick another. You get the drift.
The goal is to keep NLP in the foreground of your busy life—to use the principles and processes
frequently enough that they become part of how you think and operate. If that sounds like a lot of
work, it doesn’t have to be. In just five to ten minutes each day, you can strengthen your knowledge
and skills. This small investment can pay big dividends.
If you’re someone who likes having a track to run on, we’ve created a 21-Day Guide that can get you
started. You can use the preprinted guide at the end of this chapter or go online to access a version
you can type into. Of course, it’s just a guide—you can do the activities sequentially, or skip around.
You can even repeat all the activities—just using a different focus.
I said in the Introduction that NLP is more important today than ever before. Because technology
keeps us in constant connection, we are continuously stimulated by information and interactions with
others that we hardly have time to think. By now, learning NLP has provided you with insight into
your personal thinking patterns—and helped you manage and change these if you wish. And you’ve
learned whole new ways of dealing with other people and understanding how they are thinking and
feeling. Great tools for the road ahead, aren’t they?
I’d like to leave you with a final thought that was well expressed by Samuel Johnson. Here it is: “Life
affords no higher pleasure than that of surmounting difficulties, passing from one step of success to
another, forming new wishes and seeing them gratified.”
Now you have new tools to do exactly that. I wish you an exciting and rewarding journey—and I
appreciate the opportunity to have shared mine with you.

21-Day Guide:

The Next Steps to Creating the Person You Want to Be

This guide is adapted, with NLP Comprehensive’s generous permission, from NLP: The New
Technology of Achievement.

The best time to complete this portion of the book is after you’ve read all the chapters. This guide
builds on the NLP ideas and techniques you’ve explored throughout the book and applies them in new
ways. Continuing to play with these ideas and processes will increase your mastery of this
breakthrough technology and allow you to integrate them as a way to naturally navigate life.
Even though there are recommended activities for each day, there’s no rule that says you can’t do
more than one a day, as long as you’re giving each activity the full attention it deserves. Once you’ve
completed this program, you may want to return to the days that you found most useful or appreciated
the most, and repeat them for greater benefit. Or you may want to return to the days that didn’t seem to
offer you much; repeating these opportunities might produce different results or reveal something
about yourself. You can also simply repeat the entire program from the beginning. Do any of these
activities as often as you like, until all of your goals are reached or you feel you’ve learned
everything this book has to offer, whichever comes first.

Although there is workbook space provided on the following pages, you may prefer to use your own
notebook or download one of the online versions by going to: http://eg.nlpco.com/21-1 or use the QR
code with your phone.

Week 1: Going for Your Goals

Day 1: Finding Your Current Coordinates
In order to achieve anything, you need to know where you want to go, right? It’s also critical to know
where you are right now so you can plot a course from here to the fulfillment of your dreams.
Almost all of us, probably without ever really thinking about it, have divided our lives into what we
like and what we don’t like. NLP cofounder Richard Bandler remarked that while we’re clear about
what we like and don’t like, we probably haven’t noticed that we can subdivide our likes and dislikes
into the things we like or want but don’t have—for example, a new car, a vacation or a promotion—
and the things we don’t like or don’t want and have—like too many pounds, a quick temper, or badly
behaved pets.
To begin, consider what you really like about your life. These can be significant achievements—like
hitting a home run, receiving your first “A,” or getting an important promotion, and they can also be
the simplest of moments—listening to the sound of waves, watching a child sleep, savoring chocolate
ice cream. Make your list as long and full as your time allows.
To simplify this process, you can use the following worksheet or one of the online versions. For now,
just complete column 1, indicating the things you want and have in your life.
Now to the more expected question: What do you have that you don’t want in your life? Many of us
spend much of our lives on this question in one form or another. As you consider this question, feel
free to include those extra pounds, troublesome habits, being stuck in traffic, days your boss is a jerk,
or whatever it is that “rains on your parade.” Complete column 3 of your worksheet, making this list
as long and as full as your time allows.
Now to the NLP question: What do you want in your life that you don’t have? This is the time to write
down your “wish list.” Begin anywhere—with your work, home, love life, finances, or whatever.
Include your important dreams and also write down at least a few of the everyday dreams, too—like
sunny skies, clean sheets, or fresh-brewed coffee. In column 2, write these ideas and make the list as
full as your time allows.
The final column is the less-thought-of category: what you don’t want in your life and you don’t have.
If you’re like most people, you probably haven’t spent much time mulling over this possibility, so take
a few minutes now. There are obvious things like a dreaded disease, crushing debt, a crippled child,
chronic pain, the inability to work, etc. There are also many other things that you’ve never thought of
wanting, and you don’t want to try them—hang gliding, a prison sentence, a trip to a toxic waste site,

etc. Include several of these on your list, too. Capture these ideas in column 4 on the worksheet.

Finding Your Current Coordinates Worksheet
Follow the instructions on the prior page
to complete each column below.

Take a look at your four lists. Make sure you have at least
several items in each column and that each item
that you wrote down is real and specific.
Once you’ve reviewed and refined your completed list,
answer the questions provided on the next page.
Looking at your lists again, notice:
•

Which list is the longest and which is shortest

•

Which list was the easiest to create and which was the most difficult

•

Which list feels most familiar and which one is least familiar

As you look from list to list, are you comparing items of equal importance, or do you find you have

“mountains” on one list and “molehills” on another?
Right now, which list currently draws your attention more?
As you look over your answers, how do you feel about them?
Do you like the items on your lists, or do you want to change some of them?
As you go to sleep tonight, let your mind wander over how things are, and how you’d like them to be.
If anything significant comes up, add it to your list.

Day 2: Discovering Your
Motivation Direction and Priorities
Yesterday you discovered your current coordinates. Today you’ll focus on two of the lists you made:
what you Want & Don’t Have and what you Don’t Want & Have. Which list currently occupies more
of your attention? Remember the meta-program that describes a person’s motivation direction as
away-from or toward (from Chapters 4 and 6)? The Want & Don’t Have list is another way of
describing a toward motivation, while Don’t Want & Have is another way of describing an awayfrom motivation. Notice which list is more important to you now. Begin with that list first. Review the
items and prioritize them. What do you want to change most? What do you want to change next—after
that, and so on? Use any ranking system you like.
After you finish prioritizing your first list, do the same with the second list.
Once you have prioritized both lists, consider which change, if you were to get it, would make the
most difference in your life. It might be one of your top-ranked items, and then again, it might seem at
first to be a minor one. For example, how much difference would it make to everything else in your
life if you began each day in a good mood? What small but significant change could you make in your
day now that would encourage this—the perfect latte, a healthy breakfast, upbeat music, stimulating
conversation, comfortable shoes? Review your priorities again to identify items that seem most likely,
once they shift, to produce the biggest change. Star or highlight these items.

Day 3: Making Your Dreads into Dreams
Look again at your prioritized list for what you Don’t Want & Have. If this is one of your longer lists,
today’s activity will be even more important for you. When someone has a well-developed awayfrom motivation direction, they naturally pay a lot more attention to what they don’t like and don’t
want. While this can be motivating, they ultimately won’t experience much satisfaction. As they get
further away from what they don’t like, they get relief and less stress, but not excitement, satisfaction,
or achievement. To experience a sense of fulfillment an away-from person needs a reorientation of
attention. They can tremendously benefit by redirecting attention from what is not wanted to what is
wanted. This activity, using the items you already listed, will help you explore redirecting your
attention from what you don’t want to what you do want.
Copy items from your newly prioritized Don’t Want & Have list onto the next page.
Next, take each item you Don’t Want & Have and think of a positive phrase that means the same thing
to you, but is something you Don’t Have & Want. For example: If you Don’t Want & Have a few extra
pounds, what you probably Don’t Have & Want is a slimmer, more muscular body. If you Don’t Want
& Have a dead-end job, then you Don’t Have & Want work with more opportunities. Create a
transformation for every Don’t Want & Have into a new Don’t Have & Want that is satisfying to you.
Write down each transformation for future reference.

Dreads into Dreams Transformation Worksheet

Day 4: Turning Your Dreams
and Desires into Achievable Goals
Review your original list of Don’t Have & Want and yesterday’s new list of Don’t Have & Want.
Compare these two lists and merge them according to your current priorities. You may want to
arrange them in their new order. Of course, as new items come into your awareness, feel free to add
these to your list.

Now pick one of your top-priority goals, and take it all the way through the Well-Formed Outcome
model using the worksheet on the next two pages or downloading one of the online versions from
http://eg.nlpco.com/2-1 or use the QR code with your phone.

Well-Formed Outcome Worksheet
1. What specifically do you want? Describe your desired outcome or state in a positive, sensorybased way that’s an appropriate chunk size and also addresses WHAT ELSE having or
achieving your outcome will do for you (Meta-Outcomes).

2. How will you know when you’ve achieved what you want? Determine if the “evidence”
you’re focused on is appropriate and timely (soon and regular enough).

3. Under what circumstances, where, when, and with whom, do you want to have this result?
Reflect on the context(s) in which you want to have this outcome and evaluate the ecology so
you can consider how achieving this result may affect other areas, aspects, or people in your
life.

4. What stops you from having your desired outcome already? Identify and explore any feelings,
thoughts, or circumstances that seem to inhibit movement toward your outcome.

5. What resources will you need to help you create what you want? Determine what resources
you ALREADY have that will help you (knowledge, money, connections, etc.). Consider
additional resources you’ll need to move forward.

6. How are you going to get there? Identify manageable steps to help achieve your result,
consider multiple options to get where you want to go, and determine the FIRST step you’ll
take.

Day 5: Making Your Goals Irresistible
Most of us are drawn to what we find attractive. It fills our attention and directs our decisions and
behavior. Now that you have turned your dreams and desires into achievable goals, you can make
them so compelling that you will naturally be drawn toward them. Remember to only use the
following steps with goals you’ve fully taken through the Well-Formed Outcome questions, because
it’s possible to make unwise or impossible goals compelling. (Unrequited love and quixotic dreams
are two examples.) There are better uses of your energy and this technology.
Take one high-priority goal from your list and begin by imagining the goal in your mind’s eye and
seeing yourself having already achieved it. If the goal isn’t already a movie, have it take the form of a
movie now. Increase the size and brightness of these images, adding vivid colors and dimension.
Notice the way this intensifies how attracted you feel to the goal. Continue to increase the movie’s
size, brightness, and color as long as the feelings of attraction are intensifying until they plateau; then
hold them there. Add rich, exciting, upbeat music to your movie of the goal. Have the music become
surround sound so it’s coming from all directions. Hear strong, supportive, encouraging voices
cheering you on to your future. Fully enjoy this mental movie and the associated feelings.
Having done one example thoroughly and experienced the effectiveness, you’ll easily be able to take
any of your other goals through this same process at any time you desire.

Day 6: Creating Inevitable Success
Creating inevitable success means setting your brain on the path to achieving your goal in such a way
that it’s working on your goal all day long—whether you are conscious of it or not. When you’ve
vividly imagined that you have already achieved your goal and foreseen a possible path to get there,
traveling the actual path becomes much easier.
This is the process of “chunking” down a journey into the actual steps you need to take to get there. To
accomplish this, you’ll need to imagine going into the future to become the “you” who has already
achieved your goal.
When you momentarily become the future “you” who has already achieved your goal, you can visit
what is now your past and review the actions and decisions that inevitably led to this achievement.
As you review the steps you took, you’ll notice different resources that helped you along the way.
Then, keeping this path in mind, return to the present to plan for your future and take the necessary
actions in the present.
Having thoroughly completed this process and experienced how effective it is, you’ll easily be able
to identify the steps and resources you need to achieve an important goal.

Day 7: Appreciating the Rest of Your Life
Stephen Covey’s book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People identifies the importance of personal
renewal—physical, mental, social/emotional, and spiritual renewal. Yet, with the ever-increasing
reach of technology, the demands of life seem to expand well beyond the available hours in a day. As
we juggle and struggle to keep up, many of us move rest and renewal to the bottom of the list. This
decision can come at a price—to our well-being and to our relationships.
Today’s activity is as important as each of the rest of the days in this guide. It builds a foundation for
heightened awareness, appreciation, and positive action. Looking back to Day 1, you’ll see a list
titled Have & Want. These are things that you want in your life that you already have. In the rush to
keep up, grow, and achieve, it’s often easy to forget the good things in your life and how far you’ve
come.
Take time today to review this list in detail. Really notice what you like about your life. Linger over
any items that draw you in. Savor them. If you find that doing this prompts you to call someone, send a
note, go sit outside, take a moment in meditation or prayer, or do something so that these items appear
more often in your future—great! As you begin to enumerate and appreciate what you Have & Want,
you may notice that additional things you have and appreciate or enjoy come up. Feel free to include
these on your list.
When you have completely reviewed your Have & Want list, in your mind’s eye look over the
previous week or month and notice what you have done with this book and program to improve the
quality of your life and yourself. Notice the activities you’ve completed, what you’ve learned, and
what you’ve achieved. Consider what you could do for yourself right now to appreciate or celebrate
the investment and progress you’ve made.

Week 2: Persuasive Communication

Day 8: Finding and Transmitting Your Mission
To communicate your life mission is to speak what’s in your heart. Men and women who live out their
life missions are naturally charismatic. They have a compelling clarity, persuasiveness, and
commitment that stems from their vision. All communication techniques pale in the face of simple
words said by someone who truly believes them.
Before doing today’s exercise, it’s helpful to have taken at least two of your priority goals completely
through the Well-Formed Outcome model. You need to have made these goals into compelling futures
by enriching them visually, auditorily, and kinesthetically. If you haven’t done this yet, make that
today’s exercise.
Having done that, get each of these important goals in mind simultaneously and ask yourself the
following questions.
•

What do these goals have in common?

•

What themes or elements appear in all or most of them?

•

How do these goals express your life’s passion?

•

How do they express your deepest values and principles?

Write down, draw, or even act out your answers.
Remember, you’re in search of your life mission. This is not something you decide; it is something
that emerges from within you. Take time to explore what deeply motivates what is most important to
you. This could easily take more than the time you’ve allotted to complete today’s activity. Begin now
and find out what “bubbles up” for you—today, as well as in the days and weeks to come. Visions
emerge from dreams, daydreams, and spontaneous thoughts. Be curious about how you’ll discover
yours.
Once you have a sense of your mission, share it with someone. Expressing it will help refine your
mission and serve as an invitation to others. Who might want to participate in your mission or at least
cheer you on, if he or she only knew about it?

Day 9: Listening with Rapport
As you know, listening is key to creating rapport and to understanding. The kind of listening that
notices how another sees, hears, feels, and thinks demonstrates intention and invites you into someone
else’s world.
When someone is face-to-face with you, there’s an incredible amount of information being
communicated: the words, gestures, emotions, and unconscious cues. Although in-person
communication is more complete, in today’s environment much of our communication is done by
phone, email, or texting.
Today, practice your listening and rapport-building skills when you’re on the phone. While listening
to the other person talk, play with speaking at the same speed or tempo as they are. Experiment with
using their intonation patterns. If their voice is flat, flatten your voice. If they are expressive, try
speaking more expressively.
Here’s something you can do to build rapport on the phone or by email. Keep the following list of
“process” words handy and begin to “feed back” to your callers the same kind of words they use. For
more details on communicating in someone’s preferred representational channel, refer to Chapter 7.

Generic or Unspecified Words:
Know, Understand, Believe, Notice, Discover, Consider, Communicate
Visual:
See, Look, Watch, Peak, Imagine, Appear, Reveal, Perception
Auditory:
Hear, Listen, Tell, Ask, Sounds, In Tune, Tonality, Whisper
Kinesthetic:
Feel, Touch, Grasp, Catch On, Contact, Push, Reach, Impression
Words that imply . . .
Visualization:
Color, Sparkle, Contrast, Flash, Snapshot
Sound:
Dissonance, Crackle, Silence, Orchestrate, Noise
Feelings & Sensations:
Weigh In, Curious, Warm, Soft, Impact

Day 10: The Magic of Physical Alignment
As you know from Chapter 5, 93 percent of the emotional content of face-to-face communication is
nonverbal—so words are only 7 percent of a communication. With every person you meet face-toface, practice matching his or her body language and gestures. If they move slowly and deliberately,
do the same. If they move quickly or gesture a lot, then move more at their rate and add some gestures
that are similar to theirs.
For a completely different experience, first mismatch the other person’s nonverbal behavior (moving
fast when they move slowly, gesturing a lot when they don’t gesture at all) and then, after rapport has
begun to drop off, reestablish it again by matching their rhythms and gestures.

Day 11: The Secret to Wonderful Feelings
Today, make it your secret mission to encourage whomever you meet to feel better. You might
compliment them, simply smile, or gently (and appropriately) touch their arm or shoulder. Experiment
with different approaches in different situations. Write down your results at the end of the day.
You can also encourage yourself. Here’s how:
•

What emotion, if you could experience it at least several times every day, would make your
life smoother and more wonderful?

•

What are three things you could do to encourage this emotion in yourself?

•

How will you begin to integrate these three things so you can enjoy your chosen emotion
more often?

Day 12: Understanding the Values of the Heart
As you know from Day 9’s activity, listening is much more than the physical act of hearing. Today,
focus your NLP listening skills on noticing, understanding, and exploring the heartfelt values of
others.
In your interactions, listen for their goals and values. Repeat aloud what you hear about their goals
and values to give them an opportunity to confirm or clarify your understanding. Ask them what’s
important about achieving their goals and values. When you elicit their meta-outcome(s), you’re
asking for their higher and deeper values, their heartfelt values. Really listen to what they tell you. As
you do this, you’ll notice there are many different heartfelt values, and all of them are uniquely
important to the individuals who hold them.
Because deeply held values drive people’s goals and choices, you may even want to start a file of
heartfelt values for the folks you frequently interact with. As you increase your acuity of noticing and
understanding values, you’re likely to discover that these are important criteria that must be met
before a person will completely commit themselves to something. One of the most empowering things
you can do is assist the people around you in finding ways to express their heartfelt values. Where
people express their hearts and passion, they also release their talents.

Day 13: Finding Motivation and Giving Direction
An effective parent, teacher, manager, or other person in authority gives those he or she is responsible
for clear and positive goals with measurable evidence of achievement. This way everyone in a
partnership, team, or family not only knows what the goals are, they also know how to recognize
when these have been achieved.
Successful leaders also communicate how the goals and values of the enterprise are in alignment with
the goals and heartfelt values of all the individuals who are involved.
Review the previous day’s list of goals, values, and heartfelt values. Pick one or two of the
individuals from whom you’ve gathered information about their heartfelt goals and values.
Ask them what the fulfillment of their goals and heartfelt values will do for them—then listen for the
motivation direction that’s expressed in their answers. What do you notice? Do they want to attain or
achieve something—moving ever closer toward it—or do they want relief and release in getting away
from it? Notice whether they are more interested in solving problems (away-from motivation) or
pursuing goals (toward motivation).
Build on this awareness whenever you’re giving instructions or offering guidance; this will allow you
to communicate with them in ways they will much more readily understand and appreciate. For more
details, review Chapter 7.

Day 14: Appreciating the Love in the World for You
On this day of rest, take a few moments to reflect on the people in your life who love and care for
you. You’ve obviously touched their lives in some way.
In your mind’s eye, visit each one and imagine what it would be like to be this person and then notice
what he or she appreciates about you most.
Most likely, you’ll notice things you’ve done together and ways you’ve been “there” for this loved
one, so far. You might have in mind some important situations or events you shared.
Also take time to notice the ways your presence—in silence, in jest, in seriousness, and in just being
—have also touched this person. When you have given yourself an opportunity to appreciate this first
loved one’s perspective, do this again with another key person in your life. If time permits, do this
appreciation process with several loved ones.
When you have done this imagining with at least two loved ones, notice any patterns of appreciation.
Are they different from what you expected before this activity? Take a few additional moments and let
yourself absorb as much as you can of the acceptance, acknowledgment, appreciation, and affection
you’ve just discovered. If this prompts you to call someone, send a note, take a moment in meditation
or prayer, or do something so this experience appears more often in your future—great! Take the
actions you’re inspired to take and see what happens.

Week 3: The Peak Performance Program

Day 15: Stepping out of Limitations and into Resources
When many people think of achieving peak performance, they often turn their attention to the obstacles
they think are blocking their way. Henry Ford once said, “If you think you can or you think you can’t,
you’re right.” It’s true, right? Achieving peak performance has much more to do with how we think
about our experience than with our actual experience.
To demonstrate this for yourself, begin by noticing how you mentally “code” the positive and negative
memories in your life. Are you associated (into the memories as if they are happening to you now) or
are you disassociated (watching yourself on a TV or a movie screen) in your memories? Take enough
time to sample several memories. You may even want to list them.
Very often, people find they have inadvertently coded many of their negative memories in the
associated form and therefore reexperience them, and the negative feelings, strongly at inappropriate
times. For example, they may vividly relive a social embarrassment as they are about to speak to a
group, or they remember earlier rejections as they are about to explore a new relationship.
Now let’s look at the other side. Check to discover if you are associated into your positive and
resourceful memories. Too often, people have accidentally coded these in the disassociated form and
thereby made their own resources inaccessible to themselves. Both of these memory codes can be
changed for the better.
Begin by thinking of a single negative memory that is specific and associated. As you begin to
reexperience it, vividly imagine yourself stepping out of it. Now see that memory at some distance
away from you, with a big black frame around it and thick glass separating what is in the heavy
picture frame from what is outside it. Examine the heavily framed picture to confirm that a younger
you from that time is truly in that image and that you are outside it. Notice how different the feelings
are now?
Take your time and repeat this process with another associated negative memory that you wish to
change. If there are quite a few, make a plan to change several of them each day until you’ve shifted
them all.

Day 16: Amplifying What Is Excellent
One way to achieve excellence is to remove the roadblocks and difficulties on the way to your goals.
Another is to amplify the excellence so much that the roadblocks just become little bumps in the road.
Pick an area of your life where you’re already excelling. Find a real and specific event, a memory of
personal excellence you’re pleased to remember—and relive it. As you begin to reexperience it, also
begin to amplify it. Make it bigger and brighter and more colorful and compelling.
As you enjoy this excellence thoroughly, where would you like to experience it in your near future?
Vividly imagine that happening now.
And where would you like to experience this resource in your longer-term future? Take this resource
to that future time and notice how real that excellent future moment feels now.
Continue to place this amplified excellence in your future moments wherever you want or need them.
When you have “spread it around” to your satisfaction, let it go and recall another memory of
personal excellence and repeat the process. By amplifying more and more moments of personal
excellence and placing them in your future, you will raise the overall quality of your life—as well as
the level of your performance—and you’re making them a much more likely occurrence. For more
details on using sub-modalities and anchoring, refer to Chapter 2.

Day 17: Accelerating Your Learning
In every endeavor, there are usually new skills to learn. How easily, efficiently, and effectively you
learn them can make a tremendous difference, right? Two crucial aspects of learning are how to
acquire good “form” from the beginning and how to successfully reprogram poor form created by
habitual errors.
In Chapter 3, we talked about the study in which college students were asked to shoot basketball freethrows after mental rehearsal or actual practice. As you may recall, those that didn’t practice at all
showed no improvement, while the students who mentally rehearsed scored within a point of the
students who actually got to physically practice. This study provided some of the first hard evidence
about the power of visualization. Today athletes in every field—and professionals in other
disciplines—practice some kind of visualization to perfect their performance.
NLP also recognizes how mental rehearsal stimulates and reinforces the same neural pathways and
micromuscle movements as the actual activity. The mind and body are learning, remembering, and
developing habits from both kinds of rehearsal. Whether your activity is rock climbing, a job
interview, or a presentation to a client, you can use this for yourself.
And whenever your performance is extraordinary, you can increase the likelihood of a repeat
performance by taking a moment to mentally rehearse your excellence. Since you just performed it,
the patterns are fresh in your mind and body. Mental rehearsal will reaccess these pathways again
each time you relive the experience—that day, the next day, and in the weeks to come. Replaying your
excellence makes it more and more your consistent performance pattern.
On the other side, if you’ve developed a habit that no longer serves you, whether it’s an athletic
misalignment like a slice, or a useless behavior pattern like performance anxiety, you can eliminate it
by “writing over it”!
You can do this by first reviewing your undesirable experience from a disassociated position. In your
mental movie, see yourself with your undesired habit. Keeping the beginning of the movie the same,
consider how would you like it to turn out differently. Watch the movie again starting from the
beginning, only this time, watch yourself with a more useful response. Try several alternatives and
pick one you like best. Now step into this new revised movie as a real and associated experience.
Start at its beginning and vividly experience this new movie as if it’s happening to you right now all
the way through to its new ending.
When you have completed this, you have set yourself on a new track with a new natural response. To
strengthen this new pattern, play the updated movie whenever you want.

Day 18: Making the Peak a Regular Part of Your Life
In NLP, we have a saying, “You don’t have to be bad to get better.” Improvement is always possible.
So another way to encourage peak performance is to let your brain know you want to go there. Here’s
how you can use the Swish Pattern to take yourself to ever-higher levels of performance.
To start, recall a specific moment when your performance faltered or you felt yourself on a familiar
plateau.
Bring this particular example vividly to your mind’s eye, and in the center of it, see a dot. In the dot,
there’s an image of you having already exceeded your current level of success. You don’t know how
you did it. You just know you did. When the image moves closer, perhaps you’ll see your satisfied
smile and a gleam in your eyes that will let you know you accomplished this in alignment with your
values and well-being.
Now watch as the performance-plateau experience rushes away from you, getting smaller and darker
and farther away—until it loses all significance. At the same time, notice how the dot blossoms
toward you, getting bigger and brighter and more real, until you are face-to-face with your
exceptional self.
Clear your internal screen and repeat this process from the beginning at least half a dozen times.
Notice if the performance-plateau image naturally fades away and/or the “exceptional self-image”
automatically comes in.
This is just one example of a Swish Pattern. With a little bit of practice, this will become an
automatic mental habit. If you’d like to learn more about this pattern, visit www.nlpco.com.

Day 19: Creating a Breakthrough Mind
When the British runner Roger Bannister broke the four-minute mile and the Russian weight lifters
broke five hundred pounds, none of them knew they had done it! In both cases, their coaches had
conspired to keep them from knowing they were even attempting to break the current record. In
interviews after the record-breaking events, these different coaches were quite clear about their
reasons for not telling their athletes. And even though these interviews were given decades apart,
their explanations were quite similar.
These coaches believed their talented athletes could do what had never been done before. They noted
that the numerical difference between four minutes and less than four minutes was a hundredth of a
second, and the difference between five hundred pounds and more than five hundred pounds was less
than an ounce. They were convinced that the limitations were not in their athletes, but in the meaning
their athletes had attached to these numbers. This proved true for the runner and the weight lifters, for
within months of each athlete’s breakthrough, several others repeated the achievement—which had
previously been thought impossible!
To create any kind of personal performance breakthrough, you need to change your own mental
limitations. You may have had a personal experience that led you to conclude that something was not
possible—or you may have come to believe it’s not possible because others told you so. You may
have thought this for so long that you only vaguely remember how and when this came to be true for
you.
Begin by thinking of something that you decided years ago wasn’t possible for you—it might be
getting your dream job, becoming physically fit, finding your soul mate, or quickly and effortlessly
mastering something complex—whatever it is to you.
With this limitation in mind, what experience—if you had had it before you acquired this belief or
made this decision—would have transformed it from impossible to highly probable? Take a moment
to create this enabling experience in your mind. It may be similar to something that happened later in
your life, or it might be something that never happened to you but you could imagine it—or perhaps it
happened to someone else.
Vividly create this enabling experience using the sub-modalities of a previous peak performance, a
time when you really excelled, even if this example is from a completely different context. (You can
also build on the sub-modalities you discovered in Day 16.)
Once you have created a rich and powerful reference experience, take that back in time with you and
imagine it happened just before the situation that created your limiting memory. From this point, move
ahead from that time—travel ahead with this new enabling memory and as you pass through the
limiting memory, notice how having the enabling memory transforms the negative effects of the
original limiting memory (and any other ones) into positive ones—all the way through your past into
your present!

Now check to sense if that old limitation is completely gone. If you want to, repeat this last step to
strengthen your new enabling memory. This new memory will not guarantee success, but it does
guarantee that the limitations will be in the world, not in your mind.

Day 20: The Practice of Loving What You Do
Even as you transform your negatives, increase your positives, orient yourself to your best self, and
raise expectations, there’s still the need to practice. In Outliers, author Malcolm Gladwell’s research
revealed that people who really excelled—like the Beatles and Bill Gates—invested more than ten
thousand hours in mastering their craft! He also pointed out that practice was not just something they
did to accomplish a particular goal, but was something they were drawn to. For them, practicing is
part of who they are.
Those who excel in any endeavor actually love to practice. Basketball great Magic Johnson has his
own full-size basketball court. In addition to having his own court, Larry Bird would find a court
wherever he went, spending hours a day there, all through the off-season. Rock-and-roll greats Eric
Clapton and Bruce Springsteen play their guitars as much when they’re off the road as when they are
on. Chess masters the world over study and replay famous games. The great American architect Frank
Lloyd Wright used to rebuild his own studio almost annually just to try out new ideas. These greats,
and others like them, are attracted to practice. They want to find out what they have missed. They
want to find out what they might do this time that they have never done before.
You can increase the attractiveness of practice in the important areas of your life with a simple NLP
technique. Once you have decided to do something worthwhile, you might as well enjoy doing it,
right? Most people do things for the results, yet everyone has a few things they do simply because
they enjoy doing them. Find an example of a time when you wanted the results but getting them was
not a lot of fun. Many people feel this way about doing their taxes. Identify something that you dislike
doing. Then step into a specific experience of doing that to discover the sub-modalities associated
with it.
Now think of an activity that you do simply because you enjoy it and the end result doesn’t really
matter. For many people, computer games, sports, or even puzzles have this quality. Step into the
activity that you enjoy and discover the visual, auditory, and kinesthetic sub-modality distinctions of
that experience.
Compare the two memories until you have found the sub-modality distinctions that make the
difference between the two experiences. Use the worksheet on the next page to capture these
differences. Be sure to identify a number of differences.
Next, associate into the wanting results experience—holding the content of its images constant—and
transform its sub-modalities into the ones you found in the experience of enjoying the doing. Notice
the effect this has on your experience. Better, right?
Now associate into the practice of a skill you would very much like to improve and transform its submodalities into the ones associated with enjoying the doing. The next time you practice that skill,
notice how much more compelling and enjoyable it is to do so.

Worksheet to Increase Enjoyment
of Practicing & Doing Tasks or
Skills You Want to Improve

Day 21: It’s a Wonderful Life—If You Notice
On this day of rest, it’s time to appreciate you. You might begin by acknowledging that you’ve
completed all the activities in this guide so far. And we invite you to “zoom out” and notice how
others appreciate you.
Each of us has made a difference, in fact, many differences, in the lives of others. Frank Capra’s
classic movie It’s a Wonderful Life reminds us all that our lives are deeply interconnected. Even
though this movie is shown dozens of times a year, few of us take the time to notice the rich weave of
connections that form the tapestry of our lives.
So take a few moments now, in your mind’s eye, to go into your past and find small, as well as
significant, ways you have affected the world around you in positive ways. Perhaps you helped your
siblings with their homework, supported a friend at a crucial juncture, volunteered at a local shelter,
or provided information that helped reveal unintended consequences to someone’s important project.
Identify the times you have touched others’ lives with your words or your actions.
Use the worksheet on the next page to make a list of your positive words and/or actions (column 1)
and their effects (column 2), even if these effects weren’t obvious until years later. Because what we
value isn’t always what other people value, expand your yardstick to include how important you have
been to others (as well as what’s important to you).
With these experiences as proof of the importance of even your everyday actions, take a few moments
to write down specific actions you would like to take in the future, actions that will add to the lives
of others and the world. As you capture these in column 3, rehearse where you will take these actions
and enjoy your participation in the world.

It’s a Wonderful Life Worksheet

What you do makes a difference—in your world and in the lives of others. Consider what you’ve
learned from this book, and how you will be even more conscious of and active in making good things
happen in the weeks, months, and years to come. Keep wishing, wanting, and dreaming. You can
begin a new cycle tomorrow.
Today, do something for yourself that really delights you. Watch the sunset, smell the flowers, dance
to the music, and touch another heart. Keep learning and growing to create the person you want to be
and the rewarding relationships you want.

Now that you’ve completed the 21-Day Guide, you may be ready for more information on NLP. If so,
follow this link to a list of my favorite books and courses, http://eg.nlpco.com/21-4, or use the QR
code with your phone.
Congratulations on making this commitment
to yourself and your well-being.
The work you do to improve yourself also affects your entire world, and for that, you have our
sincere thanks.
Best wishes for good fortune as you continue your journey.
—Tom, Tom, and Susan

A Lasting Legacy
Vikki Hoobyar

My darling husband, Tom Hoobyar, was an interpersonal genius. My first interaction with Tom was
in an elevator that went from the garage to the entrance of a very popular bookstore in Menlo Park,
California. A teenager was standing next to him, so I smiled my “I know what it’s like to have
teenagers” smile. When the door of the elevator opened, the kid skateboarded away and I was
dismayed to discover that I had smiled at a man who was alone. Because I don’t usually do that, I put
my head down and marched into the store, not daring to look back.
A moment later, Tom offered to help me find a book after the salesperson “with too few brains and
too many piercings” (as Tom described it) had blown me off. This was a reader’s bookstore. He
seemed so nice and knowledgeable about the bookstore that I took him up on his offer to help me.
We talked about what I was searching for. The book wasn’t there, but it no longer mattered because
we had begun an interesting conversation about NLP. There in the bookshop, Tom treated me to my
first taste of NLP by having me visualize my favorite food and then my least favorite food. I was
fascinated by this brief experience and what my brain was doing, so we went next door to grab coffee
and continue the conversation. It was delightful.
At that point in my life, I was willing to be “friends” with men, but I was not willing to date a man
until I really got to know him. Tom kept finding reasons to get together with me to continue our
discussion about NLP. I knew he liked me a lot, but I really just wanted to be friends. He picked me
up at work and took me to lovely restaurants. Afterward, I would always shake his hand.
On one particular day, although we had only planned an outing to an art fair for a couple of hours, we
ended up spending the entire day together. That afternoon I said, “Aren’t we spending too much time
together on our first date?” What Tom heard was that I had called it a “date” and I had said it was the
first one. About three months after meeting him, I fell completely, unreservedly in love with him. We
married fourteen months later. Years later, I told him that had I been looking for a man to date; he
would have been disqualified immediately as “too old, too tall, and too bald.”
Tom had a lot of impact on others—people in business, NLP clients, and my family. When I met him, I
was entering my first year of graduate school to get a master’s degree in marriage and family
counseling. As we got to know one another, he discussed NLP training with me and I was more than
happy to learn the skill set. So while I attended college, I also attended several NLP trainings. When
it came time to actually start counseling clients, I had a lot more confidence than my classmates
because my NLP training had taught me that there was no objection a client could bring up that I
couldn’t handle. (How’s that for “wow”?)

During our courtship, my youngest son, Jared, quickly came to Tom’s attention. Jared was fifteen, a
high school dropout who was drinking a lot and taking drugs. Jared’s father had died when my son
was eight years old, and Jared had had a very negative experience with his first stepfather. Tom
started taking Jared out for dinner once a month. He told Jared that they were going to be in each
other’s lives whether they liked it or not. He explained to Jared that he was going to be the older guy
in my son’s life; that in fact, the day was coming when Jared would be calling Tom to bail him out of
jail. (And that actually happened.)
Tom viewed Jared as a very large fish he had to pull in with a very weak fishing line. So he would
pull Jared closer and then let him retreat a little. One night when the three of us were watching TV,
Tom turned to Jared (who had no piercings in his face, his hair cut conservatively, and a baseball cap
on his head, facing forward) and said, “Who are you and what have you done with our son?” We had
a good laugh! No doubt about it, Tom saved the life of my younger son. Jared is now a very successful
salesperson and an exceptional parent to his six-year-old son.
When Tom and I first married, my oldest son, Justin, was in Ranger training with the U.S. Army. He
called one night and said he was having some problems with impatient feelings toward his wife. Over
the telephone, Tom had Justin notice the control panel that was in his mind. Tom helped Justin imagine
installing a lever to control how many rpm’s his mind was going. This way he could lower the rpm’s
when with his wife and increase the rpm’s when doing Army tasks.
A couple of weeks later, Justin called Tom and said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I made some changes
to the control panel.” (Cute, huh?) Tom asked Justin, “What did you do?” Justin explained that he had
added a computer screen with handles to his control panel. On the screen, he put a picture of his
physical training instructor. And when he held the handles, all of his instructor’s power ran into
Justin’s body. He taught the process to his fellow soldiers and they beat the Army Ranger physical
training records.
Tom and I decided together that we would be really “present” for others. That meant that we made it a
priority to really connect with people and to talk with people who were in crisis, no matter what we
were doing at the time they called. (On more than one occasion, I sat in a Starbucks, in Boston, in
New York, and in Philadelphia, while Tom coached a troubled friend over the phone.) We also
attended every wedding and funeral we knew about. Over the thirteen years we were married, we had
six more adorable grandchildren added to our large family. We made monthly trips to Reno, Nevada,
to visit Tom’s daughter, Tracy, and her family. We were present with each other—and with others.
Tom and I were blissfully happy together. Because we were always talking and he kept coming up
with these “gems,” I learned to carry a notebook so I could write down and refer to my favorites. One
was “Behavior is high quality information.” It wasn’t a new concept, but the way it was worded
really resonated with me. There were hundreds of these gems collected over the years. I would say,
“Did you just hear what you said?” Describing things in an engaging way was so natural for him that
he was unaware of how special this was. I told him he should write a book sharing those gems.
Although he liked the idea, he was at that time extremely busy running his manufacturing company,

coaching people, and running an alumni study group called the NLP Café. So any plans for a book
went on the back burner.
We also hoped to someday in the not-too-distant future develop and offer a vacation-type retreat
center in a rural setting. With his expertise and my training and experience in marriage counseling, we
believed we could really help couples. We had a great relationship and even though we encountered
challenges in our time together, there was no issue we couldn’t resolve.
Tom frequently quoted John Lennon’s line, “Life is what happens while you’re busy making other
plans.” Perhaps that quote turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sadly, Tom was diagnosed with
stage IV pancreatic cancer in August 2009. He passed away one month later. He had the contract for
this book under his belt and he had begun working on it. Thanks to Susan Sanders and Tom Dotz, Tom
Hoobyar’s dream of leaving a legacy has become a reality. All in all, Tom coached hundreds of
people. He didn’t just do NLP; he lived it. I hope to live up to Tom’s glowing example of being a truly
giving person.

Common NLP Terms

Accessing Cues: Behaviors that are correlated with the use of a particular representational system;
e.g., eye movements, voice tones, postures, breathing, etc. (See Representational Systems.)
Anchor: A cue or trigger that elicits a response, similar to the stimulus response of classical
conditioning. Anchors, mental sticky notes, can be auditory, visual, kinesthetic, or even spatial
(mental sticky notes).
“As If” Frame: To pretend that something is possible or completed and begin thinking with that in
mind.
Associated: Being in an experience or memory as fully and completely as possible (with all the
senses); looking out from one’s own eyes, hearing from one’s own ears, feeling one’s own feelings.
Auditory: The sense of hearing. (See “Representational Systems.”)
Backtrack: A spoken or written review or summary of information, usually to build/maintain rapport
and to invite revision or correction.
Beliefs: Generalizations about yourself, other people, and/or the world.
Behavioral Flexibility: The ability to vary one’s behavior in order to elicit a desired response from
another person (in contrast to repeating a behavior that hasn’t worked).
Break State: To change a person’s state dramatically. Usually used to pull someone out of an
unpleasant state.
Channel: One of the five senses—sight, sound, feeling, taste, and smell. (Also see “Representational
Systems.”)
Chunk Size: The size of the object, situation, or experience being considered. This can be altered by
chunking up to a more general category, chunking down to a more specific category, or chunking
sideways or laterally to others of the same type. For example, beginning with “car,” you could chunk
down to a Ford or to a carburetor, chunk up to a “means of transportation,” and chunk sideways to a
plane or train.
Congruent: When all of a person’s internal strategies, behaviors, and parts are in agreement and

working together coherently.
Content: An aspect of meta-programs that addresses the five domains—people, place, information,
activities, and things.
Context: The environment within which a communication or response occurs. The context is one of
the cues that elicit specific responses.
Context Reframing: Placing a “problem” response or behavior in a different context that gives it a
new and different—usually more positive—meaning.
Counter-Example: An exception to a proposed general rule, a specific instance of the falsity of a
universally quantified statement, e.g., any hardworking teenager is a counter-example to the statement
“All teenagers are lazy.”
Criteria: Standards for evaluation; qualities that can be applied to a wide range of specific behaviors
or events. Examples: fun, exciting, inexpensive, interesting, high-quality, bold, practical, new, etc.
Deletion: The process of excluding portions of experience of the world from one’s internal
representations, and one’s speech.
Disassociated: Being outside of an experience—looking at or trying on things from an “Observer” or
third position.
Distortion: Inaccurate reproduction of events in someone’s internal experience. Distortion in
language refers to demonstrably inaccurate comments on any subject.
Domain: The five elements of meta-program “Content”—people, place, information, activities, and
things.
Ecology: Considering the effects of a change on the larger system instead of on just one isolated
behavior, part, or person, e.g., considering how a specific outcome will support your beliefs, values,
and important relationships.
Eye Accessing Cues: Unconscious movements of a person’s eyes that indicate the representational
system being accessed. (See “Accessing Cues.”)
Feedback: The visual, auditory, kinesthetic information that comes back to you as a response to your
behavior.
First Position (“Self”): Experiencing the world from your own perspective; being associated into
yourself and your body.

Flexibility: Having more than one behavioral choice in a situation. (See “Behavioral Flexibility.”)
Future Pace: Rehearsing in all systems so that a specific behavior or set of behaviors becomes
linked and sequenced in response to the appropriate cues, so that it will occur naturally and
automatically in future situations.
Generalization: Taking a specific situation or behavior and generalizing the content across contexts,
as if it were a proven conclusion or fact, e.g., “That’s just the way human beings are.”
Generative or Evolutionary Intervention: An intervention that solves the presenting problem and
also generates other changes that make the person’s life better in many other ways.
Gustatory: Referring to the sense of taste. (See “Representational Systems.”)
Hallucination: An internal representation of or about the world that has no basis in present sensory
experience.
Incongruent: When two or more of a person’s representations, parts, or programs are in conflict.
Being “of two minds” or “torn between two possibilities,” etc.
Installation: Teaching or acquiring a new strategy or behavior, generally by rehearsal or future
pacing.
Intention: The underlying desire or goal of a behavior, assumed to be positive.
Kinesthetic: The sense of feeling. May be subdivided into tactile feelings (Kt: skin sensing,
physically feeling the outside world), proprioceptive feelings (Kp: movement, internal body
sensations such as muscle tension or relaxation), and meta feelings (Km: “emotional” responses about
some object, situation, or experience). (See “Representational Systems.”)
Lead System (also known as Preferred Representational Channel): The representational system
initially used to access stored information, e.g., making a visual image of a friend in order to get the
feeling of liking him/her.
Lost Performative (Lost Performer): A linguistic pattern in which the person performing the action
or judgment is missing from the sentence, e.g., “It’s important to know this.”
Map of Reality: A person’s perception of events. (See “Representational Systems.”)
Matching: Mirroring an aspect of one’s behavior (posture, tone of voice, breathing, etc.) to that of
another person, usually to establish rapport.
Meta Model: A set of language patterns that focuses attention on how people delete, distort,

generalize, limit, or specify their realities. It provides a series of outcome specification questions
useful for making communication more specific, recovering lost or unspecified information, and for
loosening rigid patterns of thinking.
Meta-Outcome: The outcome of the outcome: one that is at a higher level and an outcome of greater
importance than the stated one, e.g., “having financial security or freedom and independence” might
be the meta-outcome of “finding a better job.”
Metaphor: A story, parable, or analogy that relates one situation, experience, or phenomenon to
another.
Meta-Program: A thought pattern based on generalization that the brain uses for efficiency. These
patterns act as automatic filters that help us make decisions; they tell us what’s okay for someone and
what’s not. Examples include options/procedures, toward/away-from, proactive/reaction,
general/specific, and internal/external.
Mind Reading: Imagining what someone else is thinking or feeling by asking yourself, “What must be
going on inside that person for that to be true?” and going into second position with them to try on
things from their point of view.
Mirroring: Matching an aspect of one’s behavior (posture, tone of voice, breathing, etc.) to that of
another person, usually to establish rapport.
Modal Operators: Literally “Mode of Operating.” A linguistic term for one or more of four broad
categories of acting: desire, possibility, necessity, choice.
Modality: One of the five senses—sight, sound, feeling, taste, and smell. (See “Representational
Systems.”)
Modeling: Observing and specifying how something happens, or how someone thinks or behaves, and
then describing in detail or demonstrating the process for others so that they (or you) can learn to do
it.
Motivation Direction (Meta-Program): A mental program that determines whether a person moves
toward or away-from experiences.
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP): The process of creating models of human excellence in
which the usefulness, not the truthfulness, is the most important criterion for success. The study of
subjective experience.
Nominalization: A linguistic term for the words that result from the process of taking actions (verbs)
and converting them into things (nouns) that actually have no existence as things; in other words, you

can’t put them in a wheelbarrow. Examples of nominalizations are love, freedom, happiness, respect,
frustration, etc.
Observer Position: A disassociated meta-position from which you can observe or review events,
seeing yourself and others interact.
Olfactory: The sense of smell. (See “Representational Systems.”)
“Other” Position or Second Position: To step into someone else’s experience fully.
Outcome: Desired goal or result. (Also see “Well-Formed Outcome” and “Meta-Outcome.”)
Pacing: Matching or mirroring another person’s nonverbal and/or verbal behavior. Useful for gaining
rapport. (See “Mirroring” and “Matching.”)
Paralanguage: How something is said—or, more accurate, how it is perceived to have been said.
Separate from the words themselves, paralanguage (such as volume, inflection, speed, intensity, tone,
rhythm, pitch) provides audible cues that may telegraph information about someone’s inner state and
feelings. For example, tone of voice can indicate sarcasm, which the listener may find funny or
hurtful.
Parts: A metaphoric term for different aspects of a person’s experience. Parts are distinct from the
specific behaviors adopted by the “parts” in order to get their positive outcomes.
Perceptual Filter: An attitude, bias, point of view, perspective, or set of assumptions or
presuppositions about the object, person, or situation. This attitude “colors” all perceptions of the
object, etc.
Perceptual Positions: The perceptual positions most commonly referred to: First Position (also
called “self”), when someone is in their own body experiencing things from their own senses and
point of view; Second Position (also called “Other”), when someone is imagining what it’s like from
another person’s viewpoint and trying to “stand in their shoes”; and Third Position (also called
“Observer”), when someone is observing something from outside the self and/or situation in a neutral
or objective way.
Predicates: Words that express action or relationship with respect to a subject (verbs, adverbs, and
adjectives). The words may reflect the representational system being used or they may be
nonspecific, e.g., “That looks good,” “Sounds right to me,” “That feels fine.”
Preferred Representational System or “Channel”: The representational system or mode that a
person habitually uses to process information or experiences; usually the one in which the person can
make the most detailed distinctions.

Presuppositions (in NLP): Unifying beliefs of key individuals (Perls, Satir, Erickson, and
Feldenkrais) who were studied to form the operating principles of NLP.
Rapport: A condition in which responsiveness has been established; often described as feeling safe
or trusting, or willing.
Reframing: A process by which a person’s perception of a specific event or behavior is altered,
resulting in a different response. Usually subdivided into Context Reframing, Meaning Reframing, and
Six-Step Reframing.
Representational Systems: The internal representations of experience in the five senses: seeing
(visual), hearing (auditory), feeling (kinesthetic), tasting (gustatory), and smelling (olfactory).
Resources: A piece of knowledge, an understanding about the world, a belief, a behavior, a skill, a
person, or an object, that contributes to the achievement of an outcome. When creating a Well-Formed
Outcome, resources could also include time, money, support, etc.
Resource State: The experience of a useful response: an ability, attitude, behavior, characteristic,
perspective, or quality that is useful in some context.
Second Position (“Other”): To “become” someone else fully by taking the perspective and the
criteria, history, etc., of someone else—trying things on from their point of view, walking in their
moccasins.
Self-Position: Experiencing the world from your own perspective; being associated into yourself and
your body.
Sensory Acuity: The ability to make sensory discriminations to identify distinctions between
different states or events.
Sensory based: Information that is correlated with what has been perceived by the five senses.
(Contrast with “Hallucinations.”)
Sensory Modalities: The five senses—sight, sound, feeling, taste, and smell.
Separator State or Break State: Eliciting a neutral state between two other states to prevent them
from combining or connecting with each other.
Six-Step Reframing: A process in which the “part” (or parts) responsible for an undesirable
behavior is contacted directly, the positive intention driving the behavior is uncovered, and new
choices to satisfy that intention are created, resulting in an integration of conflicting parts. Also used
to resolve interpersonal conflicts, especially on work teams.

State: A state of being, or a condition of body/mind response or experience at a particular moment.
Stimulus-Response: The repeated association between an experience and a particular response
(Pavlovian conditioning) such that the stimulus becomes a trigger or cue for the response, e.g.,
accidental and intentional anchoring.
Strategy: A sequence of mental and behavioral representations that leads to a specific outcome, e.g.,
decision, learning, motivation, specific skills.
Sub-Modalities: The smaller elements within a representational system; for example, a visual image
can be bright, dim, clear, fuzzy, moving, still, large, small, etc.
Swish: A generative sub-modality pattern used to change habits and responses.
Third Position (“Observer”): A disassociated position from which one can more objectively or
neutrally observe or review events, seeing oneself and others interact.
Universal Quantifier: A linguistic term for words that are applied to all cases and all situations
without exception, e.g., all, every, always, and negations such as never, none, etc.
Visual: The sense of seeing. (See “Representational Systems.”)
Well-Formed Outcome: A goal that is stated in positive terms, obtainable, chunked down
appropriately, within the individual’s control and contextualized, and helps satisfy your or someone
else’s outcome.

References

Chapter 2
Cornell College of Hospitality research source: a paper by Michael
http://www.hotelschool.cornell.edu/research/chr/pubs/reports/abstract–13602.html.

Lynn,

Ph.D.,

Leslie Cameron, “Outcome Frame,” NLP Home Study Guide, published by NLP Comprehensive,
©1984–2007.
Chapter 3
Research on visualization and shooting free-throws. L. V. Clark, “Effect of mental practice on the
development of a certain motor skill,” Research Quarterly 31, no. 4 (December 1960): 560–69; Tony
Morris, Michael Spittle, and Anthony P. Watt, Imagery in Sport (Champaign, IL: Human Kinetics,
2005), also mentioned at http://www.vanderbilt.edu/ans/psychology/health_psychology/mentalimag​
ery.html.
Francesco Cirillo, The Pomodoro Technique, 2009. This work is licensed under the Creative
Commons
Attribution-Noncommercial,
No
derivative
Works
3.0
License—
http://www.pomodorotechnique .com.
“Eye Movement Integration” process originally created by Steve and Connirae Andreas,
http://www.nlpco.com/library/therapy/eye-movement-integration-therapy.
Navy SEALs training tips, http://www.menshealth.com/best-life/mission-save-you/page/5.
Chapter 4
Herbert Benson, The Relaxation Response (New York: William Morrow, 1975).
Excerpt about meta-programs from Joseph O’Connor and John Seymour, Introducing NLP (London:
Thorson’s, 1990).
Chapter 5
GGNEE model created by Rick Middleton, founder of Executive Expression in Los Angeles;
mentioned in Mark Goulston’s Just Listen (New York: American Management Association, 2010).
Chapter 6

Emotional content in communication based on research by Albert Mehrabian, Silent Messages, 1st
ed. (Belmont, CA: Wadsworth, 1971).
Research on sports teams and touching, Benedict Carey, “Evidence That Little Touches Do Mean So
Much,” New York Times, February 22, 2010, http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/23/health/23mind​
.html. “To see whether a rich vocabulary of supportive touch is in fact related to performance,
scientists at Berkeley recently analyzed interactions in one of the most physically expressive arenas
on earth: professional basketball. Michael W. Kraus led a research team that coded every bump, hug,
and high five in a single game played by each team in the National Basketball Association early last
season. In a paper due out this year in the journal Emotion, Mr. Kraus and his co-authors, Cassy
Huang and Dr. Keltner, report that with a few exceptions, good teams tended to be touchier than bad
ones.”
Allen Bluedorn, The Human Organization of Time (Stanford, CA: Stanford University Press, 2002).
Phil Zimbardo, The Time Paradox: The New Psychology of Time That Will Change Your Life (New
York: Simon & Schuster, 2008). Animated presentation at http://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=A3oIiH7BLmg.
Chapter 7
Mark Goulston, Just Listen (New York: American Management Association, 2010).
Touch Research Institute, University of Miami School of Medicine. “Research by Tiffany Field of the
Touch Research Institute in Miami has found that a massage from a loved one can not only ease pain
but
also
soothe
depression
and
strengthen
a
relationship.”
Best
source:
http://books.google.com/books/about/Touch.html?id=1fBdoaBC9-YC.
Cincinnati Children’s Hospital: “Research has demonstrated that patients who receive healing touch
experience accelerated wound healing, relaxation, pain relief, and general comfort.”
Robert Cialdini, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (New York: HarperBusiness, 2006).
Chapter 8
Robert Dilts, Strategies of Genius (Capitola, CA: Meta, 1995).
Keith V. Trickey, “The Walt Disney Creative Strategy,” http://www​.wiredportfolio.com/blog/wpcontent/uploads/2008/10/DisneyPaper​.pdf.
21-Day Guide
Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (New York: Fireside, 1989).
Malcolm Gladwell, Outliers (New York: Little, Brown, 2008).

Acknowledgments

We gratefully acknowledge Dr. Robert Dee McDonald, NLP innovator, author, and trainer for
creating:
•

and testing this version of the “Auditory Swish” in eighteen countries.

•

his extended version of the NLP Presuppositions.

•

the taxi-driver metaphor, which is the foundation of his Destination Method, a
Transpersonal Coaching Strategy.

•

the Mission Detection Process, which informed sections of this book.

Robert McDonald is coauthor of two NLP books titled, Tools of the Spirit and NLP: The New
Technology of Achievement. His website is TelosCenter.com.

Index

The pagination of this electronic edition does not match the edition from which it was created. To
locate a specific entry, please use your e-book reader’s search tools.
Note: Italic page numbers refer to illustrations.
accessing cues, defined, 405 and 210
activity, as a meta-program content domain, 247, 248, 249
agreement, checking for, 272
amygdala, 113, 127, 166, 167
anchors:
creating personal anchor, 28–31
defined, 405
generating energy and, 105
kinesthetic anchor, 29, 119–120, 357
negative anchors, 28, 32, 35
perceptual positions and, 172
positive anchors, 28, 35, 119–120, 123
spatial, 28
stacking, 31
strengthening positive mental states with, 38
strengthening your anchor, 119–120, 123
thinking and, 26–28
touch as, 29, 30, 31, 32, 105, 119, 172, 265
as triggers, 35
victory list, 118
Andreas, Connirae, 96
Andreas, Steve, 96, 139
anxiety, as driver, 100–101
apologies, 349–350, 353
appearance, persuasive communication, 293–296, 302
appreciation, 375, 384, 396–398
“as if” frame, defined, 405
asking well-formed outcome questions, 46–53
associated experiences:

confidence and, 109–110
defined, 405
enriching nature of, 60
intensity of, 59, 84
mental movies and, 62–64, 168, 385, 389
motivation and, 102–103
self-concept and, 142
victory list and, 107, 112
assumptions:
autopilot and, 308, 311, 320
beliefs and, 288, 289
GGNEE 173–174
rapport and, 222
stereotypes and, 160–161, 173–174, 193
auditory cues:
depression and, 75–76, 82–84
nonverbal behaviors and, 211, 227
removing negative auditory cues, 76–78
auditory mode:
communication in, 202, 206, 227, 275, 379
defined, 405
language and, 245
paralanguage and, 211
thinking and, 23
Auditory Swish, 75–76, 78, 81, 82, 116, 122
authenticity:
first position and, 168, 297
in interactions, 192–193, 244
autopilot:
assumptions and, 308, 311, 320
deletion and, 14, 38
distortion and, 14–15, 38
expectations and, 306–308, 320, 351
generalization and, 12–13, 37, 288
thinking and, 12–15
away-from meta-program. See toward/away-from meta-program
backtrack, defined, 405
Bandler, Richard, 78, 363
Bannister, Roger, 391

beginning of day:
motivation and, 101–103, 122
questions for, 65–67, 86
behavior:
emotions triggering, 11, 160
individual preferences and, 134–139
meta-programs and, 136, 254
positive intentions and, 39, 196
usefulness of, 40
zooming in and, 223–224, 256
See also nonverbal behaviors
behavioral flexibility, defined, 405
beliefs:
adapting to differences in, 279–280
defined, 405
empowering beliefs, 240, 255, 261
exploring personal beliefs, 240–242, 286–289
generalizations and, 13, 37, 132, 134, 152, 288, 289
identifying, 133–134, 236
limiting beliefs, 240–241, 255, 261, 289, 301
loosening and “unsticking,” 284–289, 301
maps of reality and, 39, 221, 234–242, 255, 257, 279, 285, 301
meta-outcomes and, 242–244, 261
reframing and, 281–282, 301
roots of, 236–239
self-concept and, 131, 132–134, 138, 149, 152
understanding someone’s belief, 285–286, 288
belonging, 237, 240, 243
Benson, Herbert, 128
Bird, Larry, 393
Bluedorn, Allen, 250
body:
brain and, 93–94
Conflict Integration Process and, 329–333
first position and, 168, 172
meditation and, 129
mind and, 41, 66–67, 93–96
thinking and, 15–16, 38
body language:
breaking rapport and, 219, 220

incongruence and, 206, 228
inner state and, 206
interactions and, 182, 198
matching and, 204, 214, 217, 380
mirroring and, 212, 219
negotiation and, 340, 343
personal space requirements and, 179
questions and, 230
safety and, 261
See also nonverbal behaviors
body position:
matching, 216, 217
nonverbal behaviors and, 208, 212, 214
rapport and, 218, 219
boundaries, 9, 195, 220, 298, 299, 302
brain:
amygdala, 113, 127, 166, 167
body and, 93–94
curiosity and, 80
deep breathing and, 113–114, 127
emotions and, 25
Eye Movement Integration, 96–99, 122
hydration and, 94
interactions and, 165–167, 197
metaphors and, 291
nonverbal behaviors and, 206, 217
outcome frames and, 44–53
peak performance and, 390
questions and, 271, 301, 348
reframing and, 282, 284
self-concept and, 140–141, 147
sensory input and, 22, 37
stress and, 127
survival focus of, 44, 85
thinking and, 16, 18, 38, 44
touch and, 262
breaks, physical and mental breaks, 94–95, 122
break state, defined, 406, 413
breathing:
conflict and, 320, 334

deep breathing, 93–94, 113–114, 122, 127
meditation and, 129–130
nonverbal behaviors and, 210, 216
Cameron, Leslie, 45–46
Capra, Frank, 396
Carr, Ken, 313
cause-effect, 234, 236
change:
choices and, 41
in emotional states, 78–82
of habits, 33
metaphors supporting, 290–293, 296, 302
modeling and, 197
motivation and, 367
ripple effect of, 187
in self-concept, 139, 150–151, 153, 161
channels:
defined, 406
See also preferred representational systems/channels
choices:
appearance and, 294–295
beliefs and, 13, 132, 281–282
confidence and, 105
creativity and, 306, 351
critical inner voices and, 116
in emotional states, 78–82, 86
flexibility and, 40, 53, 186–193, 196, 350
freedom in, 39
in interactions, 36, 186–193
mind and, 44, 85
outcome frames and, 45
positive change and, 41
representational modalities and, 24
self-concept and, 144, 161
chunk size:
defined, 406
goals and, 47, 53, 55, 374
learning and, 40
Cialdini, Robert, 282

Cincinnati Children’s Hospital, 263
Circle of Excellence process, 5–8, 28
Clapton, Eric, 393
Clark, L. V., 92
collaboration:
Disney creativity strategy and, 316
key ideas, 351–353
well-formed outcome model of, 308–310, 351
commitments, voluntary nature of, 66
communication:
belief differences and, 279–280
conflict and, 320–321, 345–347
Conflict Integration Process and, 336–338
flexibility in, 186, 276
listening skills and, 262
local language and, 272–280
meaning defined by response to, 40, 164
meta-program preferences and, 276–277
preferred representational modalities and, 202, 206, 227, 245, 273, 274, 379
quality of, 40–41, 260
questions facilitating understanding, 229–234
redundancy of, 41, 202
technology and, 159, 359, 378
time differences and, 278–279
tips for uncharted territory, 268–272
toxic relationships and, 299
visual nature of, 206
See also persuasive communication
confidence:
amping up, 107–110
living in “the zone” and, 90
motivation and, 122
Navy SEALs training and, 110–114, 122, 127
optimism and, 105–107
conflict:
beliefs and, 279–280
creative problem solving and, 319–328
emotions and, 345–350, 351, 353
identifying, 327–328, 338
key ideas, 351–353

loosening up positions, 320–325, 326
meta-programs and, 248
See also inner conflict
Conflict Integration Process:
communication during, 336–338
inner conflict and, 328–336, 351
interactions and, 325–327
meta-outcomes and, 335–336, 342
negotiation compared to, 339–345, 352
confusion, recognizing, 73
congruence:
communication and, 202
defined, 406
flow state and, 57
harmonization of systems and, 41
interactions and, 260
outcome frames and, 44–45
well-formed outcomes and, 59
connections with others:
being good company, 161–165
brain and, 165–167
emotions and, 164, 188–191, 194
empathy and, 167–169
flexibility and, 186–193, 196–197
GGNEE and, 173–174
helping others feel safe, 175–176, 194
identifying ways other people are good company, 174–175
key ideas, 197–199
local language and, 272–280
mirroring and matching, 18, 176–179
perceptual positions and, 168–172, 176, 198
physical connection, 262–265
sense of being felt and, 180–186
structure of experience and, 160–161
tips for uncharted territory, 268–272
understanding and, 261
values and, 196
See also interactions
content:
defined, 406

as meta-program content domains, 247, 248–249, 254
context:
defined, 406
meta-programs and, 248
reframing and, 281
well-formed outcomes and, 371
context reframing, defined, 406
contradicting, 268, 280
Cornell School of Hotel Administration, 32
counter-examples:
beliefs and, 241
defined, 406
exceptions and, 34
overgeneralizations and, 134
self-concept and, 143–144, 147, 148, 153
Covey, Stephen, 375
creating a personal anchor, 28–31
creativity:
choices and, 306, 351
conflict and, 319–328
curiosity and, 284, 306
Disney creativity strategy, 312–319
interactions and, 350
key ideas, 351–353
resources and, 311–312
stress and, 127
untapped, 310–311
criteria:
defined, 406
language and, 233–234
Critic role, in Disney Creativity Strategy, 313, 314–315, 317
curiosity:
beliefs and, 241
conflict and, 319
creativity and, 284, 306
in interactions, 187, 193, 194, 225
maps of reality and, 223, 255
meta-programs and, 248
nonverbal behaviors and, 226–227
as preferred emotional state, 79–82

reframing and, 284
Curiosity Shunt Installation, 79–82
current coordinates, 363–366
decision-making, 135, 136–137, 152, 245
deletion:
autopilot and, 14, 38
defined, 406
generalization and, 15, 132
language and, 132–134, 152, 229
depression, 75–76, 82–84, 87
Dilts, Robert, 312, 313
disassociated experiences:
creativity and, 311–312
defined, 407
future worry and, 67
impartial observance of, 59–60, 85
inner voices and, 83
of memories, 59–60, 61, 64, 86, 385, 386
mental movies and, 62–63, 168, 169, 385, 389
procrastination and, 74
reviewing undesirable experience, 389
Discovery Activities:
Accessing Personal Resources, 5–8
Adding Elements to Your Self-Concept, 145–148
Amping Up Your Confidence, 107–110
Applying the “Conflict Integration” Process to One of Your Opportunities, 333–335
Applying the Disney Strategy to One of Your Opportunities, 318–319
Applying Your Discoveries About Someone Else’s World, 300
Creating a Personal Anchor, 28–31
Creating a Well-Formed Outcome, 53–56
Decreasing Resistance or Trauma, 96–99
Discovering Your Inner World, 19–22
Examining Ways You Get Stuck or Make Things Harder, 338
Exploring a Personal Belief, 240–242
Exploring Roots of Procrastination, 69–70
Exploring Someone’s Inner World, 254–256
Exploring Your Expectations, 91–92
Identifying Nonverbals from an Uncomfortable Situation, 213–215
Identifying One of Your Conflicts, 327–328

Identifying Something You Like About Yourself, 140–145
Identifying Ways Other People Are Good Company, 174–175
Identifying Ways That You’re Good Company, 162–165
Identifying Your Beliefs, 236
Recalling Nonverbals of a Positive Experience, 211–213
Recognizing Incongruence, 58–59
Reducing Internal Resistance, 74–75
Removing Negative Auditory Cues, 76–78
Strengthening Your Anchor, 119–120
Tinkering with Visual Distinctions, 61–65
Understanding Your Motivation, 101–103
Using Predicates of Preferred Channels, 274–275
Disney, Walt, 312–315, 351
Disney Creativity Strategy:Dilts on, 312–313
with groups, 315–317, 351
roles of, 313–315, 316, 317, 318–319, 351
Disney Institute, 315
distortion:
autopilot and, 14–15, 38
defined, 407
distraction, 70
domains:
defined, 407
as meta-program content domains, 247–248, 249, 254
Dotz, Tom, 34, 282–283
Dreads into Dreams Transformation Worksheet, 369
Dreamer role, in Disney Creativity Strategy, 313–314, 317
Durante, Jimmy, 56
ecology:
defined, 407
of goals, 49–50, 54
well-formed outcomes and, 371
educational level, first impressions, 173, 198
Einstein, Albert, 319, 324
Eliot, George, 126
Emerson, Ralph Waldo, 3, 206
emotional states:
changing, 78–82, 86
curiosity as preferred state, 79–82

inner barometer, 100
interactions of, 174
sub-modalities and, 65–67, 83–84, 261
triggers for, 79, 81, 86, 100
See also inner state
emotions:
behavior triggered by, 11, 160
beliefs and, 236
conflict and, 345–350, 351, 353
creating feelings, 10–12
emotional limits, 8–9
facial expressions and, 210
first impressions and, 173, 198
interactions and, 164, 188–191, 194, 380
maps of reality and, 39
memories and, 22
personal model of reality and, 25
versatility in difficult situations and, 188–191, 199
See also feelings
empathy, 167–169, 272, 297
energy:
confidence and, 110
as driver, 100–110, 122
generating, 104–105
increasing, 116–121
inner state and, 265–266
living in “the zone” and, 90, 93–96
physiology and, 93–96, 116, 122
positive inner dialogue and, 103
enhancing your self-concept, 140–148
enthusiasm:
as driver, 100–110, 122
generating energy and, 105
positive inner dialogue and, 103
rehearsing positive mental states, 117
environment, persuasive communication, 293–296
evidence:
absence of, 233–234
self-concept and, 141–142
well-formed outcomes and, 48–49, 54, 371

evolutional intervention, defined, 408
excellence:
amplifying excellence, 387
Circle of Excellence process, 5–8, 28
expectations:
autopilot and, 306–308, 320, 351
conflict and, 320
experience shaped by, 90, 122, 187
exploring, 91–92
impact on performance, 90–91, 93, 101, 116, 118, 121, 122
inner voices and, 116
in interactions, 187
self-concept and, 142–143
experience:
expectations shaping, 90, 122, 187
questions as tools for guiding, 271
structure of, 11, 38, 73, 85, 160–161, 160
See also associated experiences; disassociated experiences
external meta-program. See internal/external meta-program
external stimuli:
generalization and, 12–13
meaning of, 10, 11–12, 37, 38, 160
eye accessing cues, defined, 407
eye contact:
breaking rapport and, 219–220
interactions and, 180–182, 199, 261, 267
matching, 216
nonverbal behaviors and, 209, 212, 214
eye movement, 209–210, 214
Eye Movement Integration, 96–99, 122
facial expressions:
curiosity and, 226–227
inner conflict and, 228
matching, 216
nonverbal behaviors and, 210, 212, 214
failure, as feedback, 40, 106
feedback:
defined, 407
failure as, 40, 106

interactions and, 163–165, 193, 197, 215
setbacks as, 45–46
zooming out and, 225, 226
feelings:
beliefs and, 285, 289
conflict and, 328
creating, 10–12
inner conflict and, 329
memories and, 22, 32
motivation and, 68
persuasive communication and, 381
procrastination and, 69–70
showing you care how others feel, 184–185, 189–191, 192, 194–195, 197, 262, 282–283
well-formed outcomes and, 372
See also emotions
fight-or-flight instinct, 17, 127, 166, 197, 347, 351
first impressions:
assumptions and, 161
GGNEE and, 173–174, 198
helping others feel safe and, 184
personal filters and, 161, 173–174, 197
first position (“self”):
defined, 407
interactions and, 168, 172, 176, 198, 228, 297
five senses:
language of, 140
scanning of, 66
thinking and, 3, 4
See also representational modalities; sub-modalities
flexibility:
choices and, 40, 53, 186–193, 196, 350
in communication, 186, 276
curiosity and, 80
defined, 407
influence and, 165, 186
focus:
living in “the zone” and, 90, 116
questions for beginning of day, 86
short-term goal setting, 111–112
taking breaks and, 95

Ford, Henry, 134, 310, 385
Franklin, Benjamin, 268
future-oriented time orientation, 252
future pace, defined, 407
“the gaze,” 180–182, 209, 216
gender:
first impressions and, 173, 198
perceptual positions and, 172
generalization:
autopilot and, 12–13, 37, 288
beliefs and, 13, 37, 132, 134, 152, 288, 289
defined, 407
distortion and, 15
first impressions and, 173
self-concept as, 153
general/specific meta-program, 137, 153, 246, 247, 276
generation/age, first impressions, 173, 198
generative intervention, defined, 408
gestures:
breaking rapport and, 219
matching, 216, 217, 261, 380
nonverbal behaviors and, 208–209, 212, 214
Gladwell, Malcolm, 393
goals:
appreciation and, 375
chunk size and, 47, 53, 55, 374
creating inevitable success, 374
current coordinates and, 363–366
dreads into dreams, 368–369
goal-behind-the-goal, 242, 243, 257, 326, 351, 352
irresistible goals, 373
listening skills and, 382
meta-outcomes and, 242, 243, 257
motivation and, 367
outcome frames and, 45, 59
questions for beginning of day, 65–67, 86
short-term goal setting, 111–112
sub-modalities and, 66
values and, 382

well-formed outcomes and, 46, 47–56, 85, 242, 370–372, 376–377
Godiva Chocolate Process, 74–75
Goulston, Mark, 262
groups:
Disney creativity strategy and, 315–317, 351
matching in, 218–219
well-formed outcomes and, 310
gustatory mode, defined, 408
habits:
changing, 33
Navy SEALs training and, 111–114, 122, 127
nonverbal behaviors and, 207
positive intentions and, 286
hallucination, defined, 408
Hoobyar, Tom, legacy of, 399–403
hostage negotiations, 190, 262
hydration, 94, 122
hypnosis, 60
imitation, matching distinguished from, 176, 198, 216
immune system, 130
incongruence:
body language and, 206, 228
defined, 408
inner conflict and, 56, 57, 59, 85, 126, 227, 228, 229
interactions and, 174, 175
maps of reality and, 227–229, 257
personal signals of, 57, 58–59
resistance and, 95
self-concept and, 143, 144
Influence (Cialdini), 282
information:
as a meta-progam content domain, 247, 248, 249
recovering missing information with Meta Model, 229, 256, 261, 281
inner conflict:
Conflict Integration Process and, 328–336, 351
generalization and, 302
incongruence and, 56, 57, 59, 85, 126, 227, 228, 229
See also conflict

inner enemies, 39, 286
inner state:
management of, 37, 195, 206, 265–268
nonverbal behaviors and, 206, 207, 217
See also emotional states
inner voices:
auditory cues and, 75–78
confidence and, 105, 114, 127
counter-examples and, 147
curiosity and, 80
depression and, 83
emotional states and, 79
positive inner dialogue, 103
silencing critical inner voices, 115–116, 117, 122
insecurity, in interactions, 174, 175, 267
“Inside the Mind of Worry” (Ropeik), 166
installation, defined, 408
intention:
conscious breathing and, 93
defined, 408
interactions and, 192–193, 266–267
motivation and, 68
nonverbal behaviors and, 218, 220
perceptual positions and, 170–172, 297
procrastination and, 69, 72
See also positive intention
interactions:
applying discoveries, 300
being good company, 161, 162–165, 213, 215
brain and, 165–167, 197
choices in, 36, 186–193
conflict and, 320–328
creativity and, 350
disengagement signals, 185–186
empathy and, 167–169, 172
encouraging discussion, 268–270
eye contact and, 180–182, 199, 261, 267
feedback and, 163–165, 193, 197, 215
helping others feel safe, 175–176, 194
identifying ways other people are good company, 174–175

incongruence and, 174, 175
perceptual positions and, 168–172, 176, 185, 192–193, 198, 228, 267, 297
sense of being felt and, 180–186, 197, 198, 262, 267, 271, 350
versatility in difficult situations, 188–191, 199
See also connections with others
interest, in interactions, 187, 261, 266–267
internal/external meta-program, 137, 153, 246, 247, 277
interruptions, 268, 280
It’s a Wonderful Life (film), 396
It’s a Wonderful Life worksheet, 397
Jefferson, Thomas, 268
Johnson, Magic, 393
Johnson, Samuel, 360
Just Listen (Goulston), 262
Kafka, Franz, 117
Kanter, Rosabeth Moss, 306
Keller, Helen, 105
kinesthetic mode:
anchors and, 29–31, 32, 119–120
communication in, 202, 227, 275, 379
defined, 408
language and, 245
thinking and, 23, 24
Kornfield, Jack, 159
language:
absence of criteria or evidence, 233–234
beliefs and, 261, 272
deep structure of, 132–134, 152, 205
effect with no known cause, 234
individual preferences and, 134–139, 221
local language, 272–280, 301
lost performer and, 233–234
maps of reality and, 202, 229–234
matching and, 267
meta-programs and, 135, 136, 244, 245–249, 257, 261, 272
nominalizations and, 231–232
predicates and, 138–139

representational modalities and, 23, 38, 39, 244–253, 257, 261, 272–280
time and, 244, 254, 257, 261, 272
understanding and, 221–223
universals and, 232
unspecified nouns and verbs, 230–231
words of necessity and, 133, 233
See also body language; paralanguage
lead system, defined, 408
learning:
accelerating learning, 388–389
chunk size and, 40
confidence in, 108, 120–121
self-concept and, 144, 145, 153
LeDoux, Joseph, 166
limbic system, 206
Lippmann, Walter, 220
listening skills:
communication and, 262
rapport and, 378–379, 382
stories and, 292
values and, 382
living in “the zone”:
confidence and, 105–110
congruence and, 57
energy, enthusiasm, and optimism as drivers, 100–110
expectations and, 90–92
Eye Movement Integration, 96–99, 122
increasing energy and productivity, 116–121
inner voices and, 115–116
key ideas, 122–123
mental rehearsal and, 92–93
Navy SEALs training tips, 110–114, 122
physiology and energy link, 93–96
roadblock removal and, 96
location, as domain, 247, 248, 249
locomotion, nonverbal behaviors, 210
lost performative (lost performer):
defined, 408
language and, 233–234

Mandela, Nelson, 348
maps of reality:
appearance and, 302
beliefs and, 39, 221, 234–242, 255, 257, 279, 285, 301
defined, 408
exploration of, 254–256
identification of, 39
interaction and, 221–223
language and, 202, 229–234
and representational modalities, 38–39
responses to, 39, 221
second position and, 222–223
slowing down, 227–229, 257
structure of experience and, 160, 197
zooming in, 223–224
zooming out, 225–227
matching:
body language and, 204, 214, 217, 380
breaking rapport and, 219–220
connections with others and, 176–179
defined, 409
in groups, 218–219
imitation distinguished from, 176, 198, 216
nonverbal behaviors and, 215–219, 256, 261, 267, 380
match/mismatch meta-program, 137, 153, 246
McDonald, Robert, 170
meaning:
breakthrough mind and, 391
defined by response to communication, 40, 164
of external stimuli, 10, 11–12, 37, 38, 160
gaps in, 221–223, 261
molecules of, 61, 84
of nonverbal behaviors, 207, 211
questions facilitating understanding, 229–234
reframing and, 281
meditation, 128–130, 145
Mehrabian, Albert, 206, 211
memories:
anchors and, 29–30, 32
creativity and, 312

disassociated experience of, 59–60, 61, 64, 86, 385, 386
feelings and, 22, 32
generalization of, 288
limiting memories, 392
mental coding of, 385–386
personal model of reality and, 24–26, 33, 38
self-concept and, 142, 144, 147
sub-modalities and, 86
mental limits, 8–9, 391–392
mental movies:
associated experiences and, 62–64, 168, 385, 389
disassociated experiences and, 62–63, 168, 169, 385, 389
goals and, 50, 373
as loop, 285
nonverbal behaviors and, 212, 213
slowing down, 72–73, 81, 86, 100
visual mode and, 62
mental rehearsal, 92–93, 116, 117–118, 122, 388
Meta Model:
defined, 409
recovering missing information with, 229, 256, 261, 281
self-concept and, 131, 132–134, 138, 152
meta-outcomes:
beliefs and, 242–244, 261
conflict and, 326, 327, 328, 334, 335, 351
Conflict Integration Process and, 335–336, 342
defined, 409
goals and, 242, 243, 257, 326, 351, 352, 382
negotiations and, 342–345
self-concept and, 149
well-formed outcome and, 48, 50, 54, 371
metaphors:
appearance and, 293–294
beliefs and, 238–239
defined, 409
supporting change, 290–293, 296, 302
meta-programs:
behavior and, 136, 254
content domains, 247, 248–249, 254
defined, 409

examples of, 137, 152–153, 246
goals and, 367
language and, 135, 136, 244, 245–249, 257, 261, 272
preferred representational channels and, 221, 245–249, 254, 255–256, 276–277, 301
self-concept and, 131, 134–138, 149, 152, 221
Middleton, Rick, 173
mind:
anchors and, 26–28, 32
auditory cues and, 75–76, 82–84
body and, 41, 66–67, 93–96
breakthrough mind, 391–392
choices and, 44, 85
creativity and, 44, 85
emotional states and, 78–82
mental rehearsal and, 92–93
motivation and, 67–68
outcome frames and, 44–53
procrastination and, 69–75
sub-modalities and, 61–67, 84–85
thinking and, 17, 18, 38, 44
mind reading:
beliefs and, 234–242
conflict and, 338
defined, 409
details and, 221–223
key ideas, 256–257
language and, 202, 205, 221–223, 244–253, 257
maps of reality and, 220–221
meta-outcomes and, 242–244
nonverbal behaviors and, 202, 205, 206, 207–220, 256, 257
zooming in, 223–224, 256
zooming out, 225–227, 256
mirroring:
connections with others and, 176–179, 181
defined, 409
in groups, 219
nonverbal behaviors and, 212, 215, 219, 261
rapport and, 177–179, 198, 205
modality, defined, 410
modal operators, defined, 409

modeling:
change and, 197
creativity and, 312
defined, 410
learning from, 40
monochronic time orientation, 250–251
Montapert, Alfred A., 356
motivation:
beliefs and, 242–244
enthusiasm and, 100–103
generating energy, 104–105
goals and, 367
inner conflict and, 330–331
meta-programs and, 135, 136–137, 245, 383
mind and, 67–68
Navy SEALs training tips, 110–114, 122
persuasive communication and, 383
procrastination and, 75
rehearsing positive mental states, 117–118, 123
understanding, 101–103
motivation direction (meta-program):
defined, 410
See also meta-programs
names, 270
nationality/ethnicity, first impressions and, 173, 198
Navy SEALs training, 110–114, 122, 127
negotiation:
Conflict Integration Process compared to, 339–345, 352
meta-outcomes and, 342–345
process of, 339–340, 352
tips for, 340–342
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP):
defined, 410
evolution of, 36–37
options for additional development, 358–360
presuppositions of, 37–41, 45, 151, 186, 357
thinking and, 3–4
tools of, 34, 261, 340, 356–358
See also Discovery Activities

NLP: The New Technology of Achievement, 5, 361
nominalizations:
defined, 410
language and, 231–232
nonverbal behaviors:
cues in, 206–207, 211, 212, 213, 217, 219, 220, 226–227
examples of, 207–211
in groups, 218–219
incongruence and, 228, 257
interaction and, 184, 205
maps of reality and, 202, 256
matching and, 215–219, 256, 261, 267, 380
meaning of, 207, 211
positive experience of, 211–213
rapport and, 210, 216–218, 225
time orientation and, 250
uncomfortable situations and, 213–216
See also body language; and specific nonverbal behaviors
observer position:
defined, 410, 414
as third position, 169, 172, 185
O’Connor, Joseph, 135
olfactory mode, defined, 410
optimism:
confidence and, 105–107
as driver, 100–110
generating energy and, 105
in interactions, 187, 192, 193
positive inner dialogue and, 103
rehearsing positive mental states, 117, 118
options/procedures meta-program, 136, 137, 152, 246
“other” position:
defined, 410, 412
as second position, 169, 172, 176
outcome frames:
explanation of, 45–46
goals and, 45, 59
mind and, 44–53
outcomes, defined, 45, 410

Outlier (Gladwell), 393
overgeneralizations, 134, 152
pace, nonverbal behaviors, 210
pacing, defined, 410
panic management, 127
paralanguage:
defined, 411
inner conflict and, 228
matching, 216, 217, 261, 378
nonverbal behaviors and, 211, 212, 214
questions and, 230
Park, Rosa, 68
parroting, 270
parts, defined, 411
past-oriented time orientation, 252
peak performance:
accelerating learning, 388–389
amplifying excellence, 387
appreciation, 396–398
breakthrough mind, 391–392
encouraging peak performance, 390
practice of loving what you do, 393–395
resources and, 385–386
people, as a meta-program content domain, 247, 248, 249
perceptions, beliefs altering, 13
perceptual filters:
defined, 411
meta-programs as, 135
perceptual positions:
defined, 411
intentional use of, 170–172, 297
interactions and, 168–172, 176, 185, 192–193, 198, 228, 267, 297
See also first position (“self”); second position; third position
performance:
impact of expectations on, 90–91, 93, 101, 116, 118, 121, 122
mental rehearsal and, 92–93, 122
See also peak performance
personal appearance, 294–295
personal filters:

creativity and, 311
first impressions and, 161, 173–174, 197
personal possessions, 295–296
personal space requirements, 179, 199, 207–208
persuasive communication:
appearance and environment, 293–296, 302
appreciation and, 384
beliefs and, 284–289
feelings and, 381
heartfelt values and, 382
inner state and, 266–267
key concepts, 301–303
life mission and, 376–377
local language and, 272–280, 301
metaphors and stories, 290–293, 296, 302
motivation and, 383
physical alignment and, 380
rapport and, 202, 272, 302, 378–379, 382
reframing and, 280–284
tips for uncharted territory, 268–272
toxic relationships and, 296–299, 302
See also communication
physiological response, nonverbal behaviors, 210
physiology, and energy, 93–96, 116, 122
place, as a meta-program content domain, 247, 248, 249
point of view:
agreeing with, 268
beliefs and, 241
conflict and, 328
negotiation and, 344–345
polychronic time orientation, 250–251
Pomodoro Technique, 94–95, 122
positive intention:
behavior based on, 39, 196
beliefs embodying, 240, 286, 287, 288, 301
interactions and, 192–193, 196–197
See also intention
posture:
breaking rapport and, 219
curiosity and, 226–227

inner conflict and, 228
matching, 216, 217, 261
nonverbal behaviors and, 208, 211, 214
Potterat, Eric, 111
practice, 393–395
predicates:
defined, 411
matching, 302
mirroring, 374
preferred representational channels and, 138–139, 153, 272, 273, 274–275
self-concept and, 131, 138–139, 153
preferred representational systems/channels:
adapting to, 273, 378
defined, 408, 411
interactions and, 253–256
language and, 244–245, 254, 257
local language and, 272–280, 301
meta-programs and, 221, 245–249, 254, 255–256, 276–277, 301
predicates and, 138–139, 153, 272, 273, 274–275
thinking and, 23, 38
time and, 249–253, 255
See also auditory mode; kinesthetic mode; visual mode
presentation training, 32
present-oriented time orientation, 252–253
presuppositions (in NLP), defined, 412
proactive/reactive meta-program, 135, 137, 153, 246, 247, 277
procedures meta-program. See options/procedures meta-program
procedures-oriented, 136
process words, 378, 379
procrastination:
example of, 70–71
getting unstuck from, 67–68
resistance and, 69, 74–75
roots of, 69–73
slow motion image of, 72–73
productivity:
increasing, 116–121
living in “the zone” and, 90
questions for beginning of day, 86
taking breaks and, 94–95, 122

questions:
for beginning of day, 65–67, 86
beliefs and, 242–244, 301
conflict and emotions, 345–346, 348
connections with others and, 267–272
directing thinking with, 281
maps of reality and, 223, 227–228, 255
reframing and, 282, 284
sense of being felt and, 182–184
showing you care how others feel, 184–185, 189–191, 192, 194, 198
understanding facilitated by, 229–234
understanding someone’s belief, 285–286
well-formed outcomes and, 46–53, 85, 309, 310, 371–372
“why” questions, 268–269, 270
rapport:
assumptions and, 222
breaking rapport, 219–220
defined, 412
encouraging discussion and, 268–270
incongruence and, 229
listening skills and, 378–379, 382
meta-programs and, 272
mirroring and matching, 177–179, 198, 205
nonverbal behaviors and, 210, 216–218, 225
persuasive communication and, 202, 272, 302, 378–379, 382
physical alignment and, 380
zooming out and, 225
rate of speech, matching, 198, 214, 217, 261, 378
reactive meta-program. See proactive/reactive meta-program
Realist role, in Disney Creativity Strategy, 313, 314, 317
reality:
personal model of, 4, 18, 19–22, 24–26, 33, 38, 39
See also maps of reality
reflecting back, 183
reframing:
defined, 412
process of, 280–284
relationships:
meta-program preferences and, 277

NLP concepts and, 35–36
toxic relationships, 296–299, 302, 350
See also connections with others; interactions
The Relaxation Response (Benson), 128
rep modes. See representational modalities
representational modalities:
anchors and, 27
defined, 412
language and, 23, 38, 39, 244–253, 257, 261, 272–280
maps of reality and, 38–39
self-concept and, 141–142
structure of experience and, 85
thinking and, 22–26
as triggers, 35
See also preferred representational systems/channels; sub-modalities
resistance:
decreasing resistance or trauma, 96–99, 116–117
Eye Movement Integration, 96–99, 122
incongruence and, 95
procrastination and, 69, 74–75
reducing internal resistance, 74–75
resources:
accessing personal resources, 5–8, 40
creativity and, 311–312
defined, 412
peak performance and, 385–386
toxic relationships and, 296–299
well-formed outcomes and, 52, 55, 372
resource state, defined, 412
responsibilities, voluntary nature of, 66
Ropeik, David, 166
safety:
amygdala and, 113, 127
auditory cues and, 77–78
beliefs and, 240
helping others feel safe, 159, 167, 175–176, 194, 198, 199, 206, 262, 267, 269
nonverbal behaviors and, 213, 261
personal feelings of, 9
positive intention and, 39

sense of being felt and, 180–186, 198, 262, 267, 271, 350
Sama Veda, 44
second position (“other”):
defined, 410, 412
incongruence and, 228
interactions and, 169, 172, 176, 198
maps of reality and, 222–223
nonverbal behaviors and, 215
toxic relationships and, 297
zooming out and, 225–227
self-concept:
adding elements to, 145–148
beliefs and, 131, 132–134, 138, 149, 152
changing, 139, 150–151, 153, 161
core selves, 131
durability of, 143
example of self-concept work, 149–150
fluidity of, 143
identifying something you like about yourself, 140–145
impact of, 139
key ideas, 152–153
meta-programs and, 131, 134–138, 149, 152, 221
as prototype, 153
stress reduction and, 126–130, 152
self-position:
defined, 412
as first position, 168, 172
See also first position (“self”)
self-talk, 109, 110
See also inner voices
sensory acuity, defined, 412
sensory based, defined, 413
sensory input:
brain and, 22, 37
interpretation of, 10
sensory modalities, defined, 413
separator state, defined, 413
setbacks, as feedback, 45–46
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (Covey), 375
Seymour, John, 135

Shaw, George Bernard, 202
shifting sub-modalities, 61
shyness, 33, 171, 175–176, 266
silence, 211, 224
six-step reframing, defined, 413
sliding anchors, 119
slowing down:
breathing, 93
meditation and, 128
mental movies, 72–73, 81, 86, 100
questions facilitating understanding and, 231
resistance and, 95
thinking, 5, 11, 15, 20, 23, 24, 137
understanding maps of reality and, 227–229, 257
understanding someone’s belief, 286
small wins, 120–121, 123
spatial anchors, 28, 32
specific meta-program. See general/specific meta-program
Springsteen, Bruce, 393
state:
defined, 413
See also emotional states; inner state
stereotypes:
assumptions and, 160–161, 173–174, 193
conflict and, 325
stimulus-response, defined, 413
Stone, W. Clement, 47
stories:
appearance and, 293–294
supporting change, 290–293, 296, 302
Strategies of Genius (Dilts), 312
strategy, defined, 413
stress:
panic management, 127
prevention of, 128–130
reduction, 112, 126–130
self-concept and, 126–130, 152
sub-modalities:
confidence and, 108
defined, 413

emotional state and, 65–67, 83–84, 102, 112, 261
enthusiasm and, 100
expectations and, 121
fine-tuning, 84–85, 86, 87, 118
goals and, 66
mind and, 61–67, 84–86
motivation and, 122
peak performance and, 387, 392
practice of loving what you do and, 393–394
as qualities within modalities, 61, 86
rehearsing positive mental states, 118, 123
self-concept and, 140–142, 146–147
of visual mode, 61–65, 86, 109
of auditory mode, 65, 109
of kinesthetic mode, 65, 109
success, victory list, 106–107, 112, 118
swish:
Auditory Swish, 75–76, 78, 81, 82, 116, 122
defined, 413
Swish Pattern, 390
Visual Swish, 81
synchronicities:
interactions and, 178–179, 181, 198, 202
nonverbal behaviors and, 212, 214, 216, 217, 219
technology:
communication and, 159, 359, 378
demands of, 375
things, as domain, 247, 248, 249
thinking:
anchors and, 26–28
autopilot and, 12–15
body and, 15–16, 38
brain and, 16, 18, 38, 44
creating feelings and, 10–12
key ideas, 37–41
mind and, 17, 18, 38, 44
questions directing, 281
representational modalities and, 22–26
as sensory-based, 3, 4

slowing down, 5, 11, 15, 20, 23, 24, 137
thought patterns, 4, 9
thought processes, 8–10, 18, 20, 23, 32–35
third position (“observer”):
defined, 414
interactions and, 169, 172, 185, 192–193, 198, 267
nonverbal behaviors and, 212, 214, 215
persuasive communication and, 292
zooming out and, 225–227, 256
Thoreau, Henry David, 260
3 P’s (personal, pervasive, permanent), 83, 87
time:
adapting to time differences, 278–279, 301
cultural time orientation, 250–251
future-oriented 252–253
language and, 244, 254, 257, 261, 272
negotiation and, 341, 342, 352
past-oriented 252–253
present-oriented 252–253
research on, 251–253
through time and in time, 249–250, 278–279
tone of voice:
as anchor, 32, 35
inner voices, 116
matching, 176, 214, 261, 378
as paralanguage, 211, 212
touch:
as anchor, 29, 30, 31, 32, 105, 119, 172, 265
connections with others and, 179
nonverbal behaviors and, 209, 212, 214
physical connection and, 262–265, 267
as trigger, 35
Touch Research Institute, University of Miami School of Medicine, 262–263
toward/away-from meta-program
adapting to preferences, 276–277
focus on, 136, 152
goals and, 367, 368, 383
interactions and, 247
questions answered by, 137, 246
toxic relationships, 296–299, 302, 350

Tracy, Brian, 90
tribal thinking, 237
Trickey, Keith V., 316
triggers:
anchors as, 35
beliefs and, 133
for emotional states, 79, 81, 86, 100
for procrastination, 73
21-day guide:
goals, 363–375
peak performance program, 385–398
persuasive communication, 376–384
using, 361–362
understanding:
beliefs and, 285–286, 288
conflict and, 347
connections with others and, 261
gaps in, 221–223, 261
interactions and, 195
listening skills and, 378
local language and, 272–273
questions facilitating, 229–234
slowing down, 227–229, 257, 286
zooming in, 223–224
zooming out, 225–227
universal quantifiers:
defined, 414
language and, 232
using metaphors, 290
values:
conflict in, 56, 85, 227
congruence and, 57
heartfelt values, 382
interactions and, 196
self-concept and, 131
time orientation and, 251
Vance, Mike, 313
victory list, 106–107, 112, 118, 123

visualization, 92–93, 122, 388
visual mode:
communication in, 202, 206, 227, 273, 274, 379
defined, 414
language and, 245
sub-modalities of, 61–65, 86
thinking and, 23, 24
Visual Swish, 81
Walt Disney Company, 313–319
well-formed outcomes:
collaboration and, 308–310, 351
congruence and, 59
creating, 53–56
creativity and, 310
defined, 414
goals and, 46, 47–56, 85, 242, 370–372, 376–377
questions involved in, 46–53, 85, 309, 310, 371–372
worksheet for, 54–55, 371–372
words of necessity, 133, 233
Wright, Frank Lloyd, 393
Zimbardo, Phil, 251–252
zone. See living in “the zone”
zooming in, 223–224, 256
zooming out:
appreciation, 396
interactions and, 225–227, 256, 267
persuasive communication and, 292, 301
warning signals for disengagement, 185–186, 198

About the Authors

Tom Dotz is a real entrepreneur. That means he’s experienced business and life from every side. He’s
ridden the rocketing financial start-up bubble, and had it explode along with the rest of his life. He
knows a brilliant business plan with the best financing can evaporate through no fault of your own. He
knows you need resilience. When Tom took his first NLP training, he was so impressed that he
founded the NLP Institute of California. Using NLP to market NLP, he created a powerhouse
community and grew it to the largest organization of its kind in the U.S. in just four years. Now the
owner of NLP Comprehensive, he leads the design of programs and products for real-life problems
and opportunities.
Tom Hoobyar, NLP Master Practitioner, engineer, and high tech CEO, used his NLP skills and life
experience to help individuals and businesses grow. He held thirty-seven patents in the biotech
industry, including the original Radial-Diaphragm valve, as founding CEO and marketing strategist
for ASEPCO, Inc. He took even more delight in his accomplishments as a happily married family man
with three adult kids and seven grandchildren. He founded the NLP Café, and the international NLP
Alumni study group. Through the NLP Café he conducted advanced programs in NLP for fifteen years,
and served on the board of NLP Comprehensive, a world-leader in NLP training.
Susan Sanders helps organizations make learning and working easier, fun, and more meaningful. Her
understanding of how people “work,” love of words, attention to beliefs and metaphor, and unique
ability to organize ideas distinguish her approach and ability to create lasting change. A decade-long
study of NLP enables Susan to integrate NLP concepts and strategies into writing and editing,
instructional design, and training delivery.
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors.

Praise for NLP: The Essential Guide to Neuro-Linguistic Programming
“In our fifty years of publishing important works on self-improvement, NLP Comprehensive’s programs have been among our most wellregarded and bestselling. This new book NLP: The Essential Guide continues that fine tradition. It is a pleasure to recommend it.”
—Vic Conant, president, Nightingale-Conant
“NLP: The Essential Guide is a richly personal journey. You’ll enjoy the anecdotes as you’re guided through exploring how applying the
principles and teachings of NLP anywhere and everywhere can make life easier and happier. A unique introduction to NLP where you
will experience NLP not so much as a set of concepts, but alive and living.”
—Connirae Andreas, author of Core Transformation
“This is a book written to teach the reader ‘how-to’ put the principles of NLP into practice. It was written by two of the most interesting
and passionate NLP practitioners in the world. This comes across in a fashion that makes it easy reading and ‘real’ learning, i.e. the
explanations and exercises impart new and useful skills. It will teach a serious reader the nuts and bolts of the ‘operating software’ with
which the mind works while dramatically improving their lives and communications with other people. It’s one of the best introductions
into learning NLP in print.”
—Frank Bourke, president and founder,
NLP Research & Recognition Project
“A well-organized, practical guide to making NLP work in your life, the personal stories make it easy to relate to and bring the book
alive.”
—Joseph O’Connor, author of Introducing NLP,
The NLP Workbook, and Coaching with NLP
“There must already be at least two hundred introductions to NLP, including our own book, Heart of the Mind, published twenty-three
years ago. Why yet another? What is special about this book is that the authors apply the patterns and methods in many different areas
of their own lives—thoroughly, and with care and creativity. It may seem a bit wandering at times, but the journey always ends with a
heartwarming and human resolution.”
—Steve Andreas, author and publisher of the NLP Classics
“Tom and Tom can explain anything and make it clear, motivating and doable. I highly recommend this book. Great stories and techniques
to live your life by.”
—Shelle Rose Charvet, author of Words That Change Minds
While there are many excellent technical introductions to NLP. NLP: The Essential Guide to Neuro-Linguistic Programming is instead
a personal journey of using and applying NLP in real everyday life, to the ups and downs, to other people and with one’s self. As you
read it, you’ll find yourself thinking in new ways and applying the techniques to your own personal challenges and opportunities.
In addition to the book, we have created a special website where we have online examples and demonstrations of everything in the
book and more. You’ll find links to it throughout the book, and we will be adding to it as you request. This is also an online community and
support system. It’s a place where you can ask questions and get answers.
NLP Comprehensive:
Founded in 1979, NLP Comprehensive has been at the leading edge of NLP ever since. From developing training to publishing, the
company has maintained a reputation for the highest quality throughout its endeavors. To date it has published over fifty NLP titles
including Nightingale-Conant’s highly popular NLP: The New Technology of Achievement. Most recently it has compiled and published
to rave reviews its thirty years of training experience in the form of the “Portable NLP Practitioner Training,” a thirty-seven-DVDbased home study program. For these and other titles from NLP Comprehensive, go to www.nlpco.com.

Praise for NLP Comprehensive
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the best I have experienced, head and shoulders above the quality of trainers and content offered elsewhere.”
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As a result, I have built a 6-figure coaching practice which is improving the lives of thousands. I consider it required curriculum

for life.”
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“[After my Practitioner Training] you can imagine how eager I was to learn even more NLP to enhance my skills even further. I
made the mistake of signing up for training with several different organizations because they happened to fit my schedule at the
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—Mary Miscisin, M.S., Sacramento, California

Copyright

The NLP 21-Day Guide is adapted, with permission from NLP Comprehensive, from NLP: The New Technology of Achievement, ©
1994 by NLP Comprehensive.
NLP: THE ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO NEURO-LINGUISTIC PROGRAMMING. Copyright © 2013 by NLP Comprehensive. All rights
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of HarperCollins ebooks.
FIRST EDITION
ISBN 978-0-06-208361-6
Epub Edition © FEBRUARY 2013 ISBN:9780062083623
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OV/RRD

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About the Publisher

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NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) has helped millions to overcome their fears, increase their confidence, and achieve greater success in their personal and professional lives and relationships. Now, from the company that created NLP: The New Technology of Achievement--one of the bestselling NLP books of all time--comes NLP: The Essential Guide to Neuro-Linguistic Programming.
This user-friendly guide, written by three seasoned NLP Master Practitioners and coaches, leads you on a personal journey in using and applying NLP in everyday life. Through their real-life stories, you will experience the NLP strategies you need to achieve specific results in business and in life.
As you read NLP: The Essential Guide, you'll find yourself thinking in new ways and applying the techniques to your own personal challenges and opportunities for greater satisfaction.
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