The Asshole Survival Guide

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Contents
TitlePage
Contents
Copyright
Dedication
EightThousandEmails
AssholeAssessment:HowBadistheProblem?
MakeaCleanGetaway
AssholeAvoidanceTechniques:ReducingYourExposure
MindTricksThatProtectYourSoul
FightingBack
BePartoftheSolution,NottheProblem
YourStoriesandIdeas
Acknowledgments
Notes
Index
AbouttheAuthor
ConnectwithHMH
Copyright©2017byRobertI.Sutton
Allrightsreserved
Forinformationaboutpermissiontoreproduceselectionsfromthisbook,writeto
trade.permissions@hmhco.comortoPermissions,HoughtonMifflinHarcourtPublishingCompany,3Park
Avenue,19thFloor,NewYork,NewYork10016.
www.hmhco.com
LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataisavailable.
ISBN978-1-328-69591-8
Coverdesign:MichaelaSullivan
Coverphotographs©GettyImages
Illustrationonpage90redrawnbyChloeFosterfromamodelprovidedbytheauthor.
eISBN978-1-328-69592-5
v1.0817
ToEve,Claire,andTyler.
Thanksforyourlaughterandlove.
1
EightThousandEmails
IWROTETHISBOOKtoansweraquestionthatI’vebeenaskedthousandsoftimes.
Ittakesdifferentforms,buttheessenceis:“Iamdealingwithanasshole(ora
bunchofthem).Helpme!WhatshouldIdo?”Considerafewexamplesfrommy
dailydoseofassholeemails:
Fromaphysicianata“deeplydysfunctional”hospitalwith“themost
insensitiveteamchiefimaginable”:
Whatisanunderlingtodo?Icanputmyheaddown,takecareofmy
patientsasbestIcan,andtrytoignorethecruelty,butitisdemoralizing
toworkinsuchanenvironment.
ALutheranpastorinIllinoiswrites:
Agreatdealoftheworkinourchurchisdonebynon-paidindividuals
who,attimes,hurtthefeelingsoffellowvolunteers.Doyouhaveany
thoughtsonwhattodowithmeanpeoplewhovolunteertheirtime?
AretiredGermanmanufacturingmanagerasks:
InmyworkinglifeIhavebeenfiredatleastthreetimesthroughthe
doingoftheArseholes,“Salecons,”Arschlöcher,Stronziandtheirlike.
WhatadvicedoIgivemysonsohedoesn’tsufferthesamefate?
ASiliconValleyCEOwrites:
WithsomanystartupsandsomanyVentureCapitalistswholack
operationalexperiencesittingonboards,Iwaswonderingifyouhave
doneanyworkorthinkingaboutboardholes(individualbadboard
members)orentirelydysfunctionalboardswhichonemightcall
“doucheboards.”
AndfromalibrarianinWashington,DC:
Iamknee-deepinRussianassholes.Help!
Someoneasksmeaversionofthisquestionprettymucheveryday.Itarrives
inthoseemailsandviaTwitter,LinkedIn,andFacebooktoo.Students,
colleagues,clients,friends,enemies,andrelativesaskitatgatheringsincluding
classes,facultymeetings,weddings,andfunerals.StrangerscallmyStanford
officeaboutonceaweektoaskit.I’vebeenaskedforsurvivaltipsfromcashiers
atCostcoandWalgreens,nursesanddoctorsattheClevelandClinicand
StanfordHospital,flightattendantsfromairlinesincludingAirFranceand
United,constructionworkersinSanFranciscoandIdaho,UberdriversinDubai
andSanFrancisco,subwayridersinNewYorkCityandBARTridersinSan
Francisco,U.S.MarinesinAfghanistan,aprisonguardinTexas,several
Catholicpriests,aJewishcantor(andacantor’swife),fiftyorsolawyers,andat
leastadozenCEOs.Inrecentmonths,I’vehearditfromasurgeoninNewYork,
thedeanofstudentsatasmallliberalartsuniversity,aU.S.Armypsychologist,
agroupofundergraduatesinaFrenchuniversity(viaSkype),aStanfordpolice
sergeant,mybarberWoody,andevenmymother.
It’snomysterywhytheykeepasking.ItallstartedwhenIwroteTheNo
AssholeRulein2007(andarelatedessayforHarvardBusinessReviewafew
yearsbefore).Iassumedthatthisassholestuffwouldbeabriefsidetripand,
withinayearorso,Iwouldreturntomyworkonleadership,innovation,and
organizationalchange.Iwaswrong.Thatlittlebooktouchedanerve.Ittookme
afewyearstoacceptthat—nomatterwhatelseIwriteinmylifeoranyother
impactmyotherworkhas—Iwillalwaysbeknownfirstandforemostas“The
AssholeGuy.”SomeeighthundredthousandreadersintheUnitedStatesand
dozensofothercountriesboughtacopyofTheNoAssholeRule—farmorethan
myotherbooks.Thesteadystreamofemails,socialmedia,traditionalpress
inquiries,anddisturbing,weird,orfunnyconversationsaboutallthingsasshole
havebecomepartsofmylifethatIexpect,(usually)enjoy,andtrytohandle
withcompassionandgoodcheer.
ManyreadersweredrawntoTheNoAssholeRulebecausetheywerebesieged
byjerkswholeftthemfeelinglikedirt—andtheysoughtrelief.Itdoeshavea
chapteron“WhenAssholesReign:TipsforSurvivingNastyPeopleand
Workplaces.”Themainfocusofthatbook,however,wasonbuildingcivilized
workplaces—notondealingwithassholes.TheAssholeSurvivalGuideis
devotedtostrategiesandtipsthatenablepeopletoescapefrom,endure,battle,
andforceoutbullies,backstabbers,andarses.
Idevelopedthesestrategiesandtipsovertheyears.NomatterwhatIwas
“supposedto”beworkingonduringthepastdecade,Ispentanhourortwomost
daysthinking,reading,talking,andwritingaboutassholesandtheirantidotes
and—nowandthen—observingrudeorabusivepeopleintheirnaturalhabitats.
TheresultisTheAssholeSurvivalGuide,whichprovidesthebestadviceIcan
musterabouthowtodealwithpeoplewholeaveothersfeelingoppressed,
demeaned,disrespected,orde-energized.Ifocusontheworkplace.Butthe
lessonsherearepertinenttoassholeproblemsfacedbyvolunteersatnonprofits
andschools;tojerksinchurches,temples,andmosques;andtorudebehaviorin
publicplacessuchassubways,airports,malls,andsportsstadiums.
Thestrategiesandtipshereareshapedbyscholarlyresearchondemeaning
anddisrespectfulpeople—whichhasgrownlikecrazyinrecentyears.Google
Scholarisaspecializedsearchengineforscholarlybooksandarticles;it’s
becomethegoldstandardthatacademicsusetofindrigoroustheoryand
research.AGoogleScholarsearchon“abusivesupervision”between2008and
2016returns4,910scholarlyarticlesandbooks.“Abusivecustomers”returns
282,“rudeness”16,000,“incivility”15,500,“bullying”140,000,“workplace
bullying”11,800,“mobbingatwork”2,900,“roadrage”6,680,“airrage”369,
“phonerage”92,“verbalaggression”16,500,and“microaggression”2,190.Yet
myadviceisn’tmeanttoreflectanexhaustiveandunbiasedsummaryof
scientificresearchonhowtodealwithjerks.Thesefindingsareinstructive,but
farfromdefinitiveandcomplete.Assholesurvivalremainsmoreofacraftor
skillthanascience.
Solessonsfromthesestudiesareblendedwithstoriesandsolutionsfromless
scholarlysources.TheAssholeSurvivalGuidedrawsonassortedcornersofthe
worldandtheWorldWideWeb—rangingfromtheNewYorkTimestoDavid
Kendrick’ssuperbpostononlinebehavior,“WhatMakesaFuckhead?”Ialso
weaveinlessonsfrommyobservationsandoriginalinterviews—includingwork
asaconsultantandspeakeratvariedorganizations(e.g.,Amazon,Wal-Mart,
Gallup,Google,luxurygoodspurveyorLVMH,KIPPschools,McKinsey,
Microsoft,theClevelandClinic,Pixar,softwarefirmSAP,Twitter,anda
StanfordprogramforNationalFootballLeagueexecutives)andfiftyorso
interviews(andlessformaldiscussions)withpeopleincludingsocialworkers,
baristasatPhilzCoffee,nursesattheStanfordHospital,Disneyexecutives,
humanresourcesexecutives(notablyPattyMcCord,whowasatNetflixforits
firstfourteenyears),andresearchersincludingProfessorKatyDeCellesofthe
UniversityofToronto—whostudiesthecausesofairrage,howprisonguards
dealwithinmates,andtheeffectsoftempertantrumsbybasketballcoacheson
players.
Thisbookisalsoshapedbyallthoseemailsaboutassholesthatpeoplesend
me.Itrytosaveeachbitofcorrespondenceinmyratherdisorganizedsystemof
threeemailfolders(“NAStories,”“Bosses,”“AssholeSurvivalGuide”)and
somesixtysubfolders(e.g.,“AssholeBosses,”“AssholeUnderlings,”“Brits,”
“Clients,”“AssholeCompanies,”“Bystanders,”“PublicLife,”“SoundCrazy,”
“Italian,”“OnlineAssholes,”“FightingBack,”“GotOut,”“WrongWayto
Fight,”“SuccessStories”).I’vekeptabouteightthousandsuchemails;most
containsomevariationofthequestionthatthisbooktackles.Manyofmy
correspondentsalsotellmeabout(successfulandunsuccessful)survival
methodsthatthey’vetried.AndTheAssholeSurvivalGuidealsodrawsuponthe
1,500orsoresponsesIwrotebacktotheseemails,whichinclude
encouragement,advice,andfollow-upquestions.
THEDAMAGEDONE
In2010,ItalkedwithayoungCEOwhoworriedhewasn’tenoughlikethelate
SteveJobs—thathiscareerandhislittlestart-upwouldsufferbecausehewas
calmandhetreatedpeoplewithrespect.I’vehadalotofconversationslikethis
overtheyears.AsIdidwiththisCEO,Ialwayspointtopunditsandresearchers
whoarguethatAssholesFinishFirst—that’swhat(now-retired)“professional
asshole”TuckerMaxtitledhisbookfor“dudesandbros.”Or,inrecentyears,I
pointtoarticlessuchasJerryUseem’s2015Atlanticpieceon“WhyItPaysto
BeaJerk.”
MyStanfordcolleagueJeffPfefferarguesthattreatingpeoplelikedirtcanbe
apathtopersonalsuccessbecause,asheexplainedittoJerryUseem,whenyou
putapythonandchickeninacagetogether,the“pythoneatsthechicken.”I
agreethattherearecircumstanceswhereleavingothersfeelingoppressed,
demeaned,disrespected,orde-energizedcanhelpadeptjerksvanquish
competitorsandattractallies(whokissup,inpart,becausetheyhopetobe
sparedtheasshole’swrath,backstabbing,ordirtylooks).Treatingotherslikedirt
andbeingselfishcanalsohelppeopletriumphinpure“Iwin,youlose”
situations—wherethereisnoincentivetocooperatewithothersnoworinthe
future.Andchapter6ofthisbookconsiderswhenandwhygivingassholesa
tasteoftheirownmedicineisaneffectivewaytofightback(Idowarn,
however,asmywifeMarinaputsit,“Whenyouthrowshitatotherpeople,it
oftengetsalloveryoutoo”).
Thatsaid,myreadingofthatbigpileofresearchindicatesthatpunditsand
professorswhocelebratebullies,takers,andnarcissistsareexaggeratingthe
spoilsanddownplayingtheharmthatassholesinflictonthemselves(especially
inthelongrun).Thisconclusiondovetailswithnumerousotheracademics,
includingWharton’sAdamGrant(hestudiesthefateof“givers”versus
“takers”),theUniversityofSouthernCalifornia’sChristinePorath(shestudies
incivility),andtheUniversityofCalifornia’sDacherKeltner(hestudiesemotion
andpowerdynamics).Asworkbytheseprofessorsandmanyotherresearchers
wouldpredict,thereisalonglistofwinnerswhohavesucceededwithout
treatingpeoplelikedirt:thisincludesAppleCEOTimCook,NetflixCEOReed
Hastings,BerkshireHathawayCEOandinvestmenticonWarrenBuffett,thelate
comedianandactorRobinWilliams,celebritychefAnthonyBourdain,
televisionproducerJenjiKohan(creatorofOrangeIstheNewBlack),and
executiveproducerandwriterShondaRhimes(ofGrey’sAnatomyandScandal
fame)—thelistgoesonandon.And,in2015,ItalkedagainwiththatCEOwho
frettedbackin2010becausehewasn’tloud,overbearing,andselfishenough.I
can’ttellyouhisname,buthestillisn’tanasshole,andhiscompanynowhas
morethanathousandemployees,andheisabillionaire.
IalsohadarevealingconversationwithPixar’sfounderandpresidentEd
Catmull(whoworkedcloselywithSteveJobsfortwenty-fiveyears)aboutthe
widespreadbeliefthatJobssucceeded,inpart,becausehewasoverbearing,
temperamental,andinsensitive—themyththatenticedthatyoungCEOto
wonderifheoughttobehavethesameway.CatmullagreedthatJobshadawell-
earnedreputation“forpoorbehaviorearlyinhiscareer.”Catmullemphasized,
however,thatmanywriters,biographers,andfilmmakersmissacrucialpartof
thestory:thatJobschangedforthebetterafterhewas“kickedout”ofAppleand
sufferedaslewofsetbacksathishigh-endcomputercompanyNeXTandat
Pixarintheearlyyears.AsCatmullputit,Jobs“wanderedinthewilderness”for
adecade.Catmullexplainedthat“inthecourseofworkingthroughand
understandingthesefailures,andthensucceedingatPixar,Jobschanged;he
becamemoreempathetic,abetterlistener,abetterleader,abetterpartner.”
Catmullsaidthatthe“morethoughtfulandcaring”SteveJobswastheone“who
createdtheincrediblysuccessfulApple.”Jobsremainedatoughnegotiator,a
challengingpersontoarguewith,andaperfectionist;butCatmullobservedthat
Jobs’sgreatestsuccessescameonlyafterheabandonedthenotorious
mistreatmentofothersthatplaguedhisearlyyears.
Yet,eveniftheassholeloversareright,andbeingallassholeall(ormost)of
thetimeisapathtopersonalsuccess,treatingotherslikedirtdoessomuch
damagethatevenifyouareawinnerandanasshole,youarestillaloserasa
humanbeinginmybook.
IamnotjustsayingthisbecauseIamTheAssholeGuy.Althoughevidence
abouthowtobestdealwithassholesismurkyandincomplete,thenegative
impactofdemeaninganddisrespectfulpeopleontheirvictimsiscrystalclear.
Thousandsofstudiesindiversedisciplinesconfirmhowhighthetotalcostof
assholes(TCA)istogroups,organizations,andsociety—andespeciallyto
targetedindividuals.Considerjustatasteofthisdamningpileofdata.
Hundredsofexperimentsshowthatencounterswithrude,insulting,and
demeaningpeopleundermineothers’performance—includingtheirdecision-
makingskills,productivity,creativity,andwillingnesstoworkalittleharderand
stayalittlelatertofinishprojectsandtohelpcoworkerswhoneedtheiradvice,
skills,oremotionalsupport.Forexample,anexperimentwithdoctorsandnurses
inIsraelineonatalintensivecareunitsentailedcreatingencounterswitharude
Americanhealth-careexpert.ThisuglyAmericaninsultedtheskillsand
intelligenceoftheIsraelidoctorsandnurses;hetoldthemthathewas“not
impressedwiththequalityofmedicineinIsrael”andsaidthemedicalstaffthat
heobservedinIsrael“wouldn’tlastaweek”inhisAmericandepartment.The
belittleddoctorsandnursesperformedfarworse(comparedtoacontrolgroup)
ontasksincludingdiagnosingamedicalmannequin’sphysicaldeterioration,
perforatedbowel,andcardiacproblems.
Inotherwords,thatAmericanassholerattledtheIsraelihealth-care
professionalssomuchthatitunderminedtheirabilitytotreatsickbabies.Rude
patientshavesimilareffectsonphysicians;researchconductedinthe
Netherlandssuggeststhatdoctorsmakemoreerrorswhentheydiagnose
demandingandaggressivepatientswhoquestiontheircompetencecomparedto
whentheydiagnosemorecivilizedpatients.
In2011,renownedsciencefictionwriterWilliamGibsonretweetedathought
by“Notoriousd.e.b.”(@debihopeonTwitter)thatwentviral:“Beforeyou
diagnoseyourselfwithdepressionorlowselfesteem,firstmakesureyouare
not,infact,justsurroundedbyassholes.”Muchevidencesupports@debihope’s
advice.Studiesofrudenessandincivility—onairragebyloud,obnoxious,and
insultingairplanepassengers,phonerage,roadrage,and“pedestrian
aggressivenesssyndrome”—showthatsuchnastinessiscontagiousandcan
undermineavictim’smentalandphysicalhealthfordaysorweeks.Thousands
ofstudiesofbulliedchildrenshowthatthepsychologicaldamageincludes
weakeracademicperformance,alongwithmentalandphysicalhealthproblems.
Andchildrenwhowerebulliedbypeersmaybehauntedtherestoftheirlives—
theyarepronetoadultproblemsincludinghigherarrestrates,financial
struggles,depression,andheavysmoking.
Researchonworkplaceassholes(wherethisbookfocuses)revealsthat
demeaninganddisrespectfulpeers,underlings,customersandclients,and,
especially,bosses(or“bossholes”)candamageperformanceandwell-being.To
illustrate,assembly-lineworkersreacttoverbalabusewithemotional
detachmentandlowerproductivity.Newnursesbulliedbyveterannursesand
doctorsputforthlesseffortanddeveloplessempathyforpatients.Service
employeeswhoaresubjectedtocustomeraggression(e.g.,rudegestures,
yelling,swearing,glaring)reportmorementalandphysicalhealthproblemsand
arelesscommittedtotheirjobs.Similarly,serviceemployeeswhoobserve
customersabusingtheircolleagues(ratherthanexperiencingitfirsthand)suffera
similarfate.
Andtreatingotherslikedirtiscontagious—soifyouworkwithajerk(or,
worse,abunchofthem),youarelikelytobecomeonetoo.A2012study
documentedhowsuchshitrolleddownhill:abusiveseniorleaderswereproneto
selectingorbreedingabusiveteamleaders,whointurn,igniteddestructive
conflictintheirteams,whichstifledteammembers’creativity.
Thelistofdamagesdonebyworkplaceassholesgoesonandon:reduced
trust,motivation,innovation,andlesswillingnesstomakesuggestions;
increasedwaste,theft,absenteeism,andsurliness.ProfessorBennettTepperof
OhioStateUniversityandhiscolleaguesestimatedthatabusivesupervision
costsU.S.corporations$23.8billionayear(basedonabsenteeism,health-care
costs,andlostproductivity).Thatwasin2006;theestimatewouldbefarhigher
now.Workplacejerksalsowrecktheirtarget’sphysicalandmentalhealth—
triggeringanxiety,depression,sleepproblems,highbloodpressure,andpoor
relationshipswiththeirfamiliesandpartners.Long-termstudiesinEuropeshow
thatworkingforabossholeincreasestheriskofheartdiseaseandpremature
death.Forexample,atwenty-yearstudythattrackedsixthousandBritishcivil
servantsfoundthatwhentheirbossescriticizedthemunfairly,didn’tlistento
theirproblems,andrarelypraisedthem,employeessufferedmoreangina,heart
attacks,anddeathsfromheartdisease.
Yougettheidea.Itdoesn’tmatterwhethertheassholesaroundyouaregetting
aheador(morelikely)screwinguptheirlives,careers,andcompanies.They
poseadangertoyouandothers.Iwrotethisbooktohelpyouprotectanddefend
yourselfandthefriends,colleagues,customers,teams,andorganizationsthat
youholddearfromthesemean-spiritedpeopleandtheirvilewordsanddeeds.
WHAT’SAHEAD
Thenextsixchaptersconsiderhowtoassess,escape,endure,fight,andforceout
bullies,backstabbers,andarses.Chapter2on“AssholeAssessment:HowBadIs
theProblem?”providessixdiagnosticquestionstohelpyoutoassesshow
dangerous,difficulttodealwith,anddamagingagivenassholeproblemis—ifit
requiresminimal,modest,ormajorprotectivemeasures.Thenextfourchapters
considerthepros,cons,andnuancesofdifferentsurvivalstrategies:Chapter3
showshowandwhento“MakeaCleanGetaway.”Chapter4provides“Asshole
AvoidanceTechniques,”methodsforreducingyourexposuretoassholesthat
youcan’tescapefrom—atleastfornow.Chapter5isabout“MindTricksThat
ProtectYourSoul,”orwaysofthinkingaboutandreactingtoassholesthat
reducethedamagetoyouandothers.Chapter6digsintotacticsfor“Fighting
Back.”Itspellsouteffectiveandsometimesmischievousmeansforreforming,
repelling,andremovingassholes—andforbringingjerksdownanotchor
renderingthempowerlesspapertigers.
Thisbookendswithchapter7on“BePartoftheSolution,NottheProblem.”
Ishowwhatitmeanstoembracethenoassholeruleasapersonalphilosophy,a
themethatrunsthroughandgluesthisbooktogether.Theruleisn’tjustfor
teamsandorganizations.Itisapersonalcommitmentthatshapeshowyoujudge
people,thekindofindividualsyouhangoutwithandworkwith,andyour
determinationtodetect,dampen,anddefeatdisrespectfulactionsmadeby
yourselfandothers.
ABIAS-BUSTINGMANTRA
Beslowtolabelothersasassholes,bequicktolabelyourselfasone.
Keepingthismantrainmindprimesyoutoavoidfallingpreytoyourknee-jerk
reactions—toslow,stop,andreversetheinitialjudgmentsthatyoumakeabout
suspectedjerks.Itpreparesyoutogetmorefromthisbook.Sayingitandliving
itcanhelpyou—andthoseyousupport,teach,orcoach—doabetterjobof
understandingwhenbulliesandbackstabbersare(andarenot)rearingtheirugly
heads,whytheyaredoingtheirdirtywork,andhowtodealwiththem.It’s
amongthemostcruciallessonsthatI’velearnedovertheyearsabouthowto
thinkaboutanddealwithpossibleassholes.
Bendingyourjudgmentsinthisdirectioncounteractsbiasesthatarebaked
intoushumanbeings—eventhemostwonderful,caring,andunselfishofus.As
youwillseeinchapter7,researchbypsychologistsshowsthatweareoften
cluelessaboutordownplayourweaknessesandmistakes,developinflated
opinionsofourskillsandabilities(especiallyinareaswhereweareleast
competent),andarepronetoblameothersforourproblems(evenwhenit’sour
owndamnfault).Thisresearchsuggeststhatifyouactlikeanasshole,orprotect
orenableothers’demeaninganddisrespectfulbehavior,youaren’tlikelyto
admittheseunflatteringfactstoyourselforanyoneelse.Soitisnosurprisethat
nationalsurveysbytheWorkplaceBullyingInstitutebetween2007and2014
foundthatover50%ofAmericansreportthey’veexperiencedorwitnessed
ongoingepisodesofbullying—butlessthan1%admittosubjectingothersto
suchrepeatedmistreatment.Onereasonforthisbiggapisthatsomepeopleare
mightythin-skinnedandevendownrightparanoid—sotheyoverreactto
repeatedsmallorimaginedslightsandattributeevilintenttopeoplewhodon’t
intendtohurtthem(andwhomayevenbetryingtohelpthem).Themain
reason,however,isthatpeoplewhoactlikeassholesareoftenblindtotheirbad
behaviorandhowothersexperienceit.
Thismantraisn’tacure-allforlimitedself-awareness.Butitisacounterforce
totheautomaticandoftenflawedinterpretationsthatweareallpronetomake.
Beingslowtolabelothersasassholesgivesyoutimetoconsiderother
explanationsanddevelopempathyfortheallegedassholes—ratherthanreacting
withinstantandsometimesunnecessaryhurtandanger.Beingquicktolabel
yourselfasajerk,oratleastpausingtoconsiderthatyoucouldbepartofthe
problem,cancounteracttheoh-so-humanpredilectiontodenyanddownplayour
imperfectionsandsins.Andthismantrahelpsyouavoidfuelingviciouscircles
whereyouandyourallegedtormentorbothfeelwronged,andperhapsyellat
eachother,“Iamnottheasshole,youare.”
2
AssholeAssessment:
HOWBADISTHEPROBLEM?
ASSHOLESUSEAHOSTOFDIRTYTRICKStotormenttheirtargets.Considerthese
terribletidbitsfrommyemails:Earflicking.Shouting.Smilingwarmlyasshe
whispersinhisear,“Youarealoser.Iamgoingtobringyoudown.”A
“passhole”(passive-aggressiveasshole)whotreatspeopleasiftheyareinvisible
andignorestheirrequests.Invitingonlyher“favorites”totheofficeholiday
party.Interruptinghim“fivetimesinfiveminutes.”Askinghim,“Areyoudone
withthatpieceofshityet?”HoldingmandatorySundaystaffmeetings.Taunting
herforworkingtoohard.Glaring,name-calling,wearinga“shittymorning
face,”constantteasing,andtreatingeverythingasanemergencyandmaking
everymolehillintoamountain.
Fawnsoverandflatterscolleaguestotheirfaces,thenspreadsviciouslies
behindtheirbacks.Writesanemployeeupforarrivingtoworkfifteenminutes
EARLY.Fliesintoarageoveralatewaterdeliveryfortheofficecooler.Gives
heronecomplimentineightyears.UsestheF-wordinalmosteverysentence.
BreatheslikeDarthVaderwhenshegetsmad.Firesemployeesoverthephone,
insistsothercolleaguesdoittoo.Tellsacoworkerthatcustomersfeelsorryfor
herbecauseshehas“sadeyes.”Callsacustomer“anuglybitch”whodressesin
“rags”behindherback.Tossesalitcigaretteathim.Grabsherandbitesheron
thearm“leavingabruise.”
Alas,theseexamplesprobablydon’tshockyougiventheremarkablerangeof
rudeanddemeaningactsintraditionalandsocialmediastoriesthesedays.Yet
someofthismadnesswouldstillseemfakeorwildlyexaggeratedwithout
photographicevidence.Forexample,a2016videoofShanxiChangzhiZhangze
AgriculturalandCommercialBankinChinapostedonlinebyChannel
NewsAsiashowsamanagerwho—infrontofhundredsofcolleagues—
humiliateseightworkersbyhittingeachfourtimesonthebuttockswithalarge
stickbecause“theydidn’tworkhardenough.”Oneoftheemployeesspankedas
partofthis“performancebreakthroughcourse”cried,stumbled,andappearedto
beinconsiderablepain.Orcheckout@passengershameonTwitter,where
peoplepostrealpicturesandvideosofairplanepassengersdoingappalling
thingssuchasputtingtheirdirtybarefeetontheceilingandonfellow
passenger’sarmrests.Onevideoshowsawomanpoppingthezitsandpulling
outthenosehairsofthemansittingnexttoher;inanotherawomanignoresand
theninsultsaflightattendantwhoaskshertoextinguishacigarette.
Researchershavelabeledandsortedhundredsofdifferentbadbehaviors.
CarletonUniversity’sKathryneDupréandhercolleaguesmeasured“customer-
initiatedworkplaceaggression”byasking428workersif,andhowoften,they
hadexperienced,seen,orheardaboutelevendespicablecustomerbehaviors.
Theseinclude“saidsomethingtospiteyou,”“glaredorgavedirtylookstoyou,”
and“targetedafalseaccusationatyou.”BennettTepperfromOhioState
UniversitydevelopedtheAbusiveSupervisionScale,whichasksfifteen
questionsabouthowoften“myboss”doesthingslike“putsmedowninfrontof
others,”“makesnegativecommentsaboutmetoothers,”and“invadesmy
privacy.”YaleUniversity’sPhilipSmithandhiscolleaguesstudied“TheRude
StrangerinEverydayLife.”Theylisttwenty-onekindsofrudeness(e.g.,
“Pushedinfrontofme”and“Tookuptoomuchpersonalspace”),which
occurredintwenty-sevenlocations(e.g.,“Inasupermarket,”“Ona
freeway/highway,”or“Atanairlineterminal”).
Inotherwords,thesestoriesandstudiesidentifysomanydifferentkindsof
assholes,whooperateinsuchvariedplaces,anddotheirdirtyworkinsomany
ways,thatnoone-size-fits-allsurvivalstrategywillworkforeveryjerk.If
anybodytellsyouthattheyhaveastep-by-step,complete,andsurefirecurefor
allyourassholeproblems,theyarelyingtothemselvesandtoyou.Ican’t
promiseeasyorinstantrelief.TheAssholeSurvivalGuidecan,however,help
youdecidewhichsurvivaltricksandmovesarebestfornavigatingtheparticular
uglinessthatyouface,figureoutwaystosufferlessharm,and—sometimes—
triumphintheend.Thechaptersthatfollowprovidepracticaltacticsandtipsto
considerusingasyoudevelopandupdateyourowncustomsurvivalstrategy.
Thefirststepistofigureouthowdirethingsareforyouorforthoseyouhope
tohelp.Bewareoffirstimpressions.Snapjudgmentsaredangerous.NobelPrize
winnerDanielKahnemanrecommendsthatanybodyina“cognitive
minefield”—thatis,whofacesaconfusing,difficult,anddistressingchallenge—
oughttofirstslowdown,studythesituation,considerdifferentpaths,andtalkto
somesmartpeoplebeforesettlingonaplanandtakingaction.Thedangersof
snapjudgmentsandvirtuesofslowingdowntothinkarewelldocumented.Dr.
JeromeGroopmanurgesfellowphysicianstoresisttheirpenchantformaking
instantdiagnosesofpatients(mostdoctorstakelessthantwentyseconds).
Groopman’smentortaughthimthatoftenthebestadviceis“Don’tjustdo
something,standthere.”It’sbetterthanmakingaquickandbaddiagnosisand
inflictingthewrongtreatmentonapatient.
Thischapterhelpsyouavoidmakingsnapjudgmentsaboutproblemswith
possibleassholes.Itposessixdiagnosticquestionstothinkaboutanddiscuss
withpeopleyoutrust.Thefirstquestionhelpsyoudetermineifyou’vegotan
assholeproblematall.Ifyes,thenextfivequestionshelpyoufigureouthow
baditis—andthushowdiligently(ordesperately)youneedtoworkonit.The
worsethatthingsare,theharderyououghttoworkatcraftingandcarryingouta
survivalstrategy.Itbecomesmorecrucialtoputotherdemandsasideandto
focusoncopingwithandtamingyourtormentors.Andchancesarehigherthat
youwillencountermoresurprisesandsetbacksalongtheway—requiringeven
moretrialanderrorandshiftsinstrategy.
HAVEYOUGOTAPROBLEM?
Aswe’veseen,endlessanticsareattributedtoassholes.Certainlysome
despicableactions—physicalassaultorsexualharassment,forexample—
provideunassailableevidencethattheassholelabeliswarranted.Yetthereare
vastdifferencesincultural,industry,andorganizationalbeliefsaboutwhenand
whypeopledeservethelabel.Therearealsobigvariationsinhowdifferent
personalitiesreacttothesamepotentiallyrepugnantactionsandpeople.Moves
thatleaveonepersonfeelingoffendedoroppressedmaynotbotheroreven
registerwithanother,mightamuseanother,ormightbetakenasapprovaland
evenaffectionbyyetanother.Forexample,aformerU.S.NationalFootball
Leagueplayerpointedouttomethat,afteragreatplayinagame,slappinga
teammateontheheadorbuttandcallinghim“onebadmotherfucker”ishigh
praiseonthefield—butthatkindofaggressivebehaviorcangetyoufiredor
arrestedelsewhere.
ThefirstdiagnosticquestionfollowsfromthelatewriterMayaAngelou’s
assertionthat“attheendofthedaypeoplewon’trememberwhatyousaidor
did,theywillrememberhowyoumadethemfeel.”Certainly,manyvictimscan
neverforgetwhatabusivepeoplehavesaidanddidtothem.ButAngelou’s
wordsringtruetome.Thepeoplewhoprovokemetothink“whatanasshole”—
theoneswhostickinmycrawanddrivemecrazy—arethosewhotrigger
painfulfeelingsinmeorinthoseIcareabout.Thesamegoesforpeoplewhotell
metheirassholestories:theyaretormentedinwildlyvariedwaysbutaresimilar
inthatsomebodyisdoingsomethingthatleavesthemfeelingpissedoff,put
upon,discouraged,orotherwiseemotionallyunsettledorhurt.
Myfocusonthetargets’feelingsalsomeansthatsuch“victims”aren’t
automaticallyabsolvedofallblame.Thiscontrastswiththeusualasshole
namingandshaminggame.Whetheritisacademicswhomeasurebullying,
abuse,oraggressionwithquestionnaires,orpeoplewhopostdisturbingimages
on@passengershame,theassumptionisoftenthatthesevileactsarecommitted
byevilandguiltyperpetratorsandthenreportedbyinnocentvictimsor
bystanders.Butifyouwanttoreallyunderstandanassholeproblemandhowto
besttackleit,considerhowyourquirks,background,andbiasesshapeyour
feelings.Takingresponsibilityforyourfeelings—andunderstandingwhatdrives
thoseofothertargetsorwitnesses—helpsyou(orthem)figureouthowtolimit
thedamage.Italsohelpstocometogripswithhowyou(orthey)mightbe
makingitallworse—forexample,bybeingtoothin-skinned,orplacing
excessiveorirrationalblameontheallegedjerks,orbehavinglikeanasshole
too.
Sohere’sthefirstdiagnosticquestion.Askyourselforthosepeoplewhoyou
aretryingtohelp:
1. Doyoufeelasiftheallegedassholeistreatingyou(andperhapsothers)
likedirt? Doencounterswithanallegedasshole(orapackofthem)leaveyou
feelingoppressed,demeaned,disrespected,orde-energized—oralloftheabove?
Iftheanswertothisquestionisasolid“no,”thenthereisn’taproblem,orat
leastnotonethatrequiresmuchattention.Butiftheansweris“yes,”thatmeans
thatyouorothersaresufferingpsychologicalharmanditwouldbewisetotake
protectivemeasures.Justbearinmindthatnotallassholeproblemsarecreated
equal.Someareworsethanothers.
HOWBADISIT?
Amarketingmanagerwrotemeaboutthe“A$$holeFactory”whereheworked
foryears.Hesaiditwassobrokenthat“someoneshouldtentthebuildingand
sprayitwithA$$holeinsecticide.”The“Factory”had“blisteringA$$hole
familymembersrunningtheshow”whoroutinelyyelledatemployeesandeach
other,who“scowledandgrowled,”andwho,themanagersaid,“spoketome
likeIwasafive-year-oldchild.”
Helistedalitanyofoffensiveandbizarremovesbytherulingfamily,suchas,
“IfIwaseatingsomething,abagofpotatochipsforexample,thepresident
wouldwalkintomycubicle,stickhishandsinthebag,thenlookatmeandsay,
‘CanIhavesome?’”Theblightspreadtothismanager’simmediatebossaswell,
whostartedoutas“optimistic,friendly,driven,andtrustworthy,”butsoon
turnedcruelandtwo-faced.Themanagerconfessedthatheturnedintoan
“A$$hole”too.Ashetoldit,“Iwaslosingmytemperwithvendorsonthe
phone;mystresslevelwasgettingtoohightomanage;andIstartedtosend
morescathingemails.Italsostartedtoaffectmypersonallife,asIwouldcome
homefromworkandlosemytemperwithmypartnerfornoreason.”After
sevenyears,hefinallygotout,butnotbeforesufferingmuchdamageand
inflictingmuchofthesameonothers.
Thiscasebothhorrifiesandfascinatesmebecauseittooksolongforthe
managertorealizehowcorrosivethe“Factory”wastohim,hiscoworkers,his
partner,andeventhevendorheflamedwithrudeemails.Hedidn’tcometo
gripswithhowterribleitallwasuntilafterheescaped.Aquickglanceatthe
accompanyinglistofdiagnosticquestionssuggestshowbadthissituationwas:
hefeltasifhewastreatedlikedirt,itlastedforyears,thesamepeoplewere
abusivetohimagainandagain(theywere“certifiedassholes”),itwasa
systemicdisease,hehadlesspowerthanmostofthejerks,andhesuffered
mightily.
Alas,wehumanshavearemarkablecapacityfordenialanddelusion.Thatis,
ifhehadrealizedhowbadthingswere,Ibelievethatmanagerwouldhavetaken
morerapidandeffectivesteps—inparticular,escapedyearsearlier.Regardless
ofwhetheryouarefacingahorriblepredicamentlikehim—orsubtleandless
clear-cutproblems—ithelpstojuststop,think,anddissectthesituation.Ask
yourselfthefiveremainingquestions—andrecruitpeoplewhoyoutrusttoget
theirperspectiveandadvicetoo.
HOWBADISIT?
SixDiagnosticQuestions
1. Doyoufeelasiftheallegedassholeistreatingyou(and
perhapsothers)likedirt?Duringorafterinteractionswith
theallegedassholeorassholes,doyoufeeloppressed,
demeaned,disrespected,orde-energized?Ifso,youbetter
startcraftingasurvivalplan.
2. Howlongwilltheuglinesspersist?Ifitisjustashort
episode,thenyoumightbeabletoputitpastyoufairly
quickly.Butifitgoesondayafterday,orwasabriefepisode
thatkeepshauntingyouandothers,thenyouneedtodevote
greaterattentiontodevelopingandusingprotectivemeasures.
3. Areyoudealingwithatemporaryorcertifiedasshole?If
youaredealingwithatemporaryasshole,youmightjustletit
pass,andwaituntilheorshestartsactinglikeacivilized
humanbeingagainbeforegivingsomenegativefeedback,or
perhapsjusttryagentleinterventiononthespot.Butifyou
andothersarebesiegedbysomeonewhoisallassholeallthe
time,thenyouneedtoactwithmorecareandforethought,as
you’vegotamoredangerousanddamagingproblemonyour
hands.
4. Isitanindividualorasystemicdisease?Ifyouaredealing
withoneorperhapstwoassholesinwhatisotherwiseaseaof
civility,then—whileyouarestillatrisk—youaremostlikely
surroundedwithpeoplewhocanhelpandsupportyou.The
mainriskisthatnastinesscanspreadquicklylikea
contagiousdisease.ButifyouarelivinginJerkCity,and
everydayfeelslikeatripdownAssholeAvenue,younotonly
aretakingflakfromeverydirectionandlikelysufferingmuch
harm;youalsohavefewerpotentialallies.
5. Howmuchmorepowerdoyouhaveovertheasshole?If
youhavefarmorepowerthantheassholedoes,thenyouhave
abroadersetofoptions—it’seasiertoleaveorgetridofthat
jerk,forexample.Butbewareofoverconfidence;justbecause
youarethetopdogorrichandfamousdoesn’tmeanyoucan
dowhatyouwant—orthatyouhaveasmuchpowerasyou
imagine.Ifyouhavelesspower,andthatbullycanhurtyou,
youareatgreaterrisk.You’vegottothinkmoredeeplyabout
yourstrategy,andthendevoteextraefforttorecruitingallies
aroundyouwhocanprotectyou.
6. Howmuchareyoureallysuffering?Thisisthebottomline.
Whatdrivesonepersoncrazymaynotbotheranotheratall.
Youmaybeespeciallythin-skinned.Butifyouaredealing
withpeoplewholeaveyoufeelingdeeplyoppressed,
demeaned,disrespected,orde-energized,thenyou’vegotto
startdoingsomethingnow—andsomethingthatisfairlytime-
consuminganddrastic—inordertosurvive.
2. Howlongwilltheuglinesspersist? Evenabriefinsult,slight,orsignof
disrespectcanhavelastingeffects.ThestudiesofrudestrangersbyYale
sociologistPhilipSmithandhiscolleaguesfoundthatevenepisodesthatlasta
fewseconds—suchasbeingbumpedintobysomeoneattheshoppingmallor
encounteringadriverwhostealsyourparkingspaceandthenflipsyouoff—
haveeffectsontargetsthatcanlingerforweeksorevenmonths.Theserange
frombeingmoretolerantandpoliteto“becomingmorehardenedtootherpeople
ingeneral.”Youmightdismisspeoplewhostaypissedoff,upset,orotherwise
affectedbyabriefincidentasjustbeingabunchofthin-skinnedwimpswhojust
needtogetoverit.Butsuchlingeringeffectsmakemoresensewhenyou
considerthemostdisconcertingepisodes.
OnJuly12,2016,forexample,CNNnewsanchorDonLemontalkedonthe
airaboutaracistcommentthatanacquaintancehadmadeatarestaurant.Lemon
andanotherAfricanAmericanwerepartofagroup(therestwereCaucasian)
thatwashavingananimatedconversationaboutamurderousrampagebya
sniperinDallasthathappenedafewdaysbefore.Theattackleftfivepolice
officersdeadandsevenwounded—thevictimswereCaucasianandthesniper
wasAfricanAmerican.Lemonsaidthatoneofthewhitepeopleaskedtheother
AfricanAmericanatthetable,“Howdoesthatmakeyoufeel,asanigger?”
OthersinthegroupimmediatelyrespondedtotheN-wordwithangry
accusationsanddemandsforanapology;Lemonsaidnothingbutexperienceda
blendofoutrageandcuriositythatsurprisedhim.
Althoughitwasdaysaftertheincident,Lemonlookeddiscouragedduringhis
on-airreflectionandsaidtheincidentstilltroubledhim—thatitforcedhimto
realizehowdeepracialbiasstillrunsandhownaïveitistopretendthatracism
doesn’texistevenamongseeminglyenlightenedandeducatedpeople.
Certainly,beingexposedtoracistcommentsandinsultsdayafterdayisworse
thanasingleincident.Andifthemarketingmanageratthat“A$$holeFactory”
hadquitafteramonth—ratherthansevenyears—hewouldhavebeendamaged
alotless.ButthelessonfromthatracistincidentreportedbyDonLemon—or
otherbriefbutjarringincidents—isthatthedurationoftheuglinessoughtto
includethelengthanddepthoftheaftershocks.Ifpeoplekeeptalkingaboutit,
arguingoverit,orfrettingaboutit,oritotherwisestillhauntsthem,thenthe
emotionaldamageisn’treallyover.Yet,onaverage,researchoneverything
fromabusivesupervisiontobulliedschoolchildrenshowsthatthelongerand
morefrequentlythatatargetistreatedlikedirt,thegreaterandmorelong-lasting
thedamagewillbe.
3. Areyoudealingwithatemporaryorcertifiedasshole? Allofusare
capableofbeingtemporaryassholesunderthewrongconditions.Thereare
endlessreasonsthat,nowandthen,wemighttreatotherslikedirt—beingtired
orinarush,feelingpowerful,orhavinganoverwhelmingdesiretobringdown
somehigh-and-mightyjerkareamongthemanytriggers.AsIwroteinTheNo
AssholeRule,“Itisfarhardertoqualifyasacertifiedasshole:apersonneedsto
displayapersistentpattern,tohaveahistoryofepisodesthatendwithone
‘target’afteranotherfeelingbelittled,putdown,humiliated,disrespected,
oppressed,de-energized,andgenerallyworseaboutthemselves.”
Ifyouaredealingwithjustatemporaryasshole,someonewhousuallytreats
otherswithwarmthandrespect,youprobablydon’tneedtotakemuch—ifany
—action.It’softenbesttojustsaynothingortojustleavethescene.Or,ifitis
someoneyouknowandnormallylike,youmighttreattheirhostilityasasign
theyaresimplyhavingatoughdayandneedemotionalsupport.
Weallhavebadmoments.Yearsago,IwashavinglunchwithBobGibbons,
aneconomistfromMassachusettsInstituteofTechnology.Iamapsychologist,
andIconfess,thereismuchaboutthefieldofeconomicsIdon’tlike(for
example,numerousstudiesshowthatthemoreexposurethatstudentshaveto
economics,themoreselfishandgreedytheybecome).Inanyevent,whenIsat
downnexttoBobthatday,Iwasinafoulmoodandtookitoutonhim.Isaid
somethingabouthowmosteconomistsareselfishassholes.Thatcertainlywasn’t
fairtoBob;hehaddonenothingtoprovokemyharshcomment,andheisoneof
thekindest,mostgiving,andunderstandingacademicsIknowfromanyfieldof
study.Butratherthangettingangry,Bobgavemeagentlesmileandaskedmeif
IhadatoughnightwithEve,ourinfantdaughter.Bobwasright.Iwasgrouchy
fromasleeplessnightwithasickkid.IapologizedandstoppedinsultingBob.
Iwasatemporaryassholethatday.
Buthere’ssomethingcurious.Sometimes,beingatemporaryassholecan
improveasubordinate’sperformance.Thatis,whentypicallycivilizedand
sociallyadeptpeoplespewunexpectedvenom,theymightdosoforstrategic
reasons.Targetsmayinterpretarareflashofangeroroutburstfromtheirbossas
negativefeedbackthattheydeserve.Anditmayfirethemuptotryharder.So,
especiallyincompetitivesituations,temporaryassholeswhoberate,glareat,or
ignorepeoplewhomtheyusuallytreatwithwarmthandrespectjustmight
bolsterperformance.
Consideranintriguingstudy.ResearchersBarryStaw,KatyDeCelles,and
PeterDegoeyfoundevidenceforsuchstrategicnastinessinastudyof305
halftimelockerroomspeechesbythecoachesof23highschoolandcollege
basketballteams.Thespeecheswererecorded,whichenabledtheseresearchers
tolinkhowangryeachhalftimespeechwas(thedegreeof“unpleasantness”)to
changesinteamperformanceinthesecondhalfofthegame.Theyfoundthat,up
toapoint,coacheswhoexpressednegativeemotiondidsparkimproved
performance.Butcoacheswhowereflamingassholes,whohadthemost
extremeoutbursts(e.g.,intenseanger,ragingverbalabuse,throwingthings),
drovedownperformance.
Thedifferencesbetweentemporaryandcertifiedassholeswereespecially
instructive.Coacheswhowereusuallypleasantsparkedbiggerperformance
boostsfromtheir(occasional)outburstscomparedtothosecoacheswhowere
consistentlyunpleasant.Sobeingallassholeallthetimeasacoachdidn’twork
(especiallybeingaflamingone).Butanoccasionalstrategicoutburstseemsto
beeffectivebecause“targets”construetheirtemporarytormentorastryingto
motivatethemtotryharderandtobesmarter—theydon’tdismissitasjustthe
usualrantingfromacertifiedassholewhoberatesthemconstantly.
Aswithalljudgmentsaboutassholes,youwillmakebetterdecisionsabout
howbadthingsareandwhattodoifyouareslowtoconcludethataperson—or
agroupofpeople—deservestobeanointedas“certified.”Forexample,people
whoenforcehighstandards,demandrespectfromothers,andaren’tespecially
warmandlikable—butdonotundermine,demean,orignoreothers—mayupset
thosetheyholdaccountableandbeunjustlylabeledassholes(atleastbehind
theirbacks).Butwhentoughpeoplearealsopersistentlyandunnecessarilyrude,
disrespectful,andinsulting,theydeservetobedeemedcertifiedassholes.
CaptainHollyGrafoftheU.S.Navy,forexample,wasproudtouphold“very
highstandards”forhercrew.Andto“letthemknowwhentheyarenotmeeting
them.”InMarchof2010,theTelegraphreportedthat,becauseofher
“toughness,”“brilliantseamanship”inherpriorcommands,andfierce
determination,Grafbecame“thefirstAmericanwomantotakechargeofaUS
Navycruiser.”Butitallbegantounravelforherwhenatop-levelinvestigation
—promptedbymultiplecomplaintsbyherdirectreports—ledtheNavyto
relieveCaptainGrafofhercommandofthe9,600-tonUSSCowpens.
AccordingtotheTelegraph,“OneoftheworstincidentscameastheWinston
SChurchillleftaSicilianportunderCaptGraf’scommandontheeveoftheIraq
War...Assheenteredchoppierwaters,ashudderranthroughherhull.Capt
Grafwronglythoughtithadrunaground,andherresponsewasnottheepitome
ofcool-headedleadershipthatissoadmiredamongsailors.Shegrabbedthe
RoyalNavyofficer,wholatertoldinvestigatorsthatCaptGrafhad‘gotinmy
faceandscreamed“F***********.Youranmyf******shipaground.”’”
TheU.S.Navy’sinvestigationfoundthatGrafdisplayed“crueltyand
maltreatment”tosubordinatesoveraseven-yearperiod,whichearnedherthe
nicknamesthatsailorscalledherbehindherback,including“theSeaWitch”and
“HorribleHolly.”Ofthirty-sixwitnessesinterviewed,twenty-nineprovided
firsthandaccountsofincidentswhereGrafhad“demeaned,humiliated,publicly
belittledandverballyassaulted”subordinates.Theinvestigatorsfoundthat
CaptainGrafrepeatedlycalledherseniorofficers“idiots”andtoldone,“Take
yourGod-damnedattitudeandshoveitupyourassandleaveitthere.”Grafwas,
itseems,acluelessasshole.Shewas“incredulousattheaccusations”andtold
investigatorsthat“herwordswerenotmeanttobetakenpersonally.”
Unfortunately,CaptainGrafcreatedfearandmistrustinherfollowers,rather
thanstokingthecourage,skill,andconfidencesheintended.Thistroublingstory
alsodemonstratesthatwhencertifiedassholesmistakeunnecessarycrueltyfor
necessarytoughness,theycansufferself-inflicteddamagewhentheirmanysins
cometolight.
4. Isitanindividualorasystemicdisease? AprofessorfromEuropetoldme,
“Myuniversityislikeanairportforassholes,onelandshereeveryfewminutes.”
Hesaidabigpartoftheproblemwasthatrude,arrogant,andselfishfaculty
membersweremorelikelytobeofferedandacceptjobsathisuniversitythan
civilizedprofessors.Assholestendtobreedlikerabbitsbecauseofwhat
psychologistscallsimilarity-attractioneffects.AsRobertCialdinidocumentsin
hisclassicbookInfluence:ThePsychologyofPersuasion,thereisfarmore
evidencethat“birdsofafeatherflocktogether”than“oppositesattract.”That
beleagueredEuropeanprofessoralsodescribed—muchlikethatmarketing
managerwhoworkedattheA$$holeFactoryforsevenyears—howevenwhen
civilizedfacultywerehired,theysoonstartedactingliketherestofthejerks.
Such“infection”problemshappenbecauseemotionsareremarkably
contagious—badmoods,insults,rudeness,andsabotagespreadlikewildfire.For
example,EmilyHunterfromBaylorUniversityandLisaPenneyfromthe
UniversityofTexasstudiedresponsestodifficultcustomers(whoarerude,are
loud,makeexcessivedemands,andsoon)among438foodserviceemployees
(servers,hosts,bartenders,cashiers,andmanagers).Thefoodserviceworkers
admittedtoreciprocatingtherudenessinahostofways.Makingfunof
customersbehindtheirbacks,lyingtothem,makingthemwaitlonger,ignoring
them,andarguingbackatthemwereamongthemostcommonmeansof
payback.Inaddition,serversconfessedtoevenmoreextreme“negative
behaviors”includingrefusingareasonablerequest,insultingacustomer,
increasingatipwithoutthecustomer’spermission,andcontaminatingfood—
whichiswhytheresearcherstitledtheirarticle“TheWaiterSpitinMySoup!”
Whenplacesareplaguedwithhostilityanddisrespect,thereisnowhereto
hide.Thereismalicetowardmany,anditcanbeconveyedinmultiple
directions.Eitherpeopledon’trealizetheyareturningmeanjustlikeeverybody
elseortheybecomestrategicassholes—returningfiretodefendthemselvesfrom
thecreepsthatsurroundthem.Andbecausetheexposureisrelentless,andoften
moreintense,systemicassholeproblemsaremoredangerousanddifficultto
copewiththanisolatedpocketsofnastiness—orasinglejerk—inaseaof
civility.
Becareful,however,nottomistakeoneortwobadexperiencesorunpleasant
peopleforarottensystem.Thismistakeiseasytomakewhentheculprit
pretendsthattreatingyoulikedirtisacorporatepolicy—butheorsheisreally
justarenegadeasshole.BarryStaw—oneoftheresearcherswhostudiedthe
outburstsbybasketballcoaches—observesthatindividualjerkssometimes
justifytheirmistreatmentofothersby“dressingup”likeorganizations.Consider
thesurlyairlineemployeeorlocalbeancounterwhodeniesyourrequestsand
claimsitis“companypolicy”orwhokeepsyouwaitingforhoursorweeksand
tellsyoutoquitcomplainingbecausetheyarejustfollowing“standardoperating
procedures”thatareappliedtoeverybody.Thetruthis,theyarereallyjustjerks
pretendingtobeorganizations.
Or,itmightbethepersonwhositsnexttoyoueveryday,liketheCalifornia
salesrepwhowrotemeaboutapeerwhoclaimedthathemonitoredexactly
whattimesheandothersarrivedatworkeachmorningbecausehewasactingon
behalfofseniormanagement.Heoftenberatedandevencussedcolleaguesout
forbeingjustaminuteortwolate.Ittookthesalesrepawhiletofigureoutthat
managementdidn’twanthimoranyoneelsetobesopickyordisrespectful.She
finallyconfrontedthisjerk,asking,“Sincewhenareyoutheself-appointedhall
monitor/timeclockhere?”
Hewas“trulyshocked”andstammeredoutthathewasjustassisting
coworkersasa“mentor.”Thesalesrepsaid,“Iimmediatelyrepliedandgotvery
closetohim,lookingstraightintohiseyes,‘Wellitismoreliketorr-mentor.So
knockitoff.’”Asthissalesrepresentativediscovered,whenindividualsdressup
asorganizations,sometimestheytwist,exaggerate,orevendefytheletteror
spiritoftherealrules,andwilltrytobelittle,dismiss,frustrate,orignoreyou,
becausetheyareinsecure,lazy,onapowertrip,orplaguedbyotherpersonal
quirks.Butonceyououtthem,theirhouseofcardsjustmightcollapse.
Finally,bewaryofhowrapidlyasingleasshole,orjustafewofthem,can
ruinaoncecivilizedteamororganization—especiallyifbulliesand
backstabberstakechargeormoveintootherpowerfulroles.AsIdiscussnext,
themorepowerfulthattheseassholesare(especiallycomparedtothosewho
theytargetandtorment),themoredangerousanddifficulttheyaretodealwith.
5. Howmuchmorepowerdoyouhaveovertheasshole? Whenabully
operatesalone,hasnoallies,andhaslittlepowercomparedtoyouoranyone
else,theyaren’tlikelytoposeabigthreat.That’swhathappenedoncethesales
repexposedher“torr-mentor.”Orconsiderthefateofanotherpowerlessjerk.
Lastyear,IwenttoabaseballgameatthebeautifulSanFranciscoGiants’
homestadium.Towardtheendofthegame,somechoicefrontrowseatsbelow
mebecamevacant—theoccupantshadleft,atleastforawhile.Afanfromaless
desirablesectionmovedtothoseseatswithhiswifeandbabydaughter.A
Giants’“GuestServices”employeenoticedandcameoverandaskedthemto
movebacktotheiroriginalseats,explainingthattheyhadn’tpaidforthe
preferredseats,theoccupantsmightbeback,andtherewasaparkpolicyagainst
movingfromlessexpensivetomoreexpensivesectionsofthestadium(thatis
consistentlyenforced).TheGiants’employeewasafriendlyoldergentleman
andIhadnoticedtheregularsinthatsection—seasonticketholders—often
banteredwithhimduringthegame.
Unfortunately,thefatherreactedtothisemployee’srequestwithastreamof
insultsandexpletives;hiswife’sfaceturnedbrightredandsheleftwiththeir
daughterimmediately.Thefatherspentanotherfiveminutesorsorantingatand
insultingtheGiants’employee;thenhefinallyaccepteddefeatandleft.Ashe
walkedupthestairstowardwhereIwassitting,severalfanshollered“jerk”and
“asshole”athim.Theyweredisgustedwithhimforberatingawell-liked
employeewhowasjustdoinghisjobandruiningthesweetmoodonthatlovely
afternoon.Iwatchedhim—perhapstoointently—ashepassedmyseat.He
caughtmyeyeandhollered,“Iamnottheassholehere,amI?”Ididn’tanswer.
Therewasnopointbecausehewassopowerlessandheknewit.Everyonewas
againsthim:theGiants’organization,theotherfans,evenhiswife.
Thentherearepeoplewithmodestbutrealpower—andwhotakesick
satisfactionfromfrustratingandpushingothersaround.InTheFirefromWithin,
forexample,authorandanthropologistCarlosCastanedaexpresseddisdainfor
“minorpettytyrants”—peoplewithlimitedpowerwhoaredeterminedto
“persecuteandinflictmisery.”Pettytyrantswieldpoweroversomenarrowbut
unavoidabledomainandlorditovervictimsinsmall-minded,uncaring,and
demeaningways.The“RuleNazi”isacommonandespeciallyvexingbreed.As
ColumbiaUniversity’sHeidiGrantHalvorsonwroteontheHarvardBusiness
Review’swebsitein2016:“TheyclingtotheruleslikeLeonardoDiCaprioclung
tothatdoorinTitanic—asiftheirlivesdependonit.Andtheymakesure
everyoneelsedoestoo,evenwhentheruledoesn’tmakesenseorstandsinthe
wayofproductivity.”
IthinkofthatbankclerkwhoinsistedthatIcompletealongformallover
againbecauseImadeonesmallmistake—ratherthanallowingmetosimply
correctitandinitialit.OrtheadministratorsatStanfordwhowrote,and
enforced,theirrigidruleswithsuchgustothatIwasrequiredtowriteapersonal
checktoStanfordfor$14.12afterspendingtoomuchmoneyonwineata
recruitingdinnerforafacultycandidate(fourpeopleattendedandweeachhada
singleglassofthecheapestwineonthemenu).Asanother,moreflexible,
administratorpointedouttome,itprobablycostStanford$25toprocessmy
check.
Ahallmarkofpettytyrants—includingmanyRuleNazis—isthattheirpower
overanarrowdomainiscoupledwithlowprestige;theysimmerandsulkabout
thelackofrespecttheyget.Thismixofpowerandlowsocialstatuscreatesa
deadlybrew—itprovokesthemtotakeouttheirfrustrationandresentmenton
others.NathanaelFastoftheUniversityofSouthernCaliforniaandhis
colleaguesdidanexperimentthattriggeredthisbrandofabusebyuniversity
students.Theresearcherslabeledsomestudents“Workers,”toldthemthattheir
rolewouldentailmenialtasks,andthatfellowstudents“tendtolookdownon
theWorkerroleanddon’thaveadmirationorrespectforit.”
Otherstudentswereanointed“IdeaProducers”andtoldtheywouldbe
performingimportanttasksandthatfellowstudentslookeduptoandrespected
theposition.Studentsinbothgroupswerethenaskedtodictatewhich“hoops”
theirpartner(whowasimaginary,buttheybelievedwasreal)wouldhaveto
jumpthroughtoqualifyfora$50drawing.The“hoops”rangedfromactivities
thatweren’tdemeaningatall(e.g.,“telltheexperimenterafunnyjoke”)to
creepyandhumiliating(e.g.,“say‘Iamfilthy’fivetimes”and“barklikeadog
threetimes”).
Theresults?Thelowly“Workers”tookouttheirresentmentontheir
imaginarypartnersbyselectingfarmoredemeaningactsforthemtoperform.In
short,pettytyrantsarerarelyinapositiontoruinyourlife,butoftenwieldtheir
limitedauthoritytomakeyousuffer(andtomakethemselvesfeelmore
important).
Andjustbecauseyouarethebossdoesn’tmeanthatyouhavemorepower
thanyourunderlings.AveteranSiliconValleyCEOrelatedalessonthathe
learned(thehardway)aboutthedangersoftwo-facedandsociallyadept
underlings.ThisCEOdoeseverythingpossibletohireandencourage“blunt,no
BS”employeeswhoconfronthimwithfactsandstrongopinionsabout
problems,don’thesitatetocritiquehisconclusions,andtellhimwhenhehas
beentoohard(ortooeasy)onpeople.TheCEOemphasizedthat,solongas
employeesaren’tselfishorcrazy,hedoesn’tmindwhensuchconversationsget
heated.Hebelievesthatproblemsaremucheasiertotacklewhenthefactsand
associatedfeelingsareputonthetable—solongasthereismutualrespectand
(whennecessary)heartfeltapologiesafterpeoplecooldown.Tohim,themost
dangerousemployeesare“grinfuckers”whosmile,flatterhim,andnodin
agreementwithhim—butthenstabhimandthecompanyintheback.
Two-facedgrinfuckershavecertainsignaturemoves.Theypretendto
enthusiasticallyagreewitheverydecisionyoumakeorideathatyouhave,but
ratherthantellingyouwhentheydisagree,theyneveractuallyimplementthe
ideas,ordotheexactopposite,orintentionallyimplementthedecisionsorideas
sobadlythatfailureisinevitable.Thentheybad-mouthyouandothercolleagues
behindyourbacksforyourterribleideasandjudgment.
6. Howmuchareyoureallysuffering? Nomatterhowyouansweredthe
other“AssholeAssessment”questions,thisisthebottomline.Itisn’tmuchfun
tobeannoyedorupsetbydemeaningcustomers,colleagues,bosses,volunteers,
coaches,teachers,students,orstrangers.Butifthetolltheytakeonyouorothers
isgenerallymild,whileyoumightwanttostarttakingsomerelativelysimple
andeasyprotectivemeasures,thereisprobablynoimmediateneedforall-
consuming,urgent,orextrememoves.Ontheotherhand,ifyouorotherpeople
aregettingsick,experiencingdeepmalaise,doingcrummywork,orrunningfor
theexits,it’stimeformoreurgentandextrememeasures.
Remember,itcantakeonlyonehorriblepersontojustifyafull-blownasshole
emergency,likethesupervisorwhowrotemethatshewasplaguedwithconstant
headaches,stomachproblems,andinsomniabytheonslaughtofinsultsand
politicalbackstabbingfromherdepartmentalsecretary.Ontheotherhand,you
justmightbesomebodywhoisn’tbotheredallthatmuchbyspendingyourdays
knee-deepinjerks—perhapsbecauseyouarethick-skinnedorbecausetheprize
attheendissoimportantthatyourefusetoletthemgettoyou.
IsuspectbothofthesedefensesworkedtoprotectmyfriendBeckyMargiotta
whenshewasa“plebe”or“fourth-classcadet”attheUnitedStatesMilitary
AcademyatWestPointsometwentyyearsago.Fortheirentirefirstyearatthe
academy,plebesarerequiredto“ping”atalltimes:marchatabrisk180steps
perminute,greetallsuperiors,performanexhaustivelistofmenialtaskstototal
perfection,cleantheirroomstowhite-glovestandards,takeatwenty-credit-hour
courseload,andparticipateinmandatoryathletics,allwhilemaintainingtheir
militarybearingandshowingnoemotionatalltimes—regardlessofhowmuch
theyarescreamedat,insulted,orhumiliatedbyupper-classcadets.Whenplebes
makerealorimaginedmistakes(whichhappensconstantly),itisnotunusualfor
oneormoreupper-classcadetstoberatethemmercilessly.
IfyouassessBecky’spredicamentasaplebewiththeprior“Asshole
Assessment”questions,itseemsprettybleak.ThehazingwentonforBecky’s
entirefirstyear.Thoseupper-classcadetsheapedtheabuseonherdayafterday,
itwassystemic,andshehadnopower.Yet,ratherthanlettingthoseantics
bruisehersoul,Beckyfocusedonhowcreativeandamusinghertormentors
were.AsIdiscussinmoredetailinchapter5on“MindTricksThatProtectYour
Soul,”thiskindofmental“reframing”helpedBeckysurviveandthrivethatfirst
yearatWestPoint.Shewentontoasuccessfulmilitarycareer,whichincluded
servingasaSpecialOperationsofficer.
BECONFIDENT,BUTNOTREALLYSURE
I’veurgedyoutoresistmakingsnapjudgmentsaboutassholesandIhave
warnedyouaboutthedangersofoverconfidence.ThatCEOwhodespised
“grinfuckers”usedoneofthebestantidotestosuchdelusions.Hesoughtoutand
surroundedhimselfwithpeoplethathetrustedtotellhimthetruth(ratherthan
whathehopedtohear)abouttheseverityandnuancesofchallengesthatheand
thecompanyfaced—andwhenhewasscrewingup.Toborrowalessonfrom
WhartonprofessorAdamGrant’sbest-sellingbookGiveandTake,itissmartto
treateveryassholesurvivalproblemasatwo-waystreet—whereyoubothoffer
andaskforhelp.Bygivinghelptotroubledtargetsandwitnessesastheytryto
sizeupanddealwithjerks,younotonlydogooddeeds;youequipyourselfto
withstandandtobattlethemaliceandincivilityinyourownlife.Yourallieswill
usuallyfeelobligedtoreturnthefavor,tohelpsupport,protect,andfightfor
you.Andyouwilllearnsecondhandlessonsthatcanhelpyoutodealwithyour
ownassholeproblemsdowntheline.It’smoreefficient—andlesspainful—if
youdon’tmakeeverymistakeyourself,nomatterhowinstructiveeachmightbe.
AsasayingsometimesattributedtoEleanorRooseveltgoes,“Learnfromthe
mistakesofothers.Youcan’tlivelongenoughtomakethemallyourself.”
Finally,thebestwaytostriketherightbalancebetweenrecklessactionand
paralyzingdoubtiscapturedinrockstarTomPetty’slinein“SavingGrace”:
“You’reconfidentbutnotreallysure.”AsIwroteontheHarvardBusiness
Reviewwebsitein2010,that’swhatwisdommeanstoorganizational
psychologist(andmyintellectualhero)KarlWeick.Wisepeople“havethe
couragetoactontheirbeliefsandconvictionsatthesametimethattheyhave
thehumilitytorealizethattheymightbewrong,andmustbepreparedtochange
theirbeliefsandactionswhenbetterinformationcomesalong.”
Sotakealittletimetofigureouthowbadyourpredicamentisandwhatyou
oughttodoaboutit.Thenchargeforwardwithfierceresolve.Butstayonthe
lookoutforcluesaboutlittlethingsthataren’tworking—andthatyourentire
strategyiswrongandneedstobemassivelyrevisedorjunked.That’sthekindof
wisdomthatTomPettyandKarlWeickaretalkingabout.
3
MakeaCleanGetaway
IBELIEVEinquitting.
LegendaryAmericanfootballcoachVinceLombardiwaswrongwhenhe
said,“Winnersneverquitandquittersneverwin.”
ConsiderthecaseofconveniencestorecashierMistyShelsky.Shequitafter
WilliamErnst,owneroftheIowa-basedQCMartchain,“offereda$10cash
prizetoworkerswhocouldpredictwhichofthemwouldnextbefired.”Shelsky
andseveralotheremployeesresignedwhentheyrealizedthatthecompany
memoaboutthecontestwasn’tajoke.AsshetoldtheDesMoinesRegisterin
October2011,“Itwasverydegrading.Welookedatthat,thenlookedateach
other,andsaid‘OK,we’redone.’”OtherQCMartemployeesstayedbutwrote
managementtoexpressstrongobjections.WhenShelskyappliedfor
unemploymentbenefits,ownerErnstchallengedtheclaimbecauseshehad
resignedandnotbeenfired.JudgeSusanAckermanawardedShelskybenefits
becauseErnsthad“createdahostileworkenvironment”andcalledthe
competition“egregiousanddeplorable.”
Gettingoutcanprovidesweetrelieffromacertifiedjerkorfromaplace
wherejerksruletheroost.Leavingthescenecanalsosaveyoufrombriefbut
dreadfulencounters.Numerousstudiesshowthatpeoplewhoface,orsimply
witness,mean-spiritedactsoftenreactbyleavingandavoidingthesceneofthe
crimethereafter.TheresearchbyYalesociologistPhilipSmithandhis
colleaguesonrudestrangersfoundthatover50%ofthe585victimsthatthey
interviewedreactedwithsomeformof“exit”—leavingorlookingawayin
responsetobeingpushedorbumped,holleredat,spatat,tailgated,andother
indignities.
DanaYagiloftheUniversityofHaifashowsthat“whenthecustomeris
wrong”andtreatsserviceemployeeslikedirt,theyreactbytakingsickdaysand
thenresigningbecausetheyfearmoreabuseinthefuture.Vilebossesand
coworkersdriveemployeesandcustomersoutaswell.BennettTepper’sstudy
tracked712employeesinamedium-sizedmidwesterncity:thosewithabusive
supervisorsweremorelikelytovoluntarilyquittheirjobs.AndChristinePorath
ofGeorgetownUniversityandhercolleaguesfoundthatwhencustomerswitness
employeeswhoare“uncivil”toeachother,theybecomeangryatthe
establishment,bad-mouthit,andtaketheirbusinesselsewhere.
YetthereisjustaTENDENCYforpeopletofleefromjerks.Manypeople
can’torwon’tescape.Somearejuststuck.Oncethedoorofthattrain,airplane,
orbuscloses,ifyoucan’tchangeseats,youarecondemnedtodealwiththe
nearbyjerksforthedurationofyourtrip.Oryoumightbestuckinabadjobor
workplace:employeesinTepper’sstudywhoweretrapped—whodidn’tleave
abusivebossesbecauseitwashardtofindotherwork—werelesssatisfiedwith
theirjobsandmoredepressed;theyalsosufferedelevatedemotionalexhaustion
andconflictbetweenworkandfamily.
Peoplewhocanbailout,butdon’t,oftenstickaroundforgoodreasons.
Perhapstheharmisn’tbadenoughtomakeotheroptionslessattractive.Some
peoplesuffermightilybutbelievewhattheyaredoingissocrucialand
satisfyinginotherwaysthattheytoughitout.Othersfeelobligedtostickaround
andprotectthebullies’mostvulnerabletargets;theybecome,ineffect,“human
shields”whopridethemselvesintakingtheheatforweakervictims.Andsome
staybecausetheyaredeterminedtobattleanddefeattheirtormentors.
Peoplewhocan’torwon’tgetoutcanespeciallybenefitfromthetacticsfor
reducingexposureinchapter4,themindtricksforprotectingyoursoulin
chapter5,andthemeansforfightingbackinchapter6.Unfortunately,toomany
peoplewithseriousassholetroubleswhocanandoughttoescapeengageinself-
deception.Theydeludethemselvesintobelievingthatthingsaren’treallysobad
ortheyaretrappedwhentheyreallyaren’t—andthusdoomthemselves,and
thosetheydragdownwiththem,intotakingfarmoreunnecessarycrapforfar
longerthannecessary.
ASSHOLEBLINDNESS
Themarketingmanagerinchapter2whoenduredsevenyearsatthe“A$$hole
Factory”toldastorythatisalltoocommon.Ittookhimfartoolongtorealize
howmuchhewassuffering,thathehadbetteroptions,andtojustflat-outquit.
I’veheardhundredsofsimilarreports.AnITservicesemployeewroteme
aboutthe“clenchedanger,coldasshole”thathestruggledtopleaseandprotect
himselffromforeightyears.Hisordealaddsatroublingtwist:ifyouwaittoo
long,theexitoptionsthatyouoncehadmayevaporate.Hisbossneverinsulted
employeesorhadoutbursts;rather,hesaid,“Whatshehadwasahard,coldrage
andtheiciesteyesIhaveeverdealtwith.”Thisbossholewashighlysuspicious
andalwaysinterpretederrorsormistakesasbeingintentional,hadnoempathyat
either“thepracticaloremotionallevel,”neveradmittedshewaswrongeven
onceduringthoseeightyears,andcreatedaCatch-22whereifhetookinitiative
onaproject,shereactedwith“irritatedcriticism”;whenhedidn’ttakeinitiative,
shelambastedhimforinaction.Hefinallygaveupandquitin2015.Bythen,
thispoorfellowwashavingtroublegettinganewjobbecausehecouldn’tget
goodreferences,whichhecouldhavereceivedthefirstcoupleyearsonthejob.
Heregretsnotleavingearlier,wondersifheshouldhavegoneoverherheadto
complain,andfeelsshameforputtingup“withhercrapsolong.”
Neitherhenoranyoneelseoughttobeashamedofputtingupwiththis
unnecessaryabuse—thatshouldbereservedfortheperpetrators.Yetthisstoryis
instructive.HewasafflictedwithwhatIcall“AssholeBlindness,”wherepeople
don’trealizeorunderestimatehowdireanassholeproblemis,howmuchthey
andperhapsothersaresuffering,andhowimportantitistogetoutassoonas
possible.
AssholeBlindnessisfueledbytheone-twopunchofhabituationanddeluded
justifications.Abully,blowhard,orcoldheartedcreep—orapackofthem—can
belikeaterriblesmell.Atfirstthestinkmaydisturbanddisgustyou.Aftera
while,however,yougetusedtoitanddon’tnoticeordwellonitasmuch(ifat
all).That’shabituationanditseemedtoafflictthemanagerattheA$$hole
Factorydescribedinchapter2;everyonewassomean,hewassounpleasant,
andtherewassomuchunhappinessaroundhimforsolongthatthehideous
scenebecamesomethingthatseemednormalandhedidn’tthinkaboutitmuch
afterawhile.
Yet,especiallywhenassholeproblemsaresevere,andjerkskeepdoingtheir
dirtyworkinvariedways,it’stoughtotunethemoutcompletely.Sopeople
deceivethemselves(andsometimesothers)withhalf-truthsandliesthatprevent
themfromacceptingjusthowbadthingsare,howlongithaslastedandwillgo
on,orhowmuchdamageisbeingdone.Abigreasonthatpeopledevelopsuch
delusionsstemsfromwhatacademicscall“escalatingcommitmenttoafailing
courseofaction”or“thesunkcostfallacy.”Inotherwords,youknowthings
suck,butyouhavealreadyputsomuchtimeandeffortintoitthat,asIexplained
inTheNoAssholeRule,youareafflictedwithtoo-much-invested-to-quit
syndrome.Thissyndromefuelstwistedperceptionsandself-destructivebehavior
because“wejustifyallthetime,effort,suffering,andyearsandyearsthatwe
devotetosomethingbytellingourselvesandothersthattheremustbesomething
worthwhileandimportantaboutitorweneverwouldhavesomuchofourlives
sunkintoit.”
ThinkofthemanagerattheA$$holeFactoryandtheITemployeewhoserved
the“clenchedanger,coldasshole.”Everyadditionalweek,month,andyear
createdgreaterpressureonthemtojustifywhytheyhadvoluntarilycontinuedto
stayinsuchabadsituation,whichledthemtostayonandon—andtoconjure
upmoreandmorereasonswhytheyoughttokeepsufferingratherthantocut
theirlossesandquittheirlousyjobs.Beware,however,thatsuchescalation
dynamicscantakeholdveryquickly—experimentsbypsychologistsand
economistsshowthatifyoumakeapubliccommitmenttosomething,andwork
hardonitforjustafewminutes,abandoningadecision,belief,orgroup
becomesdifficult.
CheckoutmylistofjustificationsthatfuelAssholeBlindness,the“TenLies
ThatPeopleTellThemselves.”Thesearecommonrationalizationsthatpeople
usetoexplainwhytheyhaven’tmadeacleangetaway.Sometimestheyarewise
andtrue.Yet,toooften,theyarebullshit,half-truthsandliesthatpeopletell
themselves.Liketheinsurancecompanyclerkwhowroteme:“ForsixyearsI
wasabusedandIshouldhavedonewhatyousayandgotoutassoonasIcould.
Butyougetcomfortableandusedtotheabuse.Youeventhinkyouare
successfullymanagingtheabuser’sbehaviorwithyourbehavior.RidiculousI
know.Isufferedeverythingyoumentionedincludingdepression,anxietyand
justplainunhappiness.”
Areyoulivinginafool’sparadiselikethatclerk?Ordosomeofthese“Ten
Lies”belowdescribehowpeoplearoundyouaretryingtojustifytheirfailureto
leaveabadsituation(ortoevenconsiderthepossibility)?
ASSHOLEBLINDNESS:
TenLiesThatPeopleTellThemselves
1. Denialaboutthepresent:“It’sreallynotthatbad.”It
actuallyisaterriblesituation—youarelivinginafool’s
paradise.
2. Imaginaryimprovement:“It’sreallygettingbetter.”This
iswishfulthinking;thingsareasbadas,orworsethan,ever.
3. Falsehope:“Thingsaregoingtogetmuchbettersoon.”
Youkeephoping—afterall,youareanoptimist.Butthe
brightertomorrowthatyoukeepwishingandhopingfor
hasn’thappened.Andthereisnogoodreasontobelieveit
everwill.
4. Tomorrownevercomes:“Iwillleaveforsomethingbetter
rightafterIfinishthisoneimportantthing.”Thenthere
willbeonemorething,thenanother,thenanother.Lifeis
messy.Ifyouarewaitingtotieaneatandprettybowonit,
andtoleaveattheperfectmoment,youmaywaitforever.
5. Ithurtssogood:“Iamlearningsomuchandmakingsuch
greatconnectionsthattheabuseisworthwhile.”Butisall
thedamageyouandthosearoundyouaresufferingreally
worthit?Andaren’tyouworriedaboutturningintoan
assholetoo(orperhapsitistoolate)?
6. Thesaviorcomplex:“OnlyIcanmakethingsbetter.No
oneelsecanreplaceme.”Soifthat’strue,whyarethingsso
badinthefirstplace?Isitpossiblethatnotonlyareyou
suffering,butyouarepowerlesstofixthings?Orthatyouare
unwittinglyfuelingtheassholeproblemandsomeoneelse
wouldbebetterequippedtodealwithit?
7. Iamnotawimp:“Sure,it’sbad.ButIamtough.It’snot
affectingme.”Hmm.Iwonderifthepeoplearoundyou
wouldagree.
8. Icanturnitonandoff:“Sure,it’sbad.ButIamadeptat
‘compartmentalizing’soitdoesn’treallyaffectmyfriends
orfamily.”Whatdofriendsandfamilysaybehindyour
back?
9. Self-righteoussuffering:“Sure,itisbadforme,butitisso
muchworseforothers,Ihavenorightcomplain.”
Anythingcouldalwaysbeworse.Martyrdomisalousy
excuseforstayinginaterriblesituation.
10. Thegrasswillbeevenbrowner:“It’sbadhere,butit
wouldbeevenworseformeelsewhere.”Sure,noplaceis
perfect.Andsomeplacesmightbeworse.Buthaveyoureally
checkedoutyourotheroptions?Thissmellslikealame
excuse.
Consideronemorecautionarytale.ApoliceofficerfromtheMidwestwrote
mehowheputupwithhumiliationandostracismatthesamedepartmentwhere
hehadonceenjoyedrespectandsuccess.Inhisearlyyears,herosefromapatrol
officer,tosergeant,tolieutenant,toactingchiefandhadalwaysreceived
glowingperformanceevaluations.Thenanewcitymanagercameinand,within
sixmonths,haddemotedhimbackdowntosergeantandthentopatrolofficer.
Thecitymanagerexplainedtotheofficerthathewasdemoted,andothers
promoted,because,ashesaid,“Yes,youcandothejob,butIwantsomeone
whoisanasshole.”Theofficerhadotheroptionsbutelectedtoendurethese
demotionsandindignitiesincluding“socialisolation”andthe“silenttreatment”
foryears.Heleftthedepartmentonlywhen,aftertakingamilitaryleavetoserve
inAfghanistanforayear(hewasamemberoftheNationalGuardandcalledup
foractiveduty),thecityslashedhispaybyalmost50%andstrippedhimofall
hisseniority.Thenhequitandhiredalawyer.
Alas,thisofficerknewhowbadhissituationhadbecomeyearsbeforeheleft
forAfghanistan—andhealsohadopportunitiestojoinotherpolicedepartments.
Buthefellpreytoatleasttwoofthedelusionsonmylist.Hetoldhimselfthings
weren’tthatbadandkeptexpectingthingstogetbetter—althoughhewasunder
siegeandthingsactuallykeptgettingworse.Theofficerwasalsoproudofthe
thickskinhedevelopedduringhisovertwentyyearsintheU.S.Marinesand
NationalGuard—anadmirablequalityinasoldierorpoliceofficer,butitproved
tobeadouble-edgedsword,asthe“Iamnotawimp”factorprovidedfurther
justificationforstayingput.
ASMARTGETAWAY
The“takethisjobandshoveit”storyaboutJetBlueflightattendantSteven
Slaterisclassic.Slaterhadgoodreasontobepissedoffatapassengerandfed
upwithhisjob.TheGuardianreportedthat,beforetheirplanetookofffrom
PittsburghonAugust9,2010,Slaterhad“beendrawnintoafightbetweentwo
femalepassengersoverspaceintheoverheadbins.”Intheprocess,hewas
accidentallyhithardonhisheadbytheirluggage.Whentheflightlandedin
NewYork“oneofthewomen,whohadbeenforcedtocheckinherbagrather
thancarryitashandluggage,wasangrythatitwasnotimmediatelyavailable.”
Shesworeatandinsultedhim.
Slaterwassofedupthathegotonthemicrophoneandcussedoutpassengers,
grabbedtwobeers,andthenactivatedandsliddowntheemergencyescapeslide.
Slater’sbrazengetawaymadehimafolkhero.Hewascelebratedontalkshows
andattractedmorethantwentythousandFacebookfans.Yetintheend,asthe
Guardianreported,helosthisjob,did$25,000ofdamagetotheplane,and
causedflightdelays.Slaterwasconvictedofcriminalmischief,givenayearof
probation,andrequiredtopayJetBlue$10,000inrestitution.Slaterexpressed
regretandsaidhe“crackedunderpressurebecauseofhisterminallyillmother,
recentlydeceasedfatherandhealthproblemsofhisown,includingHIV.”
YOUROPTIONSANDAPPETITEFORRISK
Yes,youshouldtrytogetawayfromassholes,butdon’tbeanidiotaboutit.
Alas,inretrospect,StevenSlater’sfifteenminutesoffameprobablywasn’t
worthitforhim.Fantasiesaboutdramaticexitsorexactingrevengearegoodfun
—butactingonthemmayhurtyoumorethanyourtormentors.Andresistingthe
temptationcanbetough.Whenpeoplefeelasiftheyarebeingtreatedlikedirt,
manyfeelamightystrongurgetoresigninabruptorconfrontationalways.
That’swhatstudiesbyAnthonyKlotzandMarkBolinosuggest;they
conductedthemostextensiveresearchI’vefoundondifferent“resignation
styles.”ProfessorsKlotzandBolinofoundthat“bridgeburning”and“impulsive
quitting”occurredinabout15%ofresignations(about70%ofresignations
happenedinlessdramaticorinmorecivilizedways).Butemployeeswhofelt
theyhadbeentreatedunfairly,hadanabusiveboss,ordislikedthepeoplethey
workedwithwereespeciallypronetousetheseangryandinstantresignation
styles.And,asyoumightexpect,bridgeburningandimpulsivequitting
triggerednegativereactionsintheirsupervisors.
Theupshotisthatifyouareangryatyourwickedorganization,boss,and
coworkers,youareprobablytemptedtomakeafastandfieryexit.Butdoso
onlywithextremecaution:suchimpulsescanbedangerousbecause,ifyouact
onthem,itjustmightprovokesomepowerfulandmean-spiritedpeopletomake
youpayforitlater.That’swhy,whenpeoplethreatentoquitabruptly,doitin
recklesswaysthatburnbridges,orboth(evenifitisn’tinasdramaticafashion
asStevenSlaterdid),thefirstquestionIaskis“Whatareyourotheroptions?”
Thesecondquestionis“Howmuchriskareyouwillingtotake?”
Toillustrate,ayoungattorneywhowasayearintoatwo-yearclerkshipfora
U.S.federaljudgedescribedtomewhy,aftertalkingtohermentorsfromlaw
school,shedecidedtoendureasecondyearinacorrosiveworkplace.Federal
clerkshipsareprestigiouspositionsforyoungattorneys—theyinvolvedoing
everythingfrom“ghost-writingopinionstofetchingcoffeeandfaxesforyour
judge.”Shehadasimilarpositiontheyearbeforewithawonderfuljudgeand
fellowclerks,butinhernewjob,“Ienteredontothescenewithtwoco-clerks
whoyellandbelittleeachother(andme)ateverychance.”Thejudgesetthe
tonebythrowingonetantrumafteranother;heflewintoarageoversillythings
suchas“alateorincorrectwaterjugdelivery.”Sheadded,“Myco-clerksare
probablydepressed;it’sunderstandable.Oneofthemgetsveryangryandbangs
hisphoneonhisdeskviolentlywhenhe’supset.”
Yetthislawyerdecidedthatbailingoutontheclerkshipwasevenworsethan
staying:shehad“massive”studentdebttopayoffandquittingwas“career
suicide”;futureemployerswouldseeherasdamagedgoods.Myimmediate,
knee-jerkreactionwhenshedecidedtostayinthatcesspool—wheresheworked
twelvehoursaday,includingmostweekends—wassheshouldquit,perhaps
evenpullaStevenSlater.ButwhenIconsideredherdebtandthecareer-limiting
effectsofresigning,Ihadtorespectandsupportherdecisiontostay.Shejust
didn’thavebetteroptions.Atleastsheknewthatwitheverypassingday,she
wasgettingclosertotheendofhertwo-year“sentence.”Incontrast,quitting
makesmoresenseifyouhavegoodexitoptions,anappetiteforrisk,orboth.A
differentattorneywrotethatshefinallyescapeda“terriblejobthatwassucking
mysoulandmakingmemiserable”andthatshehadstartedherownsololaw
practiceandwashappierthanshe’deverbeen.And,althoughIurgepeopleto
bewareoftherisksofburningbridgesastheysaygood-bye,Iwasamusedthat
sheplacedherresignationletterinacopyofTheNoAssholeRuleandgaveitto
heroppressiveandsoullessboss.
Finally,asthestudyofoutburstsbybasketballcoachesinchapter2suggests,
ifyouareknownasahothead,thenleavinginahuffprobablywon’tsurpriseor
concernanyone.Butifyouareseenasbeingeven-temperedandupbeat,and
leavewithafieryattack,yourunexpectedexplosionmaybetakenasasignthat
theproblemisTHEMandnotYOU.Soyoumightevenbringdownthelocal
assholeswithyou.Keepinmindthatthis“KamikazeMethod”isrisky.Ifyou
useit,youbetterhaveotheroptionslinedupandbepreparedforbad-mouthing
andbackstabbingbyyourformerassociates.
Butsometimesitworks,asitdidforaneven-temperedengineerwhofinally
“snapped.”Hewrotemeabouthis“IquitandI’mtakingyoudownwithme”
method.Beforethisengineerexplodedwithrageathisboss,hehadcarefully
documentedherrelentlessabuse(butnotyetshareditwithmanagement).Then,
inaheatedmeeting,heexplainedtotopmanagementexactlywhyhewas
quitting;he“letthemknowtheyareculpableforallthementalanguishand
turnoverandpoorresultsstemmingfromtheasshole.”Thisoutbursthadthe
intendedeffect:“Twohourslatershewaswalkedout.Nowthedepartmentis
doinggreatandactuallyproducinginsteadoftryingtomanagethereactionsofa
lunatic.”
CANYOUJUSTMOVE?
AStanfordgraduatestudenttoldmethathiswifeandkidsresistedgoingto
churchonSundaysbecausetheydreadedencounterswithafamilyofbraggarts
andbulliessomuch.Thenhisfamilyswitchedtoanearlierservicethatthe
despisedfamilyneverattended:thestudent’swifeandkidsnotonlystopped
resistingandcomplainingaboutgoingtochurch;everyonecamebackfrom
churchinfarbettermoods.TheLordworksinmysteriousways.
Tostickwithplacesofworship,thewifeofaJewishcantorinNewYorkCity
wrotemethatherhusbandhadworkedforahorriblerabbi.Butthehusband
figuredouthowtoswitchtoasynagoguewithawonderfulrabbithatheknew
acrosstown—andhowmuchhappierandhealthierhewas,shewas,andtheir
childrenwereallasaresult.
Researchonmanagersandleadersshowswhy—ratherthanleavingacurrent
employer—findinganewjob,boss,team,ordepartmentinthesame
organizationmightbethebeststrategy.DecadesofresearchbyGallup,and
morerecentresearchbythe“PeopleAnalytics”groupatGoogletoo,confirmthe
oldsaying“peopleleavebosses,notcompanies.”Whetheryouworkfora
companylikeGooglethatroutinelytopsFortune’s“100BestCompaniesto
WorkFor”listoratcompanieslikeExpressScripts,Sears,orXeroxthatthe
careerwebsiteGlassdoorratedasamongthetenworstplacesin2016,thereare
stillbigdifferencesbetweentheworstandbestbossesandteamsinyour
organization.And,asaninsider,youprobablyhavemorepreciseinformation
aboutwherethetoxicversusterrificpeoplereside.
That’swhysmartorganizationslikeSalesforce.commakeiteasyfor
employeestoswitchinternalteams.WhenmyStanfordcolleagueHuggyRao
interviewedSalesforceexecutivesChrisFryandSteveGreenin2012,they
explainedthatteamswereencouragedtoactivelyrecruitengineersfromwithin
thecompany,andthatengineerswhoelectedtoleaveanoldteamforanewone
didnotneedpermissionfromtheiroldbosses.ChrisandStevetoldusthat,each
year,about20%ofengineersdecidetoswitchtoanotherteam—andwhenaboss
keepslosingmembersandcan’trecruitnewones,seniormanagementtakesthat
asasignthattheleaderisn’ttreatingpeopleright,isn’tcompetent,orboth.Chris
andStevehavesinceleftSalesforce,butwhenwecheckedwithcurrent
executivesinlate2016,theyreportedthesamepoliciesremaininplaceandthis
“internallabormarket”amongSalesforce’sfour-hundred-plusengineeringteams
continuestohelpthemkeeppeoplewhowouldotherwiseleavethecompany.
Inotherorganizations,peopletransfertodifferentlocationsorjobswhere
fewerirateandinconsideratecustomerswillplaguethem.Considerastudyof
stressamongFrenchbusdriversledbyresearcherNathalieLouit-Martinod.Her
teamfoundthatdriversstruggledtocopewithpackedbuses,streetscrowded
withrudedriversandpedestrians,andobnoxiouspassengerswhoinsulted,
sexuallyharassed,andspatatthem.Driverswerealsoharanguedforbeinglate,
drivingtoofast,anddrivingtooslow.Thestresscausedsomedriverstojust
quit.Butmanystayed,inpartbecausesenioritygavethemtheopportunityfor
somerelief,forexample,bytransferringtolesscrowdedroutesandtoareas
wherepassengerswereknowntobemorecivilized.Andonecompanyoperated
bothbusesandtrams:mostbusdriverstransferredtoatramassoonaspossible
becauseithadaseparatecabinthefront,whichreducedcontactwithpassengers
andwasseenasmoreprestigiousanddignifiedwork.
BRIEFBUTDREADFULENCOUNTERS
Whenyoufaceshortrun-inswithpeoplewhoarerude,demeaning,and
disrespectful,andwhoreallygetunderyourskinandannoyyou,sometimesit’s
justbettertogetawayfromthemforawhile.
Aproductmanagerwrotethatwhenhewasstuckinmeetingswithcolleagues
orclientswhodrovehimcrazy,andhestartedworryinghewoulddoorsay
somethinghewouldlaterregret,hejuststoodupandsaid,“Forgiveme,butI
needtocallmyeighty-five-year-oldmother.”Itwassuchagoodandwholesome
reasonthatnooneeverobjected—andhismotherwasalwaysdelightedtohear
fromhim.Oryoumightaskyourself,ifthemovie,play,party—oreventhe
wedding—thatyou’reattendingisgoingtocontinueforawhile,ifyoufeel
undersiege,surroundedbyoverbearingorargumentativepeople,ifyoucan
leaveatthefirstless-than-rudeopportunity,youshould.
Inschool,wearealltaughttostayinourseatsuntilwearedismissed,which
enablesteacherstomaintaindisciplineandcreateamoreorderlyclassroom.But
theselessonsinconformitycanhurtuslaterinlife.Muchasyoulookforthefire
exitsinatheaterorhotel,itiswisetoalwayskeeplookingforsocially
acceptableexitoptions.Forexample,afterusingLyftandUbertogetaround
SanFranciscoforseveralyears,I’velearnedthat—whilemostdriversare
wonderful—everynowandthenIgetonewhorantsonaboutpolitics,asksme
offensivepersonalquestions,or—recently—pressedmetobuyanelectronics
devicethathesoldontheside.Solongasweareinasafeplace,andinalocale
whereotherdriversareplentiful,Iasktobeletoutearlyandthensummona
newcar.Itaddsafewminutestomyjourneyandcostsmeafewbucks,butI
alwaysfeelsomuchbetter.
TROLLSANDOTHERONLINEASSHOLES:
IGNORING,UNFRIENDING,ANDBLOCKING
Thenerdsfrommultipleresearchlabswhobandedtogethertocreatethe
ARPANET(theforerunnertotheInternet)inthe1960sand1970scouldnot
haveimaginedthattheirinventionswouldsetthestageforaworldwideplague
called“cyberbullying”—thewrenchingandridiculousonlineharassmentthat
rangesfromname-calling,tosexualharassment,tostalking,tophysicalthreats.
Indeed,asteadystreamofsuchnastinessisnowpartoftheterritoryforfamous
people.Eventhemostwholesomeandinnocentstarssufferthroughstretches
wheretheinsecure,vindictive,andoftenanonymoustrollsriseupagainstthem.
That’swhathappenedduringthe2016Olympicswhengymnastandfive-time
goldmedalistGabbyDouglaswaslabeled#CrabbyGabbyandflamedonsocial
mediabythousandsofpeople.Shewasleftheartbrokenandfeltcompelledto
apologizeforslightsthatwereunintentional,trivial,and—inmyview—
nonexistent.
Gabby’smotherNatalieHawkinsrecountedherdaughter’sallegedsinsto
Reuters:“She’shadtodealwithpeoplecriticizingherhair,orpeopleaccusing
herofbleachingherskin.Theysaidshehadbreastenhancements,theysaidshe
wasn’tsmilingenough,she’sunpatriotic.”
Peoplewhoaren’tquitefamous,butgarnerpublicattention,attracttrollstoo.
CambridgeUniversityhistorianMaryBeardisamongthemostintriguingand
feistytargets,especiallyforsexistassholes.Beardisknownforherpopular
booksontheRomanEmpireandstrongopinionsontopicsincluding“themany
waysthatmenhavesilencedoutspokenwomensincethedaysoftheancients”—
whichshediscussesinfilms,TV,andsocialmedia.AsreportedbyTheNew
Yorkerin2016,Beardhaslearnedthatwomenwho“ventureintotraditional
maleterritory”provokeonlineabuse.Beardobservesthatinsultssuchas“shut
upyoubitch”areeverydayfareandphysicalthreatsareremarkablycommon—
suchasthesicktweetonecreephurledatBeard,“I’mgoingtocutoffyourhead
andrapeit.”
Thereisplentyofquantitativeevidencethatonlineharassmentisoutof
control.A2014surveyofsomethreethousandU.S.adultsbyPewResearch
foundthat73%havewitnessedothersbeingharassedonlineand40%have
experienceditpersonally—forexample,27%oftheseInternetusersreported
beingcalledoffensivenamesand7%reportedbeingharassedforanextended
period.Pewfoundthatyoungadultseighteentotwenty-fouryearsoldwere
especiallylikelytoexperienceharassment,whichisn’tsurprising,asyoung
adultsaretheheaviestusersofsocialmedia.TheresearchsummaryonPew’s
websitealsoreportsthatwomeninthisagegroupwereespeciallylikelyto
experiencethemostsevereformsofharassment:25%weresexuallyharassed
and26%werestalked.
Thisnastinesshappensbecausetrollshidebehindanonymousscreennames.
Butthat’sonlypartofthestory.MuchoftheharassmentuncoveredinthePew
studywashurledattargetsbyfriends,acquaintances,andpeoplewhousetheir
realnamesongamingsites,socialmedia,andinemailsandtextmessages.Many
assholeswhobashedandbelittledGabbyDouglasandMaryBeardusedreal
namesonline.AndwhenWallStreetJournalreporterElizabethBernsteindid
researchforastoryoncyberbullying,manyofthevictimswhosheinterviewed
knewtheirtormentors,including“ateacherwhowascyberbulliedbyastudent,a
womancyberbulliedbyneighborsupsetaboutherdog,andamanwho’d
receivedmorethan500nastytextsin48hoursfromhisex-girlfriend.”
Thecommondenominatoramongallthesepurveyorsofinsults,disrespect,
andhateisalackofeyecontactwiththeirtargets—whichseemstobethemain
reasonthatonlineassholesfeelsounfetteredbytheempathy,guilt,andplainold
civilitythatmightstoporslowtheirwrathduringface-to-faceinteractions.For
example,behavioralscientistsNoamLapidot-LeflerandAzyBarakatthe
UniversityofHaifaassignedpairsofcollegestudentstoengageindebatesvia
textmessages.Theseresearchersexaminedmultiplefactorsthatcoulddetermine
howniceormeanthestudentsweretoeachother,includingwhetherthestudents
(whowerestrangers)spenttimegettingtoknoweachotherbeforestartingthe
debate.Theirmainfindingwasthatwhenstudentsmaintainedeyecontactduring
thedebates,theymadefarfewerthreatsorotherhostilecomments—whetherthe
duohadspenttimegettingtoknoweachotherbeforehand(ornot)didn’tmatter.
Sowhatdoyoudoaboutonlineassholes?Forstarters,aswiththosejerksyou
faceinperson,manyofthebestsolutionsentailsimplyleavinguglyencounters
ratherthanstickingaroundtothrowtheirshitbackatthem.Andifyouare
attackedbyacertifiedasshole,endtherelationshipifyoucan.AsTheNew
YorkerreportedinthestoryaboutMaryBeard,“ThereisevenaTwitteraccount,
@AvoidComments,whichissuesmonitorystatements:‘Youwouldn’tlistento
someonenamedBonerman26inreallife.Don’treadthecomments.’”
CyberbullyingexpertPatriciaWallaceoftheUniversityofMarylandtoldthe
WallStreetJournal’sElizabethBernsteinthatsheadvisesvictimsto“unfriend,
unfollow,unlink.”
ThePewResearchsurveyconfirmsthatignoringthejerksandending
relationshipscanbeeffectivemeasures:60%ofthosesurveyedelectedtoignore
theirmostrecentbullyingincident,andmost(over80%)saiditworked.Similar
toPatriciaWallace’sadvice,thePewsurveyfoundthatothereffective
withdrawaltacticsincludedunfriendingorblockingtheharasser,changingyour
username,deletingyouronlineprofile,withdrawingfromtheonlineinteraction,
andsimplyneverreturningtotheupsettingonlineplace.
Thatsaid,althoughitismoreriskythanignoringorbefriendingonlinetrolls
andtormentors,confrontingtheirnastinessdoesworksometimes.Morethan
20%ofthevictimsinterviewedbyPewdidconfronttheirabusersandmost
reportedthatdoingsoimprovedthesituation.AndhistorianMaryBeardhas
becomeacultheroinsomecirclesforbattlingonlineassholes:“TheTroll
Slayer”ishowTheNewYorkertitledtheirstoryabouther.OneofBeard’smany
battlesstartedwhentelevisioncriticA.A.Gillwroteapiecethatattackedher
physicalappearanceonaBBCshowwithinsultsincluding,“Frombehindsheis
16;fromthefront,60.Thehairisadisaster,theoutfitanembarrassment”andan
admonishmentthatBeard“shouldbekeptawayfromcamerasaltogether.”
Beardfoughtback,belittlingGill’slackofeducationandarguingthat
“throughoutWesternhistorytherehavealwaysbeenmenlikeGillwhoare
frightenedofsmartwomenwhospeaktheirminds,andIguess,asaprofessorof
classicsatCambridgeUniversity,I’moneofthem.”Beardwonthatround.Yet,
aswe’veseen,andI’llshowinmoredetailinchapter6on“FightingBack,”
engaginginopenwarfareonassholes—beitofflineoronline—isriskyandyou
bestconsideryourrelativepowerandexitoptionsbeforelaunchinganattack.
ONFIRINGCLIENTS
Afewyearsback,Igotanotefromatroubledexecutiveataprofessional
servicesfirm:
Ourclientsareoftentheassholes.Iamstuckwiththembecausethey
literallypayourbills.Thesejerkypeople(whomIencounterad
nauseamatthehighestlevelsinallFortune50companies)sapthelife
outofouremployeesandmakecreatingasustainable,culturallyviable
environmentdifficult.HowdoIslowthecarnage?
Iexchangedemailswithhimandeventuallygaveatalkaboutassholestothe
consultantsathiscompany.Inanybusinesswhereyouservepeople,some
customersandclientswillbeoverbearinganddifficult,and—asIdiscussinlater
chapters—partofwhatmakesforaskilledconsultant,teacher,barista,orother
serviceemployeeistheabilitytodealwithjerksinwaysthatcalmthem,protect
yourdignityandsanity,andstillkeepthemoneyrollingin.Irealized,however,
aftertalkingwithleadersatthisparticularfirm,thattheyhadlittle,ifany,
historyoffiringtheirmostabusiveclients.Thissurprisedmebecausemy
conversationsandinterviewswithpsychiatrists,priests,bartenders,hairstylists,
filmdirectors,lawyers,consultants,socialworkers,venturecapitalists,CEOs,
andpeopleinmanyotheroccupationsrevealedtheygotoconsiderablelengths
toavoidservingassholeclientsandcustomers,andwhentheydogetone,they
oftenfindwaystofiresuchjerks—or,sometimes,theygetfiredbytheclienton
purpose.
In2011,duringavisittoAuckland,IheardaspeechfromAirNewZealand
CEORobFyfe,wholedthecompanyfrom2005to2012andiswidelycredited
withturningaroundadyingairline—onethathadbeeninfamousfortreating
bothemployeesandcustomerslikedirt.Fyfedescribedhow,afterlearningabout
ademanding(andverywealthy)customerwhohadholleredatandinsultedhis
employees,Fyfewrotetheiratecustomeraletterinforminghimthatitwouldno
longerbepossibleforhimtobuyaticketonAirNewZealand.Fyfeposteda
copyoftheletteronaninternalwebsite—withthebannedpassenger’snameon
it—forallhisemployeestosee.AlthoughFyfehassincemovedon,AirNew
Zealandstillfirespassengerswhotreatemployees(orfellowpassengers)with
persistentandextremedisrespect.Thecompanyisdoingalotofotherthings
welltoo.In2016,Airlineratings.comselectedAirNewZealandasthebest
airlineintheworldforthethirdyearinarow.
I’vehavelearnedfromwisepeoplelikeRobFyfethatsometimesit’sbestto
dumprudeandoverbearingclientswhocontactmeaboutdoingaspeechor
someconsulting—ortocreateconditionswheretheyfiremefornotmeeting
theirridiculousdemands.Letmegiveyouanexample:Ioncegotacalltwodays
beforealong-plannedtalkfromaconsultantwhohadhiredmetogiveaspeech
toexecutivesfromCaliforniawineries.Iwaslookingforwardtothespeech
becauseIlovewineandwinemakers,andratherthanbeingpaidmoney,my
compensationwouldbeinwinefromadozenorsoexcellentproducers.
Theconsultant,however,demandedthatIdiscardmyplannedtopicand,
instead,doasessiononsomependinglegislationinCaliforniathatwouldaffect
thewineindustry.IexplainedthatIknewnothingaboutthelegislation,andifI
triedtopretend,Iwouldfailandtheexecutiveswouldgetnothingfromthe
session.Shepushed,andpushed,andpushed—insistingthatifIjuststudiedthe
legislationforadayorso,Icouldfigureouthowtoleadathree-hoursessionon
it.AsmuchasIwaslookingforwardtothewinemakersandthewine,Iwascurt
andcondescendingwhenIinformedherthatIcouldn’tchangetothattopicand
thatshewassettingbothofusupforfailure.Shedidn’twantmeanylonger,and
thefeelingwasmutual.PerhapsIshouldhavebeenmoregraciousaboutit,but
partingwayswastherightthingtodo.
Finally,toberealistic,financialconsiderationscanandshouldaffectwhich
customersandclientsyoufireandwhichonesyoutolerate.Ilovetheruleof
thumbusedbythewineimporterfromBerkeleywhowroteme,“Inmybusiness,
wehavearulethatsaysthatacustomercaneitherbeanarsehole(I’mEnglish
originally)oralatepay,butnotboth.Wehavereducedstressconsiderablyby
excludingsomecustomersonthisbasis.”
FORESEEANDSTEERCLEAR
It’sbettertoavoidfallinginwithassholesinthefirstplacethantorunfrom
themlater(orworse,togettrappedandbeunabletoflee).Sure,itcanbe
difficulttopredictwhenyouareabouttofallinwithjerks.Youmightdoyour
homework,forexample,byvisitingTripadvisor.comtopickafriendlyhotelor
restaurant,orstudyingGlassdoororFortune’s“100BestCompaniestoWork
For”listtochooseacivilizedandcaringorganization—andyet,eventhen,you
canstillgetstuckwithacertifiedassholeorhordesofthem.Sometimesthings
startoutgreat,butthensomerude,selfish,ormean-spiritedcharactersarrive,the
poisonspreads,andyourworldturnsintoashitshow.Othertimes,youronce
warmandsupportivebossesorpeersturnmeanforreasonsrangingfrom
arroganceandinsensitivity(thatisstokedbysuccess)tofearandstatus
degradationthatfollowsfrombeingblamedfor,orsimplyassociatedwith,
failureorscandal.
Thatsaid,youcansaveyourselfmuchgriefbydoingsomeduediligenceand
searchingforwarningsignsthat“assholesareahead”asyouconsiderwhereto
dineorstay,whatchurch,golfclub,orsoccerclubtojoin,wheretowork,or
whethertotakeonthatnewclient.Checkouttheaccompanying“Asshole
DetectionTips,”whichfocusonwarningsignstohelpyouuncoverandavert
involvementwithjerks.Iespeciallywanttoputinagoodwordforwhat
Wharton’sAdamGrantdescribedas“prosocialgossip”intheHuffingtonPostin
2013.Manyofmytipsentailseekingoutgossipfromreliableandcaringallies.I
amnottalkingaboutvicious,hateful,orfalserumors.Imeanwell-founded
concernsaboutbadpeopleandplacesthatcansaveyouandothersfrombeing
demeanedanddamaged.
ProfessorGrantgivesexamplesofhowhe’susedsuchprosocialgossip,which
Ibelievereflectswellonhim.Likethetimehewarned“astudenttoproceed
cautiouslywhendealingwithanadviserwhohasahistoryofexploiting
students.”Orwhenhegossipedaboutthe“checkeredhistory”ofsomeonewhoa
colleaguewasconsideringasabusinesspartner.Grantpreferstosaynicethings
aboutpeople.Buthearguesthatnegative—andwell-founded—gossipisoften
justified:“IfeelthatIhaveasocialresponsibilitytospeakcandidly.IfIdon’t
warnpeopleaboutthemostmanipulativeandMachiavellianmaraudersintheir
midst,I’mleavingthemvulnerabletoattack.”
ASSHOLEDETECTIONTIPS
ForeseeandSteerClearofJerks
1. Sure,Googlethem.Checkrespectedsourcesofratingsand
rankings.ButbewarethatGlassdoor’slistofthe10worst
workplacesorFortune’slistofthe“100BestCompaniesto
WorkFor”aren’tnecessarilylikelytomatchtheexperience
youwillhavewithanyparticulardepartment,group,person,
orclient.
2. Reliablegossipisgold.Whodoyouknowwhoworkswith
themnoworhasinthepast?Whatcantheytellyouaboutthe
peopleandtheplaceingeneral,andwhatinsightdotheyhave
abouttheparticularworkyouwilldoandpeopleyouwilldeal
with?
3. Pastvictimsorenemies?Seekoutthosepeoplewholeft
becausetheywereunhappyorgotfiredinparticular.Ifthey
workedwiththegrouporpersonyouareconsidering,the
informationwillbeespeciallyinstructive.
4. Exposuretootherassholes?Havetheyworkedwithorbeen
trainedbyknownassholes?That’saredflag.Assholesattract
andbreedmoreassholes.
5. Badfirstimpression?Whenyouexchangeemails,messages,
orearlyphonecalls,areyougettinganyhintsthattheymight
bejerks?
6. Badsecondimpression?Duringinitialmeetingsor
interviews,howdotheytreatyou?Dotheymakeyoufeel
respected?Dotheycare?Ordotheyalreadyshowsignsof
beinghostile,rude,oroverlydemanding?Thingswillonlyget
worse.
7. Damnwithfaintpraise?Listencarefullytohowunderlings
andpeerstalkaboutpeopleinpower.Afterall,ifyouarea
stranger,theyaren’tlikelytobashtheirbossesorteammates.
Dotheysaytherightwords...butwithoutahintofwarmth
orexcitement?Dotheychangethesubjectquicklywhenyou
askaboutleadersorotherpowerfulpeople?Anythingshortof
totalenthusiasmisaredflag.
8. Signsofasuperioritycomplex?Listencarefullytohow
peopleinpowertalkaboutothers.Iseveryoneelseajerk,
idiot,traitor,orloser?Dotheyseemtobad-mouthorbe
dismissiveofjustabouteveryoneexceptforthosewhokiss
uptothem?
9. Howdotheytreateachother?Howdopeoplewithmore
powertreatthosewithless?Watchhowpeersinteract—isita
LordoftheFliessituation?Bewareofaggressiveteasing,
rudeinterruptions,painedfacialexpressions,andglum
silence.
10. Alltransmissionandnoreception?Usetwodiagnostic
questionsproposedbymyStanfordcolleagueHuggyRaoto
helpdetermineifpeopleareself-absorbed:
•Howmuchdoyourpotentialsuperiors,colleagues,orclients
dominatethetalkingtime?Dotheyletyouoranyoneelse
getawordinedgewise?
•Whatistheratioofquestionsthatpeopleaskversus
statementstheymake?Iftheyneveraskanyquestions,and
justbarkoutorders,showofftheirknowledge,anddon’t
havemuchinterestinwhatotherssay,that’sabadsign.
11. Atoeinthewater?Canyoustartwithasmallcommitment
ratherthanabigone?Asmallprojectforaclientorperhaps
aninternshiportrialperiod?Thatway,youcanlearnifthere
isanassholeproblembeforeyousignupforthelongterm.
Oneofmyrelativeswhohasdealtwithanddodgedoverbearingand
sometimescrazyassholesforovertwenty-fiveyearsreliesonmanyofthese
“AssholeDetectionTips.”Shedoesfreelanceworkthatinvolvesorganizing
complexprojectsthatcostmillionsofdollarsforwealthyclients,manyofwhom
arebillionaires(sorry,Ibestkeepthedetailsvagueforthesakeoffamily
harmony).Shehasmadeagoodlivingatthisworkforalongtimeandisknown
forcompletingprojectsontimeandonbudget,meetingexactingstandards,and
beingadeptatdealingwithherclients’quirks,moods,impatience,andinsistence
onperfection(evenwhentheyareunwillingtopaythesteepprice).
Manyofherclientsarewonderfuland“reallyfun”—buttherearealsocertain
typeswhosheavoidsatallcosts.Shehaslearnedthehardwaythatsomeofthe
mostselfishandcruelclientssurroundthemselveswithass-kissingsupplicants
thattheytreatlikedirt.Andsomeoftheworstaddanextratwist:theytake
perversepleasureininsistingthatprojectmanagerslikehercommittotimetables
andbudgetsthatareimpossibletomeet—andthenberateandbad-mouththem
whentheprojectbeginstofail,evenwhentheprojectmanagerhadwarnedthem
thattheirgoalswereimpossibletoachieve(andtheclientinsistedoncharging
forwarddespitetheexpertadvice).
Shehaslearnedthatit’sbesttopartwayswithclientswhoaretoocruelor
crazy.Andshehaslearnedtospotwhichpeoplewillbehelltoworkfor,soshe
quits(andgetsfired)lessoftennowthanwhenherradarwaslesswell-honed.
Shecheckswithotherpeopleinherbusinessbeforeagreeingtomeetwith,let
aloneworkfor,apotentialclient:thisexchangeofreliablegossipisessentialfor
avoidingknownassholes.Andwhenshemeetswithapotentialclient,shelooks
forsignsthatheorshemistreatsotherprojectmanagers,assistants,maintenance
workers,constructioncrews,andanyoneelseonthepayroll.Nomatterhow
warmandcharmingthepotentialclientmightbetoher,it’saredflagthatshe
haslearnedtoheed.
Justrecently,shemetwithabillionaireaboutapotentialprojectand“noticed
aparticularbehavior.”Hewas“dismissivebutnotabusivetowardlow-wage
workerswithminimumskillswhowereloyaltohimandworkedtirelesslyfor
him.”Butitwasthemoreskilledworkers,thehighlypaidones(likemyrelative)
whowere“thesubjectofconstantabuseandunderthreatofterminationand
replacementbyalower-wageworker.”Thisbillionairecontinuestocourtmy
relativetoworkforhim,andtojoinhimfordinnertotalkaboutfutureprojects.
Butshe“alwayspolitelyrefuses”becausesheknowsthatiftheystartworking
together,hewouldtreatherlikethoseothervictimsatsomepoint.
Alongsimilarlines,whenyouareinterviewingforanewjob,don’tjustfocus
onhowyouaretreated;besuretowatchhowyourpotentialbossandcolleagues
treatothers.Onecandidatewhointerviewedtobeamanufacturingmanager
wrotemethathewaswarybecausehispotentialbosshadspentyearsatanother
companyknownforbreedingincompetentassholes.So,duringtheinterview,the
candidatedecided“toseehowheinteractedwithshopflooremployeesandthe
peoplewhoworkeddirectlyforhim,toseehowhespoketothem,andhisverbal
andvisualactions.”Thecandidatenoticedpeopleonthefloorstoodfarawayas
thebossaddressedthem,that“heneversmiled,andnoonesmiledathim,”and
“hepassedpeopleonthelinewithoutsomuchasanod.”Thecandidate’s
interactionswiththebosswereevenworse:“HecutmeoffTWICEwhenIwas
talkinglikeIwasn’tevenspeaking,andthenonceevenrudelydidn’teven
PRETENDtolistentomeasItalkedaboutmybackground.”Hegottheoffer
butturneditdownbecause,hewrote,“Ibelieveinmyheart,Iwouldhaveended
upworkingforanasshole.”
WHATYOUDOVERSUSHOWYOUDOIT
Byfleeingfromassholesor—betterstill—detectinganddecliningtoengage
withthem,youcanspareyourself,yourfriends,andyourcolleaguesmuch
heartbreak.Ilovethose“takethisjobandshoveit”stories.Andasthatengineer
whousedthe“KamikazeMethod”toquitandtakethebossdownwithhim
illustrates,makingastrategicstinkcanworkonspecialoccasions.Certainly,
someassholesaresovileandunrepentantthattheydeserveallthebad-
mouthing,unflatteringpress,andlawsuitstheyget.
TakeformerAmericanApparelCEODovCharney.AccordingtoaLos
AngelesTimesstoryinJuneof2015,courtdocumentsallegedthatCharney’s
badbehaviorincludedcallingaccountingemployees“Filipinopigs...withyour
facesinthetrough,”attemptingtostrangleanemployee“withhishandsandrub
dirtintohisface,”andstoring“footageoncompanyequipmentofhimself
havingsexwithmodels.”Charney’sallegedmisdeedsweren’tanewstory.Back
in2008,theLosAngelesTimesreportedalawsuitagainstCharneythatalleged
hecalledstaffers“sluts”and“whores”andhadinvitedafemaleemployeeto
“masturbateinfrontofhim.”AmericanApparel’slawyersclaimedthathis
behaviorledthecompanyto“incurnearly$10millioninlitigationcosts.”
Charneyhasdeniedalloftheseallegations,butwhenhetriedtosuehisformer
companyfordefamation,SuperiorCourtjudgeTerryGreenblockedthesuitand,
accordingtoaLitigationDailystoryinOctoberof2015,thejudgeblastedback,
“Youknow,Ithinkthere’sagreaterlikelihoodthatI’llbethefirstAmerican
astronautstrandedonMars”thanCharneycouldwinthesuit.JudgeGreenadded
thatCharney’sallegedmisconductwas“sofaroverthetopthatyoucan’tseethe
topanymore.”
Moreoften,however,youandthoseyouleavebehind(eventheassholesyou
spurn)willbebetteroffifyoucandepartincalm,considerate,anddiscreetways
thatenableeveryonetosaveface.Sowhenyouquitajobordumpaclient,tryto
givethemsomeadvancenotice,finishyourworkifpossible,andmakeasmooth
handoffsothatyoudon’tleaveothersinthelurch.Thatwayyouwon’tburn
bridgesyoumightneedlater.It’salsodangeroustoconfrontorbad-mouththe
jerksyoujiltbecause,afterall,theyareassholesandthuspronetobeing
vindictive.Theynotonlymaytakeouttheirangeronyouviabackstabbingand
badrecommendations;theymayexactrevengeonthefriendsandalliesthatyou
leavebehind.
ThatiswhyForbeswriterSusanAdamssuggeststhat,evenifyouareleaving
ajoborbossyouhate,it’ssafertokeepyourpartingmessageshortandsweet.
AndifyourbossorHRaskswhyyouareleaving,evenifyouaimtoexplainthe
“assholeproblem”inthemostcalmandbalancedway,bewarethatnarcissistic
andMachiavellianpeoplearethin-skinned.Theyarepronetolashoutat,blame,
andtrytoscrewanyonewhodoesn’tflatterandkissuptothem.Soyoumightbe
betteroffkeepingthingsupbeat,brief,andvague—andjustgetthehellout.
Here’stheupshot.Whenyoutakeactionsthatmayoffend,hurt,orthreaten
others—whetherthoseonthereceivingendareassholesortreasuredcolleagues
—“thereisabigdifferencebetweenwhatyoudoandhowyoudoit.”That
expressionalwaysmakesmethinkofmyfriendMichaelDearing.Heisano-
nonsensebusinessperson:oneofhisfavoritesayingsis“capitalismisaself-
cleaningoven.”MichaelhasleftjobsatplacesincludingDisneyandeBay,fired
peopleinmajorrolesatthoseandotherplaces,andthesedays—asaventure
capitalistwhohashelpedlaunchmorethanahundredcompanies—hehas
removedCEOsandpulledtheplugonfailingcompanies.Infact,Michaeltaught
atStanfordwithseveralcolleaguesandmeforyears,andeventuallyleftustoo!
YetMichaelisbelovedbyalmosteveryonehehasquitworkingwith
(includingme),hasfired,orstoppedfunding.It’sbecauseoftheWAYinwhich
hedoesit.Hetreatspeoplewithrespectandremainsemotionallysupportive
bothduringandaftertheseparation.Whenworkingwithgreatcolleagues(“95%
ofthetime”)ortheoccasionalasshole(“5%orless”),Michaeltoldmethathe
designsthe“how”partofhisactions“withtheotherperson’spointofviewin
mind.”Evenwhenbreakingoffwithanasshole,heworksto“conveythetruthin
respectfulandempatheticways.”
Sure,Michaelhasmadeafewenemiesalongthewayand,lookingback,he
wondersifhecouldhavebeenwarmerandmoreunderstandingwiththem.
That’showMichaelis;heisgiventoblamehimselfratherthanothers—even
whentheyarelikelyatfault.Heunderstandsthevirtuesofbeingslowtolabel
othersasassholes,andbeingquicktolabelyourselfasone.
4
AssholeAvoidanceTechniques:
REDUCINGYOUREXPOSURE
“DON’TENGAGEwithcrazy.”
That’swhatKatysaidwhenIaskedforherbestassholesurvivaladvice.Iam
talkingaboutDr.KatyDeCellesoftheUniversityofToronto,anacademic
hotshotwhostudiesabusivepeopleanduglyconflict,includingthatresearchon
outburstsbybasketballcoachesdiscussedinchapter2,thecruelty(aswellas
apathyandcaring)expressedbetweenprisonguardsandinmates,airrage
incidents,and“fightsbeforeflights”—wherepassengersheapabuseonairline
employeesattheboardinggate.
Katy’swarningisagoodstartingplaceforanyonewhoistroubled,tormented,
orhurtbyjerks.Allofussometimesgettrappedin(ordecidetoendure)
encountersandrelationshipswithassholes—whereourgoalistojustsurvivethe
uglinessthebestwecan.InKaty’slanguage,thischapterisabout—whenyou
can’torwon’tavertengagingwithcrazycompletely—howtolimitthe
frequency,duration,andintensityoftheabuseyoufaceandfeel.
Ifocusonreducingtheamountofexposurebecausejerksarealotlikesick
peoplewhoareinfectedwithadangerousandcontagiousdisease.Wehuman
beings“catch”manyofourthoughts,emotions,andbehaviorsfromothers(even
whenwedon’twantto).Becoming“infected”changesus(usuallyforthe
worse),andwepassournegativegermsalongtoothers(evenifwedon’tintend
to).Evidencethatnegativeemotionsandbehaviorarecontagiouswasstrong
whenIwroteTheNoAssholeRule,andit’sfarstrongernow.A2013summary
ofworkplaceaggressionresearchledbyM.SandyHershcovisoftheUniversity
ofManitobareportsnumerousnewstudiesonhowabusivesupervisors,peers,
andcustomers,andworkplacesthatarehostileandunfair,infectemployeesso
thatthey—inturn—treatotherslikedirt.
Demeaninganddisrespectfulbehaviorseepsintootherrelationshipswith
innocentbystanders:Abusedemployeestendtomistreatfamilymembers,not
justcolleaguesandcustomers.Badfeelingsspreadintheclassroomtoo;research
fromtheUniversityofBritishColumbiasuggeststhereis“stresscontagion”
betweenteachersandelementaryschoolstudents.Teacherssufferingfrom
“burnout,”orfeelingsofemotionalexhaustion,hadstudentswithhighercortisol
levels—whicharelinkedtolearningandmentalhealthproblems.Anda2015
studybyTrevorFoulkandhiscolleaguesfromtheUniversityofFloridashows
thatevenasingleexposuretoarudeperson(e.g.,amildlyinsultingemailfroma
customer)canturnapersonintoa“carrier,”whointurninfectsotherswiththe
negativebehavior—soitspreadsmuch“likethecommoncold.”
KEEPYOURDISTANCE
Here’showasmallbandofuniversityadministratorsreducedtheirexposure—
andthatofmanyothers—tothelocalcertifiedasshole.Aboutfifteenyearsago,I
knewaprofessorfromaprestigiousuniversitywhoreceivedalargeresearch
grant.Hebeganpoundinghistenuredchest,beratingadministratorsabouthow
muchmoneyhebroughtin,howprestigioushewas,andhowmuchspacehe
wouldneedtohousehisteam.Theadministrators—andmostotherprofessors
andstaffmembersheworkedwith—weretiredofhisarroganceandpersonal
attacks.Sotheyconjuredupabrilliantsolution:theyofferedhimanewsuiteof
officesseveralmilesawayfromthemaincampus.Thepompousprofessortook
thebait.Hewasdelightedtohavesomuchspace;hiscolleagueswereevenmore
pleasedbecausetheynowrarelysaworheardfromhimafterhemovedtohis
newdigs.
Thatstoryisinstructivebecauseitshows,whenitcomestoassholes,it’s
sometimeswisetoaddratherthanremovecommunicationbarriers—and
physicaldistanceisoneofthemostprotectivebarriers.Youmightbesurprised
byhowmuchreliefcomesfromputtingjustafewextrafeetbetweenyouand
yourtormentors.
Inthe1970s,MITprofessorTomAllenshowedthatthecloserpeoplesatto
oneanother,themorefrequentlytheycommunicated—notjustface-to-face
communication,butviaallmediaincludingtelephonecalls.Subsequentstudies
onthe“Allencurve”or“thelawofpropinquity”confirmthatpeoplearefour
timesmorelikelytocommunicateregularlywithacolleaguewhositssixfeet
awaycomparedtoonewhositssixtyfeetaway.Employeesrarelycommunicate
withcolleaguesonseparatefloorsorinseparatebuildings;infact,oncepeople
areabout150feetaway,communicationbecomessorarethatapairof
coworkersmightaswellbeindifferentcitiesorcountries.Youmightthinkthe
riseoftheInternetwouldendthis“outofsight,outofmind”effect.Butstudies
byresearchersincludingProfessorDavidKrackhardtofCarnegieMellonand
CEOBenWaberofSociometricSolutionsfindthatpeoplewhoworkonthe
samefloor,andespecially,whositclosetogether,arestillfarmorelikelyto
engageindailycommunicationofallkinds,includingviaemail,texts,andsocial
media.
TheAllencurvehasdirectimplicationsforassholemanagement.Ifyoucan
shipthelocalassholetoanotherbuilding,orevenjusttwentyorthirtymorefeet
away,youcanreduceyourdistressandriskofinfection.Andthisresearch
suggeststhatwhenthoseuniversityadministratorsenticedthatobnoxious
professortomoveacrosstown,itwasjustaseffectiveassendinghimtoanother
country.Ifyoucan’tshipoutyourcolleague,trytomoveyourself.While
switchingtoanotherfloororbuildingisbest,puttingevenalittlephysical
distancebetweenyouandthattoxicpersonhelpsalot.
“Workforcescientist”Dr.MichaelHousmanandhiscolleaguesstudiedthe
“spillovereffects”thataretriggeredwhendifferenttypesofemployeessitclose
toeachother.Theytrackedtwothousandworkersatalargetechnology
companyfortwoyears.In2016,HousmantoldFastCompanythatthey
discovereda“toxicdensity”effect:muchlikeresearchthatshowsrudeness
spreadslikeacommoncold,theyfoundthatsittingnearadestructivejerk
dramaticallyincreasesaworker’sriskofinfection.Housmanexplained,“Ifyou
addatoxicworkertowithina25-footradiusofafocalworker,thechancethat
thefocalworkerbecomesatoxicworkerthemselvesmorethandoubles(112.5%
increase).”Housmanevenfoundthatsittingwithabunchofcontagiousassholes
cangetyoufired:“Employeesare150%morelikelytobeterminatedfortoxic
behaviorwhensittinginatoxicemployee-denseseatingarea.”
This“defensebydistance”tacticappliestowhereyousitinpublicplacesand
meetingstoo.Ifyouareseatednearrudeorwastedjerksatamovieor
restaurant,onanairplane,abus,oraplane,dowhatyoucantomoveawayfrom
themandtheirhostileshenanigans.Andputtingdistancebetweenyouand
knownassholescanhelpyousurvivesocialgatherings,politicalfund-raisers,
volunteerorganizations,theworkplace,orotherplaceswhereyouattend
meetings.
Lastyear,Imetacrustyandcharmingengineerwhowasquiteproudof
survivingfifteentoughyearsatApple.Onesecrettohissuccesswaskeepinghis
distancefromthelateSteveJobs.Thisengineerreportedthat—althoughJobsdid
mellowwithage—itwasn’tjustamyth:HewasoneofmanyatApplewho
avoidedgettingintheelevatorwithJobsbecausehedidn’twanttoget
interrogatedorendupworkinglateforweeksormonths.Andheexplainedthat
whenhisteammetwithJobs,heavoidedsittingnearhimbecause“thecloser
youweretoJobs,themorelikelythatsomethingbadwouldhappentoyou.”
DUCKINGSTRATEGIES
Ofcourse,sometimesyoucan’tavoidinteractionswithassholes.Butifyouare
thoughtful—evenabitsneaky—youcanlimithowoftenandlongyouare
subjectedtotheirpoison.That’swhatPamelaLutgen-SandvikfromNorth
DakotaStateUniversityfoundinherstudiesofworkplacebullies.Thevictims
thatPaminterviewedcalledthis“ducking”andmanypracticeditas“nearlyan
artform.”Avicepresidentatasportsfishingbusiness,forexample,workedfor
anownerinanall-glassofficewherethe“constantsurveillancewasdeliberate”
andwhere“he’dscreamandyelleveryday.”Thevicepresidentsaid,“Veins
wouldpopoutofhishead;he’dspit,he’dpoint,he’dthreatendaily,alldaylong
toanyoneinhisway,everydaythatIwasthere.”Shelimitedexposureby
stayingoutoftheofficeasmuchaspossible:“Youlearnnottoshowupatwork
toomuch.Youmakearrangementstogotomeetings.You’rejusttoobusytogo
totheoffice.”
Duckingstrategiesareespeciallyusefulfornavigatinglong-term
predicaments.Suchstrategieshavesurehelpedme.Foryears,Iwasstuckwitha
colleaguewhoIbelievedwasmean-spiritedandnarcissistic.Itmademeillto
attendthemeetingssheled.Ifoundone-on-oneconversationswithhertobe
evenmorepainful.Shewassoself-absorbedthat,asoneofmyfellowprofessors
pointedout,whileshealwaysstartedinformalconversationsbyfirstasking
aboutyou,sherarelymadeittothetwo-minutemarkwithoutshiftingall
conversationtothemanywaysinwhichshewassomarvelous.
Ihadnevermetanyonewhobraggedsomuch.Iwasdisgustedbyherconstant
talkabouthowpowerfulshewas,alltheimportantpeoplesheknew,her
remarkableproductivityandimpact,andhowgenerallysuperiorshewastothe
restofus.Inmyopinion,shewasalsoaworld-classbackstabber—relentlessly
belittling,bad-mouthing,andunderminingrivals,critics,andanyoneelseshe
sawasathreattoherprestigeandpower.IdideverythingIcouldtoavoidthose
horribleone-on-oneconversations.IalsoavoidedasmanymeetingsasIcould
wheneversheledthem.Unfortunately,Icouldn’tmissthemall.
Butwhenherbehaviormademesick(anauseaakintoseasickness)orIfelt
anoutburstcomingon,Ioftenleftmeetingsearly(Ididthisatleasttwenty
times).AndIdidn’texplainwhy.Itseemedbettertosaynothingthantolie.I
eventuallylearnedthatothercolleaguesusedsimilartactics.Somereducedtheir
exposuretohertoxinsbyarrivingverylatetohermeetings;Icouldn’tbring
myselftodothatbecausemymotherraisedmetobeobsessiveaboutarrivingon
timetoeverything(eventhoughitisn’talwaysthebeststrategy).Forme,fleeing
thesceneearlyandoftenhelpedsavemysanity.
SLOWTHERHYTHM
Dealingwithassholescanbelikehavinganewpuppy.Whenyouscream“No!”
ashechewsonyourexpensivenewshoes,itisn’ttakenasapunishment.True,
you’reupsetabouttheshoes,butthatpuppylovestheattention.Yourscreaming
justencouragesmorebadbehavior,andnextthingyouknow—asmydogBugsy
didtome—thatcutelittlemutthasdestroyedyour$400pairofglassesanda
blackpenthatexplodesalloverthelightbeigecarpet.Someassholestakea
similarkindofpleasureinyourpain.Whentheydosomethingthatgeneratesa
strongreactionfromyou—beitobsequiousass-kissing,effusiveapologizing,
tremblingwithfear,givingintotearsoranger,orsendingthatlongandcarefully
wordedemailyouspentanhourcraftinginresponsetotheirimaginary
emergency—thepleasurecentersintheirtwistedmindslightup.
ConsiderabrainscanningstudybyUniversityofChicagopsychologist
BenjaminLaheyandhiscolleagues.Theycomparedadolescentswith
“aggressiveconductdisorder”(e.g.,historiesofstealing,lying,vandalizing,and
bullying)withacontrolgroupofotherwisesimilarkidswholackedsuchhistory.
Whentheresearchersshowedthebulliespicturesofpeoplewhowere
experiencingpain—forexample,fromahammerdroppedonatoe—thepleasure
regionsoftheirbrainslitup(thisdidnothappentothekidsinthecontrol
group).LaheytoldNationalGeographicin2008,“Wethinkitmeansthatthey
likeseeingpeopleinpain”and“theyaregettingpositivelyreinforcedeverytime
theybullyandareaggressivetootherpeople.”
Theresearchersemphasizethattheirfindingsaretentative—butInternettrolls
doappeartoenjoysimilarsickpleasures.Asveteranonlinecommunitymanager
JessamynWesttoldtheGuardianin2016,“Trollingiscraftedbypeoplewho
believeitistheirjobtofigureoutexactlywhatpeople’sbuttonsare,thenpress
thosebuttons.”Thesameseemstogoforbulliesintheschoolyardandthe
workplace—yourobviouspainistheirpleasure,andeachtimetheyprovokeit,
theyarereinforcedtotormentyoumoreandmore.
AsIsaidinchapter3,it’softenbestjusttoignoreortobreakoffwithsuch
assholes.Alas,thatisn’talwayspossible.Butfiguringhowtoslowtherhythmof
exchangesasmuchaspossible—andhowtodelayanddenyyourtormentoras
muchreinforcementaspossible—canhelpyouendureandevenreformsuch
jerks.Aformerdoctoralstudentwhowasplaguedbyanabusive,temperamental,
andirrationallydemandingadvisorexplainedtomehowshenavigatedthis
tensionbyusing“slowdown”tacticstosurviveseveraldifficultyears.Atfirst,
whenheradvisorsentherdemeaningemails,orcalledataninappropriatetime
(e.g.,2a.m.)torantatandcriticizethestudent,shejumpedupandresponded
rightaway.Thisfueledevenmoreabusebecauseheradvisorgottheattentionhe
wanted,whichinturnreinforcedhisbadbehavior—justaswiththoseteenage
bulliesinProfessorLahey’sexperiment,thepleasurecentersinhisbrainlitup.
Thestudentlearnedtorespondmoreandmoreslowlyovertheyears,firsttaking
hours,thendays,andthensometimesweeksbeforesendingareply.Evenwhen
theadvisorsentherabatchofobnoxiousandinsultingemails,thestudentwaited
twoorthreedays,andsometimeslonger,toreadthemallatonce.Thenshesent
asinglemeasuredresponse.Overtime,whiletheadvisorneverbecameless
abusive,hesentfewerandfeweremails,andcalledlessoftenandduringmore
civilizedtimes.
Anotheradvantageofdelaywasthatthestudenthadtimetocalmdown—to
quellthetemptationtorespondwithnastinessinkind—whichhelpedheravoida
viciouscircleofescalatinginsultsandaccusations.ThisPhDstudentuseda
similartacticforschedulingregularface-to-facemeetings:sheslowlyand
steadily“trained”hermean-spiritedmentortoshiftfromweekly,tobiweekly,
andfinallytomonthlymeetings.Thisstudent,nowatenuredprofessorata
prestigiousuniversity,believesthatshewouldneverhavefinishedherPhD,
foundagreatjob,orkepthersanitywithouttheseandmanyothertricksthat
limitedexposuretoher“batshitcrazyadvisor.”This“rhythmmethod”canhelp
anyonebesiegedbysuchmicromanagingpleasureseekers:trytoslowthings
down,makeTHEMsquirmandsufferasmuchasyoucan,andtrainthemto
backoffandwait.Theymightjuststopbadgeringyou—andturntheirattention
tomoreresponsiveandthusmoresatisfyingtargetsinstead.
Slowingtherhythmisalsousefulduringinteractionswithabusiveclientsand
customers.Inthe1990s,Ididanethnographicstudyoftelephonebillcollectors
whereIwastrainedasacollector,spentaweekmakingcollectioncallsto
debtorswhowerelateonMasterCardandVisapayments,andthenspentmonths
observingandinterviewingtherealcollectors.Weweretaughtthatthemore
iratethedebtor—themoreheorshescreamed,swore,andinsultedus—themore
longpausesweshouldtakebeforeansweringquestionsandthemoreslowlyand
calmlyweshouldtalk.Asupervisorinstructedme,“Ifyoutalksofterandsofter
andsofter,they’regoingtohavetostoptolistenorthey’renotgoingtohear
anythingyou’resaying.Thelouderyouget,theloudertheyget.Andifyoustart
totoneitdown,theystarttotoneitdown.”
Thebestcollectorsweremasterfulatchangingtherhythmandtoneofeven
themostabusive,insulting,andmean-spiriteddebtors.Ilistenedtonumerous
callswhereadebtorwouldyellataskilledcollectorforaminuteormore,then
thecollectorwouldpauseawhileandthentalkslowlyandcalmly(anduse
soothingwords),thedebtorwouldyellsomemore,thecollectorwouldspeak
slowly,softly,andcalmlyagain,andsoon.Intenminutesorless,mostdebtors
wouldcalmdownandbenicer.Theyoftenapologized,madethelatepayment,
orboth.
HIDEINPLAINSIGHT
Onewaythatassholesleaveothersfeelingdisrespectedanddemeanedisto
ignorethemaspeople.Thatis,totreatthemasiftheywereinvisible.Aclassic
crappymoveistotreatsomeonelikeapieceoffurniturethatyouusebutdonot
acknowledgeasahumanbeing—noeyecontact,nosmile,nothanks,no
connectionofanysort.
Yetinvisibilityisadouble-edgedsword.Itprovidesprotectionbecause
sometimesattractingajerk’sattentionisevenworsethanbeingignored.Some
assholesnoticeyouonlywhentheybelievethatyou’vedonesomethingwrong
oroffensive.Ortheyareagitated,anxious,insecure,ordepressedforother
reasons—andyouserveasaconvenientscapegoatfortheirbuilt-upbile.That’s
whypeoplewhoareknee-deepinassholes(orstuckwithoneortwo)canbenefit
frommasteringtheartofbeingtherebutgoingunnoticedbypotential
tormentors.
It’sabitlikethoseanimalsthatturnthesamecolorandshapeastheir
surroundingstohideinplainsightfrompredators.Likearcticfoxeswhosecoats
turnwhitewhenitsnowsandthenbrownorgraytomatchthesummertundra.
Or“decoratorcrabs”thatattachseaweed,algae,rocks,orspongestotheirbodies
ascamouflage.Peoplewhowanttobeinvisibletoassholesusedifferentkindsof
camouflage,butithelpsthemblendintothebackgroundtoo.Theyarequiet
whenotherstalk.Theyareboringwhenothersareinteresting.Theytrytodo
workthatisneitherlousynorexcellent,butsomewhereinthemiddle.They
dresstoavoidstandingout—justlikeeveryoneelse,butwithabitlesspizzazz.
Theyhidebehindblandandblankexpressions.Theiraimistolaylowandtonot
makewaves,tobeinvisibleandforgettable.
Considertheairportsecurityscreeningprocess.Itsucks.It’susuallycrowded
andloud;youaresurroundedwithharriedandunhappypeople;rulesarestrictly
enforcedyetoftenconfusing;strangersdigthroughyourmostprivate
possessions;peoplepoke,prod,andfriskyou;andyouriskbeingdelayed,
detained,andperhapsincarcerated.Ifskilledsadistswantedtodesignan
experiencetobreedtemporaryassholes,theywouldbehard-pressedtocomeup
withsomethingworsethanwhattheU.S.TransportationSecurity
Administration(TSA)isrequiredtodotopassengers.Ofcourse,fromtheother
perspective,thetransportationsecurityofficers(TSOs)employedbyTSAmust
dealwithalotofassholes.Notonlydotheyfaceanendlessparadeofoften
pissed-offpassengers;theyworkunderintensesurveillancebytheirTSA
superiorswhoinsistthattheyfollowpreciserulesandprocedures,keeptheline
moving,andbecivil(oratleastnotrude)topassengers.
HarvardBusinessSchoolresearchersMichelAntebyandCurtisChan
interviewedeighty-nineTSAemployeesin2011tolearnabouthowtheirwork
wasorganized,thepressuresthatTSOsfelt,andhowTSOsdealtwiththis
simultaneouslydistressingandboringwork.AntebyandChanfoundthata
hallmarkofTSOs’workwasthattheywereseenbutunnoticed.TSAmanagers
watchedwhatTSOsdidclosely(managersobservedthemdirectlyandwatched
videomonitorslinkedtosixorsevensurveillancecamerasinthescreening
area).AndsupervisorsoftensteppedintocorrectortohelpTSOs.Yetdespite
thisintensivesurveillance,AntebyandChanfoundthattheTSAmanagers
focusedfarlessattentiononTSOsasindividualsoronhowtheyfelt.TSOswere
oftenseenbymanagement,andsawthemselves,as“invisibleand
interchangeableworkersmonitoringasimilarlyinvisibleandinterchangeable
massoftravelers”whojustdisappeared“intothewoodwork.”
AntebyandChanlearnedthatmanyTSOsviewedsuch“invisibility”asa
goodthingandplayedanactiverolein“gettingdisappeared.”Beingnoticed
oftenmeanttrouble—itwasfollowedbyreprimands,beingassignedtodifficult
andemotionallydemandingroles,writtenwarningsfrommanagement,
temporarysuspensions,orevengettingfired.SoTSOsdevisedwaysto“hidein
plainsight”andto“floatundertheradar.”Theyusedduckingstrategies
includingtakingextrabreakswhenthingswereslowandgoingtothebathroom
asoftenaspossible.Although,intheory,TSOschangedpositionseverythirty
minutestobreakuptheboredom,someTSOslearnedtolingerinthoseareas
that—whilestillvisibletopassengers—involvelessinteractionandabitmore
distancefromthem.Forexample,beinga“pat-downofficer”whotouchesand
searchespassengersrequirescloseanduncomfortablecontactwithpassengers—
whoAntebyandChanreportwereannoyedandsometimeslashedoutinanger.
Incontrast,the“X-rayviewingtask”isinsulatedfrompassengers—that’sthe
TSOwholooksatthemonitortoseeifthereissomethingsuspiciousinyour
luggage.Asoneexplained,“Youdogetalittlebreakfromthepublicwhen
you’reonX-raybecauseyoudon’thavetodealwiththematall.”
OtherinvisibilitystrategiesusedbyTSOsinvolveddownplaying“their
selfhood.”SomeTSOsavoideddoingexcellentworkbecausetheyfeltthatbeing
noticedasanindividualratherthanasananonymouscoginthemachinecarried
toomanyotherrisks.OthersavoidedtalkingwithsupervisorsandfellowTSOs
abouttheirprivatelivestoremainasjustanotheranonymousand
interchangeableTSOratherthananinterestingperson.Stillotherspretendednot
topayattentiontoconversationsaboutworkorpersonalmattersamong
supervisorsorpassengerstohelpensuretheyweren’tnoticedandwereleft
alone.AntebyandChanfoundthatTSOsdidsometimestrytodrawattentionto
themselves;forexample,somebraggedaboutthepositive“commentcards”they
receivedfrompassengerswhopraisedtheirprofessionalism.Buttherisksof
garneringattentionwereconsiderable,inpart,becauseTSOsfounditdifficultto
performwellconsistently.
AsAntebyandChanpointout,peoplewhofearretributionfromthepowerful
havelongusedinvisibilityasaprotectivecloak.Thisthemerunsthrough
academicandjournalisticaccountsofotheroccupationsincludingassembly-line
workers,engineers,foodservers,nurses,andcops.Andsometimes—ifyouare
observantandpatient—beinginvisiblegivesyouaccesstoinformationthatcan
helpyouturnthetablesonpowerfulassholes.Forexample,intheearly1990s,
CharlieGalunic(nowaprofessoratINSEADbusinessschoolinFrance)andI
didafascinatinginterviewwithBobDemmons,whowasamongthefewAfrican
AmericansintheSanFranciscoFireDepartmentwhenhewashiredin1974.
AlthoughDemmonswastrainedtofightfires,hewassoonassignedtobethe
driverforthedepartmentchief—ademeaningjobstereotypicallyreservedfor
AfricanAmericans.Inthatrole,Demmonsvisitedeveryfirehouseinthecity
manytimes.Healsowasprivytonumerousconversationswherethechiefand
manyotherpowerfulcityofficialssimplyforgotthatDemmonswaspresentas
theytalkedaboutsensitiveissuesandsometimessuspectactions.
DemmonswasmuchlikethemaincharacterinRalphEllison’sclassic1950s
novelInvisibleMan,whereanAfricanAmericanman’sracerenderedhim
sociallyinvisibletoothers.WhenCharlieandIinterviewedDemmons,hesaid
servingasthechief’sdriverrankledhim,butitalsoeventuallyhelpedhimand
otherminoritiesandwomen.HelearnedandheardmanythingsabouttheSan
FranciscoFireDepartmentfrompowerfulpeoplewhoforgothewaspresent—
includingalotofdirt—thathelpedhimbecomeaneffectiveleaderinalong
battleagainstdiscriminationinthedepartment.Ultimately,asheadoftheBlack
FirefightersAssociation,Demmonsplayedakeyroleinthelawsuitsthatstruck
downracisthiringpoliciesandledtocourt-orderedintegrationofthe
department.And,in1996,DemmonsbecameSanFrancisco’sfirstAfrican
Americanfirechief.
Demmons’sstoryrevealsthecomplexityofbeingpresentbutunseen.It
bruisedhisdignitytobetreatedastheinvisiblemanwhodrovethefirechief
aroundSanFrancisco.Yetbecausepeopleinpoweroftenforgothewasthere,
Demmonslearnedlessonsthatenabledhimtogaininfluence—and,ultimately,
winthebattleforjusticeagainstthosewhotreatedhimandotherminoritieslike
dirt(notjustAfricanAmericans).Hisactionssetthestageforbringingmore
women,Asian,andHispanicfirefightersintothedepartment.
HUMANSHIELDS
Theideahereistofindortorecruit“blockers”whoareable,willing,andeven
delightedtotakeabusethatwouldotherwisebeheapedonyou.Therearemany
roleswheretakingheatfromassholesandotherdifficultpeoplecomeswiththe
territory.AsIwroteinGoodBoss,BadBoss,althoughabuse,interruptions,
confusion,andothershitoftenrolldownhierarchies,mostorganizationsarealso
designedsothatit’smanagement’sjobtoprotect“thecoreworkofthe
organizationfromuncertaintyandexternalperturbations.”Thismeansthat“a
goodbosstakesprideinservingasahumanshield,absorbinganddeflecting
heatfromsuperiorsandcustomers,doingallmannerofboringandsillytasks,
andbattlingbackagainsteveryidiotandslightthatmakeslifeunfairorharder
thannecessaryonhisorhercharges.”
Soyoucanreduceyourownexposurebyfindingbosseswiththewillandskill
toprotecttheirchargesfromassholesandidiots.Toillustrate,theCEOisn’t
reallythetopdoginmostcompaniesandnonprofits.Heorshereportstoaboard
ofdirectors.GoodCEOsprotectemployees,customers,andinvestorsfromjerks
ontheboard.RecalltheSiliconValleyCEOthatIquotedattheoutsetofchapter
1,theonewhoaskedaboutdealingwithcluelessandmean-spiritedboard
members(“boardholes”)andboardswithnumerousnastydirectors
(“doucheboards”)?Wemetforaglassofwinetotalkaboutthatchallenge.Ata
previouscompanywherehewasalsoCEO,hehadapompousandpushy
boardholewhohecalled“theideaman.”Thisdirectorwasconstantlyproposing
newideasoneverythingfrombusinessstrategies,toHRpractices,totweaksand
massivechangesinproducts.HeoftendemandedthattheCEO’sseniorteam
implementhisideasoratleastdevoteconsiderabletimetoevaluatingthem—
eventhoughdoingsowouldcreateunnecessarydistractionsandstress
throughoutthecompany.AndintheCEO’sopinion,mostoftheideaman’s
ideaswereterrible.TheCEOdidoccasionallyimplementsomeofthisjerk’s
betterandlessintrusiveideas(“anoccasionaljuicybonetoplacatehim”),buthe
routinelydeflected,stalled,andwhennecessaryarguedwiththeboardhole.To
protecthispeople’smentalhealthandthecompany’sperformance,heespecially
ignoredordeflectedmostoftheideaman’srequestsforone-on-onemeetings
withemployees.That’sthekindofhumanshieldthatyouwantonyourside.
Similarly,Iexchangedmultipleemailswiththedirectorofsportsmedicineat
abiguniversitywhotookprideinprotectinghispeoplefromrudeandvindictive
senioradministrators.Hesaidsomethingwiseaboutwhatittakestobean
effectiveshield:“Ialwaystellthepeoplewhoworkformethesamething:My
jobistoholdtheumbrellasotheshitfromabovedoesn’thityou.Yourjobisto
keepmefromhavingtouseit.”AsIwroteintheHarvardBusinessReviewin
2010,“hepickedhisfightscarefully—becauseifhedevelopedthereputationas
achroniccomplainer,orworse,gotfired—hewouldbeunabletoprotect
anyone.Soheaskedhisfollowerstoavoidbendingorbreakingmisguided
universityrulesandprocedures,orupsettinguniversityofficials,unlessdoingso
wasessentialtotheirperformanceordignity.”
Bossesaren’ttheonlyoneschargedwithfacingandabsorbingheatfrom
mean-spiritedcolleagues,customers,students,parishioners,reporters,
constituents,ordonors.Companies,governmentagencies,workandsports
teams,andonlinegroupsappointandrecruitmembers—andsometimes
outsiders—toserveashumanshields.AuthorTomWolfewroteaboutthe
protectivepowersofdullcivilservantsthathedubbed“flakcatchers”—how
theytooktheheatfrom,screened,andcooleddownirateandintimidating
constituentswhobargedinandinsistedonmeetingwithSanFranciscocity
supervisors.AsPaulFriedmanfromtheUniversityofKansasputit,flak
catchersare“lightningrods”and“hasslehandlers”whotakeandabsorb“jolts
sentbythedissatisfied.”Takingsuchheatispartofthejobforreceptionists;
executiveassistants;securityguards;spokespersonsforcompanies,universities,
andpoliticalcampaigns;peoplewhoworkincomplaintdepartments;and
bouncers.
Skilleddentalhygienistsalsoplaythisrole.A2013studyofnearlytwo
thousandFinnishdentistsfoundthatwhentheyworkedinclosecooperationwith
theirdentalassistants,dentistssufferedlesspressuretopresentfakeemotionsto
theirpatientsandperformedtheirjobsbetter.Partofthereason,theresearchers
suggest,isthataskilleddentalassistant(whousuallyseespatientsbeforethe
dentistandoftenseesthemmorefrequently)can“buffer”thedentistfrom
difficultanddemandingpatients.Inotherwords,theytakethepatient’sflakand
coolthemout,whichsparesdentistsfromhavingtodealwithit.
“Hasslehandling”isamoreexplicitpartofotherroles.IinterviewedaDisney
executive(heaskedtoremainanonymous)whodescribedtheemployees,or
“castmembers,”inguestrelationsatDisneylandas“full-timeassholehandlers,”
atallordergiventhatDisneyland’sofficialtaglineis“TheHappiestPlaceon
Earth.”Whenaguestisrude,angry,swearingloudly,orvisiblyupset,cast
membersnotonlytrytocalmhimorher;theyareadeptatreducingtheexposure
ofothergueststosuchun-Disneymaliceandmisery.Theexecutiveemphasized
thatcastmembersaretaughtthatseparatingunhappyguestsfromothersis
crucialbecausenegativeemotionsaresocontagious.Castmembersnudgeupset
andirategueststotalkwiththeminless-crowdednooksandcranniesofthe
park;guestswhobecomeespeciallyunhingedareledintoa“cool-downroom”
inCityHallonDisneyland’sMainStreet—sotheycandiscussconcerns,vent,
andcomposethemselveswithoutcontaminatingothers(CityHallalsohousesthe
complaintdepartment—soitisprobablytheunhappiestplaceatDisneyland).
Finally,youmightcollaboratewithpeerstoalternatebetweenrolesthat
involvehighversuslowexposuretoassholes—thatway,inthewordsofthe
RollingStones,youeachgetyour“fairshareofabuse”(andrelieffromit).
Sometimes,tradingplacesisbakedintostandardoperatingprocedures—butbe
waryofthoseproceduresthatareunfair,especiallytoyou!Recallthat,inthe
researchontransportationsecurityofficersbyMichelAntebyandCurtisChan,
thepolicywastorotateTSOsbetweendifferentpositionseverythirtyminutes—
bothtodecreaseboredomandbecausesomejobs(suchaspattingdown
passengers)entailedgettingupcloseandpersonalwithpassengersinwaysthat
annoyedandsometimesangeredthem.Alas,AntebyandChan’sresearchalso
revealedthatfemaleTSOswereassignedtodifficultandasshole-intensiveroles
(especiallypat-downtasks)moreoftenthanmaleTSOs—andsupervisors
sometimespunishedwomenwhotriedtotakeextratimetorecover.Sobeware
ofjoining,supporting,ordesigningunfairsystemsthattendtoprovidefarmore
relieftosometargetsthantoothers.
Youalsocanmakeinformalagreementswithotherssothateverybodygets
(moreorless)theirfairshareofabuse.Numerouslawyers,accountants,and
managementconsultantshavetoldmethattheytaketurnsdealingwithdifficult
clients.(Oneconsultantremarkedtome,“Well,it’smynighttositnexttoour
bigclientandall-starassholeatdinner.”)Similarly,restaurantworkersalternate
exposuretocustomerswhoarebadtippers,orhyperdemanding,orrude.WhenI
workedatanow-defunctpizzaparlorinPaloAltocalledTheMBJRanchRoom
inmylateteens,anobnoxiousdrunkknownas“CrazyMary”cameinmost
nightsatabout8p.m.Sheswore,ranted,andspitwhileshetalked.Ittookher
forevertoorderherfoodandthensheusuallycomplainedaboutit—theserving
wastoosmall,itwastooexpensive,orthepizzahadtoomuchsauce.Noneofus
wantedtoserveCrazyMary,butsomeonehadto.MycoworkerArniecameup
withafairsolution;whenshewalkedin,thetwoorthreeofusinthekitchen
playedaquickgameofrock-paper-scissors;thelosertookMary’sorderand
dealtwithhercomplaintsthatnight.
SAFETYZONES
TherenownedsociologistErvingGoffmanportrayedeverydaylifeasakintothe
theater,whereweallhaveroles—public“presentationsofself”—toperform;
but,alsolikethetheater,thereare“backstageregions”wherewecanpreparefor,
hidefrom,andrecoverfromthedemandsanddistressofourmorepublic,or
onstage,performances.Peoplewho“perform”rolesofallkindsuse“backstage
regions”toreducetheirexposuretoassholesandotherdistressingcharacters,to
prepareforandrecoverfromencounters,andtogiveandreceivesupportto
fellowtargets.
Forexample,the“nurses’lounge”servesallthesefunctions.Whenmy
colleagueDanDenisonandIspentaweekobservingandinterviewingoperating
roomnursesinaMichiganhospital,whatwesawandhearddovetailedwith
researchthatsuggestsnursesareoneofthemostintenselybulliedoccupations.
Theyareblamed,insulted,pressured,andbelittledfromeverydirection—the
flakcomesfrompatients,patients’families,fellownurses,hospital
administrators,and,ofcourse,physicians(especiallysurgeons).Thenursesthat
westudiedwerebelittledandsexuallyharassed—asIsaidinTheNoAsshole
Rule,wedubbedonesurgeon“Dr.Gooser”afterweobservedhimchasinga
femalenursedownthehallwhilehetriedtopinchherbehind.Rightafterthat
incident,DanandItriedtofollowseveralnursesintotheirloungetotalktothem
aboutDr.Gooserandothermatters.Theymadecleartousthatnoonewas
allowedintheloungeexceptnurses—nodoctors,noadministrators,and
certainlynoresearchers.
Backstageregionsaresometimesdedicatedprivateareaslikethatnurses’
lounge.Examplesincludetheteachers’loungewhereeducatorsfindreliefand
recoveryfromstudents;“greenrooms”(whicharen’tusuallygreen)where
televisionguestsandotherperformersareseparatedfromaudiences;andthat
“cool-downroom”atDisneyland’sCityHall—whichfitsGoffman’stheatrical
analogyespeciallywell.Disneylabelstheplaceswhere“guests”visitas
“onstage”areas.When“onstage,”the“castmembers”suchasjanitorsandride
operatorsand“performers”suchasMickeyMouseandSnowWhitearerequired
tostayincharacter;theyareonlyallowedtoeat,jokewithcoworkers,andsuch
—ineffect,toactoutofcharacter—whentheyare“backstage.”Andwhilemost
“backstage”regionsarereservedforDisneyemployees,the“cool-downroom”
isanexception.
The“cryingrooms”thatguestscanrentattheMitsuiGardenHotelYotsuya
inTokyoisanespeciallyexplicit—andstrange—exampleofaspacededicated
toreliefandrecoveryfromassholesandotherproblems.Theseroomsare
designedtobesafehavensforyoungfemalegueststo“de-stress”by“bawling
theireyesout.”That’swhatahotelspokespersontoldTimein2015;forabout85
U.S.dollars,thesespecialroomsare“stockedwithtissues,‘warmeyemasks’
andaboutadozensentimentalmovies.”
Other“backstage”areasaren’tdedicatedas“safetyzones”butareusedfor
thatpurpose.Thelocalcoffeeshoporbaroftenprovidesasaferefugefromall
mannerofworkplaceassholes.Hallways,fireescapes,andthewatercooleralso
serveasbackstageregions.Afriendwhoisapilottellsmethat,onlongflights,
flightattendantssometimesjoinherandthecopilotinthecockpit,inpart,toget
afewminutesofrelieffrompassengers(andoftentoventaboutsomeasshole
whoisdrunk,demandingspecialtreatment,orengaginginborderlinesexual
harassment).
Smokebreaksnotonlyprovidepeopleanicotinefix;theyoftenserveas
makeshiftbackstagegatheringsthatprovidereliefandreleasefromthelocal
assholes.Forexample,IworkedwithStanfordPhDstudentJoachimLyon,who
didin-depthethnographiesoftwodesignfirmsinChina.Joachimdiscovered
thatdesignerswereespeciallyforthcomingabouttheirconcernsandproblems
withdemanding,abusive,andinsecureclientsduringsmokebreaks—wherethey
huddledtogetheroutsidetheofficeinsmallgroups.Joachimhadneversmoked
inhislife(andstilldoesn’t),buthelearnedhowtosmokejustsohecouldfitin.
Whileitwasn’tthefocusofJoachim’sresearch,heheardconstantcomplaints,
suggestions,andjokesaboutassholesduringsmokebreaksandother
“backstage”timesandplaces.Joachimdescribedanespeciallyvileclienttome
whotreateddesignersas“essentiallyhisownservantstodoashepleasedwithat
anygivenmoment”andwhodemandedimmediateresponsestoanycalloremail
fromtheprojectmanager“regardlessoftheactualseverityorimmediacyofthe
problem.”Joachimobserved,“Todealwiththisonslaught,duringbreaks,ifa
messagecameinfromthatclient,theprojectmanagerwouldannounceittothe
team.Thenthey’dplacebetsonwhethershewouldalsogetacallortextbefore
lunch,thecoffeerun,orthecurrentsmokebreakwasover.Itwaslikeyoucould
nevertrulyescape,andonlysomedarkhumorduringabriefbreakprovided
somereliefandsymbolicresistancetohelpthemtocontinuewithouthatingthe
situationtoomuch.”
Finally,sociologistSpencerCahillattheUniversityofSouthFloridaleda
fascinating—andcreepy—studyofbathroomsasbackstageareas.Cahillandfive
researchassistantsspentoverahundredhoursobservingbehaviorinpublic
bathroomsatshoppingmalls,universities,bars,andrestaurants.Beyondthe
obviousbiologicalneedsservedbybathrooms,Cahillandhisstudentsfoundthat
bathroomsprovidedtemporaryshelterfromupsettingpeopleandsituations.As
theyputit,“oncethedoortothestallisclosed,itistransformedintothe
occupyingindividual’sprivate,albeittemporary,retreatfromthedemandsof
publiclife.”
Inadditiontobeingaplacewherepeoplecan“keepone’spersonalfrontina
stateofgoodrepair,”bathroomsprovideasanctuaryforpeoplewhofeelhurtby
jerkstorecoverandcomposethemselves.TheWesternculturalstereotypeisthat
bathroomsprovideaplacewherewomencangotocry.Cahillprovidesan
illustrationfromaMargaretAtwoodnovelaboutawomanwhowassittingata
barwithfriendsandrealizedshewascrying—soshelockedherself“intooneof
theplushy-pinkcubiclesandweptforseveralminutes.”Cahillalsodescribes
how,especiallyforwomen,bathroomsareaplaceforcollectiveescapeand
recovery.
Anditisn’tjustwomenwhofleetothebathroomtocomposethemselves.In
2009,GoldmanSachs’CEOLloydBlankfeintoldtheNewYorkTimesthat,
earlyinhiscareer,thegroupheledhadlostalotofmoney.Sohewenttohis
bosstoproposeasolution.Blankfein’sbosssaidthesolutionwasfineandthen
gaveBlankfeinsomeunexpectedadvice:
Iturnedtowalkoutoftheroom,andhesaid:“Lloyd,justonesecond
beforeyougo.Whydon’tyoustopinthemen’sroomfirstandthrow
somewateronyourface,becauseifpeopleseeyoulookingasgreenas
youlook,they’lljumpoutthewindow.”
Thesurvivallessonfromstudiesandstoriesonbackstageregionsisthat,to
reduceyourexposureandtorechargeyourdefenses,ithelpstofind—andif
necessary,invent—asshole-freezoneswhereyouandotherscantaketemporary
refuge.
EARLYWARNINGSYSTEMS
Peoplewhodoalotofassholewranglingoftenbandtogethertoprepareforand
dodgeincomingjerks.Readersincludingassemblyworkers,engineers,U.S.
Armyofficers,andpriestshaveexplainedtomehow—whenknownassholesare
inbound—texts,emails,andwhispersstartflyingsopeoplecanpreparetohide,
leave,orassumeasafeposeuntilthethreatpasses.Othergroupsdevelop
methodsforspreadinginformationaboutwhetherclients,superstars,orbosses
areingoodorbadmoods.Insomeplaces,theboss’sadministrativeassistantis
recruitedtoinformcolleagueswhenthebossisinafoulmood(andshouldbe
avoidedorhandledwithcare)orfeelingupbeat(anditisagoodtimetovisitor
raiseasensitivesubject).
ConsiderJonathanOrenstein,thevolatileCEOofMesaAirlines,whotheNew
YorkTimesprofiledina2007storywiththeheadline“ApproachBosswith
Caution.”TheTimesdescribedOrensteinas“loud,volatile,insulting,doesn’t
listentotheotherperspective.”StacyHeath,hisformerassistant,estimatedhe
wasinabadmood60%ofthetime.AsOrenstein’sassistant,“hertasksincluded
trackinghismoodandwarningexecutivesawayfromameetingwiththeboss.”
AfterHeathwaspromotedtoamanagementrole,shestartedcallingOrenstein’s
newassistantforthesamereason:“Theywouldcallandsay,‘Isheinagood
mood?’Iusedtolaugh,butIdoitnow,too.”
OrtakethealertissuedinTheProposal,a2009filmwhereSandraBullock
playsacruelandcalculatingNewYorkbookeditor.Assheapproachesthe
office,herexecutiveassistant(playedbyRyanReynolds)emailshiscolleagues
“THEWITCHISONHERBROOM.”Inaninstant,thegossiping,eating,and
screwingaroundstops,peoplescurrybacktotheircubicles,andeachpretendsto
dosomethingthatlooksproductive.
Youcanalsodevelopyourownwarningsystemsfordemeaningclientsand
customers.Myfavoritecameinanemailfromaformercrossingguardwho
workedataninternationalborderoftheoldSovietUnion.Whenheorhis
colleaguesencounteredanabusivetraveleratthefirstor“primary”inspection
point,theymarkedthepaperworklikethis:
Heexplained,“Thisinsuredthatthelevelofsubsequentinspection
correspondedtotheindicatorsofa-holitydemonstratedattheprimarycheck
point.Ofcourse,ifquestionedwhythisdiagramwasontheform,the
explanationwasthatthepersonwasatargetforinspection.”
Withtheriseofsocialmedia,warningsystemshavebecomemore
sophisticated.OpenTable,apopularInternetrestaurantreservationserviceinthe
UnitedStates,notonlyenablescustomerstowritereviews;restaurantemployees
canalsoaddnotesaboutcustomers,which—amongotherpurposes—warns
colleaguesattheirrestaurantaboutincomingassholes.That’swhathappensat
DannyMeyer’sUnionSquareHospitalityGroup,whichincludessuchfancy
restaurantsasUnionSquareCafe,GramercyTavern,BlueSmoke,Jazz
Standard,TheModern,Maialino,Untitled,NorthEndGrill,andMarta.In
August2012,thewebsiteGrubStreetreportedthatDannyMeyer’sstaffmakes
extensiveuseof“codesandnotesonwhatkindofcustomertheyreallyare”on
OpenTable.Forexample,a“customerwithanS.O.E.notemeanstheyhavea
‘senseofentitlement.’”AninsiderfromDannyMeyer’soperationtoldGrub
Streetthatthecompanyisan“empireofniceness”anddedicatedto
accommodatingeverycustomer,but“ifyou’reanassholetous,itgetswritten
downandyou’retreatedaccordingly.”InSeptemberof2012,theNewYork
Timespiece“WhatRestaurantsKnow(AboutYou)”addedthatatmany
restaurantsthatuseOpenTable,“customerswithbadreputationsareoften
flaggedHWC,handlewithcare.Andifthere’san86onyourprofile,chances
areyouwillbemakingalternativeplansfordinner.”
MIX,MATCH,ANDIMPROVISE
Eachavoidancetechniquecanhelppeoplelimittheirexposuretootherswho
treatthemlikedirt,andinturn,diminishthedamageandriskof“catching”and
spreadingsuchugliness.Checkoutthehandysummaryofthese“contamination
andcontagionbusters”attheendofthechapter.Themethodshere,however,
providereliefandprotectioninwildlyvariedways—andformostasshole
problems,afewofthetechniqueswillworkandtherestwon’t.IwishIcould
deviseacompletesurvivalchecklistthatworksforeveryassholeproblem—
somethinglikeairplanepilotsusebeforeeverytakeoff.Alas,jerksdotheirdirty
workinsomanywaysandsomanyplacesthateveryassholeproblemrequiresa
customstrategy.It’sonyoutocraftablendoftacticsthatisrightgiventhe
nuancesandquirksofyourpredicament;yourstrengths,weaknesses,andgoals;
andhowyouwanttofeelaboutyourselfwhenyoulookbacklateron.
ConsideraninspiredsolutionthatoneCEOdevisedforreducingherexposure
toaflaming“boardhole”andseizingamodicumofcontroloverhisincoming
invective.WhenshewasCEOofasmallsoftwarefirm,shehadaboardmember
whoscreamedandsworeatherwhenevertheyspoke.Hewassoabusivethatthe
CEOdideverythingshecouldtoavoidface-to-facemeetingswithhim.Instead,
asItoldForbes,shescheduledregularphonecallswithhim,where“sheputthe
phoneonmuteanddidhernails,”turnedthevolumeofhisvoicewaydown,and
checkedback“everythreetofourminutestoseeifhewasstillyelling.”Aftera
while,theboardholewouldhavespewedoutmostofhisvenom,calmeddowna
bit,andshecouldhavesomethingresemblingacivilandconstructive
conversation.
Inherstory,youseehintsoftheavoidancestrategiesI’vediscussed—
distancinganddodging.Iloveheruseofthemuteandsoundvolumebuttons
(whichisevenbetterthanwalkingoutofabadmeeting)andhowthetechnology
—thephone—helpedherengagewitha“lowerresolution”versionofthe
boardhole—shewassparedhisangrysneer,redface,andthedisgustingveins
poppingoutonhisforehead.Andwhenshetookhershoesoff,putherfeeton
herdesk,anddidhertoenails,theritualsoothedherandturnedherattention
elsewhere.Thecombinationofthemutebuttonanddoinghernailsnotonly
reducedthedurationandintensityofabuse;thisblendalsohelpedhertobecome
emotionallydetachedfromtheuglysituation.Idigmoreintothevirtuesof
emotionaldetachmentandother“mindtricksthatprotectyoursoul”from
assholesinthenextchapter.
Fornow,let’sfocusonthebiglessonillustratedbythatCEO.Thisbook
provideskeyingredientsthatyoucanusetocreateasurvivalstrategythatworks
bestforyou.Ialsoofferstudies,solutions,andstoriesbecause,ifyoufeel
besiegedbyassholes,theyshowthatyouarenotalone,thatthereareprotective
stepsyoucantake,and—formostpeople—lifegetsmuchbetter.It’suptoyou,
andperhapsthosewhocanhelpyou,todevelop,experimentwith,andkeep
tweakingyourownsurvivalstrategygiventheparticularweirdnessyouface—
justlikethatcleverCEOdidwhenshescheduledphonecallsinsteadofface-to-
facemeetings,hitthemutebutton,andpaintedhernails.
ASSHOLEAVOIDANCETIPS
ContaminationandContagionBusters
1. RidetheAllencurve.Canyouenticethelocalassholesto
movejustalittlefartherawayfromyou?AsMIT’sTom
Allenshowed,evenanextratenfeetcanhelp.Andifyoucan
somehowgetthemtomovetonewdigs,inanotherbuilding
oronadifferentfloor,itisalmostasgoodasshippingthemto
anothercountry.
2. Soclosebutsofar.Ifyoumustgotogatheringsorareforced
tobeincloseproximitytojerks,canyousitorstandevenjust
afewextrafeetaway?Trytochooseaplacewhereit’s
difficulttomakeeyecontactwithyourtormentor,suchason
thesamesideofthetablebutasfarawayfromhimorheras
possible.
3. Dodgeandduckout.Canyouavoidencounterswithpeople
whonauseateyouandunleashyourinnerdevil?Canyou
figureouthowtobehomeorontheroadwhentheyare
around—orarrivelateorleaveearlyformeetings,
collaborativework,orsocialgatheringsthatyoucan’tskip?
4. Therhythmmethod.Areyoulockedinarelationshipwith
oneofthoseassholeswhotakespleasureeverytimeyoureact
withobviousunhappiness?Ifso,canyouslowtherhythm?
Trytodelayanddenyyourtormentorreinforcementby
waitingaslongasyoucanbeforeyourespondtonasty
messagesandphonecalls.Andmeetwithhimorherasrarely
asyoucan.
5. Aninvisibilitycloak.Areyoustuckinanasshole-rich
setting,wherepowerfulsuperiors,clients,orcitizenstreatyou
asifyouwereinvisible—exceptwhenyoucommitsomereal
orimaginedcrime,andthentheydumpalloveryou?Perhaps
thatinvisibilitycanprovideyouwithprotectivecamouflage.
Youmightblendintothebackgroundbysayingaslittleas
possible,beingboring,doingworkthatisneitherterriblenor
terrific,andhidingbehindablandandblankexpression.
6. Bullyblockers.Canyoufindabosswhoshieldsyoufromthe
assholes—orperhapsgentlytrainhimorhertodoit?Orcan
youfindorrecruitaflakcatcher,someonewhowrangleswith
rudeandoverbearingcustomers,employees,users,orcitizens
sothatyoudon’thaveto?
7. Tag-teampartners.Canyoudevelopaformalorinformal
rotationsystemsothateveryonegetsaboutthesameamount
ofexposuretoknownjerksortasksthataremoreasshole-
intensive?Thatway,everybodygetsthefairshareofabuse
(andrelief).
8. Gobackstagefortemporaryrelief.Findandusea“safety
zone”whereassholesaren’tallowedtogoorcan’tfindyou,
whereyouhavetimetorecoverfromthelatestinsultstoyour
soulandprepareforthenext,andcancommiseratewithand
supportfellowtargets.Itmightbeadedicatedplacelikea
teachers’lounge,orthelocalStarbucksorwateringhole,orit
couldbejustaquiethallwayoranearbypark.
9. Activatetheearlywarningsystem.Workwithyour
colleaguesandcomradestowarneachotherofincoming
assholes—soyoucanhidefromthem,beonyourbest
behavior,steerthemawayfrompeopleandplacesthatwill
triggertheirdisdainorrage,andperhapspreparetoscrew
yourtormentorover.Asignonthedoorthatsays“The
assholeisin”probablywillgetyouintrouble;butdiscreetuse
ofphonecalls,messages,emails,orsocialmediajustmight
dothetrick.
5
MindTricksThatProtectYourSoul
REMEMBERHOW,backinchapter2,WestPoint“plebe”BeckyMargiottatwisted
herthoughtstosurvivethenonstophazing?Let’sdigabitdeeperintohowshe
reducedthesting.
Oneday,earlyinthatfirstyear,Beckytriggeredastormofridiculefrom
severalupper-classcadetsaftershefailedtorepeateverystoryonthefrontpage
oftheday’sNewYorkTimes(acommon“mistake”).Theystood“twoinches
frommynoseandscreamedatme”aboutallthewaysshewasafailureasa
personandprofessional.Beckyhadanepiphanythatday;ratherthantakingthis
abusepersonally,shestartedthinkingofthesein-your-faceanticsas“incredibly
entertaining.”Shestoppedworryingthatthegamewasrigged,thatshewas
destinedtoprovokeconstanthumiliation,andthatshewasatriskoflosing
composureandthusthemandated“militarybearing.”
Instead,shefocusedonhowimaginativeandfunnytheupper-classcadets
wereastheyhazedplebes.Beckybecamesoimpressedwiththeir“witand
skill,”sotospeak,thatwhenitwasdirectedather,itrattledherfarless.At
times,Beckyfoundtheirinsults,taunts,andpettypunishmentssohilariousthat
shecouldn’tsuppressherlaughter,whichgotherintomoretrouble(they
screamedthingslike“Whatissofunny?”and“Thisisnolaughingmatter!”),
whichjustmadeitallseemevenmoreamusing.
Beckydealtwithassholesbyreframingtheirbehaviorsoitwaslessupsetting
andlessthreateningtoher—that’showtherapistswhopracticecognitive
behavioraltherapy(andmanyresearchers)wouldputit.Cognitivebehavioral
therapyisthemostwidelyusedevidence-basedapproachfortreatingmental
healthproblems.It’sgroundedintheideathatdysfunctionalthinkingcanshape
apatient’smoodandbehaviorindestructiveways.AsUniversityof
Pennsylvania’sJudithBeckexplains,suchtherapyhelpspatientstoseetheir
experiencesinadifferentandmorepositivelight—whichenablesthemtofeel
betterandtoengageinmoreconstructivebehaviors.Partofthetherapyentails
nudgingpatientstoreframedifficultiesandconcernsasbeinglessupsetting,or
evenasgoodthings.Socialpsychologistsandotherresearchershaveshownthat
reframing(or“reappraising”)disturbingfactsordistressingexperiencesina
morepositivelight—whilenotacure-all—canproviderelief.Forexample,
whetherthesameexperienceisportrayedasafunandexcitingchallenge—
versusadistressingthreat—cantransformhowpeoplefeelandperformin
response.
AdamAlterfromNewYorkUniversityandhiscolleaguesdidremarkable
researchonsuchreframingwithelementaryschoolkidsinNorthCarolinaand
withundergraduatesatPrincetonUniversity.TheyfoundthatAfricanAmerican
studentsinbothgroupsperformedconsiderablybetteronamathtestwhenitwas
framedasachallengingquestionnaire(i.e.,asinterestingorintellectually
provocative)ratherthanasathreateningtest(thatwouldshowhowsmartthey
were“rightnow”orassesstheirbasicability).Itwasthesametest,butseeingit
asachallengeboostedtheirconfidenceandturnedtheirattentionawayfrom
negativeculturalstereotypesaboutAfricanAmericansandtheirallegedly
disadvantagededucationalbackgrounds(whensuchstereotypesaremadevivid
toAfricanAmericanstudents,studiesshowthattheirlearning,self-confidence,
andperformancesuffer).
Reframingisacommondefenseagainstworkplaceassholes.DanaYagiland
hercolleaguesattheUniversityofHaifasurveyed225Israeliemployeesabout
howtheydealtwithsupervisorswhoabusedthemviaridicule,bad-mouthing,
embarrassment,thesilenttreatment,andothercruelwordsanddeeds.They
measuredreframingbyaskingifemployeestoldthemselvesthingssuchas“this
isonlyajob”and“thisisasmall,unimportantmatter.”Yagil’steamfoundthat
reframingwasamongthemaintacticsthatabusedemployeesturnedtofor
emotionalshelter.
Similarly,astudyinaSpanishtelecommunicationscompanyfoundthat
bulliedemployeeswhoengagedin“psychologicaldetachment”byactively
thinkingaboutmorepleasantthingsand“switchingoff”duringnonworkhours
sufferedlessemotionalstrain(e.g.,unhappiness,depression,lostsleep).
Detachedemployeeswerealsolessobsessedwithexactingrevenge—they
thoughtlessaboutgettingevenwithbossesandcoworkerswhohumiliated,
ridiculed,andspreadnastyrumorsaboutthem.
Thischapterunpacksreframingstrategiesandrelated“mindtricks”thatcan
provideprotectionevenwhenyoucan’torwon’tescape,reduceyourexposure,
orfightthejerkswhobugandbadgeryou.Changinghowyouconstruepeople
andeventscanbelikeputtingonaprotectiveflakjacketthatshieldsyoufrom
incomingassholes.Mostofthesetricksworkbestwhenyoujoinforceswith
friends,coaches,bosses,coworkers,orfellowtargetstodevelop“frames”that
workforyouandothersinthesameboat.Thesetricksstillhelpwhenyougoit
alone.Butwhenyoubuildsuchinterpretationswithotherswhoyoucantrust,
theycanverifythatyouaren’tcrazyandthatyoureallyareundersiege.Andyou
havealliestohelpyougetthroughtoughtimeswhenthebrutesandbackstabbers
areonthewarpathoryourself-confidencewavers—andyoucanhelpthemget
throughroughtimesinreturn.
Thepowerofreframing—andhavingotherstohelpyouwithit—pervadesthe
advicethatanemployeeassistancecounselorataU.S.governmentfacilitygives
tothebulliedemployeesheserves.Thiscounselorwrotemethathisjobwas“to
getfolkstosurviveinAssholeville”andoutlinedthethreekeystepshefollows:
1. Headvisestheabusedemployeeto“takeasurvey,”totalktofellow
employeestomakesurethatthe“managingasshole”isnotsinglinghim
orheroutforabuse.Theseconversationswithcolleaguesarecrucial
because,ifthemanageristreatingtheemployeeaboutasbadlyas
everyoneelse,thentheemployeecanstop“indicting”himorherself“for
creatingabadsituation.”
2. Iftheoffendingmanageris,infact,anequalopportunityasshole,the
counselorasksoftheaggrieved:“Whyareyoudepressedandanxious
whenhedoesactasyoudefinehim?”And“Whystressaboutanasshole
doingassholestuff?”
3. Iftheemployeeiscertainthat“yes,thisisanasshole,”thecounselor
encouragesdetachment—oneofthereframingstrategiesI’vealready
mentionedandwilltalkaboutmore.Oneofhisfavoritedetachment
strategiesistoencourageemployeestothinkofthemselvesasaspectator
orobserver—notasaplayer—inacompetitionwherethegoalisto
predicttheirtormentor’snextmove.Heexplained,“Theemployeetakes
controloftheirexperiencebylookingatthefactsandpredicting
outcomes.Myclientsareoftendelightedwhentheyareabletoreport,‘I
guessedhewoulddothatandhedid.Whatanasshole!’”
Eachofthesestepsentailshelpingdepressedandanxiousemployeesto
changetheirdefinitionofthesituation—notthesituationitself.Inaddition,
employeestrusttheirnewdefinitionbecauseitisformedandsustainedthrough
multipleconversationswiththecounselorandfellowtargets.Ithelpswhen
peopleturntoeachotherforsupportandfindthattheyaren’taloneordefective.
Theylearnthattheirpeersaredealingwithorhavesurvivedassholeproblems,
whichgivesthemhopeandconfidencethattheycantoo.
Nowlet’sdigintosomespecificmindtricksthatcanprotectyoursoul.
Youaren’ttoblame. EmployeesatthatU.S.governmentfacilitysufferedless
afterconvincingthemselvesthattheyweren’ttoblamefortheirtormentor’s
behavior.Asthatcounselorsuggested,theyhadnoreasontoberatethemselves
because“Whystressaboutanassholedoingassholestuff?”Cognitivebehavioral
therapistsdescribethisasreversingordampeningdestructive“personalization”
where“youbelieveothersarebehavingnegativelybecauseofyou,withoutfirst
consideringmoreplausibleinterpretationsfortheirbehavior.”
ExperimentsatStanfordUniversitybyJensBlechertandhiscolleagues
confirmtheprotectivepowerofsuchreframing(theycalledit“reappraisal”).
WhentheyshowedStanfordstudentspicturesofangrypeopleandthengave
themafewminutesofreappraisaltraining(e.g.,“Imaginethispersonisnot
angryatyoubutjusthadabaddayorafightwithhisboss”),thenseeing
additionalpicturesofangrypeoplenolongerupsetthem(asthepictureshadthe
firsttime).Incontrast,studentswhoweren’ttaughtsuch“it’snotmyfault”
reappraisalscontinuedtogetupsetbyviewingpicturesofangrypeople.Jens
Blechert’stalentsasbothatherapistandresearcherareevidentinhis2011
interviewinHealthDayNewsabouttheimplicationsofthiscopingstudy.
Blechertconcludedthat“ifyou’retrainedwithreappraisal,andyouknowyour
bossisfrequentlyinabadmood,youcanprepareyourselftogointoameeting,”
andwhenyourbossdoes“screamandyellandshout,”yournegativereactions
willbeweakerand,infact,youmayhavenoneatall.
Prisonguardsuseasimilartactictotakethestingoutofinmates’insultsand
threats.TworesearchersI’vealreadymentioned,KatyDeCelles(whoadvised
“don’tengagewithcrazy”)andMichelAnteby(whostudiedTSAemployees
withCurtisChan),teameduptostudytheemotionalresponsesofcorrectional
officerswhoworkedinU.S.stateprisons.Theirinterviewswith,and
observationsof,113correctionalofficersrevealedthat“nottakingitpersonally”
wasakeymindtrickthatofficersusedtodampentheirnegativereactionsto
inmates,seethemashumansratherthanascagedanimals,andsetthestagefor
treatingthemincaringratherthancruelorapatheticways.
DeCellesandAntebyfound“thisshieldingbehaviorwasespeciallyprevalent
whenitcametodisrespect,insults,andthreatsdirectedtowardsofficers.”An
officertoldthem,“Well,Ihavetriednottolookatthingsasapersonalassault
onme,”andhetriedto“stepback”andconstrueprisoners’insultsandangeras
iftheywerenotattackinghim.Instead,heframedtheiroutburstsasanaffrontto
theauthorityfigurethey“seeonadailybasis,dayin,dayout,”nottowardhim
asapersonwhoprovokedtheirangerordeservedtobeblamedfortheirplight.
Finally,awarningaboutthis“depersonalization”or“it’snotmyfault”
defense:AsIshowinchapter7,manypeoplewhofuelassholeproblems,orwho
aretheproblem,stillblameothers.Sure,evenifyouareanasshole,convincing
yourselfthatyoureallyareaswellpersonmayprotectyourmentalhealth.Such
adenialcan,however,comebacktobiteyou.Yourbadbehaviormayattractand
breedfellowassholes,whothenturntheirfireonyou(beingajerkyourself
doesn’tnecessarilyprotectyoufromfellowjerks).And,asIwarnedinTheNo
AssholeRule,treatingotherslikedirtisalsoriskybecauseyoucreateenemies—
whowaitforjusttherightoccasionforpayback.Inmanysocialnetworksand
organizations,GrouchoMarx’soldline“timewoundsallheels”isprophetic.
Downplaythethreat. This“it’snotthatbad”tacticentailsfirstacknowledging
youareinJerkworld,butconstruingthemeaniesaslessevilorharmfulthanyou
oncedid.ThiswaspartofBeckyMargiotta’sstrategyatWestPoint;byseeing
thehazingbyupper-classcadetsas“hilarious,”sherenderedtheirharanguing
andpunishmentsaslessthreateninginhermind.
Skilledtherapistsandleadersdosomethingsimilartohelpclientsand
followersidentifydestructivethoughtsthatareuntrueorexaggeratedintheir
minds—tohelpthemviewtheirsituationinamorepositive(oratleastless
negative)light.Incognitivebehavioraltherapy,therapistsworkwithpatientsto
changetheirthinkingwhentheyhave“tunnelvision”oruse“mentalfilters”that
causethemtofixateonthenegativepartsofasituation.Andtheyhelppatients
toquestionandthenchangedestructiveandseeminglypermanentlabelsthat
theyapplytothemselvesortoothersdespite“evidencethatmightmore
reasonablyleadtoalessdisastrousconclusion.”
Ifyouaredealingwithassholes,orhelpingothersdoso,suchreframingcan
provideprotection.WhenIconductedthestudyoftelephonebillcollectors
describedinchapter4,Ilearnedthatcollectorsoftensaidthingslike“thatwas
nothing,I’vehadalotworse”toreducethedistresstheyorcolleaguesfeltfrom
uglyencounterswithdebtors.Aftermyclassroomtraining,Ispentseveraldays
whereIwatchedandlistened,andthenmademyowncalls,undertheguidance
ofanexperiencedcollector.Duringonecall,Iwasrattledbyacurtdebtorwho
complainedthatIhadcalledduringdinner,tooktoolongtomakemypoint,and
hehadmissedjustonepaymentandmyharassmentwasoverthetop.Afterthe
call,theexperiencedcollectorhelpedmereframetheexperience,explainingthat
afterIdidmorecalls,IwouldrealizethedebtorIhadspokentohadn’tinsulted,
yelled,orsworeatme,andthatitwasgoodhesoundedannoyedbecauseit
meantthathewasupsetenoughtopay(butnotsoupsettorefusetopayoutof
spite).Hesaiditwasaboutasgoodasacallgets—thedebtoransweredthe
phone,wasn’tobnoxious,andpaidthebill.
Ilatersawthatexperiencedcollectorsoftenrespondedtoangry,dishonest,or
cluelessdebtorsbytellingcolleaguesthatitwasnobigdealandrecountingwar
storiesaboutdebtorswhowerefarmorecrazyorcruel.Thosewarstoriesnot
onlyhelpedcomfortandcalmfellowcollectors;tellingsuchtalesalsocreated
“socialglue”thatbondedcollectorstogether,providedentertainmentandgave
themachancetolaughatdebtorsandthemselves,spreadtricksofthetrade,and
gavecollectorsachancetobrag.
Consideramanageratacity-planningdepartmentwhodidlayoffsduringa
budgetcrisis—whichtriggeredanuglyboutofassholepoisoning,especiallyby
severaldisgruntledstaffmemberswhokept“lobbing”angry,insulting,andfalse
commentsatandaboutmanagement.Thistroubledmanagerrecruitedaveteran
governmentleadertodowhatwas,inessence,areframinginterventionforthe
department.Theleaderhadone-on-oneconversationswithindividualsandthen
gatheredthemallforameeting.Hestartedoffbysaying,“Let’sgetonething
straight.I’vemetthemandyourmanagersaren’thalfasbadasyouthinkthey
are,norhalfasgoodastheythinktheyare.”Theleaderaddedthat,heknew
fromexperience,“therewillbeoneortwoofyousittingnearthebackofthe
roomwithyourhandsacrossyourchests,justwaitingtohurlrocksnomatter
whatwearetalkingabout.”
Thebesiegedmanagerexplainedhowthisreframingcuttwoways—it
conveyedtothestaffthattheirmanagersweren’tsobad,andtomanagersthat
thestaffwasn’tsobad,thatpeopleonbothsideswereexaggeratingthethreat.
Thisexamplealsodemonstrateshowreframingcanchangebehavior—notjust
thedefinitionofasituation.Themanagerwrotethattheleader’sreframingnot
onlyenabledeveryoneintheroomtofeellessthreatened,it“stigmatizedbad
stuffonbothsidesandallowedustolaughandtalkmoreeasily.”
Focusonthesilverlining. Thismindtrickentailsadmittingtoyourselfthat
yourtreatmentsucks,butfocusingontheupside—onthegoodyouarereaping
fromtheasshole.It’savariationofthe“it’snotreallythatbad”reframe.
Itcanbeusefulforgettingthroughencountersorextendedrelationshipswith
nastypeople,orforhelpingyoufeelbetterwhenyoulookbackatitalllater.For
example,journalistAndrewBeaujonwroteacharming,andratherdisturbing,
pieceforthePoynterInstitute’swebsitein2014thatasked,“WhyDoJournalists
RememberNastyEditorsFondly?”HeputthequestiontohiscolleagueJill
Geisler.Inadditiontonotingthepridethatsomejournalistsfeltaboutsurviving
whatwasakintofraternityandsororityhazingfromatoughanddemanding
editor,shepointedtoapairofsilverlinings.
First,survivorsemphasizedthecruciallessonsthattheylearnedabout
journalismfromthesebossholes.InGeisler’swords,“Infact,thereWASapony
underallthatpoop.Theponywassmartandtaughtthemsomeskillsthatmade
thembetter.That’swhythemanagersgot‘idiosyncrasycredits’fortheother
boorish(butnotdishonest)behaviors.”Thesecondupsidewasthatnastyeditors
sometimesthrewafewcrumbsofconfidencetotheyoungjournalist;thatsmall
islandofpraiseinaseaofcrueltyfeltmightygood.AsGeislerexplained,
“WhenthemeanestSOBinthevalleytellsyou,‘Kid,ifyougetyourheadoutof
yourbuttyoumightactuallymakeitinthisbusiness,’somekidsfeelspecial—
andtheyclingtothat.”
Riseaboveit. FormerU.S.FirstLadyMichelleObamausedthisreframing
strategyinherspeechatthe2016DemocraticNationalConventionin
Philadelphia.Mrs.ObamadescribedhowsheandPresidentObamatalkedto
theirteenagedaughtersMaliaandSashaaboutthe“hatefullanguagetheyhear
frompublicfiguresonTV.”Shesaid,“Weexplainthatwhensomeoneiscruel
oractslikeabully,youdon’tstooptotheirlevel.No,ourmottois:whentheygo
low,wegohigh.”
MuchastheformerFirstLadyandherhusbanddidtoprotecttheirfamily
fromtherelentlessinsultsandaccusationsthateveryU.S.presidentfaces,this
mindtrickentailstellingyourselfandthoseyoucareabouttosticktothehigh
roadandrefusetostooptoyourtormentor’slevel—andthatdoingsowillmean
youareabetterhumanbeingthanthoselowlifes.Notonlydoesthisstrategy
helptargetstakeprideintheirsuperiority;byrespondingtothemalicewitha
senseofcalm,civility,andevenwarmth,thereislesschanceofgettingintoa
shitfight—oftriggeringaviciouscircleofmutualhostility.
Thisisn’tjustastrategythatpoliticiansandtheirfamiliescanuse(andoneI
wishmorewoulduse).It’sattheheartofhowbaristasatPhilzCoffeeare
trained,frame,andtreattheircustomers.Philzisachainofthirty-fivestores
headquarteredinSanFrancisco.WhenItalkedtoCEOJacobJaber,hesaid
Philzisdedicatedtotreatingcustomerswithwarmth,to“craftingaperfectcup
toeveryindividualcustomer’staste,”which—betweentheexperienceandgreat
coffee—resultsin“cupsoflove.”Jacobinsiststhatbaristasbeniceeventorude
customers.Heexplained,sometimes,customersrealizethatthey’vebeenjerks
andturnnicer.Theyevenapologizenowandthen.Regardless,beingniceto
nastycustomersisasourceofprideforPhilz’sbaristas—forbeingabletoresist
thetemptationtostooptothejerk’slevelandreturnthe“badvibe.”AsJacobput
it,whencustomersareassholes,hejusttellsbaristas,“Beniceto’em.Fuck’em.
Butbenice.”
AftertalkingwithJacob,Iwantedtolearnhisemployees’perspectiveon
nastycustomers;afterall,justbecauseaCEOsayssomethingdoesn’tmeanit
reflectshowthepeopleonthefrontlinesactandfeel.IrecruitedDeanna
Badizadegan(myformerstudentandresearchassistant)tointerviewseveral
baristas,ashiftmanager,andastoremanager.DeannametthemattwoPhilz
locationsinSanFrancisco;eachserveddiversecustomersincludingyoungtech
workers,bankersandlawyers,homelesspeople,tourists,collegestudents,and
teenagers.
DeannawasstruckbyhowvehementeachPhilzemployeewasthat“thejobis
allabout‘betteringpeople’sdays’—itdoesn’tmatterhowshittyofapersonthey
are.”ThePhilzemployeeshadnumerousstoriesaboutoffensivecustomers—
controlfreaks(“theydon’tevenwantthecoffee;theyjustwanttohavetheir
little‘I’mincharge’fixforthemorning”),neurotic/OCDtypes(whowant“a
superspecificcup”),andworstofall,theclassistones(“thepersonwhothinks
he’sbetterthanyou”becausetheyhavemoremoneyorafancyjob).Each
employeerepeatedthemantrathattheylivedandpressedtheirPhilzcoworkers
touseasprotectivearmoragainstnastycustomers:“Kill’emwithkindness.”
AsJacobJaberimplied,hisemployeestookgreatprideinstickingtothehigh
roadandviewedlosingtheircoolasunprofessional.Theywerealsoproudabout
steppingintosavebeleagueredfellowbaristaswhowereonthevergeoflosing
theircomposureandofhowtheirrelentlesskindnesssometimes“flips”nasty
customers(“whoeventuallywarmuptoyou”).Ashiftleadersummedupthis
collectivedevotiontotakingthehighroadlikethis:“WhyshouldIbemadat
someonefordemandingaperfectcupofcoffee?IfIcan’tdothat,maybeI
shouldn’tworkhere—it’sallaboutthemind-set!”
Developsympathyforthedevil. Evenifajerkdoesn’tdeservetobeexcused
orletoffeasy,thisapproachcanhelpyoufeellessdemeanedandde-energized.
Ithelpedmedealwithacolleaguewhocaresdeeplyabouthisstudentsandwho
enablesthemtoachievewonderfulthings,butisotherwiseunpleasant,
temperamental,andselfish.Hehasholleredat,insulted,andthreateneddozens
ofotherprofessorsandstaffmembers(usuallyovertrivialmatters),resists
sharingresourcesorideas,demandsmorespaceandmoneythanotherswith
similarneeds,and—unlesshewantssomethingfromthem—treatsmostpeople
thatheencounterseverydayasiftheywereinvisible.
Idon’tworkwithhimdirectly.Yet,atonepoint,hisanticsweregettingon
mynerves.Oneyear,hetaughtaftermeinthesameclassroom.Whilemyclass
wasinsession,heoftenpressuredmetodismissitearlysohecouldthensetup
forhisclass.HealsoholleredatseveralpeopleIadmire.Ifoundmyself
spendingseveralhourseachweekbeingpissedoffathim,eventhoughI
couldn’tstophisantics(well,Itriedandfailed,perhapsIshouldhavetried
harder)andIhadlimitedcontactwithhim.
ThenIbeganusingamindtrickthateliminatednearlyallmyangertoward
andruminationaboutthispetulantprofessor.Ithoughtofallthewayshislife
hadbeendifficultandallthegoodthathehasdone.Isaidtomyselfthingslike
“Heislikeaporcupinewithaheartofgold”or,tostealalinefromaGoogle
engineer,“Heisaguywithabaduserinterfacebutagoodoperatingsystem.”
Bydevelopingsympathyforthisdevil,andallowingmyselftoforgivehim,I’ve
alteredmyperceptionssothathestoppeddrivingmenuts.
Thiskindofreframingstrategyisbolsteredbytheoryandresearchon
forgiveness.Itshowsthat,evenwhenajerkdoesn’tapologize,andyoudon’t
expressforgivenesstothem,forgivinghimorherinyourheartcanhelpyoulet
goofthehurt—andyoushoulddosowithoutcondoning,downplaying,or
forgettingtheoffense.Researchonbullyingand“interpersonaltransgressions”
suchaslies,insults,andbrokenpromisesshowsthatforgivenesshelpsvictimsto
letgooftheirsimmeringresentmentandthoughtsofeveningthescore.
InanexperimentbypsychologistCharlottevanOyenWitvlietandher
colleagues,collegestudentswereaskedtothinkofsomeonewhomistreated,
offended,orhurtthem.Astheexperimentunfolded,studentswerepromptedto
alternatebetweenunforgivingthoughtsthatinvolvedstayingangryand
“harboringthegrudge”versusforgivingthoughtsthatentailed“empathizing
withtheoffender”and“grantingforgiveness.”Forgivingthoughtsreduced
students’feelingsofangerandsadness,increasedtheirsenseofbeingincontrol,
andalsoreducedphysiologicalsignsofdistress,includingelevatedheartrate
andbloodpressure.Unforgivingthoughtshadtheoppositeeffects.Thisstudy
dovetailswithresearchonbulliedschoolchildrenthatfoundvictimswhoforgive
cruelclassmatesareplaguedbylesssocialanxietyandfewerthoughtsof
revenge,andalsoreportgreaterself-esteem.
Theupshotisthatevenifyourtormentorsdon’tdeservetobeletoffthehook,
pardoningthemfortheirsinscanfreeyoufrombeinghauntedbythemandwill
bolsterfeelingsthatyouaremasterofyourownfate.
Focusonthefunnyside. Humor,jokes,andlaughterhaveadarkside.
CanadianresearcherRodMartindevotedoverthirtyyearstostudyinghumor
andlaughter.AsMartinshowsinThePsychologyofHumor,wheninsultsor
threatsarecoatedinhumororsarcasm,theystingjustashard,oreverharder,
andyettheyaresometimesmoresociallyacceptable.
“Relax,it’sjustajoke”isastandarddefensethatassholesusetojustifytheir
terriblewordsanddeeds.Yethumorisbothaweaponandashield.Framingthe
crueltyorinsensitivitythattheyaimatyouasfunny,absurd,orridiculouscan
dampenthedamage.ResearchthatusesMartin’s“CopingHumorScale”shows
thatpeopleindistressingsituationssufferlessemotionalandphysicalharm
whentheyseethehumorinitall.Thesearepeoplewhoagreewithstatements
suchas,“IhaveoftenfoundthatmyproblemshavebeengreatlyreducedwhenI
triedtofindsomethingfunnyinthem”and“Icanusuallyfindsomethingto
laughorjokeaboutevenintryingsituations.”PerhapsthisiswhyAnnieHogh
andAndreaDofradottirfoundthatDanishemployeeswhoexperiencedfrequent
(evendaily)slanderandnastyteasingturnedtohumorasacopingstrategy
considerablymorethanthoseemployeeswhoexperiencedoccasionalbullyingor
noneatall.Itseemsthatfindingandfocusingonthefunnysideandabsurdityof
anasshole’smoves—andhowyouandothersrespond—canserveasprotective
armor.
We’veseentheprotectivepowersofhumorthroughoutthisbook.Thetargets
quotedhereoftenanointnastypeoplewithfunnynicknamesincluding
“boardhole,”“bosshole,”“DarthVader,”“theideaman,”“notamentorbuta
torr-mentor,”“A$$holeFactory,”“grinfucker,”and“theSeaWitch.”Humor
helpsreducethepainformyStanfordcolleaguesandmetoo.AsIwaswriting
thischapter,IhadwhatstartedasasomberconversationwithaStanfordstaff
memberaboutheroverlycontrollingboss.Soon,wewerebothlaughingabout
anepisodestraightoutoftheTVshowTheOfficeorthecult-classicfilmOffice
Space.Thismicromanagerhadtakentotiminghowlongoneofherunderlings
spentinthebathroomand,whenshereturned,pepperinghersubordinatewith
questionslike“Doyoureallyneedtospendsomuchtimeputtingonyour
makeup?”Weknewthisbosshadembarrassedthetargetedstaffmemberand
struckfearintheheartsofpeerswhoobservedandheardoftheseantics—and
wehadsympathyfortheirplight.Butseeingthesheerridiculousnessofitall,
andsharingalaugh,turnedsomethingthatwasupsettingtobothofusintoa
sourceofentertainment,whichmadeithurtlessandenabledbothofustofeel
lesshelpless—atleastwecouldchangehowwefeltaboutit,evenifwecouldn’t
stopsuchnonsense.
Lookbackfromthefuture. Themantrahereis:“Thistooshallpass.”When
youhitaroughpatch,tellyourselfthatit’stemporary.Thinkaboutalltheother
upsettingpeopleandproblemsyou’vefacedinthepast,andhowwhenyoulook
backatthemnow,theydon’tbotheryou,itwasnobigdeal,oritwasevenfor
thebest.ResearchersEmmaBruehlman-SenecalandOzlemAydukatthe
UniversityofCaliforniahavedocumentedthestress-reducingpowersof
“temporaldistancing.”Astheyputit,“Humanshaveauniquecapacityfor
mentaltimetravel.Wecantranscendthehere-and-nowbybothenvisioningthe
pastandimaginingthefuture.”
Thisduoconductedsixstudiesthatshowthatwhenpeoplefacestressorsboth
largeandsmall(fromendingalong-termrelationshiptodoingpoorlyonan
exam),iftheyfocusonhowtheywillfeelinthedistantfuture(ratherthanthe
nearfuture),theyfeellessimmediateworry,fear,anxiety,anger,sadness,
disappointment,andguilt.Suchpeoplearepronetoagreewithstatementslike“I
don’tthinkI’llbeupsetanymoreinoneweek”and“Ifocusedonhowthe
currentconsequencesoftheproblemwillfadeovertime.”
Thereseemtobetworeasonswhytemporaldistancinghelpspeoplecopewith
acurrentstress.First,mostpeoplearemoreoptimisticaboutthefuturethanthe
present.Sotheyexpectthatthingsintheirliveswillbebetterdowntheroad,
includingwhatisupsettingthemrightnow.Second,andespeciallycrucial,isthe
protectivepowerofperceivedimpermanence.Bylookingtothedistantfuture,
peoplearecomfortedwhentheyrealizethattheircurrenttroublesandthe
associatedemotionaldistressarejusttemporary—theyrememberthatclichés
suchas“thistooshallpass,”“timehealsallwounds,”and“humoristragedy
plustime”areoftentrue.
Todealwiththeassholesyouencounterrightnow,imagineitisafewhours,
days,months,oryearslater(dependingonhowlongyouexpecttheabuseto
last),andfocusonhowmuchlessupsetyouwillbeaboutitthen.Sothereisno
needtobesopreoccupiedandupsetrightnow.That’swhataformerCostco
cashierwhowrotemedidtosurviveherterribleboss.Hersupervisorcriticized
her,glaredather,andsworeunderhisbreathather—andgaveheronlyone
complimentinsixmonths.Shefocusedherthoughtsonhow,bythetimeshegot
homethatnight,theday’seventswouldallseemlikenobigdeal.And,aftershe
quit,thatitwouldbenothing,justsomethingshehadtoenduretomovetoa
betterplace.Suchtimeshiftinghelpedhergetthroughmanytoughdays—andto
moveontoahigher-payingjobwithamuchbetterboss.
Useemotionaldetachment. Thisisthe“frankly,asshole,Idon’tgiveadamn”
strategy.Yes,itcanhavebigdownsides,includinglosingyourjob.Themost
valuableandadmirablepeoplecaredeeplyaboutandgiveeverythingthey’ve
gottohelptheircolleagues,fellowvolunteers,customers,clients,andsuch.
EvidencefromresearchersatGallupandmanyotherinvestigatorsshowsthat
whenemployeesaremore“engaged”intheirworkandcommittedtotheir
bossesandcolleagues,theyaremoreproductive,cooperative,happy,creative,
pronetoputinextraeffort,andlesslikelytoquit;conversely,disengagement
hastheoppositeeffectsandplaguesmanyorganizationsandteams.And
consideraratherhorrifyingstudyofburned-outnursesconductedon161
Pennsylvaniahospitals:“cognitivelydetached”nurseswashedtheirhandsless
oftenandlesswell,whichwaslinkedtoaspikeinurinarytractand“surgical
site”infectionsamongpatients.
Thelessonisthatemotionaldisengagement,detachment,ordistancing(or
whateveryouprefertocallit)isasometimesterribleandentirelypredictable
humanresponsetobadsituations.Whenpeopletreatyoulikedirt,it’sdifficult
togivethemyourfullattentionandtotaleffort.Forbetterorworse,this
reframingstrategypacksawallop.Practicingthefineartofnotgivingashit
aboutpeoplewhomistreatyou—honingyourabilitytotunethemout—cansave
yoursanity,shieldyourphysicalhealth,andkeepyoufromhurtingthepeople
youlove.
ThediscussionofemotionaldetachmentinTheNoAssholeRulesparked
hundredsofemailsandconversationswithreadersaboutwhenandhowtouse
thismindtrick.I’vealsotrackedresearchonpsychologicaldetachment,
distancing,andrelatedcopingmethodsovertheyears.Iviewdetachmentasa
methodthateverybodyoughttousetocopewithassholes(andotherstressors
too),asapowerfulanestheticthathelpspeopleendureandrecoverfromscorn,
contempt,andotherinsultstotheirsouls.Andovertheyears,I’vedevelopeda
morenuancedviewofdetachment,whichisaroughhierarchyofincreasing
intensity.Theessenceisthatevenpeoplewhodealwithmildassholeproblems
canbenefitfromsomedetachment,andasabusebecomesmoresevereand
pervasive,moreintensedetachmentisjustifiedandnecessary.Here’smy
hierarchy.
Level1: Tuneoutduringdowntime. Thisisthelowestlevelofdetachment
—theassholesatworkmightbedrivingyoucrazy,butwhenyouaren’t
working,ithelpstoturnyourattentionandeffortelsewheresoyoucanrecover
yourequilibrium,enjoylife,andmarshalresourcesfortheroughtimesahead.
We’vealreadyseenthatwhenbesiegedemployeesruminatetoomuchabout
theirhorriblebosses,coworkers,orcustomers,itisasymptomofasevere
assholeproblemandthattheyarecopingwithitbadly.Recallthemarketing
managerinchapter2whoworkedatthe“A$$holeFactory”forsevenyears.He
sufferedsomuch,inpart,becausehewasunabletodetachfromhisjobwhenhe
wasoffwork.Hesaid,“Iwouldcomehomefromworkandlosemytemperwith
mypartnerfornoreason.”
Atleastadozenstudieshaveusedameasureofpsychologicaldetachment
developedbySabineSonnentagandCharlotteFritztoexaminetheimpactof
“switchingoff”ormentallydisengagingfromworkduringoffhours.Mostof
thesestudieshavefoundthatemployeeswerebetteroffwhentheycouldavoid
repetitivethoughts,worries,andruminationsaboutwhathappenedandwill
happenatwork.Theyhadfewerphysicalandmentalhealthproblems,fewer
sleepproblems,lessfatigue,betterjobperformanceandproductivity,andless
conflictbetweenworkandfamilyroles.
Thechallenge,ofcourse,ishowtodetachfromwork.Sincetheadventof
smartphones,manyofusare“alwayson.”Thisisanobstaclethatbosses,
coworkers,friends,relatives,andpartnerscanhelpeachotherovercome.Tryto
resistyourcellphoneaddiction.Putawayyourphoneandturnoffyourwork
emailwheneveryoucan.Andaskyourcolleagues,friends,andloverstonudge
youwhenyouslip.OrtrythetrickthatPadmasreeWarrioruses.Thisveteran
technologyexecutiveiscurrentlyU.S.CEOofNextEV,anelectriccarcompany;
Fortunecalledherthe“QueenoftheElectricCarBiz.”Accordingto
TechRepublic’swebsite,attheendofeveryday,Warriortakestwentyminutes,
“findsaquietspacewherevershemaybe,turnsoffallherelectronics,and
meditates.”
Unlessitisessential,trytoavoidsendingworkemailsatnightoron
weekends.And,ifyoucan’thelpyourself,atleastdowhatmywifeMarina
does;sheistheCEOoftheGirlScoutsofNorthernCalifornia,whichemploys
about150peopleandservessome44,000girlsand31,000adultvolunteers.
Marinadoessometimesworknightsandweekends;shemusttokeepupwith
thisdemandingjob.Butshedoesn’twantherstafftogetthemessagethatthey
shouldworksuchlonghourstoo.Sowhenshewritesemailsonnightsand
weekends,unlessit’surgent,shewaitstosendthemduringregularworkhours.
Nomatterwhereyouwork,ithelpstodeveloplittleritualsthatsaytoyourself
andtoothers,“Iamoff”andtocreateclearseparationbetweenwork(orother
demandingroles)andtherestofyourlife.Alongtheselines,KatyDeCellesdid
anotherstudyofcorrectionalofficers(thistimewithcolleagueChen-BoZhong)
ondealingwithworkthatisviewedasemotionallyandphysically“dirty.”Katy
andChen-Bofoundthatmakingaclear-cutandconsciousemotionalseparation
betweenbeingonandoffdutyhelpedofficerscopewiththeinsults,anger,
humiliation,andphysicalfilththatcamewiththeirjobs.Asanofficerwho
practicedsuchmentalseparationputit,“Iamnotgoingtotakemyjobhome
withme,andIthinkthat’stheonlyreasonwhyIamsosaneafterelevenanda
halfyears.”Officersuseddiverseritualstomarkanovertandcomplete
transitionfromworktootherroles.Onedeliberatelyshuttheprisongatebehind
himasareminderthathewasnolongeracorrectionalofficeruntilhereturned
toworkagain.AnothertoldKatythatheleft“hisworkstressonhis‘timecard’
by‘washinghishandsafterwork,’whichhelpedhimto‘nottakeithome.’”
Level2: Detachortuneoutduringjusttheworstoftimes. Inadditionto
recoveringwhenyouareoffworkandotherdowntimes,thislevelentails
respondingtobadexperiencesandpeoplebygivingaslittleofyourselfasyou
can,justgoingthroughthemotions,thinkingaboutbetterthings,andgenerally
dealingwithbulliesandbackstabbersinemotionallydistantandperfunctory
ways.Butthen,whenyouhaveencounterswithmorecivilizedpeople,you
“switchon”yourcaringandcompassionandgivethemyourfullselfandtalents.
That’showaspecialeducationteacherinChicagodealtwithacolleague’s
constantcritiqueofherskills,appearance,andsqueakyvoice:“Istopped
listeningtohim.Whenhespoke,Iwouldjustthinkaboutthekidsinmyclass
andhowIcouldhelpthem.”It’salsohowaU.S.AirForceAcademycadetwho
wasdeterminedtograduateandflyplanessurvivedfellowcadetswhoberated
andinsultedhim.Hedidn’tseethehumorinhazinglikeBeckytheWestPoint
plebedid.Instead,hesaid,“WhenIencounteredanasshole,Ilookedthrough
himandimaginedhewasn’teventhere.Irepeatedtomyself,‘Iwanttofly.’”
Similarly,astudyofAustraliannursesinkidneydialysisunitsfoundthat
“emotionaldistancing”wastheirmaincopingstrategy—especiallytodealwith
aggressiveandinsultingpatientsandfellownurseswhotreatedthemwith
disdainanddisrespect.Onenursetoldtheresearchers,“Iblock,Ijustthink...
I’mamachine,I’mgoingtodowhatIhavetodo.”
Thereisrelatedevidencethatemployeesprotectthemselvesfrom
dysfunctionalconflictthemselvesby“flattening”theemotionsthattheyfeeland
express.Astudyof459employeesbyAshleyNixonandhercolleaguesfound
thatpeopledealtwithargumentsanddisagreementsatworkby“modifyingtheir
visibleresponsetotheconflict,throughmechanismssuchassuppressing
negativeemotionsorexpressingfakepositiveemotions.”Similarly,numerous
readersreportedthatwhentheyfacedemeaningorrudepeople,theyrespondto
theincomingangerordisrespectwiththemostboring,vague,andperfunctory
responsesthattheycanmuster.Theysaiditwasawaytogiveaslittleof
themselvesaspossibletotheirtormentors.Thesereadersemphasizedthatgiving
nothingback—noanger,nojuicydetails,nosadnessorpain,onlythemost
boringandsuperficialversionofthemselvespossible—providesassholesless
fuelforfurtherhostility,whileatthesametimeisapassive-aggressiveformof
revengebecauseitfrustratesandboresmanymeanies.
Agovernmentemployeewrotemethatshewassubjecttocruelrumorsand
gossipfromseveralcoworkersandblatant“illwill”fromtwobosses.She
developedahostof“non-defensive”responsesthathelpedhersurvive
encounterswiththebosseswhoabusedheranduglyinteractionswith“their
confederates.”Thislonglistofhollowresponsesincluded“Thanks,Iwilltake
thatintoconsideration,”“Iappreciateyourinput,”“Isee,”“Ineverlookedatit
thatway,”and“Idon’thaveanopiniononthat.”Sheexplainedthatsuchbanal
commentshelpedherrevealaslittleofherselfaspossibletopeoplewhowere
determinedtohurther,thosecommentsgavethemnoadditionalammunitionto
useagainsther,andtheyweresodullthattheyhelped“deadend”conversations
with“themassofassholes.”Alas,thisisnothowpeopleinhealthyrelationships
communicatewitheachother—butwhenpeoplekeepinsultingandhumiliating
you,andbad-mouthingandbackstabbingyou,suchvacuouslanguagecancreate
protectiveemotionaldistance.
OneofmyStanfordcolleaguesaddsaninspiredtwisttothislevelof
detachment.Whenhehasameetingwithoneormorepeoplewhoareproneto
bemean,stubborn,orcondescending,hedistanceshimselfbytakinga“clinical”
perspective.Hepretendsthatheislikeadoctorandhisjobistodiagnosethis
intriguing,rare,andextremecaseofassholismandtodevelopthebesttreatment.
Whenoneofhiscolleaguesdoessomethingespeciallyoffensive,ratherthan
gettingangry,hetellshimselfhowluckyheistoseesucha“fascinatingcase”
and,muchlikeaphysicianwhoistreatingaverysickpatient,hesaystohimself
thingslike“Thatpoordevilisinsuchterribleshape,Ifeelsobadforhim.”My
creativecolleaguesaysthat,sometimes,usingthis“clinical”reframinghelps
himdevelopbetterwaystobattleandtocalmthesedifficultcharacters.Buteven
whenitdoesn’thaveanyeffectontheassholes,thedetachmenthelpskeephim
unfetteredbyfrustrationandangerduringroughmeetingsandtobroodabout
themlessaftertheyareover.
Level3: Tuneoutasmuchasyoucan,mostorallofthetime. Thisisthe
highestlevelofdetachment,atleastshortofbecomingemotionallydistantfrom
everyoneandeverythinginyourlife(whichisn’tahealthyresponsetoany
situation).It’sastrategythatoughttobereservedforthosesituationswhereyour
organization,team,school,oranyotherplace“feelslikeaprolongedpersonal
insult,”whereyouareconstantlytreatedlikedirt,wheretheabusecomesfrom
everydirection,orwherethereisarelentlessdownpourofcruelcrapfromon
high.
Itentailsdoingeverythingyoucantogivethemaslittleofyourselfas
possible,tojustgothroughthemotionsandtotuneoutasmanypeopleas
possible,ascompletelyaspossible—eveniftheyarerightinfrontofyou.
Instead,turnyourfullattentiontothosepeoplewhotreatyouwithrespect,to
whatmattersmosttoyou,andtothebetterdaysahead.Yourgoalistogivethe
bareminimumofyourselftoothers,whilestillprotectingyourselffromtheir
wrath.
Mymothertaughtme“thatanythingworthdoingisworthdoingwell.”Well,
shewaswrong.Whenyouaresurroundedwithvilepeople,therearethingsthat
youstillmustdotokeepyourjobortokeepthepeace,butthosejobsaren’t
worthdoingwell.Anengineerexplainedtomethathisboss,andhisboss’sboss,
andseniormanagementtreatedhisteamsobadlythattheyonlygave“MVE”
(minimumviableeffort)—atacticinspiredbybest-sellingauthorEricRies’s
MVPconcept(minimumviableproduct).Hesaid,“Wedecidedthatthose
assholesdon’tdeserveanymorefromus.”
Again,extremedetachmenthasplentyofnegativeconsequences.Asresearch
byGallupshows,employeeswhoarecompletelycheckedout(i.e.,working
zombieswhoarethemostdisengaged)areabsentmoreoften,quitathigher
rates,arelessproudoftheircompanyanditsproducts,andarelessproductive.I
amnotexcusingdisengagedemployeesfortheirlacklusterandsometimes
downrightlameefforts.Butmanyoftheirdysfunctionalbosses,teams,and
organizationsaresimplyreapingwhattheysow—they’vehelpedcreatethe
“workingwounded”whostruggledayafterdaytosurvivesomemightyugly
circumstances.Andwhoarewisetosavetheirenergyforpeoplewhotreatthem
withrespect,andperhapstosearchforabetterjob.
THELIMITSOFREFRAMING
I’vesummarizedthemindtricksinthischapterwiththeaccompanyinglistto
helpyouplay“TheAssholeReframingGame.”Thesearelittlesayingsthatcan
helpboostyourmentalandphysicalhealthwhenyouaredealingwithvile
peopleandbadbehavior—allaregroundedintheevidenceandpracticaltipsthat
Icoveredabove.
THEASSHOLEREFRAMINGGAME
LittleSayingsThatCanReducetheSting
Youaren’talone...
“Alotofotherpeoplearedealingwiththesameuglything.Iamnot
crazyorabadperson.”
“Wehaveeachother.Atleastwearen’talone.”
Youaren’ttoblame...
“Ican’ttakeitpersonally.It’snotmyfaultheactslikesuchajerk.”
“Sheistheonewhooughttofeelterrible.Notme.”
Downplaythethreat...
“Suresheisanasshole,butI’vefacedmuchworse.”
“Theassholesherearewimpscomparedtootherplaces.”
Focusonthesilverlining...
“Thereisaponyunderthatpoop.”
“Weareallgettingsomuchfromhimthatitisworthputtingupwith
hiscrap.”
Riseaboveit...
“Iwon’tstooptotheirlevel.Iambetterthanthat.”
“Whentheygolow,wegohigh.”
Developsympathyforthedevil...
“Heisajerk,buthe’sbeenthroughsuchhardtimesthatIwon’t
holditagainsthim.”
“Iwon’tforgetwhatshedidtome.ButIunderstandwhyshewasso
meanevenifshewaswrong.Iforgiveher.It’sbetterformethat
way.”
Focusonthefunnyside...
“It’sbettertolaughthantocry.Andthesejerksareactuallypretty
funny.”
Lookbackfromthefuture...
“Thistooshallpass.Timehealsallwounds.”
“ItwillallseemlikenobigdealwhenIlookbackatitlater.”
Useemotionaldetachment...
Level1:“Iamjustgoingtodosomethingdifferentandthink
aboutsomethingmorepleasanttonight.”
Level2:“Whenthatjerkactsup,Ituneheroutandimagineshe
isn’teventhere”or“IpretendIamadoctorandamdiagnosing
afascinatingcaseofassholism,sothemoreextremeand
bizarre,themoreintriguingitis.”
Level3:“Idon’tcareabouttheseterriblepeople.Iamgoingto
givethemaslittleofmyselfaspossible,gothroughthemotions
everyday,andnotletthemtouchmysoul.”
Yetrelyingononlysuchmindtricksisadangeroussurvivalstrategy.Itcan
fueltheAssholeBlindnessthatwasdiscussedinchapter3;reframingalone
doesn’tchangewhathappenstoyouorothertargets,orthebulliesaroundyou;it
canchangeonlyhowyouthinkaboutyourcircumstances.
Reframingisadouble-edgedsword.Severaloftheselittlesayingsare
reminiscentofthe“TenLies”thatIlistedinchapter3thatfuelAsshole
Blindness.Itcanblindyoutothosesituationswhenescapingfromandreducing
yourexposuretodestructivepeoplearefarbettermoves.Anditmaypreventyou
frombattlingbulliesandbackstabbersthatyoureallycanchangeforthebetter,
defeat,ordriveout.Inshort,reframingaloneisanespeciallysuspectstrategy
whenyouareconfrontedwiththemostabusiveanddamagingkindsofassholes.
Yes,relyingonreframingandlittleelseissometimesnecessaryforvictims
trappedinterriblesituations,butonlyasalastresort.
Ifreframingwereaprescriptiondrugratherthanasetofcopingstrategies,I
wouldincludeawarninglabelthatreadssomethinglike“Usewithextreme
cautionincasesofprolonged,extreme,orunlawfulabuseincludingbutnot
limitedtosexualharassment,overtorintentionalracism,impliedorexpressed
threatsofphysicalharm,sexualassault,andotherviolentorphysicallyharmful
acts.Sideeffectsmayincludedangerousdenialofandnoactualreductionin
objectiveabuse.”
Now,it’stimetotalkaboutfightingback.
6
FightingBack
MAKENOMISTAKE.Doingbattlewithassholesisriskybusiness.Oncetheynotice
youreffortstostifletheirrudenessorcontempt,theycangetmightyriledupand
vindictive—andtakeitoutonyou.That’swhythestrategieshereforreforming,
repelling,defeating,andexpellingthemrequireevengreaterthoughtand
vigilancethanthoseinpriorchapters,whichfocusonescapingoravoidingjerks,
orreframinghowyouthinkaboutthem,notonchallenginganddiminishing
theirinfluence,prestige,andabuse.
Whenanassholeproblemturnsugly,youmayfeelagitatedandhavea
burningurgetotakedownthatjerkRIGHTNOW.Yetit’susuallysmartto
squelchyourdesireforimmediategratification,chillout,andprepareabattle
plan.Yourinstantjudgmentsarelikelytobeflawed.Whentheshithitsthefan
—eveniftimeisshort—findingevenafewmomentstoquestionyourfirst
impulseandtoconsiderotheroptionscanavertstupidmistakes.Aswesawin
chapter2,NobelPrizewinnerDanielKahnemanwarnsthatwhenyoufacea
vexingandconsequentialdecision,it’swisetoslowdown,studyyour
predicament,weighalternatives,andseekadvicefrompeoplethatyoutrust
beforespringingintoaction.
Inparticular,thinkaboutthreeresources—howmuchyouhaveandhowtoget
more.Thefirstishowmuchpoweryouhavecomparedtotheassholes.Theless
poweryouhave,theeasieritisforjerkstogetawaywithhurtingyou,thefewer
optionsyouhave,andmoreriskyouface.Thelessmaneuveringroomyouhave,
themoreessentialitistotakeKahneman’sadviceaboutslowingdownand
squelchingyourfirstimpulse.Consideranemployeewhowrotethathewas
abouttolosehisjob—andaskedforadvice.Afewdaysearlier,hehadtolda
manager“togoFhimself”afterthemanagerhadmadeaderogatoryremark
abouthisprofession.Tomakemattersworse,hesaid,themanager“happenedto
bewithhisbossandIblastedhimaswellforallowingthistypeofconducttogo
on.”
Therewasn’tmuchIcouldsaytohelpthathothead.Itwastoolate;hehad
insultedtwopowerfulpeople.Ididurgehimtoapologize—hewasrefusing
becauseitwas“theassholewhoinstigatedtheargument,”nothim,whichfurther
fueledtheangerandadministrativeactionthathissuperiorsdirectedagainsthim.
Butnomatterhowdemeaningthatmanagerwas,itwouldhavebeenwiserfor
thatemployeetoholdhistemper,topushbackinameasuredway,andtorecruit
alliestobolsterhispower.
Overconfidenceisabigroadblocktosoundjudgmentsaboutpower.Inan
interviewintheGuardianinJulyof2015,Kahnemansaidthatoverconfidenceis
thehumanbias“hewouldmostliketoeliminateifhehadamagicwand”
becauseitfuelssomanyterribledecisions.Feelingsmugaboutyourcapacityto
defeatortobanishjerkscanbeperilous.ThenewHRheadofaFortune100
companyoncebraggedtomethatshewasgoingtofirethefirm’smostabusive
seniorexecutives.WhenIaskedherifitwasprudenttomovesoquicklyinher
earlymonthsonthejob,sheassuredmethattheCEOwasinhercornerandshe
hadamandatetosackthem.Shewaswrong.TheassholeswenttotheCEOand
persuadedhimtheywerelessexpendablethantheHRhead—shewascanneda
fewweekslater.
Thesecondresourceisdocumentation.Themoreironcladyourevidence,the
easieritistoaverta“hesaid,shesaid”situationwhereit’sjustyourwordversus
theasshole’s.Atthefirsthintoftrouble,saveyouremailsandsocialmedia
exchanges,andkeepcarefulnotes—eventakepicturesandvideosifyoucan.
Encouragefellowtargetsandotheralliestodothesame.Andbecarefulto
followlocallaws,astheyvarywidely.Forexample,asIwritethis,California,
Florida,andtenorsootherU.S.statesseemtorequire“all-partyconsent”;it’s
unlawfultorecordwhatpeoplesayoverthephoneorinotherconversations
withouttheirpermission.Butitappearstobeokaytorecordwithoutothers’
permissioninsomefortyU.S.statesincludingNewYork,Colorado,and
Virginia.
Thisadviceaboutdocumentationisobvious,butmanypeoplestilldon’ttake
it.I’veheardfromdozensoftargetswhobegandocumentingtoolate(ornever
did),whichmadeittoughertodefendagainstandtobringdowntheir
tormentors.Soundandconvincingevidencegivesyouleverageandlegitimacy
whenyougotothebigbossorhumanresourcestocomplain.Andiftheygive
youthebrush-off,itgivesyouammunitionifyouseekhelpfromyourunion,
takelegalaction,orturntothemedia.InJuly2016,FoxNewsanchorGretchen
CarlsonfiledalawsuitaccusingnetworkfounderandchairmanRogerAiles—
amongthemostpowerfulmediaexecutivesintheworld—offorcingherout
aftersherefusedhissexualadvancesandcomplainedaboutsexismbyotherFox
colleagues.ThesuitprovokedvehementdenialsfromAiles,anexpressionof
“fullconfidence”inhimfromFoxmanagement,andtestimonialsaboutAiles’s
sterlingcharacterfromFoxstarsincludingBritHume,SeanHannity,andGreta
VanSusteren.
Yet,withintwomonths,Aileswasoutofajob,Foxagreedtoa20-million-
dollarsettlementwithCarlson,andthecompanymadeapublicapology:
“Gretchenwasnottreatedwiththerespectanddignitythatsheandallofour
colleaguesdeserve.”ThelawyersthatFoxhiredfromtheprominentfirmPaul,
Weiss,Rifkind,Wharton&Garrisonunearthedextensiveevidenceof
harassmentbyAiles;approximatelytwentywomencameforwardtoreporthis
badbehavior.AccordingtoaNewYorkTimesstoryinSeptemberof2016,the
mostdamningevidencecamefromsecretrecordingsthatCarlsonmadeonher
phoneduringmeetingswithAilesoveraneighteen-monthstretch.Thesevile
gemsincludedAiles’ssuggestiontoCarlson,“IthinkyouandIshouldhavehad
asexualrelationshipalongtimeago,andthenyou’dbegoodandbetterandI’d
begoodandbetter.”
Thatsaid,thereisadownsidetobecomingfixatedoncatalogingeveryslight
andinsultandpressingotherstodocumentabuseandtosharetheirevidence
withyou.Inacademicspeak,it’s“nonclinicalparanoia,”whichis“aformof
heightenedandexaggerateddistrust”including“perceptionsofbeingthreatened,
harmed,persecuted,mistreated,disparaged,andsoon,bymalevolentothers.”
ResearchersMeowLanEvelynChanandDanielMcAllistercontendthatwhen
employeesdistrustotherstoomuchandarefloodedwithfearandanxiety,they
becomeexcessivelyvigilant,focusonjustthebadandtuneoutthegood,andsee
evilmotivesinthemostinnocentactions.Ifyoubecomeobsessedwith
gatheringeverycrumbofevidenceaboutbullying,youriskmanufacturinga
monsterinyourmind—construingactionsbyallegedbulliesasbeingmore
sinisterthanwarrantedandblindingyourselftoanygoodthattheydo.
Yettheexpression“justbecauseyou’reparanoiddoesn’tmeanthatthey
aren’touttogetyou”issometimestrue.MyStanfordcolleagueRodKramer
pointstoauthorErnestHemingway,whowasconvincedthattheFBIwas
followinghimforyears,hisphonewastapped,andagentsinterceptedhismail.
Hemingwaycomplainedabout,andsometimesconfronted,menindarksuitsthat
heencounteredinbarsandrestaurantsthathesuspectedwerespyingonhim.
Friendsandfamilystruggledtoreassurehimtheywerejustregularpeopleand
theFBIwasn’touttogethim.PsychiatristswhotreatedHemingwaysawthis
obsessionasindicativeof“clinicalparanoia.”ButHemingwaywasright.In
1942,BureauchiefJ.EdgarHooverlaunchedan“intenseprogramof
surveillance”ofthefamedauthor,whichpersisteduntilhissuicidein1961.
WhenHemingwaywashospitalizedin1960(andgivenelectricshocktreatments
fordepression),hecomplainedtodoctorsthattheclickingnoisesonhisphone
meanttheFBIwaslistening—whichthedoctorssawasfurtherevidenceofhis
paranoia.Perhapsitwas,butHemingway’sextensiveFBIfile(releasedunder
theU.S.FreedomofInformationAct)revealsthattheFBIdidtapthatphone.
Thethirdresourcepopsupthroughoutthisbook,thatofunityorsolidarity.
Sometimesyoumustfightalone,butyouhaveabetterchanceofwinningwhen
othersjoinyou.Whenyouhaveallies,youhavemorepower,youcanencourage
eachothertokeepfightingduringtoughtimes,andit’seasiertoconvince
skepticsyouaren’taloneorsingularnut(whichwaspartofHemingway’s
problem).
AstudybyProfessorPamelaLutgen-Sandvikfoundthatwhenbullied
employeesbandedtogethertofightback,authoritiespunished58%ofthe
abusersandnoneofthebulliedemployeeswerefired.Butwhenemployees
battledalone,only27%ofthebullieswerepunishedand20%ofthebullied
employeeswerefired.Forexample,Lutgen-Sandvikreportedhow,afterafew
teacherstoldaschoolboardmemberaboutanabusiveadministrator,the
floodgatesopened,andmanyvictimscameforward.Ateacherexplained:
It’slikewhenthelittleboyswhoaresexuallyabusedbythepriests...
whenoneofthemspeaksout,alltheotherscomeoutofthewoodwork?
Well,itwaslikethat.OncewetalkedtoBob[onschoolboard],alotof
otherteachersgotupthecouragetojoininandsay,“Heyit’snot
okay.”YouknowwhatImean?Theyweren’tsoscaredanymore.
Peoplewhowerebulliedbyyourtormentorinthepastbuthaveescapedthe
abusecanbeespeciallyvaluablesupporters.Anethicsprofessorwrotemethat
whengraduatestudentsandpostdoctoralfellowsaskhimaboutdealingwith
nastyandunethicalbossesathisuniversity,hesuggeststheycontact“anyone
elsewhoknowstheasshole”becausethey“areyournaturalallies.”The
professordescribedapostdoctoralstudentwhocontactedoneofhisterrible
boss’sformerunderlings—thisfellowvictimofferedemotionalsupport,joined
himinregisteringcomplaintswithadministratorsabouttheboss(whoalsotook
stepstoprotectthepostdoc),andhelpedthestudentmovetoabetterpositionin
anotherlab.
Nowlet’sturntostrategiesforbattlingassholes;I’lltalkabouthowandwhen
tousethem,whytheywork(andsometimesdon’t),andharkenbacktothose
threekeyresourcesalongtheway.
Calm,rational,andcandidconfrontation. Thisisacivilizedwaytofight.
Youpulltheoffendersasideandcalmly,evengently,explaintheyarehurting
youorothers—andaskthemtoknockitoff.Aschapter7willshow,wehumans
arecursedwithadimawarenessofhowouractionsareexperiencedbyand
impactothers.Controlled,candid,andnegativefeedbackcanrattleandreform
jerkswhoareafflictedwithbigblindspots.Thisapproachworkswellwith
temporaryorcluelessassholes,whenyouhaveatrustedrelationshipwiththem,
orifyouwieldpoweroverthem.Anditworksbestwithpeoplewhopride
themselvesonbeingcivil—andcringeatthethoughtofotherscallingthem
assholesbehindtheirbacks.Thewell-meaningbutcluelessCEOofone
companythatIknowwashorrifiedwhentwofemaleexecutivevicepresidents
pulledhimasideandgentlyadmonishedhimafterameeting.Thewomen—who
keptcarefultallies—informedtheCEOhehadinterruptedeachofthematleast
sixtimesbutneverinterruptedthefourmaleexecutivevicepresidents.Stunned
andembarrassed,theCEObeggedforforgiveness,askedthemtokeeptracking
hisinterruptions,andvowedtohalthissexistways.Hedidn’twanttofeelthat
self-loathingagain.
Stayingcalmandcivilcanbeeffectivewithlessadmirableculpritstoo.But
youmightneedtoturnuptheheatabittogettheirattention.Amanagerata
largepublicutilitywrotemethathisworkplacewasfilledwithassholesdespite
strongtalkfromexecutivesaboutadheringtothecompany’s“corevalues,”
whichwereplasteredonthewallsandwebsite.Themanageroftenobserved
gapsbetweensuchsoaringrhetoricandthevariousindignitiesheapedon
employees—soheinvokedthevalueswhenevercolleaguesviolatedthem.
Hedescribedacompensationreviewmeetingwithfellowmanagersoneyear
whenbudgetsweretight,wheretheydiscussedhowmuchtopaypeople.Oneof
hisnastiercolleaguessaid,“Theyshouldjustbegratefultohaveajob.”The
managerwaspolitebutpushedback:“Nice,canyoutellmewhichcorevalue
thatrepresents—isitintegrity,respect,maybeteamwork?No,seriously...I
wouldliketoknowhowthatfitsintotheoveralldirectionofthecompanyand
howwearegoingtocommunicatethistoouremployeesandratepayers.”He
wentontoexplain,“Ifindthatifyoutaketheopportunitytothrowoutasubtle
reminderofthecorevalueswearerequiredtoadhereto,thea**holequickly
backsup,swallowsthewords,andrethinksthetactic.”
Finally,considertheletterthatBritishprimeministerWinstonChurchill
receivedfromhiswifeClementineonJune27,1940—whennewsaboutWorld
WarIIwasgettingworseandworsefortheUnitedKingdomandChurchillwas
takingouthisangstonhisstaff.Clementinewrote:“Oneofthemeninyour
entourage(adevotedfriend)hasbeentome&toldmethatthereisadangerof
yourbeinggenerallydislikedbyyourcolleaguesandsubordinatesbecauseof
yourroughsarcastic&overbearingmanner.”Afterspellingoutsomeugly
details,Clementineadded,“Iwasastonished&upsetbecauseinalltheseyearsI
havebeenaccustomedtoallthosewhohaveworkedwith&underyou,loving
you.”Andthen,“MyDarlingWinston—ImustconfessthatIhavenoticeda
deteriorationinyourmanner;&youarenotsokindasyouusedtobe.”She
advised,“Withthisterrificpoweryoumustcombineurbanity,kindnessandif
possibleOlympiccalm.”Clementineended,“Besidesyouwon’tgetthebest
resultsbyirascibility&rudeness.Theywillbreedeitherdislikeoraslave
mentality.”
Thesethreeexamplesarevariedbutsharetwoelementsofeffective
confrontations—whichmayevenholdwhentheencounterturnsloudandangry
ratherthancalm.Researchon“moralanger”and“righteousanger”suggeststhat
confrontationismostlikelytoreformoffenders,beseenassociallyacceptable,
andmobilizesupportwhen:
1. Itisjustified—thereisgoodevidencethatthepersonisdoingsomething
bad.
2. Themotivationfortheconfrontationisseenasconstructiveandaimedat
improvingthegreatergood;notjustaselfish,vindictive,orirrationalurge
toinflictharmonanenemyornemesis.
ThatmarvelousletterfromClementinetoWinstonChurchillillustratesboth
principles.First,sheknewthatWinston’s“irascibility&rudeness”wasgetting
worsefromherexperiencewithhimandinformationfromher“devotedfriend”
includingthat“ifanideaissuggested(sayataconference)youaresupposedto
besocontemptuousthatpresentlynoideas,goodorbad,willbeforthcoming.”
Second,hermotivationwastohelpthestaff,England,anditsallies.
Clementine’sletterwaswrittenlargelyonbehalfofotherswholackedthepower
thatshewieldedoverWinston.Andherpostscriptconveysthathercriticism
wasn’tarashdecision:“IwrotethisatChequerslastSunday,toreitup,buthere
itisnow.”
Aggressiveconfrontation. It’susuallyabadideatocallsomeonean
“asshole”—especiallyinangerandinthepresenceofothers.Nomatterhow
accuratethelabelmightbe,itwillprobablybetakenasanassholemoveonyour
part.Forexample,aformerhomeimprovementstoreemployeewrotemethat
shewasfiredaftercallingacoworkeran“asshole.”Sheaskedmetourgeher
bossestoreversethedecisionbecause,afterall,shewasjustenforcingtheno
assholerule.Ideclined.Applying,andespeciallysaying,thewordtopeoplewho
offendyouisnotonlyusuallyrude;it’slikethrowinggasolineonafire—itcan
igniteevenmoreorneryandobnoxiousbehavior.MennonitepastorArthurPaul
BoersofferssimilaradviceinhisbookNeverCallThemJerks.Boerssuggests
thatwhenparishionersarehostileandselfish,labelingthemasjerksisinsulting
anddetractsfromaconstructivefocusonrepairingrelationshipsandchanging
behavior.
Yetthereisevidencethatwhendealingwithcertainkindsofselfishjerks,
returningtheirfirecanwork(althoughIsuggestusingsomethingmorecivilthan
“youasshole”).Youneedtoconvincesomepeoplethatyouaren’tadoormatand
won’tletthempushyouaround,ortheymayturnevenmorenastyandselfish.
Theytakeyourkindnessasasymptomofweakness.A2015studybyHungarian
researchersfoundthatpeoplewithMachiavellianpersonalities—selfish
individualswho“considerotherpeopleasmeretoolstobeleveragedinthe
pursuitoftheiraims”—havebrainsthatgointo“overdrive”whentheywork
with“fairandcooperative”people.Thesemalicioustakersimmediatelystart
connivingtoexploitpeoplefortheirownpurposes—butbackoffwhenthey
encounteruncooperativeandselfishpeoplelikethemselves.
Relatedresearchsuggeststhatpushingbackhard—glaring,raisingyourvoice,
makingthreats,eventhrowingatantrum—isusefulforfendingoffcharacters
whobelievetheycangetaheadbystompingonothers’feelingsandreputations.
MyStanfordcolleagueRodKramercallsthis“porcupinepower.”Amanager
wrotemeabouthowreturningfiredeterred“amajorasshole”thatsheworked
with(aretiredarmymajorwhowasinfamousforhisinsultsanddisrespect).She
triedtobenicetohimatfirst.Buthebelittledhermoreandstartedpoachingher
peopleandherbudgetforhisprojects.Themanagerrealizedthathetookher
warmthandcooperationassignsofweakness.Shethenwenttohisoffice,gave
him“ahardstare”andinformedhimthatsuchbehaviorwas“absolutely
unacceptable”andshesimplywouldn’ttolerateit.Theretiredmajorbackedoff.
Porcupinepowerwastheonlylanguageheunderstood.
Whenyouaredealingwithapushyjerkwhoisunderminingthegreatergood,
eveniftheywieldpoweroveryou,aflashofrighteousangercansometimesget
themtobackdown.Theleadengineerforasoftwarecompany’s“premier
product”wrotemethat,at6:30oneevening,histeamwaswrappingthe“final
build”beforeanupdatewasreleased.TheCEO’s“right-handman”rushedin
andwas“ACTUALLYFLAPPINGHISARMS.”The“right-handman”toldthe
teamthatthecompanycouldn’treleasethesoftwareuntiltheyreviewedsome
newdocumentation.Theleadengineertoldhimitwouldtaketheteamabout20
minutestodoso.Thisprovoked“aself-importantrantabouthowitcouldn’ttake
20minutesbecausehewastheCEO’sright-handman”andmustbedonefaster.
Astheleadengineertellsit:
Mywholeteamwasclusteredinthehallbehindtheranterlookingover
hisshoulderatme,tryingtoseewhatIwasgoingtodo.Theranter
continued,sayinghowimportantitwastogetitdonefastandsooner
andhowurgentitwasnottostopthesoftwarereleasebecausehe’d
alreadytoldtheCEOthatallthereleasestepsweredone.Whenhe
finishedranting,Icontinuedtolookhimstraightintheeyeandsaid,
“Twenty-fiveminutes,”andshutthedoorinhisface.
Whentheleadengineerslammedthatdoor,heexpressedrighteousangerfor
thegreatergoodofhisteamandthecompany(althoughheclearlytookpleasure
inbringingdownthe“right-handman”anotch).Andhisteamlovedhimforit.
Thereareothertimeswhensubtle“passive-aggressive”confrontationisbest
forconveyingthethought,“YouareactinglikeajerkandIwantyoutostop.”
Afterall,insomeorganizationalandnationalcultures,directconfrontationis
frownedupon.Andwhenyouhavebriefencounterswithrudepeople—beita
customer,someoneyoudon’tknowatyourplaceofworship,orsomeoneata
restaurant,theater,orasportingevent—askingthemtokeepitdown,saying
“shush,”andglaringcanfailorbackfirebecauseyouhavenopriorrelationship
withthem.Areadersentmeagreatstoryaboutabunchofpeoplebehindhim,
talkingthroughthemovie,“makingfunofthings,generallybeingdistracting”
whenheandafriendwenttoseeLiveFreeorDieHard.Hetried“theusual
thing”ofturningaroundandglaringatthem,butitdidn’twork.Finally,“During
onelonger,quietstretch,Iturnedtomyfriendnexttomeandsaid,prettyloudly,
‘So,whatdoYOUwanttotalkabout?’andhesaid,alsoloudly,‘Idon’tknow,
whydon’twewaituntillater?’”Hereported,“Itworked—thepeoplebehindus
remainedsilentthroughtherestofthepicture.”Thismethoddeliveredthe
messagetothosecluelessassholestopipedownandit“waskindoffunny,and
didn’tleadtoanyescalation.”
Asnotedinchapter5,insultsandput-downswrappedinhumormayhitharder
—andbemoresociallyacceptable—thanthosedeliveredinseriousways.
Targetsalsocanusehumortobattlebadbehavior—ashappenedinthatmovie
theaterwiththatpassive-aggressivemove.Whenyouarepepperedwithcruel
humor,firingbackwithcuttingandfunnywordscanfoilattackers,especiallyif
thebulliestakeyouforadoormatwhotheycanteaseandbelittleatwill.
Ahighschoolteacherwrotemethatacolleaguefinallytoneddownhis
tauntingaftershelearnedto“throwitbackathiminwaysthatmadeeveryone
laugh.”Shedevelopeda“stockpileofcomebacks”that,shesaid,“seemedlike
jokes,butIwasn’tjoking”including,“Youaresocutewhenyouarepolite”and
“Areyoualwaysthisnice,ordoyousinglemeoutbecauseIamsospecial?”Of
course,cuttingandsarcastichumorisrisky.Justlikeanymovethatentails
throwingshitatothers,itcanigniteaviciouscircle.Andifyouhavelesspower,
yoursnappycomebackscanmotivatejerkstoexactrevenge.Yet,insome
places,whatmayseemlikeroughjoking,teasing,andput-downstooutsidersis
acceptedandexpected.Whenaggressivehumor,or“trashtalk,”isthenorm,
peoplewhowieldpowerdon’tjustdishitout;theyexpectitandenjoyitwhen
othersthrowitback.Andwhentopdogsgotoofar,whentheyleaveothers
feelingdemeaned,peopleknowthatajokeoraprankisthebestwaytodeliver
themessagetobackoff.
AtoughformerSiliconValleyCEOtoldmeastoryabouthowhisteammade
himthebuttofajoke—andhowitreducedtensionontheteam,broughtthem
closertogether,andconveyedthatheshouldturndownhishostility.Forsome
reason,manyoftheinsultsheaimedatseniorexecutivesentailedunfavorable
comparisonstovegetables,suchas“youaredumberthanaheadoflettuce”or
“theaveragezucchinicouldfigurethisout.”
Histeamcookedupsomepayback.Oneday,whentheCEOwalkedintothe
conferenceroomforameeting,insteadofseeingpeopleattheirusualplaces,
eachteammemberwasreplacedwithaheadoflettuceonthetablenexttohisor
herchair.TherewasevenaheadoflettucenexttotheCEO’schairattheheadof
thetable.TheCEOsentmeapicture—eachoftheelevenlettuceheadsonthe
tablehaseyesandasmiledrawnonit;mosthavehatsandsomehave
sunglasses.Headded,“TheymadealettuceheadT-shirttoo,whichmanyofus
woreonaregularbasis.”TheCEOadmittedthereweretimeswhenhewastoo
hardonhisteam,butheemphasizedhiscompanyhadchangedandgrownso
fastthatsurvivalrequiredmentaltoughness.Injustafewyears,histeamledthe
companyfromastrugglingstart-uptooneofthefastest-growingcompaniesin
SiliconValley,andonthroughasuccessfulpublicoffering.Peoplewhowere
readyforthiswildridenotonlycouldtoleratehissometimesrudehumor,but
theyhadtheconfidencetothrowitback—andthegive-and-takebroughtthem
allclosertogether.Headmitted,however,thatafterthelettuceincident,hedid
pauseabitbeforeusingvegetablehumororsayingotherthingsthatcouldbruise
people’sfeelings.
Lovebombingandass-kissing. Butteringuppeoplewhotreatyoulikedirt
mayseemlikeanoddbattleplan.Butflattery,smiles,andothersignsof
appreciation(evenifnotentirelysincere)canbeusefulforconvincingvolatile
andvindictivepeopletotampdowntheirinnerangstandanger—sotheywon’t
takeitoutonyou.Asoftwareengineerwrotemethatshestudiesthelocaljerks
tolearnhowto“makethemhappierinsmallways”and“playtotheir
weaknesses.”Shedescribedaqualityassurancepersononherteamwhowas
“notoriousforhershorttemperunderstress.”Asthereleasedateforaproduct
approached,andthestressamplified,shelaunchedwitheringattackson
colleagues(withouteverswearing)thatmadeclear“youhadalevelofbrain
powerandindustryunderstandingslightlybelowthatofanamoeba.”The
engineerthennoticedsomethinguseful:
Ilearned—byobservation—thatshelovedchocolate,especiallydark
chocolate,andthatshetendedtocomforteatunderstress,andithelped.
Andso,asthetensionratchetedupeachreleasecycle,I’dbringina
couplepoundsofHershey’s(orseasonallyappropriatecandyifitwas
nearaholiday),makingsuretherewassomedarkchocolateamongit,
andputitinthelabforalltheQAfolks...itreallycouldbluntthe
worstofhertemper.
Such“chocolatebombing”isasubtleandindirectversionofthisstrategy.
Sometimesmoreintenselovebombing(andass-kissingtoo)iscalledfor,and
canbemightyeffectivewhenpairedwithmoreaggressivestrategies.It’shandy
forkeepinganinsensitiveornarcissisticjerkatbaywhileyouprepareasneak
attack.Narcissistscraveconstantpraiseandflattery;theydesperatelyneedto
believetheyarebeloved.Althoughnarcissistsareoftenabusiveandinsulting,
theyarethin-skinnedanddon’ttoleratepeoplewhoareevenmildlyunpleasant
tothemorwhoquestiontheirjudgment.
MichaelMaccoby,whohasstudiedandcoachednarcissisticleadersfor
decades,observesthatthey“oftensaythattheywantteamwork,whatthatmeans
inpracticeisthattheywantagroupofyes-men.”Myadvicemaysound
unsavory,evenhypocritical.Butifyouwantprotectionfrompowerfuland
pricklynarcissists,thereisanargumentforkissingupinordertoprovidecover
andtokeepthemcalmwhileyouworkbackstagetobringthemdown.
Acommunitycollegeadministratortoldmealongstoryabouthowhisformer
chancellordemandedcompleteloyaltyandifhisstaffdidn’t“strokehisego
constantly,”hewaspronetoflyintoarage.Thisadministratorandseveral
colleaguesspentayearassemblinganironcladcaseagainsttheirboss—they
meticulouslydocumentedhisterriblejudgment,hisinsatiableneedforpraise,his
penchantforbelittlingothers,andhistempertantrums.Theyturnedintheir
evidencetothetrustees,whoeventuallyfiredhim.Theadministratorexplained
thatheandhisfellow“turncoats”gavethechancellorhisdailydoseoffawning
andfalseflatterybecauseithelpedstemhisnarcissisticrageswhiletheyhatched
theirplot.
Otherstudiessuggestthatsomepeoplearegrumpy,insulting,oroverbearing
primarilybecausetheyareinsecureabouttheirabilitiesandprestige.Thisisa
hallmarkofpettytyrants,whichIdiscussedinchapter2—thosemastersofsmall
domainswholordtheirpoweroverothersinnarrow-minded,demeaning,and
sometimessillyways.Unlikenarcissists,mostpettytyrantsdon’tcraveor
expectadmirationorflattery,buttheydotakesolaceinimposingtheirwillon
othersandmakingthemmiserable.Anengineerwrotemehe’sfoundthatmany
“assholesaresimplyafraidof(orfor)something.Theyaretypicallythelesser
lordsofthecastle,hidingbehindoruponitswallsandmoat,lookingdownonall
thedangerouscreaturesroamingtheair-conditionedcountrysidesurrounding
theirlittleofficedomain.Theasshole’sdefaultactionistopourburningoil
downuponanywhodareapproachthegate.”Theengineersaidhissolutionisto
orienthimself“asacomradeinsideofthewalls,thereforebypassingthe
confrontation.”Heavoidstheasshole’swrathbyexpressingempathyand
findingcommonground—sharedinterestssuchashobbies,sports,orpolitics(“It
cannotincludedeviantactionlikekickingpuppiesorspyingoncoworkers”).He
saidthisapproachworksabout“sevenoutoftentimes,”andbyholdinghis
tongueandexpressingempathyratherthananger,henotonlyavoidsthejerk’s
wrath;helowershisown“assholepotential”aswell.
“Lovebombing”isarelatedandmoreextremestrategyfordealingwith
insecureassholes—yougobeyondexpressingempathyandholdingyourtongue,
andrespondtotheirnastinesswithwarmthandkindness.Youraimisto
transformyouroppressorintoafriendandadmirer.Igotthisideafrommy
daughterClaire,whoworkedwithagrumpytyrantwhenshewasahostessina
tequilabarandrestaurantinBoston.Thecookglaredandgrowledatherandthe
serversnightafternight.Clairedecidedto“killhimwithkindness.”Nomatter
howunpleasantthecookwas,shesmiledathim,offeredcomplimentsabouthis
greatfoodandhowhardheworked,andrespondedtohisbarbswithwarmthand
understanding.This“lovebombing”eventually“worehimdown”andwithina
fewmonths,shesaid,“Hewasverynicetomeandevengavemefreefood.”
Claireadded,“Hewasjustaguywhoneededafriend.”
Revengeissweet,butcanbeuselessanddangerous. Fightinganddefeating
assholescansatisfytheall-too-humandesireforrevenge.AsEricJaffe’sessay
on“TheComplicatedPsychologyofRevenge”putit:“Athirstforvengeanceis
nothingifnottimeless.ItisasclassicasHomerandHamlet,andas
contemporaryasDonCorleoneandQuentinTarantino;asoldastheeyesand
teethtradedintheBible.”Thedesirefor“payback”andassociatedrighteous
angercanbondpeopletogetherwhoarebentonbringingdownacommon
enemy—aswiththosecollegeadministratorswhoambushedtheirchancellor.
Skilledconfrontationcanbesimilarlysatisfying—likethatleadengineerwho
slammedthedooronthe“ranter,”boughthisteamtwenty-fivemoreminutes,
andtookdown“theCEO’sright-handman”anotch.OrreadersofTheNo
AssholeRulemayrecalltheradiostationproducerwhogotbackatademeaning
bosswhokeptstealingherfood.ShemadesomechocolatesoutofEx-Lax,the
laxative,andleftthemonherdesk.Then,“Sureenough,herbosscamebyand
devouredthemwithoutaskingpermission.Whenshetoldhimwhatwasinthem,
‘hewasnothappy.’”Buthestoppedstealingherfood.
TheseexamplesdovetailwithfindingsfromastudybyColumbiaUniversity’s
HarveyHornstein.Hisconclusionafterinterviewingonehundredemployees
aboutdealingwithabusivebosseswas,“Successfulpaybackiswell-targeted
(aimedattheabuser),well-timed(occurringattimesthatestablisheda
connectionbetweentheabuseandthepayback),andwell-tempered(motivated
andcraftedtoendtheabuseratherthanmerelyinflictcost).”Hornsteinlabels
vengefulactsasfailureswhentheydon’tchangetheperpetrator’sbehavior—but
suchpaybackmaystillhelptargetsbybolsteringfeelingsthattheyaren’t
helplessdoormats.
Consideroneofmyfavoriterevengestories.It’sfromtheWallStreet
Journal’sJasonZweig.Hewasstandinginthecheck-inlineatNewYork’s
KennedyAirport.Thepassengerinfrontofhimwentonandonberatingand
insultinganairlineemployee.Jasonwasstruckbytheemployee’sabilityto
remaincoolandprofessionalinthefaceoftheonslaught.Jasonwroteme,“Itis
herwordsthathavestuckforeverinmymemory:‘Oh,he’sgoingto[L.A.],but
hisluggageisgoingtoNairobi’—andthefaintbutunmistakablefirmnessinher
smilethatmademerealize,halfwithachillandhalfwithathrill,thatshewasn’t
kidding.”Sneakyrevengemoveslikethesedon’tchangebehaviorbutmay
enabletargetstotakeabitofcontrol,getsomethingfromtheirtormentor,and
garnerrespectandkudosfromwitnesses.
Yetrevengeistreacherous.Hornsteinfoundthat68%ofthepaybackefforts
thathestudiedfailedtostopabusivebosses.Aswesawinchapter5,researchon
schoolyardandworkplacebullyingshowsthatpeoplewhoruminateabout
gettingeven,ratherthanlettingitgo,suffernegativeeffectsincludinganxiety,
depression,andsleepproblems.Revengefantasiesmightbefuntotalkabout,
butIworrywhenpeoplewhoescapeanassholearestillobsessedwithpayback
monthsandyearslater.Aformerassemblyworkerwrotemethatshecouldn’t
stopthinkingaboutanawfulbosswhoconstantlyspiedonher,criticizedher,
andwroteherupfortrivialviolations.Shesentmemultiplelongemailsfilled
withpranksthatshefantasizedaboutpullingonhim—suchaschangingallthe
locksinhishouse,gluinghiswindowsshut,unplugginghisrefrigerator,and
jammingtheelectricmeter,andafterfourtofivemonths,callingthefraudunit
attheelectriccompany.Thatbossholewasstillinherheadanddrivingher
crazy,eventhoughshehadpartedcompanywithhimyearsbefore.
AsmuchasIloveJason’sairportstory,Hornsteinfoundthatwhensecret
revengeinflictsharmonclients,colleagues,ororganizations,itmightmakeyou
feelgoodforawhile.Butintheend,itdoesn’tchangethebadbehavior.
HornsteindescribesapaybackcampaignbyJulie(aninsurancecompany
employee)afteranewbosshadcriticizedJulie’sworkatameetingwithseveral
colleaguesandthensheadded,“There’sjustnoexplanationexceptlazinessor
lackofability.”Juliewashumiliatedandmad,andexactedrevengeby
repeatedlyalteringanddeletingfilesonherboss’scomputer.Thissabotage
slowedJulie’sboss’swork,frustratedher,andmadeherlookbad.AsJulie
admitted,“Itwaschildishandvicious.”ThebossnevercaughtJulie,butshelost
inotherways—shewasconsumedwiththoughtsofrevenge,itslowedher
organization’swork,anditdidn’tstoptheabuse.
Julieandotherswhoexactrevengemaybelieveitwillbolstertheirspirits,but
experimentsledbyColgateUniversity’sKevinCarlsmithsuggestotherwise.His
researchteamhadcontestantsplayaninteractive“prisoner’sdilemma”game
that,inessence,wasriggedsothatoneplayerwasaselfishanddeceitfulvillain
whoscrewedeveryoneelse.Afterurgingfellowcontestantstocooperatesothat
eachcouldwinamoderateamountofmoney,theplantedvillainscrewedthem
allattheendofthegametowinthelion’sshareoftheprizemoney.
Someparticipantsweregiventhechanceto“punish”thisselfishjerkwith
financialpenalties—andnearlyalwayselectedtoexactrevenge.Themost
interestinggroup,however,containedpeoplewhowerescrewedtoo,butdidn’t
haveanymeanstopunishthejerk—theydidn’tgettoexactrevengebecausethe
experimentersmadeitimpossibleforthemtodoso.Theyexperiencedweaker
andshorter-lastingnegativeemotionsthancontestantswhocouldanddidget
revenge,whichwasexactlytheoppositeofwhatmostpeoplewouldpredict
(includingparticipantsinthisstudy).Carlsmithexplained,“Inactuality
punishersruminateontheirdeedandfeelworsethanthosewhocannotavengea
wrong,”andpeople“whodon’thaveachancetotakerevengeareforced,ina
sense,tomoveonandfocusonsomethingdifferent.”Carlsmith’steam
concludedthatSirFrancisBaconmighthavebeenrightwhen,somefour
centuriesago,hewrote,“Amanthatstudiethrevenge,keepshisownwounds
green,whichotherwisewouldheal,anddowell.”
Carlsmith’srevengeexperimentsexaminedbriefepisodes—thegame,
transgression,revenge(ornot),reaction,andruminationwerealloverinan
hour.Paybackmayhavedifferentlong-termconsequences,especiallyifitisfelt
byandcanchangeanasshole’sfuturebehavior.AsHornstein’sstudyshowed,
revengecanbebeneficialwhenitslowsorstopspersistentabuse.
Butrevengecanalsofuelendlessugliness.RevengeresearchersRobertBies
andThomasTrippfoundthattheimpulseto“geteven”canprovokeavicious
circleofattackandcounterattack—whereeachsideviewstheotheraseviland
won’tacceptresponsibilityforfuelingtheconflict,and“bothsidesviewtheir
ownactionsaspurelydefensivebehaviorsmadeinresponsetotheother’s
unwarrantedactions.”Ifyouarelockedinsuchanuglytit-for-tatgame,onethat
ragesformonthsoryears,younotonlyarehurtingyourselfandyournemesis;
youarealsodraggingothersdownwithyou.
Afewyearsago,Ihadalongconversationwithaconsultantwhodescribed
howthesimmeringjealousyandangerbetweentwoofhisfirm’srainmakershad
explodedintoopenwarfare.Theirbackstagebad-mouthingandopen
confrontationsweredrivingawayclientsandcausingsomeofhisfavorite
colleaguestojumpship.Andthephysicalhealthofthetwowarringpartnerswas
degeneratingtoo.Theconsultanthadwisewordsaboutthatshitfight,alongthe
linesof“Itislikewhenyourmotherandfatherarefighting.Youdon’tcarewho
isrightorwrong.Youjustwantthemtostop.”Ifyouaretrappedinoneofthese
brutalcycles,remembertheresearchinchapter5onforgiveness.Evenifyour
tormentorsdon’tdeserveit,findingitinyourhearttoforgivethemmightbebest
foryou,forthoseyoucareabout,andforthoseunworthyjerkstoo.
Usethesystemtoreform,defeat,andexpeljerks. InTheNoAssholeRule,I
describedhowtodesignandbuildorganizationsthatdon’ttoleratemembers,
customers,students,orvolunteerswholeaveothersfeelingdisrespected,
demeaned,andde-energized.Ishowedhoworganizationsthatenforcethisrule
activelyrecruitcivilizedpeople,teachthemtotreatotherswithrespect,reward
andgivepowertopeoplewhoexhibitsuchbehavior,andpunishandeventually
expelthosewhopersistentlybreaktherule.I’veheardfromandaboutdozensof
organizationswith“noasshole”or“nojerks”rules,includingBaird(financial
services),Concertia(cloudcomputingandhosting),Box(filesharing),
Eventbrite(onlineticketsalesandeventorganizing),Invoice2go(invoicingfor
smallbusinesses),RoyalBankofCanada,J.WalterThompsonWorldwide(abig
advertisingagency),andNetflix,wherePattyMcCord(wholedthe“People
Department”thereforfourteenyears)toldmeshewasproudofthemantrathey
builtthecompanyculturearound:“nobozos,noassholes.”
Inateamororganizationthatlivestherule,thesystemhelpspeoplebattle
jerkswhethertheyareatthebottom,middle,ortopofthepeckingorder.Some
ofthebestleadersandteamsdon’ttalkaboutit;theyjustapplyit.Anditisn’t
necessarilysomethingthatcomesfromonhigh—youcanbandtogetherwith
peerstoenforcetheruleinyourcorneroftheworld.Here’showareaderandhis
colleaguesdidit:
Assholesarelikecockroaches.Ifyoushinealightonthem,theyrunfor
cover.Atourworkplace,we’restartingtoinsistonmoretransparency,
lessbackroomchatter,andanendtothesecrecythatallowsour
residentassholetocarryonhisantics.Weshareinformationwitheach
other,refusetolethimtrapusintoprivatediscussionsofourcoworkers,
andgenerallydon’tgivehimpermissiontomanipulateus.It’sdriving
himnuts!He’srunoutofallies(whowereneververywillingtobegin
with),andhedoesn’tknowwhattodonext.
It’sdifficultforbulliestododirtyworkwhentheyaresurroundedwithpeople
whoholdthemaccountableandwhoshareinformationabouttheirabuse.Skilled
tormentorsandbackstabbersmaygetawaywithconcealingtheirmovesfroma
bossortwo—oftenbykissinguptosuperiorsandkickingeveryoneelse.Butit’s
alothardertogetawaywithitwheneveryoneyouencountertriestostopyou.
AsHuggyRaoandIwroteinScalingUpExcellence,inplaceswithhigh
accountability,destructivecharacterscan’thidebecauseeverybodyactslike“I
owntheplaceanditownsme.”
Ifyouareatornearthetopofthepeckingorder,youhaveabig,bigimpact
onwhetherpeoplefeelsafeturningtothesystemforprotectionoriftheysee
leaderslikeyouasjerks,hypocrites,orboth.First,you’vegottonipbad
behaviorinthebud.AspsychologistRoyBaumeisterandhiscolleaguesshowin
theirarticle“BadIsStrongerThanGood,”negativebehaviorssuchascheating,
laziness,grumpiness,anger,anddisrespect—younameit—packabigger
wallop,aremorecontagious,andaremuchhardertostopthangoodbehaviors.
Whenemployeeshavenegativeinteractionswithsupervisors,forexample,ithas
fivetimesmoreimpactontheirmoodsthanpositiveinteractions.AndWill
Felps’sresearchon“badapples”foundthatwhenateamhasevenjustone
deadbeatorjerk,performancedropsby30%to40%.Thelongeryouwait,the
worseitgets.
TheformerCEOofaCanadianstart-upwroteme,“Ourcompanywasfilled
withassholesfromthedirectorsondowntooursalespeople.”Foryears,he
foughttheirdisrespectandunethicalacts.Yettheassholeshiredmoreassholes
andthemaliciousnessspread.Intheend,theygangedupontheCEOand
convincedtheboardtofirehim.Hesaid,“Mybiggestmistakewasnotfiringthe
assholesfastenoughandmycompassiongotthebetterofme.”Incontrast,Paul
Purcell,ChairmanofBaird,doesn’tjusttalkaboutnippingbadbehaviorinthe
bud.Paultoldmeheinformsjobcandidatesthatifhediscoverstheyare
assholes,hewillfirethem.Andhehasdonesoonseveraloccasions.Paul
believesthatlivingthenoassholerulehashelpedfuelBaird’spersistent
financialsuccess,growth,andselectionasoneofFortune’s“100Best
CompaniestoWorkFor”everyyearsince2004(theywererankedfourthin
2017).
Second,Iamallforfiringpeoplewhoarepersistentlydemeaning,become
violent,ordisplayextremecruelty.Butifyouwanttomakeaplacesafefor
peopletotakeonculprits,andadmittheirownbadbehaviorstoo,it’scrucialto
treatallegedjerkswithdignityandrespect.Thatmeansstartingwithcalmand
backstageconversationswiththemandgivingthemchancestochange.Italso
meansrealizingthatsomepeoplearen’tusuallyjerks,butthereissomething
aboutthecharacterstheyworkwith,theircustomers,ortheworktheydothat
bringsouttheirworstselves.Movingthemtoanotherlocationorteamcanspark
bigimprovements.
LaszloBock,whoheadedGoogle’s“PeopleOperations”teamsforadecade,
documentsthevirtuesofachangeofscene.InWorkRules!hereportsthatwhen
aGooglerisatthebottomoftheperformancecurve,thelower5%,thecompany
givesthemthatnegativefeedback—butdoesn’tfirethemrightaway.Theywait
toavoidstokingfearandbecausemanyoftheseemployeesaresalvageable.
WhensuchstrugglingemployeesmovetoanotherroleatGoogle,their
performancetypicallyrisestoabouttheaveragelevelinthecompany.AsBock
explains,movingfromthe5thto50thpercentileisn’tjustgoodforthesalvaged
employee;ithelpsGooglebecausefinding,recruiting,andonboarding
replacementstakesalotoftimeandmoney.Bock’sevidenceisn’tabout
assholesinparticular;buttreatingotherswithdignityandrespectisfactoredinto
thehiringandassessmentofeveryGoogler.Indeed,Bocktellsmethatmany
employeeswhoarerankedinthebottom5%notonlydon’trealizethattheyare
performingsobadly;theyalsoarecluelessaboutthenegativeimpactthey’re
havingonthepeoplearoundthem.That“tellingthemwheretheystand,while
givingthemthechancetotryanewenvironment,isoftenenoughtogetthemto
changetheirbehavior.”
MyStanfordcolleaguePerryKlebahnusesasimilarmethod.He’sfoundthat
movingoverbearingjerkstodifferentteamscansometimesbringoutthegoodin
themandalsofreeothersfromtheirwrath.I’vebeenteachinginnovationclasses
withPerryattheInstituteofDesignatStanford(everyonecallsit“thed.school”)
foroveradecade,includinghands-onprogramswhereweputfortytosixty
visitingexecutivesintofive-orsix-personteams.Thesepressure-packedthree-
to-five-dayprojectshaveincludedimprovingthe“airportexperience”for
JetBluepassengers,makingavisittotheStanfordBloodBankmorecomforting
andinspiringfordonors,andimprovingthecustomerexperienceatBPgas
stations.
Eachteamofexecutivesdoeson-siteobservationsandinterviews,generates
solutions,developsprototypes,teststhemwithusers,and—asthegrandfinale—
presentstheirbestprototypetoleadersatthe“client”organizationandthe
teachingteam.Everyteamhasacoachthatguidesthemthrougheachstep.Asa
programunfolds,PerryandcolleagueJeremyUtleywatcheachteamclosely:
Theyconstantlycheckinwithcoachesandjumpintohelptroubledteams.Each
night,PerryandJeremydebriefwiththecoachestodiscusswhatisworking,
whatisnot,andwhatrepairstheymightmake.
AsHuggyRaoandIreportedinScalingUpExcellence,onceortwiceayear,
afewteamsareinfectedwithwhatPerrycalls“alphatypes”with“big
personalities.”Icallthemassholes.Perry“putsallthebadapplesinonebarrel”
sotheydon’twreckotherteams.Hethenassignsano-nonsensecoachtolead
thebadapplesordoesithimself—heisadeptatdispensingtoughlove.Itworks.
Teamsthatlosethealphasoftenexpressreliefanddobetterwork.Plusit’s
easierfortheteachingteamtodealwiththejerkswhentheyareallinoneplace.
Perryreportsthatoneortwo“badappleteams”havebeenplaguedbyconflict
anddonepoorwork;butmostdevelophealthydynamicsandproduce
“shockinglygoodprototypes.”Perry’smethodrequiresexercisingpowerover
assholes.Butyoumightbeabletoenticethemtogathertogetherinonegroupor
place.AsRobertCialdinishowsinhisclassicbookInfluence,similarpeopleare
attractedtoeachotherandenjoyspendingtimetogether.Infact,Perrybelieves
onereasonbadappleteamsusuallydosuchgoodworkisthatmembers
appreciateandunderstandfellow“alphatypes.”
Third,andfinally,ifyouwantpeopletobelievethesystemisfairand
effective,it’sessentialtobetoughonthemostpowerful,profitable,andwell-
knownjerks.Ifyouenforcetheruleonlywiththeweakperformers,peoplewho
areeasilyreplaceable,orwhodeliverbadnewsandhavethegumptionto
disagreewithsuperiors—andyouallowpowerfulassholestorunroughshodover
anyonetheyplease—peoplewillsmellyourhypocriticalbullshitfromamile
away.Inchapter2,IdiscussedhowleadersincludingRobFyfefromAirNew
Zealandprotectedemployeesandgainedtheirtrustbyfiringnastycustomers
andclients.Ittakesparticularcouragetofireabigclientwhenyourorganization
dependsononlyafewtosurvive.
That’swhatCEOBillCarmodydidin2008rightafterhelaunchedTrepoint,a
digitalmarketingcompany.Apotentialnewclientfromabigcompanyhad
contactedCarmody:AsHuffingtonPostbloggerMollyReynoldsreported,if
Trepointcouldhavelandedthework,itwouldhaveprovidedahugeboosttothe
start-up.Carmody’steamworkedlonghourstodevelopaproposalandpitch
withjusttheright“wowfactor”fortheclient.Unfortunately,whenthey
presentedittoanexecutivefromthebigcompany,hewasn’tjustcritical;he
totally“beratedBill’sstaff”andwas“borderlineabusive.”Carmodystoodup
andtoldthepotentialclient:“We’renottherightfirmforyou...Idon’tallow
thistypeoftreatmenttomystaff.We’rehappytoreferyoutoanothercompany
whomightaccommodateyou.”
Carmodylatertoldhisshockedstaff,“Evenifyousatisfytheirneeds,assholes
attractmoreassholes,andI’mnotsubjectingyouguystothat.”Thatphilosophy,
forbothclientsandemployees,isonereasonthatCarmodybelieveshis
companyisgrowingandattractinggreatpeople—ithasbustlingofficesin
KansasCity,NewYork,andSanFranciscoandisonInc.’slistofthefastest-
growingprivatecompanies.
Alas,bosseslikeBillCarmodyarerare.Toomanyleadersandsystemsdon’t
protectpeoplefromthesepowerfuljerksor—worse—throwthosewiththe
couragetofightthemunderthebus.
Awarningaboutweakorriggedsystems. Duringthepastdecadeorso,the
litanyofbadnewsaboutworkplacebullying,harassment,andbiasagainst
women,lesbian,gay,bisexual,andtransgenderpeople,andmembersofvarious
religiousgroupshasprovokedpoliticians,lawyers,regulators,corporateleaders,
andotheranti-assholecrusaderstopropose(andsometimesimplement)legal
solutions.Anti-bullyinglawsthatprotectschoolkidshavebeenadoptedinfifty
U.S.states.TheJointCommission’s2008standardsrequireall5,600U.S.
hospitalsto“haveacodeofconductaswellasaprocessformanagingdisruptive
andinappropriatebehaviors.”TheserulescouldhavesomebitebecausetheJoint
Commissionisthemainorganizationthataccreditsandcertifieshealth-care
organizationsandprogramsintheUnitedStates.Thecommission’smedical
directorRonaldWyattjustifiedtheserulesina2013postontheirLeadership
Blog.Hecitedevidencethatdoctorswhoareuncooperative,use“condescending
languageorvoiceintonation,”andtake“overtactionssuchasverbaloutbursts
andphysicalthreats”intimidatefellowhealth-careworkers,which,inturn,
contributes“directlytomedicalerrors.”
YetasmuchasIadmiremanyofthesecrusadersforlaws,rules,and
regulations,andsometimesfancymyselfasone,Iamwaryoflegalsolutions.
Sure,theyworksometimes.Thisisespeciallytrueifyou’vegotaverystrong
caseandanexpensivelawyer,asGretchenCarlsondidwhenshesuedFox
News.Butrecallthatsheclaimstohaveenduredyearsofsexualharassment
beforetakinglegalaction.
Ifyouexaminethewidespreadanti-bullyinglawsforprotectingschoolkids,
forexample,theyareprettyweak.Mostsimplyrequireschoolstohaveawritten
anti-bullyingpolicy—whichishollowrhetoricwithouttherightleaders,culture,
andresourcestoinstillandenforcethemdayafterday.Indeed,thereislittle
evidencethattheselawshavereducedbullyinginschools:in2014,UCLA
professorsJaanaJuvonenandSandraGrahamreviewed140studiesandfound
thattheanti-bullyingprogramsusedinmostschoolsareweakandineffectivefor
protectingvictimsorpunishingculprits.
Moreover,asofOctober2016,workplacebullyingremainedLEGALinall
fiftyU.S.states,astheWorkplaceBullyingInstitute’sdetailedanduseful
websitepointsout(theinstituteisledbyGaryNamie,arelentlessadvocate
againstworkplacebullying).Inotherwords,intheUnitedStates,itisn’tagainst
thelawtobeanequalopportunityasshole—onewhotreatseveryonelikedirt
regardlessoftheirbackground.Theinstitute’swebsiteadvisesthatifyouareina
“protected”groupbasedonfactorsincludinggender,race,religion,andage,you
mightbeabletousefederalcivilrightslawstofightback.Buttheinstitute’s
surveysshowthatsuchdiscriminatoryharassmentoccursinonlyabout20%of
bullyingcases.Theinstitutegoesontowarnvictimswhoarecontemplating
legalaction:“Depositions(intenseinvasiveinterrogations)bytheemployer’s
attorneysre-traumatizedinjuredbulliedworkers.Manyquittheirlawsuitsatthat
stage.Yourprivacywillbelost.Yourhealthrecordswillbeavailableforyour
bullyandemployertomock...Ifyouareevenconsideringalawsuit,youfacea
toughroadofpersonalizedhatedirectedatyou.”
AsI’veemphasized,evenifyourorganizationhas“official”systems,
practices,andwrittenvaluesinplacetopreventabusiveanddisrespectful
behavior,thatdoesn’tmeanthatpeopleinHR,legal,orseniormanagementwill
helpyoufightthelocalbullies.Yes,sometimes,suchsystemsareeffective.
Baird,Google,andBillCarmody’sTrepointallappeartohaveleaderswho
espouseandenforcesuchstandards.Andrecall“theSeaWitch”CaptainHolly
GrafoftheU.S.Navyfromchapter2:Graf’smaliciouswordsanddeeds
promptednumerouscomplaintsandathoroughinvestigation,andshewas
ultimatelyrelievedofhercommand.Toooften,however,evenwhensuch
systemsexist,it’sriskytousethemtobattlepowerfulassholes.Justraisingthe
issueofabusecangetyoubrandedasatroublemaker.Andifyouaregoingafter
influentialandpoliticallyadeptpeople,eveniftheyarebeneathyouinthe
officialpeckingorder,theycanrallytheiralliesagainstyou.
Asupervisorwrotemethatoneofherdirectreports—thedepartment
secretary—was“nasty,mean,andinsubordinate”whenevertheywerealone,but
“sweetassugar”whenotherswerepresent.Hersurlysecretaryhadcultivateda
closefriendshipwiththehumanresourcesdirector.Thesupervisorexplainedthe
two“goouttodinnertogetherandhelpeachotherwithpersonalstuff.”Asa
result,thesupervisor’seffortstodocumentandreportthesecretary’ssurliness
(andincompetence)wasallfornaught.Thesecretarydenieditalland(withhelp
fromherpowerfulfriendinHR)escapedpunishment.
LanceArmstrongprovidesatextbookcaseofhowapowerfulandsleazy
assholecanmakelifemiserableforanybodywhodarestorevealtheuglytruth.
Thisseven-timewinneroftheTourdeFrancebicycleracewaseventually
strippedofhistitlesforusingbannedsubstancesandblooddoping.After
denyinganywrongdoingforyears,hefinallyadmittedhissinsonOprah
Winfrey’sTVshowonJanuary17,2013—confessingthatheusedbanned
substancesandmethodsineveryvictory,whichincludedtestosterone,cortisone,
humangrowthhormone,andbloodtransfusions.Armstrongisnowreviledasa
liarandacheater.Butthedamagethatthisrich,arrogant,andvindictivecreep
didtoteammates,journalists,formerfriends,andanyoneelsewhorevealedhis
cheating—orjustaskedquestionsaboutit—wasbreathtaking.Armstrongandhis
lawyerssuedpeoplewhotoldthetruth,calledthemliarsandlowlifes,and
ruinedtheirreputationsandcareers.
Forexample,Armstrongreceivedasettlementofabout$500,000fromthe
SundayTimesofLondonin2006aftertheyranstoriesbyDavidWalshthat
accusedhimofdoping.AsWalshreportedinthesamenewspaperinJanuary
2013,Armstrongbashedhimasa“scumbag”anda“liar.”Hesaid,“Walshisthe
worstjournalistIknow.”Lawsuitsandpersonalattackslikethesecausedother
journaliststoavoidaskingArmstrongtoughquestionsortowritestoriesabout
hisdoping.AfterArmstrong’slieswereexposed,theSundayTimessuedhimfor
overamilliondollarsandannouncedinAugust2013thattheywere“entirely
happy”withtheconfidentialfinancialsettlement.Walshwasvindicatedandwon
kudosintheUnitedKingdom,includingJournalistoftheYearin2012andthe
BarclaysLifetimeAchievementAwardforjournalismin2013.
AstheNewYorkTimeswroteinJanuary2013,Armstrongalsomadethreats
anddegradingcommentsaboutBetsyAndreuforyears(ateammate’swifewho
testifiedthatArmstrongadmittedtotakingsteroidsinherpresence).Armstrong
alsocalledformerteammasseuseEmmaO’Reillyaprostituteandalcoholicafter
sheadmittedtotransportingdrugsforArmstrong’steamandgettingridofthe
evidence.ArmstrongsuedO’Reillytoo.Hedroppedthelawsuitin2006.Butas
theNewYorkDailyNewsreportedinOctober2012,O’Reillylamentedthat“the
damageLancecausedtomyreputationstillremains.”Intheend,Armstrongwas
broughtdown,butmanywhostooduptohimpaidasteepprice.
Publicfiguresorexecutivesaren’ttheonlydangerousassholes.Aswe’ve
seen,suchjerksdon’tneedtoholdprestigiouspositions—theyjustneedtobe
adeptatrecruitingalliestohelpthembackstab,intimidate,andspreadvicious
liesaboutanybodywhostandsintheirway.Unfortunately,targetsoppressedby
suchpeopleoftenhavesoundreasonsforremainingsilentandenduringthe
abuse.Idon’tcondoneit,butit’seasytounderstandwhyvictimstrappedin
theseterriblesituationstellliesaboutanasshole’scruelandsleazywordsand
deeds—asmanypeoplearoundLanceArmstrongdidtoprotecttheirown
livelihoodsandavoidhisvengeance.Ibelieveindoingbattlewhenyouhavea
decentchancetowin,orevenwhentheoddsarelow,butonlywhenthepeople
youtakeonhaveneitherthemeansnorinclinationtodoseriousharmtoyou.
Alas,sometimesit’swiserandsafertolaylow,tosaynothing,andtowaitfor
theopportunitytogetthehellout.
ABATTLEFORYOURDIGNITY
Thischapteroffersamenuofgentleandrough,sillyandserious,andsneakyand
in-your-facemovesforreducingandstoppingabuse—andtosendjerkspacking.
Itcontrastswiththeearlierchaptersthatfocusonchangingyourselfratherthan
yourtormentors.I’veencouragedyoutofight,butnottobeanidiotaboutit.The
accompanyinglisthighlightsseventechniquesthatareespeciallypronetofail
andbackfire—wherestrongcautionandvigilancearerequiredbeforeand
duringuse.
THEWRONGWAYTOFIGHTASSHOLES
SevenTechniquesThatArePronetoFailandBackfire
1. Dothefirstthingthatcomestomind,RIGHTNOW.You
encounterassholesinhigh-stakesandcomplexsituations,
wherefearandangercancloudyourjudgment.Your
immediategutinstinctisprobablywrong.Slowdown,cool
off,andtalktowisepeopleaboutwhetherandhowtofight.
2. Usedirectandaggressiveconfrontationwithapowerful
tormentor—eventhoughyoulackdocumentationorallies.
Ifyouloveplayingthemartyrortakemasochisticpleasure
frombeingabused,thisapproachmayworkforyou.Butif
youwanttochange,weaken,ordriveoutthejerks,itusually
won’twork.
3. Callanassholeanasshole.Thismightworkwithsomeone
youknowandtrust,andifdoneinprivate.Butbeforewarned:
Itusuallyjustprovokesmorehostility.It’sespecially
dangerousifitembarrassesyourtormentor—andusingtheA-
wordmaybeanassholemoveonyourpart.
4. Exactvindictive,anonymous,anduselessrevenge.People
wholackthepowerorcouragetoconfrontassholes
sometimesresorttoanonymousandmeanformsof
“payback”—pettycrimeslikelettingtheairoutoftheirtires.
Itmayhelpyoufeelbetter(orworse).Butintheend,itwon’t
alterthejerks’behavior(unlesstheycatchyouandexact
revenge).
5. Findascapegoat.Thishappenswhenyouaresurrounded
withassholesandhaveenoughinfluencetotakedownoneor
twopowerlessculprits.Youblamethemfortherampant
abuse.Theyarepunishedorexpelled.Youmayclaimthebad
applesaregone,butthetruthis,youhaven’trepairedthe
system.Infact,throwingafewweakjerksunderthebusmay
actuallyhelpyourcruelcroniesstrengthentheirgrip.
6. Catchthediseasetoplease.Thisisanafflictionwherethe
creepsinquestionareimpervioustoyourlovebombingand
ass-kissing,orworseyet,takeitasasignthatyouenjoytheir
abuseandwantmore.Butyoucan’thelpyourself.Youkeep
fawningoverandflatteringthem.
7. Askcrookedpeopleandsystemsforhelp.Bewareofpeople
inHR,legal,seniormanagement,orlawenforcementwithbig
incentivestoprotecttheassholesinpowerandnonetofight
foryou.GretchenCarlsonatFoxNewsprovidesacautionary
tale.NewYorkmagazinereportedinSeptember2016that
whenshecomplainedtohersupervisoraboutcondescending
cohostSteveDoocy,ChairmanRogerAilesgotwindofitand
toldCarlsonthatshewas“amanhater”anda“killer”who
“neededtogetalongwiththeboys.”
That’senoughhandwringing.ThereisanupsidetofightingassholesthatI
haven’tmentionedyet,onethatharkensbacktochapter5on“MindTricksThat
ProtectYourSoul.”Win,lose,ordraw,whenyoutakeonpeoplewhohurtyou
andthoseyoucareabout,you’veelectedtodefendyourdignityandpriderather
thanallowingthemtotramplealloveryou—thatalonecanmakeyoutougher
andmoreresilient.Researcherswhostudyworkplacebullying,aggression,and
abusehaven’tfiguredoutexactlywhenandhowit’sbesttofightback.Bennett
Tepper,whohasstudiedabusivesupervisionforsometwentyyears,readily
admittedtome,“Theevidencebaseisstillwanting.”Butrecentstudiesof
“upwardhostility”byTepperandhiscolleaguesareintriguing—itappearsthat
employeeswhoreturnfiretoabusivebosses(ratherthanactingandfeelinglike
passivevictims)feelmoreincontroloftheirfatesandsufferlessdamage.
Tepper’steamdidtwostudiesofemployeeswhorespondedwithvarying
degreesof“upwardhostility”tosupervisors—thefirstfollowed169employees
andthesecondtracked371employees.Theseresearchersaskedninequestions
abouthowofteneachemployee“resistedsupervisor’srequests.”Thequestions
covereddirectconfrontation(e.g.,“Ijustsay‘no’”and“Irefusetoperformthe
request”),passive-aggressivepayback(e.g.,“Imakeahalf-heartedeffortand
thenletmybossknowIcouldn’tdoit”),andablendofemotionaldetachment
anddefiance(e.g.,“Iignoremysupervisor”and“Idisregardwhatmysupervisor
says”).
Theprotectivepowersofsuch“upwardhostility”seemstriking:abused
employeeswhofoughtbackharderwerelesspronetoseethemselvesasvictims,
moresatisfiedwiththeirjobsandcareers,lessdistressed,andmorecommittedto
theirorganizations.Tepperandhiscolleaguesbelievethatemployeeswho
wranglewithandresistabusivesupervisorsfarebetterbecauseitsignalsto
themselvesandtoothersthattheyarestronganddeterminedtodefendtheir
dignity.Theyrefusetoremainpassive,silent,andvulnerableeventhoughtheir
bossesridiculethem,tellthemtheyarestupid,andblamethemunfairly.
Theimplicationisthat,whileyoustillneedtobecarefulaboutpickingyour
battles,therewardsforfightingbackmayincludemorethanreforming,
repelling,defeating,andexpellingtheassholesthathoundyou.Doingsomay
bolsteryourdignity,pride,andsenseofcontroloveryourfateandhelpyou
avoidfeelinglikeapowerlessvictim—evenifyoudon’twinthewar.
7
BePartoftheSolution,NottheProblem
THEASSHOLESURVIVALGUIDEisdevotedtostrategiesthathelppeopleescape,
endure,battle,andbringdownotherswhotreatthemlikedirt.Asimpleidea
runsthroughandgluestogetherthestories,studies,andadvicehere:althoughwe
humanssometimesexpressitinstrangeways,weallwantalifewherewe
encounterandaredamagedbyasfewassholesaspossible,wewantthesame
thingforthosewecareabout,andwedon’twanttobehavelikeorbeknownas
assholes.Asonereaderwroteme,“Nooneeversays,whentheyareontheir
deathbed,‘IwishIhadbeenmeaner.’”
Theupshotisthatthenoassholeruleisapersonalphilosophythatshapeshow
youviewlife,theactionsyoutake,andhowyoujudgeyourself—it’snotjustfor
teamsandorganizations.Anditisn’tjustsomethingtotalkabout;itmeans
takingconcretesteps.Ifyouwanttobepartofthesolutionratherthanpartofthe
problem,it’susefultokeepsevenlessonsinmindaboutwhatitmeanstolive
thisphilosophydespitethehubbubandhasslesofeverydaylife,andourall-too-
humanflawsandbiases.
1.FollowthedaVincirule. AnthonyBourdain,thechefwhobecamefamous
forhistell-allbookKitchenConfidential,andnowstarsinedgyfoodandtravel
TVshows,defineshissuccessbythequestion“DoIlikethepeopleIamdealing
with?”AshetoldanInc.writerin2016,“IliveinbusinessbysomethingIcall
theno-assholerule.It’sanimportantone.IactuallylikeeverybodyIdobusiness
with.”Bourdaindescribeswhatlivingbytherulelookslike:
WewenttothisonemeetinginL.A.andaguyofferedusaTVshowand
adealthatwouldhavemadeusallBondvillain-wealthy.Like,helipad
wealthy.Themeetingwentfantasticallywell,andwewerestanding
thereintheparkinglotafterwardandlookedateachother,andIsaid,
“Ifthephoneringsat11p.m.,doyouwantittobethatasshole?”And
wewerealllike,“Noway!”
Thisphilosophymeansthatwhenyou’veenteredadenofassholes,youdo
everythingpossibletogetoutasfastasyoucan—or,betteryet,tofigureout
howtoavoidthatlairinthefirstplace.Icallthisthe“daVincirule.”As
LeonardodaVinciputit,“Itiseasiertoresistatthebeginningthanattheend.”
That’sexactlywhatBourdaindid.It’ssoundsocialpsychologybecause,asI
wroteinTheNoAssholeRule,“Themoretimeandeffortthatpeopleputinto
anything—nomatterhowuseless,dysfunctional,ordownrightstupiditmightbe
—theharderitisforthemtowalkaway,beitabadinvestment,adestructive
relationship,anexploitivejob,oraworkplacefilledwithbrowbeaters,bullies,
andbastards.”
2.Protectothers,notjustyourself. AsWhartonprofessorAdamGrantshows,
themostcivilized,constructive,andsuccessfulpeoplearegivers,notjusttakers.
Justasyouneedotherstotellyouthetruthaboutwhenyou’vebeenajerkand
alsotoshieldyoufromdemeaningpeople,it’ssmarttoreturntheirfavors.It’s
easiertoprotectothers,ofcourse,whenyouhavetheauthoritytoenforceno
assholerules.RecallChairmanPaulPurcell’swarningtojobcandidatesatBaird
thathefiresassholes.AndrememberhowmyStanfordcolleaguePerryKlebahn
removesoverbearingjerksfromteamsandputsallthebadapplesinthesame
barrel.
Youcanalsouseyourinfluencetoinstallpracticesthatnudgepeopletobe
civilized.GeorgetownprofessorChristinePorathdescribeshowtheLouisiana-
basedOchsnerHealthSystemhastrainedmorethaneleventhousandphysicians,
nurses,managers,andadministratorsthe“Ochsner10/5Way.”Employeesare
expectedtosmileatandmakeeyecontactwithanypatientoremployeewhois
withintenfeetofthemandtosayhellotoanyonewhoiswithinfivefeet.Porath
reportsthatoverallcivilityhasimproved,patientsatisfactionisontherise,and
soarepatientreferrals.
Evenifyouaren’tatopdog,youcanbandtogetherwithothersatworkto
createsafehavenswherecolleagueswhoareatriskofbeingabusedcangofor
protectionandsupport.Ahospitaladministratorwrotemeabouthowsheandher
colleaguesprotectednewcomersfromthewrathofthenumerousjerkswho
roamedthehallsofherhospital.Iadmiredtheirreverse“assholeearlywarning
system”:
WealsofoundstaffwhodoNOTtendtobeassholesandidentifiedthem
withasmallstickerontheirIDbadge.Newstaffandmedstudentsare
toldtousethesepeopleasresources.Theyarestaffwhohaveagreedto
bewillingtohelpandanswerquestions,andareeasilyidentified.This
hashelpedremovethehesitationthatonehaswhenyouarenewand
don’tknowwhotogotowithaquestion(andriskgettingyourhead
bittenoff).
Livingthisphilosophyalsomeansthatwhenyouarestuckwithjerkswhoyou
can’tescapefromorwhoyoucan’treform,youwilltakeontheresponsibility
fornotcatchingtheirdiseaseandinfectingothers.Evenifyoucan’tprotect
yourself,youwillfindwaystobreakthecycleofabusesothatfuture
generationswillbespared.Aprestigioussurgeonwrotemeabouthow—when
hewasasurgicalresidentmorethantwentyyearsagoataneliteIvyLeague
medicalschool—hewitnessed“episodesofunbelievablementalcrueltyona
dailybasis”bytheseniororattendingsurgeonswhotrainedhim.Heandhis
abusedpeersperformedalittleritualthatnow,lookingback,theybelievehelped
themavoidbecomingassholesliketheirmentors:
Asresidents,wemeteveryFridayforafewbeersatalocalbarafter
anotherarduousworkweek.Wekeptaleather-boundjournalbook.The
highlightofthehappyhourwasnominatingandelectingthe“Attending
AssholeoftheWeek”or“AAOTW.”Eachaggrievedindividualwould
recounttheirepisodewithanattendingthatwouldmerittheir
nominationasthe“AssholeoftheWeek.”Thegroupvotedandthe
“winner’s”namewasenteredintothejournalbook.Abriefsynopsisof
the“assholeincident”wasalsoplacedinthejournal.
Thesurgeonarguedthisritualwasn’tjusta“bitchsession.”“Welearnedhow
destructiveassholebehaviorwasinourspecialty,”hewrote.“Wevowednotto
imitatethepathologicalbehaviorweencountereddaily.”Now,sometwenty
yearslater,thoseformerresidentsallholdprestigiouspositions;manyare
programchairsanddepartmentchairs.Headded,“Iamproudtosaythat
everybodywhowasapartofthatFridaygrouprunstheirtrainingprogramswith
anunwritten‘noasshole’rule.”
3.Usethe“BenjaminFranklineffect”toturnassholesinto“friends.” Recall
themantrathatendschapter1:“Beslowtolabelothersasassholes,bequickto
labelyourselfasone.”Itiseasytoconcludethatyouaredealingwithacertified
assholeafteranencounterortwowithsomeonewhoinsultsyou,dismissesyou,
ortreatsyouasifyouwereinvisible.Afterall,badbehaviorismoreupsetting
andmorememorablethangoodbehavior,andonceyoustartsuspectingthat
somebodyisajerk,youmayfocusonjusttheirbadbehavior.Andifyouare
unkindinresponse,itcanprovokeacycleofhostilitywherebothofyouactlike
jerks—soyouroriginalassumptionaboutthatotherpersonbecomesaself-
fulfillingprophecy.
Inparticular,it’seasytoleaptosuchconclusionsaboutpeoplewithgruff
exteriors(butwhoaregoodunderneath).Inchapter5,Isuggestedthatauseful
reframingstrategywas“developsympathyforthedevil,”totellyourselfthata
knownassholeisa“porcupinewithaheartofgold”orhas“abaduserinterface
butagoodoperatingsystem”innerdspeak.Suchattributionssometimesturnout
tobeaccuratedescriptions,notjustmindtricksforcopingwithabullyor
backstabber.Sobeforeyoulabelsomeoneasanasshole,it’shelpfultoyou,the
suspectedjerk,andthosearoundyoutoconsideralternativeexplanations.
Beyondjumpingtoconclusions,whenpeopledotreatyoulikedirt,youmight
beabletoreversethesituationbyusinglovebombing,aswesawinchapter6.
Respondtotheirnastinesswithrelentlesscivilityandwarmth,andseeifthey
treatyoubetter—asmydaughterClairedidtoreformthegrumpycookatthat
restaurantsheworkedatinBoston.Betteryet,combineyourwarmthandflattery
withrequeststhattheydoasmallfavorortwoFORYOU.Thisstrategyisakin
towhatauthorDavidMcRaneycalls“theBenjaminFranklineffect,”whichis
basedonexperimentsthatshowwecometolikepeoplethatwedonicethings
forandtodislikepeoplethatwetreatunkindly.
InYouAreNowLessDumb,McRaneydescribeshow,whenFranklinwasa
youngmanstrugglingtoovercomehismodestmeansandlackofformal
education,awealthyandeducatedpeer(whomhedoesn’tnameinhiswritings)
gavealongspeechattackingFranklin’sactionsandmotives.Franklinwas
furious.Buthedidn’treturntheanger.Instead,McRaneyexplainedhow
Franklintransformed“hishaterintoafan”:
Franklin’sreputationasabookcollectorandlibraryfoundergavehim
astandingasamanofdiscerningliterarytastes,soFranklinsenta
lettertothehateraskingifhecouldborrowaspecificselectionfromhis
library,onethatwasa“veryscarceandcuriousbook.”Therival,
flattered,sentitrightaway.Franklinsentitbackaweeklaterwitha
thank-younote.Missionaccomplished.Thenexttimethelegislaturemet,
themanapproachedFranklinandspoketohiminpersonforthefirst
time.Franklinsaidtheman“everaftermanifestedareadinesstoserve
meonalloccasions,sothatwebecamegreatfriends,andourfriendship
continuedtohisdeath.”
IfirstreadaboutthisBenjaminFranklineffectonMariaPopova’swonderful
BrainPickingswebsite.Popova’sinterpretationofwhythisployworkshelps
explainwhyyouseeothersasassholes,whytheyseeyouasone,andhowto
reversetheassociatedhostilesentimentsandacts:“Thisiswhathappenedto
Franklin’snemesis:Heobservedhimselfperforminganactofkindnesstoward
Franklin,whichheexplainedtohimselfbyconstructingthemostplausiblestory
—thathedidsowillfully,becausehelikedFranklinafterall.”
Itmaysounddaft.Butnomatterhowmuchdisdainsomeonefeelsand
expressestoyou,ifyoucanenticethemtoofferabitofkindnesstoyou,they
maychangetheirtune.Thislessoncutsbothways:ifyouwanttoreducethe
abusethatyouheaponothers,starttodofavorsforyourtargets,saysomething
kindtothem,anddosomethingniceforthembehindtheirbacks.Suchstrategies
createuncomfortablecognitivedissonance—whenpeoplechangetheirbehavior,
theirjudgmentsandfeelingsusuallyfallintolinesotheycanjustifytheiractions
tothemselvesandothers.That’swhyMcRaneyadvises,“Aboveall,remember
themoreharmyoucause,themorehateyoufeel.Themorekindnessyou
express,themoreyoucometolovethoseyouhelp.”
4.Takealookinthemirror—areyoupartoftheproblem? “Everygrouphas
anasshole.Ifyoulookaroundanddon’tseeone,thatmeansitisyou.”IthinkI
heardthatjokefromcomedianCraigFerguson,theformerhostofTheLateLate
ShowonCBS.Itprovidesanicereminderthatifyouareajerk,sometimesthe
personleastlikelytorealizeitisyou.Andifyoufeelbesiegedbyassholes,even
ifyouarepart(orall)oftheproblem,itwon’tbeeasyforyoutoadmititto
yourselforanybodyelse.That’swhy,asreportedattheendofchapter1,over
50%ofAmericanssaytheyhaveexperiencedorwitnessedpersistentbullying,
butlessthan1%admittodoingit—thosenumbersdon’taddup;alotofjerks
outtherearen’tconfessingtheirsins.
Alas,wehumanbeingshaveapenchantfordenialanddelusion.Weareoften
cluelessaboutourflaws,andwhenwedoadmitourshortcomings,we
underestimatetheirseverityandnegativeimpact.I’vediscussedthecurseof
overconfidenceandhowNobelPrizewinnerDanielKahnemanbelievesitisthe
mostdestructiveofhumanbiases.Wetendtoseeourselvesthroughrose-colored
glasses.Otherswhoknowus(evenslightly)areoftenmuchbetterjudgesofour
strengthsand(especially)weaknesses.Dozensofstudiesconductedandinspired
bypsychologistsDavidDunningandJustinKrugershowthatpoorperformers
areespeciallypronetodelusions:theyoverestimatetheirtalents,including
logicalreasoning,grammar,humor,debating,interviewing,management,and
emotionalskills.Infact,theweakertheirskills,includinginterpersonalskills,
themorethatpeopletendtoexaggeratethemintheirownminds.
Ifyouthinkofyourselfasacivilizedpersonbutseemtorunintoassholes
everywherethatyougo,lookinthemirror—youcouldbestaringattheculprit.
Remember,treatingotherslikedirtgoadspeopletobullyyouback.Aswe’ve
seen,researchonabusivesupervisionandworkplaceaggressionshowsthat
returningfireprovokestargets.ConsideroneoftheweirdestencountersthatI
hadafterpublishingTheNoAssholeRule.Imetaprestigiousattorneyata
Stanfordentrepreneurshipconferencewhotoldmethathelikedthebook.He
braggedabouthowhelivedtheruleandtookprideintreatingeveryonewithfull
respect—eventhoughhedealtwithnumerousrudeandselfishpeopleeveryday.
Iwasastonishedtohearallofthisbecause,althoughIdidn’ttellhim,hewas
thesameattorneydescribedinthatbookwhohadofferedmywifeMarinaajob;
sheturneditdownafteroneofhisformerassociatestoldMarinathathewasa
flamingasshole(andbackeduphisclaimwithmultiplestories).Sureenough,as
reportedinTheNoAssholeRule,whentheattorneylearnedthatMarinahad
declinedthejob,hecalledher“toberateandcriticizeherandtopressureherto
revealtheinsiderwhohadoutedhim.”Herresponsewas“Yourbehavioronthis
callconfirmsthereasonsbehindthisdecision.”Thatattorneydidn’tconnectme
toMarinabecauseyearshadpassedsincetheincidentandMarinaandIhave
differentlastnames.Butheseemstobetheposterchildforeveryclueless
assholewhodoesn’trealizehowbadlyhetreatspeople(orseeshimselfasso
insightfulandbrilliantthathis—andonlyhis—demeaningmovesoughttobe
allowed)andtravelsthroughlifewithoutrealizingthatpeoplearethrowingback
thesameshitthathethrowsatthem.
Wehumanbeingsarepronetodevelopingdistortedandoverlypositiveself-
images—andtodeny,disregard,ornevernoticenegativeinformationabout
ourselves.Thatmeansthat,formostofus,comingtogripswithwhenweact
likejerksorencouragingotherstodosorequiresovercomingsomemighty
potentpredilections.AsColumbiaUniversitypsychologistHeidiGrant
HalvorsondocumentsinNoOneUnderstandsYouandWhattoDoAboutIt,the
keytoself-awarenessisn’tfoundinsideourheads;it’sindiscoveringand
acceptinghowothersseeus—evenwhenithurts.Halvorsonshowsthatthe
biggerthegapbetweenhowweseeourselvesandhowothersseeus,theworse
ourrelationshipswiththemtendtobe.Sothereisabigpayofftocomingto
gripswithhowothersperceiveus.Thepeopleinourlivestendtoagreewith
eachotherabouthowwe’veactedinthepastandprobablywillactinthefuture
—theirjudgmentsareusuallyfarmoreaccuratethanourownself-assessments.
Thetakeawayis,ifyouwanttoknowifsomeoneisanasshole,theyarethe
worstpersontoask.
Butthepathtoself-awarenessiseasytodescribeandhardtofollow:You
needpeoplewhoknowyouandwhowon’tsugarcoatthetruth,andtoseekand
acceptcandidfeedbackfromthem.Whentheygiveyoubadnews,thankthem,
don’targue,trynottolookangryordevastated,and—thisistoughifyouhave
narcissistictendencies—stifleanythoughtsthatthey’vesomehowbetrayedyou,
youaregoingtoshunthem,orevenworse,you’regoingtoexactrevenge.
Hereishowamastertruth-tellerpracticedthiscraftonme.PeterGlynnwas
mydepartmentchairatStanfordforfiveyears.Peterisamodestandunselfish
Canadianwithstrongopinionsaboutcivilityandjustice.Ioncehadastudent
whomademanyirrelevantcommentsinclassandwhoalsogeneratednumerous
complaintsfromfellowstudentsabouthispoorworkanddestructiveattitude.
Afterthisstudenthandedinabadpaper,Iwrotehimablisteringemailthatwent
farbeyondspecificcritiquesofthework:Iquestionedhischaracterandimplied
hewaslazyandclueless.Thestudent(rightfully)forwardedmyemailtoPeter,
whocalledmeintohisoffice,toldmethatnofacultymembershouldevertreat
anystudentthatway,anddemandedthatIapologizetothestudentatonce.Of
course,Peterwasright.IapologizedprofuselytothestudentandIthankedPeter
forcallingmeoutonmycruelemail.ThatconversationwithPeterstung.Thatis
whatlivingthenoassholerulelooksandfeelslike—thetruthhurts,butthings
areevenworsewhenpeopleareunwillingorunabletotellorhearit.
MyStanfordcolleagueHuggyRaoarguesthatifyoulookatmanysuccessful
people,theyhaveaspouseorpartnerwhoinformsthemwhentheyhaveacted
likeanassholeoranidiot—evenwhenotherfriends,colleagues,andfollowers
areafraidtodeliverthemthebadnews.RecalltheletterthatPrimeMinister
WinstonChurchill’swifeClementinewrotehimin1940,duringthedarkestdays
ofWorldWarIIforBritain.Clementinedidn’tpullanypunches:“Imustconfess
thatIhavenoticedadeteriorationinyourmanner;&youarenotsokindasyou
usedtobe.”
Huggyspeculatesfurtherthatpowerfulpeoplewithteenagechildrenareless
pronetoarroganceanddelusionsofgrandeurbecause,nomatterhowmuchtheir
underlingsandfansfawnoverandflatterthem,they’vegotyoungpeopleat
homewhodon’thesitatetopointouttheirflawsandfoiblesdayafterday.
Researchershaven’ttestedthishypothesis;butwhenIpresentittoleadersasa
possibleantidotetohubris,theylaugh,nod,andtellmestoriesabouthowtheir
ownchildrenbringthembacktoearth.
Youcanreduceyourriskoftreatingotherspoorlybyseekingoutand
listeningtotrustedtruth-tellersandreflectingaboutyourpastbehaviorto
identifycircumstancesthatbringouttheworstinyou.Checkouttheattachedlist
ofadozenriskfactorsthatresearchershaveidentified—thesearecommon
“Achilles’heels”thatcausepeopletoactlikeortobeseenbyothersasrude,
overlyaggressive,abusive,andbullying—andfigureoutwhichonesare
especiallylikelytocauseyourinnerjerktorearitsuglyhead.
WHATISYOURACHILLES’HEEL?
FactorsThatEncouragePeopletoActLikeandtoBe
ViewedasAssholes
1. Youarearoundalotofassholes.
2. Youwieldpoweroverothers—especiallyifyouoncehad
littlepower.
3. Youareatthetopofthepeckingorder,andareavery
competitivepersonwhofeelsthreatenedbyyourstar
underlings.
4. Youarerich.
5. Youareseenasa“cold”person.
6. Youworkmuchharderandsacrificemorethanothers—and
oftenleteveryoneknowaboutyourmartyrdom.
7. Youarea“RuleNazi,”asticklerwhofollowseveryrule
preciselyandinsiststhatothersdoaswell.
8. Youdon’tgetenoughsleep.
9. Youhavetoomuchtodo,toomuchtothinkabout,and
alwaysseemtobeinahurry.
10. Youfeelaconstanturgetolookatyoursmartphone,which
youcan’tresistevenwhenyouknowyoushouldexercise
self-control.
11. Youareamanandhaveawomanforaboss.Perhapsyouare
anexception,butresearchersfoundthatmentendtofeelmore
threatenedbyfemalethanmalebosses.
12. Youtendtobecynicalandnegativeaboutmostthings(some
peoplearelikethat).
Threerisksareespeciallyprevalentandpotent.I’vealreadyraisedthefirst.If
youarearoundassholes,youarelikelytocatchthediseasebecausesuchbad
behaviorissocontagious.Recalltheresearchinchapter4byTrevorFoulkand
hiscolleaguesthatshowedhowrudebehaviorspreadslikeacommoncold.They
trackedresearchsubjectswhoengagedinelevensimulatednegotiationsovera
seven-weekperiod,andsubjectswhoencounteredevenonerudepartnerwere
pronetobecome“carriers”andtoberudeduringtheirnextnegotiation(witha
differentpartner).Imaginehowpowerfulsucheffectsarewhenyouare
surroundedwithjerkseveryday,alldaylong.That’swhyitissoriskytohang
outwithorworkwithassholes;youmightvowtoresistinfectionortochange
howthosearoundyoubehave.Butwhenitisyouversusalotofassholes,odds
areyouaregoingtobecomemorelikethem—nottheotherwayaround.We
humansautomaticallyandmindlesslystartmimickingthefacialexpressions,
tone,andlanguagethatsurroundsus.And,ifyouaresurroundedwithjerks,it’s
oftendifficulttosurvivewithoutreturningtheirfire.
Aswe’veseen,therearesomepeople(especiallythosewithMachiavellian
personalities)whodon’tunderstandanythingelse.Theyseeyourkindnessand
cooperationasasignofweakness,ratherthanasafavorthatoughttobe
returned.TherearealsohintsfromthatrecentresearchbyBennettTepperthat
employeeswhopushbackagainstabusivesupervisors—includingbyopenly
refusingtheirordersandrequests—enjoybettermentalhealth.
Inparticular,ifyouareinaLordoftheFliessituation,wherecruelty,
backstabbing,andselfishnessareeverywhere,aprotectivelayerofnastiness
maybetheonlywayyoucansurvivetheonslaught.Aprojectmanagerwroteme
how,athisformerplaceofemployment,“jerksbegotjerks”andsenior
management’smostfavoredunderlings“wereassnideandarrogantasthem,
lashingoutatmorejunioremployeesandusingthemassacrificesfortheir
personalagendas.”Themanageradmitted,“Itbroughtouttheassholeinme,”
andhewas“frequentlyirate,overlyforceful,andoverbearing”because“it
seemedtobetheonlywaytogetthingsdone.”Ofcourse,battlingwithassholes
dayafterdayexactsaterribletoll(evenifyouactlikeonetoo).The“bad
dreams,stress,andfrustration”drovethismanagertoquitandmovetoasmall
company“withastrictnoassholepolicy,”andhisfriendsandfamilyhave
noticedthathe’sbecome“muchnicer,calmer,andmoreconfident.”
Wieldingpoweroverothersisthesecondbigriskthatyouwilleventually
starttreatingotherslikedirt.ProfessorDacherKeltnerfromtheUniversityof
CaliforniaatBerkeleyhasdevotedmorethantwentyyearstostudyingthe
effectsofwieldingpoweroverothersandsimplyfeelingpowerful;thefindings
aren’tpretty.Regardlessofhowkind,cooperative,andempatheticyou’veacted
inthepast,Keltnerandotherpsychologistsshowthatpowercancauseyouto
havelessempathyforothers,toexploitthemmore,tofocusmoreonyourown
needsandlessontheneedsofothers,toberudeanddisrespectful,andtoactlike
therulesdon’tapplytoyou.
Togiveyouataste,Keltnerreportsthatwealthypeoplearemoreproneto
suchunflatteringtendenciesbecause,afterall,beingrichmeansthatyouhave
highsocialstatus,theabilitytoinfluenceothers,andtogetmoreofwhatyou
want—allelementsofpower.Inonestudy,Keltner’sstudentsobservedhow
driversinBerkeleybehavedatabusyfour-waystopthathadheavyautomobile
andpedestriantraffic.Theseresearchersfoundthatdriversintheleastexpensive
cars(e.g.,anoldDodgeColt)cutinfrontofotherdriversattheintersectionless
than10%ofthetimeandalwaysstoppedforpedestrians.Incontrast,those
driversinthemostexpensivecars(e.g.,anewMercedes-Benz)cutinfrontof
otherdriversabout30%ofthetimeandfailedtostopforpedestriansnearly50%
ofthetime.
Ifyouwanttoavoidpowerpoisoning,havingtruth-tellersinyourlifewho
bringyoudownanotchisessential,aswesawwithWinstonChurchill’swife
ClementineandwithmydepartmentchairPeterGlynn.Otherantidotesinclude
practicinghumility,givingcredittolesspowerfulpeople,deferringtopeople
whoarelessprestigiousorwealthythanyou,doingthemfavors,andexpressing
gratitude.Theideaistoenableotherstofeelmorepowerfulandesteemed.And
usetheBenjaminFranklineffect—trytobehaveinwaysthathelpyousee
yourselfasnotbeing“above”fellowhumanbeings—andassomebodywho
consciouslythinksaboutwhatothersfeelandwant(ratherthanjustabout
yourself).
TimBrown,theCEOoftherenownedinnovationfirmIDEO,demonstrates
howthisisdone(fulldisclosure:IamanIDEOfellowandsometimesworkwith
theirclients).AsfirstdescribedonmyWorkMattersblogin2010,Iwenttothe
IDEOofficeinPaloAltoforavisitandwalkeduptothefloorwheremanyof
theseniorleadersinthefirmworked.WhenIturnedthecorner,therewasTim
Brown,sittinginthefrontwhereareceptionistwouldbeinmostworkplaces.
Therewasnogatekeepertokeepeithercolleaguesorrandomvisitorslikemyself
fromwalkingupandinterruptinghim.Iassumedthatthiswasamistake
because,thelasttimeIhadvisited,Timhadaprivateofficeonthatfloor.Iasked
himwhyhewasn’tinhisoffice.Timexplainedhehadabandonedtheofficeand
movedtoaspotthatmadehim“themostpublicpersononthefloor.”
TimtoldmethatmostIDEOseniorleadershadmovedoutoftheirofficestoo
—whichmeantthatwhenaprivateconversationwascalledfor,therewerenow
manysmallconferenceroomsavailable(i.e.,theiroldoffices).Headdedthat
whenhebecametheCEOin2005,hewasgivenhisownofficeforthefirsttime
inhislongcareeratthecompany—whichhefound“vaguelyembarrassingand
frustrating.”Afterawhile,heandotherstriedadifferentapproach,wherethey
wereoutintheopenandhadmorecasualexchangesandtherewerefewer
barriers.Timemphasizedthathisjobwas“togettoknowthepeopleandhow
theywork”and,hesaid,“Ican’tlearnmuchsittinginaprivateoffice.”
ThelessonfromTim’sstoryisn’tthateveryseniorexecutiveoughttomove
outoftheiroffice—openofficeshaveahostofdisadvantages,especiallywhen
organizationsarefilledwithjerks(it’shardertohidefromassholeswhenthere
arenowalls),don’tdiscourageloudtalkandinterruptions,andhavefewplaces
wherepeoplecangoformeetingsandprivateconversations.Rather,thelesson
isthatfindingwaystoreducethe“powerdistance”betweenyouandothersnot
onlydecreasestheirstressbutalsoincreasestheircontributions;italsochanges
howyouseeyourselfinwaysthatcanpreventyoufromactinglikeaselfish
bully.
Effortstodecreaseunnecessarypowerdifferencesarealsoevidentinthelittle
thingsthatpowerfulpeoplesaytoothers.Areaderwrotemewithacharming
illustration.Ithappenedwaybackin1971,whenshewasanextrainamovie
directedbythelatePeterUstinov,anditstillwarmsherheart:
Ihappenedtohaveachancetospeakwithhimduringtheday,buthe
askedmefirst“whoareyou?”(notjustalittleintimidating)andI
replied“oh,nobody,I’mjustanextra.”Hismostlylovelyresponseto
mewas“Youngwoman!Withoutextrasandaudiencesthereisno
movie!”IthinkthoseweretheneatestwordsIeverheardfromaleader
andI’vekeptacalligraphyofitonmywalleversince.
Overloadisthethirdbigrisk.Beinginarush,havingtoomuchtodo,and
havingtoomanydistractionscanturneventhemostcivilizedpersonintoajerk.
ChristinePorath’ssurveysofhundredsofemployeesfromdiverseindustries
foundthatover50%admitthatthey’veengagedinuncivilizedbehavioratwork
attimes—theseareslightssuchasfailingtosay“please”and“thankyou,”
sendingemailsortextsduringmeetings,andbelittlingothers.Asshewrotein
theNewYorkTimesin2015,“Overhalfofthemclaimitisbecausetheyare
overloaded,andmorethan40percentsaytheyhavenotimetobenice.”WhenI
talktomanagersandexecutivesaboutoverload,meetingsareoneoftheprimary
culpritsthattheyidentify.Ifyouwantshortermeetingsthatwillbejustas
effective,justtrystandingupinsteadofsittingdown.Oneexperimentfoundthat
groupsthatstoodupinmeetingstook34%lesstimetomakeadecision
comparedtogroupswherepeoplesatdown,andthequalityoftheirdecisionsdid
notsuffer.
It’sevenbettertogetridofmeetingsaltogether.The“Armeetingeddon”purge
atDropboxin2013illustrateshowtoaccomplishthisfeat—Ilearnedaboutit
afteroneofmyfavoritestudents,RebeccaHinds,wenttoworkatDropboxand
weinvestigatedthestoryfurther.AsRebeccaandIreportedinInc.,thisfast-
growingfile-sharingandstoragecompanywasplaguedwithoverload—people
wereworkingcrazyhours,weregrumpyandsleepdeprived,andkeptmissing
deadlines—itwasaviciouscycle.Partoftheproblemwasthatpeoplewere
spendingmoreandmoretimeinmeetings—andthenumberofpeopleateach
meetinghadballooned.SoseniorexecutivesinstructedITstafferstogointo
eachemployee’sonlinecalendaranddeleteallupcomingmeetings(exceptones
withcustomers).ITalsomadeitimpossibletoenteranymeetingsinthese
calendarsfortwoweeks.
Thispurgewasannouncedwiththebattlecry“Armeetingeddonhaslanded”
inthesubjectlineofanemailsenttoDropboxemployees.This“meeting
subtraction”forcedemployeestothinkabouttheoverloadtheyinflictedon
themselvesandothers.Astheymanuallyreenteredeachupcomingmeetingin
theircalendar,theywereaskedtoconsideriftheyneededitandwhetheritcould
happenlessoften,beshorter,orinvolvefewerpeople.Dropboxalsointroduced
relatedguidelinestocutoverload,includingasuggestedcapofthreetofive
peoplepermeetingandencouragementtowalkoutofanymeetingwhereyou
werenotaddingorlearningenoughtojustifyyourpresencethere.
Multitasking,checkingemails,andusingsmartphonesprobablycontributeto
overloadevenmorethanunnecessarymeetingsformostofus.Thesemodern
necessities—andaddictions—cancauseustobecurt,treatothersasiftheywere
invisible,anddevotetoolittleattentiontoourcolleagues,friends,andfamily,
andtheyenticeustodevotetoomuchattentiontotheirresistibletemptationsof
Facebook,Twitter,Snapchat,Instagram,email,andthelike.InApril2016,the
ScienceDailywebsitereportedthattheCivilityinAmericasurveyof1,005
adultshadfoundthatalmostallAmericans(93%)saidthatcivilitywasa
problemintheUnitedStatesandover50%namedtheInternetandsocialmedia
asaprimarycause(justafterrudepoliticians).
Whenitcomestoovercomingsuchelectronictemptations,eachofusneedsto
exerciseself-control;ithelpstonudgeeachothertoturnoffourphonesandput
themaway.Imposingrulesonyourself—andothersifpossible—canbehelpful
foravoiding“smartphoneattentiondeficitdisorder.”WhenChrisFrywashead
ofengineeringatTwitterin2014,hewasdisturbedthatmembersofhissenior
teamwerelookingattheirsmartphonessomuchthatitundermined
communicationandcivilityduringmeetings.Chris,whoalsohasaPhDin
cognitivepsychology,iswellversedinresearchthatshowshowsmartphones
canturnusintodumbcreatureswhoperformourworklesswellanddevoteless
attentiontoother’sideasandfeelings.SoChrisimplementedapolicywhere
teammemberswererequiredtogivetheirphonestohisexecutiveassistantfor
safekeepingduringmeetings.Oneofhisteammembersevensentoutatweet
thatsaid,“@chfryrulecellphonesmustbedepositedwith@rjsanjosepriorto
thestartofthemeeting”andincludedapictureofsixphonesstashedonatable.
5.Apologizewhenyou’vebehavedlikeanasshole—butonlyifyoureally
meanitandthendoitright. Livingthenoassholerulesometimesmeansthat
whenyou’vetreatedotherslikedirt,youfeelobligedtoapologize.Awell-
craftedapologycanhelpreduceyourtarget’spain,repairyourrelationshipwith
themandbystandersyou’veoffended,improveyourreputation,andprovoke
somesoul-searchingthatenablesyoutolearnfromyourtransgressions.Here’s
howtodoit.
InJune2016,filmdirectorJohnCarneymadeheadlinesandwasravagedon
socialmediaforbelittlingactressKeiraKnightley,oneofthestarsofhis2014
filmBeginAgain.CarneyaccusedKnightleyofhavinganentouragethat
followedhereverywhere,makingit“veryhardtogetanyrealworkdone.”He
alsosaidshecouldn’tsing,andhecomplained,“I’llnevermakeafilmwith
supermodelsagain.”Afewdayslater,asSalon’swebsitereported,Carneysent
outatweetthatsaid,“Fromadirectorwhofeelslikeacompleteidiot”and
includedapitch-perfectapology:
IsaidanumberofthingsaboutKeirawhichwerepetty,meanand
hurtful.I’mashamedofmyselfthatIcouldsaysuchthingsandI’vebeen
tryingtoaccountforwhattheysayaboutme.Intryingtopickholesin
myownwork,Iendedupblamingsomeoneelse.That’snotonlybad
directing,that’sshoddybehaviour,thatIamnotproudof.It’sarrogant
anddisrespectful.Keirawasnothingbutprofessionalanddedicated
duringthefilmandshecontributedhugelytoitssuccess.Iwroteto
Keirapersonallytoapologise,butIwantedtopublicly,and
unreservedlyapologisetoherfansandfriendsandanyoneelsewhoI
haveoffended.It’snotsomethingthatIcouldeverjustify,andwillnever
repeat.
Thesincerityandlackofqualificationinthisapologyisobvious.Butit’s
instructivetouseresearchonthedifferencesbetweengoodandbadapologiesto
understandthenuances.FollowingstudiesbyOhioStateUniversity’sRoy
Lewickiandhiscolleagues,Carney’sapologycontainsthemostimportant
elementofagoodandeffectiveapology:heacknowledgesthatheisclearlyat
fault,itisamistake,andheacceptsfullresponsibilityanddoessowithoutahint
ofwaffling.Carneydoesn’tmaketheclassicerrorofapologizingforher
feelings,ofsayingsomethinglamelike“IamsorryifwhatIsaidmadeyoufeel
bad.”Heownshisactionsbystatingthathiswordswere“petty,meanand
hurtful.”Italsocontainsthesecondmostimportantelementofagoodapology
identifiedinLewicki’sstudies:Carneydidwhathecouldtomakerepairs—he
apologizedtoherprivatelyfirst,theninthispublicforum,andthenpraisedher
performance.
Carneyaddsthreemoreusefultwiststhat,accordingtotheresearch,are
helpfulbutlesscrucialelementsofagoodapology:heexpressesregret,triesto
explainwhyithappened(becauseofhisowninsecurityabouthiswork),and
repentsandcommitstopersonalchangebyassertingitissomethinghe“will
neverrepeat.”HisapologyalsolackssomethingthatLewicki’steamfoundwas
theleastimportantpartofagoodapology(althoughnotsomethingthatis
necessarilydestructive):hedoesn’taskforforgiveness—Isuspectthatwas
somethingCarneyhopedforbutthoughtitbestnottoaskfor,asthatwas
Keira’schoiceandnotsomethingheshouldaskfororinsistupon.
Despitethevirtuesofapologies,twocaveatsareinorder.First,ifyoufeelas
ifsomeonehastreatedyoulikedirt,demandingthattheyapologizetoyourarely
works.Giventhatsomanyassholesareclueless,theymayrespondthatYOUare
theonewhoshouldapologize(andmayevenberight).Andevenifyou
browbeatthemsomuchthattheygiveinanddoapologize,it’sunlikelytobe
sincere.
Second,ifyoufindyourselfapologizingagainandagainforbeinganasshole,
it’stimetostop.It’sprobablyasignthatyouareusingapologiesasasubstitute
forlearningandtoningdownyouract.Andtheimpactonyourvictimswill
diminishastheytireofthecycleofabuse,apology,followedbymoreabuse,and
thenmoreapologies.That’swhathappenedtothePhDstudentthatIwroteabout
inchapter4whoused“therhythmmethod”todecreasethefrequencyof
encounterswithherabusivedissertationadvisor.Ittookthestudentawhileto
realizehowdestructiveheradvisorwasbecause,afterastringofabusiveemails,
calls,andconversations,theadvisorwouldthengothrougha“heartsand
flowers”stage—appearremorseful,makepromisestobehavebetter,andappeal
toherforgivingnature.Shetoldmethat“hewouldsometimessendme
personalizedpoetryviaemailaboutour‘great’relationship,leavetouching
songsonmyvoicemail,complimentme,andevencrytearsinmeetingsandsay
thathewasafraidIwouldleavehimtoworkwithsomeoneelse.”Thenthe
advisorsoonreturnedtohisabusiveways.Eventually,thestudentsawthrough
the“heartsandflowers”nonsenseand“learnedtostoprespondingentirelyto
anythingunprofessional.”Sheconcludedthatthisadvisor,whetherherealizedit
ornot,wasusingthisploytoweakenthedefensesthatshewouldneedafterhe
returnedtohisusualdemeaninganddisrespectfulways.
6.Areyouatoxicenabler? Youmaynottreatpeoplelikedirt,butyoumay
fuelassholeproblemsbyservingasatoxicenablerforoneormorebullies—
whetheryourealizeitornot.Toxicenablersmakeiteasierforjerkstodotheir
dirtydeedsandtoavoidsufferingthenegativeconsequencesoftheirdestructive
behavior.Ahallmarkof“successful”assholesisthattheyrecruit,entice,orbribe
toxicenablerstocleanupthemessestheyleavebehind—muchlikethecleanup
crewthatpicksupthetrashandpoopafterthecircusparadesthroughatown.
PeterFrost,inToxicEmotionsatWork,describesthesecharactersaspartofa
“goodcop/badcopconfiguration,”whichoftenbeginswhentheenableror
“handler”realizesthatthepaininflictedbyanabusivebossneedstobemanaged
andthebossrealizesthat“thingsgomoresmoothly”whentheenablerdoes
“peoplework”tosoftentheblowsandpickupthepiecesafterhisorher
emotionalstorms.Frostdescribesatoxicseniorexecutivewhobroughtthesame
“chieflieutenant”withhimtoaseriesofrolesoverafifteen-yearstretch.After
meetingswherethebosshadattackedpeoplewithangrytirades,forexample,the
enabler“wouldwalkfromofficetooffice,explainingtheboss’s‘real’opinions
andassuringpeoplehewasnotasangryasheseemed.”Themostdestructive
enablersalsopreventtoxictormentorsfromfacingtheiruglyselvesbyassuring
themthattheirbehaviorisunderstandableoracceptable,thattheirvictims
deservedit,orperhapsassuringthemthatwhiletheydidblowitthistime,that’s
notwhothey“really”are(eveniftheyareallassholeallthetime).
AsFrostimplies,ifyouplaysucharole,youarepartoftheproblemrather
thanthesolution.Althoughskilled“handlers”providetemporaryrelieffor
victimsandabusers,theycan“enablepeopleandorganizationalsystemsto
continuegeneratingpain,yearafteryear,withnocorrectiveconsequences,they
ineffect‘coverup’thesourcesofpain—toeveryone’sdetriment.”Italkedwith
theformersecondincommandofalargeSiliconValleycompanywhoadmitted
thathespentnearlyadecadecoolingoutandcalmingdownthelegionsofupset
peoplewhohadbeenbruisedbyhisinfamouslytemperamental,vindictive,and
impatientCEO.Ittookhimyearstorealizethat,ratherthanservingasan
antidotetotheCEO’spoison,hewasmakingthingsworse.
Ifyouareaboss,youarealsoatoxicenablerifyoumakeexcusesfor
destructiveunderlingsandinstructtheirdamagedcolleaguestotoughenup—
ratherthandoingyourjobanddealingwiththeculprits’badbehavior.For
example,Iheardfromareaderwhohadbeenmovednexttoa“foulmouthed,
loud,nosey,bossy,opinionated,illiterate,judgmental,arrogant,andjustplain
nasty”teammate.Hewrote,“Within30daysofthisexposure,Iwasinthe
hospitaldiagnosedwithaduodenalulcer.”Toprovehowloudhistormentor
was,thereaderboughtadecibelmeterandmeasuredhervolume.Theemailhe
sentmeincluded“aphotoofthemetershowingalevelof44.1decibelswhen
sheisNOTintheoffice,”“aphotoshowingamachineshopduringtheprocess
ofcuttingakeywayinasteelhubat72.3decibels,”andapicturetakenwhenhis
coworkerwas“onthephonegivingsomeonehellat85.8decibels.”
Whenthisbeleagueredreaderwenttohisbosstocomplainandthreatento
quit,hewastold“tojustletherBSgoinoneearandouttheother.”Thereader
wasthefourthpersonontheteamtogetthesameadvicefromtheirbossabout
dealingwiththisabusiveloudmouth—andtheyeachconcludedthatneithertheir
bossnoranyoneelseinthecompanyhadthecouragetodiscipline,move,orfire
theirhorriblecolleague.Thatspinelessbosswasaclassictoxicenabler.Ifyou
areinmanagementandrespondtocomplaintsandevidenceaboutanabusive
employeebytellingtheirvictimstosuckitup,andyoudon’tdoathingto
changeorremovetheoffender,youareindeedpartoftheproblemratherthan
thesolution.
7.Doalittletimetravel. Inchapter5,Idescribedhowthehumancapacityfor
“mentaltimetravel”caneasethepaincausedbyacurrentasshole—howithelps
totellyourselfthatwhatfeelssoawfulnowwillbenobigdealafteritendsand
youlookbackonitlater.Thissamesuperpowercanbeharnessedtohelpyou
livethenoassholerule.Asthereaderquotedattheoutsetofthischaptersaid,
“Nooneeversays,whentheyareontheirdeathbed,‘IwishIhadbeen
meaner.’”ThatsayingremindsmeofaformerFBIagentwhowrotemethathe
is“arecoveringasshole”andhow,justlikearecoveringalcoholic,it’s
somethingthatheneedstofight“onedayatatime.”Thisguywasashamedof
hispastbadbehavior.Later,whenhelooksbackonhislife,hewantstofeel
proudofhowhetreatedothersafterhisrecoverycommenced—andthatframing
ofhislifehelpshimtotreatthepeoplearoundhiminmorecivilizedwaysday
afterday.
Thisbrandofimaginarytimetravelisamongmyfavoriteresearch-based
meansforbringingoutthebestandstiflingtheworstinpeople.Itentails
decidingwhattodotodaybasedonhowyouwanttofeelwhenyoulookback
fromthefuture.Whenitcomestolivingthenoassholerule,thismeansthat
(muchlikethatformerFBIagent),asyoumovethrougheachday,it’susefulto
pretendthatit’saday,aweek,amonth,orayearlater—andthatyoufeelproud
ofhowyouhaverespondedtoandtreatedothers.Thinkaboutthenuancesof
whatyoumusthavedone.Whatdidyoudotoprotectyourselffromthe
demeaningpeoplethatyoufaced?Howdidyouquelltheirhostilityandfight
back?Whatactionsdidyoudototreatotherswithdignityandrespect?
Sotakealookbackfromyourimaginaryfuture.Itcanhelpyoudotheright
thingrightnow.
OFPLANSANDPORCUPINES
Athoughtbeforewego:it’sonyouANDyouarenotalone.
Thesetwointertwinedideasprovideanicecompactsummaryofhowtodeal
withanygivenassholeproblem.Theyalsorevealmuchaboutwhysuch
problemsareaninevitablepartofthehumancondition—andhowwecanavoid
drivingeachothercrazydespiteallthepressuresandtemptationstodoso.
TheAssholeSurvivalGuideemphasizesthatifyoufeeloppressed,
disrespected,demeaned,orde-energizedbyothers,it’sonyoutocreate,
implement,andkeeprefiningyourplan.Thestudies,stories,andtechniqueshere
providefodderforcraftingyourcustomsurvivalstrategy(afterall,thereareno
surefire,one-size-fits-allsolutions).Andbyrealizingyouarenotalone,by
turningtopeoplerangingfromfellowtargetstofriendsandtoyourfamilyfor
supportandwisdom,youbolsteryourchancesofconstructingbetterplans,
travelingthroughdifficultdayswithdignityandgrace,andemergingfromitall
asastrongerperson.
“It’sonme”and“Iamnotalone”alsoreflecttheopposingforcesthatcreate
assholeproblemsinthefirstplace.Weareeachresponsiblefortakingcareof
ourselves.Atthesametime,weneedotherpeopleforemotionalandphysical
sustenance,andothersneedsustenancefromus.Alongtheway,sometimeswe
askfortoomuchfromthem,theyaskfortoomuchfromus,andwebruiseeach
other’sspirit.Ourcollectivechallengeistogetwhatweneedfromeachother
withouthurtingeachother.
HarvardUniversitybiologistEdwardO.WilsonrelatesacharmingGerman
fablefromhiscolleaguePaulLeyhausenthatcapturestheessenceofthese
tensionsandhowpeoplecanbandtogethertodealwiththem.It’saboutagroup
ofporcupinesthathuddledforwarmthonefreezingnight.Butastheyhuddled,
theypokedeachotherwiththeirspines.Sotheymovedapartandthengottoo
cold.Leyhausenconcludes,“Aftershufflingrepeatedlyinandout,they
eventuallyfoundadistanceatwhichtheycouldstillbecomfortablywarm
withoutgettingpricked.Thisdistancetheyhenceforthcalleddecencyandgood
manners.”
Thoseporcupinesarealotlikepeople.Ifweeachtookituponourselvesto
shareasmuchwarmthwithothersaspossiblewithoutinjuringthemor
ourselves,therewouldbemoreplacesinfusedwithdecencyandgoodmanners,
andfarfewerassholes,onthisplanet.
YourStoriesandIdeas
DearReader,
Asyou’veseenthroughoutTheAssholeSurvivalGuide,I’velearnedagreat
dealfrompeoplewhohavesentmetheirstoriesandadvice.Let’skeepitgoing.
Ifyouwouldliketosendmeanemailaboutyourexperienceswithassholes,
whatyou’velearnedaboutescaping,enduring,ordefeatingthem,oranything
elserelatedtodealingwithdemeaninganddisrespectfulpeople,pleasesenditto
nomorejerks@gmail.com.Ireadeveryemailanddomybesttoanswereachone.
Pleasenotethat,bysendingmeyourstory,youaregivingmepermissiontouse
itinthethingsthatIwriteandsay.BUTIpromisenottouseyournameunless
yougivemeexplicitpermission.Ialsoinviteyoutofollow,tweetto,ormessage
meonTwitter@work_matters.
Thanks,andIlookforwardtolearningfromyou.
RobertSutton
StanfordUniversity
Acknowledgments
DURINGTHEYEARORSOthatIdevotedmydaystowritingthisbook,whenpeople
askedwhatIwasdoing,Ioftenjoked,“Iamtryingtotypemywayoutof
solitaryconfinementinmygarage.”Thatanswerwasbothtrueandfalse.Itwas
truebecauseIwroteTheAssholeSurvivalGuideinthelittlestudyinmygarage,
andtheonlywaytoescapewastofinishthething.Asanyauthorcantellyou,
longstretchesofsoloconcentrationarerequiredtofinishanybook.Butthatjoke
ismisleadingbecauseitimpliesthatthisbookwasasoloeffort.Itwouldhave
beenimpossibletowriteitwithoutsomuchhelp(andtoleranceformymany
quirks)fromsomanytalented,patient,andaltruisticcolleagues,friends,and
family.
Twopeopleplayedespeciallycrucialroles.ProfessorKatyDeCellesfromthe
UniversityofTorontovisitedStanfordduringthe2015–2016academicyear.
Katynotonlygavememanyideasforthebookfromherresearch,studies
conductedbyotherscholars,andhercreativityandcommonsense—she
encouragedmetostartitand,later,finishitatjunctureswheremymotivation
hadwaned.ThesecondkeypersonisMichaelDearing,aventurecapitalistand
formerseniorexecutivewithwhomItaughtinnovationclassesatStanfordfor
years.Fornearlyadecadenow,Michaelhasnudgedme(andsometimes
badgeredme)towritethisbook.HearguedthatIowedmyreadersmuchdeeper
adviceabouthowtodealwithassholes.And,givenMichael’sstrongsalesand
marketingbackground,heurgedmetowritethisbooktostrengthenmyclaimto
the“holefranchise.”
IthankStanfordcolleaguesSteveBarley,TomByers,PeterGlynn,Chip
Heath,PamHinds,DavidKelley,PerryKlebahn,HuggyRao,BernieRoth,Tina
Seelig,KathrynSegovia,JeremyUtley,andMelissaValentinefortheirvaried
andprovocativesuggestionsandinsights.Andasalways,IthankJeffPfeffer.As
usual,hedisagreeswithsomeofmyconclusionsandadvice,andhasforcedme
tothinkmoredeeplyaboutmyideas.Ialsoappreciatetheideasand
encouragementfromacademicsandauthorsoutsideofStanford,including
MichelAnteby,EricBarker,LaszloBock,AdamGrant,JuliaKirby,DanPink,
ChristinePorath,andBennettTepper.Asmallarmyofskilledandpatient
Stanfordstaffrepeatedlysavedmefrommyselfduringthepasttwoyearsorso
includingLoriCottle,TimKeely,PaulMarca,MarilynnRose,RonieShilo,
DanielleSteussy,andespeciallyMattHarvey.FormerStanfordstudentsDeanna
Badizadegan,RebeccaHinds,andJoachimBendixLyonhelpedwiththe
researchforthisbookalongtheway.
Iamgratefultothethousandsofpeoplewhosentmeemailswiththeir
“assholestories,”andtoldmesuchstoriesinperson,onthephone,orviasocial
media.AlthoughIcan’tnamemostofyou,yourquestions,suggestions,
suffering,joy,andhumorinspiredmetowritethisbookandshapeditin
hundredsofways.IalsothankthosecontributorswhoIcannamefortheir
storiesandsuggestions,includingIDEO’sTimBrown,Pixar’sEdCatmull,
formerSalesforceandTwitterexecutiveChrisFry,TwitterexecutiveSteve
Green,PhilzCoffeeCEOJacobJaber,theBillionsInstitute’sBeckyMargiotta
(forherstoriesaboutbeingaWestPointcadet),formerNetflixexecutiveand
all-aroundstraight-talkerPattyMcCord,Baird’sPaulPurcell,JetBlue’sBonny
Simi,andtheWallStreetJournal’sJasonZweig.
ChristyFletcherismypersistent,wise,andsupportiveliteraryagent.Christy
notonlyprovidedencouragement,advice,andskillededitingontheproposal,
andsoldthisbooktotherighteditorandpublisherforme—sheisadeptat
givingmecandidfeedbackwhenIpushaneditororpublishertoohardonsome
minorpoint(andencouragingmetopushbackevenharderatothertimes).Iam
gratefultotheskilledteamatFletcher&Company,includingHillaryBlack,
MelissaChinchillo,GráinneFox,SarahFuentes,VeronicaGoldstein,Sylvie
Greenberg,andErinMcFaddenfortheallthewaysthattheysteerthisandmy
otherbookprojectsthroughthecrazyrules,traditions,andcharactersinthebook
publishingindustry.
ThebestpartofwritingthisbookhasbeenworkingwithRickWolff;healso
editedTheNoAssholeRuleandGoodBoss,BadBoss,soweknoweachother
well.Rickisajoytoworkwith.Heisrelentlesslysupportiveandencouraging,
understandsmyweaknessesandhowtodampenthem,andisparticularlyadept
atrepairingmygarbledandover-the-toptextwithoutflatteningthespiritor
distortingtheargumentsorevidence.IamdelightedthatRickhasjoinedBruce
NicholsatHoughtonMifflinHarcourt;BrucehasbeenequallysupportiveofThe
AssholeSurvivalGuide.AndIamtickledtobereunitedwithBrucetoo,ashe
didawonderfuljobasmyeditorforWeirdIdeasThatWorkbackin2001,which
wasmyfirstsole-authoredbook.IamgratefultoRosemaryMcGuinnessfor
shepherdingthebookthroughHMH’ssometimesmysterioussystem.Ithankthe
charmingDanielCrewefromPenguinRandomHouse(whichpublishesthis
bookintheUnitedKingdom)forhisthoughtfulcommentsandsuggestions.And
IthankJustinGammon,BrianMoore,BeckySaikia-Wilson,ChrisSergio,and
MichaelaSullivanfortheirpatienceandpersistenceindevelopingsomesixty-
fiveprototypesofthecoverdesign,includingoverthirtyvariationsofthe“Alka-
Seltzer”conceptthatweultimatelyselected.
IneverthoughtthatIwouldusethewords“fun”and“copyediting”inthe
samesentence.Buthereitcomes.IamgratefultocopyeditorKristinVorce
Duranfortakingthetimetounderstandmywritingstyleandgoalsbeforeher
workbegan,andforcommunicatingwithmesowellattheoutsetandalongthe
way.Kristinwascarefulandskilled,andchangedthebookforthebetterin
hundredsoflittleways,butnevertrampledonmywritingvoice.SoIam
surprised,butdelighted,tosaythat,forthefirsttimeinmylife,thecopyediting
processwasdownrightfun.
Finally,thisbookisdedicatedtomythreechildren,Eve,Claire,andTyler.
Now,asyoungadults,theytellmemanyinspiring,funny,andhorrifyingtales
aboutnavigatingaround,andsometimesbattling,thedifficultandoppressive
peoplethattheyencounter.IloveandappreciateeachofyoumorethanIcan
express.AndIoweeverythingtomywife,Marina.Herpatience,wisdom,
candor,andnonstoplovemakelifebettereverydayforEve,Claire,Tyler,and
me.Marina’scompassionforeverypersonthatsheencountersinthislifestill
astoundsmeevenafterallouryearstogether.
Notes
1.EIGHTTHOUSANDEMAILS
Itallstarted:RobertI.Sutton,TheNoAssholeRule:BuildingaCivilized
WorkplaceandSurvivingOneThatIsn’t(NewYork:BusinessPlus,2007).
follow-upquestions:Thisbookpresentsaccuratereflectionsoftheemails,media
reports,personalexperiences,conversations,andinterviewsthatIcollected.
Formostemailsandsomeobservations,conversations,andexperiences,I
havenotnamedthepartiesinvolvedtoprotecttheconfidentialitythatI
promisedtopeoplewhotoldmetheirstores.Andinfewerthanhalfadozen
cases,Ihavechangedinformationincludinggender,location,andoccupation
toprotecttheidentityofpeoplewhowereespeciallyconcernedabout
revealingtheirnamesorthoseoftheirtormentors.
“dudesandbros”:TuckerMax,AssholesFinishFirst(NewYork:Simon&
Schuster,2011).
rudeAmericanhealth-careexpert:AriehRiskin,AmirErez,TrevorA.Foulk,
AmirKugelman,AyalaGover,IritShoris,KinneretS.Riskin,andPeterA.
Bamberger,“TheImpactofRudenessonMedicalTeamPerformance:A
RandomizedTrial,”Pediatrics136,no.3(2015):487–495.
morecivilizedpatients:H.G.Schmidt,TamaravanGog,StephanieC.E.Schuit,
KeesVandenBerge,PaulL.A.VanDaele,HermanBueving,TimVander
Zee,WalterW.VandenBroek,JanL.C.M.VanSaase,andSílviaMamede,
“DoPatients’DisruptiveBehavioursInfluencetheAccuracyofaDoctor’s
Diagnosis?ARandomisedExperiment,”BMJQuality&Safety26,no.1
(2017):19–23.
studiesofbulliedchildren:ShelleyHymelandSusanM.Swearer,“Four
DecadesofResearchonSchoolBullying:AnIntroduction,”American
Psychologist70,no.4(2015):293.
Researchonworkplaceassholes:BasedonreviewsincludingBirgitSchynsand
JanSchilling,“HowBadAretheEffectsofBadLeaders?AMeta-Analysisof
DestructiveLeadershipandItsOutcomes,”LeadershipQuarterly24,no.1
(2013):138–158;Al-KarimSamnaniandParbudyalSingh,“20Yearsof
WorkplaceBullyingResearch:AReviewoftheAntecedentsand
ConsequencesofBullyingintheWorkplace,”AggressionandViolent
Behavior17,no.6(2012):581–589.
Newnurses:PeggyA.Berry,GordonL.Gillespie,DonnaGates,andJohn
Schafer,“NoviceNurseProductivityFollowingWorkplaceBullying,”
JournalofNursingScholarship44,no.1(2012):80–87.
Serviceemployees:MoWang,SongqiLiu,HuiLiao,YapingGong,John
Kammeyer-Mueller,andJunqiShi,“Can’tGetItOutofMyMind:Employee
RuminationAfterCustomerMistreatmentandNegativeMoodintheNext
Morning,”JournalofAppliedPsychology98,no.6(2013):989.
whoobservecustomersabusing:KathryneE.Dupré,Kimberly-AnneDawe,and
JulianBarling,“HarmtoThoseWhoServe:EffectsofDirectandVicarious
Customer-InitiatedWorkplaceAggression,”JournalofInterpersonal
Violence29,no.13(2014):2355–2377.
selectingorbreedingabusiveteamleaders:DongLiu,HuiLiao,andRaymond
Loi,“TheDarkSideofLeadership:AThree-LevelInvestigationofthe
CascadingEffectofAbusiveSupervisiononEmployeeCreativity,”Academy
ofManagementJournal55,no.5(2012):1187–1212.
$23.8billionayear:BennettJ.Tepper,MichelleK.Duffy,ChristineA.Henle,
andLisaSchurerLambert,“ProceduralInjustice,VictimPrecipitation,and
AbusiveSupervision,”PersonnelPsychology59,no.1(2006):101–123.
deathsfromheartdisease:MikaKivimäki,JaneE.Ferrie,EricBrunner,Jenny
Head,MartinJ.Shipley,JussiVahtera,andMichaelG.Marmot,“Justiceat
WorkandReducedRiskofCoronaryHeartDiseaseAmongEmployees:The
WhitehallIIStudy,”ArchivesofInternalMedicine165,no.19(2005):2245–
2251.
dealwithpossibleassholes:RobertI.Sutton,TheNoAssholeRule:Buildinga
CivilizedWorkplaceandSurvivingOneThatIsn’t(NewYork:BusinessPlus,
2010,paperbackedition),197.
nationalsurveys:2014WBIU.S.WorkplaceBullyingSurvey,accessedOctober
26,2016,http://www.workplacebullying.org/wbiresearch/wbi-2014-us-
survey/;2007WBIU.S.WorkplaceBullyingSurvey,accessedOctober26,
2016,http://www.workplacebullying.org/multi/pdf/WBIsurvey2007.pdf.
2.ASSHOLEASSESSMENT:HOWBADISTHEPROBLEM?
“targetedafalseaccusationatyou”:KathryneE.Dupré,JulianBarling,and
Kimberly-AnneDawe,“HarmtoThoseWhoServe:EffectsofDirectand
VicariousCustomer-InitiatedWorkplaceAggression,”Journalof
InterpersonalViolence29,no.13(2014):2355–2377,2364.
AbusiveSupervisionScale:BennettJ.Tepper,“ConsequencesofAbusive
Supervision,”AcademyofManagementJournal43,no.2(2000):178–190.
“TheRudeStrangerinEverydayLife”:PhilipR.Smith,TimothyL.Phillips,
andRyanD.King,Incivility:TheRudeStrangerinEverydayLife
(Cambridge,MA:CambridgeUniversityPress,2010),25,27.
“cognitiveminefield”:DanielKahneman,Thinking,FastandSlow(NewYork:
Macmillan,2011),417.
“Don’tjustdosomething,standthere”:JeromeE.Groopman,HowDoctors
Think(Boston:HoughtonMifflin,2007),169.
“hardenedtootherpeopleingeneral”:Smith,Phillips,andKing,Incivility,
119.
abusivesupervision:JeremyD.Mackey,RachelE.Frieder,JeremyR.Brees,
andMarkJ.Martinko,“AbusiveSupervision:AMeta-AnalysisandEmpirical
Review,”JournalofManagement(2015),doi:10.1177/0149206315573997.
bulliedschoolchildren:See,forexample,AmyL.GowerandIrisW.Borowsky,
“AssociationsBetweenFrequencyofBullyingInvolvementandAdjustment
inAdolescence,”AcademicPediatrics13,no.3(2013):214–221.
“worseaboutthemselves”:RobertI.Sutton,TheNoAssholeRule:Buildinga
CivilizedWorkplaceandSurvivingOneThatIsn’t(NewYork:BusinessPlus,
2007),11.
selfishandgreedytheybecome:YoramBaumanandElainaRose,“Selectionor
Indoctrination:WhyDoEconomicsStudentsDonateLessThantheRest?”
JournalofEconomicBehavior&Organization79,no.3(2011):318–327.
strategicnastiness:BarryM.Staw,KatherineA.DeCelles,andPeterDegoey,
“LeadershipintheLockerRoom:TheEffectofCoaches’UnpleasantEmotion
atHalftimeonSubsequentTeamPerformance”(unpublishedmanuscript,
UniversityofCaliforniaatBerkeley,2015).
“oppositesattract”:RobertB.Cialdini,Influence:ThePsychologyof
Persuasion,rev.ed.(NewYork:HarperBusiness,2006).
“TheWaiterSpitinMySoup!”:EmilyM.HunterandLisaM.Penney,“The
WaiterSpitinMySoup!AntecedentsofCustomer-Directed
CounterproductiveWorkBehavior,”HumanPerformance27,no.3(2014):
262–281.
justjerkspretendingtobeorganizations:BarryM.Staw,“DressingUpLikean
Organization:WhenPsychologicalTheoriesCanExplainOrganizational
Action,”JournalofManagement17,no.4(1991):805–819.
“persecuteandinflictmisery”:CarlosCastaneda,TheFirefromWithin(New
York:Simon&Schuster,1984),17.
“don’thaveadmirationorrespectforit”:NathanaelJ.Fast,NirHalevy,and
AdamD.Galinsky,“TheDestructiveNatureofPowerWithoutStatus,”
JournalofExperimentalSocialPsychology48,no.1(2012):391–394.
GiveandTake:AdamGrant,GiveandTake:WhyHelpingOthersDrivesOur
Success(NewYork:Penguin,2013).
3.MAKEACLEANGETAWAY
spatat,tailgated:PhilipR.Smith,TimothyL.Phillips,andRyanD.King,
Incivility:TheRudeStrangerinEverydayLife(Cambridge,MA:Cambridge
UniversityPress,2010)25.
moreabuseinthefuture:DanaYagil,“WhentheCustomerIsWrong:AReview
ofResearchonAggressionandSexualHarassmentinServiceEncounters,”
AggressionandViolentBehavior13,no.2(2008):141–152.
quittheirjobs:BennettJ.Tepper,“ConsequencesofAbusiveSupervision,”
AcademyofManagementJournal43,no.2(2000):178–190.
taketheirbusinesselsewhere:ChristinePorath,DebbieMacInnis,andValerie
Folkes,“WitnessingIncivilityAmongEmployees:EffectsonConsumer
AngerandNegativeInferencesAboutCompanies,”JournalofConsumer
Research37,no.2(2010):292–303.
“ourlivessunkintoit”:RobertI.Sutton,TheNoAssholeRule:Buildinga
CivilizedWorkplaceandSurvivingOneThatIsn’t(NewYork:BusinessPlus,
2007),98.
negativereactionsintheirsupervisors:AnthonyC.KlotzandMarkC.Bolino,
“SayingGoodbye:TheNature,Causes,andConsequencesofEmployee
ResignationStyles,”JournalofAppliedPsychology101,no.10(2016):1386.
“peopleleavebosses,notcompanies”:RobertI.Sutton,GoodBoss,BadBoss:
HowtoBetheBest...andLearnfromtheWorst(NewYork:BusinessPlus,
2010).
moreprestigiousanddignifiedwork:NathalieLouit-Martinod,CécileChanut-
Guieu,CathelKornig,andPhilippeMéhaut,“‘AplusDansleBus’:Work-
RelatedStressAmongFrenchBusDrivers,”SAGEOpen6,no.1(2016),doi:
10.1177/2158244016629393.
debatesviatextmessages:NoamLapidot-LeflerandAzyBarak,“Effectsof
Anonymity,Invisibility,andLackofEye-ContactonToxicOnline
Disinhibition,”ComputersinHumanBehavior28,no.2(2012):434–443.
“andhowyoudoit”:QuotefromSutton,GoodBoss,BadBoss,183.
4.ASSHOLEAVOIDANCETECHNIQUES:REDUCINGYOUR
EXPOSURE
treatotherslikedirt:M.SandyHershcovisandTaraC.Reich,“Integrating
WorkplaceAggressionResearch:Relational,Contextual,andMethod
Considerations,”JournalofOrganizationalBehavior34,no.S1(2013):S26–
S42.
“stresscontagion”:EvaOberleandKimberlyA.Schonert-Reichl,“Stress
ContagionintheClassroom?TheLinkBetweenClassroomTeacherBurnout
andMorningCortisolinElementarySchoolStudents,”SocialScience&
Medicine159(2016):30–37.
“likethecommoncold”:TrevorFoulk,AndrewWoolum,andAmirErez,
“CatchingRudenessIsLikeCatchingaCold:TheContagionEffectsofLow-
IntensityNegativeBehaviors,”JournalofAppliedPsychology101,no.1
(2016):50.
closerpeoplesattooneanother:ThomasJ.Allen,ManagingtheFlowof
Technology:TechnologyTransferandtheDisseminationofTechnological
InformationWithintheR&DOrganization(Cambridge,MA:MITPress
Books,1984).
viaemail,texts,andsocialmedia:DavidKrackhardt,“Constraintsonthe
InteractiveOrganizationasanIdealType,”NetworksintheKnowledge
Economy(Oxford:OxfordUniversityPress,2003),324–335;BenWaber,
JenniferMagnolfi,andGregLindsay,“WorkspacesThatMovePeople,”
HarvardBusinessReview92,no.10(2014):68–77.
workplacebullies:PamelaLutgen-Sandvik,“TakeThisJoband...:Quitting
andOtherFormsofResistancetoWorkplaceBullying,”Communication
Monographs73,no.4(2006):406–433.
“toobusytogototheoffice”:Lutgen-Sandvik,“TakeThisJoband...,”419.
“aggressiveconductdisorder”:JeanDecety,KalinaJ.Michalska,Yuko
Akitsuki,andBenjaminB.Lahey,“AtypicalEmpathicResponsesin
AdolescentswithAggressiveConductDisorder:AFunctionalMRI
Investigation,”BiologicalPsychology80,no.2(2009):203–211.
interviewingtherealcollectors:RobertI.Sutton,“MaintainingNormsAbout
ExpressedEmotions:TheCaseofBillCollectors,”AdministrativeScience
Quarterly36,no.2(1991):245–268.
“theystarttotoneitdown”:Sutton,“MaintainingNorms,”262.
distressingandboringwork:CurtisK.ChanandMichelAnteby,“Task
SegregationasaMechanismforWithin-JobInequality:WomenandMenof
theTransportationSecurityAdministration,”AdministrativeScience
Quarterly61,no.2(2016):184–216;MichelAntebyandCurtisK.Chan,
“BeingSeenandGoingUnnoticed”(unpublishedmanuscript,Harvard
BusinessSchool,2012).
“interchangeablemassoftravelers”:AntebyandChan,“BeingSeen,”29.
“dealwiththematall”:ChanandAnteby,“TaskSegregation,”198.
“hisorhercharges”:RobertI.Sutton,GoodBoss,BadBoss:HowtoBethe
Best...andLearnfromtheWorst(NewYork:BusinessPlus,2010),154.
flakcatchersare“lightningrods”:PaulG.Friedman,“HassleHandling:Front-
LineDiplomacyintheWork-Place,”BusinessCommunicationQuarterly47,
no.1(1984):30–33.
“joltssentbythedissatisfied”:Friedman,“HassleHandling,”30.
sparesdentists:AlmaM.Rodríguez‐Sánchez,JariJ.Hakanen,RikuPerhoniemi,
andMarisaSalanova,“WithaLittleHelpfromMyAssistant:Bufferingthe
NegativeEffectsofEmotionalDissonanceonDentistPerformance,”
CommunityDentistryandOralEpidemiology41,no.5(2013):415–423.
oronstage,performances:ErvingGoffman,ThePresentationofSelfin
EverydayLife(Harmondsworth:Penguin,1978).
pinchherbehind:RobertI.Sutton,TheNoAssholeRule:BuildingaCivilized
WorkplaceandSurvivingOneThatIsn’t(NewYork:BusinessPlus,2007),
21–22.
bathroomsasbackstageareas:SpencerE.Cahill,WilliamDistler,Cynthia
Lachowetz,AndreaMeaney,RobynTarallo,andTeenaWillard,“Meanwhile
Backstage:PublicBathroomsandtheInteractionOrder,”Journalof
ContemporaryEthnography14,no.1(1985):33–58.
“demandsofpubliclife”:Cahill,Distler,Lachowetz,Meaney,Tarallo,and
Willard,“MeanwhileBackstage,”37.
“weptforseveralminutes”:Cahill,Distler,Lachowetz,Meaney,Tarallo,and
Willard,“MeanwhileBackstage,”50.
5.MINDTRICKSTHATPROTECTYOURSOUL
moreconstructivebehaviors:JudithS.Beck,CognitiveBehaviorTherapy:
BasicsandBeyond(NewYork:GuilfordPress,2011).
researchonsuchreframing:AdamL.Alter,JoshuaAronson,JohnM.Darley,
CordaroRodriguez,andDianeN.Ruble,“RisingtotheThreat:Reducing
StereotypeThreatbyReframingtheThreatasaChallenge,”Journalof
ExperimentalSocialPsychology46,no.1(2010):166–171.
emotionalshelter:DanaYagil,HasidaBen-Zur,andInbalTamir,“Do
EmployeesCopeEffectivelywithAbusiveSupervisionatWork?An
ExploratoryStudy,”InternationalJournalofStressManagement18,no.1
(2011):5.
nastyrumorsaboutthem:BernardoMoreno-Jiménez,AlfredoRodríguez-
Muñoz,JuanCarlosPastor,AnaIsabelSanz-Vergel,andEvaGarrosa,“The
ModeratingEffectsofPsychologicalDetachmentandThoughtsofRevengein
WorkplaceBullying,”PersonalityandIndividualDifferences46,no.3
(2009):359–364.
“interpretationsfortheirbehavior”:Beck,CognitiveBehaviorTherapy,182.
picturesofangrypeople:JensBlechert,GalSheppes,CarolinaDiTella,Hants
Williams,andJamesJ.Gross,“SeeWhatYouThink:ReappraisalModulates
BehavioralandNeuralResponsestoSocialStimuli,”PsychologicalScience
23,no.4(2012):346–353.
inU.S.stateprisons:KatherineDeCellesandMichelAnteby,“Caringinthe
Clink:HowAgentsofTotalInstitutionsShowEmpathyforCaptives”
(unpublishedmanuscript,UniversityofToronto,2016).
blamedfortheirplight:DeCellesandAnteby,“CaringintheClink,”32–34.
“timewoundsallheels”:RobertI.Sutton,TheNoAssholeRule:Buildinga
CivilizedWorkplaceandSurvivingOneThatIsn’t(NewYork:BusinessPlus,
2007),26.
“lessdisastrousconclusion”:Beck,CognitiveBehaviorTherapy,181.
Unforgivingthoughtshadtheoppositeeffects:CharlottevanOyenWitvliet,
ThomasE.Ludwig,andKellyL.VanderLaan,“GrantingForgivenessor
HarboringGrudges:ImplicationsforEmotion,Physiology,andHealth,”
PsychologicalScience12,no.2(2001):117–123.
researchonbulliedschoolchildren:LukeA.EganandNatashaTodorov,
“ForgivenessasaCopingStrategytoAllowSchoolStudentstoDealwiththe
EffectsofBeingBullied:TheoreticalandEmpiricalDiscussion,”Journalof
SocialandClinicalPsychology28,no.2(2009):198.
coatedinhumororsarcasm:RodA.Martin,ThePsychologyofHumor:An
IntegrativeApproach(Cambridge,MA:AcademicPress,2010).
“CopingHumorScale”:RodA.MartinandHerbertM.Lefcourt,“Senseof
HumorasaModeratoroftheRelationBetweenStressorsandMoods,”
JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology45,no.6(1983):1313.
“evenintryingsituations”:MartinandLefcourt,“SenseofHumor,”1316.
serveasprotectivearmor:AnnieHoghandAndreaDofradottir,“Copingwith
BullyingintheWorkplace,”EuropeanJournalofWorkandOrganizational
Psychology10,no.4(2001):485–495.
“imaginingthefuture”:EmmaBruehlman-SenecalandOzlemAyduk,“This
TooShallPass:TemporalDistanceandtheRegulationofEmotional
Distress,”JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology108,no.2(2015):
356.
“problemwillfadeovertime”:Bruehlman-SenecalandAyduk,“ThisTooShall
Pass,”361.
plaguesmanyorganizationsandteams:See,forexample,JamesK.Harter,
FrankL.Schmidt,andCoreyL.M.Keyes,“Well-BeingintheWorkplaceand
ItsRelationshiptoBusinessOutcomes:AReviewoftheGallupStudies,”
Flourishing:PositivePsychologyandtheLifeWell-Lived2(2003):205–224.
infectionsamongpatients:JeannieP.Cimiotti,LindaH.Aiken,DouglasM.
Sloane,andEvanS.Wu,“NurseStaffing,Burnout,andHealthCare–
AssociatedInfection,”AmericanJournalofInfectionControl40,no.6
(2012):486–490.
tousethismindtrick:Sutton,NoAssholeRule,134–136.
conflictbetweenworkandfamilyroles:SabineSonnentagandCharlotteFritz,
“RecoveryfromJobStress:TheStressor‐DetachmentModelasanIntegrative
Framework,”JournalofOrganizationalBehavior36,no.S1(2015):S72–
S103.
physically“dirty”:KatherineDeCellesandChen-BoZhong,“BeyondtheBars:
ImpuritiesofPrisonWorkandImplicationsforWorkerWell-Beingand
Work-HomeConflict”(unpublishedmanuscript,UniversityofToronto,
2016).
“‘nottakeithome’”:DeCellesandZhong,“BeyondtheBars,”21–22.
disdainanddisrespect:GillianDolan,EsbenStrodl,andElisabethHamernik,
“WhyRenalNursesCopeSoWellwithTheirWorkplaceStressors,”Journal
ofRenalCare38,no.4(2012):222–232.
“dowhatIhavetodo”:Dolan,Strodl,andHamernik,“WhyRenalNurses
Cope,”228.
“fakepositiveemotions”:AshleyE.Nixon,ValentinaBruk‐Lee,andPaulE.
Spector,“GrinandBearIt?:Employees’UseofSurfaceActingDuringCo‐
workerConflict,”StressandHealth(2016):9.
“feelslikeaprolongedpersonalinsult”:Sutton,NoAssholeRule,135.
andarelessproductive:Numerousstudiesonthecostsofdisengagementare
summarizedatwww.gallup.com.See,forexample,MarcoNink,“The
NegativeImpactofDisengagedEmployeesonGermany,”April5,2016,
accessedOctober29,2016,
http://www.gallup.com/businessjournal/190445/negative-impact-disengaged-
employees-germany.aspx.
6.FIGHTINGBACK
springingintoaction:DanielKahneman,Thinking,FastandSlow(NewYork:
Macmillan,2011),417.
NewYork,Colorado,andVirginia:See“Tape-RecordingLawsataGlance,”
ReportersCommittee,accessedOctober29,2016,
http://www.rcfp.org/reporters-recording-guide/tape-recording-laws-glance.
inthemostinnocentactions:MeowLanEvelynChanandDanielJ.McAllister,
“AbusiveSupervisionThroughtheLensofEmployeeStateParanoia,”
AcademyofManagementReview39,no.1(2014):44–66.
interceptedhismail:RoderickM.KramerandDanaA.Gavrieli,“Power,
Uncertainty,andtheAmplificationofDoubt:AnArchivalStudyofSuspicion
InsidetheOvalOffice,”TrustandDistrustinOrganizations:Dilemmasand
Approaches(NewYork:RussellSageFoundation,2004),342–370.
employeeswerefired:PamelaLutgen-Sandvik,“TakeThisJoband...:
QuittingandOtherFormsofResistancetoWorkplaceBullying,”
CommunicationMonographs73,no.4(2006):424.
soscaredanymore:Lutgen-Sandvik,“TakeThisJoband...,”416.
“righteousanger”:DirkLindebaumandDeannaGeddes,“ThePlaceandRole
of(Moral)AngerinOrganizationalBehaviorStudies,”Journalof
OrganizationalBehavior37(2016):738–757.
“buthereitisnow”:MarySoames,WinstonandClementine:ThePersonal
LettersoftheChurchills(NewYork:HoughtonMifflinHarcourt,2001),486.
NeverCallThemJerks:ArthurPaulBoers,NeverCallThemJerks(Rowman&
Littlefield,1999).
Machiavellianpersonalities:ChristianJarrett,“TheNeuroscienceofBeinga
SelfishJerk,”ScienceofUs,accessedOctober29,2016,
http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2015/08/neuroscience-of-being-a-selfish-
jerk.html.
“porcupinepower”:RoderickM.Kramer,“TheGreatIntimidators,”Harvard
BusinessReview84,no.2(2006):88.
whoquestiontheirjudgment:MichaelMaccoby,“NarcissisticLeaders:The
IncrediblePros,theInevitableCons,”HarvardBusinessReview78,no.1
(2000):68–78.
“agroupofyes-men”:Maccoby,“NarcissisticLeaders,”73.
“tradedintheBible”:EricJaffe,“TheComplicatedPsychologyofRevenge,”
Observer24,no.8(2011),accessedOctober29,2016,
http://www.psychologicalscience.org/publications/observer/2011/october-
11/the-complicated-psychology-of-revenge.html.
“‘hewasnothappy’”:RobertI.Sutton,TheNoAssholeRule:Buildinga
CivilizedWorkplaceandSurvivingOneThatIsn’t(NewYork:BusinessPlus,
2007),147–148.
findingsfromastudy:HarveyA.Hornstein,“BossAbuseandSubordinate
Payback,”JournalofAppliedBehavioralScience52,no.2(2016):231–239.
“Successfulpayback”:Hornstein,“BossAbuse,”236.
“shewasn’tkidding”:Sutton,NoAssholeRule,188–189.
didn’tstoptheabuse:Hornstein,“BossAbuse,”237.
lion’sshareoftheprizemoney:KevinM.Carlsmith,TimothyD.Wilson,and
DanielT.Gilbert,“TheParadoxicalConsequencesofRevenge,”Journalof
PersonalityandSocialPsychology95,no.6(2008):1316.
“focusonsomethingdifferent”:Jaffe,“PsychologyofRevenge.”
“heal,anddowell”:Carlsmith,Wilson,andGilbert,“Paradoxical
ConsequencesofRevenge,”1324.
impulseto“geteven”:ThomasM.TrippandRobertJ.Bies,GettingEven:The
TruthAboutWorkplaceRevenge—andHowtoStopIt(SanFrancisco:John
Wiley&Sons,2009).
“theother’sunwarrantedactions”:RobertJ.Bies,ThomasM.Tripp,and
RoderickM.Kramer,“AttheBreakingPoint:CognitiveandSocialDynamics
ofRevengeinOrganizations,”inRobertA.GiacaloneandJeraldGreenberg,
eds.,AntisocialBehaviorinOrganizations(ThousandOaks,CA:Sage,1997),
23.
“Iowntheplaceanditownsme”:RobertI.SuttonandHuggyRao,ScalingUp
Excellence:GettingtoMoreWithoutSettlingforLess(NewYork:Crown
Business,2014),144.
hardertostopthangoodbehaviors:RoyF.Baumeister,EllenBratslavsky,
CatrinFinkenauer,andKathleenD.Vohs,“BadIsStrongerThanGood,”
ReviewofGeneralPsychology5,no.4(2001):323.
“badapples”:WillFelps,TerenceR.Mitchell,andElizaByington,“How,
When,andWhyBadApplesSpoiltheBarrel:NegativeGroupMembersand
DysfunctionalGroups,”ResearchinOrganizationalBehavior27(2006):
175–222.
doesn’tfirethemrightaway:LaszloBock,WorkRules!:InsightsfromInside
GoogleThatWillTransformHowYouLiveandLead(NewYork:Twelve,
2015).
“bigpersonalities”:SuttonandRao,ScalingUpExcellence,235–237.
enjoyspendingtimetogether:RobertB.Cialdini,Influence:ThePsychologyof
Persuasion,rev.ed.(NewYork,HarperBusiness,2006).
adoptedinfiftyU.S.states:See“Policies&Laws,”Stopbullying.gov,accessed
October30,2016,https://www.stopbullying.gov/laws/.
weakandineffective:JaanaJuvonenandSandraGraham,“BullyinginSchools:
ThePowerofBulliesandthePlightofVictims,”AnnualReviewof
Psychology65(2014):159–185.
“upwardhostility”tosupervisors:BennettJ.Tepper,MarieS.Mitchell,DanaL.
Haggard,HoKwongKwan,andHee‐manPark,“OntheExchangeof
HostilitywithSupervisors:AnExaminationofSelf‐EnhancingandSelf‐
DefeatingPerspectives,”PersonnelPsychology68,no.4(2015):723–758.
7.BEPARTOFTHESOLUTION,NOTTHEPROBLEM
“browbeaters,bullies,andbastards”:RobertI.Sutton,TheNoAssholeRule:
BuildingaCivilizedWorkplaceandSurvivingOneThatIsn’t(NewYork:
BusinessPlus,2007),97–99.
“Ochsner10/5Way”:ChristinePorath,MasteringCivility:AManifestoforthe
Workplace(NewYork:GrandCentral,2016),46.
YouAreNowLessDumb:DavidMcRaney,YouAreNowLessDumb(New
York:Penguin,2013).
“friendshipcontinuedtohisdeath”:McRaney,NowLessDumb,59.
“lovethoseyouhelp”:McRaney,NowLessDumb,70.
exaggeratethemintheirownminds:JustinKrugerandDavidDunning,
“UnskilledandUnawareofIt:HowDifficultiesinRecognizingOne’sOwn
IncompetenceLeadtoInflatedSelf-Assessments,”JournalofPersonalityand
SocialPsychology77,no.6(1999):1121;OliverJ.Sheldon,DavidDunning,
andDanielR.Ames,“EmotionallyUnskilled,Unaware,andUninterestedin
LearningMore:ReactionstoFeedbackAboutDeficitsinEmotional
Intelligence,”JournalofAppliedPsychology99,no.1(2014):125.
theworstpersontoask:HeidiGrantHalvorson,NoOneUnderstandsYouand
WhattoDoAboutIt(Boston:HarvardBusinessReviewPress,2015),121–
125.
“kindasyouusedtobe”:MarySoames,WinstonandClementine:ThePersonal
LettersoftheChurchills(NewYork:HoughtonMifflinHarcourt,2001),486.
oncehadlittlepower:MelissaJ.Williams,DeborahH.Gruenfeld,andLuciaE.
Guillory,“SexualAggressionWhenPowerIsNew:EffectsofAcuteHigh
PoweronChronicallyLow-PowerIndividuals,”JournalofPersonalityand
SocialPsychology(2016),inpress.
starunderlings:SherryMoss,“WhySomeBossesBullyTheirBestEmployees,”
June7,2016,HarvardBusinessReview,accessedNovember1,2016,
https://hbr.org/2016/06/why-some-bosses-bully-their-best-employees.
“cold”person:SelmaCarolinRudert,LeonieReutner,RainerGreifeneder,and
MirellaWalker,“FacedwithExclusion:PerceivedFacialWarmthand
CompetenceInfluenceMoralJudgmentsofSocialExclusion,”Journalof
ExperimentalSocialPsychology68(2017):101–112.
yourmartyrdom:HeidiGrantHalvorson,“SignsYouMightBeaToxic
Colleague,”March2,2016,HarvardBusinessReview,accessedNovember1,
2016,https://hbr.org/2016/03/signs-you-might-be-a-toxic-colleague.
“RuleNazi”:Halvorson,“ToxicColleague.”
enoughsleep:ChristopherJ.BudnickandLarissaK.Barber,“BehindSleepy
Eyes:ImplicationsofSleepLossforOrganizationsandEmployees,”
TranslationalIssuesinPsychologicalScience1,no.1(2015):89.
awomanforaboss:EkaterinaNetchaeva,MaryamKouchaki,andLeahD.
Sheppard,“AMan’s(Precarious)Place:Men’sExperiencedThreatandSelf-
AssertiveReactionstoFemaleSuperiors,”PersonalityandSocialPsychology
Bulletin41,no.9(2015):1247–1259.
(somepeoplearelikethat):JustinHeplerandDoloresAlbarracín,“Attitudes
WithoutObjects:EvidenceforaDispositionalAttitude,ItsMeasurement,and
ItsConsequences,”JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology104,no.6
(2013):1060.
pronetobecome“carriers”:TrevorFoulk,AndrewWoolum,andAmirErez,
“CatchingRudenessIsLikeCatchingaCold:TheContagionEffectsofLow-
IntensityNegativeBehaviors,”JournalofAppliedPsychology101,no.1
(2016):51.
50%ofthetime:DacherKeltner,ThePowerParadox:HowWeGainandLose
Influence(NewYork:Penguin,2016),121–125.
decisionsdidnotsuffer:AllenC.Bluedorn,DanielB.Turban,andMarySue
Love,“TheEffectsofStand-upandSit-downMeetingFormatsonMeeting
Outcomes,”JournalofAppliedPsychology84,no.2(1999):277.
elementofagoodandeffectiveapology:RoyJ.Lewicki,BethPolin,andRobert
B.Lount,“AnExplorationoftheStructureofEffectiveApologies,”
NegotiationandConflictManagementResearch9,no.2(2016):177–196.
afterhisorheremotionalstorms:PeterJ.Frost,ToxicEmotionsatWork
(Boston:HarvardBusinessSchoolPress,2003),75–77.
“mentaltimetravel”:EmmaBruehlman-SenecalandOzlemAyduk,“ThisToo
ShallPass:TemporalDistanceandtheRegulationofEmotionalDistress,”
JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology108,no.2(2015):356.
lookbackfromthefuture:Seeresearchandwritingsonpremortemsincluding
GaryKlein,“PerformingaProjectPremortem,”HarvardBusinessReview85,
no.9(2007):18–19;RobertI.SuttonandHuggyRao,ScalingUpExcellence:
GettingtoMoreWithoutSettlingforLess(NewYork:CrownBusiness,
2014),264–270.
“decencyandgoodmanners”:EdwardO.Wilson,Sociobiology(Boston:
HarvardUniversityPress,2000),257.
Index
A|B|C|D|E|F|G|H|I|J|K|L|M|N|O|P|Q|R|S|T|U|V|W|X
|Y|Z
A
abusivesupervision,4,10,165
upwardhostility,156–57
AbusiveSupervisionScale,15
Ackerman,Susan,37
Adams,Susan,65
Ailes,Roger,125–26,155
AirNewZealand,56–57
airportscreening.SeeTransportationSecurityAdministration(TSA)
Allen,Tom,69,93
Allencurve,69–70,93
alphatypes,147
Alter,Adam,97
AmericanApparel,64
Andreu,Betsy,152
Angelou,Maya,18
Anteby,Michel,77–79,84,101
anti-bullyinglaws,149–50
Apple,7,71
Armstrong,Lance,151–53
AssholeBlindness,39–43,121
AssholeDetectionTips,58–61
assholes,notbecoming
apologies,176–79
controlyourbehaviortoday,181–82
infectionandavoidance,169–70
overload,173–75
powerdistance,172–73
toxicenablers,179–81
wealth,171
wieldingpower,170–71
AssholesFinishFirst(Max),6
Atlantic,6
avoidance.Seecopingskills
Ayduk,Ozlem,111
B
backstageregions,95.Seealsocopingskills
bathrooms,87–88
cool-downroominDisneyland,83
cryingrooms,86
smokebreaks,87
badbehavior.Seealsocustomersandclients;racism;sexualharassment;
supervisors
CivilityinAmericasurvey,175
contagionof,67–68
identifying,19–20
identifying(diagnosticquestions),21–22
positivereinforcementof,73–74
removalfromsituation,50–51
rudeness,15–16,22–23,38
spillovereffects,70
“BadIsStrongerThanGood”(Baumeister),145
Badizadegan,Deanna,106
Barak,Azy,53
Baumeister,Roy,145
Beard,Mary,52–55
Beaujon,Andrew,104
Beck,Judith,97
Bernstein,Elizabeth,53,54
Bies,Robert,142
BlackFirefightersAssociation,80
Blankfein,Lloyd,88
Blechert,Jens,100–101
blogs.SeeLeadershipBlog;WorkMattersblog
boardsofdirectors,145
boardholesanddoucheboards,2,92–93
CEOprotectionfrom,81
Bock,Laszlo,146
Boers,ArthurPaul,131–32
Bolino,Mark,46
bossesor“bossholes.”SeealsoAbusiveSupervisionScale;supervisors
effectonworkplaceperformance,9–10
futurebosses,58,63
humanshieldsorblockers,80–82
powerdistance,173
underlingbehavior,33
Bourdain,Anthony,7,158
BrainPickingswebsite,163
Brown,Tim,172
Bruehlman-Senecal,Emma,111
Buffett,Warren,7
bulliesandbullying.SeealsoWorkplaceBullyingInstitute
aggressiveconductdisorderstudy,73–74
enforcementandefficacy,150–53
forgivenessof,108–9
harmfulconsequences,6,9
internetsearchesfor,4
nursesmostbullied,85–86
powerpoisoning,170–71
C
Cahill,Spencer,87–88
Carlsmith,Kevin,141–42
Carlson,Gretchen,125–26,149,155
Carmody,Bill,148–49,151
Carney,John,176–78
Castaneda,Carlos,31
Catmull,Ed,7
certifiedasshole.Seetemporaryorcertifiedasshole
Chan,Curtis,77–79,84
Chan,MeowLanEvelyn,126
Charney,Dov,64
Churchill,WinstonandClementine,130–31,167,171
Cialdini,Robert,28,147
cognitivebehavioraltherapy,reframing.Seeprotectionandreframing
communication,69
electronicsoff,114
“ComplicatedPsychologyofRevenge,The”(Jaffe),139
confidentialityofparties,190n5
Cook,Tim,7
copingskills,67
advance“assholeearlywarningsystem,”160
contaminationandcontagionbusters,91,93–95
cooperativewarnings,89–90,95
distanceforyourselforothers,67–68,70–71,93
ducking,71–72,94
flakcatchers,82–83
humanshieldsorblockers,80–83,94
invisibility,76–80,94
isolationofproblemprofessor,68–70
lawofpropinquity,69–70
rotatinghighandlowexposure,83–84,94
safetyzones,85–87
slow-downtactics,74–76,94
survivalstrategies,92–93
customersandclients
abusivetravelers,90
billcollectorsand,75
customer-initiatedworkplaceaggression,15
firing,55–57,148
hasslehandling,83
OpenTablewarnings,90–91
responseto,28,38,49,56–57,106–7
sharingabuse,84–85
smokebreaksforventing,87
cyberbullying,51–55
eyecontact,53
positivereinforcementof,73–74
D
daVinci,Leonardo,159
daVincirule,158–59
Dearing,Michael,65
DeCelles,Katy,5,25,67,101,115
Degoey,Peter,25
Demmons,Bob,79–80
Denison,Dan,85
DisneyandDisneyland,65,83,86
Dofradottir,Andrea,109
Douglas,Gabby,52,53
Dropbox,174
Dunning,David,165
Dupré,Kathryne,15
E
Ellison,Ralph,79
F
Fast,Nathanael,32
FastCompany,70
Felps,Will,145
Ferguson,Craig,164
FirefromWithin,The(Castaneda),31
Forbes,65,92
Fortune,49,58,59,114,145
Foulk,Trevor,68
FoxNews,125–26,149,155
Friedman,Paul,82
Fritz,Charlotte,114
Frost,Peter,179–80
Fry,Chris,49,175
Fyfe,Rob,56,148
G
Gallup,49,112–13
Galunic,Charlie,79
Geisler,Jill,104–5
Gibbons,Bob,24–25
Gibson,William,9
Gill,AdrianAnthony,54–55
GiveandTake(Grant),35
Glassdoor,49,58,59
Glynn,Peter,167,171
Goffman,Erving,85
GoldmanSachs,88
GoodBoss,BadBoss(Sutton),80
Google,59
GoogleScholar,4
PeopleAnalyticsgroup,49
PeopleOperationsteam,146
gossip.SeeAssholeDetectionTips
Graf,Holly,26–27
Grant,Adam,6,35,58–59,160
Green,Steve,49
Green,Terry,64
Groopman,Jerome,16
GrubStreet,91
Guardian,44–45,73,124
H
habituationanddeludedjustifications,40–41
Halvorson,HeidiGrant,31,166
HarvardBusinessReview,3,82
website,31,36
Hastings,Reed,7
Hawkins,Natalie,52
hazing,militaryacademies,35,96–97,102,116
HealthDayNews,101
healtheffectsofbullying,9,10,68,113–14
ulcers,180
Heath,Stacy,89
Hemingway,Ernest,126–27
Hershcovis,M.Sandy,68
Hinds,Rebecca,174
hiringandhiringpolicies,33,80,145–46
infectionofnewhires,28
Hogh,Annie,109
Hoover,J.Edgar,127
Hornstein,Harvey,139–42
Housman,Michael,70
HuffingtonPost,58
humor,109–10,134–36
Hunter,Emily,28
I
IDEO,172
Inc.,148,159,174
infectionofbullying,28,67–68,161,169–70.SeealsoAllenCurve
Influence(Cialdini),28,147
InvisibleMan(Ellison),79
J
Jaber,Jacob,106–7
Jaffe,Eric,139
Jobs,Steve,5,7–8,71
JointCommission,149
K
Kahneman,Daniel,16,123–24,165
Keltner,Dacher,6,170
Kendrick,David,4
KitchenConfidential(Bourdain),158
Klebahn,Perry,146,160
Klotz,Anthony,46
Knightley,Keira,176
Kohan,Jenji,7
Krackhardt,David,69
Kramer,Rod,126,132
Kruger,Justin,165
L
Lahey,Benjamin,73
Lapidot-Lefler,Noam,53
LeadershipBlog,149
Lemon,Don,23–24
LeonardodaVinci,159
Lewicki,Roy,177
Leyhausen,Paul,183
LitigationDaily,64
Lombardi,Vince,37
LosAngelesTimes,64
Louit-Martinod,Nathalie,50
Lutgen-Sandvik,Pamela,71,127
Lyon,Joachim,87
M
Maccoby,Michael,137
Margiotta,Becky,34–35,96–97,102,116
Martin,Rod,109
Marx,Groucho,102
Max,Tucker,6
McAllister,Daniel,126
McRaney,David,163–64
meetings,“Armeetingeddon”purge,174–75
MesaAirlines,89
N
Namie,Gary,150
NationalGeographic,73
NeverCallThemJerks(Boers),131
NewYorkDailyNews,152
NewYorkTimes,4,88,89,91,96,126,152,173
NewYorker,The,52,54
Nixon,Ashley,116
noassholephilosophy
avoidcatchingbadbehavior,161–62
BenjaminFranklineffect,162–64,171–72
daVincirule,158–59
facingthetruthaboutyourself,167–68
factorsthatencourageassholebehavior,168–69
protectothers,159–60
self-awareness,164–68
NoAssholeRule,The(Sutton),47,68,159
civilizedworkplaces,3
emotionaldetachment,113
habituationanddeludedjustifications,41
paybacks,102
positiveenvironment,143
revenge,139
safetyzones,85–86
self-awareness,165
NoOneUnderstandsYouandWhattoDoAboutIt(Halvorson),166
O
Obama,Michelle,105
OchsnerHealthSystembehavior,160
OpenTable,90–91
O’Reilly,Emma,152
Orenstein,Jonathan,89
organizationdesign,143–45
effectonworkplaceperformance,145
enforcementofrulesonalllevels,148
noassholerule,terminationormoving,145–47
teamprojectsand“alphatypes,”147
transparencyandteamwork,144
P
Penney,Lisa,28
Petty,Tom,36
PewResearch,52–54
Pfeffer,Jeff,6
PhilzCoffee,106
policies,bullying,49,149–50
Popova,Maria,163
Porath,Christine,6,38,160,173
power,individual,30–33
PoynterInstitute,104
Proposal,The,90
protectionandreframing,97–98,102.Seealsohazing,militaryacademies
AssholeReframingGame,119–21
dampeningdestructive“personalization,”100–102
detachment,99–100
detachmentduringdowntime,113–15
detachment,extreme,118–19
detachmentatworsttimes,115–17
downplaythreat,102–4
humorasadefense,109–10
limitations,121–22
psychologicaldetachment,98
riseaboveabuse,105–7
shieldingbehavior,101
silverlining,104–5
sympathyandforgiveness,107–8
temporaldistancing,110–12
PsychologyofHumor,The(Martin),109
Purcell,Paul,145,160
Q
quitting
durationandtiming,39–40,43–45
hostileworkenvironment,37
JetBlueincident,44–45
movingwithinanorganization,48–50
optionsandalternatives,45–48
resignationstyles,46,63–66
responsetobadtreatment,38–39
R
racism,23,79–80
Rao,Huggy,49,61,147,167–68
response,actionplan
avoidoverconfidence,124
confrontation,aggressive,131–34
confrontation,calmandrational,128–31
documentation,124–26
humorasadefense,134–36
lovebombingandass-kissing,136–39
passive-aggressiveconfrontation,133
porcupinepower,132
power,individual,124
revenge,dangersandsuccess,139–43
revengeexperiment,141–42
SevenTechniquesThatArePronetoFailandBackfire,154–55
slowdownandthink,139
unityorsolidarity,127–28
response,emotional,17–19
contagionof,28–30,67–68
extentofandresponse,33–34
prisonguardstoinmates,101
toracialbias,23–24
Reuters,52
Rhimes,Shonda,7
Roosevelt,Eleanor,36
rudeness.Seebadbehavior
RuleNazi,31–32
S
Salesforce,49
Salon,176
ScalingUpExcellence(Rao,Sutton),147
ScienceDaily,175
self-awareness,12–13,18,102,165–66,172–73,182
sexualharassment,17,52–53,64,85,125–26
Shelsky,Misty,37
similarity-attractioneffects,28
Slater,Steven,44–46
Smith,Philip,15,22,38
Sonnentag,Sabine,114
Staw,Barry,25,29
strategicnastiness,24–26
explosionandquitting,48
strategies,35–36
stresscontagion,68
SundayTimesofLondon,152
supervisors,14–15.Seealsoabusivesupervision
coworkersandunderlings,34
effectonemployeeturnover,38
systemicproblems,28–30
T
TechRepublic,114
temporaryorcertifiedasshole,21,24–26,37,54,58,68,77,162
Tepper,Bennett,10,15,38,156,170
torr-mentor,30,110
totalcostofassholes(TCA),8–9
ToxicEmotionsatWork(Frost),179
TransportationSecurityAdministration(TSA),77–79,84
Trepoint,148
Tripp,Thomas,142
trolling.Seecyberbullying
Twitter,175
U
Useem,Jerry,6
Ustinov,Peter,173
Utley,Jeremy,147
W
Waber,Ben,69
“TheWaiterSpitinMySoup!”(HunterandPenney),28
WallStreetJournal,53,54,140
Wallace,Patricia,54
Walsh,David,152
warningsigns.SeeAssholeDetectionTips
Warrior,Padmasree,114
websites.SeeBrainPickingswebsite;Glassdoor;HarvardBusinessReview;
OpenTable;PewResearch;PoynterInstitute;Salon;ScienceDaily;
TechRepublic;WorkplaceBullyingInstitute
Weick,Karl,36
West,Jessamyn,73
“WhatMakesaFuckhead?”(Kendrick),4
“WhyItPaystoBeaJerk”(Useem),6
Williams,Robin,7
Wilson,EdwardO.,183
Wolfe,Tom,82
WorkMattersblog,172
WorkplaceBullyingInstitute,12,150
workplaceperformance.Seealsosupervisors
effectofrudeness,8–10
Wyatt,Ronald,149
Y
Yagil,Dana,38,98
YouAreNowLessDumb(McRaney),163
Z
Zhong,Chen-Bo,115
Zweig,Jason,140
AbouttheAuthor
ROBERTSUTTONisaStanfordUniversityprofessorandauthorofsix
managementbooks,includingtheNewYorkTimesbestsellersTheNoAsshole
RuleandGoodBoss,BadBoss.HeisanIDEOfellowandcofounderofthe
StanfordTechnologyVenturesProgramandtheStanfordDesignInstitute.He
livesinMenloPark,California.
Tolearnmoreabouthiswork
Visitwww.bobsutton.net
Connectonlineorsubscribetothenewsletter
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